#The boost of dopamine I got was INSANE

[is9vhl]

forgot to post this random ass collection of rivals (bucky) doodles that i made yesterday

[the-cooler-king]

Having a queer little moment where, after sending goodnight texts and an hour goes by, I get the notification that he's ❤️ 'ing pictures that I sent

[ghouljams]

i took up embroidery this week and it literally killed my c.ai addiction and has lessened my tiktok addiction. i no longer feel that insane need for the instant gratification/dopamine boost anymore! just wanted to share that because i got a lot of tips from your account on how to heal my brain.

Oooooh I love embroidery so much

I'm so glad you've taken up such a fantastic craft and you're healing your brain! I hope you can make some really fancy embroidery shit. My favorite thing to do is make lavender stalks out of french knots. Super easy but looks really impressive.

[dr-spectre]

WE DID IT!!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!! This is such a big milestone. Halfway until 1000 followers... that's absolutely insane!!

This will be the last follower update until we reach 1000. But, I wanna share something special with you all and get rather personal...

So, about a year ago, I wanted to learn how to draw because I was feeling depressed about "not being productive enough." Basically I got sucked into the bullshit productivity self help stuff that wants to turn your life into a cold calculated work obsessed nightmare, rather than living in the moment due to fear mongering about the future and how "if you don't grind now you WILL be a failure and die alone and get no pussy." (No wonder I picked Team Present for the Grand Fest...)

Plus I dropped out of uni at the time and welp, to put it lightly, I was feeling fucking god awful and I was scared into basically "putting in the hard work" by all these self help channels and other bullshit online. Whatever the FUCK that vague shit means, my autistic brain still doesn't get it.

It was BY FAR the worst period of my life, but, at least I tried to do SOMETHING. And I wanna show you all some of the things that I drew last year....

This was between October 2023 to February 2024. I stopped drawing due to it causing me much frustration and anger.

So yeah! Uh... enjoy?

So.... not the best work you've seen, right? HAHAHAHAHA!

Would you freak out if I told you that I got upset and damaged a book and a fan because I got so mad at myself over not being able to draw or do anything right?...

I feel like this ain't for me, and you know what? That's okay! I've learnt that it's okay to try new things, it's okay to experiment and if shit doesn't work then it doesn't work. Plain and simple. It's perfectly fine to give up and try something else.

You are not a robot, you are a human being. Don't feel like you "gotta do something everyday otherwise you'll die alone and you'll be broke and you'll never be successful and you'll be forgotten!!"

Do feel pressured to feel like you have to "find your thing" or "be productive" or whatever kind of... heh.... BRAINWASHING you hear online.

I wanted to draw because I was jealous of others, including my friends who are skilled artists... and I did it for the wrong reasons which is why I stopped in February.

I am very happy that I've decided to actually focus on what i like doing and what gives me energy. A quote that has stuck with me for years now is a quote by Jordan Peele from an interview, and it's basically this-

"Follow the fun." And you know what? He's right. Following what gives you that good good boost of dopamine while also feeling like you're accomplishing something is one of the best feelings EVER!!!! Whether it's art, writing, modelling, sculpting, architecture, making music, acting, clay sculptures, etc. FOLLOW THE FUN!! FOLLOW THE SHIT THAT EXCITES YOU!!! I literally always have multiple projects spiralling around in my head all the time and cycling between them at every given moment.

I'm not even saying do only what makes you comfortable or be lazy either, do shit that makes you go "BRING IT ON!!!! I WANNA DO THIS!!!" Get that blood pumping!!! Challenge yourself fairly!!!! There's healthy and unhealthy stress. Healthy stress should make you feel like a fucking PREDATOR!!! AN ANIMAL ON THE HUNT!!! While unhealthy stress makes you feels like you're the prey, the one who's being chased by an unknown force that's out to get you!!

I feel like I'm kinda rambling... anyways!!! ENOUGH WITH THE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!! 99% of you have been awesome and incredible!!!

It's also been an honor to get to know so many people who feel the same way as I do about a certain squid lady and her best friends.... before I went onto tumblr I genuinely felt so alone and so insane. I felt isolated, I felt like no one saw these characters the way that I do... I thought my perspective of a certain squid lady and her rebel phase was invalided and false... But now I know that I have people who have my back and understand what I'm trying to express...

One final time, thank you. I'll keep going.

STAY FRESH!!!!!!!!!!

[beautifulpersonpeach]

I don't like calling people stupid because it's just rude and some people have developmental difficulties I don't want to ridicule. But my god are solos stupid. 2 days now all I've seen them talk about is JK and Hybe. Seeing Pjms 'spin their wheels' as you say BPP about 'stocks' and 'investors'. It's so fascinating to me how their minds work because every now and then one of them will point out how their theory doesn't make sense or how it's counterproductive to what they're saying Hybe's goal is, it's like they can *just* glimpse the light of enlightenment at the end of the tunnel but then it snuffs out before they can grasp it, and then they fall back into their convoluted web of conspiracies of how everyone hates Jimin.

This is how they 'spun their wheels' before the contract renewals when every pjm blog I saw was convinced Jimin won't renew. Same thing with how they were convinced V would get all the things Seven got. I just lurk on their blogs because it feels like a trainwreck happening in slow motion and I can't look away. This is the first time I've become active in a fandom and it's been such an eye opener to see how solos radicalize themselves. Have you seen this dynamic happen anywhere else? I thought Armys were bad but it makes sense that solos are on the fringes of the fandom because they are somehow even WORSE than Armys. Even the solos who seem educated manage to make the most ridiculous logical fallacies in their thinking. It's mesmerizing to watch it happen BPP. I'd pay big bucks for someone to study them and I'm very eager to know if you've seen anything like this in other communities.

I'm glad you saw parallels in the flat earthers video I sent and I apologize if it saddened you.

***

I'm just hanging in tight for when Grammy nominations are announced this week lmao. That's when the real fireworks will begin. A few of my friends have started collecting bets in our gc for the kinds of theories, meltdowns, and plain ol tomfoolery we're going to see - on the ARMY side of the fandom but especially on the akgae side. It's going to be a blast.

And like I've said before, there are some groups where it makes sense to be a solo stan, but anybody who becomes an akgae for any member in BTS has already shown a lack of intelligence. I'm not saying that to be mean or condescending, it's just what I've observed to be true. And in a fandom like ARMY that already has its fair share of idiots, you have to have some exceptional blindspots to still manage to not get what is obvious to most other people. But such is how the cookie crumbles.

What I see BTS akgaes do, I've seen happen before. But none of those examples/comparisons are flattering. Some might feel I'm going too far by making that parallel, so I won't explicitly make it. All I'll say is that it's worse than the parallel between taekookers and Larries, and it's why I'm thankful about the way BigHit manages their acknowledgement of and response to akgaes. I'll always be grateful for how the members are mostly insulated from the special brand of insanity that's rampant in these parts of the fandom. BTS don't deserve to see any of this filth.

I question why you're lurking on akgae blogs though. I understand it's interesting but you must've picked up the pattern by now. There's nothing akgaes are saying now that they haven't said before, and it's the exact same thing they'll be saying 2, 3, 10 years from now. They're awfully predictable in how they think, most of it is hazard-grade copium, and the damage they can do to any of the members is mostly contained, so what's the point lurking on their pages just to mock them?

You didn't ask but I suggest you leave them be. Yes trainwrecks can be fascinating to watch out of morbid curiosity, but at some point if that's how you're spending most of your time in fandom, it begs the question why you're really here.

Anyway, stream Golden for a healthy dopamine boost.

[rubinaitoart]

There will always be people who like to be more isolated from the group (not talking about introverts) and it works for them just fine, but it shouldn’t be ascribed to how humans as a whole work.

I am insanely introverted and, as it currently stands, a hermit. However I have a very social personality and like to reach out to people online, creating connections and friends—because I start feeling horribly depressed when I can’t really talk to anyone. Even if I’m a bit flighty when people message me, it’s a major boost of serotonin and dopamine when I see a message from them and I constantly crave conversation and discussion even if I’m too occupied at the moment to appropriately respond.

I really did think at one point in time that I was fine being alone, and I also certainly believed the whole “survival of the fittest” spiel into my teen years. Now I think it’s easier to believe that when you’re lonely, because recognizing that you are alone and would actually thrive with socialization is painful, and by nature we shy away from pain. And it makes me feel kind of bad for the people that say that sort of stuff now because it comes with the realization that they’re alone and lashing out. (It also makes a lot of things make more sense.)

Humans are probably capable of surviving on our own when we absolutely have to, but that’s not how we got this far. If that had been the norm, we would’ve died out a long time ago already.

them: SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST MEANS HUMANS MUST BE INDIVIDUALLY SELF-SUFFICIENT AND COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT

biologist:

[2dkapsddr]

June 21st, 2025 (1/2) - maimai DX PRiSM, ONGEKI, CHUNITHM LUMINOUS, IIDX 31, jubeat Ave.

another weekend, another gamecenter visit!! my first big visit in quite a while though, so i had to make this one as big as possible (given the past few visit attempts have been cancelled due to massive heatwaves across the state) . so with an unending list of song recommendations by twitter mutuals and friends, i was gonna make the most i could outta this session!!!

...or so i thought . as much as i didn't want to believe it, i was just Not performing anywhere near my best that day for whatever reason. besides a pretty impressive SS+ FC on Netsu Ijou/Heat Abnormal [MASTER Lv.12]; my scores were sloppy, i was getting outmogged and outscored by my friend who only started playing rhythm games last year, and i was lacking the motivation i needed to tackle some of the tougher recommendations given to me by my mutuals . it wasn't looking good, but i'd already bought entry and couldn't just take it back, so the session simply goes on...

(also forgot to mention earlier that my friend had somehow caught up and gotten his rating higher than mine in a few weeks time, which was INSANE to me!! him outperforming me so quickly??? he wasn't even Bronze last time we played together!!! so with some of the later scores, i was hellbent on getting back at him and improving my rating...)

so anyways here's me Not improving my maimai rating and instead having a holly jolly fun time on ONGEKI :] it was admittedly really fun, and i managed to clear all the song reccs given to me for this game specifically in ~20 minutes time!!!

moving on to The Other Game, i was kinda just playing aimlessly and seeing what kind of scores i could get with Premium Free and a dream . the answer? ...not very many that i didn't already have, besides an HC on LOVE IS ORANGE [SPL-10], an EXHC on the SPA-8, and an AA HC on 8bit Princess [SPA-10] (i ran it back later and almost got the EXHC, but choked on the final stream using MIRROR to make the middle stream easier and lost it all...)

but now, jubeat time!!! surprisingly yes, i did get some song reccs and respective scores here!!! were they good? ...eh, some of them were . regardless, it was really fun and was up there with ONGEKI in how much i enjoyed it this session :] highlights from the sightreads include my first 10 clear from 1116 [ADVANCED 10.2], an S on Dopamine [ADVANCED 8], clears on Go For The Top [EXTREME 9.5] and Din Don Dan [EXTREME 9.1] (+ an SSS FC on the ADVANCED 7 of the latter), PUNISHER [EXTREME 9.1], and whatever the last song is called [EXTREME 8]

more maimai (and last few bits of maimai for the day): still feeling kinda washed, but at least i got quite a few upscores and rating boosts for the day :]

aaaaaand that's all the tumblr gods will allow me to put in this post . sorry, looks like there's gonna be a super short follow-up 2nd parter! only got like 6 more scores and they're just 1 maimai score + 5 chuni scores, so pls hang on and check out that post soon as i finish it thankuuu :3c

[project-sour-grapes]

Vices and the Void

Over the past few days, my use of vices as an avoidance of existential dread has become one of the prevailing topics in my mind. These aren't bad vices like drugs or crimes. It's normie millennial shit like re-opening the same 3 social media apps over and over again, watching saucy videos instead of going to the gym, binging the 135th newest energy drink flavor, or talking to people on dating apps who I know I will ghost and never meet up with. Bonus for reading terrible news while working and then zoning out and imagining vivid personal and global catastrophes like it's fucking Nam.

Today, I tried and failed to not do these things. The doomscrolling and the porn certainly had a presence during my day. It seems to be that whenever I hit uncertainty in my day, I reach for the phone and open Reddit or some dating app to stoke a spicy conversation. It's like whichever obstacle was introduced (whether it's a work task or it's my trying to figure out my life path) makes me feel anxious and indecisive and incompetent, so to combat that, I distract myself. The apps and websites that lend themselves to adult activities seem to be the most sought after when I am feeling indecisive in this way. Not only is it an insanely effective distraction from the dread of indecision, but it actually gives me the extreme dopamine hit that I know the rest of my life is not giving me. My life is boring me to death and frustrating me, but I can scratch the itch of excitement with the easiest thing in the world: jerking off. This is not be a weirdo, but to just be real. Other people's vices can be all sorts of things. This just happens to be one of mine. The NoFap subreddit would also indicate that I am not alone in my shame.

My question is: what happens when I just sit with the uncertainty? Over the past few weeks, I have made a point to just shut off the YouTube videos and all of the music that I listen to at times and just give myself 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour to just think. I might be driving in my car and just go a whole 40 minutes with no auditory input besides the sound of the highway.

I have had the impulse to pick up my phone a few times while writing this to see what is going on in the group chats that I'm in or look at the news. The impulse just now was to look at one group chat to see if I got a response from a particular person, who I actually think is a terse asshole and whose opinion sucks more often than not. Why the fuck do I need to distract myself from what I'm doing for a tiny little neurochemical boost from some jackass I don't care about? A few people in that group chat are spicy jackasses. Anyway, the impetus for picking up the phone is to distract myself from things that matter but are difficult to instead engage passively with things that virtually don't matter. You know, it was much easier to ignore these things when I had more contempt for other people's opinions and problems. Now that I am more social and polite, it is easy to get caught up in everybody's goofiness lmao. That's a joke. I think most people would regard me as always having been polite. But I do think I could recultivate a little of that "I don't fucking care about gay-ass football" energy that younger me had.

Back to my dopaminergic vices, I know that when I intentionally don't participate in them, an emotional vacuum gets created. I feel an itch. I feel empty or hungry or bored. I get depressed. However, I think by watching the porn, buying the snacks, or scrolling through the endless Reddit posts that are merely a 4/10 on the interesting scale, I am glossing over the dread that I feel about my life. I am distracting myself from not only the sadness but the anger about what is going on. I'm filling the cup of satisfaction with approximations of what I really need: relationships, fulfilling work, a tangible and positive effect on those around me, etc.

Okay, what I'm going to do is just not engage in my vices and see what happens. I'll crave the old vices. I'll feel empty. I'll probably subconsciously fill the void with new vices (e.g. "I can't have ice cream anymore, but I never decided NOT to eat 5 granola bars in a row. I certainly won't regret eating 5 granola bars."). But I need to do something. The status quo with respect to my vices is not working. I am sleepwalking into wasting my 30s.

My vices are again: doomscrolling, reaching for the phone when I'm frustrated or bored, too much me-time, chatting/ghosting strangers on dating apps, snacking. These are all things that I do when I hit a mental roadblock. I don't have a perfect plan for what I am going to do when the itch arises, but I am just going to stop doing this shit and see what happens. I am an ultra-planner, but I fucking don't have time for that shit. Let it fly.

[journalofsorts2]

sometimes i feel like i have the magic touch when it comes to trending tiktok audios and my most recent example is that i recently (like really recently) got super into japanese jazz fusion and then a few weeks later, one of the trending songs (at least for me) is from a japanese jazz fusion band. F・L・Y by Spectrum was all over my fyp page for a while (still kinda is, idk i'm really bad at gauging when trends have died). on my playlist in a bottle from last year on spotify, i put Forever by The Little Dippers as "a song that you predicted would have a comeback in 2024" just for shits and giggles cause i like that song and it's really special to me and imagine my surprise when i open my playlist in a bottle to see that after seeing this song on my tiktok fyp a shit ton this year. this was a while ago but Ladyfingers by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass i was really mad got popular on tiktok because a few months prior i had gotten really attached to it and it's a song i liked listening to to make myself happier but that special dopamine boost kinda lost it's effect once i saw it every five scrolls on tiktok. Lujon by Henry Mancini is another old one, it was on a playlist i was listening to like every. single. day. and then all of a sudden i was hearing all the time on tiktok. my point is that this is annoying and that every single song i find organically outside of tiktok becomes popular on tiktok and it's driving me insane.

[libra-stellium]

I’m literally so fucking miserable 😭😭 I got the worst assignment at work and to make matters even WORSE the attorney I loathe is also participating 😭 just send me to hell frfr

They want me to come sit in the audience of the courtroom for 4 weeks for 8hrs a day in silence with no phone, no computer and no water just to time how long they talk for when usually I calculate the time based on the transcript like ???? Fucking insane!! I’ve been so depressed over this I barely moved from my couch in days my whole body hurts and today I walked on my walking pad for like 40 min and didn’t get a dopamine boost 😭 lmao like damn the levels ARE LOW!!

I need to figure out a way to get out of either the whole thing or at least most of the days bc I don’t mind going into the office and I don’t even mind sitting by myself in the prep room at the courthouse but 8hrs on a wooden bench in silence??? Yeah that’s gonna be my demise 😭😭 also if I’m sitting for too long doing nothing I will literally fall asleep 🥴 can’t help it!! And that’s going to be so embarrassing!!

[jackstockhypno]

(Source: https://www.transformhypnosis.com/did-list-improving-productivity/)

Everyone's got a To-Do List.

You live your entire adult life with your to-do list, and  You'll die with your to-do list, too. It will never end.

Have you ever noticed that when you cross off one item from your to-do list, two more items seem to appear? It's a never-ending task list. Lets be honest, it's boring. and you don't enjoy it that much.  

The Did List

A Did List is a list of things that you have done already.

When I first tell people to write down the things that they did, they immediately say, "Well I already cross things off of my to-do list all the time! I love doing that!".

But crossing things off of your list is just not the same.  

The Differences Between a Did List and a To-Do List are HUGE

Don't ignore these huge differences. A to-do list makes you want to do less things. It doesn't reward you.

Crossing off that item doesn't feel that great because a to-do list is about reduction. Don't hypnotize yourself into the feeling of reduction. A Did List makes you feel growth.  

The Benefits of a Did List

You get to have a list of things you did each day to look back on.

Maybe you need an alibi, or just need help remembering which day you did something. You'll be surprised how often this comes in handy.

How long ago did I make that pasta sitting in the fridge? When did I talk to that client? Was that last leg-day workout on Wednesday or Tuesday? Now you'll know. It's the little things.

You feel like doing more with a did list. You want to make it bigger and bigger and bigger. It's exciting. It feels like a game. It's like you're playing an RPG game and completing quests. It motivates you.

It moves you. You go from the task completion zombie to someone that takes time to appreciate what they did in a day (instead of grumbling over the things that you didn't get done).

After all, appreciation means growth!

What Kind of Did-List Should I Use To Be Productive Though?

You can decide now how you want your did list to be.

Would you like it to be a list of tasks you completed?

Or would you like to make a list of every single thing that you do in a day?

Let's try to decide that now by looking at the pros and cons of each style  

Making a Did List of Only Tasks Done

Pros

Reward yourself only for completing tasks you deem productive, which encourages you to do that more.

Cons

You don't have a list of everything you did that day

You may become too focused on what is productive and what isn't.

Making a List of Everything You Did:

Pros

You don't have to think about if it's a "productive" task or not. You just write it in.

Get a nice dopamine boost every time you write something, which helps your brain operate better.

Makes you realize how much stuff you actually do (appreciating the little things is important).

Cons

You have to write in it constantly

Writing in daily tasks can make them feel even more repetitive (depends how that makes you feel personally)

Personally, I like to make a list of everything that I do. This helps me become aware of myself. I don't write in eating/oral care though. Thats pretty much my only rule.

This is a great addition to my "third person perspective" (I talk about this extensively in the Insanely Productive Hypnosis File Guide). It makes me aware when I am doing pointless activities that are not actually fulfilling me. Staring off into a screen somewhere? We've all been there. Way too much. Try out both styles and see which one you like more.

What App Should I Use for a Did List?

I was really surprised that an app for this does not exist yet, considering that hundreds of to-do list apps exist. As of time of writing, I am using Diaro. Or just use a paper notebook like the good old days.  

TransformHypnosis.com

[magical-grrrl-mavis]

Alright fuckers I've seen three fanfic where Luz drinks coffee and gets a crazy boost of energy and I am here to tell you that would Not happen.

You know one of the big reasons caffeine wakes you neurotypicals up and gets you going? It enhances dopamine, gets those levels up, making you more alert and awake.

Fun fact! Luz has ADHD, and coffee don't work that way for us!

You know one of the causes of ADHD? Dopamine deficiency. We don't gots enouph. So when we drink coffee it doesn't raise our dopamine to a superhuman level, it gets it closer to where you normies always are.

That means it calms us down, helps us focus, and can even make us sleepy.

There is still story potential there! Think how fucking insane the owl fam would find it If Luz suddenly learned to hold still and pay attention! And she gets that way from brown bean juice?! "What are you putting in your body Luz! It's changing you! Stahp!"

(Also too much caffeine is bad for teens and I think it would be funny if Luz's nurse-mom had to sit her down and tell her to stop drinking the calming bean juice)

[gabywantsafriend]

Dopamine and Oxytocin: Brian Johnson x Reader

(Not my GIF)

Requested by tmntthristy - “Is it ok if request a brian Johnson x reader where they meet in detention”

Hi sorry it took me so long to respond to your request, love :( I hope you enjoy it, though! -Gaby :)

Warning: Mentions of drugs, Swearing

“Ah, Ms. L/n. Right on time,” Vernon greeted without looking up from his clipboard. He flipped through his papers. “Let’s see, first time in detention, eh?” You nodded. “So you’re in here for cursing out Mr. Galvin, correct?”

“To be fair, sir, he was making sexist comments. He needed some words of wisdom to deflate his pathetically large ego.” Allison snorted, mouthing “Good one!”  which you replied with a thumbs up. Vernon sighed, “Very unlike you, Ms. L/n. You’re not really the type to speak your mind,” he hinted at your quiet nature, “Alright, well take a seat. Anywhere’s fine.” You sat next to Brian as you’d talk to him the most during class. Plus, you weren’t very close with the rest of the kids. The vice principal then proceeded to lecture you all on the importance of morals and good conduct; you know, all that boring shit. He then proceeded to his office after a last warning of, “And no funny business, got it?”

Once Vernon was out of sight, the group chattered away about their week and how they managed to get into detention. You found out that they called themselves “The Breakfast Club,” and that they see one another on the second Saturday of each month to catch up. They had  agreed to keep their friendship private as they were from completely different social backgrounds. They seemed close, much to your dismay as you were an introvert with few friends and weren’t the best at socializing. Great, nine glorious hours of being left out.

You actually followed Vernon’s instructions and managed to finish your essay within the first 45 minutes. You didn’t have anything better to do. The next four hours comprised of you doodling on your notebook and were seemingly peaceful except for Bender’s occasional taunting. Boredom took a hold of you eventually as even your thoughts couldn’t keep you entertained. The group was sprawled out on the floor, passing around a blunt as they cracked up about anything and everything. Yep, they were high as a kite. 

You were having a whole, blown-out debate in your head whether you should join them. Your logic kicked in. Y/n, are you insane? A single drag can lead you to addiction and you’ll never get into a good college and no one will hire you because of your messed up state of mind and no one’s ever gonna love you because drugs will be your number one priority. It’ll tear your life apart-

“Hey, can I have a go?” Fuck it. All five of them whipped their heads to look at you, faces painted with astonishment.  “Well, well, well. She speaks!” The criminal mocked with a shit-eating grin, kneeling and looking to the heavens as if he just witnessed a miracle. “I’m anti-social, not mute, you fucking moron,” you retorted. The rest of them snickered. “You’re cool,” Allison nodded in approval, passing you the blunt. You stared at the rolled up weed in between your fingertips. As you inhaled the foreign material, you cough a couple of times before you feel the drugs slowly take effect, you squint as the world seems to blurrily spin around you. The next thing you know you’re laughing uncontrollably. 

“Alright, if you could have a super power, what would it be?” Brian asked while kneading through his eyebrows, making sure they were still there (the weed toyed with his sense of touch.) The group of high teenagers were all over the library. Andrew was running around the room with Allison on his back, his arms outstretched while he made airplane noises to make her laugh. Bender let out a giggly “Ouch! You’re tugging too hard, babe!” as Claire braided his hair behind a bookshelf. The four were paired up, consumed in teen romance. Brian huffed after looking around, realizing that their attention wasn’t focused on him and his weird questions. He closed his eyes momentarily, basking in the peaceful state of mind that the drugs caused him to be in.

“I’d probably shapeshift.” The nerd squinted at you, quirking an eyebrow in confusion. “What?” You waved your hand in a “move over” kind of motion and he obeyed, scooting a little to make room for you. You laid down beside him, staring at the ceiling. “You asked about super powers, didn’t you?”

You heard him. You, the pretty girl who sat in front of him at History; you, who pushed him out of the way as not to get hit by a dodgeball during P.E; you, who occasionally engaged small talk in class; you, who he had admired for the longest time, were paying attention to him. 

He masked his growing smile with a sly, “Oh yeah, I did ask that. I didn’t know Marijuana gave me short-term memory loss,” he laughed quietly. “I wanna have super strength, by the way,” he said as an answer to his own question. “Lame.”

You both then proceeded to talk for what seemed to be hours on end (except for when one of you had to use the restroom.) You spoke about everything and nothing at the same time; your conversations simultaneously switching from serious discussions to little things that made zero sense. From childhood traumas to favorite nursery rhymes, crying about the pressure of having strict parents to cackling about who could sing the national anthem in a higher pitch. You weren’t sure where all of these stories and ranting and weird ass humor were coming from, nor were you sure if you’d remember any of the things you’ve rambled on about by the time the drugs wore off. But after listening to this random nerd from History class, you were sure of one thing:

He’s really pretty. 

You took subtle glimpses of him so he wouldn’t catch you staring. You took mental notes of how his eyes seemed to smile while he’d let out a hearty chuckle, how he’d pick at his fingernails when he was nervous, how his voice cracked every now and then, or how he’d do anything and you’d be utterly bewildered. 

And he’s beyond intelligent. From what you’ve observed based on hours of chatting, he’d think for a moment, most probably choosing the best words to use, then rant to you as if delivering a whole speech, complete with an introduction, body, and conclusion. “His mind is pretty, too,” you thought. 

“Woah, you okay? Your pupils are huge.” You shook your head lightly, getting your head out of the clouds. “Well, that’s what happens when you space out while you’re extremely high,” you nagged playfully. “I don’t think it’s just the Marijuana, Y/n,” Brian stated as-a-matter-of-factly. You squinted at the nerd as you challenged, “Oh yeah? Then what is it?” 

His fucked up mental state gave him a surge of confidence as he cleared his throat and explained, “Well, scientifically speaking, there are these ‘love hormones,’” he drew air quotes with his fingers, “called Dopamine and Oxytocin that affect the size of our pupils. These chemicals usually get boosted in your brain when you’re romantically attracted to someone-”

“Wait, wait, wait- so, you’re saying I’m attracted to you?” You sat up, scoffing incredulously. He stopped mid-tutoring to turn his head toward you, you doing the same. He sheepishly grinned, “I don’t know, maybe? I mean- I hope I’m right because I like you a whole lot.” 

You sat up abruptly, causing Brian to be startled. “What? You’re joking, aren’t you? I swear to God, Johnson-” His stomach churned unpleasantly at your reaction, you looked disgusted. He was sitting up now, cheeks aflame with embarrassment as he began to stutter out strings of apologies and explanations.

“I-I’m so sorry! It’s just that y-you’re so pretty a-and you’re really kind and-and I couldn’t help but-but like you! I’ve l-liked you ever since the m-moment you first introduced you-yourself to class last year. Shit, this is so humiliating!” He buried his face in his hands. “I’m so stupid for thinking you’d like me back,” his timid voice was muffled by his palms, making it even harder to understand, but you did.

The next thing you knew, you were moving his hands away from his face, placing a small peck on his pink lips. It was delicate and quick enough to miss. However, he didn’t miss the way his stomach erupted in butterflies; or how your lips were soft against his. He wouldn’t miss it for the world. His eyes, previously squeezed shut, went wide after the little display of affection.

You laughed lightly. “What’s so funny?” He questioned with the goofiest grin on his face, still in a small state of shock and euphoria.

“Your pupils are so blown out, dork. Like they’re absolutely massive!” You said in between giggles. His hands found their way to your cheeks and now it was his turn to kiss you, longer this time. It was sweet and full of admiration. He pulled away to speak.

“Maybe it’s because I like you so much.”

[donnerpartyofone]

idk if you've talked about it, probably have. but if you don't mind to again, ketamine injections for depression? did it work? was it expensive? how long did it work for? ty.

dang, i never got a notification for this message. sorry! ketamine absolutely worked for the management of my depression, it was very expensive, and i think i would have needed more for it to become a longer term solution. i may still go back in the future if my lifestyle changes, but for right now, i can’t justify the cost--which is an insane thing to say when what i’m paying for is freedom from hurting myself, but, ya know, CAPITALISM. 

the whole story is, i’ve been severely depressed my whole entire life; i don’t have any memories that don’t involve feeling morbidly upset, and i can remember things pretty sharply from the time i was slightly younger than 2.* i took ketamine recreationally some years ago when i was around 30 (i wasn’t adventurous about substances until i reached about that age), and i was totally astounded by how it affected my depression both during, and for weeks after the experience. it seemed to distance me from the oppressively immediacy of my bad feelings, giving me space to actually THINK about what was really bothering me, what kind of control i could have over how i assign importance and authority to things that don’t serve me, and what i might like my life to be like in the future. so, when i found out that there were ketamine clinics in new york, i kind of freaked out. actually, i found out about it from a guy who i met on an ayahuasca retreat upstate (which is its own hilariously mortifying story that i’ve been trying to write down for years and it keeps turning into a big unwieldy novel), who had been through the entire gamut of treatments for major depressive disorder. he liked his ketamine experience, but admitted that it was prohibitively expensive to keep up.

this is the place i went, and i recommend it to anyone who can afford it:

nyketamine.com

they say that they accept patients selectively, if you have treatment-resistant depression. i don’t know how strict they are about that, because by the time i came to them, i was looking pretty treatment-resistant. i’d been in and out of a few shrinks’ offices, and i’m basically incapable of taking any of the usual antidepressants because of how they affect other conditions i have. the process was, i filled out a request form on their website, and in a day or two, a clinician called to interview me over the phone about the character of my depression, and to gather some other anecdotal information about my history and health. the person i spoke to was very kind, attentive, and reassuring. the following day, someone called to set my first appointment. the whole reason i was able to do this is because of some inheritance that i received at the time; it’s $450 a session, and they suggest (or insist? i’m not sure) that you begin with a minimum of 6 sessions, each of them 2 days apart. after that, you just kind of monitor yourself to see when you think you need pickup sessions; the effect is cumulative and long term. i have no idea if they have any type of sliding scale accommodation, it could be worth asking.

when i went in for my first session, i had a brief interview with the head doctor, a navy veteran and anesthesiologist who had been working with ketamine in various capacities for 50 years. he explained a lot of things that i had no idea about, that were great to learn. periods of prolonged stress, especially while your brain is still developing, can result in a deficit of the neural pathways that you need to experience a full range of emotion; essentially, being chronically depressed and anxious can kind of give you brain damage. if you have that type of problem, it doesn’t matter what you do to try to boost your serotonin or dopamine or whatever; it’s like if you’re trying to get somewhere in your car and you can’t, not because you’re out of gas, but because the bridge is out. for some reason, ketamine switches back on the function that builds those pathways, so with regular therapeutic applications, you can actually heal the structural problem around your mood centers that’s reducing your emotional range to anxiety and depression. if you’re over 60 or so and your brain is less plastic, your chances of success aren’t as good as when you’re younger, but there’s always a chance; also, for some reason, ketamine plays especially well with estrogen, so women have a bit of a leg up. anyway, the doctor was great, and i really liked everyone there; it felt like they all knew they were doing something meaningful.

the sessions themselves are pleasant. they put you in a private room in a big cushy medical chair with a blanket and a pillow, and you let them know if you want the lights on or off. they give you an IV drip that lasts roughly an hour, and they communicate with you to figure out the dosage. you basically just tell them what feels comfortable, if the dosage they start you on is too low to notice. you won’t get something that puts you in a K hole, but you should enter a gentle dissociative state where you feel a little numb and floaty, and you might have a lot of interesting abstract thoughts. the worst part of it is just how bad you have to pee by the time the drip is done, when you’re still feeling a little anesthetized; sometimes i wound up looking at the bag with my flashlight to check if i had finished, and then i’d just press the call button to get them to come unplug me before i pissed my pants.

you’re not supposed to necessarily notice a difference right away, but you should detect a change in mood after a few weeks. i did. the way my disorder works is, most days i just have a low level background radiation of sadness and exhaustion, even on a “good day” when things are working out or i’m distracted by things i enjoy. when i wake up in the morning and realize i’m conscious and the time for sleep is over, my first feeling is disappointment, 100% of the time. then, i’d say roughly once a month or once every couple of months, i have a complete nervous collapse where i’m in so much pain i can’t really do anything but like drool and cry and let my eyes go out of focus, for anywhere from 1-7 days. there will usually be an apparent trigger; i’m a fairly dysfunctional person, and i frequently lose things, break things, and fuck things up even though i like STUDIED to do them, took it slow, asked for help, gave myself extra time, etc. but the thing is, i think the “trigger” is arbitrary, this is just a cyclic psychic event that builds up and waits to happen. but after my first battery of ketamine treatments, i had a particular day when i could tell that normally, i would quickly wind up curled up at the bottom of my bathtub scream-crying until i couldn’t move--and this time, i managed to just push through. not only did i not break down, but i actually got a number of difficult chores done, that i had put off because they seemed too intimidating, or like i wouldn’t be able to mentally handle my inevitable failure. i noticed more and more of that, while i was in proximity to the treatments, an ability to just buckle down and keep going. so it’s not like i felt HAPPIER or something, but i felt much more capable of coping, which was like a miracle honestly.

it’s been about 3.5 months since i last went in, and i think i could use a booster appointment, but as i said i just can’t fit it in with my financial reality right now. so, that sucks. but, i definitely feel that it was worth doing, and i would recommend it to anyone who can shoulder the cost. hopefully in the future, ketamine will become a much more common psychiatric treatment, and it will become available to more and more patients.

*A friend of mine just told me he read somewhere that you don’t actually recall memories from like 20 years ago, you just remember the last time you recalled them--so like, i THINK i remember my parents struggling to give me drops for pink eye in our first apartment when i was about 1.5 years old, but in reality, i just remember the last time i remembered it, or the earliest time i’m able to remember remembering it. pretty interesting! and kind of disturbing, like the idea that star trek-type teleporters don’t actually transport a person, they just DESTROY the original person and rebuild a new one on the other end, a thought that REALLY BOTHERS ME.

[rationalsanskar]

How to Achieve Mindfulness Without Having to Actually Meditate

In 1977, Roald Dahl published a lesser-known collection of short stories called The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six . The titular tale is about a beleaguered British billionaire who finds peace (and eventually, fantastical powers) by learning to calm his brain with a variety of techniques. One such method involves focusing intensely on a single image in the brain for a long period of time.

In the book, Sugar manages to picture an orange for more than 10 minutes. I can remember putting my dog-eared copy down and trying my best to do the same. When that failed after eight or nine hopeless seconds, I thought of apples, blueberries, pears. No luck. Each time, memories from earlier in the week or stresses about the upcoming one managed to invade my brain and tear me from the moment.

Fast-forward a couple decades, and whenever I try to sit down tomeditate — yoga mat, dimly lit room, relaxing music, a scented candle or two — I still think of this failed fourth-grade experiment. Formal attempts at proper, popular meditation often end prematurely for me, with my mind whirring like the wheel of death on an old Dell desktop. I think about interviews I have to schedule, flights I have to book, contact lenses I have to order. Eventually, I call it, thinking Damn, didn’t work. After these “failures” I’m less likely to attempt meditation again; ironically, I now associate the practice with stress.

This isn’t uncommon. According to a 2016 study, only 12% of American adults practice meditation, a number that nonetheless represents a 50% increase from earlier in the decade. That uptick has coincided with an ever-growing wellness industry that includes functional exercise, apps and products that encourage embracing the present, from mat Pilates to Calm to the Wave meditation system.

But that number’s still low, and the difficulty surrounding the practice is a prevailing reason why. In order to achieve mindfulness — the practice of paying attention to one’s thoughts and sensations in a particular moment — people assume they need to first create a perfect environment. Noise at a minimum, pleasant scents and legs crossed, with enlightenment just a few deep breaths out of reach. This line of thinking, though, ascribes too much importance to the activity. It’s self-defeating, like punching a pillow in anger while trying to fall asleep. Traditional meditation may indeed work well for many, but if it doesn’t do it for you, there are other ways to achieve mindfulness.

Think of activities in your life that erase hours from the clock. The ones you look forward to, or perhaps the ones you don’t think much about at all. They come, they go, but by the end of it all you feel measurably more relaxed. These activities can be considered “backdoors” to mindfulness. They’re inherently meditative, because you derive the same benefits from them that might come from 10 good minutes spent picturing an orange.

Below, we’ve assembled seven different activities that have been known to universally encourage elements of mindfulness. Importantly, we chose pursuits that an overwhelming majority of human beings can participate in at the drop of a hat. Surfing big waves, practicing magic tricks or playing the French horn may help you achieve mindfulness, and walking a dog may get you there too (assuming you’ve got one), but these examples are inclusive and easily incorporated into the mornings, afternoons and evenings of just about anyone.

Cooking

The future of on-demand food ordering is absolutely insane: the industry is projected to rake in a whopping $365 billion in revenue by 2030. Why? Millennials buy fewer groceries than older generations, and devote just 13 minutes a day to meal prep. I can identify. Three nights a week, I’ll bring some sort of $13 grab-and-go market bowl back for dinner. I often think of it as a chore handled, and an opportunity to watch TV the second I enter my apartment, fork shoved firmly into my mouth as I do. But I’ve noticed that on days I cook up a meal, however simple (I’m a big fan of shrimp mixed with rice and veggies), I’m able to go on a rare, much-appreciated, end-of-day autopilot. Heat the pan, prepare the rice, wash the veggies, cut and season the shrimp — I’ll generally perform these tasks with music on, while talking to my roommate or in silence, the only sound the gentle sizzle of the cooking food.

There’s an exact phrase for this experience: behavioral activation. It refers to a positive activity that necessitates presence of mind. Cooking requires decisions from your brain, motor skills from your body and an end goal that can fill your brain with a feeling of accomplishment. Plus, cutting and tearing are proven methods for handling a tough day, while the recipes can be both comforting and expected, or unusual and creative. Either way, they demand your attention, and will keep you looking at the pan, instead of your emails.

Water Therapy

The restorative effects of cold-water immersion are well-documented at this point. From ice baths to plunge pools to Scottish showers, the practice has near magical benefits for the body. It catalyzes post-workout recovery, staves off injury, lowers blood pressure, increases metabolic rate and stimulates the immune system. But there is mindfulness in freezing your butt off, too, believe it or not. You’re outside in nature, for starters, which we know does wonders for mental health. And cold water encourages the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine, adrenaline, norepinephrine and serotonin, all of which have anti-depressive effects.

I jumped into the North Sea a few days ago, when air temperatures were hovering around 30°F, and can assure you that I wasn’t thinking about anything but exactly how my body felt in that exact moment. It hijacks your afternoon, in a good way; I took a long, hot shower afterwards, and then felt alert and alive for a good six hours. On the other, less-Bear-Grylls end of the spectrum, lounging into warm water or having a bath at the end of the day are other forms of highly effective “water therapy” which should march you one step closer to mindfulness.

Journaling

According to a team of researchers from Princeton University and UCLA, those who take notes on computers are less likely to summarize and retain information than those who take notes with their hands. The study (and others like it) has long been cited as a reason to save handwriting: save a lost art while boosting our memory! But handwriting’s effectiveness also extends into the realm of another mindful activity: journaling. A nightly commitment to putting pen on paper will add special significance to your days; what’s remembered as banal or unspectacular two months later might’ve actually been exciting or unusual at the time, and you’ll have the notes to prove it. On top of making you a better handwriter, it will make you a better writer, period, and it will happen in an arena that’s rhythm, old-timey and devoid of stress-inducing blue light. In case you have no desire to catalogue your own life — find writing prompts online. Scribble nonsense. Sometimes, when I finish writing for 10 minutes or so, I wake up as if from a drunken trance. It’s a lovely feeling.

Adult Recess

When you’re a kid, there are times that your parents, needing an afternoon to wash dishes, pay bills and do other real-world-things, will order you to “go play.” It’s a typical childhood exultation, and from a young age, we oblige. We pick up branches and have stick fights. We “run the bases.” We invent games on trampolines and whack each other with styrofoam noodles. But somewhere along the way, play stops. For some medical professionals, the lack of play among adults is public health issue. Dr. Stuart Brown, who founded the National Institute for Play, explains that play is instrumental to optimism and self-motivation, while fostering a sense of belonging and community with others.

Unfortunately, it’s long been difficult for the average individual to find play in the adult world — let alone the heaping helping of mindfulness it delivers. Adults are an insular bunch, and those that do join groups often do so for competition. (Think: weekend warriors in intramural leagues.) But in the last few years, more groups have come about that prioritize the relaxation involved with simply running around. From DC to San Francisco to Greensboro, more cities are starting “adult recess” leagues, where the stakes are low and you’re free to think about nothing but throwing or kicking a ball for 90 minutes — with drinks often on the docket afterward.

Running

I’ve written about my return to running in the last couple months, after a six-year break. For years, I associated the activity with stress, expectation and pre-race nervous pees, but my recent reentry to the tribe has been calm and easy. I feel an appreciation now for the ways in which both pain (mile repeats on a track along Manhattan’s East River) and wonder (tripping up snow-covered hills on the outskirts of Edinburgh) seem to remove me entirely from the world of 9-5. I don’t need a scientific study to confirm the inherent meditative qualities of running, though there are many. Runs with destinations, runs that meander, runs desperate to hit a certain time — they’re all about the sweaty, heaving present. That state of being is usually a struggle, but it can be euphoric, and that’s why we do it. You should do it, too.

Live Music

A massive trend in the mindfulness space is the composition of music specifically geared for achieving calm. They can be lovely, and I can mellow into them easily, but they’re often too ethereal and not very sustainable. Who can listen to that stuff for 45 minutes? I contend that mindfulness can also be found in the General Admission section at a concert, or in a booth at an Irish pub that brings some Van Morrison sound-alike out every Tuesday evening. Live music is effortless presence of mind, especially when we leave our phones in our pockets. It represents a deviation from the norm (very few of us experience live music every day), which heightens the importance of the moment and your concentration relative to other earthly concerns. And it often rewards your ossicles with a series of mini-eargasms, which is nice.

Home and Garden

One of the surest signs that you’ve become an adult — aside from a strange desire to receive socks over the holidays — is that you actually enjoy performing household chores. I get giddy when I have a solid two hours to push my vacuum around, make the kitchen sparkle and point a hose at the gutters. Similar to the behavioral activation associated with cooking, busying about a home or apartment offers tasks and results, concentration and satisfaction. They’re an exhilarating change of pace from the mind-numbing practices of day-to-day work in a sedentary society. After a week of sitting at a computer, I will gladly Lysol the hell out of a coffee table. And I can’t remember ever thinking about much while I’m doing it. Not to mention — there are endless opportunities to personalize and perfect a space, from DIY projects to caring for plants, that will also transport you to a relaxing place far, far away.

The post How to Achieve Mindfulness Without Having to Actually Meditate appeared first on InsideHook.

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[danijadegordon]

Does the media we consume affect how we view ourselves?

 Instead of spending my days playing outside, running around, riding bikes, or even just sitting with my friends somewhere, I spent my pre-teens scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, and most frequently Tumblr. I consumed hours and hours of content and media that never seemed to end. Pictures, videos, gifs, and text posts gave me my daily dopamine boost. I cared more about actors playing fictional characters in shows than I did about almost anything else. I read stories written by people like me about the characters I was watching. It was exciting and overwhelming. I can attribute almost all of my personality and sense of humor to Tumblr. There was a community for everything. If you had ever felt excluded before this was a place where you felt like part of something. It was new enough that it was shiny, anonymous enough that even the shyest people felt okay with being themselves. And the longer people were on the website the more they shared, and naturally communities around things that made people different started. Most notably, the mental health community. 

This space was created for inclusion and validation, spread positivity through inspiration. This community shared deep intimate stories about their struggles, used each other as crutches when things got hard. They created a safe space for people who needed it. And to its credit, it was and still is today an overall very positive and helpful community. When I talked to my friends about this, a lot of them say that it helped them with their own struggles.  But like, as large groups of people end up doing, gatekeeping in the community began. Posts saying things like, “You aren’t bipolar because you are having a bad day” and “You aren’t antisocial because you don’t have friends”, while well-intended ended up coming across as shame-y and exclusionary. Consuming this media in my early teens ended up affecting how I saw my own mental health. I denied my own mental illness to myself for almost 3 months, before I even thought that I should talk to someone. I spent the first semester of my sophomore year, staring at my white walls, laying on my bed, and just wishing that I had the energy to put my life back together. My room was covered in dirty clothes, I was wearing the same shirt I had worn for the last three days, and I still refused to believe I had anything wrong with me. My grades suffered terribly, and I still denied what was happening. The community on Tumblr, the mental health gatekeepers telling me what was and what wasn’t a valid mental illness or opinion, or symptoms, was engrained in my brain. The same people who set out to create a safe space for people who struggled had failed me. It had me convinced that if I said I had depression, I would get shamed and yelled at by people with actual depression. Like it was a competition. I didn’t want to seem like an insensitive person to people struggling with mental illness, but I neglected to see that I was also suffering. When talking to my friends who had mental illness previously to being exposed to the community on Tumblr, told me that it helped them find their place and define what they were dealing with, the friends I talked to who had developed mental illnesses after being exposed, like myself, felt otherwise.

I chose people I knew had been on Tumblr and suffered from mental health to talk to and asked them a similar set of questions relating to Tumblr, and their own mental health. When I sat down to talk to Tai, a freshman theater arts student at LIU, she told me that she felt the communities on Tumblr were helpful to her. She felt they had helped to destigmatize mental illness. When I talked to Cat, a sophomore ES&P major, she said similar things. Cat said, “(Tumblr) helped me… in middle school you don’t really get any teaching about mental health,” she continued, “Posts on Tumblr explaining it really helped me”. And while I don’t disagree that this community despite its flaws has an overall positive impact, I had really expected that they would have felt similar to me. The idea that they didn’t have validation in their struggles. When I talked to Derek, a freshman at LIU, he helped me realize the difference. Derek agreed with Cat and Tai in the fact that it was helpful in identifying and learning about their own mental illness, but he also felt that double-edged sword that I had. He said when he realized he had his own mental health issues, it was hard for him to identify it because of the precautions and parameters around what it meant to be mentally ill by the Tumblr community. I shared my own experience with this issue to the people I interviewed and most of them could understand how this culture could negatively affect someone’s mental health.

What I ended up learning through talking to my friends about the relationship between social media and mental health that I had noticed, was that we need to talk more about these issues. When someone tells you about something going on with them, we need to listen and not make them feel different. We need to have more open conversations, instead of forcing people to find communities online. If we could teach people about mental health in school, and at home, and have open conversations about not being okay then we could eliminate the negative side of what the existing community is doing. If someone had given me a lesson on depression and anxiety and how it feels without the judgment behind it that a lot of posts on Tumblr seem to have, I wouldn’t have wasted a semester of my life lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. Having stopped and analyzed my own relationship with Tumblr, and talked to others about it, I feel more secure in myself. Knowing that while they didn’t have my exact same experience, but they understood how it could happen, made me feel less insane. So, if you are struggling, and you feel like you cannot express it because you don’t have proof or its not that bad compared to some people, don’t let that stop you from being happy. Because the only person you can save in the end is yourself.