#Know it'd last. It doesn't help that as the oldest I was suposed to watch my siblings (or felt I had to) and that stupid rule my parents ha
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Alienation sucks
#Sel talks#Vent#Bleh!!#I've been feeling soooo much lately#The fact that I feel alone with my gender feelings. That it's not something I get to share or experience with anyone else#I haven't been going to my therapist because of one reason or another we're not on the same page#Like. For some reason people expect me not to know myself and how my brain works? When I have no social circles; who else am I going to be#Familiar with?#I keep reflecting on how often I was told I was being annoying as a child and how it affects my self esteem today#Why the he'll would anyone want to be around someone as annoying/clingy as me? I should be glad that they're letting me tag along for as#Long as they have#It really hurts#To lose relationships because I'm afraid of putting in effort only to be someone that's annoying to be around#And the people around me read that as me being unfriendly and it just. Continues#I wonder if my dad ever thinks about how he told me “even introverts have at least one friend by your age”#How many friend groups I'd gone through before high school. How by then I didn't feel like it was worth investing when it seems like I#Couldn't keep them.#4 different elementary schools. 5th grade friend gets home schooled. Middle school friend moves; hurts me; moves again.#Junior high; hardly anyone; the one I do have calls me clingy. High school; I finally get a somewhat stable group but how was I supposed to#Know it'd last. It doesn't help that as the oldest I was suposed to watch my siblings (or felt I had to) and that stupid rule my parents ha#“You can't visit friends until we meet the parents” but they never did. So I learned to never ask.#And now I work under capitalism! Where if you're not being productive with your time you may as well die!#It's so hard for me to find people with my early ass schedule and not being a part of the college it feels impossible.#It hurts so much#It feels physical sometimes#Even if I were to find somewhere or some people; how am I supposed to male the first move!#I'm so gd annoying! Apparently I was the most annoying child in my whole extended family!#How. How is it fair for me to. To inflict my existence on to other people for my own relief.#I can't keep living like this.#I shouldn't keep living like this.
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