#Miss Summer World 2018

[raceweek]

hello. alexalblondo's rude anon coming here to humbly and politely beg for galex primer because i dont understand their history. george said he lived at alex's family's house at one point? how - weren't they already racing? sorry thank you humble thank you 🙏🙏

hello!!! thanks chris for the referral FKFJDKD

i have overwhelmed my alex and george tags so much that i fear i could never capture all of it but my galex key moment anthology is under the cut!!

karting/early single seaters

Alex thinks they met in 2011 but the footage in georges flip phone says he knew alex back in 2009.

Their first actual interaction (so far as they've told the world) was when alex was world champion with the intrepid karting team and bc he was their reference driver he was asked to help pick the drivers who were quick to replace him when he moved up and he picked george (and charles) so they were then part of that same intrepid driver programme for a while. Interestingly, alex was always at least one year above him bc of their ages and george says the fact they didn't really race directly against each other before 2016 was probably why they became such good friends.

They did a deep dive of their camera rolls from this time on twitch a couple years back and talked about the oldest pictures they have of each other in their camera rolls (1:25:36) which was cute.

2017

2017 is the year george basically lived with alex. They were also sharing a trainer whilst alex was competing in gp2 and george was in gp3. George was doing mercedes sim work at their factory so rented a flat in milton keynes near where alex lived but according to alex that rent was wasted money bc george had more meals at alexs' house than he did that year. Also as detailed in those links, the Great Mountain Biking Incident of 2017 occurred at this time so we have the fun mental image of george literally wheeling alex into a&e on a wheelchair bc that is an actual event that happened.

2018

George and alex both in f2 fighting for the title year wooooo!! They never really fought on track but we did get fun tidbits like when alex pipped george to the win at silverstone bc george had a slow pit stop and giggled about it in parc ferme (5:42) & these post session interviews.

also some incredible photoshoots.

2019

Promotion to f1!!! We started the year at winter testing and this nugget that they have both accepted that they are actually tied together by the strings of fate. They're doing fun media stuff like karting and bullying each other over percentage of apexs hit at the skypad (video). 2019 also the start of the umbrella sharing. They were just together a lot… more skypad analysis!!!

2019 also has MY personal favourite galex moment which was hockenheim 2019 and the 45 minute phone call galex had on the way home after george missed out on scoring what would have been his first point in f1 and only point of the season.

There was also the summer break and enjoying a training camp together, exchanging infections etc. Alex also took george to meet lily for the first time, bc that’s a normal thing to do.

There was also the rookie of the year vid, and the rookie season review vid at the end of the year. Much was happening.

2020

The year started with f1 trying to race during a global pandemic. Fun! On the singular media day before everyone realised just how stupid that was they were being annoying. The lockdowns did give us the twitch streams. George was initially so bad at virtual racing he had to secretly consult alex's brother for help behind alexs back. George was also actively seeking alex out like a missile at any given opportunity and at one point felt necessary to declare that he wasn't alexs boyfriend when someone asked if alex was going to be streaming that day. Anyway my lockdown twitchscapades tag has a post with a playlist of all the streams that haven't been lost or deleted if you want to feel joy and have a spare million hours.

Racing resumed in July with the covid team bubbles and within two races and one qualifying session george was defending alexs honour to sky sports and the world in a truly remarkable fashion.

At the end of the year alex was unemployed....even more tragic than this loss was that alexs career difficulties were so extreme he started ghosting george, which devastated him to the extent he needed to publicly drag him for it.

There was also george asking lily to post alexs n*des on instagram and lily responding with if anyone has them it would be you which was perhaps the last time george had access to his own social media password.

Despite george not liking it they celebrated alexs first podium by going golfing! and reverse! George was also gifted an alex albon signed autograph card for christmas and said that he'll put it somewhere special x

2021

The beginning of 2021 was during lockdown and there was more fun virtual gps except the only two drivers doing it were george and alex so they were just bitching and gossiping and threatening to steal strategies and abu dhabi 2016 each other. Particular shoutout to the time they had a virtual race on valentines day and alex put a suit on for it and george was baffled. Immediately after valentines day was georges birthday which lily used to thank george for letting her borrow his boyfriend from time to time.

Then the season started with george enduring the season alexless and not letting anyone forget about it. Alex was turning up to races after being locked in the simulator until the early hours posting stuff like this on instagram and otherwise stumbling over his words after getting whipped on the ass.

Perhaps the defining moment of the galex 2021 season was george pushing the williams board to sign alex so heavily that they had to actively shut him out of proceedings. Also at this time there was this cute congrats from alexs family and one from alex to georgie about the mercedes seat.

anyway here's some more random 2021 nuggets:

i've seen him topless a few times

george getting alex a good deal on a merc x

yet More golf

the handover

georges driver room

2022

They truly lost every inch of personal space in 2022 like. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. The back signing Hello.

2022 had alex having his appendix out, nearly dying and alexs family updating george whilst alex was in the icu and then when alex returned for the next race in signapore a couple weeks later (insane behaviour) george was like mmm audacious of him to be here.

Elsewhere alex discovered georges photoshoot and was making screensavers about it. Alex also discovered hair dye and george was making instagram stories about it.

other random 2022 nuggets:

george is alexs fave f1 driver excluding himself

this skit williams did of lily finding a huge picture of george in alexs driver room

whatever this image is of lily george and alex

private plane carpool

double date

2023

@onadarklingplain covers the whole year for you much MUCH better than i ever could here!!!!!

and that brings us to present where they're just as weird and freaky with each other as ever!!!

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

a list of some spring movies/series 🌷

spring is here!! and so is your friendly neighbourhood little organisation freak of a goblin to give you a list of some spring movies and series. as always, just close your eyes and point somewhere on this little list, or even put the numbers in a generator and go with whatever the result is ♡

summer | autumn | winter

🐝 ‧₊˚ ⋅ movies ⋅˚₊‧

mary poppins (1964)

the sound of music (1965)

aristocats (1970)

alla vi barn i bullerbyn (1986)

my neighbour totoro (1988)

kiki's delivery service (1989)

a league of their own (1992)

the secret garden (1993)

pride and prejudice (1995/2005)

whisper of the heart (1995)

clueless (1995)

my best friend’s wedding (1997)

parent trap (1998)

10 things i hate about you (1999)

notting hill (1999)

she's all that (1999)

but i’m a cheerleader (1999)

bring it on (2000)

miss congeniality (2000)

spiritied away (2001)

the wedding planner (2001)

legally blonde (2001)

princess diaries (2001 + 2004)

spy kids (2001-2003)

maid in manhatten (2002)

bend it like beckham (2002)

tuck everlasting (2002)

school of rock (2003)

how to lose a guy in 10 days (2003)

something’s gotta give (2003)

13 going on 30 (2004)

finding neverland (2004)

howl’s moving castle (2004)

saving face (2004)

the notebook (2004)

imagine me and you (2005)

nanny mcphee (2005)

penelope (2006)

miss potter (2006)

step up (2006)

she’s the man (2006)

bridge to terabithia (2007)

enchanted (2007)

atonement (2007)

stardust (2007)

ps i love you (2007)

wild child (2008)

made of honour (2008)

ondine (2009)

bride wars (2009)

valentine’s day (2010)

tangled (2010)

leap year (2010)

easy a (2010)

from up on poppy hill (2011)

jane eyre (2011)

crazy, stupid, love (2011)

what to expect when you’re expecting (2012)

remember sunday (2013)

saving mr banks (2013)

about time (2013)

now you see me (2013 + 2016)

love, rosie (2014)

testament of youth (2014)

kingsman (2014-)

paddington (2014 + 2017)

far from the madding crowd (2015)

burnt (2015)

brooklyn (2015)

cinderella (2015)

the man from u.n.c.l.e. (2015)

lady chatterley's lover (2015/2022)

creed franchise (2015-2023)

me before you (2016)

mother’s day (2016)

this beautiful fantastic (2016)

the light between oceans (2016)

paterson (2016)

how to be single (2016)

hidden figures (2016)

gifted (2017)

dunkirk (2017)

ocean’s eight (2018)

life itself (2018)

peter rabbit (2018)

christopher robin (2018)

tomb raider (2018)

set it up (2018)

crazy rich asians (2018)

spider-verse movies (2018-)

1917 (2019)

the art of racing in the rain (2019)

can you keep a secret? (2019)

booksmart (2019)

someone great (2019)

endings, beginnings (2019)

emma (2020)

enola holms (2020-)

the last letter from your lover (2021)

the world to come (2021)

🌼 ‧₊˚ ⋅ series ⋅˚₊‧

little house on the prairie (1974-1983)

moomin valley (1990-1992)

greys anatomy (2005-)

gossip girl (2007-2012)

skins (2007-2013)

the great british bake off (2010-)

new girl (2011-2018)

brooklyn nine-nine (2013-2021)

the fosters (2013-2018)

the 100 (2014-2020)

jane the virgin (2014-2019)

outlander (2014-)

grace and frankie (2015-2022)

poldark (2015-2019)

critical role (2015-)

howards end (2017)

girlboss (2017)

she's gotta have it (2017-2019)

the bold type (2017-2021)

mr. sunshine (2018)

queer eye (2018-)

crash landing into you (2019)

the witcher (2019-)

dickinson (2019-2021)

sex education (2019-2023)

bridgerton (2020-)

ted lasso (2020-2023)

nevertheless (2021)

abbott elementary (2021-)

flatshare (2022)

[dayoldtea]

INSTAGRAM BLURB

pairing: harry styles x brazilian!famous!reader

fc: bruna marquezine

a/n: this is long

..

2012

2016

liked by harrystyles, selenagomez and 12,517,882 others

yourinstagram Wow! I can't believe it's been a year of @ipanema 🇧🇷 My favorite childhood memories are connected to the summer, the sun and the sea, and with every new design designed, be it bikinis or accessories, I feel a little more connected to that little girl who counted the days until the weekend, because it meant my feet would touch the warm sand of Ipanema Beach again. So much has happened in one year and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us! Thanks for all the support so far, it means the world and I can't wait for you to see our new designs!! 💚💛 Head over to @ipanema to get 30% OFF the entire store! Limited birthday discount! ☀️

view all comments

user81 she's so pretty 😭

user61 harry liked the post just a few seconds after yn posted it 😃

⤷ user42 this man has her notifications turned on, i swear to god

user21 okay harry, we get it

user34 i'm so proud of you

user12 this is what i think i look like

user55 all right yn, here's my whole paycheck

harrystyles congratulations ❤️

liked by yourinstagram and 3,018,164 others

⤷ user96 WHAT

⤷ user48 HARRRRYYYYY

⤷ user82 QHWIOWHWEIWOWJAKAKALAKA

⤷ user10 i bet he sent this comment and then threw the phone out the window

⤷ user02 the poor man has been waiting for an answer for almost five years 😭 #prayforharry

liked by user7, user55 and 717,011 others

harry_update HARRY AND Y/N/Y/L/N TONIGHT IN LA!!! I REPEAT: HARRY AND Y/N/Y/L/N TONIGHT IN LA!!!!!!!!!

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user44 FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

user06 i love how the whole fandom was just rooting for harry to finally take her on a date

user71 i feel like a proud mother

user92 THE WAY HE'S HOLDING HER

user66 omg twitter must be collapsing

user04 y/n/y/l/n is the only woman who can keep harry styles waiting five years for a date

user12 when a latina wins, all latinas win along with her 🥳

user29 THIS IS SO ADORABLE 😭😭

user73 am i the only one who doesn't want them to be together?

⤷ user40 yes

⤷ user33 yes

⤷ user81 yes

liked by taylorswift, niallhoran and 31,981,277 others

harrystyles I finally got that call

harrystyles has disabled comments

2017

liked by user10, user20 and 471,839 others

ynandharryupdates the puppy appearing on harry's lap in the kiwi music video was a gift from him to yn. welcome, oat!

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user63 CRYING

user99 so lovely 😭😭

user03 i'm sure it was yn's idea to have puppies in the video lol

⤷ user62 that's exactly what i thought 😂

user55 harry is so whipped, and i am so happy for him

user30 this is the most adorable puppy ever

user44 he's smiling for the camera

user52 just a few days ago yn said on a live stream that she missed having a pet at home, but that she didn't know how she would manage since she had upcoming projects that required long trips. it seems that harry decided that they should share custody 🥺

2018

liked by user93, user07 and 327,016 others

enews Harry met with his girlfriend's parents, the brazilian actress and businesswoman Y/N/Y/L/N, this morning at a hotel in Rio de Janeiro. Some sources say that Y/L/N's absence in her homeland is associated with projects she is working on.

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user53 something about harry taking advantage of his concert schedule in brazil to see yn's parents even if she is not present makes me weak in the knees

user88 i'm so looking forward to yn's next works! hope to see her acting again soon ❤️

user94 yn taught him to speak portuguese? yn's parents speak english? i'm so curious now lol

⤷ user51 yn's parents speak english! they had to live in the usa for a while to accompany her to the auditions when she was still a minor (nowadays her mother teaches english at a school in brazil, btw).

⤷ user53 yn's parents speak english, but harry said in an interview with nick grimshaw for bbc music that yn was teaching him portuguese so he could communicate with her parents via facetime

⤷ user94 pls this is so cute! thanks for the explanation

user06 knowing how much yn loves going to rio and being close to her family, i'm sure she felt bad for not being able to accompany harry to his shows in brazil, so seeing him close to her parents must make her very happy ❤️

2019

liked by harrystyles, zendaya and 32,967,501 others

yourinstagram Euphoria coming soon to HBO.

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arianagrande YAAAAAA I CANT WAIT

user25 MAIN CHARACTER

user52 soooooo gooood

annetwist gorgeous

user18 i am so excited for this

harrystyles I couldn't be prouder! te amo, H x

⤷ yourinstagram love u too, H ❤️

⤷ user44 literal parents

⤷ user83 i'm so single 😃

⤷ user90 crying as i question my existence

user02 FREAKING OUT

liked by yourinstagram, harris_reed and 28,853,481 others

harrystyles FINE LINE . THE ALBUM . DEC 13

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gucci ❤️

user43 thank you @yourinstagram

user88 IM FUCKING READY OH MY GOSH

user06 what about medicine, sir??????????

user14 can't wait to listen and then look for theories about which songs are about yn

user62 i'm so proud

yourinstagram i know i've said this about a million times now, but you make me more and more proud every day. te amo! ❤️

⤷ harrystyles love you more my sunflower muse, H x

⤷ user91 SOBBING

⤷ user54 SUNFLOWER IS ALREADY THE BEST SONG

⤷ user09 imagine being harry styles' muse 😃

user91 WTF IS ERODA

2020

liked by user86, user31 and 581,740 others

harryflorals All accessories and swimwear used by the models in the watermelon sugar video are part of the new collection of yn's swimwear brand, @ipanema. According to the brand's website, the pre-sale will be available tomorrow.

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user60 SHE IS THE MOMENT

user23 talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before

user51 I KNEW

user45 I LOVE IT

user78 this song, this video… everything screams yn 😃

user64 the way she always uses harry to promote herself

⤷ user13 what? yn's brand was extremely popular even before she started dating harry. shut up.

user05 IT COUPLE

liked by user53, user03 and 359,721 others

ynshine just leaving this here

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user12 the cutest

user44 my parents

user25 i just love them

yourinstagram @harrystyles

⤷ harrystyles darling, i can explain…

⤷ user62 SCREAMING

⤷ ynshine the user of this account is dead

2021

liked by lizzobeeating, gemmastyles and 14,368,001 others

harrystyles late night talking

harrystyles has disabled comments

liked by harrystyles, mitchrowland and 20,014,613 others

yourinstagram loving on tour

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user61 SUPPORTIVE GF

user18 i'm obsessed with her

user11 hi, yn! idk if you remember me or if you will see this comment, but i was at the harry concert last night and ended up having a serious anxiety crisis due to the crowd. i was unaccompanied, and as much as the other girls next to me tried to help me, there wasn't much they could do. idk how, but you saw me from somewhere near the stage, offered me water and a safe place to stay until the show was over. i had saved up for many months for this show, and if it wasn't for you, my anxiety would have completely ruined my whole experience. thank you for helping me and being the sweetest person ever ❤️

⤷ yourinstagram of course I remember you, dear! hope you are feeling better, take care! ❤️

⤷ user69 literal angel

⤷ user16 harry is so lucky

user82 i love this relationship so much

user36 i was already crying when I read the caption

2022

liked by zendaya, annetwist, and 37,8941,241 others

harrystyles Harry's House. May 20th.

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user21 i cant

mtv i will never recover emotionally from this

billieeilish having a breakdown

user87 the message behind the name of the album and the photo he chose to promote it

user52 twitter crashed

user11 mom and dad

gemmastyles the all time favorite couple breaking the internet once again

liked by user03, user93 and 921,729 others

harryflorals The exact moment Harry and Y/N see each other on the red carpet at the Venice Film Festival.

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user12 sobbing, crying, vomiting, screaming, blushing, banging my head on the wall, running in circles, pulling my hair out, sliding down the wall

user32 THEY'RE LITERALLY GLOWING

user76 after 10 years harry styles finally gets to live his fanfiction

user57 he's so in love with her

florencepugh SHE GOT THAT CINEMA

user97 GET MARRIED NOW

user50 thanks for the new wallpaper

user44 the real reason why i have high relationship patterns

user36 why didn't they go together?

⤷ user07 harry went earlier to accompany the cast of DWD

user09 the fact that harry is obsessed with her since forever just makes it even better

user80 SOULMATES

[umlewis]

Lewis Hamilton Wants To Make Music, But First He Wants To Make the World A Better Place

On the heels of a new Marriott Bonvoy partnership, the F1 star talks about creating memorable moments and finding inspiration in music

By our estimates, Lewis Hamilton has traveled more than 80,000 miles this year, both for his job as one of the premiere drivers in Formula 1 and for leisure, as a perpetual tourist who’s always looking for his next adventure. And that’s not counting the 60-plus laps he drives on the track each race day, either. It’s no surprise, then, that Hamilton craves a little bit of stillness when he finds himself alone, and for as long as he can remember Hamilton has found his solace in music. "Music is the biggest part of my life," Hamilton says. "It's the most important thing that keeps me sane." For the F1 champ, making music has become a necessary outlet, a personal space to create that's all his own. It's been nice, he explains, "In a sport where you don't feel like you could fit in, where you know you're different but you can't really talk too much and there's no way to express yourself other than in a car, to then have music and be able to put my feelings out into something." The F1 star spoke to Rolling Stone during the recent Dutch Grand Prix in Zandvoort, where he partnered with Marriott Bonvoy to offer Bonvoy members an exclusive meet-and-greet in the Mercedes-AMG Petronas F1 Team area.

"We are traveling to 24 different places around the world [each year] and I think one of the most difficult things when you are traveling is often missing your home bed," Hamilton says. "I've traveled to cities and been booked at a hotel, walked straight into my room and left," he continues, "so to find the right comfort has been a discovery process." Marriott, the driver says, has "been so accommodating in all these different places that I've been to." Part of that has been finding a menu that caters to the famous vegan's plant-based diet. "Marriott is really, really accommodating. They find things to make you," Hamilton says. Another has been finding space for the driver to make music while on the road. "I carry one suitcase that has my music equipment," Hamilton reveals, "so every time I get to a hotel, I always set up my mic." Hamilton's musical aspirations started at an early age. His father played in a reggae band, which inspired him to pick up a guitar at thirteen. He bought a turntable when he was sixteen, eventually filling in for local DJs at London nightclubs when he was old enough to go out. He wrote his first song, an R&B track called Never Again, when he was 21. After that, "I was hooked."

Lately, Hamilton has been going through waves of inspiration for the type of music he wants to make. He quietly dropped a track with Christina Aguilera for her 2018 album Liberation (under the artist name XNDA), and he name drops everyone from Wizkid to Coldplay and Billie Eilish when asked about favorite artists. Over the last year he's been listening to"“a lot of afro beats," and he enthusiastically nominates Megan Thee Stallion's Mamushi for 2024 "Song of the Summer" honors. "It's sick, I love that song. That's probably the coolest track out there right now," he gushes. When it comes to his own music though, Hamilton admits he's still unsure of what he wants to make - and what he wants to say. "I go through these phases where I'm doing a lot, I'm writing a lot and I'm recording a lot, and really feeling inspired," he says, "and then I go through these periods where I just stop doing it. I do it less and less and less, and then I stop setting my mic up." For someone who's known for his daring overtakes and hairpin turns on the track, does the thought of releasing music scare him? The soft-spoken star demures when asked about his musical endeavors, revealing that he has "no plans on ever giving [the songs] to anybody," at least for now. "I never got into music, to put the music up," he says.

Further complicating things, at least from this perspective, has been Hamilton's incredibly close relationship with his fans. Few drivers are as well-liked as the Brit, and few athletes have given back to their sport the way Hamilton has, whether it's signing autographs at the airport, making frequent public appearances, or doing intimate meet-and-greets with Marriott Bonvoy. He's almost always taking time out for fans at every race weekend, and yet there's a prevailing feeling of resignation when Hamilton talks about the fandom, almost as if he's expecting himself to do more, to say more, to sign more, even if it hasn't been asked of him. "From a driver's perspective, for an individual or group of people to decide to support you out of only twenty [drivers]? It's a real privilege," he says, "and you feel like you're on a journey with those people that you connect with. So when you lose, you lose together, and when you win, you win together." Hamilton tells a story about one of his favorite fan interactions, which isn't really a single instance, but rather a collective memory. "Most fans are so kind to go out of their way. They've either written me a letter, or they're people making bracelets, or people that bring me gifts," he says. "I've got this one really sweet lady, for example, that's traveled to quite a few of the European races, and she keeps turning up and giving me books of poems, and there'll be a book on history, and she would have gone through and put tabs on all the important parts of the book. People are so, so sweet," he continues, "and you feel really bad, because everywhere you go it's like they give, give, give, and you don't. I don't carry around gifts with me, and often I've just come from the airport. So you feel like when someone gives you something, you're supposed to try and give something back, and it always feels like you've not done enough."

Of course, even fairweather fans will tell you Hamilton has done a lot for the sport, breaking barriers as the first-and only-black F1 driver to date, while ushering in a new generation of global superstars, with buzzed-about partnerships with Tommy Hilfiger, Dior, and, yes, Marriott Bonvoy too. Releasing music would elevate him into an even greater stratosphere of stars, and perhaps finally provide him with something tangible to "give back." But Hamilton is also a consummate perfectionist. In his sport races are often decided by mere thousandths of a second, and one tiny error could have your car crashing out. In the same way, he wants to make sure any music he releases can stand on its own, recalling how excited he was when he played his Aguilera duet for friends and they thought it was some "young artist" that had just come out. The whole world knows what Hamilton can do when it comes to F1. If he's going to enter the music industry he wants to be taken just as seriously, to give himself a similar chance to make it to the top. There's still work to be done, Hamilton explains; new sounds to explore, new beats to create, new thoughts to take from pen to tune. So for now, Hamilton is just making music for himself. Maybe he's not ready to release his music to the world just yet, but Hamilton is determined to use his metaphorical microphone to inspire others. As he approaches two decades in the sport, has he started to think about his legacy? "I find legacy talk really awkward, because I don't wake up every day and think of a legacy that I want to leave," he says. "I'm not working towards a legacy. I work towards, ultimately, trying to be the best version of myself, in the hope that the decisions I make, the things I say and the things that I do hopefully have a positive impact on people." I think about what I am going to do with this platform or this microphone that I have, and what I can actually do with the little time that we have on this planet," he continues. And then, he says, "What can I do to leave the world a better place than when I started? I would imagine for all the good people in the world, it's probably what they want to do also, right? That's what I'm thinking about every day."

[callmewrinkles3]

Long story short - DR3 x Fem!OC

Masterlist.

Summary: Summer break 2023 means a trip back to Perth to see how construction is going on the farm and but especially to spend Em’s birthday with family.

Warnings: Mentions of past abusive family dynamics, mentions of sex, past pregnancy loss.

Words: 6k

A/N: Hey hey! We know you’ve missed oneshots so here’s Em’s birthday for you to enjoy. We may have cried multiple times writing this, just very normal. It was pretty great lol. Hope you enjoy it and let us know what you think! All our love, Alex and Cíara.💜

August 2023

The summer break every year - with the exception of 2018 and 2020 - had involved being in the States. It was usually LA and sun for a few days, or a week somewhere in the mountains for Dan to do altitude training to prepare for races like Brazil and Mexico. But that summer things were different. With the farm construction happening fast thanks to the baby’s due date coming so soon, and Blake and Charlie being adorable, the three of them were flying back home to spend the full two weeks of the shutdown in the Australian winter. It was still milder than a European one, Em giggling as the boys changed into thick hoodies before ending the journey that had started in Italy.

Dan wanted to take full advantage of the time off, conspiring with Charlie to plan Em’s thirty third birthday. She knew it was happening and just let him plan it. Even with her dislike of parties she knew Dan wouldn’t go too overboard, so she just laughed and told him to do what he wanted. Having it surrounded by people felt strange. The year before had been just the two of them in their little bubble, and before that it had always been with Dan. She hadn’t had her parents involved since she was ten and had her final birthday party before secondary school. Because she was a summer baby her parents had acted like she didn’t need a party. The kids in school wouldn’t realise there was no party to be invited to.

She insisted it wasn’t necessary to organise anything but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Dan wanted his pregnant wife to be as happy as she could be before the chaos of the last half of the season happened so it was a full thirteen days surrounded by their people before the flight back to Faenza.

Em had to admit that it was a perfect idea. Ever since she’d found out about the pregnancy and told Grace she needed her mother there for all the questions she had. It was a blessing to spend time and to ask the questions she was embarrassed about - even when Michelle butted in and made jokes at her expense. It was there with her family and she felt good. She could call either of them any time that she wanted but it was no substitute for actually being there. She needed the hugs and physical contact that only a mum could give.

What Em had needed the entire time was for the woman who’d promised to love her as her own to wrap her in a cuddle and remind her that everything was going to be fine. That she was going to spend Christmas with her beautiful newborn baby girl. And when Grace said it Em believed it.

They got to spend the two weeks with family and eating good food, being looked after before the world could intervene. That’s what Grace and Joe had always done for Dan and they pulled Em into that world, looking after their kids when they needed it the most.

But the best thing about staying with her in laws and not the building site that was currently their farmhouse was getting to stay in Dan’s childhood bedroom. Grace hadn’t redecorated since he’d left for Italy half his life ago, the old school NASCAR posters on the wall and karting trophies on shelves. The photos of his family and friends were there to surround Dan with reminders of his childhood. Em refused to mention the one of Dan and Michael on their school football team that had disappeared when she was in the shower one morning. She couldn’t ruin their time at home talking about something like that. As far as she was concerned the picture was never there. It was the same way they were all pretending Michael had never been in their lives. Grace and Joe knew better than to ask about him.

That whole situation hurt a little less every day, but it still ached. It was easier when they weren’t in the paddock. The plan was to spend more time in Italy so Dan could be at the factory more where Michael wouldn’t really be. In London and Perth they could avoid his neighbourhood and the places he liked to go. But race weekends it was impossible. They shared the same garage, the same hospitality. They turned left to go into Dan’s driver room at Budapest and Spa and knew that he was the other side of the too flimsy wall having turned right. They could and did run into him at any time. Em wanted to tell him how she was, how the baby was. How his niece was. But Lulu wasn’t going to be his niece. She wasn’t going to even know him. It gutted Em that her brother wasn’t in her life anymore but he’d made his decision and it didn’t hurt as much. But it hurt the most during the parties Dan held in Perth.

The first one was ridiculous and unexpected, held two days after they arrived in Australia. It was part Charlie’s idea and part Dan’s, the decision made between them to celebrate Blake and Em. Neither of them realised that it was happening when they arrived back at the Ricciardos that afternoon. Blake had brought her to take a look at kitchen fittings for the farmhouse, the plan to bring Dan back to look at her top picks before they were put into the rebuilt kitchen. She was getting the kitchen of her dreams and she was taking advantage, copper fittings and marble countertops on the wooden cabinets. There was all the storage she wanted, the plans were ready for her to show Dan and see what he thought. It was their forever home and she couldn’t wait.

She arrived back to Grace and Joe’s to their family there, Charlie’s brother Cal and his boyfriend standing near the back nervously. Blake’s parents had flown out to be there too. Dan stood on a rickety kitchen chair, his hand on Blake’s shoulder to stay steady.

“I’m usually good at saying stuff but this is really hard. The last…the last year or so has been really hard. And there’s two people who could have walked away but didn’t, and this is to make sure they know how loved and appreciated they are. Blake, you’re my brother. You more than anyone else had a reason to yell at me and tell me to get my shit together - sorry Ma.”

“Just this once!” Grace called as Dan collected himself.

“Emmy, you married me and you love me and we’re having a baby and I still don’t know why you decided to stay through everything that was said about you. But you are the best woman I’ve met in my life, and I love you to pieces. You know. But this is just to say thank you to all of you for being there and helping. Cause I wouldn’t be in a seat again without you all.”

It was scattered applause and Em reached for her husband to give him the biggest hug, pulling him tight for a moment as Lulu kicked against him.

“You’re gonna be the best dad, Dan. We love you so much. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

The words were completely true, even with everything that had happened. The emotional and physical pain. The embarrassment being turned away from the paddock in Spa the year before thanks to stupid mind games. The hospital visit and the therapy and the near screaming match with her parents. Because they were home with their baby coming soon and in love. It was hard and worth it.

She spent that day swapping between Isaac and Isabella on her knee, Cal and Ryder taking the other child and playing. The last thing she said to Cal before he left was that Ryder was a keeper, watching the younger man blush. He was a sweetheart like the rest of their family.

Blake and Charlie were the last ones to leave, hugs to everyone the order of the day. Finally they left, Em going nearly straight to bed to sleep thanks to missing her usual afternoon nap.

Em told Dan not to make a huge fuss of her birthday, that a relaxing day would be fine. But she knew really that there was no chance her husband or family would let her birthday pass like that. It was the one day where they could shower her with love and affection without her complaints so they took full advantage.

She woke up that morning to Dan covering her in kisses, pulling her in for slow birthday sex that had them both gasping for breath and desperate to keep quiet. Her husband held her even tighter for a few moments before they got up, Dan leading her to the kitchen where Grace and Joe sang Happy Birthday as she came in. There were pancakes and bacon waiting for her with a candle lit on the top of a lavender iced cupcake. She started tearing up immediately, not even attempting to pretend that it was the pregnancy hormones that caused her emotions. It was happy tears. She was happy and loved and that was what she cared about. She and Dan had made it through, and the joy that morning compared to the worry of the previous year was so different.

It felt like a dream compared to the year before, her husband by her side and she was pregnant with their baby. They were getting everything they wanted and life was good. Nobody was taking this from her and she spent her morning curled up against Dan on the couch as he kept whispering how much he loved her, making her grin and kissing her cheeks with each smile.

Nothing had prepared her for the birthday party that Blake, Charlie, and Dan had prepared for her at the Clarke’s farm. Dan led her into the barn where they’d held their wedding, a shout of “SURPRISE” ringing around the room. She loved it so much, lavender decorations everywhere as their families were all there. She started tearing up of happiness again, tears spilling over as Isaac and Isabella came running over to her yelling “happy birthday Auntie Emmy!”.

She honestly didn’t expect gifts from people. Dan had been the first person to give her gifts just because, but there was a table tucked away in the corner with presents for her to open later. It was insane to her how many there were, everyone saying she could open them later. Charlie’s parents hugged her and pulled a chair out to urge her to sit, Em watching as Isaac and Isabella brought over their presents for her.

The first one that Isaac insisted on her opening had Toy Story wrapping paper, and inside was a huge box with everything she could ever want to make friendship bracelets with. They had a tradition to make new ones every time they were in Perth with the kids, weaving thread and beads together to make cute ones. Isaac explained how he wanted new ones, and he wanted them to make new ones for the baby too.

“They’re gonna be teeny tiny cause the baby’s gonna be like Iz’s dolly, but we need them to have lots so they grow!” He explained to Em, clearly happy to have a new cousin to play with.

“You’re so right, Baby. I love it, thank you! You’re gonna come over at the weekend and we can make some before I go back to Europe?”

With a nod and a kiss on his aunt’s cheek Isaac ran back to his uncle Dan, the promise of getting to go look at the cattle on the farm too alluring. Instead his little sister took his spot on Em’s lap, handing over a box wrapped in lavender unicorn paper. Inside it was a bright pink Barbie box. The doll had brunette hair like Em, complete with a travel set. There was a neck pillow, a suitcase that looked like Em’s own one, and everything else Barbie her could need.

“It’s just like you!” Isabella exclaimed as soon as the paper was ripped away and dumped on the other side of the table. It really did nearly look like her.

“Oh my God, I love it.” She kissed her niece’s curly hair, holding on tightly as Isabella pointed out the phone and camera. “Thank you so, so much, Baby girl. I love it so, so much. It’s the best.”

“Can we play tomorrow?” The little girl asked, looking up with big eyes and an angelic face. It was nearly impossible for Em to say no.

“After school, ok? But then we can, promise. And we’ll have some more cake, but don’t tell your Mum and we’ll make sure to save some for her.”

At the start she didn’t ask why a Barbie doll, it came from her niece and that was what she cared about. But while during the party Isabella kept asking about the baby and patting Em’s tummy, she couldn’t stop wondering why. Once Isabella was safely occupied with one of Charlie’s nieces she decided she had to ask, walking over to her sister in law and getting the words out. As soon as Michelle began to speak Em regretted asking.

“We were in the kitchen and she came to tell me and Mum that you come up with the best stories for the Barbies while you play, but you never had one growing up so you didn’t have a favourite Barbie. She thought because you travel so much Travel Barbie would be your favourite. I couldn’t say no, Em. I’m sorry you never had one.”

Em never thought Isabella would remember that single conversation. It was months ago, the week before her wedding. If she’d realised Isabella would think about it she wouldn’t have said it.

Part of the therapy that Mildred was working on with her was giving her that allowance to be a kid. She’d never gotten to be, but Mildred told her to do the things she wanted to. Spend time with her niece and nephew and play with them. She’d made a bundle of friendship bracelets before seeing Taylor Swift as part of it. So when Isabella asked if she wanted to play Barbies Em said yes immediately.

She and Dan were on babysitting duty, the four of them were downstairs playing with Isaac’s cars. Instead of playing he and Dan had fallen asleep thanks to exhaustion and a sugar crash from the final wedding cake tests. The two girls were alone and Isabella pulled Em upstairs before taking out a Barbie carry case and asking Em to do braids in Skipper’s hair.

It was while Em was twisting the slick strands of plastic hair when Isabella asked her about her favourite Barbie as a kid. She couldn’t tell the truth and break her niece’s childhood. The truth was that her parents thought dolls were ridiculous and she was never allowed to have them growing up, that she had puzzles and non fiction books. Even fiction books had to be by certain authors or she couldn’t read them because they wouldn’t “develop her brain”.

The short answer, the easy one, was “Oh, I didn’t have any Barbies.” Followed by asking if Isabella wanted her hair to match Skippers and a child sitting in Em’s lap to get her french braids put in the subject matter was closed. She was convinced that Isabella had forgotten about it. The next topic of conversation was how pretty her flower girl dress for the wedding was and how she looked “like a fairy princess” in it. But she hadn’t.

Her thoughts were pinned on the topic after she spoke to Michelle. Em went mostly through the motions for the rest of the party, hugging her friends and talking to everyone. Chloe and Scotty made a surprise appearance for her, a giant hug and a promise that Em was coming out with Chloe and Charlie in a couple of days for lunch.

The box with the doll stayed in her hand and all she could imagine was a couple of years time when her daughter started playing with it. She couldn’t imagine having a baby, going through pregnancy and labour to not even want the result. To never really want a baby like her parents never wanted her. Even thinking about her baby girl not having the entire world hurt so much it made her want to cry. It was still four months until she’d arrive and Em and Dan would do anything to keep her safe and love her. Her nursery in London was ready to go, the last thing a photo collage Em wanted to make of all the adults who would love Lulu. The only reason her room in Perth wasn’t ready was because of the construction, but the furniture had been delivered and was sitting in an outbuilding. They already had enough to fill the playroom and the nursery even though Lulu would sleep in their room for the first few months. The travel arrangements were ready to go. They even had Lulu’s luggage all set.

Em had never really understood how someone couldn’t love their own child, but as she counted down the days to her due date it was even harder. She knew there was reasons why, she knew some people weren’t pregnant in good situations. But when she was pregnant and married and had tried for a baby? It was irrational to her that you wouldn’t want that child.

But while the birthday party continued she refused to let herself go there. She wouldn’t let herself think about why her parents were the way they were and how much that hurt. And she definitely wasn’t thinking about how the last time she came home from this room her former best friend had left her life in the most unceremonious of ways. That wasn’t raining on her parade, not today. So she walked over, hugged her husband, whispered how much she loved him and how thankful she was for the wonderful day she was having.

“Remember when you weren’t the party kind and I had to drag you anywhere?” Dan joked, kissing her cheek as she smiled.

“I reckon you were the one who dragged me to different ones ever since we met. But you know me, Dimples. I still don’t like big things much but this? This is nice. These are the ones I like.”

Even at 33 she hated when she was the centre of attention and people sang happy birthday to her. She wasn’t sure if anyone actually liked being surrounded by friends singing off key and out of tune, but for the first time it didn’t feel weird. The people who were around her had been supporting her through every single good and bad moment in the last five years. They loved her no matter how broken or weird she felt. They made sure that she knew how loved she was, no matter what. Every single person had wormed their way into her heart when she’d tried to keep people out. So when the singing ended and she took a deep breath to blow out the birthday candles in one breath she had one wish in her mind. To keep every single person in this room in her life forever.

The winter meant the sun was setting early, exhaustion hitting Em hard. She’d needed naps more and more since she’d become pregnant and this was the second time in a week that she hadn’t had one. After her third yawn and as the kids were getting cranky they all decided to head home. It took Dan to make her sit down and not help clear up, Charlie’s parents half shooing them out of the barn warning that the cleaning was sorted, to go home and rest. Joe drove them back, Grace in the front seat as Em rested her head against Dan’s shoulder and half dozed while the other three made conversation in low tones.

Her husband had to shake her to wake her up when they got back to the house, Em stretching as she undid her belt. It was tempting to stay and sleep in the car, but her back was sore enough after a night in a comfy bed. Sitting up in a car would be worse.

Dan didn’t want to wake her when they arrived back at the house, but it was safer for her to get out of the car on her own instead of Dan lifting her out. He helped her up and closed the door behind her.

“Did you have a good day, Kiddo?” Joe asked a half awake Em as they walked back into the house. Dan’s arm was around her waist to help keep her up and stop her from tripping up with tiredness.

“Best birthday of my life. You didn’t need to do it, but thank you for doing it for me.”

“It’s what you deserve, Darling,” Grace insisted. Her mother in law pushed a kiss to her forehead before Dan brought Em up to bed.

Before they made it into their room Dan dragged her into the bathroom, getting Em to sit on the toilet as he took her makeup off fully and helped rub her moisturiser in. She was too tired to do it, almost deciding to just sleep without washing her face. But as delicately as possible Dan wiped it off, using crouching in front of her as an excuse to stroke her cheek and steal kisses from his wife.

Once they were ready to go to bed Dan lifted her off the toilet and across the hallway to deposit her on the bed, Em giggling at his actions. It didn’t take long for him to pull her dress and leggings off, replacing them with clean underwear and one of his old, worn shirts that was soft enough for Em. She laughed as he kept stealing kisses from her as he pulled the shirt over her bump, rubbing gently

“I’m lazy and sleepy but I can still change my clothes on my own, Babe.”

“You know very well that I love undressing you. Even if you actually have to wear something to bed because we’re at home.”

If they were in the apartment or even on the farm they wouldn’t be wearing anything. The skin to skin contact in bed always made Em relax and help her sleep better but considering they were at Dan’s parents they had to be semi decent. Em wore one of his shirts and Dan would at least keep his underwear on. Even when he complained more than once.

“Any excuse to see me naked, right?” Em smiled before kissing his cheek and finally laying down to be able to rest. “C’mon Dimples, your wifey is exhausted. Come to bed.”

She patted the mattress beside her to wait for Dan to crawl into the bed and she could get into his arms. She knew it’d take him longer to fall asleep than her. Every night since she’d gotten that positive pregnancy test he’d started his own little night time ritual of telling the baby a story while kissing and stroking her bump. He wasn’t joking about wanting to be a hands on dad, so since day one he did everything in his power to connect with their baby. It didn’t matter how long was left until she was in his arms, he wanted his daughter to know who her daddy was from day one.

From all the things he did or could do those five or ten minutes as they wound down for bed were some of his favourite of the day. Most nights Em stayed awake listening to what her husband was saying while she read. Other nights like this one she fell asleep easily and left her loves to have their late night chats.

“Before I get in I have one last thing for you.” Dan pulled a colourful Happy Birthday gift bag that was hidden in the bottom drawer of the wardrobe. “I know you’re going to say I’ve given you too many gifts, but it’s your birthday and our anniversary so birthaversary rules mean I get to spoil you. If you let me I’d spoil you every day. I’m so lucky to get to love you and be your husband. I couldn’t say this earlier cause I’d start crying, but I just…thanks, Emmy. I couldn’t do any of this without you. And you’ve made me the happiest man in the world. I love you.”

“I love you too, Danny. So much. Marrying you is the best thing I ever did. And this better not be lingerie that won’t fit me anymore.” He laughed at her words and handed over the bag, sitting up beside her in the bed. It was six years of being around Dan, of him getting overexcited and determined to spoil her rotten at all times. She’d jokingly complain about how he got her too much, but he was like that for everyone. She learned to get used to how Dan showed his love with gifts and making life easier for people. This was another one of those occasions so she sat up on the bed with a pillow supporting her back, looking at her husband as he smiled.

“You’re the hottest mama in the world, Baby girl. But no, it’s nothing like that. Just open it, ok?”

The second Em opened the bag and saw the stuffed crocodile inside she started crying. Pregnancy hormones couldn’t be blamed for these tears.

When she was three her parents brought her on a trip to a holiday camp in Wales. She barely remembered any of it apart from a little playground beside the pub there, but it was the kind of place that was where they could take her for a weekend to prove how normal they were. An hour from Liverpool, two nights and enough photos to prove they took their daughter away on holiday.

One of the few things she did remember was how much she loved Captain Croc, the crocodile mascot that wandered around. They’d gotten her a teddy, the first one she remembered having. He was vivid green and yellow, blue dungarees with yellow interlocking Cs and big white eyes. He was her comfort toy, hugging him in her tiny arms and bringing him everywhere until she started primary school.

She thought she remembered the feeling of having a new best friend to play with and make up games. Now she knew it was probably her brain trying to make a memory to help her cope with a messed up childhood.

The one definite memory that Em did have was how thirty years later she watched her husband tear up as he looked at a photo of her tiny self holding Captain Croc. Dan held it together until they made it back to the hotel after they left her parents house with the final box of things she was taking. Once they were in that room he started sobbing because he didn’t understand how nobody was there to hold that little girl and tell her how perfect she was. He sobbed because he knew that it was one of the few really happy moments she had in her early childhood. Not that she realised that it should have been better then.

But above all Dan sobbed because that’s what their baby might have looked like. It was the week after she should have had their first baby. They should have been parents. Imagining how their baby could have been hurt like that by anyone cut him to the core and he sobbed in Em’s arms as she held him and promised that they would do better. They would make sure their baby was so loved. She was used to the casual cruelty of her own parents, the way they used words as weapons. Dan who’d never known anything but support and love didn’t understand it.

This teddy meant more than just a gift from her husband to remind her of a bright spot in her life. It was the reminder of slowly healing wounds that still weren’t fully scabbed over. That photo had opened them up more again, and the teddy reminded her more. The day she told Dan the story he held her as they both sobbed. He’d have done anything to have a little girl who looked just like his Emmy. Anything to see his Emmy holding their mini me baby but life was unfair and cruel. Instead of holding their baby that day they held each other, promising that one day it was going to happen. They were going to get to have their family and be happy, no matter what.

But in the final hours of her birthday, thirty one years after she first held her teddy, Em started sobbing again. She had no idea how Dan had found an exact copy of the Captain Croc she’d loved so much but he did. Hers was too delicate, kept in a box in the apartment in London to be shown to her kids as a memento. But he’d found a brand new one, making child and adult Em sob with happiness.

“I knew that a certain little lady wanted to give you a Barbie because you never had one, so I thought that Barbie could do with having a friend. And in a couple of years when our little lady is able to she’ll want to play with them too.” Dan helped Em pull him out of the bag. It should have been easy but her hands were shaking so badly that she couldn’t get him out fully.

The adrenaline and relief flowing through her body made her shake like a leaf in Dan’s arms. Em didn’t know how she had gotten this lucky. She had friends who flew hours to see her for her birthday, a family who loved her enough to make a big deal of her. And the most loving and caring husband in the world. She still didn’t know what she did to deserve it and get it, but she was so thankful for it. It was yet another day where even with everything that had happened, even with the way her parents acted and her family was it was worth it because she had Dan. She’d have done it over and over if this was the result. She was married to the love of her life, she was having their baby, and they were happier than she thought possible.

It took longer than she expected to calm down her sobs, Dan holding onto her tightly. He ran his hand against her back, whispering how much he loved her in between pressing kisses to her face and head. It was whispers of how proud he was of her, how much he loved her, how wonderful she was. And most importantly how he knew that their baby loved her already.

“Marrying you a year ago was the best decision of my entire life, you know that, right?” Em whispered, her voice still shaking with sobs. “Y’know, right?”

“I know. We’re still a couple of hours away from exactly a year.” Dan checked his watch, it was ten in Perth, two in London. This time a year ago he was waiting for Em to come back and pick out wedding rings with him before their four pm appointment.

“Happy anniversary, my Love. It was the best idea we ever had.”

Her birthday overshadowed the fact that it was their first wedding anniversary. A year ago they were running around London, Em buying her wedding dress in Marks and Spencer as Dan wore a suit she loved him in. The two of them standing in the registry office in Kensington and promising to love each other, desperate to keep the other happy and get through the next few months together.

It was hard to believe that 365 days had passed since she finally became Mrs Ricciardo. She loved it. She’d loved being his wife every single day, even the horrible ones. It was a year where she’d woken up at her husband’s side every single morning and she could never take it for granted.

“Happy anniversary, Baby girl. You and our little one here are the greatest things that ever happened to me,” Dan whispered as he pulled her up, close enough to finally give Em a kiss while he rubbed her bump.

“Happy anniversary, Danny. Here, for you.” Em reached across and pulled the wrapped package out from under the bed. She’d been wracking her brain about what to get him, but in the end it was an easy decision. Dan opened it quickly, Em watching as he realised what it was.

Traditionally the first anniversary was paper, and she found someone on Etsy who made star charts of the night sky on important dates. It was the sky above London the night they met, Monaco the first night they spent together, Spa when they said they loved each other for the first time, and London when they’d got married. The poster was their important moments highlighted and she saw the grin spread across his face.

“You are amazing. Thank you. This is…it’s everything.” He put it to the side as he pulled her in, holding her as she began to lull to sleep.

“You know what’s crazy? Next year we’re gonna be celebrating our birthdays and anniversaries with her.”

“That’s all I want. The three of us snuggled up together doing nothing all day.”

Em couldn’t help but smile, imagining how it would be to wake up with their baby and her husband right there. No plans needed except spending the day with the loves of her life. She didn’t want anything else and it felt greedy to even consider asking to get anything else. She got to marry her Dan and love him openly, and their baby was strong and healthy and growing. It was more than she could have imagined.

“We’ll cuddle and eat cake. She better like lemon drizzle. I mean I’ll settle for chocolate fudge if I have to.”

“She might not. I mean I’ve been eating it so much she might hate it. Or she’ll be obsessed.”

“Lulu’s half you, Emmy. She’s obsessed already I think.” Em laughed at his tone, curling into Dan.

“Can I sleep like this?” She asked, hiding her face against Dan’s chest. She felt ridiculous holding Captain Croc in her arms as she could feel sleep hitting her while her husband was holding her tightly. But she felt just as defenceless as the little girl in the photos. The big difference between the Em of thirty years ago was that now there were people who looked after her and hugged her on the bad days. Who made sure she was eating and cared for. She’d never had someone love her unconditionally like that until Dan was in her life.

“Anything you want, birthday girl.”

Em’s wishes were Dan’s commands, so she fell asleep in her husband’s arms, head on his chest as her teddy was between them with Dan’s low whispers to their baby echoing in her ears. It might be immature, a grown woman and soon to be mother getting that comfort, but she wanted and needed it. The rest didn’t matter. She and Dan were happy and that was what was important.

—

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[milligramspoison]

List of FOB songs that can possibly be magic 8 ball songs at some point

Evening Out With Your Girlfriend

Honorable Mention - last performed on January 22nd, 2007

Switchblades and Infidelity - last performed on August 28th, 2004

Pretty In Punk - has never been performed live (yet)

Growing Up - last performed on November 7th, 2008

The World’s Not Waiting (For Five Tired Boys In A Broken Down Van) - has never been performed live (yet)

Short, Fast, And Loud - has never been performed live (yet)

Moving Pictures - last performed on November 23rd, 2005

Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (But I’m Gonna Give It My Best Shot) - has never been performed live (yet)

Take This To Your Grave

Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things to Do Today - last performed on July 30th, 2013

Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here) - had its only live performance ever on March 12th, 2004

The Pros and Cons of Breathing - had its only live performance ever on November 19th, 2007

Grenade Jumper - last performed on February 20th, 2009

Reinventing the Wheel to Run Myself Over - last performed on November 19th, 2007

My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to My Tongue

My Heart is the Worst Kind of Weapon - has never been performed live (yet)

It’s Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine, I Think It Must Be Love - has never been performed live (yet)

Love Will Tear Us Apart (cover) - had its only live performance ever on June 10th, 2004

From Under The Cork Tree

Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued - last performed on March 23rd, 2008

7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen) - last performed on January 4th, 2007

Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends - has never been performed live (yet)

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part to Save the Scene and Stop Going to Shows) - had its only live performance ever on May 6th, 2006

XO - last performed on December 2nd, 2007

Snitches and Talkers Get Stitches and Walkers - has never been performed live (yet)

The Music or the Misery - last performed on August 12th, 2006

(Note: I didn’t include I’ve Got A Dark Alley as Pete has said that song will never be performed live)

Infinity on High

Don't You Know Who I Think I Am? - last performed on December 2nd, 2007

The Carpal Tunnel of Love - last performed on April 4th, 2008

You’re Crashing, But You’re No Wave - has never been performed live (yet)

It’s Hard to Say “I Do”, When I Don’t - has never been performed live (yet)

Folie à Deux

The (Shipped) Gold Standard - has never been performed live (yet)

Tiffany Blews - last performed on September 19th, 2009

w.a.m.s. - has never been performed live (yet)

20 Dollar Nose Bleed - last performed on September 29th, 2013

West Coast Smoker - has never been performed live (yet)

Pavlove - has never been performed live (yet)

Lullabye - last performed on April 26th, 2009

Believers Never Die: Greatest Hits

Alpha Dog - has never been performed live (yet)

“From Now On We Are Enemies” - has never been performed live (yet)

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out - last performed on December 18th, 2013

Save Rock and Roll

Alone Together - last performed on November 17th, 2017

Just One Yesterday - last performed on September 12th, 2014

The Mighty Fall - has never been performed live (yet)

Miss Missing You - last performed on January 14th, 2015

Death Valley - last performed on September 12th, 2014

Young Volcanoes - last performed on May 7th, 2018

Rat A Tat - has never been performed live (yet)

PAX•AM Days

We Were Doomed from the Start (The King Is Dead) - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Art of Keeping Up Disappearances - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Hot to the Touch, Cold On the Inside - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Love, Sex, Death - last performed on June 14th, 2014

Eternal Summer - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Demigods - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

American Made - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Caffeine Cold - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

New Dreams (cover) - had its only live performance ever on September 13th, 2013

American Beauty / American Psycho

Jet Pack Blues - last performed on May 7th, 2018

Novocaine - last performed on March 27th, 2017

Fourth of July - last performed on March 22nd, 2017

Twin Skeleton’s (Hotel in NYC) - has never been performed live (yet)

Mania

Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea - last performed August 18th, 2019

HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T - last performed May 7th, 2018

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) - last performed November 4th, 2018

Church - last performed April 30th, 2018

Heaven's Gate - has never been performed live (yet)

Champion - last performed on December 6th, 2019

Sunshine Riptide - has never been performed live (yet)

Young And Menace - last performed on October 10th, 2018

Bishops Knife Trick - has never been performed live (yet)

LLAMANIA

Past Life - has never been performed live (yet)

Footprints in the Snow - has never been performed live (yet)

Wrong Side of Paradise - has never been performed live (yet)

Lake Effect Kid

Lake Effect Kid - last performed on October 10th, 2018

City In A Garden - has never been performed live (yet)

Super Fade - has never been performed live (yet)

Believers Never Die, Volume Two - Greatest Hits

Dear Future Self (Hands Up) - last performed on December 6th, 2019

Bob Dylan - has never been performed live (yet)

So Much (For) Stardust

So Good Right Now - has never been performed live (yet)

I Am My Own Muse - has never been performed live (yet)

Flu Game - has never been performed live (yet)

So Much (For) Stardust - has never been performed live (yet)

[billboard-hotties-tourney]

Aretha Franklin (1942-2018) solo Songs: "Think," "Respect" Defeated Opponents: Sylvie Vartan, Clara Rockmore, Carmen Miranda, Mercedes Sosa, Diana Ross Propaganda: "The Blues Brothers should have taken her with them instead of her husband. big mistake there." "Aretha deserves all the Respect"

Dolly Parton (1946-) solo Songs: "Jolene," "I Will Always Love You" Defeated Opponents: Alice Coltrane, Ruth Brown, Patti Smith, Linda Ronstadt, Donna Summer Propaganda: "One of the best country (and any) musicians to grace us with her talents for decades! A bimbo with a brain and we love her! Beyoncé and Whitney Houston covered her songs. This woman supports women! And literacy! But also her voice is one of a kind and she knows how to command any stage she's on." "She's one of the world's best-selling musicians and she's an actress! Shes's also an advocate for LGBT rights, gives money to HIV/AIDS research, and many more causes. She donates one book per month to every kid born in Tennessee up until they're 5 years old. She put a lot of money into COVID research. Her large chest is so well-known that it's been written about in songs, military tanks have been named after her, and Dolly the cloned sheep shares her name. Also, she apparently wrote Jolene and Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You in the same day!" "She's adorable. She's funny. She smart and business savvy enough that she would probably be a billionaire if she wasn't also a genuinely wonderful human being who gives tons and tons of money away to various charities and causes. She's so supportive of younger artists and artists of color and the queer community. She's always so gracious and genuinely excited when new artists cover her songs. She's the best thing to ever come from the state of Tennessee and I love her entirely. We do not deserve her but I'm glad we have her."

Visual Propaganda for Aretha Franklin:

Visual Propaganda for Dolly Parton:

[voidvannie]

꒰ఎ KAELYN BURROW ━━━━ NONSENSE AU

ᥫ᭡𓆪┊GET TO KNOW KAELYN !

┍                                      ┑

⋆✩⋆ ─── meet kaelyn

┖                                      ┙

kaelyn’s proflie ─── ⋆✩⋆

୨୧ Full Name ─── Kaelyn Jo-Anne Burrow ୨୧ Nicknames ─── Kae, KJ, Jojo, Little Burrow, Baby B ୨୧ Date of Birth ─── May 11, 2003 ୨୧ Hometown ─── Ames, Iowa ୨୧ Family ─── Joe Burrow ୨୧ Face Claim ─── Sabrina Carpenter

୨୧ Favorite Animal ─── Kittens ୨୧ Favorite Drink ─── Water, Mountain Dew ୨୧ Favorite Food ─── Chicken nuggets ୨୧ Favorite Celebrity ─── Ja'Marr Chase ୨୧ Favorite Movie ─── Legally Blonde ୨୧ Favorite Color ─── Red ୨୧ Favorite Season ─── Winter ୨୧ Favorite Holiday ─── Halloween

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪┊EXTRA FACTS!

୨୧ she's super close with joe despite the seven-year age difference. ୨୧ joe is super proud of all of her hard work and dedication in everything that she does. ୨୧ the entire bangles team buys her merch and listens to her music in the locker room even if they don't admit it to anyone. ୨୧ growing up, she wanted to be famous so bad that she begged her parents to let her audition for acting gigs, and later she started putting out music. ୨୧ she lives on her own out in la, but she has her own bedroom at joe's house in cincinnati for when she visits or just wants to get away for a while. ୨୧ her and olivia are absolute best friends and it warms joe's heart to have two of the most important women in his life being so close to one another. ୨୧ even though her brother plays in the nfl, she's a huge nhl fan, but most specifically she's a jersey devil's fan. ୨୧ her best friend is joey king. ୨୧ she loves anything sweet, but she's a big sucker for donuts. ୨୧ she's not a real blonde but keeps up with dying her hair because she doesn't like her original hair color. ୨୧ she calls joe almost every day but she'll call him more than once when she's really missing her brother. ୨୧ she dated her girl meets world costar, tanner buchanan, in 2016 before the two split in 2018 on mutual terms. ୨୧ during the summer, when she's not on tour, she's spending time at the lake house with the boys, but she leaves early to make sure she sees her brother before their schedules get hectic. ୨୧ she will NOT eat mcdonald's, she's told herself that she can't have it and she's sticking to it. ୨୧ she prefers waffles over pancakes and cupcakes over cake. ୨୧ she's allergic to nuts and makes sure to keep her epipen with her at all times. ୨୧ joe is her emergency contact so the one time in the summer where she accidently eats something with nuts (the boys at the lake house freaking out during) he jumps on the first flight to michigan just to check on her. ୨୧ she doesn't keep in touch with any of her girl meets world co-stars, but she has kept in contact with corey (her closest male friend) and sometimes she's seen commenting on peyton meyers instagram. ୨୧ she hates her middle name and knows she's in trouble when her parents (and even joe) call her by her first and middle name. ୨୧ she has a small butterfly tattoo behind her ear that she got matching with olivia. ୨୧ she has a necklace that was given to her from ja'marr chase for her birthday with a diamond encrusted plaque of her name that she never takes off. ୨୧ to add to the necklace from ja'marr, she had a shorter necklace that has jacks' initials hanging from it that he gave her that she also hardly ever takes off.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪┊KAELYN & JACK'S TIMELINE!

୨୧ in 2021, she was on james cordan where she played 'spill your guts' and admitted to having a thing for new jersey devil's player, jack hughes. ୨୧ after the episode aired, everyone on the internet freaked out, making sure to tag the devil's center player in everything. ୨୧ jack was seen commenting on her instagram just a few days after the episode aired. ୨୧ joe, being the overprotective big brother that he is, made sure he did his research on the hockey plater before approving of them. ୨୧ their relationship was confirmed in june of 2021 when he posted pictures of her from a concert he went to while she was on tour with the caption, "my girl❤️". ୨୧ jack's family adores kaelyn, her and luke ending up being the best of friends due to being the same age.

[writingonleaves]

will you take a moment? promise me this (that you'll stand by me forever) - the blue au

universe: the blue au (clementine sandoval x hughes brothers x nico hischier)

warnings: swearing, mentions of death, more sadness than i intended originally, mentions of covid during one particular part, so so much fluff!!

title + based on: "long live" by taylor swift, "i'll always remember you" by hannah montana, "ribs" by lorde, "vienna" by billy joel, "home" by edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros and "a letter to my younger self" by ambar lucid. title from "long live"

word count: 14k

author's note: graduation / draft moments that technically take place before the first installment. though you should read the first part for context if you haven't yet! romance who? we ride and die with found family. i def made myself cry a few times writing this. happy american thanksgiving to all those who celebrate. hold your family and loved ones close. hope you all enjoy and please let me know what you think <3

2018 - dallas, texas 

i wish you love, i wish you luck

for you, the world just opens up

- “i’ll always remember you” by hannah montana

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dallas. The time is currently 12:26 p.m. and the current temperature outside is a very toasty 91 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Clementine tunes out after that. 91 degrees? She’s gonna die when she gets out of the airport. 

As soon as she exits the plane, she follows the signs to the baggage claim, waiting for her luggage that isn’t only for this next week, but is for the entire summer as well before she returns to UCLA in the fall. After the draft, she’s heading back to Massachusetts to work in a clinic for the summer. 

Fuck, she just had her last final three days ago. She feels like it never stops. Sometimes she wishes it would. 

But she shakes her head to herself, watching as her bag comes closer. None of that now. She’s about to celebrate one of her favorite people making their dream come true. She smiles to herself as she wheels her suitcase and adjusts the straps of her backpack, not quite running but pretty close to it as she walks through the arrivals terminal of Dallas Fort Worth International Airport. 

“Clementine!” She whips her head over to see Ellen’s unmistakable blonde hair and wide smile, waving enthusiastically. Next to her is Maeve, her own mother with a more subdued smile, her carry-on suitcase beside her. They had scheduled their flights so that they’d land around the same time. To Clementine’s absolute delight, she sees Jack and Luke right before Luke comes flying at her. 

“Oof,” she groans as Luke hugs her tightly, burying his head into her shoulder. “God. You need to stop growing.”

“Never,” he mutters into her neck before letting go with a bright smile. “Hi Clemmy!”

She grins back. “Hi Lukey. I’ve missed you.”

“My turn!” She laughs as Jack shoves his brother aside and sways her around. He messed up her hair before pulling away. “I’m so pumped you’re here.”

“Me too, Jackson.” Both moms finally get to where they are and she hugs Ellen before hugging her own mother. “When did you land?”

“About an hour ago.”

Clementine cringes. “Yeah, we were delayed back at LAX. Sorry.”

Ellen waves her apology away as they start heading out of the airport, Jack grabbing her suitcase and Luke grabbing Maeve’s. “No worries. We’re just excited you both are here.”

“El, we wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Maeve says. And her mom’s right, Clementine thinks. Quinn’s getting drafted into the NHL. She can’t remember a time when this wasn’t his dream. 

“How have you been? How’s college?” Jack asks. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever.”

“We literally all FaceTimed last week,” Luke says while avoiding Jack’s slap. 

“It’s not the same,” Jack whines. Clementine rolls her eyes at his tone, but he kinda has a point. FaceTimes and texts are never the same as their in-person debriefs, which have become fewer and more in-depth since all four of them are in different-ish places now (though Jack and Luke technically still live under the same roof and Quinn isn’t that far). 

Clementine feels a pang in her heart, knowing that the amount of debriefs will only get fewer and fewer as the years go on. 

“College is good,” she automatically squints against the sun the second they get outside. “Same old, same old. Didn’t fail any classes somehow, which is always a win.”

Ellen snorts. “Honey, you’re literally the smartest girl I know. I don’t think failing is in your vocabulary.”

“No, literally.” Luke adds. 

“Aw, not true. Thank you, but not true. And this weekend isn’t about me.” Clementine whips out her arm in front of Jack’s front so that he doesn’t get run over by a car. “I didn’t expect to see you two until dinner.”

Jack shrugs. “We were gonna tag along with Dad, but we already did to some of his stuff yesterday and it was so boring.”

Clementine snorts. “Well, he’s technically kind of working this weekend, no?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it would be that boring,” Jack says. 

“You two better get used to it then,” she swings an arm around both Jack and Luke’s shoulders. “Especially you, Jacky. This is gonna be you next year.”

Jack groans, but Clementine knows he secretly loves it. “Ugh. Don’t remind me. You’re gonna be here, right?”

“Where?”

“Next year. At the draft.”

“What? Of course I will.” How dare he think differently? “And whenever Luke’s is. You guys are silly for thinking otherwise.”

“But what if you’re too busy saving lives?”

“It doesn't matter where I am. I’ll be there,” Clementine promises, as they all climb into the car. 

“Clem’s right, boys.” Maeve says, turning around from the passenger seat as Ellen starts the engine. “You can’t get rid of us that easily.” Luke responds by putting his chin on Maeve’s shoulder as she reaches up to tap his cheek fondly. “Have you all gotten the chance to see Quinn much?”

“Here and there,” Ellen says. “Media and last minute meetings with teams have been keeping him busy though.”

Clementine has naturally always known more about the hockey world than the average person purely from her circumstances, but within the last month or so — mostly when she’s been procrastinating on studying for final exams — she’s been poking around online to see people’s pre-draft predictions. Obviously, she knows they’re just speculations, but she wanted to get an idea of what the general world has been thinking of Quinn. She thinks he’s the best at everything, but she’s aware she’s incredibly biased. 

She hasn’t really talked to Quinn, or the other two, about it, knowing that it’s all they’ve been thinking or hearing about and there’s no use adding onto the noise. But Clementine wants to be prepared. From her research, people have Quinn going to places from Arizona to Vancouver to Ottawa. She’s seen Detroit a good amount. One or two said New York or Chicago. 

But at the end of the day, truly, it doesn't matter. For her at least. He’s getting drafted into the National Hockey League and Clementine brought two waterproof mascaras to prepare. 

“God, El.” Maeve puts a hand on her best friend’s shoulder. “You must be so proud.”

“It’s definitely a big week,” Ellen says. Jack puts his head on Clementine’s shoulder because she somehow ended up in the middle seat. But she doesn’t shove him off like she usually would. 

Every time she sees these boys — this family — again, she feels more grateful to have them.

“Thanks for picking us up,” Clementine says. “You really didn’t have to.”

“Oh, it was nothing.” Ellen says. “Now tell us about college, honey. Only one more year to go! Well, of undergrad at least.”

…..

Later that night, they’re about to go inside a nice restaurant for dinner when Clementine squeals, launching herself at Quinn. She feels his laughter as she squeezes tight and she holds on longer than normal. 

“Hey Clem,” he says. 

She pulls back and smiles, before hugging him again. “Hi Q.”

“It’s so good to see you,” he says, as Clementine lets go to let him hug Maeve, who sways him. Clementine thinks she sees her mother’s eyes water. 

Clementine turns to beam at Jim. “Hi Jimmy!”

“Hey sunshine,” he says with a laugh, hugging her and kissing her on the cheek. “Glad you and your mom made it.”

“Of course.” They all file into the restaurant and take their seats. She sits inbetween Quinn and Ellen with Jack directly across from her. She narrows her eyes when he kicks her foot and purposefully avoids her eye contact. 

She turns to Quinn with a wide smile. “Look at you. You’re such a star.”

Quinn laughs nervously. “What are you talking about?”

“We’re here. In Dallas. To watch you get drafted. This is a big deal!”

“Are you gonna cry?” Luke teases. 

Clementine snorts. “Of course I am. Stupid question, Lukey. I’m gonna be crying all weekend.” She wraps an arm around Quinn and leans in for a side hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to come to see you play at Michigan this year. I’ll try my best next season.”

“What?” Quinn asks, genuinely confused. “It’s okay. I-I didn’t expect you to. You’re busy at school.”

She shrugs, thanking the waitress for pouring out her glass of water before turning back to Quinn. “I want to, though. Jack and Luke and even Trevor keep texting me that I need to come to one.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Quinn says. And Clementine knows he means it too, the sweet boy. “I’m serious. You already stream the games and that’s completely unnecessary.”

“Sorry I want to support my best friend slash brother.”

Quinn pouts, “Well now I feel like an asshole.”

Clementine just smirks as everyone looks over the menu.

Dinner is simply wonderful. The food is yummy but the company is even better, as she finds herself laughing loudly at all of Ellen’s classic stories and Maeve bouncing off of her old friend seamlessly. Clementine just giggles under her breath as she watches Jim sit there in amusement and sometimes exasperation, ordering a second beer before their main courses even come. The boys are the boys, lively as ever and filled with love. The feeling of anticipation and excitement in the air has Clementine just putting her chin on her hand, observing the love around her. 

Her father would’ve loved this. 

As if he knows that she’s about to go too deep in her thoughts, Luke pulls on her ponytail. She shoots him a look as she’s swallowing her bite of gnocchi. “What?”

He beams. “Nothing.”

She rolls her eyes, but smiles nonetheless. Luke will always be her baby, but it’s moments like this when she realizes that he’s growing up so fast. As Quinn laughs at something his dad said and she watches Luke’s eyes drift towards him, she bites her lip. Soon enough, it’ll be Luke in his oldest brother’s shoes seeing what team will draft him. 

She blinks as a hand waves in front of her. “Earth to Clee,” Jack says. 

“What’s up?”

Jack gives her a hopeful look. “Can I try some of your pasta?”

“Cut me a piece of your steak and then we’ll talk.”

…..

The next few days, Clementine and her mom explore Dallas. Ellen, Jack and Luke join them when they can, Jim comes on the rare time that he doesn’t have meetings and Quinn is just too busy to join at all. Clementine’s surprised Ellen, Jack and Luke are even tagging along with them. But she welcomes it. 

Until Jack is nudging her way too close to the edge of the sidewalk and she stumbles. Luke just laughs and both Ellen and Maeve don’t see it because they’re walking up ahead. Assholes. 

The day of the draft comes quickly, and her and her mom are staying in the same hotel the Hughes family is. They get ready right after lunch, as Maeve and Clementine take charge of being the communication liaison for the rest of the Hughes family who’s here on this special day to let Ellen and Jim handle what they need to. Ever since the day Ellen introduced Maeve to her family, Maeve’s become one of them. Clementine smiles as she watches Geegs, Ellen’s mom, and her mom hug, opening her own arms happily when it’s her turn. 

“Hi Sweetie.”

“Hi Geegs,” she lets the older woman place her hands on her cheeks. 

“You look more like your father the older you get. Beautiful.”

Clementine swallows as she reaches up to squeeze her pseudo-grandma’s wrists, before turning to greet the various other family members. Most of them she knows, some she doesn’t. Many she hasn’t seen since she went to college. 

She volunteers to wait downstairs for everyone to come while her mom makes a few trips to and from the hotel room where Ellen, Jim, Quinn, Jack and Luke are. Once she’s 99% sure everyone is at the hotel, she makes the trip up to the room herself. In the elevator mirror, she glances at her outfit. A blush pink wrap dress with white heeled sandals. She’s decided to keep her hair down, a hair elastic around her wrist that will no doubt be used the second she steps outside into the Dallas heat. Earrings that Ellen gave her for her 18th birthday are dangling from her ears.

And of course, the three friendship bracelets tied around her left wrist. They don’t match any part of her outfit, but it doesn’t matter. She rubs over them with her right thumb as the elevator door opens. 

When she knocks on the door, it’s swung open immediately by one of their many cousins. Emily, who can’t be more than five years old, immediately wraps her arms around Clementine’s legs.

Clementine laughs, maneuvering carefully so that she can shut the door behind her before bending down to fully hug the girl. “Hi Em.”

“Hi Clee!”

“How are you?” Clementine stands back up. “You look so pretty.”

“Thank you,” Emily reaches out to tug at Clementine’s hand and she obliges. “Everyone’s been looking for you.”

“Really?” Clementine asks skeptically as she follows the young girl down the short hallway.

“Well, maybe just me.” They come to a stop and there’s a big call of her name echoed throughout the room. Clementine smiles bashfully. The Hughes extended family has always been nice to her, but this isn’t her day. She eyes the camera out of the corner of her eye and blinks.

Sometimes she forgets that the three boys she calls her brothers have outside attention on them. Which is dumb, because duh. But she forgets they’re not just… Quinny, Jacky and Lukey. 

Though today, out of all days, nothing will let her forget. She thinks she’s okay with that. 

The sound of Luke calling out her name puts her a bit more at ease. “I was starting to think you got lost.” She rolls her eyes, ignoring him as she gets pulled into hugs. 

She eventually stops in front of her mother, who just raises an eyebrow and lowers her voice. “You have the cufflinks?”

She nods, blindly reaching into her purse and feeling around for her small gift for Quinn. “Yeah. I’ll give it to him when he starts getting dressed.”

Jim, who overhears the exchange between mother and daughter, eyes them suspiciously. “Cufflinks? Mae, you already got him-”

“Not from me,” Maeve sings with a mischievous smile. “Technically, this one is all Clem.” Jim rolls his eyes as Clementine smiles innocently, before she gets pulled into a conversation with Lara, one of the aunts. 

She notices immediately when Quinn is ducking into the attached bedroom to change and quickly scurries in his direction. She stops in the doorway, watching as Quinn starts unzipping the garment bag that’s holding the suit that Maeve gifted him for this very day. “You have a second?” Clementine says. 

Quinn turns around quickly with a small smile. “Of course.” Clementine walks in and reaches into the outside pocket, taking out the small black pouch. Immediately, Quinn is shaking his head. “Clem, no.”

“You don’t even know what it is!”

“I don’t have to. Clem, the fact that you’re here and I’m wearing a suit your mom made me. That’s enough. That’s more than enough.”

Clementine pouts, “It’s never enough. Open it.” With a skeptical look, he carefully takes the pouch for her hands and opens it. He gently lays the cufflinks out on the palm of his hand. They’re silver, a Q and an H written out in cursive on each. “It’s nothing too crazy, but-”

“It’s perfect,” Quinn breathes out. He closes his fest and looks up, pulling Clementine into a very tight hug. “Thank you so much.”

She can feel herself starting to tear up. Dammit. “I’m so…god, I don’t know.”

He pulls away and laughs. “You’re already crying?”

“I’m trying not to,” she whines, watching as he puts the cufflinks back into the pouch and places them on a nearby table. She clears her throat. “I’ll let you get ready.”

She smiles at him one last time before turning around to walk out of the room. “Clem?” He says. 

She whips her head back around. “Yeah?”

“I love you.” 

She swallows and puts a hand up. “Don’t,” she says, trying to keep her voice steady. He laughs and she laughs with him. “I love you too, Quinny. So much.”

He nods and she leaves the room and enters the other bedroom. Immediately, she’s met with Jack. He takes one look at her watery eyes and cackles. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Jack’s eyes widen as he clasps his watch around his wrist. “Little ears!”

“You’re a big boy. You can handle it.” She sits down on the edge of the bed across from him, eyeing his formal attire. Only his blazer is missing. She softens. “You look great.”

Jack beams. “Thanks, Clee! You do too.”

“You think?” She says playfully, smoothing down her dress. 

“Yes,” he says genuinely, causing her to look at him. “You look beautiful.”

She just smiles, making grabby hands at him. Jack obliges, collapsing into her for a tight hug that has a tear falling down Clementine’s face. A few other ones slip out as Luke walks in and immediately wraps himself around the two. 

The ride to the arena is quick, Maeve in charge of driving her daughter, Aunt Lara, Uncle Rich and Emily. Once they’re parked, Maeve sees a text from Ellen saying that that the Hughes family who were riding on the bus also just got there and asks if she and Clementine can meet them for a second before they all go their separate ways — the Hughes family to their spots and the others to the designed family and friends area on the other side of the arena. Maeve furrows her eyebrows, muttering about what her old friend could possibly want, but obliges.

Clementine hears the crowd before she sees them, knowing that Quinn is somewhere in the thrall. Before Clementine and Maeve can be confused about where they go, they see Ellen waving them over. 

“What’s up? Did you forget something?” Maeve asks. 

Ellen shakes her head with a smile. Suspicious. “No. Come on. They just opened the doors.”

“What?” Maeve and Clementine ask in unison as they follow Ellen. 

“Surprise! You two are sitting with us.”

“El-”

“Nope,” Ellen glares at Maeve. “No arguments. Quinn wanted you both with him when his name gets called, and it’s his day, so what he says goes.”

Clementine snorts. Dirty move pulling that. But she knows Ellen knows exactly what she’s doing. 

“Are you sure?” Clementine asks softly. 

Ellen pulls her into a side hug as they walk into the building together. “Of course, honey. You’re family. You know that.”

The only three people who are actually in their seats when the three of them go up to their row are Jack, Luke and Geegs, who all just smile and direct them both to their designated seats — Clementine inbetween Jack and Geegs while Maeve is inbetween Ellen and Jim. Maeve sits on the other side of Geegs, the seat momentarily open and Ellen immediately leaves because she’s getting signaled to do media.

Thank god that she doesn’t have to do that, Clementine thinks. She thinks she’d rather die. 

Clementina takes her seat and narrows her eyes playfully at Jack and Luke. “You little secret keepers.”

Luke laughs as Jack smirks. “Good to see you again.”

“Yeah,” she breathes out, looking around and taking in her surroundings for the first time. “This is bananas.”

“Pretty cool, isn’t it?” Luke says. And yeah, it is cool. And wonderful. But also scary? And Clementine’s not the one being drafted. 

Clementine sees Quinn and the Tkachuk brothers coming up to where they are. She’s only met Brady and Matthew a handful of times, but everytime has been as lovely as the last. Brady is immediately occupied by Jack and Luke so Clementine turns to Matthew, standing up and giving him a quick hug. 

“Hey Clementine. Long time no see,” Matthew says into her ear. 

Clementine chuckles. “Hi Matty. It’s good to see you.”

“You look beautiful. Most stunning woman in the room.”

She rolls her eyes. Fucking charmer. “The flirting didn’t work when we were 17. It’s not gonna work when we’re 20.”

Matthew pouts playfully. “At least I tried.” He smiles genuinely. “You excited? It’s a big day.”

“Yeah. It’s quite something.” They both look at Quinn and Brady and she nudges Matthew. “Big day for you guys too. I bet your parents are excited.”

“Yeah, they are. I’m sure you’ll see them later. Last I heard you were in college?”

“I am. Just finished my junior year at UCLA. One more to go.”

Matthew whistles. “Damn. You still wanna be a doctor?”

“That’s the plan.”

He shakes his head with a smirk. “Smartest Hughes by far.” She just shoves his shoulder playfully.

“Clem!” Brady interrupts them by corralling her into a hug, causing Matthew to almost fall. 

Clementine giggles. “Hey Brady. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Brady beams. Clementine finds him absolutely endearing. 

“Whatever team calls your name is lucky to have you.” Brady just keeps smiling and it’s so damn infectious.

Ellen and Jim return and Brady and Matthew take that as a signal that they should head back to their seats. Clementine smiles as the boys all exchange hugs — Quinn and Brady’s lasting longer than all the others — and settles back into her seat. Geegs offers her a bottle of water and Clementine thanks her with a grin. 

“I’m nervous,” she mutters to Geegs, so the boys can’t hear and make fun of her. 

“Me too, sweetie.” She says, patting her leg in such a grandmotherly way that makes Clementine miss her own. She catches Clementine looking down the row at Jack, Luke and Quinn, in that order and takes her hand to squeeze it. “They’re always gonna need you, you know?”

She whips her head back, Geegs with a light smile on her face. “What do you mean?” Clementine asks. 

“It doesn’t matter what team all three of them will eventually get drafted to, they’re always gonna need their big sister.” 

Immediately, Clementine shakes her head, trying not to fucking cry at an event that has nothing to do with her. “They’ve been doing just fine on their own.”

“Sweetie.” Geegs just says, looking at her with that look. 

And Clementine realizes the last time she saw that look, three years ago, a day before she was on a flight to LA, her father dying nine months prior but it feeling like yesterday. She had broken down in her childhood bedroom in Toronto, where everyone was downstairs about to have a farewell dinner to send her off. Geegs had seen her first before getting Maeve and Ellen, and then the three women were just holding Clementine and letting her cry. She had gone on a ramble about leaving home and going to LA and how she misses her dad and how her brothers are going to be so far away and are gonna forget about her. It was a lot for her at that time and the three most important women in her life helped her through it. 

She just leans her head on Geegs’s shoulder, before placing a kiss on her cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you too, sweet girl.” 

Geegs is about to say more before Jack starts incessantly tapping on Clementine’s shoulder. She rolls her eyes but catches Geegs’s knowing look before turning. “What?” Jack pouts at the snap in her tone and Clementine sighs. “Oh don’t give me that.”

“Why not? It works everytime.”

“What’s up?”

He just nudges her shoulder. “Just, I don’t know, wanna make sure you’re good.”

Clementine smiles, leaning her head on his shoulder as he rests his arm around the back of her seat. “I’m perfect.”

“You sure?”

She bites her lip. “Yeah. I just, I don’t know, not trying to bring down the mood but, I wish Dad was here, you know? He would’ve loved all this.”

Jack swallows and she feels him lean his head atop of hers. “Yeah,” he breathes out. “I was thinking that this morning, when we were all at the hotel and everything. I wish he was here too.”

She sneaks a look at Quinn, who’s chatting with his mom. “He would’ve been so proud.”

Jack hums. “Love you, Clee.”

It’s the second time she’s heard that from someone in the Hughes family in two minutes, but it still makes her emotional all the same. “Love you too, Jacky.” She breathes out and tries to gather herself. “God, can we get this show on the road? I’m getting antsy.”

Jack snorts. “Already? It’s gonna be a long night for you then.”

She narrows her eyes. “Careful. If you want me to sneak you a sip of alcohol later, you have to be nice to me.”

Jack huffs. “I can’t wait until the day I’m legal. The drinking age being 19 here is ruining my vibe.”

“Got a couple more years until that, buddy.” And then the arena lights start dimming and a tribute for the Humboldt Broncos tragedy starts. 

It begins. 

When Quinn’s name gets called seventh overall to the Vancouver Canucks, Clementine jumps out of her seat and immediately starts crying as she watches him hug his brothers, before hugging her tightly.

“I’m so proud of you, Q.” She mutters into his shoulder.

“Thanks, Clem.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” And she lets go to let him hug his grandmother. 

Clementine catches Ellen’s gaze right after Quinn hugs his mother and they share a watery smile, as she watches Maeve squeeze Quinn and kiss him on the cheek. As she watches him go down the stairs and give Brady a hug — she cheered extra loud when Ottawa called his name out earlier — she takes a deep shaky breath but laughs when Luke urges her to take Quinn’s seat. She sits down and squeezes Ellen’s hand, before Ellen kisses her on the cheek. 

Clementine is so overwhelmed and proud and excited for what’s to come, while also being very emotional about how much hard work it took for Quinn to get here. She’s had a front seat on seeing him grow up and it’s been the most incredible ride. 

Later, when they finally all meet up with Quinn again at one of the suites in the arena, she’s about half a vodka cranberry in and just watches all his admirers greet him, the Canucks jersey and hat adorning him nicely. When he finally comes up to her, she beams. 

Quinn laughs as he hugs her, “Already starting to drink?”

“It’s a big day,” she says, pulling away to look him up and down. “Holy shit, dude.”

“Careful. I’m mic’ed up.”

She rolls her eyes. “They can bleep that out. I’m so happy for you. How you feeling?”

“Good, good.” That’s all the words they exchange before other family members rightfully step in to offer their congratulations.

She knows it won’t fully sink in until later, probably when he makes his NHL debut. But what a special day that will live in Clementine’s memory forever.

(It’s not until they’re transferring the celebration to a nearby restaurant / bar does Clementine remember. She literally stops in her tracks, and Quinn, who’s walking beside her and was talking about all the media stuff he had to do, looks at her, confused. 

“Everything good?” He asks. 

Clementine digs into her purse to pull out an envelope. “Yeah. I just almost forgot.”

He takes the envelope, still confused. “What’s this?”

“It’s from Dad.” Quinn blinks at the familiar scribble of his name. “I’ve been keeping it safe this whole time.”

“Fuck, Clem. I-what’s in it?”

She shrugs. “Whatever he wanted to say to you during this moment. I got one when I graduated high school. I’m almost certain your parents probably got theirs today or will eventually from my mom.” She smiles sadly as Quinn sniffs, still staring at the envelope. “Read it later,” she urges softly. “It’ll still be there tomorrow.”

Quinn nods, putting it inside his suit jacket as they continue walking. “Yeah, that’s probably for the best.” He pauses for a few seconds before hugging Clementine the tightest he’s hugged her today. “Thank you.”

“I’m just the messenger,” Clementine says, but she hugs him back. “I know he’s so proud of you, wherever he is.”

Quinn just nods into her shoulder and Clementine feels like they’re kids again)

2019 - los angeles, california

you’re the only friend i need

sharing beds like little kids

and laughing till our ribs get tired

but that will never be enough

- “ribs” by lorde

Clementine’s trying to stifle a yawn as the speeches start. At least they got over the majority of the speeches yesterday during all-university commencement. 

She knows her mom, Ellen and Jim are in the crowd somewhere, from the selfie she got from them as she was waiting to walk to her seat. Thankfully it’s not that hot out, especially for LA, otherwise she’d be more restless than she already is in her lace white dress. Having a ceremony outside is kinda nice, actually, especially with the wind brushing around her legs. 

She walks on the stage, shakes the dean’s hand, gets her diploma and doesn’t faceplant at all, so she takes that as a win. She cheers for her friends when they walk across, and she’s still trying to wrap her head around the fact that four years have gone by so slowly yet so quickly. It’s been filled with great and tough moments, but she’s grateful despite it all. 

They throw their hats up and she embraces her friends, thinking about how they’re all gonna be spread out around the country in just a few months. Clementine’s staying in California, at least, heading to Stanford for medical school in the fall, but it’ll be so different. 

But that’s the beauty of it all, right?

After exchanging a few texts with her mom to establish a meeting place, she briskly walks over to the area, eager to see her family. But she stops in her tracks when she sees Quinn, Jack and Luke. 

They’re not supposed to be here. She blinks, wondering if she’s imagining it. But she hears Luke scream her name and it’s real. All in various colors of a button up and slacks and they’re fucking here. 

“Oh my god,” she says to herself before running over — as fast as she can in these heels — and absolutely crashing into Luke. Her cap falls off but she can’t even care. Jack’s next and hearing his laugh so close to her ear makes her fully start sobbing. By the time Quinn is swaying her side to side and handing her a huge bouquet of flowers “from all three of us,” she’s afraid her eyeliner is ruined. 

She quickly hugs her mom, Ellen and Jim, accepting two more smaller bouquets and turns back to the boys. “You guys are not-how are you here?”

“This was the plan all along,” Quinn laughs. “Come on, Clem. We weren’t gonna miss this.”

“B-but you’re supposed to be, I don’t know, somewhere! Jack, you’re supposed to be doing whatever the hell people do a week before their draft. And Luke, I swear you told me you had a tournament.”

Everyone’s laughing at her disbelief. “Just a few white lies here and there,” Jack says with a proud smile. “Quinn’s right. We wouldn’t miss this.”

“Congratulations, Clemmy!” Luke beams and Clementine wants to squeeze his fucking cheeks. “You didn’t trip walking across the stage.”

“And isn’t that a relief,” Jim jokes. 

Clementines points at the parents in mock accusation after adjusting her hold on all the flowers and her diploma. “You guys knew about this all along, didn’t you?”

“Of course we did,” Maeve rolls her eyes with a grin. “They’ve been planning this for months. Jack literally said he wouldn’t go to Worlds if it was at the same time as your graduation.”

She whacks him lightly across the back of his head with her diploma. “Stupid.”

“Hey!” Jack whines, rubbing the back of his head. 

“Okay, pictures! Before Clem completely cries her makeup off.” Ellen exclaims as they all laugh. Pictures take way too long but Clementine can’t even complain, even when Jack blows raspberries on her and she wants to strangle him. 

As they all walk around campus, Clementine giving an unofficial tour, she points out her old residences, where she used to study, where she’s cried, where she’s laughed. This campus means so much to her and houses so many memories that they’re not a part of. She also gets updates since the last time she saw them over her brief winter break. Luke officially committed to the NTDP, Quinn made his debut with the Canucks that she’s still upset she couldn’t make it for, both Quinn and Jack went to the World Championships, not to mention that Jack’s draft is literally in a week.  

They’re so interested in hearing about her last semester of college and congratulate her officially on Stanford even though Clementine thinks that’s nothing compared to what they’re accomplishing. She voices that, and Quinn immediately gives her a disapproving look that is kinda funny coming from someone younger than her and Luke rolls his eyes with the bold sass of a 15 year old.

Maybe that’s a good thing, Clementine thinks as Jack starts saying how he always talks to his friends about how his “smart, cool older sister” is gonna be a doctor and go to one of the top schools in the country. They all have their talents and they see each other’s accomplishments as the coolest thing in the world. 

She knows not everyone has that kind of support system. She is so blessed that she does, especially today. 

She’s surprised even more when she’s told her mom booked a reservation for one of her favorite farm to table places nearby for dinner, and she indulges herself with two glasses of wine, turning a blind eye when Quinn sneaks a sip. She glares when Luke tries though. Quinn’s at least closer to legal age. 

As she gets healthily tipsy, giggling at every single thing being said and Quinn subtly filling up her glass of water, a tear slips out again. Luckily, no one notices because she wipes it away very quickly.

Everything’s moving so fast. She wishes it would slow down. 

2019 - vancouver, british columbia 

slow down, you’re doing fine

you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time

although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight

- “vienna” by billy joel

Clementine likes to think she’s more prepared this time around. But deep down, she asks herself if she really is. 

The vibe leading up to this draft compared to last year has been a bit different. While there was a good amount of focus on Quinn last year, it’s ramped so much higher this time around for Jack. She’s heard all about the hype. The draft of the Americans. The draft where Jack’s projected to go first.

And she really applauds Jack for handling it as well as he has. Clementine turns 22 in two weeks and she doesn’t think she could be as collected as Jack is at 18. But then again, all three brothers have been preparing for something like this their whole lives. 

Her and her mother are sitting with the family again with the draftees and this time it’s not a surprise. Maeve once again bought Jack’s suit and Clementine gifted him a watch this morning, and also gave him the letter from Miguel because she vowed to herself that she wouldn’t almost forget like she did for Quinn’s. Jack had just given her the longest hug. 

Jack’s been smiles all morning, confidence radiating off his skin. Clementine knows that most of that is genuine  — Jack has always worn his fearlessness the most outwardly compared to his brothers. So when he says he isn’t nervous, she believes him.

At least this time she has a clearer idea of where Jack will be. It’s either going to be New Jersey or New York. She, and everyone in the hockey world, would be shocked if he ended up in Chicago. 

New Jersey would be extra special. Her dad grew up there. So she hopes all the prediction articles she’s read are correct.

So now here they are. A different country and arena this time around. She’s sitting next to Luke and Geegs and there’s a lot more media that’s paying attention to them. Like right now, where it’s only her and Geegs at their seats because the entire Hughes family is doing media. Being on the bus with them this time around instead of driving to the arena herself, Clementine got more of a look into the behind the scenes stuff before the draft starts. She watched with pride as Jack walked down the carpet, signing autographs and probably charming every single person out there. 

As she walked into Rogers Arena, she got more nervous, smoothing down her olive green dress with her sweaty palms. She’s wearing the same white sandals she wore last year because of some sentimental thought she had in her head while figuring out her outfit. Friendship bracelets are on, hair is fully up this time in a high curled ponytail and her head’s all over the place.

But she also is distracted as Jack has wanted to introduce her to everyone. She’s met a lot of the kids in the program at least once, but it’s been awhile and it feels like she’s meeting them again. Everyone except for Alex, who has crashed some of Jack’s FaceTimes with her since he’s lived with the Hughes’ the last two years. Because of that, she’s inadvertently adopted him as another younger brother of sorts. Cole has the widest smile on his face and Clementine just wants to put him in her pocket. Trevor’s laugh is so contagious that Clementine understands why Jack always says him and Trevor are almost the same person. 

As she watches all of them together, she feels sad that she’s had to miss out on stuff like this, watching her younger brothers find their friends and their way and her only appearing in the stories the boys tell but not actually being in the stories. But what can she do? She chose to go to California for school. She’s choosing to stay in California for school. All with their full support and encouragement. 

That doesn’t mean she can’t be sad that she’s missing things back home. Wherever that is.

She snaps herself out of it though, those pangs of sadness she’s felt throughout the morning. It’s not fair on her emotions that she literally just packed her own stuff up from UCLA a week ago and now is here for one of Jack’s biggest moments. He’s so excited. She doesn’t want to cloud that. 

Jack’s ability to be so happy and excited is one of the best things about him.

Once everyone’s back to their seats, she’s bouncing her leg. Without looking, Quinn just puts a hand on her thigh to calm her down and she wonders for the 100th time in the last week when the fuck he got so observant and mature. 

(He always has been. Clementine’s just in a state of constant denial lately.) 

Jack gets picked first overall to the New Jersey Devils and Clementine, to no one’s surprise, starts crying. 

“Let’s go, baby!” He practically screams into her ear as he hugs her.

She laughs through her tears. “Congrats, Jacky. Love you.”

“Love you more, Clee.”

Jack walks down and makes his way onto the stage and Clementine is having the most intense case of deja vu in her life. Maeve hands her a tissue and she knows that some camera is capturing her wiping her eyes carefully. Hopefully the camera captures her whacking Quinn as he makes fun of her as well. She puts her hands over her heart watching Jack shake Gary Bettman’s hand. She can feel her dad’s love and happiness as if he’s here. 

And maybe he is, even if not physically. He’s here somewhere.  

(Hearing “Coming Home” by Diddy - Dirty Money and Skylar Grey playing as Jack walked down had Clementine wanting to slam her head through a wall. She knows Jack probably didn’t put too much thought into the song, but as she hears Skylar’s voice crooning on about letting the rain wash the pain away and coming home and forgiving mistakes, what else is she supposed to feel?)

She watches one by one as Jack’s friends get drafted with a big smile while enjoying the quiet commentary that Jim is offering. She’s still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Jack will probably be playing in the NHL this year and she still clearly remembers him hiding her shoes when they were younger. 

Clementine laughs as Jack launches himself at her when she sees him later, laughs even more when he and his buddies are being stupid and so boy-like that it makes her heart ache. At some point, someone has control of the aux and “The Spins” by Mac Miller starts playing and Clementine feels fond. Quinn appears beside her and she leans into him. 

“Is this how you feel all the time when you see us?” He asks. 

She breathes out. “Yup.” 

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“Me neither, Q.” 

He chuckles. “The curse of being an older sibling.”

“You have no fucking idea.” 

“The first thought I had when his name was called was that Miguel would’ve screamed.” 

She snorts. “Probably true. I gave Jack his letter this morning.”

“I know. I accidentally walked in just as he was finishing reading it.” He pauses suddenly. “Will you come watch when I come to play the Sharks?” 

She looks over at the vulnerable look in his eyes. “Of course.” She realizes then where Quinn’s fears are going. Michigan is only an hour and a half away from Jersey by plane, while Vancouver is four hours away by plane. She’s gonna be the closest to him out of the seven of them. “Of course I will, Quinn. Always.”

“Thanks,” Quinn replies, voice a bit rough. She just presses a kiss to his cheek.

…..

The next morning, Clementine’s woken up by a knock on the door. She groans, but the knocks keep happening so she kicks herself off the bed, throws on a UCLA sweatshirt over herself and opens the door. Jack’s standing at the doorway, hair all over the place and t-shirt and shorts wrinkly. 

“What the fuck, Jack?” She asks bluntly. 

“Sorry.” At least he looks apologetic. “Shit, sorry. I’m just a bit restless.”

“Get in. Quietly. We can talk on the balcony.” Jack gives her a thankful smile as he follows her into the room. They tiptoe past so that Maeve doesn’t wake up, Clementine grabbing her phone along the way. 

She groans as he closes the balcony door and she sinks down into one of the seats. “Jack, it’s 8 in the goddamn morning. Did you not see Ellen and I knocking back shots yesterday?”

Jack snorts. “Who didn’t? I’m pretty sure at least 10 people were filming.”

“What can I say? Your family and friends think I’m entertaining.” She yawns. “What’s up, superstar? What’s got your mind racing at this ungodly hour?”

He shrugs and Clementine wants to roll her eyes. But her semi-awake brain reminds her that this is how all three of them, but especially Jack, has always been. When there’s something bothering him, she always gives him time and lets him come to her. 

A few minutes of silence, before:

“I’m not in over my head, right?”

“About?”

“Everything.”

Clementine blinks. Frankly, she’s too tired and hungover to be a big sister right now. But she’ll try her best. “Jack Rowden Hughes. Don’t tell me you were just drafted number one in the National Hockey League, which is something that had been predicted for at least two years now, and are telling me you’re in over your head.”

He flinches. “Don’t full name me. It’s too early for that.”

She kicks him in the ribs. “You’re a good player, Jack. Which is honestly probably an understatement. I’ve seen you play since you were literally a child. It’s almost freaky how good you are.”

“But you have to say that.”

“I don’t have to say anything,” Clementine says. “I don’t have the time and energy to be bullshitting people anymore, especially you.”

Jack looks down at his hands. “I guess the expectations have always been there, especially recently. But it’s so much more now and that’s kinda scary, Clee.”

“Everything new is always gonna be scary,” Clementine says softly, the breeze waving with her words. “Always. I don’t care how ready for it you’ve been. I’ve been wanting to be a doctor since I was 16. You think I’m not scared to go to Stanford in the fall?”

He furrows his eyebrows. “B-but you’re so smart. You’re gonna be fine.”

“And you’re so talented. So you’re gonna be fine.” She says pointedly. “Realistically, no one can predict the future. Of course I hope that you and Quinn have a great rookie year and a long, successful career ahead of you. Same with Lukey when it’s his turn. But inevitably, there’s gonna be hard moments. That’s just life. You and I both know that. Hell, we’ve been through that together. Will people talk shit about your hard moments more than mine? Yeah, unfortunately, which I hate and wish I could change. But those people, you need to remember, don’t know you. The people who do know you and who love you whether you have skates on your feet or not? Those are the people you should be listening to. And we all love you and are so, so proud of you, Jacky.”

He scooches his chair over and leans his head on her shoulder. “How do you always know what to say?”

“I think I’ve known you all long enough just to know what to say so that you’ll listen to me.” She plays with his hair, staring out into the harbor the hotel borders. “You got all the time in the world to be who you want to be, Jack. And maybe sometimes that requires being in your head a bit. But you’ll come out okay in the end. You always have.”

She swears she feels a few of his tears drip onto her shirt. “I love you, Clee. I know I say it a lot but I mean it everytime.”

“I know you do.”

“I cried when you got your diploma last week.”

“I know. Luke told me.”

“Traitor,” he says with no heat. He throws his legs over her lap and tucks himself into her. “I-I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she parrots back.

He looks up at her from where he’s tucked his head under her chin and Clementine smiles sadly. He looks so young when he does that. He pouts. “You look sad.”

“I’m not sad.” 

He gives her a look. “Clementine Ana Sandoval.”

“Hey. You can’t do that,” she protests weakly. He waits. “I’m not sad, really. It’s just been an emotional week. In a happy way.”

“You can still be emotional in a happy way and be sad.”

She smiles. “I guess you’re right.” She kisses the top of his head. “I am so proud of you, Jack. Truly. I love you so much.”

“I love you the most, Clee. I’m serious.”

She looks at him with a smile, because she knows there’s just no way. He smiles back brightly in the morning light. 

His lips quiver and she frowns. “We’re gonna be so far apart now.” He whispers.

“We haven’t lived close to each other in awhile.”

“But it’s gonna be even farther.”

“Like I told Quinn, whenever you come play at San Jose, I’ll be there. I promise.”

“And what if I need you other times?”

“When have you called me and I haven’t picked up? Or haven’t called back within the hour?” Silence from him, because he knows she has a point. “Doesn’t matter how far apart we are. I’ll always be there for you.”

He nods, once to indicate that he heard, twice to inject those words into his veins. He kisses her cheek and she bites her lip. She’ll always love him. 

(They end up dozing off. Maeve wakes up and is very confused when she looks to see her daughter’s empty bed. Her gaze shifts to the balcony beyond the glass door and she smiles, watching Clementine and Jack’s chests fall and rise in sync. 

Maeve snaps a picture and sends it to Ellen, before getting out of bed to shower. She’ll give them some more time to rest.)

2021 - canton, michigan

laugh until we think we’ll die

barefoot on a summer night

never could be sweeter than with you

- “home” by edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros

The second her mom pulls into the Hughes’s driveway after 13 hours of being in the car, Clementine immediately runs to Ellen, who’s standing by the doorway waiting to greet them.

She breathes in Ellen’s familiar citrus perfume and melts into her arms. A year and a half into the pandemic has felt like 30 years, and Clementine just feels lucky that she can be here. She steps aside to let Maeve and Ellen embrace, getting the luggage from the car. 

“Where are Jimmy and the boys?” Maeve asks as they all gather in the kitchen and Ellen starts reheating some lasagna.

“Playing golf. They’ll be back soon.”

All three of them are collectively a bottle of white wine in deep when they hear a call pull into the driveway. Clementine can hear the moment the boys see the Massachusetts license plate because she hears Luke scream “Maeve and Clemmy are here!” and three car doors slamming before they barrel into the house. 

Clementine just waves her fingers and giggles. Quinn reaches her first, hugging her and lifting her off the stool as she laughs into his neck. Luke’s next — has he grown even more? — and she places three consecutive kisses on his cheek. Jack’s smile is as bright as ever and she threads one hand in his hair as he spins her around. 

Then finally, Jim, who’s been patiently waiting his turn. When she hugs him, she turns her cheek so that it’s against his chest. He places a fatherly kiss in her hair and she feels like a little girl again. 

In her wine drunk stage, she happily listens to the boys babble on about whatever, Maeve chiming in from time to time with stories about what it’s like trying to teach ten year olds over Zoom. At one point, Jack spits out a mouthful of beer and Quinn’s grimacing while Clementine grabs a paper towel without missing a beat in her retelling of how she should’ve gotten an A on a final paper she submitted last semester. 

(Jack had rolled his eyes, muttering “fucking overachiever” under his breath which Clementine glared at him for. Mr. Number One Pick shouldn’t be talking) 

It sucks that Luke won’t be able to get the same draft experience his brothers did, but in a way, it’s a wonderful compromise. He gets to be at home surrounded by his family and friends. Sure, media is still somehow finding their way in because it’s the draft and because he’s a Hughes but it won’t be nearly as much as it has been before. 

Clementine finds a bit of comfort in knowing that Luke won’t immediately jump into the NHL like Jack did. Not that she doesn’t want him to. She wants them to get everything they want in life. But Luke is her baby. He’s perpetually eight years old in her mind. 

And this isn’t the time to dwell on this, but Jack’s rookie year was so tough on him. She’ll never forget getting a call at 2 am his time, absolutely hyperventilating over the phone. After that, she demanded he call her once every week for at least two months after. Luckily, Quinn had a great rookie year and Jack’s second year was better, but goodness, she needs a bit more time to prepare before she starts getting middle of the night calls from three Hughes brothers involving a world she’s still learning about day by day. 

The next week is relaxing and lovely, Clementine having nothing to do for the first time in awhile having taken two weeks off from her summer job at Boston Children’s for this. She lets herself sleep in, takes naps in the backyard and on the boat, moves around slowly in the kitchen to help prepare dinner and cherishes the sounds of Quinn, Jack and Luke’s laughter echoing through the house. 

…..

The night before the draft, Clementine feels a bit restless. She tosses aside her blanket and tiptoes downstairs in a Michigan sweatshirt that she’s stolen at some point this week. Wiping her eyes, she quietly opens cabinets and pokes through the pantry, concluding that the Hughes household has all the ingredients she needs to make brown sugar cookies. Luckily, sound doesn’t travel much in this house, she’s learned. Clementine starts to get to work. 

By the time she’s waiting for the oven to finish preheating so she can put cookies into the oven, she hears footsteps coming down the stairs. She’s about to open her mouth to apologize but snaps it shut when she sees Quinn, all cozied up in a black t-shirt and gray sweats, hair absolutely all over the place. 

He blinks. “Why are you awake?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

Quinn scans over the three trays of cookies waiting to go in. “Didn’t both our moms bake a gigantic cake today?”

“Yup.”

He hums. The oven beeps and before she can react, he slides the trays in. As he shuts the oven door, Clementine pours him a glass of water as she sets a timer on her phone.

“Why are you awake at this hour, Quinny?”

Quinn shrugs. “I was up to use the bathroom. Thought I heard something downstairs and wanted to check it out.”

She yawns. “Yeah, sorry.”

“I didn’t know you baked.”

“Newer habit. One of my roommates, Allie, you’ve met Allie over FaceTime, she’s a stress baker. Whenever exam season hit, there were baked goods all over our apartment. Picked up on a thing or two.”

Quinn hums. “What’s Allie up to this summer?”

“She just started her residency in Florida.”

“So she graduated?”

“Yup. Now I’m all alone.” Quinn rolls his eyes because he knows that’s not true. It isn’t. Clementine still has two other roommates as they continue looking for a third. 

“I still can’t believe you had time to do med school applications as well as a full course load,” Quinn says. “Like, I know you said that’s kinda normal. But how did you have the time?”

Clementine snickers. “I’m not sure how I did. Pure rage and fumes? ”

“I mean, you’re superwoman. You always have been. But damn. There are really no breaks for you, eh?”

“Coming here is a break.”

“Good,” she ruffles his hair. Quinn sighs. “Can’t believe it’s finally little Lukey’s turn.”

“Yeah. I’ve been having a crisis about it all summer. Makes me feel old.”

“You’re only 24?”

“Exactly,” she deadpans. “Old.”

Quinn rolls his eyes. They both look up as someone else comes down the stairs. Alex, who came in just a few hours ago, rubs his eyes with his fists. “What the fuck are you two doing up awake?”

“Clem’s making cookies.”

Alex blinks. “And you are?”

“Keeping her company.”

Alex just shrugs before sitting down across from her. He nods in thanks when Clementine fills up a glass of water for him. “Haven’t really gotten the chance to catch up with you. How’s Stanford?”

Clementine snickers. “Good. Well, as good as it can be in a pandemic. School’s school. First two years were mostly by the textbooks. Next two will be textbooks and clinicals so I’ll be in the hospital. Hopefully.”

“Clinicals?”

“Like, actually working with patients. Or like, observing in the hospital with a supervisor. The good stuff.”

“Sounds smart,” Alex hums. “How do you feel that all your babies will have been drafted 24 hours from now?” 

Fucking asshole. She doesn’t know why Ellen has a soft spot towards Alex when he’s clearly a nuisance. He just laughs at her pout and Quinn shakes his head with a close-lipped smile. “Don’t get her started. It’s 1 a.m.”

Her eyes roll so hard they might as well fall out of her head. “Don’t you have siblings?” He nods. “Are they younger or older?”

“Older. I’m the youngest.”

She huffs and Quinn grins. “That makes sense,” she says. “You don’t get it.”

Alex gets up and pulls Clementine into a quick side hug as he gets more water. “I only got to hear about how you were crying when Quinn and Jack got called. Now I’ll get to see for myself.”

“Careful,” she says wearily. Careful of what, she doesn’t know, but she needs to instill some sort of dominance as the oldest here. Quinn snickers into his sweatshirt. 

Her timer beeps a few minutes later and she shuts it off. Quinn ushers her aside while he grabs the trays and sets them on the counter to cool while Clementine digs around for a large tupperware container to store them. Alex just stares at them hungrily and she can’t even be annoyed. She sees that look in all the Hughes brothers’ eyes all the time in the kitchen. And Alex might as well be a Hughes. 

Once they each finish a cookie, Clementine shoos them both upstairs as she follows behind them to try and go back to sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day.

…..

The next morning comes quickly. She’s sharing a room and bed with her mother but she’s nowhere to be found. Instead, Clementine gets woken up by Jack jumping on her bed. Thankfully, he avoids anything that could really hurt her, but she still grunts, whacking him in the stomach and shooing him out of the room before beginning to get ready. She can already hear various family and friends coming through the front door downstairs.

She gets dressed in a cream romper she found on sale a month ago and pulls out, of course, the white sandals. She rummages through her backpack to find the letter — the final one she’s in charge of — and quickly debates on when she’ll give it to Luke. 

Now, she decides, putting it on the bedside table. Before the cameras turn on. She slips her phone into the pockets of her romper — she’s pumped they even have pockets — and walks down the stairs. Immediately at the front door, she’s met with Emily. She’s nine now and Clementine just goes on her knees and holds her tightly. Clementine then quickly runs into Ellen, who wants to introduce her to some people — some she’s met a handful of times, some she hasn’t met once.

It’s lovely, in a way, knowing that while their lives are so intertwined, there’s always someone new to meet or someone to reunite with. The support system for all of them is so much larger than she could’ve ever dreamed of, as she grins when Sophia, who she last saw at Quinn’s draft, hugs her tight like they just saw each other yesterday. She’s in her second year at Michigan on the lacrosse team and so smiley and lovely.

Once she spots Luke, she taps his shoulder and he excuses himself from talking to one of Jim’s old friends. Luke’s constant smile this whole week has been small but genuine. As his eyes drift down to the envelope in her hands, she sees him swallow. 

Clementine hands it over and claps a hand on his shoulder. “Later, yeah? When you have a minute.”

Luke just nods expectantly. Like almost everything in life, his brothers have gotten their letters before him. If Clementine sometimes thinks too much about it, it makes her almost sad that Luke’s always had someone do something before him, whether it’s her or Quinn and Jack. But it’s also a blessing, in a way, she thinks, because in her eyes, Luke is the best out of all of them in pretty much every single way possible because he’s seen how the older three have messed up and can take from that. She knows Quinn and Jack agree. 

“Thanks for being here.”

“Of course.” She pulls him into a hug and breathes in. “Is that the cologne I gave you yesterday?”

“Yeah.”

“Cute.” Clementine gives him one last squeeze before pulling away. The house is filling up more and more and she knows her time is limited. “If I don’t catch you before, just remember that I love you, okay? And I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks, Clemmy.”

“I’ll look at the schedule soon and try to come down to see a game when I can.”

His eyes light up. “Really?”

“Duh. I gotta put all this Michigan merch I have to some use.” 

Luke shrugs. “I don’t know-I just figured, you saw Quinn at Michigan and you’ve seen Quinn and Jack in the show. Why would you come to see something you’ve already seen, you know?”

“Because it’s you, Lukey.” She squeezes his arm. “You’re always going to be my baby brother.”

She feels him relax as he folds himself into her arms again. 

The day passes by in a blur as Clementine is enjoying catching up with everyone. And there’s a feeling of gratitude in that everyone can gather with each other again after so much isolation in different parts of the continent for so long. She sees Josh for the first time in literal years and happily spends time catching up with him. 

For most of the day, she forgets that it’s draft day. She’s just bouncing around, sipping casually on her cider and snacking. The cookies she made the night before are gone very quickly, which makes her laugh to herself. 

Once Luke disappears upstairs to get dressed, she finds herself leaning against a doorway, staring out into the living room that’s filled with people but not really looking at anything. 

“You okay?”

She turns to see her mom, pearl earrings matching her deep red blouse. Clementine grins. “Yeah. Just zoned out for a minute.”

Maeve lets out a heavy breath. “Last one.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s weird. I always knew he’d get here. All of them. But then it happens. And you think you’re prepared, but you’re not.” Clementine perks up. Her mom doesn’t often get into these types of moods, always the fun-loving, energetic woman. Her dad was more the outwardly perceptive one. Maeve just continues with a small smile. “From the most adorable little boys to incredible young men.”

Clementine laughs. “They’ll always be little to me.”

“Take how you feel and multiply that by three hundred and that’s where I’m at as I’ve seen all of you together this week,” Maeve says with a snort. She hooks her chin on Clementine’s shoulder. “Love you, Clementine.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

Soon enough, everyone’s gathered in front of the TV, with a few cameras around and someone on standby who’s gonna do an interview right when Luke’s name gets called. On the couch and chairs at the front, from right to left, are Geegs, Ellen, Quinn, Luke, Jack and Jim. Her and Maeve are standing right behind Jim and Alex and Josh are next to Clementine. 

This time, it could be Anaheim or Columbus or Detroit. Maybe San Jose. 

Or it could be New Jersey. 

She knows Jack has been pretty outwardly casual about it — he knows nothing, he’s just hoping. But she knows Jack. He wants his younger brother with him. And it would be lovely for those two to play on the same team. What are the odds? 

(Apparently, pretty good.)

Luke gets drafted to New Jersey fourth overall. The whole house explodes with cheers. She’s never seen Jack so excited. Maeve puts her hands on Jim’s shoulders as Luke is hugging Quinn and Jim turns around, eyes wet. That’s what sets Clementine off crying. When it’s her turn to get a hug from Luke, she rises to her tiptoes and throws her arms around his neck. 

“Congrats, Lukey. Proud of you.”

“Thanks, Clemmy. I love you.”

She smacks a kiss on his cheek. “I love you too.” Luke then hugs Maeve, Alex and Josh before continuing down the line. 

From there, there’s media to be down and they quickly set up. Most of the family stays in the room as the three boys adjust themselves on the couch, ready to answer some questions. After Geegs gives her a big hug and Luke throws on Jack’s Devils jersey, Clementine bites her lip and suddenly spins on her heel, feeling overwhelmed. 

Alex notices, furrowing his eyebrows as he lightly grabs her arm. “You okay?”

Clementine nods with a smile. “Yeah. I’m just gonna get some air.”

Alex just nods. “Okay,” he squeezes her shoulder in a side hug. “Don’t be too long or we’ll all come looking for you.”

“I won’t,” she promises, before quietly slipping out the screen door in the backyard. 

She takes a deep breath, wiping her eyes and deciding to take a little walk around the block. She stares out at the sky, currently painted in hues of pink and purple as the sun is starting to set. Michigan is beautiful. She can understand why they all love it. She fiddles with the three friendship bracelets and her vision blurs as she starts lightly crying again. 

It’s been a long time coming. All of this always has. But like her mom said, it doesn’t mean she’s ready for it. 

After a nice walk, Clementine sits down on the swing in the front yard. She can hear the commotion happening inside the house and in the backyard, but she’s not quite ready to go back in yet. She watches the sun continue setting, thankful that it’s just windy and cool enough to not have the mosquitos attacking her. 

Quinn’s in Vancouver. Jack’s in New Jersey. Both of them are looking to stay long term. Luke will be going to Michigan for at least a year. If Clementine’s inkling is right, it’ll be two, just like Quinn did. And then Luke will be in New Jersey. She’s in California for two more years. And then who knows where for residency afterwards. Ellen and Jim are mainly based in Michigan and her mom’s out in Massachusetts.

Will they ever all live close enough to each other again? Will there ever be more than just the holidays, which started already looking different ages ago when the boys started having tournaments at that time of the year? Will there ever be a time where they’re all able to be together for more than two — maybe three if they’re lucky — times a year? 

She’s accepted by now that no, they probably will never live near each other again or see each other more than they currently do. But she can hope, right? 

Because she’s made a home for herself in a few places now. Massachusetts, where Mom is. California, where she’s been for six years, She hasn’t lived in Toronto for six years now, but that will always be home too. 

But home, Clementine realizes, as she hears Quinn’s contagious laughter filter from the house, is this. Home is Quinn’s subtle loyalty and kindness that knows no bounds. Home is Jack’s contagious vivacity and love that envelopes every room. Home is Luke’s steadfast resilience and empathy that pulls everyone in. Home is Ellen’s warm hugs and Jim’s proud eyes. Home is her own mother’s…everything. 

Home is the way her father lives in all their memories, even six years after he’s gone. All the people he loved the most. That’s home. 

The front door opens. She looks up as Luke walks out and immediately smiles. He looks good in Devils red. “Hey.”

He grins. “Hi. I was looking for you.”

“Just needed some air. Are you done with media and interviews?”

“Yeah,” he slides in next to her. She watches his handle fiddle with the envelope, “Luke” written unmistakingly in Miguel’s handwriting. “I wanted to read this with you.”

Clementine shakes her head. “Nope. I was given very specific instructions. Your-”

“Eyes only,” Luke finishes. “Yeah, yeah. I know. But could you stay here while I read it to myself?”

She softens with a smile. “Of course I can.” 

She watches as his shaky hands carefully tear open the envelope, biting her lip as he unfolds the paper. She then purposely looks away as Luke leans forward, elbows on his knees, eyes scanning the words. She places a hand on his back, rubbing small circles to let him know that she’s here. Once she hears the sound of him folding the paper, she turns to look at him. His lips are quivering and she corrals him into a hug. 

“I wish he was here,” Luke chokes out through tears and Clementine tilts her chin up to the sky to try to hold back her own. “I miss him so much, Clemmy.”

“Me too, Lukey,” she whispers, letting him place his head on her lap. “Me too.”

“It’s so unfair how little time we had with him,” he says and well, Clementine’s fully crying again because yeah, she was 17 when her dad died. But Luke was 11. Not even a teenager. “All I could really think of when I got picked was that Miguel’s from Jersey.”

Clementine smiles. “Yeah.”

“Kinda feels like fate, maybe?”

“Fate sounds good,” she says softly, stroking his cheek with her thumb as she smiles at him. “I really like the sound of that, actually.”

There are footsteps coming closer and Clementine turns behind her to see Quinn with Jack behind him. She gives them a bittersweet smile and nods at them to come sit. Quinn slides in next to her and Jack sits on the other side of Luke. 

“You okay, Moose?” Quinn asks softly.

“Yeah,” Luke says in a scratchy voice. “I’ll come back in in a few minutes.”

“Take your time,” Jack says, exchanging a look with Clementine as she starts playing with Luke’s hair. “No rush.”

“Did all your letters make you feel like this?” Luke asks. 

“Yup.” Jack snorts.

“Yeah.” Quinn sighs. “It still does.”

“I had to reapply my mascara before my grad party,” Clementine says lightly. All four of them chuckle. She swallows, “I love you guys. So much.”

Quinn kisses her on the cheek as Jack reaches out behind Luke to squeeze her shoulder. “We love you more, Clem.” Quinn mutters. 

They stay out on the swing for a little while, just the four of them. Only when the sun sets do they make their way to the backyard to rejoin everyone. Before he gets pulled away again, Clementine holds Luke one last time. 

bonus - 2028 - new york city, new york

ya no quiero que llores

the universe is gonna give you muchas flores

quitate ese miedo

you’ll be a lot more, trust me, yo te entiendo

- “a letter to my younger self” ambar lucid

Clementine really didn’t need everyone to be here. It’s only a lunch after all. 

But “it’s not like we have anything going on anyways,” Quinn had said, the lunch NYU is throwing to mark the end of people’s residencies taking place at the end of June during the off season. So when NYU said she could bring up to eight guests, she didn’t really have a solid argument. 

And here they are now, sitting in a small but beautifully decorated ballroom. Clementine’s wearing a dark purple jumpsuit as she looks around the table. Nico’s to her right, talking happily with Jim on his other side. Then it’s Jack, then Luke, then Quinn, then Ellen and then finally her own mother on Clementine’s left. They’re all dressed up a bit, the guys in button ups and Ellen and Maeve with nice blouses on. It makes Clementine smile.

It’s really not a formal thing. But she’s grateful to have them all here anyways.

“Okay, real talk.” Jack says across the table, grabbing Clementine’s attention. “Your attending physician who stopped by earlier? I would hit.”

Maeve snorts. Ellen sighs and just says his name in disappointment. Jim takes a sip of his beer trying to hide a smile. Quinn and Luke roll their eyes and Nico scoffs. 

“Really?” Clementine says dryly. 

Jack, like the menace he is, just smirks. “Absolutely. I mean, I know you’re engaged or whatever, but if you weren’t…”

“The person she’s engaged to is right here,” Nico says as Jack cackles. 

Clementine rolls her eyes. “Well, Dr. Butterfield is happily married with kids. Sorry to burst your bubble. Though I’m sure Amelie would also not be thrilled.”

Jack waves her off at the mention of his girlfriend. “Amelie would probably agree with me.”

“I don’t know how Amelie deals with you,” Nico shoots back. 

“Settle down,” Clementine says in a monotone voice. Even after so many years, Nico and Jack love finding anything to bicker about off the ice. “Let me eat my pasta in peace.”

“Better listen to Clem, boys,” Jim chuckles. “It’s her day.”

“It’s her month,” Luke clarifies, elbowing Jack. “Are you trying to get uninvited to her wedding?”

“Clee would never!” Jack exclaims. Which is true, but Clementine’s glad Luke is backing her up. 

“Nico would,” Nico grumbles. Good thing they’re not seated next to each other right now or she’s sure Jack would be smacking him. Which is hilarious, considering Jack is one of Nico’s groomsmen. 

Five years. Five years since she walked into Langone for the first time. Five years since she moved into Hoboken with Jack and Luke. She may not live with them anymore, but sometimes, with the amount they’re over her and Nico’s house, it feels like she still does. 

Five years of great moments and really, really tough ones. Five years of highlighters in her mouth, pencils twisted in a bun atop of her head, dark under-eye circles after overnight shifts, delirious conversations with her fellow residents and so, so much coffee. And before that, eight years of school, sometimes forgetting what it was all for. But here she is.

Doctor Clementine Sandoval has a nice ring to it. 

She’s brought out of her own world when she feels Nico squeeze her thigh lightly. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

“You zoned out again.”

She hums lightly. Nico always knows when to bring her back to the present. “Thanks.” He just kisses her temple. 

Along with eighteen other new doctors, Clementine’s called up on the stage to receive her certificate. Dr. Butterfield says a few words about her in front of everyone that she thinks are far too kind and she can’t help but laugh when she hears her whole table cheering as her picture’s being taken. 

“You have a lot of loud supporters,” Dr. Butterfield jokes as he shakes her hand. 

She snickers. “You have no idea.”

“They seem lovely. Keep them close.”

“They are. I will.”

“Enjoy your time off. You deserve it. We’ll see you back at NYU in September.”

Clementine beams. “Thanks Doc. I’m looking forward to it.”

After lunch is over, they go outside and take pictures right by Battery Park, where the lunch was held. Unlike the three brothers, she doesn't complain about the amount of pictures Ellen, Jim and Maeve want to take, just grinning and laughing as Nico pokes her side. They split up to drive back to Nico and Clementine’s in Jersey — Ellen, Jim and Maeve in one car and her, Nico, Quinn, Jack and Luke in the other. Nico is somehow roped into driving and Clementine knows he probably regrets that. You put five 25-31 year olds who see each other simultaneously too little and too much in the same car when there’s an annoying amount of traffic and it’s an interesting ride. 

“Someone must be throwing a party,” Clementine comments as they turn onto the cul de sac, cars lining up the curb. She squints at her and Nico’s driveway at two familiar cars. “What are Dougie and Bratter doing here?” Nico just gives her a shrug. The brothers in the back don’t respond either. “What are you guys not telling me?”

“Chill, Clee,” Jack says. “We have no idea what’s going on either. We’ll find out in two seconds anyways. 

She almost believes him. Instead, she falls in step with Nico, who locks the car. “What’s going on?” She mutters.

Nico just smiles, hand on her lower back naturally. “It’s all good. Just trust me.”

And the thing is, she does. She trusts Nico with her life. 

The second she walks through the door, she jumps as a chorus of “congratulations” echoes through the home. She scans the room quickly. The house is decorated with streamers and balloons, there are food and snacks all over and their home looks so filled. 

Maeve, Ellen and Jim beat them here, all looking very proud. Next to them are Quinn, Jack and Luke with big smiles, next to their significant others — Amelie snapping pictures with her camera, Jordyn leaning back into Luke’s chest, and even Grace is here, Quinn’s arm wrapped around her waist that’s starting to show her small, beautiful baby bump. Grace is supposed to be on tour singing in front of a sold-out crowd in Florida right now.

And then there’s Dougie. And Jesper and Nicole and their toddler son. And Timo and Steph. And Erik and Kristen and their kids. And Seamus. And Jonas. And Ethan. And Nate and Dawson and their significant others. And seemingly almost every other Devils player, most present, some past. And then there’s Trevor, Alex and Cole and Clementine feels like she’s 21 again.

Then there’s her family, blood related and not. Her Uncle Thomas and Aunt Mariana — Thomas is Miguel’s younger brother. Her Aunt Aoife, who was in California literally two days ago. Those are the only blood-related family members who live in the US, and they’re all here. Then there’s Lara and John and Emily, who’s somehow 16 now. Other various members of the Hughes extended family who she’s always loved are dispersed around. 

And then a smattering of her friends from UCLA, Stanford and NYU, all cheering enthusiastically. The ones who made all those years filled with light even in the darkest crevices.

The house is filled with so many people she loves. As she turns back to look at Nico, she feels overwhelmed. “What’s all this?” She chokes out.

“To celebrate you,” Nico says with a twinkle in his eye. 

“His idea, by the way.” Emilia calls out with a grin. Clementine has to laugh. Because of course it is. 

“I love you,” she whispers to Nico, pecking him on the lips. 

“I love you.” He repeats back. “Now go celebrate with everyone.”

And celebrate with everyone she does. As she does that, she can’t help but steal glances at Nico from wherever she is in the room. Because she’s been blessed with having a wonderful support system — the people currently in this house prove that — but there’s never been anyone quite like Nico who just loves her so wholly and wants to celebrate her all the time. 

Later that night, after she bids goodbye and a gracious thank you to Jesper and Nicole, who stayed to help clean up, she lets out a deep breath. It’s just her and her brothers and all the significant others now, Ellen, Jim and Maeve having retired up to bed half an hour ago. She collapses on the couch next to Nico. She stays quiet as she listens to Luke and Grace arguing about something that really reminds Clementine that Grace may be married to Quinn, but Grace met Luke first at a bar in New York years ago and has refused to stop making fun of him since then.

It was just her and the boys for so long. She’s so happy that they’ve all found their own counterparts throughout the years. 

“Thank you for today,” she mutters to Nico. “Seriously. It was…thank you.”

“Of course,” Nico says, his thumb going over the ring on her left hand. “You’re so loved, baby. Any chance to remind you of that is worth it to me.” She just leans up to kiss him. 

“Ew,” Luke says, ruining the moment. Jordyn slaps him for that one. 

Clementine scoffs, “Fuck off. We’re literally getting married next month.”

“Okay and?” Even at 25, Luke is still her annoying little brother. “I know today’s your day and all, but sucking face with my captain is not something I really want to see.”

“Then look away.”

Quinn snorts under his breath. “You guys are impossible.”

“Learn to deal with it, Quinny,” Jack smirks. “You have a child coming soon. If they’re anything like Grace, they’re gonna be fighting you all the time.” 

Grace reaches over her husband and shoves Jack. “Watch it, Hughes. Unless you want your backstage pass taken away when you come to my show in two weeks.”

Jack gasps dramatically. “But I haven’t gotten to see you perform in ages!”

“Exactly. So zip it.”

Amelie makes eye contact with Clementine and Nico with an eye roll. “They exhaust me.” And Clementine has to laugh, because they’ve all made the choice to be exhausted by each other.

Soon after, everyone’s tired out from the day’s festivities and starts heading to their respective rooms for the evening. Clementine trails behind everyone, shutting the lights off and making sure the doors are locked. 

She’s about to shut the light off in the living room when she stops, catching sight of a photo frame hung on the wall opposite the couch. They don’t have many frames hung up around the house, but the photos they do have hung up are important.

She stares at her father’s face. The picture was taken when Clementine was fifteen. The three of them were about to go to Thomas and Mariana’s wedding, Maeve in a long blue dress, Miguel in a dashing suit with a matching blue tie and Clementine in a glittery pink dress. They’re all smiling at the camera in front of a sunset. It’s one of Clementine’s favorites. 

Suddenly, her throat closes up as her father’s voice echoes through her brain. “The universe is gonna give you muchas flores,” he always said. All the flowers, he would say. She thinks he said that on the hospital bed on his last day. She’s long forgiven herself for not remembering every word from that day anymore. 

Nico comes from behind and his hands wrap around her shoulders as she grabs his wrists. She then turns her head to the picture right next to it and smiles. It’s of her and Nico almost two years ago on New Year’s Eve, four hours before Nico would get down on one knee and ask her to spend the rest of their lives together. And then lastly, to the right of that picture, a frame with three pictures in one. Her, Quinn, Jack and Luke all during their respective drafts. The same photoset is hanging in their homes as well. 

She feels Nico kiss the back of her head and she smiles, before turning and heading to bed, Nico’s arm around her shoulder.

long live the walls we crashed through

i had the time of my life with you

[hkthatgffan]

Well, today's the day! Hilda comes to an end. I figured now more than ever is time I make this post on just…how I feel about this incredible show ending and why it means so much to me…and why I'm grateful to Luke Pearson and the whole Hilda team. So, long post below ahead!

I found Hilda in 2018 via a post on the Gravity Falls sub of the trailer. Right from the start, something felt special about this show. And like many, I tuned in to watch it when it began. I didn't know what would be in store as I began it, but I was excited. This was at the end of the summer as GF hype for Lost Legends and the box set died down. So, getting in to a new show seemed like the best idea. It took literally hearing that theme song for me to instantly fall in love with Hilda. There was something so familiar and wholesome just bursting out of that opening. It was a feeling hard to really explain. By episode 3 and specifically the ending of it…I knew I had my next favourite show.

Everything about Hilda just felt perfect to me. The animation was incredible, Hilda as a character was enjoyable and full of life, the story felt fresh even if the core concept seemed familiar and all in all, I just loved the atmosphere this show radiated. It also made me so happy to see Canada have a part in Hilda. The Canadian animation industry is one I love given how much of a part of my childhood it was. And so to see it have a hand in this incredible show just made me so happy. Mercury Filmworks did amazing with Hilda. And I think that's how I began to understand why Hilda feels so familiar; it reminds me of those old cartoons I grew up on. Those Canadian Nelvana shows that were so wholesome & yet so fun to watch…while also not afraid to be bold. Hilda was that kind of show for a new generation!

I also didn't shy away from poking some nods to Gravity Falls. It was a great way to help spread Hilda's existence to more people and to this day I get messages from people who tell me they found Hilda because of my tweets, or videos or more. That means the world and I am grateful to have helped you discover this show. And like any show I fell in love with, I also bough the books and other merch for it. The Hilda graphic novels were amazing to read and see how the show grew from them, the figurine still just fits in my shelf, and the tie in books and more are always fun to collect. I'll miss it. Not to mention the memes…of which I made a few. The Hilda fandom is insane, yet so funny. Like all fandoms it has its ups and downs but I've met some amazing people because of Hilda and some who I remain great friends with. You know who you are <3

Hilda's conclusion means that the last of my holy trinity shows is now over…and with that, the end of an era. Truthfully, IDK what my plans are post Hilda. It was the last show still airing that I truly was 110% passionate about. That's not to say there aren't other shows, But there will never be another Hilda for me. Hilda is a show unlike any other I have seen. Yeah, perhaps it's not the most popular or the biggest or the best cartoon out there. But OMG, no other show since ever made me as happy and passionate as Hilda did. It's one of a kind!

I said in 2018 that Hilda is everything out of a cartoon that I wanted. I still believe that.

No cartoon is perfect and our definition of perfection is our own. If you ask me though…Hilda is the closest cartoon I have ever come across to my definition of perfection!

With that, while I am heartbroken to bid farewell to Hilda…I am happy I got to experience this show as it aired. I'm grateful for all the memories I made in the 5 years I had it. I'm grateful for the adventure and above all else…I'm grateful to have seen Hilda! ❤️

2018-2023

[fuckyeaharthuriana]

Some additions for your list of everything from my collection of pre-2020 modern retellings.

Mordred’s Curse (1996) and Merlin’s Gift (1997) by Ian McDowell, both Mordred’s pov. Haven’t finished reading them, but they’re interesting takes. Retains Monmoth’s casting of Mordred as the Queen’s lover.

The Green Knight (1975) by Vera Chapman. Alternates between Vivian and Gawain’s pov. Also have not finished reading.

Fang the Gnome (1988) by Michael Greatrex Coney. Takes a while for the Arthurian content to get underway, but Nyneve, human apprentice to the sorceress Avalona, eventually conjures up the world of Camelot. Major appearance by Tristan. Also includes Torre, Melin, Marhaus (Morholt), Palomides, Iseult, Arthur, Morgawse, Gawain, Galahad, and others I’m probably forgetting.

King and Raven (1995) by Cary James. OC Micah navigates the court of Camelot, ascending from fugitive to knight while bearing witness to the legend of Arthur.

Hawk of May (1980), Kingdom of Summer (1981), and In Winter’s Shadow (1982) by Gillian Bradshaw (Series title: Down the Long Wind). Makes the unusual choice of casting Bedwyr in the place of Lancelot as Gwynhwyfar’s lover.

Sword of the Valiant (1984) by Stephen Weeks and Henry Whittington. Inspiration for the Sean Connery Green Knight movie

In Camelot’s Shadow (2004) by Sarah Zettel. OC/Gawain adventure romance

Merlin’s Mirror (1975) by Andre Norton, sci-fi re-incarnation Arthurian tale

Sweet Black Waves (2018) by Kristina Pérez. YA Tristan and Isolde retold from the perspective of Branwen (Brenganae) first in a trilogy but I don’t know if the other two are Arthurian-related.

The Buried Giant (2015) by Kazuo Ishiguro. Haunting piece set in the post-Arthurian dark age Britain. Gawain makes an extended appearance towards the end.

Thank you so much!! Most of these are in the list but I will add the three missing ones!

Sword of the Valiant (1984) Sweet Black Waves (2018) The Buried Giant (2015)

I will tag this with "to add" so I will remember :D

[extralively]

What would the CANON!Timeline characters reactions be to Yura and the UtCoS!Verse? Like say if Yura got transported to the canon world for some reason before Shibuya arc, or the first year's and CANON!Satoru somehow end up in the UtCoS!Verse before Shibuya. What would everyone's reactions be like? Both from the UtCoS!verse and the CANON!verse.

oh man, you got me thinking about it and it's just all sorts of sad! So I started writing and this became a sort of mini oneshot LMAO help

(This has not been properly proofread tho nor is it in my usual style, but I couldn't help myself!!)

So let's think up a scenario in which Yura is transported into canon circa early 2018 (let's not fret over the specifics lmao). At first, she's very confused when people she knows don't recognize her, and then it starts ringing alarm bells in her head when Satoru doesn't recognize her. And even worse, there's a weird pull towards this Satoru from her soul connection to him, but she can tell it's not him that she's attached to. Oops, she's in another universe somehow.

(Let's skip over all the drama of her trying to make everyone else believe her story and bam, they all do.)

Yura is not having a good time. Seeing the people she cares about not know who she is, seeing them lead a life without her around just makes her desperately miss home. Imagine there's some drama over them not knowing whether or not she could go back to her own universe, so Yura has to consider the possibility that she's permanently stuck in this world where all the history she had with everyone else has just been completely wiped out, and it's basically torture. To have the people she loves right there in front of her but also not be the same people that love her back would be just all sorts of painful to deal with.

Then we get into her learning what everyone else's lives have been like without her around, and if Yura was sad before, this makes her feel double sad--but this time, it's sad for them.

Tsumiki is still cursed, so that's a big blow to Yura, and learning that Tsumiki and Megumi didn't grow up with fun birthdays and holidays and happy family time like Yura remembered made her heart ache. Yura doesn't understand why this Satoru kind of kept his distance from them and only acted as a mentor figure to Megumi as opposed to her Satoru who stepped up as their legal guardian, and she has to face this reality where the Fushiguros were forced to grow up alone, like she had feared they would back home. And of course, once she tells this Megumi about all of it, even if he tries to keep his cool, he can't help but imagine a world where he and Tsumiki had a happy childhood for once. Yura shows him pictures of the four of them on her phone, and it somehow makes him feel weirdly nostalgic despite the fact that he hadn't lived this life at all. There's a strange longing inside of him over what he could have had, but he has to shake himself out of it because, to him, it's nothing but a fantasy.

Then we get to Satoru.

This Satoru is very much like her Satoru, but also not. His personality is still the same, but Yura knows him well enough by now to see the constant loneliness that weighs him down; that her Satoru has this kind of joy in him that this world's Satoru lacks. She learns that, without her, Satoru didn't really have anyone after Geto left, despite Shoko still being around, and it just kind of sends her spiraling thinking about what it must have been for him. She thinks about all the times that her Satoru would seek her out throughout the years, all the time they spent together--so what was it like for this Satoru? What did he do during summer at school when everyone else left and it was just him around? Who did he bother when he had a new movie he desperately wanted to watch or a new bakery he wanted to visit? How did he spend his birthdays after Geto was gone? When he overworked himself, who was there to tell him it was okay to take a break?

And when canon Satoru learns about their history in this alternate reality, he almost finds it too hard to believe. There's this strange woman telling him that they're best friends in this other universe, despite the fact that he'd never thought he'd have someone fill that position after Suguru was gone. And not just best friends, but something else--something the woman refuses to name, even though he starts to have an idea about what she may feel for this other Satoru from the way she talks about him.

(And pretending that the soul-binding ritual is a real thing in canon despite the fact that I made it up) She also turns out to be bound to someone in the Gojo clan using that old soul-binding ritual, judging from the mark on her chest. And not just someone, but him--and he would have to admit that he felt a strange tugging inside of him towards her, that she theorized it was because she was bound to his alternate self in this other universe of hers. Something something their souls were alike so her soul bond 'found' him, something something. First of all, why would he bind himself like that to anyone? That shit was serious, and archaic, and he never actually wanted to be married to anyone, let alone permanently married. But oh, she claimed they weren't married for real (c'mon, this is a marriage ritual) and that he only did that to save her life (were there no other alternatives??)

Still, when she shows him the photos and videos she has of them in her phone, Satoru is kind of entranced. There's her and him, but a different him, being all sorts of familiar with each other. There's a strange ease in the way they interacted with each other, videos of this other him making jokes at her as she played along, her being annoyed at him, him teasing her as they cuddled up in bed...

Yura promptly snatches her phone from him when he finds the racier pictures, but from what he'd seen, it looks like they had fun. But in general, Satoru has a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of this other universe, of this other life he could have had. In theory, there were countless other universes out there where anything could have happened, and he briefly entertains the thought of a universe where Suguru didn't leave them before he shakes himself out of it. Because there's this weird woman looking at him in a way that he's never had anyone look at him before, and it's throwing him off in a weird way.

Eventually, they find a way to send Yura back home. She feels relieved and is desperate to be back where she belongs, but she has a few things she has to do before she goes. First, she tries her best to break Tsumiki's curse like she'd done back home even if she still has no idea how she did that (she succeeds, because this might not be her Tsumiki, but it's still Tsumiki). Then, she tells Megumi to stay close to his sister, because they're family and family is always looking after each other--if they have no one else, they need to make sure they'll have one another. And at last, she has a few parting words to say to this Satoru.

She tells him to not be alone. He finds it a little funny, but she's serious. She says that he has so many people around him that care, and that he shouldn't shoulder everything himself because yes, she knows him well enough to know that that's exactly what he's been doing--being lonely is miserable, and she doesn't want that for any Satoru. She also asks him to keep a closer eye on the Fushiguros too, to get involved a little bit more--because as much as it would be good for them, it would be good for him too, she knows it. And finally... she tells him to be less of an idiot. Since she isn't around to keep his idiocy in check, he's gonna have to do it himself... or at the very least, rely on the people around him to do that for him.

Yura eventually goes back home. She feels pure relief at getting her life back, at being reunited with her Satoru, with her little family, but she can't help but feel a twinge of sadness thinking of everyone in this other universe and what their lives must have been like. Her Satoru then jokes that she made his life better just by existing... but also he's kinda serious. Yura finds it hard to wrap her head around that.

(...Also she notices that her phone went missing...)

------------------------

Listen. I started writing this and I couldn't stop. Shit, I love thinking up AUs of my own fanfiction lmaooo I'm in too deep

(I've been thinking a lot about an AU where Satoru doesn't propose the soul binding ritual to save her life but instead proposes an actual marriage instead. And let me tell you, things would have gone wildly different lmaoo think being made to live together to prove your marriage is for real. his family pushing for them to consume the marriage otherwise they would declare it a fake. them enjoying consuming the marriage a little too much and being confused about their own feelings. and oh, perhaps an accidental pregnancy oh THE DRAMA (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

[alterin]

All The GazettE lives/perfomances available

I decided to organize everything I found (mainly for myself). Let me know if something is missing!

Beautifool's Fest 2003.

Tokyo Saiban ~Judgment Day~ 2004.1.16 fri SHIBUYA-AX.

Heisei Banka 2005.

Peace & Smile Carnival Tour 2005.

Maximum royal disorder 2005.

Nameless Liberty Six Guns 2006.

Decomposition Beauty 2007.

Neo Visual Kei - Manatsu no Utage 2007.

Tour 2007-2008 Stacked Rubbish Grand Finale [Repeated Countless Error].

Manatsu no Utage 2008 Live.

LEECH Live at MUSIC JAPAN 2008.

Gazerock Festival in Summer 08 [Burst into a Blaze].

Peace & Smile Carnival PS company's 10th Anniversary.

Tour09 - Dim Scene - Final At Saitama Super Arena 2009.

Tour 10 Nameless Liberty Six Bullets -01- 2010.

The 4th J-Melo Awards 2010.

The Nameless Liberty at 10.12.26 Tokyo Dome 2010.

SUMMER SONIC 2011 - 2011.09.16.

Inazuma Rock Festival 2011.

Tour11-12 Venomous Cell Finale Omega At 01.14 Yokohama Arena 2012.

Kishidan Banpaku 2012.

10th Anniversary The Decade Live At 03.10 Makuhari Messe 2012.

the 6th J-MELO Awards Live Special 2013.

live tour 12-13 【DIVISION】FINAL MELT LIVE AT 03.10 SAITAMA SUPER ARENA 2013.

Live at SUMMER SONIC 2013.

Kubana 2013.

LIVE TOUR 13-14 [MAGNIFICENT MALFORMED BOX] FINAL CODA LIVE AT 01.11 YOKOHAMA ARENA 2014.

STANDING LIVE TOUR14 HERESY LIMITED -Saiteigi- COMPLETE BOX 2014.

World Tour 2013 Documentary.

Kishidan Banpaku 2014.

Loud Park 2014.

Japan Night in Taipei 2015.

Tour 15-16 Dogmatic final -Shikkoku 2016.

World Tour 2016 Documentary, Dogmatic Trois.

Knotfest 2016 (I couldn't find the video, but I saw a news report that it was broadcasted on tv, so probably it should be somewhere on the internet).

Kishidan Banpaku 2016.

15th Anniversary Dainippon itangeish [BOUDOUKU GUDON NO SAKURA] 2017.

“BURST INTO A BLAZE 3” 2017.

Rock in Japan 2017.

Spooky Box 2 (ABYSS LUCY).

Countdown Japan 17/18.

Rock in Japan 2018.

Live Tour 18-19 THE NINTH FINAL (Live at 09.23 Yokohama Arena).

World tour 2019 Live in New York.

World Tour19 Documentary THE NINTH [99.999].

Rock in Japan 2019.

『BLINDING HOPE』LIVE AT 2021.12.23 TOKYO GARDEN THEATER

20th Anniversary -HERESY- 2022.

Probably I've missed something... And order isn't correct, but still.

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of lawn care

10:30pm, sunday, may 26, 2024

cut the grass today, and then went and spent two hours lolling around outside, sitting on a blanket that even now smells perfectly of summer

reading just finished kj charles' the henchmen of zenda (thank you @yogurtforever for mentioning it to me! please overlook the fact that i'm about to go off) and i have to say, surprisingly, this was a rare kj charles miss, for me! i still finished it, i still think i'm glad i read it, but from an author who i've adored all of her other work, it's odd to realize i didn't have as much fun here as i would have liked. two reasons for this, possibly, one that i think it was an early work for her [edit: nope came out in 2018] and two that i actually had read the source material of which this is an au, and i found it continually grating that this book's whole tone and style is set up to be cynical about the original prisoner of zenda novel. if you want the critique to really, actually matter, don't change so much! don't make your case by actually rewriting the entire personalities of the king and player-king, who in this turn into strawmen because they've literally been restructured to prove monarchy is awful. the other option, b), would be to step further away from the source material, in which case you need to stop quoting the original book and integrating so much of the original language. bah. this leaves us open for one of my most irritating little meaningless quibbles, which is that a character gets very self-righteous about what the original novel's narrator meant by using the term 'well-bred', to the point that i think ends up actually being ahistorical and weakening the overall critique we're trying to produce here.

charles is also trying to introduce more time and personality for the female characters (moderate success) and insert some revolutionary, 'hey wait a minute the best answer here is not a continuation of the monarchical system where everyone sucks' sentiment (middling to poor success). i just...found i really hated the idea that every character was Worse, Actually than in the original novel, although in fairness it is believable that the pov character here would think that, i guess. you chose a narrator who's going to take a cynical view of everything, and are trying to show how he allows himself to trust and/or like certain very few people, and it didn't make for a great reading experience.

the same, however, can't be said for the other two books here, although arguably they are also dealing with a narrator who is a) damaged and grieving b) gay. katherine addison's the goblin emperor was a christmas/birthday gift for me in...2022 and was such a gem, a gift in multiple senses, and this spring i have finally indulged in the two companion (?) novels, which i read voraciously on Eclipse Day and the weeks following, and then have turned around and listened to in audiobook almost immediately. the world of amalo is no less full of horror, death and injustice and corrupt or infuriating structures of power are a big part of the inciting action, but the time we spend seeing the people who are kind makes these so much more. pleasurable to read. plus the details of the city, the public transit, the tea houses, the opera, the belle epoque prague vibes. there's comparatively more death, more 'true crime' style mystery solving, more small vignettes of crime (reminding me that she does like writing cases like this, and making her her sherlock holmes au angel of the crows, pictured in ilcb 05/12/24 but not discussed, fit into place in a new way), but the lack of cynicism matters.

listening a lot of podcasts lately. had reason to try and sum up my podcast habit recently, and realized that i am really almost constantly listening to one, of some variety. i go through different moods and will switch between shows to find the right vibe rather than try to finish one all the way through. that being said, the list i tell people when asked 'oh what do you listen to?' is, like, 99% invisible (genuinely really enjoying the robert caro the power broker read-along, despite not reading the book-- it's fascinating) and articles of interest and ologies, whereas this week i think it was primarily no such thing as a fish, followed by normal gossip, followed by i hate it but i love it followed by some npr and crooked media pods (god help me, i do still check in on their election takes and will probably continue to do so out of morbid curiosity). the maxfun shows i listen to? are like family to me, and may be just as overlooked-- but you can bet that's where i'm turning first when stuck on a long subway ride.

watching had reason, last week, to sit down and watch the entire new season of gamechanger start to finish. y'all heard about this shit? gamechanger? anyone? yes? i bought dropout for myself and a few friends last year, and it has been the best possible investment. i love feeling the, like, increase in energy and stakes and creative chaotic potential in each new episode, each new show that gets added to the roster, but i love gamechanger til death do us part. hard to pick a favorite bit for cast psychic damage and resulting peak performances (second place?? bingo?? the timeloop??? sam says????) so let me here give a shout-out to the lesser memed episodes this season, the drawfee collab and the newlyweb game (scream) and beat the buzzer, all of which were so fun while featuring people i knew less or not at all. the little sam reich matryoshkas absolutely killed me. can we hear it for the motherfucking ART DEPARTMENT.

playing having beaten one of the colosseum of fools tournaments in hollow knight, i've gone back for round two and am now emotionally trapped until i can win this second one. since i need the pale ore from it in order to upgrade and do anything more challenging. so it goes. this has also meant that i turned back to other games, after not wanting to continue to die so very much. chants of sennaar was there waiting for me so politely, and i got through the third language and felt pretty accomplished after puzzling slash brute-forcing it i had to do to make things work. was not expecting the uh. the jumpscare, as it were, at the end of the bards' level. but look how gorgeous.

making made a pretty passable banana bread today. the ratio of banana to other ingredients was a little off, so it's largely just 'bread' and isn't too sweet, but it's more than edible.

working on ignoring my email inbox, ignoring my article revisions, ignoring my chapter edits--forgot to send out the email with discussion questions for our panel discussion which we meant to send out this friday, fuck! trying to make progress on paid tasks and stay on top of those hours before i leave, trying to also organize my trip which has meant, like it or not, getting back to some of those emails. also i found an article in welsh which i had been unaware of which will be Extremely Good to have read, even if it doesn't tell me anything too new, just so that i can prove i did. my footnotes always feel so anemic. hopefully this helps, and hopefully i speed up--currently reading about two pages an hour if i'm lucky.

[callmewrinkles3]

Just another girl

August 2018

The moment he heard those words, he could not stay in that room anymore. There were no words to describe how he felt, but it was like he suddenly fell ill from the inside. There was an achy feeling in his stomach, an ache in his chest, and a tight feeling in his chest. Even the room felt like it was spinning a little bit, but Dan tried to convince himself that it was just alcohol in his body. He knew his friends probably didn’t want to be rude, it was just a way to say it, but he couldn’t deal with it. “She’s just another girl, mate”. Even though it was just a bunch of words, they cut him like a knife.

Emma wasn’t just a girl. She wasn’t just some girl he met one night out and never saw her again. It was ten months after they met. Three months after the magical first night he got to kiss and be with her. If that wasn’t enough, he spent the last month by her side. After that night in her bed where they decided to be friends with benefits -which he thought was the best birthday present in the world- Dan somehow kept coming back to her night after night. He would drive to Milton Keynes to work or do his things during the day, but at night he found himself driving back to Em. Daniel tried to go to his apartment but drove back to Wembley to see her. If he wasn’t away in Germany or Hungary he would be by her side.

The tiny home she lived in was much more comfortable than his apartment. As much as he hated to hide from Blake, he was more than willing to do it. Daniel knew that it was his fault for making it appear that nothing was going on between him and Em. According to him, they were just good friends, leaving the rest of what was going on in the dark. It was part of a desperate attempt to protect her, but also the fact that he didn’t want anyone mentioning she was his fuck-buddy or something like that. He knew that if he heard someone say something like that, he would snap at them. That was the last thing he wanted to do. It wasn’t a fair justification, but with the year he was having he just didn’t need to hear a word about his life. He couldn’t hear a word about his Emmy.

It was his fault, but he couldn’t make anyone understand how those fairy lights and books all around her place made it home. He couldn’t make anyone understand how he was in love with her before admitting it to himself. He felt hard and fast, and he was still falling every single day for simple things. There was something familiar about seeing her around doing her thing while wearing his clothes. It was like he was meant to be there. He just wasted years being somewhere else with someone else. Instead, he could have been there between kisses, Taylor Swift songs, old books and crime shows on TV. Dan knew he was meant to be there in her bed, sleeping right in the middle of it with Emmy resting her head on his chest, and not alone on the edge of a cold hotel bed.

He wanted to be with her. It was as simple as that. He couldn’t put into words how he hated the fact Em couldn’t travel with him to LA during his summer break. He understood she had work and a life, but he hated it. She already left everything behind for a few days in July to go to Philadelphia with him to see the Reputation tour. Dan couldn’t ask her again to fly across the world with him, so he sucked it up and promised to see her soon.

But “soon” wasn’t coming soon enough. “Soon” was too far away. He never expected to miss her the second he left the apartment to go to the airport. He always missed her when he was away working in another country. He already missed her when she left the night they met, not knowing when or if he would see her again.

Dan missed her every day. They texted when he was away racing and when he was home in Perth, but now he got to spend days and nights by her side. He hated not seeing her for such a long time. Two weeks away felt like a lifetime. Exactly fourteen days away and he had it planned for months, but regretted it when Em couldn't join him. He had been there for nine of those fourteen days, and Daniel knew that night the tenth day would be the last one there.

He had too many beers that night, but as soon as those words reached his ears he got up. The excuse was making a phone call and returning in a few minutes. There was no phone call. He wished he could call Em and hear her voice but in London, it was too early and there was no point in waking her up. If he did, she would get scared and it was useless. He pretended to look for a number on his phone as he walked to the bedroom, but there was no call at all. As soon as the door was closed he grabbed his laptop and booked a ticket to fly back to London the next day. He needed to hug her and there was no point in staying in LA when all he wanted was on another continent. He needed to invent an excuse to say why he was heading back but he didn’t really care. He had to lie to his friends, and then keep the secret from Em long enough to surprise her. Once he got the ticket confirmation email, he sent a good morning text to Emmy so she could see it when she woke up. If he could put a smile on her face as soon as she was awake, he would be more than content with himself. All he wanted was to see a smile on her face and it was a wonderful bonus if he could kiss it to make it bigger. Dan knew he was probably insane, but he needed to get back. What if he didn’t hug her enough? What if he didn’t kiss her enough? He knew for sure he didn’t tell her enough how gorgeous she looked in the morning when she was still sleeping and he had to get up to go to the gym. In his mind, she was more than beautiful. She was something else, and he couldn't find the right words to describe how he felt about her.

Em wasn’t just another girl. She was all the good things in one incredible British woman. She was love personified. She was everything he wanted and more. Seeing her was like seeing the moon. All he could do was stare at her and wonder how lucky he was to spend time with the woman he loved so much. Daniel didn't want to be away from her or in Los Angeles, so he decided that in a second. It was better to leave his house there and return to the tiny cozy corner of London he had started to call home, which was the same place where his heart also lived.

[jules-has-notes]

Panic! in Four Minutes — VoicePlay music videos

All singers are performers, but VoicePlay have definitely earned their moniker as the theater kids of the a cappella world. When they decided to create a medley of PatD songs, they wanted their own accompanying videos to have a bit of the same short-film aesthetic as the band's original videos. What ensued was a mid-summer location shoot, a kidnapping scenario straight out of a heist film, and even a dramatic cliffhanger.

Details:

title: Panic! in Four Minutes, part 1

original songs / performers: all songs by Panic! At the Disco — "Victorious"; "I Write Sins Not Tragedies"; "Emperor's New Clothes"; "Miss Jackson", feat. Lolo; "The Ballad of Mona Lisa"

written by: all songs by Brendon Urie in collaboration — "Victorious" with Mike Viola, Morgan "White Sea" Kibby, Jake Sinclair, Alexander DeLeon, Rivers Cuomo, & CJ Baran; "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" with Ryan Ross & Spencer Smith; "Emperor's New Clothes" with Jake Sinclair, Lauren "Lolo" Pritchard, Sam Hollander, & Dan Wilson; "Miss Jackson" with Dallon Weekes, Lauren "Lolo" Pritchard, Jake Sinclair, Amir Jerome Salem, & Alex Goose; "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" with Spencer Smith, Butch Walker, & John Feldmann

arranged by: Layne Stein & Earl Elkins, Jr.

release date: 13 July 2018

My favorite bits:

the rhythm section's crisp beginning

that incredible chord from the end of the "Victorious" intro section doubling as a frightened scream

Earl's focused tone on that falling chromatic line

everyone slumping in their seats during the first transition

Eli's defiant rock grit on "Emperor's New Clothes"

slipping that key change into ♫ "anywa-ay-ay" ♫

adding chair and chain sounds to Layne's already impressive percussion (and using the latter as a radio edit)

J.None's lovely falling run on ♫ "rationality" ♫

such beautiful harmonies on "Ballad of Mona Lisa"

Geoff's subharmonic drop on ♫ "believe" ♫

.

Details:

title: Panic! in Four Minutes, part 2

original songs / performers: all songs by Panic! At the Disco — "This Is Gospel"; "High Hopes"; "Say Amen (Saturday Night)"

written by: all songs by Brendon Urie in collaboration — "This Is Gospel" with Dallon Weekes & Jake Sinclair; "High Hopes" with Jake Sinclair, Jenny Owen Youngs, Lauren "Lolo" Pritchard, Sam Hollander, William Lobban-Bean, Jonas Jeberg, Taylor Parks, & Ilsey Juber; "Say Amen (Saturday Night)" with Jake Sinclair, Sam Hollander, Lauren "Lolo" Pritchard, Imad Royal, Nathan Abshire, Suzy Shinn, Tom Peyton, Tobias Wincorn, & The Budos Band

arranged by: Layne Stein & Earl Elkins, Jr.

release date: 20 July 2018

My favorite bits:

the panicked (ha!) heartbeat sounds

Layne's gentle timbre on the opening of "This Is Gospel"

everyone jerking against their chains as Earl belts out ♫ "let me GOOO" ♫

the soft bell chords under Eli's lead section

Geoff rounding out the low end as Eli sings ♫ "all tied up" ♫

Layne putting his increasing frustration into the percussion through rhythmic breathing

Earl mouthing "What the fu–?!" when Geoff haphazardly tosses the key so far out of his reach

that blazingly high ♫ "SaturDAAAAY" ♫ from J.None

all the others cringing away from the bomb as much as they can when the timer nears the end and Geoff takes a wild guess at which wire to cut

finishing on pure octaves for that last ♫ "vic-tor-i-ous" ♫

Trivia:

These videos were filmed at an abandoned sawmill previously owned by the Wilson Cypress Co. in Palatka, FL. According to the guys' various anecdotes, the place didn't smell great, and there were some wasps flying around. The things they endure for their art.

The original PaTD videos for three of the songs included in this medley — "Say Amen", "This Is Gospel", and "Emperor's New Clothes" — contain a continuous story known as the Devil's Key trilogy. It stands to reason that the key around Geoff's neck is a reference to that.

One eagle-eyed viewer spotted another bit of PatD inspiration in the visuals for these videos.

J.None has said that the B5 wail in "Say Amen (Saturday Night)" is the highest note he's ever hit. Considering that he's a natural baritone, and now sings bass with the SeaChanters, that's darn impressive.

Similarly, Geoff's E1 at the end of "Ballad of Mona Lisa" was his lowest recorded note at the time. (He has, of course, surpassed that by half an octave in the years since then.)

Makeup artist Dana Bracewell from Makeup and Creative Arts provided the fake dirt and injuries. (No singers were actually harmed in the making of this video.)

The cover art was designed by VP's longtime friend and collaborator Rek Dunn.

The guys demonstrated the opening tape pull for production assistants Rek and Hayley in the trailer where they got gussied up. Hayley ended up doing it in the video.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by VoicePlay (@thevoiceplay)

The Facebook upload of "Part 1" racked up two million views in a day and a half, six million in less than a week, 10 million before the end of the month, and 15 million in just over three weeks. After six years, it's sitting just under 30 million.

It also nudged them over 600,000 followers on Facebook.

A fan brought the first video to Brendon Urie's attention on Twitter, and he passed it along to his fans, which certainly didn't hurt.

A few fan artists were inspired to capture the guys' predicament, and speculate about the aftermath.

art by amedamatoame (師旋)

art by Clara Meath & Leon King

VoicePlay's video for "Billie Eilish in 3 Minutes", released a little over a year later, is a prequel to this story, showing how they ended up in so much danger.

Some fans have embraced a headcanon that the video for "Queen in 5 Minutes" is the next episode in this story, and that Earl ends up in the hospital because Geoff cut the wrong wire and failed to stop the explosion.

The unified video was originally only available to Patreon patrons, but it was uploaded to VoicePlay's TikTok account after five years.

During a break in filming, Eli's shared a story about a mishap that occured while he was playing Fortnite.

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They also used their break time to practice a little stunt work.

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They even created a suitably dramatic trailer for this two-parter.

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A single-track audio version was later included on VoicePlay's "Citrus" album, which compiled most of the songs they recorded from 2017-19. Because the individual songs had already been made available digitally, that album is exclusively a physical item that can only be purchased at live shows or through their website.