#This paired with Buck's yearning to be hurt constantly

[insomniacirl]

Eddie Diaz and the way he's been taught to bite when the pain hits. Eddie Diaz and the teeth he sharpened to keep himself and his son safe.

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"You've got a hundred bodies on you and you're gonna tell me I'm not fit for duty? Go to Hell, Bobby."

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This man pulls out all the stops. Everything he knows will cause the most damage sits on the tip of his tongue- the words slipping out so softly to comfort them and spat so harshly to hurt them worse than they've hurt him.

[shreddedparchment]

You’re My Mission Pt.09

I Almost Killed You.

09/28/2018

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 6,538

Masterpost

Warnings: Language, angst, feels

A/N:  So part of this chapter I’d written a while back when the idea came to me. I had to readjust a portion of it so that it would make more sense with what the character were doing and feeling now. It was fun adjusting it and finding just how much my vision changes with every chapter. Bucky and the reader are doing their own thing at times and although they hit all the big marks that I want them to hit, as I’ve said before, their development seems to be out of my hands. I hope you love this chapter too! As always, if you happen to reblog, thanks for helping me spread my work. It is much appreciated! xoxo

You’re not sure how long you sleep. You’re suddenly just aware that something is tickling your hand. You try to move it, but a sudden stinging pain stops you.

It’s so quiet you’re half sure that you’re in your hut but then a deep sigh touches your cheek.

You feel fingers grip strands of your hair and carefully lift them to move them away from your face.

“You're such a pain in the ass.” Hot breath touches your temple.

You recognize Bucky’s slightly lazy tone; his even tempo is languid with slight resistance. Almost as if it's difficult to talk and get the words out. It's how he always sounds but for some reason right now, it’s so much clearer to your ears than ever before. It's so unique you could pick it out in a crowded room.

With his voice however comes the sudden flashes of why you’re feeling such sharp pain in your right hand.

You see him charging at you, slamming a wooden staff down on you, knocking you to the ground where you're vulnerable to his crazed attack.

A sharp wooden point flies at your face and you see red as it pierces your hand.

These sudden and violent flashes make your hand twitch as they assault your previously peaceful mind.

Maybe he might have noticed the twitch, but he’s suddenly distracted.

“Buck?” Steve's even voice is unnaturally strangled with fear.

You feel Bucky's heat disappear from beside you.

“Down here.” He calls, his voice is louder and more controlled. Whatever emotion he'd been feeling when he told you that you were annoying just a minute ago is gone. What was it? You'd need to hear it again and see his face to decipher its meaning.

You open your eyes, they flutter for a moment and you turn to where you just heard him. He’s changed, wearing a pair of blue jeans, a white cotton long sleeve tee rolled up to his elbow with the top two buttons left open. His dark hair is pulled back into a bun with a few strands falling to frame his scruffy face.

He looks so good you’re sure you must be dreaming. He stands with his hands shoved into his pockets, his shoulders hunched as he stares at the floor lost in thought.

You see Steve come around the corner and then your eyes shut again. You can’t stand to keep them open for more than a few seconds at a time.

“Buck?” Steve's voice is slightly panicked and then you feel him beside you. He moves around your head to your right side and pulls your hand up to look at it. “What the hell happened?”

When Bucky speaks his emotions are dead. Not off. You know what he sounds like when he’s trying to concentrate and focus on anything but how he’s feeling. Right now, though his voice still moves in that strangled way as if he’s trying to keep from spilling at the seams, it’s guarded and full of disappointment.

“I attacked her. She uh…we were training and the alarm in the building went off. I guess the lights did something to my brain because the next thing I know I’m stabbing her through the hand with a wooden rod.”

“Buck…I known what you’re thinking,” Steve begins but Bucky sighs heavily, silencing his friend.

“I oughta be pinched, shoved in a cage where I can’t hurt anyone again. Maybe stay under for good…” He says the last bit so quietly that you struggle to hear him.

“Hey,” Steve chastises. “We knew this was going to be a work in progress, right? So, you mucked up, big deal.”

“Big deal? Look at her, Steve. I did that.” Silence. “And that.” Your bruise maybe?

“Bucky, I know this is tough. No one knows better than I do what it’s like to wake up and find yourself in a strange world where nothing is like you remember it being-"

“But they didn’t take your mind away from you, Steve. You woke up and you were still you. I have trouble remembering my favorite flavor of ice cream-”

“So, ask. I know with things being the way they are I come and go often but I’m here Buck. You told me once that I didn’t have to do it alone. Neither do you. This,” You feel Steve's hand on your injured one, the other on your bruised elbow. “this is gonna take time. And it's not your fault.”

“I can’t train her anymore.” Bucky states, a strange sorrowful yearning in his voice. “I’ll hurt her again.”

“You don't mean that.” Steve says, a small amount of disappointment filtered into his words. “I know you’re stuck on her and this is probably your worst nightmare but-"

“My worst nightmare is I kill her, Steve. That’s what almost happened today. Have you gone to see the training room? Go look at it and tell me that I’m wrong for pulling out of this.”

“She won't let you, Buck. You really think she’s going to sit by and let you abandon her?”

“It’s not like she really cares.”

“Really, Buck? I know you see what we all see when she looks at you.” Steve argues.

“You can train her. She looked pretty happy with you this morning.” Bucky reasons, trying desperately to find a way to push you away. Your semi-conscious heart aches painfully at the thought of not training with him.

“She was getting by. Don’t do this, Buck.”

“It’s just a crush. She’ll get over it.” Bucky says. Your mind doesn’t seem to be able to filter the words properly because you hear him but you don’t understand what he’s saying.

“I won't let you do this. She's good for you.” Who is good for what?

You confused mind is muddled and you can’t make sense of their conversation for a bit.

“Damn it, Steve, I’m not going to be alone with her anymore. I won’t risk it.”

You hear Steve sigh in frustration. “Fine. I’ll stick around. I was going to take over the Golden Panthers for a few weeks anyway. We'll all train together.”

A seemingly unending silence follows. You teeter on the edge of unconsciousness again but never fall over. You can still hear them breathing around you. Bucky doesn’t come close to you again. Steve checks on your hand several times.

“Nat'll be here next week. She and Sam took down another hidden Hydra hideout. They're getting smaller. I think we're getting closer to the end but the closer we get the closer they get.” The U.S. government? The U.N.? Stupid Sokovia Accords ruined everything.

“What are you going to do?” Bucky wonders.

“Lay low for a bit. That’s why I’m taking over the GP squad for a bit. King T'Challa is sending Ayo out on mission and I told him I’d help pick up the slack.”

“Golden Panthers…?” Bucky lapses into silence again and when he speaks the curiosity in his voices and his question in general sends a wave of dread washing over you and a dagger through your heart.

“That’s Kara’s squad isn’t it?”

Steve shifts beside you. “I believe so.”

“Good.” Bucky says.

How do you describe the discomfort of waking up every morning, knowing that you get to eat a fulfilling breakfast, laugh with your friends, and then go train with the man you have a crush on and the woman he's apparently seeing?

Not that it's official. You’ve asked Sergeant Barnes several times whether he and Karabo Smit are an item and he swerves the question every damn time.

But he’s with her every lunch hour, underneath that stupid Warka tree.

You and Sergeant Barnes are not fighting either. Still constantly on each other's nerves sure, but not fighting. Whatever passion he’d been feeling when he yelled at you and fought with you seems to have disappeared.

You do your morning runs and workouts with Steve and the GP squad. It's slightly intimidating considering most of the women—because the GP squad happens to be all women—have been training for years to be honored with a position among the Dora Milaje. The selection process is grueling, and you don’t envy them their desire though you do think it’s very respectable and amazing that they devote themselves to such excellence. Of course, Kara is part of the group and you’re glad that after your morning run and stretches you and Sergeant Barnes break away from the group to do your own thing, in close proximity to Steve of course. They’re always just a short distance away.

You and Sergeant Barnes focus mostly on hand to hand without weaponry now. You can see the hesitation to train you in his lackluster sessions. You try not to think about the conversation that you’d overheard in Shuri’s lab. There were so many different implications in their exchange and mostly what you took from it is that Sergeant Barnes was being forced to train you and he was glad that Kara was much closer now. You also know that he doesn’t want to hurt you. Which confuses you, but you chalk it up to the fact that underneath the grumbling and scowling, Sergeant Barnes is a good man.

You know there’s a more important part of the conversation that you heard but you can’t remember it. It’s like your brain wiped it.

Boxing is his Sergeant Barnes’s specialty and although he’s well versed in many other forms of fighting, that’s what he focuses on. You’re pretty sure that the reason for that is because it’s the one with the least amount of contact.

For a week that’s all the two of you do. You box. You get really good at it too. You can never truly hurt Sergeant Barnes, but you at least surprise him constantly with the adjustments you make to his training and what you’ve learned from Steve.

One particularly beautiful day, you and Sergeant Barnes pull away from each other, breathing heavily as you lower your fists and wipe the sweat from your forehead on your sleeve.

“We need to test you with someone else.”

“What’s the matter? Don’t you trust your skill as an instructor?”

“I know I’ve taught you well, whether your brain can absorb it and apply it to unfamiliar strategies is a different thing altogether.” He smirks, pleased with his masked insult. He’d just called you stupid, right?

You glare at him and shrug. “So then get someone over here. Oh! I can call Aman over. He’ll be glad to train with me.”

You flatten your hand and your comm bead begins to roll towards your palm but before it has a chance to reach its intended position to place the call, Sergeant Barnes lunges forward and closes the distance between you again, yanking the bead from your hand.

“No. I think we’ll leave your friend to train with his own squad.” He slowly stands up straight and keeps the bead within his metal fist.

“Fine. How about Steve then?” You point towards the GP squad in the distance. They’re lounging about, resting after another tough session of agility training. They’re going to start sparring soon too.

You watch him stare at Steve. He seems to really be considering it before he nods. “Fine.”

He turns and jogs towards Steve and you see him gesturing as he speaks.

You wish things were easier between the two of you. Sure, you’re not really fighting, and you seem to be as annoying as ever to him. He glares at you every time you chuckle or laugh at your own mistakes. He gets frustrated with you when you complain about the heat or being tired. He’s taken to calling you ‘princess’ again when you whine. Which honestly, you don’t blame him for that one. You’re just not used to the intense heat now that summer’s almost upon you.

Despite this sense of normalcy, you know that things are so not okay between the two of you. The day after the attack Sergeant Barnes actively avoided you. You sought him out and finally managed to corner him by his hut because you had no choice but to ambush him since he wouldn’t give you the time of day.

Bucky’s in the distance, by the pen of goats that you’d seen the night after the nightclub. The goats are not in there anymore, instead they wander about randomly but seem to know to stick to the immediate vicinity. One disappears into the hut closest to the pen and after seeing this, Bucky quickly rushes into the small building. A few seconds later the goat scampers out through the doorway and races to rejoin the others as Bucky, with a rare smile on his face, moves back towards the pile of hay he’d been breaking up.

He stops, noticing you as you approach. Slowly his smile falls, replaced by a pained scowl and then just his regular scowl as you finally reach speaking distance.

“I’ve been looking for you all day.” You admit, scratching at your right palm. You’re wearing a strange red glove that Shuri says will promote the skin to grow again. Your nerves she was able to repair but because you’d been in such a rush to find Bucky, she’d fitted you with the glove and forbade you from taking it off. It itches a bit.

Bucky reaches for a long wooden pitchfork then throws it into the pile of hay as his eyes follow your hand’s movements to the red glove.

“What are you doing here? I thought I told you dropping by uninvited was a shitty thing to do?” He picks up the pitchfork and begins to scoop the hay onto the same cart you’d seen the night of your bruising.

“We need to talk.” You reply, weakly because you don’t like the way this conversation has started. Your heart aches for the pain you’d seen in his eyes the night before. The tears that he’d cried and the resolve to never train you again because he doesn’t want to hurt you.

“What for?”

“Bucky don’t shut me out.”

“I wasn’t aware that I ever let you in.” He stops his spearing and turns to look at you, his eyes cold.

You weren’t going to let him push you away. You bite down on your bottom lip however because his words hurt, even if he’s doing it to put some distance between you.

“What happened yesterday?” You move a few steps closer and he drops the pitchfork, not startled, but angry apparently with the way he shoves it away from himself.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it, kid.”

“I know what you said. I don’t care.” You move closer, leaving only three feet between you. You can see the clear blue of his eyes and it strangles you to think of the way he’d pushed the hair from your face the night before. “What-happened?”

“I almost killed you. That’s what happened.”

“Why?”

“Why? Because the lights messed with my treatment, that’s why.”

“You know that’s not what I mean.” You say angrily.

“What do you want me to say, Y/N? Huh?” He moves towards you, angrily taking two steps to reduce the distance between you. “You want me to tell you about how I killed people? Lots of them? Hm?”

Your anger disappears, replaced by an agony for him. He was so clearly refusing to deal with his past that it kept coming back to haunt him. He raises his metal arm, holding his hand level with your neck. He stretches the metal fingers and you eye them warily.

“You want me to describe to you what it feels like to crush someone’s larynx? Or I can tell you about the sound that most people make when they realize they’re about to take their last breath. Is that what you want me to say?”

“Bucky-”

“Stop calling me that.” He growls and turns to walk back towards his cart. You follow, unwilling to see the distance renewed.

“It’s your name.” You argue. “I know, I heard you last night. I know you don’t want to hurt me.”

“Oh, and what? You think that makes you special?” He turns his cold gaze on you and you frown at him. He’s hurting you and your patience is starting to wear thin. He might be in agony, but your pain is just as valid as his. “You think, what? That I care about you? Get a grip, doll, I don’t give a rat’s ass about you. I just don’t want your blood on my hands. I’ve had enough of that in my life. You’re nothing to me. You’re no one. Just my current mission.”

“Bucky, why can’t you just-”

“I said stop calling me that!” He screams, so loudly that the nearby goats bleat and run off towards their pen in fear.

You’re breathing heavily, angry and your heart in pieces not even truly understanding why it’s hurting so much.

“Do you want me to go?” You ask, your voice breaking near the end.

“You know,” He turns to look at you, eyes narrowed. “That’s the first smart thing I’ve heard you say since I met you.”

Asshole. “Fine. I’ll see you at training, Sergeant Barnes.”

You turn around and leave him to stew in his anger and self-hatred, determined to forget him and any kind of affection he’s inspired in you.

Sergeant Barnes and Steve turn back towards you and the two of them walk slowly, chatting happily. You watch Sergeant Barnes’s face, wondering if the man you’d fought with outside his hut and this smiling man are really one and the same. Maybe he has an evil twin?

“So, I hear you wanna fight me.” Steve says, amused as he stops with his hand on his hip.

You smile and laugh once. Your Captain Rogers looks good wearing a pair of plain grey workout pants and a tight white t-shirt. “No other man I’d rather train with.”

Steve’s eyes tighten slightly, noticing the way you make the comment sound like a jab though obviously not aimed at him. “Right. Well, let’s see what you can do.”

Sergeant Barnes moves a few feet away, taking shade underneath the Warka tree he loves so much. You and Steve remain out in the sunlight, cooking. You take your jacket off, tossing it onto the ground to the side, and take your stance.

The fight starts without a countdown. Suddenly Steve lunges towards you throwing a right hook then a left when you manage to avoid the first. You grab his wrist with your left but realize that unlike Aman, you may not be able to flip Steve over your head, so you push his hand away from you towards his chest and spin around his left arm your elbow finding the soft flesh covering his ribs.

“Ow,” He says, though you know it doesn’t really hurt him. Still you smile, happy because he must have been surprised by your choice of move. “I thought we were boxing?”

“I never said boxing.” You smile.

“Alright, cadet, you’re on.” Steve turns and immediately reaches for your right arm. He catches it easily and pulls you towards him. You use the momentum of his pull to leap up, wrapping your legs around his waist and lead his arm up around the back of his head. You use your free hand to punch at his right ribs and hear the audible thud as your fist makes contact a few times.

Steve laughs, it infuriates you a little that your puny hits don’t really hurt him.

“This sucks!” You exclaim.

You laugh too because it’s so unfair to fight Captain America knowing you won’t make a dent.

Steve wraps his arms around your waist and throws himself down on the ground, rolling sideways so that when he stops you’re lying on your right side and he’s kneeling over you. You roll onto your back just in time as he brings down his arms. You block them, shove your own hands between his wrists and with great effort you push outwards and his arms go flying apart. You wrap your legs around his stomach—he’s so freaking long!—and pull him towards you at the same time. He puts his hands out on either side of you, catching himself so that he doesn’t fall flat on top of you. Your hands find the center of his chest, punching as hard as you can. It hurts your hand more than it probably hurts his chest, but he still grunts when it hits.

“Ow.” He adds, surprise painting his tone. His blue eyes sparkle down at you, clearly impressed with your progress. Okay, I give.” He reaches back and taps your left thigh and you relax the hold you have on him with your legs. If there was one thing you were glad that Sergeant Barnes did, it’s to strengthen your thighs into steel. Even if your punches didn’t hurt him, you know that your grip around his torso with your thighs must have startled him with its strength.

You and Steve are both so busy laughing you don’t realize the death glare that Sergeant Barnes is giving the pair of you.

“When you two are done flirting, I think the GP are ready for their next drill, Steve.”

Steve looks to his friend and smirks, finding something funny. You’re less impressed by Sergeant Barnes.

When Steve is on his feet and offers you his hand, you take it and let him help you up.

“How would you know what my flirting looks like?” You ask Sergeant Barnes pointedly.

“That’s a fair question.” Steve mutters.

“Since you two train so well together, maybe you should take over starting tomorrow, Steve?”

Before Steve can reply, you glare at Sergeant Barnes, irritated by his teasing. “I think that’s a good idea.”

In the distance the GP begin to stretch, readying themselves for their next drill. “I think I’ll try and keep up with the GP squad, see if I can’t phase you out altogether?”

“You-” Sergeant Barnes begins, annoyed with you but he stops when your beads begin to ring. You hold out your hand and your comm bead slides up into place where Shuri is then displayed.

“Captain Rogers?” She asks you.

“He’s here.” Steve moves over to stand beside you and looks down at Shuri’s projected bust.

“Captain are you not wearing your Kimoyo beads?” She wonders.

Steve holds up his hand and shows her that he is indeed wearing them. “I am.”

“Something must be wrong with them. We received a call from the Black Widow, she says she and Falcon are inbound if you’d like to meet them in thirty minutes in the hangar.”

“Oh, okay. Yeah. I’ll meet them there.”

“Good. And Captain? Try calling someone with your beads. If the call does not go through, come and see me so that we can get you fixed up. We can’t have Captain America of all people out of touch.”

“Right.” Steve agrees and watches as Shuri fades out and your bead slides back into place.

“Let me try calling you, Y/N.”

“Okay.” He slides out his bead and after a bit of waiting your own beads begin to glow and ring. “it works fine.”

“Hm.” Steve sighs. “Well, at least I don’t have to bother Shuri with anything.

You suddenly remember that Sergeant Barnes had been fighting with you and you look to find him still scowling at you. Without another word you jog to stretch with the GP squad.

For several minutes you’re stretching in silence, avoiding looking over at Kara because you’re good at ignoring things that hurt. You’ve seen her face now and you know she’s beautiful. But you don’t need to be reminded of it. Suddenly, your quiet stretching is interrupted by a faint mumble that steadily grows loud enough for you to actually make out what is being said.

“We’ll have to wait and see. Things aren’t going well on the outside. They’ve been closing in on us and we may have to really start running soon. Which means I won’t be able to come see you anymore.”

“You, Nat, and Sam do what you need to do. You know, funny thing is, you’re on the run because of me and they’re not even looking for me.” Sergeant Barnes sounds a little sad, but he seems to also genuinely find it funny.

Uh oh.

Does Steve know that his comm is still on? You can hear them so clearly that it’s like you’re standing beside them. It makes you sad to think that Steve might be leaving soon. It also makes you sad because it means that he and Sharon will also be parting ways. If he has to go on the run, there won’t be much time for dating. Since your crush on him is hopeless, you at least want him to be happy.

You keep your eyes on your feet, stretching as far down as you can go. You actually manage to lay yourself flat over your legs. You’re so much more flexible now thanks to all your training with Sergeant Barnes. You also don’t trip over your own feet as much anymore which is definitely a good thing. Of course, he still finds things to be annoyed by, but at least it’s less about mistakes you’re making in your line of duty and more based on your personality.

Which is worse?

“Buck, will you just go talk to her?” Steve suddenly asks.

“Who?” Sergeant Barnes replies confused but distracted, as if his mind is on other things.

“Y/N, you’ve been staring at her for the past ten minutes.” Steve says, a smile in his voice.

Your stomach suddenly twists as you become instantly nervous. You slowly begin to push yourself up and back into a sitting position. Your hands go slowly numb and you grab them, holding them, squeezing them to see if maybe it’s just a circulation problem. But your heart is also pounding. When you’re sitting up completely you turn to look towards the two men, standing across the field, still underneath the Warka tree. Sergeant Barnes—Bucky—is looking in your direction.

He suddenly turns to Cap who, even at this distance, you can see is smirking. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Why would I be staring at the walking nightmare?”

“You’re looking right at her.” Steve insists, still amused.

“You’re insane! I’m looking at Kara, idiot.” He actively points over your head and you lean down again as if you’re stretching but turn your head and look to where he’s pointing.

Your heart clenches painfully as you see her, and despite your anger and hatred (though really, she’s done nothing to hurt you), you admire her looks. She’s got tanned peachy skin, freckles that fleck her slender shoulders which she currently has exposed underneath a light grey tank top. Her long dark brown hair is pulled up into a high ponytail that as she does her jumping jacks, swings back and forth from shoulder to shoulder. She’s walking sin, Kara. Her curves are to die for and her eyes are a shocking blue.

“Oh. Sorry, I just thought-”

Your heart falls and you’re so confused by it that you hide your face between your knees. You want to cry and you’re not really sure why. After what happened outside the hut you knew that you meant nothing to him. And still you got your hopes up when Steve said Sergeant Barnes was staring at you. For a long moment you wonder what you could have possibly done—what can you do now to get him to look at you the way he’s looking at Kara?

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” You say to yourself, forgetting that your comm is still on.

“What was that?” Steve suddenly asks.

“What was what?” Sergeant Barnes wonders, looking away from Kara to Steve.

“Shit.” You mutter, embarrassed.

As stealthily as you can you reach over and touch your comm bead and watch as the color fades. You swallow hard and slowly sit up, hands on your knees as you chance a glance at the two men again.

Your stomach twists when you find Steve staring at you, his brow narrowed as he clearly puts two-and-two together. You quickly look away and after some careful consideration—okay, not really you just straight up panic—you spring to your feet and race back towards your hut, eager to be hidden in the safety of your room.

“Hey! Where are you going?! We’re not finished!” You hear Sergeant Barnes yell at you, but you don’t stop. You run until you’re in your hut, door shut, and you’re sitting on your bed.

You think things through carefully. Clearly the comm being on was an accident. Steve just forgot to turn it off or maybe it was really malfunctioning and because you’re an idiot you decided to eavesdrop to find out about your friend and his impending departure to run from the U.S. government. Of course, you got more than you bargained for. Not only does Sergeant Barnes think you’re a walking nightmare, it does really seem that he likes Kara and for some reason this information has your heart aching so painfully it takes your breath away. You reach up, grabbing at your chest to try and suppress the pain.

Why would you care if you didn’t, on some level, actually like him? Not a crush but a serious attachment? You’d been unwilling to admit it before. Is that why you’re so obsessed with figuring him out? You know what you’ve been feeling. The yearning, the desire to be around him. The need to find out what is really happening with him. You know all of this, but you’ve never sat and really thought about what it means to you. Why is it so important? Do you like him?

“Bullshit.” You tell yourself as you come to the conclusion.

You decide you just don’t like being insulted. But he always tells you crap. It’s never bothered you before. Not really. It makes you angry but that was just you and him. That was how you two got along. It was stressful sure and it was irritating but it was normal.

How long do you sit there thinking about Sergeant Barnes and the implications of the pain in your chest? You’re still so nervous that when someone knocks on your door your hands are still numb. You’re so out of it that rather than pretend like you’re not in, like you should, you answer.

“Yeah?”

The door opens, and you shut your eyes, hating yourself for not thinking of pretending to not be home sooner. You don’t want anyone around during this revelation.

“It’s just me.” Says a smooth monotone.

You open your eyes because that voice, you’d know it anywhere. Steve shuts the door and then stands there staring at you with his thoughtful gaze and the smallest smirk on his lip.

“Oh.” You smile up at him nervously. It’s such a fake smile that his own smirk widens as he watches you deliver it. “Hi.”

“You got anything you wanna fess up to?” He wonders, crossing his bulging arms over his wide chest.

You stall by pretending to look confused. “Uh…no?”

“You were listening to our conversation earlier, weren’t you?” Steve says. He’s not really asking you because he knows and he’s just giving you a chance to confess.

You look down at your hands, held on your lap, in shame. “Yeah.”

Your heart gives another painful ache and you give him a small grimace when you look back up at his face.

“Sorry.”

Cap moves in and sits beside you on your bed. He’s so massive you don’t think he’d even fit in it if he tried to lay down.

“Why would you eavesdrop on us, Y/N?” He wonders, a little more serious now, the implications of where this conversation is headed in his tone. It makes you even more nervous.

“I didn’t mean to, really. I was stretching, and your voices suddenly came over the comm. I don’t know if you accidentally turned it back on or if it’s really malfunctioning, but you started talking about having to leave permanently and I needed to know.” You sigh, hating yourself for spying on them but Steve is your friend. How could you not want to know if he was going to leave? Plus, even through your current revelation, you know you still have a tiny crush on him.

“Y/N, I uh…” He doesn’t know how to broach the subject and you know you should help him out but you’re happy watching him fumble with the words. He’s cute nervous. “I…er…I know that you-Um.”

He looks away from you and shakes his head.

“I know that you know I have a crush on you. Sergeant Barnes’s voice carries. That morning in the west field a few weeks ago, I know he told you.” You shrug. It really isn’t a big deal anymore. You know where he stands and you’re starting to see where you really stand. You hate yourself for it and it mars your happy time with Steve.

“Oh.” He smiles. “Well aren’t you full of surprises?”

“I just-You were there for me when I lost my parents. You were kind and when I begged you to give me purpose you did. I can never repay what you’ve done for me, Steve. And yes, I have a crush on you, but I know you have a girlfriend and I know you love her. That’s honestly the only reason I kept listening. I’ll miss you, but I also wish there was a way that you and Sharon could be together without you having to go on the run. That’s gonna suck.”

Steve sighs heavily, listening to each word as you speak it and when you finish he nods. “It is. And I appreciate the sentiment. You’ve come a long way since I brought you here. That fight earlier was no joke. Really. And I know he doesn’t show it but Bucky’s proud of you, too.”

You roll your eyes. An involuntary reaction to Sergeant Barnes's name associated with anything positive and you at the same time.

“Right, the walking nightmare doesn’t trip over her own feet anymore. Such pride.” You don’t mean to sound sad and bitter as you repeat what he called you, but you do, and your mind shoots to Kara again. It’s so unfair! She was born to look like that. You’ve seen her eat a whole pizza in one sitting. You’ve never spoken to her and you know you’re being unfair and she’s probably a nice person but…ugh!

“Did that really bother you that much?” Steve asks, his brow narrowed again.

“No. Not really. He’s called me worse. But at least when he says it to my face, I know he’s saying it. Telling other people when I’m not there…” He’s talking about you behind your back. It’s rude and hurtful and why do you keep thinking about Kara and the way Sergeant Barnes was staring at her?!

Was he telling her you were a nightmare too? Making disgusted faces when your name is mentioned? Does he call you the pitiful cadet that is so weak and needs so much special training that he has to help you because he feels bad for you? Because he’s being forced? Were all those tender moments, the towel? The shoelaces? His anger at bruising you, the way he held your hand in the medical center? His tears when he hurt you? Was it all really nothing? Did it mean nothing?

You want to ask Steve because out of everyone you know, Steve would know Sergeant Barnes better than anyone else.

“Don’t take it personally, Y/N. Bucky’s just…a little tired? He’s still getting used to being himself again. Be patient with him. I know he seems strong, but he’s been through a lot. Just like you. Only different.”

“Like what?” You ask eagerly, turning your pained gaze on Steve. He shakes his head, staring at the floor in front of him.

“That’s not my story to tell, Y/N. All I can say is that with a little more patience I think you’ll both get what you want.”

What the hell is he talking about? You’re so confused as it is that his words mean nothing to you except that he knows why Sergeant Barnes refuses to let you in.

Steve gets to his feet and you sigh lightly.

“When are you planning to leave?”

“Not for a while still, hopefully. Besides it’s Nat’s birthday in two days and we’re throwing her a surprise party at one of the smaller nightclubs here in town. You’ll come, right?” He moves to the door, his voice hopeful.

“Of course.” You nod. You and Natasha get along very well.

“Great.” Cap says, happily.

“It’s not a themed night again, is it?”

“Well the eighties one went so well-?”

“Eighties again, really?!”

“It’ll give me an excuse to dance with you. I’ll request our song.” He smiles, meaning well but your memories of eighties night are not as fun as his.

“Hey, Cap?” You broach carefully.

“Yeah?” He turns to look at you from the doorway, his hand on the knob, his face curious because you haven’t called him Cap in so long.

“Back when Sergeant Barnes was himself, was that the kind of girl he was into? Girls like Kara?” You’re so nervous you’re surprised you manage to get the words out. You’ve hardly admitted that you think you like him to yourself that asking this kind of question aloud and to Sergeant Barnes’s best friend, you’re giving yourself away.

“Um…” Steve seems to really think about it and as he turns a furrowed brow to you, he nods. “Yeah, I guess he’s always preferred a more luxurious woman. Bucky always did like a betty.”

When he sees your confused expression, he laughs once.

“Oh, sorry, uh, a betty, means like a really attractive girl.”

“Right.” You reply, and look down at your hands again, that ache taking your breath away.

“Y/N? You’re not fa-”

“I really should get to sleep. Sergeant Barnes wants me in the west field at O-six hundred again. If I don’t go to sleep now, I won’t be able to get up in the morning.” You get up and walk towards him, ushering him out because you know what he’s going to ask, and you don’t want him to ask because you don’t want to answer. You won’t admit it aloud to anyone, not even yourself.

“Okay. Good night, Y/N. Chin up.” Steve says before he makes his exit.

You shut the door and once again lapse into thought until eventually you make your way to your bed and fall into a restless sleep, knowing that you can’t hide it from yourself anymore. You like Bucky. You like him a lot and you really want him to like you back.

@bionic-buckyb @mdgrdians @ulired @biawol @markusstraya @queenof-wakanda @slice-of-thunder @clockworkherondale @shonaldo @lilulo-12 @dsakita @just-trying-to-survive-marvel @coldfacedwarf @zoey-odinson-stark @animegirlgeeky @paetonsfandom @caramelsunrise @until-theend-oftheline @a-n-gela @dirtylittlelamb @moonlessnight14 @el-dibidibidorado1 @marymooonlastrage @calliope-musings @buckybarnes4lyfe @lexie10123 @wantingtobekorra @unadulteredscreams  @sunflower-sunlight-sunset @unhealthyobsessionwithmarvel @auraliqhts @bucky-in-wonderland @marydragneell @beezyg

[owlespresso]

Mirio / NSFW Alphabet

A list of headcanons done as a commission! If you would be interested in commissioning me, you can find my prices+rules HERE or you can donate HERE.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Mirio is an absolute darling during aftercare. Before you can even regain your ability to speak, he’s asking you if you need any water, if you’re feeling alright, if you want a massage, etc. He talks so fast that you’ll have to interrupt him and tell him to wait a moment.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He loves his hands. They’re large, big, and calloused from years of training. He likes them because he uses them to protect people and to make you feel good. He also holds your hand constantly.

His favorite body part on you, as cliche as it might sound, is your eyes. He thinks they’re beautiful and he could spend all day looking at them.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Prefers to cum inside. There’s something so bestial and carnal about it, and it kind of feels like he’s marking you in some way.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Has a bit of a breeding kink. The idea of filling you up over and over with the purpose of impregnating you really turns him on, but he’s too shy to tell you.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

People have wanted to jump on his dick since he landed a top spot at UA. Fans, fellow heroes, everyone is into this guy and how could they not be? He’s so welcoming and friendly.

That being said, he’s a pretty experienced guy. He likes to casually fool around and he’s just good, at everything. He’s not ashamed of how open to sex he is and he has the experience to show it. It’s safe to say that he’s fucked at least once before graduating UA.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, or doggy style. He loves grabbing your hips and forcing you back and forth, up and down on his cock. The sense of control just fills him with an (admittedly shameful) sense of carnal control and lust.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Absolutely goofy. He believes that in order to have a functional, loving relationship, you need to be able to fool around with each other. He just can’t be serious all the time during sex, and he uses jokes as means to diffuse tension/worry or to soothe his partner, should they be anxious or self-conscious about something.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Well-groomed. His public hair is a little darker but he takes extra care to keep it neat and presentable!

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He loves the idea of being silly in the bedroom. To him, it’s a crucial part of having an intimate relationship. He has to be be able to joke with you during sex, because it’s a part of his upbeat personality.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Masturbates regularly, and owns several flesh lights. He does it less frequently when he finally gets intimate with you, but if you’re not feeling like having sex or you’re not around, he’ll jack off every day. Maybe multiple times a day.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Creampies. As said earlier, he loves cumming inside of you.

Also, gets turned on very easily by a pair of heels and stockings. If you wear them, he’ll ask you to keep them on while he fucks you.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Anywhere, really? He dislikes doing it in completely public places, but he loves fucking you on top of the kitchen counter, or having a quickie in a broom closet. He’s certainly not picky, though he prefers the bedroom for passionate, loving sex.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

It’s not hard to turn him on. Just the small flash of your panties from under a cute skirt will do it for him. He also enjoys seeing you in form-fitting clothes, turtlenecks, tight leggings, etc, etc. Bending over with your ass facing him (whether it’s on purpose or just to pick something up) will get him horny instantly.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Doesn’t like anything that hurts you. He’s kind of particular about it, though. Spanking is all good and fine, but he doesn’t like the idea of slapping you, or cutting you, or choking you. He knows how strong he is an he’s afraid of hurting you. Over the years he’s learned to control and hone his strength, but that doesn’t stop him from worrying.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Prefers to give, because he loves pinning your hips to the bed and watching you buck and cry and struggle. He’s incredibly skilled and always eager to eat you out. One of his arms will wrap around your thigh to anchor you to the bed while his tongue toys with your slit.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Mirio prefers a fast, rough pace. But if you’re going for multiple rounds, he’ll definitely switch it up. After the first round, he tends to become gentler

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

100% game. Being a hero is time-consuming and his high rank means that his schedule is full more often than he would like. He’ll take anything he can get from you, because he misses you a lot when he’s stuck at work.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Mirio is absolutely open to experimenting. He’ll try almost anything because hey, he’s an open-minded guy and he just wants to make you happy. If he finds himself enjoying what he’s trying out, then that’s great! He hesitates to try anything that can hurt you, and will outright refuse to cut or choke you, should you ask.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

An incredibly long time. He can go for multiple, long rounds as long as he has a few minutes to rest in between each one. He can easily fuck everyday, multiple times a day.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Fleshlights! He uses them more when he doesn’t have an actual partner to fuck.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Loves teasing! He doesn’t get too sadistic with it, but he might deny you orgasm once every now and again. More than anything, his teasing is just silly little jibes and jokes.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Unabashedly loud. He doesn’t care who hears (unless you’re in a public/semi-public place and trying to keep quiet). Most of his noises and low and throaty, growls and groans. He doesn’t whine, and his pitch never goes high.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Tends to like being dominant, but he will be submissive for you if you ask him. Gets turned on if you step on him.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Mirio’s dick is big. At least 6 inches, girthy and heavy. It’ll take some time for you to get used to it, but he definitely knows how to use it.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Mirio, despite how hard he works all the time, has a seemingly infinite amount of stamina and can fuck daily for multiple rounds. If you’re up for it, he’s up for it. No question. Always down to fuck.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He doesn’t fall asleep until he’s 100% sure you’re alright and you don’t need anything, but he falls asleep almost immediately after aftercare.

[letsperaltiago]

If you don’t mind, I’ll walk the line |Jake x Amy|

I Love You-prompt request #42: Is this okay? 

Requested by @phxntom-pain! 

Look, I’m a sucker for pining pre-relationship Peraltiago and also new-relatiosnhip Peraltiago, soooo here we go! Hope you like it! 

Also this isn’t proof read yet, so sorry in advance for typos and other mishaps!

Word count: 2.5K

It’s all the little things he has to get used to. All the thoughts, words and gestures he had to hold back before; he’s now actually allowed to put them all into motion. Yet, it’s still new and he still somewhat feels uncertain. Mostly because he finds it hard to know where to start and where to stop. The last thing he wants to do is to cross the line. Amy Santiago is too damn important for that.

They’ve only been dating - considering the evening where they finally said “screw light and breezy” as the actual starting point - for a bit over a week. It’s still brand new. And though Jake absolutely loves it, already considering it the best thing that has ever happened to him, it also manages to keep him on his toes. Not to say that he doesn’t feel comfortable around Amy. On the contrary: he’s sometimes afraid that he feels too comfortable around her. It’s only been a week, right? That exact thought strikes him a lot; more than he’d like it to. Guess Sophia did leave some scarring, though he hated to admit it. The last thing he wanted to was to compare them, but he also knew very well that Amy and Sophia were nothing alike. Yet he couldn’t help but hear Sophia’s haunting words from their last day together, whenever he felt like bursting with love in front of his new girlfriend.

“I just don’t think I accidentally love you back…”

Honestly he hadn’t thought three months with Sophia had been too soon, but her reacting the way she to his three accidental confessions of love did affect him. Jake wasn’t stupid though. He also knew very well, looking past what happened with Sophia, that one week was way too soon for an “I love you”. But man, did he feel like exploding every time Amy was within his sight. A zoo had moved into Jake’s stomach. Exactly, not just butterflies. Amy Santiago made him feel the whole damn Bronx zoo. Today was no exception. Tuesday. 10 days after agreeing to screw ‘light and breezy’. Yes, Jake kept count of the days and if the whole world wouldn’t judge him for it, he’d throw him and Amy a 10 day anniversary-party. Then again, Jake had a filter a knew that he’d have to wait for them to cross the one month-mark. At the very least.

Anyways, it was Tuesday and time for lunch. The squad had decided to get some food from the Chinese take-away place down the street from the precinct. Being the good friend that she is - also in need of fresh air and more steps for her pedometer -  Amy had quickly offered to pick it up and save the delivery expenses.

“The delivery is only a couple of bucks, Santiago. Don’t worry about it,” the sarge had gently brushed off her offer.  

“I want to though. It’s just a few blocks and I could use a brisk walk.” She had already picked up her coat, and put her hair in a signature ponytail in order to keep it intact in case the weather outside was windy. Always prepared Santiago-style.

“Just let her go, Sarge. It’ll make her day,” Rosa added without looking up from where she was currently stirring milk into her fresh cup of coffee. Amy smiled widely at the sound of her friend’s comment, lowkey enjoying the support though she also knew the curly-haired detective’s comment contained a certain amount of mocking.

Enhancing his already huge muscles, their sergeant shrugged in defeat before dealing the number and placing the phone to his ear. He wasn’t getting anywhere with this. “Sure… Go ahead, Santiago.”

“Awesome! See you in a bit,” and with that said, Amy rushed out the break-room and through the busy bullpen before suddenly bumping into a firm chest, as she was too busy wrapping her scarf around her neck.

“Wow there!” The chest uttered.

“Oh, sorry! I wasn’t-“ she looked up to meet a couple of familiar brown eyes. Her before nervous o-shaped lips suddenly transitioned into a calm smile.

“Should I be worried that you’re fleeing the place as soon as I step in? Also… A scarf?” Jake squinted his eyes at his girlfriend’s (his girlfriend!!!) choice of outwear, adding a teasing smile for the sake of it.

He hadn’t expected anything else, so of course he got a pair of rolling eyes back, Those were also attached to a smile, of course. “Mock me if you will, but we’re in October and the weather is unpredictable.”

“Just admit that you’re constantly cold, Santiago.”

This little comment showed that he actually knew her a lot better than most people - including herself - thought and it caused blood a rush of blood to her cheeks. Befor she could even think of objecting, she was nervously tugging a strand of hair that had escaped her ponytail behind her ear. Jake could only stand and look, fighting the urge to pull her in for a kiss right then and there in front of the entire buzzing bullpen. A  cough of his broke the tension, saving them both from further yearning and problems with HR.

“Anyhow… Where are you even going? Isn’t it time for lunch?”

“Oh, I’m going to grab lunch for everyone,” she suddenly remembered how they’d ended up here in the first place, both still standing by the bullpen’s gate. Something immediately clicked in Jake’s brain. Though he’d been outside since the early hours, chasing some idiot perp who thought he could get away with robbing a delhi, he was willing to take another walk if it meant spending time with Amy.

“Care for some good-looking company?”

The fact that this question followed her statement without hesitance only made Amy’s heart pound faster for the man. There was honestly no one else she’d rather spend time with than him, and the fact that he felt that way too was very soothing to Amy. Dating and dealing with anxiety hadn’t always been a easy cocktail to drink, but Jake made it easier. So far so good, right?

“Sure,” she sent him a warm smile, automatically reaching for his hand but soon enough clenching her fist and diverting it. Professionalism was key and they were still very much inside the precinct.

15 minutes later, the two detectives were waiting in line for their order. Apparently, the rest of the precinct and half of Brooklyn had had the same exact  idea for lunch. The Chinese eatery was buzzing like a fairground, and both Jake and Amy could recognise at least a dozen of faces from around the city: colleagues from their own and neighbour precincts, old suspects and other random acquaintances.  

“Damn, what is up with Brooklyn today?” Jake frowned as they got into the back of the line.

“Payday was yesterday,” Amy stated matter of a factly, checking her phone for the order number that the sergeant had texted her.

“Ah, yes. Makes sense, ‘cause there’s no way in hell Anderson from PR can afford both Chinese for lunch and the new Dragon Quest Heroes-game…” After a few seconds of silence that’s when he realised the other detective was no longer looking at her phone, but instead him and this time with a confused frown.

“Okay, I had to drop by PR to see Holt and while I was waiting for him, I got in real deep with Anderson. Don’t judge!”

They took a few steps forward, feeling people joining the line behind them as Amy let him off the hook with a smile and a shake of the head. A comfortable silence between fell over the two, momentarily shielding them from the noise around them. The shorter of the two, whose scarf had blown into a messy ,’hanging on for dear life’-type of positions around her neck, suddenly started fidgeting with the long piece of black material. Still very much caught in this bubble, where only the two of them existed, Jake stared mesmerisingly as the black-haired got her hands all caught up. There was something so stupidly capturing and naturally beautiful about her - even as her eyes shot daggers at her scarf and nose scrunched with displeasure. Small grunts anf sighs escaped her tightly sealed lipped as to keep herself from cursing, which Jake knew she definitely could though she wasn’t proud of it.

Then, without even thinking like it was a deeply rooted instinct within himself, he took a step closer to her and grabbed the two ends of her scarf. She froze at his sudden closeness, just momentarily, before letting go of the tricky ends and tilting her head upwards to look at him. Currently busy fixing her scarf for her, he wasn’t looking directly at her face, but she was definitely looking at him. He could feel it. Right then and there he wished fixing a scarf was harder, just so he had an excuse to stand this close to her for a bit longer, but his hands eventually stopped moving when he realised he’d succeeded the task. No matter how unnatural or weird it might’ve seemed to the bystanders in line, he couldn’t get himself to let go of the fabric around her neck.  So he just stood there, holding onto the two ends with his hands as he finally replaced his vision to look straight back at her.

Like gravity he slowly started to pull her in closer by the scarf, slowly ducking his head to reach her few inches shorter height. Though they were very close by then as Amy just let him use her scarf to draw her in, Jake still had a pretty good sight of her face and he could tell that her eyes were wandering. They weren’t focused, itching for him like his was for her, but looked rather… anxious. This very small act, though probably unconscious on her part, drew him out of the moment and caused him to freeze nose tip to nose tip with his partner. It was all it took to pause his instincts and get him way too deep into his head.

It took him back to a few months prior, when he was with Sophia, and reminded him of how any kind of PDA was a no-no with her. He somewhat understood and agreed, since they professionally speak were enemies, but it still hurt. Every time he wanted to kiss her or even just grab her hand at or anywhere near the courthouse or her office, he’d have to stop himself. He couldn’t help but consider that maybe he was just the one who was a bit too all over the place with his feelings, and women actually didn’t like this kind of stuff. Maybe it was just better to keep feelings and the public space as separate things. Amy wasn’t his object to prance around with, even if he simply did it out of care and envy. It was not like actually cared whether or not people saw them. Sometimes he just craved her attention; her touch - just to make sure that she was indeed real and no longer a dream,

He swallowed, silently but prominently, as if to prepare himself for a crash and burn. Their noses were still pressed against one another; his hands were still keeping her close by the scarf and her eyes were still wandering around his face.

“Is this… okay?” She couldn’t help but notice how his breath hitched as he said it.

A huge frown immediately crept onto her beautiful face and it felt like a kick to the gut. “What do you mean?”

“This.” He pulled back, causing bridge of her nose suddenly feeling empty, to look into her eyes with grave sincerity which honestly almost scared Amy a bit. “Like, I know we’re out in public, but I wasn’t thinking straight and I just-” he took another deep breath, having run out of air. “I think I just, even unconsciously, want to like… Hold you and hug you and kiss you all the time. But I know it’s also kinda inappropriate-“

“Peralta. Shut up,” she giggled amusingly, shaking her head at him as she grabbed the sides of his open leather jacket to pull him into a kiss. Keeping in mind that they were in the midst of a few dozens of people, Amy allowed her lips to gently dance across his, letting him know that they were more than okay. Unable to grab her scarf, since her hands were in the way, he quickly found an alternative in putting his hands on her hips to pull her in close. The kiss had an entire firework factory explode in his stomach, still not understanding both why he had the coolest girlfriend or how she was actually her girlfriend. Though still pressed against hers, his lips spread into a wide grin and he could feel hers smile back; which without a doubt was the best feeling in the entire world. No doubt. So into it that the world disappeared, he barely notice her lips leaving his, when she slightly drew her head back to look him in the eyes.

“I know us being colleagues is a matter that we need to be careful about, but when we’re not back at the precinct or out on duty, then don’t…” She paused, running her tongue across her upper lip in thought and almost killing Jake, before continuing. “Don’t worry about it. It’s just me, okay?” Her right hand let go of the zipper on his jacket, only to slide up his collarbone, neck and ending on his cheek. She smiled and immediately reassured him. “Do whatever you’d done with any other girlfriend. Grab my hand, play with my hair, kiss me in line for Chinese take away in front of random people… It’s okay.”

A heavy, calm sigh escaped his body. “I just didn’t want to do it, just because I’m such a damn smitten fool, if you felt weird about it. I guess I’m still high on this whole us-thing.”

“You think I’m not? God, Jake. The only reason why I rarely do anything PDA-ish or sometimes look nervous when you initiate some is because… I can’t believe it’s you, you know? I can’t believe that I can do all these stupid, cute things to you without it being weird or wrong. And I can’t believe that I’m the girl that you can do all these stupid, cute things to. Doesn’t mean it’s not okay… Okay?”

“Okay,” he smiled, feeling like a heavy burden was lifted from his shoulders. The line moved, so they eventually had to let go of each other and go along with it. She felt him grab her hand, intertwining their fingers and couldn’t help but smile to herself. It’s stupid how such a small gesture could make her feel so giddy. Next thing she knew, he ducked his head to reach her ear’s level.

“Expect a lot of me smacking your butt and calling you sickly cute names from now on, Santiago. This is boyfriend-Jake and you’re getting the full experience from now on.”

“Jake…”

[xxxtrouvaillexxx]

This Christmas

A/N: This is written for @littledarlinhavefaithinme Merry Kismet Writing Challenge! I’m terribly excited to write this one and thought it is just a little bit late it is set on Christmas (a freaking month, I know, I suck) because that is what one of the prompts I chose was. So even though the holiday season is over, here is one more reminder that the new year should be greeted with wide open arms and a large smile because this is only the beginning But not really cause this is sad. And I’m on a Bucky kick so there is this fic and, like, 9 more on their way starring our favourite Winter Soldier.

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Summary: Bucky was spending his very first Christmas completely free of Hydra. No horrid nightmares, or memory gaps, he doesn’t even have the same sick arm they put on him thanks to Shuri. No more Hydra. And while he is so damn happy to be free, all he wants for Christmas is to see her smile one last time and he couldn’t stop himself from visiting her.

Author: Isa

Word Count: 4,648

Warning(s): Angst, fluff, cursing, 40′s Bucky, So many Feels, character death, flashback to 40s, ahh I hate myself. May or may not do one of these from the readers perspective too, just to add to my pain. Tell me if I should!

Prompt(s):

"Be more careful next time. I don't want to bandage you up again."

"I don't deserve you.”

"There's no way I'm letting you spend Christmas alone."

He can’t get his mind off of it. Off of her. It was Christmas and he can’t stop thinking about how this was he favourite time of year. How she used to run in the streets with a grin on her lips while she looked up to the sky with her arms held wide open just to bask in the falling snow. How she would giggle endlessly whenever he would take her ice skating even though he was horrible at it and would fall over and over just because he knew she loved it. He couldn’t help remember all the times he walked into their apartment to see her bundled in a blanket with a hot cup of tea by the window just to look at the sparkling streets. Or how the light flakes of snow would stick to her lashes and make her look like something straight out of a fairytale. He can’t stop thinking!

“-uck,” Steve called, though his voice was hardly heard over the blaring thoughts that ran through Bucky’s mind, that wouldn’t slow or silence for anyone. So he went ignored as Bucky continued to stare aimlessly out of the tower window as soft white flakes fell from the sky.

“Bucky!” He yelled once more and finally caught the attention of his friend as he whipped his head around to meet the kind gaze of Steve Rogers.

“Steve,” he murmured, his voice soft and full with emotion, his mind clearing of the reminiscent feelings and longing so he could again live in the present for another moment. “Hey man, what’s up?”

Steve scoffed playfully and grinned but caught on the emotions that Bucky was trying to lock down and hide away from him, “What’s up? I’ve tried calling you like, nine times now, and that’s all I get out of you? What’s up?”

“Sorry man, I was lost in thought. You’ve my full attention now though, so what did you want to talk about?” Bucky stood up and faced Steve directly, letting a small smile found its way to his face.

“I was just gonna tell you we are heading out now.” He said and looked at him sceptically, “Are you sure you don’t wanna go, Buck? I mean, Tony said it was gonna be a small party. Just us and a few people from Shield, nothing extravagant.”

“No,” he answered quickly. “I’m not a fan of parties anymore, especially not any that Stark has put together. I think I’ll just chill here. Besides, it’s still early in the afternoon, if I happen to change my mind I’ll have plenty of time to show up and still have a good time.”

“All right, but stop by if you get at all lonely, man,” Steve said and patted him on the back before turning to take his leave.

Bucky watched as he walked away and waited till he had closed the door once again to let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and looking up to the ceiling. He felt like he’d never be able to get his emotions back in check with his rapidly beating heart and clammy palms. And, logically, he knew that this was going to pass, he knew that all of these hopeless feelings and the yearning for who he could only dream of seeing again would be over with soon. He just had to get through the next couple of days. But he knew that that was only wishful thinking too, he was never going to be able to let her go. He knew that and the realization of it crushed him as he slowly sank into the chair again.

“James!” She yelled shock was evidently written across her face and fear flashing over her face for a sheer moment before taking my arm and pulling me inside. “What the heck happened?”

I would have grinned had the pain from my left cheek not shot through my face. “Nothing to worry about doll, Stevey just got himself into trouble again,” I sighed and followed closely behind her. “I just can’t go and to dinner with Ma like this, so I thought I’d see my favourite girl instead. Don’t worry sweetheart, Ma knows where I am and Steve is home too-”

She pushed me onto the couch and glared at me, “Well, obviously he’s already home. I know for a fact you wouldn’t have come here before you dropped him off.  You gosh dang-” she abruptly cut herself off with a shake of her head, “Don’t move.” She commanded before leaving to grab her first aid kit from the bathroom down the hall.

I grinned as I heard her huff and puff about me and Steve being foolish and reckless, how we needed to stop getting into trouble all the time. And the instant she came back into the room I knew if I didn’t wipe the stupid smirk from my face right then and there that she may just kill me if nothing else bang me up a little more than I already was.

“So what was it this time? Steve found some idiots on the street again and challenged them to prove his masculinity or to save some damsel in distress?” She asked and I could hear the slight humour in her voice. “Or maybe it was you this time who decided to stir up some trouble where there didn’t need to be any.”

I couldn’t stop the scoff that left my lips at her words. “I’m offended you would even think anything so preposterous, doll,” I spoke with mock horror and placed a hand over my heart, painting my face with false hurt. But it didn’t stay for long when she turned and walked to me looking completely through my act. “Okay!” I said exasperated and threw my hands up in surrender. “Steve must’ve seen something he didn’t like again and stood up to a group of thugs when I wasn’t around, of course. I found ‘em in the alley and I couldn’t just leave Stevey there sweetheart, you know that.”

She sighed and looked at me with such love and adoration that I felt like my heart would beat out of my chest if she kept it up for even a second longer. “I know James. I know, but please be careful alright? I don’t like it when you find yourselves trouble and have to come here for a patch up. You shouldn’t need patch jobs, James. You tell Steve that too, I don’t enjoy the sight of the two of you on my front step bruised and broken,” she spoke softly and placed a warm cloth against my face, beginning to treat the wounds I received.

“Of course, darling. I’ll relay your message directly to the man himself, but I’m not so sure it’ll get through. You know how he can be.”

She snickered and grabbed the rubbing alcohol and cotton, “Yeah, I know. He can be as stubborn as a mule sometimes, and while that side of him worries and annoys me, I love him for it too. He’s a good man, I just hope that he’ll figure that out for himself one day without thinking he’s got to prove something to the rest of the world.”

I winced at the stinging sensation that stung the nerves of the open cuts on my face. This was always the worst part of cleaning a wound but I was still able to joke around through the pain, “You make it sound like I’ve got competition doll. Am I gonna have to fight with Steve to keep you?”

She hummed and shrugged. “Maybe, just to be sure, I like to keep my options open. But if Steve wins you gotta play fair.” And as she said that, I really couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. Oh, I hope she is joking.

“Be more careful next time. I don't want to bandage you up again." Her voice broke and she momentarily closed her eyes to keep tears from shedding and I could feel my heart begin to crack.

Grabbing her hand and placing a chaste kiss on her knuckles, I nodded my head. “I know, I promise I will.”

It felt like his mind was going to completely go numb by the fast pace of each memory flying by and the quickness of the thoughts entering and leaving his head. He remembered it all and it was as if he was remembering them for the very first time again. The initial shock he felt when he first saw the girl in his head. Her smile that was so impossibly kind and cheerful and eyes so bright and alive with wonder that he never thought it possible to be filled with so much joy until that moment.

The fear that came later, that absolutely flooded his system, when he realized that, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember her name. Even though she constantly flooded his thoughts, her laugh, soft hands, over the shoulder glances, sighs, words, everything that she was bombarded his memories but he couldn’t for the life of him think about what her name was. He remembered her face, their first dance. He remembered when they first met in the city park and how she immediately was so kind and gentle. God, she was so gentle, her voice, her skin, her words, her.

But even still, even weeks after he was regaining his memories and countless nights spent lying awake to simply stare at the ceiling while his mind went rapid, on a mission for just one more thing. It took him over, and he was sinking into a hole the longer he sat trying to think.

It wasn’t until some months after his first memory came did he even bother to go and ask Steve about her. About who she was to him and what she meant to Bucky when he was still what he considered to be the real Bucky Barnes, not some broken shell of a man on his way to recovery. Steve was hesitant at first, his friend had been doing so well with his recovery and he didn’t want to set him back with the news and horror of this topic. It took Bucky nearly another month to convince him to tell him about her and by that time he had even more fragments of her back but still no recollection of her name or who she was to him.

When Steve finally cracked and told him her name it was like a dam broke inside of him. He didn’t know why necessarily, he didn’t know why he cried so harshly that his throat grew sore, or why he felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest and torn to shreds right before his eyes. He didn’t understand it at all but he needed to know now more than ever. He needed to know about her.

And what he learned from Steve, it amazed him. Amazed and hurt him in ways he didn’t even know was still possible for him. The kind of hurt that made your head spin and mouth go dry. That had your veins running frozen shrapnels of blood coursing through your body and then curdle a second later. And had your heart at a complete standstill, stalled to the point where his lungs refused to be filled with air before it starts beating so exponentially fast that even though he was breathing quickly it felt even still that the shallow gulps of air would never be enough. 

And the kind of amazement that filled made his mind rush with the unknown and thrill over it. The kind that makes your heart flutter and the world seem to light up with colour around you. It was that warm feeling that ran through your entire person all while sending chills down your spine with shock and wonder. It was the mystery of what was to come and sudden excitement that accompanied the undiscovered.

And he was determined to know everything about her from that point on. Of course, that had been over a year ago now. He had fought and killed, regained his sense of being if only just a little, remembered himself and his past, piece by piece, went under again in Wakanda and finally, finally, returned home with Steve whole. As himself for the first time 70 years. He had his past, he could look back on himself as the winter soldier without falling apart, and he actually could look forward with hope and not dread. He was whole, but he was still missing a part of himself he’d never be able to get back. He had lost his better half, his soulmate, the love of his life. And he was never going to be able to get her back.

And that fact alone could kill him, and it would be a death far worse than any death that this world would be able to provide.

He turned his gaze from the window and stood up from his seat to grab his jacket and leave his room. He couldn’t stay cooped up in his room anymore, he couldn’t stay locked away and let his memories haunt him alone. He had to get out of the tower, had to clear his thoughts. Or at least go for a walk outside to enjoy the weather he’d usually hate otherwise while he thought.

There wasn’t anything that was stopping me from walking over and talking with her. Nothing at all other than the fact that she was so mad at me that she couldn’t so much as look me in the eye or spare a glance in my direction. Nothing, not a word for the last week, not a mumble of disdain under her breath, not a single thing. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get her to forgive me. Hell, I wasn’t even completely sure about what I’d done wrong

I made a move closer to her and it was almost a reflex as she took a subtle step away, and it would have gone unbeknownst to anybody else but I saw her body tense and her back straighten. She was on guard. Preparing for battle. From me. And the realization of that fact was like a gunshot to the heart.

I sat back in my seat and sighed, glueing my gaze to the ceiling so I could clear my head. I had to make her at least hear me out because if I were being completely honest I knew what was wrong. I knew what I had done and there wasn’t anything that would make her feel better or the problem go away. But he needed her to hear him out, to know that he was going to make everything okay and that no matter what he’ll be here for her always.

But he has to get her to listen to him first and with her so on guard against him, he simply doesn’t see how he is supposed to do that. There wasn’t any way of him getting close enough to her for them to actually have a civil conversation together, not when she was already looking like she was ready to sprint out of the room when she felt his gaze on her back. She was subtle about all of her movements, every flinch or tense of her shoulders, they were hardly noticeable. He doubted he would have even been able to tell at all had he not known her as well as he did. But every minor move of her hand or shift of her eyes he caught onto them all in an instant.

Before he even had a chance to tap on my arm to get my attention, I knew Steve had wandered up behind me. “Hey, man.” I murmured and glanced over my shoulder at him and offered a small smile in greeting. I could tell that he wasn’t convinced, however, when he glanced over her way with a worried expression and then back at me again.

And while I saw it coming, I still couldn’t help the sigh that fell from my lips. “Dude, you have to talk to her. You guys can’t keep this going forever, you both look miserable.”

“You think I don’t know that? She won’t let me near her, Steve. How am I supposed to get her to talk to me when she is treating me like I’m the plague?” I asked, absolutely exasperated, hoping if not praying that he could figure out some sort of solution that had flown over my head. There isn’t a single thing that I could think of at this moment that would make her want to be by my side again.

“I can try to talk to her for you,” he suggested and I spun around to look at him so fast that I swore I gave myself whiplash, but my face was bright and hopeful nevertheless. “She might listen to me right now, and I can try and convince her to at least sit with you for a few minutes while you explain yourself.”

“Steve, if you could even get her to look at me for a split second, I would owe you the world.”

“Oh shut up, jerk. I’m doing this as much for her as I am you and you know it. You just have to make things right with her, got it?”

I nodded eagerly and all but shoved him away and toward her. “Go get ‘em, punk.”

I watched closely as he made his way over to her and caught her attention. I noticed how she smiled and hugged him and I couldn’t help the ping of gut-wrenching guilt that flooded through me knowing that she hadn’t just been avoiding me, but also Steve. I had split up their friendship because she knew that Steve could convince her of anything and she wasn’t going to hear it from either of us. Their friendship was something that would last a lifetime and persevere through the ages, and I could only hope that ours would too. But knowing that she was letting him talk to her now was also a glimmer of hope. Maybe she was finally willing to listen to them, just a little.

When she glanced back at me, I felt my breath leave me in one rush. Even though the anger that still burned behind her eyes, I could still see the love she held in them too. I saw my girl look at me and love me, and I couldn’t stop the small smile that crept to my lips cause I knew that there was still hope for me.

It only lasted a moment before she returned her gaze to Steve and ran a hand down her face. The talked for several minutes, it felt like a lifetime to me though. Watching in wonder as they conversed but not knowing what they were saying, it was killing me. I was almost sure that she was going to walk away from us again by how long that they were taking, by how many times she threw her head back and laughed sarcastically and then looked back with slitted eyes and the many times she would look away from him with a distant look. I was preparing for the absolute worst when she looked down and nodded slowly. Steve smiled, patted her arm comfortingly, and pointed in my direction, saying one last thing before walking away.

My world came to a stop it seemed, everything around me slowed down as our eyes met and she made the first step. I wanted to cry, relief rushed over me and my heart soared. She was coming my way, for the first time in a week and she was looking at me. Really looking at me, not through, not about or around. Me, and her eyes held so much pain and love.

“Doll-” I started but she cut me off with a raise of her hand.

“Don’t. Not here, James. I can’t-” her voice broke and my heart cracked at the sound. “I’ll listen to whatever you have to say, but not here.

I nodded and held out my hand with apprehension. “I understand. Will you walk with me, then? While I explain?” I held my breath as I waited, and after a moment she placed her hand in mine and the world seemed to stir back to life again. “Thank you, doll.”

“Five minutes, Barnes. That’s all I’m giving you. Best start talking,” she said and began to lead the way out of the building and down the street. And I followed her closely, right behind her like a lost puppy.

“Okay. I know you hate me right now, and you have every right to. I should have told you sooner, should have told you that I was drafted, I should have told you when it first happened. But, doll, this is a good thing. I’m going to be able to protect you, and Stevie, and my Ma, my sisters. I’m going to be out there making sure that you are all safe, that is the best damn thing I can ask for, knowing that the people I love are safe. And I know that you don’t want me to go-”

“No, it goes beyond me not wanting you to go, James. It goes so much farther than that. Do you know how it felt when you told me that you were drafted? The knowledge that you are going to be out there, fighting in a war, do you know what that did to me?”

“Doll, I-”

“No! Don’t “Doll” me right now James! I felt like a part of my soul was being ripped from my being, like my heart was ripped from my chest and trampled on by a stampede of horses and then put into a wood chipper just to be sure that it would never be able to work the same again. So that my heart will always carry that damage no matter how many times I try and repair it or how many years will go by, it will never be the same.” She declared, her voice shaking and quite. “The fear that I felt knowing that you may get hurt when you’re out there, or that you may never come back to me at all. James, I could never hate you, no matter what you do. I can’t do that because I love you so freaking much that it hurts me. It physically hurts me when I see you with so much as a scratch on your face because I know- I know!- that I could have done something, anything, that could have prevented it. But I didn’t because I wasn’t there when I should have been.”

“But now? Now there isn't any way for me to be there for you. You aren’t going to be able to show up on my doorstep for a quick patch up after another one of your stupid fights. You aren’t going to be coming to my house late at night when you just need to talk or had a rough day. You won’t come by for cookies before you gotta head home. You aren’t going to come and see me just for the heck of it at all because you’re going to be out there fighting for your life every day! Every day, James! And you promised me! You promised me that you wouldn’t go, that you would stay here to take care of Steve, your family. You were gonna stay because you know that they need you, you know that! And I need you too,” she stopped and took a deep breath.

“You promised me.”

“I know,” I whispered and gripped her hand tighter. “I know I did, but we both knew that this was going to happen one way or another. There is no avoiding this, darling. And it was only a matter of time before I got the letter. But baby, I know that no matter what happens out there that I will always come back to you. You’re my everything doll, and I know that I don’t deserve you, and this last week has been killing me without you, but damn it all if I’m not a selfish asshole who refuses to give you up for anything. I’m not going to leave you for anything, not a thing. You have to know that and trust me, I’m not going anywhere.”

“But you can’t promise me that, James. You can’t know-”

“Yes, I do. Because if I know that my best girl is waiting for me then there isn’t a man out there that can stop me from getting back to her.”

She stopped walking, and if I hadn’t been holding onto her hand I’m fairly certain she would have slipped through my fingers. Her shoulders were shaking slightly and her gaze was glued to the concrete beneath our feet, her mind seemed to be running a million miles a minute while she tried to grasp onto something to say, but no words fell from her mouth.

“I still have another two weeks before I am deployed. They’re giving me time to collect myself and things and to say goodbye to everyone before they send me out. But before I do go, there is one last thing that I want to ask you doll. Just one more thing.” I could hear the slight tremble in my own voice as I spoke and it obviously didn’t go unnoticed by her either by the way her head shot up and her glossy eyes met mine with concern.

“Anything.”

“Wait for me, wait for me to come back to you.”

“Of course, James. You don’t have to ask me that-”

“No, that isn’t what I was asking, doll.” I chuckled at her puzzled face and took my hand away from hers, raising it to hold her face. She leaned into my touch and it made my heart rate pick up more than it already was if that was at all possible. I closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and got down on my knee.

I looked up and smiled a little sheepishly as she threw her hands over her mouth and a tear slipped down her cheek.

The creaking of the gate caught my attention momentarily as I was met face to face with paths lined with stone headers. Aisles and aisles, open as only one or two people walked on the snow gingerly. He hadn’t come back to this place since the first time he learned she was here, it had been just a bit longer than a year now since then. Since Steve finally opened up about her completely and told him all about the girl that he remembered and loved. The girl he still loves so much that it rocks him to his core.

Breathing in the crisp and cold air he carefully placed one foot in front of the other and made the long journey down the rows, nodding softly as a greeting when he caught the attention of the other people there. The trek through the snow seemed to go on for hours, a never-ending walk to reach his destination, to see her.

And when he finally made it, he could feel the tears slipping down his face and the thumping of his heart beat against his chest. “Hey, doll. You know there’s no way I’m letting you spend Christmas alone, right? Not again,” he whispered softly and kneeled down, looking at the stone that rested in front of him.

“Here lays Y/N Barnes. Loving daughter, wife, mother. 1919 - 2010”

“Merry Christmas, Y/N.”