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exhaustedfander · 4 years ago

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When is Enough Enough? [Chapter Six]

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / Epilog

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“Dragonfly?” Remus asked hoarsely. Quickly, Logan scrambled to Remus’s bedside and knelt beside him. Looking at his boyfriend, Logan was stricken with grief.

Remus’s completion was ghostly pale. Without his usual vibrant purple eye-makeup, Logan could see the dark bluish circles that rimmed his eyes, looking as though Remus hadn’t slept in a week. His hair was ruffled and slightly stiff with sweat and he looked so terribly small in his hospital gown, lying back against the pillows. Remus had always been such an animated, larger than life personality. He moved through the world as though he owned it, with reckless abandon and a glint in his eyes that spelled trouble for all he came into contact with.

But now, seeing him lying weakly in a hospital bed, exhausted and disoriented, Logan felt his heart ache.

“It’s me, sweetheart,” Logan said, his voice uncharacteristically soft as he placed a gentle hand to Remus’s cheek, “It’s Logan.” Logan wasn’t sure what kind of reaction he would receive, considering all that had transpired between them before Remus was placed in the hospital. He would understand if Remus curled away from his touch, or if he yelled horrid, vile things at him. He would caste no blame on his boyfriend if he did any of those things, instead taking the brunt of the insults calmly.

That wasn’t what happened, though.

Instead, Remus smiled up at him, the expression tired but buoyant.

“I’m so happy to see you,” he said, leaning into Logan’s touch against his cheek, caressed by a now-trembling hand.

“And I’m happy to see you,” Logan said, unable to hold back the onslaught of tears of relief, feeling one burn its way down his cheek. “I was so – so worried.”

“Mr. Knightly had a very close call her,” the nurse who Logan had barely noticed was in the room pipped up, “But he’s going to be just fine.” “I asked for you when I woke up!” Remus said proudly, turning to face Logan, his voice weak but teaming with animation, “I even described you! I told the doctor that you were beautiful, and a huge nerd, and really smart, fantastic in bed –.” Logan didn’t miss as the nurse’s cheeks flushed slightly at that.

“You’ll have to forgive him,” she said clearing her throat, “Mr. Knightly is on a lot of pain medication currently.” Logan fought back the urge to assure that this wasn’t too far of a step away from Remus’s usual behavior, still so swept up in the fact that he was here with his boyfriend and that he was alive.

“That’s understood,” Logan responded absentmindedly, and the nurse nodded and walked out of the room, passing Roman who loitered in the doorway. As much as Roman wanted to be at Remus’s bedside as well, he wanted to give the couple a bit of space before then.

“I almost died,” Remus said plainly.

The statement was by no means untrue. Logan had been informed of the situation by a doctor beforehand; Remus had been struck by a driver in a crosswalk who had attempted to flee but had been apprehended and was now in police custody. Remus had been delivered to the hospital bleeding profusely with a large gash in his left side that needed to be stapled shut. He had also required a blood transfusion, having lost as much blood as he did, and it had been quite the close call. Remus very well could have died.

“I know,” Logan said, gently taking one of Remus’s hands in his own. When more tears ran down his face Remus frowned, gently reaching out so that the tips of his fingers barely made contact.

“Why’re you crying, LoLo?” Logan shook his head, as though he could in turn shake lose all of the thoughts of all that could have gone wrong. Remus almost never called him LoLo, and that was one nickname that Logan admittedly couldn’t stand. But there was no way he could bring himself to correct Remus now.

“I was terribly afraid for you, Remus. I got the call and-and I rushed here and –.”

“I always wondered what it would be like to be hit by a car,” Remus said interrupting Logan mid-sentence, his voice far-off and distant sounding, “It’s hard to describe…so much pain. So much blood. I remember, laying on the ground and seeing all that red leaking out of me. I was almost positive I was going to die there, lying on the asphalt. I thought about you then. About our fight.”

Ah, so Remus remembered after all. Logan hadn’t been certain, considering how disoriented he was and the way his boyfriend had been behaving. Logan bit his lip, cursing his damned emotions for putting him in such a state, especially considering all that Remus had gone through. In a perfect world, Logan could turn off all of the messy, trifling emotions that made it so difficult to say grounded and simply be there for Remus without being overcome with so many feelings. But he lived in no such perfect world.

“Remus, I am so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I can’t help but think that everything that’s happened is in many ways my doing,” Logan admitted, the words searing their way up his throat.

“Don’t talk like that, Dragonfly. You didn’t…it wasn’t your fault. I just needed some air and…” Remus didn’t finish. Glancing over his shoulder, Logan noticed Roman awkwardly shuffling in the doorway and he motioned for him to enter the room. Hesitantly, Roman came near to Remus’s beside.

“Dear, your brother is here to see you.” Remus blinked in disbelief, turning to see Roman kneeling on the opposite side of Logan, a clear look of relief etched into his face.

“Roman?” Logan wondered how deeply that stung for his friend, the incredulous sound in Remus’s voice as though he’d never in a million years expected his brother to be at his side in such a vulnerable time.

“I’m here, Remus,” Roman said, a hallow smile having made its way onto his face, “Logan told me what happened. I’m...” he hesitated, tripping over his own tongue. What could he possibly say that could do anything to mend their fractured relationship? How could he express the depth of his relief that his brother was here and alive? “…I’m glad you’re okay.”

It seemed for now, that would have to do.

Remus cocked a lopsided smile in Roman’s direction.

“You are?” Roman bit his lip, looking near a breaking point of some kind, and doing his damn best not to reach it.

“Of course I am. When Logan told me that you’d be injured…well. I was scared, Remus.” Remus’s face scrunched up in clear confusion as he stared intently at his twin.

“But…I thought you hated me?”

Remus was a brash, outspoken man. In almost any instance, Logan was sure that his boyfriend would say anything on his mind, no matter how blatant or in some instances cruel. Despite that…even this seemed somewhere past Remus’s usual limit, and it could most likely be purely blamed on the pain medication.

Greif flashed in Roman’s eyes as he placed a gentle hand on Remus’s shoulder.

“No,” he said gravely, shaking his head, “I don’t hate you, Remus…I never have.”

The admission was strong, something Logan found somewhat miraculous to bear witness to. The twin’s relationship had been in such a bad way for as long as Logan could remember. In all honesty, he’d been almost positive that they’d hated each other, both of them. Roman could be lying, playing things up for his brother’s sake…but Logan didn’t think so. There was genuine, heartbreaking conviction in Roman’s voice.

“Oh,” Remus said simply after a moment of thought, smiling, “That’s nice to know. I guess I don’t hate you either.”

Loopy on pain medication, Remus would never know how much that statement meant to his brother. Roman nodded, squeezing Remus’s shoulder affectionately, ever so gently.

“Logan’s been telling me about you two,” Roman said, eager to change the subject, as Remus was evidently not in the best mind-frame for a serious-talk just yet. Remus jerked rigidly to make eye-contact with Logan, the action clearly causing him some pain as he hissed under his breath.

“Logan? Dragonfly, did – did you…?” Remus couldn’t finish the thought, it all seemed too far-fetched. Logan nodded, giving Roman a glance and smiling.

“Yes, love. Roman knows.” Remus grinned, arching slightly so that he could be closer to Logan before leaning back against the pillows, the simple action too exhausting. Helpfully, Logan leaned close, connecting their lips. Remus smiled into the kiss, desperate for more than the chaste embrace but far too exhausted for anything more passionate.

“You’ve never called me love before,” Remus observed happily, before his brain seemed to fully catch up, “And you told Roman! Roman knows that we’re together and that I love you and that you’re my sexy nerd!”

“Yes,” Roman chuckled, standing up and smiling fondly at the couple. “I know. Logan’s been telling me a lot about you two and I have to say, seeing you together, you’re a lovely couple. Congratulations to you both.” Logan tiled his head.

“Are you leaving so soon?” “I am,” Roman said, not addressing how he felt as though he was encroaching on the couple's space, “But I’ll be back first thing tomorrow. Goodbye, Remus, feel better. I’m happy I got the chance to see you. Bye, Logan.” Having recovered from Roman’s apparent impending departure, Logan simply nodded, waving as his friend began to exit the room. “Ah well, alright. See you tomorrow, then. Have a good rest of your day.” Roman stopped, turning on his heel.

“Logan, it’s Half past 10 o'clock. It’s hardly day-time anymore.” And with that, Roman was gone.

Logan looked out the window in disbelief but sure enough it was dark outside. He supposed he hadn’t noticed the time passing, so caught up in his worries and telling Roman about his romance. When he looked back to Remus, he noticed his eyes starting to droop.

“Don’t you wanna go home too, LoLo? It’s getting late I don’t wanna...” Remus yawned, “keep you up too late. I know how cranky you get.” Logan shook his head, running a hand through Remus’s hair and pressing a kiss to the crown of his head.

“I’d like to stay here with you, if you don’t mind.” Even under the growing weight of his fatigue, Remus managed to pull a surprised expression.

“Oh, I don’t mind! But…where would you sleep? And won’t the nurses kick you out?”

“I asked the nurses if I could sleep in the chair and they said yes.”

“But the chair ’ll be so uncomfortable! You’ll get a crick in your neck, and you’ll be grumpy, and –.”

“I’ll be fine, Remus,” Logan assured, finally beginning to calm down off of all of the adrenaline he’d been exposed to over the course of the day, “I don’t want to leave you if I don’t have to. But if you want me to go, I’ll do so.” Remus seemed unhappy at the thought of Logan leaving him in his hospital room alone, his lips curling into a frown. “No…I don’t want you to leave.” Logan smiled.

“Then I’ll stay right here with you, sweetheart.” A silence fell over them, one that neither seemed to mind. Logan traced circles into Remus’s palm, so thankful to be holding the hand of the man he loved before Remus suddenly spoke up.

“I was drunk.” Logan’s eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“Pardon?”

“When I got hit by the car,” Remus clarified, a guilty look on his face, “I’d gone to a liquor store when I left. I shouldn’t have…I know what drinking does to me. And…and I must’ve been drunk and not paying attention and I got hit a-and it was my fault.”

No one had mentioned that Remus had been under the influence when he had been hit. In truth, Logan had yet to even find out about the man who had struck Remus in the cross-walk, only knowing that he was a low-down person who had planned on performing a hit and run. Even if Remus had been drunk, that driver was responsible for what happened. Logan squeezed his boyfriend’s hand.

“Remus, it’s alright. Everything going to be alright,” Logan said, hoping he sounded believable, “It isn’t your fault. The only fault lies with the person who was driving that car, and I am certain that he will be punished accordingly. Please, don’t put any blame on yourself, love. It’s okay.”

After a moment Remus sighed sleepily, mumbling out an “Okay.”

“Are you tired, Remus?” Remus nodded.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to go to sleep. I want you to keep talking, I like hearing your voice. It calms me down. I…I didn’t think I was going to get to hear it again.” Logan had never had a better reason to ramble. “Well then, I’ll keep talking until you fall asleep and I’ll be right here when you wake up. Does that sound satisfactory?” Remus nodded, content with the suggestion.

“I’m not going to wake up and find out this is all a dream, right? You’re here, aren’t you Logan?” Logan frowned, bringing Remus’s hand to his lips and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

“I’m here, I’m right here. And I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Remus, so very much.” Remus smiled faintly, finally fully reclining against his pillows and feeling content enough with that being true to shut his eyes.

“Okay. Good. I love you too, Dragonfly.”

With that, Logan continued to talk until Remus was in a deep slumber. He told him about his conversations with Roman and how he had regaled the tale of their first moments as he couple. He told Remus how worried he’d been when he received the call. Most importantly, he told Remus he loved him to the moon and back, an expression he’d previously found so silly.

That night Logan slept curled up in an uncomfortable hospital chair, listening closely to the sounds of Remus snoring, of Remus breathing.

He looked forward to tomorrow and all of the days that they would get to spend together after that. Logan slept peacefully.

=+=

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 4 years ago

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Is This What It Feels Like?

Prompt: Ahhh ur hurt/comfort is so good, if u want could you maybe write Patton not taking not taking care of himself and Janus helping him out and staging an intervention?

Thanks for the prompt babe! It is Project Onto Patton Time™ apparently.

Read on Ao3

Warnings: allusions to self-destructive behavior and depression, sympathetic everyone

Pairings: LAMP, DLAMP, DLAMPR, can be platonic or romantic I don’t care

Word Count: 2473

Look, it’s not that Patton doesn’t think taking care of yourself isn’t important, it’s just that…well, there are a lot of other things that are, you know, more important.

Like, he has to make breakfast for everyone. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! And they’ve talked about it; he likes doing it, the others like waking up to a good homemade meal every morning, so he has to do it. And that’s making it sound like such a chore, he has to do it, but Patton loves making breakfast for the others!

Roman or Logan will help him most mornings. He’s not the earliest riser in the Mindscape so it isn’t uncommon for him to come downstairs to see either one of them in the kitchen. Logan always gets the coffee going first, glancing over his shoulder to say good morning and ask if Patton wants any. Normally the answer is no. But sometimes the answer is yes and Logan makes the perfect cup of coffee. Or when Roman is downstairs and there’s a mug of warm milk with just a dash of vanilla syrup waiting for him. And a Roman hug. Roman gives the best good morning hugs.

So no, making breakfast for the others isn’t a chore, Patton enjoys it! And it’s so nice to see everyone in the morning too.

It’s just that…well, sometimes, when it’s grey and his room feels like it’s frozen in an old black-and-white picture, the thought of food makes his stomach turn, and moving feels like it’s going to take every single ounce of his energy and more.

But that’s only sometimes! And it normally goes away after a few minutes of walking around so it’s fine.

Or when he gets to spend time with everybody and go on the walks in the Imagination! Roman and Remus are really good at their jobs, okay, and it’s always a surprise to open the door and see what’s going on. The castles and the forests, and the streams and the animals that Patton can actually pet because Thomas’s allergies don’t perpetuate all the way to the Imagination so it’s all good! Even Logan can’t argue with that.

Roman made this beautiful field of flowers the other day and they got to spend all afternoon out there. The sun wasn’t too warm, the breeze wasn’t too fast, and the flowers looked so pretty and perfect and there were so many colors and it was wonderful. Remus had the great idea a few hours in to make a thunderstorm and although Patton’s not the biggest fan of thunderstorms—they’re awful loud sometimes—it was truly magnificent.

The sky has darkened to an almost bruised purple and the rain had been warm, so warm and it smelled so, so good. Big muddy puddles had formed and they’d been splattered with mud from jumping in by the time they tromped back to the Mindscape.

Times like that are so important for Patton so of course he’s not going to miss them!

Even when he can’t see all the colors and the smile he puts on feels a little like it’s been attached to his face for him, he’s still going to go because the joy is real, it just…takes a little longer to get there.

Or when he has to take care of his kiddos.

…they’re not perfect. They all know they’re not perfect. So there are…little hiccups.

The world isn’t always the nicest place to be. Patton knows that. But…but it could be, so they have to do their part in helping make it a little kinder. So Patton tries to always make the choice to be kind, even when Thomas can’t.

Virgil, just because of who he is, is prone to being a little more scared than the others. So it’s okay for him to look to them for reassurance, they’ve said so. And Patton is always happy for Virgil to come and ask for help, or even if he notices he’s looking a little more jittery than normal which is…often. But then he gets to help Virgil and that’s wonderful.

Or Logan, who…struggles with reconciling his logical trait with the fact that he’s still a person under all that logic which means he’s got feelings. And he’s allowed to have them. So Patton can help with that! After all, feelings are part of his job, he wouldn’t be any good at it if he didn’t know what he was doing.

Or Roman, who’s still struggling with…a lot. Whoo, Roman’s still carrying some heavy loads that he doesn’t really know how to put down. And he bruises really really easily. Through no fault of his own! So Patton can take care of him a little more, patch him up, make him feel a little less like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

The others are newer. Patton’s still figuring out how to help them when they’re upset. Remus in particular, just because of…things, Patton’s not exactly sure that he’s always doing the right thing to help Remus, But he knows Remus wants to be listened to, so he listens. Even if sometimes he thinks that some of Remus’s ideas are…scary, he’ll still listen. Because Remus wants to be listened to.

Janus is…difficult. Patton’s never been very good at telling whether or not he’s lying. Whether or not anyone’s lying, really. Because, well…if you constantly assume the worst of everyone, that says more about you than it does about them, doesn’t it? It may be safer to not let yourself be kind, but…but that takes some of the joy out of life, doesn’t it? But Janus wants Thomas to be safe, so Patton talks with him about how to do that. That seems to help make him happy.

So yeah. There are things that are very, very important to Patton. And he’s happy to make sure he does whatever he needs to do to make those happen.

So it’s okay if sometimes he feels like he doesn’t have all the energy he needs to comfort one of his kiddos. Or when one of them knocks on his door in the middle of the night and he can’t keep his eyes open. They’re his famILY, of course he’s going to take care of them. They’re so important to him, they’re so important.

He does get…a little frustrated with himself sometimes. Because he knows it’s not as easy as wham, bam, you’re all better, now you’ll never have issues ever again! Like, no, that’s not how this works. He knows that. So it’s to be expected that sometimes it’s a two-steps-forward-one-step-back kind of thing. Progress isn’t always linear.

So he shouldn’t be feeling a little frustrated when Virgil can’t get all his words out in coherent sentences and his brain won’t stop muttering that he should know this by now, why can’t they just have all the words, because that’s rude. Virgil needs help and so they’re going to help him.

So he shouldn’t be upset when he has to reassure Logan of the same thing over and over and over again. Logan’s logical trait keeps him from being able to say that he has feelings so he can do his job, and it’s to be expected that he would seek that reassurance. So Patton should be happy to give him that reassurance.

So he shouldn’t be upset at Roman for always turning their conversations into things that he’s just realized are problems. Roman’s trust issues mean that Patton should be grateful that Roman’s comfortable enough to share this with him and that there should be things that Roman can feel comfortable coming to Patton about. Because Roman needs to talk about these things and hear that he’s okay so Patton should be able to do that.

So he shouldn’t be scared of Remus’s ideas sometimes. Remus isn’t going to hurt them, not seriously, so he shouldn’t be afraid. Remus is a person, just like him, so he should be able to help like he does everyone else.

After all, if most of these are Patton’s fault, he should be more than willing to help them, right?

Right.

So.

There are things that are more important than Patton taking care of himself. He can do that later.

At least, that’s what he says to Janus when Janus confronts him about not taking care of himself.

“But it’s fine!”

“Yes,” Janus drawls, raising an eyebrow, “I’m sure everything is just absolutely fine with everything you’ve just told me.”

“Well, good!” Patton flashes him a smile and turns away.

“Wait, no, Patton—“ Janus reaches out and gently blocks Patton’s path— “that was sarcasm.”

“Oh.” Patton tilts his head. “I don’t understand.”

“…what sarcasm is?”

“Oh, no, no, no, I know what that is. I just don’t understand what’s wrong.”

“You’re running yourself into the ground, Patton,” Janus says quietly, “and it’s hurting you.”

“But I’m fine!”

“Let me ask you a question.” Janus folds his arms. “When was the last time you did something for yourself?”

“Myself?” Patton tilts his head. “Oh! I helped Roman make breakfast this morning.”

“That’s something for us, or at the very least something for Roman.”

“…I guess. Um, I went for a walk with Logan yesterday. Have you been to Remus’s new cave system yet? They have these really cool—“

“I’ve been,” Janus interrupts gently, “and did Logan ask you on that walk?”

“…well, yeah.”

“So that was for Logan.”

Patton grumbles. “What are you asking me, then?”

“I’m asking when the last time you did something for you was.”

“But those’re all also for me!” Patton wrings his hands in frustration. “I—I like spending time with them! I like helping them! Why can’t that also be for me?”

Janus raises an eyebrow. “So it never feels like a chore? Or like you don’t have enough energy to do it the way you want to?”

Patton’s mouth snaps shut. It—it shouldn’t. This is his famILY. They shouldn’t—it should not be a problem to help them. O-or spend time with them. It shouldn’t. It shouldn’t.

Janus nods solemnly. “That’s what I thought.”

“But that doesn’t matter,” Patton blurts, “it doesn’t. I don’t care if it sometimes feels like I can’t. I can, so I will.”

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should,” Janus says quietly, taking a step closer. “If it’s hurting you, Patton, you have to address that first.”

“But I—“

“If one of the others were doing this,” Janus says instead, “would you be reacting the same way?”

Oh.

Patton hangs his head. “…no.”

“So you don’t have to be so hard on yourself.” A gentle hand cups his chin and lifts his gaze. “What’s making you feel so bad right now?”

“I—I just—this is my job,” Patton mumbles, “and if I can’t do it, if I can’t fix what I did—“

Janus cuts him off with a frown. “What did you do?”

“I—well,” Patton stutters, “surely you—you’ve realized that—well, one of the reasons that Thomas—that everyone is—um—“

Janus’s eyes widen. “Oh, Patton, tell me you’re not blaming yourself for every single problem in the Mindscape.”

“…do you want me to lie?”

Several expressions flicker across Janus’s face at once. “No, Patton,” he settles on eventually, “you don’t have to lie.”

Patton shuffles uncomfortably. Janus seems to pick up on his discomfort—not that a lot gets past Janus—and cups Patton’s face in another hand.

“Patton.”

He looks up.

“I’m not angry with you,” Janus says gently, “and I’m not trying to tell you that your feelings are wrong.”

“Y-you’re not?”

“No, Patton, I’m not.” Janus’s thumb strokes over his cheek. “I’m worried that you’re going to burn yourself out.”

“How do I…not do that?”

“Well, when was the last time you did something for yourself?”

“I think we just established that I don’t know how to do that.”

Janus smiles a little sadly. “You can let us help you too, Patton.”

“…I’m not sure I know how to do that either.”

In response, Janus leans back and shouts: “don’t get over here!”

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Janus? Is everything alright?”

“What’s going on?”

Then, of course, Remus just sinks straight in through the ceiling and drops to the floor.

Roman bustles down the stairs with Logan at his heels.

“Why’d you call, is—“ his eyes widen when he sees Patton— “Sunshine? What’s wrong?”

“Patton, are you alright?”

“Wait, Pop Star’s upset?” Ah, there’s Virgil. “What’d you need?”

“By all means,” Janus chuckles when the rest of them just about swamp Patton, “do knock him over before he has a chance to answer any questions.”

“Right,” Logan says, pulling Roman and Virgil away, “let’s do that f—“

Remus tackles Patton onto the couch.

“…or we can do that.”

Remus makes himself comfortable, wrapping his arms tightly around Patton and purring contentedly.

“I’m not hurting you,” he mutters too quiet for the others to hear, “am I?”

“…no, no you’re good.”

“This okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure?”

Remus is solid and warm and—and—

“Remus!” Roman rushes forward when Patton bursts into tears. “Oh, goodness, sunshine, are you—“

“N-no, no, this—this is—I—“

Virgil tilts his head and smiles. “This might be just what the doctor ordered.”

Roman huffs. “Well, then we can do better than that.”

“Oi!”

“Oh, please, you know how ill-suited that couch is.”

“Fine.”

Remus tightens his grip on Patton and rolls off the couch, turning so Remus’s back hits something way softer than what the floor should be.

“Remus,” he hears Logan scold.

“You alright, Pop Star?”

Patton’s still sobbing desperately into Remus’s shoulder.

“So’re you all just going to stand around doing nothing or…?”

Janus gently reaches down to remove Patton’s glasses, turning the world into a colorful smudge.

“We should talk more about this when you can,” Logan murmurs, carding his hand through Patton’s hair, “but for now, just rest, alright? From what it looks like, you’ve been through a lot recently.”

“I’ll say.” Roman tucks himself against Patton’s back. “You look exhausted, sunshine.”

“Less talk more cuddle.”

“No objections here.”

“Close your eyes,” Janus murmurs, “and let us take care of you for once, hmm?”

“Is—is this what it f-feels like?”

“Yes,” Janus whispers as Remus tightens his grip on Patton’s waist, as Logan’s hands gently scratch across his scalp, as Roman presses warm and solid against his back, as Virgil puts on quiet music in the background, “this is what it feels like.”

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98prilla · 4 years ago

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Hidden Shapes

AO3

...

“Virgil!”

“Kiddo, come out, please!”

“Doom and Gloom, we’re worried about you, please!” Roman looks up, surveying the trees scowling. “This is pointless. He could be anywhere, you heard Janus, he’s an expert at hiding.”

“We can’t just leave him! If we don’t find him, he’s just going to become more and more convinced we don’t want him at all, I won’t leave him out here, where anything could get him!” Patton protests, voice shaking, and Roman stops, turning to face him.

“Padre. I know, trust me, I know, it’s taken us a long time to get there, but I care for him too, and I hate… this, as much as you do, but,” He takes breath, steadying his voice, “Virgil has experience, surviving out here, much more than you do, than I do, on Remus’s side. He is fight or flight. Anything out here, he can either out run or out do. It’s the creatures that should be avoiding him.”

“How… how do you know that?” Roman smiles ruefully, rubbing the back of his head.

“I’ve gotten into a couple… close calls. I don’t know how he knows, but he always does, when it’s real, not just part of the story, not just for the dramatics. Oh, you should see him fight, Patton, it’s… well. It’s something else.” Terrifying, was the word he was going to use, terrifying and incredible, the most mesmerizing thing he’s ever seen, movements almost too fast to follow, every punch and kick followed by cracking bone, his eyes glowing violet, imprinting in the air, confusing the enemy as to which is real, until there’s a thousand eyes staring at them, and they tear themselves apart. It’s a terrible beauty, a terrifying grace, an electric elegance, it’s the only time Roman ever sees Virgil truly, one hundred percent sure of himself, confident and tall and unafraid, and it makes him wonder, each time, just how much of himself Virgil is holding back.

Well, they have a partial answer now, don’t they?

“Roman-“ Patton gasps, cutting himself off as he pushes past Roman, sprinting over, grabbing a piece of cloth off the ground. A patch, from his hoodie. And there, beyond the tree line…

The ground is scuffed, grass torn up, another fabric patch pressed into the dirt. Examining closer, Roman inhales sharply, seeing a few drops of blood. Boot imprints and a long drag mark, where the earth had been flattened, a tail.

He kneels, pressing a hand to the ground, feeling the slight tingle of magical residue, the all too familiar pop and sting.

“Dragon witch.” He growls, shoving to his feet, stalking away before spinning back around, fire in his eyes. “She took him.”

“What… what does that mean?” Patton asks, voice shaking once more, in fear.

“That we have to get him back. I should be able to work a trace, to find where she took him. Pat… you should go home. This is dangerous, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“no. No, Virgil's already hurt, and I’m not going home without him. This…this is my fault, and I’m going to fix it.” He can see the determination in Patton's eyes, the fierceness there, and knows he won’t win this battle.

“alright. Alright, padre. Come here. Let’s work some magic.”

…

“EN GUARDE FOUL FIEND-"

“shuthefuckupRoman!” Is not what he expected to be whisper screeched at him by Remus, who is seated at a table, feet resting atop it, the dragon witch sitting across from him, both of them now glaring at him.

“What- Remus- where-"

“Hush for once in your life. He is fine, and finally resting, no thanks to you, no doubt.” Roman bristles at that, eyes narrowing.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means unlike you and your precious standards of purity, I’ve never hurt him, or made him fear himself. Hate himself.” Her eyes flash, a puff of smoke escaping the corners of her mouth, and he feels suddenly small.

“ok, everyone, let’s just calm down for a second.” Patton steps out from behind him, a sheepish smile on his face as he properly enters the home. “um. Hi! I’m Patton. Nice to meet you.” He ignores Roman hissing his name, extending his hand. The witch glances at Remus, who shrugs, before accepting.

“Tabitha. It is… overdue, I suppose. Take a seat.” She offers, Patton easily slipping into a chair, Roman making a sputtering noise, before sulkily stomping into a chair, eyes flicking from person to person.

“And what are you doing here!?” he finally explodes, glaring at Remus, who raises a brow.

“This is where Virgie went. Why wouldn’t I be here?”

“Why is Virgil here?” Patton interrupts before Roman can go off, his question full of genuine curiosity instead of accusation, catching Tabitha off guard.

“And how do we know you haven’t done anything to him?”

“oh come off that high horse, RoRo.” Everyone freezes at a small sound from the back of the room, Patton and Roman catching sight of Virgil for the first time, covered in blankets and sleeping soundly, a small smile on his face, a tiny dragon curled around his head.

“does that assuage your doubts, your highness?” Her voice isn’t heated, now, just a tad bitter, a faraway look on her face, a gentle smile lighting up her eyes as she looks at Virgil, an expression so far from her normal ferocity and disdain that he can barely reconcile it.

“He always used to come here. When he was still with us. Practically lived here. Then, well, everything happened and we fell out of touch, but I knew when he panicked, this is where he’d go.”

“I found him bleeding and broken on the ground. He was never like this, before he moved, he used to be so… himself. Now he is constantly afraid, to let any of himself show.”

“I know. And that’s… a lot of that is my fault, even though I didn’t mean to make him feel that way, I did. But I’m not scared of him. He’s… he’s one of my kiddos! Creepy crawly death dealer and all.” Tabitha looks at him hard, for a moment, before letting out a soft sigh.

“Well, that’s a start, I suppose. You just have to convince him, of it, which will not be an easy task.”

“Come on, Ro, time for us to get going.” Roman's brows skyrocket as he looks incredulously at Remus, then at Patton.

“I am not leaving Patton here, alone, with her!”

“Roman. If I intended harm I would already have acted. Contrary to your belief, I am not a villain. I am just as much an actor as you.” Roman opened his mouth to say something, Patton's hand on his shoulder stopping him.

“I don’t wanna overwhelm him, when he wakes up, but I need to be here. I’ll be fine, Ro. Go update Janus and Logan, I’m sure they’re worried, too.” He hesitates, but nods reluctantly, glancing back at Virg. He looks so… peaceful, a rare thing, for the anxious side, even in sleep, and he feels another twinge of guilt.

“Take care of them.” His voice is hoarse, as he meets her eyes, and she nods.

“On my life, nothing will harm them.” Then he takes Remus's hand, and they sink out.

….

Noises. Muffled by the blankets around him, but they manage to make it through his sleepy mind. The sound of pans clanking against each other, of measuring cups tapping against bowls. A soft conversation, a warm voice followed by a low giggle.

He rolls over, a small smile on his lips as he stretches, blinking open his eyes, trying to decipher what he is looking at.

Patton, nose dusted with flour, stirring a bowl held in his arms, giggling up at Tabitha, who looks slightly exasperated, flour covering her apron. He can smell yeast, something baking, something sweet.

“whoops.” Tabitha huffs a laugh, attempting futily to brush off the flour.

“I told you to stir slowly, sunshine.” She gently takes the bowl from Patton, slowly folding in the flour.

Neither have noticed him, yet, as he swings his legs over the edge of the cot, sitting up and stretching once more, noticing with relief that his spider traits have shifted away. Usually they’re controllable, but Janus's bite made it impossible to hide the truth, trapping him in the semi form, until it wore off.

Oh. Everything came crashing back in on him, suddenly, the warm content of seconds ago fleeing into a cold fear. His breath hitches as he pulls his knees up, the movement getting their attention.

“Virgil. Hey kiddo. How you feeling?” Patton asks softly, moving just a few steps closer, crouching down to be at his level. Virgil hugs his knees, looking away, taking in a shaking breath. Patton can see the little button eyes under his normal ones, shiny and dark, before they blink shut, hidden.

“sorry. I’m… I… sorry.”

“No, baby, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.” He just shakes his head, burying it against his knees. Patton sounds so soft, and he can’t handle that, he doesn’t want his pity, he doesn’t want to exploit that, doesn’t want Patton to care just because he has to. “virg, honey, look at me.” He shakes his head again, voice trapped in his throat. He jumps at a hand on his shoulder, though he leans into it, when it goes to pull away, and now he’s pressed against Patton’s side, breathing in his soothing scent of laundry and warm bread.

“I love you, Virg. I’m so, so, sorry, that I made you feel like you couldn’t be yourself. You’re wonderful and amazing and perfect, and I couldn’t be prouder of you, kiddo, I really couldn’t.”

“I’m the bad one. L-like always. N-n-no matter how hard I try, I’m always the wrong one, or the bad one, or the scary one, and I… I don’t want to be, I don’t… I can’t even help it this time, it’s just… just what I am.”

“Hey. That’s not true. You aren’t bad, kiddo, you aren’t scary, at least, not when you don’t want to be.” That gets a small sniffle laugh, and he continues on, “youe animal traits don’t make you bad. Janus has scales and fangs, and we don’t treat him as evil or scary, anymore, right?” He nods, shakily inhaling.

“that’s different.” He mumbles. “he isn’t-“

“A spider?” Patton finishes, and Virgil hums in agreement. Patton shifts away, making Virgil wince, curl in on himself a little tighter. “Kiddo, look at me.” Virgil inhales shakily, looking up at Patton, eyes red rimmed and watery. “can I see? I didn’t really, before, you darted away so fast.”

“o-ok.” He stutters, swiping a sleeve across his face, before taking a deep breath, letting his legs unfurl from his back, settle on the ground around him, his teeth lengthen into fangs, his extra eyes open, near glowing violet, an aura of darkness surrounding him, hazing his form as he stands, much taller than usual, with the extra height afforded him by his legs, though he still has his usual slightly thin and willowy look.

“Can I..?” Patton asks, gesturing towards one of his legs, and Virgil looks startled, that he hasn’t screamed or fainted or run away by now, not that he can blame him.

“yeah, I guess.” He shivers slightly at the hand against his leg, an unfamiliar sensation, though not unpleasant. He’s staring a bit surprised at Patton, who’s tentatively smiling, meeting his eyes with that same softness still in them.

“They’re soft! It’s like… like petting a bumblebee!” He blushes slightly, ducking his head. “your eyes are pretty, too. Like a cat’s when they’re happy, all dilated and huge.”

“Pat, stop.” He groans, face nearly beat red, he’s flushing so furiously.

“Nope. Because you are perfect, kiddo. I love you. And nothing changes that, ok?” Patton asks, as he shifts away his spider traits, except for his extra eyes, which stay in place. “Are those there all the time?” Patton asks, Virgil biting his lip as he nods.

“yeah. They’re like Jan’s scales. Usually I cover them up with the eyeshadow. It’s dark enough you can’t see them, even open, unless you know what to look for.” He yelps, stumbles, as Patton barrels into him, wrapping him in a giant bear hug, squeezing him so hard he can barely breathe, though it feels oddly nice.

“you don’t have to hide them. You don’t have to hide, not ever. I promise.” He inhales sharply, then he’s crying, tears streaming down his face, and he can’t stop, the relief is so sweet, the weight lifting off his shoulders and allowing him to breathe easy for the first time, truly, since he’d moved to the light side. The stress of keeping everything hidden away, out of sight, watching what he says, does. It’s all melting away and leaving a lightness in its wake he doesn’t know what to do with, besides cry.

“You’re r-really n-not scared?” He mumbles.

“Of course not, Virg. It’s just… you, after all! Now, maybe if I was coming down the stairs at 3am and saw you glowing from the kitchen, that would be a different story.” Virgil laughs wetly again, finally stepping back as the timer dings, Patton’s face lighting up. “Oh, we made muffins! Tabby showed me her recipe, they’re sugared blackberry.” He spares a glance at Tabitha, who’s own face a slight scarlet, grinning.

“Tabby, huh? Did she tell you those are my favorite? Whenever I was having a real bad day, we’d make those together.”

“Yes, and the little heathen that you were, always trying to shove three into your face at a time, like some kind of rabid squirrel.” Patton giggles, and he shrugs.

“Lived with Remus. You gotta expect me to pick up some habits from him.” He answers, slipping into a chair, Tabitha ruffling his hair, before pulling the pan out of the oven, setting it on the windowsill. “And Jan was just trying to keep us from killing each other.”

“You fought a lot?” Virgil snorts, shaking his head.

“Nah. Usually it was all in good fun, though our version of fun involved a lot more biting, pincers, stabbing, and far too many limbs, than you guys’ probably does, but there were times where I was having a bad day, and Remus always enjoys poking the bear, to see what happens when it does get angry. Part of the reason I started hiding out here, instead of the dark side. Remus camouflages, part of being an octopus. He could literally be anywhere at any moment waiting to pop out and scare me, or whatever, and some days that just… it was too much.” Patton is silent, mulling over what Virgil had said, biting his lip.

“I didn’t know that. You never… really talked about it, being over there. I always thought it was because you hadn’t been happy, but… you were, weren’t you?” He sighs, shoving his hand through his hair.

“It’s… complicated. I was. For a long time, I was, and I loved them, and I know they loved me back, took care of me, but things… changed. Thomas grew. And so did we. And Janus started becoming bitter, about being hidden away in the dark, started wanting more. And Roman stopped playing with Remus, which made him hurt and angry, which made him louder and more violent. And everything seemed… scarier, to me. Everything was scarier. There was all this tension and Janus became colder, absorbed in all the ways he’d get revenge, and Remus was wilder, not in the fun, tussling way we’d had with each other, but actually violently wilder, and I didn’t trust him not to hurt me on purpose, anymore. And I started drawing away from them both, isolating myself, my own anxiety not helping anything, telling me they hated me anyway, so what am I even doing, here?

Then… then the door showed up, and suddenly I was on the stairs in the living room, with all of you, and it wasn’t… great, my reception, but it wasn’t nearly as scary, as what life had become, so I thought, maybe I can do this. Dee didn’t really give me a choice. He was furious, he was so angry, that after everything, I had shown myself. Really, he was jealous it was me, the door had appeared to, that it was me who hadn’t done anything to deserve it, hadn’t worked for it, hadn’t aimed for it, that got to meet Thomas, after all his years of trying to figure out how to do just that and failing. I left.

But it wasn’t much of a choice. Janus made it clear I was no longer welcome, and there would be consequences, if I showed back up. Thinking about the good times, the happy parts, just made it hurt, so I shoved those away, and let myself only focus on the bad, only remember the fear and the pain and the hurt, because otherwise… otherwise I think it would have killed me, leaving like that. They were my family.

And they didn’t want me, and you all didn’t want me, and I just… I just decided, why am I even trying? Why do any of this, why… if no one wants me, fine, I’ll give everyone what they want, because it’s not like I wanted myself around, either. Then you came, anyway. And I said screw it, fuck them, I don’t care about them anymore, I have something better now, people who actually care, and want me, and it made me so angry, even more angry, at Janus and Remus, because I could barely remember ever feeling like that, with them. I hadn’t in so long, it was easier to pretend I never had at all. And now… now I guess we’re back where we started, all together in a group and I just…

I keep waiting, for it to all fall apart, again. For it all to shatter, and it scares me, Pat, it scares me so badly because I can’t make that choice again, I don’t… I don’t know who I’ll choose.”

“You won’t. You will never have to go through something like that again, Virg, I promise. No matter what happens, we are not splitting up again, and I was so wrong, to let it happen in the first place. It just hurt all of us. No one is being sent away, never, ever, ever.” He states it firmly enough, conviction shining in his eyes, that Virgil can almost believe him.

“yeah. Ok, pat.” He looks away, huffing out a breath, blowing at his bangs. “We should probably head back, shouldn’t we?” He’s not exactly looking forwards to it, but he knows the others are bound to be worried.

“probably. But there’s no harm in staying a little longer, if you need.” He catches Patton’s small smile, Tabitha beaming softly at the both of them, pride radiating off of her, and he looks down at the table, a warmth settling into his chest.

“ok. Toss me those muffins, ‘Tabby’, I’ve got some stress eating to accomplish.”

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