#It's going to be hot in germany today and I forgot to drink enough yesterday so I'm posting this for you and myself

[thesolarangel]

Reminder to drink enough water!

[augustmoon259]

For I shall already have forgotten you PROLOGUE

Canada was lonely.

It was another day for a world meeting and another day where he was ignored. At least this time no one had sat on him (was he really such a comfortable cushion?).

He didn’t know what was worse: the blatant disregard for his presence or (when the other countries actually noticed him) being mistaken for America. Maybe both options were equally distasteful. Not much was accomplished at these world meetings anyway but he kept going to them, fueled in part by his duty as a representative of his country, and a smaller and more hopeful part that perhaps that day could be the day he was finally noticed. It never happened.

Canada couldn’t wrap his head around why the other countries mistook him for America so often. Sure, they were the same height, and they both had blonde-ish hair, and they both wore glasses and military uniforms, and...Okay, so he and America looked alike, but Canada’s hair was more orange and wavy! He has a winter coat, not that bomber jacket America likes! His eyes are violet, not blue! The most glaring difference between the two of them though is obviously Kumajirou. Kumajirou is Canada’s polar bear companion who he always carries around with him in his arms. The only thing America carries around are his burgers. How exactly the other countries were dense enough not to see Kumajirou was beyond Canada.

Canada sighed and decided that today he had had enough. He stood up from his chair and left the meeting room (not that anyone tried to stop him).

It was the first time in a while that Canada simply just gave up. Usually he’d attempt to at least stay longer at the meetings, but today his mood was even worse than normal. Every bad thought compounded in his mind. Yesterday, Cuba thought he was America again and yelled at him. The day before that, England, who wanted to punish America for being an idiot, forced Canada to eat his awful cooking. The day before that one, America forgot to meet with Canada for one of their usual hangouts (America would just drag him to some fast food place anyway).

Upon his arrival at the hotel he was staying at, Canada collapsed in his bed. He was angry, but now he was exhausted. Canada felt like there was a heavy pressure in his head. His old intrusive thoughts came to him unbidden. Why was he here? Why did he keep trying? No one appreciated him anymore. No one needed him anymore. There was a time when he was a colony, when he was something new, something valued, treasured, and fought for. Canada was nothing now.

He gave so much of himself to others. Still a young country, he had fought and bled through wars both big and small. Wasn’t he a nation too? Didn’t he deserve to be acknowledged by others? Why should he be forgotten?

Canada hated himself. He hated his timidness. He hated his aggression. He hated speaking up. He hated not speaking up. Most of all, he hated being in America’s shadow.

Young Canada was overshadowed by America: bright, charismatic, and special America. England took Canada in, but it was clear much of his attention was on America. Even when America left England, brashly fighting and declaring his independence, Canada stayed by England’s side. It hurt Canada not to be acknowledged by England, who he fought for. It hurt Canada that France, his first guardian, forgot about him too. It hurt Canada when America ignored him in favor of boasting because he was “the hero”. Does Canada matter to America, France, and England? Did he ever?

Hot, salty tears came out of Canada’s eyes, dripping down to his chin. He curled up into a ball, holding Kumajirou close to him. I wish I could just disappear entirely. This world doesn’t need me. No one needs me. No one.

Canada closed his eyes.

America stretched his arms after coming out of the meeting room.

Ugh, these meetings are always so boring. That’s why he always tried his best to make them more interesting! He was the hero after all! The strongest and most powerful country! If it annoyed the other nations, America didn’t really care. Besides, he knew that in their minds, they were secretly hoping for the meeting to be over with. They’d probably rather be back home than having to be stuck in a room with other countries for hours on end.

If he was being honest with himself, there was another reason he was glad to be out of there. Sometime during the meeting, maybe halfway through or later, America felt that something was wrong. No, it wasn’t his stomach acting up after eating too many burgers again or drinking too much coke. It wasn’t anything concerning his country, thank goodness. Rather, America felt like something (or someone) was missing. He had checked the room for missing occupants. There were empty chairs for the countries that never made it, clustered together, but one chair in particular caught his attention, between England’s and France’s. Hm, was that chair always there? Strange how America never noticed it before.

Outwardly he was his normal goofy self, but this conundrum stuck with America for the rest of the meeting.

He called out to France and England, who were bickering with each other (typical).

“Dudes, did you notice that totally empty chair between the two of you? Does someone sit there?”

“What are you on about now, you bloody idiot? No one sits there! It’s probably just there to keep some distance between me and the frog. Not that it helps,” England grumbled.

“Oui, I have seen no one in that chair today.”

America frowned briefly before putting on his regular smile. “Well, whatever dudes. There’s a triple cheeseburger calling my name so I’m out of here!”

He gives them a two finger salute and runs away, ignoring England’s look of disgust.

Once he’s out of the door, America slows down. He racked his brain for all the countries he knows attended the world conferences. Okay, so there’s China, Russia….Germany, Japan, Italy….Spain, Switzerland….Damn it, who am I missing? Wait, wasn’t there a country to the north of me? Who is it…? Oh yeah! Canada!

America snaps his fingers after his realization. Canada! How could he forget? He’d been meaning to call Mattie after the meeting and hang out with him, to apologize for being a no show a couple of days ago.

What’s his room again? Uh, 35? 82? 49! That’s it!

As quick as he could, America rushed to the hotel where he and the other countries were staying. When he made it to the hotel, he hurried to the elevator and pressed the button for the fourth floor. As the elevator rose higher and higher, America’s anxiety climbed. Why did he feel like he needed to urgently find Canada? The nagging feeling in his gut would not go away.

America breathed a sigh of relief when the elevator stopped and opened its doors on the fourth floor. Finally! He ran past eight rooms before making it to Canada’s. He pounded on the door but no response came. Weird. Mattie gets annoyed after just the first knock. America continued his assault before deciding to throw caution to the wind. He broke down the door and rushed inside.

There was no one present. Not Canada, not his weird bear Kumajirou, nothing. America checked the bathroom; Canada wasn’t there. If Canada wasn’t in the hotel room, then maybe he could search for some clue as to where Canada went. America rifled through the drawers and cabinets only to come up empty. He finally checked the bed. He noticed something that he hadn’t before in his panic. Lying on the pillows were Canada’s glasses. What? Mattie’s glasses? But he never forgets them! He’s way too careful for that. America checked the bed again and saw a lump underneath the blankets. He lifted the blankets, only to find Canada’s smartphone.

Pressing the power button, nothing happened, so America waited longer as the phone booted up. After a few seconds, the phone’s screen shifted to a blank white, devoid of anything except a simple note taking app. America’s fingers trembled as he opened the app. One word glared back at him.

Goodbye.

The title of the story is a line taken from Pablo Neruda’s poem, “If You Forget Me”.

Well, now

If little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you

Little by little

If suddenly you forget me

Do not look for me

For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life

And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots

Remember

That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms

And my roots will set off to seek another land

[queen-of-seventeen]

My favourite drug

So my posting date was yesterday and I did post it on ao3, linked to my artist and all, but I also wanted to share it here on tumblr for everyone who didn’t see. 

ao3

the art by my lovely artist who was a wonderful person to work with and bounce ideas off and shoutout to @thespacebetweenworlds for betaing this and calling me out on rythm, word choice and plot. You’re an angel.

Also thank you gabriella for making  @aftgreverse and moderating, this wouldn’t be here without you!

Andrew washed his hands. First rinsing with water. Top, heel, between the fingers. Then with soap and rinse it all. He never missed a spot. He didn’t feel like trailing blood everywhere he went. Not today, not ever. If only Aaron hadn’t forgotten the beeswax again for his hands. His skin wasn’t keeping up with all the washing.

Done.

He stepped out of the room. This should be the end of his work day. He’d have to make dinner for Aaron and prepare for Nicky’s visit from Germany. He should give Katelyn the week off, he didn’t know if he’d given her a break since he hired her years ago. Nicky could take over some tasks and Andrew would be off work a bit more. His cousin was at least notorious in that.

Andrew was already getting a headache when he thought about it. He didn’t hate his cousin but like was too strong a word. At least Erik and his hot chocolates were coming also.

The family of his patient hugged him when he told them their husband and father wasn’t going to die. Why did people feel the need to hug strangers? It was nauseating. Too bad he couldn’t stab them, it wouldn’t do his reputation good. He did have to be a “good” doctor in the end and not kill anyone. Like the man who had lain on his table.

Would he react the same way if it was Aaron or Nicky on that table?

No. He hadn’t cried like that after Aaron’s accident. He just had to crash the GT, hadn’t he?

He told the family that they would be updated by a nurse from now on and Andrew’s day was over. Besides, nurses did more work than he did, he just had to cut people open and stitch them shut. Easy deal.

Someone screamed outside. Probably a woman who would barely make it into one of the delivery rooms. Nothing for him to do. He made his way to the staff room when someone called his name. It was Boyd. He worked at the ambulances and was always too curious for his own good.

“Hey, Andrew, we kind of need your help? Someone has to stitch up Neil and he won’t let anyone but you do it.”

Andrew remembered Neil. He never forgot anyone, but least of all that auburn haired man that could always be found near Boyd. And if people knew little about Andrew they knew nothing about Neil. Which might be why Neil had picked out Andrew to stitch him up. The young man was full of dumb reasons.

Andrew waved a hand to make Matt follow him to an exam room with Neil.

“You’re doing it?” Matt asked. His jaw dropped and he ran a hand through his hair. “I mean great. Please do it quickly. I have no idea how much blood he already lost. Some freak outside stabbed him and he doesn’t even want to take his shirt of so we can put pressure on it.”

Another thing about Neil that didn’t add up. Andrew followed Boyd to one of the smaller examination rooms. He made Boyd wait when he went inside. The glass matte to keep from onlookers.

Neil looked up when Andrew walked in. Andrew’s face turning into a scowl. “You really had to be helpful today of all days?”

Andrew raised an eyebrow and got his supplies from the different drawers. Needles, thread, antiseptics, gauze. From the still spreading blood stain on his arm. He spread them out on the small table and leaned back on a stool. “I get paid to stitch you up.”

Neil remained silent. His eyes flitted to the door and back. Flighty little thing, wasn’t he? “I can stitch myself up.”

“Everyone here can stitch you up.” Not a lie. They all went to school for some form of medical programme. Andrew was certain that only a couple of the desk clerks didn’t know how to stitch up a simple wound or put a couple swallows on them until someone else came to close the wound. “I have a proposition for you. Either I let you stitch it up yourself, wait until you faint from blood loss then still do it myself and hook you up to an IV.”

Neil turned white. “Or? I only heard one option.”

“You let me stitch it up and you can be out of here in a couple of minutes with doctor patient confidentiality, of course.” Andrew crossed his arms. He missed his knives. Too bad they couldn’t go with him into surgery. He could just as well incapacitate Neil with a scalpel.

Neil stilled before taking a deep breath. “Okay.”

Neil took of his coat. He didn’t seem bothered that Andrew wasn’t helping. Andrew was almost certain that neither of them wanted to get close to the other right then. Neil with his reluctance to be helped and Andrew just not wanting to be touched after surgery when he could still feel the blood under his nails.

He had washed his hands right?Rubbed them raw under the streaming water. Top, bottom, between the fingers. Then with soap, top, bottom, between the fingers. Rinse again. Rub them in with beeswax or hand lotion. Take better care of yourself, Andrew. You’re useless if we’re both stuck in wheelchairs.

Andrew blinked twice before he rolled his chair closer to Neil. His skin was pale and sweaty. Not attractive. Not at all. Neil stayed quiet as Andrew numbed the skin and picked up the needle. He didn’t flinch when Andrew stuck it in. “Staring.”

Neil hummed but didn’t look away. He didn’t look at his arm either. He was lucky that the knife hadn’t gotten stuck in one of the bones.

“I didn’t think you would agree,” Neil mused. “Everyone is always saying that you stick to yourself. That you only got in because you know the shrink and stuff.”

“And you believe them.” He said it like a fact. He knew that was what others said about him. One of the nurses, Renee, told him about it during their sunday brunch.

“I like getting my information from the source.” Neil didn’t ask anything else. He kept quiet for a bit. “This is the first time I’m getting stitched up by someone who isn’t family.”

Andrew fought not to react and tied off the thread. His fingers tied the bandage without touching Neil’s skin again. Tight, but not too tight. See Aaron, I know how to tie a bandage.

Neil cocked his head a poked at the bandage. “You’re already done.”

“I don’t waste time.” He started cleaning the equipment and threw out the needle. “Keep it clean but don’t get the wound wet under the shower. If you have any questions, but I doubt the hospital would make hiring decisions that bad, you can ask one of the nurses on the third floor.”

“You work on the third floor?” Neil’s eyes widened. They were too blue to be true. Maybe someone had slipped something in Andrew’s drink and he was making this all up. Like he made up half of his teenage years before Aaron came into the pictures. All the good memories fell under that category.

“Kevin never told me that he works with you.”

“We don’t.” Neil stayed quiet. “We both have our own team. Kevin is the best neurosurgeon this hospital has. My office is on his floor but I work in transplants and amputations.”

“What if I’d come to your office for advice on how to clean this?”

“I get paid to humor everyone with an appointment.” Andrew was finished with cleaning. Why didn’t he leave? Why hadn’t Neil left already? He should be gone. Should go up in smoke. Gone. Out of Andrew’s sight. “Make one and you’ll see what happens. I’m leaving.”

Andrew didn’t look back when he left the room. He certainly didn’t think he should get Neil’s phone number. It’s not like he’d need it for anything. Not like he wanted to speak to Neil or any of his stupid colleagues again.

**

A surgery is a series of complex steps to make sure you don’t accidentally kill someone for a service they asked of you. In other terms: People ask you to consensually stab them in places where they’ll survive.

In this instance Andrew had been needed to do a liver transplant. The woman who got it was lucky. Some guy before her on the list had drunk alcohol. Stupid mistake. There’s only so many rules for a transplant and he messed up an obvious one.

The lady of the transplant hadn’t drunk even once in her life she said. Andrew had no reason to believe her but the blood test came out clean so it was good enough. Good enough for the hospital and good enough for Andrew to stab her in name of his brother. Minyard. How did he even get settled with such a stupid name? With a dumb twin and a dumber cousin who was sleeping in their guest room with his kid and husband from Germany.

Why was family important enough to come visit so far? Andrew wouldn’t do that.

He poked his mashed potatoes with a fork. The texture was wonkey. It wasn’t smooth like it should be and Nicky would be horrified at the bland taste. How unfair life could be to get paid so much but still have such lousy food. He doubted that prison food tasted better. Even with perfect recall, tastes were always difficult to remember.

Like that one piece of chocolate he filched of a younger foster sibling, or the cookies he hoarded before they would cut off his dinner. He deserved better. He might be an angry midget but everybody deserves food. It might be why going to med school in Aaron’s place wasn’t that bad. He already had the credits and Aaron was his motivation letter. This way he could save someone in the same way he had failed his brother.

Telling himself it was just a car accident was both a lie and the ugly truth. Andrew knew what tempered breaks looked like and that Aaron was never supposed to drive in his car. If the police hadn’t found the guy responsible, Andrew would’ve killed him with his bare hands. Nobody touches the people Andrew promises to protect. Except for that time.

The chair opposite of him made an awful screeching sound before Neil sat down. He had to grace to flinch. A steaming ceramic cup warmed his hands. The last remnant of winter had probably seeped in his clothes during his shift.

Why was Andrew thinking of this? It must be the blue eyes.

“I got an appointment,” Neil said. “During lunch hour because you have real appointments of course but I know you still get paid during breaks. Kevin told me.”

Kevin was a traitor. Andrew knew that already. Kevin always had to talk to other people and complain about Andrew. When he wasn’t complaining about Andrew, his apathy towards mistakes, and his poor social skills, he was complaining to Andrew about people. Now Andrew would feel bad for those people only he didn’t like those people and zoning Kevin out mid rant was part of his poor social skills. Now that he was looking at Neil he noticed some things. Neil was a short, flighty, redhead. Which was part of the description Kevin had given at the beginning of his rant. Some stupid red headed midget who always claimed the trackmill in the gym.

Andrew would ask if that’s how Neil knew Kevin. But that would imply Andrew was interested in it. He wasn’t. Not at all.

“I don’t think you have an appointment right now,” Andrew said. “For one, I’m eating and didn’t ask for you to be here.”

“I didn’t see anyone else sitting in this chair.” Neil grinned and ran his finger over the rim of his mug. A real mug with what seemed to be real hot chocolate, with milk, not water.

“The chair’s reserved for my doppelganger. Ask him if you see him.”

“There could never be two of you.”

“That’s just a lie. How did you graduate if you don’t know about twins, triplets, quadruplets, need I go on?”

Neil cocked his head and smiled. He ran his fingers over the rim of the mug again. “How hard must your parents have had it with two of your personality.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow. He watched the smile slip as Neil looked over his shoulder.

“I have to go.” He stood up. The mug still on the table. He hadn’t drunk from it even once. “Matt’s signaling.”

“You’re forgetting your drink.”

Neil looked back over his shoulder, that damn smile back. “I never liked hot chocolate. Consider it a thank you.”

Andrew’s fingers wound around the mug, lukewarm by now, to throw it at Neil’s head. He didn’t do it. Only because he needed this job. Needed the big sums of money to keep paying for Aaron’s care. For Katelyn and the wheelchair, the special shower, all the medication and physiotherapy.

He took a swallow as he didn’t watch Neil walk away. Didn’t watch his ass like he was back at Eden’s with his brother at his side and his cousin on the dance floor down below.

When were Nicky and Erik coming over again? He still had to hire somewhere to clean the house. Someone to pick up the cigarette buds and empty bottles. He never noticed if Katelyn threw them out or not. He didn’t like to spend time at home at all.

He should visit Bee again. See if she could figure out what was going on in his head. He wasn’t able to. Not now. Not when his life was catching up to him.

He would have to figure that out soon enough, but not when he was a mess. Not now. Not now.

**

Home was a mess. Everything was dirty and Andrew didn’t want to clean everything. Even if Nicky was coming that evening. Andrew and Aaron were going to pick them up in a couple of hours. He couldn’t believe he had taken two whole days off for Nicky. Aaron would be able to entertain him way better.

Aaron leaned forward out of his chair, almost sliding out. His fingers just touched the knight enough to scoot it a bit.

“Be careful,” Andrew snapped. “We should’ve sat at the kitchen table.” That way he wouldn’t have to pick his brother up from the floor.

“I told you, I like the view better here. It’s a great garden. Katelyn offered to plant some flowers. You know it being spring and all that.”

“Bulbs have to be planted in the winter. We wouldn’t have tulips if we had to wait for Katelyn to plant all of them.” He didn’t like Katelyn. Didn’t like how she pried in all the cupboards when he already told her where the meds were. How she insisted Andrew had to clean more because it was better for Aaron.

He didn’t need a stranger in his bathroom. It was his bathroom, his bedroom, his home, his brother. The only reason she was here was because Andrew was living Aaron’s dream. He could’ve been FBI or CIA or just a regular cop by now. He had studied for it in the first years of his college education.

Then came the car. Andrew became a surgeon and Aaron was bound to a desk at the newspaper two days a week. He was a better writer than he first thought, at least. Imagine all the threats they’d get over false news otherwise.

Aaron leaned forward again and this time actually managed to move the knight without knocking over the whole board.

“You’re setting yourself up to lose.” What was his brother doing? They had played together for years now. Aaron knew what a losing move looked like.

“If I can win from this position I want you to do me a favor.” Andrew looked over the rim of his reading glasses. Contacts were for work days, and the dates he couldn’t go on anymore.

“No,” he said. It couldn’t only be bad if Aaron was asking that of him. Maybe someone at his work asked him out out of pity. The guy that can’t walk, only has so many fingers. Must be fun to see if he can get it up, right? He wouldn’t allow for someone to use his brother like that.

“You didn’t even hear what I want to ask of you.” Aaron let his wheelchair bump into the table before he moved a piece.

“I said no. I won’t do you anymore favors.”

“When have you ever done me any favors?” Andrew could almost imagine his twin standing up. He always wanted to be taller when he got angry. It was why Andrew stayed seated in the low chair.

“The last time I did you a favor you got yourself hit by a car and destroyed mine, remember?”

Aaron visibly flinched and sunk down in his chair. “I wanted you to drive me to a restaurant, okay. Katelyn asked me to try out some icecream with her.”

“You want to go on a date?” Aaron nodded. Andrew folded his hands. He had to say no. He had to protect his brother. Protect him as if they were thirteen again and Andrew was the only thing between Aaron and his mother’s hands. Between Aaron and another hit. “If Nicky is still here by then you can get him to drive you.”

“Is that a yes?”

“You’re thirty-two. I’m not driving you.” He stood up. His hands itched for a whiskey he hadn’t drunk in years. They didn’t mix well with Aaron’s meds. He could almost taste the burn in his throat.

He grabbed water with ice instead. A second glass already in his hands filled with lemonade before he thought of it.

The stool felt warm and gross when he sat down again. Why didn’t chairs ever just feel neutral?

His fingers moved his queen in reach of Aaron’s knight. He knew he was setting himself up to lose also. Aaron gave him a look like he understood. He could never. He had never given up the last shreds of what he wanted for someone just because he made a promise. Aaron never kept his promises anyway.

It took ten more minutes before Andrew’s pager went off. Buzz, buzz. He reached for it in the same moment that Aaron got him checkmate. The queen was gone and Andrew had nowhere to go.

Emergency. Ambulance incoming in 20 minutes.

Aaron looked chagrined. “Hospital?”

“I could ask them to page Kevin.” Andrew took a sip from his drink.

“You could save someone’s life.”

“Or end it.”

Aaron gave his brother a cold look. “You’re going to save them. I’ll call Nicky to drive Erik and him over here or I’ll call Katelyn and she can take us to and from the airport. We both know she doesn’t have much other patients with the amount you pay her.”

“I wasn’t the one who said I couldn’t have more than three sports cars.” This didn’t improve Aaron’s look but Andrew’s mood went a bit up. Today was supposed to be their brother day after all and the surgery was messing it all up. “Call Katelyn. See if she still likes you after meeting Nicky.”

He pulled on his coat and closed the door before Aaron could reply. His brother was going to get his heart strings pulled. No big deal. It wasn’t like their agreement was still running. Aaron had broken it one to many times. And Bee said it was time to let things go. They were both thirty-two after all.

The Maserati wasn’t his normal work car but he needed to be there quick. The nurses and other surgeons on his team were probably already prepping the room. He still had to dress and clean. He was too slow.

His feet pressed on the peddle a bit more.

The doors slid open in front of him and he didn’t remember half of the trip there. That wasn’t a good sign. It was never a good sign when he was losing time like that. He should get it checked out. There probably was an explanation for and Bee wouldn’t put it in his report if he asked it during a friendly dinner.

The blue scrubs he wore were still clean. His head was still full. There was so much that could be happening at the moment. What if his patient had already died in the ambulance. Then he’d have left Aaron alone for no reason.

Andrew let someone pull on his gloves. It was long ago that he didn’t dare pull his arm guards off but they weren’t hygienic enough for a surgery. He had no choice. No choice but to almost flaunt all his scars to his team. He saw Renee in a corner. The blatant lie that she didn’t want to be a surgeon. He knew she’d had the training. He knew that she only became a nurse because she got more contact with people that way. It was why the boss was so reluctant to give her a raise, fucking Joan of Arc didn’t care for it. Stupid.

In the end a surgery was just as much the use of the right equipment and team. Andrew knew he had both.

It was a surprise for him when it turned out that he hadn’t known everything from the start. He knew it had been a car crash. Look out for internal bleeding, for ruptured organs, for anything. He hadn’t seen the blood at the start. It was a body, there was blood everywhere, always. Robin was good at suction and watching over abnormalities and he was glad Jack had been transferred to Kevin’s team.

There was more blood than planned. At the bottom under the liver there was a small gap. A rib had punctured it and nobody had told him. He’d have told them how low the chance of succeeding was if they had. Now he had to save the dickwad on his table because someone else forgot to tell him stuff.

No time to think. He had to act. To save the man.

He did. He did save the man. Barely. He wasn’t sure how much of the spine was messed up during the drive, the stretcher, the man handling and the surgery. He could’ve just messed up the man’s chance at walking. Not his fault. Not his fault. Not his fault. He told himself.

This is nothing like Aaron’s accident. He had no control over Aaron’s accident or surgery. Aaron was already done for before the medical team arrived on scene. It was a miracle his brother was still alive. If Andrew believed in miracles. He didn’t. Miracles were for the hopers and the hopeless. He was neither. Faith was a waste of his time and had never gotten him anywhere.

It had only gotten his hopes dashed. A very visual imprint of you don’t deserve this . He hated it.

**

The steps at the back door were cold. The only time they were warm was when your butt would melt into one of the steps themselves. At the moment they just turned Andrew into a popsicle. It wasn’t good for him to sit there. He might get a UTI or some other disease from the bacteria that lingered there. The bacteria that would seep into his lungs and might finally make an end to his misery. Long ago he had thought it was his time to go. The world hadn’t agreed with him. Instead they’d tried to take his brother away.

He hated the world and the people in it.

He pulled his last packet of cigarettes out of his backpack. The flame already leaving the smoke he so desperately needed in his lungs. Starting to smoke had been a mistake. A mistake from 13 year old Andrew. Now he had to live with it. He craved the ashes on his tongue as much as he craved control. Maybe becoming a surgeon hadn’t been so bad an idea. He now controlled life and death after all.

Who was he kidding? It was awful. He much preferred singling out murderers and criminals faster than any other in his class. Yet another thing taken away from him.

He blew out the smoke, watching it cloud his sight of the Maserati. The car bought from his first big paycheck. The others had all gone to Aaron. No. No more thoughts of Aaron. He let the smoke billow around him before inhaling again. Let the smoke fog up his mind and cloud his judgement.

His thoughts became fuzzy. He needed fresh air. Clean of the nicotine to keep him alive. Bee would tell him to breathe.

“You’re a smart man, Andrew. You could do everything you want. Yet you follow your brothers dreams.”

But Betsy was a fool. She didn’t know anything of Aaron. Mostly because Aaron didn’t want to talk to the psychiatrist. She also didn’t know of their little agreement to look out for each other and stick together. One that Andrew was slowly loosening up as he let Aaron go out for a single date. Okay, he did it because Nicky would be nagging too much otherwise but still. Andrew would put his brother in first place even if he only ever got second, or third, fourth on a bad day.

Stupid.

The door opened with a whoosh and slammed shut. Andrew glanced sideways to see Neil sit down on the steps a careful arms length away. He always seemed to do that. Staying a careful distance away. Hmm, what would Bee say about him? He should ask her during their next lunch. As far as Andrew knew Neil wasn’t a patient so Andrew should be able to ask her.

He blew out a big plume of smoke before locking his gaze on the Maserati. He could feel Neil staring, those big blue eyes burning. Andrew allowed himself one more sideways glance. Neil was sitting on his hands. Andrew was barely able to stop himself from wondering about those strong thighs. Damnit, maybe he shouldn’t have given up Roland those years ago. He could’ve gotten a decent fuckbuddy out of him.

“Staring,” Andrew said. He put the cigarette down. It didn’t taste good, nor did the one after that. He had three left in the package before he gave up. It wasn’t a good time for smoking anyway.

Neil hummed. “Looking at you is better than Matt’s face. He gets these big sad eyes every time I tell him I haven’t done something.” When Andrew didn’t react he went on. “Like ice skating, or to the cinema, taking pictures for your own apartment. I didn’t even have an apartment before this job.”

Andrew looked at Neil as he leaned over his knees. Neil’s hair lit up in the early evening sky. It made him look like a fire and Andrew was the one getting burned if he kept at this for any longer.

“My mother left my father when I was eight,” Neil continued his monologue, “both of them died before I was eighteen. Lived in England for a while. Got my drivers license. Lost it again. Got it again in America. I’m very determined to not lose it a second time. Maybe keep to the speed limits a bit better.”

Andrew snuck glances at him while he rattled on. They were small bits and pieces about Neil’s life and while they seemed logical it didn’t add up to the person he tried to be. The Neil who was friends with Boyd. To be friends with Boyd you had to either be a puppy or as close to it as a person could be, or a kicked one. He was beginning to think Neil was the latter.

“I’m thinking of a getting a pet,” Neil said. “Matt says I should get a dog. It could go on runs with but to be fair I don’t want it to chew up my couch.”

Neil caught Andrew’s eyes and smiled. Too sharp for a puppy. He grabbed Andrew’s cigarettes only to get the matches out. It sparked and the flame lit up his eyes. A strange blue, not yet grey but very light. Like a midsummer sky back in California. It made Andrew dislike him a bit more. That the sunset set Neil’s hair aflame did not help his case. It looked brighter than the fire of the matches. He looked more addicting than the nicotine. Neil would probably kill him faster.

Andrew squashed down the small bit of want that went with his thoughts.

“Would you like to come with me to the shelter?” Neil asked.

“No.”

“Okay. I’ll ask Dan. She’s a bunny person so at least I won’t end up with something like a snake. No good memories of those in Australia.” Neil scrunched his eyebrows. “Or maybe not. I should take Allison and get her to buy all the toys for me because I won’t be spoiling the pet enough.”

“A pet is a bad decision. They need attention and you work irregular shifts. We all do. You can’t care for others like that.”

“I could if I wanted to. Something like a cat doesn’t have to be taken out. Although you might be right with all the litter.” Neil leaned back on his hands and looked up to the sky. “My break is almost over. Can I leave you here or should I get someone to stay with you?”

“Need to get home. Cousin is staying over for the week.” Andrew huffed. “This was supposed to be my week off. They owe me a night.”

“If you’re not here who will stitch up my wounds?” Neil’s smile was almost as blinding as his hair or the shine in his too smart eyes. Andrew wanted to punch him. Hard. Right across those cheekbones.

Andrew didn’t get why Neil was still sitting on the cold steps. Why he hadn’t so much as blinked when the flame had reached his fingertips. He was an enigma. A problem. Something Andrew wanted to solve. Somehow he thought he might be better off not trying.

Neil had to stop being so interesting.

Only, his brother was going on dates now . Bee would say to give it a try. People aren’t distractions. They’re a support system if you give them the chance. But he did have a support system. Aaron, Renee, Bee and Nicky, even if Nicky knew just about nothing. He didn’t need a fifth person to come into his house and eat his ice cream.

His hands itched for another cigarette and before he could deny himself Neil was already holding one out.

“I know what it feels like to be addicted to something. For me it’s running, and sometimes that’s more dangerous than a pack of cigarettes.”

Andrew took it and ignored the shiver down his spine when Neil’s fingers touched his. He ignored the burn of two blue eyes. Ignored the questions for the redhead. Ignored it when Neil said bye and jogged to the ambulance.

He ignored all the strange crawling feelings in his stomach until he got home and got distracted by his cousin and brother who had been waiting up for him.

**

Nicky, Erik, and Aaron were sitting in the backyard when Andrew came home. Nicky grinned when he saw him. A glass of wine in his and Erik’s hands, an untouched one in Aaron’s. Alcohol didn’t go well with his medication.

Andrew bypassed his cousin to pluck the glass away from his brother and drank it dry. Maybe not the smartest move as he hadn’t drunk in months either. “No more wine for Aaron. We quit drinking years ago.”

We. We. As if they had grown up together. As if they had those weird twin coincidences like being allergic to the same food or being able to read each other's minds through osmosis. Aaron didn’t like his twin enough to allow for that much. Andrew had started to care too much over the years that he wanted it. Like he never wanted anything but to keep his brother safe.

Nicky moved from his chair to Erik’s lap. His fingers disappearing in blond hair. Curly, like Neil’s, only Neil was a wildfire and Erik was a firefighter. He’d squash down the easy wit that bordered on antagonism. Andrew couldn’t have one. His only two joys in the hospital were tea with Renee and Bee and watching Neil burn someone to the ground.

He had to stop this. Had to stop looking at Neil and thinking of Neil. Had to stop anything to do with Neil. Next time Andrew would let him bleed to death at his front door.

He sat down in the chair Nicky abandoned. The wicks poked his back. Aaron always forgot the pillows. Apparently Nicky didn’t even assume they had them. As if he hadn’t been the one to raise Andrew during his teenage years.

“How was work?” Erik asked. His voice was much lower than anyone else in the backyard. If he hadn’t had such a pretty face and Andrew hadn’t had years of therapy he would’ve punched Erik at the associations his voice brought up.

“Nobody died. I’m still employed. Kevin is still the jerk who gets paid more than I do. ‘Best surgeon in South Carolina,’ don’t make me laugh.”

Aaron’s lips quirked up and Nicky was beaming. It wasn’t often Andrew made a joke. At least not a joke that didn’t border on antagonism.

Erik tapped Nicky’s thighs before making them both stand up. “I’m happy you like your job, Andrew. It will lessen Nicky’s grey hairs. Can’t have Camilla not recognizing her dad.”

Camilla was their six year old. They had adopted her back in Germany and she was tolerable for a little kid, Andrew presumed. Totally terrified of the wheelchair one second and fascinated the next. Too bad she wasn’t able to come as she was the funnest of his relatives but it was only her second year in elementary so Erik’s mom was watching her.

The couple wished the twins a good night before retreating inside of the house. It was quiet for all but a minute before there was a loud crash and a scream - surprise and pain. Nicky came running outside, eyes wide.

“Erik broke his arm. The bone is poking out and all. And… shit, fuck, our health care doesn’t cover american hospitals! Oh my god.”We don’t have money for an ambulance or health care outside of Germany.”

Andrew heard Aaron calming down Nicky as he went inside the house. Erik was laying at the bottom of the stairs and Nicky had been right. That was a bone. But no way in hell was Andrew  calling an ambulance for a broken arm.

Andrew grunted. Hopefully the big lump didn’t have a concussion or any other unnecessary trauma, but there was a big chance that Andrew could help his cousin in law. He crouched and took the pen light out of his shirt pocket. It helped that he’d gone straight into the garden from work. It wasn’t like he normally changed into sweaters when he got home. He never knew when he would be called in again or if Katelyn was coming over.

“Look right, look up.” He gave a couple more orders and checked his neck and head before letting Erik sit up. Both Nicky and him said he hadn’t hit his head. Just a poor fall.

“We have to get you to the hospital to set your arm. I haven’t set one in a while but I know someone who does. I can ring her up.” He looked up at his cousin and brother. “I’m taking Erik. Can the two of you stay at home. Get some tea into Nicky. Erik and I will be back in an hour or two depending on Renee and the amount of available rooms.”

Nicky nodded and helped get his husband off the floor. Erik’s arm was put in a sling made out of two kitchen towels. They put him in the car and Nicky didn’t even threaten Andrew to bring his husband back safe or to not kill himself on the road. Maybe he finally started trusting Andrew some more. He definitely hadn’t finally gotten a brain.

Andrew dialled Renee during the car ride. He was steadily ignoring Erik’s stare and focusing on the road and on getting a room and personnel ready. If only someone on his own team was used to setting bones. But no, they were all stuck with the knowledge of how to cut open a living body and close it before it died.

Useless knowledge. For anyone that wasn’t a surgeon or encountering life threatening situations that is.

Renee met him at the door and let Erik straight into a room to get pictures taken. She was good at this. It was one of the reasons he befriended her at first. The second was that she was less stupid than his other colleagues. Renee came in with the pictures and started explaining the wound. Andrew saw Erik nodding, almost as if he was either going to fall asleep or faint. He pulled a chocolate bar from his pocket and handed it over without diverting his eyes from Renee. He absolutely did not see the grateful look when Erik ripped it open with his teeth.

She set the bone like it was her job. Which it was. In the end it only took her forty-five minutes for everything and send them off with an order for Andrew to buy him a coffee.

They sat down at one of the tables with gross, steaming cups. Erik was texting Nicky the news. There was probably some other stuff in there that Andrew didn’t want to know. He’d had enough of their sex life during their college years. Phone sex was not something you wanted to witness. Especially not when it’s your cousin.

Andrew felt eyes burning into him. From two sides. One was Erik who was trying to talk to him. Even if Andrew was close to passing out from a tough work day and having to drive his cousin back to said work. The other pair of eyes were from Neil. He was looking almost thoughtful and started coming over.

Andrew almost started believing in Nicky’s god just so he could pray for Neil to stay away.

Of course it didn’t work. Neil stopped next to the table and smiled. Andrew had seen that smile. Had almost walked into a wall because of it. Still he hadn’t had it turned on him ever before. He would’ve fallen out of his chair if he wasn’t Andrew Joseph Minyard.

“Hey, Andrew. I thought you’d gone home.” He bit the inside of his cheek. Andrew did not notice that. At all.

“To your boyfriend,” Neil added hastily.

Erik started laughing spitting his coffee back in the cup to keep from choking on it. Andrew just grimaced. That was gross. He had to admit Nicky didn’t have a bad taste in man but the thought of dating Erik left a bad taste in his mouth.

“I live with my brother. My cousin and his husband came to visit from Germany. This is his husband.”

“Guten Abend, Andrews Cousins Ehemann. Wie geht’s Ihnen?” Neil adressed Erik in fluent German.

Erik responded back in German. A lesser man than Andrew would’ve been shocked out of his mind. He never would’ve thought that Neil could speak German. Especially that well. The only reason Andrew could were because of Erik, Nicky and Camilla. He didn’t expect the little girl to speak English after all. He’d rather her learn Spanish anyway. Even if Nicky’s Mexican mom was a bitch she was less so than her husband, so her language should come first in her repertoire.

Andrew drank the last sledges of coffee before cutting into the conversation. “Nicky will start bothering me if I don’t get you back soon.”

He stood up and pulled on his black coat. Neil’s eyes didn’t so much as roam his body as train his eyes on Andrew’s face. Especially his mouth and his own eyes.

“You owe me a cigarette,” Andrew simply said before dragging his cousin in law out. He didn’t miss the quirk on Neil lips nor the one on Erik’s. He also pointedly ignored Erik’s questions about Neil and how much they saw each other. If they worked in the same department. He didn’t say anything.

At the end of the ride Erik had stopped asking and Andrew had started thinking that Neil might be more than just an itch he’d wanted to scratch. Neil was more interesting than Andrew had expected and he didn’t like that thought.

**

Nicky and Erik were almost set to go home. It’d been a little over a week already since Andrew had seen Neil in the hospital that night. They’d smoked behind the building on some days when their breaks coincided but Neil hadn’t said anything about the German. Andrew knew he wouldn’t. Not until Andrew asked and he wouldn’t. Neil had the right to his secrets. The same right Andrew had to his own.

Nicky was trying to get Aaron to wear a suit instead of the T-shirt. Erik was trying to get Andrew to borrow Aaron the car. Andrew was trying to ignore them.

He didn’t lend out his car to anyone. They only got to ride in it as a passenger. It was the only way he could make sure there weren’t more accidents.

More people like Aaron.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and send a single text.

“Come on, Andrew. Aaron hasn’t had a date in years. It’s only one night that he needs it,” Erik said.

Andrew felt the phone buzz and checked the screen. “I can’t lend Aaron the car. I need the car.”

He stood up and began towards the stairs. “Why do you need the car? You were staying home.”

Erik almost followed him up the stairs and Andrew saw Nicky leaning over the balustrade upstairs.

“I’m meeting a friend.” His face blank. Andrew kept walking up the stairs. He made to swerve around Nicky, it wouldn’t do him well to throw his cousin off the stairs, but Nicky stayed in his path.

“Just a friend?” Nicky asked.

“Is it pretty hospital guy?” Erik followed up. Oh, those two were made for each other alright. Both annoying.

Andrew didn’t answer and went into his room.

Neil probably wouldn’t understand that this was technically a date. Andrew had send him a time and an address with a show up if you want to. A bit ominous but quite Andrew.

He pulled on his normal clothes. Things like his black turtleneck and skinny jeans, his combat boots should be somewhere in the back of the closet. Behind the box of all the old study books he didn’t have to read anymore. They were clothes that he couldn’t wear to work. The clothes he felt most comfortable in.

He almost didn’t bother with his hair. Neil probably wouldn’t notice the effort anyway. Still he did it. He wanted to impress Neil for the not-date. O god. Neil didn’t know it was a date. If the guy was as oblivious as Kevin always implied he might even show up in track pants. Well, here’s for hoping. It wasn’t like Andrew couldn’t leave him in the restaurant if he showed up like a hobo.

He walked down the stairs. Passed his brother, straightened Aaron’s ugly blue tie, and let Nicky pat him on the shoulder. It was a step up from the hugging. Not great, but okay.

The doors shut behind him. Knowing he was coming back there to his brother and cousin was the only reason he didn’t freak out at the change. It had been them, the two of them, for so long- He didn’t know if he liked adding people to the mix. Although he had to admit that Erik hadn’t been that bad of an addition.

Maybe Katelyn wouldn’t be an atrocity either. Neil would probably be awful if he finally figured out it was a date. Maybe Andrew should tell him. Yes, he should. He would. That’s right. Just when Neil arrived, to clear the air between them.

Andrew did not get a chance to broach that topic. He was already sat at one of the tables in the too fancy restaurant when Neil walked in. He was wearing skinny jeans, for god’s sake, and a long sleeved shirt that showed his muscles off too well.

Neil sat down opposite to Andrew and immediately took a sip of the champagne. “Matt said this is a date.”

He took another sip and swooshed it around in his mouth. “That you’ve been eyeing me for a while and I was oblivious.”

“Did he also make you wear those jeans?”

“He did,” Neil smiled, “do you like them?”

“They’re less terrible than your usual attire.”

Neil smiled again. A big, toothy grin that took Andrew’s breath away like a stolen cigarette. Neil put his glass aside and grabbed his menu. “Oh, they haveEscargots, one thing I never want to eat again.”

“Jean from oncology said they are better in France anyway.”

Neil hummed. He closed the menu and tapped his long fingers on top of it. “Tried them there. Didn’t like them. The texture just isn’t for me. I think I’m going with hare steak. Have you ever tried that?”

Andrew shook his head. He picked out his own dish and closed the card. “My cousin made me promise to never eat bunnies. I don’t go back on my promises.”

Andrew looked down at the embossed letter on the menu to avoid Neil’s face.

“You never answered my question,” Neil said.

“You didn’t ask one.” Andrew raised a single eyebrow.

“Is this a date?”

“Yes or no, Neil?” Andrew finally looked up. He found the blue and thought of the hottest part of a flame. Looked at Neil and thought of all the secrets shared on dirty hospital steps. He hoped for an answer and wished Neil would say no. Andrew had been a danger to everyone for years. He didn’t deserve someone like Neil. Someone who gave those secrets away like they were loose change and Andrew was a beggar.

He’d promised himself to never beg again but he thought that he might cave a single please to never find his brother in a hospital bed again.

“Yes, Andrew. I want to be on this date with you.”

Andrew nodded. His eyes back to the embossed letters and his fingers tracing the curves until Neil’s hand came into sight. Close but not touching.

When Andrew looked up the waiter was waiting for his order. “The salmon.”

Neil smiled like he had known what Andrew was going to say before the words had even left his mouth. Andrew didn’t know if he liked it.

Conversation with Neil wasn’t like anything Andrew had with anyone else. It was wild and quiet and outrages and calming and so many different things. Sometimes it was completely silent but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Neither had realized just how used to each other they had become with all those hours.

Hours Andrew got the evil eye for when he got home late for Aaron. He realised they those hours had been worth it. Having conversations with someone who treated him like just another human were worth it.

Someone other than Bee or Renee. Someone he could actually like over time.

If he’d ask the ladies they’d say this was good. In all honesty, and Andrew despised lying, he was terrified. Limiting Aaron’s sexual and romantic endeavours had also meant staying on his own himself. He couldn’t feel sorry for that but he was glad he could feel the fear after all those years.

Was glad to have Neil sitting at the table with him when they already trusted each other.

And if Andrew fantasized that night about Neil’s lips on his he wouldn’t tell anyone himself.

**

Andrew crossed his legs. He counted to sixty before uncrossing them. Nicky was supposed to be here already. Andrew had forgotten the burritos at home and Nicky had sworn he’d bring them. Andrew had forgotten that Nicky was always late.

Finally the doors opened to let Nicky in. His dark skin looked sickish in the hospital light. Then again who didn’t look ill in a hospital? Maybe Andrew because his completion was already as pale as that stupid Edward Cullen guy.

Nicky didn’t just hand over the burritos and left. He just asked if they were allowed to eat where they sat and started unpacking his bag. He pulled out drinks and food and sauce and-

“Nicky, you said you were bringing a single burrito.” Andrew raised an eyebrow.

“I’m bringing lunch. I’m leaving soon and I’ve barely seen you because of your work. Which great, you’re saving people. I even saw the girl that patched Erik up outside. She said you have a picture of us and our little girl.”

“She’s lying,” Andrew deadpanned. “Renee doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

Nicky started arguing but fell silent. “Is that redhead who I think it is?”

Andrew turned around to stare in the same direction. Neil’s hair was almost brown under the hospital lights but the smile on his face made him light up from within. They stared for a minute. Neil’s laughter echoing through the hall.

  His head turned and his eyes fell on Andrew, than on Nicky. His soft smile spread across his face as he waved and started walking over. Andrew wouldn’t have minded it if Nicky hadn’t been sitting next to him. Nicky had in no way brought enough burritos for all three of them.

“Is this the husband of mr. My Cousins Husband?” Neil said. He was just standing there. Right next to him. His hair a mess of auburn curls and his hands hung loose by his side. He looked great, even in uniform. That might even help.

“What are you doing here?”

“I asked first.” Neil smirked and extended a hand. “I’m Neil.”

“You are the date!” Nicky’s grin took up his whole face. “I’m Nicky, grumpy’s cousin. I hear you’ve met my husband.”

Neil nodded. He pulled his hand back a little too quick. Nicky probably didn’t notice. Andrew noticed everything.

“Join us for lunch?” Nicky looked a bit too hopeful but Andrew already knew Neil had to get back to work in a couple of minutes.

“Only if this counts as our second date, or should I just text you an address for tonight?” He was pretty sure that if he lifted his eyebrow any higher they’d disappear in his hair.

“Tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Text me the address and get back to work.”

Neil’s smile was sharp and shark like but Andrew thought he liked it. Nicky certainly did. Andrew didn’t feel sorry when he kicked his cousin over it.

**

Andrew was waiting in his car. Neil said he’d get there in about ten minutes. Apparently the loser didn’t have a car. He should’ve mentioned it. Andrew would’ve picked him up. Too late for that now. He said Boyd was bringing him. Nicky had said they sounded like high schoolers. Andrew as the cool guy in his car and Neil being brought by his unofficial dad.

His phone rang and the vibrations made an annoying sound in the cup holder. Or phone holder, as Andrew used it. “Minyard.”

“Andrew,” Renee said. “We need you to get here for an emergency, all the other surgeons are unavailable.”

He turned his key in the ignition and drove off. Neil would understand.

“Tell me who and what,” he ordered.

“Young man, no allergies or prior surgeries. There was nothing wrong with him but well-”

“Spill it, Renee.”

“It’s Neil Josten. Matt was driving him to a date and they got into a crash. Matt was fine but someone drove into Neil’s side of the car. There’s some glass shards in his upper body and we’re afraid he might have a collapsed lung.”

Neil. It was Neil. Neil who was supposed to be arriving at that same restaurant in three minutes.

Andrew tried not to think about the similarities between his brother and his date. Tried not to think that Neil might already be dead before he even arrived at the hospital.

Andrew had never gotten to the hospital that fast.

Getting ready for surgery was a blur and it might not be the safest thing to let him operate half in shock. It wasn’t like they had any other choice. Kevin and the other surgeons were all busy or out of the country or too far away to be able to save him.

There were scalpels and blood and flat lungs and almost flat liners and glass on its way to Neil’s heart to stop it before Andrew could save the one person willing to date him. The one person he was willing to date.

Neil had always respected his boundaries and now Andrew was breaking all of his to save Neil’s live. It was worth it. Even if Neil would hate him for putting him on display, at least he’d be alive because if there was one thing Andrew was good at it was saving life. Stitching skin to keep someone from bleeding out and dying on his table.

The surgery took too long and too short and Renee pumped sugary drinks and food into him when it was done to try and get him out of the minor shock. He was a mess and he knew it but he didn’t talk. Couldn’t say anything. Not to Renee, not to Bee, not to his brother and cousin when they came by in the hospital room to see if Neil was doing any better.

Only there were no signs he was getting better. Yes, his wounds were closing, but Neil was still asleep. His right arm and leg still broken and his mind dormant. Andrew hated it every time he set foot in that stupid room.

His reprieve was work. Work and Aaron. His brother who saw Andrew much the same as he had been years ago. His brother who must see that this was no different than when Aaron lay there much the same way.

A car accident. A couple broken bones. A heart so close to stopping that Andrew was willing to give his own. He wouldn’t die to save Neil but the feeling came close enough.

It took a week for Neil to wake up. Andrew was sitting next to his bed, his head propped on his arm as he read.

“Andrew,” a soft voice croaked. Andrew quickly set down his book and moved the glass of water with a straw to Neil’s mouth.

“Spare your voice. You’ve been out for a week. You could’ve just told me if you didn’t want to go on a second date.”

Neil almost missed the quirk of his lips when he said that. It was a sad one.

“I did. Fucker in the other car ran through red. Must’ve.”

Neil was right. Andrew didn’t want to know how he could still remember that.

“Take a nap, Neil. You need to rest.” Neil nodded but moved his hand to grab Andrew’s. “Stay, yes or no?”

“It’s always yes with you,” Neil said before passing out again.

Andrew turned to his book. His heart started beating again. A shade so dark it was almost black. Rotten from years of neglect and disuse. Years in which he was denied love and care. A heart so dark he thought nobody would see through but his friends had grabbed candles and flashlights and decided they would be his light until he found his own. Now there was enough light. Not a lot but enough. Light for his family, for Bee and Renee and now for Neil. Because Neil wanted him to stay. For however long that was Andrew would take it. He would stay for Neil.

[surveysonfleek]

626.

do you ever wish you could just go to sleep & never wake up? no. i’m more satisfied with being able to sleep and not having an alarm to wake me up the next day.

do you want to have any children? if so, how many? i do eventually whenever i’m ready. maybe two depending on how pregnancy treats me.

how many piercings have you had in your life all together? six.

how many do you have now? four.

do you have a problem with bisexual, gay, or bicurious people? no.

do you use hearts like this <3 a lot? i used to when i was younger. not anymore.

what were you doing at 12am? working.

do you like where you live? it’s okay. a bit far from places but i like the general area.

how’s your sister? she’s good. probably sleeping.

is anyone over protective of you? not really.

have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? they punched the wall and broke their ego lmao.

what color is your toothbrush? white and orange.

is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around now? of course. hasn’t everyone had friends/family/partners that you drift apart with?

what do you do when you’re having a bad day? sleep it off. or do surveys.

where is your mother right now? sleeping in her room.

when was the last time you cried really hard? probably some time this year.

let’s test your memory, what were you doing at this exact moment a year ago? i actually have no idea.

do you smoke weed everyday? no.

if the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose? autumn.

have you ever liked someone older than you? yes.

who was the last person to call you? my boyfriend.

are you multi-tasking right now? nope.

what is the most irritating thing? people.

are you a patient person? not really.

do you ever listen to country music? nope.

do you get mad when people smoke around you? no, only if they blow smoke directly in my face.

did you lie on any of these questions so far? nope.

do you remember who you liked in january? yes.

is life good or bad? mostly good, could be better though.

are you the oldest child? yes.

what was the last thing you said to someone? bye.

are you happy? yeah i guess.

ever been told someone loved you? yes.

who was your last missed call? my boyfriend.

do you like cold and rainy days, or warm and sunny? cold and rainy only if i’m staying home.

are you nervous about anything? i usually am but i’m okay right now.

are you happier now, or three months ago? same.

what’s your current mood? tired.

what color are your eyes? brown.

do you and your mother have a good relationship? yes.

do you know anyone with literally no common sense? yep lol.

have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing? yes.

honestly and don’t lie hows your heart these days? it’s okay. good and bad days.

do you miss anyone right now? yeah.

have you ever had a summer romance? yeah but it lasted more than a summer.

looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now? nope.

do you remember who you had feelings for december 2009? yes haha.

is a best friend pissing you off right now? no.

what woke you up this morning? nothing. just felt like i had enough sleep.

do you have a brother? nope.

are you sad right now? no.

do you like winter time? yes, i love it.

are you going to get hurt by a guy anytime soon? i hope not.

was it a boy or a girl to text you first today? boy.

what are you listening to right now? nothing.

when was the last time you wanted to slap someone in their face? never.

are you scared of spiders? not super scared, just cautious. i’m scared of the huge ones though.

do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? not really.

do you have siblings over the age of 21? no.

honestly, who were the last six people you texted? omg i cannot be bothered to check rn.

has a boy ever stayed up with you all night? yes.

when’s the last time you cried yourself to sleep? i don’t think i’ve ever literally done that.

do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings? not usually.

do you believe in divorce? yes.

do you think you’re old? yes.

are you a jealous person? not anymore.

where have you lived throughout your life? in sydney.

what’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? coming home from work.

has anyone said they love you in the last week? yes.

would you rather visit australia, germany, croatia or jamaica? croatia or jamaica, never been to either.

when was the last time you saw your dad? on the weekend.

if your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care? it depends how often tbh.

have you ever camped out with a significant other? no.

what keeps you awake at night? idk. my body clock.

how many times have you stayed in a hotel? way too many times to count.

what does your third text message say? who is it from? idk.

plans for tomorrow? work.

honestly, what’s on your mind right now? nothing. friday i guess.

other than a person, what was the last thing you cuddled with? a pillow.

where was the last place you got completely wasted? i forgot.

do you need/want new clothes? yes. always.

what did you eat for lunch today? cake lol.

how would you feel about traveling abroad alone? i wouldn’t do it unless i’m meeting up with a friend after a couple of days.

what was the last thing you watched on tv? i forgot.

when is the last time you wore a dress? a couple days ago.

do you prefer hot, humid weather or bone-chilling cold weather? cold.

last person you yelled at? idk.

have you ever watched one tree hill? yes, i used to be obsessed with it.

who did you last have an alcoholic drink with? friends.

are you afraid of falling in love? no.

what color eyes does your cat have? no cat. what is the drinking age where you live? 18.

do you lead people on? no.

how do you feel about your hair right now? it’s bad but it’ll do. i’m too lazy to wash it.

do you ever actually make your bed? only when friends come over lol.

do you have a nickname? yes, a lot.

have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die? no.

who did you last say i love you to? my boyfriend.

when is your birthday? 5th dec.

is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now? no.

do i ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? yes.

when did you last hold hands with someone? yesterday.

can you touch your nose with your tongue? no.

stalked someone on a social network? haha duh.

are you afraid of the dark? only if i’m somewhere i’m not familiar with.

have you ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? no.

have you ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? no.

whats currently bothering you right now? work.

what are you currently hearing? nothing.

are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl? no.

who was the last person you got in an argument with? my boyfriend.

who is your number one on facebook? idk?

have you ever gotten a sunburn so bad it hurt to move? yes.

have you ever driven without a license? unintentionally.

are you wearing shorts? nope.

do you straighten your hair often? weekly, sometimes not at all.

have you ever been to jail? nope.

how many people of the opposite sex have made you cry? maybe three.

last non-alcoholic beverage consumed? water.

when was the last time you were annoyed? idk not long ago.

how many windows are open on your computer? three.

is there someone you don’t ever want to lose in your life? yes.

where did you get the shirt you are wearing? my mum got it for me from overseas.

have you ever had a surprise birthday party? no.

how did you get your last bruise? i don’t remember the last time i got one.

who is in your house right now? my, my sis and mum.

when is the last time you ate pizza? three days ago.

what is the last movie you saw in a theater? fantastic beasts. officially a year ago lol.

do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to? yes.

do you sleep on your stomach? yes.

are you wearing a sports shirt? no.

are you happy with what you currently have in life? mostly yeah.

what happened at 10:00 am? hmmm idk.

do you drink coffee? not usually.

if you were given the chance to go to paris, would you go? yes.

would you eat a live tarantula for $1,000? i’d consider it.

do you know anyone who has been arrested? no.

what are you excited for? christmas.

are you more feminine or masculine? fem. are you tall or short? more on the shorter side. have you ever gotten your nails professionally painted? yes. what gender do you prefer? male.

could you forgive a cheater? idk. is lying about something serious as bad as cheating? they’re pretty damn equal.

[rollertoasteroflife]

These Things Are Fun Lets Give It a Go

Tagged by @katyaton heyyyyyyy!

RULES: answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions. (…yeah I don’t know that many people...)

tagging: @deaded123 @showmethestarlight and if anyone that follows me wants to please do but you two are the only ones that actually reply to these things and I can’t be arsed to go through all of my followers when no one does them anyway :D

1.      coke or pepsi: coke definitely

2.      disney or dreamworks:  oh god ummm i love disney cos that was my childhood but dreamworks have done some truly amazing films and they gave me how to train your dragon which i love far more than is probably normal...

3.      coffee or tea: *whispers* both definitely both...I drink so much coffee and tea and currently green tea I’m probably 70% hot beverage at this point

4.      books or movies: ah fuck. um I have to say finding a favourite book feels so much better than a favourite film but like I literally work in the film industry so I honestly love them too but yeah imma have to say books (that was really difficult D:)

5.      windows or mac: windows cos it’s what i know

6.      dc or marvel: um I’ve seen more marvel so I’ll say marvel but I’m not particular opinionated on the matter

7.      xbox or playstation: I am abysmal at playing games so again not really my question. however i have finally worked out how to use my housemates xbox as a dvd player so woo

8.      dragon age or mass effect: I don’t play them

9.      night owl or early riser: Permanently tired pigeon here but more of a night owl.

10.  cards or chess: Oh god um  actually can’t choose because i grew up playing card games and i really love them but i have a massive sentimental personal thing about chess so yeah i can’t choose here

11.  chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate what am I? dumb?!

12.  vans or converse: Converse 

13.  lavellan, trevelyan, cadash, or adaar: I do not understand

14.  fluff or angst: um in like fic reading or my life?? because my favourite fan fics are often angsty ones but I get wayyyyyyyyyy too emotional about them and yet still tend to read them over fluffy ones. Yet in actual life my life has enough problems please cover me fluffy things i’m tired

15.  beach or forest: beach because there’s sea but i fucking love forests so much!!

16.  dogs or cats: Cats!! but puppers are great too!!!

17.  clear skies or rain: Fucking rain I love rain!!

18.  cooking or eating out: I really like cooking it’s what I resort to when I’m having issues with life not working out.

19. Spicy food or mild food: I don’t like massively spicy food but I will fight you over bland food so like somewhere between the two??

20.  halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: I only really started doing halloween like a couple of years ago but i do enjoy it (woo for fancy dress) but i do really love christmas!

21.  would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: cold definitely i hate the heat. It was 15 degrees c today (59 fahrenheit thanks google) and i was dying and complaining most of the day

22.  if you could have a superpower, what would it be: Shapeshifting!!!! 

23.  animation or live action: Again with the whole job thing, live action but i love animated films too!!

24.  paragon or renegade: eh?

25.  baths or showers: i shower more often but my house doesn’t have a bath and i really miss it. also currently with my leg injuries i would love a bath because they ache so bad D:  

26.  team cap or team ironman:  umm i don’t know?? I’m not gonna choose sorry

27.  fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy but scifi is awesome!

28. do you have three or four  favourite quotes? if so what are they: Presume not that I am the thing I was - Shakespeare Henry V

The planets and heavens will move for you. - this is a quote from a poem @deaded123/ @breathingtheworldinwords wrote for me which is my favourite poem

I am constantly coming across quotes i want ot remember but i never write them down so yeah...

29.  youtube or netflix: netflix

30.  harry potter or percy jackson: Harry potter but am currently working my way through the percy jacksons series which i do enjoy and rick riordan is an awesome human!

31.  when you feel accomplished: when i remember how far i’ve come from what i was and how hard i’ve fought to be where i am now. Also I once forgot what happened in a battle on an history exam so proceeded to talk about the battle of helms deep and cut the orcs and elves. I got 100% on that paper. ;)

32.  star wars or star trek: star wars......it was my childhood and i love it so much

33.  paperback books or hardback books: i do love me a good hardback but my paperbacks have kept me company for a long time

34. horror or rom-com: ummm i’m not great at horror but it depends so i’d probs watch the rom com and just be cynically sarcastic throughout...(the fact that i enjoy rom coms when i’m not great and actual romance annoys myself)

35.  to live in a world without literature or music: that is just mean :P but i’d have to chose literature as my life is based around stories

36.  pastel colours or dark colours: dark definitely!! other people look aweosme in pastels but i don’t like wearing them and honeslty just feel kind of suspicious of them as a colour group (i have no idea why i have such storng opinions on pastels or why i am suspicious...)

37.  tv shows or movies: Tv shows as you go through so much more. Also it suits my attention span better

38.  city or countryside: can i have like a town?? i love the countryside but i also need to be around other people or i get very morbid

39.  if any other zodiac sign could describe you, what would it be: i don’t understand??i’m a leo and honeslty haven’t looked at the others enough to know the traits!

40.  if you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life what would it be: i would currently choose one of sia’s albums as just yes

41.  cinema or theatre: cinema because i love films but i do enjoy theatre

42.  if you could be any fictional character’s best friend, who’d you be: hmmmmmmmm i honeslty don’t know as my favs are people like me but being around someone like me as a best friend is kind of an odd thought...pass?

43.  smiling or smirking: smiling to me means just being free and comfortable to be happy and smirking in my mind is the silly little in jokes that tyou have with friends in the middle of a conversation or when you’ve thought of something inappropriately funny both of which i do a lot.

44.  are you an ‘all or nothing’ type or are you more consistent: all or nothing probably

45.  playlists or your whole library on shuffle: shuffle because i’m too lazy to make playlists

46.  travelling or staying at home: Travelling,but i like to have a base somewhere. but yeah i get bored of places easily and am not attached to anywhere as a ‘home’ as a concept i’ve never really got that feeling about anywhere? um it’s hard to explain so i’m just gonna stop cos i don’t know what my point is

47.  books or fanfiction: both are literature and they’re both stories and i fucking love stories in all forms! right now i’m reading more fanfiction because when i need to work lets get lost in emotions about fictional characters right?! but seriously i have a bunch of favourite fanfics which i keep rereading and most are novel length so like not much of  a difference!

48.  If you could live in a fantasy world, what world would it be: the chronicles of ixia world probably but like god there are so many that i’d want to be in!!

49. your favorite cartoon: um i don’t really watch that many cartoons... cacn i claim the Dragons tv series that accompanies httyd? it’s animated......

50.  name the weirdest five songs on your itunes, current or past: um ok so i have a bit of  a weird thing about my music in that i don’t like talking about it too much...i’m getting better but yeah i don’t want to answer this :)

51. mountains or plains: Mountains!!!!!!! they give me liiiiiiiiiife

52. favorite anime (or tv show if you don’t watch anime): Yuri on ice is the first anime i’ve watched and honeslty have fallen in love with it and it has ruined my world right now (it’s what my anxieties are currently directed out instead of at my work which i’m cool with) and the only other one i’ve seen is ouran high school host club which i actually watched half of yesterday whilst working as a friend loves it, it’s amusing :)

53. which social media platform are you most like yourself on: err i don’t really do social media much. i have facebook to talk to uni people, a couple of group chats with home people and it’s the only contact i have with my dad’s side of the fam as most don’t live in england but i don’t actually post anything except about work i’ve got donea dn funny photos of my friends. obvs i have tumblr which i overshare about myself way too much but this is probs a very accurate summary of my shit sense of humour, tv shows, and everything else in my head! though i do sometimes get concerned about my oversharing on here cos y’know internet safetyand all D: oh i have snapchat too but i mainly use it to talk to 2 friends one is in germany so i can’t ring her like i used to and the other we pretty much just send each other selfies with a lot of heart emojis! i’ve been debating getting instagram but haven’t decided yet...

54. What are some of your passions:anyone that knows me or reads my frequent oversharing will know i work in costume stuff so yeah i can literally talk about costuming and historic fashions for days and not get bored so yeha don’t ask about that unless you ready to learn!! ;) um i’m also an archery instructor, really love drawing, and just yeah the various tv, film and book obsessions that i go through (currently it’s yoi but i do try and keep my obsession from fully taking ove rthis blog-80% of it is still my shit sense of humour

55. Favourite food: I will fight everyone to get a proper roast dinner with yorkshire puddings and also chocolate.....and pomegranates.....and sugar snap peas......

This was fun!!!

[surveysonfleek]

546.

A! What is your AGE? 26. Have you ever been to ALASKA? nope. Do you want to go to AFRICA? i’ve been before but not to the mainland. What is one of your biggest ACCOMPLISHMENTS? getting a degree. When if ever was the last time you were on an AIRPLANE? back in april this year.

Have you ever eaten ARUGULA? yes. What is your favorite ANIMATED movie? aladdin, mulan and the lion king. Do you have any famous ANCESTORS?  nope.

Have you ever seen an ALLIGATOR? yes. Have you ever sprained your ANKLE? i feel like i have. When was the last time you had a doctor APPOINTMENT? i never really make an appointment, i just show up. Do you enjoy doing ART? sure but it depends on the subject matter. Have you ever gotten a celebrity's AUTOGRAPH? yes. Who is your favorite AUTHOR? jk rowling. Have you ever AUDITIONED for anything? no. Are you interested in ASTRONOMY? hmm not so much hey. Do/did you have good ATTENDANCE in school? yes. B! When is your BIRTHDAY? dec 5. What color is your BACKPACK? black. Have you ever done BALLET? nope. Do you know anyone who's expecting a BABY soon? yes, two people from work. Do you have BARBECUES in the summer? yeah sometimes. Does your house have a BASEMENT? nope. Do you enjoy going to the BEACH? hmmm sometimes. not usually tbh. What is your favorite BOOK? the harry potter series. What time do you usually go to BED? usually 3am. What did you eat for BREAKFAST? nothing. Do you know anyone who is BLIND? no. Are you wearing anything that's the color BLUE? nope. Do you know what BOOMWHACKERS are? nope. Have you ever been BLUEBERRY picking? no. Are you wearing a BRACELET? yes. Do you like the song BRIDGE Over Troubled Water? it’s okay. Have you ever slept in a BUNK BED? yes. C! Do you have a CAT? no, i’m not a fan. Do you drink COFFEE? not often. How much CASH is in your wallet right now? nothing, i hate carrying cash. Do you like COUSCOUS? eh, it’s okay. i don’t like nor hate it. How about CHEESECAKE? i prefer mudcake. What kind of CAR do you have? a suzuki alto. What is your favorite kind of COOKIE? any with a soft centre. Have you ever been in a CHOIR? no. Do you enjoy riding CAROUSELS? i’ll only go on it if it’s a short line. Are you sitting in a CHAIR? no, i’m in bed lol. Do you go to CHURCH? nope. What is/was your favorite CLASS in school? visual arts. Do you like COLORING books? depends on the images, but yeah.

Who is your favorite COMPOSER? i don’t have one. Do you like COWS? haha no. What was your favorite Halloween COSTUME? wednesday addams. D! Do you like DUCKS? not really. i don’t hate them though. What is your favorite breed of DOG? corgis. What would you name your DAUGHTER? no idea yet but i’ve loved the name sierra for the longest time. What is today's DATE? nov 16. Are you good at DANCING? not at all. Do you have DECORATIONS on your bedroom walls? nope. just a huge corkboard. When was the last time you saw your DAD? nearly two weeks ago. Have you seen the musical DEAR Evan Hansen? nope. Have you ever seen a DEER in your yard? no, that’d be a shock. Do you own any DIAMOND jewelry? yes. Do you like DOCUMENTARY films? generally yes, depends on the subject. Does your house have a DECK? nope. What's your favorite thing to eat for DINNER? it depends on my mood. How about for DESSERT? usually something warm like waffles, pie etc. Have you ever lived in a DORM? no. What's the last DREAM you remember having? i forgot. E! How do you like your EGGS? scrambled. Are your EARS pierced? yes. Have you ever seen an ECLIPSE? no :( next time! What is an activity you ENJOY? sleeping. Is your favorite animal an ELEPHANT? nope. When is the last time you rode in an ELEVATOR?: ummm. tuesday. Do you know anyone named ELIZABETH? yes, a supervisor at work. Do you believe that everyone should have EQUAL rights?  yes.

Have you ever been in an EARTHQUAKE? i don’t think so. Are you EXCITED about anything? i’m excited to eat. i’m starving. Do you get a lot of EXERCISE? not enough. F! Have you ever been to FLORIDA? yes, once. Do you like FISH? yes. Have you ever been to the FAIR? yes. Who was the last FRIEND you hung out with? four of my friends. Do you like FIREFLIES? i’ve only seen them once but they were amazing!! Have you ever wished you could FLY? i’d rather teleport than fly. Do you like FROGS? no. What FOREIGN countries have you visited? singapore, philippines, fiji, usa, canada, uae, mauritius, england, france, italy, belgium, spain, greece, germany, the netherlands, czech republic. i think that’s it... Can you run FAST? nope. Do you have a big FAMILY? yeah kinda. Do you have A FACEBOOK? yes. Do you like FRENCH toast? yes!! Have you ever been to FINLAND? nope. Are you FEMALE? yes. Do you know anyone who lives on a FARM? yes. G! Do you believe in GHOSTS? nah. Are you good at GEOMETRY? nope. What is one of your GOALS? find a good career. Have you ever pet a GOAT? yes. What year did you/are you going to GRADUATE high school? 2009. Are any of your GRANDPARENTS still living? unfortunately not. What GRADE in school was your favorite? 11th i think. When was the last time you gave someone a GIFT? yesterday! Have you ever seen a GRIZZLY bear? i don’t think so. If a GENIE granted you 3 wishes what would you wish for? unlimited money, happiness and health for me and everyone i love. Does your house have a GARDEN? yes, a huge one. What about a GARAGE? yes. Do you like to chew GUM? yes. Have you ever done GYMNASTICS? as a kid. H! What is your HOMETOWN? i live about 30 minutes form my hometown. When's the last time you had a HAIRCUT? maybe three months ago. What HAND do you write with? right. Have you ever ridden a HORSE? yes. Do you like HOT chocolate? yes, but i only ever drink it in winter. When's the last time you ate a HAMBURGER? yesterday. Do you have neat HANDWRITING? not super neat, but it’s legible. What is your favorite HOLIDAY? christmas. Do you like the musical HAMILTON? i haven’t seen it. when i was in nyc this april every show was sold out but people were reselling their tickers for thousands of dollars. no thanks. Are you in HIGH school? nope. Do you enjoy HIKING? no, i hate it with a passion. What is your HEIGHT? 5'4". Who is your HERO? my parents. Are you HUNGRY? nope. I! Do you like ICE in your water? yes. Are you INSIDE right now? yes. What's your favorite INTERNATIONAL food? japanese and chinese. oh, greek food is nice too! and korean! Have you ever been an INTERN anywhere? yes.

Do you use the INTERNET a lot? everyday. What is your favorite musical INSTRUMENT? piano or guitar. What is something you're INTERESTED in? traveling. When was the last time you used INDEX cards? i never really did, not even when i was studying for exams. Do you like the color INDIGO? yes. Have you ever had a job INTERVIEW? yes. What's your favorite ICE cream flavor? cookie dough. J! Are you wearing any JEWELRY? yes, i wear my necklace and bracelet 24/7. Do you like JAZZ music? it sounds good but i don’t actively listen to it. Are you JEALOUS of anyone? no. Do you write in a JOURNAL? nope. What is your dream JOB? something that allows me to travel a lot. Do you know anyone who's a JUDGE? nope. Can you JUMP high? no. Do you know any funny JOKES? eh, not really. What does your favorite JACKET look like? it’s just a plain denim jacket from h&m. Do you know anyone named JOHN? yes. Have you ever played JEOPARDY? no. Have you ever seen a JELLYFISH? yes. How about a JAGUAR? i don’t think i have. not even at a zoo. K! Do you like KALE? from the very few times i’ve had it, it was good. Do you know anyone in KINDERGARTEN? i know someone that will start next year. Aren't KITTENS adorable? i don’t really like cats in general. Do you own a KEY to your house? yes. Do you have any KIDS? nope. Do you own a tea KETTLE? yes. Have you ever seen a KOALA? yes. Do you have a lot of KNOWLEDGE? i do. maybe not as much as other people but whatever. Have you ever worn a KIMONO? yes. Do you like KEBOBS? yes. Do you know anyone who's had a KNEE replacement? no. Are you KIND? for the most part, yes. Do you know how to KNIT? nope. Have you ever sung KARAOKE? yes. Do you always KNOCK before entering a room? not unless i know someone’s in there. L! Do the LEAVES change color where you live? yep. obviously only in autumn. When was the last time you did LAUNDRY? i don’t remember. my mum still insists on doing it coz apparently i don’t do it right. How many LANGUAGES can you speak? two. When was the last time you went to the LIBRARY? no idea. back when i was in uni i think. Do you know anyone who's LEFT-handed? yes. When was the last time you wrote a LETTER? i wrote a quick birthday message in a card yesterday for my friend, does that count? Post some LYRICS from the song you're listening to: not listening to anything. Do you have a driver's LICENSE? yes. Is there a LIGHT on near you? yes. Have you ever seen a LION? yes. LOOK out the nearest window. What do you see? the street. Do you buy LOCAL food? yes. Have you ever eaten LOBSTER? yes. How LONG is the song you're listening to now? not listening to anything. Do you like LEMONS?: only to compliment food. M! Are you good at MATH? very basic maths i guess. What is your favorite genre of MUSIC? rnb, hip hop, neo soul. Have you received any MAIL recently? yes. What is your MOM'S name? rather not say. Do you believe in MAGIC? no. i do love illusions though. Do you wear MAKEUP? yes. Have you ever been in a MADRIGALS group? nope. Do you put MAPLE syrup on your pancakes? yes! What is one of your favorite MEMORIES? any time i’ve gone traveling. What would you do with a MILLION dollars? pay off debts, give some to family, invest in a house and save the rest. Are there any words you often MISPRONOUNCE? probably. Can you see the MOON right now? nope. Do you enjoy going to MUSEUMS? yes, i’ll happily visit any museum. When did you last use a MICROWAVE? today. Do you drink MILK? only soy or lactose free. What were you doing at MIDNIGHT last night? sleeping. Do you MISS anyone? yes. N! Do you like your NEIGHBORS? i don’t really talk to any of them. Have you ever been in the NEWSPAPER? yes haha. Do you have a NICKEL in your wallet? yes. Is it NIGHTTIME? yes. Do you have any NIECES? yes kinda, they’re my cousin’s daughters. How about NEPHEWS? same ^ but my cousin’s sons. When is the last time you wrote in a NOTEBOOK? i don’t remember. Have you ever been to NEW York City? yes. What is your favorite/lucky NUMBER?  7. What makes you NOSTALGIC? looking at old photos, listening to old songs, watching old videos and/or movies. Do you have any NICKNAMES? yes, plenty. Do you ever take NAPS? only if i haven’t had enough sleep. Do you enjoy spending time in NATURE? not usually, but i can. Do you know anyone who has a NEWFOUNDLAND (the dog)? nope. Were you born in the NINETEEN NINETIES? yes. When was the last time you read a NOVEL? a couple weeks ago. O! Do you like to eat OATMEAL? nope. Have you ever been to the OCEAN? yes. Do you work in an OFFICE? no.

Are there any OAK trees in your yard? no. Do you like OLIVES? no, i hate them. Have you ever seen a live ORCHESTRA? yes. Have you ever been to the ORTHODONTIST? nope. Are you ORGANIZED? yeah kinda. Do you like OTTERS? yeah, they’re cute. What is your favorite OUTFIT? just a plain summer dress or a tee and leggings. When is the last time you were OUTSIDE? just then. Have you ever been to The OUTBACK Steakhouse? yes. What is something you're OBSESSED with? netflix lol. Is there a door OPEN nearby?  nope.

Are you part of any ORGANIZATIONS? not really unless you count the union at work. P! Do you have a PUPPY? yeah but he’s not a puppy anymore, he’s an oldie. Do you like PAINTING? i haven’t painted in years. Have you ever had a PEN PAL? yes, just my cousin lol. Do you own any PALAZZO pants? nope. What's your favorite kind of PIZZA? meat lovers. What are you PASSIONATE about? tbh i’m not sure. is that bad lol. What's the best PERFORMANCE you've ever been to? beyonce. Do you get along with your PARENTS? yes. What's the last thing you PAID for? presents for my god daughter. What kind of PHONE do you have? iphone 7. Can you play the PIANO? i can but very basic stuff. What is your favorite kind of PIE? apple. Is PURPLE your favorite color? not my fave but i still like it. Have you ever been to a PLANETARIUM? yes. Do you like POETRY? not really. Do you carry a PURSE? yes. Q! Do you like answering QUESTIONS? sure. Is it QUIET in the room right now? yes. Have you ever made a QUILT? nope. Have you ever been in a QUARTET? no. Did you ever collect state QUARTERS? no. When did you last have a QUIZ in school? no idea, maybe five years ago. What is your favorite QUOTE? i don’t have one. Do you ever QUACK like a duck? umm nope lol. R! How often do you listen to the RADIO? every now and then when i do short driving trips. Do you like to READ? yes. Is it RAINING? no. it was earlier though. Have you ever been to a RALLY? nope. Name 3 things in your REFRIGERATOR: ketchup, cheese, water. Have you ever had a REHEARSAL for something? yes. Have you ever been to a RENAISSANCE festival? nope. What makes you feel RELAXED? massages. Does your family have REUNIONS? yes. What is your favorite RESTAURANT? i depends which cuisine. but i do love any kbbq. Have you ever sat on your ROOF? nope. Do you have a ROOMMATE? no, just family. Do you have a Labrador or Golden RETRIEVER? nope. Do you know anyone who is RETIRED? yes. Do you like RASPBERRIES? they’re okay. When you go to an event do you buy REFRESHMENTS? yes. S! Have you ever been SAILING? not proper sailing. Do you ever shop at a SALVATION Army? i have before. Do you like to eat free SAMPLES in the grocery store? sure. Do you have a SISTER? yes. Can you speak SPANISH? no. What SCHOOL do you go to? I'm not in school. Do you like the game SCRABBLE? yes. Have you ever been to SPAIN? yes. Have you ever been in a SPELLING bee? no. Name someone you know who is an amazing SINGER: eh... idk lol. When was the last time you saw a SQUIRREL? when i was in usa. Does it SNOW a lot where you live? it has never snowed here. Are you wearing SOCKS? nope. Do you own a SKETCHBOOK? yes, but i don’t use it.

When was the last time you took a SHOWER? today. Do you know the song from West Side Story called SOMEWHERE? idk. T! Who was the last person you TEXTED? my boyfriend. Do you like to drink TEA? i do but very rarely. Have you ever played a TAMBOURINE? yes. Who is/was your favorite TEACHER? tbh i didn’t have one. Do you like to shop at TARGET? yes. Do you have a TAPESTRY in your room? nope. What's the TEMPERATURE outside? idk probably around 20 degrees c. What is your favorite T-SHIRT? my oversized striped one. Do you own a TEDDY bear? no. Are you a TEENAGER? no. Are you interested in THEATER? not really. What TIME is it? 12:28am. Do you have a TRAMPOLINE? nope. Can you read music in TREBLE clef? nope lol. Have you ever had a pet TURTLE? no. Have you ever TUTORED anyone? yeah kinda. U! What is UNDER your bed? a lot of junk and early christmas presents that i’ve bought. Have you ever had to wear a UNIFORM for anything? yes, work. When was the last time you saw your UNCLE? in april. Do you go to a UNIVERSITY? no i already graduated. Do you live in an URBAN area? yes. When was the last time you used an UMBRELLA? i forgot. Do you know anyone who is a UNITARIAN? nope. Have you ever been an USHER? nope. Can you UNDERSTAND other languages? yes. What makes you UNIQUE? just the way i look i guess. When was the last time you went UPSTAIRS? just then. How many months are there UNTIL your birthday? less than a month. V! Do you know anyone who is a VEGETARIAN? nope. When did you last use a VACUUM cleaner? last week. Where is the last place you went on VACATION?  vegas. Do you know anyone who plays the VIOLIN? nope. Have you ever wanted to be a VETERINARIAN? no. What countries would you like to VISIT? japan and the bahamas. Have you ever taken VOICE lessons? nope. What was the last thing you bought from a VENDING machine? a drink. Have you ever been to Martha's VINEYARD? nope. How about VERMONT? no. Do you like VANILLA ice cream? no. Have you ever VOLUNTEERED anywhere? yes. Are you registered to VOTE? yes. Do you have perfect VISION? no. i wish! W! Do you drink a lot of WATER? yes i do actually. What's in your WALLET? license, debit card, credit card, membership cards. Do you wear a WATCH? not since my apple watch broke :( What is the WALLPAPER on your computer? it’s of cityscapes all over the world. it changes every five minutes i think. Have you ever read the WARRIORS books? no. Can you WHISTLE? yes. Do you like WOLVES? tbh i’ve never seen any irl. What is your favorite WORD? fiasco. Is it WINDY outside? no. Have you ever painted with WATERCOLORS? yes. What time did you WAKE up today? midday. Are there any WATERFALLS near where you live? nope. Have you ever seen a WHALE? yes. If you have a dog does it WAG its tail a lot? whenever he sees anyone. Have you ever been to WASHINGTON, DC?  yes. Have you ever been to a WEDDING? yes. X! Have you ever had an X-RAY? yes. Can you play the XYLOPHONE? i mean i can but i can’t play anything nice lol. Can you speak or understand XHOSA? nope. Y! Does your house have a big YARD? yeah, it’s huge. Have you ever done YOGA? no. Do you like YOGURT? sometimes. Do you have a YEARBOOK from high school? yes. Are you wearing anything that is the color YELLOW? nope. Have you ever had a YARD sale? no. What YEAR were you born? 1990. Have you ever heard the song YOU Will Be Found? nope. Have you ever been part of a YOUTH group? yes. What did you do YESTERDAY? had dinner with friends. What's something YUMMY you ate recently? tacos. What's the last YOUTUBE video you watched? some buzzfeed video of a girl going on a date with a real life vampire lmao. Z! Have you ever seen a ZEBRA? yes. What is your ZODIAC sign? sagittarius. Are you wearing anything with a ZIPPER? nope. Have you ever seen the movie ZOOTOPIA? yes, it was cute, Do you use ZIPLOCK bags? no. Do you know anyone named ZOE? no. Have you ever been to ZIMBABWE? no.