#Let's hope I survive exams and have some time during the winter holiday

[pikatik]

Help me

I have a 40-50 (minimum) page literature assignment before this Tuesday (it's Sunday night here right now)

[britishassistant]

The Villainous Paranoiac Just Wants An Uneventful Holiday (Part 1)

This is not how you wanted to spend your break.

The school was supposed to be empty. Everyone except the Octavinelle trio was supposed to be gone.

Not to say you don’t enjoy your friends’ company but. No magic-using people means no magic-spewing overblots.

You were looking forward to just bringing the fairies their firewood and working on your winter homework while taking the first opportunity in a good long while to unwind with Grim and the ghosts. No investigations to worry about, no weird dreams to get worked up over, no overblots to frantically try and survive.

You wanted a break.

This? Marching 10km into the desert with the rest of Scarabia dorm for the third day in a row due to their leader’s looming psychotic breakdown? This is not a break.

Although...

There’s definetely something rotten in Scarabia dorm, you think to yourself as you watch Viper-senpai hand out skeins of water. Kalim-senpai had no problem using his unique magic yesterday, and yet today he acted like Grim had mortally insulted him when he asked for a repeat performance.

If the outburst had been after two or three other instances of Kalim-senpai using Oasis Maker and receiving what he felt were insufficient thanks for it, then his current attitude would make a little more sense. But taking umbrage after using it just once? And being universally praised by everyone else the rest of the day for it?

It doesn’t add up.

Even deranged behavior has some sort of internal logic to it, as Rosehearts-senpai and the Rules of the Queen of Hearts have taught you. Even with how nonsensical all 810 rules are, it’s rare to find a scenario where one rule actually conflicts with another— all of them usually work smoothly in tandem with the goal of having an orderly unbirthday party in mind.

Even if they do violate most forms of dignity and common sense.

Kalim-senpai’s behavior though? It’s erratic without rhyme or reason, bouncing from nice to mean and back again seemingly as he enters and exits a room. He insists you and Grim stay and participate in this asinine “training”, despite the fact that you both belong to a different dorm, and are technically rivals to Scarabia in Magift and exams.

If you didn’t know better, you’d say it’s almost like he’s trying to imitate Rosehearts-senpai before his overblot—and doing poorly at it.

And with how much Viper-senpai has been invoking parallels between the current situation and what happened back then...

The smartphone Crowley gave you is a cold, heavy weight in your pocket. Its charge ran out yesterday, which is unsurprising given how many times you dialed and redialed the dumb bird headmaster’s number only to be met with his voicemail. You can probably recite that stupid message by heart now. You’ve heard nothing from Ace and Deuce either.

One thing is clear; no one’s going to help you out of this mess but you.

“Kalim-senpai?” You brace yourself as you step towards him. “Can I ask you something?”

“What could you possibly question me about?” He barks, glaring down at you haughtily.

“Well, I was just wondering, what’s the point of all this?” You fight to keep your nerve as his posture stiffens. “I don’t mean any disrespect, none at all, but you do want everyone to do better in Magift and exams, don’t you? I was hoping you could explain to me how the parades and defensive magic training are supposed to do that. I apologize for my ignorance, I’m nowhere near as smart as you, but could you please tell me why we don’t just practice Magift and brush up on the class material inst—”

Your head’s ringing.

You think you hear faint yelling, though it sounds like it’s coming from somewhere far away.

Your cheek aches.

Numbness blooming into a sharp stinging throb that feels like it’s growing with every second that passes, burning hotter than the sun above you.

You cautiously poke your tongue against your teeth, but none feel loose, thank the Seven.

Damn, the desperate, near-hysterical thought flits through your head. Even a pampered rich boy like him has strength behind his hits, huh?

The rest of you is just trying to process what the Hell just happened.

“How. Dare. You?!”

Asim-sama looms over you, red eyes burning with fury.

It’s a fight to keep yourself from curling into a terrified ball under his gaze, tucking into yourself as though seeing less of you would abate the anger, the shouting, the hurt, like you used to when you were a child.

“You dare to question my methods, my leadership of this dorm?! You? A sniveling street rat leeching off my hospitality?! Do you know who I am?!” He rages. “I am Kalim al-Asim! I am the Head of this dorm! I don’t have to explain ANYTHING, justify ANYTHING to the likes of you!!”

You knew, you knew you were pushing your luck when you first asked, but you thought it would just be yelling, like it was before. You can handle yelling, nothing Asim-sama can say could ever be worse than what you’ve already heard.

You didn’t think he’d hit you.

You didn’t think he’d hit you.

You didn’t think—

“DON'T YOU TOUCH MY MINION, FGNAH!”

Your arm whips out almost on instinct.

You jolt forward slightly as Grim collides with it, hissing and spitting like he really was an irate cat, the flames in his ears flaring brightly enough that some detached part of you is worried about getting burned.

The other Scarabia students are reaching for their magic pens.

“Lemme at ‘im! Lemme at ‘im!!” Your friend howls, fighting to get past you. “Forget butt on fire, I’ll BURN IT TO A CRISP FOR HURTING MY MINION!! I'LL STEAL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND SELL IT FOR LUXURY TUNA!! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR CROSSING THE GREAT GRIM—”

“No, Grim.”

Your friend halts in his flailing to stare uncomprehendingly at you. “But Yuu—!”

“It was my fault.” You say, trying to keep as much emotion out of your voice as possible. Tears and trembling only show weakness, only make them worse. “Asim-sama was just correcting me. He was right to do so. I shouldn’t have questioned him. I overstepped my bounds.”

Asim-sama sniffs. “At least you know your place. Be glad I don’t punish you anymore than this.”

“What?! He slapped you for asking a question, you can’t possibly believe—” You gather Grim into your arms and hug him close. You quietly thank the Great Seven you at least have him, trying to hide the quiver in your limbs by burying your face in his fur.

But that’s exactly why you can’t let him do this. It’s just the two of you, you can’t win against an entire dorm of wizards like you did against the ghosts. Maybe if Ace and Deuce and Jack were here...but it’s just you. You need to protect your friend in the only way you can. “We can’t win this. Please, Grim.”

You feel him grumble, then a paw carefully pushes at your forehead. “Hrm...I’ll show mercy for now, so geroff already. It’s too hot for you to keep hugging me like this, I’m cooking here fgnah.”

Despite saying so, he settles onto your shoulder, tail smacking your arm as it flicks irritably.

“If you’ll excuse me, Asim-sama.” You duck your head slightly. “I will remove myself from your sight and head back early as penance for my behavior. Once again, my deepest apologies for insulting you.”

Asim-sama gives you a curt, dismissive nod.

You turn and make your way through the crowd of Scarabia students, snatches of muttered conversations floating to your ears.

“How could he—?”

“Just for a question?”

“Isn’t that going too far...?”

“Unforgivable...”

“Prefect.” Viper-senpai takes you by the shoulder, turning you to face him. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” You reply monotonously, eyes on the sand below you. “Just...just need to be by myself for a bit.”

His lips purse and you can feel him study your face. He presses a full water skein into your hands. “Take this. Even if it’s not as cold as I’d like, it should help with the swelling some. Plus you need to stay hydrated out there.”

“Thank you, Viper-senpai.” You nod, keeping your eyes down.

“And Prefect?” He squeezes your shoulder, voice lowering only a fraction. “I am truly sorry about this. All of this. It will not happen again, you have my word.”

It would’ve been a nice apology, had you not caught a glimpse of a smirk on his face.

You nod, making sure not to outwardly react to that or to the way the whispers of the other Scarabia students turn from the condemnation of their dorm head to the exaltation of the vice dorm head. You begin following the tracks in the sand back to the main dorm.

The sun beats down on your back as you take a swig from the skein and pass it to Grim to drink from. He’s still grumbling about how you should’ve let him recreate his rampage at the entrance ceremony.

For your part, the distance and good company have let you pull yourself out of that headspace enough that you can try and look back objectively on what happened.

Your mind keeps circling back around to one question: why did Asim-senpai hit you?

Based on your interactions before this, Asim-senpai doesn’t seem to be the type to resort to physical violence as a first response, or even a last one. Which means something in your question likely backed him into a corner enough that the normally pacifistic dorm head felt lashing out physically was the only way to get you to stop.

...Like the fact that he couldn’t answer it?

Even when screaming abuse at you, his ultimate response was that he wouldn’t explain himself to you. Is that because he didn’t want to? Or because he couldn’t? Does Asim-senpai himself not know the reasons behind his own actions? But how can someone act without knowing or meaning to, without being under the influence somehow?

Under the influence.

People acted without knowing or meaning to thanks to being under the influence of Buchie-senpai’s Unique Magic during the Magift incident. But he went home, you saw him leave, so what...?

You pull out your notebook, flipping through the pages with sweaty hands until you get to your records of the testimonies from the incident. You scan through the testimonies from Scarabia students, hoping to find something, anything—

Oh.

Oh.

“Motherfucker.” You hiss, staring at the page in dismay. You are an idiot. You are the biggest idiot, you make Deuce look like a genuis, how could you forget about this?? It was only the key testimony that helped pinpoint Buchie-senpai and Savannahclaw as the culprits behind the injuries. And it explains so much— why you kept agreeing to stay here despite wanting to go back to Ramshackle so desperately, almost like your mouth was speaking without your consent.

“Minion?” Grim asks, pushing the water skein back onto you. “What’s wrong?”

You snap your notebook shut and slide it back into your pocket, taking another fortifying swig from the skein. “Grim? Think we can get back soon enough to work on the escape route in our room before the others arrive back for lunch?”

“If we pick up the pace a bit, yeah.” He hops back onto your shoulder. “But what’s the rush? We have all night tonight to work on it.”

“Let’s just say the sooner we can get out of here, the better.” You mutter, cogs and gears turning in your head as a tentative plan begins to form.

This is not how you wanted to spend your winter break.

[wateenleventje]

The Beginning of Us

I used to write fiction. Nothing really remarkable, yet I enjoy composing fictious character's life and tell how love can change our life. Maybe because I watch too much romantic comedy. When I finally stop writing these type of writing, is I think because it does not give much impact to my personal life, let alone to bigger audience.

I decided to write more based on my real personal experience or share my thought in a blog platform. It feels different, it feels more therapeutic because I can stop bottling up what is on my mind and how I actually feel. It is also nice to have pensieve (Harry Potter vocab alert)!

I sometimes miss the good old days when I soak myself in the story of love. No matter how cheesy the story is, I believe that every person's life worth a once in a lifetime story, especially their journey of finding love. That is why I love watching movie about love story (Earlier episode of The Crown with Elizabeth and Philip's story, Felicity Jones' The Theory of Everything, Sandra Bullock's The Proposal, Hilary Duff's Cinderella Story, Lily Colin's Love, Rosie., Lindsay Lohan's The Parent Trap, Emily Clarke's Me Before You are some of my favorite). I enjoy reading hundred of pages (oh well, thousand? I even guilty for reading the whole Twilight Saga series) of how people's life twisted once love came. I kept quotes of love advice, reading and listening to random podcast, videos and blog post about love story, and I even wrote scientific paper about Long Distance Relationship couple (for my bachelor's thesis).

I have to admit that I even perceive so many things in my life happening in a way of a romantic comedy writer works. As an intro I would summed up that we started off as two strangers meeting in a destined time. We came with our own baggage a.k.a history and current situation on-going, but we just gotta meet that night and get through the labyrinth first. Even the setting could not be anymore "hollywood-like": one night, in a new city, simple hello and cheesy line, and we instantly hit if off. 

One thing lead to another, we did not just related, but we keep in touch regularly after that night. It was a memorable night and I was enchanted by him. However, it was on hold shortly after he casually mentioned about his current relationship and became supportive to my situation that time. I was not in my best state at that time, as I took so many careless choices and not focusing on what really matters in life and in love. I think, it was because I was 23 and living on the edge seems like a celebration of getting “my freedom”. 

Even when we became busy with our own circle, our own love life, and our routine, we maintain our close friendship. We came to each other naturally but carefully refraining ourselves from diving in real feeling. I somehow sense that I messed up a little too much and with him I just found a safe haven. I became so comfortable showing my actual thought and telling him how I felt, even when he frowned after hearing about it. I have to be honest, even though I was in a relationship with someone else by that time, I enjoyed his constant care (like taking the closest chair or walking beside me most of the time), his abudant encouragement (how he called me "genius" just because I told him excitedly that I passed my exam without caring the grades I have), our sweet personal talk (I remembered how he shared his "wedding theme song" to me when we were just friend), his being protective to me (not letting me out on my own during winter night) and making a big deal out of his spontaneous compliment (telling me that I made the best fried rice--just because I decided not to put chili on it, because he dislikes spicy food). I remembered that we spent so many alone time, one on one talk when our group of friends are hanging out, catching up in a short groceries walk.

By the end of our first semester, I noticed that something change between us. We become overtly friendlier but also trapped in our current situation. I was so consumed by a long distance relationship struggle back then and did not realize that he also getting close with someone else. I still think that he paid that degree of attention only to me and we have different level of closeness, so I got myself so comfortable with him. I was indulged in our special routine: taking time, just the two of us, strolling around the city in dawn, having kebab and soda when I need someone to talk to, watching the first snow shower together, and even had our best-honeymoon-trip-scenario, where he acted as if he helped me to create a honeymoon itinerary for the me and my future spouse while we just filled it with our favorite places.

I had my breakdown that year after a short holiday where we spent far away from each other as I just broke up from a relationship that I actually knew would not survive. Still, it hurts and what I wanted that new year eve was just to returned to our Maastricht and met him. I was delighted that he was eager to meet me and my parents as well, to the point he initiated it. We arranged a short trip out of the city and I can't deny how I felt about him once I found him getting along with my father. I watched them just sync effortlessly and how he made conversation with him all day long while me and my mom getting “busy” shopping. Maybe I was not rational at that time, wanting to escape from my heart break, but I swear I hear myself saying "I think, all these things happened so I can realize that Madeza is the one".

I did not pay attention or simply refute from seeing the signs, I let myself build hope that this might be a start of something new, only to find out that he had a new girl friend. I remembered that night very clearly, I remember the place when he told me casually about it. I felt like a fool and I keep wondering whether it was a plot twist in our story. Anyway, is it quite clear how our love story resembles one of that movie up until this point?

The shock and even worse heartbreak this time, I got angry and tried to find another resort. So, I chose to spend time with someone else out of the blue, making it clear that I tried to escape watching someone I am in love with enjoying a good time with someone else. I tried to run away from the fact that I have to witness them together, because we were in the same group and we lived in a small city, and I need to at least be able to "do what he do to me”. I don’t know if I am so angry at him or at the timing.

Nonetheless, I can’t keep my joy whenever we sneaked out for a meet-up. But our conversation became bizarre as we keep so much from each other. It only took us weeks to realize that our so called friendship needs a closure. We approached each other, talking until dawn and crying and laughing at how ridiculous the situation we got ourselves into. We talked about past, about our feeling, about moments we secretly keep and treasure it. I was told that he actually recognized me before we talked for the first time. He spotted me through a social media posting and he read some of my blog posts. 

I think, that moment we were too happy and got ourselves into a bubble, we were too afraid to return to the reality we were in that we did not talk about it. But morning comes and we just have to face the reality we were in. Once or twice we exchanged some difficult conversation, like a passive I-want-you-to-tell-what-is-going-on-between-us and we did not continue in the middle of our conversation because it was too hard just to straightly said how we actually feel. So, we let the distance grow, we did not really exchange news or let ourself start any conversation. It was hard, but I think by that time it was what we need for a while.

I remember the spring was around the corner when we finally reconnected. It started with a random meeting and hang out. It ended up with a text where I confessed that I miss him so badly. Ever since that day, we just know that things are escalating. Although we spend time with our friends, we cannot keep that longing stare off each other. I feel that moment very significant to our relationship because we were so close to hit that point in our romantic relationship, yet we were not so sure where we stood.

One of the most special memory in that period is related with the celebration of my 24th birthday. We did not get to celebrate my birthday together, but we went to the church that morning together. He took me to a birthday brunch and it was a lovely morning. I was not really in a good place back then, I felt a bit disoriented in between what I have not achieved in my life and where I want to walk after this. We talk about future, not as the two of us, yet, but about each of us. We learn about surrender (berserah) our life in God's hands and not give up our situation to the situation at road's end (terserah). I never had that kind of conversation with anyone before, that moment I know how much I want to have those conversations for the rest of my life.

As we only have part of my birthday together, we decided to go for a date to annual spring garden, away from our city. I bought a pinky seed of tulip, we strolled, chatted, and had dinner. He took me to have dinner in a cozy café by the pier called Plek. We stayed there long enough until the crowd dissolved, looking the sky turned black, the lights hanged warmly, and we had the bench by the pier for ourselves. We sit there, looking at pitch black far horizon, just close our eyes in silence side by side. The weather feels cool, but I cant help feeling sad for this moment, as verything is quite blurry even when we can't deny what is hanging the air. He said something though--something that replace the 3 words we have not really dare to say to each other as we just throw the badge of friendship that we used all this time. "If one day I don’t fight for us as much as I do today, please remind me of this place and this moment."

He took my breath away.

For 23 years I was falling and failing miserably, worrying that I wont come up with the love story that as magical as my parents’. I am afraid I won’t ever stop looking until I found my own great love story. Then, I met Madeza that year and I know he is my great love story. It was just the beginning and I already know how it turned out to be, and I love it. I’ve found the one and it is much more wonderful than any love story in the whole world. 

#whatalife

[yukiwrites]

The Light He Loves the Most

My SecretAnna wassss *drumroll* @nayuun-fanart! Happy Holidays, friend! ;D I was so excited to get you, since it’s been a while I wrote GaiMari ^v^)v hope you have an amazing time this end of year and here’s for a lot more years of friendship ;D

It's commonplace for the nobility of Ylisse to regard the end-of-year as the busiest time for their houses: Alongside the crown, they have to prepare for the Winter Solstice, New Years and Exalt's Day all at the same time.

And, for the Duchess of House Themis, it was an even busier time -- not only she was close friends with Ylisse's second princess, her Exam for the Royal Judiciary was finally just around the corner. Maribelle had to cram her studies, her appearances at court as well as donations, schedules, fundings and paper-signing for the seemingly never-ending festivities during her limited time.

"Oh, why doesn't the day have more hours?" She complained one night while she took off her capelet, "even for someone high-bred like myself, this end of year rush takes a toll on the body." She sighed.

"Maybe don't take that off after all, Sweetheart," Gaius picked up her garment and attached it over her shoulders once again. "Now that I'm the cock of the walk, all proper and all that," the former thief (he's not above taking one or two requests, though. Old habits and all that) smirked, tying the ribbon back, "I don't suppose you'll allow me to take you for a night out?" He bowed, trying his hardest not to laugh.

Knowing her husband, Maribelle immediately caught on that he was simply mocking the good mannerisms of a noble and turned her face to the side. "You may not. I have to review some materials tonight, and Geoffrey is still to send me a few papers to sig-- eek! What kind of madness is this? Let me down at once!" She was interrupted by Gaius picking her up on his arms and enjoying as she kicked her feet.

"Well, I just asked first to be polite just how you like, but remember: I've always been good to sweep people and things away!" He chuckled and walked towards the window.

"Darling-- Stop this madness--" Maribelle kicked her feet and hit her husband's chest, "I cannot afford to take a single night off!" She huffed, stress piled up through every pore of her being.

Gaius put one foot over the parapet, placing Maribelle's legs over his thigh, using his now free hand to take the lollipop out of his mouth. "That's EXACTLY why you need a night out, Sweetheart," he tapped the candy over her lips, "we've done this before and everything turned out fine, didn't it? So we're doing it again."

Pouting, the noblewoman grasped at her beloved's shirt and opened her mouth to take the lollipop he persistently booped on her lips. She remembered how much fun she had that night -- and how caringly Gaius looked after her throughout the festivities.

The anxiety of leaving her work undone wouldn't leave her chest, however, which translated to her gripping more strongly to his shirt.

"C'mon, Sweetheart," Gaius held her hand, making Maribelle look up at him, conflicted. "If you don't wanna do this for you, at least do it for me! I've been dying here being all proper! Do you know how MUCH my back hurts from standing straight all the time?"

"Humph," Maribelle took the candy out of her mouth, "it behooves one of your new status to look at least presentable, darling. The slouch you are accustomed to is only fit for the unwashed masses whence you came."

Gaius smiled. There she was, the sharp-tongued, high-nosed woman he married. He's been worried about her running herself ragged lately, so he kept tabs at the events happening in town. That night, the light's show would surely bring her spirits back up.

"Besides," Maribelle kept on, now pointing the candy to Gaius, "I shall do it for myself, not for the lazy cat I call husband."

"Oho?" He licked his lips and snatched the lollipop from her fingers, "then you gotta enjoy yourself to the fullest, yeah?"

"So I shall, darling." The noblewoman nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck, "now go on; take me to this commoner's event you are so fond of." She said, then added: "at least take the door, darling. Going out through the window hardly befits one such as myself--"

Before she ended the sentence, Gaius jumped, laughing at her unamused sigh and oh-why-do-I-bother face.

Luckily, the town they were headed to was close to the Themis residence (as Gaius had planned), so the walk did not take long. The weather, however, took a turn to the cold side as it started to snow, surprising the noblewoman.

"Am I to freeze to death in this commoner's hole? What a sleazy end for Duchess Maribelle of Themis," she trembled, holding Gaius' arm with everything she had.

Snorting, the former outlaw placed one hand over her gloved one, "relax, Sweetheart, we're almost there." He pointed with his chin to the round plaza, its fountain frozen and surrounded by flickering lights.

"My, what a wonderful sight hidden in such a backwater place!" Maribelle mused, looking around the plaza whence they entered: much like the travelling circus from before, it had food and game stalls, though it lacked the fire-breathing and juggling people.

It had, however, a light show -- mages placed strategically around town threw what seemed to be a comet of light one towards the other: upon closer inspection, the comet was composed of hundreds of thousands star-shaped dots of light, all of which flickered much like the ones decorating the fountain.

A group of people danced in front of a band which played peppy and folk songs (a more popular version of the Fell Dragon's March among them), all wearing thick wool clothing. Not knowing where to look (the mages? the dance? the poor quality of their clothes? 'How would they even survive winter with such fabrics?' she bemused), Maribelle failed to notice when her husband purchased a woolen scarf and only realized what he had done after he wrapped it around her neck.

To top it off, he even bought a matching ushanka in bright pink, snorting at her reaction.

"Oh, darling, it's lovely that you wish for me to break out in hives due to this base fabric, but I do hope you do not plan on letting me wear this throughout the night." She frowned, adamant.

Gaius tried, he really did, to hold her gaze, but the contrast of her own clothes' 'proper' pink and the woolen bright pink made him burst out in laughter. "It-- ahaha... it looks great," he snorted, "it looks great on you, Sweetheart!"

"Gaius!" Maribelle hissed. If she had her parasol, she would've snapped it in half at that moment.

"Relax, Sweetheart! No one's gonna recognize you or anything," he took her hand and pulled her to follow the approaching group of dancers. "Didn't you say you're gonna enjoy yourself to the max tonight?"

Maribelle's heart beat in unison with the gods-forsaken ear worm of a song. It was rather endearing in its own way, she could admit, and seeing her husband look eager to at least start a few steps of dance made her simply pout and frown her irritation away. "When we go back home, do get ready for another lady lesson, darling! You will not get away with these," she looked at her hat and scarf, "unscathed!" She winked, getting into the rhythm and following the band.

Despite her snob attitude at first, Maribelle always shone whenever she was taken into a commoner's event -- she would absorb their customs, be amused at them and immediately use them in their 'proper habitat' so to say. Her smile shone the brightest that night, taking the air away from many a passerby, but especially from her beloved.

Yeah, seeing her having fun like that, surrounded by the masses, was what truly made Gaius the happiest -- making her taste a bit of his own world and enjoy it... He had no eyes for the light's show that night, only for his Sweetheart.

[iagreeonehundredpercent]

Not Doing So Great

I would like to share a small list of chronological events. This list is also happening to me, but I’m going to pretend it’s a grocery list so I don’t snap. Snap peas only, no snapping. This has been my past few months.

December: awful job says holiday hires have taken all of the holiday work days off. I must work during the holidays. I cannot go home to see my family.

January 19th: my birthday. I don’t plan anything on this day, I have a party on the 22nd. I am excited for this party, unlike the past four years of birthdays I am celebrating this one with my friends and I am sure I will enjoy myself.

January 20th: I am fired by my garbage job. They say it is my attitude. This is incredibly upsetting and demoralizing. I am fired without notice or without pay in lieu after almost a year of working for them. I don’t even know that this is a thing you legally can’t do to people until my mom tells me over the phone. I am horribly depressed.

That Weekend: I cancel my birthday party.

January 23rd: worrying that I’m not going to have enough money to stay afloat until my next job, I decide to email shitty job telling them that I am owed termination pay.

January 25th: I find out that I am pregnant.

Also January 25th: I find out that I am pregnant immediately before a job interview.

Also January 25th: I somehow do well in the job interview, and am offered a job as a street fundraiser.

Also January 25th: I reject the job as a street fundraiser.

Also January 25th: terrible job emails me back, saying that they will only give me termination page if I sign a contract that is in essence a gag order. I am never allowed to speak anything but positively about awful job. They offer me $400 for this.

That Weekend: my mom visits. We have a discussion about Mike Pence, this discussion leads to abortion, my mom does not believe in abortion. She believes that women who become pregnant should be forced to have the child, and then either raise the child or give the child up. I feel a distance between us that I have not felt since coming out. I am acting strangely, but I say it is because I was recently fired. For the first time since the day after my birthday, I am grateful that I was fired.

January 31st: I find out I have been hired at new job. New job is great, better pay, better hours, kind people. But they want me to start the day after tomorrow. I was planning to have an abortion on a friday so I would have a weekend to recover from the most significant symptoms. I tell new job that I am still at trashcan old job (which I of course say is great but just can’t give me enough hours) so that I have give room in case I decide to have an abortion.

Also January 31st: I decide to have an abortion.

Also January 31st: I make an appointment for an abortion. This is difficult and emotional, but also difficult because the earliest appointment that works is next week friday. I must lie to my new job about still having Friday hours at my old job. I do not enjoy lying, and am not good at it.

February 2nd: It is my first day at my new job. They are friendly and patient. They pay me every two weeks instead of every month and a half on irregular days. They encourage me to get up and walk every few hours to prevent back issues instead of forcing me to stand for hours with no heat in the winter or no air conditioning in the summer. They help me fix my mistakes and admit their own instead of viciously attacking me for making any at all. I love new job.

Also February 2nd: I find out that the girl I am replacing has a sister. Her sister is a vendor for misery job. I will spend the next week and a half discussing the positive particulars of acid rain job with the girl I am replacing.

Also February 2nd: I reject dying-puppies job’s offer of signing a gag order for $400.

February 3rd: still pregnant

February 4th: still pregnant

February 5th: still pregnant

February 6th: still pregnant

February 7th: still pregnant

February 8th: still pregnant

February 9th: still pregnant

February 10th: I have an abortion.

A week and a half later: The abortion itself went well. I am glad I chose the clinic that I did. I am glad that I had the abortion. I had an IUD inserted at the same time as the abortion. Even though everything could be normal, I am still experiencing severe pain in the evenings and pretty significant bleeding. I am worried something is wrong, so I call the clinic where I had the abortion, and a doctor says this is normal. The only thing that she will say is not normal is if I am in so much pain I cannot move or if I bleed so much in half an hour that I flood a pad. She will not tell me when it is normal to stop bleeding. I am not having either of the symptoms she mentioned. I assume my recovery is normal.

I bleed and am in pain every day for the next two weeks. I am a scientist now, I slowly tell select friends about my abortion and quiz them on recoveries of friends and family members who have also had abortions or IUDs inserted. Everyone seems to have a different experience. No one seems to have answers. I doubt myself, I belittle myself. I assume I cannot handle pain, that I am weaker than my friends. A small part of me feels like I deserve it. I rarely take Advil.

March 1: I go to a walk-in clinic I visited early in my pregnancy to discuss options. I am tired of convincing myself that my pain and my bleeding is normal. I am tired, and even if it is nothing, I want [read: need] someone to confirm that is the case. A friendly doctor sympathizes, she agrees that my symptoms do sound concerning. She does an exam, orders blood work, does a urine pregnancy test, and promises to follow up. I feel like a person again, if only for a moment. But she also explains to me later in the appointment that I have had a positive pregnancy test, and my symptoms could be due to an infection, either because of the IUD or the abortion, or due to still being pregnant. I get fuzzy at this point and don’t understand her properly but don’t ask any more questions because I don’t want to cry in the clinic. A nurse draws my blood and I leave.

Yesterday: My bleeding and pain significantly increases. The clinic calls me at work while I am doing some filing. The blood test shows a positive pregnancy. I am breaking inside. They say that they have a requisition for me for an ultrasound to further confirm the test results. I tell them that I will walk over and pick it up, my work is 15 minutes away. I lie to my work and say that I am experiencing heavy bleeding from an IUD insertion and need to go to the hospital. They are concerned and compassionate, and they encourage me to go.

I have a small breakdown at the clinic speaking with a doctor. But it is not another baby, it is not the same baby, it is a piece of tissue from the placenta that won’t leave my goddam uterus. Even if this is the case, it feels the same and the solutions are the same. I will either have to have a medical or a surgical abortion. This time the doctor is careful not to call it an abortion. It is the same procedure, but now it is to ‘remove the tissue’.

I walk to the hospital

I spend nine hours in the hospital.

In the hospital over the course of nine hours, I have 1 external ultrasound, 1 internal ultrasound, 3 internal exams, 3 external exams. I have to explain my symptoms countless times. I have to recite my medical history over and over, talking to each new stranger about my abortion, about my bleeding, about my pain. Even after the second ultrasound confirms that there is a piece of tissue remaining from the abortion, I doubt myself. I doubt my symptoms. I doubt my pain.

I am a person who lives with depression. I have attempted suicide in the past, and I know my limits because of it. I could not have survived yesterday without my friend who came with me to the hospital. For many of those nine hours, I lived with the possibility of having another surgical abortion less than a month after the first. Even after everything I’ve been through, after all the pain and bleeding and doubt I still don’t regret my abortion. But I’m not the strongest person, and even though I know it’s different and I know there’s no baby, there never was a baby just a cluster of cells, and even though I know it’s necessary I wished that this wasn’t happening and I knew that I couldn’t deal with another surgical procedure.

The last doctor I saw from gynecology prescribed me a medication sometime past 9PM last night. It has an 85% efficacy rate. It has a complicated name that starts with an ‘M’ and essentially triggers a miscarriage. It is used in abortions. After a snack raid of a nearby Rexall, I returned home and took this medication. It feels like another abortion.

I’m having a hard time, guys. I’m sorry if this post feels heavy, I know that many of you also lead heavy lives and I want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you. I just had to talk about it. Even though I’ve told a select few friends, I feel isolated and very alone a lot of the time. I’m worried that I’ll once again be in the incredibly small minority of people for whom abortions are not entirely effective and I will have to go through this a third time. I’m exhausted and very very sad.

I also don’t want people to feel dissauded from having abortions because of this post. That is your choice and your body, my body is just being so rude about it. Very clingy, literally in the case of the placenta tissue. But trust your body. Know your body. Pain and constant bleeding is not normal. It is not something you deserve or something that is to be expected just because you have a uterus or have recently had an abortion. Don’t let other people’s doubt or discomfort with the truth cloud your judgement. They don’t live inside you. They are not you.

Apologies to the people I have not talked to in a while. This is why. I sincerely hope things get better soon.

[josephkitchen0]

Exploring the Rosemary Plant

In the language of herbs, the rosemary plant is known for remembrance. And if you’ve ever smelled the fresh piney scent of a rosemary plant, it’s not likely something you’ll forget. This easy to grow and versatile herb is a must have for any garden herbs list.

Rosemary is an evergreen perennial herb that’s a member of the mint family and is native to the Meditteranean. In the United States, it’s grown as a perennial in warmer climes (zones 6 to 10). In fact, rosemary hedges grace the walkways of Charleston, South Carolina and many other Southern cities, year round. In the north, the rosemary plant is either treated as an annual or moved indoors into containers before the first frost. Growing rosemary in your garden isn’t like growing horseradish or other perennial herbs such as thyme and parsley,  that can be overwintered in your garden and will come back in spring.

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Rosemary has leathery, needle-shaped leaves and blue to purplish-pink flowers. Depending on your variety, it can grow from 1 to 6 feet. But, the good thing about the rosemary plant, is that it can be clipped to keep a form that fits what you need, from those beautiful Southern city hedges to fitting properly in a container.

Rosemary is a kitchen herb staple that goes well with Italian and Mediterranean dishes. It can be infused into a simple turkey brine and other holiday dishes. It pairs well with poultry, pork, and fish. And it can be used in herbal breads, vinegars, oils, and butters. Rosemary makes a fragrant addition to potpourris and its essential oil can be used in bath products such as soaps and hair rinses.

In the garden, rosemary plants should be planted in full sun in an area with good soil and good drainage. Rosemary is not a fast grower from seed, so it’s better to buy it from the nursery as a plant. I like to buy mine early in the season so my plants get the best care early on and the benefits of a full growing season.

Healthy rosemary plants don’t get many pests or diseases, but plants in distress can be susceptible to scale, whiteflies, mealybugs, spider mites. Root rot is probably the easiest problem to prevent by making sure your rosemary plants aren’t overwatered and potted plants don’t sit with a saucer full of water. Herbs, such as rosemary, don’t like wet feet!

Keeping Rosemary Alive in Winter

Remember that the rosemary plant is native to the Mediterranean, so it likes cool mists that come off the ocean. This information is crucial to keeping your rosemary alive in winter. The key is the rosemary plant doesn’t like the hot, dry conditions of a heated home. Move your rosemary plant from the garden to a pot your rosemary plant in early fall, well before the first frost. Or, keep it in a pot all year;  just make sure your pot is deep. Make sure to add sand to your soil mix to promote good drainage. Through the cool months, keep your rosemary plant in a sunny window but make sure it’s in a cool area of your house away from heating vents. Make sure to keep your rosemary watered but not too much. Let it dry out a little before watering, but don’t let it dry out too much or your rosemary plant will die.

The key to successfully keeping potted rosemary plants alive in winter is to take them outside as much as possible. Once you pot your rosemary plant, let it stay out during days that are 40 degrees or above. I do this with my rosemary all winter only bringing it in at night and on days when the temperature drops below 40 degrees. This mimics that crucial Mediterranean environment and will keep your rosemary plant healthy and alive.

One quick note, rosemary can be quite decorative and you’ll find lots of rosemary plants clipped into a tree shape in stores at Christmas. These are beautiful and I recommend buying one but be careful to buy them early. A rosemary plant that’s been in a store for a while has likely not been cared for well. Since rosemary’s are evergreen, they may be dying, but you won’t see it right away. Once you get your fresh rosemary home, take it out of the decorative wrapper so water doesn’t linger when you water your plant. Most likely the place you’d like to display your plant is not the best place for its health, so keep your rosemary plant where it will thrive and then move it to its display place just before special occasions.

Using Rosemary around the Chicken Coop

You can plant rosemary around the coop or hang it in bundles inside the coop to keep away pests like mosquitoes, flies, and ants.

Rosemary is also good for respiratory health, not only for chickens but for bunnies and humans too. I sprinkle rosemary in my nest boxes and add it fresh and dried to my chicken’s feed. For my bunnies, I feed it to them directly. And for me, I like to make a rosemary tea. My favorite is to add some rosemary, along with other herbs, to water along with a couple tea bags and make sun tea by letting it steep for an afternoon outside.

Herbal Lore

Since rosemary is the herb of remembrance, it’s said that in ancient Greece, students would wear rosemary wreaths and necklaces to help them with exam success. Today rosemary is often used in herbal bouquets to convey meaning to its receiver. This is an ancient practice from medieval to Victorian times that has survived the years. In fact, I have my kids give their teachers a rosemary plant at the end of the school year. We include a little note with hopes their teachers remember the fun times they had over the school year.

Rosemary plants are one of my favorites. Do you like rosemary? What other herbs do you grow with it? Let us know in the comments below.

Exploring the Rosemary Plant was originally posted by All About Chickens

[josephkitchen0]

Exploring the Rosemary Plant

In the language of herbs, the rosemary plant is known for remembrance. And if you’ve ever smelled the fresh piney scent of a rosemary plant, it’s not likely something you’ll forget. This easy to grow and versatile herb is a must have for any garden herbs list.

Rosemary is an evergreen perennial herb that’s a member of the mint family and is native to the Meditteranean. In the United States, it’s grown as a perennial in warmer climes (zones 6 to 10). In fact, rosemary hedges grace the walkways of Charleston, South Carolina and many other Southern cities, year round. In the north, the rosemary plant is either treated as an annual or moved indoors into containers before the first frost. Growing rosemary in your garden isn’t like growing horseradish or other perennial herbs such as thyme and parsley,  that can be overwintered in your garden and will come back in spring.

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Rosemary has leathery, needle-shaped leaves and blue to purplish-pink flowers. Depending on your variety, it can grow from 1 to 6 feet. But, the good thing about the rosemary plant, is that it can be clipped to keep a form that fits what you need, from those beautiful Southern city hedges to fitting properly in a container.

Rosemary is a kitchen herb staple that goes well with Italian and Mediterranean dishes. It can be infused into a simple turkey brine and other holiday dishes. It pairs well with poultry, pork, and fish. And it can be used in herbal breads, vinegars, oils, and butters. Rosemary makes a fragrant addition to potpourris and its essential oil can be used in bath products such as soaps and hair rinses.

In the garden, rosemary plants should be planted in full sun in an area with good soil and good drainage. Rosemary is not a fast grower from seed, so it’s better to buy it from the nursery as a plant. I like to buy mine early in the season so my plants get the best care early on and the benefits of a full growing season.

Healthy rosemary plants don’t get many pests or diseases, but plants in distress can be susceptible to scale, whiteflies, mealybugs, spider mites. Root rot is probably the easiest problem to prevent by making sure your rosemary plants aren’t overwatered and potted plants don’t sit with a saucer full of water. Herbs, such as rosemary, don’t like wet feet!

Keeping Rosemary Alive in Winter

Remember that the rosemary plant is native to the Mediterranean, so it likes cool mists that come off the ocean. This information is crucial to keeping your rosemary alive in winter. The key is the rosemary plant doesn’t like the hot, dry conditions of a heated home. Move your rosemary plant from the garden to a pot your rosemary plant in early fall, well before the first frost. Or, keep it in a pot all year;  just make sure your pot is deep. Make sure to add sand to your soil mix to promote good drainage. Through the cool months, keep your rosemary plant in a sunny window but make sure it’s in a cool area of your house away from heating vents. Make sure to keep your rosemary watered but not too much. Let it dry out a little before watering, but don’t let it dry out too much or your rosemary plant will die.

The key to successfully keeping potted rosemary plants alive in winter is to take them outside as much as possible. Once you pot your rosemary plant, let it stay out during days that are 40 degrees or above. I do this with my rosemary all winter only bringing it in at night and on days when the temperature drops below 40 degrees. This mimics that crucial Mediterranean environment and will keep your rosemary plant healthy and alive.

One quick note, rosemary can be quite decorative and you’ll find lots of rosemary plants clipped into a tree shape in stores at Christmas. These are beautiful and I recommend buying one but be careful to buy them early. A rosemary plant that’s been in a store for a while has likely not been cared for well. Since rosemary’s are evergreen, they may be dying, but you won’t see it right away. Once you get your fresh rosemary home, take it out of the decorative wrapper so water doesn’t linger when you water your plant. Most likely the place you’d like to display your plant is not the best place for its health, so keep your rosemary plant where it will thrive and then move it to its display place just before special occasions.

Using Rosemary around the Chicken Coop

You can plant rosemary around the coop or hang it in bundles inside the coop to keep away pests like mosquitoes, flies, and ants.

Rosemary is also good for respiratory health, not only for chickens but for bunnies and humans too. I sprinkle rosemary in my nest boxes and add it fresh and dried to my chicken’s feed. For my bunnies, I feed it to them directly. And for me, I like to make a rosemary tea. My favorite is to add some rosemary, along with other herbs, to water along with a couple tea bags and make sun tea by letting it steep for an afternoon outside.

Herbal Lore

Since rosemary is the herb of remembrance, it’s said that in ancient Greece, students would wear rosemary wreaths and necklaces to help them with exam success. Today rosemary is often used in herbal bouquets to convey meaning to its receiver. This is an ancient practice from medieval to Victorian times that has survived the years. In fact, I have my kids give their teachers a rosemary plant at the end of the school year. We include a little note with hopes their teachers remember the fun times they had over the school year.

Rosemary plants are one of my favorites. Do you like rosemary? What other herbs do you grow with it? Let us know in the comments below.

Exploring the Rosemary Plant was originally posted by All About Chickens