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“But you look so feminine!“ Things misogynists say.

Last week was a rather a interesting one. Many folks felt it necessary to inform me that I resembled a woman. Each incident came as a surprise. I was sporting a beard style I used to wear, a van dyke beard in which the goatee is disconnected from the moustache as seen in this photo.

A woman said to me, excuse me, excuse me, are you a man or a woman? I looked over to her and simply asked in a polite voice “Why?” “You look feminine and I didn’t want to insult you”. I simply replied with a thank you and mentioned that I like feminine aesthetics. She made a puzzled expression, but then oddly enough, she identified herself as a straight woman & proceeded to hit on me.

The following day, at a restaurant/bar, the bouncer, this time a cis, het man, said to me. “Yo, you look like a woman with a chin strap.” He paused briefly before continuing, “My bad, I don’t intend to insult you by calling you a woman. You just look …. feminine.“ Like the previous encounter, I said thank you but added, “There’s nothing shameful about appearing to be a woman or seeming feminine.” The bouncer clearly didn’t understand, but I chose not to continue entertaining it.

Alas, (yes there’s more) for the third consecutive day, another a cis man, this time a gay man, strolled over to me at a bar and said “For some time I’ve been trying to determine if you were a man or woman, because you look like a dyke with a mustache. You just look really feminine. It’s weird.” Another patron attempted to correct him by stating, “You mean he looks femme, bro!” I said to both, “Thank you, I’m glad I look feminine.” The first guy’s eyes opened so wide, I thought they might pop out. The second man just smiled, but was a bit confused.

What is the moral purpose of these stories?

The fact that I may “pass” as androgynous isn’t really the point I want to get across for once.

Each of the aforementioned folx used a tone that connoted slight antipathy to women and femininity. They were so troubled by my looks, my feminine aesthetics because they associated femininity with women.

Why do we as society view femininity as repulsive? Why do we use femininity to directly or INDIRECTLY insult others?

Society has a femmephobia problem and its foundation is misogyny.

Society accepts a standard, that standard being the binary. Within that binary lies the cis gender man and the cis gender woman. The latter, the woman, is conceived as weaker and less competent. A woman is also viewed as less deserving of respect and rights. This standard is a consequence of patriarchy.

Patriarchy policies the boundaries of what it means to be a man, be perceived as a man, and how to behave as a man. Since a man is more highly esteemed, it’s assumed opposite, a woman, is scorned and condemned. This is misogyny. Furthermore, masculinity is held in a much higher regard than femininity also due as to patriarchy. The aforementioned characteristics attributed to women are considered feminine, and thus, anything vaguely resembling femininity in appearance or action is considered weak and less desired. Femmephobia’s origin is misogyny.

Femmephobia affects all genders, men, women, genderfluid folks, and non binary people. Gay men that shame femme men or say “no femmes” are femmephobic. Femme woman experience femmephobia when they are erased from the queer community because they don’t fit the status quo of what a queer woman is “supposed to look like." Similarly, bi, femme women are erased since most bi woman are immediately assumed to be straight. I could go into great detail about how trans women experience femmephobia, but Google search for “trans woman” + death" and I think you’ll locate an answer. Non binary femmes are looked down upon, and apparently androgyny is admired only when equated to masculine leaning folks with short haircuts. Many of the people above are not woman, therefore, not all of these instances are examples are misogyny. Nonetheless, when someone perceives me as a man & subtlety insults me by calling me feminine or a woman, it is misogynistic.

If you think negatively of women, femmes, femme presenting or feminine looking folks, then maybe it’s time to evaluate how your thinking and views are rooted in misogyny.

Misogyny isn’t cute.

Originally posted on @SteroidBeyonce

Please note: For transparency I do not identify as femme. I identify as androgynous and only write to my experiences.