#THE AMOUNT OF THINGS I CAN DO TO EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD WITH THIS APP IS ALARMING TO THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE HAVING

[fairfell]

May Whomstever-the-FUCK decided to make it so Internet Routers need a MyFuckin' App to set up the password and security settings step on randomly generated Lego pieces of various shapes and sizes and pain intensities for the rest of their fricken life.

[protoformx]

What it says on the tin! me and juice have been scrabbling everything we have together to get out of my mothers house!!! we're on a waitlist to one apartment complex and actively looking for others to apply to in hopes we can get out of here before the holidays!!!

the situation in the house we've lived in for the last year has been one of constant gaslighting from my mother which has grown to include an insane amount of passive aggression because we've complained. we pay for most of this apartments expenses when there's five people total crammed into the two bedroom we moved into. everyone but me and my mother work but if we ask for any leeway or help my mother chews us out about how my Grown niece and nephew that have jobs shouldn't have to lift a finger in the house. this includes every kind of chore (I do them).

Juice works a full time job 10-12 hours a day 5 days a week and the only time we get to be comfortable and relax is while being outside of the house he pays for. While home we aren't able to talk about or discuss anything without my mother coming down on us about how we're making up every issue we site and about how we're crazy. we get ganged up on by my niece and nephew whom she's ignored our want to kick out for months.

I'm physically disabled and unable to work anything that has me stand for more than 30 minute periods which has been an impossible job criteria to get into right now. I'm also mentally disabled with an unspecified dissociative disorder and psychotic episodes to boot. I'm unable to access healthcare and this situation has been actively making me sick to the point of weight loss and thinning hair among other hosts of things.

we should be able to organize our funds to move out on our own eventually, but are asking for crowdfunding to help us get out faster! things have been at a boiling point for about two months and we just need to leave.

long paragraphs summarized:

HELP A MENTALLY ILL TRANSGENDER COUPLE GET OUT OF A TOXIC HOUSEHOLD

buy us a coffee : wizardlocation

ca/sh$app tag : $manticore /$RoddyPrime

ven /mo: Juice-Jubilee

[catboybiologist]

Unprompted fucking rant time!

I'm getting my PhD after getting my BS and my Master's. I've gone through three separate rounds of university applications. And while I'm openly a bisexual trasfemme now, I've done every round of those applications as a cishet white boy. I've been rejected by a shitton of universities, and accepted by a fraction of that. My current institution is an R1 for my field- basically meaning it's in the highest tier of research funding and therefore research prestige/output- but it's very far from a household name the way Harvard or Stanford is. My undergrad institution was the cheapest local four year college that I was guaranteed admission to because my high school grades were piss poor due to an array of mental health problems.

So from that perspective.... Race and ethnicity demographics should 100% be used as a factor in determining admissions to help increase diversity. There's many reasons to think this, but there's two that underline a lot of my thinking on the matter.

Number one is kind of obvious, but what isn't obvious is how blatant it is. The top tier of universities has blatantly favored white people for generations, oftentimes explicitly. And oftentimes, they still do! Having relatives working at a particular university, or being alumni from a university, is literally part of the application materials for many of these universities. During my Harvard grad school apps, they literally had a pop-up window that asked me to check off any wealthy families I was a part of from a list of donor and alumni last names. It was so fucking blatant that I bust out laughing. Spoiler alert, I didn't get in. You cannot look at me with a straight face and tell me that these universities should be allowed to openly and blatantly give admission priority to rich, white, dynastic American families, while not affording any concession for overcoming the shittiness of being born into a persecuted group.

Number two is the thing that most people realize, but I don't think has really sunk in on a societal level. A massive factor in admissions is blind, dumb luck, and I'm not joking. When admissions tells you they received more qualified applicants than they could admit, it's 100% true. Many applications end up in a stage where they just have to randomly reject people to keep numbers down- or even if it's not completely random, they have to grasp for straws into an enormous amount of intangible factors that have nothing to do with someone's actual qualifications. So if you're down to that level of grasping at straws.... Why not use it as an opportunity to increase diversity? Because as it stands, you're not getting rejected because you're white- you're getting rejected because your high school didn't have a fucking sailing team. Remember that Stanford admissions scandal a while back?

There's a number two and a half that is an observation I've had about life in general here: one of my deepest held beliefs after going through a good portion of my early career is that everyone is overqualified for the opportunities they've been given. If your education system is genuinely functional, you'll be able to take people from an amazing diversity of backgrounds, and y'know... Educate them. If these universities lowered their admissions standards a shitton, and randomly pulled from the new pool of "less qualified" people, and they put them in an environment with access to the same resources as before... They would succeed.

There's a whole other rant embedded here about how elite-tier university education actually sucks, and all they do is filter for people who already have massive educational resources of their own. University prestige is mostly a lie, except in terms of how much grant funding you can get. But if you gave that level of funding to a state college tomorrow? They'd still do great things with it. But that's a side thought.

There's ALSO the side rant about why marginalized groups are important in science overall for perspectives on how science interacts with society, but that's also a whole other rant.

There's one thing I will say against this: sometimes, it's too late. For grad school and a little bit for undergrad admissions, an enormous amount of unpaid labor and study is required to even be eligible for the application itself. Required undergrad research hours are often unpaid. My undergrad research advisor paid her student labor when she wasn't required to, and surprise surprise, she has one if the most diverse and successful labs on that campus. Beyond just undergrad research, this goes waaayyyy back to the schooling and tutoring opportunities that people from higher socioeconomic backgrounds have access to from day one... But that's also a larger side rant. Point is, race based admissions are valid and necessary now, but they're a temporary bandage on the bleeding wound that is education discrepancy.

This was kinda random, but this got kick-started by an IRL discussion with a couple of friends and I just needed to vent my whole perspective here. Idk if the community of voyeuristic transfemmes I've mostly accumulated here will care, but it's nice to just type these things sometimes lol

[linka-r9-vysocina]

@ everyone who has tried to keep track of their spendings but always failed miserably because they couldn't find a good system:

After years of failing, I finally managed to figure out how to do it in a way that works for me. I now realise that there might be other ways and probably even specific apps for that so maybe this post is gonna be kinda useless... but I wanted to share anyway.

Are you familiar with an app called Settle Up? It's magic if you need to figure out how much a group of people owe each other - we use it to track our household expenses with my flatmates. And I figured out, well, I already have this app that I use, I could use it for tracking just my own expenses too?

So here's what u do. You download the Settle Up app if you don't have it already. You make a "new group". Then, you think of the categories of your expenses. For me, I decided it would be useful to have more categories than less, so right now I have: charity, transport, household and toiletries, coffee and cake, cats, culture (cinema tickets and Spotify subscription goes here), medication, clothing, groceries/food, therapy and Other. (Right now I added Belgium 2024 as I am planning to go on holiday and I paid for the plane tickets already, next month I am also adding "hobbies").

Then, when you have that figured out, you add all of the categories as members of the group:

What you do next is, whenever you spend any amount of money, you open Settle up (as you probably already have the phone in your hand anyway) and add that expense to the group:

Then, you can put down a description and, most importantly, you choose a category:

(unfortunately the free version doesn't let you add a receipt photo)

If you are tracking your own expenses, it's important to choose only one, otherwise it will make a mess.

Voilà: you have a list of what you spend on what.

you can also see the most recent transactions on top:

There are only two things that this system does not immediately solve, which are 1) you still need to, you know, open the app, punch the numbers and add the expenses - but I find that the app is making is simpler for me by being really simple, there are sometimes ads but they aren't super annoying, and it's just pretty fast and well designed, and 2) there is no statistic for month-to-month tracking. What I do is, I got a paper notebook, and for each month I write down my income and then I copy the expenses + categories there. It helps me to see numbers on paper, tbh. After I have written everything down, I delete all the transactions from the app and can start a new month with a clean slate :)

As I said, there might be apps which are made specifically for expense tracking and budgeting, but I wanted to share my system because it works for me and I was thinking that it might also work for someone else. Also I really like the app, it's one of those rare ones which actually makes my life easier, and it's pretty no-nonsense. (No, they're now paying for this post.)

Anyway, hope this might help if you're someone who is trying to figure out how much they spend on what

[purplesurveys]

1771

Do you sleep with just a sheet in summer when it's hot? My blankets are just the right amount of thickness so I can use them whether it's summer (as long as I have the aircon on) or during the chillier time of the year.

Are you one of those people who needs to have at least some blanket on you when you sleep so the monsters don't get you? Little bit, yeah haha.

Will anyone be visiting your house any time soon? As far as I know, no. The whole household has been recovering from Covid, coughs, and colds anyway so it would be safest for everyone not to be here for at least a few more weeks. 

What was the last museum you went to? Not a museum per se but I went to Art Fair earlier this year...which kind of sucked because it was so crowded and couples kept blocking the pieces to take Instagram photos. I hung out there for a much shorter time than I ever expected to and just went to Yabu after like an hour lol.

Scroll through your camera roll quickly without looking, then stop it with your finger. What's the first picture your eye lands on? It's a photo of me cradling the stray dog that I had grown attached to while visiting my dad's family in Tagaytay, from Christmas last year. I legitimately missed out on a chunk of that party because I was right outside the house just babying the dog to death lol. Sweetest guy ever and for a while that day I did try to genuinely pitch to my parents if we could bring him home.

Do you get bursts of creative energy or is it more consistent? I would say it's pretty consistent. My job requires constant creativity so it naturally carries over to my personal life.

Have you ever been chased by a dog? I have been but always in a playful way.

What's your favourite kind of soda? None of them. Sprite is the most-decently flavored soda for me but I still would never opt for it as like a first choice drink ever.

Are you a visual learner? Not at all. I need words.

Do you have a drink with you right now? What is it? I have. It's coffee.

What was the last science fiction movie you watched? Ooh, not my genre of choice. I'm not sure about movies but my most recently watched sci-fi anything would probably be Black Mirror.

How far away from your home is the nearest train station? 7-10 minutes.

Do you listen to music every day? I do listen to at least one song a day, yes.

If you have a passport, when does it expire? I can't remember if it's 2032 or 2033.

Have you ever smoked a cigar? Nopes.

What was the last app you opened on your phone? My camera roll because of that picture question from this survey.

Is your voice high, low, or somewhere in the middle? It's somewhere in the middle and ever so slightly leans towards low.

Are you wearing any rings right now? I'm not.

Have you ever been to a baby shower? Never been. Hasn't really been a thing here ever until recently with today's generation catching up to the practices in the west.

Do you have any cash stashed away anywhere? I neverrrrr carry cash on me anymore. Drives my parents crazy but I just can't – cash for me translates to 'money I can spend' and that's just dangerous if I constantly have it around hahaha.

What are your neighbours like? Quiet.

What month is your birthday? How far away is that from now? It's in April so it'll be another 5 months before I celebrate a birthday.

What's the next friend or family birthday coming up? Will you buy them a present? It's one of my cousins' birthday today and no I did not get him anything.

What was the last book you read? Not sure tbh.

Have you ever spend a long period of time in a country you weren't born in? The longest I've spent outside the Philippines was like a week in Indonesia. I've never lived in another country.

Do you make your own surveys on Bzoink? I've never made a survey.

What colour are the bottoms you're wearing today? Blue.

How many beds are in your home? Four.

Do you wear face masks in public? I stopped a few months ago.

What are your plans for tomorrow? I'll be at the dentist in the morning, then I'll be seeing Andi later in the day so I can help them review for their midterms.

[draconomicat]

I totally get where you're coming from, it can be awkward and uncomfortable, and I don't want to sound dismissive of this! But! I have a possible solution for the specific situation in the first post and I thought it would be useful to share!

There's an app called Splitwise. It allows you to create a group and add any expenses within that group (e.g. sharing a meal, buying someone a drink, whatever), talliesit up and lets you knowing exactly what is owed by each person. I use it for hangouts with groups of friends regularly, and we usually settle everything up like once every few months or so

What I especially like between groups is that it simplifies debts! So for example if I buy Ana something, and Ana buys Nick something of similar value, the app tells us Nick has to settle up with me instead. It minimizes the number of transactions needed for everyone to be settled. This is an optional feature you can turn on and off on groups whenever you want!

Let me show you a real situation. This January I went on a trip with a few friends, and we created a group for the trip and launched every expense we had/shared like so:

If we go to the "Balance" page, it has the breakdown of who owes/is owed and how much, already having done the math to reduce the number of transactions, showing I'm owed R$317.53, and only one person needs to pay me for that amount, even though I've paid small amounts for several different people

And if I go to the main page of the group I can clearly see what I owe/am owed, like so:

Also took a screenshot of my household bills group so you can see the difference when you owe something instead:

This helps me because it cuts down considerably on the math I have to do, while making everyone aware of exactly how much we owe each other and for what, which helps reduce my anxiety when it comes to money. It may not solve the problem for everyone, but it's still useful to know!

The app name is Splitwise, and they also have a website that works just the same if apps aren't your thing. The free version allows you I think 4 or 5 transitions a day, and the pro version is not too expensive, if you use it often enough to warrant it! Also, your friends don't need to have an account for the division to work, even though they get invited when you create a group.

i get that it works for ppl but even if i did go out to eat more often the 'oh we all just informally take it in turns to pay' system i see ppl describing would. not work for me. i do not have a good enough memory so would be in a constant state of low-level stress in case everyone was quietly resenting me for not paying enough!

[liyazaki]

Hello! This is @vegasandhishedgehog

Been meaning to ask for a while, but I am hoping to make a trip to Thailand in about 6 months (April-Mayish) and I wanted to ask for any advice you could give since you did yours! I'd be going on my own, which is a little daunting, but I am considering making part of my trip a guided tour so I won't be entirely lost. I got started working on the language and need to pick it back up 😅 but I really want to be able to communicate/read at least some. Anything you can think of is welcome, and if you know anyone else who might help I'd love to be referred to them as well!

that’s so exciting! solo travel can be intimidating but a blast, too- and in my opinion, Thailand would be a great, pretty safe place to do it. my awesome travel partner @flukenatouch could give her own advice, and my friend @parralex0889- who we got to hang with in both Bangkok and Phuket!- has been to Thailand many times and may be able to give you reccs, too.

we were happily surprised (and very grateful) at how many people knew conversational English, so you should be able to get by just fine with some basic Thai.

another thing that surprised us was how impressed- sometimes even thrilled- people were with the bare-bones Thai we knew, which makes me think that a lot of foreigners don’t learn even basic greetings before going to Thailand. making a point of speaking at least a little Thai (even if it’s just hi, thank you & yes/no) is a small gesture of respect that goes a long way.

I’m not sure which cities you’re planning on going to, but one tour recommendation everyone says is a must, even if you don’t like tours (that we unfortunately just didn’t have time to do) is a cooking tour through Bangkok.

you meet with a chef and your tour group in the early morning hours at a market, and they help you pick out the ingredients you’ll need. the group then cooks a multi-course Thai meal before feasting. it seems like a really awesome way to get immersed in the culture while stuffing your face with authentic Thai cuisine (bonus: you’ll know how to cook it when you get back home).

now, onto my random AF but strongly felt opinions/musts (plus a warning or two):

7-11: aka Convenience Store Heaven

my first 7-11 dinner (of many) that cost maybe $6

if you told me that one of the things I’d miss the most about Thailand is their 7-11’s, I would’ve laughed in your face, but it’s a fact. be prepared to fall in love with- of all things- a convenience store; really, THE convenience store of Thailand. there are so many 7-11’s, some are literally across the street from each other.

here’s why we fell so hard: they all seemed to be open 24/7; they offer delicious, non-frozen Thai meal options for $1-$3 USD (that they’ll offer to heat up for you); they have decent, strong coffee that they prepare for you (no sticky self-service machines here), and they have plenty of non-food essentials, like body care, household items- even incense for the temples or to take home.

the best part- and why you’ll never catch me complaining about the sheer amount of 7-11’s? the selection actually varies from store to store, which kept us coming back. one even had prescription contact lenses for less than $7 USD, which I never saw at any other 7-11 we went to! you never know what you’re going to find- although I guarantee you’ll see sponsored products from the shows we all love in every one!

(sorry boys, but don’t believe Mile and Apo’s adorableness: that kombucha is horrendous & I love kombucha 🤣)

The Almighty Grab App

The Grab app was formerly owned by Uber, and has Uber’s same, basic function: connecting you with local, registered drivers- adding a level of safety/security you won’t get with most taxi services- who will get you from point A to point B for the exact rate listed in the app- no more, no less.

that last part is essential for budget reasons: with Grab, you know you aren’t going to get hit with astronomical “tourist rates”. it also eliminates language barrier stress because your driver will already know where they’re taking you.

all that being said: from 3PM on in Bangkok especially, hopping on the MRT (subway) or BTS (sky train) if you can will be much faster than ordering a Grab. we got stranded one night at our favorite budget shopping mall (Platinum Fashion Mall, my beloved) because the traffic was so bad, Grabs couldn’t get to us for hours!

another aside: unless you’re dead-set on the novelty of it, don’t waste your money on tuk-tuk’s. they’re expensive, slow and the drivers tend to be intense upsellers- some may try to divert you to jewelry stores and other shops where they get a kickback for your purchases. we don’t feel like we missed out on anything by skipping that “classic” experience.

back to my favorite part of Grab: it’s so much more than a taxi app. craving Tom Yum- or pizza, Taco Bell, whatever- at midnight? switch to the Delivery section of the app, order what you want and a Grab driver will have your food to you in less than 30 minutes (typically) for $1-$2 USD. break the zipper on your suitcase and need pliers to fix it (this actually happened to us 😂)? someone will go buy it and drop it off for again, $1-$2 (mind = still blown).

the Grab app also has a grocery delivery section and other features we didn’t have the time or need to check out. it seriously does everything and I don’t know what we would’ve done without it!

one caveat: if you want to use a card with the Grab app (they actually accept cash on arrival for everything, including rides), make sure you have a card that plays nice internationally/with Thai baht.

The Grand Palace + Scammer Avenue

99% of our interactions with locals were positive. the only scammers we ran into were outside The Grand Palace, and dear Lord- they’re pros!

the entrance to The Grand Palace is not the easiest to find, and the road leading to it is filled with people who will try to tell you the temple/grounds are closed for a special Buddhist holiday- some were even in uniforms with official-looking booths. don’t believe it: it’s a ruse to get you to hop on a tuk-tuk, usually to go to one of the kickback stores I mentioned before.

this is the intersection where we got hassled the most. if you find yourself there, get your power walk on, ignore them or tell them no if they’re being aggressive, and you’ll be fine.

The Grand Palace is a stunning feat of architecture, filled with cultural and religious significance- it’s worth it, I promise!

I could go on and on about the things we loved, experienced and what I’d love to do again, but we’d be here all day- plus, I’ve already written out most of it in the 30ish page Google Doc we made to plan the trip, if you’re really interested 🤪

it can be daunting to plan a trip like this, but we were so happy we did the legwork of figuring out what we wanted to do ahead of time. we knew what our priorities were (lots of BL filming locations, Thai massages and good food 😂) and how we’d make them happen, which freed us up mentally to enjoy ourselves and be spontaneous when we felt like it.

if you need more advice or have other questions as you’re planning, send me a message! 💖

[itsallyscorner]

Just saw your little mix!reader au (LOVED IT) and I was thinking, what if y/n is kinda like Perrie aka the queen of leaking things and she's dating Tom and everyone makes fun of them bc they are THE couple that keeps spoiling/leaking stuff

Hello lovey!! Thank you for requesting and reading my other work, it’s very much appreciated!🥰 I love this request sm, omg. Happy reading, I hope you like it!💖

💌.

The King and Queen of Leaking

I had WAY too much fun with this request...enjoy!🥰

It had been a regular day in your household. You were in the kitchen starting up on breakfast while Tom was in his makeshift gym doing his morning workout. You were just finishing up on the eggs when your phone pinged. Glancing at your phone you saw that it was a text from Jade.

Jade💜: Babes! Check you email ASAP!!!

The texts in the band’s group chat began to flood in making you curious. Have you all done something to get in trouble with management? Maybe it was an awards nomination? Turning off the stove, you place the last pile of scrambled eggs onto Tom’s plate. After you set the plates on the table, you pull out one of the dining chairs and sit on it, pulling out your phone to see more texts from the girls.

Perrie🦋: Oh.My.God. I CANT BELIEVE IT!!!

Leigh-Anne😻: AHHHHHH THIS IS BIG!!! FIRST NUMBER ONE OF THE YEAR!!!

Jesy💖: I’m so so so SO proud of us!!! And our fans omg, they’re amazing!! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

Jesy💖: Where the hell is (y/n)???

Jade💜: Probs busy with Tom👀🍆💦

Perrie🦋: Has she not seen the news yet??

Leigh-Anne😻: Based on her lack of response, I’m guessing she’s busy😉

Jesy💖: (Y/N) I SWEAR HOP OFF TOM’S BLOODY DICK, SWEET MELODY IS NUMBER 1 ON THE CHARTS!!!!!

You gasp once you read Jesy’s last message. Your fingers move rapidly across your screen, exiting the messaging app to open up your email. The anticipation builds up in your body as you refreshed your inbox. Your leg bouncing as the little circle that went around and around popped up on your screen. For the last couple of days and weeks, your fans have been streaming Sweet Melody to top the charts and get it to Number 1. It has only been 10 weeks since “Confetti” has been released and the album has been getting an amazing response. Seeing your fans’ determination to get the song up the charts made your adore them even more and you just wanted to hug and thank every single one of them. You guys had the most amazing fans in the world, though many celebrities claimed that theirs were the best, Mixers were the crème de la crème in your eyes.

Your inbox refreshes and the first email you see is from the Official Charts Company, a company that celebrated singles that reached number one on the charts. You click on the email and carefully skim through the paragraph. When you read that Sweet Melody had officially charted at number one you let out an excited squeal. Tessa, who has been sitting beside your seat, jumped up to her feet the same time you did. Your crouched down as she happily bounced around you.

“Number one Tess! We made it to number one!” You squealed as you gently squished her face. She let out a bark before licking your face.

“Let’s go tell daddy the news, huh? Let’s go!” You couldn’t contain your excitement, the feeling rushing through your veins. You felt like your heart could burst from all the happiness you were currently feeling.

You practically ran to where Tom was, your feet moving as quick as your heartbeat. Tessa’s nails clicked against the wooden floors echoing in the hallway.

Tom, who had just finished his workout, heard the commotion outside. Your excited squeals and the sounds of both your and Tessa’s feet getting closer to him. The stomps came to a halt once you stopped at the doorway of his “gym”. He looks up from his phone and looks at you expectantly. You were beaming, like the sun that brought light into the room. His expression mirrors yours, but his smile was a bit more confused.

“Hi darling, what’s up?” He asks, removing his AirPods and placing them back into their case. You squeal excitedly once again as you run across the room and stand in front of him. Though, it was as if your feet had springs in them because you couldn’t stop jumping. Tom looks at you amused but was still confused.

“(Y/n), what did you do, love?” He asks. Maybe you were up to something?

You stop jumping for a bit and unlock your phone, shoving it into his face. He moves his face back so his eyes can focus but ends up taking the phone from you because you were moving too much. As you dance around the room, Tessa joining in on your little fiesta, Tom reads the email to himself. Once he reads the news his jaw drops looking up at you with wide eyes.

“NUMBER ONE BABY!” You scream before running into his arms. A look of shock is on his face before he screams “YES!” at the top of his lungs. Your legs wrap around his torso as his arms support your back and your bum. He starts shaking his hips and jumping around just like you were as you both celebrated your band’s huge success.

Your cheeks began to hurt from smiling too much, but you just couldn’t keep it off your face. You were too happy to keep a neutral face so you continued to smile. Tom looks up at you with the most proudest expression. He knew how hard you and the girls worked on every song on your albums, so to see that hard work being rewarded made him feel immense amounts of joy for you all.

You began to giggle as you hid your face behind you hands, Tom still carrying you. “I can’t believe this actually happened, oh my god.” Your voice came out muffled but Tom could still understand you. He chuckled while he placed your feet back to the ground. You leaned your head against his chest while his hands rubbed circles onto your back.

“Of course it happened love, you guys deserve it.” He places a kiss on your temple while he swayed you guys back and forth. His cheek resting against you hair as he held you. Your excitement boiling down to disbelief at the news.

He moved his head and gently removed your hands from your face. “Look at me.” Turns out you were silently crying, your tear stained cheeks making his heart drop, but then he noticed they were tears of joy.

You sniffled, smiling when Tom wiped some of your tears away. His hands cupped your cheeks while his eyes gazed at you lovingly, “You have no idea how proud I am of you— and the girls. You guys have worked day and night for this album to exist. I’ve seen you guys write each song and saw how much thought goes into each one, you guys are fucking incredible. Look at how much success it’s getting, you guys did that.”

You laughed as more tears ran down your cheeks. You groaned throwing your head back and wiping them away, “Well, I couldn’t have done it without you. You’ve been so understanding with everything and you managed to be one of my biggest inspirations for writing. Thank you. I love you so much.” You beamed at him before crashing your lips against his soft ones. You felt his lips curve up to a smile as his hands held your face. You suddenly pulled away, Tom chasing your lips, still stuck in your little moment.

“Oh my God! We need to tell the fans! They’ve been streaming for weeks!” You pecked his lips once more before rushing out the room. The excitement entering your body once again. Tom looks down at your phone in his hands smirking. He turned to Tessa, “Give her a few seconds.”

“MY PHONE!” He heard you exclaim in the hallway. Your head popped from behind the entrance. You skipped into the room and took the phone from Tom.

“I love you!” You sang, kissing his lips again, then skipping out to the hallway.

Before you can post anything of the band’s new achievement, you opened the group chat.

(Y/n)🌻: First off, I was far from Tom’s dick, I was actually cooking😌

(Y/n)🌻: Second, I love you all so much!!!!!! I can’t believe we did it, the amount of pride I feel to be part of this band is astronomical right now! Nine years together and we’re still making it, I love you guys!❤️❤️❤️

After you messaged the girls, you opened up Instagram. Meanwhile, Tom had joined you, dressed in new clothes and fresh out the shower. He hummed at the food on the table and pressed a kiss to your forehead, his way of silently thanking you. He sat in the chair beside yours and began to dig into his breakfast.

“Do you mind if I film a video real quick?” You ask him, looking into the camera as you fixed your hair. Tom wipes his mouth and swallows his food.

“Go ahead, tell the world you’re number one.” He teased you. You rolled your eyes though your lips were curved into a smile. You prepared yourself before pressing down on the circle.

Video:

“Hi guys! So I’ve just found out some amazing news and I thought you guys might want to hear it too—“ Tom began to drum on the table, making you look at him in amusement.

“Oh, that’s a good idea.” You nod, approving of his actions. When he stops drumming and points at you, you look back to the camera with a giant smile.

“Guys...WE MADE IT TO NUMBER ONE! SWEET MELODY IS AT NUMBER ONE ON THE CHARTS!” You announced, voice bouncing off the walls of your house. Behind you was Tom, also cheering equally as loud while he pumped his fists into the air.

“Thank you guys so much! The girls and I love each and every single one of you, you guys are the best fans in the world and we are forever grateful for you. Thank you!” You blew a kiss into the camera before ending the video.

You watched the video over then tagged the girls and the group’s Instagram. You quietly hummed Sweet Melody to yourself as you clicked around and added some stickers to your video. When you were content, you clicked on share and turned your phone off.

“Alright, celebratory breakfast.” You sang as you grabbed your fork and stabbed it into a strawberry.

Tom chuckled beside you and nudged your shoulder, “Then celebratory sex after?” You hummed at his suggestion, eyes teasingly squinting at him.

“Give me time to digest first. Then celebratory sex.” When Tom agreed you laughed and dug into your food. Everything was going great at the moment. Your song is number one on the charts, your career is flourishing, you had four amazing sisters, and you had the world’s best boyfriend. It was as if nothing could go wrong.

~half an hour later~

Tom had you pinned to the bed, light kisses scattering along your skin while his hands rubbed your thighs. With clothes still on, he was snuggled in between your legs, finding comfort in the tight space. He managed to get your top off leaving you in that red lacy bra he adored on you. His lips ghosted between the valley of your breast and down to your belly button. His lips stopping right above your sweatpants. He tilted his head back a bit to drink in your appearance. Hooded dark eyes, laid out before him, that red bra making your breasts look irresistible, you were perfect.

“Look at my pretty girl. Aren’t you stunning?” His voice was deeper than his usual chipper tone. The tone brought butterflies in your belly, the vibrations of his voice going straight to your core.

“I’m all yours, Tommy.” Your hand finds its way to the brown curls that rested on his head. You gently guide his head back up and pull his lips towards you. Your lips connect, first gently and almost innocent, but full of passion. The passion burns more when he presses his hard on against you, roughening up the passionate kiss, your teeths clashing and tongues wrestling. You were lost in his trance until your phone tinged.

Tom curses under his breath as you both jump from the sudden sound. You quietly apologize and mute your phone, not bothering to look at the notification. When you lay back on the bed, Tom’s palms press against you cheeks as he crashes you lips together. His hands move below you, tugging off your sweatpants. He was about to remove the last layer of clothing separating you two when your phone continuously began to vibrate. On the other night stand, Tom’s phone began to vibrate as well.

Your boyfriend groans plopping his head against your stomach. You sigh apologetically, hands now stroking his bare back.

“We should get that, seems important.” He kisses your stomach, hesitantly dragging himself off you. You roll over to your stomach and grab your phone.

Notifications

Jesy💖: We love you too my darling!! We miss you so much here in London:(

Perrie🦋: I would say let’s have a sleepover as soon as you come back from Atlanta, but the pandemic:( I miss you tons!!!🥺

Jade💜: I love youuuuuuuu❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Leigh-Anne😻: You absolute gem, I love you❤️

Jesy💖: (Y/n) what did you tag me in?

Jade💜: Wait, I’m tagged too.

Perrie🦋: I didn’t get tagged :(

Oh wait, I see it :D

Leigh-Anne😻: Why do I have a bad feeling about what she tagged us in?

Jesy💖: (y/n)?

(Y/N)!?

WHY IS SHE NOT REPLYING WHEN I NEED HER TO REPLY!

Perrie🦋: OIIII!!! AT LEAST IT WASNT ME THIS TIME🤪

Jade💜: Jesus, she’s turning into Tom, smh.

Leigh-Anne😻: She’s always been like this lmao

Tom’s only made her worse🙄

Jesy💖: (Y/N) DELETE YOUR FUCKING STORY ON INSTAGRAM THEY ARENT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT SM IS NUMBER ONE YET!!!!!!!!!!

Jade💜: I bet you NOW she’s busy with Tom

hehehe🍆💦👀

Leigh-Anne😻: Babes!!! Now’s not the time to be doing the deed with Tom!!

Jesy💖: Hold on let me text Tom too.

Your eyes widen as you read the messages from the girls. A string of “shits” with a mix of “fucks” fall continuously out your mouth. You struggle to turn around, getting tangled in the sheets. When you finally sit up properly you go to your Instagram and rush to your stories.

“Uh, (y/n)—“

“Yeah, I know, I know.” You frustratedly mumble as your thumbs fumble on the screen. You go to your story and don’t even hesitate to delete the video you posted just half an hour ago. Tom’s phone rings and you swear you hear him gulp. He answers it, putting it on speaker mode and holds it away from his ears.

“Tom Holland I blame you!” You hear Jesy’s voice through the phone. You double check if you deleted the story before turning your phone off and shoving your face into your pillow.

“I didn’t even do anything!” Tom defended himself, almost laughing. Honestly, as bad as the situation was, it was ironic how it was his girlfriend that leaked the news. You guys are really meant to be.

“The hell you weren’t! Literally drumming on the table, you div! I can’t with you two!” Jesy exclaimed. You knew she was joking by the tone of her voice. “Where is your girlfriend anyway?”

Tom giggle shoving the phone next to your ear, “My lovely girlfriend is right beside me.”

You hear Jesy gag, “Babe, did you even read the email properly?”

You lift your head from the pillow and take Tom’s phone. “No, I got too excited about getting number one.” You admitted pouting. Tom chuckles at you, moving to lay beside you. His arms wrapping around your almost bare figure and shoving his head in between your breasts. Nothing sexual but because they felt like soft pillows against his cheeks.

“They said they’re announcing it on Monday.” She informed you chuckling. You whined and facepalmed yourself. “It’s okay, hun. You were just in the moment, I know how you can get. Although, the fans absolutely love it.” She mentioned.

“Do they?” You asked stifling a laugh.

“Having an absolute field day, they’ve deemed you the Queen of Leaks. Apparently Tom’s been crowned as your king.” She teases. You feel Tom laugh against your chest, his shoulders shaking.

“Alright, I’ll go now, let you two get back to what you were doing. I suggest lurking through Twitter and Instagram, the fans’ reactions are hilarious.” You bid your goodbyes and hang up. Tom’s head pops up from your chest, “Can we please go through the reactions?”

“I was thinking the same thing.” You tell him already opening up Instagram. You go through your tags to see a bunch of memes. Tom shifts to sit beside you, throwing his arm around your shoulder.

Some fan reactions:

🖤 1,944 likes

Tom watching (y/n) make her video and being the supportive boyfriend he is🥺 They’re made for each other I swear

🖤 1,393 likes

The girls watching (y/n)’s story and finding out she just leaked the news. We stan our Queen of Leaks😌🙌🏼👑

🖤 1,838 likes

Tom realizing that (y/n)’s really the one because they both can’t keep secrets without spoiling them. This is why they don’t have good things smh.

🖤 1,878 likes

Jesy calling the police, not for Tom, but for her because she’s ready to shred that boy’s ass for turning (y/n) into him💀

You and Tom spend the rest of the day stuck in bed going through the different reactions from your fans. They were entertaining, making you and your boyfriend laugh at your fans’ humor.

While you sat in between his legs, your back against his chest, Tom leans down to nuzzle his face into your neck. He breaths in the scent of you mixed with your shampoo, something he would never get tired of. You feel that goofy grin press onto your skin making you look up at him.

“Why’s that look on your face?” You ask hun teasingly.

“Because the fans have a point.”

“That we both can’t keep shit to ourselves?” You laugh. Tom makes a sound of agreement pulling you closer.

“Well yeah—but when they say that we’re meant for each other, they have a point. You really are my soulmate.” The goofy grin on his face was permanently stuck to his lips. You giggled shifting to peck his lips. When he sees you struggle he meets you halfway, finally touching those soft luscious lips of yours.

“I guess I am.” You hummed contently, mirroring that lovestruck look on his face. There was no other person in the world that you’d be willing to spend this moment with. The more you stared into those honey brown eyes of his the more you believed your fans; he truly was your soulmate.

[sopita-de-fideo]

3/17/22

Today is Thursday, March 17, 2022. I am a 23-year-old recently graduated (Fall 2021) college student. My whole life I have lived in the “beautiful” City of Los Angeles. Unfortunately, being in a city where it seems everyone wants to be, I am still living at home with my parents, my pregnant sister, her fiance, and my 3 dogs. Whenever I write about myself, I never really include my relationship status, but I believe that is relevant here since I am in a committed relationship with someone I like to believe is my soulmate. (hypothetically, if we ever break up writing about him is definitely going to be an “ouch!”)

Despite having a Tumblr account at the very young and impressionable age of 12/13-years-old I decided a decade later that I would like to start off on a clean slate and finally take this blog thing seriously. Over the years, I have tried different journaling/documentation mediums (video journals, physical journals, notes app, etc.) but none of them ever really stuck with me. As an Aries, and an attention whore, I do like the idea of having a blog and allowing other people to poke into my mind as well. I would also like to apologize for any grammatical errors that may occur within my writing. This is just the impact of 12 years of public school. 

Okay, now let’s get into the good stuff. Being the youngest girl in a Hispanic household with emotionally absent parents has definitely done some damage. We can talk about an array of topics, such as the struggles of being a first generation college student, the issue with machismo culture, and being called a “nopal” for being Mexican and not knowing Spanish, etc.. All those topics are prominent and we can get into that later, but to me, that is only surface level. You know the iceberg metaphor that everyone uses to poke into the deeper psychological realm of things? We’ll be poking into that. 

Losing 100+ pounds over the course of 2 years during a global pandemic outbreak should make me the perfect subject for a psychological experiment. This is also ironic because I am a Psychology major and to be honest I think psychology majors are probably the most clinically insane because we have to literally think about thinking for the entire time we are in school. Anyway, yeah growing up overweight my whole life and then suddenly losing a massive amount of weight would be a topic that’s below surface level and meets the criteria of poking into the psychological realm. I want to save this topic for a post within itself because there is so much to be said. Think of this first post as not only an introduction but also as a teaser because there is a lot to be anticipated with what I can get into. 

If you are reading this and relate or have any constructive criticism, feel free to give a follow or shoot a message. I want to make this not only a space of my own but a space for others to share their experiences as well. 

[fuckingdeadbutroyal]

Jasonette July-Soulmate AU- Part 6

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 

!Warning! Explicit mentions of death! Read cautiously. 

Meanwhile in the akuma-shelters:

It has been close to a week now. The shelters weren’t properly equipped to supply so many people for such a long amount of time. Luckily it did have enough food and water, with the stocks having just had their yearly refill of canned food and drinkable water coming from the tap. There weren’t enough beds though. The worst thing weren’t the beds though. Ther shelters wanted to lower the risk of specific inanimate objects to function as an akuma.weapon, so the interior designers made sure he shelters kept nothing for entertainment. Lack of entertainment could be destructive to any persons mind, but paired with the ongrowing fear and grieve the citizens had to deal with? It was dangerous.

The people knew how to fill there time though. It was something us humans have always loved to do: Fight for structure and destroy anything in our way to gain control. That’s why some shelters have formed a hierarchy, with either the loudest or the physically strongest standing on top of the food chain. 

One shelter in particular believed the akuma had caused the end of the world, which was mainly because of the alley it was positioned on being isolated by Ladybugs third Lucky Charm. She had used it to try and capture the akuma when he tried to destroy  the shelter he felt personal hatred towards. Hawkmoth knew that it was caused by the now akumatized homeless man being frequently kicked out of it whenever there was no attack. Long story short, now the place was surrounded by large, high pressure fountains of water reaching up into the sky. (Tikki had clearly gotten desperate.) The only way out was either the caved-in tunnel the akuma had suddenly learned how to make, or a yo-yo/ baton/ grappling hook. Of course, none of the citzens had access to those. So they were stuck and afraid, not knowing anything about the outside world, apart from the fact that Ladybug still hasn’t captured the akuma and therefore couldn’t use her cure.

The people in that particular shelter were very diverse. There was an old couple, a few incomplete families who have lost people to the earthquakes, a group of college students, a group of kindergarteners and a few teachers and classes from Collège Françoise Dupont. 

The akuma shelters were opened in the middle of the day. At first they were timed with the akuma-alerts, but over the years the frequency of attacks has risen, which led to the shelters only being opened on Ladybugs and Chat Noirs request. That has become a rarity, since they only asked for it if there was a chance of them not succeeding. Once they were opened though, the citizens knew to follow a strict protocol. Schools for examples evacuated similarly to firedrills, with the slight change of the younger classes using the shelter underneath the school, while the older classes went for the next one in proximity. Usually the akuma-alert app kept them updated on last sightings of the villains whereabouts. Usually that wasn’t a problem, since most of the time the akumas were designed to attract attention and provoke fear. 

The current akuma was making it difficult, though. He was visible, sure, his actions spoke louder than any other akuma ever has. But you never knew where he was, not unless he was preaching his beliefs to one person in particular, who then had to survive so they could warn the other parisians. No, this time it was much more difficult. Ladybug was giving herself the blame for opening the shelters too late. At first the Dirtbag wasn’t destroying the buildings, just rattling them up a bit and keeping the citizens awake. The duo thought they could handle him, were even convinced they could find him in time, using Chats nightvision. I was only when everyone went about their day the next morining when the monster decided to strike. Hurting someone in their workplace so they would try to find shelter in their homes, before getting killed there or being lucky to find a place in the akuma shelters. A devious plan which lead to many deaths. Marinette hated herself for not figuring it out before it was already too late. She could have taken the precaution, listened to her gut feeling telling her to ignore the civilians complaints and just GET THEM TO BE SAFE. It reminded her of people who insisted on not wearing a helmet while riding their bikes. “Nothing bad has happened yet so why the panic? The drivers are going to look out for me.” and then one bad thing happens and it’s suddenly too late. No going back from not having taken the safety precaution while she still could’ve. 

No calling Bunnix or using second chance. You just have to deal with it. 

Dealing with it. That’s something the city will now have to do. Ladybug swore to herself that if.. no when she finishes this battle, she will immediatly take care of mental health programs and the promotion of health care organisations. Everyone will need therapy. It was bad enough to remember having actually died, but now there was more to it. It wasn’t as temporary as it has previously been. It wasn’t a question of one or two people dying for a timespan of about two hours, sometimes even less. No, it was about a third of Paris and a matter of days. 

The heroine was terrified of her magic maybe not being enough. 

She didn’t voice that thought to Tikki, not wanting to insult her abilities. Apart from that the girl knew her Kwami, she knew that if she were to share her fears, the other would shower her with love and support and probably even pity. It mostly wasn’t a bad thing, but Marinette knew she would brake down in tears if she were to let any soft emotions in. She just couldn’t afford to break down, couldn’t afford to give in to her emotions or the pain would ovetake her, numb her and lay her down in an episode that could seperate the parisians from their heroine. No, Marinette couldn’t think of how her decisions led to her parents death, she could not hink of how her decisions led to half her class being killed ~ by their school collapsing onto them the very moment they stepped out of the schoolgates on their way to the shelter. She could not remember Julekas face when she couldn’t free her girlfriend from the rock that was kepping her legs in place. Couldn’t think of how Ladybug went to safe Chat Noir instead of lifting that rock of the tiny blond girl who was bleeding to death in her girlfriend arms. Rose and Juleka did not deserve this.

Oh gods Juleka! She has lost everything to this battle. Mari sincerely hoped she didn’t know about what has happened to her home, didn’t hear or even feel how Luka and her mother drowned in the wreck of their own ship...

Juleka wasn’t there to witness it, she was hiding in a shelter. To be specific, she was hiding in the very one shelter Ladybug has isolated from the rest of Paris. You coul call it the safest one of them all, if it weren’t for the person who was hiding in it. 

They say it’s easier to not cut your hand, if you know where the sharp edges are. Well, this shelters sharp edge was shiny, so how could it be dangerous? 

Lila Rossis’ shiny tears could drown her worst enemy and they would still marbel about that glistening beauty.

They say you shouldn’t pour gasoline in a room you can’t escape, a tiny spark could burn, but breathing it in for too long can kill you. Lilas lies were sprinkling into every direction in a room full of people she didn’t know. Her gasoline could meet a spark and burn... It was day six and for now the only danger for her health were the toxins, the acidity of her lies and attention seeking. It was slowly eating it’s way into the truly hurt, dissolving the hope of the ones who were traumatized. Lila would do anything to reach the top. She had no problem with throwing her friends under the bus, just to feel the temporary relief of the breeze  their fall would bring. 

In this situation getting that breeze meant loads of strategy. Lila was coldhearted, yes. She was a neglected child from a toxic household, yes. She didn’t understand love that didn’t come from lies. But unlike others, she didn’t give up on those toxic lectures her life has taught her. Lila was stoic, which meant she believed in her thesis, not wanting to listen to other opinions. Lila was intelligent, which meant she knew how to make her opinion be the only one that mattered. Lila was scarred, which meant she would try everything she could to keep herself from getting hurt. 

But Lila was also weak, which meant she would hurt others before they could hurt her.

--------------------------------------

“This is nice.”, Mari thought to herself. She felt so incredibly comfortable, not a single limb was hurting from exhaustion, she was warm and safe. Breathing was easy, no pressure was pushing down on her lungs. Upon realising that, she couldn’t help herself but take a very deep breath, which later turned into a heartly yawn. “I haven’t slept this good since...oh shit” Her memories came back in a punch. Her breath hitched and started to pick up on pace. Ah there it was, the constant adrenaline mixed with panic, that was keeping her from getting that oxygen she craved. A grumble suddenly made it’s appearance right next to the girls ear and she shrieked fully awake and scrambled away, only now feeling her body as her own and recognizing the position she was in. That fully woke the man who she has just been sharing a sleeping bag with- a familiar sleeping bag, though she wasn’t about to start to decipher that now. Instead she was staring at the man she had just previously met in her dream. And he was staring back, eyes just as wide as hers. She could practically hear him overthinking while she was just...stuck. Usually it would have been the other way around. Mari would blush, scramble stutter and panic her way into an embarrasing situation. Now though? She could see those emotions in that incredibly imperfectly perfecty looking man in front of her. She could see that tiny scar she wore on her eyebrow gracing his. She was blushing, yes, and she felt the shock sit deep in her heart, emotions overrunning her at a pace she didn’t think were possible. That meant a lot, since Marinette was all too familiar with anxiety and sensory overload. But she didn’t freak out. Instead she felt just felt the uncontrolable urge to comfort him, to make his heart stop panicking and instead feel the safety he had given her. Not even secondguessing herself she just lunged into his arms, hugging the man so closely he would never forget that very moment. Jason was still for just a millisecond before he put his arms around her in a just as energetic hug. It was like finally seeing your little sibling after not having seen them for a month. You see how much they have grown, are overflowing with all the emotions, good and bad, you have felt because of them. Suddenly, though, you are loving every one of them. It was like meeting your best friend after they have just told you they were getting into that school they always wanted to or seeing them safe after something horrible had happened in their area. It was pure appreciation, adoration, love. The meeting of soulmates.

It’s not like they haven’t interacted before, after all. They were THERE whenever something bad had happened to the other. They had felt the other grow up, learned what the other has internalized and thought of each other every. single. day, for years. To Marinette it has been her whole life and even though Jason was two years older than her, he has couldn’t remeber a single day passing without her in his mind. 

“Mornin’”, he spoke up first, though his voice wasn’t more than a whisper. 

“Nice to meet you too”, she whispered back, a smile clear in her voice. 

Hearing her voice he couldn’t help but hug her closer, but upon feeling the pain in her ribs he winced and pulled back. She was confused by the sudden movement for just as second, before realising and shaking her head with a laugh. 

“It’s okay don’t worry, I kind of got used to it, living with you and everything...”

While Marinettes heart was swelling up with warmth from the knowledge that this man did really care about her, his was cramping from the proper realization of just how much suffering he must’ve put her through. He saw her throat covered in all those tiny white lines, the fresh blue bruises on her arms. The pain he felt was the same she did. She did not deserve to suffer so much, not at all. Marinette saw him trembling and took his hands. This was very unlike her, not overthinking, being so bold while in civilian form. She enjoyed it. Even more so, she was happy to be able to act this way, since it was clearly necessary for the situation. Jason on the other hand felt like he was crying, letting out a breath he has been holding for too long, finally breathing in after a long dive. He felt so so damn relieved. Her hands in his where so reassuring, so forgiving and apologetic. 

“I am so sorry”, he mumbled, meaning every bit of it.

“Don’t be, those are mine.”, she smiled. Mari knew what he meant and accepted his apology. He didn’t just mean the scars that were currently gracing her skin. He meant the tiny one on her eyebrow, the several broken bones, the bullet wounds that were gracing her thighs and shoulders, the thick scars left by blades and explosions. He meant the pain. And she understood him. His soulmate wasn’t mad at him. Marinette lifted their intertwined hands to eyelevel, the touch so foreign but so familiar. Her rough fingertips touched his, the cuts she has never learned how to avoid while having her late night sewing sessions having healed again. Jason smiled slightly, remembereing just how annoyed he was to wake up to fresh cuts almost every morning. “I always paid you back, after all.” A grin was now gracing her face, a devious glistening lighting up her already vibrant, aquamarine irises.

Jason let one hand go and subconciously rubbed his upper arm, the one they always beat to get back on each other. Marinette giggled again, now being ready to take in more of her surroundings than just that whole world of a person in front of her. It was cold, dark and smelled vaguely of home. Not a good combination at all, especially considering the latest events.

The latest events... Where was she? Why was it so quiet? And why the fuck was she sitting on her fathers sleeping bag?

“Oh no you didn’t.”, her voice was flat. She remembered Chat having been by her side when she collapsed. He must’ve brought them there. The girl turned her head in every direction, looking for him without success.

“Did Chat bring us here? Has he slept? Has he seen me in my civilan form? Tikki where are you?”, her voice was rising in volume, demand and worry more audible than it had been in a long time. The tiny godess flew out of her hiding spot, face contorted in uncertainty. Before she could answer, Jason chimed up: “Yes, he is okay and promised this place to be safe. He did see you and left shortly after. He wasn’t looking like he was about to do something reckless, just said he’d get back to work, so I let him go.” His reaction was kind of weird, to be honest, but Jason hasn’t thought much of it back then. Now he was quite certain that Chat wasn’t supposed to see Ladybug untransformed. The civilian looking girl just nodded and stood up, her mind obviously racing and her eyes flicking through the room. “I really want to leave this place. Are you ready to go?” 

Tikki looked worried and kind of guilty and Jason did’t yet know why, but they had time for that later. They quickly did what they needed to do, which meant restocking on cookies and drinking a lot of water for Marinette and contacting the team for Jason. The soulmates updated each other on the battle while on speaker with the bats. Loads of uncertainties were answered and ideas on how they could proceed were exchanged. Towards the end of it, when the heroes and vigilantes just agreed to meet up at the Louvre and go further from there, Jason suddenly laughed and over to his soulmate. “I just noticed, we haven’t properly introduced ourselfes.”, he held out his hand, a lopsided grin gracing his features, “Name’s Jason Todd, the scariest Red Hood with guns Gotham has to offer”. Marinette laughed, clasping his hand in a firm grasp. “Marinette Dupain-Cheng, also known as MDC and anonymously flying over the city in a skintight suit calling myself an insect.” They shook hands, eyes glistening with humour, both freaked out about the absurdity of that situation. “I’d say I’d wish we’d met under different circumstances, but I gotta admit this-”, the man lifted his other arm, which was currently holding one of his guns, “-is pretty damn epic.”

"It's getting even more epic from here.", she smiled, speaking as if she knew more than she told him. "I have an idea. We need to get an important box from my room. I know It's safe but I haven't moved the debris to retrieve it, yet. Kind of couldn't handle my emotions enough to come here sooner...", realization hit him like a brick. "This is your home? So are those people...this place.. oh Mari I'm such an idiot."

"No, Chat is the idiot. He has been flirting with me in both my forms for literal years and has never once voiced any suspicion on us being the same.” 

“Wait what? He flir-” 

“And now he just takes me to the place we dear but turned out to need most! Maybe he has figured it out and knew I would keep my box here...”, Marinette started rambling and Jason couldn’t help but smile inspite of his irritation. He didn’t understand everything she was saying but she looked so much better than she did on the videos Tim has send to the group. No more exhaustion, way less pain and just such determined hope was seeping out of her every pore. Jason enjoyed her presence, her voice and her words, even though he didn’t understand most of the connections. She was just to lively and cute to stop her. Sadly that vanished pretty quickly. 

Not only has Marinette realised that she has been talking non stop to a man she had just properly met for the first time, but she was already talking about things only she and Chat knew. It was weird, as if he must’ve known them. He was there after all. By her side, in her body, all the time.

They made their way towards her room, passing by a dusty kitchen and a door that probaly lead to some kind of foyer. There was what resembled a living room to their left, but it’s ceiling had collapsed and everything was covered in dust an debris, so it was hard to tell. Luckily Marinette decided to transform before making her way through it, which lead to Jason taking the lead and already going towards the destroyed staircase she pointed out to him. He had turned his back to Mari, not knowing what the transformation consisted of and not wanting to invade her privacy. He saw the walls around him light up pink for a second, but his attention was elsewhere. The closer to the staircase he went, the more rotten it smelled. There was an already dry trail of brownish blood coming from above which lead to...

Jason was happy he was the first one to notice them. He has seen many dead bodies before, has been the reason for some himself. Seeing those people was disturbing though. They were saved as soulmate-knowledge in some deep part of his brain. The fear of her reaction to seeing them was even worse. That’s why when he heard Ladybug approach him he quickly turned around and took her hands and so she would face him instead of the staircase, before she’d gotten the chance to see them.

Marinette, or currently Ladybug, let out a startled “huh” and looked at him questioningly. He only now noticed the slight redness in her eyes and the irritation in her gaze. She was holding back tears and he hadn’t even noticed. What kind of a soulmate does that? “Will you be okay?”, he asked, holding her hand so gently she could pull away without any resistance. It was clear this gesture was meant completly for her and she appreciated it wholeheartedly. It felt so much better, safer than with Chat. She loved her partner and of course she trusted him not only with her life, but also to back off whenever she asked him to. That wasn’t everything that mattered though and Mari was sad she’d only just realised why she was truly comfortable around him. 

Adrien was very touch starved, has been ever since his mother died. So he subconciously tried to prolong every touch he received. No matter if it was when she was handling him something or walking beside him, he was always touching her, constantly trying to hold on, keep her there just a little longer. It wasn’t just clingyness, it was as if he’d zip himself onto her whenever he could. She didn’t blame him for it and often didn’t even mind his affection. As mentioned, he always immediatly backed off whenever she asked him to. Once he even managed to spent a fight protecting her without any physical contact whatsoever. It was much more dificult that way, but she had winced when he jokingly kissed her hand before the fight and he has taken that as a sign to back off. He only allowed himself to come closer again when she’d explicitly allowed him to do so, not wanting to watch him walk around with drooping ears. Still, she rarely enjoyed the contact and almost never initiated it. Not because she didn’t like him, she just didn’t want to get his or her hopes up. Now, looking at her soulmate, she was happy she hasn’t tried anything with Chat. It would’ve only made everything much more complicated than it already was. Of course she could have had a platonic soulmate-relationship with Jason, but considering his looks and his charm Marinette would have considered it a shame not to appreciate who the universe had paired her with. 

“I’ll manage.”, she answered, though her voice was unpleasantly close to breaking. “I’ve got my coping mechanisms, more talking less thinking, though I’m sorry if I annoy you with it I should probably find a new wa-”

Before she could dive into another ramble Jason just shook his head, glancing over her shoulder. She realy should not see them, no coping mechanism is going to delete that image once it’s there. “I’m okay with that, don’t worry”, he tried to smile but gave up when it came out pained. This was not the moment for smiles. Not while he was facing his dead future in-laws. 

“But may I suggest a new coping mechanism?”, he bowed to the girl in front of him, who just tilted her head in curiosity. “What do you suggest, Monsieur?” Once she accepted the invitation he gently pulled her closer, taking his red heltmet that has been previously dangling on his belt, and carefully placed it on her head. She giggled, the helmet was too big on her and she looked incredibly cute. “I think you put it on backwards, I can’t see.”, she stated with a teasing smile in her voice. “Oh I’m sorry dearie, guess I’ll have to help you get up those stairs then”, upon saying that he picked her up and, when he sensed no discomfort from her side, proceeded to carefully climb past the two dead bodies on the staircase. Once they safely arrived in the room above and Jason was sure the Dupain-Chengs were no longer visible, he let her down and turned the helmet into the correct position. ”Feel safer like that?” “Tikkis magic protects me from any possible injuries. But I still like it very much, your air conditioner in this thing is incredible” She turned to him with a smile. “I’ll feel much safer with you wearing it, though.”

Mari took off the helmet and stood on her tip-toes, reaching up to place the red fashion-disaster on his head. “Once we’re done with that Dirtbag I’ll design you a new one. You don’t just look scary, this thing is embarassing me on your behalf.”

“Hey! I designed it myself! But I’ll gladly take you up on that anyways. Tim has only praised you handiwork so far and his face upon seeing me wear an MDC original instead of him is going to be priceless.”

Jasons ear suddenly rung with Tims strained voice asking about MDC and what the fuck he had missed. Jason ignored him, though on the inside he was yodeling with laughter about having gotten Tims favourite designer as his soulmate. 

----------------------------------

Adrien was furious with himself. How could he have brought Marinette to the very home she would have wanted to avoid the most? How did he not notice the intensity of her grieve after her parents death? “I’m such an idiot!”, his scream echoed through the void that once was Paris. He was running towards yet another mansion, the one near the Pont des Arts, and audibly talking to Plagg. For an outsider it would’ve looked like he was talking to himself, or even worse: his suit. Technically he was doing just that, since Plagg had no way of reacting to his words while in this form and Adrien was not ashamed to admit that he liked it much better that way. No moans and dumb jokes while he was talking about important stuff. (He liked the jokes though, Plaggs sense of humour was Purr-ecious, even though admittedly Adrien was the only one to think that.)

“You think so? I think you still being alive is pretty not-idiot like.”, that voice made Adrien stop dead in his tracks, leading to the one who had suddenly appeared running beside him toppling over. Chat took fighting stance, waryily following the person with his eyes. “How the fuck did I not notice you sooner?!” The bright yellow figure, which the cat recognized as the Signal stood up and lifted his hands as if to show they were unarmed, only he was indeed very much armed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m with Batman, so please don’t attack.” Adrien mentally cursed, knowing that the lack of noticing someone as noticeable as the Signal was Plaggs form of revenge on Adriens rambling. “You little shit”, he whispered to the Kwami, who of course did not respond.

“Excuse me?”, Duke was staring at him in slight irritation. “Oh no I’m sorry I was talking to my...suit. It’s a long story. Anyways! It’s nice to meet you Signal! I’m a big fan.”, a smile spread out on the cat, his overall appearance only intensifying the cheshire grin that followed, “My name’s Noir, Chat Noir. I have to say, you look purrfectly nothissable, your suit is pawsomely doing kitts job.”

“Are you a furry?”

“What? NO!”

“I mean there’s nothing wrong with it if you are it’s just the way you speak-”

“I’m not, but thanks for the reassurance, I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome.”

The look Signal was giving him was...hard to describe. Adrien was blushing, hard. Of course he would fail at flirting with one of his favourite vigilantes. OF COURSE the Signal would think Adrien was a furry. Marinette had warned him, why wouldn’t he listen?! An awkward silence kept the two boys in place, each looking at the other in uncertainty. Finally Duke decided to break the silence. “So... anyways... let’s get going, I’ll introduce you to the others. We also have some gadgets you and Ladybug could find useful.”

“That’s great, thanks.”

“Just so you know, I’m not judging you-”

“Thanks.”

“- but whenever you’re ready...”

“What do you mea-”

“As Anna from frozen has said: Love is an open door.”

“I get it. Please stop.”

“Sorry.”

With that, the black and yellow pair made it’s way towards the Louvre, with at least something else but the end of the world on their mind.

-----------------------

“How can you be so ignorant? Don’t you know how much Jagged Stones’ son meant to her? You of all people must understand how bad it is to have a loved one die!”

“Alya please, Juleka is still coping, she didn’t mean it that way...”, a crocodile-teared Lila told her servant, though she wasn’t really trying to stop her. Just a few minutes ago they were all discussing the distribution of rations, since the fight has been going on for even longer than they had formerly estimated, which meant a rapidly ending amount of food as well as rapidly growing panic. 

Lila chose that very moment, when everyone sat down, to start audibly weeping. How could she not use such a perfect audience, after all? 

“I’m so sorry I just.... I was trying to keep it together for so long now but then it got so quiet and it all just...”, she wiped her perfectly dry nose on her sleeve,”my boyfriend... Luce, Jagged Stones son you must’ve heard of him...well he died in the first night and I have only just properly processed it...” 

Upon hearing this, a murmur went through the audience. Over 80% of the present people have lost someone to the akuma. Everyone was coping differently, that’s okay. Juleka for example has spent most of her stay either silently sitting or very quietly humming to herself. Whenever someone pulled her back into reality though, her thoughts caught up with her and lead to full blown panic attacks which left her shivering, crying and throwing up in one of the limited toilets the shelter had to offer or outside the doors, which really didn’t help her condition, apart from maybe the higher oxygen rate the street had to offer. 

During the planned meeting, Julleka proceeded to just stay in her corner and humm her melodies, until the words “Jagged Stones’ son” had pulled her out of her trance. Instead of panicking, Lilas claim led to a kind of rage growing inside Julekas chest she hasn’t felt for a long time. 

“Jagged Stones’ son? Are you fucking serious?”, her voice wasn’t loud. Juleka rarely raised her voice. She didn’t need to, it was powerful enough if she wanted it to be. It filled the previously murmuring room with the kind of thunder that left a void behind. Some were holding their breath and for once it wasn’t because they were afraid to provoce the italian girls tears. Not only hasn’t Juleka spoken since her parting from Rose, no, her voice also held the energy of murder, her words intentions promised blood.

The ones who knew her were even more afraid, some held tears n their eyes. Juleka and Rose had a very rare kind of bond. They didn’t have the same abilities or a dependance on each other. Instead their bond was complementary. Where Juleka was darkness, Rose was light. Where Rose was naiv, Juleka was vary. Where Juleka was forgiving, Rose was loud. Where Rose had a voice that could carry for miles, even if she didn’t raise it, Juleka had hearing that could decipher even the quietest sounds. 

It isn’t unusual for a soulmate to carry one of the other ones traits in case of seperation. Some liked the reminder, it made them feel connected to the person they love, even if they were dead. Some couldn’t handle it, not being ready to let go. 

Juleka was somewhere in between when she heard her voice suddenly sound like Rose. She now had both of their complementary powers, she should feel complete, like a full human being. Juleka was happy to hear her loved ones voice again, but she did not in the slightest feel complete. She felt torn. She couldn’t hear her soulmates heart beat anymore. She couldn’t stop thinking of the moment she heard it stop. It stopping was the loudest sound she has ever heard.

Now she had her lovers voice by her side, supporting her in what she was going to say next.

“You are not dating him, shut the fuck up and get your priorities straight.”

That's the very moment all hell broke loose. Of course there were the ones who were smart enough to at least notice that arguing with the musician was dangerous and simply uncalled for, but there were also the already brainwashed ones who believed they had to protect the privileged who just felt like exploiting a situation for fun. Those believers were a few newbies Lila has recruited during her stay in the shelter and most of her classmates. Only Ivan, Nathaniel and Ondine joined Julekas side. The rest was either dead or has succumbed to the overwhelming pressure of the situation.

Alya was in protective mode, but for whatever reason she was protecting the offender.

That brings us back to the very moment:

“How can you be so ignorant? Don’t you know how much Jagged Stones’ son meant to her? You of all people must understand how bad it is to have a loved one die!”

"Yes I do.", Juleka voice rose slightly. The louder she got the more she sounded like herself, so she kept it quieter. Rose had to have a say in this too. "And so does up to everyone else here. But I also know that my brother has been alive that morning and I know that he would never even think of dating you, Lila."

She rose from her seating position, not caring for how her knees were about to buckle due to not taking care of herself for the last few days. The dust in her hair and the dark marks on her clothes made all those who saw her feel the dire of the situation. All but Lila. Lila wasn’t used to loosing and since she has never perceived the “quiet emo” as a threat before, she didn’t give her words any value. A lethal mistake.

“Oh really? What, are you saying your mother, that old lady who thinks she’s a pirate, had a child with Jagged Stone? Bless her soul I know it must be difficult to live with her..I’m so sorry if I sound mean I don’t mean it like that..you can come to me whenever you need me. I’m your friend and you’re right, your grieve is more important than mine, especially with a mother who brainwashed you like that....”

“Do not dare insult my mother. Don’t you dare pretend to know me. Don’t you dare twist my words. Who are you grieving, anyways? Isn’t you mother in Canada, helping the homeless? Or no wait, that was your long lost twin sister who has only just recently invited you to her wedding next month? And wasn’t Adrien your secret boyfriend? How did you bring Luka..no I mean Luce into this?”

“I...I understand you are hurt Jules”, the tall girl winced at the nickname her brother gave her coming out of that demons mouth, “but please don’t drag Adrien into this, wasn’t he always nice to you? Guys please don’t tell on her to Adrien, he would be terribly hurt....he has such a difficult life already...”, she hid her face in her hands. The ones who believed her thought it was to hide her tears, but in reality she was panicking. Juleka had a much better memory than she has expected.

“Stop attacking the girl like that, come here Miss Rossi, she won’t get past me.”, a male voice spoke up. It was principle Damocles, a man who feared the position Lila claimed to have. “You shouldn’t be letting your rage out on the innocent. We understand that your loss must’ve been tragic, but Miss Rossis loss isn’t about you. Let the girl grieve in peace or leave her alone.”

Juleka stopped shaking. Instead she just stood there, fire flaming in her eyes and a scary eeriness in her stance. “I’m leaving then.”, Roses voice proclaimed and the figure moved. No one tried to stop her as she went straight for the exit, climbed over the debris and turned around to look at them for one last time. Lila was about to say something, fake tears already ready to flow, but Juleka just flipped her off and shut the heavy metall door.

Oh how good it felt to breathe.

To scream.

Ladybug heard her scream and she had just the right Miraculous to help her let that anger out.

----------

Hi!

So this took really fucking long! But the next one is almost finished so there will be another grand update soon. I was writing several scenes at once and then took way too long to finish each one and properly connect them BUT I now have loads of action and banter and relationship and characatergrowth and all that funky fluff we love ^^

I’m sorry if I’ve kept you waiting, and I’m slightly sorry for the medium-cliffhanger...

IMPORTANT thank you all so much for your feedback! I love you so much and I’m sorry I haven’t answered most of you even though you absolutly deserve any bit of attention there is. Please just know that whenever I write these “thank you speeches”: I mean you. You are amazing and I hope you are feeling well <3

My tag list has grown! If you want to be added to this pretty ensemble down there, just message me in any way and I’ll be happy to add you!

Tag list \o/:

@maribat-is-lifeblood @lokilex @amayakans @readingismyoxygen @zalladane @sunspritethedestroyer @toodaloo-kangaroo @purplesundaze @yeet-this-bitch @ratherbereading125 @snap-crackle-pop-goes-my-joints @slytherin-batbitch @melicmusicmagic @laurcad123 @violatiger8 @thatonecroc 

Thanks for reading ^^

--------------

[falcqns]

an apostles redemption

Pairing: August Walker x OFC (Grace Walker)

Warnings: fluff, swearing, family angst, mention of nuclear weapons and firearms, facial injury, mention of anxiety disorder and anxiety attacks, implied smut 

A/N: hope you enjoy!

chapter one | chapter two | chapter three |

Ragged Night 

When Grace awoke the next morning, August was not laying next to her, as she had hoped. When she sat up, shed noticed Kal wasn't in his bed either. She put on some socks, and headed down the stairs to find her husband and dog.

He wasn't in the kitchen or living room,  but the door to the basement was open, and Grace immediately knew where he was. He was in the gym.

She ventured down the stairs, and into the large home gym. August was wearing a grey muscle tank and red gym shorts, with his Adidas running shoes on his feet. He had his red boxing gloves that were monogrammed with the words 'The Hammer', a Christmas gift from Erica Sloane. He was aggressively punching the punching bag hanging from the ceiling, his AirPods blaring some type of heavy metal.

Kal was laid by the mirrors opposite August, watching his dad take out his energy on the bag. Kal's ears perked up when Grace walked into the room, and stood up to go and get pets from his mom, which alerted August that he wasn't alone anymore.

He turned his head and smiled when he noticed Grace. He took out his AirPods and placed them back in the charging case, before walking over to give his wife a kiss.

"Good morning, love," Grace said, as she wrapped her arms around her husbands sweaty midriff.  

"Good morning," August responded, as he took off his punching gloves.

"I'm going to make breakfast, so why don't you go and shower and we'll eat together?" Grace offered. August smiled. It had been weeks since he had had his wonderful wife amazing cooking.

"Sounds good to me, angel." He pressed another kiss to his wife's lips, before Grace led Kal upstairs with the promise of food. August cleaned up the gym from his morning workout, and headed up to their shared bathroom. He had wished Grace would join him, but he knew she didn't trust him enough for that amount of affection. August understood, and was going to do anything to earn that trust back.

He had a quick shower, and put on a t shirt that had Geralt of Rivia on it, from his favourite video game, The Witcher. He also pulled on a pair of grey sweatpants, and made his way down stairs, following the smell of bacon.

He walked into the kitchen but stopped in the doorway. Grace was stood at the stove, tending to their food. Harry Styles was playing from her phone, the sounds of 'She' echoing through their large kitchen. Two plates were sitting on the island, and there was a stack of books sitting on the same stool where he sat last night while Grace stitched him up. He walked over, and picked up the books, looking through them.

'What We Owe To Each Other , T.M. Scanlon,

A Treatise Of Human Nature, David Hume,

Groundwork in the Metaphysics of Morals, Immanuel Kant,

No Exit, Jean Paul Satre,

Fear and Trembling, Soren Kierkegaard,

Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle.'

Ethics books. He knew these books were in the house, as he gave them to Grace for her birthday. She loved The Good Place, and wanted to know more about ethics, so August bought her all the books mentioned in the show, and she had read them all. He knew he would have to read ethics books when he came home, but he didn't expect it to start so soon.

Before he could think about anything else, Grace turned around, and emptied eggs on both of their plates, and smiled at him.

"You look much better," She said, as she turned back to the stove to grab the pan with the bacon.

"I feel better, other than I'm hungry, and my face stings a little still." He said.

Grace placed the bacon on their plates, and walked over to the medicine cabinet. She grabbed the creme she had put on his face last night, and handed it to him.

"My hands are dirty from food, so just put this over the whole scar tissue area. It'll help it heal and help with the pain." He nodded, and did as he was told.

A few minutes later, his face didn't sting anymore, only a cooling sensation, which felt amazing.

They were sat at the breakfast booth, with Kal laying underneath, on their feet.

"August, I have to tell you something," Grace said nervously.

"What is it?" August replied, slightly afraid of her response.

"Sloane is coming over today, with Hunt and his team."

He immediately dropped his fork. "What? Why?"

Grace immediately recognized he was starting to panic, and she reached over and grabbed his hand.

"I'm doing it to help you. I'm going to sit them down, and I'm going to explain to them that you want to redeem yourself and that you will do anything to win back their trust."

August stood up to pace, which scared Kal, who nuzzled his head into Grace's lap.

"What if they shoot me?" He asked.

"You know that I don't allow weapons in the house, other than our shot gun. They are aware of that rule too, and will not be bringing any weapons. It's going to be fine, Auggie."

August felt his anger bubbling up. "How can you be so sure Grace? How?"

Grace stood up, got in his space, and wrapped her arms around his waist. She decided to ignore the face that he called her by her actual name. "Because, you're going to go into the basement and stay there. I am going to tell them that you are alive and willing to do anything to earn back their trust. I will tell them that they are allowed to be mad at him, but to at least allow you to try and prove yourself. I know that Ethan is going to be the first one to trust you. You need to be his friend."

August rolled his eyes, sighed, and then placed his bandaged forehead on to hers. "Okay," He agreed. "When do they get here?" He asked as he pressed a kiss to her cheeks, which make Grace blush.

Grace glanced down at her Fitbit. "It's only 8:30, they're not coming until noon, so we have a few hours. During that time I want you to start reading," She said, unraveled herself from August, and walked over to where the books laid.

"We'll start off with Scanlon. You don't have to read this whole thing today, but I want  you to read as much as you can while I go and get groceries." She said, handed him 'What We Owe To Each Other', and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before she headed to the door to the backyard to let Kal out for a pee.

He nodded at her and took the book into the living room to begin to read, clearly not hungry anymore.

'We all believe that some actions are morally wrong. But when we claim that an action is wrong, what kind of judgement are we making? Judgements about right and wrong cannot be straightforwardly understood as factual claims about the empirical world or about our own psychology. Yet they do seem to make claims about some subject matter, claims which are capable of being true or false. Moreover...'

'God this is going to be a long few hours,' August thought to himself, as he began to read.

Grace finished eating, peeked into the living room where she saw her husband reading the book, and she smiled to herself. She grabbed her keys, and left the house. She made sure to lock the door behind her, so no one who wasn't invited could get in.

She religiously checked her security app on her phone to ensure Augusts safety, and to her surprise, he continued to read the book. She knew he didn't want to read moral philosophy and ethics books, but she also knew that he realized he had to if he had a chance to gain back not only her trust, but his country's as well.

She grabbed all the essential groceries she would need, as well as a few treats for August. She decided to reward him for his good behaviour, much like a child, but she knew that would work.

August did not have a good childhood. He was an only child, but his parents barely paid attention to him. His dad also worked in the CIA, and was killed when August was 8, just a day before his 9th birthday. His mother became distant and cold almost instantly, and told her little 8 year old that 'she had nothing, and no one left,' after her husband died. August tried to please her the best he could, but nothing he ever did was good enough for her. On his 18th birthday, he had had enough. He told her that he didn't appreciate that she was not a good mother to him. That nothing he ever did was good enough. That he always had to do hard physical labour, and wasn't able to enjoy his teenage years. His mother, on that same day, told him that she wished he had died instead of his father, as she could replace him, but not her husband.

August didn't  forgive her for many years, and he still fully hadn't. He talked to her on her birthday, and only to wish her a happy birthday. The only time she was proud of him was when he joined the CIA. He had joined to figure out who killed his father, and subjected him to so many years of abuse and neglect.

Once he found out his father had gone rogue and was killed by the IMF, he became angry, and shut himself off from everyone in his life. He became what the world see's today. The Hammer. The guy who gunned down every single Syndicate agent he came across. The man who almost wiped out India, Pakistan and China, with two nuclear bombs.

Sometimes Grace couldn't believe how different their lives were before they met. Grace grew up in a loving and nurturing household. Grace was the youngest of four, her older sisters Melissa and Julia, and her big brother Rick. Melissa had moved out before she was born, but Julia and Rick were still in school, and both living at home. The only trauma that she had experienced in her life was when Julia was kidnapped, and she moved in with her sister Melissa so her mom could focus on finding Julia, and she was only 6 years old. Her sister was found soon after and everything went back to normal.

She had noticed August had severe childhood trauma just 5 weeks into dating. It was the first time she had spent the full night with him, and he woke up in a cold sweat, and screaming. He was inconsolable for multiple minutes, and only when Grace got him water and rubbed his back, did he calm down. He told her a little bit about it, but only his fathers side, not about his mothers abuse. His mothers abuse came out when they were planning their wedding, and Grace kept bugging him to invite his mother.

'"She's your mother August! She has a right to come and see her son get married!'"

"That doesn't change the fact that her and I don't get along, and I don't want her ruining our day."

"Why? Why don't you get along? She's your mother, she loves you."

"NO SHE FUCKING DOESN'T! I HAVE NEVER, IN MY ENTIRE TIME OF BEING ALIVE, HEARD HER TELL ME SHE LOVES ME! THE LAST CLOSE TO 'I LOVE YOU' WAS 'IM GLAD YOU JOINED THE CIA TO MAKE YOUR FATHERS MEMORY PROUD'! SHE NEVER WANTED ME, BUT WAS FUCKING STUCK WITH ME AND SHE MADE SURE I KNEW THAT!"

Grace immediately stood up and enveloped him in her arms. She felt his head hit her shoulder, and his sobs began to spill out.

"It's okay my lovely. I love you. I'm sorry you went through that, but the beauty of being an adult is you can make your own family. It's going to be okay."'

He had never expressed himself like that before, and Grace knew that marrying him would have its challenges, and the challenge she was currently facing was the biggest of them all.

She wrapped up at the store, and headed home. While she drove, she attempted to figure out how she was going to explain to Sloane and the IMF that August deserved a second chance, when she didn't fully trust him again yet. Although, he had begun to prove himself worthy of her help, even in less than 24 hours.

Just before pulling into the driveway, she remembered she needed to check the mail. She drove to the mail box, and checked their slot. There were a few bills, other junk mail, a package from Amazon for Grace, and package from Julia, which was also for Grace.

Her and Julia had stopped talking after she got engaged to August, who Julia didn't trust. Every once in a while, though, she would get letters and packages from Julia on holidays, and sometimes it would be something to give to Ethan. She put the mail in the passenger seat of her car, and headed back to the house.

She arrived home, and August took a break from reading to help her with putting away the groceries. She managed to hide his treats from him, and locking them up in a a secret compartment she had installed in the pantry while he was in Kashmir. She felt that if he knew she bought those for him, he wouldn't earn it.

She gave August a hug and kiss, told him she was proud of him, and went to her office to work on a binder to help Auggie, the package from Julia in tow.

She made a book tracker, and even made assignments based on the books he'd be reading, and what he'd be learning. She would add more when and if Sloane told him what he needed to do. He had a long few months, or possibly years ahead of him, and he would need all the structure, support and love he could get. She thought about reaching out to his mother to let her know that her son was not dead, but decided to wait and ask August, although she knew what his answer will be.

Her gaze drifted to the package, and decided to open it. She ripped the tape off, and the folds popped open. On top was a letter, labeled with Grace's name. She opened the letter and read the contents.

'My angel Gracie,

I heard about August, and I'm sorry. I know I never trusted him, but that's not why I'm writing.

I've been in your place. Maybe not exactly, but I've lost a husband too. It sucks. I can't imagine the pain and heart break you are feeling right now, and I wish I could be there with you.

I was in Kashmir at the time, and he looked very determined. I know that's not what you want to hear, honey, but I thought it was important to tell you. He also gave me a letter to give to you, which I've included. I don't know what it says, I didn't read it. I want you to know I'm back in the States, at Mom's house. If you want to visit, or if you want us to come to you, we can. Just let Mom know, okay?

I love you sweet girl,

Julia'

Grace felt tears fall onto her cheeks. She didn't know what to think. Finding out her sister knew what August was planning should have made her angry, but it made her sad. She placed the letter down on the desk, and picked up the other letter, which was labeled 'Baby girl" which was August's name for her.

She opened it, and began to read.

'My sweet angel.

I love you, baby. I'm so sorry for what I'm doing, and I know it means I may never see you again, especially after you find out I did it. I don't want you living in a world that is this cruel. You have so much of your life ahead of you, and you deserve the best.

I won't be coming home. You will get everything. The house is paid off, the cars are paid off and there is several million dollars in our bank account, provided to me by the Syndicate and Lane.

They will not hurt you. They will not touch you. Sloane and I had an agreement that if I was to be disavowed or killed, you would be protected no matter what. Both you and I know that if anything were to happen, Ethan will do anything to make sure you stay safe.

I never wanted to hurt you, and I know I promised not to, but I have to do this. I love you with my whole heart. I wish I could have given you a family like you wanted, but I couldn't bring a child into such a world.

You will never forgive me, but let me tell you this.

Julia is here, and I will make sure she is safe. I will try to get her to come with me, but there's no promises. I understand she could never trust me, and never will. I never wanted to hurt you or your family. I'm so sorry my love.

I hope you have an amazing life, and find someone who can love you like I couldn't, and gives you what I couldn't. I love you with all I am baby, and you'll be the best mama ever, when your time comes. Give Kal all the treats for me, and tell him that his Daddy loved him.

Auggie.'

Grace had tears pouring down her face now. All he was trying to do was protect her, but he was doing it in the wrong way. She wished he could see the good in himself, but he just wasn't there yet. He would be one day though.

There was also a picture of Julia and her on the day she was born. On the back, in Julia's handwriting, said:

' You and me on the day you were born. You were so innocent. I prayed you would stay that way. The moment I held you I told myself I would never let anything harm you. You're so special to me, and I love you angel. You're my favourite sibling, but don't tell Rick, he doesn't know ;)'

Grace giggled, and placed the picture on Julia's letter. It was pretty obvious to everyone that being the youngest, Grace was the favourite to all her siblings.

Julia had also included some other pictures throughout her life, like Julia's grad from med school, Grace's high school graduation, and their trips to Disney that they took. Julia had included some Kashmirian snacks and a bracelet that was hand stitch-monogrammed with her name. She smiled at everything she had been given by her big sister. She didn't talk to her, so she treasured everything Julia gave her.

There was another letter. Grace opened it to find similar bracelets with Ethan and Ilsa's name on them, as well as a Virginia post card. On the back of the post card read:

' Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.'

Grace put that envelope to the side, knowing it was meant for Ethan and Ilsa.

Her phone buzzed beside her to let her know that Sloane, Ethan, Ilsa, Benji, and Luther would be arriving soon, and Auggie needed to get to the basement.

She rushed down the stairs, and headed straight to the living room.

"They're gonna be here soon, come with me, bring the book." She said. She grabbed the gun off of the coffee table where she had dropped it the night before, and she headed to the basement, with August tagging along behind her.

They went to the basement, and headed through the gym, to a false door, which led to their emergency bunker. August had this installed incase of a threat of a terrorist attack. Being they lived in Washington, they knew a large enough terrorist attack could and would put them at risk as well.

He sat down, and took the gun from her hands.

"I will open the door when it is time for you to come up. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR UNTIL I SAY SO. Okay?" She said, her voice shaking with nerves. August noticed this, and put the book down.

He stood up and wrapped his arms around her body, and rested his head on hers.

"It's going to be okay, baby, alright? I'll be fine, you'll be fine, and if it all goes to shit I can get us out. You know that." He felt her nod, and he pressed a kiss to her lips, before she pulled away from him.

"I love you," She said.

"I love you too." He whispered, and watched her walk out of the bunker. He returned to his seat, and continued reading. He actually managed to admit to himself that he was liking Scanlon's book.

Upstairs, Sloane and the IMF team had just arrived and were sitting in her kitchen.

"Why are we here?" Hunt asked.

Grace took a deep breath and began.

"Before I begin, I need all of you to promise you will listen and not act without thinking about what I am going to propose greatly."

They all nodded in agreement.

She took another deep breath. "Okay. August is alive." All of their eyes widened, and Ilsa gasped but no one said anything.

"He is alive, and safe, and him and I would like to know if there's anything he can do to earn all of your guys's trust back. He is willing to do anything."

Everyone looked as Sloane, as her opinion was most important.

Sloane got very serious. "Yes there is. We do have a protocol to follow for rogue agents wanting to gain trust back again, but they have to request it in person, with proof that they are truly serious about it. Where is he currently?" She asked calmly.

"He is here." Grace said. "He came home last night. I would have called you but he had a large burn on his face, and a badly stitched forehead wound so I was more preoccupied with making sure he got fixed up."

Everyone nodded. They may not like or trust August, but as agents, they understood how important physical health was.

"Understandable. Bring him in, and we'll discuss it." Sloane said, and gave Grace a comforting smile, which let Grace know she wasn't going to pull any stunts.

Grace rushed down and got August, and headed back up. Grace saw Ethan's eyes darken in anger almost immediately upon August entering the kitchen.

August took a deep breath, ad began to speak. "I understand that you all probably hate me, and are angry at me, but I need your guys's help. I will do anything and everything to gain your trust back." He said, in a quiet tone of voice August had never used before.

Sloane was the first one to speak to him. "Walker, we are willing to help you, but you must do everything you are told. It's going to be a long few months."

August nodded. "I know. I'm already working to gain back Grace's trust, and she's helping me to be a better person, and as I said before, I am willing to do anything to gain that trust."

Ethan, Ilsa, Benji and Luther looked at each other, before they turned to August. "We'll help you too. I believe that everyone's capable of change, so we'll give you a chance," Ethan said. "But only one."

August nodded. "I understand." He looked up into Ethan's eyes. "Thank you." Ethan gave him a small smile.

They began to talk about what needed to be done, and how Grace was helping him. A few hours later, Ethan and Ilsa were getting ready to leave. Just before the headed to the door, Grace stopped them.

"I received a package from Julia this morning, and this was in it. She's back here, and she's safe." She said in a low voice to him.

Ethan smiled, and gave her a hug. "Thank you, Grace. If you happen to talk to her, let her know that I hope she's doing okay, and to stay safe. I appreciate you being able to make sure that she is always safe."

Grace smiled, and nodded. "She's my sister, and you're still my brother, wether or not you and Julia are together. It's my job," She said.

Ethan smiled, and gave her another hug, before Ilsa walked in from using the bathroom, and the trio said their goodbyes, before the door closed behind Ethan and Ilsa.

Grace ran up the stairs into her office and grabbed the letter. She headed back down to the living room, where she found Auggie reading. She took a seat next to him, making August look up.

"What's that?" August asked, and pointed to the paper in her hand.

"It's the letter that you gave to Julia to give to me, I got it in the mail this morning."

He put the book down, and turned towards her, his features portraying anxiety.

"And, um, what did you think?" He asked, nervously.

Grace smiled and looked at him.

"It made me cry. I know now all you care about was making the world a better place, but you were going about it the wrong way. You knew Julia would be there, but you wanted to make sure she was safe, all because she was my sister. It made me fall more in love with you," She said, tears coming to her eyes as she maintained eye contact with August.

August smiled, and reached a hand out for hers. Grace let him take it, and she ran her thumb on the back of his hand.

"All I ever want to do for you is to make sure you are safe, and you are happy." August whispered, and looked down to his lap, where Scanlon's book was laying.

"Auggie, I know. But I don't need you being taken away from me for the world to change. I read that manifesto, and yes, in certain situations, you must struggle before you succeed. But not the way you and Lane wanted to do it, honey." Grace said, quietly.

"I know, and I'm sorry," August whispered, as tears started to fall from his eyes. Grace immediately looked up at the tone of his voice. Noticing his tears falling, she let the letter fall to the ground, and wrapped her arms around August, who sobbed into her shoulder.

"Auggie, shhhh, calm down," She said, as August's tears became louder and closer together. She ran her hands up and down his back, and whispered in his ear how much she loved him. a few minutes later, his tears started to subside.

Grace looked down, and saw his tired eyes begin to flutter closed. She sat up and lifted his head.

"Hey, hey, hey, you can't sleep yet," She began, brushing a few curls off of his forehead bandage. He groaned slightly, but opened his eyes. "I have to change your bandage on your head, and we need to put some more creme on your burn," She said, and helped August up.

He grumpily walked to the kitchen, and sat on a stool. Grace watched him as she gathered her tools, and laughed to herself about how child like he can become when he is tired.

She quickly took off the bandage, and looked at his stitches,

"They're healing, just slowly. They shouldn't leave too big of a scar, if a scar at all," She said. August nodded, too tired from todays events to talk.

She replaced the bandage and moved on to his burn. It was still noticeable what had happened, but it was healing. She gently lathered on the burn creme, and took a photo of his burn with her phone, in order to track it.

"Okay, baby, all done." She whispered to him. "You head up and go to bed, I'm going to put this away and let Kal out for a pee, and then I'll join you, okay?"

August smiled at her, and stood up. He wrapped his arms around her, and pressed a kiss into her hair. "Thank you, my love. I love you so much." He whispered into her ear.

Grace giggled and gave him a kiss on his lips. "I love you too, Snuffles," She replied, and used his nickname.

He gave her one last hug and kiss, and walked over to the stairs.

Grace began to clean up her medical supplies, and let Kal out for a pee. She walked into the living room, and saw the letter laying on the ground. She picked it up, placed it on the table. She then pulled out her phone and made a reminder to call her mom to talk to Julia and let her know what was happening and why she hasn't answered her lately.

She let the Akita back in the house, who went to his water bowl for a drink before heading up to the bedroom, where his dad was.

Grace made sure all the doors and windows were locked, and the alarm was armed, before she followed her boys.

"Kal! Leave Daddy alone!" Grace whisper yelled upon entering the bedroom, and seeing Kal nudging August with his nose for pets. Kal huffed at her, but then stalked over to his bed, immediately settling down.

Grace changed into her pyjamas, which consisted of one of August's shirts, and a pair of spandex shorts, before snuggling into bed with August.

She quickly fell asleep, and stayed that way until she was awoken at 5:30am by August shooting up from where he was laying. She rolled over and saw his shoulders shaking, his large hands covering his face. She shot up, and crawled so she was kneeling in front of him in the bed. She pulled his head from his hands, which forced him to reveal that he was crying and hyperventilating.

"What's wrong?" Grace said. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. She pressed a kiss to his forehead before running to the bathroom to get him a cup of water. She returned to his side, and placed the water down. He had a hand on his chest, and was hyperventilating to the point where Grace knew he couldn't breathe. She reached into his bedside drawer and grabber his 'bcalm' inhaler.

She bought him this inhaler after a particularly rough day at work, a few months previous.

He had come inside the house, and immediately walked up to where Grace was in the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around her, and began to breathe quickly. Grace, thinking he was just tired, gave him a hug, and continued to work on dinner when he released her. He pressed a kiss to her cheek, and followed Kal into the living room.

A few minutes later, as Grace was chopping up vegetables, Kal came running into the kitchen and began to bark and jerk his head towards the living room, before he ran back to August. Grace knew something was wrong, and followed him. She found August bent over on the couch, shaking, and his head in between his knees. Kal was nudging him, and attempting to get his face up unsuccessfully. Grace dropped to her knees in front of him, and lifted his head.

He looked up at her with pure fear in his eyes. His hands were on his chest, crumpled in his shirt. Grace immediately recognized what was wrong, and tried to calm him down.

'Baby, I need you to listen to me. You're okay, you're safe. Breathe with me." She said, and began to breathe calming breaths with him. "In through your nose, out through your mouth."

They did that for a few moments, but his breathing barely calmed. She held her finger up in front of his mouth. "Pretend you're blowing out a candle, small, deep breaths."

August did as he was told, and his breath quickly slowed, and returned to normal.

Grace knew then that he had an anxiety disorder, but he had never gone to a doctor for it, and likely never would. She opted to educate herself on ways to help him, instead of forcing him into a situation where he wouldn't be comfortable.

She placed the inhaler up to his lips, and instructed him to breathe in. She removed the inhaler to allow him to exhale, before returning it to his lips. After 6-7 breaths, he was calm, and rested his head into Grace's neck.

"Here," Grace said. August lifted his head at her voice, and opened his mouth to drink from the cup that was presented at his mouth. He drank half the glass, before he wrapped his arms around his wife's waist.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Grace said in a quiet voice.

August took a few breaths, but began to explain. "I-I dreamed that Ethan didn't stop me in Kashmir, and Julia died. I was sent to prison. You visited me and told me how much you hated me, and wished you never married me. It scared me so much," He said, shakily.

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm here, I love you and you're going to be okay. You're safe." Grace said. She felt Kal's wet nose poking at her leg, and she looked at the dog. He had anxiety written all over his face, and knew he was scared for his dad.

Grace moved out of the way, and allowed Kal to climb up and put his large body where Graces once was. He rested his head on August's shoulder, and Grace put her hand on the back of his neck. August wrapped his arms around Kal a few moments later.

"Hey, buddy, daddy's okay." August whispered to the dog. Kal made a little whimper, but didn't move. After Kal was satisfied his dad was okay, he moved off, and settled his large body at the end of the bed. Grace laid down, and motioned for August to do the same. She wrapped her small body around his larger one, and they drifted off the sleep not long after.

Grace woke up before August the next morning, and allowed him to stay asleep. She walked into the bathroom and began to run him a bath. He was usually very clingy after an attack that bad, and she wanted him to feel calm, the way he calms her down.

She put a few drops of Lavender essential oil into the water, and Lavender scented bubble bath as well. Once it was full, she turned off the tap. She placed some fluffy towels on her vanity, and made her way to the closet. She grabbed sweats and a t shirt, as well as his superman boxers that he loved. Those were placed on top of his towels. She grabbed her laptop, so he could watch Netflix while he was in there.

Once everything was ready, she made her way back to her sleeping husband in the bed.

She knelt down beside him and began to run her fingers through his hair, gently coaxing him awake. "Auggie baby, wake up," She whispered. He groaned, but opened his eyes. Once his eyes landed on hers, his mouth molded into a smile.

"Good morning," He said, groggily. He reached out a hand and placed it on the side of her face, and he rubbed his thumb back and forth.

Grace leaned into his touch. "I ran a bath for you, follow me." She said. August smiled and got out of bed to follow his wife into the bathroom.

"It smells lovely, baby girl, thank you." He said, as soon as he entered the bathroom. Grace smiled, and gave him a small kiss on the lips.

"I have Netflix queued up on my laptop. I'll make us breakfast, and then I'll join you, okay?" She whispered in his ear. August nuzzled into her neck, and pressed a few kisses there, which made Grace smile. She missed his touch so much.

"Mmmm, sounds good." He whispered into her neck, which caused a shiver to run up and down her back.

She left him to get in the tub, and ventured down stairs. She made a quick breakfast of Eggo waffles, syrup and cold water bottles for the both of them. She made her way back up stairs, and found August settling into the tub.

Grace peeled off her clothes, knowing full well August was admiring her, which she loved. She got into the tub, settling herself in between his legs, her back pressed to his chest. She lifted the plank of wood she used to watch Netflix in the tub, and placed her laptop, and their food on it.

"What do you wanna watch?" She asked him, as she signed into Netflix.

"Mm, New Girl," He said quietly, and he ran a hand up and down her side, admiring his beautiful wife.

She put New Girl on, and settled back against August. He rested his chin on her shoulder, and began to pepper kisses on her neck. Grace moaned, and leaned back into his touch. Her hands ran up and down his thighs that had her body encased in his. August hit a particular spot that he knew would drive Grace crazy. She arched her back, and moaned out loudly. August felt himself begin to lose control, and removed his mouth from her.

"Why'd you stop?" Grace groaned out. "I was liking that,"

He chuckled. "I want you to trust me fully before we're intimate again. I don't want to make you feel like I'm being selfish."

Grace turned her head to look at him. "You won't baby. I love you, and miss you." She whispered.

August began to move his hands to her stomach. He immediately felt her body react to his, and that encouraged him to keep going. He removed his hands for a moment, in order to move the wood that had their food and laptop on it, to the ground where it couldn't be harmed.  

Grace turned around in his arms, and swung her right and then her left over his legs, so she was straddling him. She pressed their foreheads together, and moaned at the feeling of Augusts hands exploring her body. It had only been a week since the last time they made love, but somehow it felt like it had been a lifetime. Grace brushed her lips against his, and felt his hand slow to a stop. He reached up and enveloped her lips in a loving kiss. Her hands moved from his chest to his jaw.

His tongue swiped on her bottom lip, and she immediately allowed him to deepen the kiss. His right hand moved from her lower back, over her hip, her thigh, and then in between her legs, and Grace allowed her self to be lost in the pleasure.

For many minutes, time seemed to stop for the couple. Inside their little bubble, no one could harm them. No ethics reading needed to be done, no trust needed to be gained, and Kashmir never happened. All they felt was love, and passion.

As Grace rested her head on August's chest, she felt his heartbeat slowly return to normal. August had his right hand rubbing her back, and his left playing with her hair. She sighed in content, and tilted her head up at August. He smiled town at her, and gave her a kiss.

"That was amazing," August said. He noticed pure happiness on his wife's face. "I love you so much, I can't even believe it," He said, a stray tear falling from his welled up eyes. Grace lifted a hand and gently wiped it, being careful not to hit his burn area.

"I love you too. You've amazed me with how far you've come, even in just two days. I'm so proud of you, baby." She whispered to him. She noticed the tears escaping his eyes, and she knew that he was happy to hear her say that. That she was proud of him, that she loved him. Words he never heard from his parents.

She sat up and wrapped him up in her arms. "I'm proud of you. You make me proud to be your wife as every day goes by. You're so worthy of all my love. You're doing amazing," She whispered, tears came to her eyes, and she praised him over and over, meaning every word.

"I make you proud?" He whispered, clearly not believing her.

"Everyday angel. Marrying you was the best decision of my life." She said. Instantly, his sobs intensified, and his arms squeezed her closer.

She knew he needed to hear every word of praise she could give him, that he needed every kiss, hug, touch, and he needed her.

He may not be the perfect citizen, but Grace would be damned if she couldn't admit that he was on his way. And she would protect him, and guide him, until he didn't need it anymore. When that time came, she would stick by him, and love him.

[work-life-harmony]

Harmony Journal/Blog Posts

9/8/21

“I Stress, Eustress, We All Stress”

It is two days past my 42nd birthday and the eve before the start of another school year.  And I anticipate it is going to be a year like no other.  There is a tremendous amount of uncertainty that I am feeling at the moment.  Personally, I am in the thick of things trying to raise my twelve year-old daughter and blend ourselves with my fiancee and her two children.  It has not been easy.  My daughter has dealt with anxiety ever since she was little.  Her mom passed away two months after her second birthday and it’s hard to know whether her personality has been shaped in part because of the void my wife’s passing created.  Now that she is entering adolescence, a certain alchemy of anxiety, anger, and depression has yielded some chaos in our household.

That the pandemic happened to coincide with the time in her life where she is feeling the hardest is unfortunate.  Did the lockdown and disruption to our lives exacerbate her feelings of anxiety and anger?  It’s probably a safe bet that it did.  So that has been a major area of concern and frustration for me.

On the professional side of things, although last year was difficult for many teachers, and I certainly had my frustrations, I was in a fairly good place mentally.  There were some aspects to the school year that I actually found novel and enjoyed, such as the ability to sleep later, roll out of bed and teach from my kitchen table.  Conversely, the new routine allowed me to develop some habits that were not healthy, including daily rituals such as making and drinking light and sweet coffee and having a serving or two of ice cream nightly between dinner and bed.  Furthermore, I seemed to become a slave to my phone.  Although I’ve had the willpower to delete apps such as Facebook off of my phone in the past, the last few years I became addicted to the news...and Instagram...and checking my email.  One concerning consequence of the pandemic is that I’ve lost my concentration stamina.  If I start something, particularly work related, it only takes a few minutes before I feel compelled to get up and do something else, even just for a half minute.  Of course this breaks my rhythm of work and I’m unable to achieve any kind of flow.  And, worse, sometimes I find that I mean to do something, such as check the weather, but when I open up a tab to do it, I have completely lost what I meant to do when I opened the tab.  Scary!

With the start of the new school year, I intend to turn over a new leaf so to speak by approaching different aspects of my professional and personal life with an eye towards my well-being: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  The forthcoming journal entries will chronicle the conscious changes that I am making in order to foster more harmony in my life and a stronger sense of well-being.  Part of that will be my investment in activities that help me achieve a sense of flow, including but not limited to music, reading, and immersing myself in nature.

9/16/21

“Time In a Bottle”

As the school year has started, the typical looseness of my summer days has come to an abrupt end.  However, there are some benefits to the structure of my school days.  My body has started to adjust to my new routine, and although the school day seems to necessitate a routine, there are conscious choices that I’m making to build a healthy daily schedule.  I am up at 5:30 on weekday mornings and in bed reading by 10 pm, a major shift from previous school years in which I would stay up until 11 or later watching television before hopping in bed to fall asleep.  Although I’m still adjusting to this new routine (as the school year is still young), I am recognizing an easier relationship with waking up in the morning.  As noted in the course, avoiding screens before bedtime contributes to a better sleep and I am finding that I am waking up more rested and ready to meet the day.  

An interesting stressor at the start of the school year, before my body has fully adopted the new schedule, is my anxiety that I will somehow miss my morning alarm.  I’m the first one in the house who is up in the morning, and no one is coming to wake me in time for my early day if my alarm fails me.  Thus, the first week (or two) of the school year leave me sleeping lightly and somewhat anxiously.  I continue to add measures into my routine, such as meditation and muscle relaxation practices to help ease my mind.  Additionally, I have quieted my mind before falling asleep by acknowledging the things that I am grateful for.  This will be touched upon in more depth in a forthcoming journal entry, but there is tremendous value in gratitude.  Lori Santos, a renowned professor at Yale University who teaches the highly sought course “The Science of Well-Being,” acknowledged in an article for Newsweek Magazine, “Grateful people tend to be happier and show lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol. Health care workers who keep a gratitude journal show reductions in stress and depression. And people suffering from chronic pain who practice gratitude show improvements in both sleep quality and mood” (Santos). It has become an important strategy for me to ease the chronic stress and anxiety of life which gets exacerbated at the start of a new school year.  

With each day, it does become easier to sleep peacefully and I suspect that soon my eyes will open a minute before my alarm rings.  I am also pleased to report that rising before the sun comes up has been easier than in years past.  Typically, trying to get out of bed in the dark has always been difficult and miserable.  Of course, it may return to misery as winter sets in and leaving a warm bed is a shock to the system, but for now I am happy to report that the newly adopted schedule for this school year is working well.  

On a more professional side of things, I have been working on my planning as it regards daily obligations.  For instance, the adoption of daily to-do lists has helped me to stay better focused on items that need attention; efficient about tending to, and completing, those items; and avoid being frazzled like I have been in the past because the ideas bounce around my brain but have not been concrete since they aren’t visibly posted somewhere.  The morning ritual of composing a daily to-do list has really been beneficial for me.  An example of items that I’ve included on lists include: grade seven essays today, photocopy “Heroes” article, email Nina’s guidance counselor, drop two books in Mari’s mailbox, hit the supermarket with grocery list, and call the car dealership.  Furthermore, I’ve been diligent about staying on top of the “house calendar” to not only make sure that all family events are noted on the calendar, but also to consult the calendar every day as part of my daily routine to see what obligations members of the household have that day and in the near future.  This is an indispensable part of our lives and internal harmony.  For instance, my daughter’s “picture day” is tomorrow.  Since it is listed on the calendar, we can save ourselves stress and frustration by potentially being caught off guard that pictures are being taken tomorrow.  Heaven forbid my daughter arrive at school with no inkling that it is picture day, likely exacerbating her stress/anxiety because she feels unprepared.  These measures have been part of my process for winning back time and peace of mind.  

With that in mind, it is going to be a school long objective to work on organization skills with my students.  In particular, I have two sections of remedial sophomore English classes.  A good percentage of these students have IEPS or other individualized plans to help them be successful in their high school classes.  It is not uncommon to see a personalized modification that revolves around breaking down big concepts and keeping them on task.  For this reason, we’ve established a routine of taking out binders/notebooks at the start of every class period.  They need reminders, but it is with the purpose of establishing healthy and productive habits that they can carry with them for a lifetime.

9-19-21

“Love May Know No Bounds, But a Teacher Better Set Some”

The financial wizard Warren Buffet has been quoted, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."  While there’s probably a bit of overstatement to Buffet’s claim, one can’t deny that from an “American Dream” point of view that he is considered a success.  Thus, there must be some truth behind his words which reinforce the Module 3 concept of boundary-setting.  With the rise of technology, be it e-mail or Google classroom, students have greater accessibility to their teachers.  In fact, everyone has greater accessibility to teachers.  Compounded by the fact that part of last year was taught remotely, the boundaries of the school day almost ceased to exist.  Fortunately, the summer has been a quiet time to turn away from professional demands, but with the new school year upon us,  I feel it is going to be important to counter the feeling of always being tied to work.  For this reason, boundary-setting is going to be a priority for me.  My first concern is to establish that I will not be addressing professional inquiries/issues on weekends or days off.  Of course, this will be somewhat of a test at the start of the school year because I’m also conscious of the anxiety that arises when my inbox fills up with issues that need attention.  But branching off of the time-management piece of the puzzle, I hope to create effective solutions in my approach to time and boundaries.

When I started my career as a teacher, I recall a colleague noting that teaching is a twelve month job condensed down to ten months.  Thus, the school day doesn’t truly end with the last bell.  There is much to get done between planning, grading, and tending to all of the extra aspects of teaching.  Even as a veteran teacher, it is virtually impossible to complete all of my professional needs during school hours.  In fact, the demands of being a school teacher may feel endless at times.  This is why it is so important to set boundaries.  Granted, when you have children of your own, as I do, priorities tend to shift.  But, even so, most caring teachers yearn to give 110% to their schools and students.  The phrase that comes to mind when that happens is “slave to your work.”  This is a recipe for stress and potential unhappiness, so it becomes incumbent upon teachers to set boundaries and strike a balance between personal and professional life.  This school year, I feel I’ve done a nice job of making my nights and weekends sacred.  I use my time at school effectively and efficiently, shying away from distractions that keep me from being as productive as possible during school hours.  I have even established practices with classes that have helped in this regard.  For instance, I have designated Friday as an independent reading day for my basic skills classes.  While this is productive for them because it creates an environment that they can do sustained reading of literature that they choose, it also affords me time to catch up on grading and plan for the following week (which would otherwise be happening during my weekend).  The items that I am not able to get to during the school day are addressed during my time at home, but I believe that I am approaching it in a more thoughtful way.  On weekend mornings, I’ve been waking up early as my body adjusts to my 5:30 wakeup routine during the week.  So when I’m up for an hour before the rest of the house, I can attack the items that I didn’t get to during the week.  Needless to say, my approach this year has left me feeling a better sense of control over my professional duties.

9-22-21

“Shake It Off” 

Several years ago the topic du jour in school districts across the country was resilience or grit.  This was pre-pandemic.  As a concept, it hasn’t gotten the same attention as of late, but that does not undercut the importance of resilience and the tools we need to develop in order to persevere.  As noted in Module 3, a growth mindset plus stamina equals achievement.   As part of my journey to better living, particularly during the stressful pandemic, I have landed on, and dedicated myself to, several areas which follow:

Developing habits of self care and compassion for others

As we went into lockdown and found ourselves somewhat trapped in our homes, particularly during the fall and winter, it was easy to lose the habits of self-care that had been so natural in our daily lives.  I have consciously made an effort to develop better habits of self care since taking this course.  Namely, my diet and sleep have been areas of focus.  My daily diet looks something like:

-Greek yogurt with granola and fresh berries for breakfast

-A greens, apple, avocado, grilled chicken and blue cheese salad for lunch

-Apple slices, banana, flavored almonds, and/or pretzel & hummus for an afternoon snack

-Dinner varies, but is typically home-cooked and avoids red meat

Prior to this conscious change, I had no real dietary routine and I recognized the impact it was having on me physically and mentally.  I was leaning hard into sugar and caffeine; beyond the damage it was doing to my body, it was adversely affecting my sleep habits.  Now, however, committed to taking better care of myself, I am cognizant of the synergistic benefits of self-care, especially when times are tough.  

Another area of focus, and one often taken for granted in our well-being, is the power of authentic socializing with others.  While I was lucky to have a full house made up of my fiancee and our three kids which helped me not feel starved for close, authentic social interaction, I still was not feeling completely edified.  Making sure to nurture my relationships, especially with students and colleagues, brings a greater sense of gratification from meaningful interaction.  For instance, last school year, I noticed that one aspect of my school day that was glaringly absent was laughter.  Whether it stems from banter with colleagues or the shenanigans that carry on with a loose and happy classroom of students, last year punctuated how important laughter is on the psyche.  In fact, a line from one of my favorite novels, Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, emphasizes the deep importance of laughter when the protagonist, McMurphy, remarks, “Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing.”  While social distancing may have made us inclined to shrink away from people, so much has been lost by cocooning ourselves.  A tremendous part of our mental health is the release we get when laughing.  I have reinvested in that and it has led to the next area of well-being and resilience:

Building a network of positivity

As an extension of that investment into relationships is the support system of those who help to buoy me.  While we know that misery often loves company, we should also recognize that happiness is augmented through company as well.  One of the better pieces of wisdom that I ever found from a fortune cookie fortune was “Joy shared is doubled; grief shared is halved.”  (Does one need to create an APA citation for fortune cookies?  Ha!)  We certainly are better off building a mindset of positivity.  It can be infectious.  And although as the school year neared I was having grim thoughts about what was in store for us, my network of people which includes friends, colleagues, and even students have helped me navigate to a place of harmony.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and our brains can be unkind and counterproductive. And sometimes we lose our way which also takes a toll on our sense of being.  That’s why anyone will be better off:

Finding Purpose

Yesterday, I was catching up with my best friend from childhood.  I asked how his mother was doing since she retired three years ago from her position as an anesthesiologist.  My friend’s response was, “She’s deteriorating.”  Granted, this is a woman in her 70s, and time can be cruel.  (My fiancee told me last night that she saw a shirt for sale online that said, “My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.”) But the real point of my friend’s words is that once she lost her daily purpose of getting up at 5:30 and doing meaningful work, she became aimless and lost the person that she had been for most of her lifetime.  

Finding purpose is an important element to the senior curriculum I teach as the literature we read in my ELA class forces us to confront the universal themes of purpose and identity.  So much of self-understanding and drive derives from the things that we do.  

Perhaps the best figure to explore the value of purpose is the mythological figure of Sisyphus.  You may know him as the guy who rolls the rock up the hill.  That’s his identity, because that’s what he does.  He is suffering eternal punishment for angering the gods, and they have determined that there is nothing worse than this act of futility.  When Sisyphus completes his task and gets the rock to the top of the mountain, it just rolls back to the other side and he has to collect the rock again and repeat.  Ad nauseum.   However, the French absurdist writer Albert Camus examines Sisyphus as a representation of the everyman.  We all roll our metaphorical rocks only to watch those acts be undone.  We make our beds in the morning.  Wash our dishes.  Mow the lawn.  Go to work.  Day after day after day.  And ultimately, we suffer for no greater good.  However, Camus acknowledges that Sisyphus overcomes his torment if he has his own purpose to the seemingly futile act.  When he steps up to the rock with his own personal motivation, or purpose, then it’s not a punishment.  That’s the value of purpose.  

Fortunately, the profession of education naturally provides purpose as we invest in our students.  And beyond that, I have invested in music and relationships.   These areas of my life have certainly been instrumental in creating a sense of direction and happiness. 

Finally, I believe in:

Continuing to learn, experiment, and grow

Recently, a colleague noted how much she loved being a student and learning.  She pointed out that if she could be a student for the rest of her life, she would do it in a heartbeat.  I feel somewhat similar.  And one of the best aspects of being in the world of education is that I’m consistently being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking that have satisfied an aspect of my personality that yearns for knowledge.  

When the world came to a screeching halt in the spring of 2020, eager to quench my desire to improve my knowledge and skills, I found just what I was looking for online.  After some searches for guitar instruction on the internet, I stumbled upon a fellow with a channel on youtube that has been somewhat life-changing.  His avuncular disposition and clear explanation of guitar theory has helped me to become a better guitarist and feel a newfound confidence in my playing.  Upon reflection, I’m happy that I dedicated myself to improving my skills because it has paid great dividends and underscores the value of knowledge, experimentation and growth.

I feel lucky that a few of the ideas noted above are organically interwoven into the life of an English literature teacher.  

9-26-21

“The smell of gratitude” - Sensory Awareness, Attitude and Thankfulness

Yesterday, I stepped outside in the morning and immediately recognized that it was a glorious day.  An early morning autumn chill was in the air (my favorite time of year), and the sun dappled the earth through its magnificent golden rays.  Shortly after breakfast, the family hopped in the car and headed north to Warwick, NY.  When we reached our destination, my fiancee and the kids hopped out and spent an hour on an alpaca farm while I drove into Sugar Loaf, the neighboring hippie town.  There, I walked along the main drag in the middle of town and basked in the sunshine between dropping into the different stores.  After picking the family up, we drove back into town and had a delicious lunch before heading home mostly along back roads that traced the shore of a lake that crosses the boundary between NY and NJ.  It was sensational; the only thing that could have made it better is if the foliage had started to turn.  

Days and moments experienced, like yesterday’s outing, force me to return to the lyrics of Neil Peart whose words echo from his band, Rush’s, wonderful song “Time Stand Still”:

Freeze this moment

A little bit longer

Make each sensation

A little bit stronger

Experience slips away...

Experience slips away...

Time stand still

Of course, time doesn’t stand still, so it becomes necessary for us to savor the big and little moments of our lives.  Akin to the Scottish poet Robert Burns’ remark in his poem, “To a Mouse”:

 I backward cast my e’e,

       On prospects drear!

An’ forward tho’ I canna see,

       I guess an’ fear!

We are so busy worrying about our past and futures that we forget to live in the present.  With this in mind, I’ve been practicing the art of savoring.  Right now, as I write, there is the wonderful aroma of pumpkin muffins in the air.  This morning, I relished the hot water pouring down when I took a shower.  And even though I’m allergic to animals, I still felt and savored the buttery softness of the teddy bears made with alpaca fur that the kids got when they were at the farm.  

There are many areas of our lives to be more present and “tune into” in order to achieve a deeper appreciation for the present moment and increase our happiness and well-being.  And, following the advice from the Harmony course to spend time in nature, I find this to be the best time of year to do such a thing.  Thus, I have been spending extra time outdoors, smelling the autumnal air and savoring the beauty of the natural world.  Fortunately, I’ve had the pleasure of teaching Romantic writers whose ideology turned away from the harsh, cold logic of the Age of Reason and towards the wonders of the natural world and the emotions of humankind.  Several poems I teach underscore the value of nature; perhaps no poet celebrates the natural world more than William Wordsworth.  He characterizes the peace found in nature when he says in “Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey:

how oft—

In darkness and amid the many shapes

Of joyless daylight; when the fretful stir

Unprofitable, and the fever of the world,

Have hung upon the beatings of my heart—

How oft, in spirit, have I turned to thee,

O sylvan Wye! thou wanderer thro' the woods,

         How often has my spirit turned to thee!

I, too, have looked to nature, both literally and figuratively, to counterbalance the “fever of the world.”  I will continue to do so, especially on these glorious autumn days.  And in times when I cannot be out in nature, my spirit can still turn to it and find some internal peace with recollections of how sublime Mother Nature can be. 

9-29-21

Crisis - “A season to build resiliency”

The subheading to this journal entry comes from an Edutopia article written by Jessica Cabeen, “How School Leaders Can Frame Tough Decisions.”  It’s certainly an optimistic mindset in relation to times of struggle or outright crises.  Entering my seventeenth year in education, I could never have predicted what the state of education was going to be over the past few years if I had never lived it.  If we are to understand “crises” as events that cause us to change our routines and threaten our safety, the pandemic certainly fits the bill. 

I’ve had a few other crises since becoming a teacher.  The most recent one was a crisis wrought and then averted by Mother Nature right as this school year was beginning.  When Hurricane Ida swept up the eastern coast of the US, those of us in the metropolitan area had no real warning about the amount of water that the storm was going to dump on us.  At around 8:30 pm, I went into my basement to see streams of water pouring through the basement walls soaking the basement floor as the sump pump struggled to keep up with the quickly rising water table.  Ten years prior, I had a similar experience with Hurricane Irene.  (It dawns on me now that I must really take note when a Hurricane named after the letter I bears down on me that I need to be alert.)  The morning after Irene, I woke up to the items in my basement floating around like they were in a bathtub.  With Ida, I made a mad dash to remove the items from the basement that I could and tried to shift my thinking of helplessness to acceptance.  

You can’t fight Mother Nature.  Thus, I took solace in knowing that I salvaged the things that I could and to not fret about the things that I couldn’t control.  This is perhaps a difficult thing to do, especially in a situation like this as we are naturally conditioned to protect our abodes.  But the mindset is vital part of our wellbeing.  One of the moments from the course on Harmony that really resonated with me was the transference of anxious energy into positive energy.  Rather than feel confined by the heightened energy of anxiety, simply telling yourself “I’m excited” can have a real positive effect.  Certainly, saying “I’m excited” about a hurricane is a ludicrous connection, but attempts to assuage the mind can bear fruit.  In the middle of the madness as Ida was wreaking havoc across NJ, I made a conscious attempt to soothe myself and accept what the fallout was going to be.

From there we are able to learn and grow, and our resilience is definitely tested.  Although we may struggle and even suffer, we have the opportunity to learn and grow from our experiences.  Additionally, when we go through our own trials, we become empathetic.

Given the extreme negative impacts that trauma can have on individuals, especially young people, crises take on a more serious consideration because it’s not just the present crisis that needs attention; the ramifications for the long-term also need to be addressed.  Sometimes checking in is an important step to help others.  For that reason, I spent a couple of class periods talking candidly with my students about their feelings regarding the pandemic.  Not only was it eye-opening, it was also greatly appreciated by my students.  Quite a few students remarked that none of their teachers bothered to check in with them.  They carried on with business as usual, even though the students had bigger things on their minds than math or chemistry or history.  Since then, and with the endorsement of the Harmony course, I have made it a priority to emphasize and invest in the human connection with my students and the other people in my orbit.  

Although the course emphasized a distinction in the connotations of balance and harmony, I do believe that a conscious balancing of different aspects of my routines and choices has led to a more harmonious life.  The school year is off to a great start...a better start than I had hoped.  And, ultimately, I feel a stronger sense of well-being, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Cited Sources:

Burns, Robert. “To a Mouse.” Poets.org, https://poets.org/poem/mouse. 

Cabeen, J., 2021. How School Leaders Can Frame Tough Decisions. [online] Edutopia. Available at: 

<https://www.edutopia.org/article/how-school-leaders-can-frame-tough-decisions> [Accessed 29 

September 2021].

Gilbert, D. (2021). Stumbling on Happiness: Think You Know What Makes You Happy? 

Alfred A. Knopf.

Kesey, K. (1672). Ken Kesey: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Mass Market 

Paperback); 1989 Edition. Ken Kesey.

Rush. “Time Stand Still.” Peter Collins, The Manor, Oxfordshire, 1987. 

Santos, L. (2020, December 22). Laurie Santos, Yale Happiness Professor, on 5 things that will 

make you happier. Newsweek. Retrieved September 16, 2021, from

https://www.newsweek.com/2021/01/08/laurie-santos-yale-happiness-professor-5-thing

-that-will-make-you-happier-1556182.html. 

Wordsworth, William. “Lines Composed a Few Miles above Tintern Abbey, on Revisiting the 

Banks of the Wye During a Tour, July 13, 1798.” Poets.org, 

https://poets.org/poem/lines-composed-few-miles-above-tintern-abbey-revisiting-banks-

wye-during-tour-july-13-1798. 

[autumn-rain-asset]

Hey everyone, if you follow me you have probably realized by now that I re/post a fair share of posts about abuse. And if any of you haven’t picked up on it by now, I live with my abusive parents(more actively, my mother).

I’m beginning to plan my escape since college is almost over for me, and I’m looking to see if anyone has an tips/ideas that can help me or anyone else when running away from an abusive household/relationship.

I’ll list a basic outline of my plan to hopefully help someone else, as well as give others ideas to bounce off of:

Step 1: find a location.

This is incredibly important to escaping/running away!! Do not save this for last, it is crucial! Find yourself Both a safe house to stay at in the beginning to get your bearings, and a town/city location to go to after the safe house that you are sure is far enough and safe enough from your abusers.

Step 2: get a used cheap car.

This step may not be necessary for you if your car is under your name, but if you are like me and are unable to get your car under your name, save about 2-3,000 dollars and buy a used car off Facebook or local auctions. Once you get this car, find a trusted friend to leave it with until you’re ready for it, or leave it in your jobs parking lot if your boss allows you to.

Step 3: get a new phone of any kind.

This step is crucial particularly to those of you whose phones plans are connected to your abusers, or for those of you who have apps like Life360 installed on your phone. When you leave, you must leave your current phone behind to ensure that they can’t track you, and don’t activate your new/escape phone until the day of or sometime after you’ve reached your safe house.

Step 4: As you start getting the above steps in order, finish any schooling you are currently doing(if possible). Especially if it’s highschool or you’re paying for it!

Finishing highschool ensures that you have a higher chance of getting a job after escaping(make sure you get a copy of your transcripts before you leave, but we’ll discuss that in another step). And finishing college gives you more job opportunities to apply to!

Step 5: set escape date and safe house(if available).

Now that you finished the hard parts, it’s time to get going. Set the date for when you will escape and have a plan: this can include having a friend or adult drive you to the safe house, having safe houses/locations backed up in case something goes wrong, and even go so far as to plan the date can’t time that you will leave with the least amount of confrontation(ideally, when your abusers are not at the house).

Step 6: get all/any important paperwork.

Get any paperwork that you’ll need to do anything, this includes: birth certificate,social security card, etc.

Step 7: pack everything you’ll need and nothing more.

Depending on the size of car you have, you can bring more or less stuff, but make sure you have the essentials before anything else.

My packing list looks like this:

•7 days worth of clothes(7pants,7shorts,7shirts, etc.)

•one or two good pair of shoes(tennis shoes, and boots(for winter)), and a light and heavy jacket

•all toiletries (toothbrush, toothpaste, brush, deodorant, bar of soap and shampoo/conditioner, 1towel, 1loofa/washcloth, one pack of razors,pads/tampons if a girl) (keep in mind these are essentials, things like face wash and face masks can be added later if there is room)

•sleeping things(a mattress/blow up mattress, a heavy and light blanket, one good pillow)

•medicine (ibuprofen and Advil are all you should need for now unless you have other medications that you take regularly, in which I would suggest talking to your doctor about if your 18 or having a trusted adult help you with if you’re under age)

•food, although you might be staying at a safe house for a while, it is always good to pack oof anyways in case things go wrong. (A case or 2 of water, filling foods like protein bars or canned foods, a box of cereal)

Currently, I can’t think of much else you’ll need as essentials, of than money(in cash) for you to use. If your abusers have access to your bank account, go to a atm and take out as much money as you can from your account the day that you leave, do not do so earlier as they will notice and get suspicious. Leave your saved money with a trusted friend/adult if possible.

Step 8: it’s time to go, so make sure you are ready to leave.

Triple check everything before this date to make sure that you are forgetting nothing. If a friend/adult is picking you up, make sure that you are ready to throw your stuff in their car and leave as soon as possible. Spend as a little time getting into their car as possible.

If you are driving yourself, slowly start adding your packed stuff to the car day by day so that when it is time for you to leave, all you have to do is ensure the abusers gone and leave to your safe house/safe location. Or, bring your stuff to the safe house/location day by day if you feel safer that way/less suspicious.

Once you have arrived at your safe house/location, contact a trusted friend/adult who knows about this that you are safe and ensure that they know not to spill any information about you when the abuser comes asking about you. Under no uncertain terms are they to even give away that they know you have left.

Step 9: make sure you are completely set/ready to leave the safe house.

If you have a safe house, make sure you have everything you need before you go to an even safer(and farther) location from your abuser/s. If you don’t have a safe house and instead have a safe location, then ensure that this location is completely safe.

If you don’t have a safe house, I’d advise that you have 2 safe locations. Go to one town, stay there to recollect yourself, then go to a farther safe location to ensure that you are 100% safe and free.

And for the sake of making this a 10 step plan:

Step 10: be free

If anyone has anything else to add to this, please feel free to and tag me in it. I’ll need all the help I can get, and I’m sure others will as well. Sometimes having a detailed plan is all it takes for someone to decide that they’re ready to escape, because the plan makes it real.

Thanks <3

[epicwriting]

Delivery Takeaways

A bit over a year ago, I started making a living off of delivering food through various delivery platforms. Although the work itself is quite simple and straightforward, I learned a couple of interesting things that I like to share with you.

Traffic troubles

I'll start with what I learned from being on the road. Many days a week I ride my e-bike through the city. One of the things I've noticed is that there are many people, especially among pedestrians, in whom I recognise a hostile attitude towards me, or a frightened one.

Some pedestrians seem to be annoyed by my presence in busy streets while the elderly ones sometimes show an overly anxious response when I'm only passing by slowly.

Of course it has to do with the general reputation that we have as riders. Even though I really try to be of least hindrance to other traffic participants as I can, this surely doesn't count for many other riders on scooters and e-bikes. Judging from the way some of them drive, they seem to have a dead-wish or would like to kill somebody by chance. But of course they don't. Most of them are just around 16 years of age and haven't developed a true sense of danger yet. They simply don't realise yet how dangerous and annoying it is what they do.

I've played with the idea of becoming such a fast rider myself too. But I came to the conclusion that, if I were to have an accident which could be blamed on me and my recklessness, it would completely defeat the purpose of doing what I do. Of course I work for money, but not at all cost. I want to feel like I'm contributing something positive to society/my city. If I would put others and myself in danger in order to make more money, that would take away the idea that I'm contributing. What's a few people happy with food worth if you injure somebody in the process?

For this reason I drive safely. The way others decide to behave in traffic is not my choice and therefore I don't care. Even if they're a danger to my health. What other people decide to think of me and the way they respond is not up to me either. If it's negative then it's most likely because of some prejudice they have about riders and not because of what I do.

Working is more fun if you don't have to

You have to know how a delivery platform works; you can go online whenever you want and deliver orders. When you want to stop you just go offline again. This thing in itself is great in my opinion and causes much less stress for many people than the traditional 'having to show up on time' principle. In fact I think that, despite the technology facilitating this is very advanced, this is actually the way work used to be organised earlier in our history.

In a world in which people didn't have clocks to keep the time and household calendars were a rarity, most work was probably organised by just showing up. But I'm drifting off here. What I want to point out is that our souls are not constant, but rather in motion. At least mine is. Some days I feel like working, some I don't. Sometimes I want to start early, sometimes late. It is a great good to me to be able to decide for myself when I do work according to what I feel like at that moment. This freedom is what decides part of my inner peace.

Perhaps this is not something everyone would agree with. Some people like the compulsory times set by an employer. They like to wake up early in the morning anyway and couldn't be with themselves alone for a minute. But for many people this is not the case. For me and many people it's the compulsory element of 'having to show up' that gives them a feeling of not being free. This often results in a certain resentment towards the job in general, while it's not the job itself that people dislike but rather the restriction of freedom that it gives them. I know that it's something that shouldn't matter but to me it does.

I probably work more than I have ever done before and, at times of the day on which I wouldn't want to work on before, while at the same time experiencing little stress from it. And this is because I can work but don't have to. I even feel the freedom to dedicate some of my time to write a column. I think there are many people like me who would at least be more productive at work if they were completely free to decide when to work. Organising this would not be possible in every type of business, I'm aware of that, but many people would be served by it. The technology to make this possible is being developed rapidly...

By the way, I don't think all work can be organised in such a flexible way. Therefore I do have respect for those who are fine with a working schedule and don't feel resentment towards their job because of it.

Not everyone is your friend

Apart from working with the app and taking part in traffic I've also gotten to know many people through my job. Something that I've learned is that if you value your time, you don't really want to get to know too many people too well. What do I mean by that?

Well... Being acquainted with many people is fine to me, but searching a friendship in every person I have a chat with is not what I aspire to do. But this was different or at least not clear to me when I started delivering. Back when I started, there was a somewhat established community of riders in my city that knew each other.

When I first came into this I didn't know anyone and they didn't know me. This isn't a bad thing and I guess normal if you start working somewhere new. But this was something I wasn't very experienced with and I guess I did not know yet how to keep some healthy distance from people you don't know very well. Not that something traumatic happened, but it stirred me up quite a bit for a while with a lot of emotions that were unnecessary to say the least.

I talked with many people and shared rather personal unnecessary things with people I didn't know well at all. I guess I believed that part of my happiness depended on the what my colleagues thought of me and, I thought talking to many different people and finding common ground was the way to make them like me. How insecure and foolish I was!

I guess the talking in itself wasn't really a bad thing, but the motivation behind it and the amount was. I guess for me my desire to talk originated partly from insecurity, but it changed.

Nowadays when I talk to somebody I don't know well, I try to approach them with kindness and respect, but I also try to observe them well. I try to observe whether I can see the symptoms of an illness, not of the body but of the soul. And usually I find one or more, sometimes directly, sometimes after letting it sink in for a few days. Not that I place myself above them; I after all suffer from illnesses of the soul too, just like anyone to some degree. But it gives a certain confidence when being around people to understand their soul a bit; to understand what they want and fear.

I still talk to colleagues and others when I'm working. But now it comes from a place of curiosity rather than insecurity about myself. One final thing I want to add is that I find people that approach me with in a more neutral, not overly enthusiastic way to be more stable and trustworthy people than the ones that approach me and try to intentionally make a good impression. It are often the ones that you know the least at first that stick with you the longest.

[ellie-mnop]

Hi everyone! I just finished the 100 Days Of Languages challenge and I wanted to do something new afterwards, so I came up with a challenge of my own! I’m calling this the Checkerboard Challenge because it’s an 8x8 grid. Along the top there are eight language-related skills, and on the side there are eight modes of learning, so each box contains a way to study a particular skill using a particular mode. I wanted to do that because exposing yourself to the same information in different contexts is so helpful for learning and I wanted to apply that to how I study Portuguese. The result is a list of 64 different ways to study languages, 71 if you include the alternate options listed below, each one versatile enough to be repeated as often as you want using different topics or resources and hopefully interesting and useful for your learning.

Ways To Use This Challenge

Complete all of the challenges on the table, in whatever order you want.

Choose a particular skill you’d like to work on. Complete all of the challenges in that column.

Choose a particular method of learning that works well for you. Complete all of the challenges in that row.

Use dice or a random number generator to pick a challenge to do every day, and see how long it takes you to get bingo or connect four or something.

Choose whichever of the challenges sound useful to you and incorporate them into your regular studying routine.

There’s no obligation to post anything you make; even when I say to record yourself doing something, that can just be for your own future reference. (It’s recommended for the collaborative tasks that focus on creating resources that would be useful to other learners or interacting on social media, but even then you can just write the posts/comments and not post them if you prefer) However, I would love to see anything you do want to share, or any updates on your progress, so you can post anything like that with the tag “checkerboard challenge” which is also where I will be posting the tasks I complete.

The tasks are listed below, with more detail than what would fit in the boxes.

Reading

(Visual) Read a comic book, comic strip, or webcomic in your target language. Depending on your skill level and  the amount of time you have, you can choose anything from a single strip of a  newspaper comic to a full-length graphic novel

(Auditory) Read along with a chapter of an audiobook, or another piece of writing with accompanying audio. Some language learning websites have articles with recordings of native speakers  reading them. If you want, or if you can’t find anything else, you could even  use a song and its lyrics.

(Hands-On) Option 1: Play a video game in your target language. This can be a computer or console game, or an app on your phone or even a  little browser game. Check the language options on games you already have to  see if your target language is available, or if not, many free games have lots of language options. / Option 2: Read and follow a recipe or another  set  of instructions, such as an art/craft tutorial, the rules to a board or card game, a DIY project or a magic trick.

(Logical) Solve  riddles or logic puzzles in your target language. (Alternate:  Read a short mystery story such as a minute mystery (or something longer if  you prefer) and see if you can solve it before the characters do.)

(Collaborative) Talk by text chat with someone else learning your target language, or a native speaker learning your language.

(Read/Write) Read an article or a chapter of a book  (or the whole thing) in your target language. It can be about any topic, and can be a children’s or adult’s book depending on your skill level and preference.

(Personal) Find and read a translation of a piece of writing that’s important to you, such as your favorite book as a kid that you feel nostalgic for, or a poem  that resonates with you.

(Creative) Read story in your target language and illustrate what happens. The quality of the drawing isn’t important unless you want it to be; the important thing is to help you process what you’re reading.

Writing

(Visual) Choose a photo, either at random from a generator or by choice on a website like Unsplash, and describe it in as much detail as  you can. Your description can focus just on describing visible details in the image, or you can make up contexts for and stories around the things you see, whichever you prefer. (Alternate: Do this with a physical object nearby instead of a photo.)

(Auditory) Try writing simple poems, focusing on the auditory features of what you’re writing such as rhyme and rhythm. You can use a rhyme dictionary to expand your vocabulary in an interesting  way while you’re working on this. It’s not necessary to worry too much about  the artistic quality of the poems unless you want to.

(Hands-On) Write instructions for how to do something you know how to do, such as recipe, a life skill, a game  or sport, an art of craft project, or even your method of language learning.

(Logical) Create a persuasive piece of writing that logically argues a point. It doesn’t have to be about a serious or controversial topic. For example, you can defend your prediction for the next season of your favorite show, or what would happen if some fantasy or sci-fi concept were real (maybe a good  way to practice the conditional tense if you’re studying a language that has one), or why your best friend is awesome.

(Collaborative) Use  a language learning social media app like HelloTalk. Comment on posts and  make your own.

(Read/Write) Write a summary of something you’ve read in your target language. You can either read in your native language and summarize in your target language, or do both parts in your target language.

(Personal) Write a journal entry in your target language, talking about how your day or week has been or what you are thinking and feeling. (Alternate: Write about one of your memories.)

(Creative) Write a small story in your target language. It can be about whatever you want, and it doesn’t have to be very long or detailed. You can (option 1) write it as prose, which could be better to practice description and narration or to focus on a particular verb tense, or in (option 2) a script style which could be better to practice conversational language.

Listening

(Visual) Watch a video with narration that describes it, such as a nature documentary, an instructional  video such as a cooking video, or a video reviewing something.

(Auditory) Find an online stream of a radio station. Pay attention to both the music and what the announcers say.

(Hands-On) Watch a video demonstrating a craft project, recipe or other task and follow the instructions.

(Logical) Watch or listen to a mystery story and try to solve it before the characters do. This can be a whole movie or novel-length audiobook if you want, but it doesn’t have to be; even an  episode of something like Scooby Doo should work.

(Collaborative) Exchange audio with someone else learning your target language, or a native speaker learning your language.

(Read/Write) Watch a video or listen to a piece of audio and take notes on what you learn.

(Personal) Watch a dub of a piece of media you are familiar with, such as your favorite childhood movie.

(Creative) Option 1: Listen to a story or other piece of audio and  illustrate it. / Option 2: Listen to a song and make up a new verse.

Speaking

(Visual) Make a video of yourself showing something and talking about it, for  example a tour of your home or neighborhood, a review of something, or a video about your pet.

(Auditory) Listen to a piece of audio and try to repeat what you hear. You don’t have to pause  after every word and repeat it, it’s probably better to go at least sentence  by sentence or with parts even longer so you can keep things in context.

(Hands-On) Explain to someone, or record yourself explaining, how to do something, possibly while demonstrating.

(Logical) Record  yourself explaining, and possibly demonstrating, how something works, such as a science concept.

(Collaborative) Record yourself explaining a concept you’re learning, like a grammar topic or how to use a particular word.

(Read/Write) Read out loud and record yourself.

(Personal) Make a recording of yourself talking about something that’s important to you  or a memory or anecdote you have. (Alternate: Make a vlog entry (even if you don’t have a vlog to put it on) talking about your day.)

(Creative) Record yourself telling a story, or tell one in person to someone.

Vocabulary (Most of these, with the exception of the first two, can be done with any vocabulary list you want.)

(Visual) Choose a page from a visual dictionary to study. One way you can do this is by studying the words and then covering  the labels with sticky notes or whiting them out on a copy and trying to fill in the blanks.

(Auditory) Choose  a song in your target language, and look up and study any unfamiliar words in it.

(Hands-On) Option 1: Use your vocabulary list as a scavenger hunt list. This works well if you have a lot of nouns and adjectives on the list. For everyday household items, you can look for the literal items on the list, while if they’re more obscure you can look for pictures or other representations of them. / Option 2: Act out the words on your list. This works well for verbs and adverbs, as well as more abstract  nouns or adjectives like emotions. You can record video of yourself doing this and later look back at the video to try to guess the words.

(Logical) Option 1: Make a crossword puzzle using your vocab list. If you write the words and clues, there are tools online that will build the puzzle itself for you, or you can do that by hand on graph paper if you prefer. You can either wait a while and then solve your own puzzle to see how much you remember, or give it to another language learner to solve an ask them to make one for you to solve. / Option 2: Look into the etymological history of the words to find out why they mean what they mean and whether they have any connections to words in your own language.

(Collaborative) Create a vocab list post around a theme, including words you are studying as well as any related words you already know. Include any resources that you think  would be useful to someone using the list, such as sample sentences, pictures, or whatever else you want.

(Read/Write) Try to write a small story or other piece of writing using as many of your vocab words as you can.

(Personal) Write  a sentence about what you think of each thing on your vocabulary list.

(Creative) Try to write an interesting sentence using each word on your vocabulary list. (Alternate: Illustrate each word on your vocabulary list. You can do this on index cards if you want, to make illustrated flash cards.)

Grammar

(Visual) Create a color or shape coded system to classify a concept like verb tenses or noun gender. For example, you can read  through a piece of text and highlight all of the verbs using a different color for each tense, or you can make flash cards with your vocabulary words and mark them with different symbols depending on the gender.

(Auditory) Grammar is a common topic for educational songs. Find a one intended for kids who speak your target language.

(Hands-On) Using words on sticky notes or index cards, build sentences that demonstrate grammatical concepts. If you have access to some of those little word magnets in your target language, those would probably work great for this, but if not (and I know I don’t) you can write various words, affixes, etc. on index cards or sticky notes, or use your existing flashcards if you have them.

(Logical) Create a table, chart, or diagram of a grammatical concept you’re studying.

(Collaborative) Write a post explaining a grammar topic you are learning.

(Read/Write) Read through a text, to find (and maybe highlight, circle, etc.) examples of a grammatical concept, then write more examples.

(Personal) Write about a part of your life that corresponds to the grammar topic you are studying. For example, for the future  tense, you can write about your plans or hopes.

(Creative) Write a small story relying on the grammatical concept you’re studying.

Pronunciation

(Visual) Look up diagrams of how to pronounce sounds you struggle with. These can be found as images or in an animated form in YouTube videos, and usually show what your tongue, teeth, etc. are supposed to be doing when you pronounce the sound.

(Auditory) Find a recording of a native speaker, record yourself saying the same thing, and listen for differences.

(Hands-On) Try to pronounce some tongue twisters or other pronunciation-based challenges.

(Logical) Try  learning the linguistic names of sounds you work with, and look into how they  compare to other sounds. Wikipedia has articles about the different sounds that can exist in languages and tables showing how they are used in various languages.

(Collaborative) Record yourself reading something that contains sounds you struggle with and post it for feedback, possibly on an app like HelloTalk.

(Read/Write) Look  at the written IPA pronunciations (these can be found on Wiktionary) of words you learn and look up what the symbols mean.

(Personal) Sing along to songs you like in the language, especially (for the personal category) nostalgic ones or ones meaningful to you.

(Creative) Write a tongue twister using words that are difficult for you to pronounce and practice saying it.

Cultural Context

(Visual) Explore a museum website in your target language. The museum should be located somewhere where your target language is spoken, but it up to you whether you want to look at an art museum, a science or history museum, or something else. Look at the exhibits and read the descriptions.

(Auditory) Create a playlist with traditional, classic and modern songs in various genres that either were invented in or popular in a place where your target language is spoken. Ideally using resources in your  target language, learn about the songs and genres.

(Hands-On) Using  resources in your target language, learn how to do or make something from a culture that speaks it. For example, you can look up a recipe, a tutorial for a dance style, the rules to a game, or how to make an art or craft project. (Make sure the thing you pick is being openly shared by  members of the culture it came from.)

(Logical) In your target language, learn about a scientist / inventor / etc. from somewhere the language is  spoken. Learn about their work, with explanations of what they invented or discovered, and if you want, find out other information about their life too.

(Collaborative) Comment  on or otherwise interact with the blog/YouTube channel/etc. of a native speaker,  after you read or watch it, of course. (You don’t need to receive a reply to check off this box, because that part is not under your control.)

(Read/Write) Try reading a significant work of (children’s or adult) literature in your target language.

(Personal) Learn about something relevant to your job/hobby from where your target language is spoken, using resources in the language.

(Creative) Read  about artistic or literary themes,  movements or eras where the language is spoken, and  create something (it can be something  simple) using those concepts.

[Image: The title “Language Learning Checkerboard Challenge” above a purple 8x8 table. The information contained in the table is repeated above.]

[zhuhongs]

Ultimately, no matter how well I hit it off with someone via text messages and dms.. none of that can translate into any substantial romantic relationship unless I've had an actual voice conversation with them which is why online dating and dating apps will never be anything but a waste of time. Like yes I've had substantial important friendships with ppl solely online l but if I cant talk to u and hear your voice every once and a while like.. the connection isnt the same which is why apps like tinder will always be a waste of time and I rlly dont have the time to seek out any new relationships rn bc I have a whole slew of personally issues from years of living in an abusive household that i havent fully unpacked yet bc like.. I've only been outside of that situation for two years and I've made Incredible progress in those 2 years. It's not enough to do a lifetime of internalized problems spanning from communication to self worth to motivation to like... everything so even if I did rlly like someone. It wouldnt be fair to them if we dated now bc something from my past would bog us down and lead to unnecessary heartache and I'm just not here for that!! I can wait and when im ready then I will have a good fulfilling relationship with everyone around me more and that's okay. Bc it's worth the investment. My happiness is worth that and yes it sucks rn during the meanwhile when im figuring things out but in 5 years I'll be glad I waited and no amount of guilt I currently feel can fix that. Good fucking morning!