#LONG whinge but we're done girlies its 10am i need to sleep or eat

[gayspock]

dont rb its simply little emo moments for yourself truly

mm. thought of eating makes me feel ill. cant take my meds on an empty stomach or i get faint&dizzy. shouldn’t keep screwing with meds like this & unsure of wht brought it all on. bc nothins happened. and i wasnt doin so badly - at least, with regards to that  - for the past while, but gggod... rn i feel like cryin , dont wnt to stomach anythin. the idea of puttin anythin in my mouth makes me wanna gag or sob. and im bein irrational, ik i am. mmhm. but also idk.

also just feelin v passively sad and deeply lonely. nothin new but idk. hum hum. u kno how u phase in and out... different manners of being miserable. sometimes its all meltdowns and whatnot AND sometimes its all spacey. idk ive been something approximating the latter for the past while but also, notably lucid the past few hours. like it’s all unreal and yet there’s those moments of like... immense awareness, but like it’s from a different perspective kinda vibe u kno? man, u kno the vibe. like tht vibe. and idk the vibe of tht is: not meltin down in a big bold and sexy way but fuckn god. sombre reflection or whotever... metaphorically taking yourself between your fingers with a loupe- the inspection, and passin judgement. letting yourself FEEL that self-hatred, in the detached manner. you know wht i mean. THAT kinda night, girlies. like oh i hate myself. class act. i hate myself well. and truly i do and i sincerely do wish i was not alive- kinda feeling... and the sentiment is devoid of emotion: instead its all rationale and realities that you thumb through that are objectionable. clinical assessment of youre a fucking failure and how little you can do . hopelessness but no need to wallow in hopelessness because it’s self-perpetuating and its time to just sit with it all and just kinda loathe your own existence ... puarely because there’s nowt to be done , my girls. nowt at all but the You Know What. contemplating. its so senseless to keep going . you know how it is. in objective terms .

dont know. hate myself. fuckn wish i was dead innit.  wish there were succinct ways of sayin it. unsure of whether it actually matters if there are, but sometimes just doesnt feel like sayin hate myself is enough. sometimes want words of brevity that still resound with... the depth of that. you know what i mean. im not good at shite like that, but im not good at any shite. feel hopeless feel empty feel so blank and like empty space- not even in an absence sense, but in an nonexisting sense- and what little substance there is is what... existing in farfetched realities , weird-ass fuckin fantasy and even in that im still a void but there’s some colour you know wht i mean. maybe context. or maybe i AM an empty space, an absence, as opposed to just nothing. like, i dont think i can indulge in idea where someone would love me or where i was good at something  or there was fulfilment but there are just ... thoughts sometimes and dreams where its like: im as miserable and as stupid and as useless as i am but im not always confined to blank walls and silence as i have been for too long but there’s situation around me and i hate it still- god i hate it still - and its empty still and its meaningless.

and i dont know. people who are sad - other people who are sad - always seem to have this  yearning or longing in A sense do you know what i mean and i know its skewed i recognise its inherently a biased perspective . that only the people who are sad, and who Want, will talk about wanting because otherwise there would be nothing to say and so those to the contrary are naturally silent but also. do you know wht i mean .. i wish i was Sad in a way that was tragic and felt like a demand of something , that i was sad in a way that made me Sad for the fact i was lonely or sad that i was inadequate and i wish that sadness could manifest into something, like the idea of poetry and writing and a sadness with not a purpose but with a personality but i dont know with the years that go by. void and whatnot. i dont know what i want and i keep approaching things, thinking maybe this is it, but then i think its just the idea of it that traps me. the idea of maybe wanting something until that breaks down and i realise i dont want it at all. does it make sense. mourn the loss of not achieving only to realise i dont know if i even wanted to. i dont want any of it.  i cant talk to anyone any more and sometimes i think to myself “god i had such a big personality- not even when i was younger, but maybe even 4 years ago” and i dont know if i ever did i still cant tell how much is me just spinning wheels out of necessity . i know i overcompensate way too much sometimes when im a little freaked out as to how to act but even that isnt so much POSSIBLE these days but sometimes it is but then that makes the starkness of it all so much more... stark when u go from dead silence, incapble of even pretending to want to talk to want to Exist, to the fuckn ceaseless empty word vomit . spinning wheels. spinning plates? idk. idk how to talk to someone normally and im 21 in a week , and i dont mean in terms of anxiety, i simply just cant find anything within myself of substance and i truly am too too tired to keep at it, to keep it going, to keep overcompensating and forcing a presence . its exhausting it isnt sustainable and its why i cant even do it any more i think  . i dont kno wht i am and whatnot u know wht i mean. i cant keep goin like this is all i know. i dont want anything. and its sincerely not worth it to keep living for nothing. it just isnt. im sick of my existence. exhausted with the hopelessness. hmm. im rambling and going everywhere all at once i believe.