#My grandmother taught me to play gin rummy

[arse-crack-thistle]

rwrb winterfest - day 18 - music

@rwrb-fests​ 

in which my dear princess bea needs a little comfort at christmastime (ace rep)

Bea always has a hard time around Christmas. 

Part of it has to do with her father. She seems to find new pieces of him to miss every day. Today, it’s his laugh—the deep chuckle he lets out when David jumps on his lap and licks his face or when he’s had a little too much brandy and Bea says something sarcastic and rude about her grandmother. 

She misses how the family used to gather around a table in one of the sitting rooms in Kensington and play gin rummy at Christmastime. The tree would stand tall in the corner. Their father insisted they decorate it themselves, despite Philip’s disapproval. It looked sloppy covered in tinsel and an assortment of colorful lights and ornaments. The star at the top tilted towards the left, but at least the tree filled the room with a delicate pine scent. The fire burned at a soft glow, and everyone around the table laughed and wore paper crowns from their Christmas crackers. It didn’t matter who they were, they were just a normal family.

Now, the room feels cold, even though the fire cracks across from her. In the corner, the bare tree sags. She hasn’t had the energy to decorate it herself since Henry’s been in New York, and while she and Philip have reconciled their differences, he’s never really liked this part of their family’s traditions. Her mother works a ton since stepping up as the heir apparent, so Bea didn’t want to bother her either. Her cat meows next to her on the couch.

Christ, she wants a hit. She wants something to wipe her memory and just let her be. She just might reach for the brandy on the liquor cart. Why did she convince Henry she could handle it being here? Or that she could handle him leaving?

No, he needs to live his life without her, even if she misses him. The hardest part about being ace is watching her people find their person.

She’s happy for Henry and she loves Alex, but she’s lonely when they’re gone. And with loneliness comes dark thoughts. And the chance she will relapse multiplies. 

Bea should call her sponsor. Or Henry. Or literally anyone. She knows they’ll answer. She knows she’s loved. But the only person she wants to hold her and make Christmas special again can’t.

She really misses her father.

Bea leaves the room. She puts as much space between her and the brandy as she can. When her fingers itch for something, she must fill them, and the best remedy is music.

Her favorite room in this place looks exactly how she left it the day before. The piano sits, awaiting Henry. The mismatch of rugs were her idea—benders with musicians in Galway inspired her, or what she remembered of them did. The cat finds her way to her spot on the brown settee. 

Before picking up a guitar, Bea passes tchotchkes from their travels on an antique side table. Nesting dolls from Russia. A Statue of Liberty figurine from their first trip to the U.S. A toorstag from Henry’s month in Mongolia. A coconut bra from Bea’s drunk cruise in the Caribbean. She’s since become a more sensitive and culturally-minded traveler. 

She sits with the instrument on the floor, her back against the settee. This particular guitar was a gift from her father on her fourteenth birthday. It was handmade for her, and her initials sit just below the artisan’s label under the sound hole. The koa wood has a rich, dark finish; Bea likes to drag her finger across the wood grain when she’s deciding what to play next or when she’s lost in her thoughts in between songs. When her father first gave it to her, the sound was bright and lively, but in the time since, it’s become mellow and warm. Perfect for fingerpicking.

She plays a few chords as she tunes it. Her cat purrs behind her ear. Crystal from the chandelier above her twinkles. She settles in the quiet moment and plays.

But there’s no heart in it.

Bea thought if she changed her scenery, if she gave herself something to do, she’d get out of this riptide. But every song, every passing minute, pulls her further and further out.

If no one’s around to hear her play, is it really music?

Is this her safe space if no one’s here to create its harmony with her?

She’s so lonely.

And the tune is as frozen as she feels.

It’s times like these she wishes she wanted her grandmother’s happily ever after—marry a man, pop out a couple of kids, and be a dutiful royal. But she can’t. The thought of marrying someone, of making and raising children, of being a mindless princess puppet actually nauseates her.

If only she had her own community of people like her, she might be able to rely on Henry less. Her other married friends wouldn’t feel so bad for her. She could just go on ignoring her grandmother and Philip, when he gets to be too much. Her mother wouldn’t worry as much.

And not that she wouldn’t miss her father less, but maybe she wouldn’t feel so empty without him here.

Maybe the soul could find its way back into her music.

So Bea snaps herself out of it just enough to text Pez and ask for his Instagram login. She has a plan that her handler—and her grandmother, for that matter—would definitely disapprove of.

But fuck the crown.

Bea needs to take her life in her own hands and demand more for herself. She needs help to feel better, but she has to be the one to initiate. If Henry could do it, so could she. 

Part of the AA mantra is to have the courage to change the things she can. 

She’s got it, and she can do it.

Pez responds quickly and without question, of course. She sets her guitar to the side and downloads the app. After she logs in, she leans forward and rests the phone against the floor pouf in front of her.

Bea takes a deep breath and starts a livestream, and the viewer count immediately skyrockets. Her grandmother is really going to hate this.

“Um, hello,” she says. “I’m sure you all weren’t expecting to see me, but our friend, Percy, was kind enough to lend me his account for a short while. I hope that’s all right.”

She shifts a little uncomfortably. She never minded the spotlight as long as she could control it, but even now, she feels more venerable than ever. Last year’s Christmas pajamas hang loosely on her. Surely, her reindeer bottoms will go viral, as she sits with her legs crisscrossed in full view of the camera. Her cat mews.

“Yes, thank you for that, darling,” She says to her and then looks to the camera.

“I just wanted to come on here to talk to you all. See, as we’re in the holiday season, it’s all a bit overwhelming, isn’t it? And in all of this hustle and bustle, one finds they get a bit lost along the way.

“I’ve noticed this in myself every year, but this time it’s more frustrating. I’ve just been feeling rather lonely lately, as one can during this chilly time, so I thought maybe you lot have experienced that as well. I wanted to connect with people like me. I don’t mean, like, I want to wallow in my problems—or that I have especially difficult problems—I mean I know I’m very fortunate—I just—um. Let me—let me straighten this out.”

She sighs. This could be a disaster. She could come off entitled and whiny if she doesn’t focus more on her words.

“It seems the people in my life all have a partner, and I am so happy for them, truly. But I don’t want a partner or a relationship of any nature other than friendship. And so during this time of year—and, I suppose, other times as well—I find myself the odd woman out.

“For example, here I am, alone in this place, with only my cat, with whom you’ve already become acquainted. Now, I know I’m very lucky to have this, but it’s empty houses that can lead people down a dark path, isn’t it?”

Bea needs to say the words. She needs to make it very clear. She watches the screen flood with comments and hearts. Hundreds of thousands of people are watching, and tomorrow she’s going to be on every media outlet.

“I’m aromantic and asexual, if that wasn’t clear. I can’t and don’t want to fall in love, and not that it’s anyone’s business, I’m not even faintly interested in sex. And that may be confusing for some of you, but for me, it makes my life, my mind, make sense.”

She’s slowly but surely finding her way back to shore now.

“For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, but there’s not. I thought the only way I could be happy was to be in a relationship, but it’s not. And if you yourself are ace as well, I want you to know you’re not alone.

“This is the real reason why I did all of this. I was lonely and sad tonight, and I wanted you all to know that if you feel that too, it’s okay. I hope I can learn about and grow in the ace community—not to replace my happily coupled friends, but to explore new friendships with people who can understand what I and some of you are going though.

“We’ve been taught that there’s one way to be happy, and I just don’t think that’s true. And I’m willing to prove it if you’ll help me. Starting now.”

Bea reaches for her guitar and places it in her lap. She finds the first chord of “Horchata” by Vampire Weekend. A text notification from Henry pops down.

HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

A smile creeps up her cheeks.

“Something I love to do when I’m down is to pick out a little tune. If it’s all right with you, I thought I’d play a round for us. Maybe answer a few questions if you’ve got any.”

Bea picks the first note, and the tone is perfect.

She feels warmth grow in her chest and travel around her arms and down her back.

Like her father hugging her from behind, arms crossed over her shoulders.

Just like he used to do many Christmases ago.

[godsizemylife-blog]

And how I want my Heavenly Dad to pack my life with all he wants to give me.do you think I look like my Dad? I hope I do!

I HAVE to share this. God IS Love, and powerful kindness. He did a wonderful, incredible thing for me yesterday to prove it again to me.

When I was in high school, my family bought an acre of land in the mountains, and my father built a cabin on the land. It took two years to build, driving up on weekends, and I have many happy memories of helping him. In 1984 my dad and mom had to sell the cabin, because the high altitude bothered my mother’s blood pressure. I was married, but we didn’t have the extra money to buy the cabin, so it went to another owner.

In 2005, before my older son and his family moved to Asia, we drove up to see the cabin. A new owner had purchased it, and it was his wedding day, but he let us walk around inside, renewing my son’s memories of good times there. I was amazed to see two of my Grandmother’s kitchen chairs in the kitchen. I told James, the owner, how I sat at her kitchen table when I was four and she taught me to play a card game called gin rummy. He said he really liked the chairs, too, so I thought I’d never see them again. Because he wanted to know about who built the house, I made him a photo book of pictures of my father and us building the cabin. Two months later a truck came to my house and brought me the two chairs!

Yesterday “we” looked online at some pictures of land up in the mountains to hopefully buy. About twenty minutes later I got an email from James, at my new email address. He said he needs to sell the cabin, and he had been searching for a month to find a way to contact me – I no longer have the same phone number, last name, or email address – to ask me if I would like to buy it back! He found my blog by searching for my name online and found my new email from that. How amazing is God’s love, to care so much! Even if it is too expensive for me to buy, I am filled with knowledge of God’s great and compassionate, affirming love for me.

James told me yesterday that he could feel love in the house when he bought it. God is gracious, powerful love!

Pardon the King James version here, but 1 John 4:8 – He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 1 John 4:16 – And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

1 John 4:9-11 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing

Deuteronomy 7:9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations,

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/20-inspirational-bible-verses-about-gods-love/#ixzz4nrKXqmTj

A “…BUT…” to pray: God, sometimes it seems, it feels like, You are far away and unconcerned about me, because ______________________________________________BUT YOU promise me YOU will never leave me and never forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:8), and You put Your promise in writing in the Bible, so I’m going to dare to ask YOU to “Show me a sign of your goodness, that those who hate me may see it, and be put to shame, because you, Yahweh, have helped me, and comforted me.” (Psalm 86:17) And I will let YOU choose the way, God, You show me Your love, because You know my deepest heart, so I’m listening now for Your voice above every other noise and voice in my life, InJesus’ name, amen!   _____________________________________________________________

Just Giving God Glory! I HAVE to share this. God IS Love, and powerful kindness. He did a wonderful, incredible thing for me yesterday to prove it again to me.

[violetemerald]

Multi-Fandom Angst, Family Drama, Grief - ["For Heaven's Sake" by Thriving Ivory]

"And I know, and I know, and I know that you've had more than you can bear; but you're gonna have to let it go..." ~~~~~ My grandmother died on November 30th, and I’m only just now posting my vid about my emotions.

Better late than never, I hope...

This is the YouTube description, maximum character length for YT:

Hi everyone! I'm back! I haven't posted a full length fanvideo since September 2016 with my "Unwritten" vid... sorry about that. (And here I am, vidding my first fandom ever, ER, again -- for the first time since September 2014 when I last made a multi-fandom grief vid, that time just because the song inspired me, not life events.)

My grandmother - who I always called Grandmom, never Grandma btw so please respect that - was far from perfect. But in many ways she served in the role in my life that Carter's Gamma on ER served in his, or Drew's grandfather Zeek on Parenthood did, or Alexis' grandmother Martha on Castle, or even what place Luke had in Jess' life on Gilmore Girls. I was babysat by my grandmother every day after school from like, kindergarten through middle school? Probably at least one day of most weekends there until my dad moved close enough to see me and my brother more than once a month... (around when I was 10). We then saw my dad on weekends, so on Summer Breaks, since most of our friends were in my grandmomr's neighborhood we spent at least a few days each week there. My entire senior year of high school plus about a month & a half of the end of my junior year I lived every day (except weekends) with my grandmother, because life with my abusive mom (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSxVQqMfGQ / https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L09-M8Ztsd4 ) came to a point of no return, I suppose.

I have some resentment/disappointment/lack of intimacy when it comes to remembering my grandmother, and all she didn't do, & all I needed and she didn't quite provide. I kind of feel the way Matt on Friday Night Lights feels toward his father when it comes to me and my grandmother.  A lot of mixed feelings. A surprising amount of grief. Far from pure love.

But my grandmother was a person who lived a long, hard life and I am so grateful for so so many of the little things she provided. When my dad was in jail and I was only 19 (see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyINQfgfb00 ) she was the person who, without hesitating, bailed my dad out and helped in a way I desperately needed, since I wasn't 21 yet which is the minimum age to sign contracts with bail bondsman (and in our case a bail bondswoman). I also didn't really have the money...

My grandmother was always there to host holiday get-together's, until her health started declining around 2008 or 2009. My grandmother taught me how to play bingo and gin rummy ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gin_rummy ) when I was little, I played puzzles about the alphabet and all the 50 states of the USA at her house, and I played these things again with both her and my younger cousins (her other grandchildren) too as I got older but still spent so much time at her house.

She kept a (fruit &) vegetable garden, a large flower garden, a front flower bed, and many potted plants and flowers in the house. This video isn't the first fandom tribute I've made in reaction to her death - the first thing I did was create a Harry Potter, Neville & his Gran Augusta podfic (audio recording/adding music/creation of cover art) of a beautiful set of short fanfic stories that made me think of my grandmother in a few ways. http://archiveofourown.org/works/9165739 (I'm still not sure a single soul has even listened to it? Oh well...)

I started a vid that was not about my relationship with my mom at all, about only the good things, no anger, no pain in life, just sadness over death - I started it around the first weekend in December, right after she died on November 30th, before the funeral even happened. But I couldn't get inspired enough, and then I got much much more inspired to make a video that tied it ALL together.

"For Heaven's Sake" is an expression, btw, that the only person in my life I can think of who might have said it on a few occasions is my old-fashioned grandmother. Lol!! And seriously: pause this vid at 1:03. That room Grandma Lorraine Saracen is moving into is SO my grandmother. That picture frame, that mirror, that bedspread, every single thing including her glasses and hairstyle reminds me of my grandmom, who even struggled with dementia at the very end. (I included the moment at 2:27 because it reminded me of being little and trying my grandmom's hair curlers in my head overnight - my hair was still so straight before I reached puberty and it's a fun way to curl hair...)

1:19 /that Saul stuff I included: I never got the chance to tell my grandmother the main thing she was worried about for me - that I finally got a job!! That's the biggest thing that for years I was a family embarrassment lol, and that's why I haven't been able to post a new vid in months... I got a job about a month before she died and never ended up telling her. I wish she could've known. I also wonder what her reaction would've been if I had ever come out as asexual/atheist.