#So Fyodor Hates being praised for what he is not. He isn't all powerful or flawlessly smart

[sssarrrra]

A short analysis about BSD Fyodor Dostoevsky and the lies he tells to himself

Fyodor is a good liar. He prides himself over being able to convince anyone in anything. He enjoys knowing that he can control someone's reality and influence it to the point it will bend according to his will. And so far the biggest victim of it is… Him.

You see, Fyodor likes being helpful, knowing how to fix and problem-solve stuff. He likes having a positive impact. Why? His whole charade of "helping the Devine Being" is the only way he can convince himself to stay alive, that he's life is worthy of living, no matter how much he sins.

He is… Helping. Right? Yes, he is harming people in the present, but "future" people will thank him. And even if they don't, "God" will.

That's the lie Fyodor tells to himself to ease his consciousness. And he knows he lies, this is why he is so deeply angry, resentful and self-hating inside. But Dostoy can't stop since his ability to resist a quick-fix relief is about zero. (That's why he lashes out at the whole world for the things HE's done and keeps doing).

Aya is a perfect example. Since Fyodor inherited Bram's body he also got "infected" with his desire to protect her. And so Dostoy pretended to go alone with this desire, even kneeling in front of Aya and declaring that he would continue to fullfil his nightly duties and protect her, even if she would have to become the last surviving human on Earth.

But here we are, in the very next chapter, and Aya is alone, completely abandoned, about to be crushed by concrete bricks. And all because of the attack Fyodor unleashed. Luckily, the OG Bram shows up and Aya is fine for now.

But what does it says about Fyodor? Well, he has spent around decades bulshiting himself about what he wants. Just to make his guilt stin a little bit less, he pretends and lies even to himself.

"I'm gonna protect you, Aya" - and then he runs off without checking in on her, sabotaging his knightly duties, secretly hoping this freshly-created bond with her will disappear so it won't sabotage his frail sens of self & sanity.

Fyodor treats the world the way he treats Aya. He "saves" it by leaving it to die, and when the World doesn't die fast enough, Fyodor gives it another push and a tag.

What Dostoy is actually doing is punishing the world for NOT SAVING him. It's very likely, that the world didn't "save" Fyodor when he needed it the most (probably some parental abuse, religious trauma, adult punishing him for being a "devil" or smth).

So since the "salvation" that was offered to Fyodor was violent religion-based abuse, now he returns this salvation ten fold. To exteranlize his self-hatred, feel in control, get sense of relief, etc.

But what's interesting the Fyodor DOESN'T want to acknowledge it continuously. No, he does not.

Because Fyodor spent 100+ years banking on the fact that "God" loved him, "God" chose him, "God" gave him a mission. "God" existed. So it was ok to hurt humans for the higher purpose, because even if whole world hated Fyodor, "God" would not.

But what does Fyodor's "God" love? Perfect, beautiful stuff, that moves according to the plan. Fyodor does neither of that. He spent decades f*cking around with humanity, pushing his trauma into it's face, hoping to be "punished", hoping to be "saved".

So if Dostoy acknowledges this, he will have have to admit God won't like him. And after what he has done, no one would either. Gogol and some followers did like and admired the perfect, all-knowing version of Fyodor. The image he presented to them. But that's not him, or not all of him, at least.

"Real" Fyodor is a scared, dependent, angry, sinful human who's terrified of letting go of control so he clings to his ideology and still gives in into his sins over over.

"Real" Fyodor might not even exist. Or at least, the way he's now, he isn't be able to comprehend "what" or "who" he is either. That's why Dostoy needs his role of a "saviour-Devil" so much. That's the only way he can defy himself now.

And knowing that would break him. Because Fyodor still cares about his place amidst humanity. He cherishes his title "Demon" as if it's a compliment. He WANTS to be acknowledged for the impact he has on the world. He wants to have a cause.

Fyodor sayid to the Nikolai that he "didn't need praise". But it was a lie as well. He just needed a very specific, tailor-made praise for his ego. He wanted to be praised for being a "martyr", who "tortured" himself by becoming sinful. He wanted to be reunited with humanity, embraced by it, but since it was impossible on Earth, he wanted to send everyone to Heaven. That's the price he expected from the "God" for purifying humanity. Being among humans again. Being a human who's valued and loved by everyone else.

But what if his sky-daddy didn't give it to him? What if he didn't care? That would be scary. So Fyodor keeps happily skipping around, causing world-wide distraction, hoping that it eventually amounts to something. Something wounderful.

You know how Jesus turned water into wine?

Bsd Fyodor aims for something higher. He does all of this violence, hoping that it will miraculously save everyone. And save him. Somehow.

English is not my first, sorry for typos

I put "God" in quotation marks, because Fyodor's "God" isn't everyone's God or any kind of devine being. It's something completely different.