#Just in case my mutuals didn’t get or see the valentines I sent them these are for all of you

[leighistired]

Out Loud

A Martin character study AO3 Link

“G’night mum, love you.”

“Make sure you put the trash out, don’t want it stinking up the house.”

At 12 it occurs to Martin, he can’t recall the last time his mother said “I love you” to him. She must have. He knows she loves him, so why can’t he remember her saying it? Was it before dad left? It can’t have been that long ago. He knows if he brings it up she’ll just tell him off for being silly so he just decides to not say it unless she says it first. She doesn’t say it.

“Look how nice our neighbor’s garden is,” she says instead. “If only we could have such a nice garden.”

“The neighbors hire a man-” Martin tries to explain. He had just done law maintenance over the weekend; he would have to bring up memory issues next time they saw a doctor.

“Aren’t you happy with how I provide for you?” She snaps. “Ever since your lousy father left us I have done my best even with my health and all you can talk about is getting a bloody gardener.”

“Sorry, mum,” he says. It’s better not to argue when she gets like this.

“Forget it. Just get me my tea.”

He goes and brews her a cup of Oolong tea. It’s far too bitter for his tastes but it’s all he buys when he does the shopping. Perhaps that was it, instead of saying she loved him she just provided for him.

Martin tells himself that until she gets too sick to work and begins needling him to get a job at 14. Suddenly he’s providing for her on top of school and everything else but that didn’t mean she didn’t love him. She was just sick and the medication she was on made her tired most of the time so it wasn’t like he could expect her to be excited to see him; especially not when he’s the one bringing it to her.

“Is soup the only thing you buy?” She asks one evening when he brings her dinner.

“You didn’t have soup last night,” he reminds her patiently after a long day of school and work.

“Oh, so you think I’m ungrateful? I am your mother! I gave birth to you! You should be happy to take care of me!”

“It would be nice if you acted like a mum for once!” Martin snaps back. He regrets it as soon as he says it and doesn’t wait to hear her response. He leaves the house and sits in the park near his house for a long time and cries. Of course she loves him. It must be so hard on her to be stuck at home all day with no one to talk to and there he went snapping at her. She’s asleep by the time he comes home and neither of them mentions it in the morning.

Martin doesn’t know what he expects when he starts to transition. He hadn’t even called it a transition at first, he just likes how he looks with short hair, baggy clothes, and a sports bra. His mother disagrees. There are days she won’t even look at him and when she does it’s usually even worse.

“You cut your hair again,” she mentions one morning over breakfast. “Just when you were starting to look like a girl.”

“Yup,” Martin replies tight-lipped. He had been thinking it over for a while and he’s slowly coming to terms with the fact that he isn’t a girl. The way she says it hits him sharply. If she was never going to say “I love you” to a daughter, why would she say it to a son? He doesn’t bother coming out to her properly because he can already see the disgust on her face when he gets a proper binder.

When she decides to move into a full-time care facility, it’s almost a relief. He feels foolish for expecting her to say it when she leaves. He feels even more foolish when he says it in goodbye. The receptionist gives him a sympathetic look when she doesn’t say it back but the receptionist probably assumes his mother has memory issues and forgot who he was. She doesn’t. Still, he appreciates the gesture.

Dating is nearly impossible for most of his life. It’s easiest to blame his busy schedule; he doesn’t even have time for friends outside of school. The fact that no one even asks him out isn’t something he wants to think about. After he drops out of school and his mother leaves, dating and friendship don’t get any easier. He can’t let anyone he works with get close enough or they’ll find out his real age and utter lack of qualifications. Online dating is also out of the question for similar reasons. If one of his coworkers saw him with the age 19 in his profile they would either know he wasn’t actually 25 or they would think he was a creep and he didn’t exactly feel comfortable lying about his age to potential dates. Meeting people organically isn’t the worst thing in the world but it’s difficult. He makes a few passing friends at a local trans support group but even then, he can’t get close to anyone without risking someone discovering his falsified CV.

He doesn’t have his first real boyfriend until he’s 23 years old. They meet at a Holloween party thrown by a mutual acquaintance and date for almost five months before Martin ruins it.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Dominick, I love you,” Martin says as he serves dinner.

“Oh, uh, it’s a little fast to say that, don’t you think?” Dominick had stammered awkwardly. Was it? It didn’t seem like it to Martin and even if it was, it was true. He loved Dominick.

“I-I don’t think so,” Martin replies nervously. Some distant part of himself starts to berate him for being so needy.

“It kind of is. Let’s just pretend you never said it and we’ll see how we feel in a few more months, ok?”

“You mean we’ll see how you feel,” Martin says a little bitterly.

“Why can’t you just relax and enjoy the holiday?”

Martin had sighed in resignation and picked at the rest of his plate. They broke up a week later because Dominick felt like they were “looking for different things.”

Martin doesn’t have another serious boyfriend after that. He goes on a few more dates over the years but nothing that lasts longer than five months. Nothing that lasts long enough to say “I love you.” In some deep dark part of him, he wonders if he was ever meant for love. His father hadn’t loved him enough to stay, his mother hadn’t said she loved him in over a decade, and he’s not even sure he was in love with Dominick. He gets crushes, sure, but he just throws himself into his work at the Magnus Institute instead.

Working in the library isn’t bad. He gets along with his coworkers well enough but he can never get close to them. Not close enough to love them as friends or be loved in return.

Then he gets transferred to the Archives.

Jonathan Sims is not the first asshole boss Martin has ever had. He doesn’t understand why Mr. Bouchard sent him down to work in the Archive in the first place and his first impression with his new boss is less than stellar when a dog follows him into the building. It doesn’t help that Jon is good-looking and every once in a while Martin catches glimpses of a version of the Archivist without a stick up his ass. Like when he spends Martin’s ice cream birthday talking about emulsifiers. If only he would be clearer about what he actually wants from Martin. No report or follow-up seems to be good enough, even with the help of Tim and Sasha.

Martin works hard for Jon’s approval. He doesn’t know why he wants the recognition but it’s either this or quit and he really, really can’t quit. So he spends three full days looking for every woman named Angela over fifty in Bexley only to be berated for actually talking to one of them and then he offers to look into a case about spiders that clearly upsets Jon only to get trapped in his flat by a zombie worm woman.

When he finally escapes, he takes a few worm corpses with him and he dumps them on Jon’s desk while he’s in the middle of a statement. Let Jon try and disprove that When he gives his own statement he makes special emphasis on reminding Jon how hard he worked to meet his exacting standards. He refuses to be yelled at for this.

Except Jon believes him. More than believes him, in fact. He offers Martin a place to stay. Of course that would be enough to ignite a crush in Martin.

As soon as they get to document storage Martin sits on the cot and begins to cry with exhaustion. He expects Jon to leave but again he surprises him.

“I-it’s alright, Martin,” he says awkwardly as he pats Martin’s shoulder. “You’ll be safe here and I’m certain Elias will respond promptly to my request for extra security.”

“Thanks,” Martin sniffs. He can’t remember the last time he cried in front of another person.

“Would...would you like me to stay until you fall asleep? If- if you think it will help.”

“Oh, er...no...I’ll be fine, thank you. You should be getting home, anyway. It’s Saturday, Jon.”

Martin blacks out as soon as Jon shuts the door to document storage. When he wakes up he finds his crush on Jon stubbornly still in place.

He can’t help himself after that. He starts taking special care of Jon in hopes of encouraging the kind man he saw that night into emerging. At the very least Jon doesn’t yell at him as much and he even thanks Martin for the tea he brings. It’s then that he notices other things about Jon, like how rattled he gets by certain statements and how he’ll often go an entire day without eating or drinking anything unless someone brings him something. That someone being Martin. He also notices how late Jon leaves, if he leaves at all.

It’s on one such night of Jon still being in his office at 11 o’clock that Martin knocks on Jon’s office door.

“Jon?” He calls gently.

“Hzzmt! Martin?” Jon responds, having been startled awake from dozing at his desk. “You should be asleep.”

“And you should be home.”

“I see your point,” Jon sighs. “I’ll finish up here and head home. Unless you need something?”

“Actually….I-I was thinking,” Martin beings. “Since I sort of kicked you off your cot...D’you want to come back to document storage with me? You know, get some sleep?”

“What?”

“Er...forget I-”

“The cot would be rather cramped with both of us,” Jon warns as he gets up from his desk. “If...if you’re sure you want me to join you.”

“Yeah...I thought you had work to do?”

“It can wait until morning, no use keeping you up longer than necessary.”

Martin only half regrets offering to share a bed with his crush. Jon was right, the only way to fit both of them on the cot is for both of them to sleep on their sides (or for Jon to sleep on top of Martin but even the thought has his face burning) and it’s difficult for him to fall asleep with Jon’s back pressed against his. It’s good to hear Jon fall asleep, though, and as time wears on it’s easier for Martin to goad Jon away from work to sleep a few hours.

The more of himself Jon reveals the harder Martin falls for him. Especially after Jon accuses him of being a ghost during the Prentiss attack. Even with the guilt Martin feels every time he looks at Jon mummified in bandages. That was Martin’s fault. If he had just paid more attention then he wouldn’t have lost Jon and Tim in the tunnels. He does everything he can to try and make up for it; despite Jon becoming more and more closed off by the day. Intellectually, Martin knows that Jon has gotten like that with everyone, but something deep down makes Martin feel like it’s his fault Jon’s gotten so cold. It doesn’t help that Jon seems to have gotten friendly with the policewoman investigating the murder of the previous Archivist. Tim even seems to think they’re having an affair which does wonders for Martin’s self-esteem. Jon wouldn’t be the first straight man Martin has ever had a crush on but Martin was pretty sure Jon wasn’t straight. Again, he wonders if he’s done something wrong to push Jon away.

After Jon stumbles out of his office covered in blood claiming to have had an accident with a bread knife Martin finds all the excuse he needs to regularly drag Jon to the canteen to make sure he eats something. The silences during those lunches are hard. They had eaten together before but now Jon wasn’t talking to him. The most Martin could get out of him were a few one-word answers. He tries not to think about how it reminds him of his mum.

“So,” he tries for the millionth time while Jon picks at his sandwich. “Did I tell you what happened while you were at physical therapy the other day?”

Jon doesn’t say anything but he looks up with a gaze that bores into Martin.

“Uh...A little girl came in alone with a statement, she must’ve only been eight years old,” Martin says. Jon looks at him with an expression that almost seems afraid. “Don’t worry, it recorded fine on digital. She walked right down into the Archive, walked up to my desk, and said ‘Excuse me. My name is Beatrice Walker and I’d like to make a statement about a supernatural occurrence.’ She sounded so grown up and she refused to leave until I had recorded her statement. Turns out her dad was using the library for research and she had just wandered off.”

“What was her statement about?” Jon asks to Martin’s surprise.

“Oh, a hamster with mysteriously changing spots.”

“Ah,” Jon replies thoughtfully. “Not much need for follow-up there, I suppose.”

“Not unless you really need me to track down the shop where her parents picked up the new hamster.”

He catches the briefest of smirks from Jon before the conversation dies again.

After that Jon’s coldness and paranoia comes out in the form of a screaming accusation over letters Jon found in the trash. Martin barely manages to make it to the bathroom before he bursts into tears after coming clean about his CV. Tim thankfully doesn’t check on him while he silently curses his taste in men. Jon doesn’t meet his eye for the next week in what he bitterly hopes is guilt. He does seem slightly more willing to talk with Martin at lunch, though.

Then Jon goes missing. After trying to get Martin and Tim to go home early because Jon was feeling under the weather; he disappears. Not before apparently bludgeoning someone with a pipe and isn’t that exactly what he and Tim need to see as soon as they get back from a two-week kidnapping by a spooky door monster?

With Sasha gone, Jon missing, and Melanie King being suddenly hired by Elias, whatever’s left of Martin’s relationship with Tim deteriorates. More so when Martin becomes the only one in the world to believe Jon could be innocent. It’s probably that that makes the police detective “investigating” Jon so actively hostile toward him. Apparently, people say he and Jon are “close” and that probably only means the lunch thing but he wants to imagine it’s something more. Like people are somehow picking up that Jon likes him back.

When Jon comes back to confront Elias it’s all Martin can think to do to fall back on his tea-making. He ducks into Jon’s office with a piping cup of the overly sweet tea he spent months perfecting to Jon’s taste and finds him with his face buried in his one non-bandaged hand.

“Jon?” He calls as gently as he can while he closes the door behind him. “I brought you some tea.”

It’s when Jon looks up that Martin notices the bloody mess down the front of his shirt.

“You’re hurt. Let me go get the first aid-”

“No!” Jon interrupts frantically. “Just...Could you just stay with me for a moment?”

Martin acquiesces and they sit side by side on the sofa in Jon’s office in silence until Jon starts sniffling into his tea. He offers Jon a hug and Jon all but dives into his chest to cry. It’s the saddest most broken thing Martin has ever heard and it’s all he can do not to pull Jon into his lap and curl around him protectively.

“Martin...I-I...I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “For everything. For Sasha and Prentiss and...and for the way I treated you. You didn’t….no one deserves that.”

“None of that was your fault and I sort of deserved it. I didn’t actually know what I was doing.”

“You didn’t deserve it,” Jon insists before going back to quietly crying into Martin’s jumper. Martin doesn’t respond. He can’t recall the last time someone’s apologized to him. At least not like that. He’d been told off most of his life for not doing things up to people’s standards. A few people over the years had told him he didn’t deserve it but Jon was the first person to apologize. No wonder Martin was falling in love with him.

Damn it.

Cuddling doesn’t become a regular occurrence for them by any means but Jon begins doing more to seek Martin out after that. They eat lunch together more often and Martin stays up late to talk to Jon while he’s abroad. It drives home how deeply buried into Martin’s heart Jon has become. Especially after he comes back after going missing for a month and has the audacity to joke about being moisturized by a clown mannequin for a month.

He wonders if Jon feels the same way. Sometimes Jon will smile shyly at him, and he can almost believe that Jon would be interested in a relationship if the world wasn’t ending. The last time they speak before the Unknowing they’re in document storage.

“Are you ready?” Jon asks as he shifts nervously.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Martin signs. He heard what happened to Melanie. He knows what’s likely to happen to him. Some small part of him is screaming to just tell Jon his feelings like it’s the climax of an action movie.

“Stay safe,” Jon says.

“Come back,” Martin replies. Jon offers him a hug. It’s no movie kiss but it allows Martin to hold Jon as close as possible. Jon himself is hanging off of Martin’s neck and it feels like a final goodbye.

Then Elias confirms what Martin has always suspected deep down. That his mother never loved him or if there was a time when she did, she stopped when his father left. Even after everything. After he spent years taking care of her. After he had to quit school to care for her. All she ever saw was his father. All his transition did was to remind her further of how much he looked like his father’s son. At least it was worth it. To distract Elias so Melanie could find evidence to arrest him.

Then Peter Lukas shows up and reveals that Elias planned to get arrested. Worse than that, he offers Martin a promotion of sorts.

Then they get the news from Yarmouth. Tim’s body is found in a charred heap, Daisy is missing, and Jon is dead in all but brain activity. At least Basira is physically alive.

Martin spends as much time as he can next to Jon. He’s used to loving someone who can’t love him back. Maybe this is all he’s destined for. Love unrequited. He talks to Jon’s dreaming corpse. Tells him about his day, reads him poetry, even a statement, but nothing draws Jon out of his coma.

Then his mother dies. He barely has the emotional strength to mourn her. Instead, he scatters her ashes and mourns his childhood lost to trying impossibly to earn her love.

After the Flesh attacks, Martin makes a decision. He’ll join Lukas. It’ll probably lead to his death but what did that matter? His mother was gone and didn’t care about him anyway. Tim and Sasha were gone. Jon was basically gone. Basira and Melanie were the only people left that he vaguely cared about and by doing this he could at least protect them.

He visits Jon one last time in the hospital. He’s still covered in wires and his eyes still flit around violently behind his lids as Martin sits down next to him and takes his hand.

“Hey Jon,” he says quietly. “I...This is the last time I’m going to see you...Probably ever. I know, I know old dramatic Martin surely he’s exaggerating. I’m not. The Institute is in danger and...I have a way to keep Melanie and Basira a little safer, so I’m doing it. I just came by one last time to say...Jon, I...I love you. Goodbye.”

He gets up and presses a kiss on a part of Jon’s forehead not covered in wires before leaving. It’s alright that he doesn’t say it back. No one ever says it back to Martin.

When Jon wakes up everything becomes that much harder. Suddenly he had a reason to live and the way Jon pursues him makes him almost believe...No, even completing the thought would be dangerous for all of them. Jon trusts him enough not to be constantly badgering and that makes it worse. When Jon is there the Lonely makes Martin resent his presence and when Jon’s gone Martin resents his absence.

The final, most excruciating pain is when Jon comes after him in the Lonely. He’s excepted his fate in the chilling numbness of the Lonely. Maybe that’s why he says it. The certain, inevitable rejection would be numbed utterly. So he says it.

“I really loved you, you know?”

And Jon looks broken. Even after he rips Peter’s statement from him. Even when he reaches for Martin’s face with hands that seem far too warm and makes him See. Knowing Jon loves him isn’t like “knowing” his mother loves him. Instead of a lie born in Martin’s mind to stamp down the fear of rejection, it’s a reality pouring from Jon’s mind mingled with Jon’s fears of rejection.

Jon’s hands still feel too warm compared to the icy chill of the Lonely as he leads Martin out. Still, he refuses to let go all the way through the tunnels, the Institute, talking to Basira, packing at each other’s flats, and on to the train. The way to Daisy’s safe house feels like a blur and when they finally arrive it’s all Martin can do to remember to take off his binder before collapsing into bed with Jon’s warm arms around him.

He wakes to Jon’s quiet crying. The awful, stifled thing that breaks Martin’s heart.

“Jon,” he whispers.

“Martin? Did I wake you? I’m sorry, I’ll-”

“It’s alright, Jon,” he assures as he swaps their positions so Jon is tucked firmly against him. Jon makes another broken noise and Martin can’t stop himself from crying, too.

“I-I’m here, Martin. You aren’t on your own,” Jon soothes and Martin almost has to laugh. They lay crying and comforting each other until they both fall back asleep.

When they wake up properly they take stock of the safe house’s pantry and make a list of things to pick up in the village after breakfast. Martin gives in to the temptation to buy a new notebook to try and write poetry in. They have enough canned food to survive to the next ice age so they pick up perishable items like milk, bread, butter, and eggs. Jon also picks up fresh peaches and a box of Martin’s preferred tea. It’s easy to pretend like they going on a normal shopping trip as they walk up and down the aisles to check things off their list.

They return to the cabin and settle in. Martin sits on the sofa and tries to write out a poem while Jon tries to read a book from Daisy’s personal collection. After a while, Martin beings to feel Jon’s gaze on him.

“Is there something on my face?” He tries casually as he’s met with an expression he’s never been on the receiving end of.

“I was just thinking about how much I love you,” Jon sighs. Martin can’t stop the noise that comes out of him. All his life trying to earn love and Jon just says it while Martin’s thinking of a synonym for ‘yellow.’

“I-I don’t expect you to reciprocate,” Jon says quickly, his soft expression suddenly turning worried.

“But I do.”

“Oh…Oh!”

“Yeah.”

Jon starts giggling and it’s impossible for Martin not to follow suit until happy tears stream down both of their faces.

[vivinightingale]

Hanahaki disease and Star tears head canons Part 3 of 3

Since i already wrote hanahaki headcanons for Bakura here , i will be replacing him with my girl Mai Valentine

Hanahaki Disease: An illness born from one sided love, where the victim's throat will fill up with flowers. They will then begin to throw up, or cough up the petals. In serious cases the flowers themselves. There are only two ways to get rid of the said disease. If the person the victim loves loves them back (strong friendship isn't adequate enough) or through surgery. If neither work the victim will suffocate on the flowers resulting in death.

Star Tears: The Sparkly star-like tears, accompanied with twlinking sounds. It's a disease that is caused by unrequited love. The only cure for these glimmering tears is for the love to be returned;  however, if they are not then the light from the shining stars will blind the victim. 

Flowers mentioned: 

Tulip: Love and, Confidence 

Sunflower: Adoration, Loyalty 

Hydrangea: Emotion, Understanding 

Lychnis

~Mai Valentine Stars tears:

~If she got the disease

Since she was little Mai knew she was meant to be alone. Her parents didn't want anything to do with her so what made her think anyone else wanted anything to do with her?

 Yugi, and his friends that's what made her believe otherwise. She grew so attached to the group, and to you. You guys were what anchored her to earth when her thoughts took over, and she will always be thankful to them for that, but you ….you were different. 

From the moment the two of you made eye contact she knew she wanted to be closer to you.

At first she thought it was because she wanted to be friends with you, but as time carried on and she spent more time with you she felt her heart race whenever you smiled at her, she noticed her eyes wonder to you when you guys hung out with the group.

She was in love with you and that alone terrified her. That fear turned into tears, and those tears turned into stars.

She knew what these stars were; she witnessed them first hand from a maid that worked in her parents' mansion.

She hated this, the feeling of fear and the blinding stars. So she decided to do the one thing she could do to get rid of the star. She was gonna confess her feelings for you.

Ever since she was a little girl she knew she was meant to be alone, and since the last thing she saw before the darkness took over  was you confessing to another she knew these words to be true.

She never felt so alone in the darkness she now faces.

~If you got the disease:

You knew the world was a beautiful place, even when dark forces try to take over the world the beauty always seemed to shine through.

It especially got brighter when Mai came into view, to you Mai was something that walked out of your dreams, and you felt lucky enough to know her.

The more she hung out with the group however, the more you came to have feelings for the woman. Everything about her called out to you, and you would be stupid to refuse the call. However, that wasn't in the cards for you.

You werent the one she had eyes for, she had eyes for Joey, and as much as you wanted to steal her attention away from the blonde you couldn't bring yourself to do it. 

You could tell from the looks of both of them that it was mutual, and you couldn't take that away from them or push your feelings on to her.

So instead you acted unaffected as their relationship escalated from friendship to more, but that tough act only lasted so long before the tears came into effect and your ability to see started to leave.

You never went to the doctor to find out why these tears were there because they helped not see the love that flourished between Joey and Mai. So when you finally lost your sight due to the tears you found it both a blessing and a curse. 

~Yami Bakura Hanahaki disease:

~If he got the disease:

The Thief King remembers what his village was like Before it was destroyed, he also remembered you. The person who despite his mean demour went out of their way to befriend him.

He thought nothing of you at first, but as time continued he despised your company less and less till he eventually looked forward to it.

Your smile was more dazzling then any stone he has ever seen, you sparkled like the star at night, and your beauty rivaled the queens. 

He knew he was in love with you but didnt know how to approach such a subject. He was used to the roughness of the streets, not your gentle caress. He didn't have much time to think on how to approach it until the flowers started growing in his lungs.

He didn't know what he hated more, the fact that he was in love with you, or the flowers growing in his lungs.

He didn't try to beat around the bush, when they first started growing he seeked you out immediately. When you greeted him with your bright smile he felt the flowers growing more.

“(y/n)” he gruffed ”….i think i love you”  you surprised that the tall rough man was the first to say it.

The only thing you could do was jump into his arms, and hold him close.

Bakura didn't know why he thought of that memory when he saw the (h/c) walk past him,but he suddenly felt the flowers once again.

~If you got the disease:

Growing up in a small village you knew everyone, well almost everyone. So you made it your goal to get to know Bakura. I took a lot of time and effort to befriend the gruff man.

He made it difficult to get close to him, but eventually you did. Even though he hated when you got close he never pushed you away, even though he hated when you talked to him he never asked you to stop, and even though he said you were the most annoying thing he has ever come across he protects you wherever you get in trouble.

You fell for him, and you fell for him hard. As much as you wanted to avoid him you couldn't. You were drawn to him like a moth to a flame. 

Even as the flowers began to grow in your lungs you couldn't stay away. You got better at hiding the flowers from Bakura, but not from the others.

The local healer noticed the flowers spewing from your mouth as you hid in on the many alleys, but she wasn't the only one who noticed.

When you told Bakura that you had errands to run he became suspicious, so he followed you to check on you. Him and the doctor rushed to your side. The doctor sat you down so you could get your breath back. Mindlessly the doctor told you and Bakura what the disease was and what could happen. Bakura looked at you upset and worried. 

“Who is it then (y/n)?! Don't let this take you from me!” you looked at him with tears in your eyes. “Its you,” you whispered. 

The doctor excused herself as Bakura grabbed your wrist  and pulled you to him.

Bakura was a rough man, but he has never been so gentle as when he held you like this, and here you knew that no matter what you were safe with him.

~Yami Marik Star Tears:

~If he got the disease: 

Yami Marik didn't have the time for feelings, he had a plan set in motion. However fate had other plans for him. When he saw you at Kaiba’s side during battle city, he knew he had to have you at HIS side.

He tried everything to get you, but everytime he tried it was either foiled or you were surrounded by too many people. He didn't know how to go about this, and this frustrated him more than anything.

That's when the tears appeared. They fell endlessly from his eyes and it irritated him more that he didn't understand how to stop them.

While the others were in the virtual world Marik stayed in his room trying to get rid of the tears. That's when you walked in.

You walked calmly to his side “star tears..” he side eyed you as you explained the effects of the disease. You kneeled down to his level, and put his face in your hands. “The future Pharaoh can't go blind.”

Slight confusion came across his face before it was replaced with a smirk “The heal your Pharaoh” the two of you shared a kiss as the tears faded. Now it was time for him to take over the world with you at his side.

~If you got the disease:

You have been friends with Kaiba brothers for a long time, and that had some perks. Like getting into the battle city finals without dueling, and getting to see this demon named Marik.

As you watched him fight Mai something in you felt a fire that you never felt before, and you knew then that you wanted to follow him into whatever pits of hell he came from. 

The problem with these new affections was the tears that soon followed. You knew what these tears were, and you knew how to stop them

Or so you thought When Noah called all duelists to meet with him that unfortunately meant you as well. So you end up in their little charade as you slowly lose your sight.

When you finally did lose your sight in the virtual and real world you distanced yourself from everyone until you eventually faded from everyone's memory. 

~Marik Ishtar Hanahaki disease:

~If he got disease:

Marik has known you for years due to your loyalty to his family. He was close to you, closer then he has ever been with anyone.

Even after he ran off vowing to take down the pharaoh you stayed by him, and acted as one of the rare hunters.

With the more time he spent with you the more his affections grew for you, and he came to realize how much he loved you.

However before the flowers grew Ishizu warned him of the future he had with you, he ignored her warnings but never forgot them.

So when the flowers began to grow in his lungs he knew why, and thus he sent you on less missions just to keep you at his side. 

The flowers grew more and more until he couldn't take it anymore. So one night he pulled you aside away from all ears.

When you went to question him he stopped you with a kiss “I want…..no i need you (s/o) only you are worthy to stand by my side.”  Though you were surprised you accepted his affections and hugged him tightly. “You forever have me my Pharaoh.”

~If you got the disease:

Working for the Ishtar family was never easy, but you enjoyed the company of your younger master Ishizu and Marik. They both treated you like one of their own, and you couldn't be happier.

However Marik was the one you longed for, but you knew you couldn't be with him. You were but a simple servant and nothing more.

When he left the tomb to start his hunt for the Pharaoh, despite Ishizu’s wishes you followed him, and that when the flowers began to grow.

Because you became a rare hunter you were able to hide the flowers from not only Marik, but the rest of the followers. 

It stayed this way until you couldn't take the flowers anymore and you eventually went to the hospital, the doctors told you of the disease, and your options. Instead of taking the first option you got the surgery to remove the flowers.

You may not have feelings for your master,but you can at least still be loyal to him, and that's all that matters to you.     

[neo-culture-taste]

Abeilles au Printemps - Ch 8

Alternate Title: Bees in Spring  

Genre: AU, romance, drama, comedy, smut, who’s the daddy

Pairing: NCT x Y/N (fem)

Rating: Mostly mature themes/ language. Smutty chapters will be labeled 🐝.

Word Count: 13000+ :D

For other chapters, see the masterlist.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s a super late chapter as your present from us! We believe it was well worth the wait~ 💘

You heard your companion's long and heavy sigh as he shifted his car into park in front of your destination. Having yet to let go of the gearshift, he squeezed it in his palm before looking over to you in the passenger seat with a disconcerting feel to his stare--even though his eyes weren't clearly visible through the lenses of his sunglasses. “You know you don’t have to go through with this, right?” 

You pulled down the overhead visor then opened the mirror to apply a light coat of lipstick to your lips--a subtle mauve/rouge you put on before every court case. You would say that it was your lucky color. “He sent over legal court documents trying to sue me,” you replied before smoothing the color onto your bottom lip. "I must comply."

“This is so stupid," he spat, now notably agitated. You knew he was going to try to talk you out of it before he even began speaking. Whenever the subject came up in previous conversation between the two of you, he would become reserved and slightly on edge, but never reveal what was running through his mind. He no longer had the time to beat around the bush--especially since he waited until after he drove you to the courthouse to try and stop you. "He's only trying to sue you because he failed at being the man of your dreams.”

“Jaehyun, my love, please calm down.” You finished putting the lipstick onto both your lips then puckered them together a few times in the mirror. "You’re getting worked up over nothing.”

“I don’t think you should go. Don’t give him anymore attention. What if he tries to spin another web of lies?”

“Then let him. I know the truth. My personal truth.” You closed the visor then bent down to pick up Jaehyun's snapback from off the car floor, before turning in your seat and slapping the cap onto his head. “And I never lose,” you said then cradled Jaehyun’s face in your hands.

Choosing that it was best not to complain anymore, Jaehyun kissed you on your forehead and followed through by kissing your freshly painted lips. He then exited the vehicle and made his way to your side to open the door. He walked you to the front of the court house and kissed you one last time before watching you go through the security scanners. He wanted to go in with you, but he only had the small amount of time it took to pick you up and take you there before his busy schedule for the day began. And as much as you would have liked to have his support during the trial, his presence would only complicate the matter further.

You checked in with your favorite clerk of court, who informed you that the other parties had already arrived. You thanked her then made your way to the small claims court on the other side of the building. Upon entering the doors, you saw Kun already standing behind the podium. He was wearing his white dental coat as if status would work in his favor during all of this. He was foolish to think he would get any sort of favor while he was trying to fight in your territory. 

“And there’s the woman of the hour!” he said loudly announcing your arrival.

You rolled your eyes as you set your belongings on one of several empty benches. The whole court was empty except for the two of you and Winwin, who would be acting as a witness. You had so many emotions bottled inside that you wanted to unleash onto your ex. However, you stayed tight lipped and ignored his welcome. You weren’t going to risk a settlement on your emotions. On cue, as the seconds hand on the clock ticked to the number eight, the court officer and court reporter appeared and began the introductions for the judge. Fortunately, the judge presiding was one of your favorite judges, so you knew that the case would be a cinch. Plus, it appeared as though Kun’s lawyer actually did decide to skip out on his case, making it easier for you. It was a tad bit surprising, since the rabbit never missed a chance to hop on anything that involved making you look bad. But it made sense for him to be a no-show, especially since the particular set of events that brought you here in the first place involved Doyoung himself. He wouldn't want to make himself look bad, oh, no.

“Ms. Y/L/N, I never thought I would ever see you behind the podium as a defendant. This is quite a surprise," said the judge after taking his seat. "Shall we begin?” 

Kun held up a hand to the judge. “Hold on, your honor. My lawyer, Kim Doyoung, is running a bit late."

The judge stared blankly at Kun briefly before speaking. "This is small claims court. You don't need a lawyer," he said and Kun's eyes looked like they would fall out of his head. You wanted to laugh so badly. 

"I don't think I can proceed without him. Are we able to reschedule--”

“No, no. No rescheduling,” you snapped, cutting him off. “You can represent yourself.” You had already dragged this case out long enough. It was time to get it done and get rid of him for good.

Kun stuck up his nose and crossed his arms. “So you can ruthlessly use your lawyer tactics against me?”

“I was going to do that anyway.” What you wanted to say was, 'No shit. We're in court,' but you didn't for obvious reasons.

“Order, order in the court.” The judge shook his head and banged his gavel silencing the both of you. He could already tell by your and Kun's dynamic how this trial was going to play out. “Let’s get this over with," he said and repositioned his body in his seat. “Plaintiff, state your case."

"Gladly, your honor," said Kun and you rolled your eyes for the second time--and so hard that you swore you felt your baby do it, too. "I am suing Ms. Y/L/N for $20,000 on the basis of scarring me both emotionally and mentally during the two year relationship we shared. I am also seeking to be compensated for the time she stayed at my residence due to her own home being renovated.”

“I see," said the judge. "Can you describe to me the actions taken by the defendant that caused you to become emotionally and mentally scarred?”

“She cheated on me with five different men while I was away at a conference overseas. But prior to that, she was staying at my home without taking part in any of the living expenses.”

Oh, hell no.

“I object!” you spat out as your blood boiled hot in your veins. He was not about to claim such a bullshit lie on you.

“Overruled," said the judge before turning to address you. "Ms. Y/L/N, that is actually a warning for you. Neither of you have any actual legal representation today, so no more lawyer speak from you." Seriously? That just pissed you off even more! Now you were definitely rethinking him as being one of your least favorite judges. "Dr. Qian, are you able to present any evidence for your first claim?" he continued.

"She's pregnant, your honor," he stated and pointed to your large and obvious baby bump. "And we never had sex." He let down his hand and a smug smirk appeared on his face. "Also, she has no idea who the father is." Gosh, you wanted to punch him more than ever right now. There was absolutely no reason for him to add that last tidbit of information. 

The judge glanced at you briefly before speaking. Just great. He definitely wouldn't be able to look at you the same way ever again. "Alright, then. Has a doctor diagnosed you with a mental disorder, for example PTSD, depression, anxiety or such?”

Kun visibly hesitated. “No, your honor…" Doyoung was supposed to do all the talking for him. He didn't know how to properly answer with a response in his favor.

“So you weren't officially diagnosed as having emotional or mental trauma nor are you on any medication or seeking therapy?”

“No...well no...but she--,“ Kun floundered in his speech. 

“So you’re suing because your feelings were hurt? Is that it?” Okay. He was still one of your favorite judges after all.

“I don’t want to speak until my lawyer gets here!” Kun half whined to the judge.

"Dr. Qian, the trial has already begun, now let's move on." He directed his attention to you. "Ms. Y/L/N, your defense, please."

You smiled to yourself knowing you had this whole thing in the bag. There was no point in getting angry over this idiot and his dumb trial. There was no way he could win. “Your honor, although it is true that I stepped out on him a few times during our relationship, my home was being renovated and I was invited to stay at his residence without having to take part in any of the expenses. It was a mutual agreement and the idea came from my boyfriend who claimed that he loved me and had plans to marry me.”

"I-I object!" Kun interjected in a full on panic. There was no way he could twist himself out of this without the rabbit.

"You can't object. You're not a lawyer," said the judge quickly dismissing Kun. "We have a witness here, right? Mr. Dong, is it? Would you please take the stand." Winwin nodded and stood up to walk and stand between you and Kun. "Since you're the witness for both parties, please state your relationship to each one.”

"I am a close friend to both Dr. Qian and Ms. Y/L/N."

"But we've known each other for more than ten years compared to the mere two they've hardly spent together," added Kun snarkily.

"No comments, please," the judge told Kun without even looking at him. "Mr. Dong, can you testify for either of the parties."

"Yes, sir, your honor," Winwin began. "While it is true that Ms. Y/L/N stepped out on their relationship, Dr. Qian did, however, invite her into his home as her boyfriend, and he promised to take care of her without requesting any financial assistance." When he finished, Kun rolled his eyes and neck dramatically, annoyed by the fact that his own best friend was testifying against him. Even though you only spent a little time with him because of Kun and Ten, Winwin had still become a close friend by your strict terms. You knew he wouldn't stand there and be unfair to you.

"Anything else you would like to add?" asked the judge.

Winwin looked over at you with sad eyes before looking at the floor and letting out a heavy sigh. "There is one more thing, your honor..." One more thing? Was he about to tell the judge about what Kun did overseas? You had come prepared to reveal that information yourself, having brought the photos Doyoung had given you to present as evidence. But it would save you the breath if Winwin was going to do it for you. 

The judge's left brow raised slightly. "Well, what is it--"

"Hold it your honor." 

All eyes turned to the back of the courtroom as the doors swung open to signal the sudden entrance of your one true rival. A wave of relief washed over Kun as Doyoung made his way to stand between you and Winwin in front of the judge, and he was holding a similar yellow envelope to the one he gave you underneath his arm. Heat radiated from your body at his close proximity to you. You remembered him explicitly telling you that he wouldn't be representing Kun anymore, but deep down you had a feeling that he would in fact show up just to spite you for what you said to him on that day, and because of what he did to you at your baby shower. 

"Ah, Mr. Kim. How nice of you to finally join us twenty minutes later," the judge stated amusedly. Today was nothing short of surprises from the people he had come to know to be highly professional. 

"I apologize for my tardiness. I had a crisis of conscience on whether or not I could represent my client today." A crisis of conscience? You scoffed at his words. His only crisis was choosing whether or not he wanted to besmirch his own name in the process of tarnishing yours.

Kun's body immediately stiffened up again with fear and confusion. "What the actual hell?! Why?!"

"I can longer represent you in this case because…" Doyoung briefly paused to look over at you. Your subdued angry expression caused him to groan inwardly in irritation before looking back at Kun and continuing his statement. "It has recently come to my attention that I am directly involved with the defendant by being a potential father of her unborn child." So he decided to drag his own reputation after all? You still weren't impressed. 

Kun's face morphed into one of absolute betrayal and disgust and the judge's mouth fell open slightly before he quickly regained his composure and cleared his throat. Jaehyun was right. You shouldn't have gone through with this to save you from the absolute embarrassment. You began fanning yourself with your case notes as your body temperature steadily increased. You could feel little beads of sweat starting to form at your hairline.

"You were one of the five guys she cheated on me with?!" Kun all but screeched.

"Actually, I was the sixth one to be notified." Okay. You were really tired of all your personal business being put on blast in this courtroom. 

"Why you fucking ass--" you began to say in your rage but the loud banging of the judges gavel halted you.

"Order! No swearing in the court, Ms. Y/L/N! You know that!"

"I'm sorry," you said through gritted teeth and purposely left off the honorific.

"And I would also like to present a piece of evidence to the court," said Doyoung as he held up the envelope. What could he possibly have had on you now?!

"Baliff, please retrieve the evidence from Mr. Kim." The officer did as he was told and retrieved the envelope from Doyoung and handed it to the judge. "Hmm," he sounded after opening it and pulling out its contents. "These appear to be photos of you Dr. Qian." Of course the rabbit's efficient bushy-tailed behind made copies of the pictures. He couldn't even let you make the big reveal yourself!

"Of me?" Kun was very perplexed, having no knowledge of the pictures being taken. However, next to him Winwin visibly stiffened as the color began draining from his face. 

"Yes, and you're canoodling with a woman who is not Ms. Y/L/N. But the interesting part is that the timestamps of these photos coincide with the alleged date of your conference overseas."

Kun was rendered speechless. He had assumed no one other than Winwin knew about what he actually did during his trip overseas, who still then was spared most of the scandalous details. With his mouth agape, he looked over to his friend for some sort of clarification, and received just that when Winwin refused to look in his direction. It was all over for him now. 

"Although your feelings were hurt," the judge continued, "it seems as though you are doing all of this out of guilt because you yourself cheated on Ms. Y/L/N as well. You also refuse to admit the both of you are cut from the same cloth. It's a shame the two of you aren't still together." Tch.

Now glaring at his so-called best friend, Kun addressed the judge. "Your honor, I have a right to know where these photos came from and why my ex lawyer has them."

The judge held back from rolling his eyes again. Did it really matter at this point? Kun was caught red handed. "Yes. Mr. Kim, do you care to answer?"

"I gave them to him," cut in Winwin.

Everyone was taken aback by this sudden revelation. You looked over to Doyoung and though his expression was neutral, you noticed he was clenching his jaw tightly, a clear indication that he had no idea where the photos originally came from or how Winwin tied into any of this at all.

"What?!” Now your roles were reversed. Kun was now fuming and you were very confused. “Did you follow me on my trip?! You're the one who sent me on the trip!'

But you quickly switched back to being livid. "He sent you?" Winwin flinched at your tone and did his best to avoid eye contact with everyone in the room.

"Order, order!” The judge banged his gavel once again. “Mr. Dong please explain the statement Dr. Qian just made."

Winwin took a deep breath and turned to face you. When he picked up his head to look at you, his guilt filled eyes locked with yours and you suddenly found it slightly difficult to breathe. "Well your honor I am a travel agent,” he began without breaking your gaze. “But I noticed for a long time that there was a disharmony in their relationship, and I figured a bit of separation would do them some good.” Winwin had noticed? You had thought you were doing so well to conceal how unhappy you were in your relationship with Kun. You had even convinced yourself that it would work out and Kun showed no signs of his discontent either. How could Winwin have seen through the both of you so easily?

“I gifted Kun with an all expenses paid vacation and conspired with him to lie about it being a conference trip, but I didn't encourage him to cheat. Kun did instruct me to keep an eye out on Y/N, but of course I'm not going to babysit a grown woman.” Winwin paused for a moment, letting everything sink in before hitting you with the rest of his shocking testimony. “But I...I hired someone to keep an eye on Kun because I knew he would go over there and do something dumb like this, and also in hopes of catching him in the act to help break the two of them up, since neither unhappy party could do it themselves.” 

"But you're my friend!” Kun exclaimed angrily. “You barely know her!"

Winwin winced but never broke eye contact with you. "The two years I've known her was enough to create a solid relationship. And just because the two of you broke up doesn't mean I have to end our friendship as well. I know it was selfish on my part but it needed to be done." He paused in an attempt to swallow the lump forming in his throat. "I truly care for Y/N. Because she's a very important woman in my life. And I hated to see her in such an unhealthy and forced relationship whether she wanted to admit it or not. I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me. And if she doesn't, then that's something for us to sort out later in private."

You forcefully broke eye contact with him, no longer able to look at the painful sadness deep within them. This whole situation was beginning to make your head hurt. Your heart was pounding in your ears and you placed your hand on your heaving chest as you tried to come to terms with the possibility of Dong Sicheng being secretly in love with you. Where was this coming from all of a sudden? How long had he felt this way towards you? Why was it so hard to fucking breathe?!

Kun’s eyes narrowed in contempt at the back of Winwin’s head. "Did you sleep with her, too?"

"Your honor!" you half screeched with enough force to cause you to lose your balance. Doyoung was quick to catch your arm and stabilize you, but you quickly took your arm back from him, not wanting to be touched in such a distressed state. Doyoung also took notice of your flushed cheeks, his brows knitting together in concern at your labored breathing, but the banging of the judges gavel and the barking of his name ripped his attention away from you.

"Order, I say! Mr. Kim! Is it true that Mr. Dong gave you these photos?"

You saw Doyoung take a deep breath and honed in on the way his Adam’s Apple bobbed up and down in a double swallow, a tell that only you knew he did when he was about to tell a lie. "Yes, your honor."

"Very well then. It seems as though you do not have a case here, Dr. Qian. Not only are you not actually emotionally affected by Ms. Y/L/N’s actions, it has been revealed that both of you were actively disloyal in your relationship. Since this was merely a pointing fingers case, I have no choice but to rule in the favor of the defendant.” The judge banged his gavel for the last time. “Court adjourned,” he said and began rising from his seat but stopped his action midway. “Oh, and Mr. Dong. You need to be more honest with your friends.'' With that the judge continued with making his exit.

Kun stepped away from his podium to confront Winwin about what he had done, the latter trying his best to escape the courtroom. You yourself needed more clarification on the matter and wanted to speak with him as well, but as soon as you took one step away from your podium a wave of dizziness hit you and you found yourself falling forward. 

“Y/N!” Doyoung called your name urgently as he caught you once again, and as soon as your forehead fell against his chest, he felt how sweaty you were through the fabric of his dress shirt. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at you and each of their faces flashed with worry once they laid eyes on the scene. “Are you feeling okay?” asked Doyoung as he tried to right your stance. But you didn’t have the strength to hold yourself up and continued to grip onto Doyoung’s suit jacket for support. “Y/N, can you breathe?”

You shook your head in dismissal. You wanted to tell him you were just a bit worked up and the feeling would pass, but your baby was kicking up a storm inside your belly. So with your fuzzy mind focusing on that sensation, the only statement that escape or lips was a breathy, “My baby…”

“Is everything alright?” called the judge.

“No. I believe Ms. Y/L/N needs to be taken to a hospital,” said Doyoung imperatively.

“No..I don’t..” you pleaded with a whisper but you were convincing no one with the way you still clung to the other attorney.

“I’ll call an ambulance,” said the court officer and he readied to take his phone from his belt.

“No, I’ll take her. It’ll be faster,” said Doyoung. “Is there a wheelchair available?”

“I’m fine,” you said sternly after managing to pick your head up. While holding onto him you were able to catch your breath and stabilize your breathing. Your baby was still doing a dance inside you, but the pounding inside your head was also beginning to subside. "Whatever it was passed." You released your grip on his jacket and started to move away from him, but you misstepped and stumbled a ways backwards. And Doyoung was right there to catch you once more, this time by the wrist.

"No, you're not and it didn't," he said authoritatively. "I'm taking you to an emergency clinic."

Ugh, no. Not again. "Doyoung, I don't-"

His eyes narrowed slightly. "You may feel fine, but think about the baby, Y/N." He kept his hold on your wrist as the two of you had a stare down in the middle of the courtroom. You knew you should go. You just didn't like the fact that it was Doyoung telling you to do it.

"Ms. Y/L/N, please let Mr. Kim take you to the emergency clinic," ordered the judge. "Or I'll fine you in contempt of court."

You rolled your eyes at the judge and let your arm go limp in Doyoung's hand. "Okay. Take me. But I can walk."

The ride on the way to the emergency clinic was mostly silent. He wasn't sure where he stood with you at the moment. Yes, he was taking you there, but any decent person would do that for a pregnant woman in distress. Even if he did provide you with the evidence to win against Kun, he was pretty sure that you still hated him, especially with the way he had originally given you said evidence. It wasn't exactly one of his most thought out decisions, but he rarely thought anything completely through when it came to you (unless it had to do with work). He did it with semi-good intentions. And he wanted to ask you if you had taken any more steps in finding out who the license plate number he wrote down belonged to. But that didn't matter anymore. Winwin had already confessed to orchestrating the photos. Besides, he didn't want to add on to your already high levels of stress. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw you fan yourself with your hand, then mentally kicked himself for not automatically blasting the AC for you. "I'm sorry," he said, breaking the silence. Slightly startled by his sudden apology, you turned your head to see him moving his hand towards his control panel and lower the temperature on the passenger side of the car. "You should have said it was too warm."

"Ah, no. I'm fine," you said and waved a hand dismissively. "It was just another mini hot flash. It'll pass soon." 

"Oh, okay," he responded without looking at you and continued to focus on where he was going. 

Oof, it was so awkward. Like Doyoung, you also didn't know where the two of you stood anymore. You still hated him, but you hated him a lot less? Or maybe you didn't care to hate him as much anymore? You didn't care about anything anymore at this point. You were just done with everything that was going on in your life and only wanted to focus on having your baby and taking care of her with your new fiancé. 

You looked down at your belly and smiled to yourself at the thought of being engaged to quite possibly the man of your dreams. Not even Doyoung, Kun, or Winwin could ruin how happy you were with your life right now. Placing your left hand on your stomach, you rubbed it up and down against it, liking the way the ring looked on your finger in contrast to the color of your dress. 

As you were lost in your thoughts, Doyoung heard you sigh in contentment and quickly glanced over to see you rubbing your belly. His shoulders relaxed at knowing you had come completely down from being so worked up in the courtroom earlier, but then he immediately tensed back up again when your hand moved through a patch of sunlight and your ring glimmered as it passed through the rays. With clenched teeth, his hands gripped the steering wheel as he tried to quietly even out his breath. He didn't have to do much thinking as to who gave it to you. He could tell by the extravagance of the ring that only one person could afford it. Besides, it was obvious who you were going to choose from the start--anyone but him. And it was entirely his fault.

Doyoung pulled into a parking spot in front of the emergency clinic, then quickly got out of the car to open your door for you and helped you out. Once you were steady on your feet, he kept his grip on your hand, closed the door to his car and led you to the entrance of the clinic. "Watch your step," he prompted you when you made it to the door and opened it. 

"Thank you, Doyoung. But I can take it from here." This time he let you pull your hand away from him, but not without some noticeable hesitation. 

"Are you sure?" he asked you knowing full well that you could handle everything on your own. But he was coming to terms with his loss, and wanted to hold on for just a little bit longer. 

You tried to gauge whether or not he was truly concerned about you and your baby, but you couldn't get a clear read on his facial expression. "Yes. I'm fine."

Doyoung sighed before placing his hand in the middle of your back and started pushing you the rest of the way through the door. "If you were fine, then we wouldn't be here."

"No, really," you pleaded as he guided you the rest of the way to the check-in counter. "You don't have to stay."

Once at the counter, Doyoung quickly told the woman at the desk about what happened to you earlier, listed your symptoms, and told her that you were not fine no matter how many times you told him that you were. You were half-surprised about how much he knew about possible pregnancy complications, but this was Mr. Walking Textbook after all. The woman agreed with him of course and you rolled your eyes at them both before she handed you a clipboard with your information already filled out for you to review. This was your third visit to this particular emergency clinic in the past year. Maybe they would give you a lollipop prize this time. 

Doyoung sat across from you in the lobby as you waited for a nurse to retrieve you. He was trying his best to occupy himself with one of the magazines provided, but you knew he wasn't actually absorbing anything he was looking at. You knew he was just being his annoyingly thorough self and wanted to make sure you and the baby were absolutely fine. But the whole situation was weird, and at some point you truly just wanted him to leave. The awkwardness of it all was beginning to get under your skin.

You pulled out your phone to distract yourself by texting Mark about what happened, but decided against it since you had been worrying him sick already for the past six months. You texted Jaehyun instead. Soon he would be legally obligated to worry about you and you needed to get out of the habit of relying on your little brother for everything ASAP. You reluctantly texted Ten as well, not really wanting to get chewed out by him but knew it was necessary. He would find out sooner or later from the clinic you were in, anyway. You knew he wasn’t going to answer you until a few hours later, and when he finally did he told you he was going to personally tie you up himself and lock you in your bedroom until your due date.

Jaehyun texted you back fairly quickly despite his busy schedule. He told you he was on his way despite you telling him that you were okay and that he didn’t have to drop everything to be with you. Why were all the men in your life so annoying and/or overprotective of you? However, you did have a feeling once the baby was born, they would all stop caring about you and devote all their attention to her. Maybe then you’d finally have a break.

“Ms. Y/L/N,” the nurse called you to go into an examination room. 

Upon hearing your name, you stood up from your seat with a little bit of difficulty, but was steadied on your feet by Doyoung, who you hadn’t even seen stand up. “Make sure you tell them everything,” he advised you before letting go of your arm. 

You rolled your eyes again. “Yes, mother,” you said sarcastically under your breath, causing a very faint smile to appear on Doyoung’s face.

The nurse studied your interaction with each other then her eyes scanned down to the ring on your finger, and you saw them flicker with misunderstanding. “Remember, you can go with her to the examination room if you want—” she tried to assure him, but you cut her off when you saw where her gaze remained.

“That won’t be necessary,” you said and began walking yourself through the hallway. “I’ve already notified someone else to accompany me.”

“Oh, um. Okay.” Before leading you, the nurse gave one last wary glance at Doyoung, whose face was once more devoid of emotion while his eyes told another story.

In the examination room the nurse performed the routine of asking for your medical history, taking your blood pressure and checking your vitals, then the doctor came in shortly thereafter. “Well if it isn’t you again,” the doctor said cheerily as he walked through the door. He must have been having a good day. There weren't many people waiting in the lobby, so you figured he was happy about his light workload. “Oh, my. You’re about ready to pop, aren't you?” You recognized him as the young Dr. Huang Renjun who first diagnosed your pregnancy six months ago. At least you didn't have to deal with anyone new that day. 

“In a few weeks, yes,” you answered him concisely, not really in the mood for small talk and just wanted to go home and take a nap.

“That’s wonderful,” he said genuinely then put his pen behind his ear. “But what isn’t wonderful is you stressing yourself out and developing high blood pressure, ma’am.” His expression turned serious and you could hear the disapproval in his voice. “I’m sure you’re aware of the complications hypertension could cause for both you and your child, hm?”

You sighed. “Yes.”

“I know you were probably hoping that nothing major had happened to you today and you would just be told to rest at home, but unfortunately we will have to run more tests on you and conduct an ultrasound to check on your baby.” He turned to the nurse and told her what tests to prepare for and she nodded and left the room.

You groaned to yourself and combed your hair away from your face with your left hand. You were so sick of ultrasounds. You were so sick of hospitals. But everything happening to you was your fault, so you really didn’t have a right to complain. 

Dr. Renjun caught the twinkle of the giant rock on your finger when you moved and his cheerful demeanor returned after he was done gawking at the size of your diamond. “I see you have gotten engaged since we last met. Congratulations!”

A bit taken aback, you smiled somewhat shyly and covered the ring with your other hand. You weren’t used to being engaged, having only been so for little over a week. And since no one else knew about it, it was a little shocking when strangers noticed. “Thank you.”

“Would you like for us to inform your companion about the next steps, or for him to come in here with you?” he asked you.

“That won’t be necessary,” you repeated the words you told the nurse earlier. You didn’t expect Doyoung to still be waiting in the lobby anyway. 

Dr. Renjun’s lips pursed in thought. “Hmm. He didn’t come in with you last time either. Is he not your fiancé? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”

Wait what? Last time? Dr. Renjun had an incredible memory to know such a random detail about a patient he had only seen once over half a year ago. However, your memory from the last visit to the emergency clinic was hazy since you were passed out for most of it, and the announcement of your life changing news kind of overpowered everything else. You vividly remembered Kun fainting, but you had no idea who had taken you to the clinic in the first place. Doyoung wasn’t the first person on your list of possibilities.

“No, he isn’t,” you answered him still somewhat in a shocked state.

Seeing the surprise evident on your face, the young doctor couldn’t help himself but to know more. “Then can I assume it was your boyfriend? The man that fainted when I broke the news? Have the two of you worked things out?”

You visibly winced at the mention of Kun, causing the doctor to tense up. “No, we didn’t. He’s actually the reason I’m here.” He relaxed a bit when you continued to speak, grateful he hadn’t overstepped, but his interest was piqued higher now, and also with a bit of concern. “He tried to sue me. I came here from the trial.”

“Yeesh,” the doctor efficiently articulated how you were sure everyone looking in from the outside felt about your situation.

“Tell me about it,” you said chuckling to yourself. “And the guy that brought me here could be my baby's father.” Dr. Renjun raised an eyebrow, but didn’t respond as you continued speaking. “As well as my fiancé...and some other guys.” You weren’t sure why you were telling him all of this, especially since you were a very private person. Perhaps you simply needed a new outlet and an unbiased take on the matter.

Dr. Renjun nodded and you half expected him to say ‘yeesh’ again, but instead he continued to be upbeat. “Well it seems everything has worked out for you in the end,” he said with a smile. “But they won’t stay that way if you don’t start taking better care of yourself,” he scolded you as he went back into doctor mode. “We haven’t conducted the tests yet, but I’m telling you now I’m prescribing that you go on bed rest for the duration of this pregnancy. I'm sure your OBGYN will say the same thing. And speaking of tests…” The doctor looked around the examination room in confusion before looking back at you on the bed. “Where is my nurse? She never came back!”

The young doctor pulled back the curtain to search for his nurse and saw her as well as a few other nurses dilly dallying in the hallway and gawking at something going on by the front desk. But soon the object of everyone’s infatuation almost knocked Dr. Renjun to the floor in its haste to see the very pregnant lady he had just been speaking to about her boy problems.

“Y/N! Are you okay? What did the doctor say? Where are they?” Jaehyun cupped your face in his hands and gazed worriedly into your eyes. 

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I told you I was fine,” you reassured him and removed his hands from your face. “And the doctor was the man you almost trampled when you ran in here.” You gestured towards Dr. Renjun who was staring at Jaehyun like he was a ghost. The young doctor knew exactly why Kun had tried to sue you now.

“Y-You’re…” Dr. Renjun had barely managed to form words when Jaehyun turned to face him. His wide eyes slid over to look at you and you gave him a smile and a shrug as confirmation to his silent question. He cleared his throat and adjusted the clipboard in his hands. “You must be the fiancé. I’m Dr. Renjun. Pleased to meet you.”

Jaehyun first looked at you confused as to why this stranger knew your secret, then he looked back to the young doctor, a bit skeptical of his age and the legitimacy of his credentials. “And you as well. What’s going on now, doctor?”

“She presented with high blood pressure, and we were about to run more tests. Please wait a moment while I retrieve the nurse.” Dr. Renjun said then all but ran out of the examination room.

“What are you doing?” You yanked him by his sleeve closer to you so you wouldn’t have to talk too loudly.

“I told you I was coming.”

“No, I meant what are you doing without wearing a disguise?" 

"I didn't have time to think about all of that."

"Did you at least have sunglasses on before you barged in here?"

"That's not important right now."

"We can't be seen leaving here together. Are you out of your mind?"

"Chill, Y/N. He literally just said you have high blood pressure. Calm down. They have a back door we can use." But his dumbass still walked through the front! 

"Did anyone in the lobby recognize you? Was--" You were about to ask him if Doyoung was still there waiting, but decided not to at the last second. You didn't want to complicate things any more than they already were. "You're sure everything is fine?"

"No, everything isn't fine. You're sitting in a hospital bed instead of safe and sound in mine." 

You cringed and had butterflies at the same time. "Ew, please stop talking. And I want to go home after all of this. I'll be the most comfortable there."

Jaehyun sighed as he played with your fingers. He knew you didn't plan on officially moving in with him until after the baby was born, but it didn't stop him from trying to persuade  you whenever he could. "Fine. If that's what you want."

Dr. Renjun came back with the nurse and they managed to properly administer the tests whilst being starstruck in your fiancé's presence.  Nothing out of the ordinary could be seen during the ultrasound and your baby was doing just fine. However, you were still prescribed bed rest and told to take it easy.

Once you were back at home, Jaehyun couldn't stay like he wanted to and was only able to walk you to the door. His assistant was blowing up his phone and he couldn't ignore him or the rest of his responsibilities any longer, so he said his goodbyes and ripped himself away from you. You stayed in bed like you were told and fell asleep while watching an afternoon game show until your bladder woke you up a few hours later. 

After you did your business in the bathroom, you began your waddle back to your bed, but as soon as you placed your hand to pull back the covers, your doorbell rang. You huffed then called out for your brother to answer the door, but received no response. Then you remembered he had a date planned with his girlfriend and probably left home while you were asleep a long time ago. The doorbell rang again and you begrudgingly waddled your way to the intercom, only to see Yuta standing on the other side of the camera. 

”Yuta? What are you doing here?” you asked him after you cracked the door open just enough to reveal your face. 

“A little birdie told me that you went to the emergency room today. So I thought I’d come by and bring you some food to eat." He held up two plastic bags filled with to-go containers in each hand. "Get your spirits up," he said and tried to push the rest of your door open with his foot, but you blocked his way from entering your apartment. The only people that knew you went to the clinic were Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Ten, none of which were anywhere near being pals with Yuta. So him finding out any other way was very concerning. 

You narrowed your eyes at him. “A little birdie?” 

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you know. Tweet tweet,” he said flatly with no change in his voice. It was the manliest bird sound you had ever heard.

“Yuta.” You pushed the door on his foot between it and the door frame. You weren't letting him in without a proper explanation. 

“Ugh, okay! My kid and I were walking into the pediatric emergency room on the other side of the building and I saw you and Jaehyun walking out the back entrance from across the way," he said and wiggled his foot out of capture. "He’s really trying to be your first choice, yeah?”

Alarmed by what just so casually came out of his mouth (and completely ignoring his second statement), you let Yuta slide past you into your home with his bags of comfort food. “Oh my gosh! What happened? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, yeah he’s fine. He got into a scuffle at the soccer game. He was already missing his top two front teeth, but now he's missing the two on the sides of those." He ripped open the bag of food and began arranging the to-go boxes on your kitchen counter. "And he has a concussion thanks to my client’s son--who I’m beginning to suspect is not the age everyone thinks he is. That kid is huge! Are you interested in a new client? Because I’m about to drop this douchebag.”

“Oh no, Yuta! I’m sure it was an accident," you said doing your best to situate yourself on one of your bar stools. "And no, I don’t need another client. I'll be up to my neck in work once I come back from being on maternity leave. Wait a minute...why are you here and not at home with your son?!”

Yuta began opening the second bag. “Relax, relax. He’s with my parents. I had to go to the office and grab some files really quick since I have to work from home for a few days now to stay with him. I grabbed food right after and thought I’d swing by and bring some for you, too. Because I'm the best person ever."

“Our work never ceases, does it? I appreciate you thinking about me.” You opened one of the containers  and was delighted to see an assortment of your favorite buffet foods. All those lunch dates with Yuta had paid off. He knew exactly what to pile up into the cartons. “Yuta, you really are the best. Thank you!”

“No problem, baby cakes" He picked one of the plastic forks and began stuffing his face whilst still standing next to you. "So, the rabbit sent you to the ER for the second time, huh? What the hell is he doing to people in the courtroom?"

You sighed and you pierced multiple pieces of food onto your fork. "It wasn't him. There was a lot more information that was revealed about the case and I guess...my heart couldn't take it in the literal sense."

Yuta almost choked on his food, not having expected you to say something as drastic as that. "Are you serious? What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine now, It was just that everything that happened today was the final straw in making my blood pressure go up. Now I'm on lock down.”

"Damn. That sucks," he said between mouthfuls. "It sounds like it was a real mess."

"Hm, yes. It was a sight to see." You took a bite of your food. "Until, you know, my heart started beating out of sync and I couldn't really breathe." You took a moment to chew your food and swallow. "All of you guys are driving me nuts."

"Hey, you just said I'm your favorite." You definitely hadn't said that, but you didn't want to stop him from bringing you food again, so you let him believe whatever he wanted. "And since I'm the favorite, I have something I want to ask of you.”

“Anything for my favorite food delivery man.”

Yuta licked some sauce off his fork. “I’m thinking about asking your friend on a date." 

You ungracefully dropped the food you had scooped onto your fork. "Huh?"

"The pretty one that was the hostess at your baby shower. Y’know, Y/BFF/N. Can you give me her number please? I also wanted to get your input on what restaurant I should take her to. She’s a pâtissière so I don’t want to insult her palette.” You weren't expecting him to ask you this of all things! You thought he was going to ask you to babysit his son, not be his wingwoman!

“My best friend? Yuta, sweetie, please.” He couldn't be serious. And did he not think about how incredibly awkward it would be if your daughter turned out to be his? You laughed at the thought and absentmindedly popped a spring roll into your mouth with your left hand, unaware that you just flashed him your shiny secret.

Immediately, Yuta's eyes narrowed slightly when he noticed the ring, but pretended not to see it as something clicked inside his head. “Please what? Is there something wrong with her?”

“No! Of course not," you quickly corrected. "She’s fine."

“Why can’t I see her then?” He placed his hands on his hips and you couldn't overlook the rigid state of his body. 

“It’s not...that you can’t see her. I just know you, Yuta. And...I don’t want her to get hurt.” You knew how it must have sounded to him, but you didn't know how else to explain it. 

Of course he took offense, and now he was ticked off. “Why would I hurt her?”

You took a deep breath, not really wanting to have to spell it out for him. “You’re a player. A womanizer. She's not the type you can mess around with. She needs someone who's serious and you don’t know how to settle down.”

Yuta scoffed. “I don’t know how to settle--I’m divorced remember.”

“Yeah, but--“

“But what, Y/N? You think I was the reason it didn't work out, right?"

"That's not--"

"You think I went into my marriage without any feelings? You think I was just playing around and chose to get my heart broken? Do you honestly think I would voluntarily go through that shit again with somebody else?" 

You sat there speechless, stunned by such a visceral reaction you never expected to come from your coworker. The two of you used to talk about how he messed around all the time and how it would be a while until he would want to be in a real relationship again, but it never elicited this kind of reaction from him. Was he actually serious about dating your best friend? Or was it something else you said that had set him off? 

"I tried to make it work," Yuta continued. "Not just for me, but for my son, too. I stayed in that loveless marriage as long as I did all for my son’s sake. But it got to the point where I was tired of being emotionally manipulated. It was so bad I had to seek professional help. You didn’t know that, did you?"

“No…,” you said guiltily and casted your gaze to the floor. 

“And you never thought to ask either. You never once asked how the divorce affected me or how I was feeling. You just assumed I was a terrible excuse for a man." Your head popped back up and you vigorously shook your head to let him know that wasn't true, but he continued talking and didn't give you a chance to speak. "Yes, I sleep around, but according to my therapist I’m trying to fill a void. I was treated so badly by my ex-wife I seek out different people to sleep with to feel something, anything." He looked directly into your eyes and for the first time you had seen the ostensible melancholy he had tried so hard to mask behind his carefree exterior. "I was numb, Y/N. I was seeking purpose."

"Yuta, I...I'm sorry," you apologized. "I didn't mean to upset you."

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “Yeah, I know. It's just…after watching you go through all this shit with your baby, I realized I needed to change my ways. Not only in the event that she's mine, but to be a better example to my son, too. I'm serious about this, Y/N. I'm willing to commit to the baby. To you. To us. In whatever capacity that may be. Whether that be a co-parent or a friend. However you choose to use me.”

Now it was your turn for your eyes to narrow. Everything Yuta had said was reassuring to you until his last sentence. You didn't like the idea of what he was insinuating. “What do you mean by 'use you?'”

Yuta smirked now that he was the one to get under your skin. “I’m not stupid, Y/N. I know I’m not your top choice in being your child's father. And I damn sure know I’m not in the running to be entrusted with your heart.”

“Yuta, that’s not true."

“Don’t lie. I see the way you look at the other guys. Jaehyun specifically. Everyone else never had a chance. And what fucking sucks is that you continue to keep all of us on a string. If we stray away, then you can pull us right back in. And you absolutely thrive on that shit.”

“No I don’t!” You rolled your flannel sleeve down your arm in attempts to hide your engagement ring, but your efforts were in vain. He had already seen it. 

“But you do! Look at what you're doing right now! I'm not fucking blind!" He gestured his hand towards what you were doing with your sleeve causing you to freeze like a guilty deer in headlights. "You love this attention. That’s why you slept with all of us in a span of two weeks. Because you weren't getting enough attention from that poor guy you cheated on. But the really messed up thing about you is that once you're done with being scared of finding out who the father is and you read the results, if it's someone you don't want, or if it doesn't work out with your first guy of choice, then you have the rest of us on standby to maybe fall back on. And that's also the reason why you don’t want me to go after your friend. Speaking of which I don’t need your permission to do so, by the way because I already have her number. I just thought it would be polite to ask you first. But everything I said before that is why I hate you giving me shit for being a player when you’re absolutely doing the exact same thing.”

“Yuta…It's not like that…" No. Everything he had said was the truth. You didn't want to believe him. You didn't want it to be true. 

“It is. And if I didn’t truly care about you, then I wouldn’t be telling you about yourself right now." He braced his arms against the counter and let his head hang down between them. "That’s what a friend is supposed to do.”

You covered your face with your hands and slowly dragged them downwards as you tried to steady your breathing. You couldn't risk taking another trip to the hospital, but fortunately you had a pamphlet to aid you in this situation. How did a nice gesture of hand delivering food turn into an emotional rollercoaster of repressed feelings and self-realization. How did you always end up hurting the men you were involved with? 

“You can’t have all of us, Y/N," Yuta said as he lifted his head back up to look at you. "You can only have one.”

You remained silent. You often forget how smart Yuta was with the way he usually presented himself. He was very perceptive and his assumptions about you were spot on. He laid it out ever so clearly that it was time for you to self-reflect and do something about your actions. But you had already made your choice. You chose to spend the rest of your life with Jaehyun before even looking at the results of the paternity test. You didn't need to hold on to any of the other guys anymore. So why couldn't you let them go already? 

“I'm sorry I upset you in your current condition,"  Yuta said, cutting the silence. "I’ll make my exit.”

He pushed himself off of the counter and made his way to the door. But as you watched his retreating figure something inside you tugged hard on your heart strings. “Yuta, wait." He stopped walking to listen, but didn't turn around to face you. "You are up there. I’d give you my heart if it came down to it.”

Yuta let out a sardonic laugh. “If it came down to it? Listen to yourself. This is exactly what I was talking about.”

You had to bite your tongue. Maybe you should have left it alone and not said anything else. But you did love him, strictly speaking. He was always a good friend to you and you valued his honesty. Under different circumstances, maybe the two of you could have become something more. That's why you didn't want to let go. He was absolutely right after all. You didn't want to let go of any future possibilities. 

“What’s going on here?” asked Mark cutting through the heavy air between you and Yuta. You hadn’t even noticed his arrival into your apartment.

“Nothing. I‘m letting myself out.” Yuta patted Mark on his back before making the rest of his way to the door.

After the soft clicks of your automatic lock, Mark sat down next to you at the counter without saying a word, helping himself to the unfinished food in the containers abandoned by you and Yuta. After what felt like several moments you put your elbow onto the counter and rested your head in your hand. “You’re not going to ask what happened?” you went ahead and asked him. 

Mark fidgeted in his seat. “No... I mean I heard most of it outside.”

“Great," you said sarcastically. At least you didn't have to fill him in on what was said now. 

“And I agree with Yuta. You can’t have them all. You only have two options, really.”

“Only two options?” You turned your head, a puzzled expression on your face. You had yet to share your news with Mark or the rest of your family. Both you and Jaehyun had mutually decided to hold off on telling anyone so the two of you could experience it before everyone bombarded you with questions about the when and where of your wedding. It wouldn't be for you and Jaehyun to enjoy anymore. So like you did with Yuta, you decided to just listen to what your brother had to say. That was also another reason why you waited to share the news. Everyone was going to have something to say. 

“Yeah. Option one is choosing none of them, which I believe you forget you even have that option of doing.” You rolled your eyes while straightening up in your seat. “And option two is to pick only one of your fellows regardless if they share the same DNA with my niece or not.”

“Well, baby brother. Since I’m oh-so struggling to choose, whose team are you on?“

“I’m actually team none of them. They all suck. Move on and let them all go.” That was unexpected.

“Woah, that’s how you’re feeling now?”

“Think about it. You already put Taeyong in his place at the shower. Johnny had already put himself in a place since he's still with his girlfriend. Taeil is having mad mood swings. And Yuta may have just put you in the friend zone.”

You visibly frowned at his last statement. “And the others?” 

“I think Doyoung has learned his lesson and turned a new leaf, but you wouldn’t know because you keep dodging him.”

“And for good reason. You do remember what he put me through, right?"

"Yeah, I still don't like him." 

You rolled your eyes. "But you like Jaehyun. You’ve been rooting for us this whole time.”

Mark hesitated and focused all of his attention on picking up another piece of food. “I’m allowed to change my opinion.”

“Yes, you are…" Something wasn't right about the way your brother was acting. "Mark, what's wrong?” He took a deep breath and fidgeted in his seat some more before absentmindedly pulling your arm to hold your hand. Unfortunately, it was the one with the giant rock on it. “Speak!”

“I was arrested tonight,” he blurted.

You blinked slowly as you processed the words that came out of your brother's mouth. You could feel your pulse quickening in your veins. “What? Why? Why didn’t you call me?! Mark, what the hell?!”

“Y/N, calm down and let me explain. I was in Taeil's car and I was pulled over by two cops because I didn’t have the headlights on.”

“A lack of headlights shouldn’t cause you to get arrested! Who were the officers? I’m going to give the police station a very stern phone call!” 

“Y/N, wait. The headlights not being on was just the icing on the cake to a car that had been reported stolen.”

With your increasing confusion, your entire face morphed into an expression that was almost cartoonish. “Reported stolen? That doesn’t make any sense. Why would his car be reported stolen if he let you borrow it?”

Mark hesitated once again, still attempting to tip toe through this entire conversation. “Because the car technically doesn’t belong to him...It belongs to Jaehyun.” 

You were rendered speechless. 

“And from the looks of things, you belong to him now, too.” You followed Mark’s gaze to the ring on your finger then pulled your hand away from him. 

”I don’t belong to anyone,” you said slightly offended. 

Mark stood up and began to pace in the space in front of you. “How much do you really even know about Jaehyun, Y/N? Sure, he’s your client and all but did you actually get to know him personally to see what type of person he was before you let him stick it--“

“Mark!” You couldn’t believe your ears.

“Sorry! I just...My head is so messed up right now. Why is Taeil’s car in Jaehyun’s name? Why was the car reported stolen? And why did that guy come to my rescue and not Jaehyun?”

“Guy? What guy?”

“This guy that looked about my age with pushed back black hair, rectangular glasses, and when he smiled his eyes turned into crescents. He was really friendly and all that, but I was so frazzled from being arrested I didn’t catch his name when he introduced himself to me.”

You mulled over the description and could only think of one person in relation to Jaehyun. “Jeno? If so, that’s Jaehyun’s assistant.”

“I must have missed that part, too.”

“Jaehyun tends to send Jeno a lot of places on his behalf. That’s not unusual, Mark.”

“Okay. But he could have at least come to save his future brother-in-law in person.”

“Don’t take it personally. I was with him earlier. He was very busy today, hence why Jeno was probably sent. You’re thinking too hard.“

“And you’re not thinking hard enough! You mean to tell me Jaehyun didn’t know his own cousin had his car this whole time, let alone let me borrow it constantly? Make it make sense, Y/N!

“Mark--“

“And why did Jeno, IF that is his real name, know to bring me here? Has he been to your condo before?”

“Not physically, no. Jeno knows—“

“Everything, clearly!”

You hobbled off of the bar stool to go strangle your brother into calming down. “Mark, let's be grateful the situation didn’t escalate into something worse. Jaehyun cleared it up with the police and Jeno brought you home to me in one piece. I’ll call Jaehyun and we can have all this sorted out so both you and I can have peace of mind.”

“But, Y/N--“

“Mark, please. My key is on the table by the door. Take them and go back on your date. I'm sure your girlfriend is worried about you.”

“How the hell do you expect me to just go on like all of this didn't just happen?” Your brother protested. 

"Don't worry yourself with my problems. Go live your life," you begged him and started pushing him towards the door. 

"Alright, alright! I'll go. Let me go take a leak first." Mark reached into his pockets then pulled out his wallet and phone. He tossed them onto the counter, but before the items landed, pieces of paper folded together flew out and slid underneath the refrigerator. 

“Hey, Mark, wait. You dropped something. It went under the fridge,” you told him and pointed in that direction.

He went to retrieve the pieces of paper thinking they were receipts that fell out of his wallet, but once he picked them up and felt the thickness of the parchments he knew otherwise. Curious, he unfolded them, and immediately frowned upon seeing what was printed on them. 

"What now?" you asked him, not in the mood for anymore surprises for the day. 

“They're photos," he said and began looking at them one by one. 

“Of what?”

“One of Yuta," he started, but paused to look up at you. "In the same outfit he had on a minute ago."

"What?"

He looked back down at the pictures in his hands. "And one of Hendery your doorman. And one of...you and Doyoung at the ER? You went to the ER today?!”

“Let me see those.”

You walked over to him and took the photos from his hands. You fully took in the picture of Doyoung dressed in his lucky suit walking you into the emergency clinic, the fuzzy image of Yuta in his son’s soccer team branded T-shirt getting out of his car at the same clinic, and sure enough, the third picture was your character of a doorman walking your handbag to the elevator. But rather than the blatant and disturbing breech of your privacy, what stood out to you the most was the watermark located at the very bottom of the photo next to the timestamp.

Y!Y.

“Go into my bedroom and pull out the yellow envelope from under my mattress,” you instructed your brother.

Although perturbed, Mark acted without hesitation and did as he was told. When he returned, you dumped the contents of the envelope onto the counter. “What’s all this?” he asked and picked up one of the new pictures. 

“Doyoung’s baby shower gift.” You decided to leave out the part about Winwin having them taken. You didn’t want to override your brother's brain with anymore new shocking information. “Take a look at these photos and tell me what you see in common?”

“Woah, Kun moved on fast!”

“That was taken when he was sosay on his conference trip. I confronted him about that today during the trial.”

“Kun's trial was today?!”

“Mark, focus!”

“Okay, okay. Yeah. The watermark symbol is the same. Are they letters or numbers? Looks like two Y's, maybe? Or an inverted tree?”

“Where did you get these from?”

Mark gawked at you in offense. “I’ve never seen these before! Why would I have secret photos of you and the men you’ve slept with?”

Something in that last sentence lit a light bulb inside your mind. “Say that again.”

“I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that," he frantically tried to apologize. 

"No, but you're right. These are all men I've had relations with."

Your brother's eyes almost fell out of his head. "You slept with Hendery, too?!

"Fuck no! He just talks to me often and probably got snapped because we're friendly towards one another." You looked back at the array of photos, switching into work mode as you tried to piece together the evidence. “Do you think these were in Taeil’s car?" you asked him. "Maybe you pulled them out from the glove compartment by accident when searching for the registration?”

“No. I’m in that car more than Taeil and I make sure it’s nice and tidy before I return it. I’ve cleaned that car multiple times to know those photos were not there. And remember it’s Jaehyun’s car.”

You rolled your eyes, but continued searching through various scenarios inside your head. Were these pictures planted on your brother? When would he have come into contact with anyone who could possibly have taken them? He'd only been to the police station since he had left your home. And how did this connect to what Winwin had said at the trial? Did he pay the same person to follow all of the other men you’d slept with? Just then, his guilty and sorrow filled eyes flashed across your mind. The look on his face when he stated his testimony, it was almost as if it pained him to say it. Like he was being forced to say it...

 “Okay, then. What happened on the way from the police station? You got into Jeno’s car and then what?”

“I was still kind of freaking out so I don’t really remember.”

“Mark, I'm going to need you to tap into that short-term memory of yours. Try to remember.”

“Alright, umm. Well, I got into his black car, spacious interior, tan leather seats--“

“I know what the car looks like! Were there other things inside that you noticed? Was Jeno a little off or anything to you?”

“No, nothing really happened. I sat in the car and he just started driving me here. We didn’t talk much during the trip except the part where he said not to mention this to you right away because it might upset you and the baby.“

“He said that?”

“Yeah, but I guess that makes sense. Jaehyun probably told him about your ER visit. You know. The one you didn't even tell your own brother about!" 

"I would have told you eventually."

"Yeah, right." Mark waved his hand dismissively. "But obviously I didn’t listen. Because you’re my sister and I don’t like keeping stuff from you, because I know if I did you’d kick my ass once you’d find out, and I--“

“Shut up. What else happened? What happened when you got here?”

Mark crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side as he shifted his weight on his feet. “Some asshole pulled out the gate right in front of us and Jeno slammed on the brakes." His head snapped up straight and grim realization washed over his face. "And you know I keep your gate key in my wallet? So when we jerked forward, my phone and wallet flew off my lap and landed on a bunch of papers he had thrown around on the floor of the car. I must have gotten the photos from his car when I picked up my stuff!”

So the pictures weren't planted on your brother, but did that mean they were planted on Jeno? Or was Jeno the person they belonged to? It made more sense for them to be planted considering who he was the assistant for. Jaehyun was likely to have more than a few paparazzi on his trail at any given moment, and you had been spending a lot of time in public with him recently. You were always paranoid about this happening with you and him one day. If Winwin originally hired this person to follow and take pictures of all the men in your life, and your secret relationship with Jaehyun was found out, was Y!Y now trying to use the photos as blackmail against Jaehyun? But that didn't explain why Jeno also had the pictures of Yuta and his son at the ER. And there was still the matter of Taeil's car being reported stolen.

Mark gripped his forearms and looked at you with scared eyes. "Y/N, I don't have a good feeling about any of this."

You didn't answer him and continued to stare at the watermark on one of the photos, still trying to recall where you may have seen it before. Sometimes your clients' cases require the use of private investigators, and you were sure you had never worked with this individual before. So if you hadn't seen the logo in one of your own cases, then it must have been in someone else's. 

You picked up your phone off the counter and navigated to your contacts with lightning speed. As you tapped the name on the screen and put the phone to your ear, Mark restarted pacing in front of you. 

The call was answered on the third ring. “—that her calling you?" asked a female voice in the background of the call. 

"No, babe. It’s Yuta. He said he was gonna call me later about a case. I'll just be a minute.” You heard some ruffling and and a jingle of a bell before the sound of a door being closed. “Hi," he addressed you finally. "Thanks for saving me from picking out flowers. I didn’t expect to hear from you today. Everything cool? What’s up?”

Normally you would have commented on everything you just heard transpire on the line, but you were too focused on the task at hand to care about him lying to his girlfriend about who was calling him. “Hey, Johnny. A lot of your clients come to you with PI services already in motion or you hire them yourself. Does someone who uses two Y's with an exclamation point in the middle ring any bells? I feel like I’ve seen their work with some of your cases specifically.”

He went silent on the line as he tried to visualize the logo in his mind. “Oh, yeah! That’s Yangyang. He takes photos of all types of dirt these celebrities do just about anywhere on the planet. He’s multilingual, too, so he can get work almost anywhere. Why? Do you need him to spy on Jaehyun for you?" Johnny laughed after his joke, but you didn't find it funny in your current situation. "He won’t spy on any of us non-celebrity folks. There’s no money in that. Unless you're ready to spend the big bucks.”

His last statement made your skin crawl and you grabbed onto your brother's arm and pulled him towards you to use him as support and to make him stop moving. “No, I just came across his watermark in one of my clients' files and I got curious.”

“Yeah, that's him. He doesn’t do honest work, but he’s harmless.” 

"John! Get back in here!" You heard the sound of the bell jingling and the door reopening before his girlfriend called him back into what you assumed was a flower shop. 

“I gotta go," he said and hung up the phone before you could give him your thanks or tell him goodbye. 

You slowly put down your phone then continued to stare into nothing as you sat in deep thought about the worst possible scenario you could think of. 

"Sis?" Mark tried to get your attention. You had started squeezing his arm and your silence really worried him. "What did Johnny--"

“Mark," you said his name authoritatively, snapping your head to face him. "I need you to go poop or whatever it is you need to do, go on your date, and forget any of this happened.”

“Are you serious?" he asked and jerked his arm away from you. "How am I supposed to focus on my date, now? I got arrested for no reason tonight and you have someone fucking watching you, Y/N!” Your brother was at wits end and you felt so sorry for all the shit you were putting him through. This was the exact reason why you wanted him to just ignore everything. 

“Look. Let me handle this. I don't want to get you involved anymore.”

“Your due date is around the corner and this could be dangerous! What can you possibly do now?”

“I can do whatever it is I need to do! Now please. Go be bothered with taking care of your girlfriend and making sure she's safe and happy or something.”

“Ugh, I can't believe this." Mark threw his arms in the air then turned to walk down the hallway towards the guest bedroom where he had been staying for the past few weeks. You heard the door slam behind him, then a muffled, angry, apology from him stating that he didn't mean to close it that hard. 

You took a deep breath and picked up your phone again to dial another number. As it rang, you rested your elbows against the counter and closed your eyes while you took several more breaths waiting for the person who was taking forever to pick up. 

“What," he answered curtly. He probably didn't want to answer you at all, but lost the battle with his conscience.

“Yuta," you tirelessly exhaled his name. "How far away are you?”

"...why?" He hesitated before asking because of the way you sounded, but he still had an edge to his voice. 

“I know we parted ways on bad terms, but I really need your help right now.”

"What happened?" A majority of his animosity was replaced with concern. "You okay? Are you going into labor right now?"

"No, it's not that. I…I need you to come get me and take me to Jaehyun’s house."

“What the fuck?" You knew he'd react that way. Maybe it would have been better to lead in with your reasoning first. 

"Yuta--"

"Are you really fucking asking me to--"

"No, listen! If you help me, I'll help woo my friend--"

"Oh, so I can date her only if I help you with some bullshit--"

"No! You can do whatever you want! You can date her and even marry for all I care," you pleaded with him. "Please, Yuta. This is really, really important.”

“Woah, now hold on." He wasn't expecting you to take it that far. And the fact that you did made him even more concerned. "You said the 'marry' word. This really is serious. What’s wrong?”

"I found out some things and I need some clarification. But I will fill you in on everything while you take me there. Please come back."

"Alright, but can’t pretty boy come get you himself? I refuse to be a personal chauffeur for a booty call. Plus, won’t that hurt the baby?”

You smiled to yourself and shook your head, glad to hear the he was back to his normal, silly self. But your smile quickly faded. “No, I’m trying to show up announced. I think...I think someone might be up to something.”

“Ooh, shit. Okay. I'm turning around now. I’ll be there in fifteen.”

Upon ending the call, you heard Mark flush the toilet before he returned to the kitchen. Without looking at you, he angrily grabbed his wallet and phone off the counter and then walked to the small table by the front door to grab your car key. But before he walked out the door, he addressed you. "You better call me if something  happens. Anything." And with that, your brother opened the door and begrudgingly left you and your mayhem to try and salvage the rest of his date night. 

You stood there alone in your kitchen for the remainder of time until Yuta texted you of his arrival. You were confused, sad, and angry. But most of all you were afraid. You were afraid that your brief period of happiness was about to become tremendously harder to enjoy or worse--taken away from you all together. Absentmindedly, you nervously spun your engagement ring around your finger as you ran through all the possible scenarios in your mind for the umpteenth time. There was only one way to confirm any of the suspicions you now had. You just hoped that the one you feared the most wasn't the one to happen to be true. 

For other chapters, see the masterlist.

Oof. Oop. 🤷🏽‍♀️

We know this is a lot to process, but we would love to have any feedback, comments, insights, whatever, We feel like y’all are gonna want to talk about this, lol.

- C&D

[milkygcf]

All the King’s horses, all the King’s men

Pairing | myg x reader

Genre | Mystery, thriller, angst, slowburn, e2l, Gang Leader!reader, Detective!yoongi

Warnings | Graphic scenes, use of alcohol, use of drugs, gang violence, explicit language, slightly sexual scenes, social issues, major character death.

Summary | ❝ Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall- Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Even with all the King’s horses and all the King’s men, Humpty could not be put back together again. ❞

or

❝ An ambitious man caught in thorns, drowning in the delicacy of what the world truly is - a whirlpool of chaos and terror. There, he finds his bitter downfall. ❞

Word Count | 3.1k

Author’s Note | Hello! I wanted to make a quick note about this oneshot before it actually starts. Firstly, I’d like to advise whoever’s reading this that this is just a summary of the actual fic which I will be releasing - however, I have not finalised a date. Secondly, it’s a tad bit rushed and messy and I apologise if it does not reach standards. Due to my personal life, I found that it was quite difficult to find the time to write as much <3 

To end everything, I would like to thank @ficswithluv​ for welcoming me into this wonderful project! I hope you enjoy reading <3

The delicate stomping of your feet upon the gravel startles the ravens sitting by. You stop in front of a familiar tombstone, your infamous surname nicely engraved in a fancy font. Before it lay a multitude of flowers, all speedwells as to symbolise loyalty towards the man buried six feet under. It's Valentine's day, and unlike the ravishing hues of blues and purples, you had bought roses to celebrate the event. If anything, you were always the odd one out when on with your business.

You set a few speedwells down, politely placing them into one of the empty jars left out beside the other swarm. It's overwhelming, the very site of your father's name placed in such a lowly place, finally resting beside your mother. It's overwhelming how in only a small amount of time, events took a wicked turn and brought along unnecessary chaos.

You face the neighbouring slate of stone set on the right side of your family's. This one's much duller and greatly lacking in vibrancy, attention. It brings a frown to your features. It's lonely, devoid of any proper affection that one needs in order to stay remembered.

Yet, even though it's desolate, it makes you reminisce. The sight of it doesn't bring you grief - neither does it bring you melancholy. Instead, it fills your train of thought with old memories that you either want to cherish or banish completely. Where forever was once a long time, it’s now a memory. Where pinky promises were depicted as something precious, you now notice that they were nothing but white lies to conceal the truth.

You’d learned this the hard way.

It’s truly surprising how so much can happen in the span of a year, how so many things are able to change and leave dead skin behind. The world is a delicacy of chaos and terror. Time offers only to take. It’s an ancient form of evil and you’ve grown to despise it for it works.

Now you’re left empty, shattered and dull. No longer do you symbolise the purity of a child whose eyes shimmered with innocence, with colour. When you thought you had already grown, you put yourself through trauma. And with a series of unfortunate events, you’ve finally, truly come to understand the world for what it truly is.

Beside you, a wounded soul whom you haven’t seen in such a long time laces his fingers with yours. He draws soothing circles into your skin and you finally breathe. Through thick and thin, you find yourselves here, together, breathing.

Maybe, there is hope for blemished souls like yours.

You met the unusual man at a bar. Although back then, you had no idea what really lied underneath the thick layer of skin that he dawned. The bartender had offered the both of you drinks, pointing out how utterly exhausted the two of you looked. That sparked up small talk – simple, small talk.

Until you were both sharing breaths in a bathroom stall, holding onto each other almost as if your lives depended on it. Every touch of his that settled on your skin burned, the pieces of fabric that your body dawned felt way too heavy. Your fingers were tangled in his hair, teeth biting down on his lip. His hands were on your hips, pulling you closer and closer onto his body until the warmth that was radiating off him made both of you break out.

Both your minds were hazy, your mouths tasted like a mixture of vodka and whiskey. It left a bitter feeling on your tongues. You were so lost in the feeling, the warmth that spread through you and shut out all your concerns.

His hands were playing with the zipper of your dress, fumbling hastily as to waste no time. It was almost funny how men could get so impatient. You were both speaking in tongues, merely pulling back to catch your breaths. His left leg was pushed right against your core making you more sensitive than your own good. You were grinding down on him, moans tumbling out of your mouth as they were muffled into the kiss.

Maybe it was just a moment’s talk, but even though you were barely doing anything, the feeling was euphoric.

He was trailing wet kisses down your neck, giving you the chance to finally catch your breath. Your skin was bruising, your core was pooling, and you were losing sense of reality. His hands were running all over you, making you feel something much greater than pleasure from a simple touch.

It all came to a stop at the sound of his phone ringing aggressively in his pockets, leaving you huffing out in annoyance. He didn’t just leave it and continue with his business; he fished the phone out of his pocket and stormed out of the stall while fixing himself up. There was no “excuse me,” or “I really have to take this.” He just stormed out of the room as if nothing was going on. It left you livid.

Park Jimin, your right-hand man, had to pick you up that night – helped you with your frustrations and worries, held you until you slept and didn’t wake up until dawn.

You were glad to think that you wouldn’t ever see him again, just a one-time failed fling in a population full of many. But your career begged to differ, as about a month or so after, he turned up to a meeting you held, custom-made for new recruits. Never will you forget the surprise on his face, when he found out that you were, indeed, the leader of the cartel. You, a normal woman at the bar, drinking her sorrows away in hopes they’d simmer and give her peace.

Although, you’d like to think there was something else beneath that surprise.

“A woman, as the leader of the sickest cartels in all South Korea?” One of the recruits spoke, a bitter tone hanging on his tongue. “How the fuck is it supposed to stay put?”

It was true that you had no idea how things were supposed to go in the industry – your father never really let you merge yourself with his world. But now, your father lay in a casket six feet under after being found dead in a ditch. You couldn’t really put it in a simpler way, but the only thing you could really say is you refuse to recreate an old nursery rhyme your mother used to tell you when you were just a toddler.

Nothing will stop you from reigning and getting back at whoever slaughtered your plans. You weren’t ready to tolerate anything in your way.

Hence why you didn’t hesitate to make Jimin shoot a bullet through his head, even if it terrified you just the slightest bit. But that was a different story.

Of course, it was no surprise. Women were still thought to be such fragile beings, not being able to handle anything. Once you stepped on top for the throne, you refused to let that put you down. “If any of you dimwits even so much as think about saying stupid shit like that again, I won’t hesitate to decapitate you.”

Jimin always kept his word. Because for the next year or so, whoever even uttered a single word about your command in the cartel faced death. You were never there to see it – Seokjin and Jimin made sure you knew everything that occurred, though.

On the other hand, there was that man you met at the bar. If it was possible, he would’ve disintegrated under your gaze. The dislike you had towards him was surely something grand, and to glitter it up a bit, he seemed to share the same feelings towards you too. Of course, in your defense, he had no reason to.

You weren’t the one who ditched in the middle of a make-out session.

Min Yoongi – he was something. A no one, but something, nonetheless. Ever since you saw him lined up with the other recruits, you’ve had your eye on him. As dumb as he acted, the man was cunning. Just what the cartel needed. Despite acting scared, like everything is all new, you felt as if it was nothing to him – almost as if it was all just a mask to conceal his true intentions. Although, you had no proof to this, so you let these accusations simmer.

His tale was cliché. He needed money but he didn’t have the qualifications to get a job. So, he joined the mafia, a very dirty place to get what you want. You ran background checks on him, just in case, and you found nothing of danger to all of you.

With a few weeks of training, Yoongi was fully accepted into the group and was one of Seokjin’s right-hand men.  

Passing by him in corridors, sitting in the same room with him, even hearing his name made your blood boil. It was unexplainable, but the feeling was mutual. Back then, if he disliked you, then it would only be fair if you disliked him as well. 

The tension was incredibly thick between you two, much that it left others uncomfortable whenever you were in each other’s presence. It was unbearable.

There was this incident once – you remember it like the back of your hand.

Seokjin had sent him to your office to deliver the newest packages that would determine how briskly your newest job was going to go. Despite begging the elder to send someone else as to avoid the awkward tension, the man refused.

The next morning, the raven-haired man was waiting by your door, box in hand. It took you a minute or so of plainly staring at him, observing the way his fingers twitch on the item, the way his eyes squint at you almost as if you were going to swallow him whole. It was quiet. No one said a word until you both entered your office.

“I didn’t think I’d see you again, as a fucking mafia leader.” he said.

“Ta mère ne t'a jamais dit de ne pas faire confiance aux étrangers?” you responded fluently, the accent rolling down your tongue briskly. Yoongi had no clue what you said, hence why you huffed and translated for him.

“I’m pretty sure your mother has warned you about strangers at least once in her life, no?” Your tone was calm, soft and delicate.

“She has. I didn’t think it’d happen with you though.”

You crossed your arms over your chest and rested against your desk. “Oh? I apologise then, even though I don’t recall being the one who’s acting arrogant.” As someone below you, he had to show decency, or he’d be thrown out with the dogs. “Arrogant?” he snarled lowly, plummeting down on one of the cushioned chairs placed in front of your mahogany desk. “You’re the one who’s been acting like a bitch all this time.”

“Best watch your tongue before I throw you out,”

“Do it then.”

He was faced with a gun to his head. You glared; finger firmly set on the trigger as you stared directly at him. No way were you going to let him get away with such a disrespectful attitude. He didn’t flinch, neither did he blink. He just stared back at you, slowly shoving his hands in the pockets of his tattered jacket.

“Don’t test me, Min.”

“You wouldn’t do it.”

Once those words tumbled out of his lips, you stiffened. Of course, you’d do it, why wouldn’t you?

“You put on a strong, independent persona but you can barely manage yourself.”

His words are what water is to fire. How dare he talk to you like that? Had he no fucking decency? Did he really want a bullet to pierce his skin in order to start seeing some sense?

“I have no idea what you’re saying.”

“Oh, I think you do. That’s you, isn’t it?” His head bobbed towards the painting behind you – the Ses Peines Pleurant Es, a painting your mother had created back in her days. It depicted the both of you against the world, against the pure wickedness you were forced to grow up in. There’s darkness, but in contrast to it, there’s you as a new-born dawned in white.

“What makes you think that?”

The metal felt cold against his skin and Yoongi couldn’t help but shiver. “That painting’s been missing for years, and now that it’s here, it has to be yours.” he spoke calmly, “And frankly, I don’t think I’ve seen someone wear that much white before.”

You looked down at your clothes, all white with no signs of any other hue. It was crazy, truly, but you don’t remember wearing any other colour growing up. Your mother always dressed you up in just white, telling you that you look best in it. You just never really took mind to the resemblance your fashion sense had with the painting.

“Must be a coincidence,” you hummed, lowering the gun down to his chest. “For which I think is none of your business.”

Yoongi only hummed in response. There was a strict silence between the two of you then, before you sent him back to whatever duties Seokjin set on his shoulders. That was one of the encounters you had before things started taking a slight twist.

An infiltration in the Children’s Medical Clinic of Seoul, where one of the doctors was the main leads to what exactly brought your father’s downfall. You remember how ruthless Yoongi was that day, mercilessly shooting at the man without hesitation, without sparing a single breath. It was crazy, hell, it was mad, but you enjoyed it. That only meant strength to the cartel, and that’s exactly what you wanted.

Although, you won’t ever forget the pained screams of children roaring in panic, the sudden stiffness in Min when the man dropped dead and painted the bleached tiles red.

From then on, the hate you harboured towards each other started to simmer. Seokjin and Jimin had noticed this when Yoongi started becoming more obedient, less cocky with the way he formed his words.

To you, this was relief.

But then things started to advance, the two of you started getting closer and before you knew it, you were having affairs late at night. When everyone else was at their respective homes, you were under silken sheets, legs entangled with Yoongi’s. You’d play with his soft locks as he told you his deepest, darkest secrets. He’d tell you his fears, what he’s always wanted to become ever since he was a toddler.

And you’d listen. You’d listen intently until both of you fell asleep, and you’d rake your brain until you unraveled what all the information you ate up meant.

Jimin started getting suspicions – he found pills in Yoongi’s house. There was no labelling on them, and you didn’t think asking him would somehow enlighten the situation. To make it far more interesting, later you found a multitude of phone numbers scribbled on a piece of paper in his pockets.

Yoongi started becoming strange.

He’d tell you things you were skeptical of, he’d do things you deemed abnormal. And then, he started telling you how someone was out to get you, and how one day he would be famous, people would talk about him wherever he passed by.

You’ve known Yoongi for a year – enough to tell that he was not the man he was before. He wasn’t so mental, he wasn’t a paranoid freak, neither was he so ambitious. Yoongi was just a normal man who needed something to do.

But then, he started talking in his sleep. Words tumbling out of his mouth one by one, telling you who he truly was, the man behind the façade he’d been showing you every day.  Jimin was never one to lie.

There was someone out to get you and it was him. He’d been a wolf in sheep’s clothing, getting closer to you in order to gain information to bring your very downfall. He revealed every little plan, every hidden camera scattered across the base, all managed by none other than the police department.

Humpty Dumpty had the King’s men to aid him, piece him back up and help him up the wall. But you, you had no one.

The man who had shown you what white truly meant, what innocence and happiness felt like, what being normal truly tasted of. Your first and your last love. Min Yoongi, the man who wrapped his hands around your heart and took advantage of what was bare.

Perhaps that was why your mother always teased you about being careful when dealing with boys.

You reminisce how it all went down on Valentine’s Day. How the waves hugged the shore lovingly, being complimented nicely by the dim light of the moon dawning on your silhouettes hand in hand. He felt cold. Yoongi felt distant.

A sweet, passionate kiss was shared that night. It filled you with false hope, chills. It painted a faulty picture in your head of what could have been but hadn’t been. That night, you held him close and held him dearly.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Your toes curled in the damp particles of the sand. Your fingers fell limp. “I love you most,” You muttered back, your lips trailing faint kisses across his neck. When you pulled back, you observed him. Yoongi had never looked so vulnerable in all the times you’ve faced him. Although, even if he was torn, in that very moment to you he was beautiful.

You remember the screeching of birds once you pulled the trigger, your skin and dress then painted in crimson. You remember the sheer surprise scattered across his face until he offered you a gentle smile and collapsed.

“Jour de la Saint-Valentin heureux, mon amour.”

You no longer wore white.

 ---

His name is engraved quite nicely on his tombstone. It still saddens you how barren it looks, devoid of any attention. Hence why you gently set the bouquet of flowers down, bowing your head in respect towards the man who brought you to a new world.

You’ll cherish his presence in your memories instead of forgetting them.

Even if Yoongi left without truly accomplishing his mission, without truly becoming what his desires were, he was deemed dead in vain.

Macbeth let his ambition eat him whole and it led him to his very downfall – the terror of seeing himself crumble and lose power.

Yoongi also was too over-ambitious for his own good. He let himself succumb to the control you were merely lending him, only to suffer the consequences and face his own undoing.

After all, Humpty Dumpty could never really be put back together again.

 “Happy Valentine’s day, my love.”

[imagine-jjba]

What would mista & the pistols behave around his crush? :)

mista’s reactions around his crush! (+ sex pistols)

thank you so, so much for sending in this ask! i’m sorry i didn’t get it out sooner, i ended up getting tired when this ask was originally sent. so, now i’m writing it after the valentine’s day post! i hope you enjoy this! i’m not sure if this is exactly what you wanted, but i really hope it is! please feel free to send in more asks, if you’d like.

this is pretty short for my tastes, but i don’t have too many ideas right now, honestly. but i hope you enjoy these headcanons regardless!

@hoetaro-kujo

when he first notices his crush actually becoming a crush, he’ll force himself to try and push away the feelings in favor of actually doing his job. he may not seem like he has a crush on you during this time. he’s very secretive about it. besides, he has to think of all the things that could go wrong first. what if you get hurt (or potentially something worse)? what if you don’t end up together? what if you do end up together and break up after a while? he needs time to process his emotions.

although, he’s very perceptive what you do. your kind words, you even dealing with his antics in the first place, your touch, everything. he treasures it all. though, he’s a bit reclusive when it comes to you, in terms of physical affection. he doesn’t want to get too close in fear of you noticing his crush. to everyone else, this just makes it more obvious. thankfully, you aren’t the brightest bulb in the room, so you can’t quite catch on.

after a while, when he confirms that he does have a crush on you, he’ll want to spend more time with you! if giorno sends you on missions, he’ll ask to go with you. after all, you need a backup in case something goes wrong. that’s just his excuse of finding ways to hang out with you.

when you’re close to him, on a physical sense, he’ll grow very flustered and stutter a lot. he’ll also take quick looks at you when you’re not looking, but quickly look away when you are. it’s cute, in the sense that it’s almost like a school girl. eventually, you may start to catch on. if you start to catch on and try to see how much you affect him, leaning in close and touching him briefly will get a good reaction out of him. his face becomes red and he backs away a little, making some sort of excuse as to why he doesn’t want you having skin-to-skin contact.

he’s also very observant of your needs, believe it or not. as much as he likes to fool around with you, he’ll pay attention to your emotions. on a particular day, when you’re sad, he’ll come talk to you and mention it in a way so it won’t embarrass you in front of the others. later, he’ll ask if you want to talk to him. if not, he’ll leave you alone, but he’s always open to talk about your feelings if need be.

he also offers you many things, even to see his hair underneath his hat. he really only lets certain people do that. if you say something nice about his hair, he’ll get flustered and laugh nervously, complimenting you as well. he’s the nervous type of guy, really! he doesn’t want to come off too strongly to his crushes.

each of the sex pistols will react differently to being around you as well! as hard as it is sometimes, mista manages to keep them mostly under control. sometimes, they do lead things on. he quickly puts a stop to it once he finds out that his stands are trying to lead you on to his crush, though.

number one, as a cheerful and joyful as it is, will try to protect you from anything it sees as a threat. when it sneaks away from mista, it’ll come to you and sit in front of you. of course, it’ll also try to start a conversation with you. when you talk to it, it’ll always agree with what you have to say.

number two, the most rouge-like out of the six, will normally always come to you to watch the others mess around. or, it’ll sit in front of you/on your shoulder to get a feel for your presence. it enjoys the comfort of being around you and will sometimes even offer you a piece of its food!

number three, the “bully” of the group, will usually come to you to complain about whatever mista is doing. or it’ll complain to you about number five. or maybe both at the same time! who knows, but when you scold it for bullying five, it’ll pout, but stop. it never actually stops for anyone but you, but you don’t find it to be too strange.

number five, the shy and timid one of the group, will try to see what you’re about first. it’ll try to make some nervous conversation with you, but once you say that everything will be fine and that you won’t hurt it, it’ll start to come to you when three is doing its usual bullying. you protect five a lot, always hiding in between your shirt or your hair, which embarrasses mista (whenever he finds out).

number six, even though is very tough-looking and fearsome, will always be very gentle with you. it’ll stay by your side when needed and talk to you when it notices you look a bit lonely. it looks irritated, but this number out of mista’s bullets is one of the more peaceful ones. at least, until someone hurts you. it’ll want to beat up the person that hurt you. it’ll be even worse if you’re out in a near-death situation.

number seven, the last one of the bullets, is more like number one. however, number seven is more likely to be rambunctious and loud. very energetic, but also can calm you down when needed. it takes up a leader-like role as well, stepping in to protect you first.

all of the pistols will favor you over mista when they’re irritated or just don’t want to work. they’ll all go to you at the same time, sometimes, just to complain about mista’s work. they’re always coming to you in at least groups of two, though. you very much enjoy their company, even when mista’s away. they all have their individual personalities, which is somehow cute.

depending on what stage his feelings for you are, you can kind of tell that something’s going on with him. he’s very touchy and clingy to all your friends, but when it comes to your yourself, he doesn’t like to touch or get too close. it’s very unusual for his normal behavior, how you used to act. no matter what conclusion you’d come to, however, mista would probably still act the same.

however, when he finally confessses his feelings, he’s very nervous about it. so many questions are floating through his mind that he ends up asking giorno and whoever else he can ask. heck, he even asks trish for help. they end up giving him essentially the same advice. don’t freak out too much, try to be himself. so, he tries doing something like that, but he can’t help but be nervous about your reaction.

when you accept his confession and express your relief and mutual feelings towards him, he’s surprised, but also overjoyed. he can’t really believe that someone as great as you would like him, but he’s very grateful for the opportunity to even try and be dating you. he ends up pulling you into a tight hug and compliments you, most likely about your scent. he likes it and he sort of wonders if you use any product or anything like that. mista’s not very interested in that world, but he’s be interested in the scent that suits you the best.

you two hit it off well! there’s not many awkward moments anymore, but the pistols act the same. they don’t have anything to hide anymore, though, so they’re always openly expressing their affections in a cute and romantic way. you accept that, of course, and they’re all cheering about it. mista’s embarrasses about the pistols’ behaviors, but it’s not deterring you in any way.

[yaachtynoboat711]

Our Next Guest...

A/N: Here’s my contribution to @hoopshoney and @purple-apricots With Love, From Wakanda fic fest! I’m so excited to temporarily break from Fonder’s angsty chains and coming with that present-day Yaa and Wins! I apologize for the tardiness of this fic, as I started my new job this week. I had to dust this off from the depths of my archives due to the time crunch. I was going to do my M’Baku x OC, but my time was limited.

Word Count: 2.4K

Warning(s): Fluff, Black Love

Prompt: “Have I mentioned how much I love you? Only twice in the past hour.”

“Chris, I’m fucking terrified.”,you huffed.

You were in your dressing room getting ready to finally begin your Sheimbloom press junket. The first stop was Jimmy Kimmel Live, one of your favorite talk shows. You’d been delaying the tour for personal reasons. Now, it was here and you were going alone. Winston was in the middle of a project in New York. Plus, it was Valentine’s Day. It sucked knowing that Winston couldn’t make it, however,it was worth knowing that he was being supportive and giving you advice on TV interviews. You’d had many a print interview, but never a TV interview.

“Baby, you’ll do fine. You’re a lawyer: you orate for a living. Plus, you love Jimmy, so this’ll be a breeze.”, Winston reassured via FaceTime.

“Yeah, you’re right...I guess.”

“You’re damn right I’m right. I can’t recall a time I was ever wrong. ”

“Well shit I can.”, you smirked, earning an annoyed huff and eye roll from your fiancé.

“ANYWAYS, are you going to indirectly promote Us?”

“Hasn't it already been promoted enough?”

“Now, what’s that supposed to mean,Yaa Denae?” One of the production assistants walked in at the perfect moment.

“Dr. Abdullah, we’re ready for you.”, the PA said.

“Well, won’t you look at the time! I love you, baby love!”,Yaa said in a hurry.

“I love you, too, Pumpkin. Gimme love.” The two of you did your secret handshake despite the distance and he hung up.

“K.D., you two are just too cute for words.”, your assistant Talia gushed as you handed her your phone.

You walked out of your dressing room along with Talia and your other assistant Jacqui to the backstage area.

When you got backstage, you found a mirror to check yourself out and posed for your OOTD post. Winston picked your outfit: simple black blouse with matching flared pants and a Tuskegee crimson and old gold striped ascot (your choice,of course). He even picked out the leopard pumps. That man had an eye for fashion. Your curly platinum locs were pulled neatly into a ponytail.

“Dr. Abdullah, you’re up in 60 seconds!”, you heard the PA announce. “Thank you!”, you replied. You took this time to recite your affirmation to yourself:

I am enough;I am here for a reason;I am here to slay; I am my ancestors’ wildest dreams!

Finally, you walked into the elevator as you heard the countdown and studio applause before hearing Jimmy’s introduction. “Welcome back! Our next guest is no stranger to shattering glass ceilings. In addition to graduating valedictorian of Yale Law School at the age of 23,yeah, twen-ty three, this past July, she became the youngest and the first Black woman to win the Richard T. Sheimbloom Award for Merit and Excellence in Law--the highest award for any lawyer in the world to receive. Please, help me welcome for the first time, Attorney Khalida Abdullah!”

The audience erupted into cheer, but not before the elevator door slid open to you doing that little Thotiana jig. You waved to the audience and gave them your brightest Miss Tuskegee smile. You strutted your way towards Jimmy and hugged him before sitting down. “Well...”, Jimmy began, “...happy Valentine’s Day and welcome to the show, Attorney Abdullah.” The audience continued their clapping and cheering.

“Thank you so much,Jimmy! Happy V-Day to you! Please call me K.D.. Can I just say that one, this is a dream come true to be on the show and two, I need to carry this audience in my pocket because they really--” they all screamed and you smiled as you glanced towards the audience once more, “--they really helped me overcome my nerves just now and this energy y’all are giving me is every damn thing to me.”

“Well, I’m happy that’s something that helped ease you. So let’s jump right on in: what made you want to become a lawyer?”

“You know, not a lot of people have asked me that question.”

Jimmy’s head bucked back in disbelief, “Really?”

“Yeah, so believe it or not, the OJ trial inspired me to go into law. I was about 5 years old and I see Johnnie Cochran, a Black man, and Marcia Clark, a woman, working the case. I guess I was trying to figure out why weren’t there any Black Women working this case. Even after the case, I didn’t meet a Black female lawyer until I was in college. Sometimes, you gotta be your own role model.” The audience applauded your answer.

“That’s something to really live by. Now fast-forward to this past July: what’s going through your mind before and after hearing your name called for the Sheimbloom?”

“Maaaaan, I was a complete wreck and a tad tipsy from the wine they put on the table. I had my umi and Winston’s hands in vise grips. For clarification, Winston Duke, y’know…”,you looked dead into camera 1, “...THICC DADDY M’Baku? Anyways, everything’s going in slow motion, so my reaction was about 10 seconds slower than what it should’ve been. Now, the Chairman didn’t actually announce my name per se.”

Jimmy and the audience laughed. “So...are you the 2018 Sheimbloom winner or not?”, he joked. “Jimmy, listen! Winston, along with some of his fellow Jabari actors, started barking like they did in the Warrior Falls scene? It wasn’t until Winston let go of my hand and literally took his scarf to bark did I realize I’d won.” The audience cheered as a picture of your raw reaction to winning appeared on the screen behind you. Your red eyes were bugged out, mouth ajar, both hands placed on your chest. That feeling of victory began tingling throughout your body all over again .

“How’s life after winning?”

“To be honest…I don’t really feel that much different. I worked that Monday after the ceremony and up until the middle of August because my partners essentially forced me on leave and sent me to L.A.”

“Why would they do that?” The audience laughed. You did too.

“Honey, I had been working like a madwoman from October up until they put me on leave.”

“Ah-a. So that leads me to the next question: what happened that night?” You smirked.

“Well, after giving my speech, I got whisked upstairs to take pictures with my award.” The screen behind you showed a picture of you holding your award up to your ear like a cell phone with one hand and showing off your rose gold slugs by pulling on your bottom lip with the other. You were squatting down and showing off your red sparkly pump.

“That’s one of the most epic pictures I’ve ever seen. What happened next?” The audience gassed you up with “Ow’s! and whistles..

“Wellllllllllllllll”, your toothy smile should have been the indication that it was about to go down, “I sneak away to the terrace for a breather because God knew I needed it. I’m out there and my Winston texts me asking me where I had gone, right? Long story short, he proposed. Afterwards, socialized for a little bit, and then Wins and I went to our favorite 24-hour diner like nothing even happened that night. So, that’s another reason I was out here in L.A.: he still lives here and we needed time to begin planning the wedding.” The audience went crazy with applause.

“So how’s the planning coming,”

“Uhh...it’s proving to be harder than we initially estimated. We don’t live together—he’s here in LA and I’m in DC. So with that being said, we can’t just meet at a central location at lunch and talk about flowers and what not. He’s big money now with his ever-filling schedule and I’m doing the damn thing too so we can’t just break. We try to reserve a weekend every month to devote our time and energy to planning. The few times we’ve actually come together, progress was def made.”

“One more question before the break: when’s the wedding date?”

You looked at him with your usual “Really, nigga?” face. “C’mon, Jimmy. I can’t just disclose something personal like that. We don’t want our special day to be a media circus. But the only thing I will say is that it’s in 2020.”, you teased.

“We’ll be back after the break.” The audience applauded until the director yelled “Cut!”

—————

“And we’re back! I’m here on this Valentine’s Day with the incomparable Khalida Abdullah, attorney and activist. Now earlier, you mentioned that your fiancé is none other than actor Winston Duke, who’s been on this show before.”, Jimmy explained. The ladies in the audience swooned.

“That’s correct! He’s currently doing press for his upcoming movie Us. Y’all should hit it up next month.”, you responded, trying to conceal the goofy smile forming.

“So one thing I failed to mention before the break was that you two are gracing the cover of Essence Magazine’s Black Love issue.”, Jimmy announced. The audience cheered. He propped the advance copy up that showed you and Winston posed together and serving faces.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, is it difficult being in a relationship with a man of growing international status?”

“Well, damn. I never even thought about that. Ummmm...no. If anything, our relationship is growing stronger. Life after Black Panther has, in a sense, caused us to strengthen our communication. I believe that our mutual communication is our greatest asset. We literally text each other our daily schedules and we have each other’s events and event reminders in other’s phones. We’re very transparent with one another.”

“So you don’t get jealous with other ladies throwing their panties at Winston?”

You shot Jimmy an unimpressed look. “Why get jealous when he’s in mine all the time?”, you said unphased, shrugging your shoulders, crossing your legs and drinking from your mug. The audience hooted and hollered.

"Welll, here's an Instagram picture of the two of you. Not quite like we just discussed but very cute. Does he get tired of the graduations and celebrations you drag him to? You taking his shine?"

A picture of you two came on the screen. It was the Instagram picture the two of you took at your graduation dinner this past spring. In your beautiful red off-shoulder African dress and doctoral cap and he in his khaki seersucker and unbuttoned white dress shirt, the two of you jokingly did the “prom pose” and he was kissing your neck. Your signature smile and red lip were on full display as you were mid-laugh. The audience awed as they felt the warmth and love you two shared in that moment.

“Nahhh...in his mind, he sees us as equally yoked. Whatever hustle I have, be it a speaking engagement, an award, or anything, he’s cheering me on 125%, and the same goes for me. So with anything in our lives, you’ll see one go all the way for the other. Metaphorically, no one has a bigger head between us.”

“But in the literal sense?”

“Oh, it’s definitely his ass.” Everyone including yourself burst out laughing. “Plus, it doesn’t hurt that we’re good arm candy for each other for events. I mean, look at us!”, you said enthusiastically as you pointed at the picture.

“Well, one more thing before we go: what’s on the agenda for Valentine’s Day?”, Jimmy inquired. You carefully thought about your answer. The thought of being away from your Teddy Bear on Valentine’s Day sucked ass.

“Well, unfortunately, he’s on his way to New York to tend to some business. Buuuut, in a perfect world, I’d be rushing to finish this interview and get ready to go out on a date or stay in, get into our pajamas, and watch Forensic Files all night long.”

“Well, once again, happy Valentine’s Day and congratulations on everything you’ve accomplished. Khalida Abdullah, everybody.”, Jimmy concluded. The audience stood up and cheered as you and Jimmy chatted it up until yhe break.

“Annnnd cut! Great job, Khalida!”, the producer yelled over the PA system.

“Not bad for your first interview.”, Jimmy complimented. You thanked him for the opportunity and were escorted backstage.

Jacqui was the first of your staff to welcome you backstage. “K.D. (you hated formalities with your staff), that was amazing! It’s crazy to think that you were terrified right before this and now look at you: mastered it like it was nothin’!”, she said as she hugged you deeply. You’d thanked her and you started walking back to your dressing room.

“I just wished that Wins could’ve been here, y’know?”, you whispered loud enough so Jacqui could hear. You opened the door and it hit something heavy, the door’s impact sounded as though the victim may have been a person. Your face scrunched in curiosity and your native New Orleans kicked in for this very moment. “Bitch, who the fuck?!”, you yelled. You stepped back to make sure you were going to the right dressing room. Yup, this is my dressing room. You slowly opened opened the door again.

Your confused expression remained on your face as you heard Ed Sheeran’s Perfect playing softly. The lights were dimmed just enough that you could see Winston standing in the middle of the room looking the fuck good as usual. You ran to him, tightly hugging his torso. He took in the sweet scent of your loc oil and perfume and kissed the top of your locs. He could feel your chubby cheeks complimenting your candy apple red smile.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Pumpkin.”, he whispered.

“You raggedy as fuck. Just want you to know that. I love you though. ”, you clapped back.

“I love you, too, but hoooooow?!”, Winston looked down into your teary light brown eyes. “New York, Winston? Really?”, you answered.

“Denver, Khalida? Really?, he shot back.

Silence. “Touché.”

Your staff recorded the entire exchange. Praise the ancestors for them. You looked over to the counter to see a large bouquet of your rose trifecta and Tropical Skittles, your personal favorite candy. Your favorite snack was sporting a burgundy suit with a tan turtleneck.

“Now, I was in a crunch trying to get here, but I figured you’d appreciate the Tropical Skittles over the originals, even though Skittles are your favorite regardless.”, he explained. You shook your head as you heard his explanation.

“God, I love you, Winston.” He kissed your fivehead before giving your lips the same attention.

“I love you even more, Pumpkin.”

“Have I mentioned how much I love you?”, you asked.

“Only twice in the past hour. ”, he teased. “Now come on—it’s half-past 4 and we need to get ready for the night ahead of us.”

“Welp, there goes that Forensic Files binge-a-thon I bragged about.”

Tag Listiana 🤷🏽‍♀️

@muse-of-mbaku @kumkaniudaku @eriknutinthispoosy-deactivated2 @whoramilaje @mbakusthrone @mbakuwife @crushed-pink-petals @hoopshoney @purple-apricots @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @jackburtonsays @randomwordprompts @bartierbakarimobisson @wakandan-flowerz @blackpantherreblogs @babygirlofwakanda @eerythingisshaka @washyourlinens @turn-thy-paige @doublesidedscoobysnacks @supersizemeplz @wakandas-vibranium @dramaqueenamby @oshasimone @destinio1 @sonofnjobu @teheeboo @sarahboseman @iamrheaspeaks @chaneajoyyy @lovelynervouschaos @cay-cah @coonflix @katasstrophey @mareethequeen @jozigrrl @great-neckpectations @jellybean531 @yofavcocoa @storibambino @maya-leche @blackgirloneshots @royallyprincesslilly @texasbama @certifiednatural @abeautifulmindexposed

[nightmare-cat-art]

Myths and Lies- Chapter 1- Part 1

Chapter 1

Present day

When I was five, I learned how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism because I was bored. I had no brothers to keep me occupied and I learned from an early age, the only way my half sister and me would see eye-to-eye would be if I ripped her eyes out. Tempting, shame it would be illegal with a long prison sentence.

Me being bored happened a lot.

At five years, old I also figured out the only contribution my dad had to my life is his DNA. I’ve got –my mum- Diana’s blonde hair but I’m pretty sure I got my brown eyes from him. In the name blaming game, apparently, my mum chose my first name; Alexa and he chose the unmentionable middle name. I wasn't sure if my mum was just angry with, 'invisi dad,' that day. Another story is my middle name came from one of the mutual likes both my parents had.

People bond over TV programmes, food, technology. My parents bonded over Greek mythology. Out of all the Greek Mythology names they could have picked, they picked the name of a Goddess who got kidnapped to the land of the dead. I envy kids who grew up with fairy tales as bedtime stories and girls who got to dress as princesses. I got the adventures of Zeus and got sent in a toga for fancy dress day.

On top of that, shortly after I was five, it was announced to me Father Christmas didn’t exist. By the age of six, I figured men and fathers were trouble.

The past almost thirteen years after that realisation, the male gender has done nothing to make up for themselves. Except occasionally throwing me the odd chocolate on Valentines Day. However, when I was thirteen Valentines Day chocolates did more damage. The current boyfriend at the time gave me a packet of Revels. Toffee Revels do not mix with braces. I spent my time in the orthodontist chair, thinking how I was going to dump that boyfriend. Due to my interest in science, I was split between using gravity: dropping a rock with the message on him or burning the message on his morning registration table using PH1 acid. I swayed more to the first option, as I wouldn't have to face a reminder of that relationship for the rest of my time at school.

My lack of faith in men has sort of left a large gap, when it comes to my tolerance in them. Enough to say the guy who stole my first kiss, ended up with a broken nose and I ran away screaming. Any confrontations with boys, my friends ultimately dealt with them for me. This means the first boyfriend got saved from being hit by a rock.

Fate had it; I was born in the summer. I could spend the last few days of my year staring up at the sky behind sunglasses, sipping ice-cold cola. Thankful, that the braces went before I turned fourteen; therefore, I can drink those kinds of, “Bad for your teeth,” Drinks. The orthodontist, who lived down the road from me, wouldn't catch me and tell me off with a lecture on braces rules. I know dentists don't live in their surgeries, but why does mine have to live down the road? Or did he offer some sort of same postcode discount? Apart from the orthodontist living near me, another thing was bad about summer. I was born on the wrong side of summer.

My mother gave birth to me in the middle of July. Meaning I have to spend my birthdays in school. Visions of me sunbathing down by the brook or the back garden, turned into sunbathing on the school field listening to screaming school kids. On this occasion, my birthday is on the final exam of my sixth form life. At least this gave two things to celebrate. My eighteenth birthday and the end of sixth form and I can start my gap year then get off to university.

It is due to my mum I’m taking a gap year. She hinted at things I could be doing, not one of the hints put me out of fifty miles’ radius of our, 'busy when it wants to be,' town. I put it down to she didn't want to be left alone in the oversized house and the desire she has to keep me from the outside world.

Annoyingly, from the age of eighteen she let Sarah, my half-sister, go travelling. Sarah disappears at the end of spring then reappears at the end of winter. She brings with her blossom on the trees, warmer weather and my desperate want to shoot her. My mum makes up the story that she is with her dad. That isn't proven in the Facebook photos Sarah posts. Pretty sure I've seen Sarah's dad, he doesn't look like any of the men in the photos.

Growing up, my mum did the thing of smothering me, I'm nearly eighteen and I still have a curfew. I'm expected to spend the next year working in a travel agent; I’m still waiting for my mother to see the irony.

The only good things coming my way this year: My two friends have decided to stay, and I get to stay in a clean house with my garden obsessed mother who will feed me.

Hopefully, my mind won't be damaged too much; chances are my mum's friend Athena will be over on her weekly visits making sure I'm not glued to the TV.

“I cannot believe it is our final few days here.” A blur of white and black wheeled past me in the student council room. The blur woman is being the monster of distraction. I’ve been trying to do some revision for the biology exam, which is sometime after lunch, or fifth period according to the timetable. I say sometime after lunch as the exam hall or gym is across the field, down a hill and past the smokers. I might as well start making my way there early, in case the hill decides to hate me.

“Really? You have a calendar that has counted down to these very days since September!” I sighed, pointing over to Yuuki's vibrant wall in the student council room. How Yuuki got on the student council I have no idea… actually blackmail comes to mind. The calendar is pinned in the corner is only thing that hasn't changed on her wall since September. Yuuki covered the walls in her latest Hollywood crush. This month it’s Clark Gable.

“Well I needed to put something in the calendar! Really Alexa, not everyone takes these exams seriously.” She’s probably hinting at the fact my calendar had counted down to these exams since the beginning of the year. “Besides I like the cute kittens on my calendar.” She smirked, revealing blue teeth and the fact she had been on the blue raspberry Popsicles again. At least her white shirt isn't Popsicle tie-dyed, like last time.

“Yuuki, shouldn't you either be revising or finalising student council things? For once, follow the rules on what we should, be doing in here.” Sophia called buried under paper at the other side of the room. Sophia made me glad I’m not a part of this council. It looked too much work, even if you did have Yuuki proving you could do this work with little effort, but then she normally did nothing.

However, I felt part of their pain. My luck my two close friends dragged me to wait outside every fortnightly meeting.

“If we are playing by rules. I'm kicking Alexa out; she isn't a member of the council!” Yuuki argued.

“Please do that. I might get some work done.” I groaned, tempted to bash my head on the wooden desk. I only come in here because they decide to do work every so often, or Sophia does work, Yuuki messes about. Sophia's auburn hair poked out of the paper after that.

“Alexa isn't going anywhere.” Sophia replied bluntly, pushing her reading glasses up.

“Actually, I might as well get some air. This exam might kill me. Or at least make me kill the person in front of me, that way I can examine their lungs to get the respiration questions right.”

“This is why I was against you taking biology.” Sophia stated.

“To be honest, Soph. You were against her taking nearly all the subjects here. What was it? Textiles, she would stick pins into people’s eyes... Not that she has the imagination for the arts-.”

“Yuuki. Shut up.” I said. I didn't need this a short time away from the exam. Like usual, Yuuki is too persistent and continued talking about me to Sophia.

“Geography, you were worried she would learn where to plant explosives or bury bodies. Sociology and psychology, we didn't need her to find out more things wrong with society or find out exactly how the mind works. You were pretty sure, that if she took those two subjects we would be looking at a real-life psychological horror film.”

“Ok Yuuki.” Sophia interrupted. “I complained a lot two years ago, I get it.”

“Complained?” Yuuki coughed with sarcasm, dragging out another melting ice pop, from God knows where.

“I'm going out.” I sighed. I’m used to the words that came with how my mind worked, hence I’m used to the isolation. I’m the seventeen-year-old female who is uncomfortable around people especially men, but I am also the person who understood people to the point it became freaky.

“Alexa!” Sophia called. I walked out of the modern decorated room to the pale corridor. Sophia will tell me to get back inside, if I obeyed her and stopped in the stuffy room, my headache would worsen.

Anyone else would have to add in time to figure out how to get through the labyrinth of corridors and one-way system this school has. Luckily after a few hit and miss tries here when I first started this school about six years ago, I got the navigation down to an art.

I felt like running out of the gates and throw myself on the long grass near the pond in the middle of the woods. If only, ‘I didn’t fancy doing the exam,' turned out to be an appropriate excuse to get out of an A-level exam. Maybe I should do that. Thanks to my mother, my life isn't going anywhere. She might as well chain me to the side of a cliff like they do in Greek Mythology.

“Persephone. Why did they have to pick Persephone?” I almost screamed it out loud to stop myself from hitting my head against something hard or going back to my habit of pulling my hair. As if knowing Greek Mythology stories weren't enough. I get reminded of it every time someone says my full name. “Why not let the ground swallow me up and take me to the Underworld like in the story?” I groaned, kicking a stone by the tree near the broken fence.

I rested my forehead on the tree trunk closing my eyes tight. Wishing for change. Something light land on my head, I opened my eyes and stepped back to find a dozen leaves floating to the ground.

“I've lost it.” I muttered.

“Persephone Kora.” I jumped. Turning to find the man who had sang that, he sounded proud of himself. This is the reason I’m not allowed to carry any sort of weapon on me.

“That is not my name.” I hissed, curling my fists at my sides.

“You said it was a moment ago.” The light-haired man grinned.

“No, I didn't.” I answered, trying to remember exactly what I said in that rant. I know for certain I did not say, 'I'm Persephone,' I'd rather pull my hair out, which is what I might end up doing if I don't stop pulling my hair at the roots, thanks to stress.

“Do you know what sort of reward I'd get, if I took you back?”

“A special padded cell?” I think I have found someone crazier than my mum, at least she didn't show any signs of being deluded into thinking I am Persephone from the stories. “Plus, you're on school grounds.” I pointed out trying to seem calm, hoping he didn’t need to be told that is a rule he is currently breaking.

His smug look turned into one of anger. I tried running towards the school he grabbed me by the arm pulling me in the opposite direction, muttering something about, Hades.

“Who the hell are you?” I yelled trying to kick him, missing every time. “I am not who you think I am!” There must be other females out there whose actual name is Persephone.

“You need to come with me!” He commanded. If he thought I’m going to go with him by saying that, he is 100% wrong. I tried pulling myself away; forcing him to move slightly forward in the direction I’m going, causing him to tighten his grip. Making my arm he’s holding hurt more.

“I'm not going with anyone!” I shrieked. Where is everyone when you need them?

“Fine.” He said stopping suddenly. No part of me took that, as he is about to give up.

Of course, he didn't.

He seized me and threw me on his shoulder. Then I began screaming blue murder, while kicking and watching the school grow further away as he walked across the field outside of the fence. My whole body warned me to get away as soon as possible and I believe my stomach is threatening to throw up.

“If you don't shut up and stop moving I'll make you.” He sneered. I coughed back a laugh. I’m the one at fault here?

“I'll make you put me down!” I snapped. I knew however, I'd probably never be able to do that. This has never happened to me before! I never expected to be kidnapped. I tried living a quiet life where I blended in, not causing too much attention, ignoring the slight hiccup that happened every so often. I have never learned how to get out of these situations!

Oh no. He'll kill me then throw my body in a ditch.

“Let me go!” I shrieked.

I’m on the edge of screaming, 'I don't want to die,' my emotions started to turn, slowly giving up as I felt the tears gather.

In our small town, there is a secluded area. Although, I’m not facing the direction we are going, I had a suspicion that we are heading to that area.

In the middle of this small private area is a large stone temple. As far as I knew, no one had been in it. There’s a town law that stated you needed special permission to even walk on the steps around the building. The town council were probably over cautious, thinking someone is going to vandalise the white stone, or the worn statues around the perimeter of the walls.

“Please, let me go.” I pleaded; hoping for the millionth time it would make difference. I knew we are in the private area. The old trees surrounding the temple proved it. My fear heightened once hearing the creak of the metal gate that kept people out. He had to kick the black iron door a few times, while twisting the golden door handle in the middle of it. A cloud of dust exited the dimly lit hall before he dragged me in.

“Stay still.” He threw me off his shoulder. My spine slammed against one of the inner stonewalls. I shrank back thinking how to get away. I booted him; he grabbed my wrists harsh enough I’m sure they would be bruise.

He tied my hands together, ignoring my struggles, with a loose bit of rough hanging rope that he got from one of the spikes sticking out from the wall. He walked through a wooden door into another room with a window dome, which to be honest needed to be cleaned, on the ceiling.

“I'm not who you think I am!” I cried collapsing further by the wall; I curled up in the entrance. I hid myself from the main hall.

He had locked the front door, unless I became the master of knocking down sturdy looking doors, I’m stuck.

I tried to quieten my breathing when talking in the next room started. I began panicking more inside.

He is going to kill me.

I’m going to be a sacrifice to whatever God he worshiped.

“My lord. I found her.” He muttered, over and over again, sometimes mentioning the name, 'Persephone,' Sometimes other incomprehensible things.

There’s no reply. I calmed a bit. He was busy preoccupying himself in a fictional belief. I leaped at the door.

“Get back here!” The man in the next room commanded, hearing me trying to open the door; the clunking of the gold door handle was obvious. He marched forward grabbing the sides of my shirt and dragging me back into the dusty room. I started to scream for help, when it he decided he'd be able to drag me back better if he held me by my waist and not my shirt. Panic and pain began to intensify the longer he touched me.

There’s a shiny marble alter in the middle of the room. Once there, he used the chains, which I guessed were used for actual sacrifices, and linked them to the rope that is rubbing my wrists. I couldn't see what he is doing due to being on the wrong side of the table.

His mutterings commenced again. This time they didn't last for long.

“You had better have a good reason for this!” Another voice sneered.

I kept quiet.

If I gave myself up the more likely these people would kill me. They had to be insane; the one who had just talked must live here.

“I-I,” He stuttered, almost sounding as if he’s in shock. “She-.” It is if he can't get out more than one word.

I wanted to go home. Forget the exam I have. Chances are it would be starting any minute. I wanted the new English accented man to give up go away and then I might be able to get out of here.

“Over there.” The kidnapper squeaked. I would probably have had the same reaction, if it weren’t caught in my throat, after hearing footsteps begin walking this way. I wished for once in my life the unrealistic thing would happen, and I would become invisible.

I shrank back again, shuffling, far away from the sound of footsteps.

The man who the footsteps belonged to suddenly appeared.

I could see him... And he could see me. A smile grew on his pale face.

I feel like I’m caught in headlights.

Another first, I am speechless in a man’s presence and not running away. There’s something about him that made my eyes lock onto him and even approach him, which for me, it’s the weirdest feeling ever.

“You are an idiot.” He abruptly said turning back to the kidnapper. His dark hair, which reached his shoulders, shifted with the air at his quick movement before walking away.

“What?” He shrieked in a reply. The kidnapper seemed to be the one about to have the panic attack. My respiratory system is still frozen from shock of the, Dark and Mysterious man’s stare.

“As much as I wanted to know she existed, there were rules put in place!”

I climbed up, still shaking from fear but my want to get out of here is slowly eating away at my sanity and me. I'm putting me wanting to get cosy and getting to know, Dark and Mysterious guy over there down to I'm becoming insane.

“Can I go home please?” I breathed.

“No.” Dark and Mysterious said, without even thinking.

“I really need to go.” I trembled. I’m not a people person or a person who went well with stress.

“Idiot.” He muttered shaking his head, making his way back to me.

My back is against the pillar next to the altar I’m stood next to.

“Are you going to kill me?” I worried. He then looked at me like he’s shocked that I would think of that.

“No. No. I'd never...”

“Then let me go. I won't say anything.” I don't know if anyone would believe me that there is a Greek cult here.

“I'm not letting you go.” He answered angry with me.

[jackyinzerplaysfallout]

The Truth Shall Set You Free

This is a reaction post to the question: “How would a companion react to finding out that they were a Synth copy of the Sole Survivor?”

This one is focused on Piper Wright. More may follow.

Background: Before deciding to release his surviving parent from Vault 111, Father had decided to use the DNA profile from the Vault-Tec database to have a Synth copy made of Nate/Nora to run simulated situations with Synth Shawn. This was partially to see how a Synth “family” would function, and although he won’t admit it, partially to get a glimpse at how life with his parent might have been.

Due to the instability of Synth Shawn, the program was a failure.

The Institute decided to have the Nate/Nora Synth’s memory wiped and put them in the Wasteland under a new identity to try to better understand the movements of runaway Synths that have had a memory wipe. With the original safe in cryo, There was no need to do reconstructive surgery.

The Synth woke up on the surface one day believing they were…

Piper Wright: The story about Piper’s father was true, to a point. Except the man that Piper remembered as her father died childless, and the raiders did raid the settlement, leaving no survivors.

When the Synth calling herself Piper Wright found an abandoned young girl on her travels, the mother instincts programed from Nora surfaced. She adopted little Nat as her own sister.

Years later: “DANNY, YOU OPEN THIS DOOR…..RIGHT NOW!” Piper banged her fist against the wall beside the intercom, then sighed. She briefly wondered if she could make it to Goodneighbor before it got dark. She wasn’t Mayor Hancock’s favorite person, but the ghoul never denied someone in need. She was about to start out when she caught a flash of bright blue out of the corner of her eye.

The vault dweller approaching the massive gate to Diamond City was wearing leather armor over her vault suit and an assault gas mask that covered her face and hair.

When she saw the woman in the red leather trench coat, the vault dweller appeared to freeze in confusion, and Piper thought for certain the woman was going to bolt in fear before she finally got her to finally come close.

The Vault Dweller, Nora, agreed to the interview, but refused to take her mask off. This annoyed Piper because those gas masks tended to muffle the wearer’s voice.

After the interview, Piper didn’t hear anything more from the masked Vault Dweller until after Nick Valentine returned from Skinny Malone’s hideout. The Synth detective sent word for Piper to meet him at his office. When she arrived, the first thing she noticed was how unnerved Ellie, Nick’s secretary, was and how she refused to make eye contact with the reporter.

“Piper. Please sit down.” Said Nick, giving Piper the hard stare usually reserved for suspects. “Nick…..What’s going on here? You two are starting to freak me out big time.” said Piper,

Nick paused, considering his words carefully. “We’ve known each other a long time now, kid. And I feel like in that time we’ve had a mutual trust, even though I’m…well… a Synth.”

Piper softened a bit “Nicky, of course! I trust you with my life…hell, I trust you with my baby sister’s life. What’s this all about?”

The old Synth gestured to a case file on the desk beside him. “I was rescued by the Sole Survivor of Vault 111. The same woman you interviewed some months ago. It seems the Institute had a special interest in her. Not only did they steal her son, but it seems they made a Synth of her too…and it’s been walking around the Commonwealth long before she was thawed out.”

“That’s incredible, but why would the Institute make a copy of someone locked in cryo?” Piper asked, momentarily forgetting about Nick and Ellie’s odd behavior.

“We were hoping you could tell us,” replied Nick evenly.

“Wait…. Me? But….How would I know?!” she asked in confusion, looking between her two friends.

“She really doesn’t know, does she?” Asked a voice from behind the partition closing off the sleeping quarters from the rest of the office.

Piper’s eyes flew wide at the sound of the familiar sounding voice. She stood up, whirled around, and found herself staring into her own hazel green eyes.

The Vault Dweller stood before her, wearing her face, her hair… a perfect replica; right down to the splay of freckles across her cheeks. She didn’t realize she had been backing away from her doppelganger until she crashed into the file cabinets behind her. Piper quickly drew her 10mm pistol and aimed it at the blue suited imposter.

“JESUS, NICK!!! HOW COULD YOU?! You can try to replace me, but I’m not going without a fight.” Piper spat angrily.

Nick quickly moved between Piper and Nora, hands raised. “No one is replacing you…. She’s HUMAN, Piper… We went to Doctor Amari at the Memory Den and plugged her into a lounger. Her brain scan read human.”

Piper’s face drained of color and she slowly lowered her weapon as the implication of Nick’s words sank in. She buried her face in her hands and slowly sank to the floor.

“We found a trader who used to frequent the settlement you claim to have come from…“ Nick said gently. “Constable Wright never had any children… and the settlement WAS wiped out by raiders.”

“That’s impossible…” Piper sobbed through her hands. “I remember everything….”

“Piper…�� Nick put a hand gently on her shoulder. “Who is Nat? Who is she really?”

“I didn’t kill her parents and steal her, if that’s what you’re implying.” Piper looked up at Nick, her eyes puffy from crying and burning with indignation. ”It’s the only lie I ever told you, Nick. I found her hidden in the remains of a caravan that had been hit by gouls. I just couldn’t leave her behind… so I told everyone she was my sister…”

Ellie walked over and knelt beside the reporter, offering a hug and a clean bandana.

“What? You’re not afraid of me now?” She said to Ellie with a slight edge to her voice.

“Oh Piper…. I’ve been friends with Nick far too long to be afraid of a synth…. And I’ve known you too long to be afraid of you…. But…you gotta understand… We didn’t know how you would react to seeing Nora… We didn’t know if it would trigger some command or….” Ellie trailed off, looking up to Nick and Nora.

Nora walked over and extended a hand to her Synth double. Piper momentarily flinched away and glared distrustfully at her twin before sighing and accepting help up off the floor.

“Now what happens?” Piper asked shakily as she was helped to a chair.

Nora looked at the three of them in turn and said, “As far as I’m concerned, this changes nothing. You are still the same passionate, caring person who took in an abandoned little girl and raised her as your own sister. You’re the same person that cares for this city and fights for truth. You may have started as a copy of me, but you are still your own person. Everything that makes you Piper Wright is yours alone. No one in this town needs to know if you don’t want them to. We can work it out.”

Piper looked down at her hands in her lap for a long time, considering her situation. “I’d rather hear an ugly truth than a pretty lie… but I have Nat to think about. I’ll have to figure that out eventually… in the meantime, you remember my offer to go with you?”

“Yeeeaaah?” Nora replied hesitantly.

“Well, Blue, You don’t have a choice now. The Institute has some explaining to do, and I’m not gonna rest until we both get the answers we need.”

[kaysmomma9210-blog]

Heartbroken...pregnant...but moving on.

I'm fine. I'm fine until I wake up and life ingulfs me and I realize what my life has become. No..its not horrible... Im sure people suffer way worse than me. In this moment of clarity, I completely believe that I am 5he absolute only female who just can't seem to grow the eff up and stop crying like a baby. But every morning..there it is..pain that swarms my every thought. Its like being stuck in a hole..climbing to the top and falling down just when your fingertips grasp the light. Your surrounded by pain and darkness and anxiety...you don't know when you will ever feel "okay" again. Okay...I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm whatever you want to call me...but through this time...this is what has been bothering me. I lived in key west. We couldn't afford the house we were renting, and eventually had to figure something else out. So with out being completely homeless, we decided to buy a nice tent and set up shop at a local camp ground. Don't get me wrong... It wasn't the worst thing. We had a ocean view just a block away. There was a pool and spa...a restaurant that was cheap enough. There was a playground and a bar. It didn't suck until month 3-4.. Time was going but our business wasn't getting anywhere. My boyfriend...and my daughters father ...let's just call him "D" for now...was working day and night just to make sure we had food and of course to pay for our spot..which wasn't cheap at 60-80 dollars a night depending on the season. Our daughter went to school and I had a job...so its not like we were there all the time anyway. We had a constant flow if neighbors and it just became the normal. I ended up getting pregnant that January...and I was happy as could be. It was all I wanted. I told everybody and started planning and we had plans to move to Tampa or fort Lauderdale so we could afford a lifestyle more. It was hott and uncomfortable...we had one car that kept breaking down...and only a few people in the area that we could call friends. It was hard to survive...but we kept at it with the hope of getting good money and moving up north. It was the end of January when I started to bleed heavy and went to the hospital just to confirm my worst fears. We weren't having another baby...and what was worse was that I had to miscarry in a campground, with hundreds of people using one shared bathroom. I cried for days...and the heat made it millions times worse. I didn't eat or shower...I laid in bed hoping to just die from all the physical and emotional pain. I eventually got past that part... But D and i 's relationship suffered immensely. We were constantly fighting... I developed harsh feelings for him. I didn't feel love from him and he wasn't getting it from me. We fought in front of our six year old daughter almost daily. One day he told me he had a friend coming down to help him with a few bigger jobs he started to get. I was mad that he was having a friend come and see where we lived as well as hearing his father who was out of his mind do to his alcoholism and a few strokes...would be there as well. The day he came ...and we will just call D's friend as "C" ...I was working. He came buy at 7pm and picked me up in C's car. We drove to our tent site and that was the first time I saw him. He was tall...bronze skin and dark curly hair. Nothing I ever thought I would be attracted too...but he looked at me and just looking into his eyes...I felt an instant connection with him. I quickly looked away so he wouldn't see my pale skin turn a horrible shade of red. I tried to ignore it...in my defense. I knew that any thoughts towards D's friend were completely inexcusable and I couldn't go there. We all worked so it made things easier...but when we came home after dinner.. I couldn't avoid it. I started doing my hair to perfection...always putting makeup on. I played with the idea of him feeling the same way...so that whenever I looked at him I would just smile and look elsewhere. I of course used my charm and whit to get him to notice my flirtatious attitude. Hiding it from D as best as I could. I did his laundry one day and folded it and D asked me why about a million times..but I could never tell him the real reason. The night before valentines day... D went to take a shower and I came out of the tent after putting down my daughter...I made a lot of noise to see if he would come out of his own tent.. And I eventually heard the sound I'd been longing to hear. He slowly unzipped the zipper and came out to the table to talk to me. He told me how he was in a relationship with a girl he didn't want to be with anymore. They lived together and he couldnt stand her. He said they were gonna break up when he got back home...my insides completely melted. I then told him about my and D's troubles and that I was going to move back home "where C lived" and just be single for awhile. That's basically where it started between us. On valentines day, he let me use his car to drive to work with D's permission...and I couldn't help but to smell the seatbelt over and over because it smelled so much like his cologne. I bought some stuff for D and then bought some cresent pastries for C because he had said how much he liked them. I put hearts all over it and told him I felt bad that his girlfriend couldn't be here for him at this time. That afternoon I finally mustered up the courage to go up to him and ask for his phone number. I played it off like I just wanted it "just in case" and I gave him mine...but we all know where my motivations were ;). That next morning I was on cloud nine driving to work because he had sent me the first text. At work..I pretty much fessed up about how attractive he was to me and that I couldn't help that I felt this way...and he told me he felt exactly the same way. My heart was soaring. I had never been so attracted to someone like him and the fact that the feelings were mutual was just the cherry on the top. He told me that he had sprayed his seatbelt with his cologne on purpose..and the whole time he knew what I was doing because he was flirting too. We talked all day and all night on the phone.. Soon enough we decided to get a Voxer account for our texting so that D wouldn't find out. The next morning , D left to take our daughter to school and he asked if I would come out so that he could kiss me. I straightened up every ounce of strength I had a went out there to his bright and beautiful smile. He walked up to me and put his hands on my waist, and me his shoulders and I completely melted into his kiss. It was heart racing and probably the best kiss I'd ever had. It felt like days had passed when we finally broke free from each other as I heard D's truck driving back to our site. We quickly dispersed back into our tents..with my hands shaking and my knees feeling weak. His next text said " you have the softest lips ever..I could kiss you forever" each word singing praises into my ears. I was flying and nothing could bring me down...not even D's shitty attitude. It was such a crazy experience though. I had D...who I'd dated for 9 years... He was my best friend for so long and I know I would always love him as my child's dad...but the more time went on with C, I just couldn't imagine being with D anymore. We went to the beach one day, where I decided to drink more than I should have and got totally trashed. On the way home I had to stop to throw up and it was the worst most embarrassing thing to happen. I laid my head against the window behind C's seat and he reached back to put his hand on my left leg. His touch meant everything to me especially after what just happened. D also had his hand on my right knee...and having two guys rubbing my leg without even knowing it...trying to sober up was probably the craziest thing I've ever been through. Things with C got more serious everyday we were together... I secretly always did his laundry. Slipped him notes and dedicated him songs. Him being there made me so happy. One night we decided we just had to be together. We waited until D fell asleep.. And went into the back of his car. It was so terrifying knowing that D could come out of the tent at any time...but it made our adrenaline rush that much stronger. We kissed and held each other... And finally decided to call it quits and head to bed. The next day at work he told me he loved me. It shocked me in many ways. I knew that I didn't love him like I loved D. That was unconditional... But my feelings for him were electric... I dreamed about walking down the isle to those exact eyes. He told me I was his soul mate and that we would have to elope and run away together. His last day in the keys was heart breaking... D went to work and C left right before. I thought I would die inside because he left before D without being able to say goodbye to me. After D left I went in the tent and cried all before a got a text. " I'm just down the street..is he gone?" He wasn't leaving yet and I was ecstatic. We kissed so much and I cried to him... I wanted to be his more than words...but he had to leave...and I had to let him go. We text back and forth nonstop...and hiding it from D was no easy ordeal. He would constantly check my phone because all along I know he felt our connection. There was no denying it. I loved C and I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to hurt D...I just was happy for the first time in so long. Every morning I'd wake up with a good morning beautiful and every day we would video chat and talk. I started walking into work smiling at my phone and it caused some unwanted attention from another guy I worked with. He then started texting me constantly...asking me to hook up with him. MY head started to swoon as I had three guys wanting MY attention. I was flattered...but my heart belonged to C...and there was no denying it. D and I started to fight nonstop...and I had finally made the decision (with the help of C) to come back home with my daughter. The last day, the guy from work begged me to just hang out with him one time and I decided to live it up and see what could happen. We drove into the mangroves and just had a good time. My heart wasn't in it with him though and I wished him off with a goodbye and packed up the rest of my stuff. I couldn't wait to see C...it had been three months and I could tell you that I was possibly in love with him. We couldn't let my daughter know so he couldn't pick us up from the airport...but as soon as my plane touched down...all thoughts were on him. My mom drove us to her house and promised to watch my daughter. I put on my nicest outfit and my best perfume. I did my hair and makeup to perfection and as soon as his gf went to sleep, he snuck out of his house and I met him in a parking lot. My legs felt like jello as he got out and hugged me with a big bouquet of flowers. We went to a friend of his house and parked on the side street. We talked about him and his gf breaking up and me and D breaking up..but we really just couldn't keep our hands off each other. After that...I started going to his house every night...the second night we finally had sex and it was like...purely amazing. He was the best I'd ever had, but maybe it was because I was just completely attracted to him. The next night we met at Kroger's and holding his hand was like literally the most amazing feeling in the world. I was in love and blind to what was coming next.... Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from where I am today...because C had me wrapped around his pretty bronze finger. I did everything for him... I Brought him food and cigarettes... Gave him back massages every night and sex whenever he wanted. He and i would video message eachother when he was at work and get naked and i would send him pic after pic to get him off. I was his personal sex slave and did whatever he asked me to do. Soon his gf found out about me and moved out...D was still working in key west when he eventually found the secret app and read everything between us. I told him it was over and that I was in love with C. D started to call and message C...and it scared C horribly. He was on edge and it hindered us quite a bit...but I was oblivious to any doubt's C was having because I felt like things between us had just started. His girlfriend finally moved out and I was able to come stay with him every night. I eventually got a new job making good money and a new car. Life was so good...I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight. I wanted to become everything C wanted.....that was until C told me about a job he had done at a woman's house. She was 40 something... With five kids and he told me how he felt so bad for her because she had to do it all alone. It was odd to me to hear this...but I felt like he had a good heart and that was it. Every night was the same....I'd get to his house...go to his room...put on one of his million dolphins jersey with nothing on underneath and he would come and put on our playlist and it would be an amazing night. One night he told me he wasn't home yet at 10pm because he was babysitting one of that lady's kids. It was her little 2 year old girl he said he was absolutely crazy about. He even video messaged me while he was there and I literally thought nothing of it. Until the next morning he told me he stayed up talking with (let's call her S) until 3 in the morning. He said he looked up to her and thought so much of her...and it was then I felt just a pang of jealousy. At that time...D was calling me everyday just crying and crying...he was heartbroken...but I didn't know what to say. I finally told C about it and he said he was worried about that. That night at C's house...we talked a lot about S. He told me that it wasn't like that because he didn't think she would ever fall for someone like him....but if she did...he would be extremely happy. I was lost...I thought he wanted me...but now he was telling me this? Things werent that bad...I didn't know how he could say this to me. He told me it would never happen though with her and we just continued to fuck and go on with life. The next week, S wasn't mentioned even once...and I felt like things were getting back on track. C was sick...and I took care of him. Bringing him soup and bread from panera...rubbing his back and servicing him in every way. He finally started to feel better until I found out D was coming down here to see our daughter. I didn't think much of it... The last day I saw C.. I teased him a little so that he would want me after D left...but I didn't give it up. He tried dragging me up the stairs to his room...but I declined.. Hoping he would want me even more later. D finally left the next day...and I was anxious to be with C. I couldn't wait...and he told me to come over that night after work. I got ready and looked my best for him when he tried to Skype me. It took four or five time for him to say it due to our bad connection...but he said that him and S had been talking since that one night he told me about her...and that S wanted him and he wanted her...and that we could just be friends. I couldn't believe the words he was saying....I was speechless. I cried and begged him to not do this...that things had just started for us and were going to get better...but his mind was made up...and I had to move on. I completely stopped eating and caring about anything. I was the skinniest I'd been since highschool and my heart hurt everyday. That was June 1st...and it is now August 11th. C and I have talked only twice and I have made every intention on telling him I am now happy and moved on when it is the complete opposite. I wake up with heartache everyday...I ended up gaining the weight back and stopped going to the gym. D came back for good and started living with my mom and us too. At first I told him I didn't want him...but eventually having him there eased a little of the hurt I was feeling. D felt like it was his fault for what I did because he treated me like shit...but in a way...I don't think that is true. I hate myself for everything and wish I had never met C. I cry daily and the hurt never goes away. I just found out I am now pregnant with our second child due to a faulty condom..me and D...and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. My depression has taken over my whole being and I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I pray that C will end things with S everyday....but in the end I know that even if he did...I couldn't let him back into my life anyway. I was at my best being with him and now I feel like I'm at my worst. I just want to feel like how I felt with him...but I just keep burying myself deeper inside this hole. Deeper into my depression. I just want to move on and be happy. Here's to another day...

[kaysmomma9210-blog]

Heartbroken...pregnant...but moving on.

m fine. I'm fine until I wake up and life ingulfs me and I realize what my life has become. No..its not horrible... Im sure people suffer way worse than me. In this moment of clarity, I completely believe that I am 5he absolute only female who just can't seem to grow the eff up and stop crying like a baby. But every morning..there it is..pain that swarms my every thought. Its like being stuck in a hole..climbing to the top and falling down just when your fingertips grasp the light. Your surrounded by pain and darkness and anxiety...you don't know when you will ever feel "okay" again. Okay...I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm whatever you want to call me...but through this time...this is what has been bothering me. I lived in key west. We couldn't afford the house we were renting, and eventually had to figure something else out. So with out being completely homeless, we decided to buy a nice tent and set up shop at a local camp ground. Don't get me wrong... It wasn't the worst thing. We had a ocean view just a block away. There was a pool and spa...a restaurant that was cheap enough. There was a playground and a bar. It didn't suck until month 3-4.. Time was going but our business wasn't getting anywhere. My boyfriend...and my daughters father ...let's just call him "D" for now...was working day and night just to make sure we had food and of course to pay for our spot..which wasn't cheap at 60-80 dollars a night depending on the season. Our daughter went to school and I had a job...so its not like we were there all the time anyway. We had a constant flow if neighbors and it just became the normal. I ended up getting pregnant that January...and I was happy as could be. It was all I wanted. I told everybody and started planning and we had plans to move to Tampa or fort Lauderdale so we could afford a lifestyle more. It was hott and uncomfortable...we had one car that kept breaking down...and only a few people in the area that we could call friends. It was hard to survive...but we kept at it with the hope of getting good money and moving up north. It was the end of January when I started to bleed heavy and went to the hospital just to confirm my worst fears. We weren't having another baby...and what was worse was that I had to miscarry in a campground, with hundreds of people using one shared bathroom. I cried for days...and the heat made it millions times worse. I didn't eat or shower...I laid in bed hoping to just die from all the physical and emotional pain. I eventually got past that part... But D and i 's relationship suffered immensely. We were constantly fighting... I developed harsh feelings for him. I didn't feel love from him and he wasn't getting it from me. We fought in front of our six year old daughter almost daily. One day he told me he had a friend coming down to help him with a few bigger jobs he started to get. I was mad that he was having a friend come and see where we lived as well as hearing his father who was out of his mind do to his alcoholism and a few strokes...would be there as well. The day he came ...and we will just call D's friend as "C" ...I was working. He came buy at 7pm and picked me up in C's car. We drove to our tent site and that was the first time I saw him. He was tall...bronze skin and dark curly hair. Nothing I ever thought I would be attracted too...but he looked at me and just looking into his eyes...I felt an instant connection with him. I quickly looked away so he wouldn't see my pale skin turn a horrible shade of red. I tried to ignore it...in my defense. I knew that any thoughts towards D's friend were completely inexcusable and I couldn't go there. We all worked so it made things easier...but when we came home after dinner.. I couldn't avoid it. I started doing my hair to perfection...always putting makeup on. I played with the idea of him feeling the same way...so that whenever I looked at him I would just smile and look elsewhere. I of course used my charm and whit to get him to notice my flirtatious attitude. Hiding it from D as best as I could. I did his laundry one day and folded it and D asked me why about a million times..but I could never tell him the real reason. The night before valentines day... D went to take a shower and I came out of the tent after putting down my daughter...I made a lot of noise to see if he would come out of his own tent.. And I eventually heard the sound I'd been longing to hear. He slowly unzipped the zipper and came out to the table to talk to me. He told me how he was in a relationship with a girl he didn't want to be with anymore. They lived together and he couldnt stand her. He said they were gonna break up when he got back home...my insides completely melted. I then told him about my and D's troubles and that I was going to move back home "where C lived" and just be single for awhile. That's basically where it started between us. On valentines day, he let me use his car to drive to work with D's permission...and I couldn't help but to smell the seatbelt over and over because it smelled so much like his cologne. I bought some stuff for D and then bought some cresent pastries for C because he had said how much he liked them. I put hearts all over it and told him I felt bad that his girlfriend couldn't be here for him at this time. That afternoon I finally mustered up the courage to go up to him and ask for his phone number. I played it off like I just wanted it "just in case" and I gave him mine...but we all know where my motivations were ;). That next morning I was on cloud nine driving to work because he had sent me the first text. At work..I pretty much fessed up about how attractive he was to me and that I couldn't help that I felt this way...and he told me he felt exactly the same way. My heart was soaring. I had never been so attracted to someone like him and the fact that the feelings were mutual was just the cherry on the top. He told me that he had sprayed his seatbelt with his cologne on purpose..and the whole time he knew what I was doing because he was flirting too. We talked all day and all night on the phone.. Soon enough we decided to get a Voxer account for our texting so that D wouldn't find out. The next morning , D left to take our daughter to school and he asked if I would come out so that he could kiss me. I straightened up every ounce of strength I had a went out there to his bright and beautiful smile. He walked up to me and put his hands on my waist, and me his shoulders and I completely melted into his kiss. It was heart racing and probably the best kiss I'd ever had. It felt like days had passed when we finally broke free from each other as I heard D's truck driving back to our site. We quickly dispersed back into our tents..with my hands shaking and my knees feeling weak. His next text said " you have the softest lips ever..I could kiss you forever" each word singing praises into my ears. I was flying and nothing could bring me down...not even D's shitty attitude. It was such a crazy experience though. I had D...who I'd dated for 9 years... He was my best friend for so long and I know I would always love him as my child's dad...but the more time went on with C, I just couldn't imagine being with D anymore. We went to the beach one day, where I decided to drink more than I should have and got totally trashed. On the way home I had to stop to throw up and it was the worst most embarrassing thing to happen. I laid my head against the window behind C's seat and he reached back to put his hand on my left leg. His touch meant everything to me especially after what just happened. D also had his hand on my right knee...and having two guys rubbing my leg without even knowing it...trying to sober up was probably the craziest thing I've ever been through. Things with C got more serious everyday we were together... I secretly always did his laundry. Slipped him notes and dedicated him songs. Him being there made me so happy. One night we decided we just had to be together. We waited until D fell asleep.. And went into the back of his car. It was so terrifying knowing that D could come out of the tent at any time...but it made our adrenaline rush that much stronger. We kissed and held each other... And finally decided to call it quits and head to bed. The next day at work he told me he loved me. It shocked me in many ways. I knew that I didn't love him like I loved D. That was unconditional... But my feelings for him were electric... I dreamed about walking down the isle to those exact eyes. He told me I was his soul mate and that we would have to elope and run away together. His last day in the keys was heart breaking... D went to work and C left right before. I thought I would die inside because he left before D without being able to say goodbye to me. After D left I went in the tent and cried all before a got a text. " I'm just down the street..is he gone?" He wasn't leaving yet and I was ecstatic. We kissed so much and I cried to him... I wanted to be his more than words...but he had to leave...and I had to let him go. We text back and forth nonstop...and hiding it from D was no easy ordeal. He would constantly check my phone because all along I know he felt our connection. There was no denying it. I loved C and I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to hurt D...I just was happy for the first time in so long. Every morning I'd wake up with a good morning beautiful and every day we would video chat and talk. I started walking into work smiling at my phone and it caused some unwanted attention from another guy I worked with. He then started texting me constantly...asking me to hook up with him. MY head started to swoon as I had three guys wanting MY attention. I was flattered...but my heart belonged to C...and there was no denying it. D and I started to fight nonstop...and I had finally made the decision (with the help of C) to come back home with my daughter. The last day, the guy from work begged me to just hang out with him one time and I decided to live it up and see what could happen. We drove into the mangroves and just had a good time. My heart wasn't in it with him though and I wished him off with a goodbye and packed up the rest of my stuff. I couldn't wait to see C...it had been three months and I could tell you that I was possibly in love with him. We couldn't let my daughter know so he couldn't pick us up from the airport...but as soon as my plane touched down...all thoughts were on him. My mom drove us to her house and promised to watch my daughter. I put on my nicest outfit and my best perfume. I did my hair and makeup to perfection and as soon as his gf went to sleep, he snuck out of his house and I met him in a parking lot. My legs felt like jello as he got out and hugged me with a big bouquet of flowers. We went to a friend of his house and parked on the side street. We talked about him and his gf breaking up and me and D breaking up..but we really just couldn't keep our hands off each other. After that...I started going to his house every night...the second night we finally had sex and it was like...purely amazing. He was the best I'd ever had, but maybe it was because I was just completely attracted to him. The next night we met at Kroger's and holding his hand was like literally the most amazing feeling in the world. I was in love and blind to what was coming next.... Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from where I am today...because C had me wrapped around his pretty bronze finger. I did everything for him... I Brought him food and cigarettes... Gave him back massages every night and sex whenever he wanted. He and i would video message eachother when he was at work and get naked and i would send him pic after pic to get him off. I was his personal sex slave and did whatever he asked me to do. Soon his gf found out about me and moved out...D was still working in key west when he eventually found the secret app and read everything between us. I told him it was over and that I was in love with C. D started to call and message C...and it scared C horribly. He was on edge and it hindered us quite a bit...but I was oblivious to any doubt's C was having because I felt like things between us had just started. His girlfriend finally moved out and I was able to come stay with him every night. I eventually got a new job making good money and a new car. Life was so good...I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight. I wanted to become everything C wanted.....that was until C told me about a job he had done at a woman's house. She was 40 something... With five kids and he told me how he felt so bad for her because she had to do it all alone. It was odd to me to hear this...but I felt like he had a good heart and that was it. Every night was the same....I'd get to his house...go to his room...put on one of his million dolphins jersey with nothing on underneath and he would come and put on our playlist and it would be an amazing night. One night he told me he wasn't home yet at 10pm because he was babysitting one of that lady's kids. It was her little 2 year old girl he said he was absolutely crazy about. He even video messaged me while he was there and I literally thought nothing of it. Until the next morning he told me he stayed up talking with (let's call her S) until 3 in the morning. He said he looked up to her and thought so much of her...and it was then I felt just a pang of jealousy. At that time...D was calling me everyday just crying and crying...he was heartbroken...but I didn't know what to say. I finally told C about it and he said he was worried about that. That night at C's house...we talked a lot about S. He told me that it wasn't like that because he didn't think she would ever fall for someone like him....but if she did...he would be extremely happy. I was lost...I thought he wanted me...but now he was telling me this? Things werent that bad...I didn't know how he could say this to me. He told me it would never happen though with her and we just continued to fuck and go on with life. The next week, S wasn't mentioned even once...and I felt like things were getting back on track. C was sick...and I took care of him. Bringing him soup and bread from panera...rubbing his back and servicing him in every way. He finally started to feel better until I found out D was coming down here to see our daughter. I didn't think much of it... The last day I saw C.. I teased him a little so that he would want me after D left...but I didn't give it up. He tried dragging me up the stairs to his room...but I declined.. Hoping he would want me even more later. D finally left the next day...and I was anxious to be with C. I couldn't wait...and he told me to come over that night after work. I got ready and looked my best for him when he tried to Skype me. It took four or five time for him to say it due to our bad connection...but he said that him and S had been talking since that one night he told me about her...and that S wanted him and he wanted her...and that we could just be friends. I couldn't believe the words he was saying....I was speechless. I cried and begged him to not do this...that things had just started for us and were going to get better...but his mind was made up...and I had to move on. I completely stopped eating and caring about anything. I was the skinniest I'd been since highschool and my heart hurt everyday. That was June 1st...and it is now August 11th. C and I have talked only twice and I have made every intention on telling him I am now happy and moved on when it is the complete opposite. I wake up with heartache everyday...I ended up gaining the weight back and stopped going to the gym. D came back for good and started living with my mom and us too. At first I told him I didn't want him...but eventually having him there eased a little of the hurt I was feeling. D felt like it was his fault for what I did because he treated me like shit...but in a way...I don't think that is true. I hate myself for everything and wish I had never met C. I cry daily and the hurt never goes away. I just found out I am now pregnant with our second child due to a faulty condom..me and D...and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. My depression has taken over my whole being and I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I pray that C will end things with S everyday....but in the end I know that even if he did...I couldn't let him back into my life anyway. I was at my best being with him and now I feel like I'm at my worst. I just want to feel like how I felt with him...but I just keep burying myself deeper inside this hole. Deeper into my depression. I just want to move on and be happy. Here's to another day...