#Sorry that this turned out so long ajhsafjeh... If you couldn't tell I like talking about myself.

[sssssaarn]

Characters through Stories

Why I don't call myself 'plural' -- despite 'fitting' the experiences.

A sort of reflection on when I thought I was a system/plural.

All the way back in (around) 2022 to 2023, I referred to myself as a system. I had been questioning for a long time before that, but eventually came to that conclusion after talking to numerous other systems about their experiences.

Nowadays though, I do not call myself a system, or even plural at all. Why is that? The short answer is this: it simply doesn't fit.

The long answer is this: my experiences with being 'plural' mostly came down to characters and, specifically, their stories. When I get particularly attached to a character, and especially for a long time (think, 1-2 years at minimum) I would then feel like I could 'know' those characters thoughts. I labeled these experiences as 'alters' in 2022 -- because that was the closest thing I could use to describe them.

But, this was forgetting another key aspect of myself: I love writing, and I especially love writing characters. I could only 'know' these characters' thoughts after extensively writing about them. I could not just think, and they would be there. There had to be some element of narrative or story to them. Otherwise, they wouldn't come across as strongly. This might be a normal experience for some systems, as there have been weirder ways that systems had to get alters to front. But I still feel like I diverge heavily from the typical 'fronting' examples. The characters never took over my body or mind, I would only act as a sort of 'vessel' for them.

Take, for example, two characters I thought had been 'alters' of mine: the SCPs 049 and 035. These 'alters' had come up after I had read a ton of tales focused around Alagadda (which serves as a sort of backstory for both of them) as well as after I had already spent years writing fan-fiction about them (around two years straight, of fan-fiction focused solely on them). After that point where they 'cropped up' (labeled myself as a system, labeled them as alters), I could only 'front' as them when I was writing as them. I could not act in real life, if I had not been writing as them (think of it as roleplaying, or maybe even more accurately: larping).

This is where experiences of most typical plurals and my 'plural' experience diverged heavily. I did not realize that I could only 'front'/'access' these 'alters' through writing/'roleplaying', because I was trying to force a system that just did not work with me and my brain. (Not to say that the plural framework was or is useless, it just doesn't work for me.) These characters were me; or maybe it would be more accurate to say they were extensions of me. They were extensions of my writing and stories, two things that have become a central point in my life.

Writing and stories have always been there for me, and it's also the best method I have to connect with 'myself'. I started this blog specifically because writing about my experiences, thoughts, and feelings was a great way for me to understand myself more! In short: I have a way of making myself feel less lonely, of understanding myself better, but I labeled this way incorrectly, and repressed for a long time after I realized it was wrong (because no one else understood, or thought it had been labeled correctly the first time).

Recently, I've begun having this same experience with two different characters. This time however, I'm not going to force myself to act plural or like a system, or to make these two characters 'front' like alters in a system. Because they aren't, and that simply won't work for me.

I'm writing this specifically because I don't see experiences like this written about a lot. Some beings aren't and will never be plural, but will have experiences and stories like this (that they still will not want to label as plural), and so I think it's something important to talk about!

The mind is an interesting and varied thing, and I think trying to lump any and every experience under a specific label (no matter how broad its definition) will inevitably drive beings away from that community; not towards it. This is a problem I've come across repeatedly; a lot of folks are just jumping at the gun to label every person they come across as 'plural' or 'nonhuman' -- which I can understand, after all, I would love to know more plural and nonhuman beings as well! But trying to force someone to identify as something, or use a system that simply… Doesn't work for that person? It's a pitfall I think (unfortunately) a lot of alterhuman beings fall into.

There's also the fact that someone can use a label or term for a very long time -- but then after a while, discover that it just doesn't work anymore. And that's perfectly fine as well! Change is a normal part of being, and it should be normalized more in alterhuman and adjacent communities!

If I had to give a label to my experiences now, I'd probably use something more like non-plural soulbonding, or perhaps it's something connected to my daemon. But again: minds are confusing and varied, and I'm not even sure if I'll ever have a clear label or answer on 'what' I am in this regard. And you know what? That's just fine with me.