#She’s kind of a play on those people who like. Look forward to dying because they get to go to heaven!!!

[eff-plays]

Long Taash storyline rant by an enby 2, electric boogaloo

I think I finally figured out what to say about Taash's storyline so walk with me here.

It smacks a little bit of white lib homonationalism. If you don't know what homonationalism is, it's when Western countries see themselves as enlightened for being "more" accepting of queer folks compared to other cultures, and when this is used to justify racist (particularly anti-immigrant) politics. Usually you'll have far-right wackos claiming to be so so so pro-gay rights that they simply MUST keep the immigrants away in order to protect those sweet fragile white gays, who will surely be totally fine under a fashy regime.

Now, I'm not a sociologist and I might be talking out of my ass by making this connection. But as a nonbinary, non-white first generation immigrant, who was raised by a single mother who wanted to be free of the politics of her home country and thus moved in order to create a better future for me, when I played the Taash storyline, I got the distinct feeling that the writer of it either had a blissfully conflict-free coming out, or that they have no idea how complex the interplay of identity and culture can be. Or that they're a white lib who thinks getting somebody's pronouns right is more important than being an open-minded and fundamentally compassionate human being at heart.

Thing is, I understand what they were going for, kind of. In isolation. It was supposed to be a tragic death where Shathann finally revealed that she accepted her child as they were, right before dying, and it left Taash feeling like they were cut off from her when things were finally looking like they could be fixed. At least they know their mother loved and accepted them at the end, which makes it bittersweet, right?

But that's kind of what pisses me off about this, y'see. Because in practice, Shathann died for the sin of unknowingly misgendering her child, and for attempting to call them trans instead of nonbinary specifically. And she died because it was the easy way out for the writer -- kill the complex mother who comes from a culture deemed problematic in order to avoid dealing with how they'd move forward together, and how their cultural upbringings would clash with yet be mitigated by their familial love for each other. Help Taash choose between Rivaini or Qunari now that their mother's influence and opinions are gone and they don't have to wrestle with her culture anymore, just what they themselves think of it.

I don't think Taash's mother has any actual right to decide which culture Taash belongs to, that is Taash's decision, but the writers know that her influence would still make things more complicated for Taash. And we can't have that, right? Taash has to decide for themselves, as is their right, their right as a queer person to make decisions independent of and not affected by their mother's backwards culture. Their queerness takes priority, nay, dictates how they relate to their nationality/cultural belonging. Anything that might infringe upon that holy self-realization must be removed.

Y'see where I'm going with this? Y'see why it makes me a little uncomfy?

Now for the part where I put my on stink on it. My mom does not get my being nonbinary. She asked me a bunch of really ignorant and gross things when I came out in her attempt to understand it, or rather, refute it. The whole discussion lasted for about 2 panic-filled hours, and I don't think I changed her mind on anything. She still makes uncomfy comments about trans people. She still misgenders me, though this is partly due to our mother tongue not having any gender-neutral pronouns.

And yeah, all of this hurts, no doubt about it. But the thing is? My mom still loves me. She shows it with nearly everything she does outside of this enby stuff, but even with this stuff, she never pushes me to be more feminine. She said she'd switch to my new name if I ever decide to change it. She once apologized for putting "female" for me on a form she had to fill out because there were no nonbinary options. She bought me a perfume for men just because I idly remarked it smelled nice.

And I know what you're thinking, and yes this is a difficult situation to be put in. It's hard, but it happens every day, in families like mine. When your parent was raised to believe one thing, and have for decades, and they're confronted with something new, the switch won't be instant, or happen at all. And I knew that before coming out to her.

I was Taash's age when I came out to my mom, so Taash would've known that, too. And what's even more frustrating, is that Shathann doesn't even resist the revalation, like my mom did. She tries to apply a concept she is more familiar with in order to understand Taash, but since that concept isn't 100% exactly what Taash identifies with, she's in the wrong, immediately. Taash blows up at her for not instantly getting the name and concept of a completely new term dropped onto her head. And all we can do is console Taash on how poorly it went, but whose fault is that? Shathann removes herself from the situation when she notices Taash is about to blow a gasket, because what's the point in discussing anything with somebody who's already rejected your attempts at understanding them, while demanding you understand them?

And before somebody says that I don't "get" what Taash is going through, start reading the post from the beginning but really read it this time. For those who might say that Taash is justified in expecting the worst on account of how Shathann has been raising them up until now, then I raise you this: If Taash knew their mother wouldn't initially get it, why did they blow up when she immediately tried to get it? If they expected her to reject them, why are they still mad when she doesn't? Did they expect her to attempt to use a cultural concept she's familiar with in order to understand their identity, but didn't have an explanation ready to also frame it in a way that'd be familiar to her?

Instead, the order of events is essentially this: Shathann raises Taash in an overbearing way and places high expectations of femininity on them > her and Taash clash over this frequently > Taash, knowing how their mother is but feeling the need to come out to her anyway, says they're nonbinary > Shathann is confused yet calm, asks if they're trans > Taash gets instantly upset > Shathann, still confused, leaves the situation > Rook comforts Taash on how bad that went and says their mother will surely come around > Shathann, off-screen, figures out what nonbinary is, dies using the correct pronouns and confirming that she does love them for who they are > Taash is sad their mom dies but hey, at least they know she loved them at the end.

Shathann being a somewhat traditional Qunari, her expecting femininity, are all initially framed as obstacles for Taash to overcome. The overbearing, traditionalist parent must be confronted with the truth and realize their idea of their child is wrong. But before things can get too complicated, too bitter, and Taash has to actually confront this "obstacle", Shathann is instead removed from the equation entirely and killed in order for Taash to have their identity confirmed.

Except in that coming out scene, Shathann's characterization takes a strange, seemingly unintentional turn, and rather than reject her child's identity as the plot structure demands, she tries to understand it through her own limited framework. What's telling is that the narrative frames this as equivalent, that not immediately grasping a new concept and term is the exact same as outright rejecting it. It's framed as it being just another instance of her rejecting Taash's personhood and being dogmatic in her beliefs, but that only works if you're in that white lib mindset of "if you don't immediately understand my specific view of things and use the exact correct words that you might not be familiar with, you're a close-minded asshole and a bigot". If you're like me, whose genuinely very loving mother doesn't grasp the concept of being nonbinary, or if you just have a sliver of basic reading comprehension, you'll realize that Shathann is literally, in that scene, TRYING. But because she doesn't immediately get it right, it's deemed as insufficient, we're made to comfort Taash over their mother's grave insult, and Shathann is then killed for drama, but not before confirming that omg, she got it!! She got the fucking words right, and that means she finally loves them for who they are, which she apparently didn't do before!! All is well!!

Nevermind that Shathann is fine with Taash having female lovers, nevermind that, in Qunari culture, Taash being a dragon-hunting warrior would've effectively made them trans already and Shathann seemingly had no issues with that? (This is probably just a plot hole lbr.) Nevermind that she uprooted her whole life in order to provide a better life for her child, and nevermind the part where she admits she's done a poor job as a mother yet still clearly loves her kid. She didn't immediately get the new words and concepts right!! So she has to use the right words before she dies, in order for Taash to finally know that their mother loves them properly.

It's. Kinda gross. You know? It feels like Shathann, rather than being her own person, is essentially a prop to confirm Taash's identity, while hers is shifted around as the plot needs it. The plot both wants her to be an obstacle for Taash to overcome in affirming their identity, but also for her to affirm said identity. It conflates Shathann not immediately understanding and asking questions as her not accepting her kid, as her not loving her kid. And to fix that idea in Taash's mind, she has to die for them while also using the correct pronouns. That's an insane fucking thing to write.

If Shathann was instantly accepting, then that's boring and low-stakes. We can't have a parent who instantly accepts their kid, we want that family drama and painful coming-out story. Taash needs somebody to assert their identity over. BUT we don't want to deal with a parent not accepting their kid at all, that's just a bummer. So Shathann has to be unaccepting enough for Taash to have a conflict, but accepting enough that Taash doesn't have to assert themselves or fight too hard to be understood and accepted. Because that's just a bummer. And might signal that being nonbinary isn't valid and a-ok and totally cool and epic and awesomesauce and take my upvote and leave my good sir.

What's frustrating is that it could have worked. Have Shathann be like "Well you're a warrior, I thought you were aqun-athlok but didn't want to bring it up" and have Taash be like "No it's different, not like that" and Shathann be like "Ok then explain it to me." And maybe don't have Shathann get it fully at the end, but have her try. Have Taash come back from an off-screen conversation with Shathann and say that "We're good. She doesn't quite get it yet, but I think we'll be ok."

But instead, Shathann gets it!! Woo!! But then dies so. Don't even worry about it. At least Taash's enby-ness is validated with Shathann's dying breath. Because that's what really mattered in the end. Taash being so so so so so valid.

[delawaredetroit]

I mean did Ochako get a good resolution? She failed her goal in saving Toga (who killed herself for her) after she vowed she wanted to save people after Nighteye was dying in her arms. Her arc of suppressing her feelings basically goes unaddressed and her feelings for Midoriya are essentially dropped despite being tied to that heavily (for better or for worse, and whether people ship them together or not that was a big part of her character). She doesn’t even get a chance to help Izuku in the climax, which doesn’t fulfill her resolve to help heroes when they’re suffering. She was dying from being stabbed, while all the other heroes with worse injuries (Bakugou) kept fighting. I would argue that her arc is basically nonexistent, which is a shame.

I'm sorry, I stopped listening to what you were saying after you claimed Bakugou played a more meaningful role in the last arc because he had more fights in the final war arc.

Now, all jokes aside, yes, Ochako did get a better character arc resolution compared to other key characters in the story (maybe excluding All Might and All for One).

Ochako starts out as a girl who went in to heroics, a job she believed was a performance to make the public happy, in order to provide for her parents. She was always a caring person, but Ochako didn't think structurally and she didn't think about the severity of what she was walking into with heroics.

After a few arcs, she really came to admire Izuku, a character who embodies an altruistic heroic ideal of saving others. After confronting life and death situations during a work context for the first time during the Overhaul Arc, she realized heroics was more than a performance. And despite that revelation that there were lives at stake - she wanted to continue moving forward to save people.

But hero society neatly divides people into those who save (heroes), those who are saved (civilians), and those to be defeated (villains). Once Ochako determined she wanted to save people, she quickly ran up against the limits of their society's framework of who gets to be saved. It started in the Joint Training Arc when she saved Izuku when he lost control of his quirk. She started with well then who saves the heroes? After seeing Toga cry during the first war arc, her next question became are villains also people who can be saved? Ochako was also the one to confront the civilians about their own complacency and to take initiative to help save others themselves at the end of the Villain Hunt Arc.

She did not have to fight with Izuku in the final fight and Toga was not required to survive to resolve her arc. The point of the "who helps heroes when they are hurting" with Izuku and reaching out to Toga was for Ochako to break down hero society's narrow, dehumanizing roles. Izuku and Toga embody some of the most self-destructive aspects of heroes and villains respectively. She reached out and recognized the humanity of each of them in their darkest moments - the Rogue Arc for Izuku and for Toga in the final war arc while Toga was still mourning Twice's (and what she believed to be Touya's) death(s).

As for the crush/feeling suppression plotline, she wasn't required to confess to Izuku to resolve that plot point. That plotline is intrinsically linked to her relationship with Toga. Because as I have said before, Ochako actually took Toga's advice for how to approach her crush. Toga wanted to become just like her crush. Izuku suppressed all emotions he believed interfered with his hero persona. Ochako then responded in kind by suppressing her feelings after she realized she liked Izuku in the Second Act. But in the final arc, Ochako acted according to her own feelings. She reached out to connect to the villain instead of defeating her because she wanted to do so. Trying to suppress her feelings of wanting to save Toga by looking at the destruction she caused didn't work. She freely admitted to Toga and herself that she liked Izuku.

This was a high school crush. Most people don't get married and have kids with their high school sweetheart. The crush plotline at the end of the day wasn't about Izuku. It was about Ochako and Toga and at a thematic level it was about restrictive norms around love and connection with others, especially as teenage girls.

And honestly, the epilogue also resolved Ochako's arc well. She gets to vent to her friends and let out her suppressed emotions surrounding Toga's death. She was able to connect with Izuku again without running away in fear of her own feelings as she had throughout the Second Act. And there is evidence she put her ideas of rejecting these narrow roles of who can be saved into practice through spearheading these systematic quirk counseling reforms.

[righteous-pines]

HEY. THIS IS THE BLOG I MEANT TO POST THIS ON. Sorry AGAIN

character personality description below - cw/tw for severe depression and suicidal ideation. Sorry

Heavily encouraged by the previous leader, Pinestar, to take the position of a medicine cat due to her prophetic dreams, Daycinder looks forward to the day she finally closes her eyes and opens them up to a field of starry skies. Anxious from birth, always worried she’s failing her clan, not caring for them adequately, misinterpreting the words of her ancestors- Daycinder wants nothing more than to finally put the worries at ease, and rest. Unfortunately, she has yet to train an apprentice, and struggles with the gravity of condemning another apprentice to her own miserable life; and so, she remains, ever studious.

[theblackhate]

Home Is Where The Heart Is | Negan Smith

check the other parts here!

Summary:

There is no longer a home, no place of comfort in that world. One survives to live, risking life to move forward and protect one's people.

But there are always two sides of the same coin. So, is the villain truly the villain? Or is He just the villain in your story?

Pairing: Negan Smith x reader

Word Count: 6.8k

Home?

“The world’s gone to shit.”

“Don’t talk like that, Delilah!” her mother scolded while thanking Emily for finding mushrooms to eat. “There’s only one way to know.”

“Asking Shane when he gets back?” asked the blonde, who was perhaps a few years older than Delilah.

Around them, a large group of people kept themselves busy in any way they could, trying to fill the empty moments and be helpful during this crisis. It was a kind of routine, something that allowed everyone to feel useful.

Delilah, however, seemed unable to adapt like the others. It had been a week since they had gathered at a mountain clearing, hoping they were far enough from the city to avoid attracting any of those things. Yet, every day, she found herself just watching the people moving around her.

The only useful thing she had done was help Daryl Dixon skin a squirrel. Daryl was a peculiar man—gruff, yet always ready to lend a hand around the small camp.

She glanced at her mother from the corner of her eye as she saw her stand up, looking for Dale, an old man with his beloved RV, to inform him she was going for a walk. Dale preferred spending his time on the roof of his RV with binoculars, keeping an eye on the surroundings and ensuring everyone was safe.

The man nodded, and Delilah looked away, feeling a strange sensation in her stomach. She knew that every time her mother left the camp when Shane was absent, it meant they were meeting secretly. Delilah knew what they were doing, and the mere thought made her nauseous.

Shane had been her father’s best friend and had recently returned with the news that her father was as good as dead in that hospital. Since then, her mother had thrown herself into Shane’s arms. Maybe out of desperation, but Delilah couldn’t find a good reason no matter how she looked at it.

“How are you?” Emily took Lori’s place, sitting closer to Delilah. “I know it’s not easy.”

Delilah shrugged. “Doesn’t change much for me,” she lied. “The gnats are bothering me more than this shitty situation, to be honest.”

Emily nodded. “Then you’re handling it better than many others.”

“We can say that. There’s not much we can do, in the end, whether we like it or not.”

Let me know if there are any more adjustments or details you’d like to add!

Delilah wanted to believe her own words, to find a light within that abyss, but it seemed impossible. She felt exhausted; sleeping with the constant fear of dying was something she wasn't used to and probably never would be.

Learning to live differently, finding a new balance—that was what they needed to do, and Delilah was afraid she wouldn't be able to manage it. She couldn’t accept that her world was truly over; everything that once mattered now meant nothing.

Emily sighed, getting up to go to her sister. Delilah knew she was drawing more and more glares each day, always sitting on the same log doing nothing. But she couldn’t bring herself to get up and help more.

Sometimes, she helped Daryl skin his catches or sat under the umbrella with Dale, watching the landscape while he obsessively scanned the area. She felt like she was going crazy, having to look after Carl because her mother was too busy screwing her dead father’s best friend.

Carl interrupted her thoughts, practically sitting on her lap, forcing a smile. "Hey, troublemaker, what’s up?"

"Nothing. Mom told me to stay where you could see me," he said, returning to playing with the toy cars Shane had given him. "And I’m bored."

Delilah hugged him, resting her head on his. "I’m bored too."

She glanced over at her mother, venturing into the woods under the watchful eyes of several survivors. Her mother’s affairs weren’t exactly a secret. Delilah felt almost embarrassed, uncomfortable with her mother’s behavior, as if her betrayal struck her on a personal level.

She could hear Andrea whispering to Emily, the curious looks from Carol. It wasn’t a secret, just like the fact that her mother had been married until a few days ago.

"Come on," she said, turning to Carl as she stood up and took his hand. "Let’s go bother Dale up there."

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

The October breeze sent a shiver through Delilah as she sat atop Dale's camper. She found the spot strangely comforting; observing the world from above allowed her to feel a semblance of control over her life.

She hadn’t shed a tear since what she considered the apocalypse began. She couldn't feel anything but a deep emptiness inside, like she was a soulless body, just like the dead roaming their land.

Sometimes she woke in the middle of the night, gasping, hoping to find herself back in her bed, with Carl tucked under the covers after a bad dream, or her mother coming in to wake her, smiling at the sight of the two siblings.

But nothing was the same anymore, even though many struggled to accept it. The world had changed, and with it, the people. Her mother was a perfect example; it had been two months since the world ended, and the woman she once loved now only evoked disgust in her, just like Shane. Shane, who she had once had a crush on as a child, who had taught her to ride a bike, was now just a stranger.

“A penny for your thoughts?” Dale took a seat next to her, resting his rifle on his lap, ready if needed. “I know you’re scared, we all are. But we have to stick together and find a way to move forward.”

Delilah glanced at him, chuckling. “Is that a nice way of telling me I should get off my ass and help?”

The old man laughed, his laughter echoing in the quiet morning. They were probably the only ones awake at that hour, except for Dixon, who preferred wandering the woods over staying with the group. Delilah couldn’t blame him.

“You know what?” Dale turned to the girl, curious about what she meant. “There’s nothing worth my time. I don’t want to go picking mushrooms or berries with Emily, fishing with Andrea, or doing laundry with Carol and the others!”

She sank deeper into her chair. “I want to be really useful, to have a purpose. Helping Daryl, for example, or going into the city with Glenn, Andrea, Merle, and T-Dog. Not stuck here, in a glass bubble because my mom is paranoid.”

“Your mother cares about you and Carl; it's completely understandable why she wouldn’t want to throw you into the middle of all those walkers. I get it, it's a mother’s love speaking.”

The two fell silent after their brief interaction, listening to the birds' chirping and enjoying the last rays of sun before winter. October was unusually warm that year, but nothing guaranteed the winter would be the same. They had to prepare for a possible sudden cold snap.

Delilah wrapped herself in her red leather jacket, perhaps a bit too heavy for the mild weather, but the warmth reminded her of home, when everything was normal.

Home—a concept that had lost all meaning in a few weeks. None of them had a home anymore, even though Lori insisted that as long as the four of them stayed together, they were home. But Delilah had never heard anything more ridiculous.

Shane wasn’t home, and her mother might as well leave if it were up to her. She couldn’t look her in the eye anymore; the only thing her presence reminded her of was the constant orders. Do this, do that.

A noise from the woods caught Delilah's attention, causing Dale to jump to his feet and aim his rifle in the direction of the sound. Soon, the figure of Daryl emerged from the trees, with squirrels slung over his shoulder. The man shot a glare at Dale and gave Delilah a quick nod. She obeyed, quickly climbing down from the camper to meet him.

“Here,” he handed her the squirrels before heading back into the woods. Delilah watched him until he disappeared, finding him to be a particularly intriguing man. Without wasting time, she settled into her usual spot, took out her knife, and began making a circular cut around the tail.

When she finished, her hands were covered in blood, but at least they would have something to eat. The sun had fully risen by now, waking up the rest of the group and starting the daily chores. Carl soon joined her, clinging to her side out of boredom, following her around all day until Sophia invited him to play with the other kids.

In a way, she envied them as she watched them run around the camp, seemingly unfazed, as if they were just at a summer camp while she was stuck rotting in her usual spot. T-Dog had joked that she’d probably wear a hole in the log from sitting there so much.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Lori's voice came from behind her as she placed a kiss on Delilah's head. “Did you sleep well? How long have you been up?” Delilah shrugged.

Lori sighed, placing her hands on her hips, clearly distressed. She knelt in front of her daughter, trying to catch her eye. “Delilah... please look at me,” she said, taking Delilah's face in her hands, forcing her to make eye contact. “I know it’s tough, but—”

“No, don’t lecture me. You don’t have the right when you’re sleeping with Dad’s best friend,” Delilah interrupted, her tone harsh. Lori was taken aback, left speechless. She looked at her daughter, mouth agape, unable to find a defense because, in reality, she didn’t even know how to defend herself. “Do you really think you're being discreet? Everyone here knows! And you don’t know how ashamed I am that you’re my mother. You come off as nothing but a slut right now. You jumped into his arms right away, you didn’t even mourn Dad.”

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that!” Lori snapped, but Delilah stood up, leaving her mother alone, ignoring her calls. She had no intention of wasting time arguing about something that should never have been up for debate.

Hearing the commotion, Shane got up from the chair where he was cleaning knives and grabbed Delilah's arm. “Is everything okay?”

She looked at him, wondering if his kindness and concern were just a ploy to win her over, but she had no intention of playing his game. “Don’t touch me, you disgust me,” she snapped, shaking off his arm and walking away, hoping to find some peace and quiet.

Shane turned to Lori, confused, and seeing her devastated expression, he quickly pieced together what had happened. He rubbed his forehead, unsure of how to handle the situation, knowing that from now on, working with Delilah would be even more challenging.

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

“What are you doin’ out here, kid?” Daryl's voice startled her. She turned quickly, noticing him sitting under a tree, working on his crossbow. “It’s dangerous.”

“I needed some space,” she shrugged, wrapping her arms around herself, feeling self-conscious under his gaze. “What are you doing?” she ventured to ask.

He looked her up and down, a perpetual scowl on his face. “Stuff.”

Delilah stared back, unfazed by his usual cold demeanor. Gathering her courage, she sat down next to him, leaning against the tree, hoping he wouldn’t shame her by sending her away. To her surprise, he said nothing, only casting the occasional sidelong glance.

“Not here to comfort you, if that’s what you want,” he said abruptly, making her turn to him. His eyes were fixed on his crossbow, his thick fingers adjusting a loose string.

“I just need some silence,” she replied, closing her eyes and enjoying the breeze rustling the leaves above them, the sunlight warming her face. Finding moments of peace in this new world was rare. One always had to be on guard, and Delilah just wanted to rest for a few hours. Surprisingly, Daryl let her.

They stayed there for what felt like hours, lulled by the chirping of birds and occasional laughter from the camp. Her tranquility was abruptly cut short when Daryl nudged her foot with his boot. She opened one eye, raising an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“Get up. I’m going huntin��.”

“Can I come with you?” Delilah's request seemed to put Daryl in a quandary. He looked at her with annoyance, but she took it as a victory that he didn’t immediately say no. She stood up, brushing dirt and leaves off her pants, following him into the woods. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

He stopped, turning to her and pointing a finger in her face. “Stay behind me. Don’t make noise.”

Delilah mimed locking her lips and throwing away the key, earning an eye roll from him. She would do anything to break the routine, and if that meant staying silent as a mime, so be it.

She drew a knife from her belt, ready for any unexpected encounter with one of the undead. Daryl moved through the forest as if he knew it like the back of his hand, his steps silent despite his size. Occasionally, he would stop, aim his crossbow at the treetops, and fire, hitting a squirrel that fell to the ground, lifeless. 

He handed them to her, instructing her to tie them to a rope he gave her so they could carry more than a couple at a time. She obeyed, finally feeling genuinely useful for something other than playing house.

The sun was high in the sky, indicating it was probably early afternoon when they were drawn to a strange noise. “What the hell is that?”

“Sounds like an alarm,” Delilah said, moving next to Daryl, trying to determine the source of the noise. But another thought invaded her mind. She turned to him, panic rising inside her. “Won’t it attract the walkers?”

Daryl seemed to come to the same conclusion because he nodded and started retracing their steps. “Let’s get back to camp. It’s not safe.” She followed him like a faithful puppy, worried he might leave her in the woods with no way to find her way back because, if she were completely honest, she hadn’t paid attention to their direction.

It took them a while to return to camp, but when they arrived, they noticed the alarm had stopped. The source was a sleek red car. She turned to Daryl, hoping he might appreciate a good engine, but when she looked, he was already heading back into the woods.

She sighed, guessing they had only returned so he could ditch her there, getting rid of her presence. “Jerk,” she muttered, placing the squirrels near the makeshift kitchen and turning back to inspect the car.

“We’ll get some good parts for the RV from this,” Dale said, coming up beside her, examining the engine to check its condition. Delilah grimaced. “Do you really have to tear it apart?”

The old man smiled, leaning over the hood. “We need the parts. Besides, believe me, you’ll find another nice car. Not like anyone can do much with them now.”

“Dad!” Carl’s shout made her turn quickly, searching for her little brother. When she saw him, her knees nearly gave out. If not for the car, she would have collapsed.

Carl and her mother were running toward a man in a sheriff’s uniform, and Delilah thought she might be losing her mind. Maybe she had hit her head somewhere or was having a stupid hallucination. Maybe it was finally her time; maybe she was truly going crazy.

But when her father picked up Carl, falling to the ground and holding him as if his life depended on it, she realized her father was really there. Rick Grimes was alive.

Her heart tightened in her chest as she watched her mother hug and kiss him, but it couldn’t distract her from the fact that her father was alive. She saw him cry with joy as he embraced his family, then pull back slightly to look around, asking Lori something.

Delilah moved from where she had been leaning against the car, meeting her father’s eyes before running toward him. He caught her in his arms, lifting her off the ground and kissing her head, repeating how much he loved her like a mantra.

For the first time since the end of the world, Delilah Grimes cried in her father’s arms.

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

“Can I come with you?” Delilah asked, approaching the group preparing to head back into the city to search for Merle Dixon and the bag full of guns. Rick didn’t even turn around before responding.

“No, sweetheart, it’s too dangerous. Stay here with your mom and Carl.”

“But—”

“No way, Lilah, don’t even think about it.” Rick insisted, giving her a kiss on the head before setting off with the group towards the city, once again leaving the rest of the camp to fend for themselves.

Delilah sighed, returning to her usual spot until Carl approached her with a smile. “Wanna come catch frogs with us?”

Delilah glanced at Shane behind the boy, noticing how his demeanor had shifted since her father's return. The mere thought made her nauseous, but what worried her most was the change in his gaze—possessive, dangerous.

“Uh, okay,” she agreed, letting the two boys lead the way while maintaining her distance from Shane and staying silent until they reached the women at the river, who were washing clothes.

It was a sweltering day for October, but none of them complained, instead relishing the warmth. They had been lucky to find a quarry so close to camp, providing them with fish and water to sustain them.

“I can’t catch anything,” Carl whined, his feet in the water, while Delilah watched from a rock, not entirely convinced to join them in the cold water.

Shane glanced around, then turned to the boy. “Yeah.” The atmosphere between the two was tense, different from just a few days ago, and Delilah was curious about what had happened, what had been said, to change their relationship so drastically.

In all the years Shane had been part of family events, dinners, lunches, and birthday parties, there had never been such a strange tension between them.

“They’re smart, they stay underwater,” Shane added.

“Maybe they’re just not interested in you,” Delilah commented. Her remark wasn’t entirely ignored, but Shane chose not to respond beyond a tight smile, not letting on that her words had irked him. He couldn’t afford to lose his temper in front of Carl.

“Little bastards, they know something’s up. That’s why you have to do it the old-fashioned way.” Shane proceeded to explain a rather pathetic plan to Carl, to which the boy responded with lukewarm enthusiasm.

Shane lay in wait before diving into the water, splashing Delilah. At least Carl seemed to be enjoying himself, laughing as he watched Shane thrash around in the water and warning him about the frogs swimming towards him.

There were no frogs, but that was a detail Delilah chose not to share with Carl.

When Shane sprayed water towards Carl, it hit Delilah square on, causing her to stand up and try to wring out her clothes. It wasn’t the time or place to get sick from a sudden gust of wind.

"Come on, Delilah! It's just a game!" Carl exclaimed when he saw her walking away from the quarry, a little sad that his sister had left. "Wait for me!"

He left the net in the water, moving away from Shane and trying to catch up with Delilah, catching her by the shirt. "You're not mad, are you? It wasn’t Shane's intention to get you wet."

"No, Carl, I'm fine. I just don't want to get sick, that's all," she reassured him, and the boy looked at her in silence. "I promise, pinky swear." She extended her little finger, and Carl smiled, hooking his with hers. Shane caught up with them shortly after, soaked from head to toe, a serious look on his face as he watched Delilah crouch down to Carl's level.

She took him by the hand, leading him out of the quarry to dry him off and make sure he didn't catch a cold either. Once she was sure he was in dry clothes, Delilah insisted he take a nap to recharge his energy, especially since there was nothing else to do, trying to fill his time as much as possible.

But voices outside the tent woke him up, also stirring Delilah from her daze. "What's going on?" he asked, yawning and stepping out of the tent, his sister following soon after.

They saw much of the group heading towards a side of the camp, and they decided to join them, holding Carl's hand in case there was danger. She kept him behind her, acting as a shield until they stopped in front of a rather bizarre scene.

Delilah approached Carol. "What's happening?"

The woman shook her head. "I have no idea. It seems like it's been going on for hours. The heat must have gotten to him, poor thing."

A man named Jim was digging holes in the ground, and the most frightening and chilling thing that gave Delilah goosebumps was the fact that they were human-sized. She held Carl close, worried that Jim had really lost his mind and was about to do something foolish.

"Jim, why don't you stop?" Shane tried to talk to him, but the man continued undeterred, acting as if he hadn't heard him, and given his condition, it was highly likely that he hadn't.

The sun beat down harder than ever, and Delilah found herself compelled to take off her jacket to avoid risking heatstroke; her shirt was sticking to her back due to a thin layer of sweat that was starting to cover her forehead as well.

"What do you want?" Jim's voice was hoarse, tired, and irritated.

"We're all just worried, that's all. Dale says you've been here for hours."

"And so?" the man seemed genuinely confused, looking around to take note of the worried and frightened faces of the rest of the group.

"Why are you digging? Are you heading to China, Jim?" Shane tried to lighten the mood, ignoring the clear signs of stress in the man in front of him.

Jim raised his arms, smiling sarcastically. "What does it matter? I'm not hurting anyone," and he resumed digging.

"If not yourself, then, Jim, it's 37 degrees now. You can't go on like this," Delilah realized it was hotter than she thought, not imagining that October could become so hot even though it was normal to have high temperatures around this time where they were. Not this high, though.

Shane approached him, preventing the others from understanding what he was saying, and in no time, he had Jim pinned to the ground, forcing him to stop. "It's for your own good, Jim," he said.

Delilah took Carl away from the scene, not wanting him to witness such acts of violence not so much for fear that he would get strange ideas, but because she knew how much he cared about and admired Shane; she didn't want to ruin his vision of him. She ignored his complaints, assuring him that Shane was more than capable of handling the situation on his own.

But Delilah knew she couldn't protect Carl forever, especially since that same evening the first attack would reduce the group and bring death into their existence.

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

Delilah watched her father talk into the walkie-talkie while looking out at the city of Atlanta from a distance, lost in his conversation with someone she had no idea about. It still felt strange to her, surreal even, that her father was there with them and not in a hospital turned into one of those walking dead.

It was a miracle.

But the peace after the previous night's attack had been shattered. The now smaller and frightened group no longer felt safe in the woods and intended to move towards the CDC in the hope of finding some answers.

She watched Carl and Sophia reluctantly say goodbye to Eliza and Louis, the only other children in the group, before heading down a different path, most likely never to see them again.

"Everything alright, sweetheart?" Rick put an arm around his daughter's shoulders, pulling her into a sideways hug as they watched the same scene. "I promise you, everything will be fine. I swear."

But Delilah didn't know if she could believe that. She had learned more than once since the beginning of this new world that things wouldn't always go the right way, yet a part of her wanted to believe it. She rested her head on his shoulder, letting his gentle touches soothe her in the hope of dispelling the fears that formed in her mind every day.

"I want to believe you," she whispered, pulling away when she saw Shane approaching from a distance. She excused herself, moving away from the two men and joining Carl, who was now watching Jim with an expression of distrust.

She couldn't blame him. It had only been a few hours since they discovered he had been bitten, and the idea that he might turn into one of those things made everyone tense, scared that something like last night's incident could happen again. "Hey, little man."

Carl barely turned, his gaze still fixed on the man tied up under the tree. "Want to help me finish putting away the stuff? I need your strong arms to move all that gear, or I'll be here until tomorrow."

She tried to lighten the mood with humor. It was hard to put on a smile that wasn't genuine, but she did it for Carl, for his safety.

The boy nodded slowly, walking towards the last tent that needed to be packed up, and Delilah followed shortly after, closing it all up and loading it into Dale's RV for the journey.

She took one last look at the breathtaking view they were leaving behind, hating the fact that such tranquility was a result of the world's end and not just a simple family trip. She climbed into the RV with the others, silently complaining about the fact that they had brought Jim along in the hope of finding a cure at the CDC.

Dale glanced at her out of the corner of his eye as he drove, feeling pity for the girl's lack of liveliness. He had gotten to know her a bit during those weeks they had spent together and found her to be a bright girl, perhaps too bright for her own good, and in a normal life, she could have been very successful with that sharp mind.

He sighed, seeing the light in her eyes dimmed, knowing there was nothing that could restore it. In this world, you had to learn to survive, or you perished.

"Damn," Dale exclaimed as he saw smoke billowing from the RV's hood, pulling over in the middle of the road to check if the damage was severe. "This old clunker won't last much longer."

It took Delilah a moment to realize they had stopped. With her eyes closed, she'd been trying to block out Jim's agonized groans from the back, where he was starting to lose his mind.

She leaned forward to look out the window, noticing the entire group had halted. Rick was next to Dale, inspecting under the RV's hood. He gave his daughter a reassuring nod before returning to his conversation with Dale.

She settled back into her seat, trying to get some sleep. She had no idea how long they'd be stopped or on the road, what awaited them at the CDC, and certainly didn't want to face it with only a few hours of rest. It was hard to get a good night's sleep under their conditions, but inside the RV, she felt somewhat safe, if not for Jim.

She growled in frustration when she couldn't relax, the man's presence too overwhelming. She opened her eyes when she felt movement, the RV rocking slightly, and soon after saw her father making his way inside.

"Everything okay?" she asked, watching him head toward where Jim lay, drenched in sweat and his face twisted in agony. She went silent, pressing herself against the seat to overhear their conversation.

Rick stood by the bed. "We'll be back on the road soon, don't worry."

"Oh, Christ. No," Jim moaned. "My bones… my bones are like glass, every little bump…. God, this trip is killing me. Leave me here. I'm done." He looked at Rick, resigned to his horrible situation. "Leave me here."

His request stunned the entire group, making the rest of the journey solemn as they lost another member. Delilah watched through the window as Jim's figure under a tree grew smaller. She closed her eyes when she saw him put the gun barrel in his mouth and pull the trigger.

Delilah woke up when she subconsciously felt the RV stop, realizing they were in front of what she assumed was the CDC.

"Are we here?" she asked, stretching, her muscles stiff from the position she had slept in all day. Dale nodded and got out, grabbing his rifle and waiting for everyone to disembark before closing the door. "Wow."

The entire group paused to take in the scene before them; abandoned military vehicles were everywhere, barricades at every corner, but the most disturbing sight was the hundreds of bodies scattered across the area. They were careful not to touch them, unsure if they were truly dead or the walking dead.

The putrid stench of the corpses made Delilah gag, forcing her to turn away from the group and vomit the little food she had eaten. She felt the acidity of her stomach in her throat and was grateful when someone placed a hand on her back and handed her a bottle of water, until she saw who it was.

"Alright, keep moving, let's go!" Shane ordered quietly, understanding that the less attention they attracted, the better. Delilah cringed as she felt his hand still on her back. "Thanks," she muttered, handing back the bottle and shrugging off his hand.

She quickened her pace to rejoin the group, ignoring Shane’s intense gaze boring into the back of her head. Carl reached out his hand to his sister, and she took it, squeezing tightly, not wanting to be separated again.

It felt like navigating a minefield. Glenn pointed out a few walkers with his rifle, who were wandering aimlessly instead of lying still. Carl’s grip tightened painfully on her hand, making her wince slightly from the pain.

The odor grew more pungent, and Delilah had to cover her nose with her arm, like many others in the group. When they finally reached the CDC, they found the shutters closed, the place seemingly barricaded from the inside. The faint glimmer of hope within each of them began to fade.

“Walkers!” Daryl shouted, rushing forward and firing his crossbow. Glenn and Dale joined in, trying to protect the group as they desperately searched for a way in. “You led us to a graveyard!”

“He made a decision,” Lori said, letting go of Carl’s hand and moving closer to Rick.

Daryl snarled, “A bad decision! Look around, damn it!”

“Shut up. You hear me?” Shane snapped, getting in Daryl’s face and escalating the situation. They started shoving each other, making enough noise to attract even more walkers.

Rick tried to calm things down, but even Shane seemed to lose his patience. He argued that they were at a dead end and if they stayed there any longer, they’d all be dead. Suddenly, the shutters began to move.

The group fell silent, watching hopefully as the shutters slowly rose just enough to let them pass through. A voice crackled through the speakers.

“Get inside! Quickly!”

The faint hope that had almost vanished suddenly returned. Delilah squeezed Carl’s hand tighter, almost pulling him along as they ran towards the entrance. Once inside, the shutters closed behind them with a definitive clang, shutting out the chaos and the walkers.

Rick led the group down a dimly lit hallway until they reached a large metal door that slowly opened, revealing a tired but kind-looking man in a lab coat.

“Welcome to the CDC. I’m Dr. Edwin Jenner,” he said, his voice weary but welcoming. “You got here just in time.”

The group exchanged uncertain but relieved looks. Delilah felt a semblance of safety for the first time in ages, hoping they had finally found a place to rest and, maybe, some answers.

Rick stepped forward. “Thank you for letting us in. We didn’t know how much longer we could hold out out there.”

Jenner nodded, his eyes scanning the tired and worn faces before him. “We’ll do our best to help you. But you need to understand... there aren’t many answers here. Just attempts and hopes.”

Delilah, still holding Carl’s hand, knew those words held the harsh truth of their new world. However, even a glimmer of hope was better than the complete darkness they had been facing.

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

She had no idea how long she had stood under the hot water, but she couldn’t bring herself to step away from the soothing sensation she had missed so much. When she finally emerged from the shower, wrapped in a bathrobe, it felt like she was in a dream.

The room had a single bed, a desk, a wardrobe, and finally, some privacy. If it weren’t for the barricaded window, it might have felt like a hotel room.

As she started getting dressed, a knock on the door startled her. “I’ll be right there!” she called out, quickly pulling on some clean clothes. She hurried to the door and was surprised to see Dr. Jenner standing there, gloves on and a kit in hand.

“May I come in?” he asked, stepping inside and setting the kit on the desk. He looked at her for a moment. “Please, take a seat. I need to draw some blood.”

Delilah sat down and extended her arm. Goosebumps rose on her skin as he took her wrist and gently straightened her arm. “Why? None of us have been bitten or sick.”

“It’s protocol. I’ve already drawn samples from your family. Nothing to worry about,” he said. He didn’t smile or offer any reassurance, but his straightforwardness brought her a sense of comfort.

She nodded, watching him tie a tourniquet around her bicep. Curiosity got the better of her. “Where are all the other doctors? Shouldn’t this place be full?”

Jenner glanced up for a second before returning to his task. “I’m the only one left.”

“How did they die?”

Jenner paused, swallowing hard. “Various reasons, but there wasn’t an attack here at the CDC.”

Delilah felt a chill despite the warmth of the room. “So, why did they leave?”

“Some left to be with their families. Others... gave up.” He didn’t elaborate, but the weight of his words hung in the air.

“Gave up?”

“Losing hope in a place like this can be worse than the infection itself,” he admitted quietly, focusing on drawing her blood. “When you’re faced with the end of the world, not everyone can keep going.”

Delilah looked at Jenner, seeing the exhaustion etched into his features. “How do you keep going?”

He didn’t answer immediately, finishing up and placing a bandage on her arm. “I keep going because I have to. Because if I don’t, then all those people who gave up did so for nothing.”

She watched as he packed up his kit. “Thank you,” she said softly.

Jenner nodded, pausing at the door. “Get some rest. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

As he left, Delilah felt the weight of his words settle over her. She lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The world outside was falling apart, but in here, they had a chance. It wasn’t much, but it was something to hold onto.

She decided to join the group in the cafeteria, smiling at the sight of such a peaceful, almost normal scene. "Have you been here for long?" she asked, noticing Glenn struggling to contain his laughter and maintain a serious demeanor.

The boy handed her a glass of red wine, and Delilah thanked him, wetting her lips with the intense red liquid. "Can I try?" She almost spat out the wine when she heard Carl's question, and after briefly glancing at her mother, she passed him the glass.

The table fell silent as everyone watched the boy take a sip of the wine, grimacing in disgust as soon as the liquid touched his tongue. They all burst into laughter, and Delilah hugged her little brother, tousling his hair. "You're a big boy now."

"Come on! Leave me alone," Carl tried to squirm out of her grasp, but she didn't let him go.

The two siblings began to playfully wrestle, ending up on the floor with Delilah on top of Carl, pinning his limbs and tickling him. The boy turned red from laughter and the effort of trying to flip his sister over, but to no avail.

"I surrender! I surrender!" Carl shouted, waving the white flag, and Delilah got up, giving him a hand to stand. When the group started applauding, she took a bow before sitting down again to fill her stomach that she had emptied earlier.

During dinner, as it started to get late, the group began to disperse to retire to their rooms for a good night's sleep. Carol took the opportunity to take Sophia and Carl to a room resembling a library to read them a book before bedtime.

Even Rick and Jenner stepped away from the banquet to discuss what Delilah presumed was their overnight arrangements. When her mother left to follow Carol, she frowned upon seeing Shane, a little tipsy, following shortly after.

She started to get up, but Glenn's hand pulled her back into her seat, making her smile at his tipsy appearance. A faint smile was present on his features, his head slightly tilted to the side, the bottle of red wine in his hand.

"Stay here," he slurred.

Daryl, on the other side of the table, chuckled, catching Delilah's attention as she turned, unaware of his presence. She thought she was alone with the Asian boy. "Good luck with that," he said.

"What do you mean by that?" Both struggled to understand what he was saying, as alcohol muddled his words and made it nearly impossible to comprehend. Delilah chuckled, getting up and offering him an arm. "Let's go, Glenn, let's get you to your room."

"Oh, and then you'll stay with me?" The suggestive comment made Delilah pause in her tracks, supporting him with one arm and giving him a light smack on the back of his head. "Ow!"

"You're drunk, Glenn, watch what you say," she scolded, pulling him away from the wall he had leaned on.

The boy followed her, leaning on her for support when his head spun too much. In no time, they found themselves in front of his quarters, a few doors down from hers. “Where’s your key?”

“Uh…” The boy let go of her arm and began patting his pants pockets until he found it, smiling and holding the keys up to her eyes. “Ta-da!”

Glen struggled to insert the key into the door, his hand wavering left and right due to his state. The girl had to stifle her laughter when she had to catch him as he leaned against the open door.

“You’re really wasted,” she said, struggling to carry him to the bed and throwing him onto it with all the strength she could muster. She turned to leave, feeling the alcohol she had drunk beginning to get to her. “Goodnight, Glenn.”

“Wait,” he tried to sit up but sank back down when dizziness overcame him. “Stay, please?”

Delilah turned to look at him, searching his eyes for any sign of malice, but saw only a boy around her age, alone and scared. She closed the door and sat beside him, gently stroking his shoulder. “Are you okay, Glenn?”

The boy slid to the floor, leaning against the mattress, and Delilah followed, letting him rest his head on her shoulder. The atmosphere between them had shifted dramatically; the lightheartedness and carefree attitude from a few minutes ago had been replaced by the heavy weight of their reality.

“I don’t know…how to feel,” Glenn said, staring at the wall in front of them. “I can’t stop wondering how my family is, if they’re okay. If they’re alive.”

Delilah didn’t know how to respond. She wasn’t the best at comforting others, especially someone she didn’t have a close bond with. She rested her head against his, hoping the silence wouldn’t be too oppressive for him.

“Everything will be alright, Glenn, I promise,” she said. But what Delilah didn’t know was that not everything would be alright. They would face many obstacles on their journey, and not all of them would leave them unscathed.

[butterflydm]

"You lost someone important. Guilt's part of that."

*goes off and stares into the sea for a thousand years*

I do kinda feel as if I bought two games in one, because Veilguard is such a different experience in the second playthrough (this is not a complaint).

Grief. Regret. An ocean of it. And how to move past it. How important it is to be able to move past it and not let yourself be trapped by all your pain.

[endgame spoilers below]

Varric "goes to sleep" after your first big talk with him and then you can't talk to him again until after you've meditated and reached Solas (who is never far away, though you don't realize it).

It is amazing how Solas is able to criticize himself so strongly (via the memory of Varric) and then keep on doing everything that he's doing. He truly is the ultimate master of the sunk-cost fallacy.

Wisdom twisted into Pride. It is so painful to think that the thing that made Solas so furious and heartsick in his personal quest in DAI -- watching a spirit of Wisdom get twisted into Pride because it was brought into the mortal world to be a weapon -- is exactly what Mythal asked of him. And the anger that he shows towards those mortal mages (who he can and will kill unless you stop him) is thus displaced anger that he doesn't feel like he's allowed to feel towards Mythal.

So... what's up with the Rings of Power tag? It's about Solas, of course.

You meet a guy who is a lone wanderer. A vagabond, who claims no particular importance but somehow seems to understand the powers that are key to the world's salvation. He helps you out for a while. He's pretty arrogant - prideful, you might say.

You find out that he's essentially a demigod who has been lying to everyone for... weeks, months, idk. And that he actually is the person who helped break the world and make it what it currently is today... and he wants to fix the world. Except... well, except that fixing the world involves a whole bunch of people dying and basically destroying the world as it currently exists in order to create the 'better' world that exists in his imagination/memory.

His intentions may be good but every time he goes forward with his plans, it destroys so much and hurts so many people. His methods suck and his imagined perfect world can never exist. And he lies, over and over and over. He betrays you, over and over.

God of lies.

The Great Deceiver.

I've only finished one playthrough of Dragon Age: The Veilguard so far. And, in it, I gave Solas a good ending. The happiest ending that he probably could get. In which he doesn't get any of the things that he was trying to get during the game, but he does get a chance to atone for the many, many people that he's hurt and what he's destroyed. He gets shown a different path and is convinced to take it. He has someone who loves him enough to walk that path with him. "Where I'm going is terrible," he tells his love. "It won't be terrible if you're with me," she tells him.

Solas makes the choice that (Second Age/Rings of Power) Sauron couldn't make -- he chooses to stop trying to break the world in order to fix it. To atone by doing what the people of the world would want from him, rather than forcing his own vision on them. He stops. That's what Sauron can't bring himself to do. He can't stop trying to fix the world.

So finishing up Veilguard after watching Rings of Power let me play out a little power fantasy of: what if you could get him to stop? What if you could get him to see that his attempts to 'fix' the world are only making things worse? What would that look like?

Solas is able to admit -- after a lot of work by the protagonist to get him there -- that the world doesn't need him to fix it. By contrast, Sauron is going to double-down on his attempts to 'heal' Middle-Earth.

But it's interesting to get a chance to create a situation where a character who does have quite a bit in common with Sauron is able to have a different kind of ending.

As is tradition when I play RPGs like this, my first playthrough is for discovering a character and letting myself be fully led by the story, and now my second playthrough is to poke at all the choices and the seams of the story to figure out what I like best. And then I usually do a version of my first character again but 'perfected' in taking the alternative choices that I liked better than my first time through. So this second run is going to be for going through all the rest of the options and romances to see if I like them better than what my heart instinctively led me towards (Lucanis).

So this is my game plan for my second run:

Flirt with everyone. Make sure I do all Treviso quests before I go to get Davrin. Choose to save Minrathous (this is why I made my second Rook a Shadow Dragon -- Treviso seems so vulnerable to me, so I really have to stack the deck to get my Rook to choose to go to Minrathous). Sadly mourn that I cannot romance my Lucanis in this runthrough (my second Rook recently did the quest to acquire him and I found myself instantly enchanted all over again by his introduction. Thank goodness saving Minrathous takes him off the table; I don't see how else I could resist him).

Keep flirting until I get to the 'commitment quest' for each of the characters, and play through everything else until that's about all I have left. Then do separate saves for each romance. So six separate 'endgame runs' for this second Rook, allowing me to try out a variety of endgame scenarios.

Then, armed with lots of information, I plan to run as a dwarven Rook for my third runthrough, and do a run-through that uses my favorite choices now that I know how they shake out, and take a new approach with Solas. Probably a rogue. I've tried out the gameplay for all three classes, and rogue was my favorite (this is not a shock. Rogue has been my favorite in literally every DA game).

And now a collection of images I like to call:

They assumed Rook knew Varric was dead when these conversations happened.

Looking forward to what other conversations may happen where Rook is having an entirely different conversation than the other characters are having.

A collection of images I like to call:

Foreshadowing

A collection of images I like to call:

Ouch ouch ouch

One particularly excellent choice that the game made, imo, is that only Neve and Harding knew Varric already (of the companions). The rest of the team is assembled by Rook, and most of the team does not know Varric and doesn't even realize that there's a hole in the team, because Rook is already filling the position that she believes that Varric is meant to have. She is Varric's hand-picked second-in-command, and he trusted her to be able to handle this job. He chose someone with that thought in mind.

He knew the risks, and planned accordingly. He knew there was a chance (an excellent chance) that Solas was not going to listen to him. He had to try anyway, but he knows -- he says in the beginning -- that if it comes down to a fight, they will not be able to defeat Solas. He knows that if he can't talk Solas down, then he's probably going to die. And he goes in there anyway, because Solas is his friend.

He made a choice. Several choices. He chose to talk to Solas, knowing that it might lead to his death. And he chose Rook as his second, believing that Rook could save the day if Varric failed.

That's how Varric saved the world -- by finding the right person to finish the job.

[chickensarentcheap]

Especially for you, @tragiclyhip because I know you love them together

@watermeezer @youflickedtooharddamnit @secretaryunpaid @bardic-tales

And anyone and everyone else of course :)

“Some of them are pretty deep. And I know you tried when you were in the shower, but there’s stuff stuck in some of them. Dirt or wood or something. Aren’t they sore?”

“They’re SCRATCHES. I’ve had a hell of a lot worse.”

“They’re a mess is what they are.” She picks up the tweezers; eyes narrowing as she leans over him and plucks pieces of debris out of one of the wounds. “Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t things supposed to go down in the city?”

“They did. In Laos.”

“I thought it was going to be the same in Cambodia. You let me read what Anil sent you. I’m pretty sure things were supposed to happen in Phnom Penh? How’d you end up going from there into the jungle?”

“There was a change of plans.”

She smirks. “Obviously.”

“You know how it is, things don’t always go the way we want.”

“I’d say nine times out of ten, they don’t. Seriously though, your face is a wreck. You should have gotten this all cleaned up hours ago. BEFORE you got on a plane home. What if they get infected? You don’t know what’s in that jungle. They could have some crazy poisonous plant life or something. What if you got into something like THAT?”

“I think it’s safe to say we’d know something like that by now. What are you so squeamish about? You’ve seen me in worse shape.”

“Now THAT’S an understatement. Have you ever thought I just don’t like seeing you banged up and scratched up? Have you ever thought maybe I’ve had just about enough of all of that? Can’t I nurse you back to health from something else for a change? Like...I don’t know...the man flu?”

“You always complain when I get sick. That I’m too needy.”

“I have never once said you’re too needy. I have, however, complained about how whiny you get. How you come down with a head cold and act like you’re dying. How do you go through the things you have and survive what you’ve survived, and think a cold will be the cause of your demise?”

“Hey, those colds get pretty bad.”

“Worse than…” Pausing, she sits straight up and drops the tweezers onto the bed, then soaks a cotton ball with peroxide. “...you know what? I’m not even going to finish that sentence because that will only bring bad juju. Talking about all of that? Revisiting it? Nothing good will come of that. And we need good juju, don’t you think?”

“Are you drunk?”

“Who? Me? No. Maybe. Just a little. Is a whole bottle of wine for oneself considered drunk?”

“For normal people, yeah. For you…”

“Look, I had a rough day. In fact, it’s been a brutal FOUR days. And right now? Well right now, I should be getting laid. Or at the very least, have my husband going down on me. And what I’m doing? Playing nursemaid. And not in a fun, sexy way either. Not the kind of playing nursemaid that comes with little outfits and orgasms.”

He grins. “You ARE drunk.”

“I’m just saying, I had other plans for this evening and picking pieces of the Cambodian jungle out of your face wasn’t part of it.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“Mmm...hmmm…”

“And I’d rather be doing other stuff too, but…”

“But the shit hit the fan and everything got fucked up and you ended up doing God knows what, doing God knows where. I’m not even going to ask how it went. I think I’m scared to hear the answer. It was obviously a dumpster fire if you went from the capital city of Cambodia to the bowels of hell.”

“There were a couple...snags.”

She returns to the task of investigating and cleaning the various scratches that mar his face and neck. “Anil let on everything went great.”

“Probably just didn’t want to worry you.”

“Was there something for me to worry about?”

“Not as far as I’m concerned. I’ve been involved in way worse things. It was pretty straight forward. Two easy hits.”

“First one went okay?”

“Exactly the way it should have.”

“Second one?”

“I thought you weren’t going to ask?”

“You don’t want me asking?”

“I don’t care if you ask. You just said you weren’t going to because you were afraid of what you might hear.”

“Do I have anything to be afraid of?”

“Esme, seriously? Do you want to know or not? It wasn’t THAT bad. I’m here, aren’t I? In one piece?”

She nods.

“It honestly wasn't that big of a disaster. Things got a little fucked up. The second one didn’t go the way it should have. I had to make some decisions; change some shit around. The Mark wasn’t where he was supposed to be. I had to find out where he was and I had to figure out how to make things work.”

“Well good thing it WAS you that Anil asked. Because it probably would have been a lot worse. At least you know what you’re doing; you can think on your feet and stay calm and focused. A change like that? That would have thrown other people off. They probably wouldn’t have been able to get the second guy. They would have been too frazzled. That kind of change would have totally thrown them off.”

“Are you speaking highly of me, wife?”

“I am. I tend to speak very highly of you. All the time. To everyone. Even when I’m picking pieces of Cambodia out of your face.” She grabs the tweezers and unceremoniously inserts the tips into a large scratch at the side of his left eye; yanking out a piece of wood. “And it’s a nice face, by the way. So I don’t particularly like you coming home all messed up.”

“Like I said, I’ve had worse.”

“I will give you that.”

They lapse into a comfortable, companionable silence; his hands resting on her thighs as she continues to work at disinfecting and cleaning the scratches and her fingertips rub wound aftercare ointment into his skin. And he admires her as she does so. That steely look of determination on her face; lips set in a thin line and her eyes slightly narrowed and her hands steady yet gentle. And she looks so beautiful in that moment; in the mixture of moonlight and the glow given off by the bedside lamps. Hair pushed into a messy ‘up sweep’; held together by various clips -colourful and unicorn themed, ‘borrowed’ from Addie’s room- and bobby pins. Her face freshly cleaned and scrubbed; bearing the lingering scent of the grapefruit and pomegranate body wash she’d fallen in love with months ago. Clad in what she considers pyjamas; a faded and slightly tattered plaid button down shirt he’d worn during their Colorado days that is enormous on her tiny frame.

It’s been just over twelve years. Since he’d first laid eyes on her; standing on his front porch in The Kimberley in her little denim shorts and that yellow tank top that clung to her like a second skin. He’d known right away that he was in trouble; feeling things he hadn’t felt in a hell of a long time when she so much glanced in his direction and offered a small, almost nervous smile. And it would take him nearly ten years to admit what she’d probably known not long after their initial meeting: that his heart was hers from the very first day.

“You’re beautiful.” He says now, and a smile tugs at the corners of her mouth.

“Are YOU drunk?”

“I haven’t drank in five years. I’m truthful.”

“Maybe your eyesight is worse than you think,” she teases, and dabs a peroxide dampened cotton ball against the scratches on his forehead.

“Or maybe you just hate compliments. Even twelve years into things.”

“You know I don’t handle compliments well. Even now. I know that doesn’t make sense, considering we HAVE been together that long and you’re the master of compliments and sweet talk, but that’s just who I am. It’s just me.”

“I will break you yet.”

“You’ve been trying for over a decade. Same way you’ve been trying to make an honest woman out of me.”

[hel-phoenyx]

Toshiki and Ian belong to @corneille-but-not-the-author, Ajeng to @soupedepates

___

There's a man a the Office for Special Investigations.

I didn't join it from the goodness of my heart, nor am I seeking justice. Justice is a concept only the naïve can uphold in this fucked-up country. Justice is an excuse the powerful use to crush the powerless. Justice is the reason invoked for massacres and death.

If there was any justice, she would not have died this way. Like a dog sent to slaughter.

So no, I am not here because of justice. That's why it's annoying to witness that man talking about giving it back its real meaning and saving lives under its name. Is that justice to you ? I think is ingenuity.

That word fits so bad to his face.

He's always frowning. Or emotionless. Always in uniform, even at times we don't need ti, like when Ian invites us to drink after work or he comes at my flat to inquire about the cases i'm working on.

You're married to your work, are you ?

You make it sound like it's a bad thing.

Well, work sometimes end up dying.

People die. Not work.

He doesn't know what I've seen. He doesn't know what i've witnessed. He will never know. He will live, and die, with this ideal of justice. Like Ian, biting off more than he can chew. I see the shadow of death looming over both of them. I saw what happens when people of power bit more than they can chew.

Everything in him is dark. Hair, jet black, skin, a deep brown, even his clothes are always grey or black. The uniform, not even accompanied with some kind of accessories like Ajeng's. The only color is his eyes. A bright orange, always focused forward.

He's my superior. A king in a king-less word. But he's not a king worth serving. Too naïve. Too focused. Too much of a loner.

I've tried so many things to break that shell. Jokes. Jesting. Seduction, sometimes. Everything. Anything.

Just prove me you're not a robot programmed with a false idea of what runs this world.

So many people stronger than him fell in my crutches. i've run a country for so long with a jingle of my bells. Yet in front of me I'm hitting a wall, and the one's cracking is not his face.

Instead it's the mask.

It's so annoying to be in front of someone who's resisting me completely. Always with those cold eyes and cold facts and the hands full of paperwork he handing me, go to work instead of acting like a fool, Mérénias. I am a fool. I was a fool. You are just too young to remember a time it was a compliment.

Why don't I ever see you crack ?

Just crack.

It's infuriating how inhuman you are. I should be the only one here. The only one not living.

I joke about your machine heart and you don't move a lid. I try the seduction methods that made kings unfaithful to their partners and you don't even look my way. Abyss, you have seen me bare, you have seen the cracks on my body, something I never showed to anyone in so many years, and instead of the fissures I wanted to see complimenting mine on your face you just pushed papers in my hands and turned away so I could have the time to dress up.

Stop playing around and work, you horny fuck.

I am not.

I hate how you break the mask through your own wall and yet it's the only thing you can see.

You're a naïve, emotionless, insentitive machine with a pretty face sticked upon it

You shouldn't be

I shouldn't be hoping you'd be

Anything else.

[krikeymate]

Fictober 2023: Day 30: “Are you with me?” - Run Rabbit Run Fandom: Scream Rating: T Warnings: Violence.

➖

Sam takes a deep breath, her fingers clutching a white-knuckled grip around the hilt of her knife.

Her father’s knife.

The one he used to Kill. Destroy. Ruin.

She smiles –

To Stalk. Hunt. Haunt.

– And pulls down the mask.

Sam’s not her father.

She’s something better.

With an indisputable elation in her chest, she creeps forward, following her unsuspecting prey through the dark corridors of the university.

It’s so easy, so simple.

See, Billy’s flaw is he went after the innocent. That he was selfish.

Sam doesn’t have that problem.

People turn the other way when it’s the guilty who die, no one ever wants to look too close, to find the truth. It’s the perfect crime, ridding the world of those it’s better off without. Everyone agrees with it, but few have the guts to make it a reality.

But Sam’s always know she was stronger than most.

Her rabbit pauses as a shadowed figure steps into their path.

The corridor holds its breath; one, two, three…

The seconds drag on.

Sam waits with excitement, a dog pulling at its leash, preparing for the moment the clip is released; her toy with anxiety, taking a step back at the unexpected intrusion to their midnight wander.

The guest stays frozen with a calm restraint, the way one might if they know what comes next.

“Wh- who’s there?” their bunny calls out through shaking hands. “What are you doing? What do you want?”

Every unanswered question makes the boy fidget ever more, and Sam’s blood sings in anticipation.

“You haven’t been answering my calls, Bobby.”

Now Billy’s other big problem was his subpar choice of partner.

“That really hurt my feelings.”

Stu was pathetic, a stupid little lapdog, begging for attention from his… brother.

“See… I want to play a game. Would you like to play a game Bobby?”

But maybe that wasn’t Billy’s fault. Maybe Sam just lucked out on the sibling department.

“Wh-what kind of game?”

“How about… Tag?”

The leash snaps, Sam lunges forward, teeth of the blade sinking into flesh. Clothing rips apart like paper beneath the sharpened steel.

He screams like a dying animal. It’s pitiful.

She only gave him a kiss.

A part of her thinks that he deserves to die for that alone. He cries as a match singes his fingers, but Sam, she and Tara? They were thrown into the volcano and had to climb their way out themselves, bloody hand by bloody hand, flesh stripped from their skin. They emerged hardened. No one would hurt them again.

“I thought you liked to play games, Robert,” she coos as he begins to crawl away, sobbing.

“Please!” he begs, “please don’t, please stop.”

“Oh Robert.”

It takes everything she has to stay calm at the feeble display.

“Did you ever stop?”

He freezes, shaking.

“Did those girls beg on their hands and knees, crawling away, crying?”

He turns his head to face her, falling to his side.

He finds no Ghost.

Sam is alive.

Her mask is as human as she is. She’s not her father, she’s a person. That’s what she does it for. For people, for her person.

“How do you- You- You don’t know anything!”

Sam steps forward. The snivelling man crawls back.

“So you don’t want to play tag then?” she teases.

The horrified expression on his face as he bumps into her forgotten partner is worth the delay in justice.

He should be scared. He deserves every agonising moment, every slither of hope he can muster so they can only rip it away again. They want him to suffer, as others have suffered because of him. As they have suffered.

“You’re being rude again Bobby,” Tara chastises.

Sam smiles beneath her mask. She couldn’t ask for a better partner.

She reaches down to grab their prey by his jacket, pulling him up only to slam him down again. The cry he lets out as his injured back slams into the concrete floor is music to her ears.

She slips the knife under his chin and lets him sweat as she considers where to begin to his blubbering symphony.

Glancing up, she finds Tara watching, enraptured, a look of wonder in her eyes.

Sam wants nothing more than to remove the bandanna from her sister’s face, to pull back the hood, to reveal it all and revel in her love.

But they have to work before they can play.

“Are you with me?” Sam asks, breathless. She sits on one knee and offers her knife.

She doesn’t think her heart has ever beat so fast as she waits for Tara’s answer. They haven’t done this before.

It’s always Sam who does the killing, who makes the mess, who takes her pound of flesh. And that’s how Sam likes it.

There’s a part of her that doesn’t want Tara involved. The rational part of her still alive inside of her that begs her not to do this, to keep her hands clean, to keep her sister clean.

It’s cut to ribbons beneath Tara’s hidden smile as she takes the blade.

“I’m with you.”

[bestbonnist]

Chapter 171.1

The battle between the immortals is played for laughs, but the way that each of their arguments is connected to their core character traits makes me think it's indicative of more deeply ingrained conflicts. Let's break it down!

Tonari's same old same old. She feels indebted to the people she loves, Fushi especially, and believes that if she wants to be around them, she needs to be able to pull her weight. She doesn't think she has any helpful skills apart from a base level of poison resistance, so that's what she focuses on. Tonari puts a lot of emphasis on how "useful" it is when she dies, on whether or not her death helped her friends or not. She puts herself down and uses herself like a tool for the sake of the people she loves.

Gugu is similar to Tonari in that he uses his body like a tool for the benefit of his friends. As an impoverished, abandoned child—also very similar to Tonari—Gugu thought his only attribute was physical labor, especially after he had his accident and from his point of view, lost his humanity. Gugu got into his accident in the first place because he put himself in harm's way to save Rynn. It's a mark of how little he values his safety.

The main difference between Gugu and Tonari, in this case, is that Tonari sees herself the same as other people, which is to say: bad. Humanity is all a bunch of assholes, and she's no different. Her friends are the rare exception. Whereas Gugu sees all of humanity as fundamentally good. And Gugu, being a monster, is below them. So Gugu is willing to lay down his life for everyone, and Tonari is willing to do it for the people she loves (yes I know she literally says she does it "for everyone" but she's only talking about the people in the park with her).

Messar says that he's enjoying his life but he keeps dying in horrible ways. He froze to death nine fucking times and hasn't learned his lesson. Is that really enjoyable? It seems more like he's disguising a disregard for his own well-being as freedom. And as Hylo says, he has no purpose, so he's just kind of stagnant right now. It's, uh... It's giving depression.

If Messar is too hedonistic, then Hylo is too restrained. By setting goals for himself, like saving all of Renryrr or becoming a baker, he's able to get a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that makes him happy. But he has no chill. Those goals are the will to live that he thinks are so important. Without those goals, he's no different than Messar. Only Messar is able to find the worth of moments spent doing nothing.

This is also literally the same shit they said in Chapter 165.1. This argument has been going on for five hundred years.

Messar "left unhappiness back in Renryrr," referring to when Alme died. His reason for living was to protect her, he was literally unable to move after she died and got killed by a knocker. Moving on is all well and good, but if his recklessness is any indication, he hasn't moved on at all, he's just trying not to think about it. As Hylo—who has actually done the work to move forward after the loss of his foster mother—points out, you can't really call that happy. Hylo is so harsh on Messar because he used to be aimless as well. But Hylo found something to pursue in the Renryrr arc and Messar isn't even looking.

In her first life, March agreed to be sacrificed because it was the way to keep the most people safe. She didn't want her friend or her little sister and their parents to be hurt, so she went along with Hayase's plan. She also died saving Parona's life. At this point in time her idea of a good life/good death was similar to Tonari's and Gugu's—that is, to use her death to make the people she loves happy. But as a ghost, she saw firsthand how much her death affected Parona. Being dead wasn't better for the people around her like she thought it was. Now the way she doesn't make everyone sad is by staying alive. She encourages others to do the same, as seen in this chapter when she chastises Messar for not taking care of himself.

March also takes this into account during important decisions, like when Fushi consults their friends on whether they should take the Beholder's powers or not and she calmly tells them that the choice is theirs. A huge difference from the time she freaked out when they told her they would be losing consciousness indefinitely at the end of the previous era. March's way of living is at odds with Tonari and Gugu's way of dying, but they're all dedicating themselves to the people they love.

Bon doesn't get involved in arguments, ever since the Renryrr arc he's relegated himself to a mediator/advisor role. He avoids having any contrary opinions and goes with what will placate the most people. I can't say much more about him because he almost never gives away what he's really thinking (sadly he is not a perspective character anymore), but this is definitely a continuing pattern. It's a shame because he's actually pretty good at decision making, although he stepped down due to the number of poor choices he made during the Renryrr arc.

Kai, and Eko don't care very much about the best death argument, which doubles as a "whose life has the most meaning" argument. I wonder if it's because they found a reason to live by working as mechanics and transferring their good points to people within the system, so they don't feel as insecure about it.

Well, that's that! I think their squabbling was a neat way to introduce the issues that'll be explored in this arc and to show how Fushi's friends have adjusted to immortality. The doll point blank asks them why they're alive, and in a roundabout way she gets an answer: they're alive to die.

[joycrispy]

So I've mentioned before that I've had a lot of arts n' crafts small creative projects on the go (and a few not-so-small ones, but that's another post), and I just kinda felt like talking about 3 of them.

SO I WILL.

1. Bookbinding

This is more of an ongoing learning process than any one particular book I'm binding --but the process is going very well. Pictured here is the latest attempt, and my most ambitious attempt in that it was mostly me going, 'huh, I wonder if that would work' and dicking around until I got some sort of result.

(Example: I dyed that cover black. Did not know if it would work. It...kinda does? Further testing required.)

The final book is far from perfect, but I'm actually very happy with it. It's like a prototype of the kind of book I've been wanting to make all along, the whole reason I picked up bookbinding. Old fashioned tomes are the goal here.

More on that in a bit.

2. DnD Character Journals

At the moment I am in three different ongoing campaigns (including one I'd been playing in for two years before Covid happened, now picked back up again, and another which is a sequel to a previously completed campaign. Exciting stuff. The third is a character I usually reserve for one-shots, but she got a whole campaign this time. Good for her!), and I have completed journals for two out of my three characters.

(If you don't know what a character journal is: it's basically just a Character Sheet, but way more extra and ~Aesthetic. Sort of a functional gaming scrapbook. I also design mine to make the game as accessible as possible to my very ADHD brain. I highly recommend it, as a practice).

Pictured here is the main stat page for my monk, Wormwood, who just reached level 5.

Speaking of DnD...

3. Campaign Journal

So anyone who has played with me knows that I take EXTREMELY DETAILED NOTES, but this time around I'm taking the notes, immediately converting them into readable prose recountings (as opposed to fast n' easy notetaker's shorthand, which only makes sense to me), and then sharing them as an editable Google document with the group. They can add anything I missed, or flesh out details I skimmed over, add their character's POV of a scene, or whatever they like!

(This also has the neat side-effect of generating material for the DM's World Anvil, which is nice. He's free to pick and choose what he wants, or ask me to write an article for him, etc.)

This makes it very easy for the group to refresh their memories between sessions, but also, when the campaign is finished...there will be a very thorough record of it.

Last year I had the thought that, with the way I take my notes, I could easily print out a campaign journal and bind it as a physical book, and then have that as a memento/give it as a gift to the other players.

That's an exceptional amount of work to do AFTER the fact, but doing it one session at a time, as they happen...that's very doable.

I mean. People bind novel-length fanfiction for their own personal collections. There's no reason I shouldn't bind a novel-length campaign, lol.

And I can personalize each book to each player, as well! No, yeah, this is EXACTLY the kind of thing I love to contribute to a game. The group's excited, I'm excited, lots to look forward to, here.

I have other projects, including two large ones that are each going to take the better part of 2024, which slows all these little ones down...but I'm consistently whittling down the daily to-do list into something more manageable.

And work is nice right now because my main job atm is something I'm really, really good at...

(charity fundraising: my location is 1st in the district and 7th in the country for donations, and almost a third of those donations were made through me. I'm very, very good at this part of my job)

(I tend to be good at things I care about --ADHD, like I say-- and our partner charity benefits local queer and disabled kids who need shelter and support, so, YES, I CARE ABOUT THAT)

...so it makes the days pass quickly and peacefully. I get to come home in a good mood to all my little arts n' crafts. It's been very fun.

I'm glad I have time to be on tumblr again, though.

[atopearth]

Piofiore: Episodio 1926 Part 7 - Henri Lambert Route & Overall Review

Henri wearing glasses showing a gentle smile is so beautiful. I honestly wish for him to be happy so I'm looking forward to this route! Henri working as a translator is so nice! It's something I would love to do as well, so it makes me like him even more haha. Seeing them get to live peacefully is nice, and they're so silly but I can understand why they would think they shouldn't try to "change" their relationship but c'mon Henri!! No girl leaves her home and everyone she cares for, for a guy she doesn't love! The two of them holding hands and eating lunch together is cute~ I hope they get to live more openly without fear of being chased soon. The more excited Lili was to return home, the more obvious that the Phantom probably killed the children, but I still hoped that it wouldn't happen. They were such a happy little family. I know they need a reason to leave and face their problems, the Phantom and everything, but this is just so so cruel. I feel terrible for Liliana. I can't imagine how it must feel for her, she's the one who cared for the children the most and saw them the most, and she had to be the first to witness the bloodied house and see their bodies, I can't imagine the devastation. But I also feel bad for Henri knowing that their deaths were because of him.

Honestly, it's crazy to think that in the first game, I really felt nothing for Henri. But after seeing more of his story in 1926, his feelings and now seeing many more thoughts and emotions from him, I can't help but wish that Henri can be happy despite the things he has done. Otherwise, it's really sweet to see how happy the guys are to see her well. I always appreciate how kind Gil is in expressing how much he cares for Lili and how he's always willing to help her if she needs help. Even Yang's roundabout way of telling her he's happy to see her well was cute. I understand Henri's reasons for leaving Lili with the Falzone but I'm still hurt😭 He's too considerate for his own good, he doesn't care about himself enough. And I agree with Nicola, if I lived Henri's life where his family all died because of this Key Maiden thing and the Falzone, and then I was forced to live with distant relatives of the Falzone that hated me, yeah I don't think many people would not want revenge. Lmao at Lee being surprised at Yang saying he cares about needing to protect all the innocents dying in Burlone. You could feel Yang's sarcasm😂 Wow, Sebastiano actually killed every single former employee of the casino, all those poor people.. I actually really like how Lili isn't recklessly wanting to go look for Henri and instead just asked Orlok to give him a letter for her, I think that's very sweet since she understands everyone wants her to stay safe. I never knew I needed this, but a little Nicola and a little Henri playing together all the time back in the day is the cutest thing ever, I want to cry at the potential of how happy and sweet Henri's life could have been if he stayed at the Falzone manor with him. It just breaks my heart seeing them smile so happily.

I'm so glad Sister Sofia showed Lili the letters Henri sent to her. Lili always put Henri first and never sent any further letters back to Sister Sofia after the first one because she wanted to protect Henri and prevent any chances of people tracing his whereabouts, but Henri always put Lili first by constantly updating Sister Sofia of their lives and apologising for taking Lili away from her. He's such a thoughtful and silly guy😭 Dante, Nicola, Orlok and Sister Sofia planning a way to help Lili meet Henri without him running away was the sweetest thing ever. Everyone knows how hard she's been trying to fake being cheerful, so seeing them care so much for Lili is really heartwarming. I love how they all helped her meet Henri, and I'm so happy that he's realised how important it is for Lili to stay with him. Lmao when Nicola was making fun of how Sebastiano said Yang wasn't beautiful😂😂 It must have been difficult for Henri to go back to the Falzone manor, but I'm glad Giulia welcomed him so warmly and he can have some happy memories here. I'm glad Nicola helped Lili understand that she loves Henri, like lady, no one abandons their whole life for sympathy! It's so sad that Sebastiano dug up and stole Chloe's (Henri's sister) remains but Henri only thought about how it's good that Sebastiano is focused on him and not Lili. Honestly, I do enjoy how crazy Phantom is in this route. The fact that he killed beautiful women who looked like Chloe to gather parts of them to make the perfect Chloe is just so insane but very fascinatingly him.

I love how the guys encouraged Lili to give Henri a kiss to cheer him up lmao, but dang was she brave to actually do it! I felt so bad for Lili, Henri is really an idiot😭😭 I know he thinks nothing of himself and that's why he doesn't believe Lili could ever love someone like him, but that was sad. Nicola laughing at Henri for restraining himself was funny though, made me feel a bit better. I love seeing Henri interacting with all the guys, they're all so different and fun. Lmao at all the guys picking on Henri for having not done anything with Lili this whole time even though they eloped and lived together for so long. I died when Yang said he was a eunuch😂 I love how even Dante shyly joined in taunting Henri into doing the job of disqualifying Lili from being the Key Maiden haha. Henri is the best kind of partner for food outings! He'll notice when you can't decide between your options and just chooses both for you and he'll let you eat the best one while he eats the leftovers of the one you prefer least. Lili is so lucky🥹 I loved their date and I loved the confession. Henri expressing how much he loves her and how he thought he didn't deserve her but couldn't help but continue to want her was very sweet. Henri kissing Lili over and over again, and teasing her so gently was so nice to see, so happy for them🥹 Henri feeding her breakfast was the cutest thing ever! I didn't want to remember the pain of those poor children getting killed by someone as insane as Sebastiano, but it was also heartwarming to see Henri finally give Lili the handkerchief they sewed for both her and Henri.

Even though Sebastiano is a nut, I do recognise that his actions were probably the best way for him to force Henri to become the version of him that lived on hatred and vengeance again. And by doing all that, Sebastiano would be the focus of that hatred, so it would make him happy that Henri is so focused on him and constantly think about him. In his own twisted way, it must have made him so happy to see Henri think about him so much this whole route. It was obvious that by this point, there's no way Henri would still be super hung up over Chloe and her remains, but it was nice to see him actually say it to Sebastiano and make him die knowing that Henri will never be who he wanted him to be. It's sad that Chloe's remains will never be truly found since Sebastiano either hid it somewhere they can't find, destroyed it or locked it in that box that will explode if touched in the wrong way, but I think it's fine. The dead will remain dead and there is never any guarantee they are resting in peace as bones anyway. I loved the ending, it was so sweet seeing them smile so happily together freely in France continuing the peaceful life they had, the flower ring was beautiful! Honestly, definitely the best route and highlight of this game haha. The tragic ending was pretty cruel to have Henri go with her on such a happy date (that I enjoyed too!) and then have him end the night telling her she needs to sleep with someone and that he wouldn't recommend Yang and refuses to be the one even though she clearly expressed that she wants him. That ending was definitely much more devastating than I expected. I felt so terrible having to think of Dante's torture and Henri's mental breakdown. The only solace that could be found was that Gil died in a way that he would have liked and Orlok got to die with Rosberg, whereas everyone else was forced to die at the hands of things or people they hated the most and were forced to die with extreme regrets. But I guess I feel the worst for Lili because she will continue to live being imprisoned, shackled, raped and broken by the hollow shell of the man she loves and the crazy guy who will never let them go. Probably the most tragic ending in this game tbh and now I feel too down about this whole thing to go sleep lol! Lmao at the bad ending where Sebastiano uses a saw to cut Lili's head off, what a guy.

Overall, I kinda wish I did the tragic ending before the good ending because that shit was brutal LOL. Now my impression is that I finished this game with everyone dying haha! Anyway, it's all good, I'll live because even though it was a tough ending to swallow, I liked it because it truly was a tragic ending compared to some of the other ones. Basically, Henri's route was wonderful and exceeded expectations. I really didn't know what to think about him when I first started this route because I didn't like his route in the original game and felt it was too shallow in terms of story and just the whole running away with Henri thing. But dang did Henri's existence and personality change my mind not long after hahaha. Not only was the plot engaging with how Henri fended against Sebastiano along with getting to know a bit more of their history together and Sebastiano's obsession but the romance was so beautiful too. Innocent and filled with the desire to be together but feeling like it's better to not be together, but then in the end still choosing to be together, I love that shit hahahah. It was also really fun to see all the guys appear alot throughout the whole route because their interactions were just so fun and supportive! Sebastiano was also a much more compelling villain this time around and his insanity just went off the charts which I loved. I feel like the reason why I didn't like him in Alternativa is because Sebastiano's character was basically made for Henri, so without Henri, his character feels like "nothing" which is probably what he himself feels like too lol. Very satisfying in all aspects imo. I would totally read this route again.

Overall Review

All in all, I would give this game an 8/10 just for Henri's route itself haha, it was so good. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the romance in Nicola and Gil's routes. I will always be weak to Gil the gentleman haha. I would rate Nicola's route above Gil's just because Teo's struggles were nice to see and much more understandable compared to what he does in other routes, whereas I just wanted Gil's dad to disappear every time he appeared lol. Yang's route was nice and sweet but that wasn't what I signed up for with Yang, so even though it was nice, it felt kinda lacking. However, in terms of side character interactions, I probably loved the route the most just below Henri's because I actually really liked Rui and his story when it came to Yuan. I thought I would love Yuan more but I honestly fell for Rui instead haha. It's actually adorable how cute he was with the twins and how much of a good guy he was to admit his mistakes towards judging Lili and respecting her afterwards. I have to say though, I also like Lee much more in this game because his interactions with the twins in Alternativa was so fun haha. As usual, when it comes to Dante, even though I did enjoy the route much more this time around, I do think the story with Raul and the Falzone was pretty weak and bland, it doesn't help that other than being pretty, Raul is pretty much useless as a person with no personality lol. I also warmed up a bit more to the romance between Lili and Orlok but it's pretty outrageous that Orlok doesn't get any steamy scenes or just more romance focused CGs, but yeah as usual, Orlok isn't my type so I wasn't really into it anyway. So my favourite to least favourite route would be Henri, Nicola, Gilbert - Yang, Dante and then Orlok. Definitely recommend playing this game even if just for Henri's route tbh, it was so worth it haha. It's got pretty similar vibes to the original game and I'd say even though there are quite a few boring moments too, I still very much enjoyed it, 8/10.

[sunset-peril]

Villain here. Yeah fr. I was kind of a jerk in my post/tags but only because (especially on that day) I was quite frustrated and fed up of the "m*phlink happens in aoc" "um aksually m*phlink is canon in aoc ☝""zelink can never happen in aoc" arguments I kept seeing online in various places.

I do understand wishful thinking and all but it has felt like nobody saying these things actually played the game (or watched the cutscenes all the way through), just purely repeating what others said and running with the fact the champions are alive while ignoring the actual content presented in hwaoc.

Like, if I was a writer setting out to make m*phlink canon, I would not give her a single scene of focus (her introduction) and then have her in the background for the rest of the game, while writing zelink scenes like that castle hallway moment that feel pulled straight from a fan's pre-calamity zelink fanfic lol. Koei Techmo/Nintendo's intent seems pretty obvious (especially since they went and added an entire extra zelink montage in DLC content), so I really don't know how "m*phlink canon in aoc" became such a popular idea?

There's also the robot in the room: Terrako. The name means "earth child" and becomes glued to both Zelda and Link as if they're his parents. I mean one of the DLC scenes even makes them both look like out-of-breath parents who have been searching high and low for their missing toddler (the comedy of the moment being that Terrako is actually more than fully capable of handling himself and they just missed the intense battle that happened)

NOTE: If anyone decided to reblog this, please do not add any ship tags for anyone. That's gonna be my policy moving forward for content like this.

~~~

Completely and entirely understandable. No judgement here. Can't judge actually, I'm a problem sometimes. I've been guilting of misinterpretations too. I had my crap called on my characterizations of Rhoam called out this year, and I've had to revisit both BotW and AoC to fix it. If I blocked everyone who had One of Those Days where they decided to pick a fight against the Fandom, especially for a mischaracterization, I'd be blocking all my mutuals, a lot of people I respect in the Fandom, and also I'd be blocking myself. We're human it happens. So long as you don't endorse being a butt.

I lose my lid on misinterpretations a lot more than I really want to admit. Especially when they have that real coercive wording of "accept the thing as canon or else," or just refuse to acknowledge itself as a headcanon, then get butthurt when they are (very politely or gently) fact checked by someone else. Both of which could have been entirely avoided if people were upfront with whether the Canon had been regarded or not (which is usually what sinks my battleship).

I've sniffed both ends of the skunk (does that saying work?) concerning this whole mess with AoC and BotW and all that jazz just from fic writing alone. Having ZeLink be canon and have there be a true reason for the Zora Armor's existence? Yikes. Piss keyboard warriors on both sides off. (the gist of it being that Link was part of a dying sub-tribe to the Hylians and agreed to an arranged marriage to Mipha to prevent himself from having to commit inc*st, however, Mipha was clear that she knew Link didn't love her and that he only agreed in order to save his sister, and also willingly dissolved their contract when he fell in love with Zelda instead. But that's another post)

But I'd never try to coerce someone into accepting that as the reason for BotW's semi-confusing set up. For all canon purposes, I blame the Zora themselves for not critically thinking about Link's current situation, and believe that they may have been unintentionally manipulative to him simple because they weren't really thinking about Link's complete absence of memory/sense of self. Yet again, not something I'd force somebody to believe as canon. And emphasis on "unintentionally," because I really don't see malice in any of them. Especially Sidon (and whoo, he's a whole other dumpster fire)

As someone who would easily place Age of Calamity into the My Top 3 Zelda Games (shoot me, I know), I've spent a stupid amount of time analyzing that game. The idea for ZeLink being pregnant at the time of Calamity innocently enough came from me and my cousins analyzing the game together and actually making fun of the sheer waistline difference between the white Prayer/Priestess Dress and her pre-Calamity armor. And don't you know that would make people boil if I tried to present that as canon 😂

I fully believe Terrako is 10/10 intended and written to be Zelda and Link's "son." But I wouldn't use any fanon discourse to try and prove that. I don't think I need to with the game in hand. There can be a bit of "stretch" I think that ZeLink fans pull in determining how early in the game Terrako "decides" Link's his dad (I don't believe this happened in the cutscene where Link defends Zelda from the Yiga and Terrako beeps a ton and kind of bites at his ankles, which is where I've seen a lot of ZeLink-ers say it happens). But to me there's absolutely no doubt that Nintendo and Koei intended for Terrako to be their child. And some fans' decisions to try and define One Instance™️ that Zelda/Link/Terrako became one family doesn't detract from the fact that the game heavily appears to be going in that direction. I mean, Zelda is clearly his mom, don't need a degree in Nintendo to figure that one out, which raises the question of why Terrako is almost always following Link around instead of his "mom." I also won't force people to accept that if they don't want to, as long as they at least acknowledge what the canon is actually saying and not what their fanon desires. Points for the newbie fans/offline fans for that one because they're not in this discourse mud all the live long day! (I also watched the Restoring Terrako cutscene again to make sure I'm not accidentally lying, and when Terrako wakes back up and recognizes Zelda, Link does that nod + very slight smile thing that he does to Zelda when Calamity is defeated. He nods a lot in the game of course, but I think those are the only two times he's nodded and smiled. Don't quote me I didn't rewatch the entire game)

The DLC at times definitely feels like Link and Zelda dealing with their little toddler, haha. That picture he takes of them both at the end OOF.

Honestly, it really feels like Mipha is ignored once the Zora Princess plotline is over. Unless I'm severely miscounting, she has about as many "alone" moments with Daruk as she does with Link. And ain't nobody shipping them in AoC! (as far as I'm aware, I'm sure there's someone)

I feel like if Link was supposed to have any chance of falling in love with Mipha in the BotW storyline/universe at ALL, they would have made that astoundingly clear in Age of Calamity. But they don't. It feels even more like a joke in AoC than it did in BotW/TotK. The DLC slams the lid on those fingers even harder.

In fact, we could sit here for the whole night debating about whether or not any ZeLinkness in TotK was already written/known to Nintendo when this game was made AND whether or not they specifically made this game Heavy on the ZeLink or Not Heavy on the ZeLink simply because of whether or not there would be ZeLink in TotK. Because there was at least some time where there was production overlap between the two games. No clue how much, but there was some.

Actually, despite whether or not I wanted to make Link end up with Zelda/Mipha, I still wouldn't have cast her aside like it did. After the Zora Princess plot when Mipha bonds with Ruta, it starts feeling like her only driving motive is her affections for Link. Which we know from Champion's Ballad, the Zora Princess plotline, AND when Sidon/Riju/Yunobo/Teba fall out of the sky that her love for her brother, father and people equates (I would actually say "exceeds") any Link-related motives or personality points that Mipha had. So I would force the story/game to put Mipha in places where Link is completely out of sight out of mind. Because there are some parts of BotW/AoC where it acts like Link's her only purpose in life. Which is a problem.

If I wanted to make sure the public knew that Link was supposed to love her and not Zelda, I would have made it dang sure it was obvious. And the only thing I really find obvious in AoC is that her affections are played almost like a joke (or at best a subplot where everything but the beginning and end were cut from the game last minute). I can't remember how to unlock the Zora Armor in AoC, what quests you have to do, but I do remember it was a LOT. Like, the fact that you have to do a LOT of mediocre side quests (I think you have to be post-game to unlock it? I cant remember, but it raises more points if you do) to unlock it instead of it being accessed through the main story says something about Nintendo's intentions, and to me that "something" smells like "included for reference/fanservice only". It was actually one of the last clothing items I got simply because there were a lot of hoops to go through to get it. (I mainly wanted to unlock it to read the description, and the description almost sounds like Link is making a joke of it, or if he's actually concerned that he could GET IN TROUBLE for having it which... raises a lot of flags).

I would have made sure Link got that armor during the main story if he was supposed to love Mipha. I would've made sure to include a part with Zelda and Terrako that more or less says "I know you like him, but he's not your dad" if he wasn't supposed to end up with Zelda. However, neither of those things exist. And they would HAVE to exist (or something very similar) to outweigh everything else occurring in that game.

The whole rest of the game smells so heavily of a ZeLink fanfiction, I actually want to laugh. I couldn't have based ZeLink fanfiction so heavily off this game if there was no ZeLink.

What also makes me want to laugh? Every interaction Urbosa and Revali have in that game. HYLIA she seems so done with him.

[thegeminisage]

rushed tng update bc i am in a HUGE HURRY. monday we watched "q who" and yesterday i caught "samaritan snare" and "up the long ladder."

q who: had been looking forward to this one for WEEKS. and we were SO SO SO CLOSE. i loved every single thing about the borg. i loved their look. i loved the buildup. i loved their creepy little borg babies. i love their creepy cube ship because getting menaced by cubes is the natural state of the enterprise.

BUT NO ONE. GOT. BORGED

they had the perfect opportunity, too...that ensign, gomez? she could have been beamed out of the ship instead of those 18 people dying and they could have seen her when they beamed onto the borg ship. it would have been a wonderful way to impress how different people are once they get borged. that said i did love gomez and i was glad to see her pop back up in another episode. ms motormouth she's so funny she literally just has adhd thank you star trek for the Woman

like, the climax of that was so...anticlimactic. q just warps them back? that's so boring. i was getting ready to give q another chance despite him being SO FUCKING ANNOYING in all his other appearances because he was kind of funny here. like, i see why you guys kept telling me he had something going on with picard. i find it completely horrible just to be clear but i cannot deny that it is going on

AND i loved whatever he had going on with guinan...she was literally ready to get his ass. i loooved her expanded role in this episode and getting to find out more about her

but to have the episode end by q just being like ok i win i;ll take you back now :) come on. we were doing SO well. i was THRILLED. what a case of blueballs. and i checked and apparently only SIX tng episodes deal with the borg? that is so much less than i thought. huge letdown. oh well.

samaritan snare: i really dont understand what they are trying to do with pulaski and picard...is this supposed to be a romantic thing...idgi and i do not like it. like, what's the point of having him almost not survive this operation and then needing HER HELP SPECIFICALLY when he already stated he was uncomfortable with her doing it? the entire thing just rubs me the wrong way.

largely this episode was annoying and i nearly had to stop and close the tab when wesley tried to daddy issues his way into getting picard to parent him

however 2 good things did happen. firstly was the story picard told about getting his ass stabbed when he was an ensign. "a certain giddy warmth actually i laughed out loud" that was something actually.

and the other good thing as when worf was like "you will die without honor. you will never attain the 24th level of awareness" to geordi like i fucking cracked up for real. i wish tng had less unfunny bad humor and more of that because it was hilarious

up the long ladder: this episode was so bad it's UNREAL.

first of all, did worf and pulaski fuck? did that actually happen? they keep trying to make her romantic will picard and then will's dad and now WORF? what is GOING ON on this fucking ship??

i was actually kind of into whatever she and worf had going on when it was just a "let's be reckless idiots and drink the tea" thing because it was just that fucking stupid that it worked its way around to being endearing but every time i make emotional progress with her i am set back. i'm sorry women.

the rest of this episode was also unspeakable bad way to do clones in the most boring way possible and LMAO at them all hating sex or whatever. because it's a way to make them appear more unnatural <3 ok.

even riker slutting it up with that one irish chick couldn't save it because. and i feel insane saying this. every time those guys were onscreen they played like the funny music. you know. when irish characters get the little jig music and it's funny because they're irish? 90s tv did this a lot. shore leave in tos did it too. i'm so exhausted

ALSO LMAOOO TURNING THIS POOR WOMAN INTO BREEDING STOCK...not even asking her...misogyny wins again. i'm sure we can find another woman somewhere dot meme. good fucking god

i don't remember what episodes come next and i don't care because i'm going in release order and guess what was released next. final frontier. spock movie. it's finally time to see him again.....................

[duckielover151]

THE ONE PIECE DIARIES

Episode Count: 400

Holy crap. It's been so hard to hold out for the 400th episode to write an update. Everything just got crazy in the last 10 episodes or so. There are so many things to talk about! Strap in for a long one.

Okay. First. Sabaody. A location that is as beautiful as it is horrifying... Honestly, I feel like it took just a little too long for that fact to sink in for the crew. What part of Hachi's "Stand by and do nothing even if someone gets shot in front of you" warning was unclear that things are pretty fucked up here? The government's corruption has escalated even further with this new, up-close look at the human- (and other) trafficking and slavery system. It's honestly astonishing that anyone supports the World Government at this point.

And don't even get me started on the World Nobles. Never has a punch been more overdue yet so satisfying. I want them to storm into this so called "Holy Land" and just start beating up anyone they can find there too. (It's been a minute since I've talked about Enel, but have I mentioned how much I hate god complex characters?)

And then, of course, was the mass introduction of so many important characters... (Supernova is such a cool name for a group of rising stars... Maybe not totally, scientifically accurate... but cool.)

I recognize a lot of those names. The only one I really know much about is Law. I believe I've gotten basically his entire backstory, but I'm excited to see it play out in person, the little details I'm sure to have missed. Kid and Killer are also really familiar names, though I don't actually know that much about them.

I can definitely see why Law and Kid in particular come up so much in the fandom, if their introduction is anything to go by. That fight with the three captains fending off the Navy outside the auction house may not have been the most impressive fight in the series, but it was also a really fun spectacle. Kid, Luffy, and Law have already got a great sort of chemistry and dynamic, and I'm excited to see that grow.

There were a few others who stood out who I'm also looking forward to getting to know better... Jewelry Bonney is an interesting one. She seems to have the ability to age and de-age herself at will, which could be super useful... Though she doesn't seem much like the type for espionage... She seems like someone who really walks her own path. Some of these introductions were a little rushed, but I feel like hers was really good. They got in everything we needed to know about her, including her main policy of not getting caught up in anyone else's bullshit. And the Straw Hats seems to specialize in getting caught up in other people's problems... I'd like to see her team up with our crew... but I kind of get the feeling that she'll end up being an enemy, or at least a hostile rival, whenever they meet again.

Basil Hawkins is the other one who really stood out to me. He's another interesting one who I'm really not sure where he'll stand in the future. He has the potential to be either really cool or really annoying. Fortunetelling has the potential to be a fascinating ability... I'll be interested to see if he pairs it with another talent... and just how much he relies on it. His assurance that it wasn't his time to die because his cards told him so while his crewmate was panicking... isn't exactly reassuring. The concept of fate can be a tricky one in fiction. He seems like a character who might get shot down just to make a point if he relies on it too much.

And! I can't believe I almost forgot about Rayleigh.

Now, the huge backstory element that he revealed... That the Roger Pirates were never actually captured; Gol D. Roger turned himself in because he was already dying of some incurable illness... is something I already knew. But damn, those were some really great reveal scenes. Hell, Rayleigh's reveal scene, where they pause for just that extra second before adding that he's the former pirate king's vice captain (I think I prefer the term first mate, to be honest...) was really great. Kind of gave me the shivers even though I already knew who he was.

There were some really, really great moments throughout his story too... The one where he's reliving Roger's last words to him before turning himself in... It just struck me all of a sudden and made me kind of unexpectedly emotional... to realize that Rayleigh wasn't remembering the scene as his younger self. He was still the old man sitting at the table with the Straw Hats while Roger's comparative youth (and overall vibe) was frozen in time, as it always will be...

I think it really reinforced that Rayleigh's moved on and is living in the present, no matter how much he may have been affected by it at the time. But I think it also raises some questions. And comparisons.

We've already seen other characters meeting Luffy and being struck by the resemblance to Roger. But I think it's going to be these crews' differences that really stand out to me. Because if the Rogers are all still alive and well... it's almost a little disappointing that they're not still out there raising hell in their own ways, even if the crew's disbanded.

I just can't help pondering what it would be like if the roles were reversed. Because while I'm sure Luffy wouldn't want his crew to risk their lives for him... especially if they all knew he was already dying... I also can't picture it going down any other way than his friends storming the execution platform. After everything he's proven he's willing to do to save a friend... I can't help but feel the best way to honor him would be to live their lives by his example. I can't imagine this crew just fading into obscurity, even if they lost their captain.

But maybe that just has to do with the biggest mystery of all. Rayleigh basically comes right out and says that they were all changed forever by whatever they experienced at the end of their journey, whatever the One Piece is... And that they all made a choice when confronted with that knowledge. And maybe the Straw Hats will make a different choice once they find it.

And I sure wish I could say I would have had Robin and Luffy's resolve, to decide I wanted to find it myself, no matter how long that might take... But I probably would have cracked and demanded answers. Whenever it all does get revealed... I feel like the fandom's gonna explode.

[indigo-sodapop]

Substack Spotlight!

This will be a continuously growing post (or series of posts because I wager this will get verrryyyy long soon) featuring pieces of writing from Substack that I've really enjoyed, and want to share with you! To read them, you don't need a Substack account, and you can subscribe to the writers with only your email address, if you'd like! Happy Reading!

The Enchanting History of Creepy Little Girl-Creatures by Ball-Jointed Diary

"This innocent thing has teeth; large, haunting eyes, a disturbing aspect that can’t quite be pinned down. Many BJD artists follow in the footsteps of Hans Bellmer, creating dolls with ghoulish and fragmented features in the surrealist vein. Often, the suffering of girlhood is made apparent and oddly pretty in the subtle details of these dolls."

Lessons on Loneliness by Petrichoral

"he only wears black, so i’ll come dressed as the night. i’ll cloak myself in snobbism, lingerie, and obscure opinions. he’ll wear a cloak of his own, of course, but i’ll see right through it. but still i’ll play along. i feel like etching myself into someone’s story today. carve myself out of somebody else."

mellon collie and the infiinte sadness by Sudana Krasniqi

"I have never felt more alive than when I am in the throes of the kind of day that makes me wish I was dead."

12 Years Hostage: The Hidden Truth of Solitary Confinement in Texas by Xandan Gulley via Black Lipstick

"Perhaps death is a token of life to those who are hostages. I sometimes feel as though solitary confinement was made for that very purpose-- to make us look forward to dying. But against all odds, I am sane."

Becoming Bewildering by Faye Boam

"I'm a firm believer that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. Which has far more to do with the actual forces our body can handle than the ideas of 'willpower' and 'manifestation' that are thrown around like they mean something concrete."

Domesticated by Jimmy Gardener

"There he is, sprawled like an idiot on the floor. The selfish prick hadn't even bothered to finish removing the lid from my nightly can of shit paste. He had it in his hands when I saw him seize, jerking upright as if suddenly harpooned in the asshole."

Life be like by James Worth

"But I really do have to double down and insist this isn't about New York, New York anyway. She's a backdrop for a feeling I've been festering over for a year now that really just ahppened to come to fruition on her grossly hallowed streets. And even then, the fruiting body of this epiphany paid little if any attention to the setting."

i'm afraid i've been lying to you by c.s. mee

"i've been quietly collecting pieces of fabric, leather and corduroy it seems, to place atop my skin and say they are my face."

i miss running fast by tanit

"there's some research around loneliness, and how people who takr hotter showers are intrinsically lonely because the feeling of hot water on your skin is like an intimate touch. my showers are always either scalding or freezing. i don't think i need a scientific paper to tell me i'm lonely. i'm a capricorn moon for fuck's sake, i was born lonely, i live to shit myself on how lonely i am, fearing that i will die alone."

i take offense to not being loved as hard as a song by heaven

"I TAKE OFFENSE TO NOT BEING LOVED AS HARD A SONG

ONE THAT YOU'D PLAY MORE THAN THREE TIMES A DAY"

freezing fingertips/ warm places by birdbrain

"you thread your fingertips into the space between my ribs

your inhale hinging on my exhale"

how to stop sighing in public by Griffin Blue Emerson

"Even if our lives are uneventful, without action, at least there's the small actions we make to make ourselves ramen, to make ourselves breakfast, to make ourselves sleep, to make ourselves shower, to make ourselves get groceries, to make ourselves take stock of our own self and wants, and to try to make ourselves know what it is that we really want."

[thegirlwhoblooms]

19.4.23 preserve(d) - The End of An Era

The End of An Era

It’s the end of an era now. It’s a sunny day, which is kind fitting. Right now, I’m studying vectors for my maths exam in two weeks. I’m listening to the ‘Your Name’ soundtrack whilst studying, or at least trying to. By Friday you’ll have completed it. What does it feel like? I want to know. Surprisingly, I’m not as jealous as I thought I would be. I still feel a sting of envy but it doesn’t linger for long. I feel a strange sense of fulfilment. It’s like, although things didn't turn out the way I’d hoped they would, I still think of myself as one of the ‘lucky ones.’

The people I surround myself with are amazing; they’re kind and warm-hearted and I wouldn’t trade the world for them. To quote Fruits Basket: ‘They’re the kind of people who deserve the moon but would never ask for it.’

Things can’t go back; they can’t change, no matter how much I want them to, but these days I start thinking I wouldn’t change a thing, which is kind of funny. It doesn’t always feel like this but while it still does, I’ll relish in that.

Today is Wednesday the 19th of April 2023. I wrote the paragraph(s) above yesterday. I found out last week from Kelsie that Ed—the boy I was in love with since I was eleven—is now doing drugs and smoking. He dyed his hair from a pretty blonde to a mud-coloured brown. I hate it. He’s changed so much from that nerdy boy who talked about playing card games to some weird chad. I miss the person I fell in love with. Besides, the brunette look he’s going for is not for him. I used to write his name with chalk on my friend's backyard. I used to love everything about him, every small, intricate detail. Now I don't know where the boy I fell in love with has gone.

When I left, I played Way To Break My Heart by Ed Sheeran in the car (because, of course), I swore I could never fall out of love with him. I hardly recognise him now. 

These days, I play the song ‘Breathe’ thinking that maybe I’ll become like the girl in the song.

I've watched those eyes light up with a smile

River in the not good times

Oh, you taught me all that I know

I've seen your soul grow just like a rose

Made it through all of those thorns

Girl into the woman I know

I want to grow from that shy, scared little girl into a mature woman who doesn’t carry fear wherever she goes. I want the people who love me to see me grow and be proud to stand beside me and call me a friend. 

I’ll face life head-on now, no matter what. Even though I have regrets and heavy burdens, even still to me, those aren’t good enough reasons to stop moving forward. Not now. Not ever. 

It took me a while to understand that time doesn’t stand still, it doesn’t for anyone. No matter how much it feels like it does, sometimes.

It’s scary, isn’t it? Not knowing what comes next. 

The uncertainty of it all, the countless options that make you narrow it down, that’s where most of the fear stems from, I think.

But the truth is…

‘I Like Me Better’ when I’m with you.

It made me happy, getting to know all of you. The moments we shared, I’ll treasure them, always. 

Maybe I’m taking things way out of proportion and the short time we spent together wasn’t as meaningful to you as it was to me and maybe I’m too sentimental for my own good but still, I can’t thank you enough for the kindness you showed me. 

Conclusion of today’s inner monologue: Lauv’s music is superior. 

Dedicated to Jaimee, David, MJ (and Yakub, respectively) for teaching me what friendship is.

Point period blank.