#Though there's not really many queer therapist in my area and I really really don't want to do online again

[selvepnea]

Still thinking about that thing my therapist said

[librarycards]

hey there cav. this is sort of a fraught question but. how do I engage with psychiatry when I'm antipsych? I need treatment but I have so much distrust and I feel like it's all bullshit. I don't really have a support system and there's few peer support resources in my area. I can't do this myself but I cant trust this system. soooo... tips for finding therapists that don't suck & getting the most of it? really appreciate your blog and posts, thanks

thank you for entrusting this message to me, I appreciate it! I have answered questions like this a few times before (they're buried somewhere, if you can't find them in my "ask" tag, lmk and i'll try to dig them up!). it's definitely fraught inasmuch as we're never (as people who hate psych but need specific, urgent support that communities aren't by default set up to provide) going to get an answer that we 100% want, but also very not-fraught inasmuch as most of us agree that surviving in this sea of partiality is something we can do together, with love and nonjudgement.

so, for context: i was in therapy - first behaviorist OT as a toddler and elementary school child, and, beginning at 7, talk therapy - nonconsensually basically from the time I could remember until adulthood. i likely would never have tried it again, except for the small hiccup of needing letters for Transing Genders. so, this was when i first sought out "trans affirming care," as it were, and i didn't expect much. i went to my college's health center and got a list of possible providers, and ended up getting an excellent PCP, as well as a therapist who was a genuine cis accomplice: she wrote letters for Mad/psych disabled clients whose genders wouldn't typically qualify us for surgery/hormones in the eyes of the M/PsyIC. i did not share with her the things i "ought" to have shared, but she knew I had survived abusive therapy / forced institutionalization, and accepted that, and accepted my cynicism along with it. i was also first genuinely understanding foucault at this time, so rest assured i was quite a little shit (affectionate).

when she left to practice elsewhere, i went to a therapist at the same practice she recommended. she was fine, but not what i needed. by this time, I'd gotten the requisite procedures, so my therapy attendance wasn't required. i basically just ghosted this new therapist around the time covid hit.

when i came to grad school, i initially wasn't looking for therapy, though i had idly considered something for OCD, which I was (and am) managing in part through medication. after getting outright rejected for, essentially, being too crazy for normie OCD therapy, i directed my search specifically for Mad/abolitionist providers. i began by going through some of the archives of places like the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network, and some people who have posted guest articles on Mad in America / The Fireweed Collective -- many are providers seeking to disrupt/abolish the system. That provided some leads, though no openings (there are very few of them, and they are, understandably, in high demand).

I then turned to my community connections: over the years, I've amassed a large number of Mad colleagues in various fields. Many are a half-step from radical/antipsych circles, so I asked them. This time, I asked specifically about a possible therapist who was interested in critiques of "eating disorders" as a category, who had an abolitionist, harm-reductionist, and anti-"health" approach to care, and who, accordingly, refused to cooperate with institutions of psychiatric confinement. I was directed to a list of people, of whom my current and beloved therapist / colleague / comrade was the first to respond.

my trajectory with her has been a steady building of trust through a shared ebbing and flowing of closeness, frustration, enlightenment, and curiosity. it has been close to a year and a half now, and we only began speaking frankly about more "dangerous"/"risky" topics a few months ago. early in our relationship, i did a great deal of boundary-testing, and reacted with anger and shutdown the first time she asked a question that proved risky/activating for me. my biggest recommendation when engaging with ANY provider is to ask them explicitly, repeatedly, and critically about their relationships with your own risk/harm level, their ongoing history wrt patient institutionalization / "referrals" to "higher levels of care". take note about the way they reference past patient situations, as well as their own past experience. take note of how they respond when you choose not to provide the information they seek.

also take note of what info they're willing to provide upfront, including at a consult: what methodologies do they work with, what was their training, how do they feel about said training? what are their politics? ask whoever recommended them to you, too. look at reviews. this is obvious -- what might not be is looking up their work on google scholar. who do they cite? what do they advocate, who do they associate themself with?

i think that it's also a good idea to ask them explicitly about their experience in other/"higher" levels of care - most therapists have done some kind of rotation during their education, often in a hospital, group home, halfway house, similar. if you have ever been institutionalized, you may have even spotted / been abused by some! observe how they discuss these experiences. take note.

if and when you've established this person as someone you want to continue working with, trust notwithstanding, think personally about what you are actually looking for. they will ask you about your goals, surely, but it's a good idea first to think about your own personal goals outside of the verbalized relationship between you two. do you need a confidante, and of what kind? what sort of accountability do you need, and what are you willing to try to figure that out? *what are you paying this person for that you feel others cannot or will not do*? what part of this person's expertise can be of use to you, and for how long?

i think one interesting approach to therapy is to regard the provider as a teacher - they're there to share knowledge with you, and you're free to accept or reject it. they have some kind of training/experience you don't have, and you seek them out because you think it may be of use in your own life, and perhaps even to redistribute that knowledge if and when you gain it. at the same time, you also have knowledge to share with them - not to be extracted, but to be incorporated in their own work and practice. the biggest insight on the practice of good therapy i've gleaned is that, ideally, you're both teaching and learning forever. this is true of all good relationships. there is an exchange of knowledge based on shared trust - values - priorities. once you are in a space where you know that this person shares your general relational orientation (aka, doesn't want to institutionalize, etc. you and people like you) it's possible to begin sharing knowledge in a way that benefits from this imposed structure. the benefit, imo, is that it's okay that you "monopolize" the convo and direct the knowledge-production toward your needs, because that's the service you're paying for!

i guess, to close, i'll return to the classic Mad Pride framing of us as "psych users/consumers." this isn't the perfect term, but i think it's enlightening, as we can and should be able to seek out services that work for us. just like i go to a person who knows wtf they're doing when, say, i need my nails done or my car fixed, so too do i go to an expert interlocutor when i am interested in developing my self-/relational knowledge and/or am seeking support in times of emotional tumult. this doesn't confer them a status as superior to me, just like someone isn't superior to someone else by being a nail tech or mechanic. it simply means that we are entering into a relationship where my needs and their expertise meet. seek a therapist who understands this, and understands themself as someone who can learn from you, too. this approach to therapy, and to care, mean that you can't just throw someone away or lock them up when they say things you don't like. it means that, even in those moments, there is something to be learned, and that the relationship will grow in that process of edification.

[isa-ghost]

Hm ok not sure how to write this post but it's a fun thing and I've been wanting to gush about it for weeks. Uhhh

Achievement Unlocked: Finally found something that's pushed me closer to agnostic than atheist??

Basically, I was seeing an obnoxious, totally inexplicable amount of hawks and corvids in my area irl, especially whenever I was stressed. So I asked all my witchy friends about it (one was straight up born into a coven, it's fuckin sick 🤩) and they sent me some stuff those animals symbolize.

And then I asked about what deities/entities they're associated with. They sent me a short list, so I started looking into each one to see if I felt a strong pull to any of them. One of them was Apollo, the Greek God of [A Lot of Cool Shit]. Right away, I clicked with him. The god of truth, prophecy, healing, the arts. It's all stuff that matters a lot to me. I especially found it fascinating he's said to be a protector of the young, and I, a psych major, want to be a therapist of some sort (read: healer) specifically for teenagers. He's also Known for being incredibly bisexual, and even though I'm pan, my sexuality is still a huge part of me. And a lot of other things about him clicked with me too, both big things like my career goal and my identity, and small insignificant things like the fact that he's a Sun God and I'm a Fire Sign. There were way too many coincidences and connections I was making to myself while reading about him to just think nothing of it. Most damning of all, hawks and corvids are said to be his messengers. If that wasn't a "Hello Isa I've been trying to contact you about your car's extended warranty" moment, I don't know what is. So I said fuck it, I'm gonna give working with him the way my witchy friends work with their deities/entities a try.

It's been like three weeks now? And I haven't done much but I'm really happy about the concept of it all. I see hawks and crows a lot still, especially when I'm stressed or upset (One morning I was getting roadrage omw to school and I shit you not, I watched a hawk land on a street lamp and there was a crow sitting on the very next one. I couldn't help but laugh). I got myself a necklace with a crow on it because I don't really have a space to do formal practice type stuff. And last night I had my wife do a tarot reading for me, and the gist of it was "you have a budding relationship, it's a good thing and it'll help you, nurture it with all the creative freedom you like and be chill about it." Which is basically what I've already been doing.

But my favorite part of this wild ass development is that I realized while reading up on Apollo that my whole life I've thought of or spoke about something and then it either happened or something related to it would suddenly show up in my life right after. I don't believe in ✨️manifesting✨️ and holy shit I'm not calling myself psychic whatsoever, but this weird coincidence thing has been happening to me as long as I can remember and I've been noticing it even more after looking up Apollo, both irl and in my dreams. I think Apollo's dodgeball being my favorite Tumblr meme before this all happened to me is making a comedic amount of sense now.

I'm still pretty skeptical of most religious practices because I just. Am one of those people, I guess. And I had Catholicism shoved down my throat by my dad as a kid, AND I'm queer, so I have a Bad relationship with the concept of religion as it is. But this feels right, and it's fascinating to me, and the idea that these weird happenstances in my life could be a figure that represents several things that make up my core values and my identity trying to get my attention feels really touching. It feels like something wanted my attention so badly, and I've been happier since I gave it a chance.

TLDR: After consulting my witchy friends about some weird shit that keeps happening to me irl, I did some light research and figured out I feel a strong connection to the god Apollo. He represents a lot of things that matter to me and the concept has made me a lot happier recently. And I'm pretty sure he's given me minor dodgeball privileges. I'm finally invested in some form of religious practice, and best of all its one I kinda get to just make my own because it's not an organized one.

So if yall need a dodgeball thrown at something, maybe I got you. 👈🏻👀👈🏻

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Most days, this bit would have made me smile a bit in the moment, but I wouldn't have found it significant enough to actually cut out and post. Because "broadly in favour of gay pride" is hardly a controversial stance for a comedian these days to take, it's not a particularly big deal.

But this happens to be a week when a town in my own country has voted to outlaw public depictions of pride, and I usually try not to use this blog to talk too much about current events (because 1) I don't think social media is the place for actual news, and even if it is, maybe news can be okay if coming from journalists' social media accounts, it shouldn't come from random people like me, and 2) if I comment on one current issue then I get concerned about all the other ones I'm leaving out, so I avoid all of them, everyone could safely and accurately just assume that I am constantly paralyzed with horror at everything going on in the world so I don't need to spell every single one out), but that particular banning of pride stuff has been particularly depressing me lately, in addition to the larger issues across Canada and the United States of a massive backlash against queer people. I think in the area of queer acceptance, the Overton window is start to move to the right for the first time in my lifetime, and that is fucking awful to watch.

So given that, hearing John Robins and Elis James say some fairly basic "gay pride is good" stuff was, actually, pretty fucking uplifting. And I happened to listen to this bit while on a break at work, in a job where I'm an autism therapist and that job has a lot of overlap with the job of being a teacher. And my sexual orientation... okay it sometimes involves theoretical attraction to men, like I can find certain men attractive if they fall into the narrow range called "my type" but in actual practice I know from experience that even being very attracted to a man is not enough for me to actually enjoy sleeping with one, so on a practical level the word "lesbian" probably describes me accurately, even though when describing my own sexual orientation I tend to use the word "gay" because that feels a little bit broader and like lesbians aren't allowed to sometimes be attracted to men, even men with whom they don't wish to actually have physical sex, but "gay women" are allowed that because there's more scope in that term, I think, I'm not really sure... but anyway, my sexual orientation is certainly not far off from lesbian, and my job is not far off from teacher, so hearing those guys say they're in favour of lesbian teachers was a pretty fucking cool thing, while I sat in an empty classroom on a break at work and listened to this podcast. Might have got mildly emotional hearing that, specifically because I've spent most of this week being depressed about some of the local rulings on pride in Canada, and the implications they have for more regional areas that have just been looking for opportunities like this, and of course the significant backlash against queer people that's happening all over North America right now.

I don't know. I realize a British comedian saying queer people are fine is hardly groundbreaking. But if anyone's feeling depressed about The Backlash right now, and how many comedians have turned out to be disappointingly fine with said backlash, here are John Robins and Elis James in 2017 talking about how great pride is. John Robins even suspending his usual policy of getting furious at people who don't follow the rules, because that's just how great pride is.

[horce-divorce]

so like. I live in a really rural area where all minorities tend to be very underserved from a community standpoint. like when I was growing up here in the 90s/early aughts it was just. Not Really A Thing to be queer. my friend was the one (1) person in our high school who was out as gay for those 4 years. I never met another trans person until I was 21 years old, living and working in a mall in another state. to this day I don't think there's even any support groups around here (there's a PFLAG offshoot that meets here twice a month, but it's not even our city's because we don't have our own PFLAG chapter- it's associated w the one in the next nearest town).

so it was pretty cool to learn that a few years ago, some folks actually got Pride going in my hometown, and it was a pretty huge success? It went for a few years, I wanna say 2-3. they did have counter protestors at first, but so few of them compared to how many people were at Pride that they looked foolish and literally gave up lol.

unfortunately a lot of the people who were involved in that have moved away. the group organizing Pride dissolved and we haven't had another one since I've been back. but EVERYONE I know who saw it says they miss it terribly and want to see it happen again.

I've been petsitting for a friend who is herself part of the queer community and also a therapist, and she's new to the area and really trying to grapple with like. Rural queer life, having come here from a big metro area. She sees that there is very much a need for connection out here and is trying to see how she can serve that need in her capacity as a therapist. She might help facilitate an LGBT youth support group- which I think may be the first of it's kind around here, if she pulls it off- and she asked ME if I would help her with this stuff. (Mainly bc like. We don't know any other queer people out here LMAO.)

So that's cool, and we've already met some really fascinating and kind folks doing community organizing around here and working on stuff I never would have thought folks were working on out here already. Like racial justice stuff, and working with the police on de-escalation and mental health responses, all kinds of stuff.

Now THAT stuff is all happening in the aforementioned Other Town Over. but the more I'm talking to these folks, the ones out here actually doing shit, the more I'm like... hey it sucks that (my hometown/region) doesn't even have a facebook group for queers around here, let alone spaces to meet IRL. and also, it sucks that we had pride and now we don't, because it clearly is well needed and was a huge success. (Actually the one time we had a FB group it was for the people doing Pride, but when that disbanded it became a private group with <100 members and tbh it feels awkward to try and join that.)

All this stuff has just kinda been percolating in my mind, along with the realizations of like... Sometimes you just have to show up, or make a page, or do whatever, and see who else shows up. That doesn't make it easy but someone has to take that step. And looking at all of this now, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... It might be... me? I might have to do it. If I want to see that stuff happen in my time living here. Which is just a WILD thought to me but like. Here we are? And even other people are approaching me and kinda asking me to do this stuff? Wow!

So anyway even though I hate social media, I've been thinking maybe a FB page would be a good place to start. Like literally just make one and see who shows up and what happens. It's a place to start anyway.

It's just TERRIFYING. bc like... I have a couple queer friends who would prob join my group, but who surely wouldn't be interested in moderating or anything like that. So it would literally just be me vs bumfuck county unless/until other people started to join. Even just for a Facebook group I KNOW I'd have to be doing damage control and moderating and explaining things and it's kind of back to my dilemma from when I was a teenager, the one that drove me back into the closet for so long... Who's gonna have my back for that??? Cus it ain't my cishet family who live here LMAO. I want other queer people in the area to have that, but I can't make it happen all alone.... But also, I'm all alone because we don't even have a Facebook page. Somebody's gotta bite the bullet and just do it ykwimean.

I dunno y'all it's a lot to think about! Tbh I've been having a similar dilemma about forums (I could do it, I could just make a forum and see who shows up, but alas, the long silences, the learning curve for ppl who only know social media, the trolls, I just don't know)... A Facebook group could be similar to a forum. Perhaps easier in some ways and immeasurably worse in others. My friend encouraged me to do it but I need more than one person to back me up lol.

Just pondering about it all, but I'm open to feedback from folks if you have it. It would be validating at least, cus I've skimmed this idea past my two (2) whole friends here and they're both kind of generally positive about it but understand my hesitation, and they think I should try to get things rolling if I want to, but that's where it ends. none of us really knows what's the best way to go about it. But we're all starved for queer fellowship and we all wanna see Pride happen again... Much to consider....

[magsgoestocollege]

i want to capture this feeling, this moment. near the end.

i am sitting in my college dorm room, my fourth one but not my final one, and i have been home from my last college class for roughly thirty minutes. i stalled leaving the classroom because i was sure that i would cry. we spent the semester studying knights, chivalry, romance, and fantasy. it was queer, feminist, and beautiful. i'm so glad i planned my courses to end with this one.

it feels wrong, i think, to be done. to feel done. i still have two-ish finals left, but not really. one just needs to be edited, and the other is a series of knight-themed aita posts. because. liberal arts college. neither are putting the weight of the world on me. my final film screening is in an hour and a half.

i'm throwing a graduation party for myself tonight in the basement of my dorm because reading period starts tomorrow night and i don't want to annoy my housemates. i feel at home here, finally, after 4 years. and i leave it in less than three weeks. there are more than thirty people planning to come to my graduation celebration, more than i ever could've expected. i thought i had three friends, if that. to see so many people want to celebrate my success? well.

senior ball and senior banquet were this weekend. both were unexpectedly wonderful. i got all dressed up in my jumpsuit and crystal. my friend burned my forehead with the curling iron. it still hurts, but i can only be a little mad. it was a special night. i pregamed with my housemates, my second (third?) time being invited. i'm still surprised to be included, honestly, which my therapist raised her eyebrows at. I'm working hard to undo the idea that i have to earn the right to be around other people.

the dance was in the campus center, and they legally can't turn the lights off, so imagine around 200 drunk seniors in formal attire dancing under fluorescent lights middle school-style. it was perfect. i was skeptical of the french fry bar at first, but actually, that is exactly what i wanted. i flitted between housemates and senior friends and graduated friends who were brought by senior dates. i had a beautiful time. the misting rain was cold against the alcohol-flush of my cheeks. i was warm. happy.

senior banquet was perfect. in true banquet fashion, the tables were arranged in a big square with seniors on one side. everyone knew each other. there were no cliques for the first time since I've been attending. the underclassmen showed up in droves. the first years and sophomores performed their skits, recounting tales from the seniors' time in college. someone monologued as me. it was touching. the juniors presented their prophecies. mine was very sweet. I gave my wills away to three juniors and three first years.

i think i'm excited to graduate. i'm certainly ready to leave. to try something new. four years, I've found, is about the longest i can stay somewhere without growing bored or getting too comfortable. i studied video production, indigenous critiques of settler colonialism, and knights this semester. a fine lineup if i do say so myself.

i'm excited to join the school's legacy. alums are known for making waves, after all, and i hope i get to start a ripple. with all its ups and downs, traumatizing experiences, and bright spots, i have certainly come away from college a different person. i'm more self-assured. i'm confident in my ability to succeed. my perspective of the world has opened up and closed at the same time. i can hold nuance and gray area better than most of my peers. i'm still learning who i am, but that's okay. you never really stop learning who you are.

i have to go. my party is in a few hours, and i have a screening to get to. i'll see you soon, though. there's much to say in the next few weeks.

[sunnys-rewatch-blog]

S2, E1

"It's Alive"

TW: SA mention

Whoohoo! We have passed the landmark of reaching season 2. So far I am still very much enjoying myself, in spite of the many criticisms you see here.

It is absolutely horrible that someone had proof Jenna was SA-ing Toby and they did nothing to help or protect him.

"He's probably on his way to the meat grinder!"- thanks for the visual, Em. I guess her and Alison bonded over being fucking morbid and watching Mr. Meaty.

They were blackmailing Ian? Doesn't blackmail imply some kind of manipulation or extortion? Oh, the money!

Are the adults really trying to take these kids to a therapist as a display for public sympathy? No wonder they're so resistant and feel like it's punitive! This is something that should come from a place of compassion and care! It's so infuriating, by making them feel like they're completely being forced into it you're setting them up to resist treatment instead of getting help. How was Alison not traumatized with the knowledge that they would care so little about her death?

Fuck. Off. Peter Hastings.

Wasn't anyone gonna tell me you can buy breast milk online, or was I just supposed to find out from PLL? I looked this up and it's actually true. I don't know what to do with this information, but now I have it.

Aria is, realistically, going through so much right now and both Ezra and the showrunners think Ezria is so goddamn important we have to have this little "Are we over?" chat like. Right now. Man, I get it in a way, but sometimes you need to be okay with being on the backburner.

Where even are the Cavanaugh parents?

Pam, truly, could not be any more wrapped up in herself. What is she thinking, with this move to Texas? I understand the family stuff and wanting to be with your husband, and even wanting to leave this town where your neighbor's kid died and weird shit keeps happening- but Emily is kind of...involved in a murder case. She's been questioned several times in regards to this investigation at this point, and that doesn't show signs of stopping, especially since she is also now involved in a second death. I don't know what they do if they need to conduct a police interview across state lines. Maybe it's as simple as making a phone call.

More to consider, though, is what do you know about queer acceptance in the area? That's something maybe a homophobic "cishet" (in quotes because it's implied but never confirmed, in-cannon) wouldn't think to ask, but there are places in the US where LGBTQ+ acceptance hasn't progressed much. From what I know- thanks to a friend who has Texan contacts and has visited at least once-the major cities are generally pretty accepting, but other areas vary wildly. It's still common for people to move to safer places, some have to stay closeted until they can do so. Queer culture is Googling the new city you're about to move to so you can assess your personal safety.

Side note- what even is Pam's profession? Is she supposed to just be a housewife? Last time I checked, "wallowing in self-pity and feeling personally victimized over my daughter's sexuality" doesn't pay very well.

...how much time has passed since Lucas left to go pick up Caleb? How much school has he missed? Someone should be looking for him, too.

Is this supposed to be group therapy? Or are the writers just banking on having an audience that doesn't know how therapy works?

Caleb sure does fall hard, fast. He really went all the way back to Rosewood just so that Hanna wouldn't think he left without saying "Goodbye."

And, to be fair, Mona ripping up and trashing his letter isn't anything that most good friends wouldn't do. If they weren't trying so hard to sell us "Haleb= True Love," this would be portrayed as commendable.

I know the whole "fake dating to true love" pipeline is a trope, but they do it with at least two of the Liars and it's not really satisfying in either case. In my opinion, it sucks all of the enjoyment out of it for the narrative to keep it a secret from the audience, there's way more joy in it to watch a scheme unfold- especially if both characters have an investment in the farce. The way it's done here doesn't build tension, so when the boiler explodes it seems sudden and out of place.

The girls have had one complete session with this therapist and she already thinks they should be forcibly separated.

Why would the name they picked out be something only Ian would know? I don't think Melissa even once implied this name was a secret. Maybe it makes sense in her mind that no one else could have possibly been told before she was told and couldn't have found out after.

Even though I don't find Ian likeable, and he's kinda squicky going after young girls, I almost wish he had been alive. I want to see what effect that would have on the story.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1 - I feel like this message will be all over the place, I'm sorry. I just have to get it out. So I'm questioning my sexuality and have been for a while now, but I'm afraid to really think about it. I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well which makes it extra hard to realize attraction since I don't think I feel sexual attraction. Or maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?

2 - And at one point I thought I might actually be a lesbian bc my (romantic) attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it. But now that I have a crush on a girl (my first same gender crush that I can think of) it’s still the same; I’m super flustered around her and would do ridiculous things to impress her and just wanna hold her hand but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.

3 - It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years and I know my mental health is in a very bad place (but I’m getting therapy for it). Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality? I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?

4 - Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents. I’m sorry if this is a lot, I’m just so confused.

I’m gonna go through this bit by bit again because there’s a lot of different issues and questions here. It’s gonna be a long reply but I don’t know how to condense it even more.

“I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well [...] maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?”Sexual attraction can be a difficult concept to understand especially if you’re on the ace-spectrum. But you’re not “dumb” for having trouble with this. You simply live in a society that treats sexual attraction a standard experience that ~everyone~ is supposed to have so it’s not really talked about what it really means. Of course it’s an individual thing to an extend but generally speaking, sexual attraction means you can look at someone (even a random stranger) and feel a desire to have sex with them. It doesn’t mean one has to act on that desire but it’s certainly a “oh this person is hot - I wanna bang!!” in the most primitive sense lol I can imagine that being on the ace-spectrum can make it harder to explore what other types of attraction you might experience and to which genders. But it’s not impossible. There’s plenty of asexual/biromantic people and I’d recommend trying to talk to some of those as well and just generally get involved with the ace community.

“my attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it [...] but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.”I mean... what you talk about regarding men can be a sign of being a lesbian but I guess it can also just as well be a sign of being asexual since “dating” and “relationships” are often associated with sex and though some ace people do have and enjoy sex there’s also sex-repulsed asexuals. So if you genereally don’t want to have sex or are iffy about it that explains why you backed off whenever you had the chance to date someone - bc you thought this would have to lead to sex which you may or may not want to have. Regarding the girl you currently have a crush on, the whole ~being ace and possibly sex-repulsed~ can also play a part plus internalised queerphobia. Since you struggle to accept your queerness and you currently don’t dare claiming a label for yourself it’s evident that you have a lot of shame that needs to be unpacked. As long as you have this much anxiety about your (a)sexuality and potential biromanticism your gut reaction to a girl’s advances will be panic. It’s not surprising. Crushing on a girl forces you to think about being bi and since you’re scared of facing this reality it’s a logical consequence that you’re freaking out!

“It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years [...] Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality?”Yes, it definitly can affect your sexuality and/or your questioning process. Being queer in an inherently queerphobic society is a form of constant low-key (at best; high-key at worst) trauma. A lot of queer people have some form of PTSD just from ~being surrounded by everyday queerphobia~. But even if your depression has totally different reasons, it can still affect how you deal with sex in general, how you experience romance, how you experience yourself. Questioning one’s sexuality is (unfortunately!) not a safe thing to do for many people which means it can be anxiety inducing. And queer people have higher rates of mental health problems that non-queers. That’s a fact. Anf if you’re already depressed for whatever other reason and then add anxiety over being queer to the mix, well... you do the maths! It’s hard, man. It sucks. But it’s great you’re already getting help already. I’d hope your therapist is queer-friendly so you can talk about these things with them. And additionally you should try to get some queer counselling if there’s something available in your area. If your therapist isn’t queer-friendly then I would strongly advice you to find a different one.

“I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?”’Okay, look. I recently answered two asks that touch on that subject and I don’t think I can say it better than there so I’m gonna quote myself and link you to them so you can read the whole thing if you want.

1) Even when you’re not entirely sure of your bisexuality yet, questioning people belong into the community as well. The “Q” in LGBTQIA+ stands both for “queer” and for “questioning” - some people even use a version of the acronym that has two Qs to highlight that! So you belong whether you already identify as bisexual or not. The LGBTQIA+ community is supposed to be an environment where you can safely explore your sexuality - even if you turn out not to be queer. You still belong for as long as you are questioning because “questioning” is a queer identity. (x)

2) “Straight” women are allowed to experiment and explore their sexuality. I put “straight” in quotes here because a lot of these women might actually be questioning or they are bisexual and struggling with internalised biphobia (which won’t get better if biphobic lesbians keep telling them they are “just one of those straight girls”). And even the women who do end up realising that they really are straight have had every right to experiment. It’s their sexuality and they can do with that as they please as long as they don’t hurt anyone. They don’t owe anyone to come out as queer. “Only to say they are straight” sounds like it’s a huge disappointment when all these women did was live out their sexual curiosity. Any half decent queerfeminist should know better than to police women’s sexuality - even when the women in question are straight. (x)

“Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents.”I understand it can be terrifying, especially if you know your family won’t support you. But the thing is... no matter how much potential backlash there is, you won’t stop being queer. You cannot stop. You cannot run away from your sexuality. You can certainly try but it won’t make you happy and it will take a toll on your mental health. This is not to say that you ~must~ come out. You can be as much out or closeted as you want and as is safe for you. But you cannot convince yourself of being something you are not. There will probably be some people you can safely come out to, others you’d rather not tell. That’s the on-brand queer experience. Maybe one day you can afford to not give a fuck about what your parents think, even if it comes at the price of losing them. That’s gonna be a problem for future!You though. And if you work on self-acceptance through therapy and through connecting with the queer community, building a support system - then it’ll get easier over time.

It’s unfortuantely very common to be scared of this but being scared won’t make you any less bi or ace or whatever type of queer you wanna be. And yes, I say “wanna be” because at the end of the day what label you use and feel comfortable with is your choice. You cannot technically be “wrong” about your sexuality. Even if you pick a label now and then later realise another one suits you better - then you just change your label. No harm done.

And even if you go through a period of questioning, try on multiple queer labels and then have the grande epiphany that you are actually just a basic ol’ heterosexual heteroromantic cisgender person - you did not harm the queer community in the slightest. I wish more straight cis people would question their sexuality and gender and come to the informed conclusion that they really are straight and cis - instead of taking it for granted because our society treats it as the default. What’s the point in questioning if only people who already know that they are queer were allowed to do it?! What’s the point if everyone who questions their sexuality ~has~ to realise that they are queer?

So.... long story short... sounds like you have the very common Queer Anxiety on top of your existing depression and they are probably affecting each other and make each other worse. You should definitly try to work on your internalised biphobia and acephobia and talk to your therapist about it. I have advice on internalised biphobia here - you can use those methods for asexuality as well.

Maddie

[jacktherph]

jack, my friend!! i hope all is okay. i'm wondering about your experience as a barista?? are there things about its portrayal in the rpc that are inaccurate or annoying to you?? being a barista is probably the most popular job characters have on here!! what impact does being trans, ace, queer have on your workplace environment if you don't mind talking about it?

oh man olivia, oh man. you’re gonna have me GO aren’t you?? i’m doing better ilusm bb

okay so disclaimer that i’ve only been a barista at sun-dollars (think of synonyms) for a year now. i’ve never done it at some fancy, privately owned shop, and my experience isn’t that of everyone else!! i’m also pretty damn low on my totem poll, too, so keep that in mind

so when i was hired, i worked at a small cafe store for a few months; small outside patio, small parking spaces, located in a tiny strip mall off a main road, maybe a max crew of 20 or less?? but now we all relocated to one of the busiest drive thru stores in our district; large outside patio, giant inside seating, one of the only stores with a conference room in the CITY, a drive thru that pretty much… never stops, and a stand-alone building on the same main road. and wow what a difference there is

this thing ended up being super long so it’s under a cut

note:: this is really for people looking to portray accurate, non-dramatized versions of barista life, and the whole thing is largely fueled by personal experience. hope it helps??

on THE JOB ITSELF :

if you think its an easy job, please get out of my face. if you think it’s super complicated and hard, there’s a bit for you to learn here. and most importantly–if you think fucking with a barista is fun, go to hell

firstly–there is a lot to remember. there’s the drink standard; how the drink is supposed to be made without any customization. then there’s whatever people add and change about it. then there’s “i asked for five mocha pumps but this tastes like you didn’t put five in, remake it.” and then there’s “i think i know how a drink is made, but i don’t, but i’ll still tell you how to do your job.”

there is a specific routine for making drinks called SEQUENCING that we’re supposed to learn as soon as possible. it ensures that, if you’re on bar, you are always making part of a drink and finishing another. steam milk, queue shots, turn and start blending a frappuccino, while that’s in the blender turn back and finish the hot drink, hand it out, steam another milk, queue more shots, turn and pour frappuccino, hand it out, etc etc etc

personally, i’m not the best on bar. i know people who are stunningly gorgeous at it – who can sequence without fail. but it requires a LOT of mental work. not a lot of room for talking unless there’s only one drink or two to make. any character who is “skilled” at being a barista probably doesn’t spend their shift talking, but working in hasty silence when it is busy

being on register is my personal skill. i always work drive thru orders. yes, we have specific buttons for everything, but with as many combinations as sun-dollars has, there’s still an infinite number of ways to mess it up if you don’t know what you’re doing. and if the order comes out wrong, it gets made wrong, and then the barista on bar gets the brunt of the abuse from the customer and has to mess up their sequence by remaking it

on TIPPING YOUR BARISTA :

at sun-dollars, we’re paid just slightly above minimum wage and a huge chunk of our money is tips, which at a store of our size are still under a dollar earned an hour, then divided by how many hours you worked, and how many people worked that week and their hours too. tips don’t always add up to much, because people never think about tipping us

but here’s the thing. we make everything by hand just like someone would at a restaurant. sometimes more than once if one little thing is wrong. we burn our hands on hot coffee and water, we slip and fall, we haul heavy things around. even if you don’t see it, we do it. so please… tip your barista because we make everything and serve it to you just like at any other food business

on MONEY EARNED :

a part-time barista position, maybe working 25-30 hours a week with included tips, is NOT ENOUGH TO HAVE AN APARTMENT ON. not anywhere outside of fantasy land anyway

take that example. if i get 10.55/hour, and work 25 hours one week and 16 the next (which is a GOOD week for me, holy shit), and my tips are… $15 for both weeks, then I’ve made around… $475~ after taxes are taken out. no. so many of my fellow partners have second, third jobs. or their spouse earns the majority of the money. or they still live at home–like myself. it simply isn’t a job you can live on independently

i.e. this is a callout to the “barista who somehow lives without a roommate and doesn’t constantly complain about how hungry they are” trope

on WRITING ON CUPS :

yes, sun-dollars used to write on cups. but now we have a sticker system that is ten times more efficient. yes, we still write on the cups if our machine goes down, or if we have a messed up drink, any number of things. but it isn’t common for a busy store to write on cups daily anymore

that being said, let’s talk about our big fave trope: muse a writes their number on the cup for muse b because they flirted at the handoff plane. YOU CAN GET FIRED FOR THIS. it is immediately a fireable offense, no questions asked. i know it ruins the CUTESY moment but it’s a thing. best to keep your ship intact and employed by having them ask when the barista is on a break. 

yes, we misspell names. it happens. whether your fingers slip up on the touch screen or you just didn’t hear it right. but no barista i know would risk their job and security by purposefully writing a malicious name on a cup. end of

on CUSTOMER CONNECTION :

the cafe store had been around for years in a community where snowbirds (old people who come to the warmth of arizona for the winter) are the largest customer base. that, plus the small crew, meant that the partners (baristas) had a long-established rapport with many of the customers. i remember on my first official day working, so many people kept telling me “my usual” and my partners had to keep reminding the customers to order properly, since i was new and didn’t know them yet

but once i got to know the regulars–and it definitely took a lot of time–it showed me the incredible connection people have with their baristas. we joke that as baristas, we’re unpaid therapists with a coffee in hand. people tell their barista SO MUCH. but it’s fascinating, really; sometimes it’s just plain oversharing, but sometimes you just get to be connected to a person you see every day, even if it’s only for a minute or two

now, at my drive thru store, i have my personally labelled “night regs” who i see pretty much every time i work. i know their names, their orders by heart, and sometimes stuff about their family or lives. and for those who are grateful, you’d be surprised the brightening affect on someone’s day it can be when you remember their order and ask them about something they mentioned last week

recently, a family who comes through my drive almost every day suffered a loss in their family. i could tell something was different because they weren’t joking around with me. they ended up sharing and it brought us really close. they even came to visit me when i worked on christmas day. recently, they had a family bbq and actually drove all the way to the store to bring me a plate of leftovers because of an inside joke we all have. i don’t give them discounts–big no no–or free drinks. they pay like everyone else. but we’ve grown really close and they make my work day nicer because i know i’m making people happy

so often when i see people writing baristas, the character is a certain archetype: the aloof one, the bubbly one, the romantic one, for examples. but i think the connection between a barista (even an introverted one like myself) and a regular is really undervalued!! the fact that we have worked so hard to maintain that customer personal connection with our regulars even though we have thousands more people a week has really shown me a lot about how people interact with one another

on RUDE CUSTOMERS :

it takes a LOT to kick someone out of a store. like a LOT. we’ve only ended up kicking out one person because they were repeatedly stealing from our food display, and then we could only do it once we got proof. so no, being rude to the barista once isn’t an offense that can get them removed. somehow

people are rude. collectively. some are nice, but people are rude. whether it’s the cranky person who insists they ordered their drink iced but the sticker says hot, the person who repeatedly asks “is my drink ready?” even though the sticker line is as long as i am tall, the person who demands their drink be remade for any reason valid or otherwise with a big attitude, or the drive thru car who has an attitude because they expected to be in and out but their wait time is 15 minutes because the car ahead of them ordered for their entire church. people will find a way to be rude, even if they don’t know it

what do we do? we smile, apologize and take blame, and do it over. especially at sun-dollars; the customer IS ALWAYS RIGHT. welcome to the service industry

on ACCEPTANCE :

i’m very lucky when i can say sun-dollars is a very accepting environment. being a trans and queer partner, i had my identity accepted right away by my coworkers. i also make it a point to let them know that if they have any questions about my identity, they can ask it to my face within reason. this has led to some really heartfelt interactions with my fellow partners, because it was how they learned some things about identities other than theirs

customers… well it’s touch-and-go. i live in a primarily… single-minded area. but i know i’m not the only one who knows this – being trans in a workplace is a touch-and-go thing. i’ve had people who only hear my voice call me “miss” at the speaker and correct themselves to “sir” at the window when they see my beard. i’ve had stubborn old people refuse to say my name. you still have to serve them, and personally, i avoid correcting people to avoid any sort of confrontation

my specific workplace is very personal; we know a lot about one another’s personal lives. what else is there to talk about when cleaning? some partners have been insensitive, but we talk it out and it’s done and fixed. sometimes we snark at one another using personal jabs, but that’s something we all participate in. and we know where the line is and not to cross it. but i’m sure many workplaces are like that

on ETC :

you will get messy. i end a time on bar with my fingers sticking together, my arms covered in fake-tan from chai or frappuccino roast pumps, and one partner told me once she went home to find mocha in her belly button of all places

you clean the bathrooms too. in all their shitty mess. and people treat public bathrooms terribly. but doing bathrooms is also a good release from the business of the bar

that drive thru headset? paid-for walkie talkies. yes, we gossip, we laugh, we trade jokes. we rag on customers out of earshot. let us have fun

WE DID NOT INVENT OR TAKE PART IN THE SECRET MENU. we cannot make your drink unless you tell us how it’s made. we’re not gonna google your weird invention when we have other things to do. you either come prepared, or you get something else

if you’re going to pay separately for a large order, TELL US FIRST

there will always be that one partner you hate working with. it happens in every job. there will always be that crew you love working with. you don’t always get to choose when that happens. c’est la vie

if it’s closing time, customers need to LEAVE. this is an issue of safety for when we work with money. even your best friend, your spouse, or your elderly mother cannot be inside the store during closing

at sun-dollars we have a weekly thing called the “clean play,” where people come in after the closers and do a deep-clean of the store. we rock out to music, enjoy there being no customers, and have fun. good setting for fellow workers!!

don’t give us pity on holidays. you’re the reason we’re there

i once had a woman come in half an hour before closing, and she was so mad we didn’t have the food box she wanted that she called corporate to complain. we now have more waste at the end of the night because we have to order so many boxes so we never run out

sometimes you’ll have to run out before or during a shift to pick up product from other stores

people take it personally when you finish a seasonal beverage. really personally when you’re out of anything, really

seeing regulars outside of the workplace will always be awkward. some even ask if you remember their drink. you might

people will complain about things out of your control. smile and nod and say you’ll let your manager know

when in doubt, give it to your shift supervisor

ADDITION :: my wonderful friend @morbidrpa​ wrote about her experience as a barista/manager in a smaller, single-location coffee shop. go check it out for varied experiences!!