#These motherfuckers can die she doesn't know them nor care

[verdemoun]

Dutch Motherfucking Van Der Linde in timewarp au.

@themodernpr0metheus because this is your fault be warned it's 1400+ words

so much to process. every single damned character in timewarp is affected by the very idea what became of Dutch Van Der Linde again let alone how they're meant to handle it when Dutch comes back. also gentle reminder that in the report the bureau wrote that John shot and killed Dutch so that's a whole other conflict they're going to have to deal with

also for the 1899 gang it's been 12 years. honestly for most of them it's been 12 years the only person who really interacted with dutch after 1899 was Micah and Dutch fucking shot him. Micah is still salty about it. look at that rat man you know he can hold a grudge.

12 years, no Dutch. Hosea's nearing his 70s, he has his wife and a house. Lenny, Jenny, Karen and Sean aren't kids anymore they're well into adulthood with legitimate jobs. Arthur and Charles are the new curious couple with Isaac their unruly son. Kieran doesn't jump or flinch anymore when people try to talk to him. Hosea really got everything he wanted - they're out of the gang, they're safe and happy.

Also Dutch isn't the only one coming back in a relatively short time period. They have to go all the way to Mexico to get Javier and Bill. They have to get John!! John, who was shot at the house Charles and Uncle helped him build for Abigail, who stared down a firing squad because it gave Abigail and Jack time to escape. They absolutely have to be there for John.

Hosea thinks long and hard. Dutch: who left Lenny to bleed out alone, who was willing to leave John to be executed in prison, and left Arthur to die alone, and abandoned Javier and Bill. Dutch: who formed another gang and killed innocents, used Muriel Scranton as a human shield before shooting her IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE OF A DISTRACTION TO LET HER GO ALIVE DUTCH. Is it everything he feared would happen to Dutch? Is it the Dutch he started to see glimpses of after Blackwater or did he know, deep down, this is what Dutch was always capable of?

What's the pettiest, bitchest thing he can do? Absolutely nothing. Hosea Matthews sits down with the gang trying to prepare for the 1911 returns and says that he is not going to get Dutch Van Der Linde. He is not going to see Dutch, talk to Dutch or help Dutch. Dutch is not welcome in his home or near his family and he doesn't expect nor want any of them to afford him the luxury of coming into their lives.

Annabelle is the one who goes to collect Dutch from the base of a cliff. The last time Annabelle saw Dutch, he was young and idealistic, and she had to read about Blackwater and everything that came after it right up to his death. She needs to see him so she can understand how someone she did genuinely love became something so evil that the people who did love him had to sit down and seriously ask themselves if he could be redeemed.

And Dutch Van Der Linde hits her with the 'you're as beautiful as the day I lost you'

She so nearly, nearly faulters. God as much as she hates him she wants to believe there is a reason, a sound, logical reason how Dutch abandoned so much of the ideals that made him Dutch. It's a tremendous burden only people who have loved Dutch know but deep down there's always a part of you that will love Dutch, as much as you try to kill it. She desperately wanted to believe she as the oldest, the most separated from Dutch, she was over it - but it's there. That awful demon is clawing its way back into her mind as she wonders if she can fix him, if she can save him and make him something recognizable again.

She knows damn well this is why Hosea knew he couldn't be the one to get Dutch.

Remembering why she has to be the one to get Dutch, to protect the gang she is now part of again and cares so much about from falling into the very real, intoxicating charm of Dutch, she holds her ground. Pulls away and tells him to get in the back seat of the car.

She takes him to a very nice, private, well-researched, pre-booked and thoroughly inspected in-patient mental health ward. the gang themselves have argued whether or not Dutch did the things he did because he was mentally ill or hit his head too many times or if he would've become a monster regardless but they do agree something is not right with Dutch and frankly 24 hour medical supervision is probably something he needs regardless because no one wants to just… bring him into the homes and lives they've tried to hard to build in modern era.

i promise, dutch is thriving. the d in dsm-5 might stand for dutch once the doctors are through with him but he's getting diagnosed with A lot.

they're paid to listen to him so he's going on so many rants and giving speeches and they're sitting there listening and nodding and asking questions (as they frantically write notes) and he's just basking in the attention. -> this. this is dutch's life

also dutch getting to finally admit to and work through his grief over what happened to the gang. he saw the old guard die. he lost so many people he cared about. he lost john. john left. john would've moved on completely after micah's death if not for the bureau. and the gang did lose faith in him, even before then. he felt it, he knew it. they did betray him (in his warped sense of betrayal)

also just dutch getting into intense philosophical and ethical debates with both his doctors and other patients. his doctors knowing they are absolutely not meant to engage when dutch is on a rant but it's just so fun debating with him

medication does help get Dutch back to something closer to 'old Dutch' he's still very grandiose but he's calmed down to the point he isn't reckless he can recognize when his behavior is crossing into outlandish

it's inevitable the gang do reach out to him and find it personally terrifying how close they can get to forgiving him before they remember all the shit they went through as a direct result of Dutch's actions

occasionally take him out on day trips but he is not getting to the point where he can be left to roam freely. Dutch always was and always will be a dangerous person when he can morally justify it to himself.

Dutch reuniting with Hosea hits so hard. hosea can only avoid him so long and dutch is old and tired and pulls hosea into a hug on the verge of tears and hosea cannot stop himself from hugging dutch back he still loves him god damnit he loves his wife but he will always love dutch and seeing dutch get help and try to become his old self again would hurt so much in such a positive way

his doctors (who have searched dutch van der linde and now think Dutch has delusional disorder and only thinks he is the Dutch Van Der Linde) do not think he has actually committed murder but the gang know he is very, very capable of murder

dutch is an avid triple mango vape enthusiast. no one knows how he keeps getting them.

he still thinks everything would be fine if they just went to tahiti

he is the #1 evelyn miller fan and thinks evelyn miller's death is further proof of his brilliance. during supervised computer time he will be on the evelyn miller subreddit and sometimes needs to be forcibly removed from the computer because he becomes so enraged at bad takes

the gang are all very protective of their kids being around dutch when he is there (including micah who does not want his stupid annoying pain in the ass grand-nephew kai to become Dutch-ified) but somehow they managed to raise well-rounded young people who just shrug and go 'lmao dutch is talking again'

dutch goes on volunteering excursions for habitat for humanity (under annabelle's supervision) and thoroughly enjoys it. he gradually becomes less 'fight the system for the good of all man' and more 'focus on the good i can do in one (second-chance) lifetime'. all i want is aged dutch in the modern version of his 1911 outfit kneeling in muck and smiling because he's Actually helping people again and he didn't know how much he missed it

[sincelastsession]

I Love my partner but sometimes I'm like..."Why are men?" I'm sure they get frustrated with women too but jfc.

I only let people I'm comfortable drive.

My biggest fear is that what if I've picked the wrong driver when I'm falling asleep at the wheel? What if we wreck? What if we arrive safely.

It's hard to trust your lover. It's hard to be vulnerable.

He finds it hard to be vulnerable with me.

It breaks my fucking heart.

Because I don't get brave and share me at my most vulnerable with anyone.

I never feel like I have enough time to say what I want to say. I feel like time is coming for me.

He puts me in sub space. He put me there the other day and I was so stressed it took a while. But it's the biggest relief. It's a medicine I can't compare to anything. He helps. I feel safe and guarded and floating and held though he's very far away. I had no sub drop.

Today I'm having a drop and it's 3am where he is and I've managed them on my own but it SUCKS.

I have this constant fear that he will do something horrible to me but he's never done such things.

He has pissed me the fuck off more times than I can mention I stg how can he fuss about how he doesn't feel seen as a man a big man but I think the problem is he sees himself one but needs the approval of others which is just silly to me because I don't think he believes what he wants to hear from others.

He tells me things I think are pretty vulnerable but people are layered like onions and make you cry. I don't understand but I do. It's a curse. It's why I'm so fucking nice. Because I mask I mirror I see through the bullshit and it's so easy at this point to see a pov if I've got enough information.

But this isn't all about him. This is about all the hurt little boys and their fucking feelings, thier fee fees that get hurt so easily because patriarchy is a poisonous snake biting it's own tail that will not die and give balance to this godforsaken planet.

Maybe I'm a "cunt a bitch a man hater"

"Not all men" they say as the point flies over their heads.

I feel my feelings the best way I can. If I let them all out I feel that I'll be too much. Too much woman. Too much talking. Too much red nails and lipstick. Too much kicking and screaming. Off to the asylum where they'll tool around with what's left of me.

I simply wish I did not care. I want to be the wild animal that I am. I want someone to come along and tame me but not to put up for adoption later.

Why am I perfectly fine with things sometimes and other times I want to retch.

It's hard being in love. People who say it's easy are liars. It's easy to love yes, it's not easy to love though too. I don't know how to articulate that into a normal nor metaphorical explanation because love us the hardest thing to describe. If it had a truly fixed definition and there weren't a zillion forms of it then we'd have no art no literature no romanticism. Can you imagine?

But my body. My body is a cage. It is a flesh prison that remembers the score it holds everything and won't let go. And why won't it let go? Because there'd be nothing left. There was never ME MINE MY BODY. I FUCKING NEVER GOT CONTROL AND NOW I STIFLE SCREAMS AT NIGHT WISHING I COULD HUNT DOWN EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKER WHO EVER HURT ME AND EAT THEM ALIVE DESTROY THEM LIKE THEY DESTROYED ME THEN MAYBE I COULD HAVE A SINGULAR MOMENT OF PEACE. MAYBE I COULD WALK ALONE AT NIGHT. MAYBE I COULD RELAX. God I hate it when people tell me to relax and breathe. It's so fucking hilarious and idiotic. How the fuck does a woman relax? Who are these lucky people who have never known a bad touch?

My body has never been my own. It's literally just a container and I'm so tired of being trapped in it. It was never mine. As soon as I gained sentience they gave me a name and a number and dressed me up like a doll. My mother loved dolls and dogs and sad pathetic shitty men and still does. She was abused and it shows and I can see her breaking and I have seen it going on for a long time. I can see that she's just a sexually assaulted kid filling her home with boxes of things she'll get to and guards and food so much food because she's diabetic and the world might end meanwhile she's letting an alcoholic con man literal cobbler wreck her relationship with me and my sister. She falls in love with words with friends scammers. She's lost money. Do you know how many times I've had to reverse image search and try to show her that the scammer isn't real? Do you know how much she still doesn't believe it's a person of color (which she's not fond of but won't admit)? "I'm coming to see you" "I'll save you" "we can build a big house and you can even put a house for Kim on the property"

Why do I get so many scam calls when I didn't before?

I get 20 a day. Thanks mom. And when she promised to go to therapy to give 30mins of her time or an hour to work on herself she only went twice and her therapist she obviously lied to and she lied to me and told me that the therapist didn't need to see her and everyone else must ne the problem. Now she says she'll go but it's a lie. She will never accept that these people aren't in love with her.

I know no one is in love with me. I know they care but they aren't in love.

She said it herself. No one wants to marry you. No one wants someone like you. No one wants a disabled woman.

And then this was confirmed. I have too many medical issues. How could he possibly learn all about each one in case of emergency? How could he stand me if it was more than some easy things?

Why the fuck do I need to be fixed? Why can't I be left alone? They gotta break me then put me back together. They gotta tell me all my faults and tell me it's my fault their fucking feelings are hurt when I have had ENOUGH. They don't see me as a whole They see me as broken. I WAS BORN BROKEN. I'm fucking Lillith. I'm the snake. I wasn't a good enough Eve.

Fuck them.

They do not water me but I will water a plant and shake it a bit to stimulate it's silly little natural environment while I go speak to my therapist about the GOD FUCKING AWFUL THINGS. Maybe one day I'll name them all.

I hate living with shame and regret. Fuck the Catholic church too. The epicenter of organized crime. In churches and wherever it can reach. Why did I have to tell my fucked up sins to men in fancy robes that cost enough to feed a family? Why did I have to repent?

"No virgin me for I have sinned I sold my soul for sex and gin go call a priest all meek and mild and tell him Mary's no longer child"

Whatever happened to Mary? What happened to the divine feminine that has been documented and erased?

I can't fucking stand when men complain when they face a challenge women do every day. Go fucking cry and jack off or something.

When they WHINE FOR SEX WHEN THEY PUSH TO GET WHAT IS NOT THEIRS. WHEN THEY THINK THEY OWN YOU.

My Dom only owns me when I say he can. I know how it works. I use my safeword. He respects it. He is so good with me at times. I don't like that he told me he was sad because he couldn't marry her. He proposed to me on my birthday one year. He didn't remember it the next day. He apologized. I can't hate him right now. I understand it. I know I'm not his primary. He told me so. He told me things would be different if I wanted to be. He told me he wished I'd find a primary to care for me here. He doesn't seem to have intentions to hurt me but he did I know he said it because he cares. I argued with him. He was angry I tried to date Justin who seemed to have problems with EVERYTHING I did and tried to make himself innocent. But Justin is a monogamous man who said he could handle me having a long distance partner. He said he wanted kitchen table. He demanded that I send a picture to my partner of him while I was taking pictures of animals at the zoo for myself, him, and Matt and fucking typing out what the ones I didn't know were. He fucking stood over me to try and read my messages at the goddamn zoo and also when I took a video of a band at a metal show. He asked if all 3 of us were on a date at the zoo. It took me a bit to see it all. Matt noticed it. He kept quiet for a bit I suppose to see if I was going to see it. Then he fussed at me for putting him in danger and all his loved ones etc because my life is filled with psychos he said and that was dangerous. "You protect me and I'll protect you and we don't need to say more about it" he told me he wasn't "Philly poly" what the fuck does that mean I thought about it. His ex, my friend is in Philly. She's got several partners and goes to orgies and does whatever she wants with all sorts of people. I know he hid going to a party she threw in October on my fucking birthday which he forgot because birthdays aren't important in his brain at this age I guess unless it's a party. He made an Instagram account that I'm blocked from seeing but she showed me the name. She convinced him to follow her nudes account. She's been telling me randomly that she misses him and misses his big dick and if I'm not a size queen then I won't enjoy it. What a cunt.

The fucked part is I understand ALLLLLL of this. I can put myself in thier places. I can see their baggage and bullshit. I can imagine how it all feels. The thing is if they'd just told me I wouldn't be bothered.

I rarely get jealous.

I am jealous that he wants to marry her (his primary). She's already married. I'm not though. I'd like to be married and have him as a nesting partner and live a peaceful life.

I have this painting that my grandmother painted and we both like it. It's a little town with a stream and a bridge. Ask me I'll show you. After my D/s session with him I was in sub space and asked him to meet me there in my sleep as he did aftercare and said he'd be on the bridge.

I have secrets I can never tell him. He's private as hell. He doesn't trust easy. I have fucked up and she knows. It would wreck everything. I hope she forgets. I hope she has so many partners and is so busy she has no time to think about him or me.

I have no desire to break things off with him. I'm nowhere near hitting a wall. We've spent time apart before but come back together like magnets.

I understand how weird and fucked it seems to others. I think I've looked at this from every angle. I don't care if people tell me it's unhealthy.

They don't get that I'm just as messed up if not worse.

But back to the real subject that I'm oscillating on.

I don't feel like my needs ever mattered in general to begin with. Since birth.

My voice didn't matter each time I was graped or assaulted. They just gave excuses.

It scares me that part of me is both a monster that's half my mother's dumbfuckassery and part my father's rage.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to go on a walk at night by myself.

I'd rather a bear walk up to me than a man.

I'd rather a bear attack me.

They'd believe that.

Fuck em. I'm so tired.