#IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN

[doodleholic]

ASK red-d.i.t by Kayka

In which Draco Malfoy is confused about where babies come from. ...Or IS he? 🤔

[cringefailvox]

i've been writing too much earnest and/or dark stuff lately and it's clogging my brain. i need to write some wacky nonsense STAT

[two-person-job]

so far we're at. 2.1k words. I'm stopping for the night :)

[blood-mocha-latte]

i have a wip somewhere that's modern webgott where they've been divorced like two or three times and can i just say that past me was a genius

[elfhunk]

or that time we made megpoid GUMI, GUMI from megpoid, incredibly catholic in a profoundly sacrilegious way while exhibiting a marshmallow peep burning at the stake.

[blackvahana]

Hermes mention comes from somewhere, though. Uh, referring to the sudden need to ramble about what we were talking about back in... 2022, it didn't come from nowhere. There's a small little pocket thought in the brain of ANVD that looks like the Mirror Plane and, ah, yeah, look, something that can bring tears to this uncrying bitch's face. I haven't been there in so long, and yet I have been there constantly. Its the plane between the fastest and slowest moving ones where time itself inverts like a peeled fruit, like a dragonfruit, thick skin that slides off, tiny dots.

This place in ANVD... Time moves weirdly, the Sky doesn't progress linearly here, instead the sun bounces between states disjointedly... and the fields, like a child's drawing of the Mirror Plane, are alight with floating points that sway and travel in reference to one another and to planes and dimensions and equations of fluid dynamics that are...

I haven't been to that plane in a long time. There's a self there that I haven't seen in a while, he's wide-eyed dimmed by self-stability. He knows what he's doing, both the echo and the call of something... Lev talks about the surface beneath God, here is the ground above him. Someone hears... Someone hears: the Messenger. The Messenger is called.

[super-secret-clown-corner]

i found the lifesteal fanfiction (my ace ass still can't comprehend relationships and how they form lmfao i'm living in some wild qpr fantasy of my own creation)

[nyxronomicon]

I would love to see Barbatos with the lemon stealing whore prompt. He's the one who owns the lemon tree and will NOT tolerate and whores stealing his lemons (those are for his tea)

A/N: This is the worst thing I've ever written btw. You've been warned... (but like thank you for sending this in bc this was the prompt I wanted to do the most lol). But like damn the whole time I was like "am I really writing this? To share? Publicly?" ... Anyway. This is really bad. Sorry.

Part of my cheesy porno drabbles event (requests closed)

If you haven't seen the lemon stealing whore porno... I'm sorry.

Lemon tree owner!Barbatos x GN!MC x lemon stealing whore!Beel

🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞

Tw: reading this will probably make your life worse, sexual content but not sexy in the slightest, crack smut, anal (Beel receiving), MC gets penetrated (anal or vaginal unspecified), spit as lube, reads like a shitty porno (pun intended), somewhat ooc bc I prioritized honoring the source material, dom!Barb / sub!Beel

I cannot emphasize this enough: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT

-

"I love our lemon tree." Barbatos sighed contentedly as you leaned against his shoulder. You sat on a bench under the tree, gazing into the gardens in front of you.

"It was so nice of Diavolo to let us plant it here." You smiled in the shade. There was a soft breeze that rustled the leaves. "I guess we couldn't collect insurance on it, though."

"As long as we have these delicious lemons for my tea, I don't mind." Barbatos had an arm wrapped around your shoulder, although it was warm out the two of you didn't get many opportunities to be together like this.

Neither of you noticed the presence behind you, the sounds of nature and your blissful chat drowned out the sound of their movements. Beel had climbed the fence around the castle gardens and was now raiding the lemon tree. He was wearing nothing but a yellow leotard, picking up lemons from the ground behind you before cautiously reaching for some from the tree.

As Beel picked the lemons, he dropped them into his leotard for later. His mouth watered but he resisted the urge to bite into one, knowing he might eat the whole tree if he got started.

"Have you heard about the lemon stealing whores?" You asked Barbatos, looking up at him.

"Yes, Diavolo warned me about them." Barbatos frowned. "I just hope that being on the castle grounds is deterrence enough... I would hate to have to punish one."

"How do you do that?" You tilted your head, hearing the rustling of leaves behind you. Beel had meanwhile continued to shove lemons into his leotard.

"They respond best to anal." Barbatos glanced at the rustle he heard behind him, devastated to see his worst fears come true. A lemon stealing whore, in the flesh.

"Hey! Those are our lemons!" He stood and pointed at Beel.

"A lemon stealing whore!" You stood as well, shocked to see him.

"What lemons?" Beel had a lemon in each hand which he promptly dropped. You could clearly see the lemons in his leotard, bulging unnaturally around his crotch and hips.

"Those are ours!" Barbatos stormed over to him, roughly pushing the lemons out of the leotard's leg holes. Despite Beel's strength, Barbatos' speed allowed him to swiftly pull his wrists together, preventing Beel from getting away. He sighed in frustration.

"Beel? I didn't know you were a lemon stealing whore." Barbatos hissed. "You know what the punishment is, right?" Beel's eyes widened before he looked at the ground, littered with his contraband lemons.

"Answer the question." You chimed in, hands on your hips.

"A-anal..." Beel stammered.

"Good." Barbatos smacked his ass before adjusting the crotch of his leotard out of the way, slowly trailing his fingers around Beel's hole.

"Anything I can help you with?" You asked, ready to jump in.

"Yes." Barbatos spit on his fingers, prepping Beel's ass for his cock. "Just hold him in place while I..." Barbatos slowly pushed a finger into him, making Beel whimper. You quickly grabbed onto his arms and he leaned against you, almost like he was here for the punishment and not the lemons.

Barbatos was a bit rough with Beel, pushing him (and you) to the bench you were previously sitting on. Beel ended up on top of you, with Barbatos right behind him as his ass was finally ready to take him. Barbatos slowly pushed himself into Beel and you watched as his expression twisted into one of pleasure.

You couldn't really focus on restraining Beel with him on top of you. Not only was he big and definitely in the advantageous position here, but he was nestled between your legs and you could feel the bulge his leotard strained to keep contained. Beel seemed to have no interest in getting away, moaning lightly as Barbatos began to fuck him.

Beel's cock rubbed against your clothed sex to Barbatos' rhythm, finally popping out of one of the leg holes of his leotard. You could feel his full length now, heat pulsing within you as you admitted to yourself that you wanted him inside you.

"You wanna cum, you whore?" Barbatos hissed into Beel's ear.

"Wanna feel... MC..." Beel whimpered into your neck. It was clear he was already close.

"You want MC?" Barbatos chuckled before tearing through your clothes. "Go ahead. We're going to fuck your little lemon stealing obsession into oblivion."

"Barbatos!" You gasped, feeling Beel's bare cock against your sex.

"It's the only way we can save him... And protect our lemon tree." Barbatos ran a hand along your cheek and pressed a kiss to your lips over Beel's shoulder before fucking into him harder.

Beel urgently pushed his cock into you, at the mercy of Barbatos' pace. He groaned, fucking into you as Barbatos fucked into him. Beel was huge, filling your hole completely as you felt him ram into you. Your walls were so tight around him he nearly came just from your heat.

"You ready to cum yet, lemon thief?" Barbatos hissed, increasing his pace.

"Y-yes, please!" Beel whined. As Beel started fucking you faster. You could feel your arousal reaching its peak as Beel's cock relentlessly pounded into you. Even though it was Beel fucking you, Barbatos' pace was unmistakeable. You moaned as pleasure flooded your sex.

You felt yourself tighten around him, a few thrusts away from cumming in the castle gardens.

"Not inside." Barbatos commanded, pulling Beel further from you until his cock slid out of you. Moments later, Beel came all over your stomach, writhing with pleasure as Barbatos continued to thrust into him.

Although you were disappointed that your pleasure was interrupted, Barbatos always made sure your needs were met.

"We're far from done here." He growled, smacking Beel again before allowing him to rest in you again, his cock already stiffening again between your thighs. "Not until you're begging to replace our damaged lemons."

[familiaralien]

I got a confession to make about something that's been on my mind for like over a year: My favourite character from Deltarune chapter 2 is actually Queen and not that weird salesman.

[benvenutio]

just written the worst gale cleven electra complex post ever. i can't even look at it i think i hallucinated halfway through

[thatfoolsophie]

hi i know you havent posted about it in a year but i have to tell u i just came across your roommates charmain and peter au and it is really getting into my brain the concept is SO good i cant stop thinking about it

HI I LOVE YOU FOR THIS this ask reminded me that i have like. 10 thousand words of this au in a google doc and it's so fun. when ao3 comes back from the war i think ill just post it

[welcometomybraincomics]

You're at home and you hear a knock at your door.

On your doorstep, you find a package addressed to you.

You bring it inside and open it.

6 men in ski masks crawl out.

You try running to the phone, but 2 of them intercept you.

There are two jump ropes in their hands.

Your eyes widen.

Before you can respond, they start swinging.

You jump, becoming trapped within the strings, compelled to jump along as they start to sing:

"Apple's on a stick just make me sick

Make my tummy go 246

Not because they're dirty

Not because they're clean

Not because I kissed a boy behind a magazine.

Hey boys look over there,here comes your wife in her underware!"

You look behind you to find your wife also trapped in this careful game.

"She can wobble she can wobble she can do the splitsI bet you 5 dollars that you can't do thisClose your eyes and count to 10"

Entranced, you follow their instruction.

" 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10! "

You open your eyes after the last count. Their voices fading from your ears. To your horror, you find yourself in an empty house, like the day you first moved in. Even your clothes are gone!!!

The Double Dutch Bandits strike again.

Only the Playground champion (the ones who can jump in and out of the game at will) can save the day:

Playground champion: *tip cowboy hat to cover face like an old man remembering the war* It's been a long time since I've heard this old song and dance.

[thevalleyisjolly]

All you need to know about how my brain works is that my two favourite shows to binge rewatch are Staged and Total Forgiveness.

[lecoindecachou]

I can't really explain what's so funny to me about Emily in Paris except that Americans come to Paris and complain about Parisians being rude so they make a show about it hoping everyone will agree and sympathize, and then it becomes abundantly clear that American tourists are really just a bunch of entitled assholes who expect the whole world to cater to them and they're so oblivious about it that it has genuinely never occurred to them that maybe the capitalist hellscape they call home isn't what everybody else should aspire to because clearly they know best

[talentforlying]

frozen peas. that's what you feed ducks. frozen peas. they love them, and it's good for them, too.

' s'a book, too, ennit? tolstoy's frozen peas. ' he's only half-joking. can't be fucked to remember the actual thing, wouldn't read it if he could. NO LOSS. smoke coils over his head like an ill-made halo as he flicks ash off his fingers and nods to the gaggle of geese half a pond over, which look at him in a way that proper freezes his soul. bunch of bleedin' menaces. ' peas won't satisfy those fuckin' things, they want FLESH. wing a bag'o peas that direction an' see what happens. tell you what, no god that comes up with geese is a kind god. '

@n1atruc / GOOD OMENS 2 STARTERS ( always accepting )

[agentsnickers]

I maintain that a Force to be reckoned with is the funniest thing I've ever written.