#LIKE YEAH ID PROBABLY STILL END UP EATING A LOT OF MICROWAVED STUFF CAUSE OF LIKE. DEPRESSION AND ALL THAT BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE CHOICE!

[ohio-thestate]

I have an unending hatred for those microwave dinners like why are the bbq ones the only ones that taste like anything

"spaghetti and meatballs" oh you mean starch noodles with tomato water and flavorless pieces of meat?

[secretshinigami]

all right, here goes nothing

Author: @hazblogs For: @weneedtotalkaboutdeathnote Pairings/Characters: Mello/Matt, Mello/Near, Mello, Near, Matt, L Rating/Warnings: T, mention of dermatillomania Prompt: An Au where L defeated Kira, grew older, and basically disappeared. Older Mello (mid 20sish, now a detective) follows a lead that takes him to the washed up L. Author’s Notes: nyello !!!!! after all this time i’m very proud to announce that my gift is here !!! i really hope you like it and that everyone else will too. i had lots of fun !!! have a good day everyone

The recorder makes some shitty ass noise before working, but that’s all xe has, so xe makes it work.

All right, here goes nothing.

“I never imagined I would be alive to tell you this. From the most crack ass place of the Earth, nowhere in Argentina, here’s Mello, also known as the second fucking best detective in the world, and I’m here to report on-”

There’s some background bang that makes xem stop. Xe rereads xer intro one last time, waiting for the noise to subside, and then, xe gives up and gets out that crap laptop from xer backpack and starts typing again. The room is dimly lit, and moss grows on the exposed beams, there are probably termites eating at them.

If xe’s right about this, it could be the most important discovery in the detective world since the fall of Kira.

It’s been… twelve years or so. Mello still remembers what xe did when the news broadcast announced that Light Yagami was dead (xe was cat-fighting Matt for a place closer to the TV) and xe remembers the intolerable feeling of dread that seized xem. “That’s it. We’re all useless now,” was what xe thought, and it’s been half disproved by the years, but the feeling lingers.

Something is making noise again, an awful lot of noise, and – fuck, someone is trying to break in again, aren’t they. Mello grabs xer crowbar and directs a lazy but wary gaze towards the door. It finally flings open, and. Oh yeah. It’s Matt.

“Mells, fuck you,” he says without missing a beat, “I’ve been under the rain for like, fifteen minutes, couldn’t you just come and see who was trying to enter ?”

“Easier to let ‘em come and take ‘em out when they’re already in. That way I don’t get wet,” Mello answers, and Matt makes an indignant noise of protest, before giving up entirely and walking away to shower.

The little house they’re renting on the Argentinian coast is big enough to have three rooms, and they’ve been staying there for some days now, thanks to Wammy’s insufferable donations. Not that they couldn’t afford it by xemself but xe’s been… spending xer money, lately. More than usual.

Matt is back half an hour later, naked – because he knows Mello fucking hates it – and he lingers on the back of the couch long enough to peep at what Mello is typing, before getting a new set of clothes. It’s not exactly warm inside, though it’s far from freezing, and xe sits tightly wrapped in a blanket.

“Any new stuff ?” Matt asks.

“Nope,” xe says, and xe sighs. The leads have been cold for a little while now, not long enough for it to despair, but enough to make xem worry xe is losing track of xer most important witnesses. Though, it’s been weeks since xe has been on that case, and it’s been nothing but one cold shoulder after the other.

“Gimme that computer and go get something to eat,” Matt ends up saying around dinner time, and xe knows it’s only to read more of this… second novel, if you can call it that. Xe isn’t a good writer by any means, though xe thinks xe got better over the years, and this is only a shitty first draft, full of plot bunnies and incoherent rambling. Matt should also not be allowed to read anything on xer newest lead, until xe knows for sure it’s not a sham. Last time was enough.

They end up shutting the laptop off, squeezing both their asses on the small couch, and eating microwave chili with a single spoon. Two adult-sized kids, grown up too fast, looking for old gods under the rain.

My first lead was a woman named Naomi Misora. If you’ve read my previous work, you should know about her – she is the one who helped L solve the Los Angeles BB murder case. She died during the Kira case, however her suicide note contained deeply important information revealed that she had try to contact L before she died. What prevented her ? What are the circumstances of her death ? It seems that her husband Raye Penber was one of the FBI agents sent to chase Kira in Japan, and that after his death she simply wouldn’t go on living decided to commit suicide for an unknown reason. This is not consistent with the person L had described to me, which is why I went to such great lengths to get this letter from her living relatives.

I was disappointed not surprised at the contents of the letter. She did not have any information about where L could be, and hadn’t been contacted by him after the BB murder case, even though she had quit the FBI to become a consultant and eventually a stay at home fiancée. She did manage to mention, though, that she met several people, through the course of her career as a consultant, that claimed to have been helped by L.

This is where my investigation begins.

“So you say you have no idea why L helped you ?” Mello asks, slightly bored. And infuriated. And close to getting up and walking away from this shitplace.

The old woman lives in a hole-in-the-wall, next to a supermarket and a church, and probably only leaves her crappy residence to go to both those locations. Her house is however surprisingly decorated with a fully reconstructed human skull.

Mello would like to insist on the “reconstructed” part – it appears to have been smashed in a hundred pieces, and glued back together before being varnished. It has long since turned yellow, and will probably crumble at the lightest touch. Xe won’t try to grab it, though holding a supposedly real human skull has its charm.

“I don’t, young lady,” she answers, and Mello has to stifle a laugh – it’s been a while since people mistook xem for a girl, but xe guesses the long hair is a disguise enough. “I simply know my husband died in his boat and next, I was contacted by this old woman on the phone who said the greatest detective in the world would like to help.”

Her husband was killed by the English military for getting too close to the Falklands with (as they said to her, after L’s investigation) threatening weaponry: a fishing rod, five knives and a standard rifle. She is the last person to have heard from L in an investigation context, and her help is invaluable. Mello can’t help but feel absolutely cheated.

This is what L was doing ? Seven years ago, before his unofficial retiring, helping this old woman solve the death of a husband she was the only one to mourn was probably the last thing on his mind. Why do it then ?

Matt thinks he knows what this is about. He thinks, and Mello is directly quoting him there, “that you’re looking for L because you never solved any-fucking-thing that he couldn’t have solved, and if you manage to outsmart him, then maybe for once you’ll stop being a bitter little bitch”. Touché, xe had thought, but also, fuck you.

An hour later, Mello exits the house with the feeling that xe is a tiny step closer to unravelling the truth. Xe has a clue – an address in southern Italy. It’s no longer useful to stay in Argentina, thankfully, the weird winter was starting to get on xer nerves. Matt will probably be happy he can go back to England now that his tracking devices aren’t needed.

Xe just hopes this isn’t another false hope.

I went to the police department of Los Angeles looking for the archives of the BB murder case. One of the things Beyond Birthday requested during his stay was a speech-to-text device that he could use with his damaged arms, presumably to write his memoirs. What if there were clues as to L’s whereabouts ? Anything about his past that could get me to where he is now ?

A few days in, I realised my mistake. The memoirs were a series of names and numbers, accompanied with notes as to what appeared to be a suspected cause of death. Most of the names at the beginning I did not know, but for some pages there was a list I recognised as the birthnames of Wammy orphans. This deduction I was able to make seeing my name and Matt’s – and one name I guessed was Near’s. L’s real name, is L.

L Lawliet.

This name was supposed to be my biggest lead – even my former place of residence could be tracked down using my birthname, which is the reason why I keep it a secret, and the Kira investigation showed the importance of this secrecy.

There is nothing, not a single clue, tying L back to his name. He has, for all intents and purposes, no existence under the name Lawliet as I have none under mine, we are for all society but black holes with no ID numbers.

At first comforting, the thought came to be troubling. What if we don’t exist.

The town has its charm, xe have to admit. Matera is a small-ish city looking down on a gorgeous landscape, that has nothing to envy to the beauty of Rome and its cathedrals. It feels… so foreign, so fucking weird, to imagine L sitting at the terrace of café eating ice-cream.

He probably isn’t even here. He probably set never foot in this town. Mello is probably knocking on the door of some stranger right now, and the person opening definitely isn’t someone xe has seen before.

“Cosa posso fare per te, signorina?” asks an old lady with an incredible wig and hands that could definitely strangle a chicken. She seems partially deaf from the way she angles her head, so Mello takes on his strongest normal voice to answer, “Un giovane uomo vive qui?”

“Maestro L, qualcuno ti sta chiamando !” she yells back, and xe has to do a double take to make sure xe didn’t mishear.

L.

He’s here.

A man in his thirties, with dark bags under his eyes. Standing hunched, almost like he’s afraid. Biting on his thumb, and looking at xem without any spark in his eyes.

After all this time looking for him, Mello doesn’t know what to say.

“Cosa vuoi, Laetitia,” he asks eventually, eyeing Mello with deep-seated fatigue.

“La signorina qui ti sta chiedendo,” the old woman answers, and she leaves without giving xem another glance.

They spend a minute or so looking at each other, trying to decide who will make the first move. L looks ready to slam the door in xer face, and his eyes are still so fucking empty – it’s almost frightening.

“Wait,” Mello eventually says as L reaches for the doorknob.

“What do you want,” he asks, voice deeper than xe remembers. “I’m not letting any clients in.”

“I’m not a client,” xe says petulantly, forgetting about the world around them. For a moment xe is thirteen again, looking up at L with stars in xer eyes and wondering what they did to deserve meeting him.

“Do I know you ?” L says, almost wondering aloud. “Your face looks familiar.”

This snatches the words out of Mello’s mouth. So… he doesn’t remember xem. Has xe changed that much ? Xe doesn’t think so, and even then, it’s L xe is talking about, he would remember xer face had he seen xem an infant.

What is happening ?

A thousand pleas die on xer tongue.

L sighs, and closes the door.

I don’t even fucking know what to write in here. This is entry 37 of this journal and I have absolutely nothing to write because L has gone insane and isn’t recognising me and he locked the door in my face. I don’t know if I’m furious or scared or just super tired of it all.

It was so useless in the end I can’t even believe I thought it’d be useful.

Mello hates xemself for not thinking about what xe would do in case this failed.

Well. Rather, in case this succeeded. What did xe think would go on ? A familial reunion ? Talk about a cliché. That would never happen, not with L as xe knew him, so… what exactly was xe hoping for ?

When xe is in doubt, xer first reflex is to call Matt. He always knows what to say, but right now, Mello needs something else (xe can hear him, drawling voice and all, “What did you expect, Mells, just give it up”. This is not what xe needs right now).

Xe calls Near.

Xe forgot xe had his number, but xe does, and it rings once before Near answers the call.

“It’s five in the morning, Mello.” ‘What the fuck’ is implied but not said, and xe appreciates the efforts Near makes not to get on xer nerves.

“You’re in Japan, I forgot.” Xe didn’t. “I…”

“You found him. Matt told me.” Near’s voice is small, tired and still somehow bored, but he knows how important this is for xem, so he settles back on whatever chair he was in and probably starts twirling his hair, a habit he never grew out of.

“He’s a complete dumbass,” Mello seethes. Xe can’t help it, it all goes pouring out. “He didn’t recognise me. And before you tell me it’s something he came up with so I’d leave him alone, no, he really didn’t. I could see it. He really fucking didn’t know who I was, Near. He looked at me like he’d never seen me before and he asked if he knew me. I can’t do it, Near, fuck. I don’t know what I wanted out of this but…”

“But that’s not it,” Near quietly adds, “yeah, I understand.” He heaves a sigh, before going on. “I knew he lived there.”

For a split second, Mello’s vision whites out with fury. “What the fuck. I spent weeks on this.”

Near sighs again. “And what for ? You didn’t even get a pat on the back.” Scratching sounds, the ruffling of white pyjamas, a yawn. “Sorry, that was rude,” Near says, not sounding sorry at all. “I know how important this was for you. Maybe you should try to go back, see if now he recognises you. His memory can’t be that bad.”

Mello huffs haughtily, not ready to admit defeat and make the first step. L will reach him if he wants to. Which is fucking never.

Xe doesn’t know if xe is ok with that.

Maybe Near is right.

“Ok, say I contact him. What do I even say,” Mello asks.

“You try and make friends, I thought you were good at it. Say you’re a fan. That’s not too far off the truth.”

Near has to be joking. A fan ? Xe would literally rather die. Once again Mello is submerged by the hopelessness xe felt when Kira died. In truth, xe knew Near would survive this. Near would prevail because he was godless, had no icons, no one to look up to. This battle of giants was not what his life had at stake.

Mello on the other hand, would stay in L’s shadow all xer life. Had, actually. Second rate detective, xe was, if xe was honest with xemself.

Fuck.

“I’ll just.” It’s Mello’s turn to sigh. “I’ll just let you sleep, Near,” xe says. “Thanks for listening to me.” This does not leave a bitter taste on xer tongue at all. “I’ll catch you later so you can tell me about stuff.”

“I didn’t even know you had my number,” he answers, “you’re probably blocking me right after this call.”

“Yeah, right,” Mello says. “Fucking true. Still. Have fun or whatever. You’ll pay me back for not telling me where he lives.”

“I have,” Near cryptically says, and he hangs up.

The doorbell rings.

I have received a package from a friend a business acquaintance, containing pictures and files about what L has done since retiring seven years ago. It is filled with mundane things such as crumpled grocery receipts, pictures of L sleeping in various locations and orders to have a giant washing machine built in his new house. What for I don’t know, since L barely seems to change clothes.

One thing that struck me was the date of Watari’s death. It was eight years ago, and he apparently died in his sleep of natural causes. I wonder how L took it. It must have had an impact on L’s detective abilities, as the Kira case was to my knowledge the only one where he revealed his face to associates during the case instead of speaking through the phone or through Watari. Had he found ways to interact with the world outside of his comfortable little bubble ?

It doesn’t seem like it. Barely a year after Watari’s death, L was ceasing all detective activity on international soil, solving only one minor police squabble in Wales before retiring to this little town in Italy. Did he lose his mind most of his field of action because of Watari’s death ?

I have another theory. L got bored. He stopped his detective work out of sheer fatigue, tired of never facing a foe as formidable as Kira. Tired of the never-ending squabbles for glory humans have, when he tasted the power of a wannabe god. No one will be as interesting to him as Kira and this destroyed him.

I know this because no one will be as interesting to me as L and

Xe stays in Matera for a little while. Not purposefully trying to cross L’s path, but not avoiding him either, rather, staying in this grey (dark) area where xe avidly goes to every place L might have been seen at times of the day he might be there, while telling xemself xe is totally not hoping they’ll meet. They kind of try to cross his path, ok.

Near’s pictures prove to be faithful. L can be seen helping Laetitia, his babysitter (for lack of a better word), do grocery shopping, or perusing market stalls. He can be seen drinking coffee on the little plaza and – this surprises Mello a great deal – going to church. Xe had never pegged L as a religious guy, not in the same sense as xem, but he doesn’t seem to go there out of devotion rather than out of the compulsive need to get out of the house as much as possible.

Near’s pictures also are useful, inasmuch as Mello is not surprised to see L gnawing at his fingers, pulling at his hair, scratching his leg over his jeans until it bleeds. He has dark circles under his eyes, worse than before, and the light in his room almost never goes off. He barely eats anything other than candy, though Mello sees Laetitia coax him into buying a sweet potato, something she does often judging by how easily L cedes to her demands, and… Mello thinks he gets a clearer picture.

Never meet your idols if you’re not ready to see them crumble under your baffled eyes, xe thinks bitterly.

There’s no point in staying in Matera any longer after xe realises this. Xe leaves at dusk, because xe loves a good theatrical exit. The only thing xe is not sure of is where to go. Matt says he’s busy but that his house is open, Near’s number is long gone from xer contact list – not that xe doesn’t know it by heart, but it’s the symbolic gesture that counts.

Xe errs here and there, going back to Wales for a short while before leaving for Sudan. Xe spends weeks there working on unveiling some of the horrors of the civil war, excruciating work that xe is not sure xe will ever do again. Months pass. Summer turns into autumn, and into winter again, like in Argentina.

Xe receives a message.

It’s from Near. He’s asking for advice. Which isn’t strange, he’s done that before, but Mello never answered and just changed xer number, though that never seemed to stop him.

This time, Mello answers.

There’s nothing like losing someone to make sure you’ll remember those who stay.