#Then again that might be because I haven't slept in about 20 hours

[black-king-white-knight]

So, Vitamin C neutralizes ADHD meds, right?

And citric soda contains at least some Vitamin C.

And Alec Hardison is ADHD as fuck.

What if he drinks the soda to neutralize his ADHD meds when he needs to switch from forging to hacking?

That would also explain his need for his frogs when he's at his computer. Because a craving for sugar/sweets is another ADHD thing.

[meowcatmutie]

how would dave & karkat react if they found out their original shipper was lord fucking english?

depending on how comfortable dave is with his sexuality at the time he would either fucking lose it (because he has a repressed crush on karkat so it's not even funny in an ironic way) or think it's absolutely goddamn hilarious probably, and either add or subtract points from the "do i want to fulfill my destiny" meter

karkat would fucking lose it regardless because that's the thing he does and he'll throw a tantrum about invasion of privacy, you know like he did on page 7488, except Worse because it's not even john it's some fucking angry loser he doesn't know? and this fucking angry loser is the final boss? what kind of stupid joke is this. what is dave to him right now? his crush? boyfriend? this depends on where on the timeline we are again. in the "crush" scenario he's convinced this is a cruel joke being played on him specifically by the universe, so business as usual, and it doesn't ever cross his mind that dave might also have an opinion about this other than "lol can you fucking imagine". maybe in the "boyfriend" scenario he'd be white knighting for dave's honor (you can't make fun of dave unless karkat approves it) while actually embarrassing himself further. i don't know i might have to think on that more.

i wrote a lot about karkat. i wasnt going to write this much at all but then i did

it's 5:30am and i haven't slept in like 20 hours so this might not be anything. or like very coherent at all. guess i'll find out when i wake up in the afternoon

whatever! send post

[honmyoseagull]

WHUMPTOBER 2023 MASTERLIST

DARK REIGN BULLSNIKT: HISTORY OF A RELATIONSHIP FROM BEGINNING TO END. (INDIVIDUAL LINKS TO AO3 IN THE TITLES)

PART 1, prompts 1 to 8

SHOCK VALUE

The courtship started in an explosive way. Then comes the first date. Obviously, this is Daken and Bullseye, so don't expect rainbow and roses. More like torture and constant denial. And maybe the tiniest bit of longing.

No. 1: Safety Net | Swooning | “How many fingers am I holding up?”

No. 2: “I’ll call out your name, but you won’t call back.” Thermometer | Delirium | “They don't care about you.”

No. 3: “Like crying out in empty rooms; with no-one there except the moon.” “Make it stop.”

No. 4: “I see the danger, It’s written there in your eyes.” Shock | “You in there?”

No. 5: “You better pray I don't get up this time around.” Debris | Pinned Down | “It's broken.”

No. 6: “Do or die, you’ll never make me; Because the world will never take my heart.” Made to Watch | “It should have been me.”

No. 7: " “I paced around for hours on empty; I jumped at the slightest of sounds.” Radio Silence |

No. 8: “I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” Overcrowded ER | Outnumbered

PART 2, prompts 9 to 16

NOTHING PERSONAL

Fighting together (or against each other) is easy. Fucking, they learn to manage. Kinda. Since this is Daken and Bullseye we're talking about, they're rubbish at dealing with their feelings, though. And the more they run from them, the more it hurts. Literally. Also, it wasn't what they had planned with their day, this 'Meet the Family' thing.

No. 9: “Learning everything ain't what it seems, that's the thing about these days.” Polaroid | Mistaken Identity | “You're a liar.”

No. 10: “Can’t you see that you’re lost without me?” Broken Phone | Stranded | “You said you'd never leave.”

No. 11: Animal trap | Captivity | “No one will find you.”

No. 12: “I haven't slept in days but who's counting?” Red | Insomnia | “I’m up, I’m up.”

No. 13: Cold Compress | Infection | “I don’t feel so good.”

No. 14: “Feed me poison, fill me ‘till I drown.” Water Inhalation | “Just hold on.”

No. 15: Makeshift Bandages | Suppressed Suffering | “I’m fine.”

No. 16: “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Gurney | Flatline

PART 3, prompts 17 to 24

FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE

A learning curve. Dealing with blasts of the past. Blasting the past. Again. Learning to be two. They are who they are, they work (mostly) and they rock. (Even if the ground they tango on is rocky.) Now, if ghosts could stop crawling out of the woodwork, that would be nice.

No. 17: “You’re the lump in my throat and the knot in my chest.” Touch Aversion | “Leave me alone.”

No. 18: “Hit them harder.”

No. 19: Floral Bouquet (of tea (a)) | Psychological | “I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”

No. 20: Blanket | Found Family | “You will regret touching them.”

No. 21: “See the chains around my feet.” Restraints

No. 22: “They never saw us coming, ‘til they hit the floor.” Glass Shard | Vehicular Accident | “Watch out!”

No. 23: “It’s gonna get me by the end of the night.” Shadows | Stalking | “Who’s there?”

No. 24: “I’ve got a head full of chemicals; mouth full of ridicule.” Goodbye Note | Neglect | “I thought they were with you.”

PART 4, prompts 25 to 31

BREAKING EVEN

They need each other more than ever. Are ready to give and take more than ever. And yet, they still crack at the seams.

No. 25: “You’re not delivering a perfect body to the grave.” Storm | Buried Alive | “They’re not breathing!”

No. 26: “Sometimes I get so tired; I don’t even know myself.” Seeing Double | Working To Exhaustion | “You look awful.”

No. 27: Matches | Scars | “Let me see”

No. 28: “We might not make it to the morning; so go on and tell me now.” Bloody Knife | Sacrifice | “You'll have to go through me.”

No. 29: “I only sink deeper the deeper I think.” Scented Candle | “What happened to me?”

No. 30: “It’s okay, just to say, ‘I’m not okay’.” Borrowed Clothing | Bridal Carry |

No. 31: “I thought that I was getting better.” Emptiness | “Take it easy.”

(Fifth fic about Mourning the relationship based on the alternate prompts will be done when it will be done ^^;; Gimme a break. No, not bones.)

[mikimeiko]

To the East! Day 3 - Otranto

Woke up at an ungodly hour (7:00! On a Sunday! - though luckily with the switch to solar hour I gained one hour more of sleep) to get the bus to the train station (I hate that the train station is far enough out of town that you have to take the bus to get there). This is my one chance to get to Otranto, because there are only two trains from Lecce to Otranto on a Sunday and if I take the second one I won't be able to come back to Ostuni. I almost wait at the wrong bus stop but I realize it in time, and the bus does come!

Train 9: Ostuni>Lecce. I haven't been south of Ostuni in years, and I only did this route by train once. There grass under the olive trees! Constantly amazed by the fact that it's not summer XD

I have just the time to have breakfast in Lecce, and I get a pasticciotto (pastry filled with custard, typical of this area) which... I don't really like the pasticciotto but every time I am in Lecce I feel compelled to try it again and don't get me wrong it was better than the ones you find in Milan but still. It's a pastry with TOO MUCH CUSTARD. I don't even like custard XD

Train 10: Lecce>Otranto it's a Ferrovie del sud-est train, so I can't use my lovely train pass :( it does have a nice cyan/blu color scheme though. It left the station almost 20 minutes late D: I had only one hour and half to visit Otranto and now I have even less :( the ride is slow but quite scenic.

The train never really recovers the delay and then, a couple of kilometres outside of Otranto, it just stops. It stays there for like 10, 15 minutes. It's a single track railway so we're not waiting for another train or anything. After a while they tell us that the train has stopped because there's a railway crossing and the barriers are open/not closing. Really? And we can't go because of this? Can't we go really really slow while blaring the horn? It is so late and I'll have no time to visit the city :(

So yeah, I have about 45 minutes and the station is up hill and not super close to the centre, ok. I manage to get to the seaside and see the marina and the outside of the historic centre, than I buy a rustico (puff pastry filled with tomato, bechamel and cheese) and I head back to the station. It's a pity, it seemed like a really lovely place - and also I could have done with a longer break from the train but it is what it is I guess.

Train 11: Otranto>Lecce is actually train 10 going in the other direction XD. I saw a goat grazing in a cultivated field, I don't think it was supposed to be there XD

I thought that I might stop in Lecce or Brindisi before heading back home (especially since the visit to Otranto was so rushed) but the hour more I slept this morning has come back to haunt me: sunset is at half past four, and I don't really wanna stay out with the dark, so train 12: Lecce>Ostuni is the last one I'm gonna take today. Time to do nothing inside :D

[messofmoss]

saturday, june 22, 2024

8:31am

i just slept for 11 hours. i got home from work and basically just passed out. my phone is half dead. my whole body hurts. i had a whole handprint on my arm when i woke up lol

there were many times my mind was racing yesterday and i wanted to write here but i was working and couldn't. i feel like writing it down helps a bit because instead of rattling around in my brain, it's pouring out here. like a bit of release and relief.

my head hurts. it hurt a lot yesterday too. i forgot to take my pills. i haven't missed a day in awhile. i was missing a refill and i was going to take them when i got the missing part but forgot about it.

i feel shitty. i don't want to go to work today. or do anything really. slept 11 hours and i just want to go back to sleep. sleep 11 more hours. i hate work. i don't want to go. i don't want to be around humans. i just want to be in my dark cave with my cats and my kindle and my pillow. i didn't even get to enjoy my days off because it was too hot to exist.

i feel like crying right now. i don't want to go so bad. i can't just call out every weekend though. ugh

10:19am

i sent her a minute of voice messages and all she says back is "okayyy" an hour later. really nothing to say at all??? why do i even bother

5:15pm

teary in the car again. i think julia is mad at me for calling her a hater. i was only teasing.

as SOON as she opened my last voice message, she started typing and said she was going to bed. she hadn't even listened to half of it yet. that voice was my attempt to change the subject. i said "i'm going to try to befriend the new girl at work tonight" the one i had told her might be a lesbian. idk i'm just so sad.

lilly told me to back off her and see if she reaches out to me first. i feel like she won't because last night i fell asleep and forgot to send her good morning message and when i woke up, she had read my last message and just... didn't say anything to me.

8:40pm

i can't enjoy my free time because i made a plan and that plan isn't until monday morning but like it takes away future planned free time before work and now i'll have to be out doing something and now i am just in a perpetual state of anxiety waiting for that thing. and it's like when you have a dentist appt at like 2pm so you can't enjoy your morning because you're just waiting for the appointment. i hate transition periods. i used to tell brogan to not tell me if he had to leave in like 10 or 20 minutes or whatever because then i wouldn't be able to enjoy that time anymore because it would feel like we are in a transition phase and it just makes me stupid anxious. the plan for monday is to go to clifton park at 8am to pick up thomas from the mechanic and hang with him til i have to work. i just hate making plans in general. i hate weekends because i have to work. i hate feeling trapped. work schedule makes me feel trapped. making plans makes me feel trapped.

also i have acid reflux/heartburn whatever for the first time in aaaaages and i hate it so much. i think it's because i've had pan pizza two days in a row at work. i need to get back to my diet. i feel like shit. i look like shit. i am shit. i look at my reflection and i don't even recognize my face anymore. like who the fuck is that? why do i look like that?

[ramblingsofuncertainty]

Old Entries

Ramblings

Sunday

3:15. The silence is nice. I can talk to Allah swt and I feel safe at this moment. The stillness of the night isn't stifling. I don't turn on the fan even though it's hot. I like the silence. My thoughts are quite too

7:10. I don't want to get up but I've already jumped off the bed. Need to get breakfast ready. Need to take medicine. Need to hurry hurry hurry.

9:15. Panic and dread.

11:50. Relief. Exhaustion. 

2:42. I had this really intense need to be talking about it with Saadia. Can't call her cos she's probably sleeping. And this urge might become less and then I'll make excuses to myself to not call her. But I wish we were exhausted and lying in her room ranting. Or maybe not even that. Just being quiet. She'd be watching something stupid like NCIS or suits or something and I’d be squished in her giant beanbag (territory Id claimed long ago) I remember the neck ache I got when Id been squished in it too long. Her mom would poke her head in and shake her head at us and bring us pasta. Or chicken bread! Man, I miss that chicken bread. The squishy peices of corn that would pop in your mouth and the hot buttery peppery chicken.

She knows me inside out. I don't want to burden her right now. She can't do anything about it being so far away.

I'm happy, reminiscing while writing about her, and it hasn't made me sad, in a surprising turn of events. I think my circuitry is messed up. But happy accidental serotonin is still serotonin and I'm grateful.

Monday

Didn't write the whole day. Brain feels like a fog. No emotions. I just need sleep. 

Tuesday

9.:40. Stopped to have a conversation with a squirrel. It seemed interested, but then decided it didn't have the time. Squirrel business called. And I was late for class

9:43. Needed to make a call and that was it for the day. Cue the mind haze. All the emotions all at once. And none at the same time.

Music to shut out the thoughts. Helped a bit.

P realized something was up. As much as I felt cheery and awake at the end of the day, but she knew something was off. I couldn't put a finger on it til she said it. Despite trying trying to distract myself, I still felt like there is a pulling, scratching inside. I'm craving something and I don't know what it is. Bit it's like a dull sort of scratch, like the echo of a thing

Thursday

4:57. Missed fajr. Feel like shit. Had nightmares, woke up feeling more exhausted than when I slept. I haven't been able to dream for like five or six years. But nightmares are becoming a thing now.

8.25. Tried to wake up but the day already feels exhausting and I don't want to deal with it

9:20. Fell asleep and woke up in a panic. There's so much that needs to be done. I have so much work. How can anything feel exciting when there is always anxiety and panic that's flooding my brain. 

9:55. My joy in realizing they've made eggs for breakfast today is fleeting. The eggs are burnt at the edges and dry. I still eat them, my mouth feels like what I imagine it must feel like to wake up from surgery, desperate for water. I'm being ungrateful and I dont like it. It's food. Why am I being like this?

Cant feel much today.

4:50. Decided to take a nap. Woke up in a panic again because I thought I'd slept for three hours instead of one. Body hurts and I don't want to get up. I'll procrastinate more and then the day is over and I've done nothing.

8:05. Feeling good. Found myself humming something. Surprised enough to want to write it down. I feel like I can get something done. Making tea, then getting down to work. I feel like I'm in flow. Hope this stays!

P.S. it didn't stay. Something happened and all sense of time and work and sanity was gone. (Writing this on Thursday)

Friday

I broke the streak today. I didn't want to write down anything the whole day so now I'm writing it at the end of the day. I woke up with a numbness in my body. Had nightmares again. It's getting both more difficult and easier to get up. I can't explain it.

There's this short stretch of trees lining the football field that blooms with these hanging yellow flowers that always snaps me back to the present and gives a couple of seconds of relief everyday. Today it just made me annoyed (there aren't any blooms but the walk usually is still pleasant) because I realized the absence of that relief and that is what jolted me out of my thoughts. Not the relief but the lack of it. 

Everything felt off today. It's exhausting living with myself. 

I came back and slept. I just want to sleep. Forced myself to eat. I can't work. I can't work. I can't work. I'm trying. I have class at 6am. I don't want to be. There's too much noise. Writing all these things down is making everything more concrete. It's the fig tree again. From Sylvia Plaths Bell Jar. But the roots shriveled up and wilted and the trunk is hollow too. No possibilities lying blackened at my feet. They are a distant memory, haunting  the air with a rotten smell. 

(P.S. (writing this on Saturday: I feel disconnected reading what I wrote last night. I don't want to linger on it. That person was there. So was one who was not in that state. I feel like a conduit, in this moment, reading the previous entries, they feel like versions of me that exist and existed, a product of the things happening to me at the time)

Saturday

Today I felt disconnected, outside of my body. Woke up tired again but almost mechanically, went through the motions of getting up and getting through the day. 

I'm relieved though. Beats yesterday in any case.

Saturday/Sunday:

(A summary): I did not open this up to write anything for the past two days because I was in a good place after a very long time. I passively tried to understand what triggered it but couldn't. Coming back to why I didn't write. Writing things down forces me to confront what's going on in my head and usually that untangles whatevers up there and when the thoughts become clear, they are usually not very pleasant. And so I wanted to live in denial for a little bit longer. 

Sunday

9.09: Panic again. but dull. I have to work. There might be eggs. 

11.06: Mediocrity scares me. I don't want to be a blob of nothingness. I have worlds inside of me, I have been so many me-s, they were all people with thoughts and emotions and intelligence. I feel like I have lost grip of so many of those versions of myself, and of the potential that they all had. Now everything I do feels like I am dragging myself through a thick sludge of effort, pushing pushing pushing. My head feels dull and more empty than it used to be. 

The air feels thick. Dead, no crispness in it, just a lingering heat and smell of dead grass

Monday

4:40. Unraveling. The air is nice today, feels fresh and crisp. I can smell the freshly mowed grass of the football ground as a linger on my way back

5.:15. A summary of today: Flow state. I found myself quite unexpectedly in a state of flow, like everything was aligned and I was getting things done. Things seemed to be rolling off of me, I just kept working like nothing mattered and I actually felt happy with the work I made, and when I made something not so good, it didn't stop me. It felt like I side stepped a ditch that would have pulled me in, and I was just able to brush it off so easily and move on. I felt like a person. I felt complete. Like otherwise there's always echoes of me slightly lagging or moving ahead and I'm just trying to keep track of the pieces to move together and making the effort of carrying all the scrambling, falling, scattered pieces keeps me occupied

6:20. A word out of place. And it started this echo that kept reverberating and bouncing back and forth off the walls of my mind. And it shook everything out of place. Like a tiny tremor that upsets the precarious balance that had been a happy accident. 

The crows and their noise just before maghrib remind me of Karachi and the breezy evening air, that smells like dust and sticks to your face on the sheen of oil covering your sticky skin at the end of a long day. The smell of gasoline and petrol heavy and clinging to your clothes, coming home with you

Tuesday

My thoughts are not my own. Not writing today. 

Wednesday

I like this moment. Its the end of the day and I linger going back. My walk is deliberately slow and I focus and at the same time watch without seeing, the details of the accumulated dust on the sidewalk. The cars passing by seem slow and fast at the same time, their noise amplified for some reason. The sound is grating but I cant hear it even though everything feels heightened.

[donnerpartyofone]

How can I get myself pumped for this. I'm so tired. I'm emotionally discombobulated especially since the event I hosted last night was The Thing according to my brain and it's too confusing to consider that there's still another Thing to do, like when you think a movie is about to end but it turns out there's another 20 minutes that are now hard to feel invested in. In the last few years I have been struggling valiantly against all my untreatable mental illnesses to maintain a philosophy of life that says "you never know what could happen if you just try" but I keep imagining myself bumbling around uncomfortably between strangers who all have real reasons to be there. Plus I'm pretty sure there will be one person I DO know there who I really want nothing to do with and he might be hard to avoid, and I'd have to pretend I didn't absolutely hate his friends' movie, and I'd probably have to talk about college, and all this other undesirable stuff. I'm having trouble coming up with potential benefits to this activity, even though it shouldn't take that much imagination to do so. I only slept a few hours between about 2 and 6am or something, and I'm excruciatingly hungry not because I didn't eat, I think, but because I haven't eaten anything nutritious in almost 48 hours, and I can't wrap my mind around fixing that. And finally, every single photo of me from last night, taken by various strangers in different positions, is extremely unflattering in the exact same way. Which is fine on some level because I already know I haven't been taking care of myself for a couple months and I just need to pick up the slack again and I can't very well hide in my house until I'm miraculously better, but this definitely isn't motivating me to go to some schmooze orgy on account of "you never know". Help!

I lived a week in the last 24 hours, and somehow I still have to find the energy to go to an Industry Event and act like I belong there. Which I'm grateful to get to do but holy shit. When can I please return to my regular snail personality and just shut down for a little while.

[yourmidnightlover]

lost my everything

Summary- while revealing something to spencer, you confess something during the process. he didn't know how to react, which led to a terrible accident in which he might lose you forever.

TW: talk abt mental and physical abuse, alluding to death, talk about self-harm, SAD ENDING

WC- 3,152

a/n - please don't read if you're sensitive to self-harm or talk about emotional and physical abuse because reader goes into discussion about these things. i care about you and your safety so if you need to talk about anything please seek help or my inbox is always open! you are loved and you are needed <3

masterlist

----------------------------------

one thing about being the youngest member of the team meant that the second-youngest member was drawn to you.

that second youngest member happened to be spencer reid.

you had just had another paperwork day today since you got back from one the night previous. you were currently in the conference room discussing the case before we got off-topic, curtesy of spencer's coffee problem.

"i might have a slight problem with my coffee addiction, but there are many studies that go to show the benefits of drinking coffee. supposedly, drinking coffee could extend your life period, strengthen your liver, increase your body's glucose production, and even-"

"okay, that's all for today guys. go home and get rest before a case comes in," hotch interjected and warned.

you placed your hand on spencer's arm, this time underneath the table, as his face began to fall from disappointment. he turned to face and gave a tight-lipped grin before you removed my hand and we both stood up.

"so, spence, my place or yours for the doctor who marathon this time?" you said as he grabbed his bag from his desk.

"we went to mine last, so we can just go to yours this time," he said with his natural pep back. "besides, i kinda like your apartment better," he shrugged with another wide smile.

"clearly you do," you joked. "you almost always say my place," you laughed as you both joined jj. pen, and emily in the elevator.

"hey, y/n, would you wanna go to o'kiefs with us tonight?" jj offered kindly.

"already got plans. maybe next time!" you said with a smile, turning back to see spencer wearing the same smile on your face.

honestly, you and spencer have gone to the bar with the team a few times. you weren't opposed to going with them, you just knew that going meant everyone would pressure you to drink alcohol.

last time, you had succumbed to peer pressure. spencer had to drive you home and hold your hair as you puked into the toilet, it was a very good bonding experience. you didn't remember much, but you do remember you convinced him to stay the night, although he did end up sleeping on the couch rather than in the bed with you.

"after last time, i don't blame you, y/l/n," emily laughed out, giving a concerned look recalling the memories flooding her mind.

"next time we won't pressure you so much!" penny consoled. "i didn't know how much you meant it when you said you can't handle your alcohol," she winced.

"yea... i really meant it," you laughed out, trying to shed some light on the subject. the elevator opened, allowing you to go your separate ways for the night. "have fun you guys!" you called as you walked to your car with spencer.

spencer and you have been carpooling to work ever since you learned he took the metro to work and only lived a couple blocks from your apartment complex. you couldn't stand the thought of something bad happening to him while on the train, so you've offered to give him a ride there and back ever since.

in return, spencer insisted on paying for daily coffee runs for the two of you. it was his way 'of returning the fuel money in another type of fuel.'

you and spencer crawled into the car and began the drive back to your place. it wasn't too long to your place, only a 20-minute drive, but being with spencer made it feel like half that.

"do you even remember what happened the last time you went to the bar with them?" spencer laughed.

"not exactly..." you grimaced. "just that you took me home, there was a bit of puking, and i coerced you to stay the night. and you slept on the couch, which is absolutely ridiculous! i mean, i was the one who practically made you stay, so shouldn't i have slept on the couch? it's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before," you ranted.

"you're right, we have slept in the same bed before," he clarified. "but each time we did that you weren't drunk out of your mind," he sassed.

"ha-ha, spence," you mocked. "i did say i couldn't handle my alcohol. is there anything you wanna fill me in on?"

truthfully, yes.

there was something he wanted to fill you in on.

he wanted to tell you how you confessed your past to him.

he wanted to tell you how you kissed him right after...

and he kissed you back.

he could still remember the way your lips tasted, still covered by the vodka from the shots you took hours before.

but he didn't want you to think less of him since he kissed you back.

he just couldn't help it.

he'd been helplessly in love with you for so long, yearning to be with you as more than friends... as more than what he thought you wanted. but that kiss was his hope.

it was hope that maybe you felt a fraction of the chemistry he did. it was hope that maybe even if you didn't like him, you still had an attraction towards him in some kind of way. it was hope that maybe you would grow those same feelings for him.

but no matter how much 'hope' that kiss gave him, he shouldn't have kissed you back. he knew how vulnerable you were by telling him about your history of abuse.

you told him about your parents. about how they would throw you around when they were high, or drunk, or both. you told him about how they would call you worthless, a whore, stupid, good-for-nothing, basically every name in the book. but you didn't tell him about how you coped with the abuse.

so, when he told you how amazing you are to be able to turn your life around how you did, and how beautiful you are and always have been, you couldn't help but embrace him with a kiss.

you kissed him.

and he kissed you.

in a wonderful, vulnerable moment, he kissed you back as he'd always wanted to each night you spent with each other.

"nope," he shook his head. "nothing to fill you in on."

"i guess that's good," you shrugged.

he also wanted to know if you'd ever tell him about what happened when you were in your right mind. he wanted to know that you trusted him with your darkest secret that you accidentally already spilled to him.

although, maybe you should know about what you admitted to him. it was your life, after all. it was your past that you revealed to him in a simple drunken mistake.

"actually..." spencer started, taking a deep breath as he looked into your eyes. "you did mention something."

"okay... what'd i mention?" you wondered.

"you told me about..." he tried to find the right words to say. "about your parents."

"oh...?" you began to realize what you had admitted to him that very night, still not remembering the events that followed. "i didn't want you to find out like that..." you trailed off.

"i figured you didn't," he gave a small grin. you looked over at him hesitantly.

you thought about all the ways you could react to this. you could block him out and act like it was his fault you drunkenly confessed your past. you could ignore the fact that you told him at all and just move on, burrowing all the emotions inside of you once again. or, you could try to finally move on from what happened and how you coped with it by talking to spencer about it.

"when we get to my place, would you mind if we held off on the marathon? i should probably elaborate a bit more," you asked meekly.

"of course we can. we can do whatever you want tonight, y/n," he soothed, placing a hand on your lower thigh comfortingly.

you drove back to your place in silence, the both of you anticipating the conversation awaiting you.

when you finally entered your apartment, you both shed your coats by the door, hanging them on the hook, placed your guns and badged on the table beside the hook, and sat down on the couch comfortably. you crossed your legs, your knee up in the air, as spencer sat down with his knee touching the one still on the couch.

"so... how much did i say?" you asked curiously.

"you talked about the emotional and physical abuse, but nothing too in depth," he confirmed.

"when i was young, about 12, my parents got into a minor car accident," you began telling him about your past, trying to recall the memories with little hurt or pain. "they weren't at fault, it was a drunk teenager, but they each got addicted to their pain meds from the hospital. i would be asleep when they would come home from a night out, drunk and high out of their minds. i remember the first night it happened. i wandered in the living room, curious of what the ruckus was, and was greeted by my dad's hand slapping me across my face," you chuckled humorlessly, not knowing what other reaction was appropriate.

"he told me i shouldn't have been up or seen what they were doing. he was furious," you furrowed your brows as tears began to well in your eyes at the memory as spencer gingerly placed his hand comfortingly on your knee, scooting a tad bit closer to you. "after that night it became almost a pattern of his. he would come home and then get upset from his high coming down, and take it out on me. my mom just laughed and watched as he would hit me."

"eventually, they started just belittling me. they would say i was a coward for not standing up for myself. they would say i was stupid, or worthless. they especially liked to call me 'a waste of space,' i think that one was their favorite," you took a shaky, deep breath as you knew you were about to reveal for the first time to anyone what you would do to cope with the abuse.

"eventually i started to believe them. i started to believe the things they said about me. i thought i truly was an ugly, undeserving, piece of garbage," you turned to see spencer's eyes full of tears, mirroring your own. "i would self-harm because i believed them. each night after they were done with their own abuse, i felt so... frustrated. the only way i could get that frustration out was to do that. the scars are still there, taunting me of how weak i was to not just endure the pain," you finished.

you didn't even realize tears were streaming down your eyes until you noticed the few on spencer's cheek. he reached his hand up to wipe the tears on your face, ignoring that of his own.

"you aren't weak, y/n. you are unbelievably strong for getting through that. you have to know how amazing you are," he told you, demanding you to see you the way he saw you.

because the way he saw you, you were beyond perfect. you were so much stronger for going through that. if anything, knowing you went through that made him think you were that much more amazing.

and honestly, the way you were thinking is that when you told spencer, he might think less of you. he might think you were dumb for doing that to yourself, inflicting pain upon your own body to relieve yourself of pain.

that was anything but true.

"s-so you don't think any less of me?" you asked confused, looking into his eyes for any tells of his lying.

"absolutely not. if anything i think you're stronger now that i know what you've endured," he assured you, moving a stray piece of hair behind your ear as he moved even closer to you.

"thank you so much, spencer," you said as you lunged forward, your arms immediately pulling him closer around his neck into a hug.

"you don't need to thank me, y/n," he started as he rubbed circles in your back soothingly. "if it helps anything at all... i think your amazing. i always have, and i always will."

"spencer..." you pulled back and looked into his eyes. "just... i need to tell you one more thing."

"alright," he nodded, prompting you to continue.

"i uhm, i'm in love with you," you bit your lip in anticipation for his response.

he didn't say anything.

he couldn't say anything.

he wanted to say something, but he didn't know how.

he didn't even know if you actually said that, or if you were just a figment of his imagination.

because at this point, he felt so much more for you than love.

he was infatuated with you.

but you read it as rejection, so you quickly unhinged your arms from around his neck and retreated into a ball while on the couch.

"i-i'm sorry," you said after quickly realizing the reality of the situation.

he didn't feel the same.

"you d-don't need to say it back. i shouldn't have sprung that on you. i-i've just felt that way for so long, and i thought that maybe you did too, but i shouldn't have assumed anything. i'm so sorry," you looked at him, waiting for him to say anything. to admit anything.

"oh god, and i just spilled everything to you," you ran your hand through your hair.

silence.

"i think i need to go for a walk," you said, getting up from the couch and rushing out the door after grabbing your coat.

you opted for taking the stairs to run outside, being the quickest option.

spencer was speechless, still sitting on your couch, dumbfounded.

he was overwhelmed with emotions.

you loved him?

he couldn't believe that someone so smart, so beautiful, so kind, so funny, so... everything would ever love him.

and he was too late to say it back.

he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that you loved him, so he just sat there in awe of this revelation.

by the time he realized what you had said, and was ready to say it back, you were already out of the door and down the stairs.

you were walking all too fast with tears flooding your eyesight.

you had just lost the one person you loved the most. the one person who's always there for you. the only person you've felt a connection with. you lost your everything.

by the time spencer ran down the stairs in an attempt to chase you, you were nowhere to be found. he could always call your cell, but he wanted to admit his undying love and affection in person, not over some dumb cellular device.

you didn't know where you were going, just letting your feet take you wherever they pleased. it had been a bit cold and you had left everything at your place, so you began rubbing your arms in search for more friction.

you were walking around a corner when you were pulled into an alley by some random white guy. with a harsh hand on your arm, you whined out quietly from the sudden pain.

you didn't have your gun.

"money! NOW!" he demanded. you stayed there with tears in your eyes, too emotional to speak.

your wallet was back at the house.

"are you too dumb to speak? i said MONEY!" he said, pushing a gun you were now made aware of into your stomach.

"i-i don't have my wallet," you admitted with a shaky voice, tears now streaming down your face faster than before.

the night was supposed to be another night with spencer, watching your favorite show and being with your favorite person. you were supposed to be cuddled up on his couch, probably falling asleep in his arms by now.

and now you were being mugged and were probably going to get hurt in one way or another.

"and why is that, doll?" he pushed the gun further into your lower stomach .

"i-i was in a r-rush. i s-swear i d-don't have anyth-thing!" you stuttered, trying to convince him to let you go.

"too bad... you've already seen my face. let's hope you have a nice nap," he growled before pulling the trigger, a bullet running through your lower stomach.

spencer was near you when the bullet went off. he was walking home.

you didn't even realize it, but you were walking in the direction of your love's own home when you were ambushed.

he heard the gun go off.

he naturally ran into the alley with his gun raised, ready to fire at anyone fleeing the scene. he managed to take the guy down with a single bullet before realizing it was you who was shot.

he quickly grabbed his phone and dialed 911 and demanded an ambulance at the corner of 5th and maine, alerting them that an agent was down.

"Y/N!" he yelled, running to kneel beside your limp body. "please, no..." he pleaded.

he put his hand to your neck in an attempt to find any pulse. there was a weak one. there was that hope again. he pulled you onto his lap, your body now resting atop his.

"stay with me. i-i didn't get to tell you how i felt," he cried as he put pressure on where the blood was coming out.

"sp-spencer?" you asked, barely regaining consciousness.

"it's me, y/n. i'm here," he soothed, running a hand through your hair to move it from your face.

"i'm s-s-sorry," you choked out, feeling your eyelids become heavier by the second.

"no. don't apologize to me," he told you. "i should be apologizing."

"it's n-not... your... fault," you felt your breath coming slower, the weight on your chest becoming unbearable.

"i-if i would've just told you how i felt..." he began thinking about how horrible a mistake he had made.

sirens were nearing, hope was becoming greater. spencer clung to your body tighter than ever as if holding you closer to him would will your heart to beat stronger, even if it was for just a bit longer.

"i-i..." you took another uneven breath, reaching your hand up slowly to wipe a tear from his face. "lo-love..." another breath. "you," you finished, your hand cascading down from his face and falling limp onto spencer’s lap, now accepting your own fate as the ambulance was now right outside the alley.

there was a moment when spencer thought maybe you’d wake up. you’d come back to him. but once they loaded you into the ambulance he had to accept one thing.

he had lost his everything...

@averyhotchner @greenprisca @muffin-cup

[mental-health-advice]

I need an advice and you seem to be like really cool person so that's why I'm asking you lol. First of all -excuse my English.

So let's start.... when i was 14 our class got a new classmate & later we became best friends. like totally best friends. we got in so many trouble together (thats how we became friends basically)  as time was passing i fell in love with him. I was so scared of ruining our relationship but I decided to confess my feelings for him. and he said : I like you as my friend but I love someone else. I wasn't disappointed, actually I was happy that our friendship can continue. i know - I can't speak for him but I feel like he loved me too (sometimes lol) but there’s just some things that happen between us that I can’t wrap my head around. we used smoke weed in school toilets & ended up kissing and telling how much we love each other. The next we pretended like nothing happened. I remember once when he was at my house he brought some x*nax and ate like 5 pills of it & I had two. we slept for HOURS in laying next to each other n cuddling. When i asked him if he's not scared of accidental overd0sing ,he looked straight into my eyes and said something like 'I don't mind if d!e next to u. I'm just realizing now how sick and twisted our relationship was.... long story short story - two weeks before summer holidays, this girl in our school made up some lies about me and he believed her instead of me.... we didn't see each other until I reached out to him & then we met after one year but it was so weird ... we only talked for one hour or so.

last week I was bored af so I just logged into my snapchat account for the first time in almost three years and guess what... he sent me friend request that I didn't know about. I have no clue when he sent it.... it could've been last month but it could've been also 2 years ago...

I'm 20 years old now but I still love him & miss him and I kinda wanna text him and confess my feelings again just to  let him know that I'm always here for him no matter what (even he doesn't love me) ... I just don't know if that's good idea or no.... we haven't talked for 3 years and maybe I should just let him go and forget abt him... But I can't... because you know... what if... What if he still loves me... Ahhh... What would you do? Please help me lol I'm clueless

Hey lovely,

Thank you for reaching out to us. And your English is fine!

So it sounds like a lot has happened between the two of you. When you were younger, your friendship wasn’t always as healthy. I think it’s safe to say it might have been destructive at times. However, growing up is possible and with that, relationships can change too. So it could be possible that you wouldn’t be so destructive now that you’re older. The only way you’ll know that for sure, is by trying out how things go.

What you do is entirely up to you. We can’t make that decision for you. Given that you still have feelings for him after such a long time, that makes me think that those feelings for him are very strong. That’s why I think it might be nice to get back in touch. However, if you do so, it might be good to set some boundaries for yourself. To prevent things from getting as destructive as they used to be. I also personally wouldn’t start with confessing your feelings for him, but instead I’d reach out and get back in touch, start up a friendship again. Then you can see where things go from there. That’s just me though! Like I said, it’s all entirely up to you.

Sometimes when facing difficult decisions, it can really help to write everything down. It gets it out of your system and it can help clear your thoughts. Has writing it down to us done that for you? If not yet, it can also help to write down pros and cons to both decisions. You can even divide the pros and cons into short term and long term. In the end, the long term ones matter most. You can give each pro/con a value to see how it all weighs up against each other. And then you can make a decision based on that. This is a very rational way of decision making though. It’s also completely okay to just go with what you feel is right.

I hope this helped! Let us know if there’s anything else we can do to be of help.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[kalee60]

Subliminal Advertising (snippet) The Rise of Darcy...

Soooo... I don't generally do sequels per se - but, I had so many wonderful people ask about Darcy and what happened to her at the end of the fic... And the lovely @marvel-fanfic-recs sent me a picture of a deliciously punny product from Finland and, well, this small snippet just fell out of my brain...

If you haven't read Subliminal Advertising - click here (this will probably make more sense if you’ve read it first! Warning though, it’s a bit longer than this... like 20 times almost 😉)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Bucky snapped off a photo and giggling like mad, flicked it off to Darcy.

“Really, babe?” Steve asked as he grabbed pasta sauce off the shelf, Bucky grinning in return. There was something glorious about shopping with Steve, instead of being a crazy stalker who couldn’t string two sentences together, yelling words at Steve’s gorgeous face.

“Absolutely, she shouldn’t have said anything if she wanted to pine in peace.” He retorted and put the sauce back on the shelf Steve had grabbed, replacing it with one that was infused with herbs and garlic. 

Steve shook his head in exasperation at Bucky’s pickiness in sauce, then with a soft smile said, “so she slept with the guy, leave her be. Which one is he anyway?”

“He’s a few aisles over, and it was hardly a one-night stand,” Bucky scoffed, although they’d been dating for months now, clearly Steve had no idea how he and Darcy worked as friends.

DarcyLewis&TheNews: Fuck off!!!!!! I don’t care...

OneBuckToRideThisTrain: What you don’t like Almond joys all of a sudden?

DarcyLewis&TheNews: Get me a pack, and is he there?

DarcyLewis&TheNews: Actually I don’t care

Bucky laughed and pocketed his phone, looking into the basket at the chocolate whose wrappers declared, ‘Sometime you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t’ it was perfect.

“She’ll replace all your sugar with salt again, or worse this time,” Steve warned and Bucky just shrugged it off, leaning up to kiss Steve’s cheek, who turned his head and caught Bucky’s bottom lip between his teeth and pressed just so, and Bucky tried not to whine into it. God he loved this man.

“She shouldn’t have slept with him then. More than once.”

A few weeks earlier, Bucky and Darcy had dressed up and headed out to their local Irish bar where she'd met a nameless man, who she’d taken back to her apartment. The following week, the same nameless man had appeared in the early hours leaving her front door, and the week previous the still nameless man had made it to breakfast before leaving.

“I can’t believe she never found out his name, she really likes him right?” Steve chuckled, his hand placed on the small of Bucky’s back, pressing him forward, and yes please, Bucky loved when Steve steered him around, pushed him places, told him where he wanted him to go. They’d discovered so much about each other in the space of a few months and Steve delivered on every single fantasy Bucky could dream up. Though the official go-to move of Steve holding him against the wall and fucking him hard, was impossible to beat. Couldn’t be beaten in his mind. Steve was just… a lot. And all Bucky’s.

"She said it got too awkward to ask again because she forgot it almost immediately, and yeah, she digs him. Hey, we should totally be buying this in bulk,” Bucky sassed as he threw a three pack of lube into the basket, and loved how Steve flushed. For such a big dominant guy, he sure was sweet. 

“We at your place or mine this week?” Steve asked as they started down the next aisle and Bucky had been thinking about that exact same thing a lot recently. The way they spent every night together but still had separate apartments, he was ready to take the next step, although still wary that it was too early, too new for them.

“Yours, oh crap, hang on, this one is brilliant,” Bucky took a shot of a Cambell’s soup tin, the words ‘Mmm, mmm, good’ front and centre and sent it to Darcy.

“She’ll also hide all your toilet paper or put itching powder through it,” Steve warned for the second time. “I’m not going to scratch your ass if it’s burning.”

“I think we should move in together.” Bucky blurted, and it was too much, his face burned red, so hot it hurt and he grabbed the first product he found to read the back intently.

“Itching your butt makes you want to move in with me? I’m… flattered. Also, we are not buying canned ham. That’s not going in our pantry.”

Bucky dropped the ham, “our pantry?”

“Jesus, you’re thick. Lucky I love you,” Steve said and pulled him in close, kissing Bucky with intent, tongue pressing in deep, making Bucky gasp for breath. “Maybe grab another three pack of lube and yes, I want to move in together, have for ages.”

“Oh…” Bucky replied dazed from the kiss combined with Steve’s words. His phone chirped.

DarcyLewis&TheNews: You are the worst friend in the world

OneBuckToRideThisTrain: That’s a no to soup? It’s on special...

DarcyLewis&TheNews: Cream of chicken

They finally made it to the last section and Steve started to peruse the meats, when something caught Bucky’s eye in the ‘smallgoods of the world’ area. Laughing, he couldn’t stop himself, taking another photo while ignoring the groan from Steve, who’d grabbed the biggest parcel of bacon he could (good boy). 

“This is on your head, you know that right?” Steve stated and wandered off to the bread section while Bucky giggled like a ten year old over the packaging he’d just found.

“Yeah, yeah,” and Bucky looked up and caught the eyes of the dark haired man who’d somehow slunk up next to him. Blue/green eyes opened in surprised recognition as they met each other’s gaze.

“Err, hey,” the man said in a deep British accent, making Bucky grin.

“Hey,” he replied, smirk firmly in place, loving the slightly panicked look he was receiving.

“Small world, right,” the man finally settled on with a small self deprecating laugh. “Look, I hope you don’t think I’m a... well, a scoundrel, to Darcy...”

“A scoundrel no, very brave, yes.”

“Brave?” the man replied, the hint of a confused smile on his pale face.

“You’ll find out. Look, if for some reason I happened to say ten random numbers in an order, would you maybe ignore them, or put them in your phone?”

The man tucked a strand of long dark, almost black hair behind his ear and smiled fully, and Bucky was slightly taken aback, he looked almost sinister in a very, well, a very sexy way. He could see why Darcy liked him. He pulled a phone from his pocket and looked at Bucky expectandly. So Bucky recited the numbers by heart and at the man’s thanks he nodded his head once, like he’d done a service to the community.

They went their separate ways and with a pleased smile, he found Steve staring at where he’d just been.

“Huh, I didn’t know you knew him?”

“What? Who?”

“That man you were chatting to, that’s Thor’s brother, you know, Thor from the gym. I can't remember his name."

“Oh, you are kidding me,” Bucky cracked up, Darcy had the biggest crush on Thor, until she’d met Jane, his wife. It was too much, it was brilliant, it was serendipity. “Hang on, hang on, I have one more photo to send.”

Steve rubbed a hand over his face, completely done with Bucky’s antics, but when Bucky slipped his hand into Steve’s large one, the blonde melted and tugged him in closer.

DarcyLewis&TheNews: Okay, I will actually pay that one - that’s good

OneBuckToRideThisTrain: Might be sooner than you think...

The sliced pork from Finland stating, ‘from the taste, you remember it’. Only made even more perfect because Darcy had no idea what was about to happen, and she’d definitely be remembering his name soon.

“Come on are you done?” Steve asked and pulled him towards the checkout, Bucky following with a happy grin on his face. He’d got one up on his best friend and he was going to be moving in with his boyfriend. 

“Yup,” he replied, hearing his phone go off again, and looked at the screen.

“I’m taking that away when we get home and you’re not getting it back until you’re too exhausted to use it again.”

Bucky swallowed and looked up at Steve with wide eyes, seeing the promise reflected in dark blue ones. Bucky would never look at his phone again if it meant Steve taking control until he couldn’t move.

DarcyLewis&TheNews: What the fuck, you gave him my number?? 

DarcyLewis&TheNews: I’m going to kill you

DarcyLewis&TheNews: Jesus - I can’t date a man called Loki...

DarcyLewis&TheNews: ONE date, that’s it… I swear Barnes - I’ll get you back.

DarcyLewis&TheNews: Thanks <3

Putting his phone in his back pocket, Bucky helped Steve package up their groceries, before heading across the road to Steve’s apartment; where Bucky was hoping to go through at least two tubes of lube that night, maybe make a start on the third.

His life was pretty darn perfect.

[corvixa]

Update to the Gold Universe!

Things are definitely coming along for Ashes.

Which, btw is kind off the 1st part of a 2 part story.

I mean, they're all part of the Gold Universe, so they are all linked, and Ashes continues directly from Silver. But Ashes and [REDACTED] are planned as a one-two punch. More plot-plot beyond wanting to punch certain people. Although there is always time in [REDACTED]. Stuff It follows on from Silver, as I don't like not typing up my plots in neat little bows.

My health is still tanked, so I'm going to be working in Gold's Universe a while longer; hopefully, the next part won't take as long to complete!

My Heath dips, pain levels increase.

Somewhere, Tony has this thought appear in his mind.

Utterly not my fault that this Universe is my go-to for extreme insomnia and pain flares. Kinda is my fault for what I put the poor dear through. 😅

If you are reading this and are unfamiliar with the Gold Universe, here's a sum up.

One night, after not sleeping for 4 days in a row. I started writing something from Steve's perspective. This series is not Cap Friendly. If you read and enjoy this universe, feel free to add a description you would give to a new reader that would both tempt and warn, whilst not spoilering. Because I can't work out a good one, but I haven't slept in 58 hours, and I'm getting sleepy.

Part 1, Desires was written over the course of 20 solid hours, then I passed out and wondered what the feck I had written in the depths of insomnia. (Dark Shit, apparently). It is set 5 years post-Siberia, you get a glimpse of a dystopian Hydra ruled world before people mysteriously start dying.

Part 2 is Glitter & Gold. Which actually runs concurrently with Desires but from a different perspective that was blitzed during another insomnia binge.

Part 3, in part 2, Everyone wanted to know who Silver was. This Part 3 was born, named Silver. This goes back and forth from the future to the past, possibly the darkest of the three. I can't really explain much without spoilering 1 and 2, so these descriptions are getting tricky.

Part 4 is what we have here. Ashes, it continues directly on from a frankly, kind of cliff hanger I dropped on people's heads. The Story was done, so there is that. It was just a lil reveal? Blame Insomnia me. It is her fault. I immediately started writing Part 4, but it took a little longer as my health had a considerable up-tick and I was deeply writing the giant "James Grand Fae Adventure" arc of Death's Merchant. But, as it does, my health dipped again, so I'm back! I finished up. Someone offered to Beta! Which is pretty required when I write these on 4 days of no sleep, with pain meds and still a ton of pain. Add that to this dyslexic disaster who wrote everything on a phone? Yeah, I'm beyond glad I have a beta now. Ashes has a similar format to Silver and continues our timeline forward with glimpses into the past, telling Silver's story.

Part 5 [REDACTED] will continue directly from the end of Ashes. It might have a flashback, but it is primarily going to be written in the present tense. As I did during the others, there will be options for how things progress in this fic. It'll make sense when you have read Ashes.

There are 6 more parts of this Universe planned.

11 Stories.

Each posted over 11 days.

Yeah, That's about it. Summing up this series is kind of tricky. Morally grey? Part of it is my take of what Hydra did after the Winter Soldiers, sans overt torture.

Enter H.E.A.P.

Hydra's Experimental Asset Program.

Better known to the inhabitants of this world as-

The Charnel House

[fluffydragon22]

2.8 : The Growth of The Orchid

"Yo dude, can you tell me what will happen today?" I asked the observer on that Thursday morning.

"You will meet somebody? I guess." Observer gave a bit of shrug while answering my question.

"You are absolutely correct on that one buddy!" I told him.

"I appreciate it. But i believe that's not the answer that you looked for, is it?" The observer asked me back.

"You got me there. But let me guess, you don't want to answer it?" I asked him back.

"Don't get it wrong, i will tell you if i could. But the rule is, everything that's going to happen cannot be told. That's how an observer works. Except, i can give you some kind of motivation or warning." He answered my question with his usual deep, calm voice.

"Yeah i understand. Well, wish me luck today." I said.

"Good luck Adrian. I will be back later tonight. See you around." He said, then proceeded to vanish into the air.

It was still very early in the morning. But i slept early the night before so i managed to wake up two hours before my usual time. The sky was still dark. I could even see the stars on the east side of the horizon. My cat was purring on her bed right near my table. It was a peaceful, early morning.

Perhaps the observer was right. It's better to not know anything that will happen. Imagine if you know that you are going to get hit by a car on your way to a grocery store, but you can't do anything to prevent it. So, you have to change your whole plan, how messy it will be, right?

So on that Thursday, i tried to clean my head from any expectations that might arise. Actually i didn't expect anything to happen, but this would be the first time i see Lily after a very long 6 months since we knew each other.

"I wonder what will happen today." I whispered to myself.

--

I left my place at 2 pm, as usual, i drove the car from the garage all the way to the front gate. Then i proceeded to go to the highway. My first destination was of course, Downtown.

On the red light, i received a message from Lily saying that she prefered the place to be outside of the town, or at least on the outskirts of the town.

"Glad i haven't made any reservation yet." I said as i put the phone under the car's radio.

Then i decided to go to the south. After about 150 meters since leaving the city limit sign, i found a large McDonalds store. Since i haven't tried any fastfood for about one year, i decided that this would be the place. I opened my phone and texted her.

"I found a McDonalds close to your home. It's not in the downtown so i guess this would be a nice place. Is it okay for you?" Then i hit the send button.

"Sounds good, i'll be there in 20 minutes." She replied.

I stayed inside the car while waiting for her. Then out of nowhere, the observer appeared behind me.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked me.

I accidentally threw my phone because i was shocked to hear his voice The phone set to land on the passenger seat beside me but my goalkeeper skill appeared suddenly and the phone ended up on the dashboard before falling to the floor.

"Oh my God! Thanks man, thanks for that, now i know that my car's dashboard and the phone had the similar strength." I said to him.

"Not my fault though." He said innocently.

"Of course of course. You said you would appear on the night, so why on earth did you appear on 2.45pm?" I asked him, annoyed with how he just showed up out of nowhere.

"I never said i can't show up other than at night, right?" He answered, still in innocent tone.

"Yeah whatever. Anyway, yes i'm sure about this. We will just meet and have a little bit of talk. What's wrong with that?" I answered his initial question.

"Ye nothing wrong with it. But..." He stopped suddenly.

"Huh? But what?" I asked him.

"Nevermind. Good luck out there. She's nearby. I'll see you soon." He answered then vanished into the air again.

--

As soon as i saw Lily arrived, i quickly got out of the car. After a quick greetings to each other, we went into the McDonalds together. We both decided to choose the standard menu plus two ice creams. After getting our menu, we went upstairs and sat on the opposite side of the stairs so we could enjoy the view on the streets.

"This is the first time i'm here. I've never been to this McDonalds before." I said, opening the conversation.

"Haha me too." She answered while eating her food.

10 minutes went by with hardly any conversation between us. The second floor of the McDonalds were relatively empty. Only two other couples sitting near the stairs and near the children playground. The sun was shining and started to fall behind the buildings across our place. The car's engine sounds filled the air. Sometimes i could hear some V8 engine noises coming from the far side of the street.

"Adrian, may i ask you something?" Lily asked me, suddenly.

"Oh sure thing." My automatic response came out because i was busy looking at the streets when she asked me.

"If you knew that someone has a feeling for you, would you accept them?" She asked me, while eating her ice cream.

"Umm, accept them? Can you explain it more? Please." I was a bit confused with her question.

"Would you accept their feeling, or would you just ignore it?" She said after a bit of long pause.

"It depends on the person, i guess." I answered. My voice started to get a bit awkward, my hand was vibrating.

"Well, okay then. But here's the thing. I've asked you a couple of times through the messages about this kind of thing, and i don't get the clear answer. So can i explain it to you, today?" She asked me, nervously.

"Uhh, i guess you can go on." I said, trying to understand what she said.

"I like you, even though we rarely meet. But the way you talk in messages, the way you solve things, how well you managed until now, i like them all. It must be weird to hear me saying this but will you be with me? I don't care about the answer whether it's yes or no. The thing is, i have told you what i felt in the shortest way possible. If it's a no from you, i want you to forget everything that happened today. If it's a yes, then will you hold my hand?" She gave a brief, short explanation but covered almost everything really well. I admire that capability.

"Give me sometime to think, okay?" I answered.

"No problem, take your time." She said.

--

"I will hold your hand while saying, yes, Lily. I want to be with you. Thanks for opening something i couldn't do." I gave an answer, after about 10 minutes of thinking. I slowly spread one of my hand so i can hold her hand.

"This is not a dream, is it, Adrian?" She asked, with the eyes full of spark.

"No, Lily. This is a reality. A very happy reality for us, i guess." I answered while smiling at her.

"I love you, Adrian." Lily said as she held my hand strongly.

"I love you, too, Lily." I said, while holding a bit of pain due to the strength of her grip.

--

We spent the rest of the afternoon until 6 pm talking about almost everything. I could sense a pure happiness from her, even until she disappeared from my sight.

Later on that night, the observer didn't show up. Throughout the next few months, i spent my time without meeting him. But Lily was there, everyday. Sometimes i felt like i've forgotten the existence of the observer because i was so busy talking, laughing, and doing other stuff with her.

My loneliness drifted me away and pushed me to take every chance i had to be with another person. It didn't look so bad in the beginning. But it took more than just words to keep it afloat, which, obviously could lead to some kind of troubles at the later part. But i was keen to learn more about Lily, and about how i should behave towards her, in the middle of my struggle.

Days went by, weeks came and go, my love for her only grew stronger and stronger. But i didn't know yet, about how the fate would shape our relationship. So i was holding onto the hope that things would turn out to be okay and way better than before.

[reasonableapproximation]

Okay so suspend doesn't work well out of the box. It has two problems. One is that it wakes up when I close the lid, which is not what I want. Plausibly if I set it to go to sleep when I close the lid, that would be fine? But I'd want to open it again to make sure it had slept, and then if I closed it again, maybe it would wake? Idk, I don't like that. This is a hard problem to google, because the results are all about people saying their laptops don't sleep when you close them.

The other is that battery drain while suspended is weirdly high, like 20% overnight. There's a thread on the community forums where people track this down to the USB-A expansion ports (and others, but not USB-C), and indeed I just pulled those out and only got 2% drain over a few hours on my personal one. This comment hints at disabling them before sleep, but I haven't looked at that in any depth. I think the comment two down from Nils is saying it doesn't seem to work.

(Also I can't wake on keypress which I think I'd like, I have to press the power key or close the lid.)

My personal one doesn't have the battery charging/discharging notifications, and I noticed those happen on the work one even while it's still charging. (I had thought it might be something like "when full it's normal to swap between those states, and the bug is that the notification handler doesn't deal with that gracefully". But clearly not.) So I expect something is up with the hardware, first guess would be a janky USB connector but I should try powering through a different port. If other ports have the same issue, second guess is a janky battery connector.

My laptop is coming up on eight years old, I got it in November 2013. And it's definitely feeling it, even emacs is laggy. (Possibly mode-dependent, but I'm not doing anything fancy.) Mostly I haven't done this yet out of laziness. Money is also part of it even though realistically I have enough money that I don't really need to worry about buying a new laptop. Also, since I don't own a car I do kind of enjoy having one thing where I can say "no one could make this thing run except me". And I have some amount of Buridan's ass going on where I also need a new phone (less than two years old! but the touchscreen has some dead space) and don't know which to prioritize so I don't do either.

But there's also a few specific things making me pause right now:

Apparently there's a global chip shortage? That might be making laptops more expensive than normal. Again though, I don't really need to care.

The M1 processor seems really cool? If I can run linux on something with one of those, that would be great. Not sure what support is like yet, or whether there are (in the forseeable future) going to be non-Apple laptops with an M1 or a comparable processor that doesn't yet (afaik) exist. I could get an Apple laptop and put linux on it I guess, but I don't want to use OS X.

I like the Framework in theory, a laptop designed to be upgradeable in place. I'd be a bit concerned about the number of ports - you can only have four at once, and power/external monitor would take two of those. After that, I sometimes want two USB ports even though I have a hub, and I sometimes want an SD (or at least microSD) card reader. This would only occasionally be annoying, I think it's probably fine. But they're not shipping to the UK yet.

So between those I think I have a good reason to wait a few more months and then look again. But I also think I've been waiting a few more months for some time now.