#That would've sucked for this post

[captain--sif]

Ich habe 118 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

14 Einträge erstellt (12%)

104 Einträge gerebloggt (88%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@mansikkaomenabanaani

@jackironsides

@agnesclementineblog

@aye-write

@toughpaperround

Ich habe 48 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#writer stuff – 15 Einträge

#sif talks – 9 Einträge

#not fic – 8 Einträge

#sif writes – 6 Einträge

#fic writing – 5 Einträge

#911 fox – 4 Einträge

#fic – 4 Einträge

#buddie – 3 Einträge

#wattpad – 3 Einträge

#911 fic – 2 Einträge

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#the comment i just gotten was actually helpful in that it made me aware of a problem i didnt know exist in exporting my fic from my editor

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

#5

I can't believe all it takes for me to write for Buddie again is one single episode of season 6 and a tumblr post, after nearly two full years and two whole seasons of not being able to scrape up any motivation except for fandom gift exchanges

14 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. September 2022

#4

You’re still my destiny

Another year, another Legacy Day. Apple convinced Raven to step up to the podium again. But Apple still has expectations, and Raven still has aspirations. A lot has changed in this year and just as much hasn't. The girls reconcile with what is predestined and with what isn't. 

Fandom: Ever After High Relationships: Apple White / Raven Queen Word count: 3.7k

Read on AO3, Wattpad, or below:

They have an evening routine by now and it looks a little like this:

They fight over the use of the bathroom, dirty tricks allowed, even though most nights they end up sharing it anyway.

Apple stays in there longer, following her skincare routine meticulously and without compromise.

When Raven leaves the room, she rolls her eyes, pretending like she’s not about to smile, just as Apple pretends not to see it.

It works for them and she’s not about to threaten this peace between them.

Once under her covers, Apple calls out “Good night, Ravie”, just because she can. Because Raven no longer throws curses her way when she says it. Because they are friends. And Apple has fought so hard for this, so by the Book of Destiny, she’s gonna enjoy it.

Raven sighs but she still throws a “Good night, Apple-nova” her way.

If Apple has to pinpoint her favorite part of the day, this would be it.

She always falls asleep with a smile.

Apple had been about to pin up her own hair. She lets it fall back down on her shoulders. She struts over to her friend—  who is she kidding?, her best friend— and takes a look at what she’s wearing.

“If anything, you don’t look evil enough”, she says with a confidence she’s not quite sure she’s feeling.

Sure, she’s confident. And yes, she trusts that today will turn out well. But still, she compensates with a determination that Raven lacks on this day. Apple understands but still, she feels like she needs to be strong for the both of them today. Put on that extra bit of confidence and determination. Remind her that it’ll all be okay. That they’ll be okay.

Raven sighs sadly but proceeds to put on her earrings.

Apple puts her arm around Raven’s waist, careful not to impede her movement or make a crease into Raven’s carefully shaped dress during the hug.

“You can do it!” She reassures her cheerfully. “It will feel a lot shorter than you remember it!”

Apple can see Raven’s lips quirking up for a short second but she’s quick to be back to her former glum expression.

Perfect, Apple thinks, and let the Legacy Day begin anew.

They’re sitting together at this year’s Legacy Day, as it should be. Apple finds, after all, their destinies are very much intertwined.

In front of them are two rows of students that participate in the Legacy Day for the first time this year and Apple can tell that they are nervous too. Some of them look to her as if to confirm that they’re making the right choice in signing their name. She holds her head extra high. Some others are looking to Raven, hesitantly of course. They are all aware of what it means if Raven signs in the book today. Raven set a powerful precedent that needs to be rectified.

Not if Raven signs, Apple reminds herself, when Raven signs.

She looks beside her to the girl in question who is staring blankly to the front where their principal is just about to take the stage.

Gently, she nudges her with her elbow and presents her with an encouraging smile.

Raven doesn’t smile back but her shoulders unclench and when she turns back to the front her stare is no longer blank but filled with a determination that would make most of the student body of Ever After High tremble.

But not Apple White. Because this stare means her destiny is safe.

She is safe. Both of them are.

And she’s waited a year for this.

Vollständigen Eintrag ansehen

18 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 1. August 2022

#3

A Little Push

This is a gift fic for @wolvesofinnistrad for the I’m Your Buddie Secret Elf Gift Exchange. I hope you like it 😊

Eddie overhears Chris' friend making assumptions.

AO3, Gift Exchange Collection Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Evan “Buck” Buckley, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz Characters: Eddie Diaz, Christopher Diaz, Original Male Child Character

“If your dad is okay with us playing on the console,” is what Eddie hears through Chris’ door when he passes by. It’s Jacob speaking, one of Chris’ friends, who is spending the afternoon at their place.

Eddie’s first instinct is to say no when they ask, his trust in tech is still not restored, even if Buck has been trying very hard to get him to.

But then again, they have gotten out the console a few times over the last months as a result of this effort of Buck’s, so there’s no reason for him to forbid it, except on principle. And while Eddie can’t afford to be the fun dad all the time, he doesn’t want to be the stuck-up dad either. Especially when appearing too strict in front of his kid’s friends might result in them choosing a different hangout spot than the Diaz house. 

It’s not that Eddie finds anything wrong with Chris going to his friends’ houses, but he’d rather they do because it’s a choice for another kid’s home, and not because it’s a choice against Chris’ home. He doesn’t wish to inflict that on Chris’ social life.

Being so caught up in his own reasoning about what to answer to that query, he nearly misses the second half of Jacobs’s sentence:

“... we could play that game you and Alex have been talking about. Splatoon? You said you have it.”

And that just makes Eddie halt again. He was just passing by, he’s not supposed to stop to listen in on Chris’ conversations with his friends. But Chris doesn’t have Splatoon. Eddie is reasonably sure about that. Chris has played it because Buck owns it, and they played it at Buck’s place, but Chris doesn’t have the game.

Buck probably bought that game for Chris, but… Who is Eddie kidding? Buck most definitely bought the game for Chris. But more specifically, he bought it for himself to play with Chris, so Eddie doesn't think it counts as Chris’ game.

“It’s not at my dad’s place,” Chris says, and now Eddie has confirmation that Chris thinks of Buck’s game as his. There's no other place Chris could play a game and rightfully believe it to be his, and huh, now Eddie’s contradicting himself.

“Oh,” Jacob says, “I didn’t know your parents were divorced. I thought it was just your dad and you.”

“It is,” Chris replies, and Eddie only stays to see how Chris handles the mention of Shannon, “and they didn’t. My mom died.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Jacob really does sound sorry, so Eddie makes to leave. He listened in on their conversation for too long already. “Where is your game then?”

“It’s at Buck’s place.” Eddie nods along. Yeah, okay. Buck probably told Chris that it’s his. He’ll back Eddie when he doesn’t want Chris to play on tech, but he’ll also make sure to keep an age-appropriate game on hand for when Eddie does allow it.

“Ah, right,” Jacob replies when Eddie can still just barely hear him, like he knows who Buck is. And yeah, that’s fair, seeing how much time they spend with him, and also thinking back to shortly after the tsunami, when Chris talked about it to his peers. He remembers that conversation with his teachers. Chris’ classmates probably remember it too.

“Your dad’s new girlfriend.” Eddie doubles a few steps back. His girlfriend?

“Buck’s not a girl.”

Eddie waits. But that’s all Chris replies. What he wouldn’t give now to be able to see how Chris reacts instead of just having his voice to go on. Is Chris considering how he follows up on that, pondering what exactly Buck is to the two of them? Or is that all he plans to say anyway?

But Eddie can’t see Chris, only hears Jacob interrupt what Eddie hopes is a thinking pause on Chris’ part, and will therefore never know.

Why does he care anyway? It doesn’t really matter what label Chris gives them. Kids get stuff like that wrong all the time. Chris thought he and Ana weren’t married yet, when the two of them could not have been more obviously not meant to work.

Then again, maybe it does matter that Chris seems to not be quite sure how to label whatever Buck is to Eddie. And maybe it matters even more that Eddie himself thinks that there’s wiggling room in how Chris could define what they are to each other. And doesn’t that beg the question of what Buck is to Eddie?

He’s my best friend, Eddie tells himself. It’s true, he knows that it’s true.

But there’s more than this one facet to their relationship. They’re partners, at work and… at work. Partners at work. But if Eddie’s being real with himself? They’re also partners for a lot outside of work. Buck has games at his place that Chris considers his. Eddie trusts Buck with Chris over anyone else. Chris goes to Buck when he’s upset with Eddie. Buck backs him on his parenting decisions, but he also teases him into loosening them if he thinks Eddie’s being unreasonably strict, as he did with the video games.

Fuck, Eddie realizes, they’re also partners in parenting, of all things.

It doesn’t have to mean anything. And it doesn’t, necessarily. Children have godparents for reasons like this. To take care of a child when its parents are no longer there. That’s why Eddie wrote Buck into his will.

Except that it feels wrong to think of Buck this way. He’s also who Eddie wants at his side when it comes to parenting, yes, even while he’s still alive. He wants Buck at his side for work too, without question. But he also wants him at his side, for whatever else life throws at them, for better or for worse.

And whoa, isn’t that cheesy?

Vollständigen Eintrag ansehen

31 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 6. Januar 2022

#2

I Made This Family All On My Own

Watching them, Cirilla has learnt that sometimes “I hate you” means “I hate you”, but sometimes it can also mean “I love you, but I hate that I do”.

Or: After the events of season 2, Geralt decides to stay at Kaer Morhen, where Cirilla tries to connect to Jaskier, and to make sense of the relationships between Geralt, Yennefer and him.

AO3 Fandom: The Witcher (TV) Relationships: Yennefer/Jaskier/Geralt, Cirilla & Jaskier, Cirilla & Vesemir, Cirilla & Yennefer, Cirilla & Geralt

Cirilla starts to learn that emotions are a complicated thing. Surprisingly, it’s the witchers in her life that have the best grip on them, considering she once tried to become one to get away from hers.

Vesemir tells Geralt he should’ve trusted him; that’s how they show each other that they care. Geralt is the first to tell Ciri he loves her, once he got over himself, and Vesemir follows shortly after. She’s come to think of him as her grandfather even, and she thinks that Vesemir has come to grips with having a granddaughter in her too.

Yennefer is a little more difficult. She says things like, “I’d sacrifice everything for you”, so Cirilla thinks she might love her, but Yennefer refuses to say it. Cirilla isn’t sure she’s able to. She doesn’t know how Yen would react if Ciri were the one to say it first, either.

Jaskier is a wholly different egg to crack. Mostly, because she doesn’t really know how to act around him at all. He says, “You’re the child surprise, I heard so much about you,” but she’s got so much else on her mind that she doesn’t really care. It doesn’t even bother her when he says “like father, like daughter,” seeing as she doesn’t mind being compared to Geralt, even if Jaskier obviously means it in a bad way.

But she thinks they both fucked up their first impressions that way, and now, in the halls of Kaer Morhen, they don’t really know how to act around each other. She’s known Geralt for a while now, and he teaches her to fight. She’s known Yennefer for a shorter time, but still longer than Jaskier, and Yen teaches her about magic. But Jaskier and her barely knew each other before, and they don’t have much time to get each other to know each other now, either.

It isn’t aided by Jaskier’s relationships to both Geralt and Yennefer being significantly complicated, either.

Geralt and Yennefer snap at each other all the time too, but she’s seen them kiss at Nenneke’s, so she’s reasonably sure they love each other. Cirilla can understand that magic, politics, and betrayals make things difficult between them, and that they might take some time before they can fully trust each other again and actually love each other openly. She assumes it might take even more time before they do it in front of her.

Watching the two of them, Cirilla has learnt that sometimes “I hate you” means “I hate you”, but sometimes it can also mean “I love you, but I hate that I do”.

It’s with this in mind, that Jaskier’s place in this family, and yes, Cirilla has taken to calling them that, at least in her head, for her own private enjoyment, gets complicated.

Geralt and Jaskier are friends now. Geralt was loath to admit it at first, saying he refused to acknowledge that for a long time, but “he grows on you, like a fungus”.

“You’ll like him too, soon enough, once you get to know him,” Geralt says, fondly, and it seems oddly important to him. Cirilla doesn’t think too much of it at first. She managed with all of Geralt’s brothers too. She’ll manage with a new strange figure in her life, if Geralt wants her to.

But then she’ll hear Jaskier call Yennefer a “bitch” and Yennefer call Jaskier a “bastard”, and Cirilla thinks one of them will leave or make Geralt choose between his love and his friend. She fears Geralt will be miserable, even if he’ll try to hide it, because he is just as happy as her to have them all together here, as a family. And while Ciri might not know Jaskier enough to miss him, should he be the one to go, Geralt does.

Then, the next second, Yen’ll call him a “heart-broken fool”, and he’ll tell her “you’ve gone soft-hearted” in the same tone of voice, with the same amount of venom in their voices, and Cirilla will think “now it’s really all over, they’ll either kill each other or leave”, but they’ll just huff and turn around, a shine to their eyes that might look like respect or understanding if she didn’t know better.

For a while, she thinks it’s just the two of them tolerating each other, because they have seen what Ciri did: that Geralt would miss either of them - and they both love him enough to ignore the other for his sake, until Ciri notices that in their fights Geralt and Yennefer both look at Jaskier the same way they look at each other during their own fights.

Cirilla thinks it must be complicated loving someone you’re so desperate to hate. 

Still, hearing Geralt’s “You’ll like him too, once you get to know him”, and seeing Yennefer failing to hate Jaskier as much as she seemingly wishes to, doesn’t make it easier for Cirilla to actually get to know him, or make sense of what Jaskier sees his own role in this family to be.

Asking Geralt doesn’t yield much more than that, though. He plainly acts like Jaskier and Yennefer don’t act like they hate each other, and he seems to believe that Ciri and Jaskier will just get closer without any of their further input. Considering Jaskier’s personality, this might be true, if the two of them would naturally spend enough time in each other’s company. But when they do, it’s usually shared with Geralt and Yennefer, and as loving each other seems to be the worst thing that could’ve happened to the three adults in Cirilla’s life, it doesn’t really lend itself to that. Their dinner tables are slowly calming now, forgiveness settling over the three of them for things they won’t tell Ciri about, but it doesn’t happen fast enough.

She fought for the respect of Geralt’s brothers, she’ll take it in her own hands to get along with Jaskier too.

“Why do you call him a broken-hearted fool?” she asks Yennefer one day while mixing a potion. Potion-making always lends itself to talking, and Cirilla has asked Yen a lot of things over time. She’s been told about Yennefer’s childhood, about how she met Geralt, what else she’ll teach her, but Yennefer seldom talks about Jaskier. Mostly she just calls him “the bard”, which Cirilla thinks is neither a positive nor even neutral term coming out of her mouth, but even that went from “resigned derision” to “resigned fondness” over the weeks they spent in the workshop.

Yennefer snorts, but has the decency to look a little guilty. “Have you ever listened to his songs?”

Cirilla shakes her head. “I’ve never been around when he played.”

“If you did, you’d know.”

And while that is just as mysterious as anything else she knew about Jaskier before, with the exception of the theoretical facts about how he got to meet Geralt and Yen, it gives her an idea on how to make Geralt happy. Maybe even all three of them.

“When will you teach me how to play the lute?” she drops on Jaskier one day, when she catches him alone.

He jumps, as if startled, and despite him hiding it, she can still make out the “just like her parents. Just expects me to drop everything on her whim.” But then again, with Jaskier, you can never be sure he didn’t want you to hear it.

“I didn’t know you wanted me to teach you. Didn’t figure you wanted my presence at all.” He sizes her up. “You’re a princess. Weren’t you taught music too?”

Vollständigen Eintrag ansehen

55 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 22. Januar 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

We’ve Been Losing Sleep

Rating G, 4.7k words, Buddie, 911

This was inspired by episode 6.01 and some thoughts I had after reading this tumblr post of @vampydiaz

Read below or on AO3

There’s something about building a life around people that’s so very fragile to changes in their emotions.

Buck is not a stranger to that. He knows that despite how strong he thinks their little ecosystem of people is, it’s still a family that they built around the 118. He hasn’t forgotten how off-balance everything and everyone in his life had felt when Eddie and Chimney hadn’t come to work. He’s not so naive as to believe his own actions and emotions can’t have the same impact.

In theory, that is.

In practice, it still takes him by surprise when Chimney drops down on the couch in the middle of the shift, furtively looking around as if to check that no one else is listening, and asks him "So, Buckley, as Eddie’s best friend, would you happen to know what’s going on with him? He’s been weird the last two shifts." and the only thing Buck can think of is that Buck didn’t hang out with him.

"Uh, no, n- not that I can think of", he says instead, because admitting to Eddie reacting to Buck avoiding him would mean admitting to avoiding him would mean admitting to the reason he’s avoiding him. And if he were ready to admit that, Buck wouldn’t be avoiding him.

Chimney looks at him for so long that Buck fears he doesn’t believe him, but then he just shrugs. "If he doesn’t even tell you…," he starts, but doesn’t actually finish. "Maybe you should ask him about it. I think Cap worries, seeing as we all thought Eddie was better now after going to therapy."

"He is better," Buck says, and even he can tell that it was too defensive, too close to snapping at Chim. He gets the lifted eyebrow that he expected earlier. Buck expects Chimney to see through him to what he actually feels, but no. After a second, he just throws his head back and groans.

"The only thing I achieved is to make you worry too, didn’t I?", he asks, and it’s not really a question. More of an assessment of the situation.

Buck sighs, not really knowing what to answer, still grappling with the fact that his actions have consequences, but Chimney takes it as confirmation and leaves this thread of conversation behind.

Buck is grateful, he is. If only, with Chim declaring the conversation over, it was also over in Buck’s head.

Chimney wasn’t even wrong: Buck was worried now. Because Buck had made a conscious decision. He’s well aware that there’s something about building a life around people that’s so very fragile to changes in their emotions. That includes your own.

And there’s no one in the 118 that Buck has built his life around more than Eddie and Christopher.

He felt his emotions shift, or well, maybe shift isn’t quite the right word. Buck suspects these feelings have been building for a long time, hidden under the surface, a perfectly logical progression of the way Buck and Eddie have been developing alongside each other.

He needed a step back. To sort out his thoughts and feelings before he did something brash and regretted it. He needed to make sure that his emotions would not affect this life that their trio, as well as the 118, have built around each other.

There was care in the planning of this step back. No risks taken. Eddie wasn’t even supposed to notice it. Buck didn’t even actively say no to any plans. When Eddie — or Chris — asked him to, he showed up. He just — didn’t actively bring up his own. There should have been no way this would disrupt their friendship, nevertheless the team dynamic.

Still, Bobby and Chim noticed, and were surely not the only ones. So Buck — Buck has to grit his teeth and deal with his feelings head-on, on his own, without dragging his family into it. It’s not their fault that somewhere along the line he fell in love with his best friend.

Determined, he stands up and smiles at Chim before leaving to go look for Eddie. He finds him at the gym, going at the punching bag a little too hard. And yeah, Buck thinks, wincing, as he leans against the pillar closest to him, there’s definitely something going on with Eddie.

"Hey," Buck says, softly, so as not to startle him. There’s still a little jump in Eddie’s step before he turns around to face him. "You wanna grab some breakfast after our shift?"

"Yeah, sure," Eddie says, smiling at him. There’s a crinkle around his eyes that makes Buck think he hasn’t slept all that well lately. It makes his stomach sink. He’s not yet ready to confront being the cause of it, so he doesn’t ask, but the urge to reach out and fix it is so strong, he nearly caves.

Tomorrow, he promises himself.

  Breakfast ends up being a team affair, with Hen and Chimney joining once they get wind of the plan, which… is okay. Buck appreciates the added distance and reprieve, even if it goes against the purpose of the breakfast. He relaxes in the knowledge that at least he was the one initiating the meet-up, despite the way it devolved out of his control, hoping against hope that it would calm the waves of what had thrown Eddie so off-balance at least a little.

By the end of the meal, he’s convinced himself that the best action is to follow Eddie home and just spend the whole day with him and Chris. No doubts about his commitment to being in their lives.

That’s before Chimney says to him: "You’ll be home later, yeah? Maddie wanted to drop by," and what can he say to that? Despite not needing to, ever since she has Chimney and the rest of their support system around, he’d still drop nearly everything for his sister. So if she wants to come around and he doesn’t actually have any other plans yet? Then he’ll be at home.

He can let Eddie catch a few hours of sleep (which, by the look of it, he desperately needs) and then come around after Maddie passed by. Except-

Well, except: now it’s three days later and Buck thinks the universe must have conspired against him, because he still hasn’t seen Eddie outside of his shift and hangouts with the whole team. He’s seen him less even than during the few days that he was actively trying to see him less. Besides making him realize how bad of an idea that forced distance had been (because you never know when life would just keep you apart), it has also come to a point where he’s lying in his bed, phone on his chest, fingers flying over the keyboard, typing "I miss you".

"I can’t write that," he tells himself once he stopped typing, "it’s too obvious. He doesn’t deserve to have to deal with my feelings. That wouldn’t be fair to him."

Vollständigen Eintrag ansehen

62 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 16. Oktober 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

[sweatandwoe]

Love Garrus' negative traits

Love that he embodies everything negative we usually associate positively with renegade Shepard. Love how it doesn't fit him, how it fails him each time he tries. Love that he tries to blind himself into a world where there's only good or bad people (like a cop). Love that he decides Omega, the greyest of grey places, is a place full of bad people. "All I have to do is point my gun and shoot" but not for the people he's trying to save, the peope who call him "Archangel". Who were they again? Does he even recognize them when he's aiming for criminals on the station?

Love that Garrus is forced to confront seeing the world this way in a paragon route, that he's forced to see grey, address the grey. Realizing that everyone has something, a cause, a reason and that his brand of justice may not be just.

Love that Garrus hates the rules that surround him but he is in fact the reason C-Sec has so much red tape, to try and stop injustice among their forces. That Turians aren't meant to question but he does so much but about the wrong things; he's too blind by hate to understand what he's doing. Garrus wants to take care of people and protect people like a good turian however he thinks the best way to help is killing the "bad people". He believes in eye for an eye but hasn't heard the full quote, doesn't know "An eye for an eye will make the world blind". Mercy for one person he despised, who he hated, causes him to rethink his whole character and his previous actions.

I just love this level of tragedy and self-evaluation to a dorky, alien sniper

[violent138]

I see so much batfam-fae content, but come on, Gotham villains are literally playing by magic-world rules. Riddler can't outright lie but loopholes it via riddles. Maybe that's even why they go so crazy in Gotham, the city's old enough to have plenty of iron everywhere.

So many Rogues have ridiculously specific weaknesses. There are kidnappings, apprenticeships, and changeling-esque shenanigans. I for one, am more than ready to believe in Redcaps haunting the ruined Narrows as their territory. Squabbles in the Rogues' Unseelie court disrupt the city.

[mave-rpblog]

circle shenanigans @billcipher-rpblog @ford-between-dimensions @merkkuri-askblog @butterfly-eye

(the red mist is meant to be the border of the magic circle! and also. just wanna say. i do not know how to do backgrounds or lighting... and it really shows... the sky is just. an image from the show. so apologies about that. also also i did not mean to make merkkuri that small... so sorry i only realized now)

[eikichi-supremacy]

good ending! gay love pierces through the veil of death yet again✌🏼

something something man is god to a dog ft. kuwameshi

I'm Your Man, Mitski

[taruruchi]

I found a interesting game and I wanted to introduce it to others too sooo I decided to start and change it a bit

You're starring in a movie with the last character in your photo gallery, and the last song you listened to is the title of the movie! Who and what did you get? ( Bonus: Add what you think the plot is!! )

Here's mine!

(I was listening to a cover of the song, it's originally by Jung Eun-ji)

I think the title "Blue Whale" somehow makes sense since, well, Azul is a merman. I also actually have a blue whale plushie :D But I have no clue what the plot could be sjdjksf Judging from the lyrics of the song, it could probably be a coming of age movie... Maybe

Tagging (no pressure, as always): @linabirb @solxima @marchenmusika @escha-evenstar @officialdaydreamer00 @hisui-dreamer @ashipiko @akaikami-cherryblossom @wakacacao @dahliaisdarling + anyone else who wants to join!! (I'd tag more people but I've already tagged them in a previous game haha... But still, obviously I would love for everyone to join <3)

[johnslittlespoon]

SO. MUCH. curtbuckbucky nightclub au brainrot below the cut, thanks to whoever this insane anon is. you kept my brain so entertained while i was ill, i'm still feeling bonkers about these oh my goddd?? ur messages were so long (/fond LMFAO) that screenshotting them looked janky, so i copied and pasted them into a doc to make it easier to format, i hope that's alright <33

my original nightclub au post for context

this is gonna be such a wall of screenshots (IT'S LIKE 9K WORDS BTWN THE BOTH OF US OOPS i'm not fuckin proofreading it's pure drabble so sorry) but listen this au has been eating away at me so bad too i'm so glad to know it's got someone else in a chokehold as well because it's done smth to my brain and soul

anon is the lovely purple colour and i'm the black text to make for easier reading lol <3

HIII yeahh idk what to say about this LMFAOAO this is so fucked... when the au brainworm hits, it HITS. i don't get to decide what i want to hyperfixate on and brainrot over unfortunately but i sure wish i did </3 i cannot let myself get this carried away in future brainrot posts bc this took SO LONG and it was a nightmare to organize the screenshots and probably so annoying to try and read like this 😭

like genuinely ik i say this every time i get carried away with a brainrot/drabble but i need to make these shorter because it takes me so long to write so i make like no progress in my ask box 💀 but ykw i had fun so <33 eventually i'll write a fic for this au but leaving!bikeriders is gonna be my next chaptered wip after i finish yad(iym) i think :-)

alright that's all, will legit be in awe if anyone swipes thru all of these but if u do i hope the curtbuckbucky brainworms get u too xoxo

[katnissandpeetamellark]

[mariemariemaria]

every american tv show set in a school or college mentions dioramas at some point and they look so fun to make. really feel like i missed out on making a cute wee model that goes towards my final grade or gpa or something

[rwbysketches]

salem did 9/11

[docnukes]

Oc stuff featuring Robert (@freyoru)

The only time you get to see younger Vlad is in fact in a stupid meme redraw

[batsplat]

from the stuff i’ve heard marc’s former honda teammates (dani jorge and pol in their media careers but joan also i guess) say about him now that they’re racing is generally quite positive, both on a professional/riding level but also seemingly on a personal level? i’m wondering what you make of that given that, yeah, marc doesn’t seem like a very good teammate (unless you’re alex who i’ve left off this list). like MARC wants to separate on and off track stuff and it seems like all of these guys are willing too at least in retrospect, so he can’t have truly burned bridges with them. do you have any thoughts on that

(x, x) most riders are quite good at not burning bridges with each other! it's not like marc's competitors don't know that this stuff is kinda part of the game. I mean, all of marc's past teammates were also trying to assert themselves within the internal hierarchy... you can say that certain teammates engage in 'worse' behaviour than others, but, like, these people do understand they're supposed to be fighting each other! a baseline degree of nastiness is factored in and will be accepted to a greater or lesser extent by your rivals - especially when it comes to asserting yourself in intra-team power struggles. you might hate the other guy in the moment, but generally speaking once the active part of the rivalry is done with... you will probably get over it. marc's fellow riders are aware of how ultra-competitive marc is - and to a certain point they do respect it, not least because they're aware that this is part of the reason why marc has ended up with all those titles. it's like dani said, right, it's marc's strong suit. and in general, you do have to say that there's relatively few teammate pairings that devolve to the level of toxicity that it completely destroys the interpersonal relationship. you might need some level of preexisting animosity... most of the purely competitive sins can be healed with a little time

on the 'separating on-track and off-track' thing... well. this is kind of a question of how you define these things, you can say that marc generally speaking isn't going to massively hold grudges over isolated on-track incidents or whatever... but he doesn't just leave his fighting to the track, and personally I've also never felt he can entirely separate these things out in his mind. can you really say his professional and private relationships with other riders are completely detached from one another? mostly, he's opted to be pretty disengaged from his fellow riders as a collective, and obviously that's a good way to not take things too personally... it's all part of the game, isn't it? sometimes it's good to go with the straightforward approach: marc tells you he will make your life hell, he does indeed make your life hell, and then you both move on with your lives and can maybe actually have a pretty amiable relationship with him in years to come. he's not really defying your expectations at any point here, is he now? it's still a question for each of them as individuals as to whether they think that kind of behaviour is above board and acceptable or not... but everyone by now knows that marc plays these games, so it's not like they're going in blind

and it's not like other former teammates are constantly badmouthing each other. I mean... look, let's just cut to the chase here and bring in valentino as our reference point (as he is for the sport as a whole, which by the way does also help create a certain baseline of acceptability for marc's antics - maybe goated riders are just supposed to be dicks who knows). vale's premier class teammates were 1) nobody (2000-01), 2) tohru ukawa (2002), 3) nicky hayden (2003; 2011-12), 4) carlos checa (2004), 5) colin edwards (2005-2007), 6) jorge lorenzo (2008-10; 2013-16), 7) maverick vinales (2017-20), 8) franco morbidelli (2021), and 9) andrea dovizioso (2021). of these eight men (let's just exclude 'nobody' for now), do you know how many had serious complaints at any point about valentino as a teammate? that's right, it's one guy. one. some of valentino's other teammates, like hayden, checa and edwards, were even quite actively positive about their whole experience. this is the thing - you do need some specific circumstances for teammate rivalries to escalate from 'being kinda bitchy every other month' to 'actively fantasising about stabbing each other'. not accounting for natural interpersonal animosity, let's list some circumstantial factors that you need to get a bridge-burning-worthy level of feud:

you need a competitive bike. it is possible to beef about development direction when you're in the trenches (cf late 2010's yamaha, 2020's honda)... but generally speaking this is going to be quite low-level petty stuff, not actual war

you also need something that approaches competitiveness between teammates. if one teammate is unquestionably stronger than the other one, then it is very unlikely that you are going to get any open hostilities. the tension comes when the two sides are close enough to each other for the internal hierarchy to actually be a contentious issue (this is also basic self preservation... if you're the far weaker teammate then you do not want to make the situation troublesome, because then you will be the one to be fired)

following on from those first two things... well, it doesn't hurt to have a title fight in the mix. there are also other ways you can generate competitive stakes, like, for instance, if you and your teammate know that one of you will be out of a job soon. basically, it helps to have something to squabble over

it is maybe easy to forget how rare it is this century for teammates to be fighting directly for a title, let alone over the course of multiple seasons. only two 1-2's since the year 2000 and they're both for the factory yamaha's (though 2006, 2011-13 and 2017 did all prominently feature two factory hondas). which means that for valentino, the prerequisites were met just the once in his premier class career... and yes, the results were pretty memorable, but (topic! for! another! post!) it's worth pointing out that even that relationship was pretty much 'fine' whenever there was a sizeable disparity between the two of them performance-wise (2008 and 2013 are the most clear cut examples). I think the way I'd frame it with marc is that he has a bunch of mildly dubious strategies up his sleeve to assert himself within the team, which don't really deviate that far from what you'd expect from a rider of marc's calibre and only need to be escalated under specific circumstances. that doesn't mean he doesn't have the potential to be ruthless, but up until now it's mostly been a fairly 'acceptable' level of ruthlessness on the intra-team level... and not something that is likely to make other riders actually hate him

taking marc's teammates one by one... dani was the closest to meeting the bridge-burning prerequisites, though he was only a title rival in marc's rookie season. and marc did go further with him than he did with anyone else, and dani has made some pointed comments about marc's style as a teammate... but yes, he is fonder of marc these days. partly I'd just emphasise again that this is a fairly natural progression when you've stopped directly competing for long enough, and partly it's also just a question of individual personality - dani's not massively into holding grudges. then there's jorge, who... I mean, they might as well not have been teammates, given that jorge was either too slow or too injured to even be sharing any track space with marc. you have to put that one down primarily to circumstance, seeing as jorge's own track record on the teammate front isn't exactly spotless. marc and jorge beefing in 2019 would have been pretty dumb and also a massive waste of everyone's time in a year in which marc singlehandedly won the team's championship. even those two needed more to get things going

moving on to the dark years, pol and marc had an extremely stop-and-start partnership on a honda that was generally pretty uncompetitive... so the only stuff they could get ever so mildly irritable about were riveting incidents like 'marc saying pol wasn't the biggest championship threat' (neither of them were) or 'pol saying he'd copy marc's set up' (which proved entirely useless). not exactly title decider territory, is it now, and marc very much had pol covered as a challenger throughout their partnership. also, those two do have a longer history! they've known each other since they were kids and hold a pretty significant place in each other's careers. now that pol's more or less retired, it's natural there'll be quite a lot of sentimentality there - which will paper over any small cracks that appeared during those two years. and joan was a one year teammate at a time in which the bike was consistently close to offing them both. they only managed to start a sunday race together as teammates on thirteen occasions. it would take some serious effort to engineer a feud with that little opportunity, and, really, why on earth would you bother. maybe if honda had gone for rinsy rather than joan for the factory seat, it could've been a bit more prickly, but it's unlikely that it would have escalated beyond that

this is the thing, right, the only one of these partnerships that would have been worth burning bridges over was dani, and even there marc pretty much had him handled after the first season. in general, marc has been pretty clear on how he's not interested in making friends with the other side of the garage while the teammate relationship is ongoing... which is fine! there's some prominent-ish teammate pairings that are actually good friends, some teammate pairings where one of them is actively helping out and advising the other one, but some riders prefer to just keep their distance. it would have been a little silly of marc to start a feud with a teammate who is galaxies away from being a competitive threat, let alone a title rival, but generally it is possible to toe the line between 'attempting to suppress your internal rivals enough to stop them from becoming a problem for you' and 'taking radical enough action to make your internal rivals despise you'

especially in the post-dani era, marc never really had any need to push things too far... and, let's face it, how many of your teammate relationships end up with burnt bridges is also quite frankly a question of luck and circumstance. do you want to guess which top rider on paper has the worst track record this century with premier class teammate feuds, in terms of a) how many they've had, and b) how little public reconciliation there has been since the end of the rivalry?

yes, that's right, it's the first name that comes to mind when you're thinking of toxic and conflict-prone riders: andrea dovizioso. that old devil, constantly causing trouble. just couldn't stop undermining his poor, innocent teammates. can somebody please stop this ruthless bully before it's too late

I think you get the point. I would personally suggest that dovi is not in fact the worst teammate it is possible to have in a motogp top team. he just happened to find himself in a situation where he was teammates with two separate guys he did not click with at all, in situations that involved a pairing of riders who were (or had the potential to be) competitive with each other, as well as some proper stakes attached to the rivalry. in general, situational factors are going to determine this stuff more than anything else... and marc more often than not does have a reasonably good feel for picking his battles. he's flirted with the line, but he's mostly avoided crossing it. he hasn't had to

[sol-consort]

The clear contrast between the lives Ryder and Shepard had growing up. The life on earth Ryder took for granted, not only being allowed to grow up on the homeplanet, but lead a comfortable life as a respected citizen. That their family was well off, it's only the mother's medical costs and SAM's research which ate up at Alec's saving.

How the only way for Shepard to have a resemblance of a connection to earth was to surrender to being orphaned, a kid left to fend for themselves on the street, joining gangs and living in the gutters in their earthborn background.

The other two options being tossed into a random colony and watching their parents slaughtered by slavers at the age of 16, or never allowed a stable home, moving from place to place because of the parents work in the alliance, busy and absent from Shepard's life.

That Ryder got to have all three, a family with loving parents, a stable home, being a citizen of Earth. Leading a cushy life in the megatropolises of the homeplanet while earthborn Shepard was rotting on the very same streets not far off.

The same planet Shepard has to defend in ME3, the one that either starved them, never wanted them to begin with, or robbed them out of spending time with their parents who worked all their life to service it.

The innocence and naivety of Ryder is a luxury Shepard was never granted, the blissful ignorance of the cruel world during their years of development. The fact the universe did everything in its power to kick Shepard down, who never had a soul to protect them, in all possible lifetimes, not a single one has a Shepard who hasn't been forced to suffer while far too young.

Despite it all, they still survived.

[maxbytes]

i love our puppy love @peri

[o-wyrmlight]

A Toast to the Pigs: A Disco Elysium fanfic that explores the concept of Harry Du Bois waking up in Martinaise with his memory intact and still having to solve the case. Chapter 15: The end of Day 1; an Intermission. I hope you enjoy. Content warnings are found at the top of the chapter. Please do mind them.

In the 41st Precinct, Satellite-Officer Jean-Heron Viquemare is working a longer night than usual in the office. The sound of typewriters and conversations float familiarly throughout the night. He has a large stack of paperwork at the corner of his desk to keep himself busy. He won’t get through them by morning—but when he wakes, neck sore from where it lays at his desk, the first person he’ll search for is you. In a café east of the traffic jam in Martinaise, Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi is sitting at a table and enjoying a light dinner. He flips the newspaper to the sports section and shakes his head. The Stormers have lost again. He sips his tea and moves on to the crossword, pondering the man he is temporary neighbors with. You wonder, briefly, what the café is. It’s a chain: Coraline’s Crépes and Coffee. And yes—it would come across as stalker-ish if you just showed up there. Why do you want to be there, anyway? Because you’re alone, Harry. Everyone’s doing something without you. You’re greedy with want to be around other people, but all you ever do anymore is hurt. There’s only one company you can keep: A bottle of Commodore Red. So you nurse that bottle, baby. Hurt yourself instead.

Or you do not.