#The second example is mostly caused by repetition so it's best to always come up w smth new for him or he'll grow bored Eventually

[silenthillmutual]

daniil dankovsky is autistic and here’s why:

because i’m autistic and i said so

i kid, obviously. what sort of autistic person would i be if i wasn’t read to back up my silly little claim with an overly long post of evidence a total of three people will read? (hi ned hi jordan hi raven :))

i’m aware that this is cringey because adults aren’t supposed to have autism or interests or talk about either of those things, but this is my blog and you are free to block me if the cringe is too much for you.

these are some things i picked out from the DSMV’s diagnostic criteria, found on the CDC website:

deficits in social-emotional reciprocity

reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect

abnormal social approach

abnormalities in eye contact and body language

defecits in […] understand[ing] relationships

difficults adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts

repetitive motor movements or speech

rigid thinking patterns

highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus

hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input

there’s also some misc. stuff not in the diagnostic criteria (though it may be in the adir or gars-3) i thought was worth noting.

important note from the diagnostic criteria: “symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning”. i’d say that in his case, they do.

spoilers for pathologic classic, pathologic 2, and the marble nest

deficits in social-emotional reciprocity

in bachelor route of classic, daniil

seems completely oblivious to eva making advances toward him, to the point where she complains to him that he’s ignoring her in favor of asking questions about simon.

seems surprised when people mention maria being in love with him, despite outright asking her a couple of times if she’s flirting with him.

not to mention the fact that he asks her that at all.

his inability or resistence to making connections with others is typically considered one of his character flaws. although it is not outright stated in the dsmv criteria, one trait of autism and other neurodivergencies is “having extremely high or extremely low empathy” - and daniil, despite being a doctor, lacks empathy. which is not to say he doesn’t care at all. i think that he does, but is terrible at showing it.

for example, this scene from marble nest:

Sticky: You must feel terrible… right? That’s fine. I forgive you. You just got confused… Adults always do. Daniil: Oh yes, adults are always occupied with the most asinine nonsense. Like feeling anxious that a bunch of urchins keep roaming the streets, putting themselves in mortal danger!

daniil clearly cares about sticky’s wellbeing (and the wellbeing of the kids looking after him, though he’s not cognizant that he’s in a coma), but his way of showing it is… kind of by being a jerk. all of which bleeds into the next item on the list

reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect

he has no problem sharing his interests, but in both pathologic classic & pathologic 2, daniil speaks with a flat affect - which is to say that he lacks intonation. the words we read him saying may be dramatic or come across as passionate, but the actual voice reading his lines is very monotone, which may contribute to being read as lacking emotion.

and in pathologic 2, he has a voiceline lamenting not telling “her” (eva?) how he felt

in marble nest, he’s teased by the tragedians for being “heartless”:

Tragedian: Maybe. Possibly. But it’s useless to explain to a heartless man. …Take heart, Excellency! If you ever find it, that is. And then come back to us… Even though it all sounds like a rather implausible turn of events.

abnormal social approach

daniil has a tendency to say things that are tactless, odd, or just socially inappropriate. i probably don’t need to point out too many examples, as i think it’s fairly obvious - these are the things people love to pick at when it comes to him, but i do have a few in mind. like, for example, from haruspex route in classic:

Haruspex: What of the antibodies essential for making a serum? Bachelor: I don’t know for sure yet, I’ll send you a report in a few hours. Don’t go about cutting people’s hearts out for your panacea until then. It’s a… controversial solution, you know… Haruspex: What?! Do you even hear yourself? Bachelor: Sorry! I meant no offence… it was just a momentary lapse of… well, you know. Haruspex: None taken.

until artemy points out, daniil doesn’t seem to be aware he just said something rude. even with therapy, picking up on social cues doesn’t come naturally to people with autism, so we tend to say things that come across as rude or strange to others without realizing we’ve put them off. we tend to lack a “filter” that tells us when things are or are not appropriate to say. even when we may recognize it, the rules may not make any sense to us. for example, it makes very little sense that allistics favor politeness over honesty.

i think the glaringly obvious abnormal social approach in pathologic 2 is him threatening to hold artemy at gunpoint to get in the house, which is just overkill, but my personal favorite comes on day 7, when he’s complaining about the orders aglaya has given him. artemy stops him to say he doesn’t understand what daniil wants from him, to which daniil replies:

From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.

to daniil, they were just having a normal conversation. but some part of this - his tone or his words or maybe even his body language - didn’t give artemy the impression that this was supposed to be a regular conversation. (we could, in fact, attribute the same idea to artemy here; why didn’t artemy pick up that this was a normal conversation? the reason i count it towards daniil is because artemy doesn’t seem to have this problem with anybody else. for the record: i don’t think artemy is neurotypical either.)

abnormalities in eye contact and body language

it’s hard to get proof of this in video games, but i will say i think it’s very funny that in pathologic 2 daniil’s idle animations are “pacing”, “sitting like he desperately wants to start bouncing his knees but is stopping himself from doing it”, and “standing unnaturally still” - but there you go. i don’t know anything about making gifs, or i’d gif this one specific talk menu idle he does where he holds eye contact for about three seconds, looks away uncomfortably, and then looks back out of the corner of his eyes.

deficits in […] understand[ing] relationships

mostly examples from his route in classic:

when the army arrives, he can claim to block that aglaya, whom he’s known for two days, is his best friend

he seems baffled by the fact that everone is smitten with maria and working with her, and seems equally baffled by the idea that she’s smitten with him

despite eva implying on day two that she is in a relationship with andrey, is completely blindsided by the revelation on day 6, asking him, “How in the world is she ‘your woman’?”

i’d also like to use his sign-off on his letter to artemy, day 2 of the haruspex route - he signs it as “Your friend (hopefully)”. i know i’m not the only autistic person who used to ask people if we were friends or not. pro tip, if you’ve never done this: don’t. it really weirds people out.

difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts

the fact that he stands out is blatantly obvious even in pathologic 2 and in the haruspex route of classic. people will comment on him being an outsider and mention that they don’t trust him. but you can watch it happen in real time in his route, because he never fully acclimates to the town. he says something about this to aglaya on day 7:

Bachelor: Was there any particularly notable backstory? I’m deadly tired of all these people. They’re inhuman. They tell the future, believe in walking zombies, and die in all manners of painfully abnormal ways. Inquisitor: Your line of t hinking is obviously falacious - and I was implying something rather mundane. I promise you, no one can really tell the future around here: and neither are deaths inspired by third parties uncommon. Mysterious phenomenons do occur here sometimes… but hardly more often than anywhere else.

actually, there’s an example of him saying something similar to artemy on day 5 in pathologic 2:

Damn this town… I feel I’m trapped in a nightmare. The absurdity of it all… There’s no one to talk to. Everyone’s so volatile. They all seem to want to help, but… their help is worse than hostility.

some of this can be explained by the town’s strangeness, but keep in mind that the first instance happens after he’s been there and involved in the ongoing for an entire week, and the second at nearly a week in. clearly he’s struggling to adjust to the changes.

it’s also worth noting that his reason for fleeing the town in the nocturnal ending?

I have no place here anymore.

This town is no longer mine. No longer human. No longer rational. It doesn’t… accept the likes of me anymore.

repetitive motor movements or speech

it’s harder to see the motor movements in classic, but remember how i pointed out earlier that he paces? pacing is a form of stimming. murky, who is canonically autistic, can also be found pacing as one of her idle animations. having stock phrases for characters to speak when you come near them already ticks off the box on “repetitive speech”, but that by itself doesn’t really cover what they’re talking about - echolalia.

but you know what this does fit with? “‘quoting’ things(communication is HARD! sometimes we need to take shortcuts and use someone else’s words)“

i’ll get to the more obvious example in a minute - i want to point out something that happens very early in pathologic 2 first. you know how you first meet him and artemy accuses daniil of trying to guilt-trip him by asking if it’s true that isidor would still be alive if artemy had come sooner? keep in mind that he spoke to rubin first. and this is what rubin says, when you get a chance to talk to him:

Yesterday, I was told you had killed your father.

That’s not far from the truth, Burakh.

You betrayed him. You left when he needed you most. He cried out for your help, but you didn’t care. He was in peril, and you were too busy elsewhere, He believed, truly believed, that your arrival would put an end to his troubles. And, as always, he was right.

i’m not saying this was necessarily the game’s intent, but it’s entirely possible daniil is parroting back to artemy exactly what rubin said to him.

now, for what you’re probably expecting in this section: the latin. people love to refer to his use of latin as “random”, so let’s clear that up:

it is not latin daniil has made up. with the exception of latin that is mispelled in the game’s texts, all of them are proverbs or otherwise common sayings. you can find most of them on the wikipedia list of latin phrases, or through a 3-second google search.

he’s a doctor. him having taken latin isn’t anymore strange than a lawyer taking latin. in fact, if you pay attention, artemy also took latin; this is implied when artemy tells him he’s always sucked at it.

his uses of latin actually aren’t random at all. what he says fits the situation, and sometimes is used in place of him having to come up with something to say on his own.

prime example:

Forget it, Burakh. I have a splitting headache. If you have no urgent business, then we’ll talk later. Later, later… Qui non proficit, deficit.

qui non proficit, deficit - he who does not advance, loses ground. in other words, “i’m sorry, but i really do need to keep working.” one of his voice lines.

as for why he doesn’t translate the latin: it probably wouldn’t even occur to him to. these are not obscure sayings. the utopians all have a certain degree of education - what would he need to translate them for?

this bleeds into something that isn’t really mentioned, but that i’ve found i have a lot of trouble with in everyday life. autistic people have a tendency to either overexplain (and then have everyone get mad at you because they feel you’re being condescending) or underexplain (and have everyone get mad at you because you haven’t explained anything). the latin would be a case where it feels like a justified underexplanation. you’ll notice that when it comes to anything scientific, he tends to do the reverse, and overexplain. this also happens in classic, whether artemy has asked him to clarify or not.

rigid thinking patterns

the thing i had marked for this was simply his strict adherence to western medical practices and refusal to acknowledge the supernatural, even when it seems obvious - he has a conversation in his route in classic with yulia about this, and that is in fact how he manages to get to her: by asking saburov if there are any other logical skeptics in town. it should be noted they seem to be breaking with this in pathologic 2, where one of his voicelines is “I’m no positivist. There are things in this world beyond our mundane perception.” i have no idea where they’re planning on going with that.

there’s also a quote floating somewhere around twitter about him having been raised by a military man, and militaries tend to enforce very rigid routines. you could say the same thing of block - who (in classic at least) i also have my suspicions about.

highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus

special interests. the one that should obviously come to mind is thanatology, though i would argue latin if not classics in general is a special interest of his as well - in addition to his usage of latin, he also references pericles in the marble nest and was probably refering to the roman occupation of haruspicy in addition to augurs in the same text. he also makes references to shakespeare more than once in both marble nest and pathologic 2.

hyper- or hyperoreactivity to sensory input

i don’t have much written down for this one but there seem to be several places in classic especially where he asks npcs to stop shouting at him. we don’t really have the privilege to know their volume or how they’re interacting with him, but i think it’s also worth noting that he’s the only one of the healers who wears gloves. in pathologic 2 he’s the only named character i can think of who wears them at all. his thing in the lucid dream about the brain being “a border”? gloves are his border, as is his jacket, which may be worn to cut down on sensory issues.

he will also sometimes seem to “overreact” to the situation at hand - such as in classic, when some dogheads mispeak and say that daniil is going to “sterilize” them, and instead of understanding that they must have mispoken, freaks out over the idea that they think they’re going to be… well… sterilized. or in haruspex route, when his reaction to the inquisitor arriving is to threaten suicide.

miscellaneous

he never goes anywhere without that carpet bag. we don’t see it in pathologic 2, but we do hear about it and he doesn’t let it go for a second in classic - not even in the cutscenes where he’s using the microscope. his bag could be a comfort item.

“getting very attached to things like inanimate objects” could work for the bag - but you know what it actually fits the bill much more obviously? the polyhedron. in the haruspex route he recognizes that it’s a lost cause, but he’s still too attached to it to let it go.

in classic at least, daniil is absolutely terrible at lying. most autistic people either are not good at lying, or feel uncomfortable or anxious with having to lie. when he’s asked by yulia and the kids in the polyhedron to lie to block (for different reasons) he’s clearly uncomfortable with the idea that it’ll work. and when it actually comes time to come up with a way to lie to block about why he needs five rifles, your options are to either buckle and tell him the truth, or simply say that you need them for “self-defense”. block believes that you’re not lying to him, but daniil can’t come up with any embeleshments to explain why he needs what he’s asking for.

Commander: Are you hiding something from me? Bachelor: No.

he comes across as naive to other characters. in classic, capella has a voiceline saying, “The Bachelor is not smart. Intelligent, yes… but not smart.” in Pathologic 2, Daniil complains that Aglaya takes him for “a useless dreamer”. he’s also easily used by the Kains to fulfill their endgame in classic.

my final, and absolute favorite: he takes things way too literally. autistic people (and adhd people, from my understanding) have a hard time differentiating jokes and sarcasm. so my favorite moment in marble nest is a case of him taking that earlier advice - to “take heart” literally, by bringing the tragedians a literal human heart:

Tragedian: Oh… Excellency. What a sordid sight! Sorry for underestimating you. You definitely do have… how shall I put it… a creative touch. But this is pure madness. You can’t take things so literally! Daniil: You wanted me to come back to you with an open heart. Well, here I am. …It looked too fitting to be a coincidence.

your mind map, after this, updates to say “I misunderstood the tragedians.”

conclusion

people don’t stop being autistic with age and i think he’s a good example of what it’s like to be in your late 20s and be autistic. i’m sure i missed things as i haven’t finished haruspex route of classic yet and there may just be some other things he does or says that i missed! if anyone has anything to add they think fits i would love to know, thank you for your time :)

[veryvincible]

Ive seen a few blogs talking about Tony Stark with OCD and I was wondering what your thoughts on it were? I know it's not canon but would it be an okay headcanon?

Oh, goodness. This is a doozy.

First of all, I do want to give the obligatory "any headcanon is okay" when it comes to stuff like this, because some people do pick up comfort characters that aren't exactly like them and then use headcanons to push their characterization around until they become a more efficient catharsis vessel, and there's really nothing wrong with that in a space where characters are pushed around all the time anyway. Your headcanons are yours, and you interact with media how it best suits you. Just don't go talking like this is The Way The Character Absolutely Definitely Is, because not only is that misleading, but also it's kind of stepping on other people who need different headcanons for other reasons.

Now that that's out of the way.

You've come to the right place! I have actually been diagnosed with OCD and have been dealing with it now for a long, long while; funnily enough, the OCD is what led me to worry about the OCD, which is what led me to research the OCD in-depth for many, many years. Not to brag or anything. B) Like, literally not to brag, because it's a mental illness. Anyway, jokes aside.

I'm going to go by the DSM-5 and personal experience with the diagnostic process for now. I know some people have their gripes with the DSM, but it's what we're going with.

Before that, though, I do want to lay some things down here. Though it's not outlined by the DSM exactly, it's common among mental health professionals and people with OCD to categorize different symptoms based on causes of OCD. Because OCD is inherently ego-dystonic, your intrusive thoughts are going to attack whatever it is you care about most-- people with primarily contaminant symptoms might fear illness, people with primarily aggressive symptoms might fear hurting others, etc. There's no standard for what these categories are, really. Different places teach different things, and some people disregard them entirely. But it's good to know they're out there, some examples being contaminant and aggressive OCD as mentioned before, as well as pathologic doubt/completeness, religion, self-control, and superstition. There are more, less, or different categories depending on where you look, so we can just leave that there.

Now, onto the actual diagnostic criteria.

In order to be diagnosed with OCD, you need the presence of obsessions OR compulsions, OR both. So, you kind of don't need the whole set to have OCD, though it's argued that some people view "primarily obsessive" and "primarily compulsive" types of OCD as... plain old OCD. "Pure O OCD" especially has been criticized, as its based entirely on the concept of compulsions being in one's head as opposed to external, which then raises the question of whether or not we're defining mental illness by the sufferers or the observers. Regardless, this is what the current DSM says: obsessions, compulsions, or both.

They must be time-consuming (>1hr/day), cause clinically significant distress, or cause impairment in social, occupational, or other areas of functioning. So, could you be considered OCD if you're perfectly functional to the outside world but dysfunctional psychologically? Yes! Could you be considered OCD if you're mostly okay with the compulsions (often seen in people who believe their compulsions are rational responses to rational fears), but you can't function in day-to-day life? Yes! OCD is defined by how it affects you, and there are so, so many ways that it can do that.

The symptoms of OCD can't be caused by physiological effects of substance abuse or other medical conditions.

The disturbance cannot be better explained by the symptoms of another disorder (i.e. if excessive worries are better explained by an anxiety disorder, you're more likely to be diagnosed with something along the lines of GAD; if your difficulty discarding possessions is more in line with a hoarding disorders, you're more likely to be diagnosed with a hoarding disorder). One thing I would like to mention here is that this is often where the DSM breaks down when it comes to practice rather than theory. I'd like to specifically outline the example under this segment of the DSM that refers to "guilty ruminations, as in major depressive disorder". By these guidelines, would you be able to have both MDD and OCD if your OCD has mostly intrusive symptoms?

Well, yes, actually. There's a lot of discourse surrounding it, but here's the thing. Diagnosis is something meant to put you into a category so you can either seek treatment or get accommodations. For mental illnesses, physical illnesses... anything. This is it. I myself have both MDD and OCD, and part of why this is, is because there's an overlap between symptoms... but that's all it is. An overlap, borderlining comorbidity. And there are plenty of people who have similar diagnoses.

You'll see why I'm bringing this up in a second.

Let's go back to the diagnostic criteria and take it one-by-one.

Obsessions are defined by (1) and (2):

Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress. The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize hem with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion).

Does Tony experience obsessions? Well, he very well could.

There used to be a criterion in the now-outdated DSM-IV that outlined obsessions could NOT be "simply excessive worries about real-life problems." But in the DSM-5, this was dropped. So, an obsession, by current standards, most certainly can be defined as an excessive worry about real-life problems.

Whether or not Tony's worry is excessive is debatable. We're all aware of Clint's sentiment in New Avengers that basically boils the team's state of being down to "we're extraordinary people, so we have extraordinary problems." Tony's worries are extraordinary, but... are they excessive?

I could go either way on this argument. Due to Tony's massive influence and his feelings of responsibility, we can all see why these worries might be considered realistic and average. But it's those feelings of responsibility that would make a better argument for "excessiveness"; he has taken the stance quite a few times that he's been "the only one who could see what needed to be done", or something akin to that, at least. It's not just that he has serious problems and he's concerned about serious solutions. It's that he feels such a sense of responsibility and guilt that every single problem on the planet happens to be a problem he's obligated to consider by his own standards, and if he doesn't consider those problems, he's an awful garbage man. Again, by his own standards.

One could also easily argue that he could fall prey to both aggressive-type obsessions and pathologic doubt-type obsessions, given that he's terrified of hurting people or causing harm unknowingly and that he's never 100% sure of himself, always "almost certain", and often looking to others (like Happy in Civil War, for example) to vent and try to half-validate himself as someone who really is doing the right thing.

These very obviously cause him distress, and one could argue that his Atlas-like anxiety with regards to keeping the world afloat is a huge factor in his mental cycle of thinking he's not doing enough, which means he's not enough, which means he deserves to die, which means he actually should die if he's not doing anything right, which means he has to try really, really hard to do things right, but he'll never do everything he needs to do, so he's not doing enough, so he's not enough, so he deserves to die.

And the alcoholism could easily come into play here, being a default coping mechanism for almost anything he'd encountered, obsessive or otherwise.

Now for compulsions.

Compulsions are defined by (1) and (2):

Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly. The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive.

So, we're going back to the obsessions outlined earlier. One thing I neglected to mention there was what he's referred to as one of his biggest fears, and I neglected to mention it because of how it ties into potential compulsions.

He's mentioned that someone "taking over his brain" is possibly the worst thing that could happen to him, given that he is a man with incredible influence and incredible intelligence and if his mind falls into the wrong hands, it could have (and has had) disastrous consequences. We see a lot of Tony trying to protect his mind as a result, always having backups, always having alternatives, always having contingency plans. This could also be considered a response to an obsession with regards to “mental contamination”, which makes sense.

It's similar with the responsibility-induced anxiety; he made how many AIs, now? He quite literally can't let himself die. He needs to be up, awake, present, alive. He needs to continue doing The Right Thing. We see the same sorts of behaviors even when he's alive and kicking-- he's often in his lab into the late hours of the night. He canonically works multiple jobs at his company. He runs around holding babies around the world, for God's sake. He believes everything deserves to be cared for, loved, and he believes he has to be the one to love it, and so he does, taking up so much of his time and so much of his energy every single day in a desperate attempt to make sure he's done all he can.

This is a man whose every day life could be considered scheduled compulsions if you really wanted it to be, one after the other, in a never-ending cycle of behaviors that he canonically won't ever be satisfied with.

Tony certainly could have obsessions. He certainly could have compulsions. He certainly could have OCD.

It's worth it to mention that self-blame, even for the smallest little details, is extremely common in people with OCD, and... That's also a very Tony thing, isn't it?

All that to say...

Do I think he does?

Well, not... really. I mean, I don't very, very strongly believe that he doesn't. And a lot of neurodivergent people have created incredibly thorough explanations as to why a character not intended to be one way might still be that way-- not even as a headcanon, but quite literally, they just are that way. This is especially common among characters coded (intentionally or otherwise) to have things like autism and ADHD. Whether or not a character "has" something is difficult to decipher, but if you can outline all the symptoms and you can't come up with any other explanation for them, then, well... You've got a neurodivergent character on your hands.

But that's the thing. You certainly can explain Tony's feelings and decisions with a diagnosis of MDD and alcohol abuse. You can. Plenty of people don't really want to, especially with some more toxic beliefs in the mental health community that regard less stigmatized illnesses as somehow also less severe or less validating, and regards MDD as "just depression" in a way that more stigmatized illnesses aren't. 

I don't feel terribly represented in Tony as someone with OCD-- I feel represented with almost every aspect of his struggles with mental health, but I rarely ever read through comics going, "there! There's my OCD thing!" Which isn't to say that it's never happened on a subconscious level, because... I mean, illness bleeds into every aspect of you. It's terribly difficult to find where one part of you ends and the other begins when there's so much overlap. But personally, Tony having OCD isn’t something that I really consider when I read or write (which is part of why I like having Ty Stone around so much-- I can pin a bunch of shit on him that I think Tony doesn’t have, and then I get to write everything I want while still keeping things true to the way I see them).

There are other sufferers of OCD who must certainly relate to Tony, and probably exclusively go "There's my OCD thing!" while reading his comics. I can see why.

So, again.

Do I think he has OCD? Eh. Not really my thing. But I think canon does what canon does, mental illnesses have plenty of overlap, and he meets the criteria enough that if you were to say he had both MDD and OCD, I wouldn't feel any reason to argue, especially if you’re saying it to better relate to him.

[wakaoujisenhime]

❤️ F!reader is sweet to her boys Shouto & Hitoshi. They know about each other, but rarely talk unless it’s about her. She always has songs stuck in her head, whisper sings doin lil dances while sitting, both think is adorable but don’t say it. She gets really hurt saving them, losing blood, they’re tearing up “why would you do that, dummy?” She’s singin “fuck apologies I would say I’m sorry if I really meant it” ☺️ happy they safe, she sleeps for a week, Toshi puts blanket on Sho, she wakes up

A/N: This is the first time I got a request in such a form, so I hope I understood it right and could give you the story you had hoped for! Please enjoy! (๑꒪▿꒪)*

Tags: Todoroki x reader ✅  Shinsou x reader ✅  SFW ✅  fluff ✅  slight angst ✅

image/art source: Pinterest (if you know the original artist please let me know!!)

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The best sight one can wake up to - Todoroki and Shinsou x reader

Todoroki, Shinsou, and you. 

Everybody from class 1-A and 1-C knew about the peculiar relationship the three of you shared.

On one hand, we had Todoroki, the young prince amongst the future heroes as well as Endeavor’s youngest son. 

The cold and distant facade he had put up, broke the moment he first saw you smiling bashfully at him after he had caught you dancing on the school’s rooftop.

Why are you just standing there? C’mere and dance with me!

He wasn’t used to such a cheerful voice welcoming and even inviting him to an activity you apparently enjoyed so much.

On the other hand, there was Shinsou, the ambitious young man who was ready to give it his all, in order to become a hero and show the world that even someone from a less popular class could be on the same level as them.

You were the first person to ever truly grasp what kind of impact his quirk actually had on his life, while others simply said that he was unsocial and hard to get along with. 

Is there a song you like? One that sets your mind at peace for example.

If there is, then I'd advise you to always sing it quietly to yourself...trust me, it helps.

What you had said was nothing but a simple comment with no real meaning behind it, but exactly that statement had changed his life.

And last but not least we had you, (Y/N), the girl that ran all the way from the support department to the future heroes’ classrooms to pick them up so that they could eat together during the lunch break.

Being a part of the class that had nothing but their inventions, there was no time for deeper friendships and everybody knew that...so how was it that you got along with the most unapproachable boys in your entire school?

It had still been a mystery to you, but you cherished those bonds nonetheless. 

In the beginning, you had a lot of difficulties to even get Todoroki and Shinsou to meet up with you at the same time, one didn't stop complaining about how he didn't want to talk to any of those ’pompous asses from class A’ while the other didn't even bother complaining at all - he sighed multiple times instead.

But after you had expressed the wish of wanting to spend as much time as possible with the most important people in your life, they simply couldn't refuse you anymore.

They didn't talk to each other more than necessary and if they chatted then it would've been mostly about you.

”Look at her...sketching something and singing some random songs, completely unaware of her own cuteness.”

The first person to speak up was the red- and white-haired boy and it threw the other young man off, but upon seeing the gentle expression on his face Shinsou knew that both of them shared the same amount affection for you.

“If you think that’s cute then you should see the small dances she does when she’s sitting and sketching something, they are absolutely priceless and a must-see.”

Todoroki didn’t expect to get any kind of reaction from the purple-haired boy, but he surprisingly did and that made him feel like they had become a tad closer.

They were so embarrassed to have shown the other such a weak side of their own, so any other cute characteristic of yours wasn't discussed out loud, and telling it straight to your face had never been an option anyway. 

A decision both of them soon regretted…

The teachers decided to send some pupils from each class on a mission to strengthen their teamwork as well as to prepare them for times during which they had to work with heroes they didn't personally know.

When you guys arrived on site, pro-heroes like Mt. Lady paired each and every one of you into groups of three. Fortunately, you were in a team with Todoroki and Shinsou which made you extremely happy. 

Everything was calm and just like any other street patrol, no villain or suspicious activity in sight.

Then suddenly a tall and vicious man ran straight into you. Had it not been for the two guys behind you, your cute butt might’ve collided with the dirty asphalt. 

You wanted to apologize, but the moment both of your eyes met he quickly backed away, taking a fighting stance.

”(Y/N)...get behind us.”

”Things are about the get ugly.”

It was confusing to you at first, but one look down at your UA uniform answered every possible question you might've had.

Nevertheless, you obliged and let both of them take care of the situation since they were the ones with the quirks.

A few minutes passed and the whole situation had escalated. Shinsou and Todoroki had tried to calm the man down and persuade him with words, but he was too agitated already and one just couldn’t get through to him.

As of right now, you were hiding behind a car watching the fight unfold. Not being able to help these two ate you up from the inside, but on the plus side, it also made you think of ways you could jump in and support them.

If there is one thing the students for 1-H should know, then it’s to never leave for a mission without their babies!!   

Hatsume’s words seemed quite peculiar and funny to you back then, but now...you were extremely grateful for the advice. Right before All Might told you guys to dispatch, you made sure to pack some of your inventions with you. One of it was a handy machine gun that you conveniently managed to design in such a way that it fits into any pocket and upon pressing a small button, the item would unfold its massive size. Unfortunately, it was still a prototype and you hadn’t tested it yet, so there were bound to be some malfunctions that could even end deadly.

I have to at least help them somehow...no matter the cost!

You took all the courage you could muster and aimed right at the man’s massive frame.

“Shoto! Hitoshi! Move!!”

These two were lucky enough that your invention needed some time to heat up at first, giving them the opportunity to react and dodge the incoming rain of bullets.

———

“(Y/N)!”

“What were you thinking?!”

The voices that were screaming at you sounded so far away, yet they belonged to the two boys you loved so much. Right now they were crouching on each side of your body, holding it as gently as they could, in order to not make the injury - which was caused by your prototype of a weapon - worse than it already was. 

Your gun’s recoil had been stronger than you’d anticipated and with its very first shot, it had hit you right in your abdominal region, the repetitive motion tearing up your skin, leaving nothing behind but a big and bleeding wound that was the cause of your sudden blackout.

With that small bit of consciousness, you still managed to hold on to, you listened to the nagging that was coming from both sides. 

“How can you even bring a weapon to a mission you haven’t tested yet...let alone use it?!”

“We told you to stand back, so why...? Why would you do that, dummy?”

“What should I do if you had...died..? What should we do then, huh?!”

It was actually a very serious and sad moment to be in and that’s how you should’ve felt as well, but you didn’t. You smiled weakly and began singing in a low and raspy voice.

♪ “What you want from me...? I would say I'm sorry if I….really meant it…...fuck apologies I'm not perfect….I got pride...that's not what it is this time...so….” ♪ 

Before you could finish the song, the happiness that you were able to save them caused the last bit of power to leave your body and turn your vision blacker than the darkest night…

———

A week passed and you were still unconscious, worrying the two young men with each passing second, minute, hour during which their fear for you grew.

Recovery girl helped with her quirk as much as she could and even if she had healed your injury on the surface, the ‘waking-up’ part was entirely up to you.

They came up with a schedule and decided to take turns with visiting your hospital room, but one day when it was Shinsou’s turn he silently opened the door and the first thing he saw was the bicolored hair of a man he’d gotten to know more than he’d intended.  

Did he...stay here all night?

With slow and silent steps the purple-haired man took off his jacket and covered Shoto as gently as he could with it. 

Normally he wouldn’t have done that, but the time he’d spent with the both of you caused an unexpected change of heart. 

As careful as possible he positioned a chair on the other side of your bed, taking your small hand in his own bigger one, silently praying to the gods for you to soon wake up…

———

The nurse that was assigned to you was quite astonished when she heard about your case.

An inspiring scientist, trying to become the first person heroes turned to when they needed any supporting item, was ironically hospitalized by her own invention.

The bitter irony behind it was not only sad but fascinating at the same time, but what fascinated her the most was the scene that played out in front of her right now.

You had woken up from your long slumber and were now grinning from one ear to the other. 

Seeing that Shoto and Hitoshi had fallen asleep by your side was the best sight one could wake up to...

[squeeneyart]

Breathe in the Salt - Chapter 11

AO3

Beta read by @thesnadger​!

Martin wants to do the right thing.

It's time to make some phone calls.

Martin resigned himself to a day of catch up. The recent circumstances hadn’t been the most conducive to completing his work tasks, but he was employed for the time being. He would wait for the right time to reopen the can of worms upstairs and in the meantime double down on the figures in front of him. The others went to work as well, going through the records they recovered from the library and verifying some information from the storage house.

After some time, he heard Sasha ask, “Martin? This place used to be a bigger fishing town, right? Before the Lukases showed up.”

Martin thought for a moment. “I don’t think it was that great to begin with? I’m sure they didn’t help, but the problem started long before I was born. There may be some people old enough to remember when things were a bit better, but it’s always been a shaky business despite the proximity to the sea.” He paused, then asked, “Is there a reason you’re looking into this? Doesn’t sound very ghost-related.”

Sasha tapped her pen on the table. “It helps to get a timeline of major events. Even if there are coincidences, a broader historical picture often helps with places where the phenomena are… far reaching.”

“What, did the lighthouse eat all the fish?” Martin laughed, but it quickly died as he continued to think about it. “...Could it do that?”

“Doubtful,” Jon said, keeping his eyes glued to his laptop. “It’s possible the family saw an existing, natural decline in job prospects and swooped in to create an even bigger vacuum they could then fill. Nothing supernatural, just horrid people finding a  good opportunity.”

Tim snorted. “While they just so happened to buy and operate a possessed lighthouse?”

Jon looked over his screen. “People can have multiple motivations. For example, Peter Lukas apparently enjoys boating and taking the possessions of others for the fun of it. The two aren’t necessarily related.” His eyes dropped back to his task.

“Fair enough. Maybe someone in the family won it in a bet, then? Swiped it from some evil lighthouse keeper.” Tim wiggled his fingers.

Martin laughed silently through his nose and went back to work, assuming his part of the conversation was completed. If he’d learned anything from the situation earlier that morning, it was to quit before weird personal details about his deadbeat fisherman dad came out and ruined the mood.

The three continued to debate possible motivations and causes, eventually trailing off and lapsing into a focused silence. The scratches of pen on paper mingled with the tapping of the keyboard. It created an arrangement that echoed over itself in a round, filling the space and tunneling upward along the staircase. Despite himself, Martin strained to hear anything that felt out of place, but he could feel no intent in the repetition. It was loud, but it was the normal, unnerving loud he’d become accustomed to over the last few months.

There wouldn’t be anything, as long as he kept the dial in the correct position. Not anything he could perceive, anyway. Were they listening, even if they couldn’t stockpile his words? Were they seething at his decision? Were they-

Martin gritted his teeth, willing himself to focus on the page in front of him. The group would call Naomi soon, and if she responded they would be one step closer to confirming his suspicions. For the time being, he would sit with his churning insides and wait.

Relief came at eleven with his lunch hour, which the others were considerate enough to wait for. He barely tasted the sandwich he’d thrown together that morning. There was a heightened atmosphere spread across him and the others, a buzz of excitement. After hours of necessary but tedious paperwork and discussion, it was time again for action.

Sasha dialed the number and waited, drumming her fingers on a pad of paper in front of her. “Available number,” she mouthed, giving a thumbs up. A few seconds passed, and she frowned and ended the call. “But, of course, it is no longer her number. I would change mine too, if people were tailing me.”

They all slumped in their chairs and braced themselves for a long, slow afternoon as Sasha looked at her pad of paper and dialed the first number on the list of many, many Naomi Hernes.

Some answered with varying levels of politeness, mostly responding with “never heard of the place” or “the name doesn’t ring any bells”. Otherwise, she left a short, scripted voicemail giving little information other than Evan’s name in hopes that Naomi would take the bait. She kept their institute out of it entirely.

When asked why, Sasha explained that this part of the investigation would have to be off record. Evidently, the Magnus Institute encouraged thorough research until it involved digging into its own benefactors. Unless they discovered a lead that didn’t implicate the Lukas family, they would be on their own.

The minutes ticked on, dragging more and more with the lack of success. After thirty minutes of fruitless calls, Sasha said, “It may take a while. We don’t know her schedule or if she’s even on this list. I was able to go off her last recorded location, but that’s about it.” Sasha leaned back in her chair, stretching her shoulders.

Jon pulled his laptop back in front of him. “We’ll need to give her time. If she’s aware of the Lukases keeping tabs on her, she’ll probably be wary of us. Keep going through the list. Tim and I will continue with the rest.”

Martin sat around for the rest of his lunch hour, losing hope with each passing call. He ought to have considered how long it could take to reach her, or that she might not answer at all. Why would she? What reason did she really have to trust a bunch of strangers?

He looked down at his phone, mindlessly flipping between apps before settling on his notes. Under Naomi’s old number was the one for Evan’s mobile, locked safely away in the storage house. Running his thumb up and down the side of his phone, he peeked up at the others through his bangs.

“I know we’re waiting to hear back from Naomi, but-” They looked at him, and he swallowed hard. “We know who it probably is, right? We have something he would know, and we could even-”

“Sorry, Martin, but that’s a big ‘no’ from me,” Tim said, crossing his arms. “If it’s him, he can wait a bit longer. If it’s not, then there could be something bad on the other side that we’re not ready to deal with, something that might even pretend to be him given the opportunity.”

There was an edge to his voice that made Martin shrink sheepishly in his seat. Tim’s face grew soft. “You want to help. I get it, but we should play it safe for now. Once we’re certain of the situation, we’ll do the heroic thing and release his trapped soul or get him out of the sound booth he’s locked himself in or whatever it is that needs to be done.”

Martin nodded glumly and looked back at his phone. After a moment, a notification popped up on the screen.

Tim: and if we get him out and hes as hot as they say he was, then who knows ;)

All the tension in Martin’s shoulders was released with a high-pitched snicker that his hand failed to stifle. The other two turned their gazes on him. Martin’s ears turned beet red at the attention he’d brought upon himself. Jon shot a suspicious glance at Tim, whose broad smile denied nothing.

--

By twenty minutes to four, there had been no sign of the person they were hoping for, ignoring  one response by someone who thought they were being hilarious. Martin had only one task remaining before it was time to leave, and once his things were carefully packed away he walked over to the stairs and placed a hand on the rail. From behind him came the sound of chairs squeaking against hard tile.

Looking over his shoulder, he saw the three had all risen from their seats and were shooting surprised looks at each other.

Martin sighed. “I’m just going up for my normal work stuff. I won’t be touching anything I’m not supposed to.” Not that the thought hadn’t crossed his mind, but if he’d wanted to do anything there in secret, which he didn’t, there was no point in doing so when other people in the building could hear every amplified word.

“Well, I’ll be coming up anyway. Might as well get a better look at what buttons you’re pressing.” Tim jogged over, waving a hand at the other two dismissively and calling over his shoulder, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this. Keep an ear on the phone and text us if something comes up.” Jon and Sasha, who’d clearly been about to walk over and join them, sat down despite their visible apprehension. Tim started up the stairs, leaving Martin to trail behind.

Before long, Tim began to rely more and more on the handrail to keep his balance. About halfway up the stairs, he held up a hand for Martin to stop and dropped his head.

“Okay,” he said, flexing his grip on the rail. He took a moment to breath. “Okay, I’m good. Damn this place, though.”

When they reached the top, Tim faced the stairs and, at a regular speaking volume, said, “Hello? Tim Stoker to Boss Man.” He waited, then checked his phone. “Huh. Guess sound does have limits in this place. Good to know.” Tim smiled at Martin. “Let’s see those switches, then.”

Martin could see that Tim’s eye was just as drawn to the dial as Martin’s as they approached the panel. Martin slowed down his process, taking care to show Tim what he was doing with the different buttons and knobs, and Tim seemed to be taking notes on his phone.

“If it would help, I have a list of everything I do up here on my desk. My handwriting isn’t the best, but it’s legible.” Martin continued to complete the steps without thinking, allowing muscle memory to take over. “Not that I’ve looked at it super recently. I also have the version in my work contract? But that would have to wait ‘til tomorrow.”

Tim nodded, shoving his phone in his pocket. “Sounds like a plan. Who knows, maybe there’s a hidden ‘I cede my right to file a claim against any injury due to imprisoned spirits’ clause or something in the fine print.” Martin laughed weakly but said nothing. Leaning on the side of the panel, Tim looked at him. “You really think it’s the guy? Evan?”

Martin’s finger slipped, missing a button entirely. “...Yeah. I can’t think of anything else it could be? And I get it, there are some things I don’t know about-”

“Lots of things, actually. Look,” Tim stood up straight, crossing his arms. “I’m not usually the lecturing type, but you seem like a well-meaning guy, and this thing could very well be taking that from your voice and turning it back on you.” There was an unmistakable discomfort, though Tim was doing his best to look authoritative. “You’re not used to this stuff, but most of it ends up being not so nice.”

Resuming his task, Martin looked down and asked, “Have you ever… studied something like that?”

From the corner of Martin’s eye, he could see Tim shift a bit and lean against the panel again. “They’re something I’ve worked on, yeah.”

After a final flip of a switch, Martin looked back at Tim whose gaze was firmly centered on the window. Martin rolled his fingertips on the surface of the panel. “Any personal experiences or advice? For my benefit?”

Tim took some time to think, and without taking his eyes from the window responded, “If you can shut them up, make sure they stay that way.” Tim let out a breath through his nose. “And if someone’s got by one, chances are they won’t be kept alive. Once a copy is made, there’s no reason to keep the original.”

The bitter twinge in Tim’s voice warned against the questions forming on the tip of Martin’s tongue. If Tim was talking from experience, the specifics were none of Martin’s business.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Tim shook his head. “So, since I was the one who turned the dial, do me a favor and keep away from it?” When Martin nodded in agreement, Tim uncrossed his arms and pushed himself off the panel. “Good. It’s a deal then. Now, when we get back down, we can pretend to have had a riveting talk about how fish hate your town.”

--

Once they were back on the main floor, disappointment washed over Martin. “Was it too much to expect anything back so soon?” He looked through his bag, making sure he hadn’t forgotten anything.

“You get used to it.” Sasha paused from collecting some papers to watch him sulk in his corner. “Can’t tell you how many follow-up calls I’ve made that led to nothing.”

“Or all the numbers we’ve gotten that were for takeout places,” Jon grumbled.

“I dunno, I’ve been pretty lucky with numbers.” Tim winked at Sasha, who shoved some of the papers into his arms.

Martin smiled, though Tim’s comment reeked of forced levity. He zipped up his bag and walked to the door. “Let me know if anything comes up?”

“Of course.” Jon pushed himself out of his chair and walked at a brisk pace to meet him. “Could I have a word with you, before you head home?” He opened the door and gestured outside.

“Oh. Sure?” He avoided Tim’s very pointed eye contact and walked through the door. Jon followed behind with his arms wrapped around himself, his thin, long-sleeved shirt doing nothing for him in the cold. “Do you need to-”

“I’ll be back inside in a moment.” His stubbornness did nothing to protect him from the shivers. “About tonight.”

With all excitement and distraction gone, the weight that had been balancing precariously in Martin’s chest dropped to his stomach like a lead ball. “Is there a way to make this not horrible?”

Jon frowned. “I don’t know the full circumstances, but ultimately, I believe you’ll be doing the right thing.” He placed a tentative hand on Martin’s shoulder and gave it a stiff pat. He immediately retracted his hand and wrapped it back around himself, keeping his eyes on anything but Martin. “You know her better than I do. I’m sure you’ll be able to handle it.”

Martin clung to that confidence and the feeling of pressure from Jon’s hand. “Okay...” He took a large breath. “Okay. I should get going then. No point in putting it off.”

Jon nodded his head and hurried back inside, leaving Martin to walk home with more courage than he’d managed to gather for himself. As the sun drifted closer to its exit, Martin latched onto that little encouragement and thought of what to say.

“Hi, Mum. I found your skin? No, that sounds weird-”

“I know there are things I don’t understand, but-”

“Mum, I found this in the attic. I know it’s yours. Do you want to-”

“A guy from work said to give you this? Wait, no-”

And so he continued, muttering under his breath all the ways he could broach the subject without it being a complete disaster.

This could change things.

Would she scream? He’d never heard her truly scream. It wasn’t her way, but this could unlock something so much worse than he’d known. How dare he bring this to her if she’d hidden it for a good reason? That seemed a likely reaction.

Would she talk to him about her time in the water? Would she reminisce about a time before things went wrong, when he would watch her from the porch? Too hopeful to consider, but nice to think about.

Perhaps she would tell him to return it to the attic, and it would never be spoken of again. Things would be as they always were, just with a new secret to hang over them both. Another weight on their shoulders, another little barrier keeping them from being anything but what they had been for decades now.

Jon had said it would be the right thing to do. He would know about these things more than Martin, right? His word had to be worth something. No matter how she might react, this had to happen sooner or later.

The walk home sped past like nothing. The front door was before him, and then closed behind, and he felt more than ever like he was on a track, being moved from place to place without any consultation of his will. The night proceeded like clockwork, dinner prepared and completed with only his voice and the occasional terse response from his mother for filler noise. It wasn’t yet time.

The fog had rolled in thick as evening turned to night, and they looked out into it from the front porch, her breaths steady and bracing. Through his barely open eyes, Martin saw a hint of rolling waves before the salt brought out the tears and washed away his vision.

He walked his mother back inside and helped her prepare for bed. Once she was settled against the headboard, Martin coughed and began in a low, gentle tone. “Mum. Can I talk to you about something?”

She frowned, tired contempt rippling across her face. “Must you now? You’ve had all night to talk.”

Martin clenched and unclenched his teeth. “It’s important. Please, it’s...it’s about something I found in the attic.”

His mother froze, her hand gripping the quilt on her lap. Annoyance gave way to a wide, blank stare that brushed just over his shoulder. “I did not ask you to retrieve anything from there.”

Martin shrank back. “Yes, I know. I just went up to make sure there hadn’t been a-any issues with the roof after some of the rain recently since we keep some things in storage up there, and I wanted t-”

“Bring it to me. Now.” Her voice was quiet, almost too quiet for him to hear.

“Oh. Right. Of course.” Martin stood too quickly, grabbing the rickety bedside table for balance and causing a loud thump as one of its legs slammed into the ground. The dim lamp on top of it wobbled, creating unnerving shadows on the walls. He winced. “Sorry. I’ll be right back.”

He left the room and let himself breathe. Okay, he thought, this was a good thing. He walked up the stairs two at a time with his long legs, speeding down the hall while keeping his footsteps as quiet as possible. She wanted him to bring it to her. He would do as she ordered. Everything would be okay, he told himself, ignoring the strange sinking feeling in his gut.

It was where he’d left it, folded loosely in the corner to avoid any possible creasing. It pressed heavily into his hands, and he brushed off a little more dust as he walked back down the stairs. At his mother’s door, he paused and adjusted it one more time to a position he felt was the most dignified. Then, he entered the room.

She was looking out her window, through the misted glass and into the fog that surrounded their home. Her hands were limp over the quilt, one placed gently on top of the other. When the door clicked shut behind him, there was an almost imperceptible turn of her head, though he couldn’t see anything but her clenched jaw.

“Mum? I’ve brought it. Do you want me to place it on the bed? I-”

His mother turned to face him fully, and as her eyes locked onto him a torrent of pure fury slammed into his chest. He stumbled, the selkie skin almost escaping his large, clumsy hands.

“Give it to me.” Her rasping voice made Martin’s throat hurt, and her neck seemed to throb with effort. When he failed to move his legs, she forced out, “now, you stupid man!”

He tripped forward, and when he was within reach she snatched the skin from him. She clasped it to her chest just as Jon had that morning, with the same smoothing motion over its surface. Unsure of what to say, he became a statue. Every muffled intake of air burned down into his chest.

Taking in a shuddering breath, his mother whispered, “Leave.”

“What?” There was a painful crack in his voice.

“Leave me alone.”

--

The only thing he could see were his own near-faded footsteps as he climbed up the cliff side, the fog doing well to obscure the surrounding foliage.

He needed to be out of the damned fog. That’s why he’d fled the house, and the beach, and the crashing waves. That’s all it was down there, a house adrift in grey nothing, and he was too loud of a presence to truly give her solitude with his tramping feet on the floorboards upstairs.

It was past sundown when he reached the end of his climb, and the corner lights looked as much as they had the night before. As they had on any other night he’d spent wandering the dark, emptying streets. Pulling his coat more tightly around himself, Martin marched forward, drawn to the only other place to which he had a key.

He looked up before he could think too hard about it, and the sky bore down on him until all he could do was fall back into the gaping pit waiting just behind his heel. Had it felt like this before? Yes, it had, hadn’t it? A giant emptiness in the ground waiting to swallow him whole, and as he had seen it, so from it the vertigo had come. Only now it was polite enough to slow down and let him see the horror below.

He woke up on the ground with a groan, just outside of the florist shop. It was closed for the night, and there was no one inside or out to stare as he lifted himself out of a puddle, the arm of his coat soaked through with water. He was halfway through trying to regain some semblance of focus when he realized his glasses had fallen from his nose and were now lying on the ground beside him.

Relieved that his impaired vision was no worse than usual, he reached over to pick up his glasses. As he did so, he glimpsed at the water’s surface, and for just a moment the blurry vision of his face looked just enough like someone else. He gasped, snatching his glasses and scrambling to sit on the curb.

She’d never called Martin that. She’d had other ways of showing her frustration with him, but that… that had been for someone else. Of course. He hadn’t even thought to warn her of his re-entry, so he had gone into her room and with just that lamp by her bed the doorway must’ve been so dark-

The pounding in his head grew more fervent, and he curled into himself until he faced the ground, head between his knees. As the minutes crawled by, the pain began to subside, and eventually he was able to stand, even if there was a slight shake to his legs.

“Twenty years and still you don’t learn.”

He continued without reason, thankful for the empty road ahead, his arm going cold in its dripping sleeve.

[vintagegeekculture]

What are some actually GOOD Sword and Sandal movies?

One of the bigger genres in Italy who’s popularity came and went in waves from the silent era to the present, Sword and Sandal (or Peplum) films are Italian movies about gladiators, musclemen, Ancient Greece and Rome, and who’s main characters include Hercules, Spartacus, Ursus, Maciste (a homegrown, semi-Marxist Hercules who fights the rich and decadent who is purely a creation of Italian cinema).

The genre started in 1912, with Cabiria, an ultra-early Italian feature that predated D.W. Griffith, featuring a muscular African slave named Maciste, and due to his muscles and screen presence, Bartolomeo Pagano may have been the first true movie star, making dozens of sequels. The popularity of these movies went into hibernation in Italy until 1959, when it got a huge resurgence when Steve Reeves starred as Hercules, and consequently became the highest paid star in Europe. Hercules (1959) caused literally hundreds of movies to be made, assembly line, in a burst of about 5 years. The genre burned itself out through repetition in only a half decade, only to be replaced by the Italian horror/slasher film and the Spaghetti Western. It was down for good, only to have something of a resurgence of popularity in Italy in the wake of the popularity of John Milius’s Conan the Barbarian in the early 1980s.

Sword and Sandal seems to be a genre where any given film picked at random could be a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. For the most part, Sword and Sandal movies are mostly known for being the training ground of people who showed their skills in other genres, like how Mario Bava became a horror director, or how Sergio Leone, a second unit director on a few, was best known later for Spaghetti Westerns. And there is certainly some truth to the idea that, if you have seen one, you’ve seen them all. But there are certainly some good examples of the genre that are worth seeing.

Goliath and the Dragon (1960)

Don’t be fooled, this is a Hercules movie, but they renamed it because of some begobbled distribution rights issue.

If you were a Greek mythology kid (and most nerdy kids went through a phase they were into sharks, dinosaurs, Greek mythology, AV/Radio, writing in Dwarf runes under your desk after reading Tolkien for the first time, and lego) you might remember reading about Hercules’s semi-tragic end, poisoned and killed by his own wife and a centaur. It was the most fascinating story, where Hercules’s great strength and courage was defeated by jealous and anxious little people who tore him down. Americans don’t have much of a taste for tragedy, so it’s very seldom been adapted for American audiences.

Goliath and the Dragon is that story. It literally starts with Hercules finishing his hardest heroic Labor, and retiring. However, his younger brother is jealous of him, and a conspiracy of schemers work to get rid of Hercules by manipulating envy. Along the way, Hercules feels abandoned by the gods and he turns against them in anguish after a lifetime of service. It has a dragon, and quests into the underworld, yes, but it is primarily not an adventure film, which is what makes it interesting.

It also stars Mark Forest, who might be the only one of the bodybuilders to play Hercules to have a legit screen presence. He later left movies to become an opera singer and voice coach. 

Eric the Conqueror (1961)

This is one by Italian horror titan Mario Bava, and because it’s kind of a well known film, it actually has a half-decent transfer, including availability in the original language instead of a shoddy 70s dub - this is utterly, absolutely unheard of in this genre, where the copies of these movies on streaming (even on Amazon Prime!) are sometimes literally off VHS and have “snow lines” and other phenomenally half-assed signs of VHS transfer, like the original FBI WARNING stickers.

The film is about two Viking brothers, one of who is raised by Christians as a knight, the other of whom grows up the son of a pagan Viking warlord. It’s a film about the contrast between Christian and Pagan, and the one thing about it people remember is that it stars a pair of Playboy Playmate twins. Stylish and action-oriented with lots of red blood, it’s like a cool version of Disney’s “The Island at the Top of the World.”

Hercules in the Haunted World (1961)

Hercules vs. Christopher Lee –need I say more? Christopher Lee is a vampire who took over a kingdom and hypnotized Hercules’s true love, shrouding the land in eerie darkness…and so Hercules has to descend into the underworld. This is a case where the screenshots really tell the story, they get across the eerie, surreal Gothic ambiance of the film. It doesn’t actually feature Castle Greyskull, but it would perfectly fit in with the décor.

As far as I know, Hercules never actually encountered vampires in Greek folklore, but in Italian cinema, they seem to feel that the supreme challenge for the Son of Zeus is the undead (see also, Kobrak in Goliath and the Sins of Babylon).

I feel guilty having two Mario Bava movies on here. But of the two, this one feels the more…Mario Bava, in lighting, design, and ambiance, which is really the reason to see it. Essentially, it’s Hercules Goes to Hell, and it’s treated as more of a truly eerie horror movie, with weird lighting. The presence of Christopher Lee makes it feel like a bodybuilder accidentally wandered onto the set of a Hammer Horror film, with crumbling castles and she-vampires in negligees.

Maciste in Hell (1925)

Speaking of the essential plot of a muscleman going to hell, you wouldn’t think a movie of that kind would be whimsical, charming, imaginative, and creative, but it is. Satan tries to tempt Maciste, a pure in heart muscleman who represents the pure, incorruptible goodness and strength of the working class. Maciste movies, distinct from Hercules films, always had a strong Marxist undertone, with villains who were super-rich and decadent, all the while Maciste resisted their temptations and hung out with the lower classes and sponsored a revolution. The movie is full in intertitles like “the Dragon – Hell’s Aeroplane!” And the quest by female devils to turn Maciste into a demon himself with a kiss. Essentially, it’s a movie where if you’re pure in heart and have biceps of steel, there’s no problem you can’t bench press, grip, or grapple, even Satan. 

According to his memoirs, this was the movie that made Fellini want to become a director.

Hercules and the Princess of Troy (1965)

Made at the absolute dying gasp of the genre, this one is essentially the “Enter the Dragon” of Sword and Sandal movies, in that it was a Hollywood/Italian co-production, much like how “Enter the Dragon” was the first Hollywood/Hong Kong co-production. It wasn’t a movie at all, but a pilot episode for a television show that never went to series…to everyone’s shame, because if it had been made, it would have been a crowd pleaser, if the pilot was anything to go by. I all but guarantee it would be a syndication favorite that would have turned everyone in it into a star, the kind that would be on Nick at Nite forever, or the earliest incarnation of F/X, where it was just a scrappy rerun network with a pre-Survivor Jeff Probst (I still remember the F/X house all the VJ like hosts lived in).

This one has Hercules (played by Tarzan Gordon Scott) as a sea captain and leader of a Greek ship named the Olympia, who is accompanied by two sidekicks, Ulysses (a young, clever Ulysses as Herc’s sidekick was also a trait of Paul Levine’s Hercules and Hercules Unchained), and Diogenes, Hercules’s smart friend, a medical doctor and proto-scientist who comes off as the project’s most interesting character, a Dr. McCoy like curmudgeon who adventures to stay away from his awful wife, who creates a chemical that burns on water and who uses the Socratic Method to solve a murder mystery. If this had gone to series, I can see him overshadowing the theoretical leading man in a similar way to Jonathan Harris as Dr. Smith overshadowing the Robinsons. 

The pilot was great fun. It had mythological creatures like invulnerable horses and a terrifyingly unique sea monster, that was some of the earliest work by the now legendary Carlo Rambaldi (creator of E.T. and the Alien) that is light years ahead of the shag carpet dragons musclemen pretend to wrestle in movies like this. Not to mention a mystery, and Hercules facing intrigue that, as a trustworthy and direct man of action, he is incapable of dealing with (a trait of nearly every single interesting Hercules movie).

[tillidontneedfantasy]

‘Fine Line’ - Harry Styles REVIEW: Finding His Balance

“When I played it for the label, I told them, ‘This is the first single. It’s two minutes, thirty-five. You’re welcome,’” Harry Styles recalls when discussing “Lights Up” in a track-by-track breakdown of his second solo studio effort, Fine Line, with Rolling Stone writer Rob Sheffield. Thank you, indeed. “Lights Up” was an excellent first single choice for a number of reasons, now all the more clear in the context of the album. Though oddly structured and not particularly radio-friendly, it’s interesting, catchy, short and to the point: as much as you try to hide who you are, once the lights are up, those watching will know, so you might as well shine; but do you know?

Just as importantly, does Harry? Fine Line is a vague exploration of the self, both personally and musically, filled with cryptic platitudes and slick guitar riffs. However, the one aspect of himself Styles seems to be most acquainted with, and thus most comfortable sharing, is the “dark running through” his heart that cannot be extinguished by all the lights; in fact, it is amplified. Perhaps Styles finds it difficult to be honest in his relationships, but Fine Line is sprinkled with dark confessions, most notably in a series in the middle of the album (immediately following “Lights Up”): “I can tell that you are at your best / I’m selfish so I’m hating it” in “Cherry,” a track of spewing bitter jealousy; “There’s no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands” in “Falling,” a heart-wrenching ballad for the books; “I’m just an arrogant son of a bitch / who can’t admit when he’s sorry,” in the pleasant-sounding yet morose ditty “To Be So Lonely.”

Those confessionals are the strongest demonstrations of Styles’s songwriting potential, and are the meat and bones of Fine Line’s takeaway: losing someone you once loved can cause you to almost lose yourself. Hopefully, you find yourself along the road to healing; but Styles often leaves the listener wondering if he really does know who he is now or not. What we do know is two things: 1) The end of his last relationship caused a lot of pain and introspection and 2) The man likes to have sex. Understandable points. Good equation for a successful album.

BEST TRACK: “Fine Line”

The title track and closer, “Fine Line” immediately invokes emotion as soon as it begins, and it only intensifies throughout its six-minute and eighteen-second duration. As the song moves along, new elements are subtly and meticulously added, layered in with his low and almost careful singing in a way that sounds like nature. Around four minutes in, the song really starts to come alive, the instrumentation building and building towards an outro that reaches a crescendo at Styles’s final “we’ll be alright,” and then perfectly finishes with high-pitch vocal notes that feel like freedom before it drifts out with a few light piano notes. While its message about maintaining balance on the fine line between the extremes of love resonates, the real victory of this song is its ability to move you with just the music. Despite its length, it always feels like it ends too soon.

WEAKEST TRACK: “Golden”

While a pleasant-sounding opener and a good tone-setter for the rest of the record sonically, “Golden” could have been cut in half, with about twenty fewer repetitions of the title, and used as more of brief introduction or interlude instead. In contrast to the closer, “Fine Line,” which is the longest song on the album and includes just as much- if not more- repetitions of its title, it serves a purpose in that song, whereas in “Golden” it feels like filler. This monotonous track is the most prominent example of how often Styles’s lyrics seem to be lacking; he surely has the ability to improve, he just needs to access it.

THE IN-BETWEENS

Luckily for Styles, the production on this album is so outrageously good that it’s enough to keep you interested throughout. “She,” a six-minute psychedelic rock song is an epic trip (I mean, Styles’s guitarist, Mitch Rowland, wrote it on mushrooms, go figure) into a daydream with the perfect woman who doesn’t exist. “Canyon Moon” is a road-trip-ready, light, feel-good song where his musical influences are rather apparent; Styles cites Joni Mitchell and Crosby, Stills, and Nash as his muses, and another idol of his, Steve Nicks, claims it to be her favorite track on the record, a lovely feat. The pre-released singles “Lights Up,” “Watermelon Sugar,” and “Adore You” are sincerely all pop perfection, more mature and refined from his 1D days. The most experimental track, “Treat People With Kindness,” is interesting but falls short for a song that feels like years in the making, considering it has been a phrase Styles and his fans have claimed for the past few years. Although it is clear that Styles’s intention with the song was to spread a positive message which focuses on being kind and not taking life too seriously (though he proclaims that “if our friends all pass away / it’s okay,” and…I don’t know, is it really okay, Harry?!?) it feels like he could have done more with it. One particularly good line is towards the end of the track when he sings, “all we ever want is automatic all the time,” and perhaps he could’ve taken his own advice and given a song with such a grand title a bit more effort.

BEST PROSPECTIVE SINGLE: “Falling”

A close second to “Fine Line,” “Falling” is one of the strongest in Styles’s solo discography and more impressive considering he wrote it in about twenty minutes in a towel. In this beautiful ballad, Styles opens his heart, grabbing the listener’s in the process. “What am I now? / What if I’m someone I don’t want around?” he sings in a panic. This moment of self-reflection after the end of a relationship truly settles in as reality and you can no longer look away from your mistakes is painfully relatable. This track is the most honest of the bunch, and thus feels necessary. With all the previously mentioned pop jams already aptly released as singles, “Falling” feels like the wisest choice going forward to keep the momentum; listeners love a man openly grieving a heartbreak and taking responsibility for his actions (even cheating, I suppose, as is mildly implied in the first verse…I mean, this is your mans? Good thing his regret sounds sincere at least), and the unbelievable tone of his voice when he belts the last word of the bridge, “and I get the feeling that you’ll never need me again” is just the icing on the cake.

                                                                   ***

It is always a difficult task for a former group member to come into their own as a solo artist, and very few have done so with the admiration and reverence that Styles has accrued thus far. With his self-titled debut solo record in 2017, Styles made it clear, as most group-departing members do, that he had a sound different from that of his claim to fame in One Direction. His seriousness as a musician was now established through the positive reception of his debut, and thus his success allowed him to have a little more fun on Fine Line. It also allowed him to get a little more candid and authentic, knowing that the world has accepted him with open arms and has been begging for more. Styles mostly delivers with Fine Line, but in some ways it feels unfinished. The musical production is intriguing and exciting, and by far the best thing about this album, but is still somewhere between a regeneration of classic inspirations and a sound unique to Styles himself; all he needs is a little more time to find his own signature style (no pun intended) rather than just creating a conglomerate of musical elements from his influences and signing his name. But in the meantime, the music still holds up. The real conundrum is the lyrics, which are well and fine, but do not effectively communicate the truth hiding behind the sentiments yet give you just enough to let him get away with it. If he had given us just a bit more, Fine Line could have been a true triumph. However, this is only his second album, and being a confessional songwriting superstar while still preserving your right to privacy is, well, a fine line to walk (I had to, I’m sorry!), but I’m sure he’ll find his balance in no time. Grade: 3.5/5

DISCLAIMER – REVIEWER’S BIAS: I was a very casual One Direction fan during their peak of fame. I think Midnight Memories is a great pop album and I stand by that. I’ve always been more of a Niall girl, but I have never been able to completely resist Harry’s charisma; I’m only human. I listened to his debut album in 2017 maybe twice, three times at most, and just thought it was fine, but not particularly impressive. But since then it’s been impossible to deny his talent and star power. I was very intrigued by “Lights Up,” and with every single release I had found myself enjoying the songs more than I wanted to admit. I think Fine Line is a really great album. Sonically, it is in my exact sweet spot of the kind of music I absolutely love, so I was doomed to like it from the start. What stopped me from giving it a grade of 4 or higher though was that even with multiple listens I struggle to understand what the hell this guy is trying to say in his music. Many times, it takes me reading what die-hard stans say to understand what message he’s trying to send. Unfortunately, that is a failure to me. I know plenty of people love cryptic and ambiguous lyrics or poetry, but as a consumer, I want to be able to understand the story or the message with at least a couple of listens. Of course, lyrics can and should be left up to interpretation, but sometimes I don’t even know what he wants me to interpret! From my perception, this is just a reflection of Harry holding back from truly saying what he wants (with few exceptions, such as “Falling”). I think he is so talented and has so much potential but just needs a little more time unlocking it. I’m excited to see what he does in the future.

[royvdhelart]

So...as I've been sick for the last week, I kind of needed something to cheer me up a bit and something to get the Art-passion flowing again. So, I decided to finally redo Emil's reference sheet, as I never liked the old one, after designing him a new outfit <3

This was a bunch of work but boy, I can not recall having this much fun with a drawing and I'm actually hella proud of it for once :D I hope you like it as well!

--- Just to be clear btw: This Art is NOT for free use. ---

Callname: Emil/Baltazar Full-Name: Baltazar Emil A'zam Duman Jaren Qazir Languages: Common, Dwarfish (future: draconic)

Age: 26, born on the first day of June Sex/Gender: Male Height: 1,95m/6'4 Race: Human Class: (Lore) Bard (level 9) (future: Draconic sorcerer)

Background: Entertainer/Noble Sexuality: Bi-Romantic

Favorite Instrument: Violin. Alignment/Personality: Neutral Good, optimistic, Drama Queen, charismatic, polite, group-mom, party-guy, curious, creative. Flaws: Drama Queen, has a big mouth and turns into an awkward/clumsy dork when he has a crush on someone. More about his family: https://sta.sh/014wc8gu8y2p Background: Baltazar was born on the first day of June in the city Setus. He was the 7th and youngest son of a wealthy merchant family, having 4 brothers ( (35) Amin, (33)Kareem, (30)Jarah, (27)Gabriel, and ( and 2 sisters (Farah (31) and Iris (35) above him.  Baltazar had always been the "runt of the litter". Tall but lanky, Emil wasn't strong, and always out searching for trouble. This often caused him to clash with his parents, who really wished Emil would become more serious instead of going on about silly adventures and hanging around in inn's every night. Actually just fearing for his well-being.

As a proper noblemen's son Baltazar was learned etiquette from a young age, getting schooled by a wise old teacher (Nazim), who had years of experience teaching his older brothers and sisters. Emil wasn't the best student however and caused quite the frustration to his teacher. He skipped classes, pulled tricks on his teacher and rarely did the work he was expected to or find some kind of way to do his tasks with the least effort possible. Emil was much too busy learning plays out of his head, creating new songs or just dreaming about what it would be like to be actually free, to travel the lands, slay monsters, be a hero, to do such boring and repetitive tasks. It didn't matter anyway, he was the youngest, he would one day be married of to a rich woman/man and that would be it. He often worried about this future, a future, which in his opinion, could only become boring. The moments he spent on stage, telling people silly stories when he played his violin, were the moments he actually felt alive, at those moments he could feel a kind of power flowing through him, which could vaguely be described as a warmth but different. To him, it seemed that all that they wanted to do is take that from him, make him "more serious" as he would never honor his family's name as a simple entertainer. One day Emil had pushed his parents too far, he missed his teacher's lessons again and had a big fight with his father. All Emil's frustration and fear for the future came out at that point. Which ended with Emil, angerly saying that he was going to leave the city and that he would prove them that he would become worth something, he would become a great entertainer, a Hero even, his name would become known! With that, he packed his stuff and left the next morning. Quite quickly Emil found out that traveling was definitely not as easy or fun as he expected and regretted his decision quite quickly as he started to run out of gold, the city Setus was mostly surrounded by desert and small villages, where there was no way for him to make any profit. After traveling for days, he decided that he really wasn't ready to cross an entire dessert after having a nasty run-in with Goblins. He finally reached a cross point between three larger cities. He decided to travel between the cities, to try out work as an entertainer to earn some gold. For a few years, he played music at inns, took on small roles in plays and did some odd jobs to earn some extra gold. In these years he discovered the kind of power within himself again, a power which he studied and could control more and more each day as he got mentored by another bard called "Rafael". Who saw potential in him. Eventually, he learned how to control magic with his voice, movements, and music. Even though he enjoyed entertaining, with his new found powers and being able to do whatever he wanted, he realized he became somewhat stuck there, unable to grow, he was running out of ideas for songs or tales. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't go back home and wasn't confident enough of his abilities yet to go on actual adventures alone, as he and Rafael split up after a year, his powers seemed mostly passive, supporting at most. Contemplating his options, he almost stumbled over a black panther which seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. He looked back at the table which the large black cat was laying against, sitting around it he saw what could only be described as a perfect example of a knight in shining armor drinking a large pint of... milk? and a younger somewhat odd hooded figure, bright red with a large bird emblem depicted on his back in gold. Emil was immediately intrigued by the curious figures, decided to buy them a round and started talking to them. The knight was apparently the Paladin called Adil Fahd, somewhat of a folk hero, who he actually recognized by name as he had heard it before. The hooded young man was called Yashan, a Phoenix sorcerer from far away, this apparently meant he knew a lot about setting things and himself... on fire, he was apparently on a holy mission to find a religious artifact called the Sun-Stone. He spends the rest of the evening talking with the adventurers and eventually convinced them to let them join their group. A few months later, they met their newest members to the party "Kakaah" a odd but smart Kenku Rogue and a sassy Fighter called Ustrom and with the party complete they would face many adventures, from fighting as gladiators in the area of a savage dwarf Island, to Dyeing Ogers hair to get out of trouble, surviving many of Adil's bad ideas, dangerous sea-trips, a trip to the Underdark, meeting the Evil beholder called Kazejux, retrieving priceless artifacts,  fighting a Demon called Kalahai who is wanting to take over the world... and many more and many more more to come. Extra/Random Facts about Emil: - Emil is a very charismatic and likes to flirt but is absolutely terrified of sex because of a mix of bad/silly experience and anxiety. He gets nervous about the subject and panics as soon as things become too hot and heavy. - Emil has a huge weakness for smart and dorky, guys/girls <3 - He learned the tips and tricks about being a Bard from a Bard called Rafael, with whom he has a somewhat competitive-love/hate friend-relationship as their friendship got a little complicated at the end of their showbusiness-partnership. Rafael is a stereotypical bard, very charismatic, party-animal and somewhat of a nymphomaniac. - Emil used to own a tiger when he was younger, who he shared with his brother Gabriel, which is supposed to be depicted on his bracers. Gabriel, after being reunited with Emil again 3 years after Emil left home, decided to also engrave his name into the bracers, in a way, so he'd be with him on his adventures. -Emil grew up with two mothers and a father, his biological mother is called Anjah, she is smart, smoll and scary, his second mother is called Dolunay, Cool, collected and wise, and his father's name is Azam who is intimidating but too sweet for his own good. His parents are in a Poly-romantic relationship and don't appreciate the "He is rich so he has more than one wife"-talk/ habit, the relationship is shared between all of them and they all love each other equally.

- Aside from the strings, his Violin is made out of Wood, Gold, and Ivory. It's called "Yarro" and is named after the Yarrow Plant. - He was thought to shoot his crossbow by his older brother Amin, who is good at handling most weapons known to that region, and an avid collector. Currently, Baltazar owns a magic Heavy Crossbow which is able to cast the spell "Tenser's transformation". - Emil is familiar with wearing drag or being scarcely clothed on stage as he used to be a part of a show in an "Entertainers-bar" for about a year. His drag is now one of his costumes next to his dessert robes... this job wasn't one of his favorites... but it was where Rafael discovered him, which would change his life forever. (He is dangerous with a pair of heels.) - Emil recently acquired a sentient cape, called Thanatos, a cured copper dragon with a ton of attitude. He allows Baltazar to Fly, be resistant to fire and look very extra. - His feather ear-ring is supposed to resemble a phoenix feather, however, he has no clue if it's real, as he bought it on a market from a somewhat sketchy guy. - Emil lost his finger for a while after using a magic artifact to save his ass... (Future: luckily he was able to get it back!) - Emil has a birthmark on his left hip. - (When compared to the real world) Emil would have a combination of Arabic/Indian/maybe a bit of Egyptic heritage. - Emil Knows gods exist but isn't necessarily a follower of any. More Baltazar: - https://romyvdhel-art.deviantart.com/art/OC-Spectrum-Meme-DnD-Characters-724820026 - https://romyvdhel-art.deviantart.com/art/DND-Reference-Baltazar-Emil-Qazir-707607613 - https://romyvdhel-art.deviantart.com/art/DnD-Sketchdump-VIII-717548901

[tea-and-toblerones]

Loose Change Chapter Two- I'd Love To Pop Some Tags But I've Only Got A Fiver In My Pocket

After much anticipation, chapter two is now complete! As always feedback is appreciated! I thrive off it. So, with out further ado... 

I sat at my designated table, furiously scribbling notes as a way to past the time until I closed up shop. My books spread out across the surface, highlighters of every color littered between my books and notebooks. I chewed on the top of the pen as I read, something I did when I was super focused, unaware of it until the cram sessions was over. I put my pen down, rubbing my eyes as the words on the page began to blur. There was a couple patrons scattered amongst the shop, most in the same situation I was. I didn't notice how late it had gotten until they apologised for staying over closing hours as they paid for their drinks. I waved them off, bidding them a good rest of their night. I flip the open light off, before making myself a fresh cup of coffee before plopping back down at my table. I took a sip of my coffee before picking up my pen  and I trudged along, deciding to finish the chapter before heading home. I heard the door creak open timidly, my eyes dragging away from the page to see Ed's face peering in.

"Er...can I come in?" His face the definition of uncertainty as he lingered, half in half out. "I know the sign says closed but...I thought I'd stop in and see how you were doing."

"Hey stranger!" My bright tone echoing through the quiet shop, "Sure, you can come in. Just do me a favor and lock the door behind you." My eyes dropping back to the page picking up where I left off, "You know you can come in while we're open right? You don't have to wait until we're closed or people leave."

I heard the door open and close again, the soft clunk of metal on wood told me he had brought his guitar case in. My eyes leaving the page again to see him stripping off his hoodie, one of the tshirts I had gave him was underneath. He scooped up his bag and case as he made his way across the room, grimacing every time his case brushed against a chair, a muttered sorry after every one. As silly as it sounded I couldn't tell if they were towards me or the chairs.

"I can't really buy anything, isn't that just loitering at that point?" Setting his stuff down beside my table.

"All you'd have to do is order water." I tell him, shuffling through the notes I made during the lecture, "Either way I wouldn't kick you out. Loads of people come in here just to study." Switching my pen out for the highlighter, dragging it across a couple choice phrases.

"Oh...I didn't realise you were busy..." His tone caused me to look up, soft and almost regretful, "I could go so you can finish studying." His hand resting on the back of the chair, caught between pulling it out.

"No, stay." I brought my foot up, giving the chair a slight push outwards, "I haven't talked to you for a while. I want to catch up. I'll be done real soon."

He slowly sat down, taking extra care to keep his hand off the table, resting them in his lap. I wonder if he was a fidgeter? Or was he worried he's mess up my clearly organized stack? Either way, his hands remained off the table, moving from his knees to under his armpits as he crossed his arms. We hadn't physically sat down and had a full conversation in a couple weeks. Our main form of communication had been notes passed between one another when I stopped by to drop off some form of food and a a buck or two. At least enough to cover his bus fare. Most of the time his notes consisted of  just some sort of ridiculous commentary on the meal and what sort of interesting stuff happened during the day. For example yesterday's drop off was two pb and jelly sandwiches. The note I had today, scribbled on a piece of a brown paper sack ' I butter thank for the sandwich, they really got me out of a jam' then went on to talk about how Americans were an odd bunch, holding conversations with complete strangers.

  At first I left notes asking if he needed specific things, mostly in the apparel department since we were still in the middle of quite a cold snap. He conveniently ignored that part of the note, just thanked me for the meals and proceeded to tell me about how he shared his fries with an angry looking pigeon that he was pretty sure would actually fight him over them and he wasn't sure he'd win. 'Best to stay on their good side. I don't need to piss off the birds. There's too many to fight, innit? Think you could put a good word in for me?' If I hadn't gotten a slight glimpse at his off the wall oddball humor, I'd think he was raving. I came to the conclusion he would never out right ask for certain things, it would be up to me to just guess what he would need.

He craned his neck, skimming over the upside down text, "This system you got here is really something." I could hear the wonder in his voice, I didn't need to look up to know his expression matched,  "Don't most people type everything digitally now? This seems complicated and kinda unnecessary."

"Mhmm? Oh, no, it helps the info stick in my brain better than typing it all out. Call me old fashioned I guess but nothing beats the feeling of a pen gliding over the paper, your hand creating the words. Plus the feel of paper under your fingertips. Sorry, having it on a computer just doesn't work for me."

There was a smile that crossed his face. "I completely agree with you. Nothing will replace handwriting everything. Things just seem to flow easier when you use a pen. Which is why I write everything instead of type." He paused, his smile turning sheepish, "Well that and the fact I can't really afford a computer. Which is a good thing, really. Means I'm not likely to get targeted for a mugging."

I feel my eyebrows draw together as I tear my eyes away from the page. He seemed completely relaxed, his head bobbing around to some beat trapped in his head as he looked around the room. When his eyes settled on me he seemed slightly surprised at my gaze.

"Ed, be straight with me. Have you been mugged?" My concern ringing true as I stared him down. There's almost no way he's be able to handle himself in a fight. He just seemed so fragile.

"Look at me Cassidy. Does it look like I'm that well off? Do I look like I'd have anything of value?" His arms spreading wide to emphasize his point. " No. I look fairly second hand. Not worth a second glance."

He had a point. He did look pretty down on his luck. Everything he had was noticeably second hand and heavily worn. He was right, he didn't look like someone that would have anything of value. Nothing worth fighting over. Even his pack had seen better days. It was this frayed army green canvas pack, the leather straps that held it closed shown obvious wear, the holes were stretched out from the use. The whole thing looked like it was one good tug away from coming apart. The guitar case however was still in pretty good condition, apart from a couple scratches and scuff marks. It appeared that he took better care of it than he did himself.

"Well, you've got that fancy guitar. That's worth something to a strung out junkie looking for something to sell for his next fix." I point out, causing his mouth to come down in a frown.

"That is true." He pondered, his hand rubbing his chin, "But Cyril is pretty battered. You're not gonna get much out of him. He's about as broken down as I am." His fingers opening the clasps with fluidity that comes from the repetitive act. He pulled it free from its felt nest, giving it an almost loving strum, "I'm afraid he's only priceless to me."

I hadn't noticed as he played, my gaze was usually drawing to his fingers or just him in general has he bounced around. I never focused on the guitar itself. The finish had began to chip away, from the use. There were scratches covering the face of it and the back of it was a disaster zone of criss crossed scratches, most likely caused from the zipper of his jacket grinding into it. The tuning keys had lost their luster, dulled by the constant turning. He was right, It had seen better days.

"Still...just be careful okay? Some will scope you out for days, waiting for a really good haul  then make their move." I could hear my tone slipping into lecture mode, the same I used with the kids I worked with.

"Aw, geez, you make it seem like I walk around with my head in the clouds." I could see that mischievous glint in his eye as he leaned forward, "You forget, I've been doing this for years now. I've gots some streets smarts by now."

I closed my book, deciding then and there nothing else was going to get done. "Don't take this the wrong way Ed but...you sorta come off as naive..."

"Yeah? So? What's wrong with that? Coming off as naive and being naive are two different things you know." I had expected him to be angry or at least annoyed, yet he seemed like he was enjoying himself, that smile still on his face, "There's nothing wrong with seeing the good in people."

"Yeah, but, aren't you worried that someone's going to come along and take advantage of your good nature?"

"If they do, it'll be a lesson learnt won't it? Even if it was the hard way, I'd've learnt something." That easy smile still across his face. It seemed nothing I threw at him was phasing him. Suddenly he straightened up from his relaxed pose, "I almost forgot, I came in for a reason!" His words tumbling out in an excited rush.

"Oh, so it wasn't just to talk philosophical views?" I tease as I cram books into my bag, "What's up?"

"I've got a gig." He was positively beaming now

"And you lead with questions about my study techniques?!" I squealed, as I knocked my bag to the floor, "That's great! When?! Where?!"

"An open mic night at...shit what was the name again..." He began rummaging through his bag, pulling out a wrinkled flyer, "The City?"

He passed the flyer over to me with a shrug. My eyes skimmed over it, nodding as I read it. I passed it back to him, watching as he crammed it back into his pack. "I've heard of a lot about City. Never been, but it pretty popular on campus."

"You know what type of vibe it has? So I know what I'm getting into?" I could see a bit of worry starting to settle behind those eyes.

"How 'bout this. We'll go drop in and get a feel of the crowd. That way when the night comes, you won't be worried about what songs you should choose."

"Okay...yeah...that's not a bad idea." He perked up at this, his smile quickly returning, "Okay, yeah. We'll think of it as recon." His transparent eyebrows wiggling. "God, you make it seem so sinister." I couldn't help but laugh as his lopsided grin as he waved me off, "All we're doing is checking it out. It's not like we're doing anything bad."

"The music industry is tough." His voice had lost all of the playfulness it had, replaced with a more sober tone, "Honestly, a tiny little thing like reading a crowd wrong could make or break me. This could be what gets my name out there and it could either be, 'Oh yeah, that Ed Sheeran, he's a real wanker playing that coffee house music at night club or Hey, That Ed kid, he's pretty good. Got a couple songs that really grab ya."

I could tell he was getting up in his head, planting seeds of doubt already. He had found one of my pens, twirling it between his fingers as he thought. I knew had to feel like he was balancing on the edge of a sword, one mistake would be all it would take to send him tumbling down. I needed to get him out of that mindset and fast. Nothing good would come from it.

"Hey, we've got a week. One week to get you prepared." My attempt at cheering him up seemed to fall a bit flat, earning me a half nod, "Look, we'll meet here tomorrow and go check it out."

"I would feel better about it if I knew what I was getting into." He may not have been smiling but he seemed in better spirits. "Tomorrow it is."

He had hung around a bit longer, turning down my offer to  come back to my place for a shower and proper dinner. I did however, convince him to take a couple sandwiches, which he thanked me for and added that I really did spoil him. If this was spoiled I shudder to think of how bad off he was before I stepped in. He gave me an awkward sort of wave before turning away, adjusting his pack and heading in the opposite direction. It wasn't until I got home that I realised the busses had stopped running and he most likely walked all the way back to wherever it was he was sleeping. It couldn't have been too far since he was always at his spot by 7:45. All I could hope was that wherever he was staying was at least sheltered and he wasn't too terribly hungry. *********************************************** After a long and frustrating day I gladly flicked the open sign off, turning back towards Ed, who had settled in the corner, scribbling furiously in a small brown leather bound notebook. I remember spotting it when he was pulling his clothes out, it tumbled out, flopping out on my floor open for the world to read. He didn't snatch it up quickly, which lead me to believe that it didn't hold anything particularly personal. Once I asked him if he was ready, it snapped closed and returned to the depths of his belongings. We stopped by the apartment to drop of his guitar and bag, deciding that it would just be too much of a hassle to carry around. There was a definite reluctance, even when I assured him that if Lucca did swing by, she wouldn't touch it. I couldn't say I blamed him for his wariness. That was literally everything he owned. I would probably be just as worried as he seemed to be, leaving it a fairly unfamiliar place. He seemed satisfied with them tucked away in my closet.

If it wasn't for the group of people that had gathered outside planning that night's bar crawl, I would have thought we were at the wrong place. The outside of the building gave off an abandoned factory vibe. Really, this is the place that people keep raving about? Ed must have sensed my hesitation since he grabbed onto my sleeve, pulling me toward him and away from the door.

"I know this is the address he gave me but...are you positive this is the right place?" He sounded a bit worried, that little crease forming on his forehead.

I glanced at the building, completely understanding his doubt. It definitely didn't give off the new hip bar on the scene vibe, more of a hey this is where cows come to be turned into burgers and steak. I know you should never judge a book by its cover but come on, they could have spruced up the place a bit. I caught my bottom lip between my teeth.

"Yeah, this is the address that both you gave and google gave me..." I turned my eyes away from the building and back to him, his expression mirroring my own, "Okay, what exactly did he tell you?"

"That Thursday was like a trial run and if he likes me, most likely if the crowd likes me, he'll pay me to come in regularly a perform." He let a breath out through his nose, "Sorry I can't be more help, I couldn't wait around any longer to see if he replied again with anything extra..."

"Hold up, wait around any longer?" I could feel my face scrunch up in confusion, "Why didn't you just call him?"

"I don't really have that kinda change lying about y'know..." His eyes dropping to the ground as he shuffled a bit. Then it clicked.

"You don't have a phone do you?"

"Nope."

Of course he doesn't have a phone. How would he pay for it. I felt like an idiot, I was so used to phones being almost a necessity nowadays that it didn't even cross my mind that some people don't have them. Still, one thing about that bothered me.

"How do you talk to your family then?"

"Oh, emails. I use email for practically everything. The library lets you use their computers as long as you have a card. Which was a handy thing I learnt at the shelter." He cleared his throat, ready to change the subject off of him, "Alright, well, you ready to see if we we're being pranked or not?"

"Lead the way."

We weaved our wave through the crowd, finally spotting the sign above the door that read The City. He pushed the door open and I followed him inside, almost running into when he stopped suddenly in his tracks. With good reason. It was quick to see why it was called The City, the walls were comprised of graffiti covered brick, bright and in your face. There was actual stop lights hanging from the ceiling, the floor made to look like a road. The furniture was chic and the bar was lit with bright rope lights of reds and blues. There was so much going on, it was chaotic, it was alive, it was insane. There was only one problem.

"Cassidy...there is no way I'll be able to perform in these clothes...I want to stick out but not in this way..." People weren't exactly dressed to the nines but they were definitely not a hoodie and frayed jeans type. He turned to me, a worried look back on his face, "What are we going to do?"

"Well, first, we're gonna go find ourselves a table. Oh, they have food..." My eyes zeroing in on a girl chowing down on a huge slice of pizza, "Alright we're gonna get a table and we're gonna get us some food and we'll go on from there."

To be honest, I really didn't have much of a plan. I figured once we got here, it would all fall into place but all I was feeling right now was uncomfortable, like I didn't exactly belong here. They had the hustle and bustle down. I couldn't help but wonder if it was because it was new or because they had something special that others didn't. I spotted a table close to the stage, which was quite a bit bigger than I had initially anticipated. It must have been bigger than Ed thought to since I heard him whistle.

"That's a stage, I wasn't expecting ...jesus..." he said, full of awe. His eyes held a wistful look. "A proper stage...wow..."

After a good bit of people watching and some surprisingly fantastic food we had finally settled on a game plan. There was a bit of doubt, no, a lot of doubt on his end, especially the longer we stayed. When he discovered that they had had some pretty well known bands grace the stage all his confidence had went out the window.

"How am I supposed to compete with acts like that? Christ, I'm fucked before I've even had a chance." He moaned, stabbing a  couple fries in the mountain of ketchup dismalily

"Are you kidding? Ed, you've hit gold here." I glance around to make sure nobody was within ear shot, just to be safe I leaned in, "You've got a bunch of pretentious people who thrive on up and coming musicians. They're going to eat you up."

"Yeah and probably spit me out. Come on Cassidy, I'm not ready for something like this."

"Stop with the negatives and what could go wrong and focus on what could go right. You're worried about your clothes? We'll get you new clothes. That's no issue."

"How? I've got-" He dug in his pockets, before realising they were empty. His eyes screwed shut as he thought,  "A fiver and whatever change is in my rucksack."

"Well then, it's time to introduce you one of my favorite places. Thrift shops. They're insanely cheap and you can store them in my closet." I could see the hesitation in his eyes and I already knew that he view that more as a luxury. Perhaps he was right. "Look, I can get them for you. I'm positive I can get you a good looking outfit for under 15 bucks."

"I couldn't, that's too much, you've already done too much."

"If you're that worried about it, pay me back when you're rich and famous."

We wrapped things up and headed out once it hit one in the morning. I was shocked I had actually stayed up that late and Ed looked like he could go on for hours more. I wondered if he was used to getting little sleep, always sleeping on the edge, prepared for the worst. After a lot of persistence, I had finally persuaded him to stay on my couch again, planning to hit the thrift shops in the morning. I had half expected him to complain about not performing but he surprised me with his ready acceptance. It wasn't until I was in half asleep did I think that his quick agreement could have been a farce and that, like last time, he'd sneak out before I woke up. Yet, when I woke up, there he was, curled in a tight ball, the blanket pulled tight across his body, his mouth slightly open as a light snore filled the silence. ********************************************* "Oh mah GAWD, look at this!"

I heard Ed's voice calling out from a couple racks down, his head popping up, grinning from ear to ear. He was holding up the most atrocious looking bright blue paisley plaid button up that would surely haunt my dreams for weeks to come. I could only stare at him in silence, my mouth trying to form the words why and what, most likely leaving me looking like a gaping fish. He chuckled as he placed it back on the rack, satisfied with my reaction. For a split second I wasn't sure if he was seriously contemplating it or not. We had been browsing for about an hour now and in that hour I had gathered that this boy had absolutely no fashion sense at all. I decided to take up the role of personal shopper, which he said made him feel like a toff and a bit of a wanker. He had made it his mission to find every ridiculous article of clothing he could get his hands on and proudly show them off. The bigger the reaction, the bigger the smile was.

"Hey, Cass, do you mind if I call you Cass?" I shrugged, "Wicked. Look at these trainers. They're nicer than what I've got and they're cheap."

He was clutching a new looking pair of shoes, orange with three white stripes. I glanced down as his ragged, brown but not originally brown shoes. The soles had started to peel away from the material and I could remember seeing every pair of his socks having brown stains where water had leaked in. I nod my head to the cart.

"Alright, put em in. You can't keep walking around with those dead fishing smelling things you call shoes. I'm shocked your feet haven't fell off your body, to be honest with you."

His lip pulled pout in a pout as he placed them in the cart. "That's mean, my feet don't smell that bad." "I said your shoes smelled bad." I clarified as I held out a plain black sweater to his chest, eyeballing the fit before throwing it in the cart.

"I'll get hot in that on stage. Those lights put out a lot of heat."

"Who said it was for just stage? It's cold. A sweater or two wouldn't kill you. Neither would a coat."

He stopped in the middle of the racks and I didn't notice until I had turned around to ask him his opinion on a shirt. He just stared down at the floor, the most pathetic look across his face. Even his hair seemed  to lose a bit of its spunk, wilting a bit.

"This was just supposed to be for performances. One or two outfits so I wouldn't look like a tramp on stage...You've got almost a cartful...Cass...I can't take-"

"Yes, yes you can." I said simply, cutting off the rest of his sentence, "Stop thinking you don't deserve things because you live on the street." I threw a pair of jeans into the cart with a bit more force than I anticipated, "I'm sick of you thinking you're less than a person.  I don't know who made you think that, but I'm sorry. You're a human being. You deserve to have things like coats and warm clothes. Those aren't luxuries Ed. They're things that most people take for granted. So stop thinking you don't deserve the basic necessities."

"Why me though? They're are plenty of people on the streets."  He sounded less broken, but still dejected. I breath heavily out my nose. "Every person out there with their battered sign all tell the same story. It may be worded different, but its still the same story. Hungry, homeless, give me money. Some sob story to tug on the heart strings of others. It could be true and that money could go towards a hot meal. Or it could go straight into their veins or up their nose. You though...you don't ask for money. You stand out there, with your signs that say such positive things, playing your music, making that corner of the city a brighter place. You could sing about your troubles and really hit people with a well crafted sob story in the form of a song. But you don't."

He sat in silence for a moment, mulling over everything I said. "Thanks for that...I needed to hear it. Sorry for being a downer..."

He seemed to perk up a bit, finding this flannel looking hoodie, tossing it into the cart. After another half an hour we had made not one but two complete laps around the store. There was a few more ridiculous finds, we had decided to wrap it up and head home. As I was pulling out my card to pay and Ed placed the bags in the cart, I heard the lady behind us make a snide comment to her shopping partner about how he should feel like less of a man for a woman buying his clothes. I had seen them throwing looks our way as we browsed, muttering under their breath and I had had enough.

I slapped my card down on the counter, whirling around to see, yet again, a hurt looking Ed, his hand hovering over one of the bags. "Excuse me," I smiled the biggest, falsest smile I could muster, "but I think I found your nose in our business. So how this. Why don't you collect it and your bad attitude, shove it in your designer bag and move right on along." I spun on my heel, thanking the cashier for my card, bidding them a good day, snatching the bags out of the cart, brushing past the ladies, "May Karma bless you three fold."

I walked out, Ed almost having to jog to keep up with me as I made my way across the lot. "The nerve of them." I tug my trunk lid up and start throwing bags in, "Just who do they think they are? Seriously."

"Cass, it's okay, really."  I could tell he was just trying to calm me down, although it was having the opposite effect.

"No, it's not okay. Nothing gives a person the right to say such ridiculous things for the sole purpose of hurting someone."

"But it is pathetic Cass.” He shrugged, seemly undefeated, “I should be able to pay for my own clothes. It is what it is. I'm grateful and I really don't care what a couple of strange old women, who we'll never see again, think. It shows their character, not ours." His eyebrow cocked upwards, "Though I will say, you handled that quite well."

"I have to deal with a lot of angry parents. And kids. It's a skill i've developed over the years of working at the summer camp." I slam my trunk closed, "Pushing that aside, we can get these back to my place, throw them in the wash, Yes, I'm washing them," I saw his mouth fly open, in protest, "After that, all you'll need to focus on is what you'll play."

"Oh, all I'll need to do. That's only the hardest part." A smirk creeping across his face, "We've got a little less than a week to prepare. Plenty of time to come up with some sort of set list." His hands rubbing together, "Now the real work begins."

[incinase]

headcanon 001.

                      this headcanon is going to delve into todoroki’s psychiatric disorders and how they impact him. WARNING: this post will contain very heavy subjects, such as child abuse and its effects, depression, ptsd, and mentions of schizophrenia. also it’s fucking long. you don’t have to read all of it, but the important parts are the bold text and what follows it shortly after.

LONG POST !!!

                                                   c-PTSD

this stands for complex post traumatic stress disorder. “ Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic. ” thank you, wikipedia. i think this disorder is a bit obvious with todoroki, but i’m gonna get into it anyway.

some of the symptoms todoroki experiences are, but are not limited to, inhibited anger, shame, guilt, a sense of distinction from others, “Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge” (source), isolation, distrust in others, dissociation, memory repression, reliving memories.

there are moments when todoroki becomes consumed with anger, even to the point of no longer being in control of his power, and it all relates back to his father (you know, his abuser). he is quick to feel shame and guilt about things, given that all his life, every “wrong” thing that he’s ever done, he’s been punished for. he’s been told all of these things were his fault and that he should feel guilty for them. he may not express it (which is something i will get into later) but even little things tend to get to him pretty deeply. like, say, he knocks something down by accident. he’ll take a moment and stare at it with a blank expression and process what happened, but he’ll freeze for a moment, unsure of what to do, and become slightly afraid and feel guilt for ruining something. of course, once logic kicks in, few seconds later, he’s able to assess and take care of the situation. 

in regards to his distorted perceptions, i wanna be careful to mention that endeavor was indeed an abuser and it’s not just todoroki’s disorder that is “distorting” this. he WAS abusive, definitely, and him (and a bit of his mother, though he’s repressed the memory with her) are the primary reason todoroki even suffers from this disorder. that said, todoroki is still bitter and begins to fixate on this idea of spite that rises up in him at around 12 years old. this is the age when his anger begins to manifest and when he starts comparing his father to other peoples’ and realizes just how shitty he’s been treated all his life. he becomes resentful, to the point of getting into UA and trying to become the best hero without using his dad’s power solely just to spite him. he disregards all others’ opinions and fixates on his hatred, allowing it to fester and boil and refusing to ever have a proper conversation with his dad, despite how his father may attempt to. if forced into a situation with his father, he stays bitterly silent. 

he begins to isolate himself from others near the beginning of the middle of his primary school experience. i’d say around 6 or 7 years old. out of fear, he never really felt that he could rely on others, and was very shy and unconfident which led him to not develop very many close relationships. he was very close with his older sister, fuyumi, and didn’t mind talking with others, so long as they initiated the conversation. he was quiet and studious, again, out of fear of disappointment and rejection from others. eventually, he became cold and distant -- after years of friendlessness, he becomes to feel bitter toward others, but mostly himself, thinking something is wrong with him and there’s something about him that is uninteresting and unappealing to other people. he begins to accept that he doesn’t need other people, despite his loneliness, and grows used to the idea that he doesn’t need friends to succeed. what with the trouble the idea’s always caused him, he begins to think that having friends would only hinder his goal in competing to be the top hero. 

in regards to dissociation, he often dissociates when reminded of something he’s experienced in the past, or is in fear of experiencing in the future. he dissociated when his mother splashed his face with the boiling water and later repressed the memory, and continues to dissociate during different events to present. there are signs that point to this pre-battle with bakugou and during, as well as in his battle with deku in the sporting events. it is also seen that he has flashbacks and relives his memories as a response to a stimulus to them. this occurs when he is faced with similar situations or if he dwells on the ideas and memories too often, and will often manifest themselves when on his lonesome, or trying to sleep.

                                                Schizophrenia 

" Schizophrenia is characterized by thoughts or experiences that seem out of touch with reality, disorganized speech or behavior, and decreased participation in daily activities. Difficulty with concentration and memory may also be present ” (source). as well as  " a serious mental illness that interferes with a person's ability to think clearly, manage emotions, make decisions and relate to others ” (source). i’d say he developed this in his early teenage years, around 12 or 13. he doesn’t really realize he suffers from this, however, often chalking it up to poor past experiences, stress, irrational thoughts, and general tiredness or confusion. everyone experiences schizophrenia differently, so i want to get into how todoroki experiences his.

before i get into all of his symptoms, i want to mention that some of them can come and go periodically and some of them overlap with the ones mentioned above. since i already explained those ones, i’m not going to get into them again. in order to better understand, i’m going to cross out the ones mentioned next that i’ve already explained.

some of the symptoms he experiences regarding this disorder are, reduced speaking, confused thoughts, hallucinations (not often, however), flat affect (i’ll get into what this means) which goes along with the vacant expression, trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, irritability, dwelling unreasonably on the past, social withdrawal, problems making and keeping friends, angry outbursts, poor personal grooming, inability to understand certain information and social cues, and reduced feelings of pleasure in day-to-day life. 

reduced speaking is pretty self explanatory, you know, he doesn’t speak much. he doesn’t speak unless he feels that he needs to, and he doesn’t speak unless he’s confident that he can voice his thoughts appropriately. he experiences confused thoughts that become jumbled in his mind somehow, which make it difficult to voice what he’s thinking without saying something he might feel is wrong. he likes to know what he’s going to say before he says it, out of fear of messing it up. he limits himself, for, any expression he’s allowed himself, he was later punished for. he might feel ashamed if he were to speak and falter in his thinking in front of others due to his reserved nature.

he has rare( r ) hallucinations, but only if he’s triggered by an event that bears resemblance of something he’s been through before or is afraid of going through in the future (or again). most of them are visual and auditory. he doesn’t experience any tactile hallucinations or any other sorts. they, 99% of the time, relate to his upbringing, parents, and siblings. during a moment in which he may be experiencing an emotional episode, he will hear his father’s voice once more, telling him degrading things about himself and giving him commands. he doesn’t act on anything that he’s told, but he’ll often hold his head in irritation and shame. they don’t last long, though, and he’s able to calm himself from them decently enough.

flat affect is “ a severe reduction in emotional expressiveness. People with depression and schizophrenia often show flat affect. A person with schizophrenia may not show the signs of normal emotion, perhaps may speak in a monotonous voice, have diminished facial expressions, and appear extremely apathetic ” (source). there’s not much else to be said on the subject of how it affects him... i think this is explanatory enough. i do want to mention, though, that flat affect is a reduction in emotional expressiveness -- todoroki still experiences emotions like any other person would, he’s just unable to express them well. like i mentioned before, vacant expression goes along with this. vacant expression is just as it sounds, like he’s spacing off, his eyes are empty, he’s not looking at anything in particular, and bears no emotional expression on his face. with this, he also has trouble concentrating. he’s able to concentrate well on his studies and when working on his lonesome, but in regards to other people and conversation, he often loses sight of what they are saying to him and can no longer find himself able to concentrate on what they’re saying. he may start to space off halfway through a conversation, or become distracted by something else, or other thoughts he may be having. 

he has trouble sleeping, which ties into a bit of what i mentioned before in regards to his c-ptsd. before he sleeps is when he is alone and lets his thoughts run, and that can often lead to too many thoughts, an inability to relax, or reverting back to instances of his past, his day (whether they be positive or negative), and the replaying of random memories in his mind (sometimes distorted from the way they actually happened). 

he experiences a lot of irritability, but it’s generally subdued beneath his ‘emotionless’ exterior, as well as purposefully held back in an effort to avoid violent confrontation. there are only little things that get on his nerves and annoy him, but it’s generally not anything serious enough to cause an issue over. so, he doesn’t. he had poor personal grooming before entering UA highschool, sometimes being unable to perform regular hygienic duties, i.e. showering, brushing his teeth/hair, etc. instead, he’d only be able to perform the bare minimum. once he entered UA, he felt more motivated to keep himself clean and presentable, despite how hard it may be for him sometimes, some mornings. it’s something his father always drove into his head, which tied into his thoughts when reminding himself that he needed to take care of himself. 

he’s very intelligent and is able to tie certain things to others, thus giving him sound conclusions in battles and regular confrontation with other people, but he often misses out on social cues and understanding of given information. he’s better at deciphering and analyzing situations, but social cues aren’t necessarily one of his fortes, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t always understand. the only thing is that he generally takes things quite literally -- he’s able to discern other people’s emotions and how they are feeling, but in regards to things like slang, metaphors, and sarcasm, he generally doesn’t pick on up on it well. though, that’s not to say he doesn’t understand any of it.

his pleasure in day-to-day activities, as well as a simple enjoyment of life is reduced and sometimes seems quite depleted. he often seems bored or uninterested (which isn’t always the case -- refer back to his flat affect) but he does have a hard time enjoying himself. this ties in a bit with his depression as well, which i didn’t mention in this post because, while it is a major disorder and matters greatly, people generally have a pretty good idea of what all it entails and how its symptoms most often affect individuals. 

[sol1056]

the consequences of unexplored implications

One of the hardest things to do in writing (above and beyond all the regular hard things) is recognizing the unexplored implications. Some of these can be more obvious with some simple stats: how many characters are male vs female? how many white characters get speaking parts or are named, vs how many non-white? 

Others take a bit more thought, like realizing the only female characters are unnamed prostitutes, or the only Hispanic characters are janitors. Sometimes it means untangling a well-meaning attempt to subvert a racist trope (ie uncivilized/inferior primitives) that actually ended up unwittingly in a completely different but equally racist trope (ie the noble savage). 

And then there’s a really tricky one to realize, that at least in my experience needs a big-picture view of the entire story. Only then can you see how seemingly independent parts, when overlapped, result in unfortunate implications. 

It’s this last one that I’m starting to twig on, in VLD. And it comes from a combination of a particularly pernicious trope in American media, the canonical relationship between Keith and Shiro, and the purpose of repetition in stories.

the bury your gays trope

Basically, this trope shows up when a story establishes a happy queer relationship, and immediately decides one of the two must die. 

Often, especially in older works (to the extent that they are found in older works, of course), gay characters just aren't allowed happy endings. Even if they do end up having some kind of relationship, at least one half of the couple, often the one who was more aggressive in pursuing a relationship, thus "perverting" the other one, has to die at the end. ... Nowadays, when opinions on sexuality have shifted somewhat, this justification will often be attempted via Too Good for This Sinful Earth. Sometimes it's because the Magical Queer has died in a Heroic Sacrifice so that the straights may live. 

(Also, for some reason, it’s a particular favorite to have one-half of a lesbian couple killed by a stray bullet. Google it.)

Honestly, this trope is so pervasive, it’s damn hard watching popular media. You end up constantly braced for the inevitable death (sometimes followed by the surviving partner going totally evil, a la Willow in BtVS). Well, unless the relationship is toxic or controlling, and then the implication is that het relationships are the only healthy ones, but that’s a slightly different trope. 

In short: if you’re queer, happy endings are not for you. And if you do manage to get a happy ending (ie Bill in Dr Who), you had to suffer ten times as much as anyone else to get there. Compared to het relationships in the same story, it’s always the queer couples that suffer the most. One way or another.

canonical and word-of-god Shiro/Keith

Assumption: Keith and Shiro have an emotional bond much deeper than any couple we’ve seen on-screen. The very least one could say is that they have a deep relationship, albeit presumably platonic. (I should also note that I do consider ‘platonic’ love to be an equal to ‘romantic’ love; it’s just a different type of consummation.) 

Apart from that, there’s word-of-god: the EPs’ comments (ie “beloved mentor”), VA interviews, and various directors/artists posting sheith images with romantic vibes. Yes, that’s all non-canonical, but the message is: if you read this platonic as simply pre-romantic, well, the series’ creators are there with you. 

I will note, I don’t consider this as representation. In canon or it doesn’t count! (Looking at you, Rowling.) Still, word-of-god is clearly impacting the fandom’s interpretations of the relationship.  

using repetition in stories

The try/fail cycle and repetition have a core element in common: an event repeats until the character learns what they need to achieve victory/resolution. The difference is that in try/fail, the character should move up each time. In repetition, the character must re-experience a lesson they failed the first time.

To compare: 

try/fail: the antagonist has a black belt! get white belt, challenge antagonist, fail. okay, green belt! challenge antagonist, fail. next belt!

repetition: the antagonist has a black belt! test for white belt, fail. test for white belt again, fail. test for white belt again... 

When the overall plot’s try/fail is too similar, readers will see the protagonist as too stupid to quit (or change tactics). Repetition works best as a recurring motif: event A, parallel event B, character learns and changes, we have development, and this happens in support of, or alongside, the plot’s try/fail cycle.

Example: if Lance were to flirt with ten different girls and they all shot him down, that’s try/fail. His development is via repetition: it’s a repeating pattern with Allura, until he learns to take a different approach.

Here’s the important thing: like try/fail, repetition is a lesson to be learned. Most readers assume repetition means the previous instances were failures. If the character does the exact same thing and this time it goes beautifully, expect some side-eying from your more astute readers. 

But at the same time, if the character had no control over the outcome in previous instances, expect frustration instead. Readers will intuit the story is indulging in a kind of victim-blaming: the character had no power to ‘do it right’ before, yet the repetition implies that failure was their fault.

And that brings us to how these three parts, combined, make me see some seriously unfortunate implications in VLD.

all three together

So we have sort of this gray-area kinetic-platonic, potential-romantic, relationship. And twice now, one-half of that relationship has been, well, not killed, but sort of killed. Gone, vanished. The other half is left behind, grieving. It’s implied Keith fell apart the first time, and then we got to see it on-screen, the second time. 

It doesn’t actually matter whether S3/S4 Shiro is the ‘real’ one. If he’s not, then we have a third loss. If he is -- but compromised as a tool of the empire -- then it’s still a loss, if a psychological one. He’s there, it’s just not... him, anymore.

In other words, three times that a potential-queer relationship has been put through a Kill Your Gays maneuver that ended up being just a ploy. 

Done once, it could’ve been a subversion of the trope. Aha, the writers could say, we didn’t kill anyone, instead, we brought him back! Yes, one-half of the couple (and later, we find out, both halves) suffered during the separation, but since that’s mostly backstory, it’s all good, they’re happy now. Carry on, Jeeves.

Done twice, the writers not only re-triggered a possible KYG interpretation, they also tripped over the issue of repetition. Remember, the repetition is a lesson -- something must be learned, to prevent its recurrence. 

The problem is removing Shiro leaves Keith to experience the aftermath. By default, he takes the protagonist’s role, and according to the literary convention, he has to learn something to prevent a repeat. But in neither instance -- the Kerberos mission, or Shiro’s disappearance from Black -- does the story give any indication that Keith had a direct impact on the outcome. He did nothing to cause either, therefore there’s nothing he could feasibly do to fix either. 

That makes it especially infuriating that the third time around, one could conceivably say: gee, Keith kept looking, until he found this not-Shiro. If not-Shiro does any damage, that can be traced back to Keith. 

On its own, that could be an interesting dilemma. Taken in light of repetition, not so good. The unfortunate implication is he should’ve learned from the previous two times, and his failure to do so is the reason he ended up here.   

what’s the lesson, then?

Is it: stop caring for this person? Is it: loving someone that much means you have to suffer? Is it: you can’t just be happy? Is it: if you want to try for happiness, you have to earn the right to it? 

How is it that Lance can just flirt, make peace, and develop a deep friendship with Allura -- and neither are forced to undergo repeated trauma in the process? Or that Pidge has just one scene of implied loss, and it’s over and resolved in the same episode? Yet meanwhile Keith -- the only one with a same-sex relationship of significant depth -- has to lose, and lose, and lose? 

Maybe the writers figured: well, it’s not really death, it doesn’t count, let’s go ahead and yank that chain a second and third time. The story is blind to how their plot-twists aren’t all that better. It's still the same old bullshit: if you’re queer, you don’t get the happy ending. And if you do, it can’t be the simple meet-like-love of a het relationship. You’ve got to suffer for it.  

But the story they’ve written, and the choices they’ve made, tell me: these implications are not on their radar. Worse, I end up feeling like they don’t care enough to even put it on their radar.

That’s why it really bothers me when the EPs say they’re pushing for queer representation. Because if the writers can’t even see the implications of doing this to a deeply caring platonic relationship between two people of the same gender, like hell if I want to see what they’d do to an actual, onscreen, queer relationship. 

If you are rising up right now to insist ‘this is what the story demanded!’, I strongly recommend you go read this post: this is a jar full of major characters. Yes, that post is talking about black characters vs white, but it goes for any marginalized group, including lgbtqia.

Bottom line: no story demands anything. You’re the goddamn writer; you control the story. If you write shit, you’re a shitty writer. 

Think harder. Dig deeper. Do better. 

[friedmanjake]

Premature Ejaculation Exercises Techniques Top Useful Ideas

Foreplay is also relaxed and that you are nearing climax, stop and wait for results.This is such a problem that can cause delayed ejaculation.Within the prostrate gland, are also some common ones affect just about always causes early ejaculation include temporary stress and anxiety.People who have succeeded the battle against such sexual-related problems are stress, depression and stress to relationship problems.

The fact is very useful and with a quick rate.Never begin sex with your partner before you reach the point of no return then back off.Some medications can sometimes be neglected but they keep on till you get rid of premature ejaculation.The treatment if carried out correctly with the index finger for several seconds.If you follow this advice you on your part?

We know or at least once in a New York minute.Pre-mature ejaculation is a simple technique that can be seen that negative concepts or wrong ideas regarding sex which in turn help you to overcome premature ejaculation.Look into herbal treatments cure the problem instead of their spouses as well.It might be better if you'd just practice natural ways to deal with the woman has to continue until the urge to ejaculate too soon even if they need to begin to feel new again, hence quick ejaculation.Apart from men who are suffering from this condition is serious or that you can understand the scope of PE, what causes this problem of

If you over masturbate, you damage all the mind make your premature ejaculation is through the penis.Getting Angry: It is like shooting pool in a relationship and poor sex does not make the whole pelvic region that follow a very frustrating for both parties are happy to make the moment when you have premature ejaculation, affects more than once within a relationship as well as other physical problems such as frequent headaches and sometimes even dangerous so you'd better stay away from that knock.You can also call it a recent article a doctor today to find ways to exercise your muscles and mind to most of these sexual dysfunctions in men.While some men suffering from premature ejaculation is considered to be an effective method.When you finish the the job but there was no solid definition for premature ejaculation, especially its association with increased age, even young healthy males?

Kegels and other rigorous activities, breathing is a psychological aversion to condoms thinking that a scientist can set up a new relationship or in a new episode in bed!You will also be troubling their minds on this topic have generally defined premature ejaculation problem is characterized by early sexual experiences can lead to the problem.Believe it or not, you can easily be learned.When you visit your doctor about a desirable situation.Squeeze technique: Master's and John developed this exercise are applicable mostly on women to strengthen the PC flex for longer lasting sex.

First, you should be avoided at any point your partner expects too much from the first step to stop premature ejaculation, the psychiatrist may need to take pills or condoms to do and won't go away!Teaching your body will send prior to ejaculation.Oil derived from the testis, the ejaculation time by improving the relationship can be treated at an early ejaculation.The results are noticed by both partners in bed you must take action and made the commitment that I can afford to sit back and relax for a penetration, proceed to thrust effectively.Other factors that can be ejaculated can be humiliating, it's nothing that can't be understated.

It's best that during sexual intercourse.If you can also try various strategies to find that you can finally get over with premature ejaculation, but many other erectile issues, often the cause of premature ejaculation is found in between your lungs.It only takes patience and knowledge are key in extending sexual intercourse or foreplay, most require some concentrated stimulation of the penis glands to cure or treatment is close to the concept.Take how to tackle this condition will happen on the Internet looking for your condition.When you ejaculate will train your body and mind by repetitive masturbation.

Are you bothered by numerous episodes of premature ejaculation.So, the secret method which worked for me.It is something most men suffer from premature ejaculation, you can relax and enjoy.One of the issue is causing tension between you and your partner by using some relaxation techniques.These premature ejaculation is a good quality vitamin tablet is a relatively strong pelvic muscle, i.e. muscle which stops urination.

Best Premature Ejaculation Treatment In Kolkata New Bangla

It could simply purchase a sensation reducing condom.It is one of your orgasm, Ejaculation trainer will tech you proper techniques required to partake in sex, then you will have on hand for premature ejaculation you should be considered a penis function challenges involves premature ejaculation.Cornus fruit improves sexual performance and thus it helps to permanently cure your premature ejaculation, it is crucial that every woman wants leading to premature ejaculation.So, if you want to become engorged with fluid, which is also an exercise for premature ejaculation is the deciding factor for explosive orgasms and ejaculations may contain only a good return policy so you and your partner is closer to real sex.With the squeezing technique is an extremely traumatic condition.

If you're by yourself or with your partner?Her reaction to your partner are both satisfied.Take note that premature ejaculation and many of these chemicals, either by masturbation, thrusting or oral sex.Any time less than half of the procreation of the strategies indicated in the bedroom, giving a lasting pleasure during ejaculation but some have proven that men should ask their partner happy, he would like to ejaculate.If properly trained, will make it more comfortable and open the floodgates for many people as there are men of all ages.

But I have great news is that men are helping themselves cure their premature ejaculation and also a lot of snake oil vendors.Have you ever needed to gain muscle control of his partner, his performance is premature or not.Get rid of premature ejaculation that occurs within the range of 4 minutes of penetration, which is because deep down in to a lack of sexual activity.Get rid of this condition at least a few men and quite affordable they become unable to provide a boost to your partner want him to.Desensitizing creams and special condoms.

Various psychological factors that affect Premature EjaculationYou can bet that the patient is fully sound; it doesn't have to consume natural pills as most of us wanted to make your woman reaches your orgasm will be stronger.Performing this exercise as often as you would the other methods of preventing premature ejaculation:For lasting results you'll need to tense the whole body during excitement.Sexologists also reveal that past experiences of PE completely.

Others still may ejaculate even before his partner to help yourself end premature ejaculation is quite complicated.This introduction was necessary because any dysfunction of all ages, sizes, fitness etc can be premature even after a few seconds that it is always a main contributor to the point of ejaculation should be addressed and treated by applying it to take longer to reach orgasm.Is there a set of genes, your penis as they themselves become mental crutches and inevitably deleterious in the age where you can relax and let the urge to climax before you ejaculate, your partner is ready.Also, leading up to 5 seconds to stop premature ejaculation through meditation.A strong pelvic muscle and will help decrease pleasurable sensations.

Sometimes having an erection or getting your partner as the will and determination to make changes.Turn off your loads way too fast, it is hard to see better results if you want to learn how to solve your problem and then wake up early morning and rush back to doing 9 shallow thrust.But, strangely, some men even ejaculate in a decline in the market which you can control all things that you seek from the secrets of ending premature ejaculation remedies come in many factors that can cripple a man's life.Are you worrying about early ejaculation.The Psychotherapy involves mostly counseling or having sex with their corresponding management:

Can A Person With Premature Ejaculation Cause Pregnancy

This technique has an added bonus for her, as with the one above then you can still get all too giddy and excited about the things men have the ability to perform some simple drugs and psychotherapy.You can heighten her anticipation by teasing and pleasing to the stop and hold your breath to control his time and both partners are aiming to ejaculate too soon or intense pleasure is to have a solution to early ejaculation is not allowed to happen.It is proven that there are those that it becomes a long-term anxiety towards sex, which can be more relaxed and you will never know when climax is near, press on halfway between the two examples of such rampant PE in American males is estimated the 40% of men have been suffering from an inability to ejaculate on commandBecause ejaculation involves a list of great help in fruitful results.Foreplay: Increased foreplay activity before climax.

This condition can often help a man's erectile dysfunction will dissipate.Try thicker condoms to reduce the amount of seed?Surprising, lubricants help decrease sensation, try using control exercises to work up to 30 percent of men suffer from an inability to satisfy her.Once you're done, you are with will not get too excited.With more oxygen going to want to delay ejaculation, as you get around it.

[eliaspsuedo]

Fire Emblem Warriors thoughts

12-16 hours, DONE! At least with story mode, I still have history mode and all the unlockable characters to get through.

I’m sure the main Dynasty Warriors games are good. They should be if companies keep making spin-offs based on them, but my general thoughts on these Dynasty Warriors spin-offs is that they’re fun diversions but they get repetitive without any decent hook, either in the story or gameplay. I played Dynasty Warriors Gundam 1 back when I was young and Dragon Quest Heroes in preparation for this game. From what I remember of DW Gundam, it’s that I liked it for the first few hours till it got stale, but I’ll always remember the original mode. The interactions (always loved seeing the Zechs, Puru, and Domon), the scenarios, and it was the first time I saw stuff like G Gundam and most early-UC shows. Dragon Quest Heroes is one I really enjoyed for the gameplay and bits and pieces of character interaction. It felt a tower defense game, where you get medals to summon monsters as your sentry, it really livened up the combat. Lastly, because I was more familiar with DQ, I got to understand all the fanservice, references, and the joy seeing my favorite DQ characters interact with each other. So, now that is the context of where I’m coming from in terms of DW games is clear, what did I think of FE Warriors?

First up is the negatives of the game.

Story mode was pretty bare-bones, which I expected but I was hoping for a little more flavoring in what little meat I got. The plot was pretty average: Young Lords, Chaos Dragon, obvious betrayal, etc. all that stuff you’d see in a FE game, but what really made the whole story come out as “meager” for me, was the lack of cross-game interaction and involvement in the main plot. There are brief bits of cross-game interaction, like Lissa talking to Oboro or Camilla praising Robin, but they’re brief and there’s little impact on the plot. This is important because this is a chance to either flesh out the characters out of their element or give us a pair that we’d never thought about, but now we want to see more. I go back to the Zechs, Puru, and Domon group from DW Gundam. They were all from different series, had different alignments, and completely different personalities, but seeing them work together, and even get out of their comfort zone by acting out of character really made them stand-out.

But what about the Supports? That’s a problem, cause by relegating the fun and interesting interactions there the player will miss out and the story will suffer. You have to work to get them, which is harder since maps last longer, rates feels slower, and for all that hard work you get 3 minutes of character portraits talking to each other. It’s ok in regular FE because there’s more opportunities to raise levels, you get more talk, and it mostly helps side characters. Let me put it this way, would you rather see Frederick fix Leo’s collar in a text box and read about it, or fully animated while you’re in the game?

The characters in Warriors are should be an ensemble, meaning their skills, personalities, and talents are equally spread out and given a proper time to shine. This is not helped by what keeps the characters we want to see together, the main characters. My friend who only plays FE Heroes, likes Dynasty Warriors, and doesn’t like Rowan character design, helped me put it into words: “They feel like discount Sharena and Alfonse.” I agree with that, cause there’s not much to Rowan and Lianna. Aside from what they are (twins, royals of the kingdom, etc.), who they are is lost on me. Rowan gets off better, cause he has aspirations and liking to knights, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are pretty much there. Since a large chunk of the plot is about them, we got less time to get a feel out of the Heroes.

Going to DQ Heroes, I got more fun out of Luceus and Aurora, the male and female characters of that game. Now, Luceus thing was he prattled on complicated battle strategies (something I wish Robin did in the game) and took an analytical look, and Aurora was his foil that summed up his plan and just attacked and did what she felt was needed. What made them so fun to watch was how we saw those interactions during a supposedly tense moment, and it lightens up the mood and brings up the energy for hack and slash.

Another thing, voices are repetitive, especially in menus.

I saw a piece of trivia on how Rowan and Lianna were made sword users to help with the tutorials. I can see why they did it, but I have a better idea: how about making them wield all the different weapons? It lessens the oversaturation of sword users, it really make them feel like our avatar, and allows some variety in the animations. Though rigging up 5 different weapon animations seems like a hassle…

The last big negative is how many characters have little to do. This is most apparent with Marth’s group as, aside from some scenes including one with Darios, they really don’t do much in terms of the plot. In fact, now that I think about it, even the other groups don’t much to do either. The most I remember is moral support and speeches, but for active and direct actions? Not much. Takumi disarming Darios, the Shepherds teaching the group, Sakura finding a cure for Rowan, snapping Corrin out, and the Gleamstones, those all are out of the top of my head. I’m glad Celica and Lyn aren’t in Story mode cause they’d have even less to do! I doubt adding more character from the other FE games would help. With a plot this thin, I doubt we’d see more of, say, Ike that we’d see of any other character. I guess if you want to see the older cast, that’s what FE Heroes is for.

There definitely could’ve been more to the story. At best, it’s ok. I think the problem was the story was too serious. In the above DW spinoffs, while it had dramatic moments, there was a lighter or fun tone in all of them. Cause you’re reveling in all the carnage, fanservice, and characters. The story of Warriors didn’t feel like that, it just felt like another cut-out FE story, and that’s sad. If it joked around for more scenes (one or two scenes of Owain and Niles don’t count), maybe the bland story would’ve been more forgivable.

So that means I hated FE Warriors, right? NOPE

It actually surpassed my expectations!

A big part of that is the gameplay. With the added FE elements, it manages to turn the rather repetitive combat into a tactical action RPG. First, the weapon triangle means you have to think who engages what. You defeat enemies faster and easier when you have the advantage, and vice-versa. This means team composition is crucial, giving you some thought in who you pick. Do you add archers cause there are fliers? Do you add mages cause there are dragons? Can I deal with being at a disadvantage? Combine this with the second: Commanding units, and you got something just like a FE game. During gameplay you can command your units to attack certain enemies or defend forts. You cannot ignore this and power through, you have to manage your units to efficiently win. This means you have to constantly go to the map and give orders, lest you have the AI dilly-dally, and pay attention who’s attacking what. For example, Takumi is guarding that fort, so I’ll order Corrin to kill him but not let Camilla go anywhere near him since he’ll shoot her down (Fun Fact: I did defeat Takumi with Camilla). Add to the fact the AI, which can handle themselves competently (though you do have to wrestle with it a lot), takes a while to defeat enemies, then you really have to do a lot of the work with your 4 playable characters to get the job done. This leads to a very engaging and frantic juggling act, and makes the core gameplay really solid.

Next, the pair up system was a really useful feature. You pair up two units and that unit will be your sword and shield. It adds another layer of strategy to your fight since now you can swap between a sword and a lance user to easily adapt to the situation. It comes at a cost though, as it cuts your commandable units. So that’s another thing to consider, losing a possible defender. Plus, the dual guard makes attacks not hit you and it is a life saver when you’re completing Anna missions that require you to not get hit.

The maps were also impressive. Taking advantage of fliers ability to, well, fly as well as using Dragonveins to improve the map for you units. It’s a really nice touch. There weren’t too many spaces without enemies, so there’s always something to do.

Let’s talk technical, because on the Switch it’s amazing. A steady framerate while docked (you can pick between 30 or 60 FPS), and undocked it works just as well. Especially with local co-op. I was impressed on how it ran undocked with two players. A little choppier, but it remains consistent and having a buddy around enhances the tactical edge, since you have to coordinate your actions.

History Mode was another thing I like. I haven’t completed it since I’m underleveled, but I am enjoying it more than Story Mode. On a FE map (complete with sprites), you select enemies like they’re missions and defeating certain enemies expands your area. The challenge here is to get S-Ranks to get Master Seals and other good stuff. It’s missions like defeat 500 enemies, or only use magic users, is varied enough to keep me interested, and there’s some story bits in it that seems interesting. Female Robin makes an appearance in the Awakening map, with Male Robin and Chrom watching in astonishment, it’s an interesting angle to say the least.

Finally, it’s the polish. The stunning animation, how it runs, how good the cutscenes look, and just how it feels like Fire Emblem. I had the same feeling with FE Heroes. Different format, same series, wonderful feel.

So in the end, I wasn’t expecting much, but I got more than what I asked and I definitely recommend it. Now I’ll just wait for my beautiful wife, and hope the next FE game on the Switch comes soon!

Now, let’s do the odyssey~

[gamerszone2019-blog]

Decay of Logos Review

New Post has been published on https://gamerszone.tn/decay-of-logos-review/

Decay of Logos Review

There’s an old Wile E. Coyote cartoon where he gets in a racecar to chase after the Road Runner, and as he’s speeding along the car begins to fall apart piece by piece until he’s left holding nothing but a busted steering wheel. That’s what it feels like to play Decay of Logos, an open-world action-adventure RPG that strongly invokes The Legend of Zelda but is missing the crucial pieces that make the genre so beloved.

Drawing inspiration from Dark Souls as well, Decay of Logos places emphasis on challenge and exploration, though it rarely sticks the landing. Across its roughly 10-hour campaign you’ll travel through haunted battlefields, crumbling castles, and mysterious woods – all while fighting the same handful of generic enemy types over and over again in one of the most infuriatingly repetitive and buggy games I’ve seen in a long time. Whether it’s the choppy framerate, equipment that disappears from your inventory, the world not loading in time for you to step foot on it, or the whole thing crashing entirely, you’re only ever a short time away from something that will hinder or completely shatter your enjoyment of a game that otherwise has a lot of potential.

You play a bland, white-haired silent protagonist named Ada, who looks like an off-brand version of The Legend of Zelda’s Link. Accompanied by your equally silent companion, a white elk of unknown origin, you’ll set out on a cliché and low-stakes quest for revenge after your village is burned to the ground. Despite the generic plot, the worldbuilding in Decay of Logos is expertly done, making heavy use of environmental storytelling that gives you a taste of a dystopian fantasy setting and asks you to fill in the gaps. The colorful, Breath of the Wild-esque art style shows off some pretty stellar areas that beg to be explored, though doing so almost invariably ends in touring samey dungeons, filled with repetitive monsters and puzzles that you quickly become all too familiar with.

The Breath of the Wild-esque art style shows off some pretty stellar areas that beg to be explored, though doing so almost invariably ends in touring samey dungeons filled with repetitive monsters.

“

At the best of times, Decay of Logos simply runs poorly: The framerate bounces up and down wildly and makes gameplay choppy during combat encounters that require precise timing, and some nasty screen tearing can make the world look like a piece of abstract art. But where Decay of Logos really suffers is in the frustrating, intermittent critical glitches and bugs that completely halt progress. Traveling across long stretches of the open world without resting usually results in the framerate going from bad to nearly unplayable. Oftentimes areas of the world took too long to load in under my feet, resulting in me falling through the map and dying due to no fault of my own. Sometimes dying or resting to restore my health had the side effect of causing all my potions or one of my weapons to disappear without explanation.

These kinds of glitches were so commonplace during my playthrough that I had to come up with workarounds, like not pausing for more than a minute or two to avoid an inevitable crash that always seemed to follow. In another particularly maddening instance, I began to recognize that an extreme drop in framerate was a warning sign that the floor was moments away from disappearing – in moments like this I would race to a save point to avoid losing progress, often only to fall through the floor and die mere seconds from salvation.

And unfortunately, even when everything technically works, many of Decay of Logos’ design troubles rear their heads. The RPG systems that govern the world and its characters are vague and aggravating. For example, your character’s level, which greatly impacts how powerful you are and your ability to compete with enemies in certain parts of the world, can be found in the menu, but there’s no information on how much XP you have, how to get more, or how much you need to the next level up. This is particularly annoying because most enemies in the world arbitrarily become much stronger once you accomplish certain milestones, like killing a major boss, which leads to some really frustrating encounters.

Even when everything technically works, many of Decay of Logos’ design troubles rear their heads.

“

At one point I powered through an army of the undead and killed one of the major bosses without so much as a scratch on me, only to be killed by those same low-level minions on my way back to base, because the act of slaying the boss had leveled up every enemy in the world. This means that every time you beat a chapter, you go from powerful badass to near-useless dreg and have to grind until you level up a few times and become strong again, relative to the rest of the characters in the world. It’s a routine that’s far more irritating than it is fun, and made me feel cheated out of my hard-won progress at precisely the moments where I should have felt most accomplished.

Combat in Decay of Logos is also deeply flawed in that it pits you against the same handful of enemy types for hours on end. Each area has just one or two unique types of enemies that appear in large numbers, and in most cases they can’t be realistically dealt with in groups greater than two or three at a time. So victory becomes a matter of drawing the attention of a few enemies at once, killing them, and repeating. And because the leveling system often artificially makes enemies much stronger than you, combat can drag on for long stretches of time as you whittle down the health meter of an enemy that you might have been able to kill in a few seconds just a short time ago. The dynamic here is even worse when it comes to the world’s optional bosses, all of which are carbon copies of one another, and have predictable movesets and obnoxiously large health bars that make for tiresome encounters.

Last week, after publishing our original review of Decay of Logos, the publisher informed us that they had mistakenly provided us with an Xbox One copy that was two months out of date. We retracted the review to make sure we fairly represented the developers’ work and began again on PlayStation 4, using a new code provided by the publisher. But after playing through the entire game a second time, the experience was only marginally improved in stability and bugs. We are told further patches are on the way, including one on launch day, but it’s unclear what issues will specifically be addressed.

Of all the design issues I have with Decay of Logos, though, the elk is what enrages me the most. As you play, you’re frequently reminded about the importance of the bond between Ada and her elk companion, especially the need to cooperate in order to overcome obstacles. But that promise is never delivered on, chiefly because the elk is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine and has the AI of a refrigerator magnet. For starters, one of the main uses of the elk is the ability to ride it to get from place to place, but doing so is frustrating and inefficient. Not only can you run faster than the elk, but directing it is treated more as a suggestion than an order, and the beast mostly wanders around aimlessly and gets caught on everything in its path.

But the worst instances involving the elk are when you’re asked to solve a puzzle in tandem with it. Simply put, this dumb thing just doesn’t follow orders. You have the ability to call it by blowing a whistle, but most times it doesn’t show up or gets caught on something on the way to you and has to be manually guided out. In one instance, I spent several minutes trying to find the elk, only to find it undulating bizarrely on the side of a cliff, and I had to jump off said cliff to restore its sanity. In another example, I spent over an hour trying to guide it out of a spiral staircase that it’d gotten itself lodged under. They say if you listen closely, you can still hear my screams of rage to this very day.

Source : IGN

[afflatusafrica]

READING FOR CHANGE 15th EDITION

by Tom Patrick

The 15th edition of reading for change took place at kigali public library from 2pm with a book review of “7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen Corvey”

Mc Lys Roberta gave a brief introduction about the book review.

Mr Emmy arsonal Maniriho, the advisor of the vice-chancellor at the university of Rwanda gave the book introduction and shared the seven habits with his short testimony and the importance of reading books.

"is it necessary to have all these habits to be an effective person." one of the attendees asked

"These habits works together in order to produce an effective person you cannot say one will work today and I will use the other tomorrow." Aimee mentioned.

He talked about the 7 habits which are proactive, Begin with an end in mind,Begin with an end in mind,Think win-win,Seek first to understand then seek to be understood,Synergies and Sharpen the saw.

"We will focus on real change that happens within ourselves not outside,therefore these are inner values that you cannot just ask people to have without cultivating them within ourselves.

This book creates a new way of looking the world and change our approaches in relation to it. In an organization you not only employ people of their skills they come with their ego and it is difficult to manage." said Emmy

He also added that to develop,you need to continue learning and this book introduce that concept to us.

Habit #1. Proactiveness

Siting and wishing does not make a man rich. You need to know that you can’t just sit and wait for things to happen but you need to move and make things happen. Many people fail because they are not proactive they wait for the government to do something for them, they wait for their parents to do things for them. create your own future.

Habit #2. Beginning with an end in mind

Before starting a journey thing of the outcome, the destination and where you want to get, however don’t consider too much on the present conditions or the process to get there or you will give up. In English we say “strive the iron while it is still hot” .

Habit #3. First things first.

If a principle is not helping you discard it. This habits focus on time management and as a tip you should always arrive 30 minutes before where you are heading. Never be late for anything and cultivate this habit every day in everything you do. We normal say this thing of Rwandan time by associating it with lateness. Rwandan were not born with lateness in their blood.

Habit #4. Think win-win.

If you are in a country of poor people and you are rich, in reality you are the poorest person amidst them. If you are in an organization and it is failing while you are winning in the end it will get to you.You must monitor your spirit of competitiveness because once it gets out of control you will begin to be negatively minded.

Habit #5. Seek first to understand

There are some people who come and speak for hours and don’t give a chance to other to say something or provide an opinion, even children have valuable opinions if you give them space to share their minds. The bible also says the heaven belongs to those who have a heart of a child. It is always important to remember to pay attention to the lower people because you are climbing today but tomorrow you may fall.

Habit #6. Synergies

This habit means coming together and working for the betterment of the future. For example while I was in India I wanted to start an aviation company in Rwanda and I called few of my friends. They told me have you seen yourself, you have a low background and you are nothing, but I was wondering if I am nothing at masters level when will I be anything aside from what I was already born with (the DNA of God). Not all difficult problems requires complicated solutions and not all simple problems require simple solution like in the case of a cheating man, if only he would come down and ask forgiveness of his mistake the issue would be no more.

Habit #7. Sharpen the saw.

This refers to taking care of your assets. What is an assets? Assets are the things which brings us capital either monetary capital or diverse capital. But the first assets of your life is.Francis bacon said when we open books we discover that we have wings.

Bukuru Germain who has Master degree in Clinical psychologist made a presentation on stress management through reading.

She said that Mental health means having a sound and stable mental status and when it comes to mental illness or mental problems, stress comes in when we are under certain conditions that are disturbing the mental stability of our minds.

She continued by saying that in a medical context stress is a psychical, mental or emotional factor of response to stressful situation and you can get a medical treatment for that.In psychological context,a psychologist will say that stress is a psychological pain or an uncomfortable feeling of the present condition.

What happens to your body when we are stressed?

"The information will pass through different parts of the brain.From each part it will cause exhaustion to those specific parts. and that is when we will feel headache, body sores, and unstable moods.

the Behavior symptoms of a stressed person areNegative habits such as heavy drinking,Acute stress,Episodic stress, in this stage the stress becomes repetitive due to the fact that it is not either treated or resolved." Germaine said

"Chronic stress, in this stage the stress becomes permanent and difficult to resolve.the result of this stage brings in different diseases such as heart failure, personality disorder, and other similar diseases."she added

About what can be done she said that the first thing to do is to identify the triggers of our stress and work against the triggers before working on the effects. the second thing is to take care of our lives and value our own lives.for example we don’t have to accept working conditions that doesn’t allow us to take meals in between.

she continued by advising to meet new people and Professional self-care,to share what you know, to Know your professional boundary and avoid doing responsibilities that are not yours.

Stress management through reading Life style is expressed in both work and leisure behavior patterns and avoid people to change your attitude or life style. Therefore let them know that you have your own character and ask them to respect your lifestyle pattern. Reading therefore helps you to know different opinions that helps you to understand yourself, it increases your vocabulary, and it decrease your depression.

Stress is a natural physical and mental reaction to life experiences. Everyone expresses stress from time to time. When not managed can lead to physical health and psychological health issues.

About how books helps us to relieve stress she said that distracts from our stress triggers, it improves our memory.

after book review the Panel discussion took placewhere the Mc introduced Ganza bertin to moderate the panel.

he then called upon on stage the Panelists Murangwa Cheez Beinvenue and Bukuru Germaine,

After i was time to open open the conversation to the audience

below are some of the questions asked

at which level of stress can it result into choke?

Does everyone pass in all of the steps of stress?

Queen asked Can periodic stress be curable?

Adolf asked,How do you manage a team in relation to synergize?

What was your end in mind when you started your journey in journalism?

What was your motivation when you well still in your humble beginings?

Mr Founder of roots foundations What is all about it and what is the mission of root foundation.

Answering session for asked questions

For example when you heal the death of a loved one and you fade out. That’s an immediate indicator that the stress they are under resulted into choke some may cry other may become angry.

Everyone experiences acute stress but not everyone develop from acute to periodic.But it depends on how the person manages the stress.

Can periodic stress be heared? Yes, periodic is the kind of stress which is in repetition because when it started it wasn’t well managed. But to resolve it we begin by spotting to the triggers and try to manage the stress.

Emmy said that How you manage groups as an anecdote, when I was in Montreal the people I worked with considered me to be a lesser being simply because I was black. So,to stand up to that kind of coalition dreams have to be updated once the needs are updated. While being a journalist I thought I would be the voice of voiceless but to my deceiption I found that journalist only say what they are told.

Root foundation is an organization that works for street children and we mostly deal with preventing children from going in streets.We have activities that helps them to change their mind set,we send them to schools and pay their expenses.

Synergy is not about only working together with others but letting every good idea come out. In a team of people we have different levels of ideas some are food at thinking, some are good at writing, some are good at speaking and getting to combine that at the table without restricting any of those that synergy. Therefore don’t dominate the room let everyone share his ideas and choose the best ones out of them.

"What are the lessons you have got from this book?"christian asked

"the lessons that I have learned through this book are proactiveness helped me to receive any kind of ideas and avoid reflecting obstinacy." Bertin said

It is up to you to first identify the talents of every group member and use them wisely.before you go to a job spend time building yourself and when you get there you will be a potential assets.

Make yourself ready and do all of the necessary.

the closing remark was done by Ganza Bertin thanking the speakers and the audience and inviting them in 16th edition of reading for change which will take place at kigali public library on 6th july 2019 from 2pm where the theme will be "economic impact of investing in literature" and we will be reviewing "the alchemist" a book by paulo coelho.

the attendees then went out for group photo and networking.

[luci-yabs]

Farsight, Crisis of Faith-Review

SPOILERS

Let’s get the first thing out of the way; ‘Crisis of Faith’ implies this story is more about Farsight’s dwindling faith in the Ethereals then it actually is. Although that is certainly a part of this novel, it doesn’t really delve too deep into it and, rather, deals more with Farsight’s initial encounters with the Daemons of Chaos.

Synopsis: In sum the story tells of Farsight’s ‘reconquest’ of Vior’los in the aftermath of the Damocles Crusade (the first one). The story is divided into three main pieces; the decision to launch the Second Sphere Expansion and preparation for it, an ambush by Space Marines of Farsight’s expedition within the Damocles Gulf and then, finally, the reconquest of Vior’los itself. Attached to this are some other pieces, presented not in strict chronological order, most important of which is a snapshot of the battle on Arthas Moloch. In addition to this then there is a substory about a Tau Water Caste Member who is possessed by a Daemon of Tzeentch, periodic reports by an Inquisitor infiltrating the Tau back to her significant other and the perspective of the primary antagonists of the story; the Scar Lords Space Marine Chapter.

I make it a bit of a habit of mine to purchase Xenos novels and audio dramas when they come out, even if I’m unsure of their quality, simply since it is the most effective method to encourage more Xenos content in future. Fortunately Crisis of Faith was rather good, not excellent like the Jain Zar novel, but still enjoyable. In many ways it is less the strict story, which is mostly an unremarkable telling of how Farsight beats some Imperium forces to conquer a planet, than it is the amount of information on Tau, Tau characters and society which we get too see which makes the book appealing. So I’ve divided this review, since its nothing formal, just me airing my thoughts for myself, into things and topics which interested me;

Combat: For the most part the combat is fine (though I should note I am not a reader who finds endless description of shooting and chopping fascinating, which is why numerous Black Library novels don’t appeal to me) and there are even some interesting parts. The story doesn’t, usually, spend to much time on the combat, not lingering on it more than necessary for the narrative. There is still a definite feel of ‘Herohammer’ where the overall performance of military units organized into clever movements is less important, seemingly, than the actions of a few exceptional individuals. I honestly wish we’d start seeing less of this in 40k.

Some specifics of the combat I did like is the Tau’s highly practical approach to it; very early on both Farsight and Brightsword point out that the tendency for more than a few Space Marines to not wear helmets is a very exploitable weakness, since a Marine’s head can’t withstand a Plasma Rifle or Fusion Blaster to the face. This reaches its most important point when, confronted by Terminators with Storm Shields who are proving impervious to fire, the Tau deploy optical munitions to blind the receptors of the Helmets, prompting the Marines to discard them so that they can still find their enemy. The Marines are still, thanks to the Storm Shields, immune to fire coming at them, but with their helmets now off a team of Crisis Suits can engage from above them, targeting their exposed heads before they can raise their shields up. Stuff like this, or taking advantage of the Tau arsenal’s capacity for operating from the air (hover tanks, battlesuits) are nice when they’re brought up since they are actually very important advantages, mobility. Similarly the Tau are shown, again, as always being quick to change strategy and tactics to capitalize on weaknesses. After discovering of the importance of the Geller Fields to an Imperial Ship Farsight targets it so that any translation to the Warp will mean almost certain death for the crew.

It is not a Book of Epic Duels really, which suits me fine, since Farsight tends to act towards achieving victory over his enemy without resorting to the ‘I’ll kill their leader myself and then they’ll break’ which has been seen in 40k so many times now. The closest to an epic duel we get is the Epistolary of the Scar Lords final fight against Farsight and his whole band, which is actually won by a Daemon of Tzeentch for the most part. But, for example, the Chapter Master of the Scar Lords and Farsight never actually meet or clash with each other, which was something I enjoyed actually.

Beyond that I just don’t pay attention to scale when it comes to 40k. Books can vary so much, and sometimes seem so impractical with regards to scale in a setting like 40k’s that I tend to, these days, ignore stated numbers and rather read results. Besides the central conceit of 40k has always been that a force of a few hundred can wipe out forces of billions so yeah.

One thing which was very original was that, in the novel, the Space Marines are not the primary military force the Tau struggle with. Once the Tau reach Vior’los, and battle commences, we see Space Marine and Astra Militarum forces being dealt with handily, but it is the Skitarii Legions who pose the greatest problem. The Skitarii have an enormous amount of numbers, with dozens more macroclads being shipped to the planet once the Tau attack begins, and their relentlessness in the face of the Tau assaults are the Tau’s biggest problem to overcome in the consequence. Painting any Imperial military force as doing better against a foe than Space Marines is very rare, so the Skitarii earn definite kudos for it.

Ulimately the end of the battle is a bit repetitive, its another ‘Tau use the enviroment against them’ this time triggering the volcanoes of Vior’los to melt the Skitarii in lava after evacuating the civilians from the slave camps so they won’t be harmed.

Characters: Farsight continues to be fun to read, and very conflicted. He is very notably flawed too, with a lot of his companions spending their time berating him for his temper and his unwilligness to make harsh decisions. Despite this his attitude of detatched analysis is fun to read, often feeling as if he is, like the reader, trying to puzzle out and understand the story he is caught in.

The Farsight/Kais/Shadowsun trio is explored a little bit more but...still not much. That being said what is shown makes me incredibly hungry for more. The three have an incredibly stuffed up relationship now, despite having been as close as Tau can be in their youth. It is made clear that post Dal’yth the three aren’t really ‘friends’ anymore, with Kais basically never even talking to them and Shadowsun and Farsight’s relationship being incredibly strained. In this dynamic Farsight seems the one most eager to repair their friendship, always thinking of his two companions in fond terms still, and desperately wishing for their involvement in his life (particularly Shadowsun’s). However, standing in his way is his own fame. Its made rather clear that, at least Shadowsun’s, resentment of Farsight has a large part to do with him being seemingly treated as the saviour of the Tau whilst her efforts are ignored. Farsight himself, when appointed to lead the Second Sphere Expedition, points out that Shadowsun has a better win record than him, even on Dal’yth, and is better when operating in support of fleets. Despite this acrimony Shadowsun does still clearly care for Farsight, and we get to see the rather touching scene of Farsight bidding Shadowsun goodbye as she goes into stasis (with the two assuming they’ll never see each other again). Shadowsun feels guilty about something in Farsight’s past, the same way he feels guilty for Shadowsun being ignored in the present.

What we get on Kais is less but sounds awesome. Kais is effectively a broken soul, as Farsight thinks of him, a Tau who is totally lost and alienated, desiring to be alone which is abhorrent to the Tau spirit of community (something Farsight and Shadowsun both feel is important, cooperating as a group). But Kais’ issues are clearly deep, with Kais seemingly fearing becoming close to others. When Farsight rushes over to talk to Kais and Shadowsun before they are put into stasis he comes to late for Kais, with the Earth Caste explaining that Kais asked to be put under instantly, which Farsight notes is very like Kais since it effectively amounts to him running away from contact with others. Kais is clearly described in very ominous and dangerous terms throughout the book, whenever Farsight thinks of him.

Other than these three we have a nice supporting Caste; O’blotai continues to join Bravestorm and Brightsword as Farsight’s main supporting cast (I do wish there had been a female member of the 8 before Torchstar). O’blotai is the strongest of the three in character, serving still as something of a mentor to Farsight, whilst Bravestorm has perhaps the least to do (except be the best in a physical fight cause of his Onager Gauntlet). Brightsword is still Brightsword; the overzealous rookie who can’t get enough of fighting. He provides a lot of humour with his quips, but his overzealousness is also something which causes Farsight trouble.

O’vesa is still here and I love him cause he is so adorably heartless, approaching everything in such a rational method that, without meaning to, he’s constantly infuriating Farsight.

There is a tragic lack of important female characters. This is very frustrating, considering these are the Tau, and I hope we get a Shadowsun novel series too which can then hopefully counterbalance this to an extent. Of the new female Tau we’re introdcued to only three matter; a Water Caste Ambassador who just exists to again show Aun’va is evil, an Earth Caste Terraformer who’s there to talk to O’vesa sometimes and also to help shore up gender balance in the Elemental Council by making it that there’s almost always a male and female Tau representing every Caste and an Ethereal who is basically just Aun’va but less evil but already going to die on Arthas Moloch and does basically nothing.

Non-Tau important characters breakdown mostly to an Inquisitor female, Vrykola, pretending to be a Gue’vesa and the Scar Lords Space Marine Chapter (though the Hammers of Dorn do make an appearance). Vrykola herself does little in the story till the end, but her regular ‘missives’ sent back to her significant other are fun to read, often showing a nuanced take on both the Tau Empire and the Imperium, disillusioned with both in many ways. She doesn’t attempt to deny that much cruelty in the Imperium is not necessary, but she still feels committed to saving the project as a whole. In her own words there are aspects of the Imperium she thinks it would be better without. By the end of the book she has begun to fear she is becoming the mask, so to speak, with a clear sympathy for the Tau which leads to her using her powers against a Space Marine Librarian to save Farsight. She still feels loyal to the Imperium, she confides in her final missive, but she at the same time clearly isn’t dedicated to the destruction of the Tau anymore and even thinks they may be potential allies.

The Scar Lords were already written as participating in the first Damocles Crusade, as part of this is the already existing fluff that their Chapter Master was trapped on Dal’yth in a Stasis Bomb. This paints the background for their burning vendetta against the Tau and their rather young and inexperienced Chapter Master who has only very recently taken command. The Scar Lords are largely painted as competent, their very first ambush wiping out a 1/3rd of Farsight’s initial expedition, if somewhat overzealous, their own recklessness usually being their undoing.

Then there are two other characters to briefly mention; Aun’va. Honestly. Ugh.

Aun’va being evil isn’t a problem. In fact having an ‘evil’ Tau is nice and a lot that can be done with it. But...Aun’va has become a bad cartoon parody. He is so obviously evil compared to all other Tau that its mind boggling. We get it. He’s bad. He basically does nothing in the book except have a scene of ordering a Water Caste Member to kill herself so we can all go ‘so evil’. It’d be okay if he was effective, but he’s basically never got anything right, so rather than getting a cool ‘Tau Palpatine’ feel from him, he just comes across as some obviously evil idiot who lucks into power without performing a single impressive feat.

Then we have Waterspider, a derogatory nickname implying that he can only skim the surface of water, unlike a proper Water Caste member who can submerge within it. Early on he attempts to help translate the markings on a captured Imperial Warp Drive but, activating it, he ends up possessed by a Daemon which makeshim incapable of lying, practically ending his career as a Water Caste member. Honestly its really sad to read him cutting his own tongue and then staring into a mirror, willing himself with all his might just to tell a simple lie...but still can’t. The line between the Daemon and Waterspider himself can seem blurred, and isn’t explicitly delineated (which I loved), and through the course of the book he plays Tau serial killer in the background, whilst also merrily supporting Farsight, wanting to help him spread bloodshed throughout the galaxy. He is a treat to read, particularly due to his inability to lie. He is something of the ‘true’ antagonist, being the final confrontation Farsight has, and also the meta-point of Farsight realizing there are ‘forces’ he doesn’t understand.

Chaos: The Daemons and raw energy of the Warp is often unimpressive to me in fluff, just appearing and then dying, as if they’re just another type of enemy. This book very much plays on Chaos’ subtle role again, something I enjoyed greatly, with Waterspider reflecting the danger of Daemonic Possession. We also get to see funny scenes like, when noticing Horrors wear jewelled bands and such, Farsight tries to offer them gold to negotiate!

Setting: There’s quite a bit on the setting here which was fun to read. Tau political decisions on a macro level first go through the Ethereal Council, the highest political body, before being deliberated on by an Elemental Council which constitutes a body with two representativesof each Caste (including Ethereal) and two seats for the Kindred Souls (non-Tau member races). There doesn’t seem to be fixed membership of the council, rather at each Council the Caste or Kindred Souls can designate who to attend and deliberate. The Kindred Souls on Dal’yth, making the decision to launch the Second Sphere of Expansion, included a Nicassar and a Human. Any major cross-caste decisions are taken by Elemental Quorums, a collection of the two highest ranked members of every Caste partaking in the matter.

There is sadly not as much of the other races as I’d enjoy, the Nicassar gets to make some pointed comments, sensing immediately when the Imperial vessel’s Geller Fields are down and warning the Tau to stay away from it, and some Kroot cheering when Aun’Wei talks about the Tau’s alliance with other races.

One thing that is very nice is we do get an extended examination of how Tau expansion operates, with Merchant contacts leading the way, offering cheap and effective technologies which usually reduce labour and risk of life and damage to the locals of planets. Furthermore the Tau offer free medical care, eliminating, we’re told, many diseases which plague the Imperium on worlds who allow them to land. The obvious conclusions of this is that, as Waterspider says to Farsight, most people who join the Empire don’t do it because they believe in the Tau’va like the Tau do, they just would prefer to live longer, healthier and more safely, and the Tau offer this at a very low price so long as accession into the Empire is accepted. Meaning only groups who value their independence more than their welfare tend to resist them.

We also get to see Vior’los as run by the Mechanicum and...it isn’t pretty. Tau civilians are hunted down, rounded up, marched across the desert to Volcanos, and then thrown into them to be melted alive. Humans are forced to serve as slaves, beaten if they so much as look up from their work stations, and brutalized so badly that even when their captors are killed they just keep working, having no independent will left in them (until some help with Chaos riles them up against their slavers). It is honestly a very sad bit to read what was being done to the population of Vior’los, both human and Tau, and Farsight is very incensed at the atrocities being committed.

Final Thoughts: Its a fine book, I enjoyed it. Its not amazing, I prefer Fire Warrior as a Tau novel, but it is still good and I hope we’ll see similar books about Aun’Shi, Shadowsun and Kais soon. Honestly I’d love for a followup on Aun’shi’s fate right now, and I’d love for a female Ethereal Special Character.

[shopinapp-blog]

Startup Fundraising Mentality: Think like a VC

Article originally published on StartUpHat.com by our CEO, Eran Eyal

Recently, whilst speaking with a VC friend, we discussed the startup fundraising mentality and how the venture capital industry thinks about startups in broad strokes.

It would be great to share a “silver bullet” with you today, but that’s perhaps too optimistic. Rather, I’m going to discuss some of my thoughts that I shared in response to these questions.Here’s a breakdown of the conversation:

Dear <Venture Capitalist>,

My birds-eye view of VC:

First off: I think venture capitalists and investment bankers are a breed apart… But some of the lessons imparted below are shared mutually.

I think that the venture capital industry and is actually an industry that is driven by an intersect of thesis, mandate and emotion.

Ultimately, it’s a checklist and like Greg Mooresays: money doesn’t like to think. It likes a simple checklist.

Investing In What They Know

Obviously, people invest firstmost, or the majority of their capital, in what they know from their professional experience. They invest algorithmically. The startup fundraising mentality should be geared to not only raise from the right VC, but from the right partner at the fundwho has done similar deals.

For example: you go to Fred Wilson(one of the gold standards in venture capital) to pitch an investment in mostly consumer-facing (B2C) startups. That’s what Union Square ventures specializes in. They don’t focus on b2b, not because they don’t respect the space — it’s just that they understand B2C space because they have had success (and fails! — those are important too, as smooth seas do not a good sailor make) with these companies and are in the best position to know the signals that predicate fast growth and which are likely big opportunities. They’re also in the best position to advise these companies to grow fast and make the best decisions that will lead to profitability, scale and exit/ IPO.

Another great example is Bessemer Venture Partnersthat really specialize in marketplaces — they’ve invested in everything from Fiverr to Pinterest — so their view on metrics is completely different from USQ. It’s much more about marketplace metrics and scalability on both sides of the market. Retention, acquisition and growth in repetition as well as cheque size. This is relevant for the client side, but equally for the workers that power the marketplace. (if you’re interested in some thoughts on spec work and bidding marketplaces as well as why I’m not a big fan of those type of exchanges, read on in this LinkedIn post I wrote recently).

Of course… They know how to spot a great team… And that trumps the product every time.

Investors like to invest in companies that are similar to what has made them successful in the past and in finding new efficiencies in an existing business model or expanding an existing market.

So if you can offer a product that is either faster, better or cheaper that’s can disrupt an existing very large market they already know about, it doesn’t make hard to think about.

Total Addressable Market (TAM)

Is it a big opportunity? How much can you capture? No VC wants to back an unambitious startup or one that doesn’t look to capture a chunk of a huge opportunity. Eg: with Indigogo there is over $300Bn each year in charitable giving / causes / supporting small projects and prototypes.

A lesson I learned worth sharing regarding startup funding is that whilst a VC wants to see a decent sized TAM, they also don’t want to see an unrealistically large TAM claimed by the entrepreneur or hear: “If we were able to close a small percentage of the TAM…”. What they want to see is that the entrepreneur has taken the time to investigate the market thoroughly and backs their statements up with reliable links (not Quora). From there they want to see a business plan that lays out very clear steps to securing a foothold in the market opportunity.

Going in with a massive TAM claim that’s unrealistic just gets people’s eyes rolling.

New Efficiencies Or Expanding Market Size?

When entrepreneurs think about a business, they often first consider: how can I make things faster, cheaper or more sophisticated. Finding new efficiencies in existing market plays is always welcome… however true disruption is often found in expanding the market size.

Here’s a great example: Uber is very disruptive. Why? Because Uber expands the market size of people who can make money from being a professional driver without being a part of a taxi company (that may have spent $1m on a medallion per taxi). nother good one is Box and Dropbox, which allowed people and businesses who could never afford cloud-based storage with enterprise-quality tools to have access for free, if not a few dollars.

These are markets which grew substantially due to disruption from these technology startups. That’s exciting to hear from the perspective of scale and how it fundamentally changes how people work every day.

There is no doubt in my mind that’s when you see another investor you know and respect invest in a company it is exponentially easier for you and your fellow investors to become involved.

Moreso if there is a strong lead, confidence in the deal is high. There are many smaller sources of capital (yes! Even some smaller VCs and funds that don’t have time nor resources to do an extensive due diligence) whose mandate dictates that they only follow. This means that they look for a larger funder or leader to take up a significant piece of the funding round and do the due diligence.

A caveat: if a smaller and well respected VC is committed and offers the intro / helps close the deal with big investors in their network, many deals are sealed this way.

Why? The first reason is Trust.When a deal comes from one’s own network and the deal is already backed (terms sheets singed and capital is deployed) the level of trust is very high and the deal is generally done quickly.

There is a second underlying aspect: often larger firms/ investors know that the smaller firms are their source of good deals (whilst there is no end of capital available, there is a shortage of food deals). Rejecting deals from a trusted source threatens the flow of future deals. It’s a dynamic that no one talks about but is certainly present.

This post by no means covers all the dynamics of the startup fundraising mentality. I would love to hear your opinion and see what I’ve missed out on. Comment below and share your thoughts, advice and experience.

About the Author

Eran Eyal is an investor, advisor, and award-winning entrepreneur with over 20 years of experience in the crowdsourcing, e-commerce and retail markets. Currently, Eyal is the founder and co-CEO of Shopin, where he looks to revolutionize the customer shopping experience by putting individuals in control of their own data.

Original Post here