#Literally did this amount of food and worked out and pooped today

[girlhorse]

sorry to bother you, but you made a post talking about signs of GI issues in dogs and was wondering if you could tell me what helped you recognize that enzo has GI problems? it’s something i’m worried about my own dog struggling with, but i have 0 clue what to look for. don’t feel obligated to answer this!

well, first was at 6 months, i noticed Enzo started coughing after he drank, about every other time he drank. It was at first not something i thought much about before it became more consistent. My first vet suggested it could be collapsing trachea (literally only bc hes a toy breed) and said not to worry about it. I saw another vet at that practice, and since i was worried about it i asked her opinion. She said it was possible that it was GERD, and that we could try an antacid eventually to see if it would help.

Other symptoms that I figured were just puppy stuff (and may hve just been puppy stuff!): very rare vomitting of bile in the AM, being a picky eater particularly in the morning, and the very rare soft poop. A lot of these can be explained by pupoy stuff, puppies are notorious for "garbage gut" (eating nonfood items that makes them sick), and sometimes just have sensitive tummies. bilous vomitting in the morning isnt particularly unheard of in healthy dogs or in puppies, sometimes having an empty stomach can make dogs feel nauseous and throw up, but this is more common in dogs with gerd/acid reflux.

one other less common symptom is halitosis aka bad breath. especially if it smells foul, like puke. Puke smell would mean reflux. Other bad smells can be dental issues related to reflux or some dysbiosis in the gut.

GERD tends to get worse overnight, mostly because of how gravity is acting on the stomach. It's easier for stomach acid to travel up the esophagus when the dog is laying down.

Things got worse when he contracted giardia in March. After treatment, his symptoms were better but did not completely resolve. He still had softer stools and I was pretty much washing his butt every day. He also continued to show reflux signs - at this point coughing every single time he drank, and starting to show intermittent (but short) gulping episodes.

video of a gulping episode from today, which is basically just what dogs sometimes do when they feel stomach acid traveling up their esophagus:

These were new, but i was aware of what they were bc of my anxiety induced research spirals from before I knew what his cough was

He also was having bile vomit episodes a little more frequently, though not in a super concerning amount at first.

My vet prescribed a diff diet for Enzo after 2 weeks of no improvement post treatment, even though the fecal tests were negative. This diet worked amazing at first and had his stool firm immediately, I was impressed!

But shortly after, like a week later, he made himself sick by eating cat poop (my current theory) and he was having trouble holding food down for a couple of days. We dosed cerenia and he was fine for a couple days but continued ti have issues with bile vomitting that week. And about a week after he was feeling better, he had an episode of passing bloody stool.

Basically at that point we started screening him for IBD, since a lot of other issues were ruled out. So far nothing has come back conclusive. but before this week, he was doing great with the diet trial of hydrolized food and an added probiotic.

His symptom flared, i ASSUME, because I fed him a bit of chicken. His flare started with increase in coughing (which had gone away!) and progressed to soft stool and eventual reflux episodes especially directly following meals.

i hope this helped. every single dog presents GI issues differently. If you tell me what specifically is concerning you i might be able to help better but i am not a vet, just someone who researches a ton when shes anxious lol

anyway. gi issues suck!

[redstarwriting]

My Favorite Avenger

Pietro Maximoff x Reader

Request: "Hi! Are you taking requests? It so could you pls write something with any Avenger of your choice falling in love with a SI employee but they're too shy to go and ask her out? Thanks!”

Word Count: 1,661

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: swearing, catcalling, elevators, probably an incorrect Russian translation

A/N: PIETRO MY BOY!!! Okay so I’m totally in love with this sarcastic silver speeder and really want him to come back to the MCU but I digress. I decided to write this about him because he needs some more LOVE okay? This was a really fun one to write, and I’m thinking of making this one a two parter too maybe? We shall see. Also, I wasn’t totally sure if SI meant Stark Industries but I’m pretty sure it does so I went with it! For now, I hope you enjoy!

───────────────────────────────────

Pietro Maximoff was notorious for flirting with everyone he came into contact with, and you were no different. The man would always compliment you, but unlike the other people he did it to, he would just… run away from you afterwards. It honestly became a part of your work routine. You would come into work at the Avengers Tower and report to Pepper, you being her assistant and all. Without fail, he would greet you immediately, complimenting either your clothes or your hair before speeding away. Twenty minutes later you’d see him in a full-on conversation with one of Pepper’s clients. It’s odd because for a long while you two would have conversations too, but recently it feels like he’s been avoiding you. What a confusing man. “(Y/N)? Something on your mind?” Pepper interrupts your thoughts. “Oh? Um, sorry. I was just… thinking about something.”

“Something or someone?” You look at her with big eyes and she pats your shoulder. “If anyone knows how someone looks when they’re thinking about a guy who’s hopelessly confusing, it’s me. Now spill. What’s on your mind.” With that, you tell her all about Pietro. How it seems like he’s been ignoring you for some odd reason and how you don’t know what you did. “He likes you,” she says immediately after you finish telling her about it. “I’m sorry, what?”

“He likes you! Pietro puts up a big front, but he’s really a baby. He’s nervous you don’t like him back so he’s trying as hard as possible to avoid you.” You stare at her, blinking a few times before words comes to you. “You got… all of that… from the small amount of information that I told you?”

“Yep.”

“How?”

“You ever meet Tony Stark? You know, my husband? The guy who’s name is the start of the company you work for?” You purse your lips. She’s got a point. “Well, what did you do?”

“Honestly I just… let it happen. There wasn’t really any asking out or anything we just kind of… became a thing? Look, I recommend you tell him how you feel, because you obviously feel the same way about him,” she says and you bite your lip. She’s right, Pietro is quite an attractive man. He’s also funny. And isn’t afraid of a fight. You sigh, nodding. “I’ll try but, God, am I terrible at flirting.” Pepper laughs at this before going to a meeting. You head out to get her lunch, and little do you know that she’s plotting on how to get you and Pietro together. Her “meeting?” She just went to go see Wanda. “Wanda.”

“Pepper,” she replies, walking over to her as this meeting is literally happening in the Avengers Tower kitchen. “How much do you know about your brother?”

“This is about his thing for (Y/N), isn’t it?” she says with a slight grin. Pepper nods and Wanda groans. “He’s really liked her for a while now and I’ve told him so many times that she likes him back but he insists on saying she doesn’t when it’s so obvious!” Pepper laughs at Wanda’s riled up state and Wanda takes a deep breath, recollecting herself. “What do you say we get them together?”

“I’m listening.”

While this was happening, your day went from kind of okay to really horrible. While on your way to get Pepper’s food a bird pooped on you, someone said something very gross and derogatory towards you, and the sandwich shop got Pepper’s order wrong! So here you are, rushing back to Avengers Tower and silently cursing whatever God there is because GOD you are annoyed. You hurry into the lobby of Avengers Tower, heading directly over to the elevator. Right before the doors close, you see a flash of blue and boom, Pietro Maximoff is in the elevator with you. How convenient. “Hello, (Y/N).”

“Hi,” you mumble and he frowns a little. “You are upset?” he asks and you sigh, nodding. “Yeah, yeah, it’s nothing I’m just… bad day, you know?” The literal minute you finish saying that, you feel the elevator you’re both in jerk to a stop. “No fucking way,” you whisper and you can hear Pietro audibly gulp. And that’s when you hear JARVIS come on over the system. “Terribly sorry (Y/N) and Pietro but it seems that the elevator has stopped working. I will do my best to try and get it up again butt until then, I’m afraid you two will just have to wait.” You let out a frustrated sigh, immediately sliding down the side of the elevator. Pietro awkwardly sits next to you, and you close your eyes. You never particularly liked elevators, and knowing that you’re stuck in one very high up? That’s not it, chief. “(Y/N)? Are you okay?” you hear Pietro ask and you shrug. “Right now, yeah. As long as I don’t think about the sudden death that would come if this thing fell right now. Oh would you look at that? Now I’m thinking about it,” you ramble off. Pietro laughs a little because even though you’re scared, you’re still really cute. “Well, don’t worry if this falls I’ll get you out of here in like, a second.”

“But how? You can’t open the doors.”

“Well,” he points up to he ceiling, revealing a little trap door up there, “I would punch that open and run up the wall and then through the doors to another floor. I can do that, you know.” He grins at you and you smile a little. “Oh, my hero. What would I ever do without Pietro Maximoff,” you say, and you can swear you see him blush a bit. How soft. You suppose you could just ask him to do that, but that would also mean money. And you decide that won’t be necessary unless you two are about to die. “So, Maximoff. How should we pass time til JARVIS gets us out of here?” you ask him and he puts on a “thinking” face. “Well… we haven’t really talked for a while I guess. So… how are you?”

“I’ve been better.” “Hmm?”

“Well, I mean today just… really sucks. A bird pooped on me. I don’t know if you noticed this random white stain but it’s there! And along with that, I got catcalled again and-“

“Again?”

“Yeah, New York is… a place. It happens, it’s just annoying. In reality, I could absolutely destroy anyone who actually tried to go after me. Tony made me take self defense lessons led by Nat herself, so. I’m pretty set. I’m also just very exhausted right now. It’s like I never stop working,” you vent out to him and he frowns a little. “Well, have you been getting enough sleep?” he asks, genuine concern and sincerity in his voice. You just laugh. “Not enough, Piet.” He frowns even more and you look over at him. “It’s okay though. I can’t really complain considering I get to work in a building with the Avengers most of the time. That’s pretty dope.”

“Speaking of the Avengers, who happens to be your favorite hero?” You raise your eyebrows at him. “Well that’s a random question.”

“I guess you could say you didn’t see that coming,” he teases. Him and that damn saying. “No, no I did not,” you say, shaking your head. You two sit there for a while before he looks at you. “Okay butt seriously. Who is it? Is it Steve? He’s strong and smart like you, that would make a lot of sense. Or maybe Nat? She’s really cool too. My sister? Everyone loves my sister. Oh, what about Tony? You work for him, your default answer is probably him, why did I even ask I-“

“Piet!” you cut him off from his wondering out loud and he jumps a bit, looking over at you. “Let me answer, yeah?” He nods and you lean your head back against the wall. “I do love Steve, but he is definitely not my favorite. Too responsible. Nat is amazing, yes, but she’s also not my favorite. And you’re right, I do love your sister, but she’s also not my favorite Avenger. Since Tony is technically my employer, I guess I could say him, but I’d be lying if I did.”

“Well then… who is it?” he asks, and you can feel his gaze burning into the side of your. “Well, he’s new. He also isn’t what you’d expect. He’s pretty nonchalant with everything but wouldn’t hesitate to save all of his friends, even if they annoy the hell out of him sometimes…” you hint, and then you hear him groan. “It’s Sam, isn’t it? I should have kno-”

“Pietro, it’s you.”

“What?”

“You’re my favorite Avenger. He looks at you with big eyes before breaking into a smile. The moment he does though, the elevator starts moving again. You both immediately get up, and before you know it you’re at your stop. You begin to walk off the elevator before Pietro grabs your hand and pulls you back into him, giving you a hug. “You know, if you were an Avenger you would be my favorite,” he says with a wink before speeding off. You laugh, staring at the streak he left before walking off of the elevator. “Goddamnit!” you hear Wanda shriek, and you look to your left to see Wanda and Pepper peeking out from behind a ficus. “Why can’t he just say his feelings!” You then learn that the elevator didn’t actually shut down. Wanda just made it stop moving and Pepper let JARVIS in on the plan. After a while though, Wanda had to let it go, and the plan was foiled because Pietro is ‘A GUTLESS Мудак’ according to Wanda. Oh, and Мудак? Yeah that means asshole. She was… upset. But hey, at least Pietro knew who your favorite Avenger was. And now, he actually talks to you more, too.

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 151

August 9

My computer is not doing too great, but it is working for now so that is a worry for another day. Today's worries include answering a bazillion MPRE practice questions, trying to figure out where the hell all our phone chargers keep going, and trying to balance kitten diets in such a way that they gain more weight and have nicer poops. It was a busy day. 

I took three MPRE practice tests today, two from BarBri and one from Themis. Themis does the same thing as BarBri where they let people do MPRE study for free to try and get them hooked for bar exam study later on. I did the two BarBri tests first and got 50/60 and 54/60 correct, which is pretty good. In Virginia, an 85 scaled score is necessary to pass, with ten of the 60 questions being unscored experimental questions they are trying out for future tests. That makes it hard to figure out exactly how many questions you need to get right to pass. But a 54 is definitely enough, and 50 is probably yes, so that's good. The Themis questions were harder because they were written in a different way and didn't speak exactly to what I learned in the lectures (exactly why they are valuable) but I still got a 77% correct when the average is 59%, so yay? Also all the questions I missed were at least moderate and usually harder, so hopefully the scaling would be in my favor. One question was so difficult or poorly conceived that a full 60% of test-takers picked the answer I chose, while fewer than 20%% guessed correctly. Tomorrow I will take a couple more practice tests and do the final review packet, then Tuesday is the big day! 

Somewhere in my house, I am convinced, there is a secret cache full of iPhone cords, socks, and tiny flashlights. I keep buying more and more of these items, and yet I can never find one when I need one. I bought two iPhone plugs just this week, and four new cords at the end of May to add to the literal dozens I've bought, yet it is still a struggle to find two cords and two plugs all at the same time. At least it makes a little sense with the cords because they do break and stop working pretty often, so I throw them away. No idea what happens to my little flashlights or all the socks. 

I've switched Sokka back to bottle supplements after noticing that he has diarrhea and has not been gaining weight on a kitten food diet. He should be old enough for kitten food and he was eating it, but it's not agreeing with his little tummy yet, I guess. That's not great, but I'm gonna keep a careful eye on him. After three supplement meals he is up nearly half an ounce, so that's a good start. The others haven't gained too much weight in the four full days I've had them either, but the start of weaning tends to be a time of stalled growth, especially if the weaning comes from a sudden departure from Mom. I've started adding a bit of milk instead of water to their wet food, making it more gruel than pate, and they seem to like it pretty well. If the poop doesn't firm up they may need some ponazuril or further changes to their diets, but hopefully continued good eating will get them on the right track. 

Tomorrow is the first day of classes at my husband's university, and getting ready for that has been a trip and a half. Originally classes were supposed to start at the end of August, per the usual calendar. The school pivoted fairly early to remote learning for the fall, kudos to them there. They decided to move the start of the school year up by several weeks, though, and also decided that faculty would be required to teach from their offices on campus. This was not great and ended up shaping our trip to Illinois to be a bit shorter than we'd hoped, but whatever. Then, when we got back here, they reevaluated the safety situation and changed things again so that no faculty are even allowed to be on campus until everyone has gotten negative COVID testing, which could pose a problem for anybody who hadn't picked up, say, the instructional materials they were planning to have in their offices to teach with. Luckily he has all the stuff he needs and a quiet little teaching alcove in our bedroom, so he is set. Kiddo doesn't go back for a few more weeks, and I'm sure he's going to milk it for all it's worth. 

I need to try and get to bed at a decent hour tonight. The MPRE is much less grueling than the bar exam; it's a two hour test that starts at 10am, but I still want to make sure I'm not operating on a sleep deficit. The amount of material is limited on this test, but it makes up for it by some of the questions being fiddly as hell. I don't want to accidentally say a judge must recuse himself from a case because I thought it was his wife's nephew working for one of the parties when in fact it was his wife's cousin, which would be fine! How embarrassing, right? 

[btsqualityy]

BTS Baby Series #8: Baby’s first smile

5 Months Old

Kim Seokjin

Since Kaiden was five months old now, you decided to start introducing more food to him other than just your breast milk. You gave Jin the job of feeding him for the first time and Jin accepted.

“Alright, here we go Kade,” Jin grinned as he set Kaiden’s car seat with Kaiden inside on the kitchen counter. He walked over to the cupboard and grabbed a jar of baby food. After grabbing one of the baby spoons from the drawer, he walked back over to Kaiden.

“So, I know you’re probably tired of that same old milk right?” Jin chuckled as he twisted open the jar. “Here’s some applesauce for you to try,” Jin mumbled as he dipped the spoon into the applesauce. He brought the spoon to Kaiden’s mouth but he wouldn’t open it.

“Oh, come on Kade,” Jin groaned as he tried to get him to open up again. “Am I seriously going to have to be like those other dads that have to do silly things just to get you to eat?” Jin asked and Kaiden just stared at him blankly. Jin sighed heavily as he set down both the jar and the spoon. He then did some aegyo, putting his fingers on his cheeks and making some baby voices. Kaiden’s face burst out into a smile as he giggled at his father.

“Kade!” Jin yelled as he realized that it was his first time smiling. He quickly remembered what he had been trying to do and after picking up the spoon, he quickly stuck it into Kaiden’s mouth, watching as he slurped on it happily.

“Wait until I tell your mom,” Jin smirked. “I got you to eat somewhat solid food and smile for the first time.”

Min Yoongi

You typed the all too familiar pass code into the keypad and waited for the telltale beeping sound. Once you heard it, you opened the door to Yoongi’s studio and walked inside with Kinsley in your arms. 

“Hi baby,” Yoongi smiled after he turned around and saw you. “Hi baby girl,” he cooed at Kinsley. You handed her to him before sitting in the chair next to him.

“So Yoongs, what was so important that I had to rush down here? And with Kins?” You questioned him. He looked up from Kinsley, who he had been planting kisses all over since you’d handed her to him.

“Well, I finished my new song. You know, the one I was telling you about?” He asked and you nodded. “I wanted my favorite critics to listen to it.”

“Oh, alright,” you smiled. “Go ahead and play it.” He pressed the space bar on his keyboard and the room filled with a steady beat. He placed Kinsley on his knee and bounced her lightly in time to the song. As you listened to it, you couldn’t help but to like it. You looked over at Kinsley and saw her smiling as Yoongi bounced her.

“Yoongs!” You shrieked, leaning down so that you were face to face with Kinsley. “She just smiled for the first time.”

“She did?” Yoongi asked and he looked down at her to see for himself. “Well, I guess it’s safe to say that she likes the song,” he said, making you laugh.

Kim Namjoon

“Jagi!” Namjoon called as he walked into the house. 

“In the kitchen!” You answered and a few seconds later, Namjoon walked into the kitchen to see you cooking. He walked over to you and kissed you before hugging you.

“How was recording today?” You asked.

“Pretty good. How was your day?” 

“The usual,” you shrugged. “Mason, diapers, feedings.” He nodded and looked over to see Mason sitting in his car seat on the counter, sucking on his pacifier.

“Hey buddy,” Namjoon smiled as he walked over to him, leaning down and kissing his nose. He stood up straight again, glancing back to see you stirring something at the stove. “Want some help jagi?”

“Oh no, you don’t have to Joon,” you said but Namjoon shook his head.

“You’ve been home with Mase all day. The least I could do is help with dinner,” Namjoon replied as he walked over to the fridge.

“You say that like I wasn’t planning on letting you handle bedtime duty tonight,” you smirked, making him chuckle. He grabbed some fresh celery out of the fridge to cut up and then closed the door to the fridge. He started to walk towards the counter but somehow tripped over his own feet and fell down to the ground. You turned around quickly, rushing over to him.

“Are you alright Joon?” You asked worriedly and he nodded.

“I’m good jagi,” he assured you and you couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped your lips. “Oh, nice to know you find this funny.”

“I’m sorry,” you said but continued to chuckle. You both then heard another giggle and you both looked up at Mason, who had a large grin on his face. 

“I guess it’s true what they say: it really is your own family that betrays you,” Namjoon grumbled playfully, which made you laugh harder.

Jung Hoseok

“Can you keep them occupied while I get their outfits?” You asked Hobi. He looked up from his spot leaning on the front of the couch, looking at the twins who were both sitting up against the pillows on the couch.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Go ahead jagiya.” You smiled and walked upstairs to the nursery. Hobi looked back at the babies and saw them both pouting. “Why the pouty faces kids?” He asked but of course, they didn’t answer him. Suddenly, Lennox burst out into tears. The loudness of his cries must’ve scared Berkeley because she started to cry as well.

“Hey, hey,” he set a hand on both of their heads and rubbed softly but they kept crying. Knowing that he couldn’t hold them both right now, he stood up in front of the couch and started to do his aegyo. He moved his hips back and forth, making funny faces towards them. They both stopped crying and stared up at him, which he took as a sign that it was working.

“It’s ok,” Hobi said in a high pitched voice as he continued to twist his body in front of them. All of a sudden, they both burst out laughing at him. Happy that he had stopped them from crying, he continued to move and he didn’t even notice you come back downstairs.

“Hobi, what are you doing?” You chuckled as you walked over to him. You looked down at the twins and gasped once you saw their faces. “Oh my gosh, they’re smiling,” you exclaimed. You down on the couch next to them as Hobi kept going. “Daddy’s funny huh?” You grinned as the twins continued to smile and move their arms at Hobi.

Park Jimin

You were sitting on a chair in the boys’ practice room, watching them rehearse for their upcoming concert. Noah was sitting in your lap, his eyes following Jimin’s every move.  

After the boys finished the group rehearsals, they decided to go over their solo songs as well. The introduction to Serendipity began and Jimin started to sing. You looked down at Noah, who had the widest smile on his face. You gasped in surprise, because this was the first time he had ever smiled.

“Someone really likes seeing Daddy sing and dance huh?” You giggled. You looked back at Jimin and watched him finish out the rest of his song. Once he was done, he walked over to you and Noah.

“Hey Jagi,” he smiled, leaning down and kissing you softly. He bent down so that he was face to face with Noah. “Hi mini me,” Jimin grinned and it widened once he saw the smile on Noah’s face. “Is this his first time smiling?” Jimin asked you and you nodded.

“Figures his first smile would be cause of you,” you grumbled playfully, watching as Jimin kissed Noah’s chubby cheeks. 

Kim Taehyung

Tae was sitting on the floor in your bedroom, Spencer sitting in between his legs. Yeontan was in front of them, playing tug of war with Tae as he held onto one of his dog toys.

“So, finish telling me what else happened,” you said as you folded clothes on the bed.

“Well, so we’re at the arena rehearsing for the show in a few days and you know how we have that long runway part to get to stage b?” He asked and you nodded. “Well, Jimin proceeded to sprint down the runway, slipped on a wet spot that somehow got on the stage about halfway there, and literally slid the rest of the way to stage b,” he explained, making you crack up.

“That’s insane,” you giggled. “Please tell me someone got video of that.”

“I think so. I can text Jin hyung and ask,- Yah! Don’t pull on his fur like that Munchkin!” Tae exclaimed, taking Spencer’s hand and unwrapping it from Yeontan’s fur. “You have to be gentle, yeah?” He softly set her small hand on his head and showed her how to softly pet him.

“Who would’ve thought we’d have to watch how she treats him instead of the other way around?” You point out, making Tae laugh. 

“I know right? But she loves Tannie. Don’t you Munchkin?” He asked her and a wide grin broke out on her face. “Jagi, she’s smiling,” Tae gasped and you quickly dropped the shirt you were holding and rushed over to him. 

“Oh my gosh, she has your smile,” you giggled. “You’re so cute Spence,” you cooed as you kissed her nose, which made her smile wider. “Just like your daddy.”

Jeon Jungkook

“Oh, someone’s got a dirty diaper!” Jungkook groaned after he finished burping Ava from feeding her. He stood up from the rocking chair and carried her over to the changing table that was against the opposite wall.

“I really hope you poop this much when your mom has you and I’m at work,” he grumbled. “The amount of times I’ve changed your diaper today is unreal.” He took off her old diaper, wrapping it up and throwing it into the small trashcan that was beside the changing table. 

“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine,” Jungkook started to sing as he grabbed the wipes to clean Ava. “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.” After she was clean, he threw the wipes away and grabbed a new diaper to put on her.

“Everyday, everyday,” he leaned down and left kisses on her face and once he pulled back, he saw a large smile on her face. He copied her, knowing that this was the first time she had smiled. He finished putting the new diaper on her and picked her up again.

“Gonna let my little light shine,” He finished the song, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. 

[xillveart]

Sea Legs

Ch. 3 - Playing Doctor

Boku No Hero Academia / My Hero Academia Quirkless, Mermaid, Modern AU

Rating: Explicit | Excessive Fluff, Blood, Wounds, Nudity, Sex, Cursing and Vulgar Language

Genre: Romance / Humor / Angst

Main Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x Koge Naegi (oc)

A trip to her grandmothers beachfront home was something that Koge had done every year of her life. This time, an unlikely discovery would change her life forever. Who knew explaining how to be a human could be so hard.

“Well, Katsuki, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Koge.” The petite woman stood, starting to make her way over towards the wounded section of his tail. Bakugou scoffed, glare locked on her as she moved. “Don’t call me by my first name. And don’t expect me to call you by yours!” With a small roll of her eyes, Koge squatted down between two rocks, observing the wood that was pierced through his body. “Well, I don’t like my last name so I’m not gonna tell it to you. So, you have to call me Koge.”

“Fuck that… I’ll call you… Utsuro.”

“Eh? You’re calling me hollow? Why?”

“Because you literally have no fucking expressions and your voice is like an annoying whisper. You’re obviously void of any emotion-- hey, don’t touch me! I fucking told you!” He tilted his body away from her touch as Koge tenderly placed her hand against his scaled body, though he couldn’t go far enough to get away from her. Huffing, Koge narrowed her eyes at him. “No, I’m gonna help you. We have to get this thing out, don’t we?”

“I can pull it out myself! You’ll just end up killing me if you try.” Although he was trying to be tough, Koge could hear the fatigue in his voice. His entire body was still trembling, and the confidence in his strained expression was very quickly fading. In fact, Koge was amazed that he was even still conscious at all. “No,” she spoke sternly, tapping a finger to her chin as she tried to think. “I have to help you, you’d just pass out halfway though from the pain. Oh!” Standing, Koge hopped off the rocks back onto the sand, though she turned her attention back to him before going off.

“Just stay here and I’ll be back. I have to get some stuff from the house to be able to do this.”

“Stuff like what?” Bakugou hissed through his teeth, face now hidden in his arms.

“Well… Towels, bandages, alcohol and I have some pain pills that I bet will help. I mean, you’re half human so they have to work, right?” Koge wasn’t quite sure if her question was directed to him or to the open air, but an annoyed glare from the corner of his eye told her that Bakugou had no idea. “Ah, anyway, just… Chill out here, okay? It’ll only take me a few minutes. Don’t die!” With that, she turned and began sprinting down the beach back towards the house, trying to create a list in her mind.

Towels. Bandages. Alcohol and wound cream, whatever it’s called. A blanket? A bucket. A saw, hand or electric would be better? Medicine, like painkillers and maybe antibiotics if Grandma has any sitting around. Would I need food? What the hell would he even eat? Needle and thread maybe? Would I need a lighter? Damn it, I’m not a doctor, I’m way over my head!

Still, Koge gathered everything as quickly as she could, shoving it all either into the bucket or into a backpack. Fresh water, some raw shrimp from the fridge, a couple of fruits, a tent and other miscellaneous items joined the list, and before Koge really knew it, she looked like she was going camping. Much to her frustration, she wasn’t the only one that noticed.

“My dear? Where are you going with all those things?” Kiki spoke up from the kitchen, spotting Koge as she tried to sneak out the back with all her new belongings. With a small cough to clear her throat and steady herself, Koge took a few steps back, locking eyes with her grandmother. “Ah well, it’s so beautiful outside today I thought I would just maybe… Hang out and pitch a tent and just enjoy the sun?” She could hear the bullshit in her own voice, but she had always been a horrible liar, though she knew that the truth would sound just as ridiculous. After a moment, Kiki nodded, giving a small smile. “Oh, that sounds exciting. The beach is very private, as you know, but please don’t go too far down. Would you like me to send someone to wait on you in a few hours?”

“No, no, that’s okay. If I need something I’ll just come back up. I have my cell phone that can make calls and text still, so let me know if you need me to come back, okay?”

With another nod from Kiki, Koge was off, jogging back down the beach with her excessive amount of effects. She worried the entire time if she had everything she needed, if any of it was even going to work, or if she had taken too long deciding what was necessary to bring. All she could pray for was that the creature she had left on the rocks was still alive, after the good hour it took her to return. At first, she was shocked to find that Bakugou wasn’t even where she had left him. Instead, he had somehow moved himself off the rocks and crawled into a shaded area in the sand, where the edge of the jungle met the beach. It was the trail of blood and disturbed sand that led her to him, worry bubbling in her stomach at first glance.

Bakugou had stayed on his stomach, face once again hidden in his arms. From afar, there was no movement, but as Koge approached she could see his back moving with deep, labored breaths. Knowing she had to hurry, Koge put her belongings down near him, softly speaking to him as to not startle him awake. “Katsuki? Can you hear me?”

The only response was a heavy sigh, though it was obvious that his strength had all but given out at this point. How he had dragged himself at least fifty yards from the rocks was baffling, and if he weren’t in such a dire state, Koge would find herself marveling at his power. But for now, she needed to help him.

“I think I know what I need to do.” Koge began to dig through the backpack, pulling out the towels, medicine, alcohol and battery powered electric saw. “The wood is still too long, I have to shorten it first so it won't be so hard to get out. That, and the end needs to be smooth so it won’t leave splinters. Hopefully it won’t, I mean.” Koge was more speaking to herself in a soft mumble, though Bakugou finally lifted his head to respond. “Tch, I guess you’re not as stupid as you look. What are those pain things you were talking about? Painkillers?”

Picking up on his curiosity, Koge handed him the small bottle, which was sealed with a child proof cap. At first, he focused his tired crimson glare on the words, running his finger along the characters as he did. “May cause drowsiness… Don’t take on an empty stomach. Doesn’t say about no fish-people, so that’s a plus.” Bakugou grumbled to himself as he attempted to open the bottle, though his lighthearted joke was quickly swallowed by frustration. “What the fuck, how does it open!?”

Koge couldn’t help but to giggle softly. “It’s made so children can’t get in it. Push down on the lid with your palm and twist.”

“Are you calling me a child?!”

“Well if you can’t open it, you must be one.”

Her quick retort silenced the blonde instantly, though his glare never left her face. “You’re lucky I feel like shit, or I swear you’d regret that.” Bakugou finally got the bottle open with a pop, promptly pouring more than half of the pills into his palm. Stammering, Koge quickly placed her hand over his, covering the pills so he couldn’t plop them into his mouth. “Wait! Only one!”

“Eh? How is just one of these little pills strong enough?!” Bakugou didn’t fight to get his hand back, though his fingers did clamp down around her small hand in response to her touch. “I’m bigger than a human, don’tcha think?” Koge gave a small shake of her head, closing her fingers around the pills to pick them up from his palm. “Still. Only one. If one doesn’t work, then we can do one and a half. These are super strong, they knock me on my ass, seriously.”

“Well you’re a midget.”

“That’s not very nice.” Koge took the bottle back as well, giving him one single tiny blue pill. “But you have to take it with food. Uh… what do you eat?”

Bakugou glowered up at her, rolling the small pill between his fingers. “Anything.”

“Literally anything?”

“That’s what I fucking said. What did you bring?”

After placing the pills back into the bottle and closing it up, Koge dug through her pack again, looking at her selection of food. “I brought some fruit… Uhm… Shrimp? It’s already been de-pooped--”

“Gimme the shrimp.” Bakugou snapped at her, plopping the pill into his mouth before reaching into the bag himself. “What the fuck do you mean ‘de-pooped’? You mean you cleaned them already? Can you not talk like a normal person?” Feeling the cold plastic bag, he pulled them to him, an obvious hunger giving him enough energy at the moment. Enough energy to be an ass, sure, but Koge couldn’t really blame him. He must have been starving after everything he had gone through and how much blood he had lost, though the fact that he began to eat them half defrosted and raw did freak her out a bit.

“Uh, ew. I mean, I assume you don’t cook them… In the water. But still.” Koge glowered down at Bakugou as he ate with a ravenous hunger, eating all but the tails, which he tossed onto the ground beside him. “We eat everything raw, though we do clean the meat before eating it. At least, most of us do. I can’t stand fish with the scales still on them or the fins. Fucking disgusting.”

Koge gave a small hum, setting out her supplies to care for his wound on top of a towel. “Prissy boy, aren’tcha? You seem spoiled.”

“Like you would know! Stop assuming shit, you don’t know anything about me.” Bakugou tossed a shrimp tail at her, hitting her square on the cheek. “Besides, you’re the one that’s obviously spoiled for a human, living in that big house.”

“I don’t live there, my grandmother does. But that doesn’t matter. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed anything like that.” From the side of the backpack, Koge pulled out a water bottle, taking a healthy swig. The morning had faded into midday, and she was beginning to feel the humidity and heat weighing down on her. Even though her hair was up in a ponytail, the stray hairs stuck to her face and the back of her neck, and the grimy feeling of sweat was making itself known. When she finished drinking, she noticed that Bakugou was staring up at her silently, shocking her so much she almost felt the urge to jump. “W-what?”

“What’s that?” His eyes darted from the bottle back to her face. “Is it fresh water?”

“It is. Do you want some?”

At first, he eyed it cautiously, fiddling with a shrimp in his fingers. “If I drink it, I’ll probably take the whole thing. It’s very sweet to us… Addicting almost.”

“Really? Well… Why don’t you have it. I mean… If things don’t go well, at least you got to have some.” Koge handed the bottle out towards him, a bit surprised to see a snarky smirk cross his lips as he took it.

“Heh, true. Well, it wouldn’t be the worst last moments one could spend on Earth.”

“Are you ready then?”

After chugging nearly half the remaining water in the large bottle, Bakugou sighed, the tip of his tail shifting about in what Koge could only assume was either momentary happiness or nervousness. Koge wasn’t confident in herself, but he had put his faith in her, lest he die out here like a beached animal.

“Yes. I want to get it over with. You had better not kill me. I have no choice but to trust you.”

[thegreenwolf]

The Magic of Manure

Originally posted at my blog, A Sense of Natural Wonder, at http://www.thegreenwolf.com/the-magic-of-manure/

How’s that for a title?

So over the past couple of years, as I’ve been spending time on a farm on the coast where my art studio is, the level of manure I encounter on a daily basis has increased quite a bit. It started with a parrot, and then an appaloosa, and now here we are with three parrots, two horses, seven sheep, a llama, a quail, ten chickens, and one German shepherd. Most of these technically aren’t mine (except the chickens and the dog) but I get to take care of all of them on a daily basis.

While I get to do the fun things like feeding and exercising and letting the chickens out to play in the pasture, I also have to take care of the inevitable poop. Sometimes this is as simple as cleaning the newspaper out of a parrot cage. However, one of the messiest and most physically demanding tasks is mucking out the horse shelter, which generally involves taking a wheelbarrow or two of manure and old hay each day over to the orchard to be spread on the ground for the benefit of all the plants. Since there’s nothing new and fragile over there, and the grass is pretty hardy, it can age in situ and within a few months it’s a pretty decent fertilizer for the ground.

This makes it more efficient than hauling it to a composting area, and then spreading it out in the orchard. It also maximizes the amount of nutrients going to that particular land. See, since the farm is right on the coast, the soil is sandy. And in fact the orchard is on the berm of an old railroad that used to run all the way up the peninsula along what was the beach a century or so ago. When jetties were put in at the mouth of the river, they stopped the flow of sand along the coast, and it began to back up. This has since added several hundred yards of ground to the west side of the peninsula; pretty much everything west of the barn was covered in water not too long ago.

So the soil has barely had time to even think of a humus layer, let alone build an appreciable layer thereof. The native plants, like shore pine and common foxglove, have evolved to survive on poor soil, and are some of the first plants to move out onto new land once the grasses have had their say for a while. Putting manure on the ground, therefore, significantly speeds up the rate at which organic material accumulates; planting nitrogen-fixing plants like clover helps further.

You’d think I’d hate hauling manure; it’s literally a dirty job (but someone’s gotta do it) and this time of year when everything is soaked with rain the manure picked up out in the pasture is much heavier. But it’s nowhere near as smelly as you might imagine, and moving it around is good exercise. Moreover, I appreciate the effort I’m putting in to take this lovely compost-to-be that our horses have left behind–literally–and use it to improve the soil for cultivation purposes. Especially during winter, when temperatures are cooler, the manure can decay more slowly so that the nutrients aren’t all lost to rapid microbial activity.

The orchard, with fresh manure in the foreground and each row with an increasingly older layer. Notice how vigorously the grass is growing back the longer it’s been sitting there.

How is that not magic? It is literally creating food from waste! No human being could take a wand and wave it an accomplish the same. Yet like photosynthesis and the hydrological cycle, this complicated and necessary ritual goes unnoticed by the majority of people the majority of the time. No wonder I’ve run into so many pagans over the years who complain that the world lacks magic just because we can’t shoot fireballs out of our hands or physically shapeshift or stop a speeding bullet with our thoughts. I think they just aren’t looking hard enough.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve approached the concept of magic not as some supernatural force wherein we can make things happen beyond normal human abilities, but as the supremely complicated chemical reactions that are at the heart of how our precious, fragile, life-giving Earth functions at all levels. My world is absolutely full to bursting with magic, with the ancient solar-systemic forces that cause the Earth to rotate to this day, the transformation of sunlight into the sugars that fuel the entire food web via photosynthesis, and the replication of DNA in countless cells of a myriad of living creatures every moment.

If I were still the sort of pagan to put stock in spells and rites, I might make something of my daily efforts beyond this. And in fact sometimes I do think about things that are bothering me when I am scooping and cleaning the horses’ leavings; it’s a time when my mind wanders anyway. But I remember that time and effort transform all things, and so I can imagine that when I spread the muck over the ground and leave it to biodegrade, I also leave my worries there to be digested and turned into something more positive and fertile. This doesn’t actually remove the things I worry about from my life, and it doesn’t miraculously cure me of my anxiety. It’s a good mental exercise, and a reminder that in many cases I have the ability to bring forth good things out of an otherwise bad situation if I just put enough work and patience into it. But I don’t see it as some magical rite that changes anything outside my own head, though years ago I might have.

Today, there is magic enough in the manure itself, from the time that the horse’s intestines are drawing the last nutrients they can through their permeable membranes to feed hungry cells, to when flies lay the eggs carrying the next generation in the fresh piles, and finally when the whole mess is spread out by wheelbarrow and raked over sandy soil to be made into a buffet for all sorts of tiny creatures without whom the ecosystem would collapse. It is motion, and transformation, and the passing of life-force from one being to another.

Not only grass, but hawksbeard, trailing blackberry and other plants are already finding a place among what will nourish them for generations. The additional nutrients will also host a greater diversity of fungi, bacteria and other tiny beings, as well as insects and other small arthropods, plus the birds and other animals that eat them–and so on.

I am content with this sort of magic, natural and measurable and infinitely replicable–and not at all anthropocentric. Not that I’m entirely uninvolved; I find peace with the change I make in the world by moving nutrients from one place to another so that the second place may be more suitable for fruit and nut trees, and berry vines, and who knows what else? I experience awe and wonder at knowing, at least from a layperson’s view, how this cycle of decay and renewal works, and how it doesn’t even really need my participation to keep doing its thing twenty-four hours a day. I am bringing forth a more fertile micro-reality in accordance with my Will, though with the understanding that there are plenty of factors–weather, unhappy microbes, me having a cold and being unable to move manure that day–that could affect the outcome in spite of my best efforts.

And so, dear reader, there’s a good chance that while you finish this post, I am out on the land with a pitchfork and wheelbarrow, creating fertile magic with the help of microbes and manure.

Did you enjoy this blog post? Consider picking up a copy of my book, Nature Spirituality From the Ground Up! It’s a guide to connecting with your bioregion on both spiritual and practical levels.

[forgettinggirlinterrpted]

Sunday 5/6

My roommates name is Shauna. She doesn’t flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag. 

A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. I’m the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, there’s no door. The poop lady is cackling. 

My roommate and I talked, she’s nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria. 

I’m having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c I’ve been hungover but surely that’s not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?

It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I don’t want to go to group therapy tomorrow. 

I just can’t stop crying, my eyes actually hurt. 

My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste. 

I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash. 

I don’t have the lights on bc Shauna’s sleeping- I feel like Mozart. 

My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number. 

Ill be back. 

Got Taylor’s # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep. 

My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday. 

I’ve only eaten a donut this morning. 

There’s a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me. 

I’m sweaty. 

Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phone 

*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea- 

is this a joke?

It’s a work in progress. 

*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)

Shauna is snoring. There’s no joke there but its absolutely worth noting. 

I just want to play candy crush. 

Monday

(12:30 pmish) I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.

I had so many dreams. 

I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. They’re in there talking about me. 

I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast. 

Shauna puked everywhere. 

I think she’s leaving. 

Also turns out she’s in withdrawal AND pregnant. 

And she has an infected injection site on her arm. 

I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts. 

The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now I’m hungry so I guess they’re gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)

4ish pm

40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan. 

Finally left my room, I’ve been asleep all day. 

Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw they’re watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches. 

Movies suggested by the dude I’m watching FSM w/

- assassin’s creed

-Dogma

10 positive ways to describe myself

1. Legs that go up to my asshole

2. College educated

3. Big heart

4. Good sense of humor

5. Love babies

6. Love my friends 

7. Good communicator

8. Love the outside

9. Big smile

10. Lovely family

9 positive coping skills 

1. Talk to Taylor

2. Going on walks

3. Calling my parents

4. Reading

5. Going to therapy

6. Doing hw

7. Watching movies

8. Candy crush (questionable) 

9. Eating veggies

8 things I’ve accomplished 

1. College

2. Getting into grad school

3. Learning Spanish

4. Coming to the hospital

5. Making great friends

6. Moving a lot and making it through

7. Driving to SLC 

8. Supporting myself (for the most part)

7 healthy things I can do each day 

1. Eat well

2. Shower

3. Talk to my friends

4. Not drink

5. Clean my room

6. Clean my clothes

7. Do my hw

6 things I can change

1. My eating habits

2. Drinking

3. Exercising more

4. Getting a routine

5. Whitening my teeth

6. How I see myself

5 things I can’t change

1. How my family acts

2. How my friends act

3. The status of the US public school system

4. The amount of sunlight in my apt 

5. My face 

4 reasons I can’t give up

1. My family

2. I’m going to change the world

3. My friends

4. My future students

3 places I can get help

1. w/ dr. whose name I can’t remember 

2. my apt (Taylor)

3. the hospital 

2 people I can really trust

1. Taylor

2. my parents

1 reason I’m here

1. I need to not feel like this anymore

I’m holding myself back from asking why everyone’s here. 

Assassin’s creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions. 

We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall. 

Biter dude told hair guy “nice hair”.

Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like he’s going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys! 

Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room. 

I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books. 

She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldson’s ‘on homesickness’. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect. 

Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate… double the lasagna we all got for dinner).

He keeps saying he looks like he’s about to give birth 

“I mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternity”

Wuthering Heights

1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff

Thrushcross Grange

Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here. 

What an anecdote. 

“they could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!” – about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagna’s real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper). 

Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said “you’re awfully quiet” and she rejected him hard. It was awk. 

One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch “just go w/ it” – its so bad. 

One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how I’m feeling and I keep saying fine but I’m not. As long as I don’t talk I don’t cry. I’m starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing. 

Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said “nuh uh” was iconic. 

Its 805 pm and I think I’m going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash. 

I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I don’t like how much of a blur today is. 

I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just don’t know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone. 

I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think. 

I’m sure she’s confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all.  Who cares. I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind. 

I need a talk therapist like yesterday.

I can’t bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but it’s easy to read.

 The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.

 Fake Abby doesn’t know what the move is, I can tell.

I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. She’s lovely. 

Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke. 

They’re checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like she’s closer to my age. 

I’m happy she’s not my roommate. 

I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back. 

I’m just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they did 

Goals for tomorrow-

Check out group

Find rec room/sign my name by Mack’s 

Document everything

Keep room clean

They still haven’t cleaned Shauna’s side. Its off putting. 

Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes? 

Its off putting also. 

I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn. 

My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I can’t say I’m feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? That’s where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow. 

I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!! 

Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush. 

- Be more present tomorrow-

- Ask more questions- 

be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them

On Homesickness pg 23

Scott County

We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known

37, Franklin County 

Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery County 

Tuesday 

7:10 am 

slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night. 

She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it. 

I’m just trying to let go of control. I don’t want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world. 

Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out. 

I keep thinking about my phone bill and I can’t remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car. 

Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it. 

I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night. 

I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?

I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That I’m not like everyone here? 

Newsflash, asshole, I am 

(I’m the asshole)

I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?

I wonder if Prather has texted me. I’m supposed to sub on the 21st. 

Yikes

Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also haven’t worked in over a week + a half soooooo. 

On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)

Also I think I’m getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, I’m getting hospital cooties. 

7:27 am 

I’m in TV room w/ singer. I asked what we’re watching and she said “some kind of cartoon”. She’s not screaming which is awesome. I’m going to read Wuthering Heights. 

Almost 8 

Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. She’s blonde. I haven’t seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also there’s a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil. 

TIME TBD

Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut. 

I don’t like waiting around. 

Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? There’s different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time. 

I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. I’m going to check on breakfast. 

8:30ish

breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird. 

Time-?

Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I don’t now if I want to be here. But also I don’t want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c I’m so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack. 

I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c I’m here but I’ve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everything’s ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down. 

With talking to them I finally feel like I’ve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when I’m up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out. 

I miss my parents. 

Time unknown

Honestly can’t remember what happened next. 

Social worker came in, she’s lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting. 

She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack. 

Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it. 

I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they haven’t. 

I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me they’re gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.

My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting. 

I think its around 1 pm. 

2pm

Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now I’m waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shauna’s old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk. 

I don’t know why I keep crying. I just feel like I’m going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless. 

Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor. 

My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe. 

~505

lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I don’t understand what my next move is. 

Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting. 

I think I’m allowed another pill. What’s the point? 

6:50 pm 

I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing since after dinner. I’ve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. I’ve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but she’s pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour. 

7 pm

officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if that’s going to help me sleep. They’re going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. I’m hoping they’ll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak. 

Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement. 

I want to say I feel better, but I don’t know. Its just all a blur. 

I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool. 

I don’t want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.

Double lasagna and biter left. 

* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA. 

New girl who I don’t know 

New guy Brandon- wears vans 

And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones. 

Bold move. 

Fake Abby and I are friends. I think she’s lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I can’t deal with that. 

Now I just kill time until mom gets here. 

930 ish?

Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I don’t need to worry about $ right now. 

I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!! 

Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great. 

Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But I’m ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And I’m gonna do it in god damn pen! 

Goals for tomorrow- 

- track when all meds taken

- get better at checking time 

8am

slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! I’m sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed. 

11am 

talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think I’ll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if I’m sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since they’ll change the time I get the abilify. I don’t know. Just very tired. 

1109

Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this. 

Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs. 

Newer girl is even scarier she’s very touchy. Seems like she doesn’t listen. 

singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop. 

Shirt is leaving today. 

New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singer’s hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild. 

1140

going to lay in bed until lunch. 

~12

slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke. 

I’m def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me. 

I think that’s the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. I’m thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now. 

I’m really just waiting to get something for my cough. 

215

just slept super hard

even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more

I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment. 

Couldn’t find macks mark so I left. 

Gonna go try to get more crossword 

255

just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower. 

Crazy Tad just said hi to me. 

New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, we’re watching that 70’s show. 

My shirt smells like Keenan. 

Also its almost snack! 

Hmmmmm 4? 

took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldn’t have wrapped myself in it. 

A little before 5

Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God I’m so fucking tired. 

I’m glad I’m writing everything down b/c its all such a blur. 

Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my phone. I don’t know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I don’t know!! 

I met my new nurse, DD, who said I’m taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh. 

Time to lay down. Again. 

I think I fell asleep again?

Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again. 

I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets. 

I think more than anything I’m really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down. 

Just want to stop crying. 

830 pm

calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious. 

844

Singer has 12 different personalities. 

About to go ask for my meds/follow up on what’s up w/ the nurse’s research 

9ish 

Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasn’t looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me. 

Thursday 

- if… because then 

- one day at a time 

9 am?

Had breakfast, found out I’m going home today. 

Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5 

2 more free meals! 

Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about it 

Nurse Nadine is so sweet. 

These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later. 

930

I’m going to get a watch 

I don’t like not always knowing the time 

That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room

 Don’t know her name 

But I don’t want to 

I’m getting out here short haired lady! And I’m pulling out to win! 

I’m getting sleepy, fuck 

I have like 8 hours to kill 

Soooo

Suddenly now that I know I’m getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normal 

Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted? 

She’s hot in that too, though.

Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy. 

925

group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it. 

Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad

Grabby girl wouldn’t share, she it nuts

But now miss congeniality is on!!

1055

cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wrote 

SCABZ

In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. I’m not even going to go into how that went. 

Update: grabby thinks I’m her mom 

My best gift:

The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldn’t. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who I’ve known since I was 9. 

~~~~ when the party is at it’s best, it’s time to leave the party ~~~~ 

- Tad’s ex-father-in-law

almost noon 

Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, “like the yin for your yang?” and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks I’m just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I haven’t gone back to sleep yet. 

Also, they said I could keep 19! 

I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles. 

After lunch 

Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth. 

There’s a new kid, he’s gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young. 

Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved. 

Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)

I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and I’m about to leave so I don’t think im getting it back. 

Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice. 

I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here. 

430

did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of don’t want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I don’t want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it. 

Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but that’s also prob just a sign that the meds are working. 

I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet. 

This isn’t to say he isn’t totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of “stuff” what the fuck. 

Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand. 

[canaryatlaw]

mmm. I have a lot of conflicting emotions about things right now. mostly nothing to actually do with today, just stuff that’s been floating around in my head and being exacerbated by not knowing what’s going to be my future. Like if it’s NY that’s going to be a whole new world I’ll have to adjust to, and even if I stay in Chi I have no idea what I’m going to do job wise. And everything being in flux like that just makes it so difficult to plan practically anything. And on top of that I just have so many messy emotions regarding friends and relationships and I’m trying to make sense of it all but my brain doesn’t work correctly because it’s actually depending on 3 different antidepressants to change the chemistry, so I can do more than literally just sleep all day like last summer. and antidepressants are great and I’m very thankful for them, but sometimes there are gaps, and things just don’t work right, or past experience makes you paranoid about certain behaviors and desperately trying to prevent the past from repeating itself while also trying very hard to not come off as clingy because I know that I can be very clingy and I really hate that. Trying to convince myself I’m not being purposefully excluded which I know in all rational thought I’m not, but my mind is not always rational and has such feelings anyway. Sigh. Anyway, that's enough rambling, I should actually talk about my day now. It was fine, pretty good. I woke at I want to say 10:22, and before I looked at the clock I thought it was much earlier than that, like 6 am but no it was later so I got up and had some breakfast, after which I got in the shower to continue the whole morning shower thing (and omg, my bangs looked so good all day, I’m so obsessed with them). My normal hair routine is to use shampoo every day, then every 3 days use the special color depositing conditioner I have, as recommended by my hair stylist to keep it from being oily, and it’s worked pretty well so far. I only brought the conditioner with me because shampoo is shampoo for the most part, and after I used the stuff they had here my hair had a very weird feeling to it, like hard and would like, make noises and shit if you pressed against it lol, so I took a very tiny amount of conditioner and worked it through my hair which seemed to help a lot. My mom, my uncle, and I ended up going to this giant mall not too far from them (my aunt was totally pooped from partying yesterday and just wanted to sleep). It was pretty cool, a really big place, so we mostly just walked around there for a bit and went in different stores. We got some lunch in the food court from a soup and salad place that I’m pretty sure has places in Chicago, I got the crab and corn chowder which was very good, there was a hint of spice but strangely enough it wasn’t the burn my tongue spice but more like I could just feel it in my mouth afterwards. Idk, it was weird. We took a look in Brookstone trying to find something for my dad being that father’s day is next weekend and his birthday is two days after that (both my mom and my dad have birthdays super close to mother’s day and father’s day respectively, which is very convenient tbh 😂) because he likes their kind of gadgets and such, but they didn’t really have much, just like, stuff for a grill, speakers, and a bunch of different massage centered products, so that was a bust. We ultimately ended up leaving without buying anything (which is honestly rather impressive) but we drove back and stopped at a Tim Horton’s on the way, because Michigan, I got a small white hot chocolate because of course I can’t have coffee, and we chilled out in there for a bit before going to the house. Upon arrival we all just chilled for a while, and eventually got around to the topic of dinner, there wasn’t much in way of options at the house since my aunt was down for the count, so we ended up getting chinese food that I ordered online and my uncle and mom went to go get. I’m finding that the term “lo mein” can have many different interpretations depending on where you are ordering it, because several times in Chicago I’ve had types that didn’t match the one I’m used to, and this was one of those as well. It was still pretty good though, and I ate rice and fortune cookies and all that good stuff. By the time we finished it was about 7:30, and we watched a little tv before switching over to the Tony Awards!!! Which I realize I did not liveblog on here at all lol, I had to make a decision if I wanted to live tweet it on my main internet peeps account or my IRL people’s account, and I ended up going with the latter because that’s where my actual theatre people were. Overall I thought it was pretty good, Josh Groban and Sara Bareilles were great hosts. This review is probably not going to be in chronological order of the show, just warning you now. When they honored the Parkland drama teacher for hiding SIXTY FIVE FUCKING CHILDREN in her office for two hours before the all clear was given, and of course she should be credited as many of the more outspoken student advocates from Parkland were in the drama program and credit it for giving them the means from which it express their opinions. man, I cried so damn much. And then they had them all sing, SING, ONSTAGE, AT THE TONYS, as high schoolers, man, that has got to be such a dream come true. The girl who had the Joanne solo towards the end of the song fucking KILLED IT, I was watching knowing she had the high note at the end and I’m just thinking please don’t crack please don’t crack and she didn’t, she fucking NAILED it in an incredible show of talent, like dude, that’s insane. So I enjoyed that part of it. It was interesting that Mean Girls performed so early on. I was wondering what song they were going to do, and I understand why they chose what they did as it featured most of the cast, but I also think it wasn’t the strongest song(s) in the show, so that wasn’t all that helpful. Taylor Louderman sounded either very nervous or sick, her voice was pretty shaky, but she pulled through. I fucking lost it at Karen, I knew just from listening to the OBCR that she was perfect for the role, and tonight just confirmed that, she was great. I wish my girl Janis got to do more (I had been thinking maybe they'd do Revenge Party) but at least she got in there. Other things, let’s see, I hadn't heard of The Band’s Visit until tonight, so I certainly wasn’t expecting them to largely sweep the awards, I guess the voters (or whoever determines the winners) were really feeling it. Not gonna lie, Hailey Kilgore from Once On This Island was fucking ROBBED for the leading actress Tony, she had a stellar performance and she totally deserved it. Loved their number as much as I did when I saw the show back in January. Frozen was interesting on a few different levels. I had been thinking about how they were going to split the musical into two acts, and how Let It Go might be too early in the story to make it the act one finale, but there’s no way in hell you’re going to get an act one finale that even holds a candle to it. So I looked it up and they ended up just making Let It Go their act one finale, probably a good choice. When I saw they were doing for the first time in forever I was like oh we’re gonna end up switching to Let It Go, they had to, so of course I was right and they did, and man, they nailed it so well. It was clear they had to get that scene exactly right if they wanted to be taken seriously as a show, and they managed to find an actress who can actually hit the notes on a level comparable to Idina Menzel, because if she didn't that’s all anyone would be talking about. But she fucking killed that song, made it her own, and even managed to hit an extra high note that was not in the movie score, I was really impressed and I might go see it honestly, I’m trying to think, I wasn't as engaged with the performances of shows I’m not terribly familiar with, Carousel had a great dance number but I didn’t get much else out of it. The Spongebob number was......something alright, I mean if nothing else he certainly did a great job embodying Squidward, so there’s that. I’m trying to think if I have anymore feedback but it’s 1 am here and my eyes really want to close so I’m gonna try to keep it short. The De Niro thing was fucking hilarious and I love that it happened. I am cautiously curious about the harry potter play, I know a lot of fans thought it was trash, but it did do fairly well awards wise so there might be some good in there. Alright, that’s the end of my day and that’s it for now, my eyes really want to be close so that is what I’m going to do. Goodnight my lovely friends, Good luck on your Monday.

[eldermillarmissionblog]

Service Week

Good afternoon everyone! :) Hope y'all have had a great week! 

Here are some updates on life in great Scottsdale, Arizona:

We had service literally everyday this week. We helped dig out a bunch of mud from a koi pond (pretty much just fish poop), helped two people move, dug up a bunch of weeds, painted some flower boxes, and teamed up with a food bank to help deliver food to those in need. It's been great to do so much service but our time to do study has been very limited…haha. 

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to give a talk in our Spanish branch. We were not given much notice so preparation time was limited, but I am grateful for the Spirit’s help in guiding my words. I love speaking in Spanish and I love the people. We had a pretty good amount of people at church, too, which was great to see. Even one of our friends, Antonio, was there! We were quite surprised because during our last couple visits he didn't seemed too interested, but he has been warming up over time. We are excited to keep teaching him. :)

Transfer news: 

We had interviews with our mission president this week and he gave us transfer leaks. I'll be staying here in the Camelback Dos branch and I will be getting a new companion. We still don't know some things, like where Elder Smith is getting transferred, who my new companion is, or if I will still be covering the English ward, but we will get all those details this Saturday night. I've learned a lot this transfer -- about myself, how to teach better, how to be more patient, and how to love more. I feel like I have learned what God intended me to learn these last 6 weeks and I am excited to carry this knowledge forward to this next companionship. I'll be honest, it has been a hard transfer, but that is what I needed to grow. My grandpa often says: "There is very little growth in your comfort zone, and there is very little comfort in your growth zone." I've seen the reality of this statement lately, and I'm grateful for it. I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and it hasn't been very comfortable, but that is just what I needed. :)

Spiritual thought:

For my spiritual thought today I want to start out by sharing a quote I really like from a 2015 General Conference talk by Elder Andersen. He says: 

Your faith will grow not by chance, but by choice. How we live our lives increases or diminishes our faith. Prayer, obedience, honesty, purity of thought and deed, and unselfishness increase faith. Without these, faith diminishes. Why did the Savior say to Peter, “I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not”? Because there is an adversary who delights in destroying our faith! Be relentless in protecting your faith.

I love this quote as it really shows the importance of us perpetually exercising and seeking to strengthen our faith each day.

As somewhat of an analogy: 

The strength of our faith and testimonies is not like a bank account. We cannot read our scriptures, say our prayers, etc., just for a few days or weeks and then assume we have put enough "spiritual dollars" in our bank account for now and stop doing those things. If we do that, when doubts or trials arise we will try to withdraw from that bank account only to find it empty. As Elder Andersen points put, our faith is either increasing or diminishing. There is no middle ground.

Brothers and sisters, I have seen too many people fall away from the church and lose their faith because they quit doing the simple things. If we will read the Book of Mormon every day, pray every day, attend church and partake of the sacrament every week, we can develop the faith and testimony to overcome ANYTHING! That doesn't mean life will be easy. In fact, it is often more difficult to do these things than to not. But it is worth it. Please read. Please pray. Please go to church. And do it consistently. Don't allow tiredness, lack of motivation, time, or work to impede you from doing these things. Have the faith to push forward and to what the Lord has asked us to do. I can promise you blessings of more peace and happiness in your personal lives and in the lives of your family; the ability to look at things from new perspectives and conquer your trials with the help of the Savior; perform better in every aspect of your lives (physically, academically, and with work); and most of all you will find the Savior. I promise that as a representative of the Lord, Jesus Christ. In His name, amen.

I love you all. You all are amazing. Stay happy and stay true! :)

Love, 

Elder Millar

Pic: me and Elder Orton (the legend)

[w1737087]

1st June

Sipped on mango juice through the night.

Up at around 9 from mother’s rigid voice and all her disputes with father.

Got up shut the door and shut the window. I could still hear her.

I finally placed multiple orders on ear buds..

Today she thinks dads out with a woman

I put on back to sleep playlist and later fell asleep. It was hard work, to fall asleep,

Dad called. I ignored it.

Kay called. I ignored it.

Up before 3pm and out of bed by 3

I cried before sleeping from all the frustration and triggering the sack of thoughts about my never ending tribulations and vast entrapment by mother.

Dreams? A little fucked up.

Shambolic scenarios being slammed in and out of one from another.

Killing bunnies?

Interrupted sex dream?

Other weird & hectic shit happened I cannot recall but I remember being sucked in by my pillows into some visions like a vacuum literally PULLING my face in. This happened twice and funny thing, I was in my mind REALISING it but also having the want to not... wake up because of it so I gave in again. It soon..was getting intense. Not scary but just hitting the red meter and I thought I’d burst and die and mentally I recited my shahada. Again, no fear, just intensity. Who dreams like this? For someone who dreams a lot this was something new I experienced.

When I woke all I concluded was that I really wanted to sleep. I hadn’t gotten enough and knew I wanted to get some more to meet the amount I should have gotten.

By 4pm completed the last mask sitting in the bed in my parents room.

Packed it up got ready. The little one tagged along. Dad came home and stormed back out. Mother has been fighting over the phone with him since the morning disrupting my sleep. I can hear her all day as I get on with my own day.

We went to post office to drop the mask sack off. Learnt what postage stamps are really for. A source of posting currency. Second band I sent it. Dad actually waited near the shops on the way there spontaneously, he called and we hopped in.

He took us McDonalds and we ate sitting in beckton car park. It was hot.

The little un wanted to return her books and I also needed to go to the high street.

We didn’t do either and I felt bad for not having taken her where I told her we’d go.

She also mentioned the zoo recently and I said a couple weeks time.

I’ve got to tell work I ain’t working my usual days then I’ll plan the zoo.

The car park is pretty empty. Around us boxed tarmac and in front upgraded stores.

Dads wearing a half sleeved shirt and

I wanted a fag as he had his.

I sat at the front, the little one at the back.

She talks about newspapers and her friends hand drawing being in today’s paper. She wanted to see. Dad only had dated ones.

I had one in my hands now and decided to do a crossword puzzle and a sudoku. I was really into the crossword as we arrived home.

We came home and through the journey dad talked about mother’s behaviour and she called a couple times and I didn’t like it. She is just so bothersome. Rightfully so but to witness it and know enough of what’s going on I’d without a doubt shove a muzzle on my mother for life and let my dad be. She would also be settled by this. Then I would be and that’s my main motive.

6pm

Tried to poop. Fail.

Eldest was in the shower. She was prompt.

Middle one wanted to go. I got out unbothered as i couldn’t go.

Came up

18:10

Lit up out the window.

My heart does that thing again.

Somethings deeply wrong. Inside of me I know for a fact there’s a riot, flaccid tears, somewhere along in the past couple weeks or further back I malfunctioned.

I don’t know if this is anxiety or not but I find myself alone and noticing my heart beating at an abnormal rate. It is everything but peace. I feel horrifyingly unsettled. I’ve got the essays I’ve got to write on my mind. It’s a factor in play as well as the wrecked sleep and I just feel so so insufferable these days. I can’t stop it, I try to be calm, I seem calm, I tell myself calm, I am so, but just as I am, I am entirely not all fine. Whatcwr this is I need it stop. My motner and her aura, ber behaviour which wrecks my sleep every morning as well as being underpaid at work and so many otber reasons. I cannot seem to stabilise myself correctly enough anymore. Everytime I want to yell at my parents it goes down mentally and when with them individually it’s to come out as I would be deemed crazy to blurt these issues out at the wrong times. At the right time it doesn’t work either. Either their good mood or their something is in the way. I’m doing so many things wrong and i just feel I’m in the middle of an identity crisis too. I don’t go to uni, I picture my desk and have no clue what’s there, I don’t go so label it as I can’t go, my baby sis is growing up and I haven’t been there, day by day I still feel I’m doing wrong by her, now that I’ve started work I’ve wasted time to better things with her. I don’t want to be here in this house and nobody will let me leave. I have no one to speak to because speaking to people is all that’s ever done, they hear they listen but they just don’t know the root of my problems and I am just beyond in need of help. How do I survive another year of this and manage to build the money and courage to move myself out of here, i don’t want grey hairs, if they show up I’ll know I’m damaging rn and I want to be settled if anything for now, for whatcwr this feeling inside of my chest is to mellow. It’s hectic between my rib cage there and my mind is swell. They are not in sync. I am not fine. Summer always had me feeling a type of way too. It’s a very very fine day and I want it but I feel once it comes around every year I’m not a part of it. Ever. It’s like it’s always for the world except for me. I cannot indulge in it enough to feel like it’s for me too.

The house is empty for now. Just us girls. Parents gone out to get some papers for the little one.

They may be back. I don’t know. I’m in my room holed up.

Mood today:

Absolutely off

Down

Unsettled, torn.

18:40 tbwy levaw. The sisters now. I’m all alone. It’s Such a rarity I don’t have time to pick what to do. Today’s agenda was to begin emailing Stewart and getting started on something to do with the essays.

I’m still dressed.

I cleaned up the powder that fell to the ground dispersing into a thousand pieces from my compact blush case.

I remember growing massively agitated over it as it was a fat mess and it fell like they always somehow accidentally do due to lack of space here and how I always always mentally be careful to not let them fall and they do anyway.AND I GET WO MAD

🆘

Recap

Been a busy day. Productive.

Moved extension cord back. Had to move alll my shoes and did rearrange them better seeing as the few at the bottom were damaging by the compression.

Tidied the messy tower of clothes on my chair.

Emptied the underwear drawers and distributed everyone’s own to their own rooms. Assigned the two empty drawers to the little one now. She needs the space.

Liphi went for her lip filler appointment today with Nam who didn’t wanna go with.

We FaceTimed later around 9:45 for a bit.

Her lips are bruised.

I cleaned the floor. Emptied the bin, enjoyed the brief empty house before bleaching and washing my shirts.

Shuffled some things around

Tidied the bedside table and some of the drawer, moved all the bundles of colour pencils and placed them in my art box under the bed, the drawer now has better space but still clogged as usual.

Opened a package which held my sports bras that I wanted more of after having one. They stabilise my breasts well.

The little one stayed by me as I cleaned my room. She was refolding her clothes all very neatly for their new place.

She went out with my parents when the house was empty to collect madrasah forms and tbwy went shopping at galleons. From H&M she bought a sky blue dress, trackies with hearts on them, pink sliders with cartoon slapped on and a pair of leggings.

Meals:

Macdonnas in the car with dad

Late night lasagne. 00:30

Ice cream from truck - sister bought after I sorted out everyone’s underwear with the little one in parents room. She sat in her car much of that hour.

Brain kicker

A nutty Lindt bar and I just ain’t taking care of my body anymore am I in terms of eating matter..

Notes

Sneezed 3 times

Thought about that bee lad at today.

Remembering to take my vitamins.

Killed my first mosquito tonight and seeing more than a couple. This means summer has officially kicked in.

Almost burnt the entire microwave down and could have blown a fuse. I placed my lasganve in and the wrapped food pack it was in caught fire immediately and I lunged at the push button.

Couldn’t blow the flames off as they were too great. Tossed it in the sink quickly and splashed water all over it which went everywhere too.

I was very alarmed. I don’t find myself in such situations that cause panic ever really.

Didn’t go to the Palestine protests as there were fights breaking out and harm occurring with the movement.

Humayra’s in the bathroom at midnight when I’ve already set my clothes in there and was ready to shower. I went back up for something and did an arm workout for 30 minutes or so including some rnr

I didn’t like that she was in there at this hour, why is it every time I need the bathroom she utilises it. I felt aggravated and those thoughts immediately crept in that I need out, I need my own place where I can get shit done without wasting these few minutes a couple hundred times a day of everyday due to others. It’s literally slowing my life down and she’s in the way of my kitchen and bathroom use, more so the latter this season.

So I showered, scrubbed my face, ears, in between toes and all and finally done with my day around 3am

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 170-171

August 28-29

So the story here is that I started writing a journal entry last night and realized I was becoming literally incoherent from falling asleep at the computer, so I went to bed. Luckily, it saved as a draft on my computer, so here is that draft, followed by today's entry:  "I am writing the journal very late this evening because I have been busy with Projects. Project one is, of course, the continuing weaning of the kittens. After a day and a half of introducing them to the idea of kitten food as food, I am now presenting it to them at mealtimes, stimulating them so their bellies are empty, and then leaving them with the food for half an hour before coming back with the bottle. They are very displeased with the lackadaisical service around this joint, but Robinton is already eating slurry and wet food very well, and Sebell pretty well. No appreciable progress from the girls but they are still gaining weight so that is good. 

Tonight's other project is my terribly illegal effort to acquire geolocked Canadian podcasts from the CBC. =O Way back in the day, I listened to a Sunday Edition series called 20 Pieces of Music That Changed the World. It was an awesome series, super interesting and explored a lot of types of music that I had never thought much about the wider societal impact of. Unfortunately, when I went back for a relisten, it had been geolocked because they played a lot of complete tracks of copyrighted music in order to examine and analyze them."

So that's pretty much what happened yesterday, or at least enough as to make no nevermind. I was so tired because I had stayed up nearly all night on Thursday between a virtual response Red Cross call and a fanfiction read-along for one of my favorite authors that unfortunately was in Pacific time. It led to a very sleepy day, but sometimes you just have to do something slightly unwise simply because it is fun and you haven't had enough fun lately. Plus I felt pretty smart about staying up so late when the Red Cross called at 2am and I was already awake and at my computer. Go me, so alert! 

Today was a generally good day in which not a lot happened. The kiddo has gotten two nights of good sleep after we decided that all electronics will spend the night in my room so as not to provide temptation in the wee small hours. He's also back on his lower-dose medication but it is obviously helping. Today he was able to play with Legos and concentrate on Minecraft, plus he also cleaned the bathroom for the first time in ages. (His bathroom and bedroom are worth quite a few internet points to keep clean, and are a good indicator of his general motivation level.) During Power Hour, we picked out a family-friendly Minecraft server from a list so that he could do some multiplayer Minecraft even though I can't get it to run on my computer. He really enjoyed himself a lot! 

For my own part, I spent a lot of today on the kittens, where weaning is proceeding at a fairly good pace, with two kittens doing great and two kittens extremely reluctant. I can live with this because Sebell and Robinton now require very little bottle at all, saving precious formula resources for the little girls. I'm halfway through the last of my Breeder's Edge formula after I got a number of extremely generous donations in May when I had Rosa and Jackie. That formula has lasted me through those two, the Gaang, and these four, so it went a long way but now it's nearly gone. I think I can probably beg some off the people at the spay/neuter clinic if I have to, but that might get complicated because they have a zillion kittens right now too. The further I can make my supply go, the better! I've got plenty of wet food though, so the boys can absolutely chow down on that to their fat little hearts' content. 

(And hey, if anybody would like to throw another can of formula my way, it's on my wishlist on Amazon, it's the Breeder's Edge Foster Care Formula. It's expensive as hell, but it works _so well._ You should see the poops on these guys!) 

I also made a small amount of progress on cleaning, though tomorrow's project is definitely going to have to be laundry. I got through several more episodes of illicit Canadian podcasts as well, very exciting! I also played a lot of mindless little app games and set a terrible example for my child, but we did stay in the house, safe and socially isolated. Good job, us! Got to talk to MIL on the phone a little and she is doing better, starting walking practice and eating much better than she did in the hospital. It's very good news! My husband reports that the neighbor kids have taken it upon themselves to pick Nana's blueberry bushes and bring him most of the proceeds, so he has something like eight pints of fresh blueberries to do something with. Not a bad problem to have, really! 

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I know that I've stopped talking about this publicly for a while but I figured I would update folks.

Continuing to eat regularly is hard. I don't quite feel like I'm constantly eating anymore, but it's not far off from that.

If I try to eat healthy foods, I tend to way undercut my calorie goals. Like by 500 calories or more. There just.....isn't that many calories in vegetables. Which sucks because if I could subsist off of tomatoes and berries and yogurt and chicken strips, I'd be way happier than trying to eat bagels and muffins and sandwiches.

I poop so fucking much. Like 2-3 times per day. It's so weird. I honestly think that the most distressing sign of how little I was eating is that I used to only poop every other day or so unless I was having severe gastro-intestinal problems.

Because I can now enjoy the act of pooping multiple times on a daily basis, I basically never crave Taco Bell anymore. This leads me to believe that the comedy bit about "you did if you don't shit and you die if you don't say you're not a Nazi" may have been into a strange truth about our digestive system.

Now that I'm filling my belly with food, staying hydrated has become a genuine problem. No amount of setting multiple bottles full of drinkables near me at work has improved this and at this point I'm not sure what I can do besides wait it out.

Eating enough is expensive and food goes bad so quickly.

I am still stuck at about 1800 calories and I have never felt so sane. I don't know how to describe what the difference feels like, but I no longer feel feral all the time. There was a solid two hours today where I was able to work on my projects and not feel distracted or unfocused or frantic or dissociated. I sleep regularly and well and wake up significantly more functional now. Once, I had enough energy to do some dishes, cook, walk the dog, and still go to the store, even though I'd already been at work for nine hours that day.

I shower and brush my teeth almost daily and I'm paying a little better attention to getting the house tidy.

The concept of fasting for Yom Kippur terrifies me. I don't think I can do it. I don't know how to explain this to anybody around me and I am scared to be asked why I chose not to. I still have not gone to the doctor even though I know I need to.

My weight is fluctuating so drastically. I'm seeing bloat-deflate cycles with a difference of four inches in my waist band, and that's not even touching on how voluminous my pants legs feel around my thighs these days.

I genuinely get less acne now. This is unexpected and a true blessing.

It has been 37 days since I had anything even remotely resembling a period. Around day 25 I took a pregnancy test that came back soundly negative. Since then, I have had unprotected sex a few times. I am afraid to know whether or not a new pregnancy test would return another negative result.

I am still so tired and psychologically damaged. My anxiety continues to be through the roof. The major difference appears to be in how present I am psychologically while it happens. I am both overjoyed and so fucking frustrated by this. Anxiety is ten times worse when you're actually there for it.

I am no where near at a sufficient, regular caloric intake rate. I am still 500 calories per day shy of a minimum healthy rate, and that's on a good day. There are days when I can still barely force myself through 800 calories. On those days, I inhale junk food and choke down muscle milk in a desperate attempt not to send my body on a metabolic roller coaster. It is disgusting and uncomfortable and I hate it.

I want to be better. Like....genuinely of my own volition give a shit about my own well being. This has literally never been true for me in my conscious memory. I wouldn't give this new feeling up for anything.

[distant-rose-archive-blog]

Emma Swan vs. The Bake Sale

Note: I don’t normally update two days in a row but this prompt was too good to pass up. imhookedonaswan on AO3 made a comment on one of the prior installments about Emma bringing store brought brownies to a baked sale with judgmental moms and I really couldn’t pass it up. It was just too brilliant for me to let slip through my fingers so I decided to write it. Anyway, thanks again @welllpthisishappening for always lending an ear and constantly reading blocks of text that I send your way. You’re amazing. Summary: Emma Swan is the Savior, the Sheriff of Storybrooke, a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother of five children. Her life is a bit hectic. God forbid, she bring store bought brownies to the youth football bake sale. Rating: T Word Count: 5,500+

Before she got married, Emma Swan admittedly thought about how her life would be if she survived the Final Battle. She had fantasized about an idyllic life where Killian and she only had to battle a monster once a week, would go to Henry’s track meets, eat dinner with her parents and have an absurd amounts of sex on a daily basis. She had imagined that she and Killian would have a few years to grow comfortable with each other before deciding whether or not they would have children. And even more admittedly, Emma had imagined that they would have one or maybe two kids, a boy and a girl preferably, and they would be beautiful, charming but respectful of their parents and wouldn’t get into too much trouble. (She always assumed that any child of theirs would have some mischief in them, but would be smart enough not to do something crazy like perhaps steal their grandfather’s sword and go swinging it around like it was a baton. Seriously.)

That was a fantasy though, and some deity up there on Mount Olympus had seen those fantasies and laughed their ass off because that was not the reality that Emma Swan was granted.

The reality was that Emma Swan and her family only ate with her parents twice a week, Henry had quit track during sophomore year to run the school newspaper and while she still had a healthy sex life, it was constantly interrupted by her four (yes, four, she was still uncertain how they had managed to get that number) small children who didn’t seem to understand the meaning of a closed door. Those same children, of course, were beautiful and charming, but they didn’t often understand the meaning of the word ‘respect’ and they seemed to get into trouble more often than they were out of it. Emma was now very familiar with the school principal, who seemed to have her on speed dial, and her family health insurance now covered absurd things like “falling off a roof” and “accidentally eating harmful paints” because apparently, she needed that. She’s pretty certain that the Emma Swan of eleven years ago would be terrified of the reality she had been given and would have gotten her tubes tied.

It wasn’t that Emma hated how her life had gone since the Final Battle had been won. She adored her life, her husband and her kids, but sometimes she just wanted a day off or at least a twenty-minute nap. That’s all she asked for. Well, maybe she also wanted for a clean kitchen too. And a magic proof cookie jar. And a vacuum that could actually pick up dog and cat hair. And a way to detect if a suspicious brown stain was chocolate or poop. Okay, she wanted a lot of things, but at the moment, she really, really, really wanted that nap and it was only nine in the morning.

“Sometimes I envy you. You have nothing to do except eat and sleep,” Emma whispered to her youngest son as she attempted to get him to eat the chopped strawberries she had prepared him for breakfast. At six months of age, Neddy was just starting to eat solid foods and he was showing himself to be just as fickle as his older siblings. “I would kill for either right now.”

“Bah,” Neddy replied in the same eloquent fashion of all babies who hadn’t learned to speak yet.

He batted Emma slightly on the nose was his strawberry coated fist and looking up at her with unblinking and impossibly blue eyes. Neddy’s eyes were nearly identical to Killian’s and Wes’s eyes and now that he had hit the sixth month mark, Emma was certain they would stay that way instead of going green like Harrison’s and Beth’s.

“Bah is right,” Emma agreed with a nod of her head, holding a strawberry up in front of his mouth in hopes he would take the bait. “You are a man of many words, Neddy Jones. A gentleman and a scholar. Now if only you would eat as well as you talk.”

“You know he can’t actually talk right?” Emma’s eight-year old son Wes called as he entered the kitchen. “Because he can’t. If you were expecting him to, then you might want to talk to a doctor.”

Emma sighed, rolling her eyes and turning to give Wes a very unimpressed look.

“When did you learn to become such a wise guy?” she asked, her voice sounding incredibly tired even to her own ears.

“Birth,” Wes replied, making a beeline to the cookie jar and putting his hand in to take one of the last remaining Girl Scout cookies in the house.

“That explains a lot,” Emma remarked before she realized what Wes was doing. “Hey! Put that cookie back, kid! It’s literally nine in the morning. House rules! No cookies before noon.”

“Dad had one this morning so I don’t know what house rules you’re talking about,” Wes replied defensively.

None of this surprised Emma; Wes arguing with her or her husband eating cookies at nine in the morning. Killian had a massive sweet tooth and an intense fondness for Girl Scout cookies. In fact, Emma had taken to hiding them to keep him for eating them all, especially the Tagalongs which were her favorite. Wes, on the other hand, seemed to want to argue and fight with them every step of the way and Emma was dreading his teenaged years, which were right around the corner.

“Your father is an adult and rules don’t apply to him,” Emma replied, still not impressed with his arguing skills. “You’re a child and you’re going to put that cookie back or so help me Westley Graham Jones, I will make you regret it.”

“Fine,” Wes muttered, putting the cookie back in the jar and giving her a dirty look.

He practically stomped his way over to the cupboard that held all of the cereal and Emma half the mind to tell him off for the attitude but she was still incredibly tired from Beth being sick all night and Neddy refusing to fall asleep and it just wasn’t worth it. If the kid wanted to be an ungrateful brat, then Emma would let him be an ungrateful brat.

“Is Henry coming to my game today?” Harrison asked, walking into the kitchen and looking at Emma with hopeful eyes.

He was dressed in football gear, looking bigger and older than his ten years, which was a good thing Emma supposed because her father had insisted he play for the U12 team instead of the U10 team so he and Neal could play together. Emma was almost certain that David wanted to groom her giant sweetheart of a kid into a Division One talent. The thought made her inwardly snort. It was a fool’s errand. The kid didn’t have a mean bone in his body.

“Not this time, kiddo,” Emma replied with a sympathetic smile. “He’s still in Seattle this weekend, but I’m sure he will try to make it next weekend. You know that he loves being there for you.”

“Oh okay,” Harrison mumbled, immediately wilting at the news and walking towards the counter with his shoulders slumped to get bread for toast.

It broke her heart that he was so upset about it. Her two oldest boys were incredibly close despite the rather large age gap. Henry was without a doubt Harrison’s hero and at times a source of confidence. Harrison always seemed to be less shy and surer of himself whenever Henry was around. Archie was currently working on a way to make Harrison less anxious without Henry, but so far it seemed to be a fruitless endeavor.

“Hey,” Emma placed her hand on Harrison’s shoulder pads. “Just because Henry isn’t there doesn’t mean you aren’t going to totally rock today. I bet you anything that Grandpa David is going put you on both the offensive and defensive line and if you get seven tackles, which you totally can, I will buy you ice cream. Pinky promise. Sound good?”

“You have strawberry on your nose,” Harrison mumbled, not really answering her.

Emma brought her hand up to her face and sure enough, she had mushed strawberry on her nose. She sighed and wiped it against her sleep-shirt. She didn’t want to add any dish rag to the dirty pile and she was going to put her shirt in the laundry later anyway.

“How come you don’t buy me any ice cream when I score goals in soccer?” Wes asked, still in a foul mood.

If there was anything that Emma had learned over the years, it was that parenting multiple children at the same time was hard; almost impossibly hard. Each child was different and needed a different style. Harrison needed constant encouragement and help with his self-esteem while Wes, who had no confidence issues to speak of and was nearly as wild as a Lost Boy, needed a firm hand to keep him from exploding up his own face. Beth also needed a firm tending to because she had a mischievous streak of her own, but seemed to work better under Killian’s handling than Emma’s. Neddy, who couldn’t walk or talk yet, thank the gods, was an unknown factor at this point. She was slightly hoping that he would become a mild-mannered nerd who didn’t need much handling at all.

Her kids didn’t necessarily seem to get that they were different and needed to be treated differenlyt. It wasn’t uncommon for them, namely Wes, to complain or imply that there was favoritism towards certain members of the family over others. It often made Emma want to scream.

“Well, if you score three goals, then I will buy you ice cream too, okay?” Emma replied in the most patient tone she could muster at the moment.

“Two goals, not three,” Wes countered.

“This isn’t a negotiation, kid. Hat trick or nothing,” Emma said firmly.

“Bah!” Neddy cried, picking up the leftover strawberries in front of him and tossing them across the table, which Emma had just cleaned not even twenty minutes ago. It seemed her youngest was feeling a little left out of the conversation.

Emma sighed and closed her eyes, quietly counting to ten to keep from screaming. This was her happy ending. Her life was great. She had wonderful husband and children that sometimes acted like normal human beings. This was a tiny bump in the road compared to dealing with curses, evil witches, psychotic villains and the sort. Or at least that’s what she kept telling herself.

Just as Emma was starting to calm down, her husband’s voice cut sharply through the kitchen.

“I don’t think so, Westley Graham Jones. Put the cookie back in the jar.”

Emma opened her eyes to see Killian standing by the doorway with a pale looking Beth on his hip. He was glaring at their son, looking nearly as exhausted as Emma. The son in question looked guilty as hell, hand outstretched. There was no cookie in his hand, but there was one levitating in the air not too far from his fingers.

“You got to be kidding me?” Emma exclaimed in exasperation, bringing her hand up to her forehead before it ran back through her hair. “Kid! I told you like five minutes ago, no cookies before noon!”

Emma snapped her fingers and the cookie disappeared, returning back to its home in the cookie jar. Wes pouted, not even looking remotely sorry, which really got on Emma’s nerves because he had deliberately disobeyed her.

“But Dad ate a cookie this morning!” He repeated his earlier argument. “I saw him!”

“Westley, did you buy the cookies?” Killian asked in a tired tone.

“No.” Wes answered sourly.

“Are you above the age of eighteen?” Killian continued.

“No.”

“Do you pay taxes for this house or anything in this house?”

“No.”

“Then you don’t get make any decisions in regard to cookie eating,” Killian concluded, giving him a firm look while also running his fingers down Beth’s back. “In fact, because I can say ‘yes’ to all of those questions, I’m going to make a cookie eating decision now. And you’re not getting any for the rest of the weekend.”

“For real?” Wes asked, looking very dismayed.

“For real,” Killian confirmed, looking like he really wanted to roll his eyes. He then turned his attention to their daughter who was still resting on his hip. “Think you’re ready to come down, love?”

“Yeah.” Beth’s voice is a bit on scratchy side, but she climbed down from Killian’s side with ease.

Killian placed his hand on Beth’s forehead for a moment, frowning to himself before allowing his fingers to make their way through her long dark hair. He looked a pinch concerned and Emma could only assume that her fever was still running high.

“You’re still warm, Minnow, are you sure that you’re feeling alright?” Killian asked gently.

“I’m good,” Beth mumbled, leaning into his touch. “Pirate queens can’t be sick. You said so yourself.”

“They can if they’re only six-years old and have been throwing up all night. I don’t want you making yourself worse. Can’t run a crew if you’re running yourself ragged,” Killian replied, leaning down to plant a kiss on Beth’s forehead.

“I’m tough,” Beth said stubbornly, puffing out her chest and standing a little taller as if that pose would somehow convince her father that she was, indeed, tough.

Of course, Beth didn’t realize that Killian already thought she was the toughest bean in the world and had proven so when she was only two. Emma wasn’t ever going to forget how Beth had hit her head against a ceiling fan when she had been on Killian’s shoulders and how they had rushed her to the emergency room to get stitches. Instead of crying when the doctor had been sticking the needle into her skin, she had growled at him. Emma remembered vividly Killian’s look of disbelief and laughter when he realized their toddler was more pissed off than scared about getting stitches on her face. “That’s a tough lass,” he had commented, pride filling his voice rather than guilt.

“I know,” Killian responded while placing another kiss on Beth’s forehead, looking straight at Emma rather than at their daughter. And for a moment, Emma was positive he too was recalling the stitches incident as well.

“Hey Mom,” Harrison called suddenly, standing in front of the open refrigerator and frowning. “Did you make brownies for the bake sale today? Because I don’t see them.”

“What?” Emma frowned, a fusion of confusion and panic running through her.  Bake sale? What bake sale? What was he talking about?

“You know, the bake sale that the moms are running today to help raise money to buy new uniforms for the team,” Harrison explained, looking just as panicked as she felt. “You said you would make brownies for it.”

“I did?” Emma asked, closing her eyes and hoping that this was some elaborate prank that Harrison was uncharacteristically playing on her.

“You did,” Harrison replied solemnly. “Did you forget?”

“Fuck…” Emma muttered and she dropped her head gently against the table. The game was in an hour and a half. She had absolutely no time to get dressed and make herself look like presentable human being as well as make brownies and bring Harrison to the game on time. She was the Savior, not Wonder Woman. (Though she kinda doubted that even Wonder Woman could do the same in a time crunch with four children.)

Neddy giggled next to her, flinging more strawberries about. One landed on the back of Emma’s neck and she suddenly realized that she dropped the mother of all swears in front of her impressionable six-month old child who would probably say his first word at any moment

“Shit,” she exclaimed, raising her head from the table. Her whole body twitched as the strawberries slide down her neck into the back of her shirt. She pointed a finger in Neddy’s direction. “Don’t repeat anything Mommy says. Your grandmother would kill me if your first word was a swear.”

Warmth spread through Emma’s shoulder and she glanced to see her husband had placed his hand there. As her eyes met his, his hand gave a gentle squeeze.

“Would you like me to drop by the store and buy something while you get dressed, love?” he asked gently.

“Could you? I mean you’re not really dressed yourself, but if you could, you would be the best because if I don’t bring those brownies, I will never hear the end of it from Aurora and the others on the Parent Association,” Emma said, smiling at him.

“If that’s what you desire, it will be my pleasure. I’ll just throw on some actual trousers and I’ll take Beth and Wes with me to the store,” Killian replied, dropping a quick kiss on her lips.

“Thank you. You’re my savior,” she replied, incredibly grateful to have him.

“I believe that’s your title, love,” he said, the corners of his eyes crinkling a bit as his thumb brushed against her cheek. “But I’m always happy to be the Savior’s savior.”

“Why do I have to go?” Wes frowned, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms in front of his chest. He looked the epitome of displeasure and once more, Emma was dreading his teenage years.

“Honestly?” Killian arched an eyebrow at their son. “Because I don’t trust you alone with those cookies and we’re on the last box of Tagalongs. Your mother needs to get dressed and she can’t watch you and keep you from taking them, you little thief.”

“I thought the preferred term was pirate,” Wes retorted.

“It is,” Killian agreed, the corners of his lips twitching. “But regardless of terms, I don’t trust you with the cookies alone and my word is final. You’re coming with us.”

Killian practically dragged Wes by the back of his shirt as they headed out the door with Beth walking slowly behind them. Emma frowned as she watched her daughter follow them without her usual enthusiasm. Regardless of what Beth said, she was certain that her daughter was still pretty sick and was only pretending to be okay. Emma sighed and picked up Neddy.

“Come on, you,” she said gently, giving the boy a kiss on top of his mop of black curls. “Let’s get you and me clean and dressed so we can watch your brother decimate kids that are two years older than him.”

It took Emma a record twenty minutes to get herself and Neddy bathed and dressed. By the time she returned downstairs, Killian was waiting for her with two tins of brownies that Emma recognized as coming from the bakery section of the grocery store. She smiled, glad that he had gotten those over Wes’s preferred zebra cakes.

“The crew is all buckled in the car waiting for us. Do you want plate these so they don’t look like you just bought them?” Killian asked, grabbing their son out of her hands and bouncing him. Neddy let out a squeal of delight.

“No. I’m not going to lie to them. There’s no point in it. Destinee McRae or whatever her name is will know they’re store bought from a mile away and I’ll never hear the end of it,” Emma sighed, picking them and gesturing with her head for them to go to the car.

When they arrived at the field, Harrison immediately broke into a sprint, muttering something about being late and coaches that were going to kill him. Killian looked down at his watch and frowned.

“The game doesn’t start for another ten minutes and he only missed a few seconds of the warm up and Dave is the coach. What in blazes is he going off about?” he asked, a bit confused.

“This is Harrison we’re calling about,” Emma said with a sigh as she adjusted her hold on Neddy. “He freaks out when we’re less than fifteen minutes early to a dental appointment. He likes to be early in case something happens.”

Killian gave her a look like he wanted to say more on the subject but didn’t want to say it in front of their other children. Emma understood the sentiment. She looked around for the bake sale stand, hoping against hope that none of the really anal mothers were manning it.

When she spotted the stand she breathed a sigh of relief when she saw it was only Ashley Boyd who seemed to be running it. Ashley was probably the most manageable and sensible out of the other mothers, which meant there would be very little cajoling over the brownies. However, at the same time, Emma was a bit confused. Ashley had two children now, Alexandra and little Thomas, but Thomas was only seven years old; nowhere near old enough to be playing in a U12 football game. Emma frowned.

“Everything alright, love?” Killian asked, noting her expression.

“Yeah,” Emma replied faintly. “Yeah. Everything is fine. Why don’t you go find my mother and the little ones and go sit with them. I’m just going to drop these brownies off and wash my hands of this.”

“You sure you don’t want me go with you and fight off the judgmental harpies?”

Emma couldn’t help but laugh a bit at his very adept description of the Parent Association mothers.

“No need. It’s just Ashley,” she said, giving him a quick kiss. “I shouldn’t be long.”

“If you say so,” Killian responded, smiling a bit. “But if any of those surly ladies show up and try to pick a fight with you again, just remember you’re the Savior and you’re taken on more fierce foes than them. Their nattering is nothing but bored and jealous chatter.”

Emma made another amused noise in the back of her throat.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” she chuckled.

“Would you like me to take Ned?” Killian asked, gesturing to their youngest, who was sitting on Emma’s hip and focusing on the teething ring in his mouth.

“Nah,” Emma replied. “I’ll keep Bug with me. He makes for a good distraction if the ‘harpies’ show up.”

“As you wish.” Killian bent down to give her one last quick kiss. “Good luck and raise hell if you need to.”

Ashley’s eyes lit up as Emma approached with both the brownies and Neddy. It became clearly very quickly that Ashley was more excited to see Emma’s son than either herself or the brownies.

“Is that Bug?” Ashley asked in an very enthusiastic tone.

Emma laughed.

“It is,” she said. “And I’ve got some brownies for the bake sale. I forgot about the bake sale so they’re store bought. I hope you can forgive me.”

“Brownies are brownies. The kids aren’t going to care. It’s all good,” Ashley dismissed with a wave of her hand as she came closer. “Hey there, Handsome! Can I get a cuddle?”

“You may,” Emma laughed placing the brownies down on the table and handing her son off to Ashley. “He loves giving cuddles to his favorite daycare teacher.”

Ashley held Neddy close to her, smiling and running her finger down his cheek. Neddy gave her a smile around his teething ring, nuzzling his head into the crook of Ashley’s neck.

“I will never get over how much of a monster cuddler he is,” Ashley said with a smile, running a hand up and down Neddy’s back. “He’s such a sweetheart. He’s a joy to look after. He almost makes me want another. Almost.”

“Yeah. I got lucky,” Emma agreed. “He’s a good boy. I wish he would stay like that forever. They get less cute and more complicated once they can walk and talk. They’re always easiest at this age.”

“Do you hear that, Bug?” Ashley laughed, looking down at Neddy. “Mom doesn’t want you to grow up!”

“You call your son Bug?”

Ashley and Emma turned to see Aurora approach them with a look of pure judgment on her face. Emma internally sighed. Aurora was exactly the last person she wanted to run into.

If there was anything that Emma hated more than dealing with immature, screaming children, it was immature parents. In fact, parents normally held the persona-non-grata spot on Emma’s tolerance list. Aurora had never given much of an issue to Emma before. They were never close, but they weren’t enemies. At least, they weren’t until Emma’s son Harrison joined the U12 football team and Aurora threw a great big stink about Harrison’s age and how he should be playing at “his proper level.” Emma was more than convinced it had something to do with the fact Aurora’s son played the same position as Harrison on the defensive line. On top of that, Aurora was near militant about food and Emma was pretty sure she could recite little Philip’s allergies in her sleep.

“It’s just a nickname,” Emma said, taking her son back from Ashley and holding him a tad protectively.

“Yeah. They call him that because he’s got these killer big blue eyes,” Ashley exclaimed, still focusing all of her energy on Neddy. “And the fact he likes to be snug like a bug in a rug. He’s a cutie pie.”

“Ashley’s right,” Emma chuckled, slightly amused that Ashley was aware of their nicknaming tendencies. It didn’t necessarily surprise her however. Emma had put all of her children save Henry through Ashley’s daycare. She knew her kids as well as anyone.

“Interesting,” Aurora replied, sounding like she wasn’t interested at all. “Did you bring the brownies, Emma?”

“Yeah…” Emma replied, somewhat confused. “I thought that Ashley was running the stand though…”

“Oh no, I’m not,” Ashley clarified. “I’m here because Alexandra is cheerleading for the game. I was just holding down the fort until Aurora came back from the bathroom.”

“Gotcha,” Emma said with a nod, feeling a little dismayed. She really liked Ashley and she tended to be a bit more reasonable than Aurora.

“Emma, are these store bought?!” Aurora asked, looking positively scandalized.

Emma closed her eyes briefly for a moment. This had been exactly what she had been expecting when she arrived at the field. It was half the reason she brought Neddy with her to the bake sale stand. It wasn’t so much of a distraction for the other mothers as much as it was a shield for them. Emma Swan couldn’t knock someone’s lights out if she had a baby on her arms.

“Yes, Aurora,” she said calmly. “They’re store bought. I just didn’t have enough time to make some and I didn’t want to come empty handed so I had Killian buy some.”

“Emma, you’ve known about this bake sale for weeks. I sent an email almost weekly about this. Don’t say you didn’t have enough time. I told you sent you an email on Monday.”

“Aurora, I have four small children,” Emma responded, not willing to take the Princess’s chastisements. “Neddy is teething and Beth has been sick for the past few days. Plus I had to arrest three Vikings this week for diner dashing on Granny and I had to get my car fixed since Henry wrecked it last time he was here. Forgive me if I’ve had more stressing matters on my mind than a bake sale.”

Emma’s explanations seemed to fall on deaf ears however because Aurora was still glaring murderously at the brownies, still in their packaging, on the bake sale table.

“Whatever. It’s bad enough that you brought processed brownies. Who feeds their kids these? Are these even sugar free? Gluten free? Nut free? Vegan friendly?” Aurora asked, rounding Emma with her hands on her hips.

“Store bought brownies are fine. My kids eat them all the time and I promise you that they haven’t died yet,” Emma replied, barely holding back an eye roll.

She was pretty sure Aurora would have a fit and call child services if she revealed Wes’s love for Little Debbies and Zebra Cakes. “And I have honestly no clue. Killian bought them while I was in the shower.”

“Great,” Aurora replied with a huff. “Great. Now I’m going to have to label them so everyone knows that they’re not friendly brownies.”

“Not friendly brownies?” Emma stared at her in disbelief. “They’re regular run of the mill brownies, Aurora. It’s not like they’re nuclear or something.”

“No, but kids like my son can’t eat them!” Aurora hissed through clenched teeth. “Kids who have celiac disease or who are allergic to nuts cannot have these brownies. They could die, Emma! That’s why everything is labeled! At least tell me you have a pen so I can write all of this stuff down.”

Emma glanced down on the table and sure enough every single food item was labelled. Nearly everything on the table was vegan, gluten-free, sugar free and made with products that were free of GMOs. She honestly didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. It seemed like children with all dietary diseases and allergies had a variety of choices, though they didn’t look necessarily appetizing.

“I have a pen in my car, Aurora,” Ashley said with a slightly awkward smile. “I will go get it for you.”

Emma nearly screamed at Ashley with her eyes not to leave her alone with Aurora but Ashley merely gave her an apologetic smile and a final ruffle to Neddy’s hair before sprinting off to go to her car.

“Look, Aurora, I’m sorry that I brought store bought brownies and that your son can’t eat them, but like I said, I genuinely forgot and didn’t want to come empty-handed.”

“I honestly would have preferred if you came empty-handed, Emma. My son is going to see these brownies and he’s going to want one and he can’t. I thought having a mini circus like you do would make you more sympathetic to the dangers of food allergies.”

Emma’s jaw clenched. A mini circus? She wanted nothing more than to punch her in the face, but thankfully for Aurora, Neddy was nestled against her chest and she loathed more than anything to put him down.

“None of my kids have food allergies and just because you’re frustrated with me that doesn’t mean you can insult my kids,” Emma replied tersely.

“Please,” Aurora sniffed. “People have said worse.”

That was it. Emma was done. She wasn’t going to stand here and get chastised by a woman who had hired an nanny to look after her only child. She couldn’t punch her in the face like she wanted to, but that didn’t mean she had to stick around.

“You know what?” Emma said lightly, adjusting her grip on Neddy. She perched him a bit higher so that his wild curls tickled the bottom of her chin. “I did what was asked. I brought brownies. I don’t have to stand here and help you. In fact, I’m going to sit with my husband and watch my son start over yours despite the fact he’s only ten. Have a nice day.”

Aurora’s jaw dropped at Emma’s words and she looked like she wanted to say something but Emma didn’t wait for her. She spun on her heel and went to go find Killian.

When Emma finally found her husband, her mother and their kids, the game was already seven minutes into the first quarter. Wes and her younger siblings were nowhere to be found but Beth was laying across Mary Margaret with her head in Killian’s lap, looking positively miserable. Killian was running his fingers through Beth’s hair, watching the game.When he finally noticed Emma approaching, he offered her a smile.

“Still sick, Little Beth?” Emma asked her daughter as she approached.

Beth made a mumbling sound before burying her face in Killian’s stomach.

“She’s still a little under the weather but she’s enduring as always. Hello, love. You were gone for awhile,” Killian commented.

Emma sat next to him, giving him a quick kiss before responding.

“Apparently it’s the end of the world if baked goods aren’t vegan, gluten-free, nut-free and sugar-free,” Emma informed him. “How’s Har Bear doing?”

“He’s going well. He has two tackles already,” Killian reported. “Neal is also doing well. He got himself a touchdown. Your brother is quite fast.”

“The touchdown is expected. I mean, I’ve seen how fast that kid is when he’s going a naked yard dash away from my father but Harrison has two tackles? You sure it was our kid?” Emma asked in disbelief.

“Of course. He immediately picked up the other boys and brushed them off, making sure they were okay,” Killian responded with some amusement. “What’s this about vegan and all of those free-somethings?”

“Okay, yeah tfhat definitely Harrison,” Emma laughed. “And I know. Apparently you can’t just sell regular baked goods at a bake sale. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“I see. Well then, fancy a wager, Swan?” Killian asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I’m all ears,” Emma responded, burying her face in Neddy’s hair and watching her husband’s amused expression.

“I bet you anything, including the Jolly Roger, that those brownies will be sold out before anything else on that table,” Killian stated with a grin.

“Oh, that’s a given. Only a fool would bet against that.”

Sure enough at the end of the game, they walked past the bake sale where Aurora was doing her best to sell off vegan cookies that had apparently been made with apple sauce. Only one brownie from the store bought batch remained and Emma smiled to herself as she watched a child buy the last one.

[queennicoleinboots]

Day 7 of Xara and Peter's "Curse"

A/N: Unedited

Xara's smartphone refused to stop playing Irish Rock. It played steadily for 15 minutes before Xara answered the phone. Joebear was growling at the phone.

"Fuck you, too! What the FUCK IS THIS E-mail?!!!!!" Peter W. Parker screamed over the phone.

"Hello... that E-mail mentioned appointments and beatings. Why are you screaming at me?" Xara asked sleepily. She was incoherent and grumpy.

"Because I can't fucking wait until Wednesday! My mother is sick and can't cook. And because YOU, you fucking bitch, cursed me, I can't fucking cook, either!!!!" Peter yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Couldn't you order out?" Xara said as she yawned.

"No! I tried that! The food ends up all fucked up. Why the fuck did you do this to me?!" Peter yelled as something slammed in the background.

Joebear growled, rolled over, and went to sleep.

"I didn't mean to! It happened because I can't handle stress. I'm sorry, Peter," Xara said as she got out of bed and went to get coffee. She was cursed. Waking up to anyone, much less Peter W. Parker, screaming at her over the phone was the worst possible way to wake up.

"Neither can I! I can't stand the taste of food anymore. I can deal with peanut butter and bananas, but that's about it! Why the fuck am I cursed?!" Peter screamed as he was beating his fist against a table.

"Because you were tainted with my poop. Sorry," Xara said as she was heating a cup of coffee for herself.

"Oh Jesus. That makes sense. Goddammit. I have had fuck luck all my life, but this is unreal!" Peter said as he put his head in his hand while holding his black flip phone tightly against his considerably small head.

"True," Xara said before she heard the microwave beep at her. She took the coffee out of the microwave, sat down, and had a sip. "I legitimately did not mean to do this to us."

"Well, it happened. Please talk to the Giant NOW and make an appointment TODAY!!!!" Peter yelled before he snarled. "If I have to look at another jar of peanut butter, I'm going to turn into an ape!"

"Okay, Peter. Jesus. It's too early for this shit, Peter!" Xara said as she drank her coffee.

"Fuck you. You're not the one with fucked-up taste buds. Call him NOW, or I will (or won't) disable your already malfunctioning BRAIN!!!" Peter yelled.

"Yes, Pete," Xara said as she stole Peter Parker's trademark sigh.

"Good. Bye," Peter said as he slammed the parts of his flip phone together. Peter then took a paint mixing stick and started beating the table until it broke.

When the phone had hung up, Xara said while singing to DarkSydePhineas's remix "Megaman's an A-Hole," "He's a fucking ass. He's a fucking ass." She continued to drink her coffee before she called The Giant. "Fuck me."

The Giant answered the phone with a bellowing voice. "What the fuck do you want?!"

"A lot of things, actually, but my main priority is magic spices. I can't wait until Wednesday. I have an important dinner coming up and need them TODAY! It just kind of sprung up. May I have some, please?" Xara asked.

"I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ANY! My supplier is late on his delivery, goddammit! I used it all on Saturday!" the Giant yelled over the phone.

"Are you fucking serious?!" Xara asked with an exasperated sigh.

"YES I'M FUCKING SERIOUS!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?!" the Giant screamed.

"I don't know, dude. I'm just fucked right now! I have this big dinner, and I can't cook because I'm fucking cursed," Xara said.

"Goddamn right you are. Your shit's affecting me. Instead of going about our scheduled meeting, I have to go find this leprechaun and beat the shit out of him until I get the magic spices! Jesus God!" the Giant said. "Because that's what the fuck I want to do. Leave my lair in the sky and hunt jackasses. This is bullshit."

"Dude, I understand. I don't want to deal with this shit, either," Xara said. "Damn."

"But I have to for the sake of magical sanity. See you next week! I am cancelling all my appointments," the Giant said.

"See you next week," Xara said.

The Giant hung up the phone and threw it clear out of the window on the other side of where he was. The phone landed on some other poor fuck's roof, probably the Keebler Elf's roof again.

"Jesus Christ!" Can I make love to a woman without hearing some bullshit hit my roof?" asked the Keebler Elf who was only wearing his green elf cap while his butt was sticking out of the sheets. He was on top of Lady Smurf.

When the phone was hung up, Xara shuddered and took a deep breath. "Peter is going to go ape shit," she said to herself as she dialed his number.

"So, did you get that appointment today?" Peter asked with a goofy smile on his face.

"Um. No. Not only that, but he cancelled everything this week. He's on a hunt," Xara answered.

"Oh what an asshole!" Peter yelled as he threw his hands in the air.

"Well, Peter, he ran out of magic spices, and his supplier is late on the delivery," Xara said as she put her head in her left hand.

"Oh what an asshoooooole!" Peter sung.

"Yeah, it's bullshit," Xara said.

"You're an asshole," Peter said flatly.

"I know. I'm sorry... We'll have to be patient and deal with this curse," Xara said.

"Yep... but until then, I'm going to go outside and go ape shit," Peter said as he spoke through clenched teeth.

"You go do that. I'm going to go get ready to *not* deal with your bullshit," Xara said.

"Thank you. I want to massacre you," Peter said darkly.

"I know," Xara said.

"See ya," Peter said.

"See ya," Xara said.

Peter slammed the two parts of his phone together. "I'm surprised this phone isn't broken yet," Peter said. As soon as he opened his mouth, the phone broke in pieces. Peter just stared at the remnants of his once-proud flip phone with his jaw dropped. "Yep. I'm going ape shit now."

At that moment, Peter stood up and starting beating on his chest rapidly with both fists while jumping up and down like a literal ape. He was making ape noises similar to when his novels done turn. Out the way he wants them.

When Peter was a normal human being, he was a writer, actor, artist, and drywall finisher. But when he was acting like an ape, well... under Xara's curse, he was literally transforming into an ape.

His hands and feet were growing even bigger and more muscular than they already were. His nails were becoming thicker, and his brown curls were getting thicker and longer. His teeth were growing inside of his mouth, which was also growing with a full set of pink lips to boot. Speaking of teeth, Peter now had a massive underbite with one large saber tooth at each bottom corner of his mouth.

In fact, his whole head and torso (and dare we say his penis, testicles, and ass) were becoming encased with a large amount of muscle density.

His radiant green eyes grew in proportion to his now large head, which meant his glasses broke off of his face. The only thing that remained somewhat small despite his new proportions was his pug nose.

His legs were now muscular and even longer than they were before. He used to be 7'4," but now he was "8'6" even with his back curving like an ape's would. His arms were also elongated and muscular like a typical ape's arms.

A side effect of his transformation was that he outgrew all of his clothes and was completely naked. Luckily, he grew a bunch of hair where apes normally have hair, so his man junk wasn't too obvious for people to see.

The clothes he was wearing were torn in shreds and were lying in a pile on his screened-in back porch.

Peter looked down and freaked out. "Holy Shit! I'm actually an ape!" he screamed. Then he smiled and shrugged. "But at least I have an excuse to only like bananas now."

His mother, Godiva, walked over slowly and hunched over because her back was killing her to see what the commotion was outside.

Peter was worried that she would freak out, so he tried to hide.

"Peter? Where are you?" she asked as she looked for him.

"You sure you want to know?" he asked with a deeper voice than usual.

His deeper voice subconsciously made her smile and bat her blue eyes. "Absolutely," she said a bit more seductively than she should have.

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you," Peter said with his deeper voice.

She really wanted to find her son then, and maybe plant kisses on him when she does. "Okay," she said with a giggle.

Peter emerged from his hiding place to greet his mother. "Hi, Mom," he said in his deeper voice.

She stood there dumbfounded and with butterflies in her stomach. She breathed heavily and stared at him softly, "Oh wow...." Something about his ape form really mesmerized her.

"Yeah, ummm... I don't really know how to explain this," he said with a booming laugh.

She laughed as well. "I didn't ask you to," she said as she walked up to him with a better posture than she was able to maintain all day. She had forgotten all about her achy back when she saw him.

"Good... because I have no idea how it happened..." he said with an awkward smile.

His awkward smile really drove her wild. If he weren't over three feet taller than she was, she would have totally kissed him right then. She came closer to him and touched his right arm. "I still love you no matter what you are," she said as she looked deeply into his eyes.

"Thanks, Mom," Peter said as he hugged her.

Godiva leaned into his hug and rubbed along his sides. Peter pet his mother's head softly.

"Do you still like your back scratched?" she asked as she was trying to hug around him. Her body was tightly wrapped against Peter's.

"Yeah, but I feel bad asking for it from you, considering all you do for Dad," Peter said as he looked into her blue eyes that were behind leopard-print glasses.

Peter's father was Jamie Parker, a 84-year-old retired man who still wished he could work. He installed drywall for a living and generally worked out of Atlanta, GA. He typically worked 80 hours a week when he was working.

Jamie made a nice life for his family and made it possible for Peter to be slightly spoiled. Generally, Jamie was a nice guy, but he had a disconnect from his artsy and feminine son. He was definitely fond of Peter, but being a conservative Republican fundamental Christian, he struggled to understand his liberal Democratic agnostic son. Truth be told, Jamie made more attempts to connect with Peter than Peter did with his father.

Unfortunately, about 16 years ago, Jamie fell out of bed and broke his right hip. He was now bound to a wheel chair and could barely do anything for himself. His wife now takes care of him full-time.

Godiva started scratching Peter softly. "Peter, you're my son. I'd do anything for you." she said softly as her delicate hands moved up and down his back. "Besides, I love scratching your back." She kissed his chest. The taste of his gorilla scent was driving her wild.

"Oh well... I wouldn't want to take any attention away from Dad... in his delicate situation and everything," Peter said as he rubbed her back softly with just his right hand.

"Oh please do!" Godiva said as she continued to scratch his back. She could feel herself start to feel younger when she was touching him.

She was transforming into her younger self. Her hair was turning from gray, short, and straight to brown, curly, and long. Her skin was becoming more vibrant. Her back became straighter, and her clothes were fitting around her newfound curves in flattering ways. Her blue eyes were becoming more vibrant and her lips a more pure pink. Her nose was pointier just like she was when she was 54 years old.

Peter looked down at his mother, and his jaw dropped awkwardly.

Godiva was a bombshell in her younger days. Her 36B-cup breasts complimented her perfect hour glass waist and hips that were the same circumference. Her floral top brought attention to her chest and her pull-on jeans hugged her waist tightly.

"Maybe I might have to take your attention away from him after all," he said with a big smile as he fingered one of her curly strands and looked her straight in her bright blue eyes.

[farsfromhome]

Hi I was tagged in a lot of ask tags so I'm gonna do them all in one go! Thank you @spideypooly @underose @babyparker Name: Amanda 
Star sign: Pisces 
Height: 5'6
Average hours of sleep: 6-8 it depends
Lucky number: 8
Last thing I googled: lemme go check. Okay it was to get a hex code from an image for my mobile layout lmao.
Number of blankets I sleep with: just one
Favorite fictional characters: ok I have a lot. Peter Parker, Luke Skywalker, Finn, Kamala, & Katniss Everdeen
Favorite Novel: catching fire in the hunger games series 
What are you wearing right now?: pajama pants and an old American idol t shirt lmao 
When did I start this blog?: literally yesterday 
Amount of followers: 43 and I'm shook !
What do I post mostly?: tom holland & spider man stuff 
Most active follower?: I think you can find that out on the real site but I'm on mobile so idk tbh 
What made me get a tumblr?: I've actually had tumblr for years and I joined bc I'd always see posts from tumblr and wanted to join
Do I get a lot of asks?: nope haven't gotten one but it's all good lmao
Why did I get this URL?: it's supposed to be a play on homecoming but it's not amazing Alphabet Q&A Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better. A - Age: 18
B - Birthplace: New York
C - Current Time: 11:31 AM
D - Drink You Last Had: I think iced tea? Can't remember.
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: my best friends Abby and Katie but Abby's all the way in Australia so it's a lil difficult.
F - Favorite Song: hmmm I have so many but at the current moment it's touch by little mix.
G - Grossest Memory: a duck pooped on my favorite shoe when I was younger and I had to throw them out smh
H - Horror Yes or Horror No: No thx I don't like horror movies 
I - In Love?: Uhm not really but someday I guess.
J - Jealous of People?: uh yeah sometimes it depends lmao 
L - Love At First Sight Or Should I Walk By Again: Walk by again
M - Middle Name: Lynn 
N - Number of Siblings: one. I have an older brother.
O - One Wish: happiness tbh
P - Person You Called Last: It was my mom 
Q - Question You Are Always Asked: "are you excited to go to college?" Nope no thank u adulting????? Yikes.
R - Reason to Smile: my cat. She always makes me happy. 
S - Song You Sang Last: TT by Twice.
T - Time You Woke Up: 10:30 I think
U - Underwear Colour: black
V - Vacation Destination: Tokyo, Japan. I've always wanted to go there.
W - Worst Habit: biting my nails lol.
X - X-rays: I had one like two years ago on my knees 
Y - Your favourite food: Mac n cheese 
Z - Zodiac Sign: Pisces 85 Q n A’s!! Rules: Answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people. 
Last 1. drink: iced tea 
2. phone call: my mother
3. text message: my gc with all my friends 
4. song you listened to: TT by Twice
5. time you cried: Last week I was so sick and felt like absolute shit 
6. dated someone twice: nope
7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope
8. been cheated on: nope
9. lost someone special: I've lost my grandma a few years ago f
10. been depressed: yes but not really my problem is my anxiety tbh 
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nope 3 favourite colours 12. Pink 13. Blue 14: Purple in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes I dropped one really toxic friendship and gained a lot more friends.
16. fallen out of love: nope
17. laughed until you cried: I do this a lot but I honestly can't remember the last time I did that lmao
18. found out someone was talking about you: actually nope but I don't doubt that it happens. Listen, as long as I don't know it it's fine. 
19. met someone who changed you: yes but nothing bad. Just let me out of my shell more.
20. found out who your friends are: mhhhhmmm
21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope. Also not a big fan of Facebook. General: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i honestly can't even remember I never go on it.
23. do you have any pets: yes! I have two dogs and a cat. My dogs names are Emma & Daisy and my cats name is Meeko. 24. do you want to change your name: eh not really 
25. what did you do for your last birthday: went out to Cheesecake Factory with my friends. 26. what time did you wake up: 10:30 I think 
27. what were you doing at midnight last night: in my bed I'm tired lmao 
28. name something you can’t wait for: the next Star Wars movie omg
29. when was the last time you saw your mom: 10 minutes ago 
31. what are you listening to right now: my family talk to themselves at the dinner table 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes 
33. something that is getting on your nerves: loud chewers I hate it i haaaate it 34. most visited website: Twitter tbh
35. hair colour: my hair is currently purple 36. long or short hair: it's long I'd say 37. do you have a crush on someone: I did before but not really anymore since schools ended lmao 38. what do you like about yourself: I really like my hair.
39. piercings: I have both my ears pierced and then I also have a nose ring.
40. blood type: I actually don't know. 
41. nickname: panda, mandy, uhmmmm anything you can think of that works I've probably been called.
42. relationship status: single rip
43. zodiac: Pisces 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: The office 46. tattoos: none!!! But I really want one sooo bad. I'm just scared of the pain. I've got exactly what I want all planned out tho.
47. right or left handed: right
48. surgery: I've had my wisdom teeth removed lmao 
50. sport: I don't play any but I enjoy watching hockey and swimming.
51. vacation: Tokyo! Specially Tokyo Disneyland. 
52. pair of trainers: I think this means shoes? My favorite pair of shoes I think? Well my converse. MORE GENERAL
53. eating: currently haven't eaten anything yet.
54. drinking: haven't had anything to drink yet today.
55. I’m about to: probably just chill out 
56. waiting for: my doctors appointment tomorrow so I can figure out what the heck my ear is doing.
58. get married: eventually 
59. career: i really don't know but I'm leaning more towards social working since thats what my major is leaning more towards but idk. WHICH IS BETTER:
60. hugs or kisses: tbh neither 
61. lips or eyes: eyes
62. shorter or taller: taller
63. older or younger: older
64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 
65. hookup or relationship: a relationship 
66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant HAVE YOU EVER:
67. kissed a stranger: no
68. drank hard liquor: no
69. lost glasses/contact lenses: yup and it's super annoying 
70. turned someone down: yes I think 
71. sex on the first date: nope 
73. had your heart broken: yeah I think so 
74. been arrested: nope
75. cried when someone died: yeah
76. fallen for a friend: actually nope DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
77. yourself: it depends on the situation lmao
78. miracles: eh
79. love at first sight: not really 
80. santa claus: I used to 
81. kiss on the first date: I guess it depends on how good it is 
82. angels: Not really OTHER:
84. eye colour: brown 85. favourite movie: I have too many but my favorite of all time is cat in the hat I know it's really bad but it's a guilty pleasure. Okay I'm gonna tag random! Sorry if you've been tagged in one before. @starryeyesandblurredlies @trashholland @spideygwen @penlsparker @pcteparker

[ladyslounge-blog-blog]

Sophistication, Success and Serial Killers

  My idol, Julia Cameron, includes this exercise in a few of her brilliant books, The Artist's Way, the Sound of Paper and perhaps some others, where she encourages her reader to visit their own perceptions of what items for them could serve as a token of success. I have taken it a step further and included things that maybe aren't physical or tangible items.   I do this exercise often and the list items change from time to time but basically my list of 25 symbols of sophistication and success might look something like this:   An organized wallet  A newspaper subscription A nice watch ��A good credit score  Manicured and Pedicured at all times  Monthly hair appointments  Wine savvy  Up to date on current events  Wears a belt  Polished shoes  A non-expired driver's licence  A savings account with actual money in it  Impeccable handwriting  Well trained dog (if you have a dog. Not get a dog and train it, but if you already have a dog, it doesn't jump up or go ballistic when somebody comes to the door, and doesn't try to eat other dogs for trying to share the sidewalk with her etc...)  Clothes that aren't made up 80% of cat hair Is punctual Has a life plan / action plan /mind map taking up half the basement wall made up of chalkboard paint and post it notes but in an organized and grown-up yet whimsical and not at a all OCD/stalker/serial killer way

 Phone isn't almost always at 1% battery life Knows where key are Knows where (organized) wallet is Doesn't have oppositional defiance disorder Goes to the dentist for check-ups and cleanings when they call to remind them that it's time.  Doesn't argue with themselves about whether or not it is bedtime and then stay up way too late watching Netflix and wonder why they're so exhausted all the next day, pausing repeatedly to search "fatigue" on webMD Doesn't search anything on webMD ever Washes face before bed instead of smearing off excess eyeliner from yesterday and pretending they are responsibly prioritizing and economizing on time by counting what's left of it as today's make-up. The idea is to scan your list and just select one symbol by which you can celebrate your soigné adulthood.     Desperate to be sophisticated but too lazy to think of your own list? Prefer to follow a clearly outlined step-by-step guide? You're in luck!   According to the wikiHow staff While "Sophistication means more than just smoking a thin cigarette in a French café while discussing your latest trip to an art gallery." this online document illustrating (literally)  how-to steps will get you fast tracked to sophistication in no time at all! Okay, it's not actually just a few simple steps. there are 4 parts to the process with several steps in each so I did you the favour of giving it a quick browse and grabbing what are clearly the most important steps of each part. Ready? Part 1 - Getting the Look Keep your face looking sophisticated. Both men and women should keep their faces looking sophisticated and well-groomed. Here’s what they should do: Women should wear some makeup to show that they’ve made an effort, but not so much that they end up hiding their natural features. Just a touch of eye shadow and liner and lipstick or lip gloss will do; there’s no need to throw on fake eyelashes or layers of blush. Men should keep their faces looking fresh, but they can keep their beards or just a little bit of stubble. You don’t have to be free of facial hair to look sophisticated. A beard can even make you look more sophisticated, especially if you have some gray in your beard. Part 2 - Talking the talk Avoid discussing any subjects that make people uncomfortable. Knowing what not to say is just as important as knowing what you should not talk about. Though you shouldn’t completely censor yourself and end up sounding like another person, if you want to sound sophisticated, then you have to avoid discussing subjects that make people cringe, roll their eyes, or generally feel like leaving the room. Here are some subjects that you should avoid talking about if you want to sound sophisticated: How much money you make Bodily functions Your latest hookup How drunk you got last night Part 3 - Picking Up Sophisticated Interests Be well-read. Being well-read is a must if you want to be truly sophisticated. Having some knowledge about classic works of literature as well as contemporary works will make you a more well-rounded, interesting, and sophisticated person. Though it’s hard to make room for reading in your busy schedule, try to read at least 2-3 books a month, or more, if you can make time for it. Here are some ways to be a more well-read person: Stop watching silly TV shows and curl up with a good book instead; stop listening to pop music and listen to an audio book on the way to work. Join a book club. This will motivate you to read regularly. Read the books on the Modern Library’s 100 best novels list. Read widely. Don’t just read fiction, non-fiction, or books written about America. Read books of different genres that represent different cultures. Make a list of books you want to read by the end of the next New Year. See how many you can check off your list. If you want to sound sophisticated, make sure you know that the writer George Eliot is a woman, and that the writer Evelyn Waugh is a man. Learn to pronounce the names of French writers. For example, Proust is pronounced “Proost,” to rhyme with “roost.” Appreciate wine. Drinking wine does not mean chugging a box of Franzia in your college’s parking lot before the big football game. It means knowing how to appreciate wine from different regions, and learning how to recognize different types of wine and the different flavors that you can find in a glass of wine. Here are some things you will need to master if you want to be sophisticated: The different types of wine. Cabernet, Merlot, Pinot Noir, and Zinfandel are some common red wines you may encounter; Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Riesling, and Pinot Grigio are some white wines you may drink. Wine tasting. To taste wine, swirl it around, smell it gently, and then take a small, thoughtful sip. Don’t down the whole glass without noticing the richness of the flavors. Pairing wine with foods. White wine tends to go better with certain fish, while red wine can bring out the flavors in a rich steak. Dessert wines. If you’re really into wine, you can enjoy a glass of sherry or port after your meal. Don’t drink this wine during your main meal. Identifying flavors. Does the wine taste oaked, not oaked, earthy, or fruit-forward? Can you detect a hint of chocolate, blackberries, or oranges? You’ll have a refined palate with practice. Chilling your wine. White wine should be cold; red wine should be kept out of the refrigerator. Don’t put ice cubes in your white wine to cool it down unless you want to look unsophisticated. Aerating your wine. Let your red wine breathe for a few minutes before you drink it. Better yet, pour it into a decanter or even pour it through an aerator into a glass. Part 4 - Acting Sophisticated Avoid getting visibly intoxicated in public. It’s sophisticated to sip a glass of Rosé or white wine on your patio and keep up witty conversation—it’s not sophisticated to be seen stumbling around a bar, falling into stools and not being able to keep your food down. If you want to be sophisticated and have embarrassing drinking habits, then it’s time to change your ways. The next time you go out, stick to having just one or two drinks, or to drinking until you feel slightly buzzed and then stopping. If you want people to think you’re sophisticated, although it goes deep down within yourself, then people will take you seriously, and nobody takes a person who can’t hold his liquor very seriously. Spend time with sophisticated people.   Sophisticated company will improve your level of sophistication. You shouldn’t drop all of your friends at a moment’s notice just because they aren’t as sophisticated as you’d like them to be; you should, however, make a goal of hanging out with more cultured, interesting, and open-minded people so that you can improve your own level of thinking. You can meet sophisticated people at book clubs, book readings, gallery openings and events, poetry readings, concerts, or at any art-inspired events. I don't know about you guys but I'm super inspired to get sophisticated now that I know how easy and straight forward it is; To the point where I have re-written my own personal list of symbols of sophistication.   Stop going out looking like a drag queen Stop talking about poop Cancel my Netflix account, quit my job and take up full time reading Develop a very strong dependancy on wine without chugging boxes of Franzia in my college’s parking lot before the big football games. Only drink alone and in private. Hang out with other unemployed alcoholics who wear modest amounts of make-up/beardage who don't talk about poop and have lots of words, all the words, the best words. *For access to the rest of the steps, so that you can become a truly sophisticated person, follow this link: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Sophisticated   Read the full article