#Reo would probably work out very well so long as he went to therapy

[beafitz]

INTRO:

⌠ courtney eaton, 21, cis female, she/her ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, BEATRICE FITZSIMMONS! according to their records, they’re a SECOND year, specializing in DRIVER’S ED & ADVANCED ENCRYPTION; and they DID go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of bitten fingernails with chipped polish, timid smiles, knees stained with grease, warm hugs, and the sound of pouring rain. when it’s the aquarius’s birthday on 1/29/1999, they always request their CINNAMON ROLLS from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation.

@gallagherintro​

tw: abandonment, depression

(there’s a tl;dr at the bottom because this got a little long)

-the first thing that beatrice haeata ng fitzsimmons will tell you about herself is to please call her bea, because beatrice fitzsimmons sounds like an old white lady, and tbh? she’s not wrong. fitzsimmons comes from her wasp father (and she would love to get rid of it, but when she tried to go by bea ng people started calling her ‘human being’ and that got old real fast). beatrice comes from the fact that her mom watched a lot of golden girls while she was pregnant. so she really was named after an old white lady. 

-her dad comes from some upper crusty boston family and idk what her father’s job is yet, but it’s something important and public enough that having a baby out of wedlock with a flight attendant is a big no-no. (update: he’s a massachusetts senator) the fact that she was a woc didn’t endear her to the faux-liberal fitzsimmons either. so they made a deal: if marama (bea’s mom) signed an nda and promised to stay away from richard (bea’s dad), they would send her a ‘generous’ amount of money on a regular basis, pay for the baby’s education, and they even threw in their summer home on nantucket, with the mortgage fully paid off. it wasn’t a deal that marama could say no to, so she moved, and her mother moved back to massachusetts from new zealand to help raise her granddaughter.

-bea had a pretty decent childhood. she got to live in a nice house, and somehow they always had enough money. she was kind of shy, a little awkward, and really just wanted to read and play computer games and draw on her arm with colorful markers. she was nice, and that helped her find a few close friends. she never really felt like she needed more.

-bea asked about her dad a lot. it hadn’t been difficult to figure out that the nice things they had came from him, but she couldn’t figure out why. when she asked, her grandmother would always roll her eyes, say something rude in te reo, and leave the room. her mother always said she’d tell bea when she was ready, when she was a little bit older. when she was thirteen she started to badger her mother about it so often that she gave in, and told bea exactly who her father was and why no one could know. it upset bea, but she’d already spent thirteen years dealing with the fact that he didn’t want her in his life, so the fact that he was an even bigger piece of shit than she realized was disappointing, but not surprising. 

-marama decided that if she was finally going to be honest with bea about her father, it was time for her to come clean about something else. she was not a flight attendant. she worked for the government (she couldn’t say which part) and traveled to (she couldn’t say where) where she collected information on (she couldn’t say what). bea idolized her mom, and if she was a spy, bea wanted to be a spy. her mother told her that she knew of some schools bea could attend to help prepare her for the life of a spy, but told her often that she didn’t have to be a spy, and could leave at any time. sometimes bea thought her mother didn’t want that for her, but she never said it outright.

-bea didn’t feel like she fit in at spy prep school. she didn’t have the same drive as other students, the same intensity. she didn’t know who she was in that environment, but she knew that she wasn’t doing much that she was passionate about. the one thing that helped her feel like she had something to offer was learning coding and encryption. she had always been curious about how the games she liked to play were made, so she loved learning not only how they worked, but how to break in and change them. bea’s mother had told her about her alma mater, gallagher, and after getting a letter bea considered it, but ultimately decided that her heart just wasn’t in the world of espionage. it made her sad to think she wasn’t going to have the same career as her mother, but it felt right.

-after graduating from her spy prep high school, bea took a year (and some of her father’s money) to travel the world, mostly around asia and europe. she thought it was the kind of thing that people did to find themselves, but bea still felt totally lost. there didn’t seem to be a career that involved curling up in bed with a good book and some music to drown out the noise in your head, so she figured she would try to work in computer science. (yay for women in stem!). she ended up going to vassar for compsci, and she liked it well enough. but about two months before the spring semester ended, bea got a call from her grandmother who told her that her mother was missing, and that she had been given no more information than that. bea said she was going to defer for a semester so that she could go home and be with her grandmother. she had been a little bit sad and a little numb for a long time, maybe longer than she realized, but she’d never thought much of it. but after her mother disappeared it got a lot worse. thank god for therapy.

-one day bea was going through her mother’s belongings and found some things from her time at gallagher. it occurred to bea that people in the spy world might have information on her mom, and that she could learn skills to find her mother herself. the fact that she would be emulating her mother in the process sweetened the idea as well. she contacted gallagher to ask if there was still a place for her there, and there was. 

-ok this is getting way too long but basically she decided to take a driver’s ed class because she likes taking computers apart and putting them back together and she thought a car engine might be like that. it wasn’t the same, but she wasn’t disappointed, and enjoyed it so much that she decided to declare it as her second major. if she needs to be alone (which is relatively often) she can be found getting her hands dirty in the garage. being at gallagher and trying to better herself in order to find out what happened to her mother has made her finally feel she has some sort of purpose, but it is definitely an uphill battle.

-personality: uh she’s kind of just your stereotypical sad girl. she’s a bit shy, but has strong opinions and isn’t afraid to share them. she is generally a very kind person and wants to make the people she cares about happy. she’s a great listener, but she’s not great at talking about her own emotions. she doesn’t have a very good handle on them, and she has a tendency to bottle up her emotions until she can’t anymore and then get mad at someone who probably didn’t do anything wrong. she’s really into pop culture, movies, music, books, art, etc. she’s scared of guns and will avoid taking a class in firearms at all costs. she has a dog named trixie, which is short for beatrix kiddo. (she thought that her name being basically the same as the bride’s was amazing, and if lorelai gilmore can name her daughter after herself, bea can name her dog after herself too.)(i can’t believe i just mentioned lorelai gilmore omg). she loves baking. she’s baby. 

-OH one more thing: only her grandmother calls her beatrice. her mom called her beatrice when she was mad, but usually called her little bird or birdy (because of a story she used to tell bea about how mother birds fly away and then always come back to their nests but that is a story for another day). and occasionally people call her fitz, but it’s usually bea or some variant of that.

tl;dr: has a rich important dad who paid her mother to never tell anyone that he was bea’s father, her mother was a spy and went missing a little over a year ago, she likes technology and books and shit. kind of shy and usually nice but sometimes a wee bit rude. 

wanted connections:

a best friend and/or squad

good friends

friends from spy prep (she would have graduated in 2017)

someone who is somehow connected to her dad

people whose mothers knew bea’s mom from when they were at gallagher

a good/bad influence, someone who can help her get out of her shell a little

study buddies

exes/hookups/flings

idk i’m so bad at making these lists just give me angst

anything!! come plot with me

if you read this whole thing please know that i love you.

[changterhune]

Interview with a Madman

Recently a friend (who has asked to be anonymous) asked me one of the most amazing questions anyone has ever asked about my music. The ensuing conversation fgascinated me so much I asked them if I could write about it and they agreed. I’ve redacted some sensitive and personal information but here it is almost in its entirety. We’ll call them CCD for obvious reasons.

CCD: Can you explain your music to me?  First off, I am tone deaf (this is literal as my ear bones are fused) so I'm trying to understand how the melody and harmony of your music works together.

CRT: Wow! Great question. So do you enjoy music in general or certain types or is it all just noise to you? Answer honestly as it will help me answer you better. And I won’t get offended. 😆

CCD: I do enjoy all types of music.  Actually, I really love music.  It's very emotional.  But the kind that you and {REDACTED} make seem chaotic to me.  I think I need a deeper understanding of what is going on so I can process it.  I may not be hearing it properly so my brain cannot interpret it as it was designed.

CRT: Ahhhhhh ok. No you’re hearing it just fine. Let me ask you this: what was your favorite music and who were your favorite bands when you were ages 13-16?

CCD: Well I’ve known {REDACTED} since college, so I have watched his music evolve. He introduced me to musician I hadn't heard before, Like Kate Bush and Lush. Ok. Um...  Well....  Do we have to back in time to the 80's? 

CRT: Yeah! Hahaha!

CCD: I grew up in New Orleans, so aside from the popular 80's music, I also liked Jazz, R&B, and zydeco.

CRT: Oh cool! I didn’t know that!

CCD: I didn't listen to Country/Western until I moved to Texas in 86'. I didn’t gravitate to that stuff until the last 5-7 years. Now I’m amazed by it. Always listened to classical.

CRT: Ok. Reason I ask is that musical tastes and inclination is formed around age 14 or so for most people. Definitely for me. I’ve been revisiting a lot of 80’s new wave and pop from when I was 14 and it’s still alive to me. But I’ve also gotten into newer stuff as it comes out.

CCD: Ah, so we should dive into the 80's deeper then?

CRT: Hah! I’d love to but that might be another interview in and of itself. Now, to finally answer your question. My wife views this type of music as very cerebral and masculine in a lot of ways. But she likes it. And the people who make stuff like this are 90% males. Now there are some women doing this but not a whole lot.

CCD: Wait, that is cool to know. I agree with your wife here.

CRT: Yeah she’s smart. Introduced me to Brian Eno, Leon Russell and Dr. John. See ultimately what I’m looking for in my music is a way to fuse my love of melody and harmony with the weird stuff.

CCD: Sweet!

CRT: I’d say a big factor in my music and your friend’s is the use of repetition, drone and cycling sounds to induce a semi-hypnotic state. Which is clear from that first song of his I played

CCD: He is very mathematical. Like genius.

CRT: Ok! Yeah! Now a lot of these cats who like this stuff are mathematically inclined unlike me. But they all come to programming and technical stuff easily. Which is why they can work in the musical programming langauges with ease. Whereas a lot of sequential logic has evaded me for a long time.

CCD: Yes, he is also a programmer.  Cool stuff.

CRT: So there you go.

CCD: Wait, to go back to sequential logic in music - 

CRT: Ok, Shoot.

CCD: What is it?

CRT: Well you need it for certain basic things like verse chorus structure, music theory and stuff like that.

CCD: This sounds very complex.

CRT: Well sequential logic is actually simple. You use it all the time without thinking. Cooking, dressing, etc. If things go out of order you have problems. But when you get into the more electronic stuff it gets very reliant on it.

CCD: I’m reading it for circuitry.  But now you are applying it to motor planning.

CRT: YES EXACTLY!!! Are you a PT? I learned it through doing yoga.

CCD: I have two sons with motor planning disorders.

CRT: Ah ok then. I learned about it through a pt working with my mom after her stroke. And yoga taught me motor planning I.e. sequential logic applied to human physiology. You dig? I really came to understand how to use and move my body outside of the regular things. It was no longer just a vehicle for walking to work or sex or whatever.

CCD: Yes, it's a lot like a stroke.   So I do kind of get what you are saying with the music. I may have to understand what the musician was thinking when making it then?

CRT: Wait have you done yoga? And if not you should. Might help your boys, too.

CCD: All inputs and outputs (historical) also help decide what is next in the song?

CRT: Whoa that’s a good question. Yes. Kinda. That’s my initial answer.

CCD: The boys do OT.  Yoga would totally be impossible because they can't stop moving for sensory input needs.

CRT: Ok. You said it was like motor planning. So what’s their overarching diagnosis? Autism? Or is that part of it?

CCD: My oldest son is global dyspraxia.   It affects his speech and movement.  But not his cognitive ability (but it does make it the cognitive process slower, but not inaccurate).  He is actually very good at math, but awful at reading. My youngest son is awaiting dx.  Not as bad at older son.  Has issue with crossing the midline and sensory integration.  Speech and cognitive processes intact. For us, it is genetic.  My brother and his children also have some form.  We also have Auditory Processing Disorder (notice I said we, because I have it too).  I have 3 out of 4 kids with it, plus 3 cousins.

CRT: Wow!

CCD: But, we all love music.  My youngest son loves ELO, REO Speedwagon.  My youngest daughter loves Electronica, like her dad. My oldest daughter liked this opera death rock in high school but has mellowed a bit now. I'll have to look more into the physiology of music.   My son's are listing to TLP.  Have you heard of it?  Music that helps the brain?

CRT: Wow! That’s fascinating! The human brain is a weird and wonderful landscape. So how does that APD manifest? I had an employee who couldn’t learn stuff verbally. Training her was a nightmare. Had to let her go when a mistake of hers cost me $1,600. Agony for her of course but for me as I felt such guilt firing her (Yeah my employee was also probably really high all the time). I’ve got ADD which was diagnosed midway through my post-graduate year. I’m a better auditory learner but also kinetic.

CCD: For APD, the person afflicted with it needs to get speech therapy or a home program where they can learn to isolate foreground sounds from background noises.   Some types of OTC hearing aids in work situations can help with this.

CRT: Ah ok. Interesting.

CCD: They also have to watch everything the speaker says. And write everything down.  And ask for all materials in advance so they can learn at home before being formally taught.

CRT. Ok that makes sense. CRT: Is the issue that certain sounds can’t be isolated?

CCD: Yeah if I don’t have my meds I’m easily distracted especially by sound. There is actually several kinds of APD. 31 flavors do to speak.

Sounds drop out from words.

The person can't hear spaces and everything runs together

Both ears won't work together

Both ears can't work separately.

My son has 3 out of 4.  My daughter and I only have 1. It's really fucked up. But like I said, Dx'ed early and you get the therapy so you learn to deal with it when you become an adult. When you were dx'ed with ADD what did they do for you? I'm learning a lot about ADD just with my kids in OT.   Like the fact, that ADD is Dx'ed when the real issue was APD or VPD. Or was SPD.

CRT: I was given Ritalin and a little instruction on how to learn and cope with it. Afterwards I went to a place called Learning Strategies where they actually re-taught me how to learn using my skills. Very helpful.

CCD: Ok so music?

CRT. Hah! How to make sense of what me and your friend make?Hmmm...

CCD: Wait, tell me how your music affects you.

CRT: Good question!

CCD: Like, what does it do for you emotionally?   Does it sedate you?  Get you ramped up?

CRT: It depends. I’m weird because I listen to my own music more than most musicians do. I use it to zone out to or as background noise sometimes. I think it’s best suited to soundtrack, TV or film scores. It’s hard because I think it works best when people don’t listen to it directly.

CCD: {REDACTED} also is bipolar, and uses music as therapy.

CRT: Interesting. Me, too.

CCD: So you mean put it on and vacuum or do the laundry a few times? Like not pay attention, just have it in the background?

CRT: Yes exactly! You must have a little laundry with 3-4 kids right? Hah! Though it does bear up to direct examination I think.

CCD: My whole house is laundry. It’s easier when the kids can do it on their own. Already training #2 for that. I just want them all driving a car by 5th grade.

CRT: Hah!

CCD: Well, thanks for explaining the music to me. {REDACTED} is neat, but he has a genius complex that can sometimes make it hard for him to  compassionately explain something to the uneducated. And if you ever get another employee with APD, let me know.  I'll help you work with them.

CRT: Lol cool. I don’t think I answered you at all though.

CCD: I do think I understood it better.  The motorplanning analogy was a big help.

CRT: Oh good!

 ~END~