#ONLY one more chapter left. it's been an honour following the firehouse and its journey <3

[lonestardust]

The Firehouse AU spoilers // aka me breaking down over chapter 11

screaming crying and throwing up over :

“I wanted to save people. I never.. forgave myself. For not being able to save you."

.

"TK looks over at him with so much pain in his eyes. “So if you were gonna end up going to jail anyway, why the fuck did I have to be alone for 14 years!?"

.

"He walks over, stepping in front of TK and lowering himself down to his knees on the hardwood. TK sniffs and won’t look at him. Carlos slides his hands down TK’s forearms, tugging his hands out from where they’re trapped so he can hold them. He brings them to his mouth to kiss TK’s knuckles one by one. On his left hand, Carlos places a kiss directly to the tattoo on his fourth finger. “You didn’t ruin me,” Carlos murmurs. “Losing you ruined me. I loved you so much I spent every day for a year trying to get back to you. I didn’t end up here because you fucked me up. I ended up here because for 14 years, I was alone too.”

.

“I met my soulmate when I was eight years old and then I had to live half my life without him. That’s what fucked me up. I had to leave, and my heart was still stuck up on that fire escape on West 77th Street and I didn’t know how to keep being me without it. Without you.”

"but the evidence remains next to Carlos’s hip in a blue felt box that he’d never really carried on without him as much as he’d wished he could. Carlos knows so intimately what that’s like. All these years, TK’s felt like a ghost. Like Carlos was being followed around by the shadow of him, like he’d colored every place Carlos visited and decision he made and chance he didn’t take."

.

"The spark of risk dances on his skin. It’s a part of himself that he’s been missing for so long Carlos isn’t sure he was even aware it was gone..... He didn’t take risks after he lost TK. He didn’t enjoy keeping a secret, he didn’t push back, he lived quietly within the boundaries set for him by other people and never quite noticed what a muted existence it was"

.

“I should’ve done this the very first time with you,” Carlos says. “In your bedroom while your mom was at work. Figuring it out together, holding you if you were nervous. We should’ve been each other’s first everything."

.

"They were made for each other, he thinks. Crafted from the same stone, broken apart when they should always have been one. Everything went up in smoke and nothing happened the way it should have, but right now TK is in his arms. Kissing him, trusting him, asking for Carlos to connect them again."

them being flirty and playful. the stolen kisses behind closed doors, the winks and giggles and butterflies in stomach and smiles and memories and dozing off on the couch. them getting to have those private moments of sheer love amidst the heavy pain of the lost time and the impending doom of what's eventually coming. the contrast between tk wearing grey and yellow. carlos not trying to get info out of tk on his whereabouts and "instead, he kisses TK harder and drags him toward the bedroom" BECAUSE REUNITING WITH HIS FIRST AND THE ONLY LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS. the achingly tender body worship. tk trying to cut down smoking, bc of carlos — because he now has something that makes him care. THEM ON THE FIRE ESCAPE and tk taking carlos' hands into his when he was silent for a minute to comfort him through getting vulnerable and carlos looking at their hands and thinking that they belong and complete each other. Carlos telling him how ruined and broken he was too all along. tk spiraling and breaking down and carlos kissing his knuckles and correcting him and comforting him with the truth. THEM AT TK'S PLACE. Carlos realising that tk's house is not a home because the reason that makes it so has been absent from tk's life when back then he used to have all of his favourite things all over the place. the BLUE MEMORY BOX and carlos seeing gwyn's face and how he once reassured his heartsick teenage heart that there was at least a gwyn back in new york loving her son fiercely when he can't do it himself anymore. and the only other memories in the box being JUST CARLOS and them sitting around reminders from their precious bitter-sweet history and carlos holding tk in his lap and carlos clasping his chain around tk's neck and wanting to tell him that he can keep all of him but he can't make a breakable promise. THE ARISTOCRATS and them talking about their first times and how it was all marked by each other’s absence. just like everything else......... I AM not FINE. i'm ruined!!!! beyond repair!!!! so so RUINED I'll never recover from this EVER

CAN THEY EVADE THE POLICE??!! RUN AWAY from the feds and from austin and EVERYTHING escape ALL THE MESS and go to paris... start what they should have had long long time ago. CAN CARLOS "SOMEDAY" PROMISE COME TRUE

I need to go lie down for 10 business days sob and wail into the void uncontrollably

@paperstorm HOW ARE YOU SO TALENTED HOW COULD YOU howwwww is this soooooo heartrendingly beautiful and complex and so smartly crafted and built and narrated!!!!!!!! to be able to create such a full-fledged extremely sensitive and complex human world with unforgettable excellent characterization is just so.. it's a godlike work!!! i'm really truly too spellbound to speak. thank you. thank you. thank you, Andie xx