#They're making me so damn tired and fatigue is good for no-one

[igotbloodonmyhands]

Nightmares / Part I

Note: I made this two parts since I really wanted to post this but couldn't find the energy to write for the others tonight. Tomorrow you'll get Price, Rudi and Soap tho (I used alphabetical order, that's why they're last). Trope: Fluff, angst, hurt comfort Word count: 1.303 Trigger warning: Mention of torture

Alejandro: Alejandro was no stranger to sleepless nights. It took an eternity for him to fall asleep, worries and sorrows keeping him awake. When he did finally fall asleep, the nightmares came. He'd stand in the town square of Las Almas, having to watch as his family, friends and comrades were put against a wall. He couldn't run or scream, just stand there. When he suddenly stared in the barrel of a gun he finally woke up, shirt wet with sweat, the rooms silence filled by his heavy breaths. "Joder (Fuck)", he mumbled, getting up and putting on a new shirt. It was 0200 (2 am). He decided to get a tea. As he stepped in the community room he was surprised to see the lights on, you standing in pyjamas in front of the boiling kettle, a mug in your hand. "(Name)? What are you doing in the kitchen an two in the morning, tesoro?" You turned around, grinning but tired. "I could ask you the same, Ale" He sighed and grabbed a mug and tea bag (Spanish orange) "Can't sleep. You?" "Same. Do you... Wanna talk about it?", he shook his head. "Not right now, I think.... Just need to think about something else" You shrugged. "Understandable" You two sat down on the couch, sitting in silence, drinking the tea, each lost in their own thoughts. "Would you rather fight one hundred duck sized horses or one horse sized duck?", you suddenly asked. He looked at you like you had grown two horns. "Ehhh, madre mia, the horses, I think?", he answered. "Me too. Even though it would depend on the horse" He chuckled. "Are you trying to distract me?" You grinned "Is it working?" He rolled his eyes "A bit". You leaned you head on his shoulder, and after a moment he put his head on yours. "Good" You continued to banter about random nonsense until, finally, fatigue overcame you and you finally fell asleep. It was the best sleep either of you had gotten in a while.

Gaz: Falling asleep wasn't the problem. But as soon as Gaz drifted off into dream land, he was haunted. Faces of fallen comrades screamed at him for not saving them, the screams of agony of their last moments, the pleas of enemies he tortured filled his mind. With a muffled yelp he shot up in his bed, chest heaving. "Fuck", he muttered, getting up and pacing up and down in his room. His heart was beating like a racehorse. He grabbed his gym bag and decided to head to the training rooms. He was surprised to see the lights on, the thudding of fists hitting the punching bag filling the room. "Not bad, (name)", he stepped closer, looking at you. You sighed. "Can't sleep either?", you asked. He nodded. "Yea. Damn nightmares", he punched the bag, making it swing violently. You stepped back, sitting down on the mat and leaning against the wall. "Wanna talk about it?". He thought for a moment before turning his attention back on the bag. You thought he'd just ignore you and stay quiet, but as he started punching the bag, he muttered under his breath. "I couldn't save them. I killed them" His punches got harder and more aggressive. "It's my fault. It's my fault". You weren't sure who he was talking about, but it didn't quite matter right now. "Hey, hey, Gaz", you tried to calm him down. "Cmere", you patted the mat next to you. He seemed to contemplate for a moment, but then finally sat down next to you. A shuddered breath escaped him as he slumped in on himself. You opened your mouth, but quite honestly you weren't sure what to say. So you just sat in silence, but it wasn't an awkward feeling. It felt... Safe. Suddenly, you felt his head on your shoulder, and smiled, leaning yours against his.

Ghost: For Ghost, a good nights sleep was as common as a unicorn. Everytime he closed his eyes, he was there again. Buried alive, in a coffin, squished next to a decaying body. But this time, he didn't get out. He thrashed and screamed, unbeknownst to him not only in his sleep, but it was no use. He was trapped, he was trapped, he was trapped. Panic flooded his every fiber, but he just wouldn't fucking wake up. His eyes widened when he finally woke up. His breath came in short, shuddering gasps, tears staining his cheeks. He wanted to run, he needed to run or else he'd suffocate. He almost fell over putting on his pants and running shoes before he ripped open his door and ran. He didn't know where, he just needed to run. The sky was still dark, with the faintest shimmer of violet light creeping up the horizon. He aimed for the woods behind the barracks, mindlessly running along the paths. "Fuck, Riley, watch your step, big boy", a sudden voice squeaked. He opened his eyes which he didn't remember closing. He looked down, seeing you knocked over on the ground. "Sorry", he mumbled, giving you a hand and pulling you up. "What are you doing here at this time of night?", you raised an eyebrow. He shifted his weight. "Can't sleep". "Me too...", you looked at him. His gaze was weird... Dead, somehow. "Do you... Want to talk about it?", you asked carefully. "No", he said, voice firm. "Come with me", you grabbed his arm, leading him to a bench nearby, guiding him down and plopping next to him. "I'm here for you, you know that, right?" He gulped. "Yea..." A deep sigh escaped him. "...Thank you". You smiled, leaning your head on his shoulder. "No problem", you mumbled, feeling him relaxing under you.

Horangi: They were here, they'd kill him, fuck, he needed to hide, he needed to hide. Horangi panted, clenching his fist in the sheets. His eyes opened wide and he rubbed the scars on his face. He grabbed a pack of cigarettes and stepped outside, sliding down the wall. He lit it and took a deep breath, letting his head roll back and closing his eyes. "Whatcha doin there?", you voice suddenly sound beside him. "빌어먹을!" (Fucking hell, may be a bit wrong since I don't speak Korean) He had jumped up, sighing when he saw it was just you. "Stop sneaking up to me like that, (name)". You chuckled. "Heh, sorry". You sat down next to him. "Can't sleep?", you looked up at him. He nodded. "I don't wanna talk about it". "Then lets just... Sit" You leaned against him, feeling the tension melt slightly from his form.

König: As soon as he closed his eyes, the memories came. He was strapped to a chair, only dressed in boxer shorts, his hood gone. He felt exposed. They whipped, beat and cut him, the scars still evident on his skin. He stood up on shaky legs, the scars on his body aching. A small tin of ointment stood on the table, which he grabbed and carefully rubbed it in. He was not gonna fall asleep anytime soon again. With a heavy sigh he put on his clothes and shuffled towards the armoury. He plopped down on a bench and started cleaning his guns. "Hey there", he hadn't heard you, and immediately pointed the empty gun at you. "Scheiße! You scared me!", he mumbled. You giggled, sitting down next to him. "Sorry". He rolled his eyes and watched him clean his weapons for a minute. "Can't sleep?", you asked. "Nightmares", he answered shortly. You leaned your head on his shoulder, feeling his muscles move under it as he wiped down the barrel of his gun. "You can always talk to me, you know?", you mumbled. "Yea... Danke"

[frogchiro]

Am I straight horny from reading eremite thirst? Yes. Do I want to dress up in Babel's clothing infront of them? Yes. Yes I do. I mean Babel got some hip windows and I know damn well her clothes are MADE to he ripped off

AS YOU SHOULD BE NONNY

rfhgueguegu I just looked up Babel and good golly please step on me lady

and you're right her clothes are as hot as she is, i'm going genuinely feral for the hip windows, as would the men of your group <3

fem!reader, slight nsfw, the usual drill; hot, big and horny Eremite men having the ultimate hots for you <3

Since you're staying with them permanently now, you decided on incorporating their style and culture into your life and what better to begin with than clothes! You bought them from a traveling merchant during a short stay at the Caravan Ribat before continuing further into the desert.

You had to set up camp for the night and since there has been a successful hunt with minimal damage your boys decided that a small celebration is in place; you could swear that they'd find any excuse to celebrate and make you dance for them so that they could use it as a way to grope you and eventually drag you back into the tent an have their way with you.

SO, you decided that this little gathering is a perfect way to make use of your new dress! It's a bit skimpy but it feels as if it's weightless, the dark gauzy fabric perfectly accentuating your curves and hugging all the right places.

Just as you got the last piece in place, a booming voice just outside your tent made you slightly jump as one of the men announced that they've set up the fire and roast and they're waiting for you which earned you a few loud and excited whoops of delight from the others.

You smiled slightly and made your way to remove the flap of the tent and reveal yourself getting kinda anxious what would they say about your new outfit, would they like it? What if you ended up looking ridiculous and-

Your train of thoughts was immediately brought to a halt when you noticed all the men staring at you, their eye bandanas temporarily removed and looking-or rather leering-right at you.

You noticed the look right away; dark, hungry, lustful, that of predator just about to pounce on a unsuspecting prey. You got bashful as you slowly stepped into the area where they were sitting in silence still, just looking.

Before you could say something to get the out of this trance you let out a yelp as suddenly a pair of strong arms belonging to Geo Enchanter wrapped around your middle and dragged you straight into his lap while the men sitting next to him flocked closer and started to run their hands all over you.

"And just where did ya get this thing Little Lady, hmm~? Think you can just walk dressed like that and expect a man to behave?"

The dark skinned man growled into your ear before nipping it lightly and letting his big scarred hands wander all over your body and slip under the sheer chest piece to tease your quickly stiffening nipples.

"I-ah! I-bought it. From that cloth merchant back at the Caravan Ribat. Y-You were so silent when I walked out, I thought you didn't like it-!"

Your ramble was quickly cut short by a slight swat to your bottom and the booming laughs of the surrounding men; just when did they all get so close?

"Well, ya can be pretty sure we like it, don't we boys?", Sunfrost's quip was answered by delighted calls.

"Then let's show this pretty Lady how much we love it~"

That sentence basically sealed your fate and they took you right then and there, on the laid out on the furs under the shining stars and night sky. When they were finaly finished with you, you were back inside the shared tent, all of the men tired out and panting with fatigue.

Right there in the middle of the sweaty bodies laid your naked form, the beautiful dress torn to shreds earlier in the night by the hungry hands of the Eremites; a shame really, the dress really was pretty but hey! At least you can be sure that your boys liked it too, right~?

[brumeraven]

🪫: On Fates || chronic illness, decay, exhaustion, depression, fatigue, helplessness, self-harm, the mirror

"Have a nice day-oh..." She trailed off mid-platitude, blinking and looking away as she noticed my Fate. I knew that's what it was; I'd grown accustomed to the sudden loss of eye contact. One quick saccade, realization, revulsion, and finally embarrassment.

For the first time, I allowed myself to become aware of the other figure, standing beside and a bit behind her, like an over-controlling manager.

Old. Tired, yes, but at peace, nothing at all like the vivacious youth she'd once been.

Not a bad way to go.

No one knows where Fates came from, or at the very least if someone does, they're not telling. Maybe they sprung from our collective subconscious. Maybe there was a data breach at the Akashic records. Maybe it was just divine revelation.

Or maybe a Witch decided once and for all that She was tired of explaining Herself, tired of the rest of us not seeing the world through Her eyes.

All I know is that one day, they were suddenly there, just beside and a little behind each of us.

Didn't take long to figure out what they meant.

Even if there'd been the possibility for doubt, well, a sizable majority of that first bunch showed all the hallmarks of a myriad novel and varied means of suicide.

And then all of them came true.

Once people came face to face with an inerrant, tangible proof of their own mortality, well, they just gave up. Taking matters into your own hands was a means of control, of reclaiming agency, snatching back some false sense of free will from the jaws of predestination.

It was paradoxical, come to think of it, all wrapped up in retrocausality. None of them ever saw any other death but by their own choice. Perhaps it was just the finality of it all, but it hardly seems as if that could have driven any to it.

And yet...

It was a matter of proof incontrovertible that one just wasn't strong enough to survive in a world devoid of make-believe, one in which it seemed impossible to forget.

They were wrong. The human capacity for self-delusion and willful blindness should never be underestimated.

I nodded politely to the girl and wandered out of the shop to the street. Those who survived adapted quickly.

It became gauche to even notice another's Fate, much less comment on it, and how could one acknowledge one's own without tacitly, indirectly doing the same to others?

People just ignored them.

If your Fate was to die fast and young, what was there but to squeeze in every last drop of life in the interim?

And if instead one was to die after a long life, why bother thinking of the future? Damn the consequences; apparently they wouldn't matter.

And so it was that, after a short period of adaptation, society all but returned to normal.

All but us, the afflicted.

I peered furtively at passersby, taking in the myriad endings their Fates foretold.

Cancer.

Heart disease.

An overdose.

Vehicle accident.

The usual fare.

For them, death was a state, the finality of an outcome so unlike one's current state as to be near impossible to consider. And as such of no concern to them.

For some small number of us, though, death was a process. Dying, dying was hard. And living in spite of it harder still.

I looked to my side, forcing myself to see what others refused to, what I'd seen every single day since that first.

I saw myself, as I was.

My own life, as I lived it.

All the suffering and resentment I lived with, day after day after day.

Only, it wasn't the same at all.

Decades older, she was nevertheless a mirror of me, a cruel reflection in which every ounce of pain and frustration and resentment had been magnified, every bit of exhaustion redoubled.

Decrepit and decaying, I saw the truth of my future every single day.

Decline.

Despair.

Every time I looked at her, I saw that I would only worsen.

Every time I looked at her, I saw that, soon enough, my bad days would be good ones, and the bad to come worse still.

Every time I looked at her, I knew I would go on existing anyways, spared even the mercy of death.

No wonder then that I walked alone in a bubble of averted eyes down these crowded streets.

With time, they'd all found it easy enough to know that they'd die.

How much crueler a fate to know that you'd never be allowed to live.

~🪫

[rosequart]

really enjoyed the new spiderverse :) the kind of movie that makes me go "damn i love movies"

my initial non-spoilery thoughts

loooved everything about the opening sequence. gwen's watercolor world is so responsive to her state of mind, transitioning from pastels to darker shades to more water-drippy and impressionistic

the web-slinging/swinging sequences are so fucking cool. just watching miles move through the city is beautiful—the effortless way in which their bodies move along with the camera, the way the web looks; spiderman has never looked better. you just cannot do this shit in live action.

i never got tired or exhausted by the visuals (maybe except until the fight sequence on the rocket/vertical train thing, but that's more action scene fatigue) which shows how well the movie is visually paced

in clumsier hands the self-referential humor ("villain of the week") and multiverse explaining ("canon events") would've been such a pain, but it's implemented really well. they clearly know when to be comedic vs. serious. no "that happened"s here!

i think the first half of the movie is much better paced and themed—i really enjoyed the family drama and miles and gwen just hanging out. once they reach the spiderpeople HQ it starts to feel bloated

more plot/spoilery stuff under the cut

it's hard to discuss the themes because it's half of a movie—luckily i went in knowing that, i would've been upset if i didn't know beforehand lol

the vulture at the beginning was very cool. i want to see his leonardo da vinci world

fucking love the spot. a villain who desperately wants to be taken seriously paired with a hero who quips and doesn't give him the time of day, driving him further down the villain path. great stuff

the only live action bit i liked was with the convenience store lady from the venom movies...otherwise it was pretty jarring. i do not need to see crying andrew garfield in my animated spiderman movie

i was happy to see peni :) her characterization and design was one of the more disappointing things about the first movie so i'm hoping her larger role in the third installment will be more in the vein of edgy mech anime/NGE

the slow realization that miles ended up in the wrong universe was soooo good i felt so smart and shocked when it happened. "what's comicscon" indeed

this movie had like 5 different endings lol

the actual ending rubbed me the wrong way in the implication that a world without spiderman (read: law enforcement) devolves into Crime and Anarchy and i get that it's an easy way to mark the universe as The Bad Timeline but it still sucks imo.

...which is a weird contrast to the spider society where they're clearly doing a "miguel's strict law enforcement is harming him and everyone around him" thing but i guess the movie is just going along with the age-old good cop myth. also hated the direct comparison between the spider mask and a cop badge. overall i think the movie's stance on cops and law enforcement is a clear attempt at having their cake and eating it too (especially noticeable with spiderpunk's existence). unfortunately that's probably par for the course for spiderman stories and superhero narratives at large

so interested in what they'll do with prowler-miles. i'm hoping he has an important role in the next one

for me this movie really disproves the idea of superhero/multiverse fatigue

hope all the artists who worked on this get a nice and long vacation. because my god.

[hislittleraincloud]

I'm supremely tired today even though I passed out early-ish for me. (Maybe 3AM? That's early for me.) I did it without taking my full meds, so I woke up sick and had to take them anyway...and now I can't keep my eyes open. Idiopathic hypersomnia is a real fucking bitch (and I've had it most of my life; my mother also has it).

This sucks so gd much bc I have things to write. I want to write. But right now there's so much fatigue that I'm just useless atm. I couldn't even find the energy to put together my Wednesday sticker album with its stickers.

If you know me, I am a huge, huge cards and sticker collector...when my ex dumped all my stuff, I had a very extensive collection, sports and non-sports; I had a thing for Mets Mike Piazza and had a collection of his rare inserts (including a mistake print that was the only one in the world...and #001 — and a couple of #031 — inserts as well, and an early online friend was nice enough to gift me his Bowman Dodgers rookie card, which isn't worth shit now but the rare inserts and the mistake printing still sting). I mostly did non-sports, and had a bunch of TV show inserts and special sets. I didn't have any of my Paninis though, those are still back at the house in Massachusetts.

Speaking of non-sports cards, where in fuck are the Wednesday cards? Where the fuck is Cryptozoic, and why haven't they made a Wednesday set yet? I'm sure that that would make big bank...I could see the Wenclairs going insane over having a piece of the rainbow film that NC Wednesday/Ortega scraped off of her side. In fact I can think of a million different screen-used "pieces of" Season 1 that would make perfect insert cards. The rainbow film, pieces of Donovan's cork board (like the map of Jericho), a piece of one of Xavier's drawings or paintings, piece of one of the Nightshades's robes, piece of one of the Poe Cup cat suits, piece of one of Tyler's Lesbian Plaid™ shirts (😘), piece of Wednesday's novel, etc. (Ooo, piece of the Rave'N dresses, since there were multiples made.) So many opportunities for inserts there. Cryptozoic isn't terrible (they're the ones who put out the Sons of Anarchy set, through which I have Donovan's autograph). This Panini thing is pretty fucking terrible though, with the worst artwork. I love me some Panini, but I suppose they're only good for animated works rather than live action since any number of fan artists could've done a better job with the art in this. Why do companies settle for such mediocrity? This is terribly simplistic and unappealing art, looks like it was done in less than 5 minutes/with autotrace for the vectors (and the most pathetic part is that it was likely done by someone with an art degree)

Anyway. I'm so tired. And horned up because of my testosterone shot. God damn it.

ETA: Happy Birthday, Wednesday. And uh...tomorrow is technically ABW's birthday (just after midnight, LOL). She is 18 today/tonight! ...✨🫠✨

[2dkapsddr]

April 25th, 2024 - PIU Phoenix, IIDX 31, DDR A3, CHUNITHM

after all my hard and awesome and super cool work and effort these past few days, it's time to reward myself on the one day i don't have to go to class... with an ARCADE DAY!!!! been really looking forward to this day to finally grind out my favorite arcade rhythm games, though i almost ended up cancelling my plans due to the rain and none of my family being willing to take me there... but thanks to me accidentally making my mom scold my sister, she took me there and i had the time of my LIFE!!!

struggling to figure out what i wanted to try first, i decided i wanted to grind out some PIU and hopefully regain my Intermediate Lv.10 title that i lost in the switch from XX to Phoenix. i tried looking up the requirements for the title on the website, but they're measured by this weird points/rating system for individual levels that i genuinely can't figure out?? ah well, no matter. if i play enough of the specified level, maybe i'll reach that point threshold soon enough! and so i did... very exhausting...

got tired pretty quickly and failed out of a D19 (MATADOR) at the very last hold, so i moved on to IIDX to get a bit of practice in for my hands while i waited for maya to come online and give me my new list of charts to clear!! first set went alright, i guess, and i even finally unlocked camellia's beach side bunny remix!!

while i waited, i switched over to some DDR and tried regaining my 14 clear lamp, which went alright! i got the clears, but i also got green FCs with them... more preemptive progress for my future goal of getting the 14 green lamp someday... (ohyeah also, kilonova ESP-17 extra stage clear!! exhausting but really fun chart...)

found a free credit in the chunithm cab and eated it (hoping to get the elusive SS rank on Shukusei Shinpan...) only to FAIL AGAIN AUGHHH JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN ONE MIL (ah well, at least i still have until i get onto my card again :]

moved back to DDR to try reclaiming my 15 clear lamp this time, but then i decided to give Ichizu a few tries when all of a sudden... i got THIS.

A BLACK FLAG. ON ICHIZU. AN EVIL AND BRUTAL 15 WITH A BAJILLION 16THS. AUGHHH AND IT WAS A RANDOM CHOKE IN THE FIRST 30 NOTES AS WELLLLL

i tried running it back several times (at least 10 times) in hopes of somehow getting the PFC on another try since i was so close, but it simply wasn't meant to be... i got some really good PFCs up to 300 combo twice, but the fatigue started kicking in and i couldn't play for much longer as i was starting to suffer from a massive headache...

i DID see a friend later that day who tried cheering me on through my failed attempts, so we played a fun set before i finished for the day where i nabbed some pretty good scores that i didn't think i could do!! (melody H4CKER is such a banger song oh my fucking god)

maya finally came online and gave me a list of 10s to try during my set, so i did just that and tried playing with a massive headache going on... big mistake. didn't clear any new 10s and only got AAs on some other charts before i decided that was enough gaming for today and went home... (that HARD BRAIN was cracked AF tho)

[masterwords]

It's cheesy but would you consider a sleep deprived Hotch trying to hold conversation with Derek but failing and falling asleep on him instead. Maybe they're already together at this point maybe the interaction melts Derek's heart to the stoic emotionless Boss. ☺️❤️

Look at me, answering asks from November! I swear I'll get to all of them eventually. But anyway, I love this one so much and it made me think of their late night in 5x05 - Cradle to Grave and "This is the job" and "Unless you have other plans" and "Not tonight" and...anyway! It's kind of platonic-ish but really not at all, you know how it goes with me and my rotting brain. (1.4k words)

*** a perfect setting ***

“This is the job,” he says with a smirk, but as lighthearted as he's trying to play this off it's just not. There isn't any question that he's doing the right thing. He can't keep this job for many reasons. Foyet is watching him and there is a certain performance he knows he needs to give, but he's not sure that it's still a performance. It might be true. He might be falling apart.

He hasn't slept in two days. Between the pain that hits so hard in the middle of the night and the phantom sounds of locks clicking and floors creaking and walls groaning...he's had the worst couple of nights in recent history. As the fog clears on his attack and those memories start to settle into their proper places, he's finding it harder to adjust to any sort of healthy rhythm. He fell asleep at the table while he was drinking his morning coffee, just lay his head down on his arms and dozed off until an email buzzed the phone against his arm and startled him awake.

First instinct? The holster on his leg.

Reaching for his weapon because of his phone. So yeah, maybe he was coming apart just a little. And giving this job to Derek made sense.

But watching the ease with which Derek absorbs the information he's attempting to lay out in a concise way is really forcing him to see the situation with a clarity he hadn't before. The stark contrast between the way Derek focuses and his own inability is startling.

“I could use some coffee, you?” he asks, and Derek nods quickly.

“Yeah. Coffee. Good call.”

He's half asleep when he stands, a little wobbly, a little unsteady. Exhausted and battling medications that come with bold warnings about side-effects like dizziness, drowsiness, fatigue, he also knows there are even simpler facts here that he's got to contend with. Hardly two months prior, he lost a massive amount of blood and that alone is bound to be a problem for a while longer if his doctors are to be believed. “Stop drinking coffee,” they tell him with those sour faces. “Drink water. You lost a significant amount of blood. It doesn't just regenerate over night and everything is back to normal.” Well, water doesn't help him stay awake so he's desperate.

He has some pills to take, his phone buzzes in his pocket and reminds him. He's been snoozing that alarm for hours, and now he's dangerously close to not being able to take them at all and having to wait for the next day's dose. But they make him so damn tired. He washes them down with coffee and hopes for the best.

“You don't need to stick around,” Derek says when he notices the way Hotch's eyelids get heavy while he glances over what Derek has completed so far. “I got this.”

“I'm okay,” Hotch lies. His meds are making him foggy. No matter how much caffeine he dumps in there he's still exhausted and falling asleep sitting up only with the added pleasure of heartburn and the inability to actually stay asleep if he lets himself drift. There has to be a line he crosses into total body shut down, he's just not there yet. Derek shrugs and goes back to his file when he sees Hotch pull one from the pile on the little coffee table and begin looking through what he's done.

The next time he looks up, Hotch's chin is buried in his chest. Derek walks over and drops the file onto the pile and slowly slips the open folder out of Hotch's hand. This, of course, wakes him up.

“Have a seat,” he says, trying to save face. “I noticed something you missed.” His voice is groggy and slow. Derek rolls his eyes dramatically.

“Oh, now come on...you were asleep...”

“Be that as it may, I did see something you missed.”

Derek sits down and Hotch doesn't skip a beat, he's leaning close and pointing to a few things that Derek sees right away...he must be tired too. He blinks hard and tries to focus, he's not used to staying up this late. Sure, maybe on the weekends when he wants to party a little and let loose but he's pretty rigid about bed time and wake up time on work nights if their case load allows. He values his full night of sleep, his morning workout, his routine. Taking this job is going to burn all of that down if he's not careful, starting tonight. He can't remember the last time he downed a cup of coffee after midnight.

Hotch smells really good. Like he's fresh out of the shower, and he shampoos with money. It's more than a little distracting in a very pleasant way. It's been a while since they've been this close, since they've fallen asleep in a pile on a couch in the middle of case files. Haley used to throw blankets over the top of them when they were at Hotch's home, just heap them in all sorts of mismatched granny throws and let them stay where they were. He misses those days, so this is making him more than a little wistful.

As he fixes the mistakes he made, he notes that beside him rather quickly, Hotch loses his battle with sleep entirely. He's still sitting up but his head is lolling to the side, slowly drifting closer and closer until it's resting heavy against Derek's shoulder. He doesn't flinch when the connection is made, and he doesn't wake. Slowly, so as not to disturb him, Derek closes the file and slides it to the couch beside him before leaning back into the cushions and letting himself succumb.

It's way past his bed time, and besides, isn't he the boss now? It's quitting time.

JJ happens upon them during her morning rounds. She's no stranger to this sight, except it's been a long time and she almost can't believe it. Unfortunately, something that should feel a little nostalgic fills her with a little dread because she can't think of any good reason for them having slept in Hotch's office. Not since Foyet.

“...time is it?”

She drops the files off on his desk, grabs what he's got in his outbox, and whispers that they've got plenty of time before anyone else will be in. “You guys should go get some breakfast...maybe shower...”

“My place isn't far away.” Derek's eyes aren't even open yet, his arms are folded over his chest

“I didn't mean shower together...”

Penelope, who shouldn't be at work yet but has somehow found her way into the mix, chimes in with a grin. “If we're talking about doubling up on showers, dibs on Hot Chocolate...no offense, sir.”

Hotch flushes and stands up. His ribs ache and his head swims. He needs a few more hours of sleep, and some food. And water, his mouth is parched. “I think I'll head home. Call if you need me. I'll be back in time for the morning briefing.”

“Yeah...heading home sounds nice. I'll uh...” Derek pauses, finally opening his eyes and glancing at Hotch, really taking in how tired he looks. “You know what? Make it lunch time. I'll be back by lunch.”

They leave the office together without any fuss, just grab their jackets and leave. Hotch can't remember the last time he left without his briefcase and a go-bag in his hand, but he's just too tired to care. And he isn't the boss anymore. He's allowed to leave his work at work for a while.

Hotch is so exhausted that he just follows Derek to his car like a lost puppy. “You wanna just come to my place? It's closer. I've got a guest bed, you can get a few extra hours of shut eye in there. I'll even let Clooney pop in and I'll turn a blind eye if you want him on the bed if you ask nice.”

Hotch considers his apartment, how cold it is, how he sees Foyet in the shadows, and for once he gives in. Derek's home is warm and inviting, and Clooney always makes him feel safe.

“That would be nice.” He hasn't been to Derek's house in years, hasn't seen Clooney in forever.

Derek grins. “Just like old times, huh?”

A sleepy and content smile drifts over his features as he slides into the passenger seat of Derek's car. “Just like old times.”

[gingerbravecookie]

it sure has been a year: cursor's kind of retrospective (or resume idk) on 2022

happy new years everybody,, or new years eve depending on where you live at the time of reading this

I'll go straight to the point 2022 has been one of the most mixed bag of a year I've had since i have the memory

The start of the year was kinda cool honestly,, the weather in my country was great and i was starting to get new interests,, of course also expecting you know what games near the end of it,, going back to normal class was weird and tiring but i got to make new friends and recconect with old ones i hadn't talked to since the start of the pandemic,, i got to see the coolest fucking movie at the start of april and i loved it,, i had also met kit and joined pocket home and i met good people in there shout out to everyone,, the start of the year seemed pretty good

and then things started going downhill

for starters right at my birthday i started feeling kinda weird,, specially my nose felt funny,, the next day at school i was barely on my feet,, with my entire respiratory system in shambles,, with an awful fatigue and trembling every single moment,, i wanted to go to the nurse's office but i persisted due to having to show a cosplay i worked hard on that same day

long story short the next day arrived and i got positive for covid,, i spent two weeks at home

it didn't help that i missed multiple tests due to quarantine and had to do 5 the same day,, my stress level was on the god damn clouds

in that next month i caught colds and stuff way more easily but hey,, it was june!!! pride month!!! Gay month!!!! also i had finally decided to get into artfight and was ready to make refs for my oc's

Also i had made my very own server and got to meet cool people!!! shout out to kino,, harp and jaz

and then right before winter break started and got time to work on them and the event itself my knee snapped off

yes it did hurt like hell,, i went to the hospital and luckily i didn't need surgery but it was still awful,, i got out of the thing at 3 am and i couldn't even move

I spent the first few days of july on bed,, when i finally was able to barely walk again i got to do a few art fight attacks but then my family from the capital arrived and i couldn't access my laptop for two weeks,, i was pretty bummed out i barely got to do attacks AND that i had to be almost every single day to the doctor in order to heal my leg

also i joined ballcord and then maincord as my cookie run interest started coming back to me

anyways september came along and of course it was independence day for chile,, cool date tbh,, and i decided one of the most drastic meassures i took on my irl image,, i cut my hair

"what's the great deal with that" thing is i've had my hair pretty long and i didn't like cutting it at all,, but as i grew i pretty much realized i was growing out of it and it also became more tiring after it getting tangled everywhere,, best desicion of my life tbh it felt great

I got the funni squid game 3 as well

well i also continued getting sick as a downside of things,, which was weird as fuck since years prior i only got sick at least once a year

my school situation became worse every day,, my grades started lowering and to top that. i started getting bullied. again

i had been on that school since 10 fucking years and they still fucking bullied me,, none of the teachers did shit about it

my mom got an interview at school where they took account of my anger issues and fucking guess what happened there

after years and years of asking i finally got therapy

proper therapy as i had a meeting with one of them before and he just said i was a spoiled child lmao

so news!! I'm pretty much part of the autistic spectrum,, with very minor traits according to my therapist but yeah pretty much that

she's a cool person,, she really helps me and i mean that in a genuine way

my family. well,, they're trying,, our relationship has gone two sides and sometimes made me feel kinda shitty tbh,, anyways back to topic

even if my teacher knew about the bullying it still got worse and worse from heavy verbal abuse to almost physical attacks

the school said they would talk to the bullies and me to get to an agreement and then. never talked to me again

it would all come to a close in early november,, after i snapped in front of the whole class about it

i had a massive panic attack

i had to ask my mom to come get me early and i had to talk to the teachers where it turns out. they talked to the bitches but never to me.

if i had known that then i could have told them so they would actually stop

and then they started twisting the blame onto me for staying quiet when they didn't fucking tell me shit to start

anyways,, my mom decided i wouldn't go to that school again,, i have been home ever since,, we are hoping another school accepts me in the meantime

As of social media well. i have gotten into a few projects i want to really get through,, i still need to do owed art and i apologize for making it so late. i really really do

my first comic project,, a game (RPG maker Is a bitch sometimes btw) and of course my askblogs and au's,, I'll try to get them fully moving in 2023,, i really want for everyone to see what i have to tell storywise

also i hope i stop getting sicker lmao

i guess this Is going nowhere tbh,, kind of a long resume of the shit that happened to me this year and an excuse for why i barely post decent art and ideas here nowdays (sorry),, but hey at least i met cool people

thanks for sticking around Is pretty much what i have to say

2022 has been kind of a bitch,, here's to hoping 2023 Is at least a little bit better

happy new years everyone,, happy to still be here

-cursor

[fwimmey]

I remember in 2015, my dad was going back to college, my mom was working in hospice care, and I was struggling to want to live. My dad told me "things aren't looking good, and they're going to get worse for a little while, but if we buckle down we can get through this. And things will be better on the other side.." Now I look around me, at the world we live in. At the futures that might await me. I have to ask.

When?

When does it fucking get better, cause imma be honest here. I don't know how much more of this I can take! Everyone I've ever cared about either dies before me or I forget them. I've lived through a global pandemic, and two fucking catastrophic recessions. America has a king now! It hasn't rained in two months. Each year is the hottest on record. And every minute of every day countless people are killed for slights their ancestors committed against someone else's ancestors.

My bones hurt, my skin crawls, and I feel an itch inside my skull I can't get at to scratch. I see people that aren't actually there, hear screaming matches I suffered 8 years ago replayed in my head while I'm trying to sleep. Took me till last year to figure out how to cry again. Still trying to figure out how not to hide my emotions in the presence of other humans. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

And the worst part is there's not a damn thing I can do about any of it. Can't change the world, people with far more time and resources than me really like the way things are going. Done fixed all the problems within me I could get my claws around, everything else i need a doctor for. Sure as hell can't afford that, besides last time I went I paid for their pills with my memories. All I got out of it was the inability to dream, and chronic fatigue I'm still dealing with today.

I never stood a fucking chance. Don't even know why I'm writing this down, guess this is the closest I'll ever be able to stomach to therapy again.

Things have to get better or I'm not going to make it. I ain't suicidal, I have little desire to die. But the only reason I've made it this far is pure spite and stubbornness. Its a potent fuel, it burns hot and true. You'll encounter scenarios you thought would break you, but it will keep you standing, will push you through whatever horrors await you till you come out the other side. But it does so at the cost of your well being. It's a potent fuel, it's flame burns hotter than any other motivator you can have. Our bodies aren't made to handle it though, eventually you'll burn yourself out. That flame within you will eventually run out of fuel, and it will start consuming you. I can see the cracks starting to form. One of these days I'm going to collapse under my own weight, and I'll have done enough damage to myself, trying to survive, that I'll be unable to get back up.

I have to find something else to motivate me. A fuel that adds to me, instead of slowly eating me from the inside out. But where the hell do you start, I've already lost more than I ever truly had. I'm too scared that anything I love will just be taken from me again to allow myself to grow attached.

Anyway, that's my emotions quota for the moth. Back to pretending I'm fine for other peoples comfort i guess.

[zakubabbles]

Yesterday, after SiLs and their children left, and aunt and M/FiL went to sleep, husband and I were downstairs in the kitchen complaining about them. XD

It's just... there's too many people here every day. Husband doesn't like it because that means that they're eating the little food we have. And sometimes it's the food husband and I buy for ourselves which costs us dearly because we don't really have money (or jobs) at the moment. Also, so much noise. And movement. And dirt and trash! The floors were so dirty last night! I swept up so much dust, crumbs, and large food bits. Kitchen table was also filthy with crumbs. Like, at least try not to be messy?

And dish-rag-aunt does not do a good job at cleaning dishes. None of husband's aunts do. I don't know if they're all just bad at it or if it's because they're old now and can't see well. I ended up rewashing most of them. Also, why. WHY use a rag to wash dishes?! Sponges are good. They do a very good job because that's what they're designed to do! Just use the damned sponge. And don't let it sit in the bottom of the dirty sink like SiLs or in dirty standing water like the other aunts ffs.

Another thing that absolutely confused me. Three hand towels. Why do we need three hand towels out and hanging on the rack? One hand towel is more than enough. I wash and replace the hand towel every week. Why? Why the three? Like two is too many, and three is just overkill. Why are we dirtying three hand towels in one week?!

While I was cleaning, husband poked at me and asked, "What? are you the maid now? Haha!"

"Yeah. I guess I am."

He stayed silent after that. No one else cleans here besides me. Husband does clean the dishes, spot sweeps, and washes our laundry, but everything else falls on me. And it's frustrating! Especially with FiL being sooooo messy and dirty (a problem that has persisted for as long as husband remembers) and having multiple groups of people over every damned day.

I'm tired.

Speaking of tired, I don't think husband's sisters should be here every single day. Every other day maybe? I don't know. I just... maybe it's because I'm chronically ill and fatigued so I have a different perspective, but they need to let MiL rest. Them being constantly present is, I think, exhausting. She needs to try to stay awake and conscious for them if they're here. Or, hey, maybe I'm wrong and she loves the company and it actually makes her feel better.

I am, after all, an anti-social introvert.

Anyway.

[baliwashere77]

161.6! I am just over a pound away from my third goal weight!!!

I haven't done a pro-con list in a minute, so I'm going to make a new one.

(WARNING: It is going to be explicit, in both categories. Mentions of sex and bowel movements, if these things bother you PLEASE DO NOT READ FARTHER).

Pros:

Jeans that didn't fit/gave me a really noticeable muffin top now are starting to get loose on me. It's really flattering.

I've been able to pull old shirts I haven't worn in almost two years out. Just last night my SO mentioned how well one I was brave enough to put on again looked.

While it can be scary wearing clothes I knew wouldn't fit, the new confidence to try!

My arms, legs, and stomach, are getting thinner. My breasts are too but this is a pro for me. I have always hated big boobs on myself.

People ARE noticing now. I'm down just under 24 pounds! I've just blamed my job (training people is a really labor intensive thing in my field).

The few times I've ordered junk food, I don't feel like people are judging me as harshly anymore, including the service workers.

Sex is a lot more fun with my SO. They're able to pick me up, I feel more flexible and we can move more easily. They really noticed the changes here.

People are starting to look at me with attraction. I'm not interested as I'm with someone who I love dearly (I'm married) but I can't say getting flattering looks isn't nice.

Cons:

Pooping. Jesus. Christ. It's either constipation or straight diarrhea. Frankly I'm not sure which one is worse, and if you do get through the constipation it's literally like rabbit shit. At least I'm not afraid of clogging toliets anymore.

I struggle to eat more sometimes. I'm a type one diabetic so there are times I need to eat more for safety reasons and my stomach feels like it'll rip apart. I can't eat a lot at dinners or I get too full. I know this is usually seen as a good thing but it can dangerous for me.

People are getting really really concerned. Many people are now trying to force me to eat. I was sitting at work and around three people watched me eat soup. I was very self conscious. I'm not even joking, literally three co-workers watched me eat a whole cup of soup until I finishes. 🙃

No matter how proud I am of the weight I've lost (I'm literally at my lowest weight, right now), it's a short lived victory before obsessing again about losing. I remember how pround I was to get to 172. Now I'm impatient to get into the 150s.

I'm chronically aware of the negative effects. I'm not ignoring it. I am hurting myself and I do actually care. I have simply accepted the situation and I don't plan on recovering yet. The change in my digestive issues alone have made me worried.

The ugly truth is that I'm really tired of looking for the lowest calories items ane snacks. I'm tired of working out just to make sure I'm not over my calorie limits. I'm tired of not eating because I love food, cooking my favorite recipes, and have given up so many comfort foods to fit this life. The ugly truth is that I'm going to keep going because I honestly believe I'll be happier when I finally get small enough. The numbers going down are worth it to me. It's an ugly thought though.

The god damn chronic fatigue. Most mornings I feel fuzzy in my head, and really weak.

[mashup-writing]

If only you were here; Hwang Yeji (ITZY)

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Summary: Yeji was the leader, she couldn't afford to be seen being anything less than perfect for the role. No crying, being sad, or feeling any kind of negativity. But she's only human, and being human means letting your emotions run through you.

Requested? ���

"Miles away from seeing you."

--------------------٩(◕‿◕｡)۶--------------------

She was exhausted. Today's schedule was nothing but hectic, from interviews to filming for music videos. All Yeji had wanted to do was be with her girlfriend, to have her take away the stress, to run her fingers through her hair, to hold her like doing so was the only thing keeping her together. But with Y/N visiting her hometown? The best she could do was a facetime.

She loved her job, her members, and their MIDZYs. She really does. But sometimes the high life takes more from you than it gives. Lately her girls have been facing prejudiced hate from a bunch of ruthless people online. Lia was being branded as "Lazy" and it made the leader's blood boil, among all five of them Lia was the one who spends the most time in the practice room, especially when she has trouble with some of the choreography. She remembers a memory of theirs that included Lia almost passing out of exhaustion in the practice room, Yeji herself wasn't enough to pull the pale and sluggish girl out of there. If Yuna's maturity and hidden stern-ness hadn't reared their heads then she has no doubt that Lia would've ended up in a hospital bed.

Chaeryeong is under fire for "Being Ugly" and all Yeji could do was scoff at the stupidity of the false accusation. Despite Yeji being Y/N's girlfriend, Chaeryeong was the latter's bias. This information had her shocked, Chaeryeong smug, and worst of all: It gave Ryujin a field day. Which resulted in getting the other three members in on teasing her. "Anyone who catches Y/N's eye is fucking beautiful" she mutters to herself. Not to toot her own horn but Y/N has an eye not only for gorgeous looking people, most times those she ends up liking are great people with great personalities. Your ex, Ahn Hyejin of Mamamoo is a damn great example of that.

Another one of her members under fire is Yuna, the baby of their new little family. Knets had a field day when it was found out that the Maknae wasn't originally planned to become a part of ITZY. Jumping on the chance to poke at the youngest's insecurity, thry took to saying that she wasn't good enough to be with them, much less have debuted at all. That's bullshit, and she won't leave room for argument. Yuna is the glue that holds them together, the friend that they can't imagine not having even when they've been a group for less than a year. She stands up to Yeji without being disrespectful when the leader is being too strict or controlling. She pulls Lia out of her workaholic state whenever it starts to become detrimental instead of beneficial. She is the one carrying Ryujin's ass whenever the latter thinks her dad jokes are funny. She's the one to calm Chaeryeong down backstage whenever the latter is feeling nervous, anxious or on the verge of a breakdown.

Ryujin's a reliable friend through and through, but if the fate of the world was decided by the rapper's ability to tell a funny joke? Yeji bets that they all would've died ages ago, she's better at joking around with actions than she is with words. Which leads to some people labeling some of Ryujin's actions as "Bullying". Yeji admits to herself that, yes. To the untrained eye it does seem as if Ryujin's the type, she has the face of a villain when she wants to look intimidating after all. But the rapper is also the softest person she has ever known in her life, testified by the one time they had a pillow fight in the dorm. In the heat of the moment, Ryujin's slipper got thrown and it knocked a Lizard dead off their wall. The pillow fight abruptly ended with four members trying to make her feel less guilty over the critter's untimely death.

Lia interjected that had the moment been captured on camera, some MIDZYs would be making a meme of how they'd like to be that "Lucky" lizard. Ryujin cried harder, because the lizard was not at all "Lucky" in her opinion.

--------------------------------------------------

Yeji was so lost in her own thoughts and so fatigued that she didn't even realize that she had finished changing from her performance outfit to the clothes she wore before clocking in for work. It was only when she had closed the door to her dorm room did she realize how tired she actually was. She was thankful she had been given her own room instead of bunking with someone else again, she's not too sure she could make it up in a bunk bed if she was still roommates with someone.

She crashes onto the bed and pulls out her phone. Most days she would get some shut eye and just facetime her girlfriend in the morning, but at the moment she thinks she'll end up in a mental ward if she goes another second without hearing her Y/N speak. So despite the fact that she can't feel her legs anymore and that her eyelids are growing heavier by the second, she calls.

Ring

Ring

Ring

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Ring

Ring

Ring

You're pulled from the coziest and most comfortable sleep you've fallen into for the night by a constant ringing. You rub your eyes and turn towards your nightstand where your phone is located. "Who in their right fucking mind would be calling at this hour?" You grab your phone and the caller photo snaps you out of your mood before you even see the caller's name.

You hurriedly turn on your lamp on the nightstand and then proceeded to hit answer. "YEJ- whoa, not that I'm unhappy to see you but you look like you should be asleep instead. You look tired as hell Yej. Did you eat yet? How about water? Please stay away from dehydration and be sure to drink regularly." Yeji smiles at you, with her eyes drooping every now and then. "Yeah, I should be asleep but I just missed you so much I couldn't sleep without seeing you first."

You sit up and lean against the head board instead of laying down, your worry increasing tenfold. "What's wrong?" Yeji knows how to prioritize her health first and she never calls you half asleep because she had always claimed that you deserved nothing less than her full attention. She never calls you half asleep unless she's alarmingly close to losing her composure. Her eyes widen as soon as the question leaves your mouth, and a sniffle makes its way through the line. She burried her face in her arm and struggles with wanting to tell you and wanting to fake being strong with you.

You sense the dilemma within your girl and you refuse to let her carry this alone. "Hey, I'd never force you to spill. But I am always gonna be here to listen to your troubles. I already know how strong you are, you've got nothing more to prove. Let it out and I'll be here to support you." Yeji's resolve crumbles and she cries as she tells you everything that's been weighing her down today. She cries because of the unfairness of it all, she cries about how she can't protect her girls, she cries about how she wants nothing more than to wrap them up in a hug and not let go until they're all better but the girls just like their leader want to seem strong and untouchable for each other.

Yeji cries about how she wishes she was with you instead of working, she cries about how guilty she feels for sometimes wishing that they never had to go through the unfairness that the idol life had to offer, she cries about how she feels like she's disappointing the MIDZYs for feeling as she feels. She cries because it's just the start of their journey and she's already so tired. She cries because it's the only way she knows how to get rid of the stress, even if it's just a temporary solution.

What hurts you the most is that she doesn't look at you as she says this. You're a MIDZY after being Yeji's girlfriend and it you don't miss the way she chokes up even more when she said she feels like she's disappointing the fandom. You let your girlfriend let it all out before taking a moment to pull yourself together, and then you speak.

"I can't and I won't tell you that I understand how you feel as an Idol because I'm not one. But as a MIDZY, I can and I will tell you that you were born to be the leader of ITZY, no one else could step up to that role as well as you do even if they tried. Tell the girls I told you to let the haters run their mouths, because we MIDZYs know that each and every one of you brings something special to the table. ITZY isn't ITZY if it doesn't have Hwang Yeji, Choi Jisu, Shin Ryujin, Lee Chaeryeong and Shin Yuna as the members. You girls are a fucking unit and you are all strong enough to knock those bitches speechless."

You stare at Yeji the whole time and notice that although her body has stopped shaking, her tears are still making their way down her cheeks. You take in every detail of her face and wish with everything within you that you were there with her to wipe her tears and hold her close. In your opinion, words aren't enough but you suppose due to the distance between you two that you've gotta work with what you have at the moment. Right now all you have are feelings and words.

"Now as your girlfriend." Yeji's head adjusts enough that you could see half of her face, but the other half still remains buried in her arm. "I'm telling you that you can never disappoint me." She chuckles in humor before turning her gaze away from her phone. "You don't know that, I'm not perfect-"

"I never said you were."

Silence sits between the two of you. Not once in your whole relationship had you intentionally interrupted Yeji when she was speaking, you strongly believed that everyone deserved a chance to speak their piece. But that had exceptions. Such as now. "I never said you were perfect, because you're not. You're human and you have your flaws but believe me when I say that you could never disappoint me, despite the fact that humans weren't designed to be perfect you still work on yourself everyday trying to polish all the rough edges, trying to better yourself not for anyone or anything but yourself because you really want to be better than you were in the past. How could I be disappointed in someone as noble as that?"

You notice that she's now actively fighting to keep her eyes open and you smile. "You okay for now?" She nods and you continue. "Then go to sleep, God knows you both need and deserve a good night's rest. I'll call you back tomorrow when you wake up, so you can tell me about everything else your sleep addled brain forgot to tell me tonight."

Yeji uncovers the other half of her face and eyes stare at her screen that shows your face, now more than ever she wishes she was there with you, to thank you and hold you for everything you've said and for the way you've calmed her down. She promises herself that once you meet back up in person, she'll make it up to you. But for now words will have to do.

"Thank you Y/N. I love you."

Your smile grows wider and Yeji swears she's ready to make a fool out of herself just to ensure that that smile never fades away from your face. You take your a moment to memorize the candid details of Yeji's face before replying. "I love you too Yeji. Good night." Both of you wave goodbye and as heavy of an action it was, you take the initiative to end the call because you know that if you left it up to your girlfriend she would never hit that End Call button.

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Yeji places her phone on the nightstand by her bed.

Y/N lies back down properly on the bed.

The two stare straight ahead of them, eyes unfocused.

They take a deep breath before closing their eyes, ignoring the need that courses through their hearts.

"I'll be with her soon enough."

--------------------٩(◕‿◕｡)۶--------------------

A/N: I think this is the longest fic I've written on this app? Why the hell is there too little ITZY content on this app? it feels like drought istg 😭😭

[sleepysnk]

hello guys! this wasn't a request, but it is a small gift for @kwnblack ! i decided to make a third and final part for the two previous Zeke scenarios i wrote! i hope you enjoy :).

Zeke x Fem!Reader: I Promise

Warnings: slight manga spoilers and slight angst

Part 1 Part 2

It had been about a month or so since Zeke had his last encounter with (Y/N). After that night, he left the island, and (Y/N) had no idea. She woke up the next morning, and notice he was gone. It confused her that day. Where the hell did he go?

She spent that whole day after searching for him. She went around Marley, but she never found him.

As the weeks went on, (Y/N) began to not feel like herself. She felt sick all the time, and she was very tired. She always blamed it on stress, but a few of her friends were concerned with her behavior. They didn't like the way she was acting. (Y/N) never looked good either.

After some arguments with friends, she decided to just finally go see the doctor. She explained to the doctor about her symptoms, he was concerned with how sick she was, and how she was fatigued most of the time.

"I'm going to run a few tests (Y/N), we should figure out what's going on" he said.

(Y/N) had multiple tests run on her, and what the doctor told her was shocking.

"Congratulations! Your expecting a baby"

Those words made her whole world stop.

She was pregnant? She never imagined in her entire life she would get pregnant, even with how young she was. (Y/N) knew who the dad was, it was Zeke for sure. She was the only man she was intimate with, but where was he?

The doctor explained her options. He explained that if she wanted to terminate it he could, but she insisted that she wanted to keep the baby. (Y/N) didn't want to let the opportunity slide, so she decided to keep it.

Her friends were extremely supportive of her and the baby. Thing was, they weren't exactly happy with who the dad was. They all shamed Zeke for leaving, in a way, her friends made it seem like Zeke only wanted to have sex with her. Nothing more than a one-night stand.

This made (Y/N) extremely emotional.

Many questions ran through her head during that month. Did Zeke only want her for one thing and one thing only? Did he lie about how he felt about her? So many questions with little answers.

Zeke on the other hand, had no idea she was pregnant. The time that they met fell at an unfortunate time, he had to head back to Paradis to obtain Eren. (Y/N) had no idea about these plans, and it sort of slipped Zeke's mind. His intention was to never leave her like that, he didn't have a choice.

She had some support from her best friend Mia (random name). Mia helped a lot with anything that she needed, and (Y/N) was extremely grateful for her. Without Mia, (Y/N) probably would have been so lonely.

"Imagine if it's a girl (Y/N)! A little you running around" Mia said.

Mia had been more excited than (Y/N) was for this baby. She dreamt about her best friend having a baby, and becoming an aunt or a God-parent.

As much as (Y/N) was excited, she couldn't help but feel those dark thoughts sometimes. She always thinks about Zeke, and she feels so much sadness run through her whenever she does.

"Are you thinking about him again?" Mia asked and looked at her.

(Y/N) nodded. "No! I'm fine, I just feel really moody right now. This pregnancy has made my hormones go all over the place" she replied and tried to seem convincing.

Mia had to deal with so much when it came to her best friend being pregnant. The mood swings, cravings, constantly peeing, and constant sleep. (Y/N) was thankful though, without Mia, she would have been stressed out to the max.

"I'll rip his damn head off (Y/N). You know I'm capable of that" she said and looked at her friend.

(Y/N) chuckled. "You won't need to do that. I think I want to nap being honest, so you can go if you'd like" she said and smiled.

Mia stood up. "Alright, well you know where I'm at if you need me" she said and made her way towards the door.

She watched as Mia exited. (Y/N) felt a sad wave hit her all at once, the emotions she felt were the usual. She felt tears fall down her cheeks as she thought about Zeke again. Was she really just a one-night stand to him? A woman who he got in bed just for one night?

(Y/N) went to her bed and began to sob. Her emotions running wild, and coming out once again. She's had countless days where she'd cry about it, who could blame her? The woman was pregnant and all she had was her friends.

All she had was the memory of him.

As the weeks went on, she began to feel a bit better. She actually put on a genuine smile, and she wasn't faking it. Her friends told her to not stress, it wasn't good for the baby. She had to take that in. (Y/N) was feeling better about herself, she went out with Mia and looked at different baby items that would be needed.

She had gotten a few items. (Y/N) was quite prepared for her baby, and she was very careful. Even being only about 2 or 3 months along.

But she was in for quite the situation.

(Y/N) stood looking outside her window. It was a warm and sunny day, she missed the summer breeze. It always reminded her of how beautiful the world was. She noticed some people beginning to run in the same direction.

"They're back!"

"Do you think they got him?"

(Y/N) was confused as to who was being talked about. She began to follow the people, and she noticed a pretty large crowd formed.

She noticed Mia was there. "What's going on?" (Y/N) asked.

She looked back at her. "I'm not sure... I'm just as curious as you are" Mia replied.

That's when she felt time stop.

Zeke was standing there with Reiner badly wounded. What the hell happened? As much as she wanted to run up to him, she knew she couldn't. Reiner and Zeke looked horrible.

"Where is Eren!?"

"Yeah! You promised to bring back the founding titan!"

Zeke just stood there quiet. The mission was a failure. Bertholdt was dead, and Paradis now had his power.

His eyes scanned the area as he noticed a familiar (h/c) haired girl standing there. (Y/N). Zeke noticed how upset she looked, he wasn't sure why, but he wanted to know.

"Let's go (Y/N)" Mia said and grabbed her arm.

She lead her away from the crowd. "Mia, what the hell happened? Who is Eren? What do they want with him?" she asked.

Mia sighed. "Couldn't tell you, all I heard was that they went with each other" she replied. "I guess we know where Zeke went after all this time..." she added.

(Y/N) looked down and stood by her friend. She didn't want to face him right now, it would be too much for her.

Zeke had been taken to the infirmary along with Reiner. Both were injured and needed to be checked on.

"Your injuries are minor, but it'll take you awhile to heal.." the nurse said and looked at Zeke.

He nodded. "May I request a visitor?" he asked.

The nurse furrowed her brows. "Are you sure about that? I can get someone to do that" she asked.

Zeke ran a hand through his hair. "Yes I'm sure, please get me (Y/N) (L/N) please" he replied.

She nodded. "Very well, I'll be right back" she said and exited the room.

Zeke waited as his heart began to race, he wanted to explain everything to her about the mission. She never knew about it, he didn't want her to worry that day, so he kept what he was doing out of it.

"Zeke?" The nurse said and entered the room.

He looked up and noticed she wasn't with the nurse. "Where is she?" he asked.

She sighed. "I'm not sure why but (Y/N) refused to see you. I can't force her, I'm sorry" she replied.

What the hell was up with her? She was avoiding him now? He knew leaving her so fast was kind of not a good idea. Zeke needed to talk to her as soon as possible.

Three days had gone by, and he hadn't seen (Y/N) around Marley. She had been a ghost. He wasn't sure where she could be, but he wanted to know.

(Y/N) did her best to avoid him. She did her shopping at odd hours, or she would make Mia do things for her. Mia completely understood, but she didn't want her to run away forever.

Mia sat in a bar by herself. She wanted (Y/N) to come for some company, but she was having morning sickness, so that was a huge no.

She noticed Pieck enter the bar. She had her crutch with her, since she spent so much time in her titan form, she forgot how to actually walk like a human.

"You look like you've seen better days" Pieck said and sat next to her.

Mia looked over. "Same to you" she replied and took a sip of her drink.

Pieck never knew Mia well. "Well.. when your mission becomes a total failure, you feel like shit so" she said and shrugged.

Mia laughed a little. "Hm... it can't be as bad as your best friend being a pregnant hormonal mess" she said.

The dark haired girl nodded. "Ah pregnancy huh? Why bring a child into this world" she said and leaned against the table.

"Not sure but it happened, (Y/N) deserves better though" Mia said and shrugged.

Pieck stopped. (Y/N)? She had heard Zeke talking about her during the mission, and pretty recently. Was that the girl he was trying to speak to? She heard his constant rant about this woman ignoring him.

"Excuse me.. I need to leave" Pieck said and began to make her way to find Zeke.

Mia found it odd how quickly the girl left. She shrugged and kept drinking. Pieck rushed as quickly as she could to find him.

"Zeke!" she yelled as she saw him talking with Reiner.

He furrowed his brows noticing her quick pace. "Something wrong Pieck?" he asked.

She looked at him. "Do you know (Y/N)?" she asked.

Zeke looked at Reiner and back at Pieck. "Yes... why?" he asked.

She nodded. "Did you know she was pregnant?" she asked.

His mind totally stopped when those words came out of Pieck. She was pregnant!? Maybe that's why she was avoiding him.

"I had no idea... excuse me, I need to go" Zeke said and began to make his way to her house.

(Y/N) sat in her home exhausted. Her morning sickness was horrible, so she spent most of the day in her bed and napping. She heard a knock at her front door. She assumed that it was Mia.

"Mia I-" she opened the door and saw Zeke standing there.

She stood there for a moment in shock. "(Y/N)... can we talk please?" he asked.

She sighed. "Come in.." she replied and moved so he could come in.

Zeke entered her home and watched as she shut the door. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

She furrowed her brows. "About what? What is there to talk about!?" she asked.

He rolled his eyes. "That you're pregnant!? What else?!" he replied.

Silence flooded the room between the two. "So you do know.." she said and sat down on her couch.

"I don't understand why you never told me. I've been here for days" he said.

She felt anger rushing through her. "Tell you? Why would I? You left me that day. You left me after we had SEX Zeke! You know how that made me feel? You made me feel like I was a one-night stand. I never knew you were going to leave like that" she yelled.

Zeke looked at her. "I'm sorry (Y/N). I should have told you that I had to go, I didn't want to worry you. Everything was at the wrong time" he replied.

She crossed her arms and shook her head. "You worried me 10x more when you left me that day, again" she said.

He felt horrible in the moment. "I know... I wanted to tell you" he said.

(Y/N) ran a hand down to her belly which was slowly getting bigger. "So why are you here?" she asked.

He looked up confused. "What? That's a stupid question. I'm here because I know I got you pregnant, who the fuck do you think I am (Y/N)? Some guy who bangs a girl, gets them pregnant, and then leaves? I care about you that's why I'm here. I want to be here for OUR child. If I didn't give a shit, I wouldn't have bothered showing up here" he replied.

She fell silent as he spoke, she didn't know what to say. "I'm about 3 months.." she said and looked down.

Zeke nodded and stood up. "I'm sorry for leaving you that day. Please forgive me" he said and held her hand.

She bit her lip and looked around. "I can forgive you Zeke, but how do I know you're gonna leave again?" she asked.

"I'll be more honest with you. This mission came fast and there wasn't much I could do to stop it" he replied.

(Y/N) nodded. "I see..." she said and looked at him.

He ran his hand down to her belly. "May I?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Yes" she replied and lifted her shirt a bit.

Zeke looked at how big her belly had gotten, it wasn't huge, but it was noticeable that she was bigger. He lied his head on her belly, and pulled her hips closer to him. The sight alone made her heart flutter. She ran her fingers through his hair.

"I can't wait to meet them, I don't have much time left" he said and looked down.

She nodded. "What do you mean?" she asked and furrowed her brows.

Zeke felt a bit emotional in the moment. "Curse of Ymir remember? I don't have much time left (Y/N).. I want to make it worth it for you and them" he said and stood up.

She noticed the tears in his eyes. "Zeke.. don't worry. I'll make sure it's worth it for you and the baby" she said and smiled a bit.

He wiped his eyes a bit. "I'd love that (Y/N), I promise I won't leave you ever again" he replied and hugged her.

She put her head on his chest. "Promise?" she asked.

He smiled. "I promise" he replied.

[boncorner]

HUMAN HERMES ADHD HEADCANONS

TYPE :

Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD

DIAGNOSIS :

Has been diagnosed since early age, for all his father's flaws, he could tell this was one hyperactive child.

MEDICATION :

Has tried many different medications but decided on methylphenidate in the end, since the immediate effect worked best for his lifestyle.

THERAPY :

Has received therapy throughout his life and still sees a psychologist who specialises in the condition every now and then, but he often cancels on them since he feels like he's got no need for it anymore.

FIXATIONS :

Has more past interests than Aphrodite had lovers. Here's a list of things he's fallen in love with at some point then just kinda continued on enjoying but never really mastered because he found something new :

Biking | Gymnastics | Swimming | Dirt-Biking | Skateboarding | Rollerskating | Parkour | Streetdancing | Breakdancing | Cars | Motorcycles | Comics (specifically comic strips) | Quick live sketching

And a short list of things he never gets tired of ever because they're his eternal fixations :

Running | Animal care | Horseback Riding | Astrology | Gambling (more on that later)

STIMMING :

√ Body

Can't sit still, always on the go, drumming his fingers or hands against a surface or humming to a tune that isn't playing anywhere. He'll also occasionally make his own sound effects, like shwoop, clang, bang, pa-chah!

Mainly stims using his feet; tapping, kicking, switching weight from one foot to the other, jumping, rocking back and forth. He'll also play with his piercings, like the smiley right below his lip, or softly spinning his nose piercing while he's thinking.

√ Jewellery

Has jewellery that's subtly designed to work as stim-toys, like dangling earrings or chains with parts which you can spin or flick. At first he thought it a little overkill, but it really does help him focus on what he's doing when he's making a trade or studying somebody's pokerface.

√ Wings

If your human Hermes has wings a la reincarnation or some other fun flavour, he could also ruffle the feathers or stretch them subconsciously every now and again.

PROCESSING :

√ Thoughts

His mind runs faster than most people's do, and he can get frustrated when others aren't understanding what he's talking about, when he's really jumped ahead of the conversation by like 4 steps and the other doesn't even know what happened at step 2 or 3, or what topic they're on. It can almost feel like time travelling sometimes! Where most of what actually happened is still stuck in Hermes' head, and you just can't get him to share it because how do you not Know This already??

He's also prone to getting distracted mid-conversation and interrupt you with his own thoughts on something, or to throw something in that he Just thought about, which will later feed his RSD (see later)

√ Speech

If you speak too slowly or don't get to the point fast enough, you also risk causing him understimulation fatigue, and he'll get antsy and restless, or even bored and tired. More often than not he'll end up losing track of your conversation, start thinking about his own thing, then realise you're still talking and he has no idea what you're talking About and Oh No time to Bullshit his way outta this one!

That, or he's already started talking about something completely different out of nowhere like how water isn't actually wet or something.

The risk of speaking to him also of course comes with the risk of his brain just deciding to Not Process That Right Now, and he might have to act like he totally knew what you were saying but really it all sounded like complete gibberish.

Also sort of on the topic but needless to mention he speaks very quickly and will sometimes almost run the conversation all on his own, and occasionally stumbles on his words and has to let out a little Bluh while sticking out his tongue til he finds his words again.

✓ Sound

He's pretty good with sound and loves a good beat, and turning up the volume way high, but low repetitive noises are his enemy, and they will completely throw off his focus when he's trying to do something. The sound of a dog barking a bit away over and over every 3 minutes is driving him mad, and the soft ticking of a clock is throwing off his thoughts something insane. Talking in another room might make him unable to think clearly, and writing and listening at the same time is just Not happening.

√ Touch

He comes across as really inviting and friendly, but he doesn't like being touched unless it's on his conditions and his conditions alone. He can initiate hugs, but if you suddenly go for him without him being totally for it, he might panic like a bird being grabbed by a big hand. Just like with a bird, you need to show him what you're about to do next. He may seem hasty and wild, but he's really more delicate and alert.

Worth mentioning is also clothes, he loves loose fitting yet stylish outfits, and you can notice him fidget and twist when he's wearing things just a little too stiff or fancy.

√ Sight + Smells

He's fine with most lights and smells, save if he's overstimulated of course.

ADDICTION (TW: Drugs)

Addiction is a Problem when you have ADHD, especially when it turns out to be a way to self-medicate if you don't have the means to do so yourself. While he does have these means, he's slipped into gambling (slot machines, dice and cards are his favourites), mild drug use (pills mostly), smoking (with the help of Charon), as well as those damn energy drinks...

Auctions are also dangerous cough... And buying things you don't actually need. But the worst one is the rush of stealing. When he's feeling down or stresses about money, taking something valuable makes him feel more in control, giving him a rush and a spur of confidence. You'll sometimes find outfits in his wardrobe that just don't match his bank account...

RSD [Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria]

He may seem cool and aloof, but he overthinks everything you say about him. His family says he talks too much? Now he'll ask you if he should shut up, apologise for going on tangents, and stop himself in the middle of talking about something he loves because he caught himself talking "too much". You tell him one thing in the wrong tone of voice, and he'll laugh it off, then go home and spiral into the dark abyss of "I guess I'm an annoying piece of shit and they actually hate me haha". It also works against him that his impulsivity makes him blurt out things that he ends up regretting down the line.

[rpbetter]

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

[redspecialstardust]

Scandal - Oneshot (Freddie Mercury X Fem!Reader)

Requested by: @capan-devereaux

One month after the incident at the Rainbow Theater, you and now Freddie fall victim to bad press; there's gotta be a way to put these rumors to rest...

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: language, rumours, unwanted touching, attempted sexual assault (it doesn't go anywhere)

A/N: This fic is a sequel to Always Look After You; read it here. Can be read as OG Freddie or the BoRap version.

Freddie woke to himself facedown in the sheets of his king sized bed; the scent of the fresh bedding filled his nostrils, giving him sort of a gentle waking as he snuggled down into the mattress some more and forced his heavy eyes open to check the bedside clock which read 7:30 am. The time made him groan...for a party animal like himself, it was way too early for him to get up. The bed was warm, and so were the sunrise's rays on his back. You must have opened the curtains before he woke. but tired or not, he didn't want to sleep all day, knowing you two would barely get any alone time.

Choosing that there was no point sleeping in when he didn't have you next to him, the tired singer dragged his ass out of bed and threw on one of his many silk kimono robes. He let you know he was up by letting out a loud yawn on his way down the stairs. Just as he thought, you were sitting at the dining table with a newspaper one hand and a croissant in the other. Upon hearing your boyfriend's unsubtle yawn, you grabbed the coffee pot next to you and poured him a cup, preparing it just the way he liked it. Freddie entered the room still dazed from sleep but woke a bit more upon seeing you. Just like him, you were wearing a robe and had some pretty good bedhead going. The table had a couple of food trays with some eggs, croissants and fruit on them. He crossed the room and kissed the top of your head before sitting next to you.

"Good morning, Darling."

"Morning, Fred. How'd you sleep?"

"Like a drunken barfly, how about you?" He asked, placing some fruit on his plate.

"Eh. Same old same old." You responded. That could only mean that it wasn't very restful. Freddie always worried when you said that. This past month had been tough for you both, and the reason why was plastered all over the front page of the paper. Today's headline read: "Mercury & (L/N): Canoodling Cahoots?" Once again, the media was all over the Rainbow Theater incident and had been ever since that conference where your stalker had appeared at and made an enormous scene. To make things worse, Freddie was being dragged in on it too.

The same day of the conference, he released a photo of the injuries you received from trying to escape the perv's grip. It was a simple Polaroid taken an hour after the attack and displayed your arm with small, but deep scratches where you'd been grabbed. At first it seemed like you were in the clear, but as usual, people were looking for any way to create more gossip. Now all the papers were saying that you and Freddie staged the photo and he was just trying to cover for you since he was your boyfriend.

Oh yeah, and somehow news got out you two were dating. The stress seemed to be eating at you more than anyone a part of Queen. Over time Freddie noticed you were sleeping less and eating like a bird. Even with you being the first one up, he saw the fatigue on your complexion and ridiculously small amount of food on your plate; if you could even call it that...a croissant and a teacup of coffee? That wouldn't satisfy anybody.

"Dear, would you please put at least a couple of eggs on your plate? You're getting slimmer."

"What's wrong with slimming down?" You asked, not even looking up from the paper.

He was very frustrated lately. Sometimes he ended up saying things that were very insensitive.

"You know full well you don't need to lose weight. And for goodness' sake, why do you keep reading the papers? You know they aren't going to say anything nice. You're starting to look like a creature Edgar Allen Poe created!"

You threw the paper down on the table, frustrated that another fight about the headlines was starting up again. On and off for the past four weeks, you and Freddie were getting into heated arguments over what the hell you were supposed to do about the situation. You suggested moving a way for a bit, but Freddie said that would only be letting the gossip win.

"I know! I'm sorry! I just...I know they're saying bad things, but I can't ignore it. It's too much. Freddie, we were supposed to be happy together, not be harrassed by the paparazzi everytime we look at the TV or pick up the paper." By this point, your head fell into your hands and the small sharp pains of forming tears were hurting your eyes.

Oscar and Romeo were under the table the whole time and came to their mama's rescue upon hearing the sniffles. One purred around your ankle while the other gently pawed at your bare foot. Through the watery view of your eyes, you reached down and picked up Oscar, holding him firmly to your chest. The orange tabby purred in response. Freddie sighed; damn it, he went too far again didn't he? The frontman got up from his seat and stood you up, facing him with his gentle brown eyes locked onto yours.

"Come on." You snuggled into his side as his arm locked around your side and led you to the couch in the sitting room. Before even reaching the luxurious couch in front of the TV, you found him sweeping you up into his arms and carrying your frame bridal style. With the utmost care he placed you down on the sofa and sat down nearby, placing your head in his lap. Still sniffling, you looked up at him, muttering a thank you.

"Darling, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean those things, really I didn't. But I'm getting very worried about you. All the stress of these wrongful allegations are eating away at every level of health."

"I'm sorry too, Freddie." Breaking eye contact with him and staring ahead at the power off television screen across the room.

"For what?" He questioned, truly puzzled but his tone remaining calm.

"I've been so selfish. This whole time, I've done nothing but worry about what everyone's saying about me and I didn't stop to think about how hard this had been for you and the band or their families. I mean, maybe I am a selfish bitch like the papers are saying..."

There was a frightening silence between you for like ten seconds. At first it seemed like he silently agreed with you, but without warning, he quickly sat you up, making you gasp a bit and then pulled you onto his lap in a sitting position. The movement had been so swift, you were looking into his eyes for 3 seconds before it clicked what happened.

"Look at me." He firmly commanded. "Are you even hearing yourself? You're letting them get to you. This was not your fault. It never was. Yes, the reporters are saying awful things about me and the boys too, but we can handle it; plus, we know that what you went through was terrifying and we don't blame you for pondering on it so much. (Y/N), we love you...I love you, and we'll get through this, okay?"

You wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged as tightly as possible without strangling him.

"Thank you Freddie. I love you so much."

He kissed your lips this time and suggested that you both just relax for now and watch TV today. Everyone needed a break during a time like this with the rumors practically suffocating Queen while they were trying to work so it seemed like keeping all the prejudice fans waiting for the next album was sufficient punishment for now. Feeling much better you crawled off of Freddie's lap and cuddled against his side, giving him permission to flick the television on. Channel after channel it seemed like there wasn't anything that good on so he handed you to remote to keep clicking while he checked the TV guide. After only two clicks, you paused on the news, displaying yet another distressing headline:

"(Y/N) (L/N): Malice For Mercury?"

This was the worst one yet. The TV displayed a live report, with a journalist standing right outside Garden Lodge's gate, this time the theories had resorted to desperate measures saying that the only reason you claimed this man put his hands on you was to get attention from Freddie and that you were trying to ruin his career for him cheating on you. Cheating on you? Freddie hadn't left your side since you started dating last month. The news then showed video of Freddie walking home with his arm around some mystery woman that nobody recognized.

"BOLLOCKS!" Freddie hollered while jumping to his feet. Normally he would have kept his cool about something like this, but this so called mystery woman on the screen was his little sister, Kashmira. She came by every weekend to have dinner with Freddie and you; it was a very nice time to look forward to and the fact that they were using his sister's face as some shady floozy pissed both of you off beyond belief. Granted, the press didn't know much about Freddie's family because he liked to keep his family life private, but this was a new low. Sensing Freddie's rage beginning to boil, you turned off the TV and had took him gently by the arms.

"Freddie, sweetheart, you're shaking. I need you to calm down."

He looked ready to explode.

"They--they're attacking my blood now!"

"I know! I know honey." You pulled him in for a hug and rubbed his back. "Just please calm down; I don't want your blood getting up more over this, too." He wrapped his arms around you accepting the comfort you provided. You could feel his heart angrily pounding against his chest where the side of your face was resting.

They were really getting to him too and it broke your heart to see him upset because he had been trying his hardest to be strong for you and in between that it's like he forgot it was completely okay to be upset. No matter what either of you tried, you couldn't get away from the chaos of these made up stories. People swarmed you at the studio, they blindsided the guys at their houses, and just now, there were people hanging outside the gate, waiting to aggravate the victims of these rumors even more. By this point they had forced everyone in Queen to go into hiding, and all for ratings.

All day long, you and Freddie spent your time checking all the doors and windows in paranoia; the constant chatter of reporters and the innumerable amount of flashing cameras was extremely distressing, causing you two to finally head upstairs and stay there for the rest of the day and into the night. Things seemed to settle around midnight, and left you and Freddie lounging on the bed together finally getting some quiet time. Lying on your sides, heads resting in your hands, you found it so much easier to talk about all this crap in the peace of each other's space.

"What are we gonna do, Fred? It won't stop."

"It will darling, trust me. We just need to wait this out and they'll get bored."

"We can't just hide until it's over with, we're not living anymore."

He sighed. You were right, but he just didn't know what to do anymore to make it better.

"I wish I could just say what happened and have them believe us." He said. The sweet gesture made you reach your hand across the space between you and stroke his charcoal black hair. The texture was soft to the touch and very soothing under your fingers. Freddie adored the attention and pulled you into his chest where he held you tighter than a child would hold a stuffed animal and muttered into your hair.

"If only they knew that man's true nature. For goodness' sake, they saw it at the conference."

That's when a light went off over your head. An idea came with just that little statement. An idea on how you were going to get your lives back.

"Freddie, you're a genius."

Two days later, every television in England was broadcasting one of its most interesting stories yet: Freddie Mercury and his girlfriend were willing to invite the alleged attacker to Garden Lodge for afternoon tea in an attempt to patch things over and move on with your lives. The day the announcement was made, you and Freddie had braved going outside for the first time in a while and were being interviewed in the inside of a downtown theater. As usual, many questions were being thrown at the both of you about the situation.

"Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Will you be friends with this guy afterwards?"

"Who do you think will apologize first?"

The whole time the questions flew, Freddie protectively kept his hand on yours. He wanted you to know it was all going to be okay, and you knew it was too, since your plan was bound to work if this guy was really as sick as he let on that night. Once in a while when responding to questions you two found yourselves glancing at one another to confirm whether your responses or not would be adequate. Freddie said that the change of heart came from the fatigue of feeling the need to hide and that a friendship with the man was uncertain. As for who would apologize first, it took some pride swallowing, but you managed to push out "I will."

Hours later, countless reporters were once again camped outside the mansion and kept every camera rolling for this groundbreaking story. Your pervert arrived on the dot for tea and used the doorbell on the door's exterior. The bell's ringing echoed through the manor and made you shiver at the idea of him being right outside. This same guy who left scratches on your arm was about to walk into yours and Freddie's home.

"Just breathe, Darling; your plan is gonna work."

"It better." You sighed.

Opening the door, you caught sight of his eyes. They seemed friendly enough, but nevertheless had this darkness lurking behind them.

"Derek, hi! Come on in."

"Thanks." He said, still seeming kind.

You and Freddie shook his hand and led him into one of the nicer sunlit rooms that normally wasn't used for tea unless you were having a guest. Compared to the rest of the rooms, it was a moderate, even small size. In the center of the room sat a coffee table decked with all the proper items to have at tea. A delicate white teapot painted in yellow and white with matching cups were placed properly there along with classic tea cakes and finger sandwiches. Either side of the table ends had a small couch pushed closely enough for anyone to reach over and grab what they needed off the table while sitting. Freddie shared one of the couches with you while Derek sat on the other. It only took staring at him again for a moment before you realized your breathing was becoming a bit laboured from your nerves causing a faster pulse; this was happening? This trash was in the house? But, still trying to be a gracious host, you picked up the pot and began to pour a cup for all three of you. Watching the steam rise from the cup made you wanna remove the lid and splash the hot drink into his face, but it wasn't part of the plan, so best keep it under control. After pouring your cup and sitting beside Freddie once again, he thanked you and everyone began to add what they wanted to the cups: sugar, cream, lemon etc. All three finished at the same time and raised their cups in a cheers like fashion.

"To a fresh start." Freddie grinned.

"To a fresh start." You repeated, trying not to sounding nervous. Derek copied and you sipped in unison. For a few very uncomfortable minutes nobody said anything while enjoying the tea and snacks; you all knew nobody wanted him here, and the tension in this Mexican stalemate caused you to move in and say what you had to.

"Derek, um, I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have attacked you like that; it was wrong to do something so awful to a fan of ours."

Ugh. That one hurt your pride.

"Thank you for that." Derek answered.

Freddie scooter close to you, placing his hand gently on your knee.

"I apologize too Derek. I shouldn't have used you as a punching bag. You see, when I thought that you had put your hands on her, it infuriated me and I was just trying to protect her. I'm sure you would have done the same for someone you care about."

"Well I can't blame you for that." Derek responded, smiling, but offered no apology himself. That's okay, you really didn't expect one. He took another sip of the tea and carefully placed it down. Something was definitely turning in his mind and none of it looked good.

"I'll accept your apology on one condtion: I want a quarter of a million dollars. It's the least you could do for compensation." The absolute balls! He knew none of this would be even happening if he didn't put his hands on you and now he wants a reward for getting his ass kicked? No, no way, you didn't care what happened after this, he wasn't getting a cent off either of you, but this could still work with what you had in mind.

You scoffed, jumping to your feet "I don't think so. We're trying to put this all behind us and then you come and pull this crap asking for money after leaving scratches on me and making our lives miserable? No! No you're not getting any money!"

Derek's face returned to that same vindictive grimace he had when he tried to throw himself at you, and it scared you to death. As he stood up too, Freddie instantly moved to protect you by standing as well and moving you behind him. He wasn't about to let someone punk him in his own house, no way! He didn't take bull.

"Fine. Don't gimme the money, I'll just go out and tell the reporters how much I tried to be friends and now the great Freddie Mercury and his slut are tightfisted with the compensation. You think your lives are bad now? Wait till the news gets ahold of this."

Freddie nearly lunged to attack, but you grabbed his shoulder, holding him back.

"Freddie, no! This isn't worth it. Just give him the money."

"But he--"

"Freddie please! I want our lives back."

It took a minute, but after looking between you and Derek, Freddie saw the fear in your eyes and it broke his heart. You shouldn't have to live in fear this way and he barely deserved you as it is. What the hell, money wasn't nearly as valuable as you. With a moment of his pride swallowed, he said he'd have to go all the way upstairs into the bedroom to get the checkbook. As he disappeared from the room, you gave Derek a bad staredown.

"So what's a perv like you gonna do with all that money?"

He shrugged. "Maybe buy you for the night." Rolling your eyes in disgust you let him know that was never gonna happen because he was an immature child; a man who threw a fit because he wasn't getting what he wanted, and then that's what set it off. He crossed the room getting right in your face.

"Fight all you want baby, I like it when they think they can get rid of me. I should left more than a few scratches on you; had it been just you and me, I would have treated you no differently than the floozies I pick up every Thursday." He grabbed both of your arms again, no not again! As soon as you hit the furniture, he pinned your arms down, to the sides and forced his lips onto yours. You tried to turn your head and struggle hard but he was so strong.

"Get off me!"

"Scream, and I'll kill Mr. Mustache. One way or another, I'm getting what I came for." He began to unzip your jacket but before anything else could happen, a gold flashy force knocked him off you and held him to the carpet. It was Queen's drummer Roger; he'd been hiding in a nearby closet, listening to everything so he could spring into action if anything went too far.

"Stay down, rapist! Did you get that, Deaky?"

To Derek's surprise, John Deacon the bassist popped out from behind a large potted tree in the corner of the room with a large camera in his grip. He signaled a yes, letting you all know they got everything they needed. Video was really all they needed to convict him, but to rub it in his face even more, you reached down your shirt and pulled out a wire, letting him know your bra had been bugged. That's right, you and the boys took two days planning this to catch Derek in the act and it worked perfectly. Almost on cue, Brian and Freddie escorted a group of officers into the room demanding they remove the root of all your problems.

The next day everyone in the band attended yet another conference to discuss everything and it was amazing; all the reporters who'd wrongfully accused you were now practically kissing your ass. There was nothing more satisfying than feeling this huge weight off your shoulders and the whole truth coming to light. Everyone in Queen received a formal apology from everybody and to even let you all know that Derek wasn't going to be even eligible for parole until he was 82. It's ok. By that time, every inmate would make him their girlfriend; no way he'd survive that.

"Freddie, with Derek finally behind bars and the your lives returning to normal, what's the first thing you're gonna do?"

Brian, Roger and John said they were just going to enjoy the peace with their wives an kids for now. They earned it after all, didn't they? As for Freddie, he took you in his arms, dipped your body, and left an enormous kiss on your lips. Upon standing you back in place, he said.

"I'm going to take the love of my life to Munich for a while. As happy as we are that everything is going back to normal, we haven't been able to just relax and laugh with each other since we started dating. Don't worry, the album will still be done on time. But for now, I just want it to be me and her. I love you with all my heart (Y/N) (L/N)."

"I love you too Freddie Mercury. Thank you so much for being there."

"I'll always look after you."

THE END

Thanks for checking this out! Find more from me on the Masterlist