#SO BRAIN FOGGY RN BUT IT'S NOT GONNA GET BETTER SO WE POST

[another-whump-sideblog]

Fixing Tracy -- Sweet Dreams

TWs in the tags

Masterlist

Tracy’s room shifts. She’s with Molly, she’s with her parents, she’s with Alicia. The room is on fire. She’s trying to reach for her water and it keeps getting further away. Her bed is floating. The walls are getting bigger.

She wakes up panting and with her heart pounding. Despite the dream not really containing any disturbing imagery, she feels terrified. Stupid, this is so stupid.

Molly is doing this to her. She got bored of drugging Tracy so that she’s tired and started drugging her with something new. Or she stopped drugging her and Tracy’s going through withdrawal. Either way, Molly is doing this to her on purpose to hurt her.

Luckily, she seems to be leaving Tracy alone for a bit. Tracy scarfs down the now cold soup and gulps down half of the water bottle left on her nightstand. 

How long is Molly going to do this to her? She clearly enjoys pretending Tracy is sick and taking care of her. Is this the new normal?

She has to get out of here. She promised Alicia she was trying to come back, there’s no possible way Tracy could stop trying to escape… but she doesn’t know what to do. If she can’t even hurt Molly, what chance could she possibly have?

She just woke up and she’s already crying again. Whatever Molly gave her or stopped giving her is fucking awful, but it might be the new normal. If Tracy can’t plan and attempt escapes in this state, that’s giving up, and Tracy can’t give up on Alicia. But what can she do? She’s out of ideas.

Her bedroom door creaks open. It always seems to creak, did Molly make it that way on purpose?

Molly’s face falls when she sees Tracy’s crying again. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault, I brought the germs down here. I’ll be more careful next time. I, uhm… do you want to talk about what’s upsetting you?”

Tracy shakes her head. They’ve already had that conversation so many times. There’s no point.

“…I brought some crackers.” Molly sets a box of crackers and another water bottle on the nightstand. “Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”

“Leave me alone.”

“But you start crying when I leave you alone! I mean— it’s okay to cry. You can cry as much as you want. But… I don’t think being alone is actually making you feel better. Am I wrong?”

“Nothing will make me feel better unless you stop this!”

“Stop… making you sick? I’m not drugging you, dear.”

There’s no point to arguing. Tracy stares at the ceiling. “Please, I hate being around you. I want to at least not have to see you, if you’re not going to stop drugging me or let me go.”

“…you hate…?” Molly sounds hurt. Good. “…I want to read to you. So you don’t keep getting all wrapped up in your thoughts and start crying when you wake up. You… wouldn’t have to talk to me. It wouldn’t be my words, just my voice. Would that be okay? Or is me being here at all too much right now?”

Tracy needs to plan her escape. She shouldn’t let Molly distract her, but…

“I… Molly—“ her voice breaks. “I’m going to get better, right? If I rest, I’ll get better? You won’t keep me like this forever?”

Molly squeezes Tracy’s hand. “You’ll get better, dear.”

Molly’s confidence just makes Tracy more sure she’s being drugged. How would Molly know for sure, unless she’s the cause?

“You don’t like this, right? You like taking care of me, but you don’t like seeing me miserable, right?”

“Right.” Molly seems to understand what Tracy’s getting at. “I hope that, if you can’t trust that I’m not drugging you, you can at least trust that I want you to be happy. There’s no better feeling in the world for me than seeing you smile, and no worse one than seeing you cry. I would never make you sick on purpose. I know you don’t believe that, but can you believe that I would never keep you sick on purpose? Is that easier?”

That makes sense. Molly drugged her, thinking that she’d enjoy being taken care of as much as Molly enjoys taking care of her, but now that she sees how miserable Tracy is she won’t drug her again. Tracy just has to wait for the drug to wear off. Or the withdrawal, it doesn’t really matter. Tracy nods.

Molly beams. “I’ll take it! Does that mean you’re okay with me reading to you?”

Tracy nods again. It feels really wrong, but so does everything else. She isn't going to be able to plan in this state, anyway, she just needs to get through it. Alicia would understand. Alicia will understand. It'll be fine. It'll be fine!

"Hmm… something interesting enough to be distracting, but not so exciting it keeps you awake… maybe some short stories?" Molly mumbles to herself as she looks over the bookcase. 

This feels really wrong, is she really going to let her kidnapper read to her like she's a worthless child? She doesn't deserve this! She doesn't want this, she wants to go home! She feels so weak. So pathetic, so stupid, so useless. She's just making excuses. She'd be out of here by now if she tried–

"Hey, hey!" Molly gets Tracy's attention. "Mm– would you prefer fiction or non-fiction?"

Generally, Tracy prefers non-fiction. She wipes her eyes. "N–Non-fiction."

"Hm… are wasps still your favorite animal?"

"Jesus Christ Molly–" The reminder of how thoroughly Molly studied every aspect of Tracy's life for years is not appreciated.

"I mean, how does a book about wasps sound? Would that be interesting enough to keep your attention but not so interesting it keeps you awake?"

"...yeah."

"Have you read this one?" Molly shows her the cover of a book, and Tracy shakes her head. "Great! I'll just… I'll assume you won't want me sitting on the bed with you." Molly pulls the spinny chair over to Tracy's bedside, opens the book, and starts reading aloud.

Tracy closes her eyes and focuses on the book. It's fine, it's all fine. Alicia will understand. Even though Tracy should be fighting harder, should stop giving in– but it's not like fighting over every little thing has gotten her anywhere! But she can't give up, she can't just accept this, but if she can't hurt Molly then there's no chance of escape, but she doesn't even know why she can't hurt Molly so she doesn't know how to fix it–

Tracy focuses back on the book. Thinking isn't getting her anywhere right now. At least she might learn something new about wasps if she listens. That's more than she'll get out of thinking more.

Molly has a nice voice. She'd be a good audiobook narrator, Tracy thinks. It's a lot more pleasant to listen to her when it's not her words…

Tracy drifts to sleep, and dreams of wasps and gentle voices instead of having feverish nightmares.

Tag list: @whumpyourdamnpears @watermelons-dont-grow-on-trees @iamheretohurt

[studentbyday]

hi. i got sick. still recovering. i feel absolutely terrible. and not just because of my physical condition...i've let my mental health slide despite my awareness of the warning signs, and this illness is just the icing on the cake.

i need to learn to trust myself. know when to listen to myself and when to listen to others and know who to listen to bc if there's one thing i don't lack, it's outside sources of information. ground myself and focus on what is in my control so i don't feel like i'm going crazy and internalizing blame/negativity every time smth bad happens.

everything is temporary, so there is hope. we're just gonna take it day by day, focusing on the present every time and not on how much there is left to do and how many stressors i have left to manage after this one. i'm sorry if this post is kind of all over the place, i'm trying to sort things out with a foggy brain. (i'm so annoyed that i have to sleep for more than half the day to feel normal rn. oh well, at least i'm getting better.) 🤧

on a better note, i got my grade back for the philosophy assignment and i did well 🙂

SMART goals for today:

morning self-care routine ✅

finish half of psyc ch from last week ✅ (i wish their ch sizes and numbers for each week were consistent. last week we had to do 4 ch, and this second ch is the size of 2 regular ch! and this week, the amount of stuff to cover is the same. just lucky it's interesting rn bc the content is really relevant to my personal life...if i could just focus!!)

skincare ✅

night routine ✅

[kart0]

Am I in love ???? Help

Ok so y'all already know I treat this blog like a journal. And on today's post I'm gonna talk a LOT. So get ready !!!! Also, DISCLAIMER: I'm hypomaniac rn, and my thoughts are zooming like crazy, so this will be one heck of a chaotic text

Remember my situationship, with my best friend, I had, a couple months ago ? So, after like two months of not speaking, he texted me. Casually. Trying to engage in conversation and all of that. And I kept my distance, because I didn't want to bother him with too many messages, I didn't want to idk make him hate me or something. I was scared. But he kept going, and it made me wonder huh, maybe we're ready to be best friends again. Maybe it doesn't hurt anymore.

It's hard, but I have to keep level headed and think logically, so I dont ruin what's left of our friendship, but my mind keeps straying away ( and I might blame this on my hypomania ) and I keep thinking about scenarios and stuff where we're together romantically and we're soulmates.

And I've always been a romantic, ever since I was a kid. It fascinates me. Having this kind of connection, seems so special and a wonderful experience. But turns out I am autistic, and I fall into the aroace spectrum. So I like romance but in an analytical way, I like to dissectic it and see all the layers and complexity. I don't know if I am capable of feeling romantic love.

But him... Oh man... We grew up together, literal babies. He knows me so well, and no one compares to him. As a kid I use to think, truly believe, we would get married once we grew older. And now there's still some spark of hope that maybe we'd get to date once in our lifetimes.

But I don't know what I want, what I truly want, because everything gets mixed up and it's like, foggy, in my brain and I get confused. Like, as an autistic person, I know I can get attached really hard onto someone, so it could be it. But maybe it's not, what if there's real feelings ? But again, I'm hypomaniac right now, what if I go back to normal I regret my choices ? I can't take this risk, I've already damaged our relationship too much. I can't take the risk of hurting him more. Because he like-liked me. And he treated me so well and was so kind and caring.

And now it comes: the self hatred.

I hate myself, and I know I have little to no self esteem. And I don't consider myself to be a good person, even though I'm always trying my best, and I'm not really pretty either... But I don't deserve love. I don't deserve his love, because I'm not sure I can give him back. I can't kiss him. I can't have sex with him. I can't give him a normal love life, a true relationship. He is neurotypical, and he wants and deserves something better than me.

I can't be what he needs. But god, I want him so bad. I wish I could be normal. I don't even know if he would see me as a man. He definitely liked my longer hair, and girly clothes. If we got together, would he regret me ? Would he be embarrassed of me ? Oh man, I haven't even talked about his parents. They used to love me. But now... After what I've done, how I broke his heart. They probably hate me.

He probably regrets me too.

My head is such a mess right now. Part of me wished he didn't message me. So I wouldn't remember how painful it is to year for something I can never have. I long for love but I don't know if I can feel it. But I'm so scared of being alone. And also, I'm such a jealous creature too. I'm terrified of him meeting a pretty girl, and getting his life together and we'd never talk anymore.

I wish I could be normal. I'm crying writing this, because it hurts so much. I know I feel something for him. But I can't tell what it is. I just wished we could go back in time, before things got messy.

I'm like a stupid teenager, I keep checking my phone every second to see if me replied.

Ugh.

That's all. Thanks for reading. Makes me feel less lonely.

[drxwsyni]

Petrified (pt.4)

Yandere Erasermic x f!Reader

SERIES MASTERLIST

a/n: oooooh boy this took a hot minute to write, but i finally forced myself to finish it. and we reached 600 followers recently too!!!! i can’t believe there’s so many of you guys like holy heck. i hope you continue to enjoy what i have to offer :)

4.8k words

Warnings: reader experiences mild anxiety

As much as every ounce of your being begged to escape the confines of your small apartment and return to work, there were certain...motivators, holding you back.

For one, you presumed it’d be safest to heed the words of a medical professional―at least for the time being. Your condition had greatly improved since Friday, disregarding some lingering head pain, and now your self-preservation and common sense seemed to be functioning properly at the moment. In that regard, resting was likely the better idea.

As for the other thing keeping you home...perhaps it would be healthier not to think about it.

You felt ashamed, having been so undeniably intimidated by a couple of men who were simply being kind enough to drive you home last night. However the sensation didn’t come as a shock once you had taken the time to think the ordeal over.

It’s just what came naturally―your brain internalizing experiences, shaping them into something that should scare you.

Any rational person would laugh at your behaviour.

They’re heroes. Clearly what happened was just them expressing harmless concern.

And yet the more you tried to convince yourself of their innocent intentions, the harder it became to ignore the gut feeling that still lingered the morning after.

However, you knew how your brain could be sometimes―refusing to move on from initial impressions despite having rationalized the topic as a whole.

Hizashi was just naturally drawn to affection as a way of showing distress. There was no other meaning behind his lingering touches or endearing nicknames―just concern.

As for Shouta, well he always seemed to be a stern man. It was likely that it just manifests a bit more when he’s worried, it’s just the professionalism in him.

There was no need to stay so fixated on the subject when you could be using your time to catch up on hobbies that you’d greatly neglected as a result of your occupation. Having no reason for doing anything else, a little self-indulgence was practically your only choice.

It was still early, at least for your standards―knowing full well that your lifestyle kept you in bed longer than the average human.

You kept searching for things to do here and there, never staying on one task for too long. First it was cleaning the kitchen, then attempting to read a long abandoned novel. You tried finding something on t.v to watch, but everything only offered you the same empty feeling of boredom. Nothing could pique your interest long enough to hold you to one pastime―and for good reason.

There was a message from Hizashi that remained unopened on your phone since you woke up.

It felt ridiculous, being so hesitant to look at the damned message. Even after telling yourself that there was nothing to worry about, you couldn’t bring yourself to read it. So when you heard the familiar ping not once, but twice in succession while organizing your magazine collection, the feeling of your heart sinking into your stomach did not come as a surprise.

The device was still on your nightstand where you disregarded it last night, and subsequently neglected it this morning. Even through the walls of your bedroom you could still hear the notifications go off.

Inwardly cursing, you had a faint idea that continuing to block out the intrusion would likely lead to more issues between you and the two men. Not that it should, everyone forgets to answer their phone here and there. But you weren’t an idiot―even if it was just paranoia, the consequences of ignoring the messages weren’t something you particularly wanted to think about given the recent behaviour of the heroes.

As expected, the screen was lit up in wait for your return.

From: Hizashi

morning sunshine! just checking up on ya, how r u feeling?

9:17 am

ya doing okay? didn’t pass out again i hope ;)

12:53 pm

if ya keep leaving me hangin i’m gonna get worried songbird…

12:54 pm

Ah yes, you thought, he’s as coddling as normal it seems.

You figured it’d be wise to send a reply before he bust down your door to make sure you were still alive in person.

You:

I’m alright! Just slept in a little :)

12: 54 pm

The response that came instantly was almost a little inhumanly fast.

From: Hizashi

oh thank god, don’t need a repeat of last friday

12:54 pm

You:

Yeah, definitely not. Thanks for checking up on me though!

12:56 pm

From: Hizashi

lemme know if ya need anything picked up, probably not a good idea for you to be going out rn

12:56 pm

Naturally, you wouldn’t let him do that even if you did need anything. God knows how much trouble you’ve been so far―no need to cause more.

You:

Sounds good, I’ll let you know if I do.

I’m actually in the middle of cleaning right now so how bout we talk later :)

12:57 pm

The more you conversed with him, the harder it became to think about anything other than the embarrassing experiences you had with the man. It was probably best if you gave up the conversation, knowing you’d have more than enough time to chat when you regrettably were forced to eat dinner with him and his partner.

Thankfully, he seemed to be okay with the proposition as well.

From: Hizashi

aww alright, don’t work urself too hard sunshine!

12:58 pm

Too bothered to give a proper farewell, you turned your phone off, leaving it on do not disturb to avoid further distress.

_____

You’d spent the rest of the day tidying up here and there. It turns out focusing solely on going to work only to come home for rest had left your apartment shamefully messy. Every now and again your thoughts would drift back to the two intrusions in your life as of lately. It was invasive―not being able to leave well enough alone. You weren’t physically near them they still plagued you with anxiety, even if it was just barely recognizable.

Dinnertime came soon enough, and you’d spent it mindlessly scrolling through social media. The feeling of wanting to chuck your phone across the room was fleeting―but present―as you momentarily laid eyes on a post having to do with Present Mic and his radio show. It would seem not even in your perceived distraction could you distance yourself from the thoughts and feelings related to him and his somber counterpart.

The night went on, slowly but surely. For better or for worse you let yourself get lost in the endless play-through of television. Some shows you’d seen before, others you hadn’t. It didn’t really matter when the only purpose they served was to keep your mind on something that didn’t have your hair falling out from stress.

Eventually you felt your mind become foggy with exhaustion once again―and you couldn’t be more thankful.

_____

Wednesday was spent doing many of the same things as the day before. Cleaning―so much cleaning. Turns out you’d missed a lot yesterday, and the lighting of the somewhat early morning sun was more than enough to highlight all the dirt and grime that had yet to be scrubbed away.

So you got to work, feeling rejuvenated with a good night’s sleep.

By the time you made it to six o’clock you felt thoroughly beat, and in the best way. You spent your time eating thinking about the work day you would have tomorrow. Sure, you were aware that it’d only bring the all too familiar sluggishness to your body. But you were a people pleaser, so really that sensation didn’t matter at the end of the day. What mattered was the motivation you felt that spurred you to work―both the verbal and nonverbal praise those who purchased the fruits of your labour gave.

Expectedly, when you woke up Thursday morning, although it was closer to the afternoon at that point, there was a spring in your step as you readied yourself for the day.

As always the comforting smell of fresh greenery in the air was much appreciated as you stepped into the floral boutique. Your coworker greeted you with open arms, regarding your seemingly healthy recovery. It was nearing the end of their shift, and therefore soon to be the beginning of yours, so you headed to the employee designated portion of the building to make the few preparations for the start of your night.

Naturally, you were quickly subjected to the whims and demands of customers when you took your place at the front counter. Given the monotonous time you spent away from any meaningful stimulation, the activity was appreciated.

You were assorting foliage left right and center, the company you worked for obtaining quite the substantial amount of earnings in the process. The time went by steadily, you working diligently alongside of it. Request after request was met, not even the few unsavoury interactions phased you all the much amidst the bustling atmosphere. A few familiar faces entered the shop, to which you greeted with a comforting warmth only good service could provide.

It felt good to be caught up in routine, making the nearing end of it only the more bitter. But it still came, and you were going through the motions of tending to the final arrangement with somewhat slowed movements as a result of your quirk usage.

The awaiting customer hastily took the finished product before paying and exiting the establishment. People tended to be in a bit of a rush at this hour, likely due to the lateness of the night. You disregarded the occurrence and settled for cleaning up for the rest of your shift.

There was sweeping and disinfecting to be done, along with tidying up the assembly station and checking on the greenery room one last time. You went through the tasks absentmindedly, having done them countless times before. The routine was like second nature, allowing your thoughts to go over the events of the workday.

You were giving a final once over of the plant life when the high pitched jingle of the front door bell rang out through the shop.

Really? At this hour you’re trying to buy flowers even though it’s literally closing time?

Giving a sigh of frustration you stepped out of the room and headed to the front. But low and behold, it was not in fact an incompetent customer waiting to be served.

“Did you even consider staying home for the whole week?” The erasure hero was leaning against the front counter when you entered the room. He was smirking ever so slightly, almost as if he knew that both of you were aware that you wouldn’t stay away from work. His tone was even teasing, making your frustrations go away only to be replaced by a slight feeling of flusteredness under his intense gaze. You didn’t know whether you preferred this side of him or the side that made you want to curl into a ball after being berated by unyielding lecturing mixed with interrogation.

“Hello to you too. I’m sorry if you're here for flowers cause it’s pretty much closing time.”

Just then Hizashi walked out from behind a display stand, making his way next to Shouta. “Not quite listener! Just wanted to make sure you were still up for that repayment we talked about.”

Ah yes, like you could forget that any time soon.

“Of course. Still not sure how it makes up for things but since you insist...who am I to say no?” You were behind the counter, taking stock of today's earnings as Shouta continued.

“I suppose it’s not really a traditional form of repayment, but we promise you’ll enjoy it. To be honest we don’t have company over often, so it’ll be a nice change of pace for us too.”

It was a relief to see that their behaviour wasn’t nearly as hostile as it was a few nights ago. Frankly, you just barely got out of that situation without breaking down from your highly anxious nerves.

“Ya finishing up there songbird? We’ll give you a ride home.” Joyous as ever, Hizashi was all too eager to put you further in debt.

Expectedly, his partner was quick to agree to the proposition. “That’s not a bad idea. Not to sound patronizing, but it really is dangerous to be out by yourself at this hour.”

You wrapped up the assessment of the register’s contents, closing the drawer and locking it up. “Thanks for the offer, but I refuse to impose on you two anymore. Besides, walking home can be kinda therapeutic―at least when I’m not tired out of my mind.” You gave a slight chuckle at the end of your statement, having long gotten used to that recurring condition at the end of the day.

“We weren’t asking, (y/n). You're still recovering, even though you probably won’t admit it. And I won’t beat around the bush―you’re too vulnerable in this state.”

It would seem Shouta’s previous attitude was just for show. Does he ever get tired of being so serious all the time?

It was like second nature at this point―direct confrontation leading to an initially mild panic that would soon snowball into a full blown breakdown if the occurrence persists.

You kept up the friendly appearance nonetheless.“I just think I’d prefer―”

“It’s no problem, sweetheart. You know we don’t mind helpin’ ya out. Besides we still gotta work out when you’re comin over, yeah?” The blond’s smile did little to calm the growing apprehension you felt.

Just be a little more stubborn. Some people need that extra reminder.

“It’s fine, really. I’ll just message you for the details and―”

“(Y/n).” It made your stomach churn―the lowness in the erasure hero's voice. He wasn’t having it. For a moment you pondered whether he’d ever really care about what you had to say.

“Just finish closing up, ‘kay hun? We’ll wait right here until you’re done.” Hizashi kept his eyes on you in wait for a response, or even an action that would show you’d comprehended what they said. And of course you had―you just desperately wished they’d never said it in the first place.

You felt ashamed, and it was becoming an all too familiar feeling when you were around the two men. But it was just who you were, met with compassion but only getting dejected by it. You were uncomfortable, there was no denying that. Backed into a corner that shouldn’t exist, but does because you didn’t have the will to change the situation into your favour.

Despite your distress, the part of you that put others before yourself prevailed.

“Okay, I guess. Just―um...gimme a few minutes please.” You wondered if they could even hear your reply, given that even to yourself it sounded almost non existent. It didn’t matter. You were fleeing to the employee room without bothering to find out.

You stood in front of your locker, hands shaking in the slightest as you got changed―apron off, jacket on, backpack slung over your shoulder. The coolness of the thin metal offered some relief, you keeping your hands atop the closed door for a moment to calm your rapidly beating heart.

At least you’d get home quickly, you thought.

As they promised, the two were waiting in the seating area at the front of the shop, quietly making conversation with each other. The sound of your footsteps alerted them to your presence.

“Ready to rock and roll?” Hizashi stood up from his seat, his partner following suit.

You gave the room a quick once over, making sure everything was where it needed to be. “I think so.” A quiet ride back home was what you hoped for, but there was more to be discussed, much to your dismay.

Shouta held the door open for the two of you, letting you pause to lock up when you had all exited. “How was work today?”

The closeness of his voice as you turned the lock into place made you jump slightly, but you did your best to ignore the temporary fear. “Fine, I suppose. Like any other Thursday night…” You tried to hide the underlying anxiety with a smile, but you couldn’t tell whether or not it did the trick. Giving the front door an experimental tug to make sure it was locked, you turned back to let the two lead you to their car.

You felt a hand settle on the small of your back―Shouta’s hand―as he walked with you while Hizashi remained on your other side, slightly ahead of you. “How’s your head doing, is the medication working?”

The two walked at a casual pace, but to you it felt unbearably slow―what you wouldn’t give to just walk home without the admittedly unwelcomed company. “It still hurts a bit every now and then, but the pills keep the pain at bay for the most part.”

By now you were approaching their car which was parked on the side of the road, the blond opening it for you to step in. Shouta took up the responsibility of driving once again, Hizashi in the passenger's seat.

“Ya gettin’ enough sleep?” You were sitting behind the driver's seat, letting Hizashi have the opportunity to comfortably look back at you while he talked.

“Probably more than enough.”

You heard Shouta start the car before he responded. “That’s good to hear. It’s unfortunate that your work keeps you out so late though.” The car started forward, and you were thankful that at this rate it’d only take a few minutes to reach your apartment. You kept your eyes trained on the passing scenery to avoid any awkward eye contact.

“So when do ya think would be a good day to come over. I’ve got my radio show on Fridays and weekdays don’t always sit too well with teaching ‘n stuff.”

“Yeah...Fridays definitely won’t work for me either. Honestly I don’t really get much time for myself outside of work.” Not that you weren’t used to this reality by now, but every so often you wished your life allowed for just a little more free time. If anything, the horrid state you found your apartment to be in when you were forced to stay home would surely attest to that.

It would seem that Shouta agreed with his partner’s statement, “How about this Saturday? I can come pick you up at around 5:30.”

You contemplated whether it was even worth arguing over letting him give you a ride to their place. And then you remembered exactly what landed you in their car in the present.

You probably wouldn’t get very far with that fight.

“That should be fine.” It was only in your nature to want to offer some form of compensation. You knew that this whole ordeal was meant to be you repaying them, so you should at least try to cater to that reality. “I can make something to bring so you guys don’t have to do all the work. Cooking isn’t really my strong suit but I’m a pretty decent baker―maybe I could put something together for dessert?”

“Nah don’t bother with that babe. We’re supposed to be treating you, remember?”

“Exactly, and I doubt any of us will have room for desert. Another time maybe.”

“Yep! Besides, you being there’s all the sweetness we need.” You didn’t have to look at Hizashi to know the grin he had on his face as he threw around careless sentiments like his literal partner wasn’t sitting right next to him.

The car was pulling into the parking lot of your apartment complex. To be honest you didn’t know how to respond to the nonchalant compliment, “Ah...yeah. Just let me know if there’s any change in plan I guess.” The vehicle came to a stop, you pulling your backpack into your lap while unbuckling the seatbelt.

“Don’t stay up too late, okay?” This time you didn’t make the mistake of looking at Shouta as he talked, for fear that his glare would burn holes through your skull. Instead you pretended to fiddle with something on your bag while responding.

“Yeah, thanks for the ride.”

The car door unlocked, letting you step outside into the brisk fresh air. Before you could close the door you heard Hizashi calling out to you, hand placed behind the headrest of his partner’s seat as he turned to speak to you. “We can give you a ride home tomorrow after work if ya’d like. Shouta’s got nothin’ going on―it’d be no trouble.”

“No,” that was definitely not something you needed, “I’ve got something I need to do after work actually, but thanks for the offer.” There was nothing to attend to after your shift, but they didn’t need to know that. Lying was never something you were the best at, and you hoped the shakiness in your voice didn’t give too much away.

“Alrighty then songbird, just thought I’d ask.”

“Have a good night (y/n).”

You smiled at the blond facing you, “Thanks, you too.” Before they could get another word out, as at this point you felt they would take up more of your time if possible, you shut the car door. Once again giving a small wave before you entered the building, you found it all too hard to contemplate how you’d politely weasel your way out of this newly developed relationship after the ensuing Saturday night.

_____

Friday came and went as expected. Waking up with the familiar sluggishness plaguing your body, moving past the sensation to go about your duties―everything falling into place as routine. Meeting the demands of love-stricken individuals was as taxing as normal, but it was all you had to make you feel like you were contributing something valuable to society. At the end of the day it was worth doing questionable things to your health.

The slightly less honourable motivation in the form of decent tips was always an added bonus. Your co-workers mentioned a few times that somehow you always ended up with a higher profit than the rest of them. It made you feel slightly guilty, but the usage of your quirk was likely the reasoning behind the occurrence.

Nights like these always ended with more earnings than normal―given the sheer volume of customers compared to the typical weekday traffic. Right now you took solace in the reward as you usually do at the end of your shift, thumbing through the few generous bills you received.

Satisfied with the haul, you completed your mental checklist that you’d formed over time to ensure that all tasks were completed by the end of the day. Your keys felt heavy in your wearied hands as you locked up, turning on the heels of your feet in the direction of your awaiting apartment.

You’d be lying if you said you were surprised to see that the two mildly invasive heroes hadn’t checked in to see that you were actually busy after work. Not that you wanted them to―having to lie once again wasn’t in your best interest. Still, the phenomenon that was their recurring presence had not gone unnoticed. More often than not you found your thoughts drifting to past experiences with them, and therefore regrettably resurfacing some unpleasant feelings.

For now however, you did your best to fixate on other, less mentally damaging things. In light of recent events you chose to take the long way home, inwardly shuddering as you passed the alleyway which you ever so carelessly ventured into exactly a week ago.

Maybe you were just hyperaware due to some lingering paranoia, but you could’ve sworn you could make out rustling in certain places around you―places that shouldn’t exactly be making that much noise.

Behind you. No...above you? Or was it both―the sounds distinct but lacking just enough to throw off your comprehension to make a full analysis of their origin.

Forget about it for God’s sake. You’re tired. It’s been a long day and you’re anxious because you got jumped just seven days ago in the same area.

But you could hear it.

Shifting in the shadows. Muffled but there all the same.

Footsteps?

The possibility had your heart rate growing faster by the second.

Not footsteps, just your mind playing tricks on you. You’re okay.

Unconsciously, your pace grew quicker, the patter of your shoes hitting the pavement sounding off below you. In the midst of your panic riddled thoughts you failed to register that you’d reached your destination.

An audible sigh escaped your lips as you observed the towering building with gratitude.

You kept up the hastened strides, reaching your apartment in good time. The time between stepping through the threshold of the abode and when your head hit your pillow was a blur―but really those monotonous details weren’t all that imperative.

As much as you wanted to get a good night's sleep, your subconscious had other plans. You reached the state of deep slumber that you desired, but it was riddled with offending nightmares.

Dark looming figures in the corner of your eyes, disappearing when you tried to get a good look at them. Running from something that placed a deep set fear into your very being, despite not having even seen what the atrocity was.

It left you to wake in a cold, sticky feeling sweat. Disheveled and disoriented, the time didn’t quite matter―wanting only for the feeling of trepidation to dissipate so you can return to a hopefully more peaceful sleep.

_____

Keys clattered loudly on the glass countertop of the side table in the entryway as Shouta haphazardly emptied his pocket’s contents. The sound of a running shower could be heard on the floor above him, making the presence of his boisterous partner known. He removed the heavy combat boots of his hero costume and lazily sauntered to the shared bedroom.

By the time he got there the shower had turned off, and he occupied himself with changing out of his attire for something less restricting in wait for the blond to make an appearance.

He’d just finished getting settled when Hizashi exited the attached washroom to their bedroom, hair still damp and lightly soaking the t-shirt he’d thrown on. “Well, don’t keep me waiting’”

The voice hero leaned against the headboard of their bed, “She didn’t have any plans, I watched her walk straight home after her shift and she never left the apartment either.”

Hizashi’s usually persistently bright smile faltered, “Ah...she probably forgot about them or something.”

“Do you really believe that?”

The disappointment was evident in the blond’s face, “Would she really just lie to us like that, even though we’re tryin’ to help her?”

The erasure hero sighed, “She’s self-destructive, it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen her put herself in danger without second thought.”

“God, Shou’―and she’s always shakin’ like a leaf. I don’t even think the poor thing realizes she’s doin’ it either.”

Shouta looked to the ceiling for a moment as if searching for an answer that would please his partner, “We can try and bring it up with her―see if there’s a reason behind all this.”

“And what if she lies to us again, huh? I can’t keep watching her hurt herself babe.”

At that the erasure hero stood up from his position on the bed, making his way over to the washroom in hopes of a shower relaxing his nerves. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Let’s just see how dinner goes first, okay?”

“But what if she never tells us what’s goin’ on? I mean she’s already avoiding us for christ’s sake, what’s to stop her from―”

“If anything happens we’ll deal with it ‘Zashi. I don’t want to hear anything more of it until after we sit down with her, got it?” He paused at the doorway as emphasis, waiting for his partner's agreement on the matter.

“Yeah okay, sorry.”

“Don’t be, I care about her too, remember?” With that he closed the door before his partner could add to the conversation.

_____

When you did finally wake up from that hellish night, almost entirely riddled with disturbing dreams, you were left with a lingering feeling of dread. A pit in your stomach that remained persistent no matter how much you tried to think of something other than the incomprehensible yet sickening scenarios that unwillingly played out inside your head.

Looking at your phone didn’t help you settle into a more agreeable state either.

It was just past midday―giving you roughly five hours until you had to pull yourself together to sit through what was hopefully the last encounter with the two heroes.

For now however, you listened to the sound of the birds chirping outside your window―it was always easier to get lost in your surroundings than actively trying to solve your own issues.

Maybe by the time you had to leave you’d feel better. But even if you didn’t, the dull ache of ailment was always persistent in your life in one way or another―so what was one more problem?

End of Part 4

_____

taglist: @roseloverofpastels @shinsous-eye-bags @tjhonoluluprezstitch626 @pekusofixus @riarora @glitterypinkkitty

[theoccasionalhuman]

my brain felt super foggy when I was making mac and cheese for my brother so i messed it up and that made my brain foggier and now everythings foggy ooo also i ate three spoons of nutella for absolutely no reason two minutes ago like it was good but idk why i did it cloudy? foggy? idkkk my head feels weird like i feel real but i dont but ido and like i feel nothing rn like aboslutely nothing like all my emotions went somewhere wow i want to go outside but allergies and i dont wanna take my meds for it even though my eyes are itchy fuck i just remembered i didn’t wash my contacts yet but its 11 and i need to put them in soon oh well i want to watch a gay show but like i dont remember any and i tried atypical and that felt good because it just reminds me of before but its lowkey boring because ther’s not a lot of gay shit and it was cringy at the end but like i need smth fake because online relationnships are all fAke since they choose what they put out to the world because like they want to seem better but i dont know whta thye’re actually going throggh like they could be constantly fighting all the time and that was the one moement they got along oh and i was listening to emma chamberlains podcast while working out this morning and she as talking about it too like ppl coul post with their friends having fun on at rip but thatcouldve been the only good time they had the whoile trip but we dont know that because its so cial media oh yea and i have peanut butter on my hand because i think i also had peanut butter wait no i knwo because i donthave reeses so i just ate peanut butter and nutella but my mo put the pb in the firdge for some reason so it wasnt as melty and tasty as the chocoare so it ruined the effect of it def emotional eating but that okay because food is energy and one day pf “bad” eating isnt gonna do shit like we only live once i didnt even track that shit its pointless oooo blueberry bagels are really good like i hasd one leftover cuz bro didnt wanna finish it fucking dumbass and i ate it and mac and cheese becasuse yea and yea my stomasch feels like weird tht was a lot of randomf ood but that okay because i need food to live and food is good and idc because i liked eating it i think idk my brains still foggy i lost track of it in the middle when i started not liking eating it bt then i ate a bit more since i fog but like i stopped because i kinda stopped being foggy fr a littl ebit so i stopped and went to my room and i want to eat a fruit roll up but i dont like i wanna eat just to eat it but i dont feel like eating it so im saving it for tomorrow because itsa new day and what i ate/did the day before doesnt define the amount i shoul d eat today smart thinking i  want to feel free i feel trapped in my mind head house room idk ppl dont know me but they do like i think people think they dont know me but its not even that im fake its just i dont have a me i am what i am theres nothing that im hiding guess im too cool 8D <-- thats an emoji with the sunglasses beccause im on my laptop becuae i took my phone out of itd case and it get warm when i use it and it rly ruins the t vibe i wna to date someone but i know that im actively not trying to do anything about it and i dont want to do anhy online shit like that honestly kind of pathetic imagine only having a relationshup thats online that doesnt seem real what if there lying u knwo what no if someone is in a happy long distance online relationship its none of my busisness and good for them but i could neber that shit doesnt seem rela i dont feel like i could commit to that whats my love language i dont trust ppl that much when they complement me becuase theysa y they care but that doesnt do much for me and then touchis like i think i font like it from anhone but ppl i like like that so maybe not sure yet would not ask for a hug seems uncomfortable acts of kindness or whatever is eh ebcause idc and idk how to show my appreciation i think mima  robot illt ake the quiz now and ill lepp you updated u know i love the un someword i cant think of rn because fog un likely thats it anyways like repressed church girl with gay basketball athelete BUT THE THING I  oops hte thing that i find cool about that is that they both have their own experiences and traumas from their repsective lives but whe theyre together none of that shit matters like they wren’t made for each otehr per say but they just fit like they can talk about ti and it just feels right with oneanother that type fo shit i s=jsut fin that so awesome i dont think anyones ever gonan be able to fully understand me idont understant me woah this is long i do another post after i do quiz for love languages

f f f f f f  f fo o o o o o o o o  g  g g g g g g g g  g g g g g g  

[tripping-on-assid]

4218

923pm

It’s been a while. So for that, there is quite a lot to catch up on. However, like always, I’ll just write until I don’t want to anymore. Don’t care for spelling, grammar, correct sentence phrasing, any of that, just my thoughts.

I want to start off by saying that while im writing this I took about half/quarter of a tab about 45 min ago. Just for the concentration. Also, so I could probably get super intense and “deep” with what I write. Im also listening to Periphery in the background and it’s nice. The amount of acid I took wasnt much...at most it was 50ugs. I used the rest of it from microdosing. Hell, I might not even feel it since I microdosed today lmao. Nonetheless, placebo never hurt anybody right? lol. And if the acid doesnt work I got some coffee

Since I last posted, back in November, shit went FUCKING DOWNNN. Since November, Royce and my mom split, we got a new house, quit my job at panera and I failed 3/4ths of my classes that semester. Royce left because of some selfish reason of how it was “god’s plan” for him to turn over houses, and my mom didnt want to deal with that so she left his ass. I got pretty fucking sad over failing my classes, as you could see I was ranting and raving how much I despised college back in November but reality got kicked into gear when I failed. Kinda sucks. My mindset was ridiculous back then, and it still is now, however back then, it was intimately superficial. However, the deeper I got with philosophy and spirituality and all that shit, I kinda wanted to step up my game. 

Weird shit can happen to you, and weird thoughts come into play when you’re naive. And like, Im still 19. Im not granted with all this wisdom but I respect and value education. Knowledge. Discomfort. You see, how amazing would it be to just, trip on shrooms or L every few weeks, thinking about your life and thinking about all the crazy questions in life and actually have it set. How amazing would it be to smoke weed and do the same thing, everyday? Seems great, however, that isnt the best way to live. I lived it and honestly im still kinda living it. I quit working so the only obligation really I have is school and thats every other day. Living thankfully from my tax return and financial aid reimbursement. But even that is spent on shit like weed, which I blow through pretty quick. 

I italicized the word discomfort from the last paragraph because a lot of my role models talk about that, PsychedSubstance, and especially Jordan Peterson have spread that message. And like, that message is honestly everywhere “no pain, no gain” “smooth sails dont make good sailors(something like that)”, I mean, it’s everywhere. But, I took a good look into it and kinda really get the meaning of it. That’s what I like to do, I like to grab ideas by the crouch and examine tf outta them. Nonetheless, the discomfort idea is pretty solid. Jordan Peterson elaborates on the synonym of suffering though.

+Trip report: I think I kinda am feeling it, very slight visual distortions and lighting intensity. 

Anyways! Thats another thing Id like to talk about, psychedelics. I mean, when do i not, but, I told myself and my girlfriend (we’re still together and we’re going pretty good! In fact we’ve gotten much much closer since November) that I would  take a break from psychedelics after I had a 5g shroom trip that was wayyyy too intense for me. I said I wouldn’t do hallucinogens until april 8th, and guess what? I didnt fall through. Because guess what? It isnt april 8th yet. In fact I’ve microdosed twice. Sooooo, I broke that promise. And that brings in a problem, who do i go to when I cant tell my girlfriend stuff? Why cant i?  Why are there some things that I should keep private and why am i keeping this a secret? I dont know but it feels much better to type this out than to live without it being somewhere.   So youre probably thinking how I couldnt keep my word, well let me tell you a story and end with a self analysis.

So about a week ago I got back into town from visiting the day with my grandmother/aunt/cousin/mother for my grandmother’s birthday bash. I was pretty bummed I had to go (even though i had a pretty good time there, we played scategories, it was fun) because i was missing emo night in daytona! Well, I got back into town enough to see half of it and my friend Mashal ( i bought L off of him before, me and him are pretty good acquaintances) asked me if i wanted a tab. I was like “aw hell yeah but I dont have any $” and he was like “its fine bro here you go enjoy” 

So right when i got it i was ecstatic. It’s like i couldnt wait until april 8th. It was in my hand, I couldve tripped that night, but i knew i had a promise to keep. A promise id eventually break but, it gave me so much more passion in life. The hobby of reading about trip reports, about being able to trip again, it was just. So.Fucking.Interesting. like honestly, tripping is so profound. I mean hell, Im on a little bit of acid rn. 

And that leads me to the analysis and honestly I dont know if thats good or bad. I dont know what to think about that. Because i know my attitude shifted considerably from no desire to trip to wanting to trip hella bad. Getting back into trip reports, reading about different combos with weed and other substances. I missed it. And honestly, that kind of worries me a bit. Because my passion is what? Learning about and doing psychedelics? 

It’s so weird because I tripped a lot last winter, once every few weeks, if not every one to two weeks. And even though it was so profound, I got HPPD. And i think that really fucked with my brain. Theres this fog i get in my head, foggy/cloudy mindset. Where focusing, thinking, talking, doing stuff is a bit more...complex than it is usually. I think i suffered a bit of disassociation too. I would constantly think I wasnt myself, that maybe I was just some vessel, or some robot just doing mundane tasks. It was the weirdest feeling ever. However, I was going through a lot like...I was pretty fucking sad. So HPPD with depression wasnt the best. I was sad I was moving, I was sad my parents broke up, and I was especially sad over failing my classes, and...i also got into two car crashes, both within a month. So, I felt like doodoo. But which came first? the chicken or the egg? Did i get sad because of the psychedlics and then had a crash or did i have a crash and then get super sad? either way, i was a mess. And leaving psychedelics out  was uncomfortable because I remember doing shrooms once because I  had problems to fix. But my mood and my mind couldnt handle psychedelics. And I dismissed them, but after Mashal gave me that tab, I felt the same passion I had last winter over psychedelics again. And I was just so happy that I would trip again soon. 

So that happened. In fact, April 7th is when im planning on tripping, Kyle (ex panera employee also Journeys best friend...crazy!) is planning on coming over to journeys and we gonna trip, smoke weed, and chill and I told him i wanted to go see nature and stuff. Im also on a break from weed so when I do smoke on saturday, my tolerance will be 0 and I will have an intense af experience. Im ready. 

Also, this is my like, 3rd night at my mom’s house, and 1st night with the computer back. So maybe ill hit you guys up later with maybe something more thought out, but this is my entry! till next time