#Idk something something open wounds and no healthy coping mechanisms

[bigskydreaming]

(Last Anon) I write a lot of dark shit. I’ll openly admit it helps me cope with the shit Ive been through. It was advised to me by a therapist, and reading and writing it makes me feel better. The tagging system helps me avoid the things that WOULDNT make me feel better. It���s up to me to make that distinction. What level of tagging would actually make you comfortable? Do you want to stop people from writing anything noncon all together? (Idk if this sounds attacky, I don’t mean it that way)

I answered before I saw this second question, so I’ll try to make this briefer...

I’m gonna be blunt here: I’m.....not exactly side-eyeing that therapist, because its not like I’ve talked to or worked with every therapist out there lol, and I don’t know their reasoning on this subject, but I DO question whether or not there’s room in your dialogue with your therapist to expand on this and explore if there’s any kind of miscommunication or misinterpretation of WHY they suggested it might make you feel better....as well as whether or not they meant just in writing it for yourself vs writing it to share with other people online.

I say that last part because those can be very distinct things.....because ALL forms of writing, are at their core inherently just....communicating ideas. Even to ourselves.

Its why journaling is so effective for a lot of people. Its literally just us using writing to express our own ideas to ourselves, to communicate what we’re already thinking or feeling to ourselves in more...digestible ways we can more easily internalize even if we’re the only intended audience for what we write there.

And I also say this because there’s a difference between exploration and validation....and the intended results and receptions to both these things.

Like.....tbh, I’ve spent a lot of my life asking WHY, in terms of why certain of my victimizers might have done the things to me that they did. Its been a large, central question at times.....the mystery of it being something that’s bothered me to large degrees.

So in that vein, there is a certain logic to writing various dark shit in an effort to reach SOME kind of understanding, even just in my own mind. Trying to understand what they were even thinking, the WHY of it, in order to at least transform the unknown of it into something real or tangible that I could more easily refute or push back against. 

But all of that can be done in the form of writing just to myself. The second I share that writing with a wider public, many of them unknown to me, however.....it takes on a whole new dimension.

Because now I’m not just communicating my thoughts on this matter to myself.....I’m communicating it to an audience of people all with their own thoughts, priorities, lived experiences, etc. And there is ZERO guarantee, or even really a realistic expectation, that this wider audience is receiving what I’m communicating or interpreting it or whatever.....in the same vein, and for the same reasons, that I’m writing it in the first place.

So not only do I now have to factor in that while say, exploring my victimizers’ mindsets in order to make them more real and thus more realistically refuted, like....that might be my motivation for writing it to myself, and MY understanding of what I’ve written and why......but to people out there in that wider audience....I have NO idea what they’re getting out of it. People who actually ALREADY think this way could see it as validation, proof that the predatory thoughts they had were more normal and acceptable than society otherwise wanted them to think.....or other victims of similar kinds of events could accidentally use it to negatively reinforce ideas they had about THEIR victimizers’ being valid in thinking the way they did, and for doing the things they did to them.

But then I also have to now factor in the ADDITIONAL angle that is....feedback. And especially, ESPECIALLY in a fandom environment which simply does not allow for or condone negative reception to this kind of content, and will default to defending the author and any readers of the author, REGARDLESS of their motivations or intentions....over a reader who is genuinely distressed by how they received the content.

Because feedback IS validating. Plain and simple. Positive reception IS affirming, in WHATEVER we do.

So....now there’s the problem that I can’t honestly say for sure at this point if what’s making me feel better about writing this dark shit is just the writing of it itself, communicating whatever it communicates to me when I put it to paper....OR if maybe what’s making me feel better is the external validation I’m getting from readers who for their own reasons, whatever they might be, are telling me this is fantastic, I’m great at this, they want more.

And that can very easily become a trap, see....because whereas initially my writing this stuff for myself might have had some benefit....if the how and why of me doing this goes somewhere it wasn’t ever intended and becomes something else entirely....that can eventually like....overtake and REPLACE my original motivations completely.

And instead of this being something I do for a FINITE period of time, for as long as I need to in order to work through this stuff....it can become something I kinda just...dwell in, and never move past.....because the validation I’m getting from writing this specific content and how that VALIDATION makes me feel, specifically.....gives me reason enough not to...ever actually move past this stuff no matter how else it might be effecting my life or my mindsets about things.

And I’m not saying that’s what’s going on with you or going to happen with you or anything of the sort, because I flat out DO NOT KNOW your situation or your therapist or what they recommended or why.

I’m just saying....the problem with using ‘coping mechanisms’ as a catch-all defense without ever delving into the specifics of WHY this specific coping mechanism and what specifically its meant to accomplish....is there is nothing inherent in a coping mechanism that’s like.....good.

Because coping is the bare minimum, frankly.

It should never be upheld as the IDEAL.

So for instance, as a survivor of physical abuse and in terms of how that often made me feel weak or powerless....I could, feasibly, say getting into physical fights is a coping mechanism for me, as long as I win them, because they make me feel strong or powerful. I could genuinely say, despite how it sounds, punching someone on some level DOES make me feel better.

But could I actually argue this is any way ideal, healthy or sustainable in the longterm? Let alone ignore the effect is has on the people I fight, for what are essentially entirely self-serving reasons?

I’m just saying....coping isn’t always the be all and end all....and it can get away from us very quickly if we lose sight of WHY we’re doing it and to what end.

And to answer the rest of your questions.....all of this is what I want. All of the above conversation is the POINT of my frequent rants.

Because these kinds of conversations are ESSENTIAL to what fandom CLAIMS are the point of these kinds of fics and content and readerships.

These are not things that can just be assumed, or things that are one size fits all and the same for every writer and reader regardless of personal situation.

But can you honestly say that fandoms, as they exist now, are remotely open or conducive to HAVING these kinds of conversations regularly? To making the asking of THESE specific kinds of questions something people regularly do, or check in with, or consider before or during the creation or consuming of dark content.....as opposed to just taking for granted that its fine and its GOOD because fandom has been doing it this way all along and everyone who’s been a guiding influence to you in fandom has previously assured you this is fine and works and doesn’t need fixing or adjusting?

Because I don’t think they are, and THAT’S my issue, and THAT’S what I want, in answer to your other question.

Do I really want people to just stop writing dark shit altogether? At least the fetishistic kind, the kind that exploits real peoples’ real traumas for entertainment rather than be respectful of the inherent power and weight it comes with just by virtue of being what it is?

I mean, on the one hand, yes, sure. I’m not going to lie. That would be ideal.

But part of why I object so strongly to accusations of purity policing and censorship is because I DON’T view the world in terms of black and white, binary thinking.

And so on the other hand, no, this isn’t what I want, because it isn’t something I spend any time actually WANTING....because that would be a waste of time and effort, because I UNDERSTAND that that’s just not a realistic want. I’m not likely to ever see like, just a full scale abandonment of the consumer culture fad of rape culture.....and I don’t want to actually censor it because I fully believe censorship is just a band-aid slapped on a gaping chest wound....banning content does nothing to address the WANT of a type of content, and as long as that want persists, people will find a way to feed it.

So realistically, ACTIONABLY.....all I really want is this. More of these kinds of conversations, engagements. Open, frank, directness about what’s ACTUALLY going on with a lot of this content and being communicated with it, the risks inherent in it....acknowledgment of the negative impact that goes hand in hand with the positive impact you get from readers saying they like this, they enjoyed it.

And yeah, I fully admit and hope that along the way, it DOES lead to more people just stopping writing this type of content altogether.....BUT the WHY of that is important.

Because I believe this would only happen or come about because in the act of actually ASKING these questions of themselves and their work, ACTUALLY acknowledging the full scale of impact, the bad as well as the good, actually LISTENING to people who complain or criticize it instead of just dismissing them as entitled or whiny or puritans....I do think that this would inevitably lead to some people abandoning this type of content altogether.....because its just flat out not really enjoyable to them when they consider it in the context of its negative impact AS WELL as the positive.

But the thing is......THAT, yeah, I’m okay with. Because I don’t believe anyone is entitled to LIE to themselves or hide from the negative impact of their own actions or actions of those around them, just in order to preserve the entertainment value of ONE aspect of ONE personal hobby.

That, I have no shame about potentially having an influence on people in regards to, because there is literally NOTHING WRONG with asking people to be more aware of themselves and their place and impact among others, and to interact honestly and directly with their own actions, likes, and interests.

Like, there’s just not.

And I fully believe everyone really already knows that, and that’s WHY this conversation so frequently gets twisted and derailed into being about things its just not about...censorship, purity policing, fiction not being the same as reality....

None of those are the point. THIS is the point. Has always been MY point, at the very least.

Bottom line, fandom as is, expects people whose lives are directly reflective of specific types of content to make THEMSELVES smaller in fandom spaces, in order to make room and make way for the content a lot of people like.

And I fully and unapologetically believe that’s backwards.

Fic should not take priority over people. Fictional interests should not be more important to a fandom COMMUNITY than lived experiences.

Nobody has any right to ask or expect other fans to make room, object less, isolate more.....just so that other people can enjoy certain fictional content without having to do any serious examination of it and how that makes them feel.

[footnoteinhistory]

I’ve been able to compartmentalize and naturally start to move past it over the last few weeks, and honestly I’ve been so busy with school it’s kept me distracted (though not having time to process it has probably contributed to this), but what happened in Pittsburgh is still incredibly raw. I didn’t even realize that tomorrow today (the 27th) is one month since it happened until I started writing this—it sort of feels like a lifetime ago (it’s been a busy month) but then when I think about it, it’s just as painful and terrifying and sharp and aching and bloody as it was that weekend.

I think unfortunately we’re all used to moving on from most of these things now, so idk it just catches me off guard when it still hurts in that “I can’t breathe” sort of way. I’m not surprised that it has affected me so much... but in some ways I am. it’s on my mind a lot, but like I said, not in a way that I can sit down and process it right. more peripherally, just reminders. then I focus on it and it’s like a punch in the stomach.

there are images and phrases and things I’ve read about what happened that have kept me shattered, irrecoverably. one part of the shooting in particular has stuck with me very deeply very frighteningly, I don’t want to share it here because I don’t want anyone who hasn’t heard about that particular incident to hear it and have it scarred into their memory like it is in mine. but it’s there for me, awfully, unforgettably.

it’s only been a month, and I’m not sure if I’m dealing with it well or not. in a less violent world, I think of course it would be normal to still be struggling with it. but we live in a world with many shootings and we don’t dwell on any of them for very long, so being stuck raises a lot of questions in my own mind. it’s pretty fucked up how quickly we move on, right? am I insensitive for not being as hurt over other shootings as I am over this Jewish one? am I unreasonable for being upset with the response (or lack thereof) from my family, my school, my community? have I used what happened in the wrong ways, for the wrong reasons? am I at risk of being shot in my shul? am I overreacting by worrying about that?

I feel a weird guilt. it’s hard to put into words. it’s probably not what you think. I talked to someone about what happened and it brought us closer, for which I am so grateful, because this person means a lot to me. it really deepened our relationship. but I hate that it was over this tragedy, I hate that I’ve taken something positive out of something so awful. but when I think about it, I guess that’s actually a pretty healthy and normal coping mechanism, talking and bonding over hard things? he’s looking out for me now, concerning this particular struggle and a few others that we’ve been able to discuss since that first talk. considering all of the terrible things to come out of the shooting, maybe being a bit kinder—caring about each other—is a welcome legacy, a small bit of light I shouldn’t feel guilty about finding amidst the darkness.

I don’t know. I didn’t think I was going to write this much when I started. this is really the first time I’ve taken stock of what happened since the end of last month. I feel guilt, I feel pain, I feel anger and hate and vengeance in my heart, I feel sad and scared and weak, mostly it feels very raw, still an open wound. I don’t know.

Joyce, Rich, Rose, Jerry, Cecil, David, Bernice, Syl, Daniel, Mel, Irving. May their memories be a blessing.

[aquarianlights]

So, uh. . .does anyone have any idea what happens to our social media accounts and accounts on other sites/apps if net neutrality is abolished and the vast majority of us cannot pay for internet anymore, making it really boring and not worth it for the top 1% to pay for it? I mean, not just Tumblr. Tumblr, FB, Kik, Whatsapp, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Spotify, Pandora, Kindle, Various E-Mails, Netflix, Fetlife, . . .Uh, that’s all I can think of. What happens to our accounts? Do they get closed after a certain time? And, if they do, can we re-open them like FB allows us to do (as of right now; Idk how it’ll change if the bill passes, god forbid)? Or will they reassign our usernames to someone else???

Snagging the usernames edmdma and CollarAKit have pretty much defined me. That’s what I have as my username pretty much everywhere.

And I don’t want to fucking lose my tumblr. . .there’s so much I have to fucking save to a flash drive before I get forcibly removed from the internet due to not wanting to risk financial collapse when I am so close to that already and have been there quite a bit as of these most recent years.But I have so much to save. . .I have had this blog since...around maybe 2011-ish, maybe really late 2010. I have been on this godforsaken site for probably somewhere around 7 fucking years. I’ve been estimating about 5, but no. . .It’s over that. By a long shot.

Yeah, I have a lot of important stuff I wanna save tagged to easily find it (Echo, selfies with friends, pictures of stuff/places I have taken, etc. . .), but things like my reference posts are not. . .not that easy to save. . .I will have to c/p the whole page to Paint and crop it. AND THEN save it. That’s way too much work. . .I don’t want to abandon my blog, not because I can’t live without it, but because of the fact there are too many posts there for me to go through in this short amount of time....... And it will kill me to erase 7 fucking years of nonstop progress. To erase all the evidence that I have come from nothing (a very literal, red-coloured “in-the-negatives” type of nothingness value) and become this fucking wonderful human being and am truly being the best self I can be.

This site fucking taught me how to love myself. How to not be toxic to people anymore. I learned that my mental disorders are REASONS for my actions, NOT excuses. And that it was not okay to do them to anyone under any circumstances and then just shrug and say “I have x mental disorder. Not my fault.” I have learned how to adult properly and how to become autonomous. I have had my life saved over and over by people talking to me when I’m down, shooting me positive messages and positive vibes, telling me something to take my mind off of it, being offered endless lists of resources for everything imaginable, and some people who knew my address at the time calling 911 on me to literally save my life after I had overdosed or had my dad’s gun to my head or slit my wrists a little too deep in the “right” direction or had a noose around my throat or ran my car into a guardrail. . .Things like that. . .

I don’t call 911 when I feel all my limbs go heavy from the overdose and my vision would slowly go blurry and then start closing in around the corners down to tunnel vision, then getting even blurrier in the middle. . and then total darkness. All the while, you listen to your hearing fade until it’s just randomized mumbles that you can’t understand, then to the point of jibberish that sounds like they are in The Sims. . .and then, finally, your hearing just cuts out altogether and you suddenly realize what it is like being deaf and blind. And then you try to speak. . .to beg for help. . .It’s like sleep paralysis: You think you’re speaking/screaming aloud, but you’re barely speaking a whisper, if anything. No one notices. No one can hear you. And that’s when the respiratory depression gets so bad and burns so much that it feels like the there are a million bees injecting molten fire into your chest and straight, sharp points drilling into your heart. It’s unreal and it’s so hard to not reach out for help at the very last second on that part. The respiratory depression. With all the 100+ suicide attempts I have had in my life. . .I can tell you it’s the same with p much every medication. Benzos seem to be the only exception to this rule. It’s scary af, though. Don’t do it!!! But if I hadn’t have caved and written something on tumblr every time I attempted and was at wits end and didn’t know what to do. . .I wouldn’t be alive today. With all those attempts on my record, I would have wound up dead pretty early on. . .as my first attempt was at the age of 13. I think. 12 or 13. I can’t remember that far back. . .yikes.

UH.....ANYWAYS...... I don’t want to lose my friends, my coping mechanisms, my resources, and all my pictures and refs. It may just kill me. I may just have to kill myself. I will no longer be able to implement healthy coping mechs or contact my support system. How do I get from there to..... yeah.

I refuse to give up my url here. I refuse to give up my blog here. So. . .I NEED to know before this has a chance to pass...... Will it affect our usernames/blogs/accounts in any way? I can’t seem to find any info on this particular topic!

Also, I damn well know Verizon and other major mobile companies are going to be the ones in control. I have Verizon. I have a plan with them and I won’t be switching to another company at least for another few months, if not 6 months to a year. Verizon has complete control over me if this passes and my information gathering and studying for no reason.

So I NEED TO ASK THIS, TOO: Will this bill passing affect things that don’t use wifi? Like. . .I’m asking about texting and calling and voicemail in particular. I guess the camera, too. So. . .literally just those four things.

So: 1) What happens to all of our accounts/usernames/things on that account when we are forced off the internet via Big Brother? 2) Will the bill passing affect things that don’t use wifi (texting on the standard app that comes with the phone, selfie and backwards camera, voicemail, and phone calls---that’s it. Four things.)???