#It also helped relieve my starvation for touch. I NEED hobbies where I get to physically touch people or else I'm going insane

[birdylion]

Musings on: visiting woman-centric spaces and ballroom dancing

I went ballroom dancing for the first time in years. The event was organised by a local feminist association and was said to be open for everyone but cis men. It was a queer-friendly space, that's why I went, but I wasn't too sure about my place there.

Indeed the group turned out to be very focused on female(-centric) identity, which I don't have, uh, at all. So of course, I got misgendered a lot - it's much easier to pass as a man when there's NOT the contextual assumption that most, if not all, people there will be women. (The nonbinary, inter and trans part seem to be a recent addition to the association's self-understanding, and very far from the mind of most people there.)

But I found I didn't mind their assumptions about my gender too much, because 1. I am by now secure enough about myself that I don't need outside validation, and 2. while the space itself appeared to be woman-centric, there was a lot of variety among the people there (from very femme to about as masc presenting as me - the latter an older nonbinary person who was one of the few to instantly gender me correctly), so I got the impression that everyone was allowed to be their own self. It was a very queer space, and I didn't feel like I had to prove anything.

I did feel welcome, I didn't feel like an intruder (which had been one of my worries) - but I didn't feel like I belonged, either. The space was advertised as being "for everyone but cis men", but in practice was more like "for women and people close to womanhood". I knew before that I'm a man, that my transness is binary. Being in that space reminded me how much this is true. I have a working sense of justice and enough insight to know why it matters so of course I'm a feminist, but I'm one from the outside perspective. (This is the abridged version of how I relate to feminism, anyway.)

*

It was the first time I got to dance the lead role, that was great!

I've always loved ballroom dancing since taking the first class back in my teens, but always having to follow was getting on my nerves. As my skills grew, I felt more and more uncomfortable with it, and so I ended my training. I used to be pretty good, but I never learned how to lead, so now my movements look like I know what I'm doing, but I can only lead the basic steps and maybe one figure.

This was now a very low-stakes, easily accessible way of trying it out again, this time from the other side. I went alone, but the above mentioned nonbinary person soon set me up with others. Apparently I looked like I knew how to dance, because then a very good dancer asked me and I got to dance my favourite dance of all time again, the quickstep <3 and by the end I had about 5 people who wanted to dance with me. I was told that I have a very good posture and also that my leading felt good and comfortable, which is a great compliment considering I was doing it for the first time. With the good dancers, I usually let them lead because then we could do the more advanced stuff. Even though it has been almost 10 years since I last danced regularly, my body remembers. I wouldn't want to dance only as a follower, but for the handfull of dances now, especially in this environment where switching was normal, I didn't mind as much as 10 years ago when that was the only thing I did.

I was there to try out dancing lead, and ... omg it's so great. I really enjoy it - yes, leading into the figures, but also keeping an eye out on the dance floor, looking out for my partner, making sure we're not crashing into anyone, planning which figures to dance next. It brings a level of mental complexity to the dance that I enjoy very much.

I'm seriously thinking about taking a class and trying to find a permanent dancing partner. (There are problems such as me having enough hobbies already, and not knowing which class to take - I'm too advanced for a beginner's class, but having never learned how to lead into the figures, there's a lot of stuff from the advanced courses I probably don't know. I feel it would be good to learn from the ground up, but at the same time fear I would pretty soon be bored in a beginner's class.)

I think, (re-)learning ballroom dancing outside queer spaces, back in the old heteronormative world where I first learned it and then trained seriously, would be a wildly different experience now than it was then. I think it would actively bring me joy now, if I danced the role that feels so much more natural for me AND were allowed to exist in the gender role that feels right for me, at the same time.

All in all, a thought-provoking event with the benefit of renewing my live for ballroom dancing.