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[funkywerks]

Things I Know About Airplanes Part 1:

First things first !

There are just some things you cannot control. So let go of that perfect travel itinerary. Air travel is made possible by so many factors its impossible that on everyday in every way everything goes perfect !

Is air travel safe ? Absolutely. Is airtravel convenient? HELL YAH. Is airtravel fun, cheap or relaxing? Go fish . So remember unless you want to swim , walk , or drive to your destination This airplane business is overall pretty cool.

I would have titled this post “ tips to make you a better traveler” , but that would mean that I deem myself queen supreme of all sky travel ever.

( and there is nothing that grinds my gears like a couple people calling themselves world travelers after their cruise to Cabo on spring break ). So this is just based on what I know as a flight attendant .

the plane will ( and I cannot stress this enough ) NOT , wait for you.

- SORRY !!!!! If you’re late the plane will not wait for you. If you miss your connection the plane will not wait for you. Let go. Stop stressing. I know this is a hard pill to swallow. You got this. Stop yelling at airport or airline staff because no matter what we do ( NO MATTER WHAT WE DO aka WE CANT DO ANYTHING) if we are delayed aka late or if you are late, Your plane is gone. THE PLANE WILL LEAVE AT THE TIME IT SAID IT WOULD. Much like you committed to being there at that time. I don’t make the rules. The rules pay me to be at work on time & here I am.

Why can’t the plane wait for you?

The world doesn’t revolve around you. How many more delays would you have caused if every time you were late for a connection or a flight , if it waited only for you. Just you. Did you ever think about the other 200 people trying to get to their connections. & maybe you haven’t thought of anyone else. BUT TODAY IS THE DAY YOU START. If you really wanna brain storm you can also think about the flight that needs your aircraft after you THOSE PEOPLE TOO . So just think about others. Bad weather ? Can’t go . Broken airplane ? Good thing we have awesome pilots and mechanics that can detect such dangers. No airplane ? Come on! you’re smarter than this. Stop being upset about it. Nothing you can do. Rebook your flight. Sleep in the airport if you have too or buy a hotel if you REALLY have to. Swallow your pride. You can travel across the country in less than 5 hours in a supersonic tin that sometimes has WiFi and movies ( more about that later ). Life is good.

Tip from a flight attendant, my personal fav , I swear by it:

Book the earliest flight you can. Like 5 am early!!!!! You are less likely to be delayed in the morning. There is less air traffic and the airplanes come from the hangers after being serviced overnight. If anything goes wrong you have time for a back up plan. Not being a “morning person “ is a lame excuse for an adult human these days . ok .

I’m honestly not sure if I’m giving airplane advice or just life advice at this point tbh. Moving on !!!!

2. Headphones and other things you forgot to pack.

Ok so. I’m for sure not about to tell you how to pack the perfect carry on because there is no such thing ( don’t let any YouTuber tell you so ) But I can tell you about the common items that people forget to bring with them on airplanes

( based on multiple true stories )

- headphoneS / MULTIPLE PAIRS / meaning the ones for your phone ( Bluetooth or lighting port AND the old regular ones ) if the airplane gods smile upon you the day of your flight , you might have inflight entertainment WOW free movies in your seat back! that’s insane right . ( especially since you’re paying for transportation and not to be entertained ) but if you forget the regular headphones, you can’t watch them ! I always also download other movies to my phone or tablet as well just Incase.

- A blanket or jacket. It’s true ! Breaking news ! not all airplanes supply blankets. Flight attendants get asked all day long multiple times if we have “ any extra blankets , it’s so cold in here “ so. Wear a jacket & closed toed shoes ?. Flight attendants have minimal control over the temperatures. Why did you wear shorts and sandals? YOU KNOW AIRPLANES GET COLD. Just like movie theaters are cold. You never ask someone at the concession stand to warm up your theater. This isn’t a house it’s an airplane. My airplane outfit is always nice jeans, plain tee, socks , vans and a jacket. Always. I will swear by it, I’m always the right temperature.

- Portable charger bank. This ones lame and I hate it. Not all airplanes have charging outlets. And it sucks I know. I work there. Can you imagine walking into work and there being no outlets. Well I feel your pain on this one. All of the airplanes are random. Some airbus models have screens and WiFi and chargers. And some have none. Luck of the draw. If you cannot find the charger in your immediate area. A flight attendant cannot make one for you. Be smart ! bring a portable charger bank. If the airplane is and old Boeing 767 ( super random plane we use for some Europe routes and select domestic ) it has cigarette lighter chargers ( like in old cars ) in some rows **** . Just bring a portable charger and avoid landing in a foreign country without access to information. Save yourself.

- SNACKS why do so many people overlook the importance of the airplane snack. Unless your flight is over 3 hours food will not even be available for purchase. And over 3 hours the food is expensive and mediocre. Complimentary meals are only served on long haul international or routes Jfk - SFO JFK - LAx and JFK - San ( direct ) . So airplane snacks are important. I usually get 2 choices . Something to munch on while watching my movie and one snack that actually is a meal. For example : I bring sunflower seeds and a Pb and j. Or if I’m feeling extra !!! : a quick bacon egg and cheese from the airport Starbucks, large venti ice coffee and Chex mix. You get the idea. It’s an airplane not a kitchen. It’s like a sky bodega. Don’t be unhappy. bring your own stuff. Especially if you’re vegan, or allergic to everything. PLEASE I BEG YOU! DONT BE THE FITNESS GURU WHO NEEDS MORE GRASS FED PROTEIN AT 38000 FEET. ( actually happened to me ) oh also people say that airplane coffee isn’t safe? Because of the water tanks. The Jury is still out on that: I will be your personal lab rat , I drink multiple cups of airplane coffee in one sitting. Make your assumptions and opinions. I will stay warm and caffeinated.

3. Hacks and tricks . Ok so we’re getting to the good stuff. I’m about to tell you the easiest way to be offered a free drink , snack , or in general special treatment on the airplane. Are you ready !? BE SUPER NICE AND PERSONABLE. Ok not exactly rocket science but seriously the SECOND you mumble under your breath, say something rude, get an attitude, look unsettled, or be annoying in the galley. You might as well kiss your chances of getting any special treatment goodbye. ( one person does something , the entire crew knows about it. rude passengers will not be rewarded . Being rude to airline staff never works . I’ve never seen it work) airline staff will most of the time reward good behavior. Wow are we back in pre-k? Or what. Ok now something more tangible . -BRING THE FLIGHT STAFF SMALL GIFTS. Most airplanes have 4 flight attendants on board. International has 12. If you walk on board and say “ hi I’m ______ seated in 23a ( whatever your seat may be ) I brought these for the flight attendants” almost 10/10 times we love it and tell the whole crew to take care of that person specifically. This is important : *You will probably have a flight attendant ask you “ thank you for the gift. do you need anything ? “* and that is your go to time !!!! That’s your time to shine !!!!!! If you want a free drink or snack !!!! Ask now!!!!!!!!!!! This is a real thing and it really works. Small gifts include : individually rapped candies, hand sanitizer, a pack of pens, any kind of snacks at all , a 4 pack of Red Bull/espresso 4 little bags of mnms,donuts or munchkins from Dunkin’ Donuts. Honestly it doesn’t have to be big or expensive! If you show up to your flight on time AND you’re nice to the flight attendants. Just wow . Doing better than 99% of anyone else on airplanes. Go you . If you are a high maintenance flyer this is your go to move to get on the good side of everyone on the crew. Or buy a first class seat ok ? A smile and some donuts go a long way. DO YOU WANT FREE WIFI ? Me too but unfortunately most of the time the WiFi is expensive and not at all free . BUT after take off if you connect to WiFi and the WiFi connection is sourced by the company “gogoinflight” ( you’ll know cause that’s what it’s called in your settings when you connect to WiFi ) I do have a trick. Gogoinflight is a company that sources WiFi for major airlines, if you have T-Mobile ( or if you know someone with a T-Mobile phone number *****) you can enter your phone number and boom free WiFi for an hour. FREE BEER AND WINE - actually free - on international routes ( not Caribbean) don’t be a jerk ! It’s an airplane not a bar. You’re an adult you know you can’t act drunk on airplanes. It’s actually VERY frowned upon and personal CAN call security on you. If you can’t drink 2 glasses of wine on the ground without dancing on the table , you can’t on the airplane. Oh and TRUST me I’ve seen the light while yaking in the airplane bathroom and THAT MY FRIEND!!!! will not be my final destination!!!