#RLM's review of Borderlands inspired this

[prometheusunitr-66y]

I wasn't going to do this, but I got to talking with my wife about the Borderlands movie (no plans to see it) and I got so heated that I wrote this:

Movie opens with an exterior shot of the town of Fyrestone, aerial camera. Camera moves down to a bus stop outside the town. A beat-up green bus pulls up to the bus stop.

Cut to the bottom of the bus door as it opens. A pair of boots are visible as someone exits. Camera moves up to the character's hip - he has a hip flask that he pulls out and brings up to his lips (camera follows) - it's Mordecai, sniper rifle slung over his shoulder. He drinks the entirety of the flask's contents. Medium shot as he finishes drinking, and Bloodwing flaps out of the bus and lands on his shoulder opposite the rifle. The bus drives off.

Mordecai turns around and walks into town. Immediately shot between the eyes. He collapses into CGI cubes as he is regenerated at the New-U station outside town.

Cue: death montage. Mordecai dies four or five more times before someone shows up to help - a big bruiser with screws and bolts attached to his gloves. It's Brick! He punches holes into a dude's face and saves Mordecai. Together they kill the rest of the bandits. As the last bandit is killed, the rocket launcher he was aiming shoots high and goes out of town.

Cut to exterior of Fyrestone, the New-U station. The rocket lands on the New-U station, obliterating it. No more extra lives!

Cut back into town. Brick turns to Mordecai.

Brick: "Dude, you a sniper. Why you runnin' into the middle of town like you own the place?"

Mordecai grabs Brick by the shirt and pulls him close to his face. He sneers and spits out his next line.

Mordecai: "I... NEVER... die."

TITLE CARD: BORDERLANDS

I did that in ten minutes, Hollywood execs. You fuckers.