#No squishy support anymore! Here comes the AI!

[mimymomo]

I’m surprised how fast I wrote this story...but here it is!!

Miko is about 6 here. 

...

“Aaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Miko winced from his seat on the cot turned feeble couch, curling into his ratty hoodie. Biting the edge of the head hole, he chewed and chewed, a wet stain of saliva left in its wake. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the fabric. A hint of smoky firewood, the cleanliness of fragrant soap, and something sweet and familiar yet undefinable. It smelt nice. It smelt of home.

“Aaaaaaaccccchhhhhhh! Awwwwwwww! Orpheus!”

It was a welcomed distraction while it lasted. Blood pumped violently in his head, hefty lump lodged in his throat. Miko pulled the hoodie over his head, fully dipping inside the warm dark pit of cloth. His own safe space, away from the screams and unknown. Under here, it was dark, the only unknown was what he couldn’t see. He lowered his head and held out hands out close to the front of his face, the enclosed space meant a restriction of how more room he had. He could see his fingers - their outline and shape, a vague color to them. It wasn’t perfect but that’s all he needed. All that was known what right in front of him. He had control here.

“Miko.”

The boy popped his head out of his hoodie, squinting his eyes at the change of light. “Yes, uncle Hermes?”

Noticing the distraught expression plaguing his face, the elder god gave the child a sympathetic smile, “come on, let’s get some fresh air.”

Miko ghastly shook his head, “no, thank you.” His whispers slurring and making his ‘thank’ come out like ‘tank.’

“You worried about your momma in there?” Miko lowered his head once more, pulling his legs up and under his hoodie. The fabric bugling out, knees like tiny mountains under a blue blanket of snow. “Well, there’s no need to stay inside here and make yourself sick with worry. Your pops will come out and get us when it’s over.”

Miko glanced over to the hall that led back to his parents' bedroom. Loud, frantic wails and curse bled through the walls. The faint sound of meager encouragements and stern instructions were overpowered by screams of sheer agony and pain. He turned back to the god he now called his uncle, “you sure?”

“Ai, my child. Come now,” holding out a palm for the boy to grab.

Miko stretched out his legs and jumped from his seat on the cushion, rushing over to take the god’s hand just as another loud screech bellowed from behind the room’s closed door. He couldn’t take another second of this.

Hermes guided the boy out the front door and right to a lonely chair left where a front porch should be. He dusted the strat leaves and dirt from the seat and sat down, bringing the child upright afterward, stationing him in his lap.

The fall air was crisp and cool, but not too frigid despite it being early November. It smelled of passing rain. The trees were close fully bare, only a few stubborn leaves remained clinging hopelessly to their branches. The rest, an entrancing array of golden oranges, yellows, and reds, lingered scattered among the forest floor, stomped on, muddy and torn from traveling feet. Seemingly fat blackbirds flew above their heads, What color were their feathers actually? Miko imagined what they could be, picturing a single outlier swooping down and landing, taking refuge close by. They perched in the trees above just a few feet away, their wings regally out on display. Were they a dazzling dark blue? A shimmering gray? Or maybe just black?

“You ready for a sibling?”

The question caught the child off guard, startling him, his back growing stiff. “Huh?”

“I asked if you were ready to have a younger sibling?”

Miko turned back to the trees, the bird he once imagined now gone from his sight. The breeze picked up, silencing the chirps, rattling the trees and scattering the leaves further away. The boy shrugged silently. Hermes took it as his answer and pressed on, “what’s got, you worried boy?”

“What if I’m no good big brother?” Miko questioned quietly, letting the slurry of worries that had been circling in his mind finally spill from this once, tightly sealed lips. “What if she hates me? Or if Mama and Papa like her so much they don’t want me anymore…?”

“She?” Hermes asked, lightly. He knew there were more pressing matters to address, but he thought he might as well start by pointing out the easy things first.

Miko nodded, his dark curls bouncing in the wind, “yep. She’s definitely gonna be a girl. I can tell.”

“You can, huh?” Hermes raised his eyebrow, an astonished smile tickling at his lips.

“Uhh-huhh,” Miko assured. He balled his fist, rubbing and wringing his fingers with hotty vigor. His body rigid and shaky, but it was obvious that it from everything but the chill. Now, to take the bite.

“You really think your folks in there won’t want you after they have that kid?”

Miko sat there, no words, not even the slightest murmur or peep escaped his mouth. His eyes danced in their sockets, thoughts frantically swimming in the sea of self-doubt. The boy didn’t know what to believe - sure, the god had never lied to before, yet…

“Miko, look at me.” The boy shifted his chest, facing god seeking out his attention. “Now, I don’t know all the rest of those crazy ideas running around and playing tricks up in your mind, but I can tell you this. Your momma in there,” Hermes pointed back towards the wooden framed front window. “She promised the day they introduced you to me, that they would look after you through the joyous times and the painful ones.

“Now, I don’t think the birth of a baby should be a painful memory. Well, maybe for your momma it will be.” Miko winced, sucking in a sour breath at the thought of the torturous screaming happening inside the home. “But, I don’t think losing you will be apart of any pain of this memory.”

“You think so?” the child’s teal eyes sparkling in the light of the sun’s faint rays.

“I know so,” Hermes grinned.

Suddenly, Orpheus burst through the front door, cheeks flushed and the rim of his eyes red and teary. “It’s a girl,” he cried, tears dripping down his cheeks. “Eurydice, she...we have a baby girl.”

Miko beamed, turning to grin cheekily at his seat buddy. “See, I told you she it would be a girl uncle Hermes!”

“So you did, child,” Hermes congratulated the boy with a soft pat on the head, ruffling the wild curls under his fingertips. “Now, you ready to on in there and meet that younger sister of yours” Miko nodded, this time much more sure of the process, fear no longer gripping him tight by the shoulders. “Aight then, go on ahead.”

Miko hopped down off Hermes' lap and raced over to grab Orpheus' hand. It was clammy- sweaty and hot, but welcoming all the same. Hermes stood back glancing up to the sky, a thankful prayer running through his head.

“You coming, uncle Hermes?”

Hermes spun on his heels and slowly sauntered over. He placed his hand on top of Orpheus’ shoulder, “I’m proud of you boy.”

Orpheus teared up once more, “thank you, Mister Hermes.”

…

She was so tiny.

That was Miko’s first thought as his father lead him and Hermes into the bedroom, his eyes passing over the soaking sheets covered in bloody, afterbirth stains and the other body of the midwife in the room, to focus on his mother. Eurydice was sat upwards in the bed, propped up by pillows. Sweat dripped from her forehead, her eyes glassy and struggling to stay open. She looked utterly exhausted, yet, at the same time...utterly overjoyed. In her arms was what looked like a small wad of knitted blankets, when in reality it was something much more precious. In the center of the swathed blanket, was a baby girl.

“Miko,” she whispered, her voice hoarse and haggard. “You wanna come see your little sister?”

With feather-light, hesitant steps, Miko walked across the creaky bedroom floors, careful to avoid any thrown sheets or objects that lay strewn all over the room. Carefully, he hopped up onto the bed next to his mom, craning his neck to peer down at the bundle in her arms.

She was so...little. And squishy. Her skin bright, fleshy pink. Eyes shut tight, tiny long lashes fluttering with each breath. Tufts of jet black hair jutted out of her head, it looked unbelievably soft. He wanted to touch it.

“You wanna hold her?” Eurydice asked.

The boy's eyes went bug wide, “can I?”

Eurydice smiled, “here, hold out your arms.” She guided the baby into the boy's arms, instructing him on how to correctly support her neck and head, positioning them so they could both be comfortable. She’s so light… Miko thought to himself, watching as the newborn’s chest rose and fell, her nose twitching and fingers poking out and about every so often.

“She looks like a lil, pink goblin,” Eurydice snorted.

“No, Mama,” Miko shook his head, taking great precaution not to disturb the infant in his midst. “She’s cute! Too cute to be a goblin.”

“But she does look a little weird, you have to admit,” Eurydice said with a gentle smile.

“All newborns do,” the midwife chuckled from by the door next to Hermes, “give her a few days and she’ll start to look a bit more normal.”

“But she’s already cute,” Miko pouted. “Like a flower.”

“A flower that’s not fully bloomed,” Orpheus injected, his never-ending tears once again returning.

“Yeah, that’s it!” Miko cheered, focusing his attention back down to his new sister. “Hi, baby. I’m Miko. I’m your big brother.”

“She’s wonderful, good work Songbird,” Hermes said lovingly to the young mother. “Any of you thought of a name yet?”

The couple shook their heads but Miko quickly intervened, “oh, I have!”

“Aight, let’s her then,” Hermes crossed his arms, egging the boy on.

“Hyacinth,” he said proudly.

“Hyacinth?” Eurydice asked, “why Hyacinth.”

“Auntie Seph helped me pick it out,” Miko said. “It means sin-shear-rity!”

“You mean sincerity Miko-mi?” Eurydice chuckled.

“Right!” he smiled. “Plus, Papa said she looks like a flower, so it works!”

“Hyacinth…” Orpheus repeated slowly, letting the unfamiliar name dance on his tongue. “I love it.”

“Then baby Hyacinth it is,” Eurydice agreed. The family smiled at one either. The love in the air thick but not suffocating.

A tiny, pink hand, poked itself out from the confines of the blanket and wrapped each little finger around one of Miko’s dark brown ones. A firm squeeze. Miko glanced back down at baby Hyacinth. The baby girl slowly peeled open her eyes, a beautiful rich hazel gazed up at Miko’s shimmering teal. “I promise Hyacinth, I’ll protect you. I’ll be the best big brother ever. I’ll make you cookies, and cin-na-mon rolls and walk you ‘round the bar. I’ll take care of you. I’ll love you know matter what.” He placed a kiss on top of her head, “promise.”

[vagrantblvrd]

Revenants (1/1)

Summary: Ryan’s losing his goddamned mind.

Notes:  Because reasons.

AO3

Ryan’s losing his goddamned mind.

There’s a firefight going on the other side of the wall and he’s arguing with a goddamned ghost in the machine, hysterical laughter caught in his throat, because he can hear it through his implants. Standard company issue if he hoped to work on sensitive projects, work his way up the ranks and earn himself a coveted position.

He’d done his best to disable them when he – ha - resigned. Stopgaps and half-measures as he didn’t have access to the proper tools anymore, no way to get his hands on them without compromising himself, the others, and now -

Now it’s like a backdoor into his own head, cool presence rooting around in his head curiously. Cold, alien, wrong, and no idea just how much so.

I’m not saying you’re lying, but are you sure about that?

“You’re dead,” Ryan says, cold, clinical.

It has to be, because there’s no way -

I don’t feel dead.</i>

Well, it wouldn’t, is the thing.

“Yeah,” Ryan says, drawing the word out. “That’s kind of the thing about this.”

The kind of people behind things like this like to put a nice spin on things. Claim they’re innovators for the world of tomorrow, taking mankind places it’s never been before through the marvels of science. Blind everyone to the darker side of things, the ugly parts everyone likes to gloss over, pretend don’t exist.

They find people who are down on their luck, or outcasts and misfits in some other way. The ones society won’t really take note of when they go missing, and there are always so many of them it would be a crime not to take advantage of an opportunity like that, now wouldn’t it?

They take their squishy human brains and turn it into a fancy computer program. Do a little tweaking here and there – cut out all the things they don’t want muddying the waters and toss it all out.

Memories, personalities, all of the unnecessary things that help make up a human mind because no one wants that kind of mess in their perfect little AIs.

Just slice it all out nice and neat, and they end up with a blank slate they can mold however they like. Throw in some basic protocols and whatever else to make sure nothing bad comes back on them and call it an AI.

Dumb it down and sell it to the public as virtual assistant and they eat it all up because it makes their lives so much more convenient, doesn’t it.

True, there are corporations who go the legitimate route of hard work and determination. Spend years and billions of dollars creating an actual AI that’s based off of someone’s neural network scans as opposed to being flash cloned off a corpse, but they’re rare.

Aren’t lauded for advancements in artificial intelligence, inundated by sponsors and supporters and viewed as the darling of the AI sciences.

Eugh, gross.

It’s found the files, then.

Files detailing the shady dealings and other things involved in projects like this one, and it makes Ryan’s skin crawl because those files are only the beginning. There’s far worse buried in the database, locked behind the most advanced encryption available and not enough time to crack them now.

“Look - “

The door opens and Michael pokes his head in, disheveled looking and eyes a little wild, which.

Understandable, giving the sound of weapons-fire he can hear down the corridor. The burn high on his cheek from a graze, skin red and blistered.

“You got the files yet?”

Ryan glances at the screen and the rotating logo of the company he put so much of his life into in once upon a time, before he’d discovered what they were up to behind the scenes.

“There’s a complication.”

Michael’s eyes narrow as he shoulders his way inside.

“What kind of complication?”

Ryan waves hand to the lab around them.

“Hello,” the AI says, voice coming through the hidden speakers, and it’s odd to hear that soft British accent outside of his head. “Nice to meet you?”

Michael frowns, eyes darting to the computer in front of Ryan before flicking up to meet Ryan’s.

“The fuck is going on?”

Ryan rubs a hand over his face and laughs, because where the hell does he even begin? The others don’t know about this. Don’t know what Chimera’s doing in their little labs locked away from prying eyes, the kind of company secrets that get people killed.

All they know is that Ryan promised them he’d find a way to expose them for other crimes that were well-known to the public.

A greedy, soulless corporation that didn’t care what – who – it broke so long as it was profitable.

Colony worlds left stripped of resources, countless people abandoned. Entire communities decimated by disease because it wasn’t cost-effective to manufacture vaccines when the mortality rate was so high anyway. The list of atrocities goes on and on, culminating in this one, and Ryan had been blind to all of it for so long.

He’d come here hoping to get his hands on Chimera’s files, not. Not this, one of their AI left behind, hiding in their own systems until it had sensed Ryan poking around. Seen what he was doing and slipped past all the precautions and cobbled together countermeasures he’d reforged for his implants like they weren’t even there.

“It’s a long story,” he says, and starts gathering his equipment. Disconnects cables and stows it all away in his pack “And we don’t have time to go over it right now.”

Not with Jeremy and the others holding Chimera’s security at bay. A handful of people against an entire division of trained mercenaries masquerading as private security.

Ryan turns to Michael, takes a deep breath and asks the question he’s been dreading asking one of them before now. Sure of what their answer will be, because they’re smart. Smarter than he ever was when he signed his soul away.

“Do you trust me?”

Michael’s eyes narrow.

“The fuck kind of question is that?” he demands, lip curling. “What is going on here, Ryan?”

Ryan turns the monitor towards Michael displaying the login screen for Chimera’s pet project.

He can feel the AI in his head, shining, glittering. (Coiled and waiting.)

Desperate to escape its prison here where it’s been hiding for God only knows how long. Disguising itself with shattered bits of code, playing dumb. Passing itself off as something else for so long it had been stunned when it realized Ryan saw it for what it was.

Struck before he’d known it, coiled around his implants and making changes he couldn’t quite understand. Entangling the two of them in order to make its escape, hitch a ride in his head, and God help them all if it was corrupted. Spiraling into insanity at an exponential rate and undetectable until it was too late.

“Chimera's AI development program," Ryan says, bile rising. “Project Phantom.”

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love 2: Chapter 6

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089466/chapters/54170929

Part 2- Chapter 6: The Lobsters

Walking up the steps out of the hold under engineering, Shepard was half convinced she needed to wash out her fucking ears. She'd spent the past 24 hours with Jack, helping her set up her room in the lowest deck of the ship. While she thought it was a little claustrophobic, the mildly crazy biotic insisted it was cozy. With a more colorful vocabulary, of course.

After spending some time with her, Anya just found it best to accept her statements at face value. At the very least, she had a richer breadth of swear words and new ways to insult people. Maybe she could get Jack to spend some time with EDI so that the AI didn't just learn all her humor from Joker.

Overall, though, she was a little overwhelmed. Everything with Jack was anger, sharp objects, and a paint bucket of angst. It was exhausting. Anya would normally complain about her to her face, but she was pretty sure she just learned what kind of person she'd be if she went mob instead of military, and she wasn't sure she liked that.

And she had to admit, the woman was damn powerful. So, she just tried to be as understanding and civil as possible. From what the dossier said, and the few snippets in conversation, she went through hell. Made sense she'd be pissed as hell, too. For now, she'd just give Jack some space to adjust.

Granted, she might've been open to a little more "space" after bedroom setup because a few hours before Chakwas had pinged her that a certain turian was awake and setting himself up in the main battery. Despite the fact she needed a damn nap, she was headed there the second she could sneak off away from Jack.

She also had already pinged EDI on a private channel to please not interrupt them unless it was an emergency, and not to tell anyone where she was. The AI was lovely and compliant. Anya had to admit, over the last few days, she was growing on her.

Couldn't tell Joker that, though, he'd call her a traitor.

Walking up to Garrus' new door, she took a deep breath and knocked. He didn't even ask, or say anything. The metal just slid open and Garrus was there, smiling at her. "Heard you might be coming down to see me."

Anya bubbled with awkward laughter as she walked into the battery and the door closed behind her. "W-who told you that?"

"EDI. She said you wanted to see me and wanted to get permission to shut off comms to my room." He chuckled and Anya wished it was more annoying than it was endearing. "Guess you really want to talk, huh?"

With a glare tossed to the ceiling comms, Anya said, "Okay, I'm with Joker. The AI's a traitor."

"What?"

"Nevermind. I'm just happy you're up and walking around." Anya leaned her elbows against the railing by his station. "Like the new space?"

Garrus followed suit and stood right next to her, but he faced the tech instead of the door. All that really mattered was that his blue eyes were looking at her. "Do I like having a room to myself where I can calibrate guns and not hear Wrex and Williams bicker? Of course." His laughter faded and Shepard knew what he was thinking, talking about the two of them. Garrus beat her to the punch, though, saying, "Granted, I don't think I'd mind hearing them bicker again if I could."

"Me neither."

"How'd the mission go?"

"Perfectly fine, Jack almost tore the ship in half with us in it and the warden was secretly selling his prisoners for spare parts. Oh, and I had to do some Commander bonding to make both Jack and Miranda less domineering assholes. But, y'know, typical."

"For you? Definitely."

Anya felt her cheeks blush at her next thought, but she couldn't help herself. Not when it was true. She did avoid looking at him, though, instead staring at her fingernails like there was anything interesting about their short, pink nubs. "It was distinctly lacking a sniper who likes to back-talk, though. I think it threw me off my A-game."

"I'm pretty sure we can have you covered for the next mission." Garrus paused, and Anya was tired of the weird distance she was putting between them by facing the door. She turned and copied his posture.

But when he got to talking again, his shoulder slumped and his eyes wouldn't meet hers. "Sorry I had to go comatose for a couple days. Doctor's orders, because apparently I didn't follow them well enough while conscious."

"Not a bad call. You're pretty damn stubborn." Lightly, almost like he might break, she bumped his shoulder with hers. Anya didn't know it would feel so nice, doing the casual friendship stuff with him again. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "How are you holding up, after Omega?"

"I don't know." Garrus laughed, but she recognized it as the hollow, empty kind he used when shit really wasn't that funny. Before she could ask more, he sarcastically countered, "How do you like coming back from the dead and waking up a Cerberus play toy?"

"Not funny."

"I'm mostly kidding." He bumped her shoulder back, the way they used to on the old Normandy, like they were tossing little touches of support at each other with each brush. "I just want to know how you're coping. We can go back to my fun new trauma if you really want, but I need to know you're doing okay. I won't shut up about it until you tell me."

"I don't want to let your whole deal slide, but I will for now since you sound annoyingly sincere. Honestly? Being reborn in a Cerberus lab isn't the worst. They give me a lot of liberties and I get to call the shots. It's like Spectres but with a much shinier, much shadier bank account." Anya leaned harder into her elbows, bit her cheek, and looked at him. He looked so genuine and kind that she could vomit. Made her want to talk more than she was used to with the others. There he was, back at it again, making her talk about everything. "Funny thing about Cerberus, no matter how much of an asshole the Illusive Man is and how their ideals suck, it's the treatment that's the worst. I'm more like a godly legend here than I ever was in The Alliance. There, at least I was still one of the soldiers. Here, I'm a multi-million dollar resurrection project to save the universe." Anya sighed and got a little anxious at Garrus just staring at her. "Not that I wish I was still dead, but does mean I have had to accept the fact that I'm not really human anymore, not to the galaxy."

He was silent before poking her in the arm. She remembered the last time he did that; on her couch after Ash's funeral, when she didn't know if he was reaching for more. Luckily, this time, she didn't have any stupid expectations. It was just nice to be poked again. "Still seems like the same squishy human to me."

Anya laughed; laughed like she hadn't in ages. Everything about being here with him, it felt like her skin was ripping away, exposing every inch of muscle, every motion unbearably raw and painful. But she wouldn't dare thinking about being anywhere else, because she'd rather be raw with him than safe outside those. Doors. Looking up at his eyes, she said, "I missed you, Garrus."

"You think you missed me? You've missed me a couple weeks. I've missed you a couple years." Garrus chuckled and leaned in deeper to the railing, like his shoulders were getting too heavy. But his eyes didn't look like he was laughing. "You gave me a lot to agonize over. I should've known "I'll find you" was just heroic bullshit." But then, softer, more bitter, he laughed again. "But I guess you did find me, in that Omega deathtrap."

"How'd you end up there, anyway?"

"You really are going to make me do the tragic backstory thing, aren't you?" When he looked at her, he shook his head. Guess she wasn't the only one who felt like their friendship made them talk, even when they didn't really want to. "I wasn't in the best headspace after you died. Pent-up. Angry. I still am. My sister, Sol, helped me find a place to vent my frustrations and stop hearing your name." Garrus winced and flashed apologetic blue eyes at her. They were nicer than he probably realized, but Shepard felt that one in her gut. It was like a needle suddenly appeared and was threatening to pierce through. "No offense."

She looked away from him, because she knew he had every right to be upset with her. Hell, she was just happy he didn't hate her. But that didn't erase the years of pain that were all her fault and she couldn't forget that. Anya said, "I was the asshole who got myself killed, can't blame you."

But then his shoulder bumped hers, a little harder. "Not that. After all those talks with you about how being a hero hurt, I couldn't stand them turning you into a martyr. I knew Spectres would've been hell about that. I needed to find a place where you weren't a hero. Omega fit the bill."

Anya didn't know what to say. What could she say to someone who hated the galaxy she left behind because she leaned on him? Instead, she asked, "And then what?"

"What else? I ended up doing justice my way. And then I got too high on being team leader to realize it's weaknesses. We were betrayed by one of our own. I got lured away, and by the time I came back, everyone but two of my guys were dead. And those two only lasted a little over a day. I was alone, at the end. Just like when I lost you."

Again, Anya felt lost. Normally, her answer was to fix everything, but she put her own ass out of commission. Now all Garrus had were tragic memories that she couldn't change. The best she had were lame-ass condolences. "I can't bring back your team, but you have me." Even though she was starting to feel overwhelmed, Anya placed her hand on his and looked up at his face, something she cared about so much, and tried to make it clear that the universe hadn't forgotten him; she hadn't forgotten him. She wouldn't let it. "The dossier was a fluke, but I always planned on finding you. When The Illusive Man said you were missing, I couldn't think-."

Old Garrus would've pulled her into his arms and held her, but he just pulled away from her, stared down at his hands, and she could've sworn he looked guilty, maybe even angry. "I had to go underground. You were my best friend and you were dead. I had to do something."

Even though she didn't mean to, Anya felt her skin bristle. "So you turned into a merc-killer?"

He wouldn't even look at her now, just lost in the lines on his own talons. "Better a dumb hero than a useless one, buried under tape."

"You really would've been useless if you died." She wanted to reach for his hand again, but he already pulled away once. She just gave him a lame, weak bump against his shoulder again. With all the feelings washing over her, how could she have much else? Anya just tried her best to keep her composure, thinking about Omega. "You almost did, Garrus."

"On that balcony, I did die. That team got me through losing you. Without them, I was ready to take down as many goddamn mercs as possible before I went out. And then you showed up to save my ass, like you never died in the first place."

In that battery, there was definitely some tension and anger and guilt neither of them really knew how to process yet. And while they could talk in circles over things they weren't ready to face, Anya couldn't sit here, next to the turian she cared most about in the galaxy, and just make him think about the misery of it all. God knows how much she'd already done that while she was gone.

Instead, she just wanted to make him feel better.

"I'm sorry. Everything's fucked up." Anya shook her head and said what she should have said years ago, instead of always falling in his arms like he was made to hold her. It wasn't fair, not when he didn't... Well, she always pushed his boundaries and that wasn't fair, either, not when she knew she'd probably die. "I'm sorry if anything I did back then pushed you away. Or hurt you. I can't fix the fact that I died, but I should've been better, maybe left you with something more inspiring than-"

"Shepard, shut up."

"Don't. Let me try to start making up for what I did to you. I leaned on you. I made you participate in things that meant different things for each of us. I left you. I said I'd find you, but I didn't and I can't go back. Now is all I have."

When their eyes met, Garrus wasn't bitter or guilty anymore, but he still looked angry. And when he stood straight up, so much taller than her, she even felt somewhat intimidated. He looked down at her with such seriousness that it did make her shut up. "You don't need to apologize for being the hero you are." Suddenly, he was placing a hand on her arm, looking all over her shoulders, her skin, her legs, like he still couldn't believe she was there. "You're right, they're gone, and you're back and that's what we're dealing with. But if I could go back, I'd tell the most amazing woman in the galaxy that I was a scared idiot who kept pushing her away." Anya's brain was too fried to understand what he was saying, but he grabbed her hand and kept on going. "I couldn't believe what I felt. Not when you were... you and I was a lost ex-C-Sec officer clinging to you. I don't know if I feel sure or comfortable about any of it, but of course I care about you."

Scanning his face for any certainty, all Anya found was this desperate gaze that she'd never seen on him before. She just started blubbering, thinking of that morning after Noveria. Maybe he was talking about their friendship, and he thought her final words were about something platonic. She couldn't blame him, she never said anything overtly romantic, but she couldn't lie about it either. "I know that, but I meant-"

"Dammit Shepard. I know what you meant. I didn't know how to deal with it. But you died. I'm not going to push you away anymore so you can play perfect Commander. I thought you deserved Alenko or Liara back then. Closer to home, y'know? I was being an insecure asshole." If he knew what she meant... But Garrus just kept on talking before she could process, like if he stopped talking he'd lose the nerve. His hand squeezed hers. "But look at you. I never thought I'd see you again, let alone touch you or talk to you. For all the fucked up things that have happened to me, I don't know how I got so lucky."

"...Garrus..."

He took a step closer to her and Anya couldn't think over the sound of her heart beating. "I'm not smooth or romantic, and I'm not going to pretend I have a thing for humans. Just- Noveria meant something, okay? You chose me over Kaidan. You wanted me to stay the night. I'm not that fucking clueless. And I wanted it. But you were my CO and I thought we could never be anything but some drunk fantasy you got stuck on because you were lonely and hurt. I didn't want to encourage it." Another step, and he looked from their hands intertwined to her face with this screwed up look, like he was somewhere between vomiting and panicking. She understood the feeling. What also was there, though, was this softness that made her speechless. "But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep away from you."

"So you did know what I meant. But you said..."

"I know what I said and I was a damn liar."

With her heart drilling a jackhammer through her brain, she couldn't quite keep anything straight. Anya asked, "Are you sure?"

"You're impossible." Laughing, Garrus took a deep breath and kept going. She was thankful, because she would be stuttering and stumbling so hard by now that this conversation could've been classified as a verbal break. "Let's put it this way. All of us were devoted to you. But look at me. Everyone else moved on; I didn't. If I couldn't have you, the best I could do was be you."

"You did a pretty damn good job."

"No, I didn't. Yet even now you won't shut up about believing in me. Dammit Shepard, the fact that you believed my bullshit is absurd. I'm pretty sure everyone else knew how I felt. The least I can do is tell you now: I want to be with you." His handsome face and eyes fell, but his voice kept going and that was good. Because she could swear that voice was something she wished she could hear forever. "But we gotta be real here, I'm not the same person you said all those things to anymore. Omega and my team changed me. Losing you changed me. I don't know what that means for... us. If there even is an 'us". I'm half convinced none of the things I've just said make any sense."

Garrus might've been holding her hand, but he looked so unsure. She wished she could give him a good old Commander Shepard pep talk, but that wasn't what this was. This was something a lot more beautiful, and so very human.

So, all she had was an awkward human to give him. With a crackling cough, she said, "Call me Anya."

His eyes flicked up and met hers, confused. "What?"

"Off-duty, it's Anya. We can start there." She smiled and added, "I don't really know what to do about this either. I missed two whole years and I never knew you could- I know there's a lot I have to catch up on. But what I said before..." Anya was going to throw herself into a laser if she couldn't finish a sentence. She closed her eyes, took a breath, and then looked up at the handsome turian who made her feel like no one else. And she was fucknig terrified, but she said, "All it took is one look on Omega and you made me feel myself again. That matters. That's why you matter so much." When she laughed, it was so awkward that she wondered if someone could off her right now. Why in the hell did Garrus have any interest in her? That was far harder to wrap her head around than reciprocation.

Pulling her hand away, she ran her fingers through her hair and said, "And maybe next time we pass a bar, you can buy me a drink."

"I- I can do that."

"Good."

They stood next to each other for a minute, not really knowing what to say or do. Her entire body was an embarrassing, life-size blush and Garrus kept scratching his neck and wrists like he'd itch away how tragically embarrassed they both were.

Anya was a little upset she'd never bothered with relationships before. It would make her a lot less of an idiot at this moment, which was otherwise very important to her. Hell, maybe this is why Joker and Oksana used to tell her to go on dates and try out romance more, instead of focusing on work and dance. She hadn't felt so inept in years. Thank god they were alone, because he was the only one she could stand being so-

But then his voice cut through her thoughts. "One last confession?" Anya's head swiveled to look straight at him. His smile looked a lot more hopeful than she'd ever seen before, but it also kept wavering like he might pop a gasket. How sincere he looked made up for it and melted her heart all the way through the damn floor. "I respect Commander Shepard like hell. But those last few weeks on the Normandy? I was starting to like Anya a lot better."

Tragically, Anya felt her eyes tear up. Even without the confession shit, hearing someone she cared about say that? Damn, did that mean a lot to her. Garrus put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it, which did not help the weird whirlpool of overwhelmed feelings. She knuckled away any stray tears as quickly as she could. "Now that I'm not being a lying asshole, I gotta admit you're pretty adorable when you try not to cry."

Anya punched his shoulder. "Vakarian, I swear I will kill you-"

"Also cute when you try to threaten my life."

"Both you and Wrex need to work on what you find endearing." She crossed her arms and tried to take slower breaths and prayed her face cooled off. She needed to stop being such an embarrassment. Garrus also needed to work on what he found endearing since he liked her like this, messy and red and almost crying.

Next to her, he cocked his head sideways. "What do you mean?"

"Before... When we dropped him off, he was proud of people wanting to kill him? And I told him he shouldn't find that charming?" Anya realized that even though the memory was fresh for her, only a few weeks ago, Garrus hadn't seen Wrex in two years. She grimaced and facepalmed. "This whole time jump thing is going to be weird for a while, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it will be. But I'll be here for you like always."

Anya had to deflect; at this point she needed to, or her best friend was about to turn her entire body into a giant tomato with no chance of turning back to its normal color. With a very uneven laugh that cycled through several pitches, she said, "Just realized, you don't even know if I still feel the same way about you. You just assumed. Bold of a so-called insecure asshole."

"How could anyone not love this face?" He paused, and poked her cheek. "And no offense, but look at your face." Before she could get mad, he continued, "In all seriousness, I didn't know until you looked at me in med-bay."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, it was when your Commander face was finally down. Even though you only looked for a few days and I looked for a few years, I knew that smile. And I can't tell you how much I wanted to hold you again, seeing you look as relieved as I felt."

Anya wanted to curl up in the corner because her entire body was warm and awkward. She had to be upgrading from tomato to cooked lobster. "You say you're not good at romantic..."

"Give me a minute. I'll say something wonderfully unsexy."

No matter how much she totally loved being embarrassed and impressed and feel her heart beat out of her chest, she did say what she came down here to say. And, she had other things to do. Looking up at his bright blue eyes, she sighed in disappointment. She really couldn't stay down here and look at them all day, could she? "Would love to, but I have some mission reports to go over." She also needed a cold shower and a nap, too.

They stood in front of each other and just kinda stood stiff, neither really knowing what to do. Anya just nodded and started sliding her way towards the door. When she was almost out, all the fuzzy feelings in her chest couldn't help but add, "Two years, and I still found you."

"Yeah, you did, A-Anya." Garrus winced so hard that she could see his flexing muscles ripple throughout his shoulders. Yep, needed a cold shower. Scratching his head, his face looked pained when he said, "Dammit, first time using your first name and I say it like you have a gun to my head. Perfect."

Anya just kept walking very slowly through the open door. "And there it is. The awkward turian of my dreams." After she said that, her entire body caved in, turning into some sort of horrific modern art piece about social suffering. Covering her face with both hands, she rubbed her cheeks and shook her head. How were they two of the galaxy's top soldiers? The universe had terrible taste. They were pathetic. "Fuck, we both need to work on this. But for now, with that horrible, cringey statement, I should go."

Before she could reach the hallway, he stepped forward and squeezed her hand, giving a wink. Every organ in her abdomen fluttered. She was a little bitter that the man had his moments of being so damn charming. "As long as you promise to come back."

Like the horribly awkward grub of a human she was, she shook his hand, then let it go. "I will."

Turning on her heel, she walked away from the battery and hoped space lightning struck her dead before she ran into anyone. Luckily, no one paid any attention to the freshly embarrassed, cherry-colored human walking across the crew deck and into the elevator.

Anya was absolutely pathetic, definitely even more than he was, but she also couldn't help but feel her heart dance a goddamn jitterbug in her chest.

She did need a shower and a nap and to go over some mission reports, but before that she pinged the only other confidant she had. My answer changed. The reunion was good. Really good.

Joker responded a few seconds after she started prepping the water. She checked her datapad one last time to read, Great! Do I get to win the dating pool, then? I bet 50 credits on your big, obvious turian crush.

Staring at her screen, Anya snorted, but played coy. I didn't say anything about dating.

Don't make me force EDI to pull up the footage.

With an eye-roll, Anya replied, I'll send you 300 credits if you shut up.

Sounds like a deal. A pause. Extorting you about your dating life is great, I've really missed out all these years.

Fuck off, Joker.

Happy you're happy, Anya.

///

I love this chapter sososososo much. It's super long, but I always knew I wanted them to talk about their feelings instead of playing the slow burn forever. I feel like people who were as close as they were would always struggle not just letting their feelings fall out of their mouths. Instead, our conflict is them being awkward middle schoolers falling in love and trying to save the galaxy.

Thanks so much for reading. Even more thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly