#Idk. Ill unpack this later (lie)

[sugarandspice-games]

I guess this is becoming a trend... I’m popping in before the actual intro to clarify-- if the text is in italic, it is me (Sugar) talking and regular is Spice. Alright? Cool. And so--

So, one night I’m going through youtube and I come upon this one shitposty video about some random anime that I’ve never even heard of. After doing some research, I discover that it’s actually based on a dating sim that I’ve also never heard of. As a joke I was like “Hey Sugar wanna watch this as a joke, it might be funny” and so we did. And uhm. Well.

Today we’re gonna be reviewing Brothers Conflict, aka Sweet Home Alabama 2: Electric Anime Boogaloo aka the anime that ruined our lives. [Again, disclaimer: neither Sugar nor I condone incest and/or pedophilia, two themes which are uh, very rampant in this anime which is why I cannot recommend it in good faith. It’s not good, don’t get me wrong. I can’t really say that I liked it even if watching it and ragging on it was kind of enjoyable, and I did get attached to some of the characters because that’s the kind of idiot I am. Also, we’re not shirking our duties to write I swear please don’t kill me--] Anyway, an obligatory SPOILER WARNING though this probably isn’t going in the main tag bc I do not want the fans to publicly stone me. Why are we reviewing this? Bc we need to talk about it somewhere. Though I say review lightly bc this... is really more of a critique.

ALSO we only watched the anime, idk if things are different in the game. There is no full english translation for the games and most of the LP channels have been copyright striked, so please don’t come at us for not knowing anything. I also know that otome games and dating sims don’t tend to translate well to anime, and I will be addressing this later.

So, dear god, where do I begin.

Where do we begin indeed? How about the fact that her name is Ema and I had to google to remember the heroine’s name? Also, she is seventeen.

Our plot, or well... what you COULD call a plot, I guess, if you REALLY wanted to give this anime that much credit, focuses on the aforementioned seventeen year old Hinata Ema, who has an absent father who apparently FOUND THE TIME TO FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED BUT NEVER HAS A SECOND TO SPARE FOR HIS ONLY CHILD, RINTARO I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TAKING CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD. HAND HER OVER-- Anyway. He’s getting married to a woman who has 13 sons (jesus christ ma’am have you ever heard of a condom?) and he decides to move her in with them because... I guess he has less braincells than I have balls, which is to say, zero. Hi, I’m trans.

So, Ema moves in with them... along with her talking grey squirrel, Juli. Juli is... interesting and by interesting, I mean-- ABSOLUTELY PUZZLING. He, apparently, has seen the majority of Ema’s life from babyhood to teenagerhood and can talk but is only understood by Ema (who he calls Chii) and Louis, the eighth son in the Asahina family. It is never explained why, or how Chii came across him or how in an episode, a single episode, he becomes human because why the hell not, I guess??? (Also, he is pretty. YES. I said it. Fight me.) [Quick Spice intervention, this squirrel can talk to people, transform into a human, enter dreams, and live way longer than a squirrel should since the average lifespan of a squirrel is like 6 years in the wild. Juli is apparently a god as none of this is EVER explained.]

And when she meets the Asahina family, it’s pretty much immediately chaos because these heterosexual (I guess? They look like a bunch of twinks to me but there goes anime trying to convince me that straight people are real and not a lie made up by Trump) men have NEVER and I mean NEVER known a woman in their entire lives, since they seem to want to bang their stepsister immediately. And most of them are GROWN ASS ADULTS. Only three of them are actually minors (though Iori is 18 and only one year older so I guess??? It’s okay??? But still weird) and one of them is a 13 year old who looks and acts like he’s 8.

Oh, and did I mention that out of these boys, only the adult triplets and the abusive asshole 16 year old get any kind of characterization AND character development? I mean, Subaru gets an “arc” if you can call it that, but really, they don’t give him much... personality. You could replace him with a cardboard cutout and it’d be the same. I feel bad for him (but not really because dude you are 20 and she is your sister, what the fuck--)

But if there’s anything good about this anime, it is the characters themselves. Several of the boys have redeeming qualities and interesting personalities and quirks, as well as interesting relationships and dynamics with each other. Yes, some of them are lacking in the plotline department while others may have decent plotlines and lack personality, and then some of them are just given absolutely nothing (COUGH Masaomi COUGH Ukyo COUGHCOUGHCOUGH Iori, and by the way, what the fuck is that game plotline bc I read the wiki since I wanted to know more about him. We don’t have time to unpack the mento illness luv. But you’re telling me they had all this meat to work with and they threw it in the trash and gave him nothing? What the hell?) And if anything, I feel as if the characters themselves are crippled by the plotline. If given a different story, perhaps, they may have room to shine, because a lot of them are compelling if not lovable (though some may not be... lovable. COUGHFuuto, at least not for me.) If you want to see our review on the characters, we’ll put out another post.

Iori... Iori has a hell of a plot in the game, according to the Wiki but I can’t blame the writers for not exploring all of it because whoa. It is dark and not in a good way. But back to the subject at hand... I agree with Spice. I do/did like quite a lot of the characters... provided the entire romantic plot is taken away but we will go into more of why the plot is problematic below. All I can really add is: There is a baby in this dumpster and canon has been taken out back to be shot like a lame horse.

This brings me to a point in which I would like to pause the character discussion and bring up a glaring flaw with this anime in general (aside from the... plot. Look, I’m not a huge fan of weird stepsibling stuff but I think that if you want to do something like that, there are ways to do it and ways not to do it. This was the way not to do it, which I’m getting to). The biggest thing that made this anime so uncomfortable was the imbalance of power dynamics. Why is the protagonist 17 when most of the love interests are 18 and older, and I mean much, much older? And she’s not any 17 year old... she’s a lonely, neglected girl who is starved for the love of a family. This makes her easily manipulated by the brothers, who clearly desire her for less than wholesome reasons, and that makes it skeevy. I’m not sure why there’s such a fetishization of nonconsent in media, as if it’s fine for as many men to lust after female protagonists as the writer desires BUT the woman can’t want a single one of them in return. It’s creepy, and quite frankly, I am very much over it. I also get that the age thing is probably a product of the protagonist of a teenager oriented dating sim not translating well to an anime (because really, all otome game MCs are meant to be a neat little pair of shoes for the player to imagine themselves in), but why are we fetishizing a teenager being groomed by adults anyway? Especially adults who have this much power over her to begin with? The power dynamics bring this plot from “Oh, this might be kinda trashy but it could be entertaining” to “This is extremely creepy and rapey and kind of a dumpster fire.”

This is also true. If we were to take age into consideration, Fuuto, Yusuke, and Iori would be the three candidates left for Chii. This is taking out the youngest as well, who is... thirteen, I think? But anyway, (I know I am probably going to get some hate for this but go for it), I am into stories that explore the stepsibling thing and it can make a good narrative-- but before everyone gets uppity: There is a line between FICTION and REALITY and I do not condone real life incest but a story is a story and there are ways to frame it that make it clear that it is not a romantic thing, or acceptable. This anime does not do that in it’s dynamics because some of the brothers do start off in that very firm caregiving, family role and it is a sharp turn into romance that makes you go, “?” or in Fuuto case, a blending that does lean into fetishization.

All in all I think the plot maybe could have been okay? I’m not saying it isn’t problematic, because we all know it is, who are we kidding? But I don’t think it’s wrong per se to explore family dynamics with romance and to understand where the line should be drawn, and maybe exploring the definition of family itself. I have seen fanfictions with similar tropes ask those questions and explore the concept beautifully without romanticizing or fetishizing incest and unhealthy power dynamics. It could have been good, and I get that perhaps I’m barking up the wrong tree by expecting mature themes in an anime based on an otome game, but it also could have been a lot less... creepy (I have used that word so much that it looks wrong now) even if it wasn’t the greatest thing ever. But again, what was I expecting? I watched this whole thing as a joke and ended up attached to the characters like a fool... That tends to be a trend here, and this is why we are so salty all the time. So anyway, stay tuned for our review of the characters! We may not cover all of them since some of them don’t really get anything, but we’ll cover what we found interesting.

[leaves-of-three]

Day Ten || Hi

Connor Murphy x Reader

Word Count: 5952

Summary: Connor and Reader continue to attempt to figure their shit out. [This is part of an in progress series. You can follow along here.]  

Warnings: Mentions of previous sexual assault. Mentions of suicide.

Author Note: I’m emotional today. Technically I could possibly stop the series here?? Ten is a nice solid number. But also I could go on for a thousand more days. It can be up to whoever reads these. Idk if people like new things or like to stick with the same stuff. (I personally love reading series that involve my fav charas but that’s just me). Let me know, I guess. I love you and I will kiss all of your precious faces. xKatie

Y/N: Today 12:02 pm: I’m sorry I’m not at school again today. Sorry I can’t eat lunch with you. I’ll text you instead and you can pretend I’m there. 

Evan: Today 12:03 pm: It’s okay. I’m in the library by myself. I’m watching a robin in a tree. It’s cute. 

Y/N: Today 12:03 pm: Name it Theodore. 

Evan: Today 12:03 pm: Theodore the Robin. He says hi. 

Y/N: Today 12:04 pm: Hi Theodore. I’m sorry I’m not there to see you. 

Evan: Today 12:06 pm: [a slightly blurry picture message of the robin sitting in the tree] 

Y/N: Today 12:07 pm: Awww! I love Theodore. 

Y/N: Today 12:07 pm: Can you come over my house after school? I miss you. I could really use a friendly face. 

Y/N: Today 12:20 pm: Evan? 

You tossed your phone onto you bed in a huff and rolled onto your back. You stared brooding up at the ceiling. This was the third day in a row you had missed school. After yesterday, you had fallen into a depression. You stayed in bed and stared blankly at a wall for most of the afternoon. Your dad had taken that as a sign that you were very ill and let you stay home again today. He didn’t know about all your previous absences. To be honest, you didn’t care anymore. You didn’t want to go to school, you didn’t want to see Connor, you didn’t want anything. You just wanted to disappear. If you hadn’t befriended Evan than you might have fallen into that possibility. But he needed you. He didn’t have anyone either. You weren’t selfish enough to abandon him like that. Or your father. He had already lost your mom. It would kill him if he lost you too. 

So you were stuck. 

You were stuck living in a life you didn’t want. A life that hurt you at every turn. You had no concept of how to fully process what had happened to you. A therapist might help you unpack everything but that would mean you’d have to talk to your dad. He’d wonder why you’d need one in the first place, then you’d have to go looking for one, then you’d need to pay money and you’d be forced to stare your demons in the face. The thought alone made you shiver. No, like you should have with Connor, had to keep quiet. You couldn’t bare to see anyone else run off and leave you. 

Your phone buzzed. 

Evan: Today 12:24 pm: Ya that’s fine. 

Evan: Today 12:24 pm: Connor Murphy just asked me about you. 

Your heart sped up when you read his text. Your mouth suddenly went dry.

Y/N: Today 12:24 pm: What did he want?

Evan: Today 12:25 pm: Bell just rung. g2g to class. tell u later! bye!

“Dammit, Evan!” You said out loud to yourself. Your cat picked her head up and gave you a look of contempt for waking her from her slumber. You pet her head, “Sorry Beetle. Go back to sleep.” 

You laid your own head back on your pillow and stared up at the ceiling. What did Connor want? Why was he talking to Evan about you? You licked your drying lips. The end of school couldn’t come fast enough. 

Evan: Today 2:10 pm: Do you still want me to come over?

Y/N: Today 2:10 pm: YES!!!!

Evan: Today 2:11 pm: Okay my mom is going to give me a ride over then. Text u when I’m close. 

Y/N: Today 2:11 pm: K

Evan: Today 2:28 pm: Almost there! 

You waited anxiously by the front door, pacing back and forth. You were desperate to know what Connor had wanted. He better not have told Evan anything you said to him. You were also desperate to see Evan. It had been three days since you’d seen him. You missed him. You chewed on your nails while you waited. 

The second a car pulled up in front of your house, you flung open the door and stood out on the front steps, bouncing restlessly on the balls of your feet. Evan was in the passenger side sitting next to a pretty blonde woman. She must be his mom. Before he had even fully stepped out of the car, you had run down to meet him, pulling him into a tight hug. “I missed you so much!” 

He cautiously hugged you back, “You missed m-me?” He seemed surprised at the idea that someone could actually miss him. 

You laughed, “Yes! You’re my friend. Of coursed I missed you.” You finally released him from your tight grip. 

The woman behind the wheel cleared her throat, “Hi! I’m Heidi. I’m Evan’s mom.” She was ducking down and leaning over so she could properly see you out the passenger door. 

You bent down to give her a better look and smiled politely at her, “Hello it’s nice to meet you. I’m Y/N. Evan’s been so wonderful to me. I’m lucky to have met him.”

Heidi beamed, “Oh I’m so happy to hear that. You know, he’s had such trouble making friends. I worry about him all the time. Then I saw that beautiful drawing you made on his cast. I was so pleased that he finally found someone to talk to.”  

Evan blushed a deep red and gave his mom at warning look, speaking through his teeth, “Goodbye, mom.” 

She flashed him an apologetic look and straightened up in her seat. “I should get going. I’ve got to get back to work. It was lovely meeting you, Y/N!”

You giggled at Evan’s embarrassment. “It was nice meeting you too, Heidi! I can drive Evan home later if he wants.” 

He grabbed his backpack from the floor of the car and closed the door. Heidi blew him a kiss and waved as she drove off. Evan shrunk into his shoulders. He looked mortified. You smiled. Already you were feeling better than you had in past few days. You lead Evan towards your house. “Your mom seems really nice.”

“Yeah. Yeah, she’s great, so great. She likes to talk a lot. Lot’s of talking.” He scrunched up his face in annoyance. “Like sometimes, you’re just, like, stop talking! Ahh,” he made a wavy gesture with his hands. “Too much noise...” You listened. Sometimes you wished you had that problem. Your dad hardly ever spoke much. Evan craved the quiet, you craved the noise. 

You brought him into your bedroom. He put his bag down on your desk chair and opened it up. He began pulling out books. “I’ve got all your homework from the classes we have together and I made copies of my notes for you. We started developing our pictures in photography yesterday. I can teach you how to use the dark room when you get back on Monday. Some of my pictures I took came out really nicely. I think you’re really going to like it.” He loaded the books and a pile of papers onto your desk. “You must have been really sick?”

You sat cross legged on your bed. You felt it would be rude to interrogate him about Connor first thing so you listened to him talk. “Yeah...sick...” You wished you could have told him everything but you didn’t dare risk it again. “Thank you for doing all that. You didn’t have to. How did your physics test go?” 

“It was no problem! I didn’t want you to fall behind.” He turned around. You motioned for him to sit on the bed with you. He politely took his shoes off before sitting opposite you. “The test went okay. ...That’s a lie. It was awful. It was really hard. I don’t know how I’m going to pass that class if the first test already kicked my butt.” 

You smiled softly, “I think we’ll just have to study harder next time. No more getting distracted by Netflix and pizza. I know Parks and Rec is a binge worthy show but it’s impossible to study with it on.” 

He returned your smile, “I really missed having you there.”

It seemed like a more appropriate time to bring it up, “I’ll be back on Monday. I promise. Hey, uh, you mentioned Connor before in your text. What did he want?” You tried to sound as nonchalant as possible when you asked. 

Evan looked down at his foot and tugged on the bottom of his pant leg, “He asked if you were at school. I told him you had been sick for the past few day. Then he told me to give you this.” He fumbled into his pants pocket and pulled out a folded scrap of paper. “I looked at it. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I think it’s his phone number.” He handed you the paper. 

Sure enough, a string of numbers were all that was written on it. You stared down in confusion. Why would he want you to have this? He had plenty of opportunities to give you his number when you were together. Why now? “...Then what happened?”

Evan shrugged, “That was it? He asked if you were here, gave me that paper, then left. He looked...” He stopped speaking. 

You looked up and tried to coax it out of him with your eyes, “Looked what?”

“Well his face was all beat up. But it was fresh. Like it had just happened. There was still blood and stuff. It was running down his chin. It looked like he got beat up real bad. I was too afraid to ask him what happened. He looked extra scary today.” Evan sighed and looked up at you, worry in his eyes. “Why did he want you to have his number? You mentioned him before. Are you-” He didn’t finish his thought but he kept stealing concerned glances at you. He seemed worried that you would be getting involved with someone like Connor.

You shook your head, “I don’t know, Ev. And you’re sure you have no idea what happened to him?” 

He nodded fervently. “I was afraid to ask. I’m sorry. He looked so distracted. I don’t think he was really paying attention to anything I was saying once I told him you weren’t there. Then he left right after that.” 

You forced a smile for him and patted his hand. “That’s okay. I have no idea what he would have wanted. Don’t worry about it, alright?” 

Evan nervously glanced around the room. “Are you going to text him?”

“Uhm...probably not. I don’t know what he’d want with me. It’s fine.” That was a lie. You were most likely going to text him the moment Evan left later today. Connor had that effect on you. He was someone you couldn’t get out of your mind no matter how hard you wished you could. Your stomach hurt. You had more questions than answers. 

“Maybe he wanted to ask you on a date?” Evan spoke softly and peered up at you bashfully through his full lashes. 

You couldn’t help but give a self deprecating laugh. “Some how I don’t think that’s what he wanted.” Your smile faded. “Not even Connor Murphy would want to go on a date with me.” It was true. You were used goods. Connor had made that clear enough. He probably forgot something at your house and wanted it back. Or maybe you’d scratched up his car when you moved it and he wanted money. What ever it was, it definitely was not a date. 

Evan scooted closer to you, “Why not? You’re really pretty. I think he would be lucky to date you. Anyone would.” 

The genuine tone of his voice made your heat melt. That was the thing about Evan. He didn’t speak very often so when he did, you really listened. If your mind wasn’t so heavy with questions buzzing around it, you might have even teared up. “You must not know me as well as you think.”

His expression saddened, “I don’t have real friends. Ever. People are forced to talk to me b-because they have no one else. Like you. You would have never talked to me if you didn’t-” He didn’t finish that sentence. You knew he was going to say if you hadn’t lost all your other friends but he didn’t want to be rude. “...I’m always everyone’s last resort. But you did end up talking to me. And I don’t want to be selfish but I’m really glad that you did. I might have been your last resort but you never treated me like that. When you look at me, you make me feel seen...that’s special, Y/N. I’m used to people talking at me. Not to me. You don’t do that. You’ve never done that.” He swallowed and took a deep breath. “Whatever Connor wants, he better be nice to you, b-because I’ll...I’ll be really upset if he hurts you...” 

Your vision blurred with pressing tears. The past three days had been pure hell. Hearing someone you cared about express how you made them feel was undeniably a beautiful moment for you. You sniffled with a smile, “Would say that to his face?” 

Evan blushed but straightened his posture, “Yes. Yes I would.”

You laughed and took out your phone. “So if I call him right now, you’ll tell him all that?” 

He faltered and looked around in panic. You leaned over and hugged him, “I’m kidding. I would never do that to you.” He wrapped his arms around you and you didn’t move from the embrace. It felt nice to just be held. “Thank you, Evan. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that. It’s been a really hard week. I’m glad you’re here.” 

He tentatively leaned his head into your shoulder. The longer you held him in the hug, the more relaxed he seemed to become. Both of you were probably lacking in the human contact department. “Lie with me,” You shuffled towards your pillow and gave Evan a careful push back onto them. You curled up by his side. He stiffened. You smiled to yourself, “It’s okay. Relax. I’m not trying to get in your pants. Just...hold me.” He moved his arms around you while you rested your head against his shoulder. You heard him exhale a long breath and ease into the mattress. It was an intimate, sweet moment between two friends. Sometimes you just need to feel loved. To feel held and appreciated. You closed you eyes. 

After few fleeting moments of silence, Evan spoke again. “What happened between you and those girls?” 

Maybe it was the safe space the two of you had ultimately created but you felt tempted to tell him everything. You wanted to tell him everything. Then Connor’s face popped back into your head. You saw the look of anger and disgust plastered onto his features. You watched him storm out of the room. It would kill you to see Evan do the same thing. You couldn’t let that happen. The truth sat heavy as a boulder inside of you while you lied, “We had a falling out. Her boyfriend cheated on her. With me. It was my fault. She deserves to be furious at me.” Even saying those words made you feel dirty. You felt dirty for hiding the truth from him. Your blood ran cold with each lie you spoke. “I fucked up. Now I’m paying for it. I’m sorry again for what she said to you the other day. That wasn’t right. That was my fault too. Everything was my fault.”

Evan contemplated what you were saying, “Why did you do it? Why did you cheat with him?”

A silent tear rolled down your cheek. He didn’t realize the torture he was causing you. Your words came out hollow, “I was drunk.”  

“I’ve never been drunk before,” he replied. 

“You shouldn’t. It’s not fun. Bad things can happen when you aren’t sober and aware of everything.” You couldn’t talk about this anymore. You had to change the subject. “Let’s talk about something else. Tell me more about your summer job. I like you hearing you talk about it.”

You settled against his chest, eyes closed, and tried to focus on him describing his time as an apprentice park ranger. You were finding it hard to give him your full attention but you managed to get out an “mhm” or a “wow” at the appropriate times. Your mind was really else where. His voice lulled you into a trance. You thought about Alyssa. You thought about Justin. You thought about Connor. You kept losing people you cared about. Everyone left, or hurt you, or died, or was driven away. It cut deep wounds into your battered soul. You still had Evan though. You would do everything in your power to not give him up. 

Around 6 in the evening, Evan finally had to go home. You were sad to see him leave. Once he left, you’d be alone again. Even when your dad was home, you still felt alone. He packed up his bag. You had managed to get through a little bit of homework but mostly you both just talked. After he brought up your falling out with Alyssa, he stuck to more light conversational topics. He seemed to be able to tell that it wasn’t something you wanted to discuss. 

You got into your car to drive him home. He buckled up and sat with his backpack held tight against his chest like a security blanket. His eyes were trained directly ahead and his body was stiff. You looked over at him, “Everything okay?”

He nodded nervously, “I just don’t really like, uhm, driving. It makes me anxious. I t-tried to take my drivers test once and I panicked and hit a curb and then I cried. I don’t like cars. They’re basically b-big death machines.” 

You gave him a soft smile, “I’ll drive extra slow. Will listening to music help distract you?” You made a motion to the radio. 

“This is r-really weird but I like to l-listen to rain sounds on my headphones whenever I have to be in a car. B-b-but I don’t want to be rude...” He fidgeted with his the straps of his bag. 

You made a mental note of that. Maybe when you got home, you’d make a special playlist full of rain sounds for him the next time he was ever in your car. You knew whenever he started to stutter like that, he was on edge and close to panicking. Anything that would help calm was good in your book. “That’s not weird and you won’t be rude. Listen away. I’ll be fine. Don’t feel like you have to make conversation. I’ll be playing showtunes in my head and enjoying the drive.”

Evan smiled apologetically, “Thank you.” He tugged a pair of headphones out of his bag and plugged them into his phone. 

The drive was quiet. It gave you time to think about Connor. The paper he had given Evan felt like it was burning a hole through your jeans pocket. You desperately wanted to know what he had to say. You knew once Evan had been safety dropped off that you would text the number. You didn’t live too far from Evan’s house, you realized. It was only about a seven minute drive. He smiled and waved as he ran up to his front door. You waved back and watched him disappear inside. The smile faded from your face. 

You drove around the corner before pulling to the side of the road. You couldn’t wait any longer. With the paper in one hand and you phone in the other, you punched the series of numbers into the message app. 

Y/N: Today 6:32 pm: Connor?

You didn’t have to wait long. He replied right away. 

(555) 243 4401: Today 6:33 pm: Y/N? 

Y/N: Today 6:33 pm: Ya. 

(555) 243 4401: Today 6:35 pm: Meet me at the lake. 

You knew you were going to go. There was no debate. If Connor told you to go somewhere, you would do it. You had no will power against him. You pulled back onto the road and headed towards the lake. 

Connor. Connor. Connor. Connor. His name ran laps around your mind. Who was he? You felt you knew so little about him and so much at the same time. He was a reader. He liked literature. From that alone, you could determine that he would be the quiet sort of type. The kind of person who would rather get lost in a different world than to live the one they’re currently in. He extended a hand of friendship when he saw you needed one. He offered you food as a sign of peace. It showed he was able to read other people’s emotions with a quick glance. He cared about those who looked lost and alone. Probably because he felt the same. He sympathized with those people. He wasn’t the kind of person who stepped into the middle of a fight. That day Alyssa cornered you in the hall by the lockers, Connor had stood by and watched. He never made a move to step between you two. He was reserved, in that sense. He didn’t actively put himself in the line of fire. He faded into the side lines. He disappeared into the shadows. But afterwards, he stuck around. He could have left but he stayed and lingered for you. He warned you of the cut on your lip. He didn’t want you to outwardly show any signs of the altercation. He cared enough about you to give you that little bit of dignity. 

Then he was at the lake that night you couldn’t sleep. He was different then. Angry. Hurting. He lashed out when he aggressively threw the bottle of pills at you. Though they never hit you. You guessed he probably never intended for them to. He wanted to feign the act of hurting you without actually doing so. You were emotionally hurting too and you chose to ignore most of his acting out. That night he had been alone before you arrived. That night he had wanted to kill himself. He was someone who was in pain. The kind of pain that you kept hidden from everyone else. The kind you buried deep down and let it slowly eat away at you piece by piece. He was sad. Under the anger he showed you, he was hiding his sorrow. But he never went through with it. He could have left you that night. He could have left you on the beach and found someplace else to do the deed. Or he could have done it right there beside you. He could have forced you to find him the next morning laying in a pool of his own vomit. But he didn’t. He didn’t want you to be alone and he didn’t want you to find him like that. You were vulnerable out in the open. Asleep. He didn’t want to leave you. He cared about you then. He was someone who wanted to end his own life but refused to because another person needed to be looked after. He was both selfish and selfless at the same time. 

That morning at the diner, he spoke like it was nothing. That was how Connor viewed the worth of his own life. Nothing. He was a boy with no self worth. That must have meant that the people in his life treated him that way. They treated him as nothing, too. People don’t just assume they mean absolutely nothing to the world. Something along the way tells them to believe such a thing. Connor was alone. Yet he still cared what people thought of him. When you started to make a scene in the diner, he got embarrassed. He didn’t want people to know anything about him. He didn’t want to be the center of attention. He pulled you back into the booth to keep you quiet. ...But then you asked him not to go through with what he had planned. He agreed so easily. It told you that no one had ever asked him that before. No had ever given his life enough worth for him to even entertain the idea that he shouldn’t kill himself. No one had ever asked him to live simply because they wanted him around. Were you the first person in his life to show him that kind of mercy? 

Then there was the woods. He never spoke much when you had been together. Maybe he didn’t know what to say? He wasn’t a character in one of his books. He was real. Real life was harder. No one could write the words for him. Connecting with others was a foreign concept to him. But he seemed to be more comfortable the more time you spent in his presence. You weren’t giving him a reason to leave so he started to open up. When you walked the train tracks together, he had an almost playful air to him. He smiled. You hadn’t really seen a true smile on his face before that day. He could be happy. He had the ability to be happy. He just never had a reason to be. But then he left you. He didn’t want to wait. He didn’t care enough to stick around. He was impatient. He wanted to explore the forest with you and when you had denied him, he went off without you. It was his way or no way. He was stubborn and a little entitled. He didn’t answer when you called out to him. Do you think he had heard you? Do you think he wanted you to come looking for him? Maybe it had a been test. From what you had observed about him, he seemed like the sort of person who would put people through trials. The more tests they passed, the more worthy they became to him. Had you passed or failed that one? You never found him. He had found you. But you had gone looking. He needed someone to look for him because no one ever did. 

That night told you the most about Connor. You hadn’t been able to realize it then but now it was coming to you as you drove. The moment he saw you on the ground, he had been able to deduce that you were having a dissociative episode. He had known what to do. He didn’t try to force you back to reality. He had waited. He had pulled you to a safe spot, covered you with his jacket, and watched over you until you came back. He spoke to you in calm, even tones. He gave you tricks on how to stay grounded. He had brought you back home. He had done that before. That’s how he knew what to do. Connor had gone through similar things himself. You remembered that he had mentioned a therapist in those woods. Who had sent him to therapy in the past? Was it someone who cared about him? What changed between now and then? Where they no longer around or had they just given up? 

So, who was Connor Murphy? Connor Murphy at first glance seems like someone complicated, but really, he wasn’t complicated at all. All you had to do was look between the lines of what little he gave you and you’d see everything you needed to know. What you couldn’t figure out was why he had acted like that yesterday. He stayed the night. He didn’t have to. He had once again proved that he put your own well-being before himself. Connor Murphy cared about you. You could see that clearly now. Then why did he shut down when you told him about Justin? Why would he run off like that? He knew how vulnerable you were. He would have know how much it hurt you to talk about that night. It didn’t add up. You slammed your hand on the steering wheel. Come on. You could figure this out. Connor gave you everything you needed to know. You just needed to think. You had to read between the lines. You mentally rewound back to that morning. 

He had asked you about Justin. The look on his face had told you that he already anticipated what you were going to say and that he was bracing himself for it. You confirmed his suspicions, more or less. Enough that he got the picture. Then what happened? All you could remember was him running off in anger. But something came before that. He had asked you if Justin had hurt you and then he...what? You let out a shout of frustration. Think, dammit! Angry. He was angry but he was trying to be calm. There was fury raging behind his eyes though. He couldn’t hide that.

Then it clicked. 

That night at the lake. He been angry then too. He had whipped his pill bottle at you but he was never really aiming for you. He didn’t want to hit you. You were never actually his target. His anger consumed him and he needed to release it...but he didn’t want to put you directly in the line of fire. He wasn’t running away because of what you had done. He was running away because he cared about you. Everything up to that point had only proved, again and again, that Connor truly cared. From the moment you had met in the library, he was looking out for you. He was running away because he didn’t want you to see him freak out. He cared what people thought of him like when you started making a scene in the diner. He didn’t want people to think he was crazy. And those were just random people! Who was the one person he was continuously looking after and taking care of? You! He cared about you. When he found out what you had been through, he got angry. Not at you but because you had been hurt. He didn’t want to see you hurt. How many times did he have to silently prove that to you before you understood? My god, you were so stupid. 

Then today he gone to school looking for you. He wanted to make sure you were okay after he had left. When he couldn’t find you, he went to the next person he knew you were friends with. Evan. And of course Evan only confirmed that you weren’t there. That’s why he gave him his number to give to you. Connor wasn’t the kind of person who’d just walk up and knock on someone’s door without notice. He wasn’t going to check up on you at home. There were too many risk factors involved. Your dad could have answered, for one. From everything you had pieced together, Connor didn’t like authority and he didn’t like to put himself directly into situations where he didn’t know the outcome. He had no other way of contacting you so he placed all his bets on Evan for passing along the message. That’s how Connor worked. He didn’t say things directly. You couldn’t expect him to just say what he meant. You had to look deeper into whatever little bit he was giving you. Giving you his number was his way of saying that he was worried about you and he wanted to make sure you were okay. It was his way of creating a direct route between you to him. 

Then you remembered what Evan had told you. He said Connor was all beat up. You unconsciously stepped harder on the gas in an attempt to get to the lake faster. What had happened when he left your house? Who had done that to him? Those were unspoken questions you couldn’t yet piece together. Something in the pit of your stomach told you who it was though. You hoped you weren’t right. You hoped Connor hadn’t gone after Justin himself. Who else would it have been? Justin would have been the perfect target for all the rage Connor needed to release. If it were true, it wouldn’t have been a fair fight. Justin was captain of the football team and was always surrounded by groups of his beefy, asshole friends. Connor wouldn’t have stood a chance against him. You quietly prayed that the scenario you were imaging wasn’t the truth. 

You ached to see him now. Everything you were suddenly realizing was only feeding your need to be beside him. You wanted to hold him. You wanted to kiss him. You wanted to claim him as yours and never let him go. How could it have taken you so long to figure everything out? How could you have been so oblivious? Connor was the single factor that had kept you going since you met him on the first day of school. He was the one who invaded your dreams while you slept and the one to first enter your thoughts when you woke. He was constantly on your mind. You cared about him just as much as he cared about you. You wanted him. You wanted Connor Murphy and you weren’t about to let him slip away again. You were in charge of your life. You were going to get what you wanted. You deserved to be happy. Connor made you happy.

Up ahead, the glistening water birthed into view. Your heart leaped in excitement. You hadn’t even realized that silent tears had been rolling down your cheeks while you drove. Connor had never intentionally meant to hurt you. He didn’t know how to vocalize his emotions. You couldn’t blame him for that. All he had ever done was watch your back, taken care of you, made sure you were safe. He was your guardian angel disguised as a moody, teenage boy. You threw your car into park the second you pulled into a space. Your two cars were the only one’s in the lot. Connor was sitting on the same swing you had sat the first time you had met here. He was staring out at the lake with his back to you. 

The sound of your car door closing alerted him to your presence and he stood up, turning around. You didn’t have any time process the state his face was in. Your eyes locked with his and you were rushing towards him. He caught you in surprise as your arms were thrown tightly around his neck and your lips crashed onto his. This time, you gave him all the time in the world to kiss you back. And he did. He was timid at first, like he was trying to wrap his mind around if this was real or not. Then he grew more confident. He tangled his hand in your hair, gripping it tightly, as he pushed back against your lips, hungrily eating up what he desired. He matched your rough intensity as you both clung to each other like it was the end of the world. 

Your eyes opened slowly, your chest heaved with heavy breathing, and you were clinging to the front of his shirt. He stared down in amazement at you, soaking in everything he could about this moment. You didn’t attempt to untangle yourself from him. 

A timid smile crept onto your lips as you gazed back up at him, “Hi.”

He laughed. A real, genuine laugh. You had never seen anything so beautiful in your life. Through the swelled bruising covering his delicate skin, his face lit up in wonder, “...Hi.”

[rambles4sarah-blog]

March/April 2017

so I dont remember when that thing happened with the racist fragrance vendor. but it was ridiculous she was awful. I worked a whole bunch of hours. and I was getting so much pressure from savanna about the regional manager Jerrod. I was being watched without my know, obviously while I worked. and then the managers in the region got a mass email saying associate A,B,C; you get it, was doing. that Monday night I was tired I was stressed and that last thing I wanted to do was stand behind the sunglass display. 

So, I sat in a cosmetics but between my sitting I did some display cleaning and thankfully that what he saw me do. it made me insanely paranoid when Ifound out. I literally wanted to quit right there. but didn’t because I liked savanna she was a great manager at first. I just literally stressed myself out with school too I wasn’t finishing up my classes and I wasn’t doing homework. I got some reassurance from my advisors and I worked up until the night I had to fly out savanna would Thursday opening so I had to close. went home at 10 and I packed and tried to download 13 reasons (show was better than the book but I read the book in high school so I could be wrong) but I had to wait until 2am. because stupid timezones. I had to wait for California hit midnight because spoilers that so stupid. anyways I couldn’t find my bag so, I borrowed my moms purse but I couldn’t find the longer strap, and I woke everyone up. my nana thankfully was watching novelas of course. and I was finally able to go at like 2:30ish. I was tired and unfortunately I couldn’t get a ride to the airport. I never can to be honest so I parked my car. hopefully I can finally get full use of my car and I can drive myself. its more pleasant I guess. I get to destress myself I think the second time around it will be easier. you know me, once I get something down I’m a pro. I parked my car I was freezing I had to wait for a bus carry my suitcase and sit on a high bench while holding on to myself and my suicase. In other words I need to grow a couple inches and get a new suitcase. I made it to the airport got in line listened to people talk. tried to snapchat. I passed through the line easy peasy once it was done. I got in tsa line and again I beat the rush by two seconds no lie. I passed again in like 3minutes even though I was lugging around my moms purse which is not good for carrying a laptop. I literally had a neck pillow, laptop, iPad, and chargers. but that was too much and my shoulder bruised a little which is dumb. I didn’t even use my laptop except for the free wifi at LAX, btw did you know that their wifi is timed and their airlines all have their own sections so nothing mixes? like its all one thing for each airline. idk I thought was cool? also their airport is legit. you can check in your own bag and all that jazz. but Ill get to that later. I got to LA at 7:30 and I had to wait for Veronica. I looked like a hot mess. I literally shouldn’t have worked that Thursday but I wanted protection form the time off from the trip. Anyways, I sat for two hours and just saw beautiful men walk out of the terminal. I was hungry. I was tired. I met up with Veronica and we hit it off literally immediately made it to the airport shuttle which was easy enough for me. made it to the first hotel which was AUHMAZING. literally made me excited because it was my first trip alone like the adult I’m not. jk we unpacked got somewhat presentable. and headed to Koreatown. Sarah, this is literally when I was amazed because I was somewhere where I didn’t think I would be at under the circumstances. I went into the Korean mall which is awesome and when I went to the Kpop store to buy our bts bomb. it made me wish you were there with me. I made a mental note that if got7 (mainly because thats your bias group) that we would have to go to California to have the full experience. 

by the time we got out I was starving. we wanted to Korean bbq but in koreatown they don’t open until 4pm and it was noon so we went to a tofu place and that when you called. it was busy and loud and I was hungry but I answered the phone because the last conversation we had I know it upset you that I didn’t offer to cancel my trip to be with you. Im sorry for that. under that excitement. I spoke to you for a few minutes and told you I would call you back. I’m honestly going to say I did forget. once I got the the hotel with Veronica I remembered but it was 10pm California time and midnight your time, and I knew you wouldn’t answer.

we got lost. I rode a bus to Hollywood with all the Mexicans and I spoke Spanish in koreatown and I made friends with the store owners it was amazing oh! I bought sake soju whatever and first its really cheap second, I didn’t get carded. people are really nice but most keep to themselves. I did get irritated with Veronica I will say. she never travelled out I did everything. I planned I booked, I did time and pricing with Ubers and buses. she mainly didn’t think what I might want to do and focused on herself. which sucked and I did get so fed up on the second day. Day one I passed out. day 2 we woke up early got a lyft and headed to Anaheim. there was a convention and stuff the hotel was lit the first one was cooler we met up with mutuals ate lunch I missed the Frida Kahlo exhibit which peeved me, but I would lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy being around everyone and just the experience was amazing . by Sunday I got to see the exhibit for 45 mins I crazily enough paid $27 for 45 mins, because Veronica wouldn’t let me go alone. even though she didn’t know what it was. I saw I enjoyed and it brought me this peace and idk but I felt closer to myself as a Latina, I didn’t realize I was rejecting for such a long time but I was and seeing something so powerful it opened my eyes not to sound fake deep even though I do. I have to get ready for work ill continue this when I get back tonight.