#Maybe its cause i havent drawn in a hot moment

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 15

post directory

em: viola teas i am like. incapable of sleeping in

em: i woke up 10:30 on the dot and i thought. what the fuck

em: 10:30 is especially offensive bc it means the mcdonald’s breakfast is done

obsetress: brain immediately said viola up and about doing all the chores vacuuming with no sympathy for her constantly sleeping in snoring girlfriend dani clayton

obsetress: but nah i'm sorry for you that sucks

em: inspiring deranged viola behaviour is

em: the greatest gift of all

obsetress: god so true when u think about it

obsetress: not that viola vacuums, she def has cleaners but

obsetress: actually no

obsetress: she has cleaners but she's prob not satisfied and gets out her expensive vacuum she has no idea how to use and is clattering n making such a fuss

obsetress: and poor dani

em: she’s up and about rearranging things, she’s causing a ruckus,

obsetress: dani's like "you have just as bad insomnia as me and you're just... getting up? that early?"

obsetress: viola shrugs "i don't need that much sleep"

obsetress: "you do, though"

obsetress: she shrugs and disappears into the kitchen

obsetress: insomniac gf and insomniac gf

em: insomnia gfs

em: viola runs on like

em: supernatural element carrying over: viola is a little too good at running on no sleep and no one knows if she ages

obsetress: YEAH

em: i love a sorta, grounded real life show w like one or two unexplained ambiguously supernatural things that no one blinks at

obsetress: i was gonna be like

obsetress: i wonder what dani and viola do when theyre up not sleeping at night and then i was like

obsetress: Well,

obsetress: no they do that but they also do the most random borderline unhinged shit like

obsetress: dani tries new baking recipes and they sit on the countertop in their pjs or underwear or nothing and eat scones at three am

em: go for night drives

em: night drives aren’t even unhinged but they’re nice

em: but they don’t listen to music they listen to fucken podcasts

obsetress: that fuckin lorde song

[em note: it's supercut]

obsetress: they go to the roof and dani lays her head in viola's lap and stares at the stars while viola reads to her in french

obsetress: ugh i put it on oh god why did i put it on

[em note: it's still supercut]

obsetress: in my head.........

obsetress: i do everything right............

obsetress: when you call............

obsetress: i'll forgive and not fight.............

obsetress: ours are the moments.........i play in the dark OH MY GOD VI'S INSOMNIA AFTER DANI LEAVES AND SHES ALONE

em: ur a MONSTER

obsetress: i need to lay on the floor and put this song on repeat

obsetress: anyway um

obsetress: another thought from when i was thinking about the vacuum like

obsetress: viola has a degree of learned helplessness that all rich people have but she's not an idiot like the rest of them yknow and i think like

obsetress: she had to do a lot when she and perdita were kids!

obsetress: after her mom died

em: hannah......

obsetress: and then after her dad died before she married arthur and like

obsetress: then being a single mom (viola lloyd single mom i'm drooling) even w all the help she can afford

obsetress: she has a chip on her shoulder and Does Things For Herself but also just

obsetress: sometimes it happens! there's never enough time and never enough help!

obsetress: and she loves isabel so much like

obsetress: viola making isabel her lunches

obsetress: oh god

em: making her little lunches at like 2am bc it’s been a busy day and she’s tired and she’s sore and she’s sad but the one thing viola will never skip is like

em: making sure isabel gets her lunches

em: hey what is wrong with us

obsetress: GOD YEAH

obsetress: EXACTLY

obsetress: HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING ABOUT HER MAKING THEM AT TWO AM UGH

obsetress: anyway um yeah viola making isabel her lunches at two am

obsetress: i know that i wrote jamie leaving flora notes on her napkins but like

[em note: read 'and she taught me a lesson alright']

obsetress: i just think it's something a mom who really loves her kid and wants them to feel safe and okay would do so i want to say vi does it for isabel too!!! and what of it they're different universes it's fine

em: ur just building the hannah obsetress cinematic universe

em: building up some Themes and Motifs

obsetress: themes motifs and symbols

obsetress: anyway viola packing isabels lunches she writes little notes and puts on lipstick n kisses them

obsetress: so isabel can get a kiss from her mom

em: im going to kill u w my bare hands

obsetress: cut to vi in the bathroom wiping it off later à la jennifer check

em: im GONNA

obsetress: sometimes when vi has to go out of town for business or w/e she leaves a stack of napkins with arthur to put in isabel's lunch so she can still get a kiss from her mom even when she's gone

em: thats so extra??

em: its so viola

obsetress: exactly

obsetress: she definitely has a fear of isabel favoring arthur over her (abandonment issues etc etc)

obsetress: gestures at canon

—-

em: dani 'its casual' taylor

obsetress: leave the typo

obsetress: dont you dare change it

em: i need u to know that i DO fuck but

em: hgfngjkyhGJBJKFHD FUCK

em: ruined my own joke

obsetress: in the most spectacular way

em: dani 'i need you to know i DO fuck but im accepting offers' clayton

obsetress: she takes care to drop that like

obsetress: it's just casual SHE'S not anything serious. i'm not dating HER or anything

obsetress: jamie's like dani i know you're gay you literally stare at my lips every time i talk

em: dani getting off the phone and dramatically rolling her eyes like 'ex girlfriends, am i right? whats up with these women i-' and jamies like love i get it

obsetress: jamie raising her eyebrows "how many ex girlfriends do you have"

obsetress: dani's like "well, just the one, but"

em: but i COULD have more. if i wanted to. bc i am looking to date more women

em: jamies like ok cool

obsetress: jamie, a little too casually: oh? any, uh. prospects?

em: danis like (patented nervous dani lip bite) maybe but

em: jamies like drat

em: jamies like darn

em: and then she gets home and shes like

em: wait

obsetress: jamie calling dani back "when you said maybe"

obsetress: and dani immediately is like yEAH?

em: jamies like do you think you could ever be interested in me and danis like umm. yeah.

em: jamie hangs up like ok cool

em: long beat

obsetress: oh my GOD

em: REDIALS

---

obsetress: ok last thing i was gonna say

obsetress: i meant to say this earlier and got distracted a hundred times over

obsetress: but um imagine dani helping isabel with her english homework

obsetress: vi helping isabel with her math homework

em: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

em: SOFT

obsetress: well,

em: oh no

obsetress: isabel needing help w her english homework post dani and vi's trying to help and vi's smart n all but

em: get HELP

---

em: dani 'hooking up w my ex is actually a v girlboss of me' is SO funny to me

em: when they get together danis like, oh but havent we all- and jamies like nooo i have very good boundaries

em: except for the perdi vi psychosexual power play ig

obsetress: moment of weakness

obsetress: who wouldn't want to hook up w their hot boss

—

obsetress: when dani goes up to london whatever weekend like friday night to get her closure dinner with vi

obsetress: boom haircut and therapy reveal

em: 3 day bender u say

obsetress: all of a sudden it's sunday night and

obsetress: YEAH

obsetress: they spend

obsetress: all fucking weekend

obsetress: in vi's bed

em: sighs dreamily

obsetress: dani playing with her hair

obsetress: "this is nice"

obsetress: "i'm gonna miss your bun though"

obsetress: vi's brain is short circuiting at "i'm gonna miss"

em: later danis like look. jamie. what would you have done? and jamie chokes on her beer and splutters 'not fuck my ex for 3 days straight?!'

obsetress: dani "well you've never fucked v–– oh wait"

obsetress: "you really can't blame me, jamie, you KNOW" jamie: (grumbles)its different... dani: well i mean i guess, technically, you didnt,

obsetress: unrelated in some bad fight at the end vi is like "you can't go isabel needs a–– you're like her–––" and dani's like "a what? say it" and viola's too stubborn and proud and hurt to say it

em: just perpetually bouncing back to the worlds angstiest break up

obsetress: i don't know WHY

obsetress: as someone who HATES ANGST

obsetress: i am so DRAWN to these two

em: its ummmm weirdly cathartic??

em: the whole exes au is based on a joke about them being friends and exes. we are v firm in like. viola and dani reconcile!

em: idk i love a catharsis moment! i love it when a character claws their way to happiness. or even begrudgingly goes to therapy

em: viola can go through a little hell as a treat

obsetress: turns out the only one who could fix her in the end

obsetress: was the one who said it's not my job to fix you

em: dani transformative power of (platonic) love

obsetress: "Platonic"

[thyrideneverends]

(2017)

Escritos que encontre del año 2017 . Y conversaciones conmigo desde el año 2020 ([]).

____________________________ AAAHGH IM SO FUCKING SAD. I cant help but feel that im rotting. I dont want pity; people helping; people empathizing. FUCK YOU. I can do better than you. I DO. In fact. I havent been blinded, and hate everything around me as an excuse for giving my life away for what it was supposed to be. [this could be missunderstod since i was clearly angry 4 something i dont recall, I was refering to people in general, how they put themselves above the others, how they always wanna get "there" first, how they talk trash about their relationships, the anger, the hate that breeds out of them when they are wronged(even if there`s no purpose or whatsoever to cause them, specifically, any troubles), the screaming, the violence, that kind of hate..]

I dont want to just 'be happy' because I have to; so I reject happiness. But I want to feel it like something real and not made up.. does that makes sense? Thats a paradox i cant escape lately. [thats deep man, fortunately we figured that out. Have we figured that out? Happiness now is closed for manteinance ^-^ ]

I cant find pleasure in anything.. I destroyed everything..[you had to start somewhere, right?] I cant find meaning in anything.

I just need someone, i just need not to be alone. But I am; Even surrounded by everyone. I know I am. I know you are too.. I hope you are strong enough to endure it.

[hablabas de otro tipo de soledad, lo se, pero vos todavia no lo sabias, o si?]

_______________________

Sometimes I feel like I forgot an important part of being alive. I remember a different version of myself from a few years back. I feel like I'm just existing; nothing pushes my happy button. And when I'm not strong enough to think that it's fine; that I don't need that.. I will just panic questioning myself why, the reason for me not belonging. I know it's fine; I know I can just spend the rest of my..50years left? just doing this; living this eternal circling hell. You might say it's a choice.. That I don't put that much effort into it. That I'm just playing this part. Complaining my ass off. And to that.. I can only say I'm sorry.. I'm doing the best I can. [I know you were.. truly; and u did a great job never letting me down] _________________________________________

Why are we even here right.. What powers you? You wake up, work or study, ingest food, sleep. Repeat. To finish your career and become something.. To earn enough money to become someone.. Be better in what you're doing or you'll be out. You'll be useless. You'll be garbage. We[the system] won't need you.. And then we have to be happy about it.. We have to function collectively happy and there's no room for the outcasts.. And IM to blame for it.. I could be happy like all of them.. But I'm just sitting my ass here thinking what else I can sabotage, in order to understand why it's unnecessary and wish to be also capable of that... Just capable maybe of.. not be weird; not be me.. And sometimes thats all that matters. That Im me.. And I love not being a part of them. I just can never get a hold of that moment and make it last.. I will feel alone just a moment after. [Im so glad we worked our loneliness, I mean, we have such fine moments in silence..]

____________________________________________

Aah... I was just given advice by a hot girl on tinder about how should I type, express and resume myself so the person on the other side of the screen won't stop replying thinking I'm an idiot.. She basically said :- "hey, you're an idiot but maybe a cute one. Here's human help. Just stop being you and people will like you" Y'know what? that's bullshit... It makes me so anxious that it happens all the time. There's always someone judgin. Not only online; real life is the worst. I just don't fit in here I guess. I'll keep talking with the tinder girl, maybe and get emptynessly laid, why not? But I think I hate this.. I hate that everything craves for a definition and people just won't LOOK; Im hidden among them... God how I wish to know who's there ravaging their brains with questions while walking in that empty crowd. I wish I could find you and ask just what you were thinking there. At that unique moment. You are not alone... But if you feel like I do; I wonder if you also wonder. I wonder if we're just very far away from each other.. I wonder if it`s true that there can only be one of us by this cosmic rule that goes: only one 'you/me' for every thousand people. Or.. maybe it's just me. Too old to be an idiot... Too idiot to fully be himself around smart well adjusted people. I guess it's a matter of perspective. isn't it pretty much all? Have a good night stranger.. [Not so stranger.. my dude.. U didn't get laid btw, you couldn't pull through with that. And then you promised you wouldn't lie about who you are.. You wouldn't ever play another role other than the one you are. Well, it was more like a statement than a promise, to yourself. I was there.. Best decision you ever made. You mutated loneliness into a condition, a simple symptom of your choice of living; instead of a disease on itself.. Very clever.]

_____________________________________________

You don't have to read but if you wanna unload please write it down. Everything u hate.. or love; This I wrote on my personal account but it makes me anxious to open myself to judgy people, so I erased it.. We live to judge because we love fixing things that didn't go right with us. Never understanding each perspective is unique. Well Im gonna paste it here because I don't want to lose it.. I don't want something I really meant to be just a deleted thing..(even if it is)

Have u ever felt like you're unique or different?   But then just analyzing, we all just walk towards and objective. We don't do things just because. You don't get up every day to just go to work.. to just have breakfast or go shopping, idk; people set goals. We follow patterns. We repeat the same exact thing to strangers of the streets. The same exact things other strangers reply to us.. We are the same NPCs to others. And then realizing this I just wanna scream PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS. Please look at me! I don't want this. I don't want to be aware of this.. I don't want to feel I'm just to you what you guess I am. What's the point of everything? How do I get to know who I am if I'm always this self-centered stupid attempt of somebody? Nobody wants that. Sometimes I am glad to be "awake". To be different from the other people in their bubbles... But most of the time I'd give EVERYTHING to be exactly like that. Because I feel lonely. Because I have so many friends, but we can't communicate. Because I've lost the ideal of love because at a certain point I was scared of being a problem and it hurts so fucking much. I don't think I am special.. or more intelligent or cultural, I just feel I have a different degree of "profoundness" than most other people. It's not something I talk about or show, most of the time i pretend to fit in, but I don't. I can fool myself for periods, I've fooled myself for so many years now, but in the end it always comes back, I can't hide it forever. it hurts so much. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse and I feel like a fucking show-off that just wants attention..

[I felt that.. dude. You write beautifully..]

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Hi person reading this. Be nice, life is full of shitty people. Make a tiny difference; someday we're all gonna die so its cool. Dont hold grudges ^^ . [^^]

______________________________________________

We are all just internet jesters shitposting to fill the void Even if you're just taking selfies and being beautiful while loving life, smiling to nothing and eating healthy shit while showing off the new place you just visited to a bunch of strangers that doesn't give a fuck about you .. (actually those are the worsts) yeah.. (Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's bad. I do that too ! we like showing ourselves to others..) Screaming... I exist. Notice me sempai. We just are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

________________________________________________ *draw of myself* [couldnt find it anywhere, where did u put it D: . i remember the sad expression] I know It has a lot of imperfections but so do I. I guess this is how I see myself.. Maybe I just wanted it to be like that. To express something to myself. I still feel like a little kid sometimes even tho I'm 25; "I just can't play with the other kids because I feel different and they make me feel different." Now I can't play with the adults, they're too adults. They make me feel too adult; i need to act up every move to become like them. And then alone, I can be at peace being who I wanna be; But it gets lonely from time to time; Not being able to understand who are you really; where are you really above the necessity of impersonating this other dude to get laid, get the job, get the money. And for what?.. Just to keep doing it because there is really no other choice.. How sad. But anyway. Ever tried to draw yourself? To see what's the image of you that you hold in your head.. if u truly do it; it doesn't matter if you know or not how to proyect yourself.. Every trace you make on that paper is a creation this world has never seen.. your chance to make a difference; it doesn't have to be trendy or impact in mankind. I suppose that's what I call art. And that's why art is everywhere.. Everything that can never be repeated.. Anything that comes from you; or life itself. A random amount of dirt.. Sunlight getting through the leaves of a tree.. Pieces of a broken cup and the stain of coffee in the carpet.. I'm not an artist myself tho; never considered myself even close to one.. I haven't drawn in years.. This is my first one in a long time; I just felt like it.

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[22azania2]

What is life to me ?

The polarity of things creates new scales of balance and ideas. To every concept exist it's contrary; hot and cold, fragile and strong, black or white. All those concepts have a contrary whit whom it is often attached to but can also live without. 

When you think about life, it can be seen as plural experience like it can be seen as an individual one and as human being we have the chance to see both side of it. We all know the objective truth about life. The objectif troth as to What is life really ? 

The real truth is that life objectively is 'the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.'. Simply, the objective truth, the 'real' truth about life is that it s a place for growth, renewal, time period between birth and death. Life, is also associated to the body, as earthlings, life shows through our body, and this concept only could be another subject but this really only a mental note; back to our subject. Life shows through our body, without body in this 3D experience we are not seen as 'alive', we are 'lifeless' as I may say. 

This is what life is on the logical scale, for the real truth matter. But, if you ask someone in the streets what life is changes are that you will come across a bunch of different ideas and conception about what life is. People always add extra adjective to what life is, a great and good life, an healthy beautiful and wealthy life, a wonderful life. And to each adjectives comes a different meaning for each, people will say. I believe that as people 'living', or more like : navigating in a capitalist society,  living a 'ameliorative adjective' life is living comfortably, without money problems and healthily. Obviously the scale of money income can change but overall thats the idea. But see, there's so much different aspects within different aspect on what life can mean to one, this is were the line between objective matter and subjective matter, 'real' truth and subjective truth. What life is to one might not be the same for another one and the beautiful truth -may be untrue- is that, the only one who can make it true is you. The subjective matter of life is shown through you, all the individual lifetimes creates an other definition of what life is, theres no right there is no wrongs to subjectif truth and it is especially true when it comes to what life is to you.

I've gained knowledge on many aspect of life, from energy fields to relationship, to the main aspect of it which is myself I've always missed one point, and, although im trying not to overwhelmed my self with new informations on those various subjects, I've always found myself looking for the missing piece in other people story and timelines : what is life ? And not on a objective matter, but What is life to me ?

As crazy as it may seen I've never went deeply into myself to know what the fuck life is to me. I was never getting stuck into knowing that but I just never really tried to know, and to me, in my personal journey it is one of the most if not the most important question to ask to myself. 

I found that I often, like most humans I believe, am not confortable in the unknown. Not knowing is such a scary things; starting project without knowing if its going to work, starting a new dish with the incertitude that it might taste good, see failure and un-achievement take a big place in my life. Life itself doesn't require any questions around if you are going to make it or not, objectively it doesn’t even matter. Life already has a meaning for itself so I shouldn't be scared to add some flavor to it. Lastly, my life would always be infused and inspired by other people lifes and that's were you see how collapses realities act and what they can do on one person. Here's a little entry to my head. 

Disclaimer : ideas will not always be 100% clear as Im going to put myself in a state of extreme rawness it is more of tool for me to know really what life is to me, it's a genuine questioning time that I just tried to compact in here. 

As I already pointed out, as we live in a capitalist society our way of thinking will always flow with the capitalist view. As detached as you are from it -and lets be honest not everyone has the privilege to completely disidentify with it-, you will always feel a certain attach to your capitalist ways, and one main reason is : money matters. This may be seen as a subjective matter, but it is my matter. Some people will tell you that you don't need money to be happy, to me, this is only bulshit... I do strongly and oh my goodness my needs think like me that money is important. However, I distinguish the need of money with need of peace of mind, because I can. Therefore I don't want to identify 'making it' in life with money as the main center. Making it to me looks like me being older and having done as much things as I wanted to do throughout my life time. Making it will always have different meaning. In the smaller scales, I already made it. I had goals for myself, younger about ascending, which I did, and I came to the understanding that life was made of healing, constant healing. Today I have different goals for myself, I have different needs etc. I also learned that I shouldn't live up to the perfect idea of what making it is to me. I don't want to put boundaries in making it, I want to create my own recipe for each sauce in order to make it. Im not scared of failings and changing fields, trying new things. Obviously there some areas where I'd really like to make it but that's the reason I know that when you program your mind into one goal it doesn't let go, at least for me. I don't want to put limits to my life, to my experiences and everything. Because we live in such a vast universe and with my believes, -which are in reality felt by many others just not articulated the same way-, life is unpredictable. So why should i put limitations to it or only certain goals and not seeing all the other things possible ? And im not saying that because I really feel like I will never be in the same field my whole life, well, maybe thats the main reason why I think like that... At the end of the day it is my story and I like to call myself an experimentalist. Im always in for a new ride a new experience it is what makes me feel alive. It is why I love to create so much because it provides a new experience, why I love to connect so much again it creates new experiences. Experiences might be the core of my life, what keeps me feeling alive. Because as I explained in the beginning, life in it's objective matter is the place for growth and a body living because of it's heart beating, but what keeps you alive is different, and this were comes the subjective matter. This matter, helped creating religion and spiritual belief because the consciousness doesn't identify with its living body because it knows that it's still alive without it, the consciousness lives through thinking and peeling the reasons why its here and many spiritualist showed that it actually only needed to be in the present moment. So as im writing that im sensing that having a goal is a really ego way of seeing life. I gave my honest and pretty materiatistic definition of life, because, ego is part of me and I don't want to get rid of it entirely because what would be the point of entirely putting aside a part of myself -again could be an interesting aspect to discuss on-. That is another reason why I will not beat myself up because I 'did not take it' only because it is my story and im sticking to it.-hopefully you listened to sza's album CTRL-

Therefore, I still havent gave a 'true' definition on what life is to me. Well, it is only a game. At a certain point of my life I even felt like it was a simulation but I quickly came to realization that this belief was not meant for me. I'd rather see it as a game. I play, you play, we all play. Using the word 'play' also puts everything in perspective and it helps detaching from the matter of life. As a privileged person, saying that life is a game gives it a lighter dimension, it makes things less serious and harsh, cause life be damn harsh. I understand that if I play, others do to so I might as well play to my fullest and certainly play to please myself. I also see life as the fourth elements, I recognize that the four elements, air, water, earth and fire, are the pin-points of the Man kind experience. I had an awakening on those elements and what they represent in my life or should I say in my experience of life. These elements are obviously important in physical matter as they also are in mind matter. Just like christians with transubstantiation, I see those physical matter transform into mind matter, lecons or even traits of personality for some (blame it on astrology). Without elements there is no life, no human life, no plants, no animals no nothing. Nature, is a unconditional source of learning, physical and mentally. 

I think, for now, my idea of life is to just do it, to stop chasing the dream and to stop limiting myself but rather to act and live the dream. Life is what was offered to me before all the Man creation, Life is in me, through me and around me.It was important to me to find a definition for myself because I'm all about knowing how to navigate through certain wave, and if I don't know what wave life is to me I might drawn. And although drawing would most likely happen because my mind is constantly changing, I needed a structured self explanation to know where I am physically. We all know where we are, right now im in my bedroom, in my bed for more details, but I didn't know and feel really where I was in terms of space. In which picture do I want to set myself ? In which movie do I feel more confortable playing ? Those are the questions I think I answered and I think everyone should answer -to this questions and or more questions that come to mind because at the end it is your life- because we live in a world were everyone has expectations  but most of the people don't even know where they are, people are lost and losing there ground that is there life.  I don't think you should stay in a shell and hide yourself from the world even if you have the opportunity to, unless you really want to. I just think that your reality should be your main priority. There is no picture perfect life obviously but you have the choice to make it something that is yours. Create your reality. Obviously, with social medias, friends, family members and every other big institutions like church, school, work etc it is hard to own your reality. That is the reason why you should always hang around people who inspires you to live in your reality and respects it, not everyone will because your reality comes from a subjective matter. Own your reality in ways that it helps you grow and flowing in the wave of life, but, don't own it with the ego, own it for yourself and for no one else. If it ends up resonating with other people realities it is beautiful if not its okay. But don't surround yourself with people who take you out of your ground and directly your grind; because its when you know in which game you want to play that you start making decision towards it.