#Seungcheol is also such an understanding leader which is why he doesnt hate joshua for what he did

[joshuahong]

Daybreak / JiHan

title: Daybreak pairing: endgame!Jihan, side!CheolSoo word count: 1676 genre: angst, AU warnings: mentions of mental illness (PTSD)

note: so I recently had a plot bunny pop up in my mind (which I told @jeongahn​ / @jnhui​ about) and I needed to get it out of my system so I wrote this. This was only meant to be a little plot bunny but upon reading it, it sounds like a oneshot lolol. Nevertheless, if someone wants to turn this into a chaptered story (which would fit better tbh), let me know! :)

*** I hope I portrayed PTSD in a way that shows how tragic it is and how it can affect those who are involved. I know some details may not be accurate but I hope it does not romanticize a mental illness.

                                            D   A   Y   B   R   E   A   K

“The moonlight that fully Shines the empty room (moonlight) It’s disappearing like a dream (out of my life) I draw one more time On a white canvas I trust that I’m not alone” - Daybreak by Nu’est

Joshua and Seungcheol avoid each other’s gazes. Seungcheol knows where Joshua is going, and why he’s going. Joshua, on the other hand, knows where he’s going, but pretends he doesn’t know why.

“You’re going to see Jeonghan again?” Seungcheol asks, careful not to let Joshua hear his voice break.

“Um, yeah…you know he needs me Cheol…I can’t just leave him alone. He needs me,” Joshua replies quietly, averting his gaze from his boyfriend.

Seungcheol says nothing more and holds in his tears...at least long enough for Joshua to go out the door to drive to Jeonghan, who was Joshua’s ex-boyfriend.

Joshua convinces himself that he’s doing nothing wrong. He’s not technically cheating on Seungcheol because he’s only pretending to be Jeonghan’s boyfriend for Jeonghan’s well-being. He even told Seungcheol that he was Jeonghan’s pretend-boyfriend for Jeonghan’s sake. If that’s the case, then why does he feel guilty every time he leaves Seungcheol to help Jeonghan? Is he really helping Jeonghan, or is he just avoiding reality with Jeonghan?

Joshua wonders how it got like this. He replays it all in his head.

March 2nd: The day Joshua and Jeonghan mutually break up. Jeonghan was a little immature and needed to grow up a bit, and Joshua wanted to find himself for a while. If fate deemed it so, they would return to one another, but they decided it would be best to break up at the time.

June 14th: The day Seungcheol asked to be Joshua’s boyfriend. Seungcheol was someone he met in college and has known for a while. Joshua hesitated before saying yes, convincing himself that he liked Seungcheol a lot and that he was over Jeonghan. Seungcheol thought it was just Joshua’s nervousness.

August 6th: The day Joshua learned to love Seungcheol. Their relationship was soft and kind. He was different from Jeonghan, but Joshua wonders why he can’t forget Jeonghan. He thinks it’s because he was his first love and thinks nothing of it.

September 12th: The day Joshua got a call from the hospital saying that Jeonghan and his brother got into a car accident. Jeonghan’s parents had passed and they had no other family, so Joshua was the only emergency contact available. Seungcheol understood the situation and told him to go see Jeonghan. 

At the hospital, Jeonghan learns his brother had passed away in the crash and mentally shuts down. He blames himself and tries removing the IVs connected to his body to see Seokmin. When Joshua arrives, Jeonghan is asleep. Joshua texts Seungcheol that he has to stay with him the whole night. Seungcheol doesn’t mind.

September 13th: The day Joshua accidentally falls asleep by Jeonghan’s side and wakes up once the sun rises. He checks the time and decides to return back to his apartment with Seungcheol to shower. He tells the nurses to just call him if Jeonghan wakes up and if Jeonghan needs him. He anxiously waits for a call that never came.

September 15th: The day Joshua received a call from the nurses about Jeonghan’s well-being:

“There’s no easy way to say this. It seems as if Jeonghan has developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the loss of his brother. I know you said you were just a close friend, but he has been calling for you, calling you his boyfriend. We think it’s his coping mechanism, remembering a time when he was his happiest. A time before the death of his brother…”

Joshua doesn’t pay attention to the rest of the call and tells Seungcheol of Jeonghan’s well-being and tells him that he needs to see him more often because of his PTSD. Seungcheol nods quietly but asks, “You don’t love Jeonghan still…right Shua?”

Joshua hesitates before saying he doesn’t. Seungcheol realizes now why he hesitated to say yes to being his boyfriend.

Today, February 1st: It’s been almost 6 months. Joshua still visits Jeonghan. Jeonghan believes that him and Joshua are together and that Seokmin is still alive, hanging out with his friends Hoshi and Seungkwan. Joshua goes along with it, convincing himself that he just wants Jeonghan to be happy.

If his intentions are pure then why does it hurt when he sees the look on Seungcheol’s face when he says he'll visit Jeonghan? Why does he feel guilty knocking on Jeonghan’s door? Why does it hurt when he sees Jeonghan check his phone often, “just in case” Seokmin asks him to pick him up? If he doesn’t enjoy Jeonghan’s unhealthy mentality, then why does he promise Jeonghan he’ll visit tomorrow?

Joshua laughs to himself in a bittersweet manner. He’s a selfish cheating asshole. He lies to Seungcheol and lies to himself of his intentions to visit Jeonghan. He doesn’t want Jeonghan to live in his unhealthy mindset and doesn’t want to be part of a fake relationship that hurts him and the people he cares about. He doesn’t want to lie to Seungcheol anymore. He has to fix this.

Even if Seungcheol and Jeonghan never forgive him (both for different reasons), at least Joshua won’t have to hurt them or himself.

“Are you even listening, Shua? You always zone out when I’m talking! Can’t you pay attention for once?” Jeonghan snaps.

Jeonghan’s phone buzzes. “I wonder if that’s Seokmin,” he says offhandedly.

“It’s not,” Joshua says.

“What?”

“He’s dead Jeonghan. He’s been dead for almost 6 months.”

Jeonghan’s eyes water and shakes his head in denial, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Joshua’s voice cracks, “Jeonghan, please, you have to realize this. I’m so sorry I’ve been a shit person and never told you for selfish reasons, but he’s dead. 6 months ago—“

Jeonghan stops him, tears flowing down his face, “Stop, Shua, please”

“You and Seokmin got into a crash. He passed and you didn’t and I know you blame yourself for it—“

“Joshua, please, stop,” Jeonghan begins to sob.

“It’s not your fault Hannie. You guys were hit by a drunk driver. Please stop this, Seokmin doesn’t hate you. Seokmin doesn’t think it’s your fault…He…as well as I...want you to continue your life. Be healthy. It’s okay to mourn, but he doesn’t want you to mourn anymore. He’s watching over you right now, Jeonghan. I know he wants you to be happy,” Joshua reaches out to touch Jeonghan when he feels his hand being slapped away.

“Leave,” Jeonghan snaps.

“What?”

“I said LEAVE!”

Joshua backs away and runs to car, driving back to his apartment with Seungcheol. He opens the door to see Seungcheol’s stuff packed.

“Seungcheol I—“

Seungcheol stops him, “I know, Shua. I’ve known for a long time.”

Joshua blinks back tears, “Seungcheol I’m so sorry, I’m a terrible person, I’m so sorry for hurting you, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry—“

Seungcheol hugs Joshua, “Shh, it’s okay, I forgive you, but you understand that we cannot be together, right? I love you Joshua, but not as a lover. I care for you deeply, but it hurts, you know that, right? I don’t hate you, I can never. But I think this is the best. Jihoon…came to pick me up”

Seungcheol can see Joshua holding back tears, "...But if you need me here, I can stay one more night”

Joshua shakes his head in denial, “No Seungcheol, I’ll be okay by myself. Words cannot express my regret for hurting you who only loved me in return. I don’t want to extend your pain. I wish I could’ve been better to you, but words are empty to the pain I caused you. I…finally told Jeonghan the reality. He told me to leave, and now you’re leaving too. I guess it’s my punishment, huh? What a fool I was to myself, lying to you and Jeonghan. Please don’t pity me, I deserve it”

Seungcheol pats Joshua’s back, asking him to at least call if he needs anything, and quietly leaves.

Joshua is left alone, but he doesn’t regret anything. Maybe it’s better this way.

February 18th, Seokmin’s Birthday

Joshua buys Seokmin’s favorite flowers, sunflowers, and decides to visit his grave for his birthday. What he didn’t expect to see was Jeonghan already there, paying his respects to his late brother.

Hearing footsteps, Jeonghan turns and sees Joshua and gives him a light smile. Joshua walks up and places down the flowers and says a prayer. They both remain there in the silence.

“How are you and Seungcheol?” Jeonghan asks forcibly.

“Ah…we…mutually broke up. We saw each other as friends”

“Oh, I see,” Jeonghan replied quietly.

The silence continued.

“I-I’m sorry if I hurt you, Jeonghan. Your illness was serious yet I used it as an excuse to be with you the way we used to be. It was wrong. I ended up losing both you and Seungcheol. I hope one day you can forgive me,” Joshua whispered.

“Shua you were there for me when I had no one else. In the end, you helped me break out of my unhealthy mindset. Today I didn’t come to mourn, but to celebrate. You were right, Seokmin does want to see me happy. I want to show him that,” Jeonghan said gently.

Joshua looked up at him, “You don’t…hate me, do you?”

Jeonghan smiled and laughed heartily. Joshua missed that laugh. “Hate you? I don’t think I ever could, Shua”

Jeonghan bites his tongue before he can say anymore and smiles at Joshua.

Joshua smiles back. He was proud of Jeonghan’s progress. Jeonghan was going to be okay, and he would be there to help him towards a full recovery.

“Do you want to grab ice cream later?” Jeonghan asks softly.

Joshua hesitates before agreeing, but this time, his hesitation was due to his nervousness.