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ravencincaide · 11 months ago

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Helloooo!! I stopped here because you've been an inspiration. Your works, your writing inspired me to write my own fanfictions (soukoku). They are both still in progress, but I really would love to know what do you think about them. If you are interested, I'll write the some informations about them down here (I admit I still didn't work on a proper plot for these, but I promise I will, I swear. . .). Feel free to ignore this, I just wanted to share because I would like to know your opinion, it would be very precious, and brighten my day!

For the first one;

It's a reincarnation au.

It begins in a rather tragic way, in which Dazai and Chuuya both die. They get reincarned as "ordinary boys" years later, and become childhood friends, going on the years staying closer as ever.

As the teen years kicks in, they start to develop this curiosity towards abandoned places, and dying with the urge to explore them, at 15 years old they both start to search and dig themselves into these explorations.

At 17 years old, they stumble in front of a place that nobody ever has been seen walking around. A lonely place, with nothing special in it. Dazai wanted to watch anyways, and Chuuya.. well, Chuuya was curious as well.

So they find themselves in front of a certain container, the one where Dazai's past self lived.

Inside, they find some things rather interesting, and Dazai becomes obsessed with the idea to find out more about his past self and Chuuya's past self, so sick that he makes the want to travel back in time into his past body his will to live.

Crazy, idk how did I come out with this idea, and I know it probably sounds illogical.

I will find a way to make it work, or maybe I'll just make Dazai slowly ascend into madness.

For the second one;

I actually have a plot for this one, but it's.. a poem, a poetry.

"The water flows,

Clear and pure.

But he does not know if it's secure.

It flows incessantly, without rest,

From the lips, nostrils, eyes, ears.

He observes, aware and silent,

While the water runs without wit.

Someone unaware, in front of him,

Does not know what they have just done.

Time passes.

An abstract concept, without pause or rift.

Impossible to grasp it, stop it, hold it,

Only to observe it, as the world moves.

A dry something slithers away,

A shadow on his cheek lay.

The mouth opens, dryness penetrates,

Every crevice dries up, mercilessly.

The face hidden by black locks,

Exclaims softly, in severe tones.

It doesn't want the one thing it loves,

To vanish like this, in a fleeting flame.

So many years spent creating it with care,

Just for everything fades away, immeasurably?

For a stupid reason, so banal,

The fabric that once was rigid, now is fragile.

Between the fingers, cold and loose it dissolves,

A ghost of a tender smile is visible.

The water no longer flows."

It took A LOT to write this, because poetry is not really what I'm good at AT ALL. I hope it at least is decent, tho.

This follows the beast au.

Chuuya followed a normal life, until his group of friends make a big mistake.

One member of the group has been treated unkindly by the others, so he lead the whole friends to an hell hole; a party organised exclusively for illegal organisations.

Oblivious of this, the whole group enters this party, and when they find out what it is about, It's way too late.

After meeting with the mafia boss itself, Chuuya swears to try and never get to meet him again, but his hopes crumbles when he finds out his dad has debts. Debts he didn't pay.

That makes Chuuya's selfless butt drag himself to Dazai, him himself asking the boss of the port mafia to close his eye and let his father go. It sounds dumb even just writing it.. but well, he realises this after he took the impulsive decision.

At the end, Dazai accepts to let his father go, on one condition. Chuuya has to work with him.

Chuuya's answers will truly bring a lot of consequences.

Erm... I really hope this long thing won't be a bother to you!! If you actually took your time to read it, I thank you and appreciate a lot the time you decided to place on my silly little ideas!

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this!

Can I be 🌇 anon?

Hey there 🌇 anon! First of all, what an honor it is to be someones inspiration to start writing; there is honestly no bigger compliment you can give another writer <3.

When it comes to your works, I have to say they sound bloody brilliant! But also like a tremendous amount of work! Honestly best, best of luck and I would really look forward to reading the first drafts/completed fics. About first one, I would love to know what genre you're setting for; angst, hurt comfort or something more teenage-foolish and then a sudden awkwardness at finding out your best friend is also your lover? Your double black through thick and thin? Or something else? *excited!* About the second one; poetry has always been a bit of a fascination of mine. Unfortunately I've never been gifted with the ability to write long things; to set the scene and twist and turn the reader like you are able to. Definitely this is something you should explore! Really, I would say you have a knack for it. I have to admit that in some lines I lost the rhythm so my advice would be to read it out loud a few times just to see where a synonym may be more suitable to use. The feel and the scene however is very captivating and would be amazing to intertwine with a fic; Have lines of the poem run through the fic from start to end. It would definitely be interesting to see what and how Chuuya would react (Sidenote:Makes me think of a song actually). However what I'd like to add is that there is nothing wrong with your prompt or "foolish reason behind Chuuya's actions" instead it's all about how you write it. Some make entire careers on well used prompts: enemies to lovers, soulmates etc. What is foolish to one; a life changing story for another. And familial love and sacrifices are not new and not different (just see Shakespears work for instance!). It's all about how you write and what you want to convey. Long story short your fics sound awesome and I hope you will get around to writing and publishing them!

Also if you need a beta, some writing ideas or feedback on outline/snippets etc I am starting up that on my second blog; RavenCincaide-words So feel free to hit me up there if you'd like me to give a deeper look at your stuff!

#ask answered #Raven Cincaide's ask #Raven Cincaide's beta #keep writing #skk for the win!

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raven-cincaide-words · 5 months ago

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Raven Cincaide Beta Review

Requested by: Jack-the-rapper Work title: “Captured” Chapter(s) reviewed: Chapter 1 Published fic (link): Yes link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55423462/chapters/140628064 Fic rating: M Mature Pairing: Joker (DCU) & Bruce Wayne Type of review: Medium Fandom & Fandom Familiarity: Batman. I have seen some Batman movies a few years ago but have never worked or written for the fandom. Thus I lack fandom specific knowledge. Please keep that in mind when reading the review.

First Impressions First impression is that this is a dark fic which is something I look forward to reading. It’s got decent language and Bruce is not written in a way which creates no apparent hate or distaste towards him. However the fic loses me a lot in the beginning, because of long complicated sentences and a lot of repetitions while the action or the ‘happenings’ come towards the end of the chapter. In other words, once you get through the slow beginning, the end of the chapter is gripping and interesting, prompting the reader to continue reading the story.

Opening Scene The first sentence is supposed to capture your reader. Which it does, however the following sentences and paragraphs create confusions instead of clarity for the reader. More precisely, the reader understands that Batman is dizzy, fading in and out of consciousness- so why focus on it? Is something happening to him? Is there going to be a high impact scene next? Are we getting why he is like that? Some of this information comes much later, which runs the risk of the reader getting impatient and leaving the story.

Another comment is language in the opening scene. More precisely the sentences are long (not varied) and at times overly complicated, misleading or unclear. For example “Through narrowed slits, he discerned the swaying silhouettes of a space that seemed to dissolve into darkness at its edges, as he gradually emerged from the depths of unconsciousness.” What does ‘swaying silhouettes of a space’ actually mean? Are there shadows playing in the corner of his vision, is he seeing things, or is this another way you’re trying to convey that he is dizzy and disoriented?

Plot /Pacing/ Scenes/ Gaps If I understood the chapter correctly it can be summarized as follows; Bruce woke up hanging from the ceiling by the ropes, he was beaten, bruised and struggled with consciousness. He remembered being captured and repeatedly beaten, felt his injuries, tried to escape but fainted again.

The overall pacing of the chapter is slow: there is a lot of detail about being dizzy, feeling bad and falling in and out of consciousness that draws out the word count without adding to the plot and the overall theme and scenes. The repetitions do not appear to be a rhetorical tool (not like threes) and are not necessarily a creepy-feeling-inducing ploy. Their purpose is therefore a little unclear to me.

There aren’t any glaring gaps, though the shift from flashbacks to present could be made clearer to the reader.

For example a template that could used is instead of just writing ‘flashback’: *Bruce remembered something/ he thought of something*– *insert memory* then- “a wave of pain washed over him bringing him back to the present,” then again something happened making him remember, then again back to the present.

Sorta like a ball being passed back and forth. This could make it flow better and make it clearer instead of repeating ‘flashbacks’ while adding more overall details. This could possibly help with the pacing and flow of the chapter.

Characters & Character interaction Another possible gap falls under character description and concerns his appearance. How is Bruce dressed? Is he in his Batman getup? In his office suit and what condition is it in? Or is he in his boxers?Or something else entirely? What does he feel of his attire and how do the clothes behave/feel on his beaten body? A lot of this section is not covered/unclear so therefore I cannot give a deeper review here.

Genre:(Romance/Angst etc) Not applicable or requested Dialogue Not applicable or requested Settings and landscape The overall settings and landscape could be made more clearer. Perhaps by keeping it in their own paragraphs. For example how does he know it’s a warehouse, has he been there before? What gives it away? AND how does he know that it is abandoned? The overall description of it is rather vague and things like water(?) dripping off the pipe falls in between Bruce’s thoughts/breaths rather than be its own paragraph which makes it easy to overlook or confuse.

Visuals and logic Visuals refers to whether the description of an action makes sense, which is something that this story could improve on. There are several instances which are described in a fashion that don’t make sense or in the very least are difficult to visually comprehend.

For example “As his senses gradually sharpened again, Bruce became acutely aware of the sensation of burning pain radiating from his wrists and shoulder” And later confirming that he does not know how much time has passed which may present a logical issue. A quick google search suggests that hanging by yourself on the bar is generally not something you’d handle for long (https://www.quora.com/What-happens-if-you-hang-by-your-arms-too-long), and the world record for a dead hang is 1h 20 min and 41 seconds. Considering Bruce is generally portrayed as being ‘buff’ or heavy in weight alt. If he is held up for a long time, then his shoulders would dislocate. If they aren’t dislocated, that should give him the indication of how long he’s been up or vise-versa. Also the pain itself (probably even numbness)would be in the entire arms, not just the wrists and shoulders.

Then another inconsistency with time: “Time was a hazy concept, and without any external cues, he had no way of knowing how much time had passed since then.” yet this “His mind raced, trying to piece together when he had last eaten or drunk anything. Flashes of memory teased the edges of his consciousness, but nothing concrete emerged. Perhaps it had been that morning before the kidnapping, but he couldn't be sure” suggests that he has some understanding of how much time passed since he last ate/drank and thus was kidnapped.

Another example “With each passing moment, it became increasingly clear to Bruce that his chances of breaking free from his restraints were slim at best.” Then “In his struggle to comprehend his surroundings, Bruce sharpened his senses, scanning the room for any indication of his captors or a potential means of escape.” The question I get as the reader is; why is he studying the architecture of the room and the structure of it if he can’t even get out of his ropes? What difference does it make if the wall is paper or cardboard-thin and easy for him to punch through if he hasn’t gotten out of his ropes?

Writing style/tone/Voice The general impression of the writing style is that it is very poetic and is written by someone who knows the language well. However it lacks variety and sometimes misses words. Predominantly the sentences are long, stretching several lines and held together with commas. In combination with flowery “Shakesprean” language, it is difficult to read in parts. Note that long sentences can be a disadvantage when it comes to building tension; generally speaking the shorter the sentences the faster you read them and the quicker you build the tension in the reader. Also short and simple sentences can be used to show confusion, disorientation and fear (part of the ‘show not tell’ approach).

For example “Bruce's eyelids fluttered open with a groan, the dim light piercing his consciousness like needles, prompting him to reflexively close them again.” while I understand what you mean, my first thought is: How can eyelids groan? The descriptive word ‘groan’ is not connected to any other body part or thing besides eyelids (compare with “Door opened with screech”). I understand that you mean that he groaned as he opened his eyes, but the way it is written can give a more comical interpretation rather than seriousness of the situation you’re going for.

Another point to consider is voices/perspective and how it perceives others actions. This goes hand in hand with logic and character interaction. Including too much can confuse the reader but also make your story foundation less stable. Even as an ominous reader/writer you have to consider what and how you formulate something. For example “He noted the absence of tools or implements scattered about the room, a deliberate omission by his captors to thwart any attempts at self-liberation.“

As far as I remember Bruce can’t read minds and the assailants haven’t left a note saying they ‘didn’t leave any tools so he could not escape’. An alternative would be something like: “He noted the absence of tools or implements scattered about the room, undoubtedly, a deliberate omission by his captors to prevent any unwanted self-liberation attempts.“ By including something like undoubtedly and re-writing the sentence slightly not only do you improve clarity but also leave yourself open in case Bruce misses something.

Repetitions There are primarily two different types of repetitions in this work that do not help driving the story forward. The first is the sentence repetitions where the same thing is described in different ways yet without adding to the story or driving it forward.

For example; “With each blink, the world seemed to swim and sway, a disorienting kaleidoscope of colours and shapes that refused to coalesce into coherence. Yet amidst the chaos, faint outlines began to emerge from the haze, like distant shapes emerging from thick fog. Though his sight remained muddled and uncertain [...]”

The first sentence, ending with swim and sway is plenty to let the reader know his sight is uncertain, even the first line that ends with’ coherence’ is plenty. The rest such as the description of the outlines of shapes and the sentence after that ‘his sight remained muddled and uncertain’ all describe the same thing as you did with “With each blink, the world seemed to swim and sway” so technically, everything after your first sentence is a repetition that makes your story less clear.

Another example; “Fortunately, he found no signs of danger; the room was empty, and he was alone.”

Again the room was empty or that he was alone would be plenty for the reader. Both become buttery butter so to speak.

Final example: “Bruce's jaw tightened,” and the next sentence “but Bruce gritted his teeth,” both are different formulations of essentially the same thing.

Second type of repetition is theme repetition without action or events taking place. For example

Sentence 1 paragraph 1: “Bruce's eyelids fluttered open with a groan, the dim light piercing his consciousness like needles, prompting him to reflexively close them again.” Some form of struggling to keep eyes open or retain consciousness is present all the way down to

Sentence 2, paragraph 6: “ He blinked away the haze clouding his vision to make sense of the situation.“

The issue with keeping these repetitions is that it describes the same thing in different ways, does not add to the story while carrying the risk of losing readers. More precisely it is only on paragraph six the reader starts getting more than just ‘Bruce feels dizzy and falls in and out of consciousness’. A lot of readers, including myself, would not have the patience to wait an A4 page for something more to happen. People are generally impatient like that, unfortunately.

Overview & Overall impressions My overall impression is that I like the idea and the concept, I like the approach and some of the story telling techniques. But the work could benefit from improving clarity. My two points of advice would be; “Show not tell” to avoid the repetitions and “read aloud” to hear the repetitions, feel if there the same theme is coming back again (eg. if you get the impression “didn’t I just read/hear that?”) and see where you lose the red thread. Also do not be afraid to vary long and short sentences, and do not be afraid to use ‘simple’ language. Not only does it make the work more accessible but it also shows a great understanding of the language. Think quality (and whether it makes sense) over quantity.

Overall, given that it's your first fanfiction, I would say fantastic job! Please take my feedback into consideration and with a bit of practice you’ll be an amazing writer in no time!

All fics and beta work are unique works by © raven-cincaide 2024. Do not copy/repost/translate or spread my work(s) without my explicit permission. If you see any of my work(s) reworked/reposted/copied anywhere, please inform me!

#Raven Cincaide beta reader #beta reader review #Betar reader review completed #beta reader

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miss-cincaide · 5 months ago

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𓍼 Raven:

A university student who puts herself into an overworked- hectic schedule in a feeble attempt to feel something. In love with fictional men and spends (the little) free time every day on writing and fantasizing about said men.

Are we in the same fandom and wanna fangirl, write and rave together? My DMS are always open ꨄ︎

𓍼 Learning and Re-learning writing.

I write whenever and whatever comes to mind. NSFW is admittedly not my strength and whenever I do write it, it tends to get in the grounds of toxic and dark content. So this channel is very much me learning the do's and the don't and a chance for me to express both my darkest fantasies and the pure, unadulterated loving fluff.

𓍼 Prompts?

If wanna know how the hell I come up with the stuff on here? Me too! But if you're more curious about my prompts you'll find them on: @raven-cincaide-words. That blog is a space which has:

Writing Advice and motivational info

Beta reading options

Weekly writing prompts starting November

Larger prompt sets for special events AKA Kinktober, Flufftober, Advent Calendars etc.

𓍼 So, who's Raven? The heck I know, but if you do figure it out. Please let me know

All fics are unique works by © miss-cincaide 2024. Do not copy/repost/translate or spread my work(s) without my explicit permission. If you see any of my work(s) reworked/reposted/copied anywhere, please inform me!

#Raven Cincaide about me #Raven Cincaide masterlist

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raven-cincaide · 5 months ago

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𝐓α𝗀𝗌 α𐓣ᑯ ᥣ𝗂𐓣𝗄𝗌

Raven Cincaide Status- important information, update, other info.

Raven Cincaide Masterlist - used for all masterlists

Raven Cincaide Asks– Asks, convo's, short requests, etc

Raven Cincaide Requests- requested fics

Raven Cincaide SFW- Can contain no-to- minor sexual content across all.

Raven Cincaide reread- fics/stuff I need to read again and again.

Raven Cincaide recs - recommendations

* To find series tags see masterlist

𝐖ɦ𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗍ⱺ 𝖿𝗂𐓣ᑯ ꭑ𝖾:

On Tumblr:

Main (SFW): Raven-Cincaide

Reblogs: Miss-Cincaide- reblogs

NSFW: Miss-Cincaide

BSD (under edit): Raven Cincaide

Prompts/BETA: Raven Cincaide Words

On AO3:

Raven_Cincaide (updating..)

Other: I have an account on Eclipse for co-writing; JanitorAI for bots; Gencraft for art used including character pics, for profile pic & Background and discord if you just wanna chat day to day! All the profile pictures and other art content is AI-generated using Gencraft. An issue? Feel free to block me.

Main |Raven | Rules and Requests | Masterlist | Links

All fics are unique works by ©ravencincaide 2024. Do not copy/repost/translate or spread my work(s). If you see any of my work(s) reposted/copied anywhere else please be a sweetheart and inform me!

#Raven Cincaide masterlist #Raven Cincaide tags and links

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raven-cincaide-words · 5 months ago

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Think before you type

No but seriously, think twice before you leave a comment on a fic someone has put out there. Maybe you think you're helpful but truth be told you don't know what this particular writers point of improvement is, so you just come across as a snob. Even more embarrassing is if there's a warning exactly for the thing you don't like... So be kind and read properly- Okay? So some things to remember: - Is your comment helpful? ( "This sucks!" "It's overused prompt" is NOT helpful!) - Is your comment constructive? ( "Why so OOC?" "Learn English!" "Where is the smut?" are also things writers don't wanna see) - Is your comment kind/motivational/inspirational? ("Update NOW." "Frfr" and similar aren't really doing much for most writers) - Is your comment necessary? ("I don't like *insert theme/style*" "*Warning! Minimal edits.* The comment: Omg there're typos here!" "You're taking too long to update so I used AI to finish your fic" aren't good comments, in fact they are downright rude.) So what do we take away from this? Don't be a jerk. Plain and simple and be thankful for the gorgeous content people put out for you to read FOR FREE!

#Raven Cincaide thoughts #Writing #feedback #writing advice #review advice #comment #think before you type #beta reader #writing tips #on writing

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raven-cincaide-words · 4 months ago

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Raven Cincaide Beta Review

Requested by: Jack-the-rapper Work title: “Captured” Chapter(s) reviewed: Chapter 2 Published fic (link): Yes link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55423462/chapters/141404440#workskin Fic rating: M Mature Pairing: Joker (DCU) & Bruce Wayne Type of review: Medium Fandom: Batman Fandom Familiarity: I have seen the Batman movies sometime ago, but have never worked or written for the fandom. Thus I lack fandom specific knowledge. Please keep that in mind when reading the review.

First Impressions The very first thing that I notice when opening chapter 2 is a formatting issue where the spaces in the text are missing (especially in comparison to chapter 1), thus the entire chapter looks like one huge chunk of text. Also it lacks any italics or bold markings or anything that helps guide the eye to make it easier to read Thus even without reading the chapter, the text feels too packed and dense.

Perhaps obvious but worth mentioning is the use of language in this chapter, which strongly differs from the re-written chapter 1 and resembles more the original chapter 1. The text has long, complicated sentences, lacks varied language and repeats a lot of what we already know from the chapter before rather than building on top of it. This combined with the slow pace, where the first three paragraphs don’t drive the story forward make it difficult for me to motivate myself to continue reading.

Opening Scene: The first sentence is supposed to capture your reader. In this case the first sentence and the subsequent sentences in the first paragraph appear to be a repetition of the first chapter. I, as the reader, was left off on a high impact ending with Bruce passing out. Now it’s a little like we’re back-pedaling to the start of chapter 1 and repeating the entire main themes of that chapter, rather than build off of the fascinating ending. A reader who has just finished chapter 1 still remembers what happened there and does not need a lot of the dark, passing out descriptions again. Rather I need to know what happens; has any time passed? Has anything happened to Bruce while he was passed out? What does Bruce notice, think or feel in that instance?

Plot/ Pacing/ Scenes/ Gaps The pacing of the story is a little bit erratic and slightly confusing by contradicting itself. It is at times unclear which parts are Bruce and his inner thoughts and which parts are known only to the omnipotent or ‘all knowing’ outside narrator. For example the first two paragraphs are very clear that Bruce is fading in and out of consciousness and then seemingly out of nowhere there is gunshot. But then that paragraph is concluded with: “Yet, amidst the cacophony, Bruce's mind blurred the lines between reality and illusion, unable to discern the true from the imagined.” What does this mean? That he is imagining the gunfire? Then the scene changes to his clothing and jerking body before going to the sudden sound of steps? For me, the jump between these scenes is difficult to follow. There doesn’t seem to be anything connecting the first four paragraphs to help guide the flow of the story.

Additionally the presence of repetitions and flowery language also slows down the pace of the chapter. Shorter sentences, or use of rhetorical techniques could help connect the chapters and scenes forward. Something I use when I have paragraphs hanging and it’s an insanity based fic is fixation with time so like 8:10 [insert description] 8:11 [insert description] 8:13 [insert description] and similar. In this setting a similar approach could be taken with gunshots or steps. Such as Bang Bang Bang [description], Bang Bang [description] Bang [the door slams/steps stop in front of him/] or something to connect the parts and builds on top of the tension and delirium.

Overall the first page of the text seems to be a repetition and until the spoken voice, it isn’t clear to me that there is anything that has changed from the ending of chapter one.

Characters & Character interaction: The description of Bruce is one of the first scenes in the chapter. It seems close to the description in Chapter 1 but possibly in worse shape- though this part is admittedly a little unclear. It wasn’t obvious to me that he had been additionally beaten after passing out in chapter one.

When it comes to Joker, his description comes in two different places, first in the beginning as: “The figure, clad in tattered clothing, moved with an unsettling grace, their every step a calculated dance of madness.” and then later “The Joker's dishevelled purple suit clung to his slender frame, frayed, and stained with patches of drying blood. Despite the chaos, Bruce couldn't ignore the twisted allure in his appearance. His chalk-white skin, marred by scars and his characteristic smudged and streaked makeup, sent a shiver down Bruce's spine, mingling with a strange, unsettling fascination that he couldn't quite shake.” the descriptions seem to somewhat match with some differences. Though admittedly, if Bruce sees that Joker is dressed in tattered clothes, then why didn’t he notice the rest of his appearance? (seems to be an inconsistency with regard to the light source which seems to be coming from up above, which is the impression given in chapter 1).

Genre:(Romance/Angst etc) Not applicable or requested Settings and landscape Not applicable or requested

Dialogue This chapter has both thoughts and dialogue. Due to formatting it is a little difficult to distinguish which is which. Joker uses a lot of nicknames and pet names which fit well with the overall unhinged Joker persona. What is a little surprising and almost contradictory is the little dialogue that is from Bruce: first “ "J-joker? Wha's the game 'ere?" is a surprising greeting and very Batman like despite Bruce having the appearance of.. well.. Wayne. Wouldn’t that sentence give him away to Joker? A second point is Bruce's exclamation “"H-hurts." and readily accepting Jokers help without questioning it. The confusion for me is that it is unclear whether Bruce thinks Joker knows about his secret identity or not (note! Joker doesn’t actually need to know/not know, it’s what Bruce thinks) So if Bruce thinks Joker knows- then sentence one makes sense but not the subsequent dialogue and action, however if he doesn’t know, then the first line makes no sense but the rest makes sense because then it could be understood as Bruce just being a playboy millionaire- tough looking but kinda weak as well.

Visuals & Logic Visuals refers to whether the description of an action makes sense, which is something that this chapter could improve on. When considering this section, it is not only the logic within the chapter but also the way it relates to the previous chapter(s).

The first logical issue is connected to the key themes in chapter 1 contra chapter two. For example

Chapter 1, near the end: ““I may be hanging by a thread,” he thought defiantly, “but I’ll break this thread before I let them break me.””

Chapter 2 paragraph 2?: “There was nothing left for him to do but wait – for his captors to return, for salvation to come, or perhaps for the darkness to claim him once and for all.”

When putting the chapters side by side it is unclear what made Bruce so suddenly shift his determination from the fighting back in the first chapter, to the passive, almost submissive persona in the beginning of the second chapter. Especially considering factors such as concussion and broken bones were present in chapter 1 as well as memory loss and fading in and out of consciousness. So what happened? What changed? Why is he like that? Or in other words, what broke his spirit?

Another type of logical inconsistency is connected to the descriptive language. For example: “"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" The voice, a chilling blend of malice and amusement, slithered through the air like a venomous serpent, drawing ever closer until it hung just a few meters before Bruce, its echoes reverberating off the damp walls, each word dripping with sinister intent.” the entire description of the voice is one long sentence that is difficult to visualize. That words can be venomous are not contested here, but trying to visualize them as a snake that hangs a few meters in front of Bruce is harder. What does this actually mean? That the words are insulting/sharp/biting but that he doesn’t understand them? And is it the snake bouncing off the walls or the words?

“To Bruce, the laughter seemed distorted, muffled by the fabric gag, and further obscured by the pounding in his head.“ This seems to be an inconsistency between the rag and Bruce, and raises the question; since it’s Joker laughing, how does the gag in Bruces mouth make it muffled? Am I missing something here? And also “As Bruce tentatively licked his lips, he winced at the sharp taste of fresh blood mingling with the fabric's texture.” Wasn’t the rag removed? Why would it’s texture being brought up again?

Writing style/tone/Voice/ The general impression of the writing style is that it is very poetic and is written by someone who knows the language well. However it lacks variety and sometimes misses words. Predominantly the sentences are long, stretching several lines and held together with commas. In combination with flowery “Shakesprean” language, it is difficult to read in parts. Note that long sentences can be a disadvantage when it comes to building tension; generally speaking the shorter the sentences the faster you read them and the quicker you build the tension in the reader. Also short and simple sentences can be used to show confusion, disorientation and fear (part of the ‘show not tell’ approach).

For example “Outside his fractured reality, the sounds of chaos reverberated in the distance – a symphony of torment with the sharp crack of gunfire, piercing screams of agony, and a manic laughter of madness.”

Is a long sentence with several different ideas in it and language that confuses rather than amplifies the point. It would have been better to split the sentence into smaller segments. Additionally, manic laughter would be sufficient without adding the ‘of madness’ part. This last part is connected to logic and more precisely how can Bruce know that it is a laughter of ‘madness’. He cannot see the person or the mad behavior they exhibit and could therefore only ‘guess’ that it is of ‘madness’- it could just as well be laughter of happiness or joy, he can’t know for certain unless he knows who it is- however at that stage of the chapter it is evident that he doesn’t recognize Joker!

Another example: “His eyes, weighed down by exhaustion and pain, struggled to focus on the looming figure before him, their movements sluggish and uncoordinated.” Who’s movements are sluggish and uncoordinated- the figure? With the focus on Bruce’s eyes weighed down by exhaustion and pain it’s easy to assume that it is Bruce’s movements that are sluggish and uncoordinated.

Another possible inconsistency: “He couldn't afford to let his guard down, not with the Joker lurking in the shadows.” What do you mean by it? How can Joker be in the shadows if he is in front of Bruce?

These inconsistencies force the reader to re-read the same paragraphs over and over again and, in parts, can be especially confusing. Rewriting and removing them may help with the clarity and the visual aspects of the scenes.

Repetitions There are primarily two different types of repetitions in this work that do not help driving the story forward. These repetitions are especially glaring when comparing chapter 1 with chapter 2. The first type of repetition are the sentence repetitions where the same thing is described in different ways yet without adding to the story or driving it forward.

For example: “Bruce's pulse quickened, a surge of adrenaline coursing through his veins as he strained to discern the source of the approaching sounds. Alarm gripped Bruce as he sensed the approaching figure [...],”

The first sentence ending with ‘sounds’ is plenty to let the reader know he is panicked, alarmed or worried. The next line is thus a direct repetition and could be removed. The first sentence is also left hanging; it ends with ‘discern the source of the approaching sounds’ so the reader expects to see something that indicates whether he can or cannot pinpoint where the sounds come from, is there something peculiar, familiar or comforting about the sound? Or something else that builds on top of that.

Another example:

“Bruce's heart hammered in his chest.[...]” and “Fear and confusion mingled with the relentless pounding of his headache [..]” The two sentences follow one another but it is already clear to the reader that he is afraid and confused. Once again, using both especially in a short chapter becomes buttery butter.

Another example: “Yet, amidst the cacophony, Bruce's mind blurred the lines between reality and illusion, unable to discern the true from the imagined.” In this case, ‘blurred the lines between reality and illusion’ is the same as saying ‘unable to discern the true from the imagined’. Furthermore that particular sentence comes back in another form around half a page later and connects with the second type of repetition: description without driving the action forward. See: “ Fear and confusion mingled with the relentless pounding of his headache, blurring the boundaries between reality and delusion.”

The focus on madness of Bruces savior is another example of the second type of repetition: that he is mad is evident from the getgo, it is not necessarily to include the adjectives ‘madness’ and ‘manic’ in the sentences that follow. Including descriptions such as [..]”calculated dance of madness.” then “ A manic glint danced in their eyes,“ It would be sufficient to show through Joker's actions that he is mad, the adjectives are thus unnecessary and risk complicated the sentences, making them longer and more difficult to follow..

Overview & Overall impressions My overall impression is that I like the idea and the concept, and especially like the dialogue from Jokers side. But the work could benefit from improving clarity, decreasing repetitions and working on the scenes and flow of the story. As I mentioned before, do not be afraid to vary long and short sentences, and do not be afraid to use ‘simple’ language. Not only does it make the work more accessible but it also shows a great understanding of the language. Think quality (and whether it makes sense) over quantity.

Also try to consider which perspective you narrate from: if it is Bruce’s perspective then be clear to yourself which assumptions he has and go from those when deciding on actions and reactions including in dialogue. This will help with keeping the dialogue consistent and engaging.

In short: A lot of the overall comments made for the original chapter 1 review apply in this chapter as well. I would advise you to go back to that review which you can find under my masterlist and see how the comments made there can be applied to this chapter as well. Including show and tell and to decrease repetitions drastically.

My overall advice for this chapter would be to remember that chapter 2 should build on top of chapter 1; remember that reader most likely just just read (or re-read) chapter 1 and has those themes and scenes fresh in memory. Repeating them not only confuses the reader but also fails to drive the story forward while risking losing reader including the most patient ones.

#Raven Cincaide beta reader #beta reader review #Betar reader review completed #beta reader #Captured #Batman #Jack-the-rapper

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raven-cincaide-words · 4 months ago

Text

Raven Cincaide Beta Review

Requested by: Jack-the-rapper Work title: “Captured” Chapter(s) reviewed: Chapter 1 (re-written version) Published fic (link): Yes link:https://archiveofourown.org/works/55423462/chapters/140628064 Fic rating: M Mature Pairing: Joker (DCU) & Bruce Wayne Type of review: Medium Fandom & Fandom Familiarity: Batman. I have seen some Batman movies a few years ago but have never worked or written for the fandom. Thus I lack fandom specific knowledge. Please keep that in mind when reading the review.

First impressions First impressions of this chapter are similar to the first impressions before the re-write: it is a dark fic which is something I look forward to reading. It’s got decent language although there are some typos and minor errors . Bruce is written much more coherently this time and there is nothing inherently sticking out that makes me dislike or hate him. However the fic still has a lot of repetitions which in part risk losing the reader. Primarily it is word repetitions in the beginning and a lot of theme repetitions towards the conclusion of the chapter which end up weakening or losing the gripping impact of the ending. Turning it from a heart-wrenching and engaged ‘wow’ into more of a surprise ‘huh’. Overall the fic flows well and prompts the reader to continue reading the story. Great work!

Opening Scene: Having read the pre-re-written chapter and this chapter, I have to say this flows significantly better. The opening scene is supposed to capture the reader, which it does much more powerfully in this version. Especially the combination of long and short sentences, and the intertwining of description, action and feelings. This shift between description and thoughts is especially captivating ( for example this line: Stay calm. Breathe. Pain was a signal, not a defeat—it meant he was still alive, still fighting.) It is clear that Bruce is suffering, has been knocked out and is just trying to regain consciousness. This sets a phenomenal tone for the rest of the chapter. Well done!

Admittedly I find that there is some self-contradiction that complicate the clarity of the story and has the risk of losing the reader either because the reader goes back to see if they misunderstood something or because they feel like the text is a self-contradiction. For example a significant part of the opinion scene focuses on the brightness of the room. More precisely, the first part of the introduction is how bright Bruce perceives the scene. The very first sentence is; “Bruce’s eyes snapped open to blinding light,” but it is then contradicted in the third paragraph's first line “When he finally cracked his eyes open slightly, a dimly lit room spread out in front of him.” How can a room be both blinding and dimly lit at once?

Plot/ Pacing/ Scenes/ Gaps The overall chapter keeps the integrity of the first version and my previous summary still stands; Bruce woke up hanging from the ceiling by the ropes, he was beaten, bruised and struggled with consciousness. He remembered being captured, felt his injuries, tried to escape but fainted again. Although in this re-written version there is also a part that has a deeper focus on Bruce's psyche and his feelings of loyalty and connection to those he cares about/ feels guilty towards.

The pacing is much a bit more varied than the previous version and alternates between the descriptions of Bruce’s thoughts and feelings which contrast against the depressing and gloomy higher paced descriptions of the warehouse, the torture and his lack of memory. The flow of the past-and-present is logical and it becomes understandable quite early on that Bruce is suffering from some kind of head injury; be it consequences of a concussion or something else that affects his memory. Thus the pacing is much more interesting and flows smoother than before.

A possible note here is the shifting in scenes between Bruce's thoughts and the talking captors. Their talking seems to come rather suddenly despite their hasty retreat- why is it sudden? Is it so that he didn’t notice the captors talking to each other until that moment, or did he mistake their talking for another sound? (for example the hiss of the steam and as his mind cleared he realized it wasn’t the steam but voices?) or did the captors specifically wait for that moment before they spoke? Why in that case?

Characters & Character interaction: The chapter is much clearer about Bruce and his appearance which also helps with the chapter flow. A small note here could be his feet; in the beginning of the chapter it is mentioned that Bruce stretches his feet but then only later do his feet touch the grid and he feels the heat and at the same time the reader finds out that his feet are bare. Shouldn’t it be something he noticed at the get-go? Especially considering that feet are such a sensitive part of the body? This of course isn’t a huge issue by any means but it's definitely something I noticed and had to go back and re-read.

Genre:(Romance/Angst etc) Not applicable or requested Dialogue: Not applicable or requested

Settings and Landscape: The setting and landscape is significantly more clear as they are part of their own paragraphs. It is a little unclear how large the room is, even if the description points towards a larger warehouse there are also some parts that indicate that it could be quite small? Is it perhaps an isolated part of the warehouse that is the size of a closet? The size of a garage or is it a more open landscape (this is directly connected to the possible logical issue described later with regards to the steam).

Another description and settings related question has to do with Bruce’s bindings. In several places it indicates that his wrists and feet are bound by ropes, yet in one instance chains seem to be involved as well: “Examining the bindings more closely, he saw the knots were expertly tied to the chains” the question that the reader gets is, what chains? How are the chains located and are they interconnected with the ropes or are they separate binding entirely? What is their purpose? An indication of it comes towards the end of the chapter which feels a little too late, perhaps this should be included earlier in his observation of his surrounds?

Visual and Logic Visuals refers to whether the description of an action makes sense, which is something that this story could improve on. There are several instances which are described in a fashion that don’t make sense or in the very least are difficult to visually comprehend.

For example,“Next to it a discarded, bloodied cloth was smeared on the floor, hinting at recent use.” In this instance it appears either that a word is missing, or that the overall sentence should be re-written to improve clarity. The impression the sentence above gives is that it is the rag that is smeared on the floor, which cannot be right as the rag has a firm texture by definition and cannot be smeared. So while the sentence is understandable, it does not logically make sense. An alternative could be something like; Next to it lay a discarded, stained cloth leaking bright red blood at the floor- a hint at its recent use.

Another logical inconsistency is the correlation between the rope strengths and Bruce's strengths. For example: “Each passing second brought him closer to complete exhaustion. To the point where the ropes might hold him, no matter how weak they became” It is logical that the ropes will wear and tear as he hangs on them, especially if they are wet and frey over time. However the condition of the ropes won’t change based on how Bruce feels or doesn’t feel; comparing it to deadweight Bruce still weighs X amount of kgs independently if he is conscious or not. The ropes can hold Y amount of kgs and if the ropes frey and can’t support X amount of kgs then he’ll go tumbling down independently if he is conscious or not.

Another inconsistency in logic is connected to the heat and location-description. More precisely; “Steam hissed and writhed from a hidden vent beneath the blood-stained grid. Its scalding tendrils wrapped around his bare feet, turning the metal into a blistering trap.” If one compares it to cooking a pot of water- it’s logical that the steam is going to rise and not be contained by a grid (unless it’s not a grid but some kind of metal floor instead?). If it is a grid then Bruce would have noticed the rising steam around him when he took in the surroundings or at the very least felt it on just more than his toes; the steam would have hugged him around his legs, arms etc. On the other hand if it’s just a closed floor/metal panel, then it’s difficult to see how it would ‘cook him alive’ so to speak. Taking example from medieval torture devices (eg. hollow brazen bull) it is evident that a rather small space is needed to affect someone strongly enough to notice the heat (the same could be said for house fires in the sense that a closed door could save a room from burning down). So in the context of a warehouse this would likely be a pleasant warmth rather than a boiling heat.

On a side note, the steam generally produces sound, how come Bruce didn’t react to it directly when assessing his surroundings and only noticed it when his foot brushed against the floor?

Writing style/tone/Voice/ The overall chapter is written in the third point of view with some thoughts or sarcastic remarks which help keep the reader engaged. For most parts, those flow nicely and keep the reader focused on the story. These comments add a touch of morbid humour to the mix and I absolutely adored them.

However when the pov changes without any indications, this cuts into the flow of the story. For example “Then he grasped the horrifying truth: he was suspended from the ceiling. Hanging like a piñata. Fantastic. Just need someone to come along and whack me with a stick.” The bold marked ‘whack me’ sentence is a surprise to the reader not expecting a first-pov narrative. It would probably be clearer either to put that part in ‘’ marks or use Italics as a way to highlight that it’s Bruce's thoughts.

The above style of describing thoughts is also inconsistent with the way thoughts are handled later in the chapter, within “” for example: “I may be hanging by a thread,” he thought defiantly, “but I’ll break this thread before I let them break me.” To keep a good level of readability the work could benefit from a consist use; either all thoughts in ‘’, in italics or none marked. Otherwise it is easy to mistake these thoughts for something else (for example speech which would raise its own share of logical issues).

Repetitions Although the repetitions have decreased, there are still a lot of repetitions which could be removed to improve the readability of the text. Primarily it is two types of repetitions present which do not drive the story forward, but rather lose the reader or give the impression ‘haven’t I read that already?’

Firstly is the theme,word or sentence repetition which describes the same thing without adding to it. This is especially present in the beginning of the chapter when describing the torture Bruice feels. This mention of pain and agony is rather redundant, explicitly mentioned within almost every paragraph. By doing a wordsearch through control+f for the word ‘pain’ (which includes ‘painful’) the search returns 20 instances of that word in the chapter. This does not consider the descriptive, show not tell, elements and its synonyms.

Example based on the first four paragraphs: “With every breath, sharp jolts of pain shot through his chest, like lightning striking from the inside.” then “Bruce had clearly done—or failed to do—something significant that had set these events into motion. While the exact details eluded him, the consequences were painfully clear – quite literally.” and “Coarse, tight ropes bit into his skin, keeping his arms painfully stretched above his head.”

The repetition of the word pain makes the sentences longer without adding description to the story. Rather the description comes later which again repeats the painful experience for Bruce (se also example below). Thus bringing us to the second type of repetition which is a theme repetition. This type of repetition describes something without action or events taking place.

For example: there are two paragraphs which focus on and describe the ringing in his ears, one started with “Where the hell was he?” and the rest of the paragraph describes that sensation. Then, the very next paragraph a “A high-pitched ringing roared in his ears.” This later repetition doesn’t contribute much to the feeling or story and raises the question in the reader ‘haven’t I just read that’.

Another example: “Wincing with every breath, a low, a guttural moan escaped his lips as the rough-cut ropes scorched his skin with every tiny shift. Immobilized and barely able to touch the grid-like floor with his feet, the strain on his wrists rising to a crescendo of agony.”

In this particular instance, the first sentence carries very much the same meaning as the second sentence, creating the notion of ‘buttery butter’.

Final example: “The deliberate absence of tools underscored the professionalism of his captors.” then the same paragraph near the end “The meticulous planning revealed their expertise[..] Further down “Examining the bindings more closely, he saw the knots were expertly tied to the chains—a sign of professional skill.” This last part becomes especially redundant as the reader has already understood the captors are professional. Then a sloppy rope-tying job is not peculiar or attention grabbing. If you would like to keep it, an alternative could be to point out that it was as expected, for example “Examining the bindings more closely, he saw the knots were expertly tied to the chains—as expected”

The issue with keeping these repetitions is that they describe the same thing without driving the story forward, while risking losing readers. The first part of the repetitions focus on word repetitions while the second kind are showing without telling the pain. There are stylistic repetitions that help guide the story forward and set the scene, for example this one: “But even Bruce was not above his body’s limits. Exhaustion set in, and his breaths grew shallow as a haze clouded his vision. Shadows deepened, curling from the corners. Darkness started to encroach at the edges of his vision. The beam above blurred, seemingly mocking his faltering resolve. His battered body felt like an anchor, and his grip on the rope slipped with each passing moment.” It sets a nice prerequisite for the ‘sudden sickening lurch’ sentence. However the paragraph in between filled with his fatigue and reminiscent of fail, doom and overcoming this adversity is a bit redundant, takes away from the overall gripping feeling and gives the impression of buttery butter.

Overview & Overall impressions Overall impression is that I like the idea and concept, and the way this re-write flows in comparison to the previous version. There are interesting storytelling techniques and rhetorical tools that really enhance the flow. Although there is still some Shakespearean language present, there is significantly less of it which also helps with comprehension. The inclusion of shorter sentences could be used even more in some parts but overall there's a huge improvement!

Additionally are significantly less redundant repetitions although there are still many present. There are a few more linguistic errors, such as missed words, double words “AA raw [..]” and some adjective inconsistencies which could be solved by re-reading the work aloud a few times.

My overall advice would be not to be afraid to cut away text, especially parts that convey the same main theme or idea. A way to help with this is first to keep one idea per paragraph- which also helps the reader to understand what happens (think of a red thread, the more you bring into the same paragraph, the more the thread becomes tangled) then look at your paragraphs and mark out the ‘key sentence’ in each. If the key sentences match, then the paragraphs have the same key idea and can often be combined/ re-written to convey the key essence of both into one. Thereby making the story more efficient, easily consumable without losing its readers or the fantastic punch of the ending.

Overall however, very well done and I look forward to reading the next chapter!

#Raven Cincaide beta reader #beta reader review #Betar reader review completed #beta reader #Captured #Batman #Jack-the-rapper

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