#Le deuxième c'est Barbemole

[onaperduamedee]

Hi ! I know we never talked, and I don't want to hurt you even more by making you think about this more than necessary, so feel free to ignore me

I just read the addition you made to your post about WOT, and why it's so difficult for you to deal with the fandom and the whole situation rn, and I wanted to say thank you. You put into words what I feel, too, and it almost made me cry. The whole part about not letting it contaminate all the joy that came before and not destroy your creativity is exactly what I'm struggling with since Thursday, too, so thank you for saying it, I guess? I don't really have a point other than that, so yeah, just thank you, and I guess good luck for dealing with this whole mess ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Thank you very much for your message and for understanding. I'm so sorry you are in the same place because it is the most harrowing feeling in the world. It's such an incredibly lonely and useless sensation. It is one thing to be shocked by a show's decision, it's another to have that decision change the way you see the story and the fandom so profoundly that it rewrites your own history with said story. I have several WIPs I don't know what to do with because I was waiting for the finale to provide certain scenes for gifsets or drawings. 

It's like opening the fridge to make a dish you had bought all the ingredients for and discovering they are rotten. Did I use the crème fraîche yesterday? Were people sick? Now do I cook something else or try to run to the store although it's probably too late? 

I have so much stuff that I want to create still! Gifsets and doodles and metas! But who am I going to share that with? With fans who have always treated the queer characters like they were on borrowed times? Who have tolerated the presence of gay fans and now that those fans are upset they are to be reasoned with like children? Who wholeheartedly agree with the showrunner that there was never anything more to Siuan's story than this, Moiraine's tragic girlfriend? I would feel silly to share my art with that knowledge. 

Ultimately what I mourn most profoundly is the loss of the community. I always knew some fractures were deep; they are inherent to fandoms and can never be mended. But for a moment, while the show had two lesbians as part of the main romances, it seemed like the corner in which gay fans are generally confined was not a corner but the whole playground. It felt miraculous to know that Moiraine would have a powerful arc as Rand's mentor and Siuan, in a smaller capacity, would go on to weave a brilliant tale about resilence with Egwene. But it was never part of the deal.

The deal was that the apotheosis of Siuan's story would be death, and their happy ending will likely happen in death. And most of the fandom is fine with that, while I cannot find it in me to be.

I don't really have an answer against that rotting feeling and the way it is making me question my enjoyment of past interactions. I guess I will retreat to more private spaces for sharing my art and thoughts because I cannot stop creating and talking about this universe that means still so much to me. But as I said, the show and its fandom have been tainted and perhaps it will clear out with time.

For now, there's just a lot of love I don't know what to do with. 

So I'm really glad you reached out because it does make me feel less alone to find other creators stuck in this in-between, shallow quicksand that refuses to let go or swallow the light entirely. I hope you find something a way out of it as well. Thank you ❤️