#Muk the polar bear exists in the set too

[theangrypokemaniac]

Shunned by all decent, God-fearing folk for centuries, Alola's isolation has fueled an unnatural way of looking at the world.

Rattatas were such a problem they imported Yungoos and Gumshoos from another region to control numbers.

Then why are they classed as Alola Pokémon?

Once purple, the climate has inexplicably transformed 'Retarda' into a black rat, which:

A. Eat their own babies.

B. Carry bubonic plague.

If that's not a winning combination, this beast now comes replete with the comedy villain moustache of a wartime spiv offering nylons to flustered housewives, and a side order of bovril if she's optional.

I presume facial hair on a furry scamp is what I see, not another set of polyps tearing through his face, having blocked the nasal cavity.

Raticate wasn't the prettiest of creatures, yet Alola's offering exceeds that low bar considerably.

Countless surveys attest to the dramatic boost in popularity the rodent community receives when stuffed so full they're ready to throw up.

Hey, don't knock it. Raticate are very picky in their eating habits.

It's a rat. They live in sewers. It gnaws every surface available.

Now yer telling me they're effete and squeamish?

Yes. In fact, such is their famed fastidiousness an infestation is a welcome development for restaurants.

...

Yer what?

It's true. Count yerself lucky to find a kitchen swarming with rodents. You certainly are in for a taste sensation.

Indeed. I am reminded of an early Pokédex entry on Raticate, describing its 'disgusting feet'.

Fancy them stinking tootsies treading through the crème brûlée?

And I thought they were vermin to be eaten by mongooses (mongeese?), but now caterers crave their company?

Make yer mind up!

Animals dwelling in human excrement, never mind their own, add such flavour to a meal.

Should I object to the presence of canonically dirty Pokémon in a food preparation area, I'd be the weirdo.

What a comfort that is to know.

This insalubrious patronage gets yer shut down elsewhere, but Alola's standards of hygiene are low, so low they rebranded plague rats a positive rather than bothering to dust once in a while.

If Marsh Mallow really desires a Michelin Man star for the caff she'd best designate the cleaning to her lazy-arsed dad. Then it won't be done.

Come on, he's a waster if ever there was one. He's so thick a gorilla taught him to cook, being part ape himself.

Invert the middle letter of 'Abe', and what d'yer get?

Leave Monkey Man to his own devices and the whole place will descend into a prize-winning shit-tip in no time.

That's where yer going wrong, love! There's not enough botulism at your gaff!

All I can express is relief there aren't cockroach Pokémon. Can you envision the threat to public health were they to be encouraged?

...

I'll have you know Pheromosa is very wary of germs.

You keep lying to yerself if it helps.

Yeah, because Alola cockroaches are special, so much more sophisticated than anyone else's.

So much more sexy than cockroaches in lesser parts of the world.

Yeah, it's come to that.

Biohazards Grimer and Muk are a most unsettling presence.

A supposed island paradise of endless fruit groves, clean streams and forests, should not feature sentient gunge.

Besides the technicolour nightmare, the heat has produced an unfortunate sticky side to their gooey nastiness.

Reminiscent of slugs, various detritus adheres to their bodies, to the extent cat litter lodges in their empty gums like soiled teef.

What a lot of mess there is about the streets, much more than anywhere else. Seems the populace are content to reside in their own filth.

Not true. Grimer and Muk were brought in to deal with a mountain of rubbish.

Oh? It was as I said then.

The picture painted brings to mind the wasteland of Parallel Alola, without having Guzzlord to blame.

This teaches us three things about the locals:

1. Litter doesn't chuck itself in the bushes.

For all the yawnsome preaching about living in harmony with the environment, there's a rampant lack of respect for Mother Nature.

Don't come here moralising! Yer've been fly-tipping!

2. They feed trash, dyed with luminous toxic chemicals, to Pokémon.

Pancakes is just a ruse!

Damage to D.N.A. is now obvious, given the paranoid stare in those haunted eyes.

It's not enough to use living things as bins, they're infecting 'em too!

Sod what long-term effects this may have on life expectancy, Alolans demand their rights.

These privileges being to desecrate the landscape with abandon, and someone else can clear it up.

Look at 'em! I bet they glow in the dark!

3. Incest has a shockingly deleterious effect on the mental faculties.

Can't we just burn it?

NO! The polar bears are drowning! Avoid that at all costs!

Chuck it in the sea like the recycling plants?

NO! Turtles eat shopping bags! We want an eco-friendly solution.

How about nuclear waste?

That's the ticket!

Why sweep the roads yerself when rancid slime can be shipped in as slaves?

That's Grimer, such a pollutant no life can exist in its wake, and Muk, who spreads disease?

Yes, and then we'll let it loose to multiply.

What could go wrong here?