#In general I am very happy with the direction my art has taken this year! I'm so excited to do my year in review!

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

It's that (Almost Christmas) time of year again!

(2023) (2024)

[generation1point5]

After Echo: A Retrospective

It's been a little over a year since Echo and its related works compelled me to write a slew of thoughts and a whole fanfic. I had joined a community, left with some new friends, and am now back largely to the same place I was before. I've come full circle, as it were.

I've taken and contributed largely what I could, and now that I look back on this time it feels to me more like a chapter read and closed than anything ongoing. The thought does not make me as melancholic as I thought it might, perhaps for the fact that I feel like I have done all I could; that, and the anticipation of knowing that this day would one day come to pass has also crossed my mind a long time ago. It is not the first time I've passed through such phases in life, and it will certainly not be the last. It's a well-worn, familiar road by now.

Yet the impact it's left on me, however brief, has demonstrably proven that this particular cycle has been more compelling than most; the last time I had committed so much to a fandom was Mass Effect. Disco Elysium might have counted too, if not for the fact that my radicalization into Marxism had been a project that was already years in the making at that point, and my engagement of that sort is of a different dynamic entirely. That owes to the nature and social approach to politics as a whole when it comes to human relations, I think.

At the time of writing, After All has just over 1,650 views, and 70 kudos, far surpassing my earlier publicly published project for Mass Effect regarding my OCs. That is to be expected, considering that I was writing about actual (and very popular) characters from the work itself. To my own impression, it has made more of an impact among AO3 readers in general than it has with the community surrounding Echo Project as a whole. This is also within expectations, as I was writing a fic whose very premise is subject to much discourse within the fandom, and it didn't feature much of anything in the way of mature content beyond the banality of horror in late-stage capitalism affecting a small town in America (or Columbia, as it were).

I check back on my work less often than when I did shortly after I started uploading it, but each time I come back to it I still find lines that I'm happy that I had put to words; it was those few instants where I feel like I had touched on something fundamental, raw and true, and portrayed it with a clarity that stands the test of time. Ultimately, I am satisfied with the work I produced. I did not write After All to be a blockbuster. But part of me did write the fic with the intent for it to be read for an audience beyond myself; otherwise, it would have all remained in my head, never committed to paper. There is always a two-level game to the artistic process; it must be sincere and near enough to the heart to be worth the effort, but it is always published with the hope that others see it, that it would be recognized. I constantly remind myself never to find validation in my art. Recognition should always be kept distinct from self-worth. I am all-too familiar with the ways that tying one's identity to close to their creative sides can lead to self-destructive views on oneself.

Unlike the visual arts, the written word always contains a thesis, a velocity, a direction, an argument and intent to add or otherwise alter perspective. It is not satisfied with realizing a projected image onto a visual medium. Words can be made pretty by good organization, but if the content is empty the work will be rendered lifeless.

My intent with After All was not to correct what I perceived to be a wrong in the writing, nor was it a simple exercise of wish fulfillment (or so I tell myself). What Echo had captivated and inspired in me was, much like Disco Elysium, the banality of the horror of our everyday circumstances, the material dialectic and contradictions within our socioeconomic fabric that shape the lives of many. Despite the presence of the paranormal in Echo, the key theme it speaks to, and what I always return to, is that we make monsters of ourselves and other people. I am compelled by the tragedy inherent in the struggle to rid ourselves of these horrors while not losing ourselves in the process. It speaks to the human condition, and that was what I hoped to capture.

What I had concluded early on, and what I knew would cause me to detach myself from the community even as I got into it, was the tendency for fandoms to reduce stories to their "moral," as they are derived by all who interpret the work. In a way, it goes to show how we evaluate characters as a whole, to read them as ultimately good or bad, people worth defending or condemning, but to me these debates serve only to reinforce a broader point: that at best, the products of human emotion (art, philosophy, politics, music, literature, etc.) are interpretations of the world. They tell you more about the person who's talking than the world they're talking about. What I had wished to write was in response to these black and white assessments, to re-establish a thesis that we are complex, self-contradicting, self-divided. I wanted to broaden the focus on the character by illustrating the world, and see the grey out of the black and white. It was meant to be a sober look in the mirror, darkly revealed through the lens of Echo's characters and the world it shares with our own. I wanted to write a story without that clear sense of karma, as such a notion is neither present in Echo nor the real world. The question of what people deserved was never the point of Echo, and neither was it something that I wanted to assert in my fic, either. Far more compelling to me is the idea regarding one's capacity for change, distinct from whether it was warranted, deserved or even possible.

At the same time, I wanted to tell a story that spoke to more than just self-improvement. The most compelling stories for me are not ones that are focused on individuals, or solitary heroes that beat the odds. Far more moving are stories that illustrate the broader world around them, as Echo did, to highlight the tension between changing the self and the self being changed by circumstances. That tension, I believe, is the reason why we feel the weight of our world so keenly. This struggle is neither noble nor beautiful, neither moral nor heinous. Like pain, it is simply there, and despite our best effort to flee from it, it lingers. That, to me, is the story of Echo. It is the story of many of our lives, and why we all try to make something of it, often into something that it is not. Who is to say whether it will be, ultimately, for the better?

After All is, by my own analysis and admission, a slanted excursion in self-expression. It was an attempt to show others how I see the world and the people in it, as expressed by the art of another, who saw and portrayed much the same world in their own way. I intended my own contributions as a gesture of respect, of recognition, of remembrance when I had finished my journey and began a new one. Since then, I have journeyed onto new pastures and old haunts, and look back on those prior days with a distant fondness and melancholy, having crossed into the pastures I had long espied over the horizon.

But the echoes of that time will always remain.

[alphaofdarkness]

Hi!

Just wanted to say that youre an amazing artist! You're really inspiring ❤️

Maybe you have some tips for an artist (who draws a lot of oc content) about how to develop his account or such?

Omg howdy there! I admit I was taken aback when I saw this this weekend (°ヮ°) I was admittedly very busy as family and friends were over to see me graduate with my masters! Still so,,, much in befuddlement but am extremely happy and proud of myself for making it! (◕‿◕✿) 🎓 I've gone and done it y'all! ✨

Me? Inspiring? (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀) imposible ah （〃▽〃）

I went off on a ramble just based off information that came to mind, I hope this helps. My advice is always so scattered and everywhere, I do apologize if I have missed anything! Everyone does these things differently and this is just based off my own experiences and what I've seen over the years!

As for your question my friend, first of all! Amazing to know a fellow artist, I hope I have a chance to see your artwork and oc content some of these days ahead! ^^

Second of all, I had to think a lot about this because I've essentially had random bursts and moments when it comes to trying to focus on my personal stories and oc content. I have many Oc's and self inserts in different fandoms that kind of boost me in some relevance within those areas of interest and followers too.

However, for my own personal stories Ocs, I love posting and putting my content out there and I have been doing it for a fair amount of time since I started using tumblr; posting most, if not a lot of it, on this main blog of mine. I later started a side blog specifically made for that content to post and to look through aesthetics and inspiration for my characters and world building -> @wewillbelegendary. I will say it has been hard to keep up with posting directly there as it is like starting a blog from scratch and love using my main blog. Honestly, I tend to alternate a lot it just depends, I reblog it on there at as I have more traction on my main.

But I do highly recommend you at least considering having a separate oc blog, if you are still growing a blog in general, I highly recommend it as it will be a nice concentrated area for all of your art on oc content. That can grow into world building, character inspirations, art development, so on and so forth! Also using appropriate tagging system to help guide others to your content and so people can see it in those specific tags! There are plenty out there especially those like #digital art #artist on tumblr #original content #original characters, etc. I am sure there are many more that I have used or others have and it just depends on the subject of the content entailed.

You may have to reblog several times through your main blog to gain traction from your followers or audience, engage with other posts and other people content to gain some relevancy with them too! Follow other content creators like them too!

If you have been drawing them for a long time, post artist development of your characters over the years to show their initial concept to where they are at now! Post your sketches in all their bare bones (I fail at this sometimes~ but I highly encourage you!), you can be direct with your wording or give a hand full of sentences to explain the post to give others insight. Post about what inspired you to make that specific content for your ocs like song or quote inspiration.

Overall, a lot of it relies you posting consistently, if you really want to gain attention to your work! It won't all happen in a day or a week, even months. I don’t think there is a set time people post on here, I tend to do so in the mornings during the week to Saturday and tend to spread my posting after two days when I have a handful of art to post! Also double or triple reblogs in the afternoon or following day depending on interation!

You have to motivate yourself to post about your work and gain others attention to notice you! I have since calmed myself down from such a mindset though (sometimes I get anxious because I haven’t posted or done art and that’s okay, don’t stress or push yourself over if you haven’t!). I post my oc content because I am proud of it, if it gets noticed then I am happy, even by a few or handful of people. I am giddy when people reblog, more so when small tags are added in 🤍 sometimes my content isn't always liked or reblog and that is okay! There is no shame or worry about deleting and reposting again another time too. Hell, I know some people often tweet or repost on instagram their works again so others don't have to search all the way down to the initial post!

I also recommend posting on other socials as well! Instagram is such a good place for that! With similar tagging systems! Maybe on twitter too, but it just depends and you are also limited on the tags and characters you use. Everything kind of cumulates when you have more at hand!

Honestly, it has been a while since I have posted oc content in general, I had some burst inspirations earlier in July and recall rambling about it to my fellow mutual on here about it 🥺 she is such a dear friend and love rambling about each other's ocs, self inserts, and f/os. Make friends who will indulge in your creations and in theirs!

I sincerely hope that this information helps you some! Again, I have always been more of a self insert and shipping fandom artist with a healthy handful of oc content posted over the last,,, 12 years overall,,, oof (；・∀・) and more or less 4 years for self shipping content.. I, personally, have always just safeguarded my ocs because I wasn't the best at talking about it/them? I suppose? Gradually, overtime, got out of that mindset and became more confident about showing my characters and bits of information about them, at least in main story. Especially, with the encouragement of others I consider good friends here on Tumblr 😌

I hope you have a wonderful and blessed day and that you steadily grow your content overtime! I hope to see some of your oc content one day! 🤍✨

[angelslant]

7, 16, 19 <3

7. Any tattoos?

yes!! i have two, both stick and pokes by my friend laine (hi laine if u see this hehe) one says “lost boy” on my arm and the other is a owl petroglyph above my ankle <3 (i love neolithic art and a lot of my future tattoos involve cave paintings or rock carvings) i dont have many super good photos of them bc theyre at angles where they kinda need to be taken by someone else but i love them both dearly and looking at them makes me so so happy. also i want hand tattoos so bad but im restraining myself for now....

16. I will love you if

i am a quality time bitch through and through....if you dont have time for me, i dont have time for u. i love spur of the moment mini-adventures and i love friends who ive talked to every day for years and i love people who remember that we made plans and stick to them. i really like establishing enough consistency that it becomes easy to be spontaneous. also i love grad students who just impart knowledge onto me at random and the people you share art studios with when working late at night and random strangers in public who will hear a ridiculous conversation youre having with a friend and chime in in a funny way

19. A fact about your personality

this one gets a readmore bc of length lmao <3

i think a lot of ppl, sometimes even people somewhat close to me, dont rlly understand how much work i put into being an outwardly kind person lmao, or they dont understand that i do have to put a lot of work into that? i think a lot of times people confuse my anxiety with being like..."oh you look scary but you're actually so nice!" types of things which can be very true but at the same time, a lot of my current friends have not necessarily seen me when i dont put the care in to be kind and instead go with my knee-jerk reaction to situations (which is almost always some form of anger), because i have specifically trained myself out of going with those responses. i have kind of this weird dichotomy where i am a generally pleasant person who is anxious and can be a people-pleaser at times but to me that feels like a very like....surface level version of myself that can be easily cast off if i care enough to? but i think some people see that part of me as like my deep-down vulnerable self, which i dont really find to be true. because to me i think a lot of my people-pleasing is a direct result of the fact that i overcompensate for my anger. but this is hard to explain to people because since i look alternative or whatever, if you sit there and insist like "no no im actually sooooo evil and mean and tough i promise guys!!" it just comes off as ridiculous and try-hard lmao so i havent successfully found a way to be like "hey guys unfortunately none of this is a joke to me and in fact it kept me alive when nothing else would for several years". anyways idk i just sometimes feel like people view my skittishness as something its not or dont really understand that my "~edginess~" is not actually performative because it has a very real basis in my past experiences and generally if someone is willing to grapple with that they will become much closer to me and know me a lot better than if they just brush me off because they dont really take me for my word

[inner--islands]

Interview with Braden McKenna (May 2016)

1. What are some recent inspirations?

Dark Souls. I had avoided the series for a long time because of it’s difficulty, but finally decided to give it a chance. It has became a pretty consuming thing for me, and I’m currently working my way through the third entry in the series. The world Dark Souls sets up is so compelling and the attention the game requires of the player gets me into a very meditative focused head space that has been very rewarding. I have Sun Ra on as I answer these questions. He’s always inspiring. Always in awe at the range of sounds he crafted over his lengthy career. Also really taken back by how much content he created. Sun Ra situates his politics with his art in such an engaging seamless way. Truly a mystery.

2. Do you think all music is inherently political? Do you feel aware of that to different degrees when doing work as braeyden jae and softest? Or is that beside the point?

Short answer yes. Our lives are so deeply affected by politics whether we direct our intention and focus towards that or not. So it’s pretty irrelevant to me if an artist feels political or not,the artistic work is being created and displayed in a deeply political climate. My personal politics are very much on my mind while working as braeyden jae, not so much while working on softest, but that doesn’t really change the conditions that have lead me to be able to make and share art. So ya, it’s all political.

3. You’ve just started a new label – Heavy Mess. What is your vision for that project? What do you think has changed for you since the impetus to start Inner Islands back in 2010?

I really just want to be able to share sounds that interest me. Inner Islands had a very specific vibe and eventually it became harder for me to authentically curate new releases. Heavy Mess can be a lot of things, my listening habits lean more towards instrumental music, but I’d be happy to put out a pop album or whatever on the label. I’m mainly interested in working with good folks who are sharing sincere art in a sincere way. In that sense, maybe it’s not all that different than Inner Islands. Also, a month into the first two releases I’ve become painfully aware that I’m still shit at getting press. Feeling determined though.

4. I know in general you work pretty swiftly and prolificly on projects these days. How would you describe your scope when approaching a new project?

I’ve recorded a lot of two track albums as braeyden jae. Conceptually those aren’t as time consuming and the execution of those albums is pretty free, which allows for a lot of output. But my more proper albums like Heaven House, Turnings, Memory Chain, and Fog Mirror take a lot more time. The ideas reveal themselves more gradually and the execution is more labored. I’m always working on several albums at a time though. I’ve been maybe too prolific that past two years, I’ve still got a few things coming out this year that are finished, but I’m staring to shift into a slower zone with my work. Planning a few more labor intensive albums. Excited to see what happens.

5. I feel like I can trace a line between some of your projects, specifically WYLD WYZRDZ to Kaliska to softest. It seems like there is an evolution of a particular vibe. Does that ring true at all? How do you experience that chain?

All three of those projects come form a very similar place to me, all from a more gentle part of me. I guess the difference to me with those projects lies more in my interpretation of what my place in the world is and how I am currently trying to navigate myself as a changing human in a changing landscape.

6. How was it touring late last year as braeyden jae after taking a break from touring for 4 years?

Touring was great. I’m such a introvert that when I’m at home it’s easy for me to just keep to myself. So tour, while challenging for me, is a nice way to interact with folks. I’m hitting the road for my second braeyden jae tour in a few weeks. Looking forward to that.

7. How was it translating the softest project live nearly 2 years ago in June, 2014? Is that something that you consider doing again?

I’d be open to playing live as softest again. I had a good time while doing it. It’s not a zone I feel ready for most the time though. I think if I tried to play a set as softest while not feeling very soft, that it would end up loosing it’s appeal for me.

8. What’s your favorite Jim Henson-related film or series?

Dark Crystal runs super deep for me. I re-watch that film a lot. The world it presents is very real to me. The pacing is slow and reflective, an easy film to zone on. Brian Froud’s involvement in that film is also key. But I also gotta give respect to Sesame Street. I grew up on that, and still pull up clips of Burt and Ernie, and Grover when I need a laugh.

9. Dream collaboration with someone from an older generation?

Out of folks who are no longer with us, it would be Sonny Sharrock or Albert Ayler. From the living it would have to be Pharoah Sanders. All three are huge influences on my work as braeyden jae.

10. Words of wisdom you like to recall in times of need?

Rahsaan Roland Kirk has this awesome monologue on his record Bright Moments that I listen to a lot. Helps me stay positive about continuing to prioritize my time for creating new art.

Braden McKenna currently works as braeyden jae and softest. He also runs Heavy Mess and founded Inner Islands. He released his most recent softest album, six wishes, in February on Inner Islands.

[ceiling-karasu]

I feel like content slows down once school starts back up. When I joined the fandom, it was around this time of year, and I thought it was dead with the exception of two other people. Imagine my surprise when summer came around. From my perception it is very active right now in comparison from when I joined.

I hear you on that as well. I have spent eleven years in another fandom and the rules are different there than in SaH. Much more strict, it seems, and it’s a large fandom.

I have a tendency to be oblivious to a lot of drama happening, but even I noticed that there was some issue with naming OCs in there, although I never really paid attention since it didn’t pertain to me. I just kind of assumed that was just how it was done. I’ve been told that it goes way deeper and wow did I apparently miss a ton of stuff. But I did get that the rules are about the same as yours, with the bonus issue that people could be named after Gods (and their children; Emna vs Koenma for example) instead of countries. I did see some of it before I joined Tumblr, too.

I also had to do a lot of research on my names to get them perfect. Nunsongi is perfect, but that name also belongs to a few minor celebrities and a K-pop idol, which I found out later. No one seems to be complaining? I think I would have gotten a lot of complaints if anyone was mad about me using a celebrity name, although I didn’t even know it at the time.

Yepa (snow/ice princess) could be a nice nickname for Nurse Eomin (since I want the nickname to be given because she is cold towards her patients in the Weasel Unit and there are dozens of snow related names but really hard to find a negative context name and I feel bad to not ‘researching hard enough’ too) but while it is a Korean name, it is actually Native American in origin, and I feel like it would be racist to use it. Also why would the Weasel Unit know of that name? The wolves, apparently representing America, might know of the name and give it to her. But that would require native Americans in the AU, and for the wolves to have enough knowledge on Native American languages and Korean customs and languages to name a nurse that refuses to flirt with them Yepa, and I really don’t feel like the wolves would be able to make connections like that. I am not sure it is logical to use it even if it didn’t feel awkward.

There’s another direct ice/snow/cold woman name, but that was ‘taken,’ and even though it has been dropped apparently, I still can’t and don’t want to use it.

I did mess up with Rana Roja by using a masculine conjugation (Rojo), where Rana is grammatically feminine, but luckily I had someone who could correct me on that.

I also have to do a lot of research on every plot point and dialogue choice to make sure it isn’t offensive and is something someone from the area might say or do. Especially with Soor-Hiran, since I am incorporating some customs I know nothing about, but I’ve been running plans for them past Rei.

I still feel horrible that I had Flower Hill giving presents in wrapping paper in Lily Bell. If I had wanted to do those scenes ‘properly’ I should have used the cloth bojagi (found out in an actual museum no less). There is an entire art of cloth gift wrapping in Korea (types of cloth, styles of wrapping, colors, relationships, context of the gift etc) and I’m still kicking myself over not finding out about that beforehand. It actually could have been useful.

Also, creating a random one shot village that exports sculptures, only to later find out that an organization in North Korea that exports sculptures is an actual thing, so now I have changes to make later on. So I have to be more careful about the little things there, even though I know I am taking things way too seriously. So I think you are fine! I think people are really happy to see SaH participation in general, so it doesn’t need to be perfect. We can maybe relax a little, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be serious about trying to be creative with names and plots.

It’s also difficult because characters in the show are xenophobic and use ableist language, so if I want to keep this as closely canon compliant as possible I have to balance that with not going too far. (Luckily it seems people think the elevator scene was funny and not offensive and I was worried about that).

My OC finally has colors :))

I am considering changing their name since I found out someone else has an OC with the same name. To be fair, we both spell the name differently in English. But the Korean characters are the same. Thus, they are still the same name with the same meaning. How I never saw or noticed is a complete mystery to me. And I don't know how to feel about it hence my consideration of his name change.

I still want to have Dal (달) in his name since it means moon. And is in contrast to his sister's name (Noeul) that has relations to the sun. And showing that they are polar opposite is important to their lore/backstory. There are two names I can consider:

Dal (달): Moon (literally one character is a name)

Dallim (달님): Miss/Mister Moon*

*This is the name that I am mostly considering.

Though, I could also consider using Wol (월), which means Moon as well but within Hanja (usage of the Chinese characters). Though, it also seems to mean Months? Which I am not too keen on using since the character seems has a double meaning to it (depending on other characters it's with).

One last option is to find a word that uses the character (달), but I like giving my OCs actual names (unlike in SaH where names are based on species or apperances). I was jokingly thinking changing his name to Wolbyeong (Mooncake). But again, I like to give my OCs actual names. And that name wouldn't match my OCs personality. I usually take a long time naming characters since I always name them based on their personality or what they represent as a character. I take days to name a character because I always want to find the right character to use. That's how serious I am with naming my OCs which is why that "joke" name doesn't sit well with me.

Also I changed the style of his eyes and am thinking of which style. I think I nailed the shape that I want him to have. The removal of the pupil was just inspired by another anime character. But I think the pupil fits him better than without? I think I got inspired by Komi-san Can't Communicate since I have been seeing a lot of discourse over the new art style of the manga (and my take is that I don't like the art now).

[julystruck]

Oh, my friend, you've got a friend in me // Let's go and make more enemies

More versions and extra info under the cut ♡♡

No flowers | No text and no flowers | No text

Hi <3 I'm gonna talk about my art because I put a lot of effort into it and arg. I need people to NOTICE things.

Redrawing of this art ♡. It's been about a year, give or take a couple months, so I wanted to redraw it with the shock character designs, because that's the "one year later" story arc.

---

Staring with Keys. She got longer hair and more piercings. The flowers around him are red, pink, and white Camellias. Red is for passion and romance, pink is longing, and white is innocence or like. adorable-ness?

Finny and OP!! Op's design hasn't changed much tbh. They gets washed and better taken care of, but bun insists that their torn ear remains the same. Finny also doesn't change a lot. The big thing is adding patches to star's jacket as the story progresses. Unfortunately, I did not have the space for everything I wanted to get to. We have the Moon sleeve for lux's space powers, and tentacles for Kraken. Flowers and rocket are there because I vaguely remember them being on Kep's jacket. The anatomical heart is for Sweet, and I wanted to include a lock and an orange for OP and Keys. Around them is Ivy for friendship <33

Bunny!! I am just realizing I forgor to put finger joints but its ok. Ignore it. Her flower is lavender, symbolizing distrust. The cuppy cake in her hand is a ref to the Baby Sweet and Bunny story Kep wrote <3

Lambent!!! I'm trying to branch out a little more with dark academia fashion for them, but a small square doesn't show much. I do kinda feel guilty bc I gave them the most static pose :(( but I didn't really know what to do, and it is the one who is most likely to follow the "stay in frame" rule. It had two necklaces, blue and yellow, for Depths and Madelyn. The flowers around them are baby's breath and blue asters, both for brotherly love.

Static! I accidentally swapped his eye base color and hair base color here, but I kinda like the lighter hair for him. He gained an extra pair of eyes!! Because indulgence. Also I put him in something that was NOT a suit. A collared shirt/sweater vest combo still seems kinda formal, but slightly more comfy, and he is supposed to be working on control issues, so I feel like he'd stop constantly wearing full blown formal attire. There is less flowers around him and Bronze bc Sweet doesn't really like either of them. His flowers are black dahlias :D They are meant to be betrayal and death.

Bronze!! I changed the scaring on her body to sheets of metal. I feel like he'd change the burnt skin to metal because. She also has issues with showing weakness. I also updated the metal streaks in her hair so they look more metal-y. Her flowers are lily of the valley, which represent two things. The first is pain due to death. I feel like that's very fitting for EL, but is more of a generic deity thing. The second is "return to happiness". This is more directed towards Static's story, but it's because she is returning, and they both are healing and being happier.

Last but not least! Sweetheart!! my girl!! In the sketch I had her hair in pigtails but I feel like that looked dumb so I took it out. The whole art piece has really been leaning into the plants and flowers, and that's because she is expanding her flower and plant abilities. Her plant is pomegranates. Because uh, Persephone. Also they mean death and sanctity! which I also thought was fitting. Just ignore they also mean fertility we are picking and choosing our meanings here.

Anyways! I think that's it!! if you read to this point thank u sm for sticking around

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

fine line - a close reading

gonna cry bc i’m at the end, gonna cry bc it’s fine line.

(x x x)

want to give the same disclaimer as with lights up: this song is so layered, so multi-faceted, that i could never hope to give an exhaustive analysis. due to its vagueness and openness for interpretation, i assume that everyone, just like me, has their own ideas about it and has attached importance to it in ways that no one else’s words can or should alter. this song means the world to me for reasons that aren’t necessarily in this post, and that’s how it is with art that touches us deeply. i’ve tried my best to pull it apart, lay it bare, spread it open, if you will, so it’s almost as free as it can be for you all to form your own opinion on it. in the synthesis i will make my own conclusions, but feel free to ignore that if yours are totally different. i’m just one set of brain and heart taking in fine line and projecting whatever i think is right onto it. alright, let’s go

fine line, track 12

sung in falsetto

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

Put a price on emotion

pouring emotions into the art you create: how much is genuine / how much do you show - line between being authentic to your audience and giving away too much, wanting to keep things to yourself and not feeling truthful with what you’ve written

exploits of the industry: lay your soul bare - or the exact opposite, some pretend emotion - to score that hit

I'm looking for something to buy

cynical. emotions aren’t genuine, right? where can i go buy some?

～ lights up themes. fake life, industry, being a sell-out

You've got my devotion

But man, I can hate you sometimes

“you” = career, music, Harry Styles™. devoted to the craft, to the job, all the ups and downs of it, despite the hardships it brings 

“man” is deliberate: can be seen as an offhand interjection, like “man, that’s rough”, but nothing is casually placed in this song. “man” is: The Man, the heads in the industry, the people pulling the strings. The man in Harry, the man he’s been in the media all these years, the part he’s played/had to play, the man that’s in him

⟶ “hate you”: hate for industry shit, self-hate created by having to play pretend (～ only angel analysis, the persona of the Bukowski womaniser)

“sometimes” - it’s not fucked up all the time

“you” could also be a lover, but the sudden “hate” there then would be for that person, which is absent in any other song about them, doesn’t make any sense

I don't want to fight you

And I don't want to sleep in the dirt

like there’s a choice to me made, but he doesn’t want to make it: either I fight this “you” or I sleep in the dirt

“you” as the industry: if he doesn’t fight them, he might end up being a beggar, lose all his self-worth bc he gave in to everything they asked/told him to do

“you” as himself: fight your instincts, part of who you are/the persona. if he doesn’t fight to figure himself out, though, he fears he’ll also lose

“sleep in the dirt” as a sense of rejection, as well

We'll get the drinks in

So I'll get to thinking of her

drinks to cope - falling, only angel, from the dining table - or to be braver and confront emotions better - tbsl

who is “we”? who is “her”?

narrative of “you” as “lover” further disproven: if “I” and the lover get together over drinks and “I” starts thinking of “her”?

⟷ “her” could be the lover, but then who is “you”? the industry? some other person, besides that lover, harry is devoted to? multiple lovers, all of a sudden? no.

⟶ “I” and “you” are all harry, that get to thinking of “her” because she is in daydreams with him. the narrative that harry is fighting a part of him, the persona he has (had) to play bc of industry limits, makes most sense. that persona is within him now, and part of his work, but all of him, “we”, is begging to come into the light - of which she is a huge part

We'll be a fine line

balancing act. let everything coexist but pay attention that those lines don’t get crossed the wrong way. what we are, what i am, is a fine line between what makes us go under and what lets us thrive

we will be: determination to fulfil this prophecy, statement of fact “we always will be”

“we’ll be a fine line”: other way of interpreting it is that on both sides of that line is what entails “we”, all that is harry. what merges on that fine line is where it’s just right, when harry is fully himself in every way

“fine line” can also be an echo of criticism, bigotry, in the style of: it’s a fine line between being simply flamboyant and queer, between dressing like that and people thinking you’re a transvestite or summat (cause we wouldn’t want that, now, would we) - “we’ll be a fine line” could be owning all of it. putting himself in the middle of all those messy lines, as someone queer without a category

Test of my patience

patience with himself - kindness to self - took a long time to figure shit out and it was a challenge

waiting for change: industry and its allowances/openness

There's things that we'll never know

my favorite line

“we” = harry / harry and company / us in general, all of us listening 

～ tpwk “i don’t need all the answers”: deep sense of acceptance

peace to be found in accepting this!!

You sunshine, you temptress

“sunshine” - as in all the love songs (blue skies, sunflowers, summer days…): lover - possible that there are multiple “you”s in this song?

sunshine could ofc also be directed at the temptress, still

female “temptress” - “i’ll get to thinking of her” - she - it’s tempting for harry to think of her all the time, to lose himself in the “her” in him

other interpretation for “temptress”: woman he knows with negative influence in his life - resemblance to woman “you flower, you feast”, so echo of Bukowski ～ only angel, kiwi (my sunshine, my love, who is involved with this temptress…)

My hand’s at risk, I fold

⟷ tpwk “dropping into the deep end”

not showing his cards just yet / forfeits

anxious to show all of him, to take the chance, with all the risks and consequences involved

Crisp trepidation

I’ll try to shake this soon

nervousness, anxiety - about (not) taking (enough) chances, (not) laying himself bare (release of the album that reveals much more than before)

“crisp” fresh, this feeling is unfamiliar - change is coming “soon”

sense of agency: I can get rid of this feeling by my own volition and make these changes - hesitant, insecure: “try”

wants to be braver. he’s not going back, but still needs to calmly coax himself further and further into the light, out into the open (“we’ll be alright”)

Spreading you open

Is the only way of knowing you

(can anyone else hear “spread thin” like a whisper under “spreading”? or am i imagining things.)

“you” is back - the only way of knowing “you” is to spread them open - the physical

to spread someone open - very literal, don’t need to paint the picture, or to lay bare, to lay it all out 

⟶ “you” as himself - the only way of knowing who i am is by doing this: writing this album, performing these songs, letting others listen in and form their own interpretations, let this world grow where i’m laid bare and OPEN and exist as this person who has issues, who is angry, who doesn’t know who he is a lot of the time, but is still so happy to be here - let it spread and let it all circle back to me so i can grow deeper into myself

We'll be a fine line

We'll be alright

“we” = h & self, h & lover, h & fans

collectiveness from tpwk

(notes on a piano sounding like drops, like he’s emerged from the water and dripping dry)

SYNTHESIS

Everything about this song is plural. Personal pronouns are all over the place. I, you, her, we. The sound is incredibly layered, with Harry’s own voice echoing through its verses like he’s singing to himself in an empty cave. Meanings can be attached to every word like it’s a wax tablet used too many times. What Harry has said in interviews for once holds pretty true to the actual meaning, in my opinion. 

“It felt like it described to me the process of making it and how the album felt in terms of the different kinds of songs on it.” (Capital FM)

This can mean a lot of things, and I think it means all of the things, of course. It means Fine Line is a summary of all of his emotions he visited on the album, of the things he’s laid bare. And it means that the actual process was also described, as one that can be frustrating and challenging, with added industry shit. 

Harry has expressed straightforward gratefulness to his label for "leaving (him) alone” while making the album and that speaks volumes. This time, he had the chance to make his art without the constant interference of a label, which meant he could weave in criticism as well. “Put a price on emotion” is first and foremost a critique on the industry. It’s the first line of the song, setting the tone for the interpretation of this song is about the risks I took while making this album. It involves criticism on an industry that creates such an atmosphere that only a certain type of music and artist breaks through or can be successful, that limits people in their personal expression. Convinces them that it’s better that way. That it’s better to hide who they love because the general public won’t accept them. That it’s better to create a song about a fake emotion than be honest. Harry loves writing songs and being on stage, but it’s taken a while for him to be fully comfortable there as a solo artist and bloom into the person that could make Fine Line. He loves his career, but it’s also limited his freedom in ways beyond our comprehension, and it’s exploited him to the point where he didn’t know who he was, in ways that have clearly taken a toll on his mental wellbeing. To a point where he finishes this album reassuring himself, most of all, that everything will be alright.

That process of making Fine Line obviously includes Harry confronting emotions he hadn’t before. He has stated that he experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows while making it. There are things he hates, he was fighting but doesn’t want to (anymore), uncertainties he was trying to figure out but had to accept he couldn’t, risks he still doesn’t know he can take without shaking. At the centre of it all is this sense of “knowing you.” The different personal pronouns in the song paint a fractured picture, which is ultimately deliberate. That the “you” Harry is devoted to and can hate sometimes doesn’t line up with “her,” that the end focus does seem to be this “you” that is mentioned in the same breath as “man” and “temptress,” forming the “we” together with “I”. 

After having songs like Lights Up, She, Falling and even TPWK, one of the central themes on the album has undoubtedly been self-discovery, in all its pain and glory. There are no female pronouns on the album besides, obviously, in She, and then here, in Fine Line. She is about a man living with a woman “just in his head”, who “sleeps in his bed while he plays pretend.” It is very clearly a trans narrative, the story of someone struggling to put into words what they’re experiencing in terms of gender. To a point that they fantasise about running away. Fine Line brings the ideas of knowing what it all means, which Lights Up kicks off (“do you know who you are?”), Falling deepens (“what am I now?”) and Treat People With Kindness turns on its head (“I don’t need all the answers”), together. Harry is still doubtful, and the questions asked earlier in the album haven’t disappeared, but he has accepted that “some things we’ll never know.” His aim, however, is still “knowing you.” 

To have Fine Line, as the summary of these emotions of self-growth and self-discovery, echo that one female pronoun, speaks volumes. It is a direct reference to She, to that story about gender. “Her” in this song refers to “she (who) lives in daydreams with (him).” The one who still only fully comes out when they’ve had a drink. The one he’s still working to include in who he is, as he tries to figure out who he is, all of it. The song where he sings in falsetto, just like on Fine Line. Of which he sang the first verse an octave lower live at the forum, switching between those voices, those perspectives. That’s also why “you” in this song is also Harry to me. We get this fractured sense of self, this “I” and “you” conversing over a drink, this “you” Harry is devoted to and wants to figure out. “You” and “I” form “we” and all of them are Harry. The lines are blurry on purpose, there is no way to figure out where “you” ends and “I” begins. 

“You sunshine, you temptress” is the most enigmatic line in that respect, and to me blurs those lines even more between the pronouns. “You” is suddenly also identified by a female noun. And no this isn’t about some kind of love triangle. “Sunshine” aligns with all the odes to his lover in the rest of the album. So what does that mean? That there are multiple “you”s in this song, meaning that Harry is addressing both his lover and a temptress? So “her” he’ll get to thinking of, the only other female pronoun used in the song, is identified as a temptress, but tempting to do what? To take risks? And no I won’t forget the “man, I can hate you sometimes,” where "man” is not a casual interjection but an identifier of “you.” 

Or is it an echo of “the light” from Golden’s “bring me back to the light” and Light’s Up’s “step into the light”? So that the “sunshine” symbolises being in the clear, being out of the darkness running through his heart, the darkness caused by not knowing who you are. “You sunshine,” you beacon of light. “You temptress,” risk-taker and source of anxiety. You, one I need to spread open to figure out, to know about, source of happiness and despair, one I’m devoted to but also hate. You, man, you, temptress. You there, in the mirror looking back at me. 

All of you, and myself included, we’ll be a fine line. And we’ll be alright.

This song is about all of that. The self in art, the self on its own, the other, the journey, the chances, the fears, the passion. Hope. Reassurance. Confidence. And, most importantly, that everything will be alright in the end.

x

read all my lyric analyses here

[everythingharrypotterblog]

charmed [7]: ‘night changes’ (remus lupin x reader)

a/n: i got rejected from my top choice university program today so if im gonna be unhappy, might as well make u guys happy and release parts 5 and 7

brief summary: y/n and remus are both teachers at hogwarts and this is his first transformation where he is under wolfsbane. y/n remains in human form as he transforms. werewolf or not, all y/n ever feels is him.

series summary: set in the prisoner of azkaban, including its major plot points. remus and y/n get hired by dumbledore last minute to teach at hogwarts, defense against the dark arts and charms respectively. not wanting the students to know they are married, they navigate the challenging year through hidden glances, hand holds underneath the table and loving moments in their offices. even with all their efforts to conceal their relationship, their chemistry does not go unnoticed by the student population of hogwarts, who grow fond of the pair as they offer them some of the best classes they’ve had in a while. their relationship as newlyweds is strengthened as teaching the next generation of wizards unlocks a sea of memories of their love story. for the second time in his life, remus holds hogwarts responsible for some of his happiest memories. he’s given the chance to create them with the love of his life, y/n, who has taught and continues to teach him that every part of him is lovable, remaining forever under her charm.

series masterlist here

join taglist here

7.

previously, in part 1:

“No, you don’t understand, it’s incredibly, extremely dangerous for a human to be around a were-“ Remus had tried to say, before Y/N had stood up and with a crack, disappeared. A single white dove hovered where she had stood, its wings flapping slowly to stay afloat.

“Y/N?”

With a crack, Y/N had appeared again.

“I didn’t know you were an Animagus.”

Y/N grinned. 

“What, you thought James, Sirius and Peter were the only ones to ever succeed at it?”

Remus still grimaced, shaking his head and looking down.

“It’s still too dangerous, I won’t risk it. I couldn’t possibly think of hurting you, I’m too dangerous-“

“Remus, stop it. You didn’t hurt Peter as a rat back in the day, you wouldn’t hurt a flinging bird either. Plus, I got a serious height advantage on you anyway.” Y/N raised her eyebrows at him teasingly, transforming back again into the dove and flying up to the ceiling. Lupin wasn’t convinced.

“Y/N, you shouldn’t-“

The dove reappeared as Y/N and kneeled between Lupin’s legs, taking his face into her hands carefully. 

“Please? Let me be there for you. Let me try-“

“I-“ Remus winced in his crippling self-doubt.

“I promise, if I ever feel unsafe, I’ll fly away. I promise.”

Remus nodded. “I love you.”

Y/N was taken aback, but surged forward to press her lips against his.

“I love you too.”

It was the first time they had said that to each other.

+

The first full moon of the Hogwarts term was now but a day away. As it drew nearer, Remus got paler and grew more irritable, as it always was. 

The students never noticed, as he remained their kind Professor Lupin to them. Remus valued the staff and Dumbledore in extremely high regard, so he mainly kept to himself to avoid conflict.

However, his short temper was not 100% appeasable. 

He was presently in his office, leg anxiously bouncing. He couldn’t help but jitter as restless energy coursed through him. The door opened, and he  jerked his head in its direction, to see Y/N walk in, slightly anxious as well.

“Hi, love.” She said, making her way to him.

“He’s late.” Remus muttered.

“It’s Albus Dumbledore, what do you expect- maybe he had a Wizarding War in Luxembourg to stop before this or something.” Y/N joked, dragging a chair beside her and taking Remus’ hand.

His leg stopped bouncing. 

+

1980.

Remus sat in an armchair in the House of Black’s library, attempting to distract himself before the night would come, a transformation night.

Loud voices reverberated across the walls, and he usually wouldn’t have minded, but the full moon made him more irritable.

“Will you guys stop yelling!” He called out across the hallway to the room where James, Sirius and a couple other Order members were talking over each other.

Sirius shared a look with James and they shrugged, making a motion with their hand asking the others to lower their voices.

“Hi, guys!” In came Y/N’s voice, as she walked through the door after a day of work, setting down her jacket. She joined the table for a few snacks, before inquiring, “Where’s Remus?”

“Ah, in the library.” James said mindlessly, shuffling the pack of cards they were playing with. He spotted Y/N head for that direction, and attempted to add, “But I wouldn’t disturb him if I were-“

But Y/N already walked in the library, wanting to see her boyfriend. She found him buried in a book, sitting slightly uncomfortably in his clothes, as if his body was having pre-transformation aches.

“Hi, love.” She said gently.

Remus peered up from his book and instantly smiled, uncrossing his legs and patting at his lap. Y/N took a seat on him, and he wrapped his arms around her comfortably.

“How was work?” He grumbled, mouth kissing up her arm and shoulder.

“Oh, just the usual.”

He listened to her talk about her day, hugging her as she sat in his lap.

James heard faint sounds of their light voices from the other room, and laughed. Sirius shook his head, both of them amused by their friend’s drastic change in demeanor.

“Little fucker.”

+

Dumbledore appeared in Remus’ office not long after Y/N joined, with a goblet of familiar-looking blue smoke.

“Remus, Y/N. I took the liberty of bringing you your last dose myself, Severus has already done so much. So, you wanted to talk about the logistics of your upcoming transformation.”

Remus nodded, leaning forward and taking the potion.

“This is your first time with Wolfsbane, so we cannot be sure on how it will affect you. However, I trust that it has been brewed properly, so it should do its function, which is to maintain your mental state when you transform.”

“So technically, he could just stay and hide here in his office and wait for the night to be over?” Y/N asked Dumbledore, thumb rubbing over Remus’ hand.

“Yes. If the potion has been brewed correctly, which I am sure it has, Remus should transform into nothing but a harmless wolf. Of course, because this is your first time, if you still wish to go outside and-“

“Yes.” Remus interjected, once he finished the last of the potion. “I wish to still use the Whomping Willow, just to avoid all potential risk.”

“Very well.” Dumbledore smiled, bowing his head. “I have complete trust in you, so you do as you please.”

“And I should… I won’t forget who I am, I won’t lose my mind?” Remus asked.

“No.” Dumbledore confirmed. “Your mental state will stay intact.”

“Then, I can technically be in human form with him.” Y/N gasped as the idea jumped into her head. She was immediately met with startled looks from both Dumbledore and Remus, Dumbledore merely intrigued and Remus looking downright terrified. “I mean, I could be with him. Me, a human.” She added hastily.

Glancing at Remus’ fervently opposed look, Dumbledore merely stood up.

“I will leave that between you two to discuss. Goodnight, and good luck.” He said. “Oh! And one more thing.”

His eyes twinkled. “I hear talk amongst the students since the start of term. About you two.”

Remus and Y/N looked at each other nervously.

“Something about spotting their Charms and Defence teachers always being present in each other’s offices…”

Y/N mouth dropped in shock, trying to figure out how students could even know where they spent their nights, before Dumbledore laughed heartily, shaking his head.

“I kid, I kid, I have heard nothing of the sort. All that has reached my ears are the raving comments about your classes and subjects. Keep up the good work, Professors.” Dumbledore chuckled, and vanished into the fireplace.

Y/N stared dumbfounded at the spot he disappeared, before letting out a laugh.

“I-“ She blinked. “He is so weird, and can you believe, I almost let slip that I’m an Animagus-“

She stopped once she looked at her husband, whose expression was grave.

“Wha-“

“You cannot stay in human form with me.” He shook his head.

Y/N stayed silent for a second. “Why not? If this potion works, and we know it will, your-“

“We can’t be too sure!” Remus sighed. “Werewolves, we hunt for humans. We look for victims to bite, to… to-“

“If the potion doesn’t work, then I’ll just transform into a dove, like always.”

Remus met her eyes in a worried gaze.

“I’ve been a bird countless of times on your transformations, you’re still gonna let me do that, are you?” Y/N raised her eyebrows. “You even said, werewolves look for humans, animal companions are harmless-“

“Which is exactly why you can’t be in human form, darling! The extreme danger that would put you in, you have no idea.”

“I have no idea?” Y/N pursed her lips, instinctively reaching out to her bicep, on which lay a tiny white scar.

Remus glanced at it too, with almost hatred and remorse in his eyes, as he sighed, hand tracing over it and kissing it.

+

“Maybe you should transform right now, my love.” Remus said anxiously as he, Y/N, James, Sirius and Peter walked through an abandoned part of the woods.

The sky was dark, and the clouds radiated a faint shimmer indicating the full moon would appear soon.

“I won’t transform until I absolutely need to.” Y/N said firmly, hand holding onto Remus’ tightly.

“She’ll follow our lead, Moony, don’t worry.” Sirius said.

Unintentionally, they stopped at a small hill, deeming the timing to be right.

“Y/N, it’s not too late, you could just Disapparate away, I-“ Remus said to Y/N.

“Remus. Stop. I’m not scared.” Y/N smiled at him, cupping his cheek. “You’re still you. And I love you, all parts of you. Nothing will change that, or you and me.”

Remus nodded, breathing quickly and pulled her in for a kiss, before the other Marauders beckoned Y/N to back away slightly as the moon started to peak.

The night changed in an instant.

The opal orb shone in the sky and in the moonlight, Y/N watched as Remus’ tall silhouette trembled, his body morphing into a werewolf.

Y/N was in awe. His body lengthened. His shoulders were hunching. Hair sprouted visibly from his head and neck and his hands curled into clawed paws. Straightening up, he howled to the sky, the sound echoing into the rest of the night.

Y/N’s mind went blank. The Marauders had transformed as she kept her eye on Remus. For a second, the werewolf’s eyes met hers, but before she could do anything, he lunged for her.

Adrenaline shot through her body as the werewolf made a swipe towards her, a big black dog jumping in between them just in time for Remus’ sharp claw to slightly graze her shoulder before she transformed with a crack, into a dove and flew up, batting her wings.

+

“I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that.” Remus whispered painfully, finger tracing over the small permanent scratch near Y/N’s shoulder.

“But I’m fine.” Y/N pursed her lips, eyes looking into Remus’ face imploringly. “Because I knew that it wasn’t you. And after the night ended, you cared for me so tenderly and lovingly. Gently. Because that is the real you.”

+

Remus soaked a warm towel for the millionth time as he sat Y/N on the toilet next to the sink to tend the small scratch she had acquired from him.

“Rem, it’s okay, do you realize that I’ve broken literal bones before! This is nothing.” Y/N said, letting him clean the patch of skin before taking both of his hands in hers. He kneeled in between her legs.

“I could never forgive myself for this, I’m so sorry-“

“Please. In the best way possible, shut up.” Y/N smiled, eyes welling up at the unnecessary look of remorse plaguing Remus’ face. “That wasn’t you. And nothing that I saw or felt last night changes who you are to me now.”

“You don’t…see me as a monster? You don’t even feel a tiny bit scared being with me right now?” Remus teared up.

Y/N smiled, eyes crinkling and letting tears fall down her cheeks. “I just feel you.”

+

Y/N woke up from her nap the night of the full moon to find Remus’ side of the bed empty. Eventually, she had gotten Remus to agree to let her accompany him as she always did, but in human form this time.

Getting up, she spotted Remus already at the door. She crossed her arms.

“Are you running away?” Y/N frowned, her husband jumping at getting caught.

“No, I-I figured I’d head out earlier.”

Y/N walked towards him, squeezing his shoulders.

“We talked about this. It’ll be okay.” Y/N reassured him. She saw the fear still in his eyes but he nodded, blinking some away and reaching to get Y/N’s coat for her.

They walked in the chilly night air, making their way to the Forest. Although this felt completely new, they had never done this at Hogwarts and they were expecting new results tonight, there was also a sense of déjà-vu present in the air.

Y/N had been helping Remus with every one of his transformations during their entire marriage and before, ever since she was 18. It’s been almost 13 years that they were in this together.

We're only gettin' older, baby

And I've been thinkin' about it lately

“Thank you for being here.” Remus said, squeezing her hand. “And I don’t just mean tonight.”

Y/N squeezed it back tightly, beaming at him. The moon was close to being fully out, and they stopped on a small hill overlooking Hagrid’s Hut where it would appear in full view.

Does it ever drive you crazy

Just how fast the night changes?

“Remember, if I make any sudden moves, you transform on the spot, okay?” Remus looked down at her, eyes full of conviction. Y/N nodded.

They both stood there, waiting, anticipation through the roof. They felt nauseous, from nervousness. The clouds began to fade, and more moonlight shined onto them. Slowly, they let go of each other’s hands and took a couple steps back from each other.

Everything that you've ever dreamed of

Disappearing when you wake up

The first beam of light hit Remus as the full moon emerged.

But there's nothing to be afraid of

Even when the night changes

His neck began elongating, thick hair growing from his head and covering his back. His shoulders hunched as he grew taller, breaking through the material of his clothes. 

It will never change, baby

Y/N watched from a short distance as Remus morphed into a towering creature. Her incantation was ready in her head, just in case she had to transform into the dove.

It will never change, baby

Slowly, the full-fledge werewolf straightened up from its hunched over position. His eyes met Y/N’s and her body tensed, remembering. Instead of lunging at her, he sat down, his human-like eyes expressing gentleness. Y/N took a tiny step towards him.

“Remus?” She said, voice trembling.

The werewolf nodded.

Taking steps closer, she shakily got down onto her knees to join him on the ground. She lifted a hand, tentatively, and inch by inch, approached it to cup his cheek. At the contact, they both breathed out in relief.

“I just feel you.” Y/N smiled, tears flowing from her eyes.

It will never change me and you.

to be continued

a/n: as always i’d love to hear what u thought or what ud like to see of the series:)

tags @bicyhot1  @pink-hufflepuff  @legitlaughingflamingo @brod16  @gerardonmyway  @blueleonor  @suranne-doesstuff  @rxmusblxck  @spxllcxstxr  @littleemo477  @just12randomfandoms  @svnkissdd  @norrreee  @m4r13l3y  @jess6578  @rorysreallyrandom  @the-nightingale-not-the-lark  @archeve19  @wolfstarslovechild  @pan-pride-12  @x4kai4x  @chrrybmb-mp3  @reggieluna  @happyslittlekitten  @missemilygilmore  @all-things-fictional @strangefirething  @abitofeverythinggg  @yeahshewayout  @imfreeeeeee123  @harold-pothead  @lunnybunny12  @ellieblack11  @tugabooos  @joyfulbiscuit  @justonemorechapter07 @wonderwoman292  @skateb0red  @secretsthathauntus  @siriusblackswhoree  @sabonbonn  @untraveled-road  @annabeljareau  @valiantobservationkitty @diffbeanofbrand  @theeicedamericano​  @spencerreidlove  @flannellover67  @wishiwasdeadric  @becks7401​  @katsav17  @emmy-kitty13  @purritoqueen  @girl22334  @monicafebyana​  @talsiaa​  @sierrax023​  @axva03  @uhh-dk  @nataliahgrace​  

[cyncity2000]

some Thoughts on the new era(s) re: dan smith

i really really do think this new era is going to be different in terms of dan smith’s involvement with bastille. that sounds weird and scary but hold on let me explain.

- dan smith has been the sole lyricist of bastille since before bad blood. he has written three entire albums by himself, which is something that absolutely does not happen in every band.

(disclaimer it’s totally okay if a band has more than one writer, obviously, i’m not trying to sound superior for saying my favorite band always writes their own stuff and therefore is the Best Ever)

- that being said, it’s a difficult thing to do, especially once you’ve written tons and tons of songs for said band, plus worked on mixtapes, written songs for other artists, etc. basically, he’s done a Lot. and he is genuinely very talented so i am happy about how much he’s done!!

- but recently, with releases like survivin’ and the reorchestrated doc, we’ve gotten a closer look at dan and the way he thinks. he’s always been self-deprecating, but these releases have absolutely shown that the band has taken a huge toll on him and his mental health.

- this is why i think these post-trilogy eras have been very focused on collaboration and new beginnings! i mean, it’s been ten years, and this is the first time dan’s had a public twitter account that’s HIS and not the band’s account. i think that’s a huge sign he’s trying not to shoulder the entire burden of bastille by himself anymore, and i’m grateful for that.

- this has also why the new eras have been much more divisive, i think. we’re used to a very formulaic rollout from them, and we’re not getting that anymore. though that’s a good sign for the band to be out of that formula now (imo doom days fell a bit flat because of it), it will be hard for the fans to adjust to songs that will be more in the vein of other people’s heartache-style collaborations.

- it’s still the same base crew (the bas bois, mark crew, dan priddy, mark stent, etc) making the music, so that won’t change. but now i think they feel a lot more comfortable branching out and writing/producing with new people!

- in general, though, i think bas needed this change in order to continue as a band and make new interesting material. the trilogy (which, by the way, we should remember was a thing they agreed to do nearly a DECADE AGO) was a very cool and unique way to create music, i won’t deny that for a moment. the art direction especially was a+.

- but now that’s done, i think they’re just doing whatever the hell they want, and i LOVE that for them. they don’t need the label to tell them what to do, now that they’re popular enough that the label trusts them to make what they want.

- and while they will surely lose some fans along the way, that’s a totally normal thing for a band that’s been around as long as them! try not to feel too bad or guilty if you’re not feeling their new stuff as much as you loved the old stuff :)

[ddarker-dreams]

Malaise. Yan Fugo x Reader [Implied x Giorno]

word count: 6.3k warnings: implied sexual relations, angst later on notes: i wouldn’t say there’s super heavy yandereness going on here, but given the context i figured yandere would play out a bit differently. it’s more like slight yandere if anything ...

i.

Interacting with someone so close to your own age shouldn’t be this miserable. Bucciarati is far easier to converse with, it’s not even a close competition. He’s a pleasant conversationalist, humoring your ideas and offering valuable input. If you had it your way, you’d only be speaking to him and not… this bratty teenager who turned his nose up whenever you were around. As if your mere existence is the highest insult to his own. You’ll never forget how he looked from you to Bucciarati with a quirked eyebrow when you were introduced, the awkward encounter forever burned into your mind. 

You blow a strand of hair out of your face, nose scrunching up at the current dilemma. Bucciarati had asked, more like softly nudged you, to get along better with Fugo. You’ve been trying, ever since he introduced you two that fateful day. In the back of your head, you wonder if the same task was assigned to Fugo in private. Though seeing as he’s remaining nose deep into his book, sitting as far as humanly possible from you on this couch, you doubt it. The phrase “avoid like the plague”, doesn’t even scratch the surface of Fugo’s attitude towards you. He’d sooner embrace the Bubonic Plague than you, should prior encounters be recalled.

“Was there something you needed?” 

Speak of the devil. He must’ve seen fit to grace your presence with his most sacred articulation, filling the tense air with some much-needed conversation. The words aren’t malicious on a surface level, seemingly a reasonable inquiry considering you’ve been staring at him for a solid ten minutes. It’s how his voice is strained, knuckles whitening as he grips the book tighter, which gives him away. Fugo’s too easy to read at times, the same can’t be said when it comes to dealing with him. This might be the most difficult task Bucciarati ever assigned to you. 

“Need isn’t the word I’d use,” you decide to ignore the not-so-subtle irritation on his features, pushing your strained luck as far as it can go. Linguistics aside, you put your cards on the table. “But, I was hoping to get to know you better.” 

With the ball now on his side of the court, all you can do is wait, for whatever rebuttal Fugo decides to dish out. When Bucciarati isn’t around, Fugo’s preference is to act like you’re no more than a fly on the wall. Buzzing around his head and making it impossible to focus on anything that he does in his rare downtime. Honestly, he can’t comprehend why Bucciarati felt so desperate as to pluck you from whatever hole he found you in. You don’t even hold a candle to his own intellect, taking a naive, happy-go-lucky approach to life. Sure you’re a Stand user, and while it’s not a useless Stand, Fugo couldn’t picture you making the choices necessary in a fight to stay alive. The fact you haven’t been reduced to a bloodstain on the pavement is the only thing he finds impressive about you so far.

His eyebrow twitches at your pesky insistence, face settling into a grimace. “Am I right in assuming that if I don’t humor this pitiful attempt, you’ll continue to stare at me and disrupt my otherwise peaceful evening?” 

You place a finger to your cheek, considering the proposition, before nodding your head. “It looks like you’ve got a better understanding of things than I expected.” 

Fugo lets out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. So be it. He’ll wait until you fall asleep to finish his book, mentally noting the page number and setting it by his side. The act of surrender takes you off guard. You were fully anticipating a snarky one-liner, or for him to disregard you in some other way. Instead, he looks at you with disinterest, arms crossed over his weird swiss cheese shirt. You learned never to mention your inner critiques of his fashion sense, as it once earned a plate of parmesan being narrowly dodged at Libecco. Scary stuff.

“Now that I have your undivided attention,” Fugo winces at this like he heard nails on a chalkboard, “What do you like to do? Y’know, hobbies and stuff.” 

It’s as good a start as any. Finding out a person’s interests unravels the essence of who they are, what they believe is worth their time and effort. Fugo gives your question an unexpected amount of thought, probably sensing you’ll call him out for a lackluster answer. Which you would, of course. For all his stubbornness, he’s gotten good at reading you. Maybe you should try shaking things up a bit to rattle him, keep him on the edge of his seat… 

“Honestly, you couldn’t pick something more original…? I don’t know. I read, and I can appreciate a good movie.” 

You let out a hum of acknowledgment, considering his words. A very safe, Fugo-like answer. It didn’t take a seasoned detective to assume Fugo liked to read, but the movie detail is a new bit of information that you will take full advantage of. He strikes you as the type to be snobby about his tastes in movies. Most likely only watching them if they’re popular with critics and saying the general population has no appreciation for the fine arts, too busy consuming braindead action flicks instead of true cinema. Not that you have any intention of voicing this conclusion to him, seeing as you’re trying to worm your way into a friendship.

Fugo snaps his fingers in front of your face, bringing you back into unfortunate reality. Maybe that statement earlier this morning about you zoning out too much holds some merit. Before he can berate you as he’s taken an apparent liking to, you speak up. “That’s good and all, but I need specifics.” 

“Care to elaborate?” 

“With pleasure,” you lean forward, waving your hands enthusiastically to emphasize your point. You get the sense that Fugo regrets asking for clarification, but neither of you are willing to back down now. “How about this. If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, which would you pick?” 

“Is this some kind of job interview?” Fugo murmurs to himself, massaging his temples. You shrug your shoulders and offer a bright smile, and he knows sarcasm isn’t gonna cut it. “It’d need to be something interesting… maybe The Silence of the Lambs.” 

He somewhat defied your expectations, not listing some obscure black and white flick filmed on a Blackberry. Maybe you jumped the gun on your initial assessment of Fugo Pannacotta, and he isn’t as grandiloquent after all. This confrontation is going better than you ever anticipated, and you almost feel guilty for selling him too short.

That is, until he sees fit to present an unnecessary addition to his previous statement. “Was that bit of English too much for you?” 

So much for that. Once an asshole, always as an asshole. Shakespeare may have said something similar, but your reimagining is far more of a pinnacle in literary achievement. You deflate back into the couch, huffing at his indignant comment. Well, might as well burst his bubble now. It may be the only bubble Fugo has that you’re capable of the aforementioned bursting, so you’re going to savor every second of it. The entire reason you’ve never mentioned this facet of yourself is that you never viewed it as imperative. Bucciarati knew, you knew, that’s all that mattered. Until Fugo decided to dig under your skin and rub salt on the wound in one fell swoop. Figures he’d do that.

“Fugo.” 

“[First].”

“You know English is my first language, right?” Your voice is more of a deadpan than anything, tilting your head to the side as if it is the most logical conclusion. The hypothetical cogs in Fugo’s head begin turning. There was that time you stumbled over a Naples exclusive dish, sfogliatella, Bucciarati kindly offering the proper pronunciation after you stumbled on it. Or how you have the slightest of accents, sometimes referencing pop culture that goes beyond him. He always wondered why muttering “cazzimma” to you only earned a light reprimanding from Bucciarati, and never offended you as more common insults would. He just thought you were some type of misfortune idiot. Whoops. 

Not willing to throw in the towel yet, Fugo takes a posture of defense. This is a hill he’s willing to die on, you have to be playing some kind of cheap trick. “I don’t buy it.” 

“Should I start reciting the entire Star-Spangled Banner by heart, or talk about how much I love fast food and baseball? Did you think my Stand would be a bald eagle that shot out apple pie? If that’s the case, you’re fresh outta luck. I’m living in Naples for a reason.” you respond in fluent English, flexing your hypothetical muscles. Fugo recalls his English classes from years prior to roughly translate some of your words, scowling at the realization you’ve proven him wrong. By god do you wish you had your phone with you to snap a picture, print it out, frame it in every room of this apartment, make it your lock screen, and send it to Bucciarati. 

You’ll settle for drinking in the moment instead, Fugo muttering curses underneath his breath. Much to your surprise, from this moment forward, Fugo earned just an ounce of respect for you. Not that it says a lot, seeing as the cup of [First] respect was drier than the Sahara desert until recent times. 

It’s still a step in the right direction.

ii.

Neither of you says a word.

Coming down from your individual highs, you feel how your hair sticks to the sides of your perspiring face. Your bare chest heaving with every labored breath, Fugo in a similar state of disarray next to you. Now that it’s all said and done, you’re unable to look at him out of embarrassment. Instead, you seek solace in staring at your ceiling, thoughts scrambling to rationalize the previous events. 

It all started innocent enough. The two of you had been growing closer, becoming more comfortable in each other's presence. Even Narancia, who could be notoriously poor at picking up on subtleties, could sense your connection and even pointed it out. Until Fugo told him to knock it off (in far more vulgar language), saving you the shame of saying it yourself. You felt content with the state of things with Fugo, after months of getting him to come out of his shell with you. His words were still pointed, but not full of ill will. Even when three more additions were brought to your little group, Fugo remained the person you prefer the most. It might be wishful thinking, but you think he feels the same towards you. 

Tonight had been like all the ones that came before. The two of you sitting on the couch, talking about pointless endeavors. Mista and Narancia were out at the time, leaving you all on your lonesome. For such a sizable couch, you didn’t realize how close Fugo was sitting next to you. Your thighs practically touching, occasionally brushing over one another. To combat the summer heat and mediocre air conditioning in your apartment, you were wearing short shorts and a tank top. Seeing as everyone else could walk around shirtless at their discretion, no one ever made a point to call you out on the less than modest choice. Even if they felt the itching, you’d shut them up without a second thought.

Fugo found himself focusing less on the words coming out of your mouth, and more on your glossy lips. He could smell your strawberry chapstick, the choice so tempting he found it offensive. Mixed with the chocolate gelato that you stole from Mista’s “hidden” stash, Fugo was bewitched on a level that shouldn’t be possible. Your skin, slightly glistening from the summer heat, eyes full of passion as you explained why you hated pretentious movies. At a certain point, you must’ve noticed how Fugo stopped responding to your impassioned rant. All he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss you, to feel every inch of your body.

So he did. 

It was far from suave, an amateurish clashing of teeth and tongue. You let out a surprised noise at the unexpected events but melted into it. While the kiss didn’t go as smoothly as he pictured in his head, you seemed to savor every second of it. He still remembers how eagerly you responded to his every desperate touch, how you wrapped your arms around his neck and brought him even closer. The scent of your floral perfume and the sweet noises that left your lips almost made him drool, prompting him to go even further. Fugo’s brain almost shut down when you lowly whispered into his ear to come to your room, bodies soon falling onto your bed in a heated embrace. 

You feel sore, but it’s not so bad. 

Fugo’s the first to speak up after some painstaking thought, breaking the silence that’s resonated ever since he climbed off of you. “Are you… are you okay?” 

It’s so unlike him to be this unsure, not knowing what to do or say. His heart still pounds in his chest, cheeks flushed and lips bruised. Suppressed emotions came crashing down over him like a tidal wave, drowning him before he could make sense of it all. You didn’t push him away or seem offended by his advances as he’d feared you’d be. Instead, you accepted all of him. Allowing him to carry out his pent-up yearning for you, in a state of bliss by how you called his name out. 

Shameful as it may be, Fugo had envisioned this scenario in his head numerous times. He’d always hated himself for it, thinking he’s no better than a common pervert for the way he thought of you. All the ways he pictured you, in all the lascivious situations, only to see you bright and early for breakfast the next day. When you smiled and told him good morning, all he could do is look away in disgrace. Not that you ever knew about this, or that you ever needed to find out. 

You let out a carefree, light giggle at his serious inquiry. Fugo’s eyebrows scrunch together into a scowl at your sudden laughter, finally working up the courage to look at you again. Any frustration melts away like winter snow in the spring at how breathtaking you look, your skin iridescent and eyes softening. They aren’t softening just for anyone, it’s for him and him alone. Does he deserve to be the one you look at with all this adoration? And should he even bother with the self-deprecating thoughts, when losing himself with you is so much better?

“S-sorry, I’m not laughing at you, it’s just,” you cover your mouth with the back of your hand, the skin underneath your eyes tightening from the wide smile. “I never took you for the sappy, pillow talk type.” 

Fugo’s nostrils flare, huffing without any malice at your teasing. He doesn’t have the slightest idea of what he’s doing, improvising as he goes. Everything that happened, every shared touched you shared, felt so surreal. Cheesy as it may sound, it was like a dream come true. What is there to say after a passionate encounter like that? He’s still rushing to get his bearings, hating the sensation of being this out of control. How you make his stomach erupt into a swarm of butterflies with every action, from the simple fluttering of your eyelashes to the cute way your nose scrunches up when you’re concentrating on a task. Fugo knows what this could be, in the back of his head. A quiet, hard to push down voice tells him what he’s been dreading to hear. That he’s a fool, deep in the throes of love. 

It takes a few minutes for you to calm yourself down. Fugo’s observant, much to your chagrin, having picked up on your nervous tick of laughing when you’re unsure of what to do. It’d make sense, seeing how you just slept with your teammate who frequently called you an idiot a few months ago. You prop yourself up, bedsheets covering your bare chest. “I’m fine, thank you.”

He looks away, despising how your revealed skin makes his face flush a bright red. Even without looking at you, he can picture the knowing smile on your angelic face at his embarrassment. It’s the same smile you have when Narancia tells a particularly funny joke, when Mista goes on a silly tangent about his latest concerns, when Bucciarati says you’ve done a good job, or when Abbacchio chooses to sit down next to you when everyone else is being too annoying. Most importantly, it’s how you always look at Fugo, even when he didn’t think he deserved it. 

You poke his cheek, murmuring his name. Fugo’s violet hues flicker back to you at the unprecedented action, perplexed countenance betraying his inner thoughts. He knows he shouldn’t be thinking like this. That the occupation you two are involved in is too dangerous to sustain a relationship, and that death is a possibility every day. It’s too late for him to nip these feelings in the bud -- that opportunity passed long ago, as he let it -- but he can’t allow it go past the point it already has.

Fugo lets out an inaudible gasp when you make yourself comfortable against his bare chest. Here he is, being torn on the inside between desire and duty, and you’re snuggling up without a care in the world. It’s the stark contrast that separates you, the same one that has him so hopelessly enamored. You have no intentions on making this easy for him, do you? He knows the answer when he sees your eyelids closing, threatening to fall asleep. 

All is comfortably quiet until he hears your muffled voice speak up. “You didn’t push me away.” 

“Huh?” 

Fugo’s own response isn't the schooled, thought-out string of words you’ve come to expect. It’s a kneejerk reaction to a confusing observation, that he’s having trouble rationalizing in his head. While never the most forthcoming with his emotions, he was essentially ravishing you like a man possessed a few minutes prior. You can’t be that dense, can you? Scratch that, the more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense. Even if not many got to see that side of you, there are still insecurities that weigh heavily on your heart. In the same way he struggles with self-worth, you fight a similar battle. The thought tugs on his heart, lips set into a deep frown. Everyone’s got something to deal with.

“I wouldn’t do that,” Fugo responds in a harsher tone than he intended. When he feels you tense against his chest, he curses himself, intentionally softening his next set of words. “But, uh, do you really want me to stay? The others might be back soon.” 

You let out a hum of acknowledgment at his concerns, promptly waving them off. It’s not like Narancia and Mista are capable of sneaking into your shared residence, it’s ridiculously loud when they come home. “Just a few more minutes.” 

He expected an answer like that and still has trouble relaxing. Truth be told, Fugo would prefer to lay here with you forever. To see what you look like when you sleep, to feel the gentle rise and fall of your chest in sync with his own, to kiss your forehead and whisper goodnight. In an ideal world, that’s how it would be. Reality is a lot less forgiving, and there’s too much on the line. Being this close to someone else is vulnerable, painfully so. To hurt and be hurt, the opportunity now having the room to manifest. He knows all this, and he still can’t bring himself to mention the full force of his anxieties. Would you hate him? Think he was using you and then ditching you? 

Fugo decides to be selfish, more so than usual. While there’s no way to push down all of these emotions, looking at you puts him at ease. His fingers ghost over an area on your neck he learned was sensitive, almost smiling when you lean into the touch. The way he feels with you is addicting. From your quick wit that matches his own, never being afraid to challenge his positions, it’s like he found his match. While he’s always found you begrudgingly cute, even when he was colder to you, it’s evolved into something greater. More serious and heartfelt. It’s horrifying and exhilarating all at once.

“Does this mean we’re dating?” you ask what’s been troubling you, hearing how Fugo’s heartbeat ramps up in speed. It’s a rational conclusion, seeing how comfortable you two are with one another. You don’t know if what you feel is love, not just yet, but you want to give whatever this is a shot. Fugo’s hesitation says all you need to know, though you wish it isn’t like this. 

“I… I don’t know if I’m ready for that just yet.” Fugo answers honestly, the words so quiet you struggle to pick them up. It’d be a lie to say you’re not disappointed, though you don’t want to push him into anything he’s not ready for. Fugo has his own emotions to work through, and the last thing you need to do is jump into a relationship and ruin everything. So you lift yourself up, looking him deep in the eyes, Fugo blinking at the abrupt movement. 

“Then I’ll wait.” 

He doesn’t notice how close to crying he’s been this entire time. The world through his view goes blurry, a lump forming in the back of his throat. Fugo takes deep breaths to steady himself, and instead of berating him, you wipe away his tears with the pad of your thumb. Whispering reassurances into his ear, combing through his tousled hair with your fingers. Fugo wipes at his eyes furiously, cursing himself for breaking down in front of you of all people. He’s overwhelmed with gratitude when you decide not to comment on it further, to save him the embarrassment. Your words echo within his head like a holy mantra, a promise that he’ll hold onto. 

If there were ever a reality where you looked down at him with disdainful eyes, he’d hate himself. 

iii.

Wandering aimlessly isn’t the worst part.

No, that’d be letting himself off too easy. It’s not the sleepless nights, tossing and turning while his stomach churns, or even the tear-stained pillowcases. When walking around Naples, all he can do is submerge himself to the shadows. There’s shame in the act of hiding, and it’s all he’s come to know. Seeing the light of day feels too good for someone like him, someone who had been abandoned by everyone he cared about and was too cowardly to prevent it. It’s a suitable punishment to wallow in his own self-pity and loneliness, cursing his entire existence for the mistakes that haunt him every day. 

It’s always a mistake to come to this café. This is your favorite café, and on days like this, all he can do is watch from afar. There are times he stares at the spot you frequent for hours, waiting to see if you decide to stop by that day or not. In a way, it’s almost better when you don’t. He doesn’t get a taste of what he’s missing out on, a forbidden fruit that he’s too ashamed to reach for. Most of the time you come here alone, with your favorite pastry and coffee, scrolling on your phone or laptop before leaving. He’s seen you meet with Mista a few times, even Trish once, but it’s mostly Giorno who accompanies you. 

Today you’re on your lonesome, speaking to someone over the phone and then hanging it up with a smile. Fugo can’t help but wonder, who is it that makes you smile like that? As he sits from afar, drowning in his anguish, it’s what plagues him the most. That used to be the smile he saw on a daily basis, the one that made him fall head over heels in love. Now he’s too afraid to approach you, in fear of what you may say, or do. Even what you wouldn’t do would hurt. Would you look at him in pity, or curse him for his cowardly actions? Condemn him for not joining you on that boat, or ignore him all together?

Is it possible… that you’ve simply forgotten all about him? It has been almost two years since the worst day of his life. While he’s caught up in the past, you’ve moved into a brighter future. He doesn’t know how he feels anymore. Surely you deserve any happiness you can get after all the suffering you went through, but the thought of you being happy without him stings. It digs talons into Fugo’s heart, ripping it out of his chest. One of these days, he tells himself, he’ll work up the strength to speak to you. Even if it’s but a moment. 

Though some part of him knows he’ll never be able to face you. Not anymore.

v.

It’s early in the afternoon. Chatter from other patrons reverberates off the tastefully decorated walls, in a restaurant that Fugo’s been to numerous times. This particular visit is different than the ones years ago. Instead of the bustling atmosphere he’d grown used to, there are only two people at the table. Where laughter and lighthearted conversations before work used to occur, there’s nothing but silence save for some polite discussion. Fugo’s throat feels persistently dry, no matter how much water he gulps down. 

Giorno sits across from him, legs folded and nursing a glass of iced tea the waiter brought seconds prior. Maintaining eye contact with the revered Don of Passione is no simple task. It’s a daunting experience, regardless of Giorno’s insistence on no formalities being necessary when interacting with one another. Fugo holds immense respect for him, otherwise, he wouldn’t be willingly sitting here right now. Still, his mouth is set in a straight line, leg bouncing underneath the table. Respect isn’t enough to snuff out the uncomfortable memories that appear up in this room, suffocating him from the inside out. 

“Is there a reason I’m here?” The words come out more forcefully than he intended, Fugo’s eyes darting around his familiar surroundings, looking for something he won’t find. Someone he won’t find. He’s grateful to Giorno for his benevolence, as speaking this way to someone who’s technically his boss isn’t advisable. Someone as sharp as Fugo knows this better than most, but he also knows Giorno. While not understanding him entirely, his actions make logical sense in the grand scheme of things. 

Being in Giorno’s position means being busy. Every second of the day has to be taken advantage of, whether it be discussing with other mafioso about recent happenings or plans, making multiple phone calls, and plenty of other headache-inducing tasks. So it doesn’t make much sense to Fugo why Giorno called him this morning, asking to meet him in person for lunch. While the two aren’t on bad terms, he doesn’t feel deserving of the specially allotted time. And in his gut, he feels there’s a hidden justification for the meeting that he’s yet to uncover. A few unpleasant theories come to mind, but they only serve to unnerve Fugo further, so he stuffs them down. 

“I wasn’t sure of the best way to deal with Purple Haze. Your Stand… you’re already aware of the potential consequences it could’ve posed, so I won’t rehash it more than necessary,” Giorno begins to offer his insight into the matter, finally revealing the true reason Fugo was called out here today. “There were a variety of methods that could’ve been used, with varying degrees of success, but I took a gamble. Ultimately, she didn’t want you to suffer anymore.”

Fugo feels his heart drop, jaw slackening despite his best efforts. “Who… who do you mean?” 

At this, Giorno quirks an eyebrow up. As if to wordlessly say, you know who. 

“It might not be my place to delve into your past,” Giorno continues with a serious air, contrasted by his closed-mouth smile. Fugo never knows for certain what Giorno’s plotting behind that smile, and a part of him wants to remain oblivious. “But for you to overcome it, and in turn gain total control over Purple Haze, it must be addressed.”

He can guess where this is going, and he doesn’t like it. Giorno gives him a moment to consider the words, briefly glancing at his buzzing phone and then returning his attention back to Fugo. It’s a subtle change in body language, how Giorno’s shoulders stiffen just slightly as if he’s anticipating something. Fugo loosens the tie around his neck, the pair returning to tense silence. While the Don made valiant attempts in loosening him up, it only served to make Fugo more suspicious. All of his fears are confirmed when he overhears two voices from the room over, one of them sending his heart racing.

That’s… that you and Mista speaking to one another. He knows your voice better than he knows any other sound on the planet, even if it’s been years since he’s heard it up this close. Fugo still dreams of you, the way you used to stumble over certain Neapolitan lingo, or how wonderful it sounded when you graced his ears with a laugh. Now, he’s unsure of what to feel when hearing the muffled conversation between you and Mista. The sound grows closer, and with it, his dread. After rejoining Passione at Giorno’s behest, Fugo knew this reunion couldn’t be avoided. Nothing could prepare him for it. 

There’s a telltale gasp when you turn the corner, spotting the back of someone you haven’t seen since you were a teenager. Someone who you used to hold in high esteem, who practically fell off the face of the earth after betraying the old boss. While Mista had hastily given you the details on the car ride over, it still felt too surreal, like a cruel joke. There’s a lot that weighs down on your heart, like stones wrapped around your ankles, dragging you into the depths. The details Giorno gave you about Fugo’s whereabouts were purposefully vague, most likely in consideration of your past feelings. 

“Fugo…?” 

You’re by his side before he can even process it, bending down and wrapping his stiff shoulders into a warm embrace. He doesn’t reciprocate it or stop you, his thoughts not capable of rationalizing what’s going on. Fugo can’t bring himself to look up at your countenance, in fear of what he’ll see staring back at him. That you’re even hugging him means you must pity him, viewing him as a scared little boy who was too weak to do what was necessary. It’s the only explanation that makes sense to him, and why he can’t return your affections. While it’s no longer his place to desire anything from you, not after all his shortcomings, he silently prays. That there may be some part of you that still cares for him, in the same way he has loved you from afar. 

“I’m so glad you’ve come back.” you sniffle, emotions swirling and enveloping you. You lift your hand, using your finger to swipe away forming tears. That’s when Fugo sees it. It doesn’t hit him at first as one would expect. No, it’s a prickling sensation that starts from his chest and spreads throughout his body like a virus. His body feels ice cold, like a corpse clinging onto shreds of life, consumed from the inside out by sorrow. Nausea comes in waves, tempting him to flee from this heart-wrenching scene and never look back. Your hand falls back to your side, and Fugo’s eyes follow it with precision, unable to look away.

There’s a rose gold band on your ring finger. 

Of course. Looking at you here, it makes sense why this would happen. Your body has filled out, beauty like that of an angel. The ability to draw people in and befriend them like a glowing aura has always been your strong suit, it was warm enough to thaw the ice around Fugo’s heart. It’d be a fool’s prayer to beg God to keep you for himself, and still, he had tried. Now that leaves the burning question, who? Who was the person that erased himself from your mind, taking the place that was carved out specifically for him? He looks at your beaming face, searching for answers he won’t find outright. 

Your perfume is the same as it was before. Light and floral, but mixed with a hint of something new. Of someone new. It sickens him, the scent dizzying as it taunts him. Where has he smelled this before? It’s on the tip of his tongue, fizzling out before coming into fruition. The words you speak next are drowned out by Fugo’s throbbing head, too absorbed with dark thoughts to process them. He needs to know. He has to know. Fugo looks over your shoulder to Mista in search of answers, the gunslinger holding an uncharacteristically grim expression. They hold eye contact, Fugo staring at him with potent intensity. 

Give me a hint. Anything, please.

Not everyone gives Mista the credit he deserves for being observant. Fugo must’ve looked like he’d seen a ghost, Mista swallowing at the pale complexion and vacant eyes. Believing that his intentions weren’t clear enough, Fugo almost looks away. Before he gets the opportunity, Mista offers a slight inclination of the head. Fugo closes his eyes, all his strength going into holding himself together. Picking up the shards of glass that maintain his emotions, hands growing bloody in the process. It’s a subtle movement, though there’s no denying in what direction it went, as much as Fugo wished otherwise.

Towards Giorno. 

You move towards your seat, realizing Fugo must be going through a lot of emotions of his own. The last thing you need to do is suffocate him when it’s clear he’s processing the unfolding events. “I don’t know the last time you came here, but they recently added more desserts. I’m partial to the zeppole… it’s so light and fluffy.” 

Mista walks over, taking a seat next to the befuddled Fugo, and speaking up to ease the uncomfortable silence that resonates in the room. “I’m starving, haven’t had anything to eat all day. Let’s get the waiter over here.”

While he flags down a passing employee, Fugo’s eyes follow your form. The table is different than how it used to be. Abbacchio would be sipping on wine, no matter the time of day. Bucciarati wouldn’t always be sitting down for long, seeing as he had lots of work to do, but he always made time for a good meal. Narancia loved conversing with you, seeing as you had lots of knowledge of the English music he was so partial to. You always sat next to Fugo, who’d lightly reprimand Narancia for being more passionate about rap than his studies, or telling Mista to knock it off with the unappetizing conversations he loved to start. 

Now, you take the chair next to Giorno, who had pulled it out in kind when you walked over.

You said you’d wait for him, and Fugo fooled himself into believing that statement would last a lifetime. He always had regrets about not joining his team on the boat that day, too many to count. A new one has sprouted up like a weed, strangling his heart. If he had joined you, would it have been him you’d have married? Would it be him that you’d look at with that dazzling expression instead, the one that he had grown used to seeing? Now that he knows the full extent of the truth, Fugo wonders how he could have ever been so blind. Even Giorno -- who often smiled just for show -- had unmistakably lightened up as soon as you entered the room. 

This… This is Fugo’s despair.

The rest of lunch goes as smoothly as it can. He forces himself to speak when spoken to, Mista kindly filling the room with conversation to prevent any awkwardness. This can’t end fast enough. He needs to get out of here, to excuse him before he does something truly stupid. A serpent whispers temptations of evil into his ear, and he doesn’t want to tune them out. Not anymore. Now isn’t the time to pull any idiotic stunts, so he remains still as a statue. When all is said and done, Fugo can’t get up from the table to dismiss himself any faster. He pays the necessary respects to his Don, swiftly offering his goodbyes. With his back turned, he hears your voice call out to him in the darkness.

“I’ll see you later, right?” you ask in between bites of your dessert, the words meaning more for him than you. He doesn’t know. He’s not certain of anything anymore, even after making up his mind on returning to Passione. The situation has taken a turn for the worst, in a way he couldn’t stomach any longer. So for now, he’ll offer up an unconvincing response, not capable of looking back at you. 

At the reminder of all his failures.

“... Of course.” 

[werevulvi]

I hope these show up in the right order. This kinda stuff is exactly what makes me feel lost about my transness. Like I was just trying to be nice and agreed with this person's post. I had no interest in being an asshole or arguing what bio sex, or even what butch, is. I was just declaring myself as a bio female because it felt relevant to the topic and how I relate to it. It amazes me how even the pro self-ID types are against self-ID when someone identifies in a way that doesn't suit their narrative, even when it's a trans person whose identity they deny.

They blocked me and I don't want anyone going after them, I just wanna rant. And not even about this specific post or person, but more so about trying to exist as a gender critical trans person in general. I've been thinking about that for days, weeks, perhaps months or even years already, so it's really not about this specific person. I guess it was just what triggered me to finally start writing.

I guess I feel like both most other trans people and most other gender critical people, view transness as incompatible with gender critical opinions, and like that makes me feel pulled in two opposing directions. But anyone of any ideology can be dysphoric and transition because it helps them cope. I don't think that my opinions, or my choice to hang out with radfems, means that I'm self-hating, or even that I'm going against the needs of my own trans demographic. My own trans demographic is just all too good at confusing wants with needs... generally speaking. I see sex and gender the way I do because it makes sense to me personally, and I don't even argue that it's necessarily the objective truth. I don't think there is such a thing. It's just my truth, my perception of the world.

That I can't make myself see myself as a man for real, despite my dysphoria and transition, doesn't mean that I think it's wrong to transition, or that my body is damaged by it, or that transitioning is useless. Because it's not. I love my transition and everything it has given me. I'm comfortable with my transitioned body. It deserves love, especially my love. And although I still struggle with some insecurities, I feel like I love my body. It's been... incredibly good to me. It's stayed very healthy, and even keeping up a strong immune system despite my smoking, self harm, careless sexual escapades, etc. I may still have a fraught relationship with being female, but as long as I transition, I seem to be managing it fairly well. Except then I have a more fraught relationship with society instead. Can't win, but that's life, innit?

I don't think either my transness or my political opinions are my real problem or ever was. I think it's society's constant fighting about trans people's genders, lives and choices, that makes me constantly cave in on myself. Can't handle the pressure.

It feels like it's only ever getting worse. Ten years ago my biggest concern was people not ever finding me attractive because I was turning myself into some kind of a freak, which luckily I was proven to be wrong about. Five years ago my biggest concern was nonbinary people trying to normalize asking people their pronouns, which made me fear that people would never leave me alone about my gender, unless I forced myself to be hyper-masculine, which I still worry about. Three years ago my biggest concern was having been stripped of my sex-based rights and dehumanized for how I had chosen to treat my dysphoria, which I still worry about as well, and now...

...my biggest concerns are being treated as a third gender, fetishistic predator who should be shoved away into gender neutral spaces, and I fear that one day medical transition will be taken away as an option to treat dysphoria if transness is continued to be rejected as a medical condition. My heart rate is ever increasing. Can I even realistically "just go on with my life" anymore? I feel compelled to do something, but I also feel like there isn't anything I can do. No matter how many people I try to "educate" about dysphoria and why transition is incredibly important, all the while being as humble as I can, I am seriously lacking behind the much faster spread of harmful misinformation.

Thing is, I do not blame gender critical people for spreading some of that misinformation. For example of trans women as fetishistic predators, which people apply to trans men when they still fail to understand that MtF is not the only kinda trans there is, or when we dare to be just a little bit feminine while passing as male. If anything, I blame the true sources of such harmful claims, which slowly increase my anxious heart rate, over years, turning into decades, of living as openly trans. I blame opportunistic men who pretend to be trans women for gaining access to women's spaces, be it prisons, spas, shelters, sports, what have you, when they cannot possibly be dysphoric judging by how happily they swing their dicks around women as if it's no big deal and make no attempt at transitioning, but also who cares if they are dysphoric, no one should behave that way either way. I blame the trans rights activists who say lesbians have to suck dick if it's attached to a trans woman, and those who say that gay men have to be into pussy and date trans men. I blame those who say that trans women are bio female by virtue of identifying as female, and claiming that they can get periods, by virtue of... bowel cramps?! I'd also blame those who try to change female specific language on behalf of shielding trans men from our own dysphoria, in the rare cases we'd end up getting pregnant or manage to drag our asses to the gyno office for a pap smear, which... most of us really don't, regardless of if you call us women or uterus-havers, sincerely, please stop. It makes people think trans women are trying to take over the term "woman" entirely for themselves, which of course they don't.

I could go on, but I won't, as this post is not about these things. It's more so about how estranged I feel from the people who spout these things, knowing that they think they're speaking for me and my supposed needs as a tranny. But I see no point in trying to educate them, as they won't listen any more to me than they would to a radfem, and again, I think this post in my screenshots shows just how unwilling they are to listen to me.

I guess living with my transition on constant display is what's hard, and I guess I just need to vent about that, as it's always judged one way or the other; as either me having made myself into a man, or that I'm a delusional woman who mutilated herself; and it's kinda hard to find a kind and sane middle ground, that perhaps I'm just a victim of circumstances, and trying to make the most of my own life, regardless of what the fuck I am. That social shit, on top of dealing with dysphoria, makes it really difficult to not hate myself, I guess. But I have tried to live stealth and that made it if possible even worse, as it felt like I was lying, keeping a huge secret that grew in me like a spreading virus.

What I want is to just live my life, and for neither my bio sex, nor my transition, to stop me from doing that. I want to work through the worst of my autism, enough to be able to pursue a career in some low-paying labor, blue-collar job; get a car and driver's licence, find a suitable husband to have a child and cats with; I want my own garden, an art studio; I want to build muscle to become strong and even more independent (and perhaps strong enough to carry that husband, but at least to carry myself), and so on. When I picture myself in that potential future, it is with this male-like appearance I transitioned my body into, but it is also as a mother and wife.

And thinking about all of that makes me happy, it makes me smile and feel joy, meaningfulness, hope... While thinking about arguing online with some miserable fuck, who's deadset on arguing semantics and calling me a terf, when all I wanted was to show a little bit of kindness, that "hey, I agree with you, you make a good point here, and I'm not here to fight" only to be spat right back into my face... just makes me feel sad. Whatever happened to diversity of opinion? It's gone, it became labeled as bad, and left people like me with no place to be.

There is no point in arguing with such people, or even trying not to argue. There's no winning in that, there's no reward, no accomplishment. It's better to walk away.

I know I just have to get over this, this inner conflict of going against my transness with my gender critical opinions, and that I'm going against my womanhood with my transition - and be stronger than the political climate that's pulling me into pieces. But if it's peace that I want... I can just forget about it. There's no road there. But I have trouble letting go of that simple dream. The internet is constantly manipulating me into thinking I have an exciting social life, when in fact it's non-existent, and the lie is destructive. With internet vs real life, I'm living a double life. One of those lives has a future, the other one does not.

I'm glad I made this rant. It actually made me feel better, and reminded me that it's still worth it. Being trans, moving forward, focusing on what is good and what can become good in life. And it reminded me that the internet is merely an imitation of life, a substitute for human connection, and can... as with much else, be both good and bad.

[ayuuria]

Yashahime Translation: Animage November 2020 Issue

Please do not repost this translation without my consent! @officialinuyasha will be making a video version of this so stay tuned!

The Three Girls’ Incident Fill Journey

While carrying the expectations of “Inuyasha” fans, the story of the 3 girls begins to move. What sort of fate awaits the 3 girls with different personalities and grew up in different eras?

The original anime that succeeds the world of “Inuyasha”, “Hanyou no Yashahime”, has finally begun broadcast! (We are) sure there were a lot of people who were surprised after watching episode 1. Afterall, not only were the trio of protagonists on screen, but also the characters of “Inuyasha”, Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, Sango, and Sesshomaru, were freely moving around!

In episode 1, the story started with Towa being told the story of Inuyasha and Kagome (A priestess who came from ‘Tokyo’ 10 years ago and the half demon that exterminated demons with her) while she was captured at the Kanto region’s governor-general’s mansion of Ougigayatsu-Hiiragi. As Inuyasha and others live while exterminating demons, after ending the battle with the half demon, Naraku, it is said they fought a demon called Root Head… Familiar scenes are jammed together showing everyone’s traits such as the black Tessaiga unleashing Meidozangetsuha and Kagome’s “sit”. It truly was a festive curtain opening.

However, this was just the prologue of the Yashahime’s adventure since as Setsuna’s voice actress, Komatsu Mikako, put it “Episode 2 is the first episode “Hanyou no Yashahime”. A “new age of feudal fairytale” with the 3 girls has finally begun!

Moroha Inuyasha and Kagome’s quarter-demon daughter. She makes a living as a bounty hunter. She doesn’t have any memories of her parents, but she inherited “demonic powers” and “spiritual powers of a priestess”.

It really is the daughter of Inuyasha and Kagome! Moroha’s voice actress: Tadokoro Azusa

“Moroha is Inuyasha and Kagome’s daughter so from the time I auditioned for her, I wanted to incorporate elements from the two of them. I focused on things like how Inuyasha sits like a dog and his beast like manner when he speaks as well as Kagome’s strength as a woman and her suppleness. However, when I really thought about it, I thought the two of them had similar dispositions. It’s like they became similar as they journeyed together. Things like the kindness of when they end up saving people and how quickly the blood rushes to their heads when angered; (these) are traits they both have. That is why I thought Moroha might be like that too. I truly thought she was a child born from Inuyasha and Kagome from how emotional she is and how lightly she carries her body.”

Setsuna Towa’s younger twin sister. She is a member of the demon slayers and has a calm, collected personality. She was separated from Towa when she was young and does not remember anything from that time.

Staying calm while thinking of Sesshomaru Setsuna’s voice actress: Komatsu Mikako

“I was directed to “remember the way Narita Ken played Sesshomaru” when it came time to play Setsuna. During the audition, I did a version that had a cool aura at the forefront and a version that focused a little on being a realistic girl. At first I wasn’t sure which one to go with so I acted lightly but was told “More deeper, it’s okay to have a threatening quality in your voice.” Now I diligently act with complete collectedness while thinking of Sesshomaru. While I haven’t done any recording work with Narita-san yet, I worked with him a little over a year ago on a different work where we had a parent/child role so I can’t wait to show how happy I am to be his daughter again (laughs).”

Higurashi Towa Sesshomaru’s daughter and Setsuna’s older twin sister. She time traveled to the modern era when she was little. She excels at martial arts to the point that she can beat up gangs by herself.

She is good at fighting but she is still a regular girl Towa’s voice actress: Matsumoto Sara

“Since Towa spent 10 years under Papa Souta and does not remember her real parents, I think she’s more of a Modern girl than a Feudal girl. The first audition tape I submitted, I really focused on her being the daughter of Sesshomaru and had her sounding completely boyish. However afterwards I was told “Sounds too much like a boy.” Based on that, I think I got it just right with sounding like a 14-year-old middle school girl who’s good at fighting. Also just like Mikako-san, I have played a role as Narita-san’s daughter in a different work. As of now, I’m curious to see if there will be any parent/child interactions from here on.”

Cycling in Feudal Lands!?

The figures of Towa and Setsuna riding a bicycle while Moroha follows after them reminds one of the scene that unfolded in “Inuyasha”. In episode 1, Towa was presented with Kagome’s bicycle seat at Ougigayatsu-Hiiragi mansion. Does that mean a bicycle will be a key item in “Yashahime”?

Round Table Discussion with the Cast of the 3 Girls

The 3 of them who grew up influenced by “Inuyasha”

Everyone, (speaking) purely as “Inuyasha” fans. First, please tell us your favorite character or episode from “Inuyasha”

Matsumoto: Once we start talking about “Inuyasha”, forget the interview time, we’re going be talking past midnight! (laughs) For me, my favorites were Miroku and Naraku.

Tadokoro: Miroku! He’s precocious!

Komatsu: You liked Naraku?!

Matsumoto: First, I was overwhelmed by Miroku’s adult sexiness. I loved that fraudulent part of him. You know how whenever the air got tense within the Inuyasha group, Miroku would chime in with “Now then” and the air would soften. I felt that that was really cool. Back then, I ended up drawing Miroku’s wind tunnel on my hand and copying him (laughs).

Komatsu and Tadokoro: I did that too~! (in unison)

Matsumoto: On the other end, I felt charmed by how Naraku was too evil. I thought “There’s someone this evil!”.  I was shocked that even though he was originally human, as a result of getting all sorts of humans and demons involved, he became like that. I became completely enamored by the “true villain”.

Komatsu: If I were to speak in terms of Naraku’s faction, I loved Kagura.

Matsumoto and Tadokoro: Aah~ Kagura~!  (in unison)

Komatsu: Naraku is an existence that became a demon from the negative aspects of humans such as tenacity and envy. Yet from that, Kagura in a sense was born with a human like heart and I felt that that was attractive. Her life was always in Naraku’s hands. In reality, she wanted to join Inuyasha’s side but she couldn’t. Even so she wanted to be free like the wind and ironically at the end, she became the wind by Naraku’s hand. Then, in her last moments when she met Sesshomaru she said “I got to see you”….!

Matsumoto and Tadokoro: Yeah~!!

Komatsu: Kagura was the only character on the enemy’s side that I liked. On Inuyasha’s side, I’d have to say I liked the Inuyasha and Kagome pair. “Inuyasha” had a romance element to it; for me it was both a shounen and shoujo manga and it was a work that was truly like a textbook on life. I did things like ask my parents to make the Japanese style room in our house “my room” and bought folding fans because I said “I want to become a wind user too!”

Tadokoro: Mine is mainstream but I liked Sesshomaru.

Matsumoto and Komatsu: Aah~ Lord Sesshomaru~!!

Komatsu: Well our Papa is too cool.

Tadokoro: I can’t go against that charm. He doesn’t say much but despite it all, he does look out for the others. At first, he kept going after Inuyasha in order to take his sword but in the end, he ended up helping Inuyasha grow right? Something like that (laughs).

Matsumoto: He’s too tsundere!

Tadokoro: Exactly! Rin obviously but despite everything, he does consider Jaken important. My favorite episode was the one where Rin gets taken into the underworld.

Matsumoto and Komatsu: I feel you!

Tadokoro: To think that that Sesshomaru would say “There’s nothing that could ever be worth trading Rin’s life for”… I think that was the moment everyone fell for Sesshomaru (laughs). Also Kohaku. He went through something extremely painful and continued to suffer for a long time so that makes him do unnecessary things. He tends to value his life poorly and because of that, there are a lot of scenes where he’s saved by others. At first I thought “Please stop”, however in the anime because of Yajima Akiko’s voice, I really felt “It’s not that he’s getting in everyone’s way, he just takes action because he’s tormented”. Yajima-san’s acting of Kohaku is what made me want to be become a voice actor so I have a lot of feelings this character. When I saw him become an adult in “Hanyou no Yashahime”, I had this feeling of “Thank you for choosing to live”.

There is no end to the “Inuyasha“ talk. Then please tell us your impression of “Hanyou no Yashahime”. Did all of you audition for all 3 girls?

Tadokoro: I only did Moroha for the tape audition but afterwards I did all 3 girls in the studio audition. It’s just that there’s the fact that I just did Moroha for the tape so I was interested in her the most. My very first impression was that I was moved when I saw that the child born from Inuyasha and Kagome was this girl, and I was so happy to see their child. She really looks like them and she’s so lively that I thought she would actually come to life. I arbitrarily thought “I wonder if she’s living a happy life?”.

Matsumoto: I only auditioned for Towa. From her appearance, I thought she was cool but before anything else I was so shocked at the idea of “Sesshomaru’s daughter” that I was at a complete loss. I was like “S-Sesshomaru had a d-daughter…?!” (laughs)

All: (Laughs)

Matsumoto: I ended up thinking “How did he give birth when he’s a guy?”

Komatsu: With Sesshomaru, I can certainly see him doing something like cutting off his hair and breathing life into by blowing on it (laughs).

Matsumoto: I can see that smoking up and turning into a baby (laughs). While Towa has a twin sister named Setsuna, there was that setting of Towa spent time in the modern era. I felt there was a lot of ground for thought like “What happened between her and Setsuna?” or “Do they have different personalities?”.

Komatsu: In my case, when I received the notice for the audition, I only saw the title “Hanyou no Yashahime” and thought “This is going to be a title like “Inuyasha”” (laughs). When I read the explanation it really had “a work that succeeds the world of “Inuyasha”” written on it so I was really surprised. Not only that but it had the catch phrase “Sesshomaru has a daughter” so I was like “That Sesshomaru!?”. In any case, I was completely surprised. For the audition, I only did Setsuna but upon seeing the documents, her facial features and the white fluff (moko moko) around her neck, I thought she really is the daughter of Sesshomaru. In the audition manuscript, there were a few lines that showed that she didn’t seem to really remember her father but her closed off aura gave me the sense of ‘like father, like daughter’.

As you got into acting your roles, have there been any changes from your first impression?

Komatsu: Each of their backbones are slowly being dug up but among them, there a lot of scenes where you can tell that Towa has been heavily influenced by the modern era from having lived there so long.

Matsumoto: Yes. There’s a contrast like when they’re confronted by a demon; Towa will pull back where as Setsuna and Moroha will go on the offensive. Also when Towa hesitates to make the final blow, the two of them scold her.

Komatsu: For Setsuna and Moroha, exterminating demons is a job but for Towa, she exterminates demons with the idea of saving others. Hence, due to the difference in their way of thinking, they butt heads but as the 3 of them spend more time together, their sense of comradery will gradually deepen… I feel my impression is slowly changing as the story progresses like how Setsuna surprisingly participates in the joke scenes and how they move as a 3 person team.

Tadokoro: With Moroha’s change, I was first directed with “It’s okay to make it sillier”. Actually, while she does act on her emotions like a child and she can be a little stupid, in battle she’ll give out directions like “Do this” and I think she’s good at assisting. Based on appearances, Towa and Setsuna seem like they would be better at combat but the fact that Moroha has a sharp mind is something that surprised me.

Matsumoto: My impression of Towa hasn’t really changed but I’m curious to see how Towa will adapt to the Feudal Era and how the 3 of them will work as one. Even when Towa returns to the Feudal Era, it’s not like she forgets the modern era and she will show things to Setsuna, Moroha, and Takechiyo like “In the modern era, we have something like this”. Towa doesn’t seem to find it hard to go from the modern era to the Feudal Era and when recording began, I once again thought “It’s like this afterall”.

Komatsu: … I think the way Towa closes the gap between herself and others is similar to “that person”.

Matsumoto: You just made a big statement like it was nothing!

Komatsu: I thought the way Towa concerns herself with Setsuna and Setsuna responding with “Shut up! Leave me alone!” was a relationship similar to that of their parents… If you look at Towa, I think you can figure out who the mother is.

Tadokoro: Definitely get an idea. Then how about the possibility of Jaken? (laughs)

Matsumoto: The ‘Jaken is the mother’ theory huh! (laughs) What makes me get emotional is when even though Setsuna pushes Towa away and goes on ahead, she’ll stop, look back, and watch Towa complain behind her. She’s just like her father when she does that!

Komatsu: I feel! She’s totally concerned about her.

Tadokoro: To Moroha, despite what Towa and Setsuna say to eachother, they’re pretty lovey-dovey so she feels a little “left out”.

All: (laughs)

Matsumoto: The other day when we were recording a preview, Azusa-san said to me “Towa really doesn’t call for Moroha does she.” When I thought about it, it’s true that there’s a lot of “Setsuna and I did this” sort of talk (laughs).

Tadokoro: Moroha’s there too~! (laughs)

Matsumoto: To Towa, Setsuna is very precious. Even though Setsuna and Moroha are veterans when it comes to surviving in the Feudal Era, Towa still wants to be an older sister to Setsuna. That aspect is pretty amusing.

That is definitely something to keep an eye on in future broadcasts. Now then, please tell us your thoughts on episode 1 that was broadcasted.

Komatsu: The story of “Inuyasha” since then was drawn so I don’t suppose fans felt as if they had “come home”? I think it was a first episode that was like “First of all, welcome back and welcome to a new world of Inuyasha!”

Tadokoro: It really is moving isn’t it… I was also really excited for the broadcast.

Matsumoto: All the more since during the recording, the different casts recorded their scenes separately, so we never got to watch the “Inuyasha” cast acting directly.

Komatsu: Also there were nostalgic scenes that were just as they were in the original anime which is something that got me excited.

Matsumoto: There were. From episode 2 onwards, there will be lingering remnants of demons that appeared in “Inuyasha”. When past scenes come in, I myself become moved like “There was a scene like that!”

Komatsu: Episode 2 in a sense is the first episode of “Hanyou no Yashahime”. The first enemy demon that appears is a little similar to the first demon that appeared in “Inuyasha” so I think that’s a point that will make fans happy.

Tadokoro: Also in the TV anime, demons that appeared in scenes in the original work will also appear as “Hanyou no Yashahime” versions. That also makes me emotional.

Episode 2 onwards will be exciting for production key points that strike “Inuyasha” fans. Even in this edition’s illustration (P. 36-37), connecting with the bicycle Kagome was always rode in “Inuyasha”, we have a bicycle and the 3 girls.

Matsumoto: My heart is skipping seeing Setsuna wrap her hands around Towa’s waist.

Komatsu: She’s really looking (at her)! (laughs) Within the work, Setsuna hasn’t opened up to Towa yet but I wonder how much time has passed for the gap between them to close like this?

Tadokoro: Setsuna’s completely riding like a “girlfriend”! Moroha’s been taken off the bicycle (laughs)

Komatsu: We need to attach a side car to the bicycle for her (laughs)

Do you have any situations that you want to see illustrations of from here on?

Komatsu: I want to see everyone in a school uniform!

Matsumoto: Yes! Please put Moroha in Kagome’s sailor uniform.

Tadokoro: Yeah, I definitely want to see her wear that! Going along that line, I want to see Towa and Setsuna dressed like Lord Sesshomaru.

Matsumoto: Each one dressed like their parents, I like that. Not just a sailor uniform for Moroha but also in a priestess’s attire too.

Tadokoro: She has black hair so I’m sure it will look good on her.

Matsumoto: Moroha and Setsuna normally have their hair tied back so I want to see them with their hair down.

Komatsu: A situation where the 3 of them are in a hot spring. There were scenes like that in “Inuyasha” where there were monkeys in the hot spring. (laugh)

Matsumoto: Me personally, I want to see Setsuna and Moroha fully dressed in modern clothes. Something like all 3 of them going to an amusement park.

Komatsu: I want to see them taking tests for school!

Q. What do you think will happen when Towa and Setsuna reunite with Sesshomaru?

Komatsu: First, what will they call Sesshomaru? Will they call him “Father”? To begin with, I’ve been curious as to if Sesshomaru was the one who named them.

Tadokoro: That’s true. Who did name them?

Komatsu: “Towa = Eternity” and “Setsuna = Moment” … What sort of meaning do these complete opposite names have?

Matsumoto: I feel Setsuna’s is more fleeting. The wild ideas (translators note: head cannons to put it in western terms) won’t stop.

Tadokoro: Kagome’s was too but the names tend to have an uneasy nuance implied about them. For Moroha, the words “Double edged sword” and “Fragile” can have a close resemblance. There was a meaning to Kagome’s name so I tend to think there’s also a meaning in Towa, Setsuna, and Moroha. Also, Moroha’s red clothes is the robe of the fire rat Inuyasha wore that apparently, she remodeled herself so I’m really curious about that. Is it by chance… a memento? I don’t want that~!!

Q. Among the 3 of you, who resembles their character the most?

Komatsu: Probably Towa (Matsumoto)? Her aura is similar to Towa in a gutsy, cheerful sense. It doesn’t feel like an “act” when she’s acting.

Tadokoro: Me too, my first thought was Towa. I thought they looked similar in appearances.

Matsumoto: That makes me so happy….! There are times where I feel I’m similar to Towa but I think everyone has something similar (to their characters). I feel like Azusa-san is mischievous and sparkling like Moroha and Komatsu-san has Setsuna’s cool beauty.

Komatsu: No, I have zero coolness within me (laughs). I think the rock essence that Koroazu (referring to Tadokoro) has during a concert performance is close to Moroha!

Tadokoro: That’s true, I try to bring out a wild flavor (laughs).

Episode 1 Play Back: Inuyasha Since Then

Inuyasha and Kagome exterminated Root Head with there superb combination (?)… or so it was thought, but in actuality, it entangled itself with the roots of the Sacred Tree/Tree of Ages deep within the earth. The still living Root Head extends its roots to the fates of Towa, Setsuna, and Moroha. And the true identity of Munehisa, who told the tale, comes to light as the demon Yotsume (the 4 eyed owl). Just what is he is something to keep an eye on from here on.

Inuyasha Moroha’s half-demon father. After winning the battle against Naraku, he chose to live together with Kagome in the Feudal Era. He also drove back Root Head combining his power with Kagome’s but…

Sesshomaru A greater demon who is Towa and Setsuna’s father. While Inuyasha was fighting Root Head, he did not lend a hand but rather he quietly watched over Sango’s house where Rin was taking refuge.

[casually-inlove]

19 Days Character Archetypes. He Tian

This idea had been dancing around the back of my mind for a little over half a year now. I wanted to compare and contrast 19 Days characters with the list of archetypes proposed in the neo-Jungian research and finally, I got some time to spare. For this post, I am going to talk about He Tian. Before I begin, however, let me clarify a few things. Since the subject is fairly complex, I do not intend to write in detail about the theory itself or the studies mentioned because that is not the purpose of this post. I am only looking to give a quick and basic run-down of the common archetypes shared by the 19 Days characters.

What is an archetype? An archetype is a set of predefined characteristics, a mould. Carl Jung described the archetype as a “fundamental unit of a human mind” or a “primordial image”. Simply put, the archetypes are the recurring and simplified patterns — but also symbols. According to his ideas, these basic symbols exist universally irrespective of epochs, nations, cultures, races, places, etc. Jung believed them to be shared by the so-called collective unconsciousness. However, even before him, the philosophers of old introduced the ideas of pre-existing ideal immaterial forms which shape the material reality. Since the archetypes are fundamentally primordial, they permeate every single sphere of human life. Art, media, movies, day to day interactions — all of them deal in archetypes.

While working on his research, Carl Jung defined the driving impulses of the human psyche. In turn, that data helped him come up with underlying basis for human behaviour. Based on his findings, Jung outlined the so-called primary archetypes. Later his research served as a basis for many other studies and classifications, particularly for The 12 Archetype Model, proposed by Margaret Mark and Carol Pearson in “The Hero and the Outlaw”. Naturally, there can be an infinite number of archetypes, each having their subtleties; still, the short lists give the generalized picture. Deconstructing characters to these basic blueprints is a fair game because a character, no matter how complex, is still an abstract entity.

For this series of posts, I am going to rely on the 12 Archetype Model mentioned above. The list goes as follows:

1. The Innocent

2. The Orphan

3. The Hero

4. The Caregiver

5. The Explorer

6. The Rebel

7. The Lover

8. The Creator

9. The Jester

10. The Sage

11. The Magician

12. The Ruler

Having examined this list, I am led to believe that He Tian primarily represents a mixture of The Hero and The Rebel archetypes.

The Hero and The Rebel

Let us start with the most obvious, the Hero. This archetype is closely associated with the ideas of masculinity, and thus it is also referred as the Warrior, the Crusader, etc.

The Hero archetype characteristics

Motto: Where there is a will, there is a way

Core desire: to prove one's worth through courageous acts

Goal: expert mastery in a way that improves the world

Greatest fear: weakness, vulnerability, being a “chicken”

Strategy: to be as strong and competent as possible

Weakness: arrogance, always needing another battle to fight

Talent: competence and courage

These go very much in line with what we know of He Tian. His childhood flashbacks suggest that he indeed intends to be “the strongest”.

The failure to protect the puppy, the harsh words of He Cheng — all of it led him to become fixated on becoming the Hero, the one who swoops down and single-handedly saves the day. It is in the way he stands in to fight She Li for Guanshan or rushes to prevent Jian Yi from getting kidnapped. It is in the way he attempts to resolve the other boy’s problems with debt collectors. It is in the way he deflects the coke can and decides to meet his father for Guanshan's sake.

He Tian yearns to be the strongest because the alternative — being weak and helpless — has already scarred him in the past. Whatever joy he used to have as a child was taken from him, because he was not strong enough to handle things on his own. He entrusted the puppy to his brother and the man betrayed him — or so He Tian was led to believe.

More than that, he wants Guanshan to come to him, whether it’s talking about his complicated past or whether it’s about learning the guitar.

It goes without saying that He Tian is almost eerily good at anything he does — as such he believes he can learn music from scratch in a short time. That speaks volumes about the confidence he has in his capabilities, and yet to an outsider's perspective this might come off as blatant posturing.

Apart from almost baffling self-confidence that he shows, He Tian is also known for his nearly abnormal physical prowess. He managed to hold his ground against several armed adults (which is probably just flawed writing) and way back he even managed to impress Guanshan by effortlessly hopping over the school fence, so it makes one wonder what kind of training he had undergone.

However, the truth is, The Hero is also susceptible to weakness. In his work, Carl Jung has coined the term “The Shadow”, which became a stand-alone archetype in his list. The Shadow stands for our suppressed, ignored or denied traits, in other words, it is everything that we cannot see or refuse to see in ourselves. The concept of this hidden darkness has been since absorbed into a number posterior studies, such as Robert Moore’s and Douglass Gillette’s “King Magician Warrior Lover”, where they introduce triadic paradigms of the archetypes and their corresponding active and passive shadows. Notably, they link the aforementioned archetypes with the concept of “masculinity” and its development throughout adolescence into adulthood.

What is The Shadow to The Hero archetype? When The Hero cannot fulfill their purpose, they surrender to the shadow. The dark side takes their best qualities and transforms them into flaws. The confidence thus turns into arrogance and hubris, courage into foolhardiness, competence into bravado and posturing — or the complete opposite happens. Courage transforms into cowardice, confidence into insecurity, etc.

Whereas He Tian is concerned, before he had developed an emotional attachment to another person (and by doing so gained something to cherish), we could observe some of the definitive shadow patterns in his behaviour. Until he recognized Guanshan as someone to know and to protect, he used to goad the other boy, if not outright assume the position of his superior, demanding obedience and subservience. He Tian also used the snide tone when talking to Guanshan, and he did so in order to establish his power to steer the boy in what he deemed to be the right direction — that is attempting to curb Redhead’s short temper and brashness. And in doing so, he was not shy of subtly threatening the boy or using physical force to make his point.

To be in touch with his masculinity — that is to channel his energy constructively in order to feel strong and needed, — he required to have someone he could play the knight for. Once he could direct his inner impulses properly, his violent tendencies have subsided.

Even so, in his aspiration to be the ultimate good — driven by the hatred for his family background, perhaps — He Tian often opted for doing rash, foolhardy stuff, such as attempting to take on the debt collectors all by himself, for instance. Sure, he would have gotten to “save the day” and be the hero, but that single moment would have cost him his life.

Now, having glanced at the Hero archetype, let us move to the next one, The Rebel. This archetype is characterized by the following:

The Rebel archetype characteristics

Motto: Rules are made to be broken

Core desire: revenge or revolution

Goal: to overturn what is not working

Greatest fear: to be powerless or ineffectual

Strategy: disrupt, destroy, or shock

Weakness: crossing over to the dark side, crime

Talent: outrageousness, radical freedom

The Rebel is also known as the outlaw, the revolutionary, the wild man, the misfit, or iconoclast.

Indeed, He Tian rebels quite a bit in the manhua. First and foremost, his rebellion is directed at his flesh and blood — Mr He and Cheng.

Not much is known about He Tian’s childhood, yet it is pretty clear that he hadn’t exactly had a happy one. His mother died early on and he was left to grow up practically without parents since Mr He is a textbook absentee father. From what He Tian knows, his brother backstabbed him, an act that keeps plaguing their relationship years after, while his father is labeled as a monster — someone who is ostensibly capable of eliminating people who disobey.

It is also clear as the day that young He Tian is traumatized by whatever dealings his family conducts behind the scenes. At some point, we even witnessed a scene where HT is tossed out of the burning yacht, while his brother is covered in blood and holds a gun. A violent experience such as this inevitably leaves a scar — and actually get to see it. He Tian is shown to experience something closely reminiscent of PTSD, recurring violent nightmares, the fear of the dark, etc.

Back in the present day, we see that He Tian wants to put distance between himself and his family. It manifests in living separately from his kin and cutting the contact to a bare minimum. He makes a point of stating that he is independent, severing the ties he deems to be dysfunctional. Yet the same time He Tian cannot quite let go of his familial bonds. In particular, whenever He Cheng is concerned, the boy sneers and flagrantly shows his impetuousness and disrespect.

In many ways he’s practically stomping his feet, attempting to show that he doesn’t need his brother, yet by doing this he proves the opposite: he still yearns his bitter feelings to be validated by He Cheng — and by his father too, to an extent.

This results in bratty behaviour on his part: He Tian orchestrates property damage at the He mansion, impishly rejects Cheng’s gestures of goodwill, etc.That is the work of the Rebel’s “shadow” counterpart — when the desire to overturn things and break free takes on darker shade and slips into dangerous territory. Resisting and opposing then becomes a way of life, and only through it does the “shadow rebel” feel certain of their self. 

He Tian pushes at the boundaries of what is permitted and socially acceptable to feel in control of the situation. If we examine the way He Tian interacts with others, we will see that the shadow manifests in many other ways. He Tian is compelled to stir and instigate others, using his wit and cunning to make them uncomfortable or confused, and thus easy to manipulate to his amusement.

Speaking of socially acceptable behaviour, Chinese culture places a great emphasis on the respect towards senior family members — and I probably cannot stress this enough — He Cheng lets him get away with this lack of reverence. Deep inside He Tian seeks his brother’s approval and attention, but rejects it when he is given, and in the process he sets out to tear down anything that displeases him.

Establishing a connection with Guanshan let He Tian fulfill his Hero potential and channel his energy in constructive ways, and yet at the same time, it allowed him to tap further into his “Shadow” Rebel tendencies. That is, to it rub in into He Cheng’s face that he’s no longer welcome or needed.

Naturally, as a character, He Tian possesses traits of other archetypes — such as The Lover, for instance — albeit to a lesser extent, so I’m not going to dive deep in here. Let me just mention, that as a Lover, He Tian is compelled to increase his attractiveness to his love interest  — we often see him fishing for compliments and validation on Guanshan’s part, which underscores his inner need to feel needed and wanted, yet also turns into clinginess at times.

With that, this quick rundown of He Tian’s character patterns is complete. All in all, you could say that He Tian is fairly archetypal at his core, and yet it’s the combination of these “trite” features that mark him as an utterly realistic and believable character. It is because we’ve seen these archetypes countless times before that He Tian appears to be true to life.

Lastly, this is going to turn into a series of posts, but right now I cannot say when the next part is going to be up since writing this took me some time. In the meantime, you can read a bit more below ✨. 

 A bit more about He Tian | Support me at Ko-Fi 

[resinatingbeauty]

Witchcraft & Expectations

What do you really expect from the Craft?

I had considered writing this for a while before actually doing it just because I didn't want anyone to feel like they were being attacked or singled out. Offending you isn't the purpose of this post, so please do not be discouraged by anything you read here. There is no wrong way of practicing your Craft and to each their own. I was just curious about perspectives when it comes to your expectations regarding Witchcraft, magick, and spirituality as I have dealt with many different people following many different paths since focusing more on my Craft and art through my shop which began on Mercari and grew enough to become more established on Etsy.

I do sell many spiritual / witchy items from personalized spell kits to witchy mystery boxes compiled with Intuitively chosen and my own handmade, one of a kind items. Among the most popular spiritual offerings are my 'buy one get one miniature spell jars,' which allow my customers to select two general purposes or a personalized request from which I assemble and enchant a miniature glass spell jar containing herbs, crystals, essential oils, and other objects based on their needs and requests. I wanted to make these little portable vessel talismans more available to everyone price and purpose wise, compared to others that have been charged with a more specific intent or devoted to a specific deity.

I have a long history of using spell jars myself for various purposes whenever I feel compelled to create one or a special occasion arises. I'm picky about larger jars and bottles, however, so they are usually created in small corked jars or in larger jars that I will sometimes embellish or try new things to integrate that allow the spell jar to also be an appealing or intriguing piece of handmade everyday decor while serving its spiritual purpose, such as the one in the photo above.

For the most part, I have found a surprisingly amount of success with my spell jars. Not just myself, but others as well have reported events that they thought were directly related to their spell jar. I had created one for my neighbor a couple weeks ago who had been searching for a better job than the one she had at a preschool. The day after I gave her the jar, she received a text from an old coworker who notified her that a position at a bank she had applied at months ago that had nothing available at that time had just opened up.

This actually exceeded my expectations. In my experience, magick takes time. Others who have commented on the success of their spell jars or magick in general would contact me a few weeks or so after using their spell kit or receiving their spell jar. I created a spell jar back in January to help jumpstart my small business selling my crafts and Craft and didn't really start to see a huge change until mid-March-April where I was more successful than even I anticipated.

This was about on par with what I expected in terms of time, as most spells I've ever done have taken days, weeks, or even months to start manifesting results that couldn't be passed off or ignored. To be sure, I include a scroll with each of my kits and jars explaining how they are best utilized, to have patience, how to set a purpose and intentions, the power of thinking positively, and that magick rewards those who are willing to work and make sacrifices for what they desire. To me, all of these things are virtues that this path teaches us and are part of what makes the Craft so empowering overall. Whether it was the spell or your hard work, you are the catalyst for change. You made things happen. I mean, what is more empowering than that?

This is part of the reason why I personally chose to over spell kits and magickal tools rather than offering to cast spells or perform rituals on one's behalf. It was my desire to make YOU feel empowered and you are the one ultimately responsible for your own success or failure, whether spiritually or otherwise. I'll gladly steer you down the road of success and provide you with my knowledge, experience, and guidance, but I am always clear about what to expect.

Unfortunately, we live in a time where instant gratification is anticipated and expected, which I never considered in terms of Witchcraft. I knew that no matter how many times I write 'set realistic expectations, focus on your purpose, be patient, and keep doing what your doing' that some people would just blow through all that hoping that they just bought a quick fix for all their problems for $6.99 + a buy one get one deal.

Two weeks or so ago, I had received an order for said jars from a young man who simply said he wanted a personalized spell jar for lucid dreaming and dream work and selected his second 'free' one for self empowerment. I reached out to clarify and answered some of his questions. My immediate impression from him was one of discord. He expressed a lot of turmoil in his life over the past few months and claimed to have taken on a lot of responsibility. He seemed young and eager, with a ton of questions regarding magick in general. I answered his questions the best I could, but reiterated the same values I expressed in the previous paragraph when asked why such and such spell wasn't working, 'should I not have done this,' etc. Magick takes time to manifest, especially when it comes to financial purposes like he explained which are inherently unlikely to resolve themselves overnight.

He seemed happy enough with his purchase and said as much when he received his package. A couple days later, I received a notification about a review he had left which was negative, saying one of his spell jars didn't work with a message delivered in tandem asking what purpose I had set for his spell jar.

Let me say this: I am not upset with him or complaining about his review. He is entitled to his own opinion, although I was annoyed with how quickly he had come to the conclusion when in the instructions I provided him I specifically said that these things take time to work. Anyone who receives results instantly or within the next day or so are exceeding my own expectations. Which is great! Hooray!

But this is definitely not the standard I've come to expect in all the years I've been practicing the Craft.

I continued chatting with and answering this young man's questions and ultimately uncovered that he was upset about a variety of things that had been going on in his life. In his mind, he felt entitled to have these things work for him sooner rather than later and was frustrated and angry that nothing he tried had been working out the way he expected.

In the time that I have opened my little shop, I have (thankfully) only run into one other person like this- where their understanding of Witchcraft seems to have been compiled from television and movies. After the first, I learned to tread lightly around these individuals because, whether it's their fault or not, they have been mislead.

Television shows like old school Charmed and the newer Salem and Witches of East End are really entertaining. I enjoyed watching them, but they are the absolute enemy of those who practice magick / witchcraft as a form of religion or spirituality. Sure, some of these shows actually do their research. Even Buffy the Vampire Slayer was ahead of its time introducing Wiccans, Technopagans, and New Age practices to pop culture and in many ways helped to show people an obscured version of the truth during the 'Satanic Panic' period when even witches hated being called witches and the pentagram / pentacle difference became an actual difference that wasn't just a choice of words.

Newer generations growing up with Harry Potter, which is hardly a great introduction into magickal traditions, were at least more open minded than the previous generation to the actuality of witchcraft and magick as a spiritual practice.

I mean, who doesn't want to snap their fingers and make the house tidy in one fell swoop?

I sure do. But even when I first started practicing at 11 I understood that that just isn't how it is.

This young man who was saying he lead a coven sounded more like he was LARPing than legitimately asking for spiritual guidance. I realized real quick that I couldn't do anything for him. What he wanted and expected, no matter how many times I referenced the instructions I provided (he evidently hadn't acknowledged) and relayed to him my own experience and expectations, he was looking for that 'quick fix' and someone or something to blame for when it didn't work the way he thought it would. The main reason for his complaint? The night after he received his spell jar, he said he just dreamnt about the moon.

My understanding of lucid dreaming was having direct control over ones dreams. The more I talked to this person the more it became clear that this wasn't his understanding of lucid dreaming. I tried to ask what he had tried to gain that control, as many of you know that I suffered from sleep paralysis for years and taught myself how to realize and 'break out' of it over time. He referenced making offerings to a goddess. I had to stop.

I'm sure that another business minded witch would have sold him something else or offered an exchange. I (stupidly) tried to make him understand that he has the power to manifest his desires. All I did was provide him with a tool to help things along.

This was the same for the woman I had dealt with months ago who said that she had been told by this coven owned business that she was a vampire reincarnated to be with her lover. That was the ultimate end of our conversation because she didn't seem very open to anything I suggested. Whether the things she bought were 'effective' for her or not we will never know. When she started messaging me to the point of harassment I deleted her messages and flagged them as spam. All this time and effort spent consoling someone who really isn't in the right frame of mind for magick or witchcraft.

The main point in writing this ranty post is to get the perspective of the community. What are your expectations for your own spells? What do you tell others when they ask? If you are also a 'witch shop' owner or own your own spiritual practice how do you deal with clients that have set unrealistic expectations for you and your Craft?

[callmepippin]

ok so i was tagged by the lovely @lexiklecksi for the 11/11/11 tag, the rules are: answer the 11 questions she asked me, make up my own 11 questions and then tag 11 ppl to answer those (so if you want you can skip to the questions at the bottom lmao). however as a fair warning: this got Way too long probably bc im rambly today. i tried to limit the stream of consciousness but….

1. current musical obsession: Frank Ocean and related sort of neo-r&b stuff - while writing this im also discovering Childish Gambino’s “Awaken, My Love!” (and also the song Golden Brown, but not bc im listening to it but bc im learning it on both guitar and piano)

2. 3 things i always take with me:

- wallet (or at least my id)

- phone (&earphones)

- cigarettes&lighter

3. what (or who) i miss most in lockdown: i dont rly remember? im so used to the situation by now that i kind of forget to miss what i did when things were “normal”... but i guess going to bars w/ friends, and just being able to go shopping when i need smth

4. pick: either only read 1 book or only read books picked by someone else: i wouldn’t be able to only read one book for the rest of my life! so definitely the second option (esp if i can pick the person who picks the books)

5. why i found your blog/followed you and if i intend to stay: uhh you followed me and when i checked your blog i liked the vibe i guess? also you were v nice in the tags of my music stuff! also ya i like it here, so im staying for a while

6. when and why did i last cry: i genuinely dont know for sure.. the last time i specifically remember crying was my granddad’s funeral, which is three yrs ago this month, but i do know ive cried once or twice since then, i just dont remember for sure when and why.

wait i do remember, i think the last time was when i saw Richard Says Goodbye (live music and movies or books are basically the only reason i rly cry, im not an emotional crier, dont know why).

7. who holds the key to my heart: my partner of five (and a bit) years, whom i love Very Much! (although ofc my heart is not locked, i have so much love to give, just romantically i am very much taken)

8, pick one: star wars/star trek, dobby/gollum, white/black magic, flying/teleportation, time travel: past/future?

- Star Wars

- Gollum (even though i have read hp but still havent read lotr, ive read the hobbit like 4 times tho)

- i think the hard dichotomy btwn white/black magic or like light/dark and good/bad in most fiction is often v flawed bc thats not how the world works, everything is grey areas (e.g. the Jedi are not better than the Sith, both have deeply flawed philosophies). the Force (or any magic for that matter) is not inherently good or evil, it just is. nature isnt abt good or evil, isnt abt opposites but abt balance.

and especially if you work with the occult and magical, i think thats all abt walking the edge between light and dark, life and death, night and day, good and bad etc…

so to answer the question: grey magic lmao, its all abt balance

- teleportation i think, bc while flying is very cool, i think teleportation has more practical uses (although also has danger involved, such as what happens if you teleport into a space that is already occupied by a person or an object? but for the sake of argument, prolly teleportation)

- do not even get me started on time travel.. the implications of time travel to the past are…… complicated to say the least (it only works if you believe in hard determinism, which i wholly do not). so in a practical sense, def to the future (although that is also Problematic within the constraints of our four-dimensional universe/experience).

in a philosophical sense though, ignoring all the paradoxes and laws of time and space, id still pick the future (or maybe no time travel at all), bc i think the past is the past for a reason. we remember it, we learn from it, but ultimately we must leave it behind.

my philosophical problem with traveling to the future is more that you cant just. skip life. so if you travel to the future, it has to be way beyond your own life and direct influence, or youll interfere with yourself and your own future, and thats scientifically, psychologically /and/ philosophically a v bad idea all round, i think.

9. which thoughts keep me awake at night: almost never specific thoughts, but quite often anxiety abt the near future. but theres no like, lingering issues that keep me awake.

10. what id do with you if we were locked up together for 24hrs: i think i’d really like to write with you! make poetry, song lyrics, make art! bc we could rly learn from each other i think and also we could just rly pick each others brain abt mundane, important and transcendental stuff ya know?

11. ask anything: do you have concrete, long term plans for the future, maybe even backup plans? a clear vision of how the rest of your life is going to go? or are you more the type to do what makes you happy now and figure it out as you go along?

my own questions (large variation in vibes and weight, i know):

describe your favourite colour using other senses (like what sound, smell, feeling or w/e do you associate with it)

what’s the best thing that happened to you in the last week, last month and last year?

what’s the one thing/what are the things that help(s) you get up in the moring and keep putting one foot in front of the other?

are you a leftie? (warning: there is a correct answer)

do you play/have you ever played a musical instrument? (and for the sake of completeness, yes i am counting singing as well)

do you have one thing (e.g. a song, movie, book or smth else) that never fails to bring you joy?

do you have one (or more) person(s) you feel you could still hit up after ten yrs of radio silence and you’d still vibe?

what’s your favourite song lyric/line from a poem/quote? and why?

who was your first celebrity crush? (if you’ve ever had one obvsly)

what’s smth you’re looking forward to? could be specific, could be a general thing like a driver’s licence or your own apartment or w/e

this one is specifically to feed my curiosity, indulge me: why did you follow me?

congrats, you’ve managed to reach the end! again, very sorry for the rambles, thanks for sticking around. im tagging @alt-heidi, @terdiscussie, @a-soul-to-cling-to, @ontvreemd, @sarahhnghae and i guess whoever fuckin feels like it? i literally can’t think of 11 ppl on this hell site, so if i forgot you its not personal. if we’re mutuals you’re especially tagged.