#Maybe badminton but it's on thin fucking ice

[themintman]

Your shitting me

[smokedanced]

There’s a moment, no more than a few seconds long:  Ed’s mask falters.  Briefly, he seems almost as lost as he feels.

That’s all it’s ever really been, a mask. The role of Blackbeard. Something to dress up in, a reputation to uphold, a shield to hide behind, as much as that mask has been made a home in the past decades. The version of it he’s been donning the past few weeks is something new; bigger, stronger, louder, because he’d needed it to be, to be able to keep hiding inside it. The role he plays to run from himself and the bleeding state Stede Bonnet left his heart in.

Lips press into a thin line. Edward vanishes, Blackbeard emerges.    ❝ The fuck makes you think I give a fuck about him?! ❞    he shouts back. If they don’t know Stede matters to him. Maybe...

But the fact that he’d signed his life to the English navy in order to save Stede’s life speaks for itself, he supposes. Could undermine that strategy. Fuck...

Did he really get it so wrong? He had looked for Stede. Stede didn’t... Stede left him! Stede wasn’t... No, this isn’t how it was, not how... Not Stede, tied to the mast. Not Stede, Badminton’s prisoner, having suffered shit knows what because... because...

Because it was Ed who failed Stede, not the other way around.

Well.

Well, then.

They’ll all go down together, then.

❝ Fire, ❞    Blackbeard says, his tone cold as ice.

The Revenge sits silent, suspended in the eye of a storm.

Izzy says something from his right, a protest, a voice of reason, Ed’s sure, but he isn’t listening.

❝ Fucking fire! ❞    he repeats, the ice in his voice combusted by a raging wrath. Badminton thinks he’s not gonna sink them just because Stede’s on board? Too fucking bad for him.

The cannon fire erupts from both vessels at the same time, the air full of shouting and gunpowder.

Edward storms overboard, into the ocean. He’s not quite sure what he swims for: to go down in the crossfire? For Stede’s rescue? For Badminton’s head? The odds aren’t great for anything but the first option. If the English vessel is actively sinking, getting on board, releasing Stede, getting him to safety, even assuming his own ship is still standing, seems impossible. They’ll drown... they’ll be shot to death by the English... But fucking hell this ends here. One way or another, this ends here.

@vocesofmd

@smokedanced (Ed) liked for a starter [x]

Stede had been on his way to meet Ed at the small dock so that they could both escape and be together when he was met in the forested area by Chauncey and his men. He tried to run, calling out to Ed in the hopes the other would hear him but was quickly overwhelmed and recaptured.

He had no idea how much time had passed, days or weeks or more, when Chauncey transported him from the small, cramped prison cell he had been keeping him in to his ship. Throwing him in the hold with a burlap sack over his head.

Having be gloating daily, punishing Stede repeatedly for his brother, Chauncey had enjoyed every single moment of it and was intending on enjoying what was coming next just as much. If not more.

For Chauncey had been charged with bringing Blackbeard to justice. By any means necessary. It took several weeks before they came to the situation they were in.

Chauncey's ship was a small distance away from The Revenge with Stede currently tied to the mast with the bag still on his head, almost unconscious. Chauncey was stood on the deck, shouting across to Blackbeard and what little crew he had.

"I have no idea how anyone could follow someone like you. Pretending you care but then turning tail and running. Leaving people behind to save your own skin." He smirked in distain and amusement. "People you pretend to care about... You never even bothered to go back and look for him, did you. All of it is your fault. You are the reason I got to get revenge for my brother. Over and over... I should thank you before I kill you...and him."

[hoseokmylovesworld]

Picture of Love | 09

Pairing: Photographer!Hoseok x OC x Producer!Yoongi

Genre/Warnings: Hoseok AU/Yoongi AU/Includes strong language, anxiety, panic attack

Words: 4,694

Summary: Charlotte Galloway is the leader of the up and coming girl band, “She-Bang”, with a side hustle as a photographer for anyone who will hire her.  She meets a fellow professional photographer named Jung Hoseok who helps “She-Bang” realize their dreams and Charlotte to make a love connection along the way.

"Yup...Yes ma'am!...Thank you so much Aubrey, we really appreciate it!...Thank you, you too!" I hang up the phone with the club owner of the Mezzanine, thus closing the deal of performing there tomorrow night. "Good news girls!" I shout, exiting the bathroom of the hotel room. "Oh yeah?" says Leyah from her trusty bed.

Does she ever move?

Carrie sat on the floor at the foot of my bed in between Vicky's legs, who was braiding her hair.

"I have just setup a gig at the Mezzanine for tomorrow night." I say smugly walking into the room. "Aw fuck yeah!" Carrie cheers from her spot on the floor causing the rest of our eyes to widen and us to giggle. "That's great. That place we went clubbing at a few days ago?" Leyah specifies. "Yup. Called the club owner and asked if we could do a set. She was uneasy about it, then she watched some of our YouTube videos and agreed to pay."

"Why have we never performed there before? I feel like we hit every place in San Fran." Vicky questioned, not taking her focus off of Carrie's intricate fish tale braid for a second. "Yeah me too, I guess we just overlooked this one." I shrug and go to mine and Leyah's joint closet to pick out an outfit my 'do-over' date with J-Hope. We're supposed to be going to dinner and then to his close friend's art exhibit/auction downtown

I was pleasantly surprised to hear that J-Hope was an art lover like myself and that we had something else to bond over. Of course we both had an appreciation seeing as we both love photography, but the topic of French art in particular tickles my fancy and J-Hope's friend just happened to be a French artist.

"Going somewhere, Char?" Leyah asks from behind me. I've been found out.

"Yeah...J-Hope and I are going out tonight. Don't wait up for me." She laughs.

"Three nights in a row...Someone's infatuated." She drawls in her low register. I visibly cringe at the use of the world. "If that's the word you wanna use." I whisper, suddenly disinterested in the conversation. "Oh, yeah. No, that's definitely the word I want to use." She laughs at my discomfort, as per usual and the girls join her. I just roll my eyes and continue my search. "Let me help you." She offers and joins me at the wardrobe. That's what I loved about my best friend. If you fell, she would definitely laugh at you, but she would always be there to help you up in the end. "Where you going anyway?" She asks looking through her clothes as well.

"I actually didn't ask. He just said we would get something to eat and then go to his friend's art exhibit to support, but I was all for it when I heard the words 'French' and 'art' in the same sentence." I share, getting excited about the whole thing once again.

"So, hella fancy." Leyah nods, searching faster, seemingly knowing what to look for now.

"I don't know about hella fancy, but a good amount of 'I'm here because I give a fuck' you know?"

"Totally. Here we go...Wait 'til lover boy sees you in this." Leyah pulls out a short sleeveless, black top that would expose my mid-section and a long, black pencil skirt covered in detailed rose patterned lace.

      "Oh, Leyah. This is perfect! Where were you hiding this!?" I take the items and hold them to my chest in elation. She just shrugs. "I never have any reason to dress up anyway, maybe I was saving it for this moment." She winks at me quickly before making her way back to her bed. I just smile to myself before finding a pair of black leather heels to pair it with. This act makes me feel more confident about tonight in that things might actually be successful this time.

That's right. Jay is gonna take me out and we're gonna have fun and we're gonna laugh and he's gonna take me home and we're gonna do it all  over  again.

I chant this in my head over and over again to rid myself of the paranoia that surrounds me twenty-four seven about the whole dating ordeal. I shake the thoughts away as I hop onto my bed and reach for my phone to inform our fans of our performance tomorrow, attaching one of my favorite photos from the shoot yesterday. After uploading the photos and the jam session to our social media and switching out our profile pictures, we've actually gained lots of followers on different platforms. We even got a couple dm's from wannabe producers looking to work with us. Who knew a few professional pictures could make such a difference. Around 6:30 I get off my ass and start doing my make-up, I decide to go for a dark, bold and smokey look with a red lip to match the look Leyah let me borrow. J-Hope texts me he's waiting for me in the lobby at 7:32 so I say goodbye to the girls, who were nice enough to wish me good luck, and head down to meet him.

He's sitting in the lounge area near the front entrance when I first see him. He's in a fitted, silvery-grey suit and a spotless white dress shirt. God this guy looks gorgeous in anything.

"Jay!" I greet as I get closer to him. He looks up, a huge smile splitting across his face as he got up to greet me properly. His eyes rake up and down my body as we get closer. "Wow, you look...incredible, Charlotte." He says, openly checking me out and pecking me on the lips, not that I minded, but I will never get used to that.

"Thank you! I love the suit." I respond as his arm wraps around my bare waist, sending shivers up my spine. "Thanks, I wore it just for you." He looks to me with a smug smirk and my insides get flooded with heat and butterflies at the sight.

This. Will. Go. Well.

"So, where are we going?" I ask as we get into the car. "Oh, this neat place near the exhibit called Michael Mina. I figured French food before we look at some French art would be perfect, wouldn't you agree?" He glances over at me.

"I can get behind that." I can't help myself as I grab my phone out of my clutch and Google this restaurant. Five stars. Of course.

The restaurant had a very futuristic feel to it and the decor consisted of several shades of tans and browns and the place was packed. We sit at a table along the wall and the conversation flows between us as usual.

"Have you always wanted to be a photographer?" I ask before stuffing a piece of lobster in my mouth. "Oh. Yeah-well, since freshman year of high school. Before that, I had been taking pictures from the moment my mom put a camera in my hands when I was four." He laughs to himself as if remembering something he found funny. "I used to try to recreate my favorite movie scenes with my friends and capture those."

"Oh, I gotta see that." I laugh shameless, bringing my drink to my lips.

"Yeahhhhh, no way in hell. Anyway, did you always want to be a musician?" He asks, giving me his undivided attention.

"Oh...No...But I always admired them and then one day...I picked up a guitar and keyboard." I sigh, trying not to think so much about that day in particular, but I offer the information anyway because I want J-Hope to know this 'relationship' is two sided, whatever that relationship may be at this point.

"As a child you mean?"

"No... Recently... A few years ago actually."

"Wow... That's impressive. The way you play seems like you've been doing it for much longer." He smiles sweetly. I had a hardass teacher.

"Thanks." I return the expression. "Of course. So, did you play sports in school?" He keeps the conversation flowing so well.

"I played volleyball in high school. It's my favorite sport." I say smiling brightly at those memories. "I can totally see that...Specifically you in compression shorts running around a court." J-Hope's gaze narrows and focuses in me with a menacing smirk. Goddamn those lips.

I reach over the table to swat his arm. "You are on thin ice, Jay." I say threatenly while running my foot up his leg gently.

His jaw drops the slightest bit and he runs his tongue over his front teeth before he gathers himself and responds briefly. "I'm counting on it Charlotte." Before winking and eating his food once again.

Well, it's good to know he's a flirty, hornball just like me.

"What about you? Ever play sports in school?"

"Oh no, I can't even finish a game of badminton." He detests, causing us to giggle profusely. "What kind of student were you?" He questions.

"Eh, kept to myself, bit of a loner. Marks weren't so great either." I answer easily, J-Hope nods understandingly. "Me too." he replies. I raise one eyebrow at him. "I don't believe that. You're so smart." He smiles shyly. "Thanks, Charlotte. So are you." I nod in thanks, not really believing the compliment, but accepting it nonetheless.

"So what kind of kid were you?" He asks suddenly.

"So many questions."

"I'm a curious guy." He shrugs.

"... A pain in the ass." J-Hope nearly chokes on his drink from laughing.

"I'll bet. You and your friends get into a lot of trouble?" He assumes.

I shake my head, looking down at my food. "... I didn't have many friends, still don't. It was mostly just me and my cousin. Maeve. We were always together." I huff out a bitter laugh.

"Do you still talk?" He inquires, hopefully.

"No...No." I say sorely, thinking about my old best friend and all the adventures we shared before we were separated.

Immediately trying to lighten the mood, like the ball of sunshine he is, he asks "So... What's the last thing you Googled?"

"Where the leftover poop in your butt goes after you're done." I answer seriously and possibly a little too fast. We share a look before bursting out in the biggest fit of laughter we have yet, attracting nearly every eye in our section, but not exactly acknowledging them.

And his reply "... Did you get an answer?" sends us into another bout of extreme giggles that certainly attracts even more eyes, but this time the only thing J-Hope and can I see is each other.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Walking into the exhibit, I am once again struck with wonder in why J-Hope chose me to keep taking to these places. I've never been to an art exhibit or auction before, but I'm definitely deeming this one of the more fancy ones. There were way more people  here than I thought there would be at a just starting artist's exhibit, there had to be around seventy people in the vicinity. There were massive canvases with detailed depictions that I couldn't wait to analyze on every wall. There were bouquets of various flower arrangements in every corner of the large room, several chandeliers on the ceiling and servers handing out hors d'oeuvres to guests. J-Hope's hand gives my waist a gentle squeeze, getting my attention as I let out a tiny squeal.

"You alright there?" He looks me over before stopping to look into my eye, waiting for my response. "What? Oh, I'm fine. Just a bit overwhelmed is all." I say gesturing to our surroundings. I'm not accustomed to this shit like you are.

"Everything looks so beautiful."

"Ha, yeah. I was expecting something like this, Abolsan's always been one for flare."

"I thought you said he was just making his start."

"Oh, well...He comes from money so..." He shrugs. Well that makes more sense. I knew his friends were rich.

We approach the first piece and I'm confused about the meaning behind it but the bold yet dark colors paired with rough, obviously layered strokes still held all my attention and forced me to come up with my own backstory for it. In my mind this is what art, in every form, is supposed to do. Stimulate you and your creative side to think freely. It's got my vote, I'm impressed. 'Mama' is the title of the piece.

Me too, Abolsan, me too.

Most of the other pieces had a similar effect on me, in that it captured me and was impressive as fuck for someone my age. J-Hope was very animated and giddy about the art himself and I was pleasantly surprised we had similar tastes and ideas for how the paintings translated and touched us.

We approach a piece that looks incredibly familiar. Too familiar. I can feel my hands start to sweat immediately and my heart rate increases ten-fold as I remember the first time I saw this painting.

FLASHBACK // 2 and half years ago

I walk the streets of downtown, L.A., fingers laced tightly with my boyfriend, Yoongi, on our way to the music shop to get a guitar for me. He had been giving me lessons on his own guitar and keyboard for so long, he figured it made sense to get me one as well and he was generous enough to buy it for me. On one of the busier streets we passed through, there was a young man around my age selling art on the curb. "Yoongi, wait." I pull on his hand as he continues to walk by the paintings, but he finally stops, sighing impatiently and looks at his wrist watch.

"Char, the shop closes soon, we gotta hurry if we wanna get that guitar you were looking at." He chimes softly in my ear, using his persuasive powers to get me to move along. I ignore his usually hypnotizing actions for the first time because of how taken I was with the painting in front of me. It contained none of my favorite colors, it actually contained my least favorite color: yellow. But the way that bright yellow basically melted into the soft red and blue that surrounded it, captured me in a way no work of art ever had. The way the colors almost wrestled for dominance, but came back together in harmony in a style that resembled Van Gogh's Starry Night, completely enchanted me.

"Hello Miss." The boy greeted me brightly with an accent I couldn't place. He had tanned skin, beautiful pale green eyes and cropped, black curly hair. "Hi!" I replied, being broken out of my trance. "Did you paint these?" I gesture to the paintings on the ground and he nods excitedly.

"You are...so talented." I say with wide eyes, still quite blown away. "Pfft." Yoongi openly scoffs and looks away with a humorless laugh.

Well someone's jealous.

"Thank you so much! I'm selling this one for $150.00" He points to the painting I was gawking at.

That's a little steep for a painting in my position and I don't want to ask Yoongi for it, that's too much.

"Oh...Okay." I say defeated. "Char, I'm sorry, but we gotta go and I'm not carrying the guitar and that thing all the way back to the apartment." Yoongi says, squeezing my hand gently. I nod understandingly and start moving along. "I'm sorry." I say to the artist. "They're beautiful!" I say over my shoulder while we make our way to the music shop and he just smiles and nods sadly.

The following week consists of our usual activites, Yoongi and I fooling around during the day, him teaching me how to play my new guitar and him going out to 'work' at night. But today was different as I wake up to an empty bed, but Yoongi is usually back by morning. When he doesn't answer my first three texts I figure he was in the middle of a job and give up to practice my guitar. About an hour later I see Yoongi enter the apartment with an excited gummy smile on his face. I barely ever get to see this glorious sight so I immediately return the gesture, but am still a little suspicious.

"Babe, what's goin' on? Everything alright?" I put the guitar aside and make my way over to him to question him. "Everything is great, just stay right there, I have a surprise for you."

This is new.

"Oh! Okay!" I stay in my spot in the middle of our shitty apartment facing away from the bed. "Close your eyes." He orders before leaving the apartment again, I comply, the gears turning in my head. "Is this a sex thing?" I question, completely fine with that idea.

"No Char." He says exhaustedly, making me laugh.

"...Do you want it to be?" He suddenly asks, full of life again. I shrug my shoulders. "I wouldn't complain." I hear him chuckle as he retrieves something from the hallway

Okay. It's big.

He makes his way passed me to the bed, he seems to be setting something up on it.

I knew it was a sex thing.

"Okay baby, turn around." I hear him say from the bed. "Now open your eyes." I open my eyes to reveal the breathtaking painting from last week, now surrounded by a frame just as beautiful, balancing on the headboard against the wall behind it. My hands fly up to cover my mouth instinctively as my eyes fall on Yoongi, who's sat at the foot of the bed with his signature satisfied smirk through tear filled eyes. His smirk transforms back to that beautiful gummy grin full of perfect teeth creating those incredibly cute crinkles around his eyes and turning them into near slits beneath his bleach blonde hair. I wanted to remember him exactly like this forever; happy. Happy with me.

I rush over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and sinking into his lap. His arms wrap around me tightly as I pull him into a passionate kiss, which Yoongi returns greedily. I pull away to rest my forehead against his as he continues to nip at my mouth.

"Thank you so much." I say through the assault on my lips. "You're welcome baby. I love you." Yoongi somehow gets out through the ravishing, my body flooding with heat at the words that always managed to drive me insane. "Oh, I love you so much." I reply.

He lays back on the bed bringing me with him so that I'm straddling his body. I feel and hear the painting wobble slightly as the headboard shifts with us. I look up at it to check on it, but Yoongi pays it no mind as his assault on my mouth has moved to my neck. "Yoongi, maybe we should move the painting first." I say breathlessly, already giving into his actions.

"The painting is fine. Now take your clothes off." He orders against my skin. I chuckle and believe him, just as I do with everything else that comes out of his dangerous mouth and follow his directions.

End of Flashback

I break out of my trance as a chill runs up my spine, the product of Jay squeezing my bare waist once again and resting his other hand on my shoulder. "You okay?"

"Oh, yes." I literally shake my head free of the thoughts.  He pulls me further into his side and brushes my cheek with the back of his hand, collecting a stray tear. "Are you sure?" He asks gingerly. Oh my fucking God, not this again.

I nod frantically and search my purse for a tissue. "Yeah, I just need to find a bathroom." Jay nods and asks a nearby server where the bathrooms were  and leads me there swiftly. "I'll be right outside." He relays to me as I enter, I nod and continue on.

How the fuck did I get so blessed with this man?

Once inside, I immediately rush to the huge mirror and attempt to salvage my make-up in public for the second time in twenty-four hours.

Maybe I shouldn't actually be doing this. Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't be here with Hoseok or anybody. This is what feelings do, they complicate and they only hurt.

Not when we're with Hoseok.

True.

"Ugh!" I groan as I touch up my make-up and take a few deep breaths before I exit the bathroom to find Jay just where I left him. What a fucking saint putting up with my shit like this.

"Are you okay?" He asks, expressing true concern. I sigh before responding. "Yeah it's just...I just loved that painting so much." I look down concentrating on not going back to that day, but I can't stop thinking about how the painting down the hall was just as breathtaking as the original. "Oh!" J-Hope breathes relieved and excited. "Well, I'm glad your enjoying everything."

"I really am." I answer truthfully and I just smile and nod with newfound energy gifted to me by J-Hope's happy disposition. We make our way through the rest of the exhibit and we end up back at the painting, which I can now see is fittingly named 'Her'. I huff out a bitter laugh before I notice J-Hope pick up a pen and write his name and a number next to it on the bidding sheet in front of the painting.

"What are you doing?" I spit at him without meaning to. Jay jerks back at my tone. "Well I was going to buy it for you." He said in an obvious, but playful tone.

"Don't." I spat once more with hard eyes, feeling incredibly uncomfortable in this position.

"Uh-well, I thought you liked it." He stammered, completely confused.

"I do, it's beautiful, but...That's okay, I don't need it." I rush out, pleading with him not to buy this beautiful monstrosity.

"Look, if you're worried about the price, I-"

"That's not what I'm worried about!" I almost scream, alarming J-Hope and some surrounding guests, my hands starting to shake at my sides.

"I'm sorry." I say breathing deeply a few times, probably looking like a crazy person. "Thank you so much for the offer Jay, but I don't need it...and I have nowhere to put it anyways." I shrug while bringing my arms up to wrap around his neck and step closer to him.

Maybe I can distract him with my charms.

He accepts my gesture, searching my eyes and wrapping his arms around my waist in return; he knows something is wrong.

Smart motherfucker.

"Okay." He pecks my lips quickly. "Okay." He repeats before going to scratch his name and bid off of the sheet. "Thank you." I whisper before I hear the voice of another approaching.

"Changed your mind, Hoseok?"

Am I the only one who doesn't call him that?!

A handsome man, taller than both Ja-Hoseok and I with the same olive skin, black curls and wide pretty green eyes from two and half years ago approaches us with an inviting smile in a dashing black suit and tie. The artist who sold this original painting to Yoongi. 

He matured quite nicely.

"Abolsan!" J-Hoseok let's go of me to engulf the artist in a bear hug, which Abolsan happily returns.

"It's so good to see you again! This is my date Charlotte." Hoseok introduces us.

I don't even think I'm saying that right in my head.

"Just call me Char." I correct him as Abolsan and I shake hands.

"Uh huh." Abolsan seems to be lost in thought as he shakes my hand for much longer than is necessary, his eyes fixed on my face and raking up and down my body. Okay.

Hoseok is clearly losing patience and clears his throat loudly to get his friends attention.

That's cute, we love a jealous queen.

Abolsan visibly flinches at the sound and refocuses his eyes on my face, letting my hand go as if he's being woken up from a dream. "Huh? I'm sorry! It's just...You look so familiar." He squints his eyes and shakes his head slowly.

"Really? Well, I've been told I just have one of those faces." I laugh while trying to send Abolsan a message with my eyes not to say anything else. He seemed to get it.

He blinked in understanding and smiled once more, though this time it seemed forced. "Well, it's really nice to to meet you Char. Welcome to my exhibit. Feel free to browse my other pieces if this one doesn't exactly speak to you Hoseok." Abolsan added in good humor.

Great, he just saw that entire exchange.

"Oh, ha, yeah. Just isn't my style I guess." Hoseok lied smoothly. I really feel bad for burning his painting now. He's such a nice guy.

"That's okay, I'm just glad you could make it." The two catch up as I watch, kept here by Hoseok's grip on my waist, not that I wanted to be anywhere else right now. Abolsan kept stealing glances my way while Hoseok talked, which I think gave Hoseok the wrong idea as he kept pulling me closer to himself and stroking my arm. I helplessly look to the floor as a wide smile breaks out on my face. If only he knew.

"Well, you take care of yourself Hoseok, I hope to see you around. It was nice meeting you Char." Abolsan cheered, giving us both half hugs.

"You too."

"See you Abolsan." Hoseok and I leave without bidding on a single painting and once again I feel like shit after another date.

"I'm sorry I even managed to fuck up the do-over." I say as we drive towards the hotel.

Hoseok's head snaps in my direction and the back at the road. He huffs out a laugh and reaches for my hand in my lap and rubs his thumb over it.

"You didn't fuck up anything, not on this date or the last one. You just...know what you want. I like that in a woman." He laughs and I join him. Pulling up to the hotel, Hoseok somehow manages to walk around the other side to open my door before I can and walks me to the entrance. He stops me by reaching for my waist, bringing me closer to him. 

I don't argue, in fact I bring my arms to wrap around his neck and play with the hairs on the nape of his neck. I feel he might be avoiding holding my hand in public because of what happened the last time he did that and I can't help, but appreciate him more.

"Do you wanna do this again later this week?" He says suddenly, glancing at my lips from time to time.

"This? No." I say gesturing to nothing in particular, but referencing the mini disaster that was the art exhibit. "But dinner again, maybe a nice movie, sure, I would love to." We both laugh and finally get to share another searing kiss that leaves me wanting more as soon as it begins. We share lingering pecks, enjoying the close proximity of each other until I force myself to pull away. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

Hoseok  breaks into a big smile that barely allowed me to see his irises. "It's okay Charlotte, I forgive you." Why?

"I'll call you. See you soon." Hoseok walks back to his car. "Bye Jay." I say, still self-conscious about how many ways I could fuck his name up.

I take the elevator up and collapse on my bed immediately upon entering the room without getting undressed or greeting any of the girls. It's then that I realize the girls aren't even here and the room is empty.

"Where is everyone?"

[haeroniel-doliet]

thoughts on ice skating

supposed to be under read more, sorry if mobile is weird! 

i mean ive missed multiple weeks and alll in all the society/ practice is quite weird like the beginners teacher dude keeps rambling off about like olympics skating or how higher levels have this and this move and look ive taught that advanced kid over there and heres how they do that technique rather than concretely helping us develop those basic skills that were apparently flawed at. like how do i do that correction youre just showing me bc clearly im about to fall over bc idk how to do it. and i tried being all professional and interested and make the most of it for myself, but cant help the frustration when it goes out of the easy shit into the stupid spins because apparently i just cant do it. be it my skates are too thin or too sharp blades or my ankle is not strong enough  or enough support thats why its going bad? idk even but i cant spin. cant do it. idk i kinda know multiple things that are fucking up and its frustrating and annoying and its just not gonna work yknow i can kinda turn 180. no i cant do the multiple spin spin spin that seems so easy. is it my skates or is it my inadequacy? im not getting new skates tho, im only here because i have my own skates a while back, im clearly so shit that im not even gonna be a milkly good figure skater im not gonna get in on that. i might as well do fuckin ballet rather than this. im actually looking into that kinda now id love to try. 

ice skating is dumb in the way that ive done it since im a child but never as a hobby, like ive done it with most the time my own owned skates since like 3-4 yrs old like young. but school only ever teaches forwards and basic backwards (apparently its cheating backwards) and basic stop and turns and idk things you learn somewhat naturally and my coolest tricks always been sausages (or bubbles as they call them here) and those are apparently baby level beginner stuff and im just :| yeah i can do those tho. and now ic an do them backwards which is kinda cool, and im more confident one foor skating/gliding. but like never as a hobby so i guess none of that matters, i did try to do intermediate and could keep up to an extent but i guess my basics are so shoddy i wasnt doing well enough for my own standards, and even now looking over tho the teacher is better and more encouraging, everyone seems to be doing crazy tricks and jumps and spins and one leg up fancy shit and im just... ya. guess i cant be over there. cant do it. lemme just stand with mr blabber mouth. it is frustrating bc yeah maybe i wanna be that intermediate level, maybe i wanna go skate with my family/old friends and show off bc look i can do like 3 4 cool things im almost a real skater. but fuck i guess my skates are limiting me and i should try use the rental skates? that are dull af but have better support? idk, ive got blisters from them the last i used them and i dont particularly wanna use shitty skates. but i dunno even what to do, i dont particularly wanna drop on some fancy skates just to find smths wrong again and im shit and cant do it. maybe id suddenly improve and feel a lot better about myself and take it as a proper hobby but realistically nah. im actually kinda frustrated i dont even know if i wanna continue. yes i have a friend that goes, yes i have skates and you only get better by spending time on ice and id like to be better bc only recently ive realised how shit i am, (trust me its confidence boosting to have skated with bambis on ice who are afraid of moving at all and then i can at least go kinda fast if i want) but i cant even turn properly, cant stop properly neither. its just ugh, i dont think im getting as much out of it as i should be, i dont know if its the teachers fault, my skates fault, or my own personality/inability. 

no im not doing the dumb kinda competition theyre organising in a few weeks. the criteria for intermediate (that i havent participated in enough anyway recently) is fuckin hops and drags (my skates do not drag! to sharp? idk) and spins and fancy shit i havent even ever tried to. yeah sure i could for the fucks of it do the beginners bc its uh, bubbles forward and backwards that i can do, and i can kind of do the chassee thing kind of. but i cant do a god damn spin for the life of me apparently so i might as well save my 5 pound and ‘pride’. ugh. besides the fun part was that he was talking abt the higher levels leg up glide thing, and had us do it against the wall bc ‘afraid well just face plant’ and i guess i can bring my leg up decently high when supported by the wall which is fun, and otherwise im not the worst of the 5 beginners that showed up. but yeah im just frustrated with it over all. dunno how long the clubs even gonna continue for, theres only one friend there that i would continue for which isnt great considering means i dont consider the others easy to make friends with or ones i could be fond of enough to over look the struggle of the hobby. 

i think my plan was to call my dad not only to ask if they had a preference for when my friend would fly down to visit  so she could buy her tickets, but i guess also i was going to say about the skate apparently being too soft and too thin/too sharp and express this frustration that i still cant do shit, that maybe even using unsharpened (and uncomfortable) rental skates could be better for skating and just wonder what im even doing abt this all. clearly not competing but idk even if we could just come to observe/skate for fun during the competition etc or if i should just skip to catch up/pack and clean idk. also im kinda annoyed at myself otherwise bc i just tuesday saw with J and shes off for a few weeks and i made such a good verbal plan saying id do an email and a summary im weeeeeks behind on on tuesday evening and prep for class today (didnt prep but it went okay anyway) and today i would have gone to class and to skating with a healthy meal (check check check) and come home to sign up and send the other email thats been bugging me, and then do my report due midnight i havent even started on. said id work after midnight if it was taking so long so id have it done..... i had a nap instead. not even a god damn shower i was planning to have tuesday and now its 3 am on thursday. ayy. sure i could skip classes tomorrow to shower and clean my room and maybe complete a task before i drag myself to an archery arrow lesson and badminton after (no thatll be fun, but ill be back rly late) but ive skipped so many classes and i wana see and be with my friends i might as well go, and if i get abandoned work on work somewhere in between classes and maybe actually get something done? gasp. shock. and still get home and do smth like clean and do dishes to be productive while anticipating fun thing, do it and come home and actually sleep bc im fuckin that over eh. but fuck. its not just that i have 1 overdue summary from two weeks ago, i have another summary due thursday night. maybe, in between classes i could do both, miraculous i guess yes but would be cool. do two summaries, send off both and an apology email for the other, take the spare chance to book myself another experiment if theyre still running and if not send an apology email bc i missed one in class one and ask what now. and then maybe even since the calendar is out get my 3 planned viewings booked so that i can see them b4 going back home and dont get fucked. maybe even add the corrections i got yesterday to my other report. wow wouldnt that be great. i could do them now but i should get to sleep right now heres hoping ill remember the corrections then. and then id need to look at the video for the assignment that was due yesterday and bring up the files and find the debrief and begin filling it in and maybe email researcher if i need to, and do the easy part. so that maybe logical me in a clean room will fill in the ethics part between classes on friday or after class or gasp on saturday bc im not going to st andrews after all... its a lot.. i hate that two days are wasted already. ugh. uGH. well get by. lets just try stay positive, now im going to sleep and wake up to go to my 11 class prepared to do some easy work between classes. yes yes. its probably weird that who ever has read this far has read all this shit and maybe i should just keep my shit personal and not post on my main blog bc surprisingly its open to anyone who just slightly would wanna see it,and though you likely dont know me in person its a bit weird huh idk. maybe this is here so my cousin can read it if she happens to , maybe its so that you can read it and be like ya i do that and i think like that too pretty cool im not alone, maybe its for me to read back and not have to be exposed to my worst ugly vents on my plain vent blog and can remain positive thomaybe not. its under read more anyway. lets try bury it guys.