#Now that I've actually forced myself to start it. I don't quite feel as discouraged(?) abt it

[have-kake]

Man I am so sick of rewriting the same chapter (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

I've restarted this chapter three times now. The first two were similar enough that it didn't need to be fully scrapped. But this third take which is honestly working so much better means I've scrapped almost 3k words. It's such an overhaul I needed to make a new file instead of shuffling paragraphs around while I work

I shoulda known this was gonna be a pattern when I literally had to make a "Take 2" on the previous chapter when I switched tracks 2/3 of the way through

Now that I think abt it, I literally scrapped the og chap 4.... so this is literally an already established trend.. this is the third chap I've scrapped a major portion of or scrapped outright

Though I will say, as much as it sucks, I'm enjoying the challenge. No matter how much I pretend I'm not a pantser, I am most definitely a pantser. So to deliberately hold myself back and stick w/ a set plan and tone is a helluva challenge. A sorely needed challenge might I add.

[uraosol]

I have been feeling odd these past days. It is most likely because of the past week, work was a challenge. It discouraged me a bit to be quite honest but I think it was necessary for me to come to realization of certain things about me.

I have been feeling uninspired. I haven't been feeling that need to create or consume art in the way that I used to that brough me joy.

Music was such a lovely and wonderful thing I would include in every second and every day of my life one way or another; these days though, it doesn't bring me that joy, that warmth it usually did before and it makes me terribly sad realizing this.

I've realized that it's actually because I've become disillusioned.

My creativity, my passion, that fire that burns within me, that energy that drives me...it comes from love. Not to say I don't love my loved ones, of course, I do but I've felt myself grow a bit bitter, a bit hollow, a bit cold. This I know will pass because love always finds a way to inspire me once more. Love is my driving force, it is the energy that makes me see the world and all the living creatures' beauties and it saddens me that I don't feel that love and haven't been feeling it all this week or maybe more.

I now know what it means when they say that losing that creative passion is an artist's first death. This is an artistic death I'm going through.

So it's ok that I feel the way I feel right now, I just need to give myself a break and be kind and loving towards myself. I will start anew and find things that bring me happiness, do what feels natural. Take a more simplistic approach.

I know my heart will light up once more soon, so it's ok to take it slow.