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dreamyfanfix · 4 months ago

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Chapter 7: Who Do You Want to Be?

Trigger Warning: Abuse. Assault.

Present:

Anthony never would consider himself an anxious person...

And yet here he was in the waiting room of Beckett, Sharma & Associates. The building was moderate size but he was quite surprised at how small he felt.

He had an appointment with Kate, Anthony was not sure why but it felt like quite a formal affair.

Flashback (Yesterday)

Anthony arrived back at home and was greeted by his mother. She did not look as happy as she usually did or as happy as she usually pretended to be and frankly, Anthony was not pleased to see her.

"Mother what are you doing here?" he asked sighing. "I wanted to check on you. Let you know that I miss you. The littles miss you too," she said softly. Anthony tried to ignore the guilt he felt wash over him "I miss them too but you won't let me see them without you and despite your barging in here I don't want to see you," His mother had tried to walk towards him and he recoiled back so she sighed and returned her hands to her lap "Son, why won't you let me apologise properly?" "Are you sorry?" he asked quirking his eyebrow. "Of course I am. More than you know," she replied instantly. "What are you sorry about?" Anthony asked as he made his way to the kitchen to get some water. "Are you sorry I am not around anymore? Are you sorry your kids finally what kind of monster you are and are avoiding you too? Are you sorry about Kate? Are you sorry that you ruined my life?" The last question came out louder than he had intended but he had not seen his mother since the hospital and he was having a tough time applying all the techniques that his therapist was teaching him. His mother looked taken aback by his tone and guilty "I'm sorry son. More than you will ever know," It was a while before she spoke again "My mother was not the best person. She only saw her way through society as a way to climb up. When your father asked for my hand I was more than happy to leave her behind... but after your father died..." she took a breath and then continued "I needed my mother and she was there for me. I hadn't realised just how much the relationship with your father had sheltered me from the realities of what it is like being in the peerage," "Don't blame them or your mother for your own choices," Anthony said to her and himself honestly. "You are right. I am working on that with my psychologist," Anthony was surprised by that revelation but let her continue "I just wanted you to know that I thought that was how I was supposed to act, that was how I was supposed to be as a mother. I thought it was my job to secure you a favourable match because if I could have control over your match I would not lose my connection with you. I realise now how selfish it was. I also realise how hypocritical it was for me to have this great life with the love of my life but then deny you yours," Anthony held his breath at this moment. His mother hadn't really mentioned Kate since the night they broke up, even when Simon called her up to be his best woman she made it seem as if Kate never existed and Kate seemed happy to do the same. Anthony sighed and rand his fingers through his hair "It doesn't matter now, mum," "It matters now more than ever," she said and something about how she said it made Anthony lift his head to look at her. "Is there something you want to say?" Anthony asked. "Kate was here,"

Anthony barely remembered what his mother had said afterwards but he knew he had to call Kate. His mother left quickly after telling him that she had tried to get Kate and her mother to stay and wait for him to return but Kate's mother was not interested in keeping company with his mother and he couldn't blame her. He had blocked Kate's number before his hospitalisation but he had called her but she was in a meeting so he told her secretary to let her know that he had called.

The thing is once Anthony had unblocked Kate, a lot of messages began to pop up. She had been checking in on him wondering if he was okay, some were even messages about maybe getting coffee. She had called him the morning of the baby shower. He winced at the memory of that event. Of that day entirely.

The response to Anthony's message was not what he thought. He had received a call from Kate's secretary to schedule an appointment so that they could meet this week. They were both free the next day (today) so he jumped at a chance to see her. He wasn't sure what he was going to say but he knew that he had to be honest with her about his feelings and failures even if it didn't go anywhere.

Clara had suggested he bring a family member for support but who was he supposed to bring? Daphne was six months pregnant and Simon was stressed out looking after her. Eloise was finishing up exams. Colin was in Ireland for some reason and he couldn't use his teenage siblings as security blankets. He could have called Ben but they weren't on friendly terms these days. Yeah, they spoke, Ben, was helping out with certain familiar responsibilities but Ben never stuck around long enough for them to talk properly and it still bugged Anthony that over the last two years, he had basically lost four of his closest friends, Simon, Daphne, Ben & Kate.

Kate's secretary Clara had come to fetch him to take him to Kate's office, he smiled at her but he sensed apprehension coming off of her. Trying to ignore the knots in his stomach, he went over the talking points he and his therapist had discussed. It was important to Anthony that Kate at least knew how he felt about her and his failures as a boyfriend and as someone who he considered to be progressive.

When Clara opened the door to Kate's office, Anthony took a breath and walked in.

"Hey, Kate," Anthony greeted trying to sound not as anxious as he felt.

"Hello Anthony," Kate said and then she turned around to face him and Anthony's eyes were drawn down to her stomach.

---

Kate was not sure how she was expected to feel but she was surprisingly calm. She wasn't sure if she was getting unknown amounts of resilience from her pregnancy or because Edwina and Mary had taken up her anger and protectiveness in her stead. Mary was not happy coming face-to-face with Violet Bridgerton yesterday. It was the first time in her life she had ever truly seen her stepmother angry. Kate was sure Mary had probably been angry before but Mary was raised in the peerage so she just assumed she knew how to hide her hostility a bit better than Kate. Well, that theory went out of the way yesterday. Mary made it clear that she and Kate would not drink anything Violet had to offer or speak to her directly. After a while, it seemed foolish to wait for Anthony in a silent living room so Kate told Violet that she should let him know she stopped by.

Before they were able to leave Violet asked if the baby was Anthony's, Mary shut it down and let Violet know that it was no concern of hers and that she would be the only grandmother the child knew.

When Clara told her that Anthony had called about 3 hours after leaving Anthony's place, Kate knew that he knew and instead of feeling dread like how she had been feeling since she found out she was pregnant, Kate felt relaxed because once this meeting was done, Kate was under no obligation to hide her pregnancy anymore and Edwina had been dying to do a pregnancy photoshoot in the style of Beyonce for weeks.

There was a knock at the door and then Anthony walked. Kate hesitated turning around but then looked down at her belly.

"Hey Kate," Anthony greeted.

Kate turned around "Hello Anthony,"

His eyes widened and his mouth opened a bit as he stared at her belly.

Kate looked at Clara who was waiting at the door and said "Thanks Clara. Send up some tea in about 45 minutes please,"

Clara nodded "Yes Ms Sharma," and then she closed the door.

Kate took a look at Anthony who still had his mouth agape and said "Anthony please take a seat," she directed him to the couch facing opposite her as she took a seat on the opposing couch.

Anthony cleared his throat and then said "Congratulations, I guess,"

Kate was shocked at the instant positive sentiment "Th-Thank you," she put her hand on her belly instinctively.

"Is it...?"

"Yours? Yes. I hear there has been some confusion on the closeness of me and Ben's relationship," Kate did not pose the last statement as a question because she knew it to be true Edwina had heard about it at school because Francesca and Hyacinth were talking about it with their friends.

"Yes, well Simon told me I was being an idiot but still... You guys are close," He said the last part softly and Kate felt bad for a moment.

"He knew. Ben knew I was pregnant and since he had caught us in your place exactly 4 months and 27 days ago, he was able to figure out that the baby was yours," Kate levelled him with a look.

"I- I- I don't understand why he didn't just tell me that," he said running his fingers through his hair. Kate knew this to be a bit of a nervous tick.

"It wasn't his news to tell. Besides if you had not had me blocked or yelled at me at Daphne and Simon's baby shower, I would have been able to tell you," Kate said. She hated how much hurt she was letting seep through her tone but it was important to be honest.

"I'm sorry Kate," Anthony said looking at her in the eyes for the first time since he entered.

Kate could not hold the look for long "It's fine. You know now and that is all that matters,"

Anthony sighed but nodded "Yes, we can decide what is going to happen next,"

Kate was actually prepared for this part of the conversation and finally slid the folder she was holding across the table to him "Yes about that, I have a few things you should look over,"

"What is this?" he asked.

"Well, they are tabbed for the mental organisation but the green tab represents the Co-parenting Agreement, the red tab represents the Termination of Parental Rights document, the yellow one represents my medical history since beginning the pregnancy and the pocket at the back has all the sonograms pictures from each visit,"

"Termination of parental rights?" Anthony asked wide-eyed.

Kate sighed "Anthony I know you have been through a lot over the last couple of months, and having a child will only make any mental stresses you have ten times worse. Not a lot of people know about my pregnancy and those that do either think it is Ryan, my ex, or I just went down to the sperm bank. Those that know you are the father are family so they would never reveal the information but we can make them sign an NDA just in case. There is no reason for you to walk out of this office with any more obligations than you already have. You can find an agreeable lady, get married and she can birth the next Viscount Bridgerton. Nothing has to change,"

"Kate, what are you saying? Why would I not want to be in my child's life?"

"Well, that's the thing. If you terminate your parental rights, it wouldn't be your child. Legally," Kate added the last part quietly.

"But it is my child and I would know that," Kate shrugged her shoulders "I am doing better Kate. I don't know what Simon or Ben has told you but I am putting in the work," Anthony looked at her and his looked wide.

Kate sighed "I know and I am happy you are doing well but its not just that..."

Anthony's eyes widened "It's about my mother, isn't it? What did she say to you?"

Kate was taken aback for a second. Anthony being suspicious of his mother's behaviour was not something she was used to "She didn't say anything but Anthony I am not a fool. I know how things work in the peerage. I know how it works in your world. Well, I know enough now,"

"I can protect you," Anthony said and Kate scoffed. She didn't mean to but she had heard those promises from him before.

"As much as I would like to believe that, it's not just about me anymore. I have to do what I have to do to protect my half-Indian baby," Kate said standing up.

"Kate, I'm learning a lot about racial dynamics. I have picked books and have done the work at progressive organisations-"

"That's great Anthony truly but what about your family?" Kate said.

"What if I told you that you needed to cut the majority of your extended family and friends out of your life would you be able to do that?" Kate sighed "This is off-topic. Just take the folder home and think over all that we have discussed today,"

Anthony stood up "Kate, I feel like we need to discuss this further,"

"Anthony I think you need to sit with this information for a little bit longer before making any decisions. Talk to your family or a therapist and make a decision not just on some misguided guilt but on whether you want to be a father and all that would entail,"

There was a knock at the door and Clara came in with the ginger tea to help soothe her upset stomach. Clara set the placement for the tea, Kate thanked her and she left quickly.

"There is a tab with my medical history that has a calendar for all my visits, I have a couple of weeks until my next appointment. I think that should give you some time to decide how you feel about the whole thing,"

Anthony sighed and stood up "This isn't how I thought this visit would go,"

"Nothing really goes the way we want them to these days," when Anthony did not respond Kate led him to the door "Goodbye Anthony,"

Before Anthony walked through the door he turned to Kate "Do you think I would make a good father?"

Kate was taken aback but answered honestly "Yes. I do,"

That seemed to calm him down enough to leave and Kate sunk into the couch closest to the door. His scent lingered in the air and Kate was shocked at how much it calmed her stomach.

---

Past:

Anthony was in agony. It had only been two weeks since he had seen Kate after the benefit. She was not returning his calls or messages. So he would come every two days and leave flowers at the Sharma home. He was delivering them himself in hopes of getting a glimpse of Kate. He didn't know what he would say exactly but just knew he wanted her back.

Anthony walked up the stairs to the Sharma's flat and just when he was about to leave the vase of Tulips at the door, Edwina opened the door.

Edwina looked at him so much ire, he could not imagine someone like her ever hating anyone and yet here she was "Can't take a hint, can you?" she asked with her arms folded.

"Edwina, get back inside," Mary Sharma called to her and Edwina went back inside.

"Hello Mary, I was hoping I could-"

"Speak to Kate? Over my dead body," Mary said and Anthony tensed. Before Anthony could speak again Mary held her hand up to stop him "I wanted to speak with you myself. Kate has been throwing away your flowers and Edwina is allergic so stop this already,"

She said it so calmly Anthony did not reply immediately "I am sorry but I need your daughter to know I am sorry,"

"What are you sorry for Anthony for her being disrespected or us?" Mary asked and Anthony did not know how to reply so she continued "I was rooting for you. I actually understand what it is like to break peerage rules and fall in love with someone outside of your normal society," Then Mary levelled him with a stare and said "Then again I'm sure you know all about that given your investigations into our family,"

"Mary I am so sorry,"

"It's Mrs Sharma to you. Milan is Kate's father okay, that abusive asshole drove his wife out of town and when Milan and Citra were trying to get married he claimed she had run off. Just to save face,"

"Mrs Sharma you don't have to -"

"Only I do. I have to because I had to explain the same thing to Kate. I had to explain something that was so ugly to my daughter, something her father wanted to be buried with him. I had to go against his wishes because your family don't have common courtesy," Anthony hung his head in shame and guilt "We both grew up in the peerage. Our family are colonising rapists and pillagers but we should be proud, while those of immigrant histories have to be ashamed. That night two weeks ago was the first time I was ever thankful Milan was dead because if his daughter's emotional state didn't kill him, he would've killed you. So take this as the final mercy the Sharma family is going to give you and leave us alone,"

Mary went back into the flat and left Anthony on the doorstep feeling dejected.

Had he been able to see through his tears he would have seen Kate watching him walk away from one of the windows.

#kathony fanfic #kate x anthony #kanthony #kathony #anthony x kate #the viscount who loved me #the crazy rich viscount who loved me

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