#LATER i'm gonna try working on some more drafts and maybe even throw in an open for this lil guy since

[mythvoiced]

-. LOOK AT MY DARLING BABY

that's it, when i'm back, i'm subjecting y'all to a new muse too, also i vowed to myself i'm gonna be so annoying from now on, mwah ♥

[chameleonspell]

HTDC commentary - 1: numb

[Looking back at HTDC after nearly ten years: comments on lore, character notes, influences, art, whatever. May contain spoilers for later chapters.]

chapter text: 1: numb

This chapter has had the most edits over time, as my writing skills increased, and I got ever more annoyed at the state of the opening, which ought not to be the worst writing in the fic, if I wanted anyone to stick around. It still needs work, but I was not made of infinite energy. I largely just tried to improve what was already there, rather than do what I really ought to have done, which is do some proper scene-setting. None of the early chapters have much in the way of description, especially of places. I was very much working on the principle that it was fanfic, and the whole point of fanfic was that I didn't need to do that. My assumed reader was intimately familiar with Seyda Neen, because my assumed reader was myself. I was absolutely writing only the bits I enjoyed writing, which was dialogue.

I'm still torn on the first paragraph, because in trying to make it more interesting, I mostly only succeeded in making it florid and purple. The reason I let it stand is because of a favourite excuse of mine for slightly ridiculous writing - it accurately reflects the mental state of the protagonist, i.e. tangled and confused. I will use this excuse again.

(See, maybe there's no description because Iriel's really out of it, and can't register anything! Bad writing is diegetic if the characters are having a bad time!)

Iriel was dragged

Not the exact wording of the original first-draft opening line, but I edited it in for symmetry, after I wrote the last words of the last chapter ("Iriel moved forwards").  Which was, according to an email I sent at the time, in June 2015, so less than three months after I wrote the first words? That seems crazy. I do remember writing a first draft of the ending chapter quite early on, but... that early? Gosh.

When I say I wrote the ending three months after the beginning, I mean that I ONLY wrote the ending. I then spent two more years, filling in the 198 chapters in between.

The contrasting significance of the beginning and ending lines was expanded from something Philip Pullman said about making sure the first and last words of His Dark Materials were both "Lyra", because it's her story, and she encompasses it.

the guard had seized the elf by his bony wrist

A running theme of Iriel's physical trauma triggers: grab him by the wrist and he's liable to shut down completely. A jail thing, of course - make sure the magic user can't cast spells.

His bare toes snagged between the planks of the jetty

Every time I read this, I flinch, and feel the exact sensation, because it is such a terrible, terrible sensation. I know I do worse things to Iriel later, but I might hate this one the most.

Oh gods. Come on, Ire.

Many people have told me they found they were pronouncing Iriel wrong, when they read him sound it phonetically in chapter 90: "Iriel. Eye-ree-el." I can see their point, but in that case, I want to know how they were pronouncing "Ire", the shortening he gives, right at the start! Which is an English word, pronounced like the Ire in Ireland, so I hoped that implied the pronunciation of Iriel

Regarding Iriel's name: I chose it because it was visually short, having a lot of long, thin letters in it, and I liked the symmetry of the capital I and the lower-case L at the end. The shortened version, Ire, is even more featherweight, barely more than a pronoun. This is a real boon for a protagonist name that's gonna turn up in almost every sentence - you can throw it in a lot, for clarity, and it doesn't look awkward. 

I think I found it in a name list on uesp.net, and I don't think it was specifically feminine-coded at the time? ESO was only just out, so I refuse to be blamed for things it added to canon, such as two female NPCs called Iriel. My personal headcanon is that it's a unisex Altmeri name and the first i is pronounced short when it's feminine, and long when it's masculine. In his not-strictly-canon tumblr bookclub with @quickchangeartist's OC Moraelyn, Iriel says of his name:

P.S. i rolled my eyes gently at your “dear little bird” bit, but did you actually know my name is avian-derived, or was that an adorable accident? an iriel is a very pretty but sadly extinct type of finch (I am less pretty, but also less dead, a condition with which i am (on good days) content.) My mother selected the name in order to make me more matrimoniably palatable to her bird-mad noble friend. So mercenary

Iriel’s eyes jittered from surface to surface. “I was in the hold! I didn’t see anything! I don’t know anything about boats! I mean, the sail’s clearly square-rigged, but a brig should have at least two masts, I really have no idea what you’d call it, I didn’t get a chance to examine, I… I was in the hold. I don’t know anything.

In draft one, all Ire said was that he didn't know anything about boats. Then I reread it later, when it had been established that Iriel's dad was a fisherman, Iriel knows how to sail a simple boat, has absorbed a fair amount of nautical terminology, and, in general, KNOWS ABOUT BOATS! Which, I have to warn you, from a writer's perspective, is a fucking terrible thing to have your character know about. The research is a nightmare. Never have a character know anything about boats!

Anyway, I decided it was much funnier if he reeled off a bunch of technical stuff about boats, while still claiming he didn't know anything about them, because... he's just that confused? His reflexive paranoid guilt makes him deny knowledge under questioning on general principle? He doesn't think of himself as someone who knows about boats, in comparison to his dad? Yes.

someone a head taller than he was

I forget at what point I established Iriel's precise height. He's 6'4", which is below average, for an Altmer, but tall for Morrowind, a shift of identity and perspective he never quite adjusts to.

“Oh. Well… my name is Iriel of Lillandril. Which is far too many Is and Ls in one name, and really, you’d think my parents would’ve known better. We Altmer use loconymics, as I’m sure you know, so–”

Again, I chose Lillandril more or less at random from the Summerset map, based on it having a lot of Is and Ls, which felt right, all tall and Altmery, and a little bit ridiculous. Say it three times fast and you're basically yodelling. Later, I established Lillandril as Fantasy Wales, accent-wise, which made it even better.

ESO might have since established something different with Altmer surnames, lore-wise, but I don't know or care. Loconymics (being named for the place you come from) seem the norm for Altmer in Morrowind, and I like that.

I made up "loconymic", though googling now, there are other uses. I probably should have used toponym, as loconym is a greek-latin mix, which is bad practice. But I wanted a word for "named after a place" where the meaning was easily inferrable, without knowing either Greek or Latin, and "locus" is more familiar from words like "location" than "topos" is. I was trying to keep my linguistic technobabble vaguely intelligible!

In the very first draft, Iriel claimed he was a foundling in this line mentioning his parents, which was my attempt to stick to the exact terms of the whole Morrowind "uncertain parentage" thing. But I very quickly retconned it, realising there was far more mileage in having Iriel know he was connected by blood to his parents, and all the Altmeri angst he has over that. Only the first of many, many in-game "facts" I decided to bend or outright contradict! But it took me a while to realise I was allowed to do that, now, that I didn't have to keep to canon, as long as everything hangs together. In this case, I justified it later, by saying that the Empire had recorded Iriel as having unknown parents, because that's what he told them when he was arrested, in a futile attempt to prevent his family finding out.

pale-gold Altmer face, amber eyes and soft brown hair.

I had read something that advised writers to give hot, fiery angry characters warm colouration, and cold, reserved characters cool colouration, and I thought that was stupid. Iriel's not exactly cold (just numb), but Altmer in general are seen as cold, especially in contrast to fire-themed Dunmer, and... anyway, I wanted a warm-toned Altmer, because why not? Amber eyes is pretty, but not extravagantly so. I didn't want him to be exceptional, in any way - he's someone who can easily vanish from sight and memory, after all. So, he gets the most "boring" hair colour, mouse brown, which I have a soft spot for.

@Sinilakki sent me a picture very soon after I posted this chapter, and I was delighted, because clearly my limited physical description had worked - it was perfect. My first ever picture of Iriel, and it's still one of my absolute favourites.

“You are male, aren’t you? Hard to tell with you elves.” Ire racked his addled brain for the sort of lacerating response he would have given to that, in better days, but failed miserably.

The first thing to produce an actual spark of defiance in Iriel, even if he doesn't manage to act on it. Ire's experiences of Imperials having offensive ideas about elven gender will reoccur, once he's in a fit state to lecture about it.

Ire squeaked, and shifted as best he could, stumbling towards the door and struggling with the handle until it finally obeyed him.

All this is so early Pratchett, isn't it? Rincewind, but younger and gayer. Make a wet, nervous wizard and give him problems.

previous: 0: intro next: 2: labels

[emblazons]

i'm struggling to see how the script has anything in our favour... pls give me a hand you're my fav st blog and i always reread your posts when i have doubts but nothing is working rn lol

Okay—first off, and probably most importantly: scripts are not law. You cannot and should not take the script more seriously than anything you see on screen, given that its more a starting document that has to be edited and brought to life, not the show in and of itself.

Taking what is in a script and saying "oh no, we lost because THE SCRIPT said" would be like your professor throwing out your final paper, pulling out one of your earlier rough drafts, and saying "THIS is what I need to take most seriously and grade for concepts and final ideation...rather than their final product," with all your incomplete notions, underdeveloped concepts, and even things you realize later didn't work for making your final (actual) points included...which is what people are doing when they take a script more seriously than what they see on screen.

Just like it would make no goddamn sense to do that with an essay, so there's no reason to do it with a script....ESPECIALLY when we know that The Duffers are 1) more collaborative than a lot of creators (there are some directors where the script is law...Matt & Ross just aren't those directors), 2) there are quite literal obvious changes that happened between script and screen between The Piggyback script and The Piggyback itself, and 3) WRITING is not the medium this story is being told in—its television and film.

Scripts should only ever been looked at for the sake of understanding the starting concepts and ideas that M&R were trying to convey + learning their style/tone of writing, given that what was on that page eventually evolved through collaboration & editing to better convey a more cohesive, thematically comprehensive and even complex story on the screen (and the several mediums other than writing that make up a show that aren't writing) itself. Period full stop.

NOW. (cut because image heavy/script breakdown)

Maybe i'm just inoculated to any true doubt at this point, but: I fail to see what happened in this script that we didn't already know? Or...what would inspire so much doubt?

If its about the monologue, we knew already that Mike said he loved her, and if you read the script back in the version we got...El was literally pale, covered in blood, and losing consciousness as Mike was speaking...and holding onto his words like a lifeline because that's what you do when you're being choked to death. The cues in the moments around what Mike says make that clear as day:

Trying to imagine this scene holds any romantic connotations (in the form in the script, because, again, the script is not what ended up on screen) with these cues is like saying someone drowning in a pool wouldn't cling to the words of person trying to save them from the water, or "find strength" to keep trying to live...even if that person was a stranger.

There's nothing inherently romantic about holding onto someone like a lifeline, which is what this script delineates El doing...with a complete absence of positive "romantic" connotations in her or Mike's (or even ANYONE ELSE'S) responses to what's going on in the moment. Everybody literally thinks she's gonna die—and Mike is just saying whatever motivational thing he thinks is gonna get her to use her powers to stop herself from dying...after Will encourages him to use his leadership ability to help her out.

That...is what happened, both in the script and on screen (though the screen version is arguably WAY worse for romantic mlvn...which is a "good" thing if you choose phrase it like that)—

—and given that we have not one, but two different "romantic (or sexual) tension" moments written in this script as well, its really clear that the intention of the monologue was different than the others.

Even the scene where Argyle calls mike "Romeo" is more romantic-coded than that little monologue...and instead of lovebirds who get their moment like Lucas and Max, we immediately cut to Will being sad about it, which means we weren't allowed to just be happy about their little "flirty" moment anyway.

....like? This is just an ask so I'm not gonna go hard in on it (or comb over 127 pages again) but??? If the script gave you any doubt over what we've spent an entire year breaking down the show itself, the most important thing you can do is put it back in its correct context.

We're fine. Nothing changed. Everything is the same as it was yesterday morning, the canon of the show is still the canon, and the release of this was a rough ideation draft shared for the Emmys and not the final product we all drew our conclusions from.

I just. I guess I hope that helps you lmao. Also, I probably won't be doing any further breakdowns of this script though I did already pull some things I enjoyed before.

Thanks for the ask!

[jhilsara]

Ooooh, those notes were super inciteful, I love that it goes at a slower pace and isn't just a copy of the original. I smell an enemies to lover's trope brewing and I'm living for it! If you want to provide more notes, that would be super cool! But again, it's totally up to you<3

Thank you for reading it! It makes me happy you enjoyed it even though it's just some draft notes. Anyway here is pt. 2- Again this has not been proof read,,, I just word vomit on the doc then clean it up later also I now have MC in place of Mika... I was debating on doing y/n with this or not.

She’s bonded with all the boys in one way, except Sam.

Damien and Matthew were easy. They loved the human world and wanted to know so much. They also just had bright personalities and were eager to finally meet Howard’s granddaughter.

The three of them had done many things together. Movie nights, video games, going out to the mall or a bar. She even introduced her friends to them one night.

Explaining her situation to her friends was wild. Too many prying eyes and a story she tried to keep straight.

They were a group hired by her grandfather to travel around to do research for his company. He had offered his home in exchange for some elderly care.

MC said her grandfather always was an odd bird.

With some demon power help her friends believed it.

Erik and MC go shopping a lot. Erik, she learned was into fashion. He was also great at sewing. He worked full time as a seamstress in a local shop.

They also were very into RuPaul’s Drag Race and watched it every Friday.

They’ve been to the local drag shows and have tipped GENEROUSLY.

James has been planning the reveal/debut of him as CEO with MC. Their plan was for the very beginning of May. Invitations had been sent out and RSVPs were coming back. Including a few news outlets.

Including her father.

James reassured her he wouldn’t touch her. But her father’s words were always more painful than any hit.

Sam was… illusive.

He avoided her like a plague. She mostly saw him at family dinners and grocery shopping he never missed.

Honestly it kind of hurt her feelings.

The next time they needed to go grocery shopping all of the boys were busy except for Sam. So, they had to be alone.

The car ride -silence and awkward Buying food, Sam took half the list and left her. She was in the freezer section contemplating depression ice cream when he came back with his half of the list. “Are you not done yet?” his tone accusing. “No, I am.” She sighs. “Just thinking about something for me to veg out with later.” He quirks a brow. “isn’t ice cream like, I don’t know, sad food?” She nods. S I L E N C E crickets if you will She grabs a pint of lemon custard. “Lemon custard?” Sam She side eyes him. “Yes. It’s my favorite. I’m not big on many other flavors.” “Don’t people usually get like chocolate when they’re sad?” Sam She rolls her eyes and puts her ice cream in the cart and starts pushing. “I like lemon custard. I didn’t know I was gonna get grilled for my depression ice cream.” “I’m not grilling you!” He groans throwing his head back pushing his cart. “I’m trying to have conversation…” He mumbles. She whips herself around in irritation, “Then why didn’t you just stay and shop with me? Or why did you literally say nothing in the car? You’ve had opportunities. OR MAYBE the million times you’ve avoided me?!” Sam steps back, furrows his brows, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She takes a deep breath and turns back. “Just forget it, let’s check out.” She can feel him fuming next to her as they check out and pay for their groceries and loading them into the car. Once inside the car he presses her again. “What did you mean inside?” he all but snaps at her. “Exactly what it sounds like Sam. You avoid me. All the time! So, I find it hard to believe you when you say you’re trying to start conversation when there have been better opportunities to talk to me.” Sam opens his mouth but keeps shutting it. He can’t really argue with the truth. “Point proven. Now can we just go back to you ignoring my existence.” Sam jolts forward in his seat glaring her down. “I don’t ignore your existence. In fact, I’m more than aware. I can’t get away from you.” “That doesn’t make any sense! We never talk, about anything! You’re always hiding somewhere on the roof. Or when I come into a room and you’re with one of your brothers you promptly LEAVE.” “That’s not- fuck.” He groans in irritation. “I’m sorry okay.” Sam “What?” “I’m sorry. I swear-” he sighs “I swear I’m not trying to be a dick to you. I just didn’t want to irritate you more after the whole… kiss situation and then…I don’t know a whole week passed and I didn’t know how to talk to you.” He sighs and runs his hand aggressively through his hair. She sits in silence for a moment. “Are you saying that you were to embarrassed to talk to me?” Sam’s jaw drops and he stutters, “I- no! No that is not what I’m saying!” She’s giggling at him now and teasing, “I think that’s exactly what you’re saying.” Sam scoffs and crosses his arm but a smile tugging at the corners. “Fine. I was embarrassed are you happy?” Sam “Yes! I am actually. Because it was bumming me out that you weren’t talking to me or looking in my general direction… like at all.” Sam sighs, “I really didn’t mean to just avoid you. I didn’t know how to talk to you after a very embarrassing event. Damien and James chewed me out.”

Life gets a little easier with a truce between her and Sam.

Then the announcement party comes.

MC is frantically pulling things together worried something will go wrong. James tells her to breath. All the boys are helping her. “You are just going to make the announcement and I can take it from there okay?” James “While yes that is frightening, I’m more worried about my dad.” MC “Just stick with me. I’ll just be like your guard dog.” Sam “Sam can frighten anyone away.” Matthew Sam shoves his little brother away by his head. “Hey! I just styled my hair dude…” Matthew complains and runs to find a mirror. “Go get dressed okay? We got this.” Erik shoves her upstairs. The beginning of the party goes by way too fast for MC. It’s mostly meet and greet for people she doesn’t know and her friends who she asked to come so she isn’t alone. The boys actively are working. She does constantly feel Sam’s eyes, so she knows he’s actively watching for her dad. When her mother and father enter she clams up. He barely acknowledges her. The event is spent mostly with her mingling with company people and media coverage in the back of the room. It comes time to make her announcement. James stands next to her. “Welcome everyone from Anderson Toy Company! I’d like to say thank you for coming for not only the announcements we will be making tonight, but also for the celebration of life for my grandfather Harold Anderson. We will be doing a candle light vigil for him later this evening.” MC

“Tonight, I know all of you are here to witness me telling you that I am stepping into the CEO position of my grandfather since he selected me. I am here to tell you tonight I have picked and hired a new CEO who will be taking my place in the company.” GASPS and her father’s ANGRY ass face. Like the man is red. “I know you all were expecting me to step into this role, and I was prepared too. After consideration I cannot in good faith take this role. My grandfather left me the option to be CEO but he would have never made me take it if I didn’t want to. He wanted me to follow my heart and find something I was as passionate about as he was making toys. So tonight, I welcome you to regard your new CEO with the warmth my grandfather would have. Please welcome James Anderson.” 

LITERALLY MUMBLES GASPS AND CHATTER AND CAMERAS GOING OFF

James goes into a spiel about the company (and his not relation to MC even though same last name) James also provides for the public documentation that he was very close with Harold and that they had talked about this as an option.

MC steps down as James discusses the future of the company. She tries to find her friends to fuck off and find a drink but her father corners her behind the massive staircase.

“You ungrateful brat!” He grips her arm. “You were left everything and you take it all for granted! You have let our family name tarnish within this company!” Father “Let. Me. Go.” She growls out. “Not until you understand the biggest mistake you’ve made! What are you going to do with that business degree now! And don’t think I’ll be paying those student loans! HA!” Father She starts to shrink back into herself trying to look for anyone to help her. But they’re all engaged with James. Her father knows better than to be yelling in public to make a scene. Suddenly his bruising grip has left her arm and she can see the familiar back of Sam. Sam has stepped between them, gripping her fathers’ hand in a death grip she can hear his bones cracking. “She said let go.” Sam tells her dad in a low but demanding voice. She can see the fear in her fathers’ eyes. “How dare you!” her father growls out as he looks around frantically to see if anyone sees them. “How dare I? I’m not the one threatening and physically attacking their own kid, am I?” Sam has yet to let go of her father’s hand “I’m not hurting her and this is family business!” her father tells him with a glare. His voice cracks though. “Oh yeah?” Sam gently guides MC’s arm up to show the already forming bruise on her forearm. “She fell.” There’s another bone cracking as Sam’s tightens his grip on her fathers’ hand. Her father almost yells. “It’s in the shape of your hand. Now I suggest you apologize and leave before I shatter the bones in your hand and convince James to fire you from your family’s company.” Sam “MC! He can’t do that! I’m your father!” he’s shaking in his shoes. She grips the side of Sam’s sleeve and he looks at her. “He needs to apologize to you. It’s unacceptable.” Sam “I’m sorry! I’m sorry okay just let go of my hand!” Sam releases instantly and glares at the man. “Be a better father. Or she’ll never talk to you again.” Sam He glares at both of them and runs off. He’ll probably make an excuse to leave. Sam turns to look at MC and her whole bodies shaking. The bruise is darkening too. Sam holds her gently to him, rubbing her back gently. “It’s over it’s okay.” He whispers into her hair. She lets out a shaking breath. She pulls back and looks at her arm and frowns. “I can’t cover this up…” she mumbles. “Stay here, I’ll go ask Erik if he has anything he can do okay?” Sam She nods and loosens her grip on Sam to let him find Erik. They both come back in less than 2 minutes. Erik hums in irritation and gently escorts her to his room. “Foul man, I have something to fix this dress wise, but that’s a nasty bruise love.” Erik finds some gloves that go up to her elbows and hides her bruise and also acts as a good accessory. “If anyone asks you had them the whole time. Just gaslight them.” She huffs out a laugh. “Thank you, Erik.” “It’s more than fine. Make sure you go back to Sam before you mingle again. He’s worried, and more than furious about your less than savory father.” Erik She nods and goes back down. Press are surrounding James and he’s taking it like a champ. They have another few hours before her grandfather’s vigil too. She looks around to find Sam and her eyes meet his in the back of the room against the wall. “You good?” he asks her. She nods. “As good as I can be.” He grunts in acknowledgement but his eyes burn where he knows the bruise is developing. “Thank you, Sam. I don’t know what he would have done if you hadn’t come in.” He looks into her eyes, silent and burning. It sends a chill down her back. “I should have been faster.” She grabs for his hand and holds it gently. “You were plenty fast. He could have said or done a lot worse. He has before.” Sam looks over her shoulder and smiles softly back down at her, “Your friends are looking for you. Go on. We’ll talk later.” She turns to look over her shoulder and a couple of them are raising their brows suggestively at her. She rolls her eyes but blushes furiously. “I uh- yeah. We’ll talk later. Thank you Sam.”

The vigil is successful too, everyone who stayed for it, which was a lot, said wonderful words about her grandfather.

After every guest leaves the boys and MC are sitting on the stairs exhausted.

Okay listen, I have so much... like so much more but I can only add so much text to an ask. So again, just let me know if you want more.

<3

[samuraiondo-mace-1177]

I know this is an ask game, and I've already answered two of the questions, but I REAAALLLLLYYY wanted to ramble abt this one so asgksk

(There aren't any spoilers for the game, btw)

Death mentioned!

18. if you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic

I don't usually write multiple drafts for stuff. or delete sentences (maybe I'll change the wording, but that's it), but the difference between these two paragraphs makes me crazy (/neg)

Published:

"Fine." Soma coldly said. "You shall continue helping us track down Kitakata-sensei with what you know from him and Yagami-san."

"Am I getting something out of this?"

"...What do you want?"

"I need you to promise that you won't kill me. I don't care if it's against protocol, spare me."

"I... guess you could be an exception."

"I can see it in yer eyes. Don't bullshit me on this, Soma!"

"Well, what are you going to do if I don't follow this agreement? Kill me?"

"...I'll take down RK alongside my death."

"Oh?"

"It's all set up already. I won't go into specifics, but if I die, then all the power you have will be gone."

"...Alright then. I'll agree to this stupid deal."

Draft:

"Fine." Soma coldly said. "You shall work for me and RK. With it, you'll lend a hand to building the network."

"What do I get out of that? A badge."

"I promise you life."

"So? That's only gonna last me so long... I only ask for one thing..."

"What is it?"

"...I ain't yer parading lapdog... second in command... I don't care... Secretary... don't care... You just don't get to treat me like some fucking dog."

"You're willing to trade life for how I treat you?"

"Spare me my life... I do what you ask... and you throw no treats..."

"Are you sure?"

"A delusional man with a headache..? Of course I'm not sure... But I'll agree anyway... my consequences will face me later..."

"Alright then..."

The published one is set after the events of LJ Chp.7, whilst the draft is set before even before RK is officially founded.

The attitude from Asahi between these two is vastly different. One desires life, the other doesn't give less of a shit if it means his reputation is ruined.

Asahi and Soma are more accurate in the published ver (Asahi being closer to Mace :D), with Soma staying close to his manipulative nature and unreadable face, and Asahi lying into that side of himself, making the two match perfectly.

Unsurprisingly, Asahi is actually scared shitless in this scene. Immediately calling out Soma's behaviour, trying to get back his upper hand, revealing his king card before he knows he's gonna be killed.

More stakes being risen as Asahi threatens to take away the one thing that gives Soma any sense of power, whilst Soma was gonna cut him off like some loose threads on his shirt.

Then you get the draft... it's... fine?

Sure, it's not accurate to either character, but the interaction itself is alright.

Asahi being portrayed as bolder and fearless. He couldn't give less of a shit if he died in the process of working for this dick, as long as he didn't die a low level controlled pussy, then that'd be fine by him. Something that is more respected and honoured in the Yakuza. He's actually willing to fight for his honour (like Kiryu!).

Soma in this is more perplexed, and with reason. Someone in this situation would beg for their life, pulling out everything they can to just earn his mercy (like I said. more accurate to myself). But Asahi just goes 'Yakuza protagonist mode'™ and kinda reminds me of Kiryu in Yakuza 0 (which honestly, looking back, I think he's just wanted someone to kill him this entire time, but that's for a different post). So, no wonder Soma is just kinda like looking at him lime "what the fuck?"

Asahi also REALLLLYYY leans into the animal metaphors here, before I'd written him walking in a circle like a dog so what the fuck? He predicted my writing?! (/j) Whilst the dialogue doesn't sound naturally human, it's something you'd be given as an extract for an English GCSE exam lol. It also kinda loses its track, which lines well when he's suffered brain damage and the writer was tired as shit, but ends up just confusing the audience, so I had to change this.

i probably have more to ramble about, but I have to do shit :(

[thorntonkrell-blog-blog]

Yesterday, I reread !984 for at least the tenth time although it's been at least five years since my last read. Once again I found myself having to pause in my reading and think twice about the concept of double think.

Doublethink is the concept that the minority ruling party uses an intentional method to affect the thinking of the majority. The ruling powers with the help of media and continual rewriting of history engage in propaganda that encourages people to hold two contradictory beliefs in mind at the same time and believing in both.

Meanwhile, Rupert Murdoch is being sued by the Dominion company for intentionally libeling the company in defense of what is known as The Big Lie which claims that Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election despite a lack of evidence.

Murdoch is trying to throw his employees under the bus in order to avoid being fined a billion dollars. Murdoch himself never made such claims.....it was the people who worked for him. They knew what they were saying about the election was "bullshit" but the fed it to the nation in such a convincing way that they must have believed it wasn't bull shit at the same time.

Hey

I know all about Doublethink.

I'm a fan of the Buffalo Bills.

Every year I believe that the Bills are the best team in the league and have a strong chance of winning the Super Bowl.

True, we've never won a Super Bowl. Aside from some "bad breaks" (wide right) we would have won at least one Super Bowl. We've come close the last coupla years. We're gonna win it all next year.

As soon as the season begins, however, I will experience confusion, stress, and anxiety, as I struggle to balance the past with the future and make sense of my thoughts and emotions even as I lose trust in my judgement while becoming more belligerent in the insistence of my faith.

We've turned our Sundays over to the NFL which is a fertile ground for national doublethink which prepares us to doubt ourselves while becoming ever more confident at the same time.

Yesterday, my second favorite team, the Carolina Panthers made a daring trade and now have possesion of the first pick in the upcoming NFL draft. This was a great move although we gave up a lot to get the pick and the risk is great. No big deal. No risk no reward. Although we gave up way tooo much in the trade and that will keep us out of the Super Bowl conversation for a least a decade unless we get luck and all the gears click which they won't but if they do maybe we'll contend with the Bills for the league Championship and prevent themn from wiining their first Super Bowl or not etc.

Meanwhile let's continue to support Ukraine until we run out of money which will happen later than when Putin runs out of sacrificial soldiers if not before

etc.

Still, I believe that he Bills are a great success even though we haven't succeeded in winning a Super Bowl. might view their team as successful in the sense that it consistently performs well during the regular season and has made it to the playoffs in recent years. At the same time, they might also view their team as unsuccessful in the sense that it has not won a championship in a long time and has a history of disappointing losses in big games.

By holding these two contradictory beliefs as true, Bills fans might be able to reconcile their love for their team with the reality of its performance. They might be able to continue to support the team and root for its success, while also acknowledging its flaws and weaknesses. This is an example of doublethink, as it involves holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind and accepting both of them as true.

Doublethink is a concept that George Orwell introduced in his novel "1984." In the novel, doublethink is the act of simultaneously holding two contradictory beliefs or ideas in one's mind and accepting both of them as true.

For example, in the book, the ruling party of Oceania uses doublethink to maintain their control over the population. They claim to be working for the good of the people, while at the same time engaging in propaganda, censorship, and brutal repression. The citizens are encouraged to hold the belief that the party is good and that their actions are necessary, even when they contradict their own experiences and observations.

Doublethink is a way for the party to maintain control over people's thoughts and beliefs. By creating a society in which people are encouraged to accept contradictory ideas as true, the party can manipulate people's perceptions of reality and prevent them from questioning the party's actions or motives.

Overall, doublethink is a powerful tool for psychological manipulation and control, and it represents a key theme in Orwell's novel.

In what ways does the big Lie regarding election fraud resemble double think

The "big lie" regarding election fraud and doublethink share some similarities in that they both involve the manipulation of truth and the acceptance of false or contradictory beliefs.

In the case of the "big lie," it refers to the false claim that the 2020 US Presidential election was rigged and stolen from a particular candidate, despite a lack of evidence to support this claim. This lie has been repeated and amplified by political leaders and media outlets, leading some people to believe it as true despite a lack of evidence.

Similarly, doublethink involves accepting contradictory beliefs or ideas as true, even when they contradict one's own experiences and observations. In the case of election fraud, people who accept the "big lie" may be engaging in a form of doublethink by simultaneously accepting the idea that the election was rigged and that there is no evidence to support this claim.

Both the "big lie" and doublethink can be used to manipulate people's perceptions of reality and promote a particular agenda or narrative. They both involve the use of propaganda and the manipulation of truth to achieve a specific outcome or goal.

Does the recent invetigation into Rupert Murdoch reveal doublethink on the past of Fox

I'm not aware of a recent investigation into Rupert Murdoch that specifically relates to doublethink. However, it is possible that some of the tactics employed by Fox News, which is owned by Murdoch's company, News Corp, could be seen as an example of doublethink.

Fox News has been accused of promoting a partisan and biased agenda, often at the expense of objective reporting and fact-checking. Some commentators have suggested that Fox News uses doublethink to promote this agenda, by presenting contradictory information and opinions as if they are equally valid.

For example, Fox News has been criticized for promoting false and misleading information about climate change, suggesting that it is not a real phenomenon or that humans are not a significant contributor to it. This contradicts the overwhelming scientific consensus that climate change is real and caused by human activity.

Similarly, Fox News has been criticized for promoting false and misleading information about the 2020 US Presidential election, suggesting that it was rigged or stolen despite a lack of evidence to support these claims.

Overall, while I'm not familiar with a specific investigation into Rupert Murdoch and doublethink, it is possible that the tactics employed by Fox News and other media outlets owned by News Corp could be seen as an example of doublethink in action.

They are being sued by Dominion and several commentatots particularly Hannity and Carlson are coming under focus for intentionally decieiving their viewers as they didn't belive that Tump had won the election yet tried to convince their viewers that he had. Is this doublethink?

The situation you described regarding the lawsuit filed by Dominion and the commentators at Fox News could potentially be seen as an example of doublethink.

Doublethink involves holding two contradictory beliefs or ideas in one's mind and accepting both of them as true. In this case, the commentators at Fox News may have been aware that their claims about the election being rigged or stolen were false, but still presented them as true to their viewers.

This would involve holding the contradictory beliefs that the claims they were making were false, while still presenting them as true to their viewers. In other words, they would be engaging in a form of deception that involves presenting false information as if it were true.

If this is the case, it could be seen as an example of doublethink, as the commentators would be holding contradictory beliefs in their minds while still presenting them as true to others. However, it's important to note that this is a complex situation and would require a thorough investigation to determine the motivations and intentions behind the actions of those involved.

Can you give me an example of doublethink that might apply to fans of the buffalo Bills

I can certainly provide an example of how doublethink might apply to fans of the Buffalo Bills, although it's important to note that this is purely hypothetical and may not reflect the actual beliefs of Bills fans.

One example of doublethink that might apply to Bills fans is the idea that the team is both successful and unsuccessful at the same time. On the one hand, Bills fans may believe that their team is one of the best in the league and has a strong chance of winning the Super Bowl. On the other hand, they may also acknowledge that the team has a long history of losing and has not won a championship in over 25 years.

To resolve this contradiction, Bills fans might engage in doublethink by simultaneously holding both beliefs as true. They might view their team as successful in the sense that it consistently performs well during the regular season and has made it to the playoffs in recent years. At the same time, they might also view their team as unsuccessful in the sense that it has not won a championship in a long time and has a history of disappointing losses in big games.

By holding these two contradictory beliefs as true, Bills fans might be able to reconcile their love for their team with the reality of its performance. They might be able to continue to support the team and root for its success, while also acknowledging its flaws and weaknesses. This is an example of doublethink, as it involves holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind and accepting both of them as true.

What is the psychological fallout from doublethink

The psychological fallout from doublethink can be significant and can have a range of negative effects on an individual's mental and emotional well-being.

One potential consequence of doublethink is cognitive dissonance, which is the mental discomfort that arises when a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time.

Doublethink can also lead to a loss of trust in oneself and in others. If a person is consistently holding contradictory beliefs and accepting both as true, they may begin to doubt their own judgment and their ability to discern truth from falsehood. This can erode their sense of self-confidence and leave them feeling uncertain and insecure.

Furthermore, doublethink can contribute to a sense of detachment from reality. By accepting contradictory beliefs as true, a person may be living in a world of their own making, disconnected from objective reality and the experiences of others. This can lead to feelings of isolation and a sense of being out of touch with the world around them.

Overall, the psychological fallout from doublethink can be significant and can have a range of negative effects on an individual's mental and emotional well-being. It's important to recognize the signs of doublethink and to work to address it in order to promote greater clarity, coherence, and mental health.

what are the signs of Doublethink

The signs of doublethink can be difficult to identify, as it often involves holding contradictory beliefs in one's mind without being aware of the contradiction. However, there are some signs that may indicate the presence of doublethink:

Inconsistent statements: Doublethink often involves making statements that are inconsistent with one's own beliefs or with objective reality. For example, a person may say that they believe one thing but then behave in a way that contradicts that belief.

Rationalizing contradictory beliefs: Doublethink often involves rationalizing away contradictory beliefs by finding ways to explain how they can both be true. This may involve ignoring or dismissing evidence that contradicts one's beliefs or coming up with elaborate justifications for why both beliefs can coexist.

Accepting conflicting information: Doublethink often involves accepting information that is conflicting or contradictory without questioning it. This may involve accepting information from unreliable sources or accepting information that is clearly false.

Difficulty making decisions: Doublethink can make it difficult to make decisions or take action because a person may be unsure of what they actually believe or may be torn between conflicting beliefs.

Emotional distress: Doublethink can cause emotional distress, such as feelings of anxiety, confusion, or inner conflict, as a person struggles to reconcile their conflicting beliefs.

It's important to note that not all instances of inconsistent beliefs or behavior are signs of doublethink. However, if you notice persistent inconsistencies in your own beliefs or behavior, or if you find yourself struggling to reconcile conflicting beliefs, it may be worth examining whether doublethink is a factor.

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. shorty pants iced tea drinker honey nut cheerio lefty eyebag 😌

Finally! Someone who I can agree with about iced teas. Yes, I agree it is different from how the south makes iced tea! When I visited GA in June, that's all I drank because I missed it so much. But I don't order it here unless there is fruit flavor in it like peach or mango.

Aw is she okay? Was she having a bad dream?

But yeah, it's been awhile since you posted lol maybe you'll have time later to write the valentine fic 🤞 on top of the other series hahaha 😆 I wish I get to see like how you come up with ideas or the rough draft of your fics

Ahaha if I'm not on the switch playing games, I'll be on my phone playing games 😅 but yeah, I used to play until 2 or 3 in the morning, and my ex would be mad because all she can hear is me tapping on the console and quietly grunting.

I'm not that tall, I'm between 5'6 or 5'7. Okay, you're not short..just fun sized ahahahaha and I know, short people can be so mean. It's probably cause they have such a...short temper... ahahahaha okay okay no more jokes 🤣🤣

Ech yeah I've have balut before.. at first I was excited to try it until I found out what it was. Then I still tried it just because my mom told me to.. and it was too salty for me. I didn't like it much.

And a food I've had before and never again, would be bitter gourd, or in the Philippines we call it ampalaya. It is nasty, to me at least. It really is bitter but also sour?? But I don't like it, and I remember they always made it with eggs.. I would pick the green thing off and try to eat the eggs only.

How about you?

- CuriousGeorge

Good morning u nicknames creator corn-punn righty eyebag!

Yeah, whn i used to live in CA n i went visit south states like texas or louisiana i always look more for iced teas. Becausr south's iced tea hit different to me.hahaha. n now im happy i live in one of the iced tea heaven states. 😅 lol. But i dont like fruity teas though. I drink unsweetened black iced teas.

Em was okay, she was just having growing pain because she is tall for her age.

Well, good news for u i posted pt. 4. But i hv a little confidence on it. I think i didnt write it well. I think it was poorly executed.😔 so i was a little down n questioning my writing.

Well, i hope u will still like my future works since right now i think im losing my touch in writing.😔

Wow u r pretty tall.. n oh my gosh, short people has short temper, that was really funny.🤣🤣🤣 yes please please more jokes.hahaha.

Ah yeah, balut was horrible. Im sorry. I know some people say it's philipino's delicacy but it's a no no for me.i ate it one bite n i couldnt even swallow it. It was the idea of what it is makes me cant eat it.

What is gourd? Is it like a vegetable or something?

Balut is one of the thing i tried that i wont ever eat it anymore. Another thing i tried was Monkfish liver sushi. The chef told me it was so good n it's special so i tried it. It was so gross. N the main thing i really really hate n wont eat is frog. To me just looking at frog can make me want to throw up. My mom once tricked me n told me it's chicken. Then i bit the little bone that i know it doesnt look like chicken bones. So she finally told me that it was frog. I ran to the bathroom n threw up so bad. Not gonna lie, i was so upset with her at that time.😅

So u r running out of question? Does it mean u start getting bored talking with me? 😔

Just kidding.. it's okay if u r out of curious question. U can ask me whenever u have something in mind. I dont know if i ever asked u this, how would describe ur style.of clothing?

Cheerio!

[watermelonlovershigh]

You Get Sick in the Back of an Uber

AN: so this was a story i have had in my drafts for like three months and just never found motivation to finish it. i decided to finish this first out of my drafts because it was one of the ones that had the most already written for it. unlike some of my others that don't have much written yet. and this was supposed to be longer but i got lazy and ended the end with no dialogue and shorted the story. but i guess that's fine because the main part of this was the uber incident and not necessary the aftercare. (i just love to always include aftercare whether its with sex or getting sick. unless its a blurb) @harryhoney-bee suggested number 1. on my voting post so thank you for requesting i finish this one shot idea that was in my drafts.

This story contains: puke, drunken person, caring husband

{ husband!harry - dad!harry - Grammys 2021 Harry - 4 kids (any age you imagine) }

word count: 1765

When you drink too much at the Grammys, you end up having to get sick in the uber ride home and Harry cares for you.

-------------------------

Back Story-

After the Grammys, Harry and I decided to go to the little after party that was being held for the Grammy attendees. We knew we couldn't stay too long because we had to get back home to our kids. They were currently with our babysitter but she couldn't stay all night. She has to go home at some point. So we made sure to watch the time.

At the afterparty, drinks were flowing. I haven't drank in a while due to the fact I had been pregnant not too long ago. This was the first night I was allowed to drink and I decided to do just that. Harry was aware of me drinking and promised to watch and take care of me. Though we were at this afterparty for him, he wanted me to let loose and have some fun as well.

But what he wasn't expecting was for me to drink the amount I did. I didn't mean to go over board. It just kind of happened. People handing out drinks left and right and next thing I knew, I was drunk. Not tipsy, drunk. When Harry noticed how drunk I was, he decided it's best to go home.

And because Harry also had drank some alcohol, he wasn't in a state to drive either. By no means was he as drunk as me though. Maybe just tipsy but he didn't want to risk it. So he decided to call an uber for us.

--------------------

Current-

We're sitting in the back of the uber on our way home. It's about an hour drive since the city is crowded with traffic due to the Grammys. Right about now is when I regret drinking any alcohol tonight. Because I haven't drank in over a year, my body isn't use to the poison running through my veins. So you could say I'm a lightweight now. My head is throbbing. My vision is blurry. My stomach is turning. Lets just say I regret all my decisions tonight that lead to me feeling this way.

"Harrrrry I don't feel good." I manage to slur out.

"You probably should have stuck to champagne instead of vodka my love." Harry responds, while stroking my hair out of my face in a gentle manner.

Another 10 minutes pass and I'm feeling very nauseous. I'm trying to focus on my breathing but it's not working.

"Harry my stomach hurts." I whisper with hooded eyes.

"Like you're gonna be sick?" Harry questions with panic.

I nod my head and hear Harry asking the driver if he can pull over.

"Can you pull over? My wife is feeling ill." Harry frantically questions the uber driver up front.

"I'm sorry sir but this freeway is packed and there is no way I can get to the side of the road right now." the driver says with a bit of an attitude.

Hearing that made me and Harry both start to panic.

"Well do you have any sick bags in here?" my husband asks.

"Sorry I don't." the driver retorts in a uncaring tone. What kind of uber driver doesn't carry sick bags for when drunks potentially need a ride but feel like they are going to be sick?

I just barley hear Harry let out a frustrated sigh and turn to me.

"Try and relax love. Take deep breaths for me, alright." Harry whispers while rubbing my back as I'm slumped over his body, too disoriented to even hold my head up.

About 3 minutes later, I feel vomit rise up my throat. There isn't much I can to do. The driver already said he couldn't pull over, nor does he have sick bags. I sit up from my slouched position and clasp a hand over my mouth. My legs are bouncing up and down. I'm trying desperately not to puke but I'm doing a poor job. Harry is sitting up with me, trying to comfort me but his words are all a blur at this point.

"If you have to be sick darling, let it out. I'll pay to get this uber cleaned, okay." Harry states in my ear. I know he'd rather not have me puke on the floor of the uber, right beside him, but he can tell I'm struggling and in discomfort.

Hearing those words was all the conformation I needed. I remove my hand from my mouth and let out a gush of alcoholic bile spew from my mouth and onto the backseat floor board. Harry gathers my hair in his hands so it's not in my face. My vomit splatters all over my legs and on the bottom of Harry's Gucci suit. I'd feel terrible about that if I wasn't so out of it, but my mind is a mushed up blur.

"Shhh, that's it. You're alright." Harry reassures me. The uber driver lets out a sigh of disgust, but this is truly his fault that I'm throwing up in his uber right now anyways.

Heave after heave, I let out more of the alcohol that was poisoning my system, right onto the floor. It's not a pretty sight. I'm having a cold sweat and my body is trembling. Though Harry has a weak stomach, when it comes to his wife (me) or his kids, he can always handle a bit of throw up. Or a lot like currently. It's like a fatherly/husband instinct that comes over him and he feels only adrenaline, not yuck.

Finally I feel my stomach relax and I sit up, breathing heavy with vomit dripping down my chin. Without thinking, I wipe it off with the back of my hand and smear it on my already ruined dress. "Feeling better?" Harry asks in a low tone.

"Mhmm." I hum, not really feeling like talking. My drunken brain has cleared up some from the majority of the alcohol being out of my system, but I still feel the after affects drinking brings. I just lean my head on Harry's shoulder for the rest of the ride home and allow the cool breeze to blow on my face. The uber driver did us all a favor by rolling the windows down so we didn't suffocate on the nasty smell of my sick.

---------------------

After-

When we arrived home, Harry payed the uber driver, not giving much of a tip and told him that he'd have someone clean his car out in the morning. As well as a half assed apology for my incident beings it could have been prevented. Then carefully, Harry lifted me out the uber and carried me into our Los Angeles home. Good thing our kids were all asleep because they shouldn't have to see their mother like this. Covered in puke and half drunk.

Harry took me to our bathroom and quickly ran down stairs to pay our babysitter, hoping she didn't question my appearance when she saw my state as we came through the front door. She didn't thankfully and left soon after her check was handed to her. Harry came back up to where he left me and helped me clean up and get ready for bed.

He stripped us of our vomit covered clothes and helped me into the big walk-in shower we have in our master bathroom. Then after he delicately washed our bodies along with my hair, he helped us out and dried us off. We brushed our teeth, me with the help of my husband because I was still a bit dizzy. After we're clean of sick and smelt fresh, he helped me put some panties and a t-shirt over my nude body and boxers on himself; just incase our kids woke up and needed us for whatever reason.

Harry helped me into our large bed and tucked me in, bending down to kiss my forehead. Then he walked down to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and a bucket incase I needed to be sick again at some point through-out the rest of the early morning. When he had all the items he intended to grab, Harry came back to our bedroom where I was already passed out with sleep.

So he just set the water on my night stand and the bucket on the floor, beside my side of the bed. Then Harry quietly exited our room and went to each of our child's bedrooms to make sure they were fine and still asleep like they should be, which they thankfully were.

When everything was done and taken care of, Harry turned the bedroom lights out and slipped in the covers with me. He helped my body scoot over and I cuddled into his warm body. I didn't realize it in my state of sleep but I knew when I awoke, I'll be thinking about how grateful I am to have a wonderful husband like Harry.

He takes such good care of me. He didn't get upset that I drank too much on his special night and accidently got wasted. He never once got upset that I basically got throw up on his expensive suit tonight in the uber. He didn't get annoyed that he had to shower both me and him past midnight, though he was exhausted. Harry loves taking care of me (and our kids) and wouldn't wish for any other life. Even when his life becomes chaotic and stressful. Harry loves his family dearly and his family love him just as much or more.

Masterlist (regular smut, fluff & sicfics)

My Favorite Harry Styles Fics MASTERLIST

Harry Styles Series - One Shots & Blurbs Masterlist

Harry Styles blurbs, concepts, & short stories Masterlist- (short writing with little to no dialog)

[indecentpause]

hi!! i am answering the call to talk about wips and things because i want to help distract from whatever Life is throwing at you, so <3<3<3

i recently finished the first draft of the second book in a series i've been working on!! now i'm working on another editing pass on book one, trying to make it even better than it was before, and i'm very hopeful it will turn out the way i want it to :D

i've also been Thinking a Lot about what book three is going to look like, and i think i've decided that the ~spooky eldritch mermaids~ are going to be wreaking Havoc on any ships that dare to enter the open sea because of part of the climax of book two, and i'm very excited to play with how that affects the world they're in!! maybe even the magical claw machine things i made for pseudo-airships in one area will become more prevalent everywhere 👀

have you had time for creative endeavors lately?? any ideas marinating behind everything else??

even if not, i wish you well and i hope that things calm down for you soon!!!

(- @magic-is-something-we-create)

heck yeah, finishing a first draft is a huge step! and feeling like you’re on the right track with your projects is such a great feeling :D

spooky eldritch mermaids are the best kind of mermaids! I love my mermaids with a little body horror and existential dread. (I actually love any mermaid but ESPECIALLY those) I would love to hear anything more you’d like to share about them! in what way are they eldritch horrors? 

I’m sort of working on my wip, The Most Beautiful Puzzle. I actually know exactly where I want to go with it next but alas, my brain is soup right now so I just have some messy notes so I don’t forget the general idea of where I’m going. but I’m really excited! it’s one of those points where the characters just go ‘hey I’m doing this now whether you like it or not,’ and I always follow those instincts first and pull from or delete parts later, if I need to :3

thank you for the message! I’m gonna be looking out for those mermaids!

edit: also wtf tumblr must have unfolllowed me from you, because I distinctly remember following you! I guess I though you were just being quiet, oops ;-;

[helloalycia]

my happy ending [one] // kara danvers

summary: your crush from work decides to make a move, but she keeps putting off telling you something that you don't realise is actually really important

warning/s: none

author's note: i'm still working on a bunch of stuff but here's some old stuff to tide you over as i do. this is part one to a two-parter! enjoy :)

part two | masterlist

I sketched out some designs at my desk, ideas for some new Instagram and Twitter marketing CatCo we were planning to do. I was in charge of social media marketing at CatCo Worldwide, so things like this were routine at work. What wasn't routine was the cute blonde, Kara, AKA Cat Grant's assistant, approaching my desk with a chirpy smile on her lips.

"Hey, Y/N," she greeted, before setting down a coffee cup in front of me.

I smiled automatically, Kara's presence instantly affecting my mood in a positive way. I glanced at the cup and quirked an eyebrow.

"Hey, Kara. Is this for me?"

She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose adorably. "I was picking up Miss Grant's order and I remembered you said you loved the chocolate orange hot chocolates Noonan's do. So, I got you one."

I felt my cheeks heat up. "Oh, wow, er, thank you. You didn't have to do that."

She shrugged, and I was sure she looked as flustered as I felt. "No biggie."

I took a sip of the hot chocolate and smiled at how good it was, but mostly because of who got it me.

"So, what are you doing?" she asked, walking around my desk and sitting at the edge. She glanced at my sketches and added, "Is that the new fashion post for our social media accounts? They look amazing!"

"Just some sketches, but eventually they will be," I said, before nodding. "And thanks. I just need the photos so I know what I'm working with. Gotta ask the new guy, James... you met him yet?"

Kara nodded. "Yeah, I just bumped into him earlier."

"Can you believe he knows Superman?" I asked with disbelief. "How awesome is that?"

She smiled with amusement. "Extremely awesome."

"Keira!"

Kara lost her smile when Miss Grant called for her, before looking to me apologetically. "I should–"

"It's cool," I said, nodding for her to leave before Miss Grant tracked her down. "Thanks again for the drink."

Kara flashed me a smile. "Anytime. See you later."

I watched her walk away, waving as she glanced over her shoulder. I found myself biting my lip to contain my own smile, feeling butterflies in my stomach.

Kara Danvers, assistant to Cat Grant.

Ever since she began working here, I found myself crushing on the blonde and her cute mannerisms. We were friends, occasionally hanging out outside of work and doing things together. But that's all it was, sadly. I knew she was friends with Winn – best friends, I think – and I also knew that the tech guy was practically in love with her. I didn't know him as well as I knew her, but I knew enough to not want to get in between the two of them. So, Kara Danvers remained a silly little crush.

I got back to my sketches, managing to draft up some mock-ups on Photoshop before my day ended. I was more tired than I thought that evening, ending up falling asleep earlier than usual. Which meant that I missed the biggest news in National City yet – a mystery woman saving a plane from crashing, possibly a new superhero.

I woke up the next morning to a million and one calls and texts from colleagues at CatCo, all expecting me to get on social media to post about this mystery woman. By the time I got to work that morning, I was caught up with everything and in awe at this new superhero we had. It was pretty darn awesome!

The amazement I felt however was short lived, as Cat was all over me when I got to the office, claiming I should have been on top of our social media coverage as soon as it happened. Apparently me falling asleep wasn't a valid enough point to miss it, so I was put to work instantly, working with the photography and marketing department to find some sort of coverage on this mystery hero.

As I was lining up some posts with the limited images available of this hero, I felt a presence stop by my desk and saw it was Kara.

"Morning," she greeted, before glancing at my computer. "Oh, so you heard?"

I chuckled. "Kind of hard not to. It's everywhere." I nodded to the many TVs around the office that were playing reruns of the news coverage from last night.

"Pretty cool, right?" she asked, a smile tugging at her lips.

"Very, but it also means I now have a lot of work to do, especially because I fell asleep when all of this went down," I said, jokingly. "Cat has been all over me about this all morning."

Kara laughed and it was literally the best thing I'd heard all day.

"So, I was actually hoping I could tell you something," she said, an excited smile on her face as she met my eyes.

I felt a little flustered under her gaze and found myself distracting myself with my computer screen momentarily.

"I actually have a lot of things to do right now,” I said regretfully. “Maybe later?”

Her smile faded as she nodded. "Right, no, yeah, that's totally fine. Sorry."

"No, no, don't apologise," I said instantly, feeling a little bad. "I just– if I don't get this done, Cat will kill me."

"I got it, you do this, it's cool," she said reassuringly, offering me a small smile.

"Sorry," I tried, a little sad that there was nothing I could do. I really needed to get this done, despite wanting to spend some more time with Kara.

"It's fine, good luck," she said, giving me a grin and thumbs up before leaving.

I sighed, before getting back to work. Unfortunately, it was a few hours before I could get away from my desk, and I managed to track down Kara at her own desk, remembering she wanted to tell me something.

"Hey," I said, earning her attention.

She looked up from her notebook, smiling when she saw me. "Hey, you manage to get that content done?"

"Just about," I said, before offering a small smile. "Sorry again for blowing you off."

She waved her hand dismissively. "It's fine, honestly."

"I'm free now though," I said optimistically. "Maybe we could grab an early lunch? You can talk to me then?"

Kara pushed a strand of hair behind her ear as she nodded slowly. "That sounds nice actually, yeah."

I felt a little relieved when she agreed. "Great. Well, I'll let you get your things and meet you by the elevator?"

She pursed her lips, suppressing a smile. "You got it."

We ended up getting lunch, as agreed, and it was nice to make it up to her. Though, I never really noticed that she never ended up telling me whatever it was that she wanted to tell me. I was so distracted by how smoothly our lunch was going that I forgot to ask her about it. Maybe if I'd asked, she might have told me the truth. Or she might have made something up and lied. I guess I would never know.

–

Did somebody say tiny umbrella drinks? #gottalovethetinyumbrellas #CatCoFoundation [image here]

I sent yet another tweet and picture out from CatCo's Twitter account, watching as it instantly got responses from everyone. I was at an event that Cat was throwing for all CatCo employees plus special guests. It was an event to raise money for Cat's foundation – a charity for children's hospitals in National City. My job was to live-tweet the heck out of the event, hoping to boost donations online.

It was a formal event, so I was comfortably dressed in some high-waisted pants and a silk blouse, it being my best attempt at 'formal' clothes.

The event wasn't too bad. There was free food and drinks, plus I got to hang out with some of my friends from work whilst doing the bare minimum. I just wasn't an evening person, I guess.

"Hey, stranger," a voice startled me, and I turned around, surprised to see Kara Danvers stood there.

I hadn't seen much of Kara in the past few months, despite working with her. She always seemed to be caught up with Winn, and she'd gotten quite close with the not-so-new guy, James Olsen. I wasn't stalking her or anything, but I began to notice when I would try to make plans with her like we used to – little things like grabbing coffee or going to watch a film after work – and she would decline or have plans already. Then I'd see her constantly being surrounded by Winn and James, so I figured she'd just made new friends.

"Kara," I breathed out, smiling as I took in her appearance. "Hey."

I hadn't seen her at all this evening and I was sure she just showed up because I definitely would have noticed how good she looked in that fitted red dress of hers.

"You look really nice," she said, looking me up and down before meeting my eyes.

"Thanks," I said, hoping my cheeks didn't look as warm as they felt. "So do you. You liking the event?"

Kara looked around, nodding. "It's beautiful."

"You did a good job," I said, giving her a knowing smile. "I know you planned it."

"This was all Cat, I just–"

"Kara, everybody knows you plan the events around here," I told her with a chuckle. "It's okay."

She smiled to herself, looking down. "Right." It went quiet for a moment before she looked up and said, "Do you want to dance?"

I was a little taken aback by her confidence, but nonetheless, I found myself nodding. She smiled as she held out her hand. I took it, feeling goosebumps from how soft her hands were.

She led me to the dance-floor, stopping and resting a hand on my waist, the other holding my hand. I nervously rested an arm on her shoulder as I focused on swaying to the music playing rather than stepping on her toes.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in a while," she said after a moment. I looked up and saw her blue eyes staring right through me.

"Well, we've both been busy," I attempted to give a reason.

She shook her head, smiling apologetically. "No, it's not that... it's my fault. I've been hanging out with James and Winn so much lately that I've been neglecting you."

I laughed a little awkwardly. "Kara, it's okay. You don't need to feel bad for having other friends. I mean, you don't have any obligations to me. They're your best friends. Of course you're gonna hang out with them."

She pursed her lips and I admittedly felt nervous as she stared at me, her expression unreadable. She was a little taller than me which didn't help with me trying to keep my emotions in check. She was extremely close to me as we swayed to the music and I could just about focus on it as she continued to stare at me.

"What if I want to have obligations to you?" she asked, and I almost thought she was joking until I realised that she wasn't.

I wanted to understand what she meant, but I didn't get to ask because she leaned forward and closed the gap between us with her lips. I was surprised at her boldness, pinning Kara for the shy type. Nonetheless, I returned the kiss, melting into her embrace and warmth.

We pulled apart soon enough, myself a little flustered from the kiss. My lips were still tingling as she met my eyes, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"I hope that was okay," she muttered.

I nodded slowly, still surprised. "Yeah, it was."

My stomach was doing somersaults as I mirrored her smile; the gala was merely a blur in the background as I realised Kara Danvers had just kissed me. I definitely wouldn't have thought she felt something for me other than friendship.

"I'm assuming you want this to go somewhere," I said, a little stupidly.

She laughed melodiously as she nodded, intertwining her fingers in mine. "That's the plan, yes. But actually, er..."

"Second thoughts already?" I joked, though inside I was genuinely believing she might be second-guessing her decision, judging from her sudden change of facial expression.

"No, no," she said, shaking her head. "It's just, I feel like we should talk first. I have to tell you something. Before this goes any further."

She sounded quite affected by whatever it was, so I nodded, losing my smile for a moment.

"Of course, you can tell me whatever you need to," I reassured her, giving her hand a little squeeze. "Do you want to talk now or after?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but tilted her head to the side as she grew distracted. I waited patiently, expecting her to snap back into reality, but she seemed caught up with something else.

"Kara? You okay?" I asked, growing a little concerned.

"What? Yeah, sorry," she said, shaking her head before meeting my eyes with apologetic ones. "I'm sorry, I have to go for a minute. I just realised I have to check on the desserts for the party."

"Oh, okay." I nodded, giving her a small smile. "You can tell me whatever it is afterwards then?"

She smiled, nodding. "Yeah. I'll be back after, I swear."

I believed her and watched as she let go of my hand, already in a rush to leave. I wondered what was so time-sensitive about desserts, but decided not to question it as I realised the very obvious and surprising fact that Kara liked me.

As she turned to leave, she quickly turned back to me and moved forward, pressing a haste kiss to my cheek. My face heated up as she flashed me a beautiful smile, before moving to leave.

Just danced with the most beautiful girl in the room #CatCoFoundation

I looked up and saw Kara by the door, about to leave, but she stopped when her phone vibrated. After glancing at the screen, she paused and a wide smile graced her lips. Her eyes lifted and she gave me a knowing look before disappearing. I found myself smiling like an idiot the rest of the night.

I guess I should have realised, once again, that Kara never ended up telling me whatever it was that she wanted to tell me. I was so caught up in the fact that she returned my feelings that I never remembered to ask her what it was that she wanted to say. Maybe if I'd remembered, things would have ended up a little differently.

–

Kara and I went on some dates, our relationship blossoming naturally. It was the best thing to happen to me at the time – finding someone who I thought truly understood me, and vice versa. We had inside jokes, an 'our song', a favourite restaurant we frequented; we were happy and it was amazing. I was really falling for her. I thought she was perfect. Nothing could change that, I thought. She was everything I wanted.

"What are you thinking about in that pretty little head of yours?" Kara asked, tilting her head to look at me.

It was moments like this when I was in awe of her beauty, inside and out. She was comfortable, with her hair tied in a loose ponytail and her face makeup-free. Her glasses were balanced on her nose as she stared at me with an easygoing smile and sparkling eyes. I felt a sudden overwhelming flood of love for her as she waited for me to reply.

"I'm in love with you," I blurted out uncontrollably.

She raised her eyebrows slightly, mouth agape as she realised what I said.

"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. "That was random. And weird. Too soon, right? I freaked you out. I'm sorry."

Kara blinked several times, straightening up as she shook her head. "No, it's not, it's..." I watched her with anticipation, as she found her words. "It's fine. It's... I feel the same way."

It was my turn to be surprised now. I raised my eyebrows, a smile forming on my lips. "You do?"

Kara pursed her lips, eyes flickering up to meet mine. "Yeah."

I breathed out. "I'm really happy to hear that, especially because I thought I freaked you out, but like, I feel like something is bothering you, Kara."

Resting a hand on hers, I squeezed it gently. She offered me a small, troubled smile and I wondered what was occupying her thoughts.

"I trust you," she said gently. "I do. I love you. And I... I want you to know that I think what we have is amazing. I've never been happier."

"This sounds like a breakup," I joked, chuckling nervously. She wouldn't break up with me right after saying 'I love you', right?

"No, no, it's not!" she reassured immediately, taking any doubt from my mind. She leaned forward and cupped my cheek gently. "I'm not breaking up with you, silly."

"Good to know," I said playfully, resting my hand on hers and moving it to my lips, kissing it softly. "What is it though? What's on your mind? You can tell me anything you know."

She nodded. "I know... I can. I will. Now."

I stayed quiet, watching as she had some inner conflict going on. What was bothering her so much?

"I want to say that I–"

But she was cut off by her phone ringing. She rolled her eyes and I offered her an approving smile as she reached to answer it.

"Alex, hey, what's up?"

I sat back, keeping ahold of Kara's hand as she listened to Alex on the phone.

"Are you sure?" Kara said, concern in her voice.

I wondered what was going on, as the blonde was scrunching her brows together with worry. Her hand slipped from mine as she stood up, pacing.

"Okay, I'll be there now," she finished, before hanging up.

"Hey, that sounded serious, is everything okay?" I asked, standing up, too.

Kara nodded, already in the process of grabbing her things. "Yeah, sorry, it's just some family stuff with Alex. I should get going and help her out." She stopped moving and turned to face me, a distracted frown on her face. "I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to spend the evening together and I wanted to tell you something, but–"

"It's fine, Kara, you can just tell me another time," I cut her off, moving forward and rubbing her arm gently. "I hope everything is okay with Alex. I'll just see you at work tomorrow, yeah?"

Kara smiled tightly, nodding. "You're too understanding. It's annoyingly admirable."

I chuckled, stepping forward and pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. She had a few inches on me, so I had to step on my tip toes to reach, but seeing the little smile appear on her lips when I did made it worth it.

"Don't get stressed about whatever it is you wanna tell me," I added, meeting her eyes. "I'm sure it'll be fine. I love you and I'm really lucky to have you in my life. I don't think anything will ruin that. Just... remember that, okay?"

Kara nodded, her eyes flickering to the floor. "Thank you, Y/N."

"I'll leave you to it," I said, moving away to grab my coat and put on my shoes. "Good luck with whatever is up, and see you tomorrow."

As I was about to leave, her voice called out, "I love you, too."

I smiled widely at her before leaving, feeling lightweight because of all the love that was bubbling around inside of me. Once again, Kara managed to distract me from the fact that she had something big to tell me, as when I followed up the next day, she assured me that she just wanted me to know that she sometimes moved too fast in relationships and she didn't want me to feel like I was being rushed.

I believed her, blinded by what I thought was my happy ending, and that was that.

[ijswezel]

     all right, i finally shotgunned over 900 saved draft posts in like just a few days this week so that should give you plenty of stuff to keep you occupied on the long drive home. big sorry to the six of you i routinely reblog stuff from for the dire notification spam though lol

     with that done, it’s time for a break. i am trying very hard to be the best person i can be every day and sure i’ve grown a lot in a lot of ways, but i realise i still have a whole bunch of toxic traits that affect other people that i need to sort out. either i unknowingly drive people away, alienate them when they’re trying to love me or i just generally fuck stuff up somehow, or people just find me very easy to put down and be done with. i am bipolar, and am often Too Much in one or an assortment of ways, too intense or too this or that or the other. sometimes it is really difficult because it makes me feel unworthy of any friends but if i keep telling myself that then i’m giving myself no room to change. i lost a lot of people very close and dear to me over the last couple of years, people i love and people i’ve known for years and ultimately i’m the reason why. it makes me as sad as fuck because life is lonely these days and while nobody ever communicates what i did wrong before leaving, it all keeps leading back to the same place and i’m determined to fix it. i don’t want to be a negative influence on other peoples’ lives and i need to reflect on what i need to do to become a better person to people to stop this happening

     it’s one of those things where yeah, i deserve people in my life who are understanding and compassionate and want to know me for me even through the rough bits and the obsessions and the mood swings and the hard bits and the lows as well as when i'm doing well. and yeah, the weight of maintaining friendships and relationships isn’t entirely on me alone. that’s just not fair. but more often than not, the problem is me and i keep affecting others around me in harmful ways. i apologise whenever i can but there’s a point where apologies very quickly become meaningless if It Keeps Happening Regardless

     why the break? well i actually dislike social media in general with the burning intensity of a thousand desert suns, that’s why i only have this blog, and a personal private instagram that often goes months between posts, and even they are sometimes too much. but as cursed as this website is, i hate tumblr the least as a format. it reminds me of the wild west of the old myspace days. i digress, however; this is just something i need to do away from social media in general because social media is absolutely not helping any. i was gonna delete this blog outright at first but it seems a bit of a waste to shitcan it after 11 years (not all on this blog but an accumulated total) so i’m just going to leave it dormant for a while instead and return at a later date

     so if you stumble across this page in the mean time, please enjoy your stay, have a rifle around. ask a question, leave a message, submit a song, submit a thought, maybe. for those that come here for music, my #music tag is in spotify playlist form in my sidebar for easier shuffling (for some reason clicking it from posts throws up errors but the same link from the sidebar works fine). maybe when i’m back i might finally revamp my theme, who knows

     but most importantly, be good to yourself

     i love you. namaste

[librarianbusdriver]

Ted: Okay, where was I? You were telling us how you met mom. In excruciating detail. Right. So, back in 2005, When I was 27, My two best friends got engaged, And it got me thinking, maybe I should get married.

*Sigh*

And then I saw robin. She was incredible. I just knew I had to meet her. That's where your uncle barney came in. I suggest we play a little game I like to call Wait, no, no, no. We're not playing "have you met ted?" Hi. Have you met ted? So I asked her out. But after just one date, I was in love with her Which made me say something stupid. I think I'm in love with you. What?! Oh, dad. So then what happened? Nothing. I mean, I'd made a complete fool of myself. So, a week went by, and I decided not to call her. So you're not gonna call her? You went from, "I think I'm in love with you"

Trapped, the same hollow, dull story repeating again, and again, and again all around me. No way to change its course. No way to do anything but just... watch.

To "I'm not gonna call her"? I wasn't in love with her, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract concept Of getting married. It had absolutely nothing to do with robin. Robin. Hi. Look who I ran into. Since when do you guys know each other? Oh, since about... Here. Lily recognized me From the news and... Hello, sailor! They just got engaged. Well, I should get back to the station. See you, guys. Nice seeing you, ted. Yeah, you, too. Thanks. What? Damn it! I'm in love with her. As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse. You blew it, it's over, move on. I don't know, I just have this feeling She's the future mrs. Ted mosby. ( Lily squeaks) Lily, you squeaked? She said something about me, didn't she? Come on, spill it, red! Fine. So, what do we think of ted? ( Iaughs) Ted's something else. Huh. I'm gonna spin that as good. Lots of guys are something, I'm something else. Comes on a little strong. But, that's part of my charm. But, that's part of his charm. Oh, totally. I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, He's just looking for something A little bit more serious than I am. I mean, the most I can handle right now is something casual. This just stays between us, right? Are you kidding? This flapper? Fort knox. Oops. She wants casual. Okay, I'll be casual. I'm going to be a mushroom cloud of casual. Cause it's a game... I want her to skip To the end and do the whole happily-ever-after thing. But you don't get there unless you play the game. So, are you going to ask her out? Yeah... No! I can't ask her out, Because if I ask her out, I'm asking her out. So, how do I Ask her out without asking her out? Did you guys get high? I got it. I don't ask her out. I invite her To our party next Friday. We're having a party next Friday? We are now. Casual. Like inviting a hundred people over just to mack on one girl. Oh, and lily, that's my leg. You waited five minutes to tell me that? All right, so call her up. No, calling's not casual. I just got to bump into her somewhere. Now, if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter. That's great, ted... you'll be the most casual stalker ever. Put that ring on her finger, lily had been, Well, extra affectionate. ( chuckling ): Baby, no. I have a 25-page paper on constitutional law due Monday. Hey, I'm just sitting here, wearing my ring,

Wallachia, how I miss you.

My beautiful ring. ( Typing) Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. Kind of don't want to wear my shirt anymore. Or... My underwear. That's right, I'm not wearing any. ( Sighs ) No underwear? Not even slightly. Ted: Guys. Boundaries. Robin ( on tv ): Thanks, bill. I'm reporting from the razzle dazzle supermarket On 75th and columbus... 75th and columbus. Game on! Where four-year-old leroy ellenberg has climbed Inside a grab-a-prize machine and gotten stuck. ( Panting ) And, all in the pursuit of a stuffed, purple giraffe. For metro news 1, I'm robin trubotsky. Engineer: We're clear. Robin: Thanks, don. Whew. Ted. Robin, wow! What are the odds? Oh, you know, just, uh, shopping for, uh, dip. I love dip. I mean, I don't love dip, I like dip... ( chuckles ) so, uh, hey, you, uh, Reporting a news story or something? Yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news. Wow. Kid in a crane machine. Mm-hmm. You just had to have that toy, didn't you? Couldn't play the game like everyone else. You're all sweaty! Cute kid. Um, you know, It's so funny I should run into you. We're, uh, we're having a party next Friday, If you feel like swinging by. But, you know, whatever. Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. It's too bad it's not tonight. It is... It's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, I guess I've been saying next Friday all week. But, yeah, it's tonight, the, uh, the party's tonight. But, you know, whatever. ( Phone rings) Hello? Hey, am I interrupting anything? No, no, I'm just writing my paper. Hitting the books. Yeah, well, you and lily Might want to put some clothes on. We're throwing a party in two hours. Okay, bye. What are you gonna do when robin shows up? Okay, I got it all planned out. She steps through the door... and where's ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, Showing some foxy young thing all my cool architect stuff. So, robin strolls over, and I casually give her one of these: "hey, what's up?" She says, "hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera." And then, I say, "well, make yourself at home." And, I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later... "oh, you're still here?" I say, like I don't really care, But it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually: Both: The roof! Get her up to the roof, And the roof takes care of the rest. What's so special about the roof? Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline. You can't not fall in love on that roof. We do it up there, sometimes. Solid plan, my little friend. But, may I suggest one little modification. Barney: That foxy young thing you were chatting up, Take her up to the roof and have sex with her. Crazy monkey style... That's not the plan. Barney: Well, it should be the plan. I mean, look at her. Ted, look at her. She's smoking! Thank you! Yeah... But, she's not robin! Exactly! Ted, let's rap. Statistic: At every new york party, There's always a girl who has no idea Whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, And you will never see her again. Do you see where I'm going with this? Barney, I don't think so. ( groans ) Scoping.

I miss it all. The childhood spent in that bountiful castle, the beauty of those rolling green fields...

( Imitates sonar beeping ) Scoping. Man, you're a dork. ( Accelerates beeping sound ) Target acquired! Now it's time we play a little game I like to call "have you met ted?" oh, come on, not this. Hi. Have you met ted? No. Hi. Hi. Do you know marshall? Lily? Woman: No. Hmm. Do you know anyone at this party? I work with carlos. Excuse me. Anyone know a carlos? No. No. On a silver platter. Bon appétit. I don't think so. Your loss, her gain. Excuse me. Can I show you the roof? It's magical up there. Sure. Ted: Wait, wait. Hey, hey, I got that roof reserved. Dude, robin's not coming. Hey, she's going to show up! She'll show up. Ted: She didn't show up. At least it was a great party. I ate, like, four whole cans of dip. You always know what to say, old friend. ( Phone ringing ) It's robin. No, no, not right away... got to seem casual. ( Ringing continues ) Hello? I'm so sorry I missed your party. Who is this? Meredith? Robin. Oh, robin! Hey! Yeah, I, uh, guess you never showed up, did you? No, I got stuck at work. But, they finally got that kid out of the crane machine. Did he get to keep the purple giraffe? Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time, And little kids have small bladders. ( Chuckles ) robin: I wish your party Was tonight. It is... the party's tonight. Yeah, uh... It's a two-day party, 'cause that's just how we roll. Uh, so, if you want to swing by, you know, it's casual. See ya. So, that was robin. What are you Doing to me, man?! I got a paper to write! I know! Sorry! It's terrible! I'll buy more dip! Ted! Ted, wait! Get french onion! Can you believe this guy? I got a paper to write. Okay, fine. But, it's got to be, like, super-quick, And no cuddling after. I'm the luckiest girl alive. You were so right about the roof! The roof! The roof is on fire, ted! That girl from last night... I took her back to my place, Spun her around a couple times and sent her walking. She will never find her way back, and there she is. How did she get here? Did you invite her? I have no idea who that is. She said she works with carlos. Who's carlos? I don't know any carlos. ( Frustrated groan)

The conquests... the blood of my enemies spilled, and villages burnt to the ground in my name.

Hi, you! You're back! I sure am. Mmm. Come on, sweetie, I need a drink. "Sweetie"? Really? ( Barely audible ): Help. Whoa! Whoa, rabbits! Come on, I got that roof reserved. All right. So, it's over between me and works-with-carlos girl. Whoa! That was fast. Yeah. I was trying to think, What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met? I think I'm in love with you. What?! Thanks, bro. Glad I could help. What the... No, no, no. Come on. Sorry, ted. Great. What am I going to do when robin shows up? She'll show up. She didn't show up. All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody wanged, everybody chunged. Now, the kid has got to get to work, And the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me. I will not have sex with marshall. Both: I will not have sex with marshall. ( Phone ringing ) It's robin. Hello? Hi, ted. Amanda? Oh, denise! Sorry, you totally sounded like amanda. It's robin. Oh, robin. Hi. I totally wanted to come. I got stuck at work again. I feel like I live there. I'm sorry I missed your party, again. Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita. Who am I? I guess there's no chance your two-dayer Turned into a three-dayer? It did, indeed. The party continues tonight. Yeah. Uh, last night, people were like, "keep it going, bro. Party trifecta." Wow! Okay, well, I'll be there. Great! See you tonight. So, that was robin. So, I threw a third party for robin... On a Sunday night. Well, this is lame. Lame... Or casual? Lame. Or casual? Hey, law books. Ready for a little 15 minute recess? Sorry, baby, I got to work. I need all my blood up here. Has anybody seen an introduction to contract tort And restitution statutes from 1865-1923? Anybody seen a big-ass book? All ( muttering ): No. Woman: Hello, barney. Of course. You look well. Is it weird they invited both of us? Who? Who invited you? No one even knows who you are! I understand you're hurt, but you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you. Who is carlos?! Hey, where the hell is my...? Oh...! Okay... An introduction to contract tort And restitution statutes from 1865-1923 Is not a coaster! Ted, I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw not one, Not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met Who's probably not even going to show up! I mean, where is she, ted, huh? Where's robin? Hi. Hi, robin. Wow. So, you threw all these parties for me? No. Oh, you thought that... No! I... Okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties Was so that I could introduce you To, um, this guy. Uh, I figured, you know, Since it didn't work out between us And now we can just laugh about it... ( laughs weakly) Anyway, robin, this is... Carlos. Oh! Oh! She's still talking to carlos. I can still win this. I-it's not over. Okay, buddy. Time for the tough talk. Robin seems great, but let's look at the facts. You want to get married. And right now, There's a million women in new york Looking for exactly you. But robin ain't one of them. She's not just one of them. She's the one. Yeah, well, the one is heading up to the roof. What are you going to do? Nothing. It's a game. I got to just keep playing it. ( Rock music playing ) Ted... Hey, carlos, can you give us a minute? Hey, no sweat, hombre. See ya. Robin...

Will I ever be freed of this damnable place?

Look, I didn't throw this party To set you up with carlos, Or the one before that, or the one before that. I threw these parties because I wanted to see you. Well, here I am. There's something here, look, unless I'm crazy. You're not crazy. I don't know, ted. I mean, we barely know each other And you're looking at me with that look. And, it's like... Like, "let's fall in love and get married And have kids and drive them to soccer practice." I'm not going to force sports on them Unless they're interested. ( Iaughing ) It's a great look. But you're looking at the wrong girl. No, I'm not. I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever. I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you Or break your heart, and... I just couldn't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way you feel. Click. Off. Let's make out. What? What? That was the off switch. And I turned it off. I mean, look, sure, yes, I want to fall in love, get married, blah, blah, blah. But, on the other hand... You, me, the roof. There's no off switch. There is an off switch. And it's off. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes... It is. No, it's not. You're right. There's no off switch. God, I wish there was an off switch! Me, too. ( Both laughing ) ( both muttering nervously ) What do we do now? We could be friends. Oh... I know it sounds insincere when people say that, But... We could. I don't know, robin. I've made such a jackass of myself here. We start hanging out, every time I see you It'll be like, "oh, that's right. I'm a jackass." You're not a jackass. Look, I'm sorry. I only moved here in April and I'm always working And I just haven't met a lot of good people so far. But I understand. Well, uh, maybe in a few months, After it's not so fresh, We could all, uh, you know, get a beer. Yeah. That sounds good. I'll see you, ted. Or, you know, now. We could all get a beer now. I'd like that. My friends are going to love you... Like you, you know, as a friend. Jackass. Unbelievable. That's just a recipe For disaster. They work together! Are you jealous? Oh, please. What does carlos have that I don't? A date tonight. All: Oh! Stop the tape. Rewind. ( Imitates tape rewinding ) a date tonight. All: Oh! I'm not sure I like her. Hey, don't you have a paper to write? Dude, you're talking to the kid. I'm going to knock back this beer. I'm going to knock back one more beer. I'm going to write a 25-page paper. I'm going to hand it in and I'm going to get an "a." My name is rufus and that's the trufus. ( Iaughter ) Ted: He got a b-minus. But still, 25 pages in one night, b-minus? The kid was good. At least let me buy you a beer. Come on, I'll buy everyone a beer. I'll help carry. You know something, ted? What? You are a catch. You're going to make some girl very happy. And I am going to help you find her. Well, good luck. I mean, maybe new york's just too big a town. I mean, there's millions of people in this city. How, in all this mess, Is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin? Hi. Have you met ted? ( Music rises over dialogue )

I do not know if I can, but I must.

[STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB]

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOUUU-

[buckywiththegoodhair86]

I'd like to ask Doctor Strange and Black Panther from the MCU fanfiction ask game!

doctor strange - describe the process that leads up to publishing your fics. do you outline the whole thing? obsessively edit it? create moodboards?

Lots of times I'll get an idea for a scene in my head, and I'll spend a while just thinking and not writing anything trying to think up a story for that scene to fit into. Sometimes the story ideas come from things I see online or from talking with people, and sometimes it's because I want more of a thing I saw in canon.

I like to write things in order, so, even if I'm writing a story because of a scene I thought of, I won't write that scene until I get to the part in the story it goes in. (It usually goes pretty smoothly because I've thought it out many times by then.) I've tried writing things out of order based on the scenes I have, and it irritates me greatly and throws off my rhythm.

I work all out of one draft, just editing within it as I go. I've only ever made an outline for one story, and that one is technically still a WIP, so, as far as publishing goes, I've never actually used an outline yet.

I edit a lot. Even before the story is finished, I'm re-reading the parts that are done, changing words and fixing spelling and grammar. I also finish the story before I post any of it. I've occasionally missed actually writing down important details that I had in my head, or realize a later plot point could use some foreshadowing earlier on, so I keep it all in my Word doc until it's finished. Once it's done, I'll give it another re-read or two before publishing. Big projects go to my lovely beta readers before going out as well. These stories are well-edited by the time they see the light of day. (Which makes the few mistakes I do find afterwards all the more embarrassing, but, hey, what are you gonna do?)

I don't do moodboards because I don't really know what they are, and I don't listen to music while I write because it distracts me. Mostly I do my writing in the evenings, as part of my routine for winding down at the end of the day.

black panther - what’s your favorite fic that you posted?

Oof. Man, I don't know. It depends on my mood. I think I shall answer it like this:

My favorite in terms of how people respond to it is My Heart Don't Wish To Roam. People say all sorts of lovely things about that, and each chapter is a lot of fun to create.

My favorite in terms of which one I re-read the most is A Little Problem. Maybe it sounds a bit full of myself to say, but that one is just so cute. And it's fluffy with short chapters, so it's easy to read one here and there for a little pick me up.

My favorite in terms of which one I am the most proud of is Captain Rogers and the Norseman's Cube. That is the biggest one I've ever done, and it was a LOT of work, and I was just so pleased with how the plot and the characters and everything all came together by the end of it.

So, there you have it. Thanks for asking!

[yourfaveisyanderematic]

2! 6! 10! 13-14; 24; 44-45; and 49!! Please do whatever amount you are comfortable with - but I'm glad you've decided to receive questions from this numbered post too!

Man you just went absolutely nuts with this one, huh  Nice.

THIS GOT LONG; I’m gonna try to put it under a cut but you know how Tumblr.Hell has been to me, lately.  Maybe it’s in protest about all the horny content I’ve been writing.

Things that motivate you.

I’m always super stoked when I read something really good, or see an interesting scene in a film or show!  Whenever I see or hear an idea that goes “wow, that’s such a fresh and intense element of horror”, I get a really strong urge to work.  Sometimes it’s enough to make me throw all priority out the window as I struggle to capture an idea before it gets away from me, which is why y’all still haven’t seen that god damn Narancia fic.  I’m working on it, I swear.

It goes without saying, but knowing that people enjoyed something I wrote--especially if I’m insecure about it--also makes me really happy, and I get another burst of energy to write something for people.  Comment on fics, guys!  Tell authors you like their stuff!  You’ll get more!

How did writing change you?

I consider things more analytically and find myself trying to work out how I’d describe a particular emotion, or sensation or experience.  It’s also given me a better appreciation for the work of others!  I tend to pick up on things I like or dislike about a work and better articulate why I feel that way, and then dissect the author’s approach and their strengths in conveying things.  It’s like an English class, but far more fun!

How do you do your researches?

I get the idea for a fic, sit down and write it, and then as I start describing how a character’s thrown through a wall go “...wait a moment.  Would drywall realistically be used in the construction of a house at this place and time?”, which turns into an hour-long rabbit hole where I learn all about Midwestern architecture instead of writing.  Other times I’m dissatisfied with my own understanding of things and have to spend some time running several iterations of a medical (sometimes suspicious) question to get accounts from people who experienced the injury, or a doctor’s opinion on what’s likely to happen.  FBI Agent-chan, I promise I’m not actually going to feed someone lye!  I just want to know some things about what would happen,  if I theoretically did.  Theoretically.

Hardest character to write?

*Narancia materializes behind my shoulder like the ghost of a murdered Victorian child*

...good characters.  I should say, it’s incredibly difficult for me to write heart-of-gold ultra goodboys like Okuyasu as the antagonist of a horror fic!  There are characters who are generally good-aligned but are more than willing to get their hands dirty to get a job done, and there are characters I just really have a hard time seeing hurt people, so I avoid them if I can’t think of a good angle.  I can’t--maybe won’t, it’s all the same thing with my Hell Fuck Brain--write something if it doesn’t feel in character, and I avoid doing pure/straight fluff on this blog.

Easiest character to write?

KIRA.  I used to be pretty interested in true crime and serial killers (a fact that should surprise absolutely nobody), and of all JJBA’s villains he’s very...human, in the way that we have plenty of real-life people with his motivations and deeds, if not his exploding housecat.  I really enjoy dissecting his psychology, because he exposes a lot about his worldview in only a few interactions with women.  Anyway, writing him comes very easily to me, because I understand him.

Favorite scene you’ve ever written?

Why, Anon, I don’t know what you mean!  I love all my scenes equally!

*later* ...I don’t care much for [you’ll never know]

I actually had to think about this one for a moment, because I actually don’t think about my scenes too much once I’m done with them.  Always looking to the next thing to write, I guess lmao.  If I had to pick a favorite, though, I’d definitely say it’s the Doppio scene.  I’ve got a soft spot for that one because of the research that went into it (that ultimately ended up meaning VERY little lmao) and the muted horror and agony that I think really defined what I wanted to do with this blog.  I think I tended to veer more towards psychological horror than body horror since then....until this month, anyway.  Lmao.

Do you write linear or do you write future scenes if you feel like it?

It’s very difficult for me to start a fic ‘in the middle’.  If I’ve got a good middle bit, I’ll sit on it and sit on it until I think of a good way to get there, and it’s not until I have the beginning that I actually start.  Not because I want to, that’s just how my brain works lmao.  I tend to keep most of my writing in my head (drafts WHO?  Outlines WHAT?  Don’t know her, bitch!), so the future scenes I have just stay there and keep developing until I’ve got the scope of the fic all set.

Share the synopsis of a story you work on that you haven’t published yet.

"Company Man”

Haha, what if I wrote a Modern/Office AU...just kidding...

unless...?  Trouble-prone Reader-Chan is a new hire at Brando and Associates, where they discover a whole new definition of ‘cutthroat’ as they immediately get enmired in brutal office politics of unbelievable scope.  The salary’s great, but the workload is...shall we say, murder.

Writing advice?

Play Dnd.  Specifically, run DnD...or any tabletop storytelling game, really, there are plenty of systems that focus on storytelling and don’t really care about dice.  I understand that this might require you to be a little more social than the advice you were expecting, but doing so is going to really help you with:

Flexibility.  You must adapt to what your players unexpectedly do--there’s no way to prepare for every outcome--and still make a story that’s coherent and interesting.  You have to learn that your characters--not your plot--is the king of your story, and sometimes they’re going to take things in a direction you didn’t plan on.  ‘Yes, and’ or ‘Yes, but’ is going to become your best friends, and this strategy will be a big help when you feel like you’re in a writing roadblock because your characters won’t do this or that!  

Feedback.  A story has to be engaging first, deep and profound or whatever second.  Players will be able to immediately tell you ‘hey, this is fun’ or ‘hey, this isn’t cool’, and by playing with different people you’ll be able to catch weaknesses in your storytelling style sooner, and also get a better feel for what you just enjoy doing.

Also, write.  Even if it’s bad.  There’s a post on tumblr with this example, but it’s better to make a hundred shitty pots and improve each time than it is to wait and make a really good pot that could have been way better with the time you spent waiting to perfect it.

[fexalted]

@asdmabel said: MULTIPLES!!! OF!!! THREE!!! MULTIPLES!!! OF!!! THREE!!! MULTIPLES!!! OF!!! THREE!!!

hahaha why am i not surprised

posting it like this bc readmores on ask posts sometimes don't work on mobile? and this is gonna get super long, so (also warning for talk of self harm / child abuse)

3 is a fic where ford, post-bill betrayal, uses the copy machine to make a clone of himself that can perform the surgery to put the metal plate in his head. it's in 2nd person (bc i'm incapable of writing anything else), and in the clone ford's pov

Ford opens an eye, squinting against the overhead light. You shut it off so he doesn't have to strain to see you, and he blinks groggily, taking in the room around him with a bleary gaze before settling on you.

You're about to tell him that the surgery went well, everything is fine, he's going to be okay, but Ford speaks before you do, shattering what little composure you have with one word.

"Stanley?" he breathes incredulously, his voice weak and cracking.

You're not sure if you have a heart anymore but you feel like it just stopped regardless. He's delusional, clearly the anesthesia hasn't worn off completely yet, and he's mistaken you for your—his—brother.

"I... I'm—" you start to explain, but stop suddenly. Ford's eyes are hazy and unfocused but hopeful, and you find you can't take that hope away so quickly. You might as well let one of you believe that Stan is actually here for you.

So you clear your throat and put on your best impression of Stan. Which, admittedly, is not very great; you're a little out of practice.

"Y-Yeah, Ford. It's me. It's Stan."

"Stanley," he says again, softer this time, more like a sigh. He reaches out for you and you flinch back, jerking your hands away instinctively before he can notice the number of fingers on them, and his face just crumples.

6 is the note of cut parts from other fics! which means i get to share the original ending i had started writing for make me believe again!! :D

...which i maybe shouldn't be so excited about, considering the subject matter, oops. in the initial draft of the fic, stan had also self-harmed in the past, and this ending was attempting to address that. i didn't get super far with it bc it was giving me some hard mood whiplash and i couldn't figure out how to fix it, but here it is anyway

"Hi, I'm Steve Pinington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip Off!"

You turn to Stanley, eyebrow raised, your expression a cross between confused and amused. "Steve Pinington?"

"Look, I uh, I couldn't use my real name, okay?" he explains, rubbing the back of his neck as his face and ears turn red with embarrassment. "Anyway they're not even supposed to be playing this anymore!"

"Please tell me that mustache is fake."

"Unfortunately, it isn't."

"Oh my god," you say, unable to stop a laugh from bubbling out of you. "How is that thing real? You couldn't even grow peach fuzz when we were teenagers!"

"Yeah, well, a lot of things have changed since then, haven't they?" Stanley snaps, and your laughter dies instantly. "Sorry," he adds a second later. "Just wasn't really in a good place back then."

You bite your tongue, your heart sinking. He wasn't just embarrassed, he was uncomfortable, and you just made things worse. And right after the two of you had started to truly patch up your relationship, no less!

You guess you both have more to talk about than you thought.

And you know you shouldn't ask what kind of place he was in then, but you're concerned and you need to make things okay again and he's rubbing at his arms and if you don't ask now you never will, so—

"Stanley," you start, hesitantly. "You don't have to answer this, but... The scars, on your arms. Are they...?" You can't seem to get out the final words, but thankfully he seems to get where you're trying to go.

"Some are from fights," he says. "A lot are, actually. You make more enemies than friends when you owe money to the wrong people. But, uh, some of the scars... I made."

Your heart shatters. "Stan..."

"I stopped, though!" he says quickly, before either one of you gets too emotional. "I stopped. I've been good about it, too. It's why I don't hide 'em. Feels like it helps to see how much they're healing or somethin', I dunno. Thought it might help you to see 'em, too. To know you're not alone, y'know?"

"I think seeing them has worried me more than anything, honestly," you say. "But I appreciate the thought behind it. I'm glad you're doing better."

"Right back at ya," Stanley says.

You don't ask him why he hurt himself. You don't really need to guess.

9 is a fic about stan and his conflicting feelings about filbrick (aka, the fic where i throw all my own dad issues). it's a bit of a mess bc i rarely have the energy to write in it so let's just skip to the end where ford gives stan a hug

"It wasn't your fault," Ford says. "You were just a kid, Stan. You didn't deserve any of that, and I'm sorry."

"Oh," you choke out, and you think you're crying? Your hands are shaking and there's a lump in your throat and your vision is blurring and yep those are definitely tears on your face. "Oh," you say again. Welp, this is embarrassing. You quickly try to scrub the tears from your eyes so you can save face in front of your brother, but Ford takes your hands and pulls you into a hug instead.

"I'm sorry," Ford says again, voice wobbling slightly. "I should've stood up for you back then. I should've protected you like you always protected me."

"That's—" you sniffle against Ford's shoulder, which is rapidly becoming soaked because of you. "That's not your fault, either. You were just a kid yourself. You got your fair share of it too."

"I know," he says. "I just..."

"It's okay."

"It's really not."

You try to laugh and end up making some sort of pathetic sob, half-stifled and choked off before it can escape your throat. Another sob slips out before you can hold it back, then another, and then you're all but bawling like a baby into your brother's sweater, while Ford rubs your back in gentle circles and you cling to him with a tight, trembling grip.

and last but not least, 12 is my brain trauma au fic, which i've already sent you a very stan-focused part of, so here's a smaller, still stan-focused bit (i promise this fic is actually about ford at least half the time shdksjdk) that i am very happy with

So maybe your grip is a little too tight when you take hold of both his hands, and maybe your voice is a little too loud and panicked when you tell him to look at you and breathe, but he listens, and he looks, and he breathes. And you grab his glasses and the two scrapbooks off the nightstand, and you flip through the pages together in silence.

And by dawn, the look of blank fear in your brother's eyes has been replaced by exhaustion and guilt and shame. He slumps against you, forehead pressed to your collarbone, and through the cracks in his voice come whispered apologies—for waking you, for scaring you, for forgetting you—and you drape a protective arm around his shoulders and shush him and tell him it's alright. He remembers again, and that's all that matters.

You have weathered your first storm at sea.