#To some extent it feels like alw is trying to ‘get with the crowd’ to be woke or whatever but to me it does the opposite | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

barfightsandstarlights · 6 years ago

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9/12/18.

I’m going to get so much backlash from this post, but it will only be from people i’ve never told the full story to.......the people who have seen me bash said person all over the internet because I was too much of a coward to confront him. I will regret this.

First things first: These are all my own thoughts, feelings, and things i’ve composed within the last two weeks after long nights, drugging myself so I could sleep and trying to move on and recover all on my own. Nobody knows the entire story of this night, and nobody ever will. Some people know pieces, but not the whole thing. I can’t even form words to speak to someone about this, every time I try i’m at a loss. I always will be.

It’s my word against a dead guy’s word now.

If you’ve read this far, you’ve probably followed me on social media for quite some time. You’ve seen me act up, get depressed, get suicidal, fuck up. Relapse. Hate myself. Read everything in the morning then delete it later when i’m sober.

I want to hang myself.

I posted a blog post a while back somewhat detailing the things that I could bring myself to tell the world, but there’s a lot of things I miss that I have a guilty conscience about now. And i’m ready to share them. I’m ready to share my story.

You came to me when I needed you. You’ve always been there. I shot you on Warped a few years ago, and you responded to my photos of you with love and acceptance. Nothing else involved. Just those photos and our conversations. It was so simple, so accepting and so loving. You valued the life you led, and it was very clear. You lived it ALL no matter what you did.

I promised myself this post wouldn’t be a post bashing you, as i’ve done these past 8 months. That’s all it took.

I just remember I was standing at the bar closest to the stage in Vegas watching my boys in ETF, drinking doubles because my social anxiety told me I needed them......even though I knew no one in the crowd in Vegas. I have issues and you knew that, everyone did. I remember the guys finished, Craig texted me and told me it would be a while and so I improvised. I hung out at the bar until your band played. I snagged another double (my third) and sat in the crowd while you played. I remember being impressed, it was the first time I had seen you guys since Warped however long ago. I knew a few songs then, not too many but enough to keep me entertained until someone came to get me.

I thought you guys were awesome, and so talented. And you all were.

I remember you guys finishing, and I was still waiting for some friends prior to load out. I decided to go sit in the bar by the merch tables which was across the room. I hungout with this girl who was here for I Prevail, and we had a good time. We talked with the bartender, I told her who I was here with. It was funny, we all were having a great time while I was by myself with this stranger in a bar until these three guys came over and bought us drinks. At this point, I was done.

I just remember grabbing my phone, asking anyone I knew in Vegas for help.

Anyone.

You were the third person I hit up, after Tj and Craig who were stuck loading out to a bus that was blocks away, I discovered later in the night.

I was so uncomfortable. I was so drunk. And I kept drinking. I just remembered the “don’t worry, i’m coming straight to the bar as soon as i’m doing loading out, i’ll be there soon” and somehow, I felt at ease. It only took you ten minutes. I’m not sure if it was the sense of panic you felt in my messages or what, but you were there. You appeared.

When I needed you most.

I just remember there were three guys bothering me at the bar. They kept buying my drinks, trying to get me to play pool with them and trying to get me to leave with them. I was so wasted and I knew that while I was SITTING DOWN, but standing up was a whole other story. I remember telling them, “Oh thank you, the guy i’m here with just came to get me” and I pointed at you and got out of my seat. They had no idea who you were, they were there for I Prevail, thank fuck. I just remember standing up and almost hitting the floor. I could see you watching from a distance, while you were taking pictures with a couple who were huge fans of you.

I had to focus to stand. I remember that much before I started to black out. Everything was hazy. I made it to the merch table and as soon as you were done taking photos, you grabbed my arm and you grabbed it hard because I couldn’t stand. I remember you gave me a hug. The next thing I knew, we were trying to figure out what to do and for whatever reason, we decided it was best to leave the venue. I remember you holding my hand, and letting me connect arms with you as we walked down these long ass steps that seemed to take forever.

I needed you to stand and you were there.

We eventually made it outside, still holding hands and eventually my phone died. I had one last video of you and Zach gambling before I decided to go back to my hotel. I didn’t even get in the uber the girl who was also with us ordered for me because my phone was dead. I just disappeared and got into an Uber with strangers that night. I didn’t care.

I made it back to the Luxor, plugged my phone in, took out my extensions and blacked the fuck out for 2 hours. Within that two hours, I woke up to a million missed texts, phone calls and instagram messages from you. All of them wondering if I was alive, where I was at, where was I staying. Why I disappeared.

EDIT:

Everything about you was so beautiful. Lots of people have stood out to me in this lifetime, and you were one of them. I’ll never forget you gently kissing my neck. I’ll never forget you holding my hand. I’ll never forget your touch. I’ll never forget you, ever.

I am so sorry.

I am truly so fucking sorry.

We met up around 3:30am and I was still hammered (you clearly knew that as you told me to quit yelling, typical me) I just remember.

I just remember.

You were beautiful, you always have been. I’ve had a mini fangirl crush on you since I was 14 so this was cool to me. But you’d never know that, I never told you. Well, not to that extent. I always told you how beautiful you were. Always.

Little had I known.

The rest is history. I promised I wouldn’t focus on anything bad between us in this post.

I have cried almost every single day since you’ve been gone. I still have a hard time talking about you. I still wish I wouldn’t see headlines about you, about drugs, etc. They haunt me every single day and they always will. I feel like people think i’m being dramatic about this whole thing but they don’t realize that the people who have damaged you live on within you for eternity.

Rumor has it, that it’ll take seven years for your DNA to leave me and it’ll be like you never touched me ever again.

My friends don’t realize how much this has hurt me. I don’t have answers, explanations. I know it was an accident but when will I recover from the ever-lasting scars you’ve left on me? 7 years? Probably not.

I have painted you as a monster for these past 8 months, knowing your addictions issues as well as more in the past. Addiction doesn’t excuse what i’ve experienced between us, absolutely not, but it makes more sense to me now. I wish I had never said anything bad about you.

Sometimes I wish you were never a part of my life.

I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry.

Nobody deserves to die with their demons.

Nobody.

Had I have known this was a factor in what i’ve experienced with you, I would’ve been a helping hand instead of some psycho bitch who used your name to trash you on the internet in the hopes of having someone speak up regarding their issues. I knew it was a factor in this, I even posted about you months prior to your death and predicted this.

I am so sorry.

Addiction doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. But neither does internet slander when you’re in a rough place.

You’d think i’d feel free now but i’ll always feel guilty.

I just wish I would’ve known. Looking back, all the signs were there. I just wish I wouldn’t have painted you out to be such a monster. What you did to me that night in Vegas hurt me and always will, but you weren’t you. You haven’t been you in a year, i’ll always remember those messages.

You came to me in a dream last night which is why i’m drunk-posting this. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I found out the news. I woke up to an article and immediately got sick. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about you, good or bad.

Before it went bad, it was really, really good. Which is why I feel the need to defend you.

I just remember how sweet you were. How soft your kisses were, how soft you were in general. I still think my necklace is on that bandwagon somewhere, it meant alot to me. I just remember being so drunk and running my fingers through your hair, across your face. Your sides. You were so beautiful, you always will be.

I can’t believe I got to kiss you.

I am so sorry. I never wanted to paint you as a monster. We all have our demons, I promise. And I know you know that now. There is never a right time for anything.

You were just lost, like most of us are.

I hope you’ve found peace. Honestly, thank you for setting me up with your best friend before you passed. He’s hilarious, and I think about him often. Nothing serious, but good fun. You picked a good choice for me.

I can only hope you’ve found the peace you deserve. I think about you every day. I even messaged you two months prior to your passing to get answers, but never got a response. I expected that, it’s not an easy thing to talk about. I hope you’re happy wherever you’re at.

I am so sorry things had to end this way. Leave it to fate to do this to us, fate has never failed us before so why start now?

I wish you the best, and i’ve forgiven you. I can only hope you’ve forgiven me too. I’ll be in Detroit when it gets announced here in October. No matter what any of my friends say, this is personal and their opinions don’t matter. They never will.

I am so sorry. I always will be. You didn’t deserve this and nobody every does, or ever will. You did good in this world, and you will live on.

Nobkody deserves to die with their demons at their side.

RIP Kyle. I love you. <3

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