#Staring at this man while thinking about how in 4 years of rping him he has yet to befriend a single person outside of Wammy's.

[writteninsunshine]

Let Your Colors Fill My World 001/003 - Axel/Zexion - SFW

Title: Let Your Colors Fill My World

Author: Donnie

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy VII

Setting: Various

Pairing: Axel/Zexion

Characters: Axel, Zexion, Vexen, Reno, Xigbar

Genre: Romance/Humor

Rating: T

Chapters: 1/3

Word Count: 4323

Type Of Work: Chapter Fic, Part of the Run To Me series

Status: Incomplete

Warnings: Gay, Slash, Yaoi, MLM, Secret Relationship, AU - Modern AU, AU - College AU, ABO Dynamics, Mating, No major smut, Vexen is Zexion’s Father, Xigbar Adopted Axel Reno and Marluxia

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything except Axel’s cat Pandora and Zexion’s cats D’Artagnan and Hamlet.

Summary: A thirty kisses meme for Axel and Zexion with an ABO college AU.

AN: Hey guys, it’s me again! Just thought I ought to say, if you want vague updates and to talk to me more, I have Twitter and Tumblr, too! Twitter is Sunshinecackle, and Tumblr is Writteninsunshine! I also have a writing Discord that is currently pretty dead. xD I can PM it to people who want it on FFN, for everyone else, it’s here: https://discord.gg/FyaWw25

I really got into this ship on accident after rping with my husband and it happened on accident. I really can’t help myself, I needed more of them. I hope you guys don’t mind. Here we go!

Let Your Colors Fill My World Chapter Two

Kingdom Hearts Fic Masterlist

Chapter One: Reminded Of Your Pretty Eyes

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(1. Look Over Here)

“And then you-- Axel?” Zexion passed a hand over Axel’s face with a frown, before finally leaning forward and kissing him. That seemed to help get his head back in the game, and the elder man leaned in to chase his lips. Zexion nipped him softly with his teeth and shook his head, “How much of that did you space out for?”

“Huh?” Axel blinked a little bit, staring at him, “What do you mean?” 

“You were zoning out. You’re as bad as Roxas.” Zexion rolled his eyes, smiling slightly as he leaned forward, “No wonder you have to be tutored. Apparently you can’t focus unless I touch you. You’re so tactile.”

“What’s that mean?” It wasn’t like Zexion didn’t insult him occasionally, but he didn’t think right now would be the best time. Was that even an insult? Zexion’s entire vocabulary was way higher than his, despite the younger man being three years younger than him.

“You like to be touched.” Zexion stroked his bare palm over Axel’s cheek and the elder man purred, causing him to roll his eyes again. “You need to focus or you’re going to fail this class. You can’t go into accounting if you can’t even pass the basics.”

“I don’t really think I’m going to fail just because I--”

“If you can’t handle the basics, you will fail.” Zexion sighed, straightening up from where he had settled to lean against the table. Crawling into his lap, he scooted into the best possible position to continue. “Will you listen, now?”

“I-- Y-Yes.” Axel murmured into his hair, pressing his nose to the nape of the other’s neck, “I can do it.”

“Then let’s try again.” Zexion took a deep breath. “Now, let’s see… We’ll start back here,” He began, pointing to a page he turned to in the other’s textbook. Axel knew he was in for a long afternoon.

(2. News; Letter)

[Text To: Fire In The Hole] You are never going to guess what happened.

[Text To: Sexion] Wut? Good or bad?

[Text To: Fire In The Hole] What do you think?

[Text To: Sexion] It’s hard 2 tell with u.

[Text To: Fire In The Hole] Meet me at the fence.

Axel was in his backyard in a matter of minutes, and he could almost hear the vibrating of the sixteen-year-old on the other side. Pushing back the broken plank, Axel’s jade eyes met wide cobalt as the younger teen grinned at him.

“Woah, you look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.” That was something Xigbar had definitely taught him to say. “What’s up?”

“Radiant Garden accepted me to join the Biochem program.” Zexion kept his voice down, but he nearly looked like he could jump for joy. “I’ll be able to begin working in the lab Vexen works for in my second semester.”

“That’s great, Zex,” Axel grinned, crouched in the corner of the yard, “I’m really happy for you.” Even if that meant his boyfriend would probably have to take even more time away from him for studying. 

“You sound sad. Didn’t think you’d be my main focus forever, did you, Axel?” He teased, sitting on his knees and scooting close, “Do you need reassurance?” Axel often needed his attention to prove that he was important. 

“For what?” Axel tried to laugh, rubbing his hair down against his neck as he scooted closer to face him better, “What are you going to do when you start going to school? Get drunk and mate someone else your first day?”

“Oh, hardly,” Zexion cackled, hiding his amusement beneath his hand, “You’re the only person I can feasibly see myself being even remotely nude around, so you shouldn’t worry. Come here.” Pushing more at the loose plank, he pressed the bridge of his nose to the top of the hole. 

Axel eagerly scooted closer, kissing the smaller’s lips and melting into the feeling of it. That was probably better for easing his worries than anything Zexion could have said. 

“Anyway, don’t you go to RGU? What sort of partying have you been doing?” Zexion accused playfully when he pulled back, leaving Axel wanting, chasing his lips.

“Getting tutored by a sixteen-year-old.” Axel replied, “And I’m in the math department. Biochem is on the opposite side of campus.”

“Well, we’ll have to meet in the middle for lunch.” Zexion told him, “I’ll let you know what my schedule is when I get it. Maybe we can even talk Vexen into letting you be my ride.”

“I doubt it.” Axel chuckled, “But a little hope never killed anyone.”

(3. Jolt!)

How long had he been sitting outside of McDuck’s Ice Cream Parlor, now? Zexion was sure that he was going to be waiting all day. If Axel kept him there alone much longer, he’d be forced to start eating before he arrived. Sighing, he placed his elbow on the table and his head in his hand as he closed his eyes, pulling a small paperback of Of Mice And Men from his jacket pocket and began to read. The pressed flower bookmark he had had in it made him smile. A birthday gift from Axel when he’d been eleven, something he had kept in pristine condition all this time.

After a few minutes’ worth of reading, he glanced at his phone. Axel had said that that was where they were going to meet… Maybe he was waiting inside. Sighing again and starting to get up, he jolted instead when he felt hands on his hips.

“There you are.” Axel grinned, happy to take the elbow to the chest that had been apparently waiting for him. He chuckled, unable to help himself.

“Hey! Don’t do that!” Zexion exclaimed, frowning, turning fully to face him and placing both hands on his hips, knocking Axel’s grubby hands from them. “You know I detest being surprised!”

“I couldn’t help myself!” Axel chuckled, holding his hands up in a placating gesture as Zexion bopped his shoulder with his palm. “Okay, okay. At least I didn’t use this?” He held up a pen that suddenly looked menacing.

“What is that?” Zexion asked, unamused.

“It’s one of those shocker pen things. Reno boosted it and got me with it.” Axel explained, earning a bristled scowl from Zexion, “I wouldn’t do that to you, Bunny, don’t worry.”

“You had best not.” Zexion answered easily, “If you want me to buy you lunch, still.” 

“I won’t, I won’t.” Axel laughed softly, leaning down to kiss his lips. Zexion knocked his hair into his face, leaving Axel to kiss it against his cheek, and he sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be for even considering it.” Zexion flipped his hair back, looking up at him and finally smiled softly, “Let’s get your ice cream. I can’t believe your dad lets you eat that for lunch.” He chuckled, knowing that Vexen would have his head for even thinking about it.

“Okay, okay.” Axel smiled, leaning down again and surprising Zexion with an actual kiss on the lips, “Let’s get lunch. Plus, this place has burgers and stuff, so we can get real food, first.” But only if Zexion made him.

“You and I both know that Vexen won’t think of that as food.” Zexion laughed, pushing at the elder’s face and turning to enter McDuck’s Ice Cream Parlor. Axel was quick to follow, taking his hand once inside the building.

(4. Our Distance And That Person)

It wasn’t every day that Zexion was allowed to get a ride home from someone other than Vexen. Axel had taken Xigbar’s wood-paneled station wagon to Radiant Garden University, and Vexen was working late. Zexion had simply told him he was getting a ride home from a fellow student and that he would be waiting when he arrived with dinner ready. That seemed to be enough for Vexen’s hesitant approval, and the ride home with Axel had begun.

Standing on Vexen’s front porch, with Xigbar’s station wagon parked in his own driveway, Zexion spoke in a flurry of hand motions uncharacteristic to his usually quiet demeanor. Axel hadn’t heard the end of the supposed idiot in Zexion’s Shakespearian Literature class, and it didn’t seem like it would let up any time soon. Catching one of Zexion’s hands, Axel tugged him in for a gentle kiss that caught him off guard and stopped his tirade for the first time in twenty minutes.

“I get it, Zex,” Axel said softly against his mouth, “But didn’t you tell me that more than fifteen minutes of talking about stuff that pisses you off is unproductive?” He remembered it being something about being detrimental if one continued to obsess.

“Mn… And you seek to stop me?” Zexion teased with a soft smile, wrapping his arms around the other’s neck to tug him in tighter. Axel lifted him by his thighs, walking him to the porch swing and sitting down. Holding him close, he guided the smaller to tilt his head and lapped at his lips, easily being accepted as the pair kept contact, Axel’s hands sliding to his hips. With both knees folded on the sides of Axel’s thighs, Zexion scooted in until his knees touched the back of the swing.

It went on like that for a while, until Reno poked his head around the seven-foot-tall privacy fence and spoke.

“Dude, Vexen’s definitely on the block. Scatter!” 

Axel deposited Zexion on the porch swing with one final kiss and vaulted over the porch railing in record time, bounding to his side of the fence when the silver Acura NSX pulled past their other neighbor’s mailbox. Once it was parked safely in the driveway, Zexion had already gone inside to start dinner, making a rather decent run of it by chopping as fast as he could. Their chicken carbonara would be done before Vexen was ready to eat, for sure. 

Axel watched warily through a hole in the fence as Vexen paused on his doorstep, key in hand, and sniffed. The other Alpha shook his head and entered the house without a word, leaving him sighing softly, sinking down the fence.

“That was close.” Reno commented absently, arms crossed as he looked down at his twin, “I’d say it’s time you convince Zexion to convince Vexen to let him get a dorm room. Maybe then you wouldn’t have to run away every time he got close.”

“I’d still have to run if he came to visit.” Axel replied, “And you can bet that Zexion would get his own room to himself, too. Vexen’s program is incredibly pricey, I hear.”

“Except for the one kid he ushered in without a test.” Reno reminded, “So Zexion’ll get a cozy little love nest for you two that Vexen has access to. So I guess just be careful and don’t take off your shoes.”

“My-- Reno!” Smacking his twin in the thigh, Axel hoisted himself up to his feet and started for the house. “Shut it, you and I both know Zexion wouldn’t tolerate dirt in his room.” Shoes weren’t allowed in his house, they wouldn’t be allowed in his dorm room.

“I know, I know. Clean freak begets clean freak.” Reno paused, “Did I use that right or are you going to go full ham on me?”

“Oh my God,” Axel groaned, “I think you used it right but I’ll be sure to ask.”

“Dude, no!”

“Then don’t try me.”

“I totally helped you, dude, you guys were playing tonsil hockey and you would have gotten killed with an icicle if Vex would have caught you.” Reno murmured, crossing his arms, “So you should be thanking me.”

“Thanks for saving my life.” Axel started, “But you’re being an ass. The dorm room thing is a good idea, though, so I guess I’ll give you that.”

“Finally, point Reno!”

“Yeah, Reno, one, everyone else, a lot more.”

“Shut it, Axe.” Reno groaned, pushing open the door, “Pulled him off the neighbor, dad, we’re good to go for dinner!”

(5. "Ano Sa…" ("Hey, You Know…."))

“I’ve been thinking about moving out to campus.” Axel began one evening, dipping his french fry in his chocolate milkshake and taking a bite, “What do you think?”

Zexion took a long draw from his coffee malt, pursing his lips around the straw and frowning finally when he swallowed and it dropped from his lips. After a moment, he looked over the red lacquered table, their homework spread beside their blue baskets of burgers and fries, sighing heavily.

“So you’d elect to move away from me?” He asked, already regretting the question when it left him. Axel looked heartbroken for a split second before trying on a hesitant smile.

“Well, it would give us more time to be together.” Axel told him easily, leaning forward animatedly, “You could come by my room and we could do whatever we want.” Winking playfully, he waggled his eyebrows and Zexion snorted.

“Provided your roommate doesn’t complain.”

“Well, I'll have to deal with that, not you.”

“What if he says something to the school? Vexen will find out--”

“Vexen won't find out. Trust me, babe, this will be better for us.” Axel tried, reaching across the table and taking his hand. Zexion held it limply, not convinced. Anxiety permeated his scent and all Axel wanted to do was scent him to calm him down.

“I suppose it’s something to think about.” Zexion acquiesced finally, sighing softly as he closed his eyes and took another sip of his malt. After a squeeze to Axel’s hand, they fell into relative silence, seemingly as Axel started to think.

“Hey, you know…” Axel began around a bite of his burger, a glare from Zexion making him swallow before he continued, “What if you got a dorm?” 

“What?”

“You’re sixteen now, and Vexen’s on the school board.” Axel told him, “I doubt he’d let you share a room with a stranger, he doesn’t even let you come over to my house.” He pointed out, “So you wouldn’t have to worry about a roommate unless you wanted me to stay over with you.”

That thought had Zexion chewing over his thoughts, another bite of his burger behind him before he spoke once more. Axel found it endearing that he always chewed thoroughly and swallowed before he spoke. That wasn’t common in his house.

“I suppose you have a very valid point.” He finally admitted, drinking down more of the coffee malt he’d found was his favorite at this establishment, “Though convincing him to let me get a room here might be a bit more difficult.”

“How many times have you made and presented Powerpoints to him that have worked?” Axel asked with a sly grin, leaning over the table and nearly uprooting his milkshake in the process, “I know you can do this.” He kissed the other’s cheek, then his lips, and sat back on his side of the booth. “You’ve got this, babe. I wouldn’t steer you wrong.”

“Perhaps not on purpose.” Zexion chuckled, wiping absently at his lips with a napkin. “Very well. I will begin work tonight when I am home. This should be interesting, surely, because Vexen has as of yet decided that I will live at home until I’m his age.”

“You’re never going to catch up to him.” Axel laughed softly, rolling his eyes, “Well, maybe we can convince him that you need to spread your wings, test out being on your own. He won’t be around forever, after all.”

“Indeed.” Even if Reno often said that he was older than dirt. “I’ll have to talk him into it.”

“If anyone can do it, it’s you, kid genius.”

(6. The Space Between Dream And Reality)

“I can’t believe it.” Zexion told him through the fence, leaning on the back wall of it as he sighed dreamily, “My own dorm room, sans medical equipment and a parental figure.”

“It’s going to be so great. I can help you decorate.” Axel sounded more relieved than anything because maybe this was the real start to this five-year-long relationship. Their anniversary was coming up, and he thought it would be good to try and do something for it. Maybe this year they could actually celebrate. 

“You can move in, if you want.” Zexion laughed softly, trying to keep his voice down, “I wouldn’t mind having you as a roommate.”

“Vexen would flip his shit.” Axel chuckled, “But I’d like to stay with you as much as I can. I can’t wait to get you to myself.”

“I suppose one Powerpoint was an awfully cheap price to pay for a little freedom and a lot more time with you. But it had better not interfere with my studying and work.” Zexion leveled a finger and wagged it at the other’s face through the hole in the fence.

“You look just like him when you do that. I’m sure he’s proud.” Axel rolled his eyes playfully, scooting towards the broken plank and pressing his cheeks to the wood, pursing his lips. “I won’t, I promise.”

“And you’ll seal it with a kiss?” Zexion chuckled, moving to his knees to place a soft peck on the other’s lips. “Then you had best not fall through on this promise. I need to maintain my studies.”

“I know, I know.” Axel leaned in for another kiss, “You have to maintain contact with me, too. Maybe you can study in my lap, and I’ll just hold you while you work.”

“That… Sounds rather nice, actually.��And brought a heavy blush to his cheeks, to boot.

“You’re beautiful,” Axel said that way too often for Zexion’s comfort, but he accepted the compliment with a tilt of his head to hide his face in his hair. “I honestly think I could--”

“Zexion! What are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be packing?” Vexen’s voice signaled the end of their rendezvous, and Axel dutifully closed the loose plank so that he wouldn’t be seen. 

“I’ll text you.” He whispered before disappearing into his house, and Zexion rose from his spot behind the strawberry bushes to enter the house.

“Yes, I know, Vexen. I was just taking a moment in the backyard, I needed some fresh air.”

“Well, you should know better than to take breaks before your toiling starts,” Vexen began, guiding him into the house with a sigh. The screen door slammed shut behind him, but he closed the inner door gentler, leading his son to his room, where boxes awaited him. He was going to have to take his time, even if he wanted to throw everything in the boxes. If he didn’t, his OCD wouldn’t give him a break.

(7. Superstar)

“No, no, no.” Zexion frowned a little bit as he placed his hands on his hips, weight shifting to his right foot, “That isn’t going up.”

“Oh, come on, Zex, he’s a good musician. Have to support our friends.” Axel pouted, holding up the poster that he and Demyx had made together so he could feel special. “He’s a regular superstar.”

“And he doesn’t get along with me very well.” Zexion pointed out, “I’m not going to stare at Demyx while you’re not here. I said ‘no’. Demyx is your friend, not mine.” 

“Okay, okay, jeez.” Axel rubbed a hand through his hair, “I just thought--”

“You thought wrong.” Zexion crossed his arms, “Plus, I know he likes you. That doesn’t help.”

“He does?”

“He does.” Crossing the room to where his poster of the elements had hung up a minute ago, he placed it back on the wall and tacked it back into place. “And I don’t want the reminder every time I look at this wall.”

“Okay, I see your point.” Axel sighed, rolling the poster back up and putting it in his bag. “I’m sorry.”

“...You don’t have to be. I know he’s your friend.” Zexion crossed the room to his bed, sitting down. “Come here.”

Axel listened, walking to him and sitting beside him, head down. Zexion carefully reached over, taking his chin in hand and bringing him forth for a kiss. 

“I'm sorry. I just… We really don’t get on well and I don’t really want to see him every time you’re here…” And if Axel got used to staring at Demyx, he might leave. Zexion was always anxious about that because Axel had so many options that were probably better than him.

“It’s okay, babe, I promise. I don’t want to stress you out more.” Living by himself was already bothering the younger teen, and Axel didn’t need to add to that. “I promise, it’s okay.”

“Okay… Thank you for understanding.”

“Of course.” Axel smiled softly, holding his free hand and kissing him again. “Try not to worry so much. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

(8. Our Own World)

The fairie lights around the bed were a good touch, and even Axel could appreciate them. They made Zexion’s cobalt eyes sparkle as he looked at up Axel, laying in his bed laden with pillows and blankets like the veritable king he was in his palace. He lay with his head on a cat-themed pillow, one hand curled by his face and the other on his hip. It was a beautiful look on him, and Axel’s breath was caught in his throat. 

“Axel?” Zexion asked softly, head tilting a little bit, “You’re staring.”

“You’re beautiful.” Axel purred happily, reaching forward to brush some hair from his face, “You made your room pretty beautiful, too.” 

“Thanks.” Blushing a little bit, Zexion nuzzled his nose against Axel’s hand and kissed his palm.

“I love you,” Axel said softly, leaning forward to kiss his lips. “I really do.”

“I… I love you, too.” Zexion replied against his lips, and he nuzzled their noses together, “I’m so glad that you do.” He was always thankful for it.

Despite Vexen trying to tear them apart, the couple was happy to float in their own little world, oblivious to the elder man’s attempts to drive them away from each other.

(9. Dash)

Zexion opened the door to his dorm with his bag on his shoulder, only to find Axel fumbling with his keys. Blinking a couple of times in rapid succession, he looked up at him with a curious glint in his eyes.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was coming to see you between classes.” Axel replied, “But you look like you’re leaving?”

“I have a class in fifteen.” He replied, laughing softly, “So it’s a bad time. I’m not missing Vexen’s class.”

“Oh, shit, yeah..” Rubbing his hair, Axel blushed slightly, “I’ll come back, then.”

Leaning up on his tiptoes, Zexion pursed his lips, and Axel leaned in to kiss him lovingly. 

“Gotta run.” Patting his shoulder, Zexion laughed softly as he made his mad dash to Vexen’s class.

“Wait,” Axel started, sucking his own lips into his mouth, “I could walk you most of the way to class?” He offered, clearly wanting to spend at least some time with Zexion. He liked to see him off to class, anyway, making sure the younger man got to class safely. 

Zexion considered it, tapping his lower lip with his pointer finger, and finally nodded. “As long as I’m not late, I don’t mind.”

The pair walked together in companionable silence, Axel humming a song stuck in his head as he held the other’s hand. Leading the way to the science building, Zexion leaned his head on the other’s arm, closing his eyes for a second. The crisp fall air was chilly and he was thankful for his scarf, even if it was almost too big and chunky.

“I love the fall.” Zexion murmured, a couple leaves crunching under his boots, “It’s so relaxing…”

“Plus, you love Halloween.” Axel pointed out, “And all things spooky.”

“I do, don’t I?” Zexion chuckled, shaking his head as they arrived at the building. Leaning up on his toes, he delighted in Axel leaning down to kiss him again.

“You do,” Axel replied against his lips, holding the other close as they shared in another long kiss. Zexion didn’t realize how long they had been kissing until his phone began to sing, reminding him that he had a minute left to make it to class. Eyes popping open wide, he pecked Axel’s lips once more before ducking around him.

“I’m almost late! See you later!” He called over his shoulder, rushing into the building to try and make it to Vexen’s class on time.

(10. #10)

“I can’t believe Luxord won’t bet against you. He bets against everyone.” Axel sighed softly, shaking his head. “It’s like he’s scared, he was so adamant about it.”

Everyone had gathered at Luxord’s house for poker that night, and Vexen had brought Zexion along. He played the game like Luxord did, counting cards and folding a lot in the beginning, but in the end, he’d left with everyone’s munny. 

“I think he just knows my tricks to play, he knows I’m the best and he won’t take the bet against me because we’d never finish playing.” Zexion smiled slightly, flicking his hair out of his face, watching Axel as he adjusted something on Zexion’s desk.

“You were cheating, weren’t you?”

“I still won the pot.” He replied, shrugging slightly as he placed a few more books on his desk. Zexion was always reading in his spare time, and Axel liked how he smelled like an old library all the time. But he was giving a nonanswer, and Axel knew that that meant that he had definitely cheated.

“That you did.” Axel chuckled, slouching slightly as he paced the room towards the other, taking his waist with his hands. Turning him, Axel kissed him softly on the lips. “But did you have to take all my munny, too?”

“Yes. That’s the point of poker.” He chuckled, “I’ll buy us dinner to celebrate?”

“Yeah, that sounds good. I think I want pizza.”

“Pizza sounds excellent.” 

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AN: There we go, part one is finished! It took a little longer than I’d like, but I still like how these are coming out. I hope you guys enjoyed it!

Prompts: Thirty Kisses Theme Set 1

[cerebusfire17]

Still curiouser and curiouser

I still don’t fucking get it and it’s driving me nuts. I could make millions of assumptions a day, and yet I know they’re only what I could possibly believe ***** did it for this reason or that.

And the only good reason I have is my husband--specifically, my relationship with him, as well as my daughter. Everything got worse when I got pregnant with my daughter, especially after the 12wk mark.

It’s the only thing I keep coming back to that makes the most logical sense, as well as something that happened a while ago that I totally forgot about. When we were still cool a few month ago, ***** wanted to do an RP with me on IWaikurp.com or whatever the hell it is right? We wanted to do a FF VII fanfic because we both love the game (She introduced me to it).

Everything was going good, until we got to Cloud and Sephiroth. She had Sephiroth opening the doors, with her same style: something relaxed without much intrigue, but just enough information to keep you curious. I wrote the next part, as Cloud, describing his day and then his reaction to seeing Sephiroth trying to open the door.

She tells me, after that entry and letting the RP get frozen, that she doesn’t want to write with me anymore, because I’m “too aggressive” of a writer..... And I would agree with that assessment, except the way I’m writing now is the same style I’ve written since we first exchanged stories in High school. 

The reason, I believe, she didn’t want to write anymore, was because I actual take the time to write and make a story a fucking story. It wasn’t until I actually started to put my own style into the story rather than just write random words to continue a scene that bothered her, which was weird because she was asking me to lead and to come up with ideas the entire time. We were both working on the story, but when it came down to it, everything that we had written so far (if it’s still up) was based on everything I thought up, not her. She would ask, “what should we do here?” and I would say “Uh, idk, kill a whore, yaoi, Cid cursing ridiculously for tea--take your pick!”

I would always end up inviting her to give some sort of idea to the story, but it was like hitting a brick fucking wall. There was a girl I once knew named Harlie I tried to do an RP with. I kept us stuck in the church. 

I understand why Harlie hates me so much now, but at least Harlie had the balls to say to my face, so she has my respect.

But ***** never gave anything. She never gave any ideas, never stuck with her ideas, never tried to inspire me to try and do something different. Everything became my idea, and after a while, I decided “Fuck it, I’m writing the way I normally write. I want my characters to have a powerful voice when I write about them.” And I will give you an example: Erizen--

“Tall, fraile to the eyes and unsettling to the stomach, this man walked through the streets with a silent vengeance, and reason to search for something he had been missing. Violet eyes met the strangers all around him: the vendors, the customers, the by-passers, the traffic, the police that gave him a glaring stare. Did I appear that suspicious, he wondered. He kept his eyes beneath the rim of the wet hat on his head, protecting his spectacles from the heavy rain that always followed him, no matter the time or place, or maybe the rain was all in his head. He was never too sure how real or illusory the world around him was. One of his soaked, pruned fingers pressed his spectacles back up onto his nose, before he reached the dinner. He just wanted something to eat. It had been so long, he couldn’t remember the last time food even tasted good to him. He was so used to eating quickly unitl he was full, until he was able to roam again and quickly. He was never prone to stick around to make friends or enemies.”

THAT’S HOW I WRITE ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! I’ve attempted to work and polish and have my work critisized by strangers and people who I thought liked books but turned out they thought they could get into my pants, which was like “ew!”. I’ve worked my ass off to make my writing as nice as I can get it. I write descriptively surrounding the story. Me, slowing and handicapping myself for my friend just so she doesn’t feel intimidated by my practice and art, doesn’t help me or her. She wants to be a writer too, but if she can’t handle RPing with someone with an “aggressive” writing style, how is she going to handle it when people actually read her publications and realize that she hasn’t polished her work yet?

And I’m not saying she’s a bad writer or anything. It’s nothing like that, but it’s like she got so much WORSE! It’s like she doesn’t even care enough about her characters enough to make them feel like real fucking people. she just writes them for scenes. I’ve tried to give her criticism on her writing, like “you can try this with your character,” or “Make this person like someone you really hate and that will make them an interesting villain,” and she would blow me off every time, but would expect me to take everything she said with a pound a gold rather than a grain of salt. the only time she would see her advice was if I was writing directly to her, or in one of the 4 drafts I sent her with separate endings. IRONICALLY, it was the work without her advice that she enjoyed the most--the work that i specifically lied about--and then she would assume the work WITH her advice was my own and try to tell me how to improve it.

It was one of the first ways I found out that she didn’t pay attention to a fucking thing I ever said or did.

But it’s always been like this with her. When it came to Magic: the Gathering, we couldn’t play anymore because she didn’t want to lose--something about when her father would win a game, he would rub it in her and her brother’s face, which is like “okay, but I’m not your dad, so....”--and actually yelled at me the first time we ever played because she didn’t win. Every video game we would play together that was multiplayer was MMORPGs, with was more about developing the self rather than competitive algorithmic skills in a computing setting with victory defined by who uses the best combinations of correct codes the fastest and most efficiently. 

Which is fucking weird, because she would play those games with everyone else and lose graciously. I could be like not even half a step closer to the finish line and she’ll give up in the middle of it. And it’s not like I’m talking shit or anything (because she gets upset really easily and I never wanted to hurt her feelings) but I could be dead silent, and if she thought she was losing, she would throw shit. And it was irritating to the point where I didn’t even try to get her to do anything with me anymore.

all she would ever do is throw a fit when she didn’t get her way, and I was sick of it. She HATES competition. Like, a lot. A lot more than most people. A lot more than most narcissists, now come to think of it. It was her biggest pet peeve cause she never wanted to feel like a loser.... which is stupid because she is and, like the rest of us, she needs to accept that she’s a scrub ass, insignificant loser like the rest of the population. It was like anything that would make her look... er, “Secondary”, pissed her off. A lot.

And don’t get me started on the time when I was dressed better than her. I fear there were occasions were she intentionally guided me to looking like I literally lived in a cardboard box.

I keep wondering if she felt like she was in competition with my husband, as if the baby was the last straw, like she knew that my daughter would be the very thing that made her realize that I would never be with her or want her. Well, technically, after the whole “leave-your-husband-for-me” shit, she lost on that anyway. I wonder if she thought I would try to do what she did when she got married: entice my best friend into an affair and then throw an ultimatum her way just to spice things up.

But this is how I feel, not what I know, and that’s why I’ll always be wrong in this  and why I’ll never have an actual answer from this bitch, because If I’m wrong, then she never had a reason but was just looking for one, and If I’m right, then she would never tell me because that would destroy the illusion that she created, the lie, that I am the “toxic” one, that she keeps telling herself so she doesn’t lose her mind from all the guilt and regret she’ll feel eventually.

Honestly, maybe she did it on purpose more because I stopped writing all those poems and songs about her years ago. It got boring though. I can’t keep writing about a person forever, and I have other things to do. I actually stopped writing about her after she tried the shit with me while my husband was gone, now that I think about it. No, that’s a lie, I think wrote two more: for lament of emotions, of course. but after that, I was done. Maybe it was because she got sucked into the internet and I was trying to remain on planet earth? It’s hard to be a Pintrest mom when I’m a Grieving mother with bills to fucking pay. 

Maybe she just got tired of trying to be a friend to someone she didn’t want to have anything in common with? It’s not like she and I were on the same page anymore; she didn’t even tell me sorry for the death of my daughter, so obviously compassion isn’t a priority anymore. Maybe she did it hoping at some point I would keep trying so she could give me an ultimatum about our relationship? Maybe she just said nix the ultimatum and to cut off the friendship because she realized that I didn’t want her like I used to. I was happier as friends, not as lovers, and that’s the only way we would have worked.

Maybe my daughter WAS the last straw for her, which makes me feel better that she did leave, if that was the case. I had actually made a resolution for the new years to become a much better person, leave all the negativity behind, and try and do better for others--only for this cunt to pull this shit nearly two weeks later.... 

That’s the amazing thing about it all: I decided to try and be a better person for my daughter, and my best friend decides that she’s going to be a better person by emotionally and mentally damaging me because I decide to be a better fucking person.... funny how things turn out.

I keep thinking about %%%%% and ^^^^^^. I don’t see it lasting very long. Matt even says that there’s no way--not without me there anyway. He seems to think I AM the reason they are still together, as a trophy system.

Then again, I wonder about her brother. I didn’t know he had come back to WV so quickly. He’s been strung out for so long....I guess he went back to live with her until he can get back to Parkersburg or some shit. God, I tried to relate to him he could confide in me with his issues and he took offense to it because he doesn’t want to look at himself as sick and needing help.

If I do ever end up pregnant again, I’ll have to do my best to hide my child from her and her family. Which is unfortunate because I love her mother, and her brother &&&&& is cool, as well as her sister in law when she decides to actually be something. She’ll be gone soon as well, so I won’t have to worry about that angle. I don’t really trust her anyway.

She only called for my side, and I haven’t heard a word since, which makes me think the two of them are closer than what she say. Everytime i’ve tried to reach out to her, as she’s told me to do, when I get my issues and panic attacks, she ignores them and all sorts of shit. 

I’m quite tired of unreliable people, especially those who expect me to sacrifice my happiness for their egos. Doesn’t matter though, cause as soon as it happens. After it happens, it’s going to be like cutting off a popular show right in the middle of the best season, with no continuation of the show and no way to remake or reboot it--EVER. When it happens, and all finally comes to be, I know exactly who’s going to be desperate to suddenly hear my voice, and know how i’m doing, and what’s going with after it.

You’ll never know...