#IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THE NEED TO SHOEHORN H*B INTO EVERYTHING AFTER THE SHOW AND MAKE HIM SPECIAL

[eclipsecrowned]

AND I WILL STAY IN MY LANE AND I WILL NOT BE THE FUN POLICE AND I WILL NOT TELL PEOPLE CANON PROVED A SHIP WAS UNSUSTAINABLE AND I WILL NOT SAY SOMETHING ABOUT PEOPLE SHIPPING AESTHETIC STEREOTYPES INSTEAD OF THE ACTUAL CHARACTERS AND I WILL BE SO NORMAL ABOUT HOW THIS FANDOM CHARACTERIZES SHIPS BETWEEN ITS PROTAGONIST AND CHARACTERS THEY CAN PROJECT ONTO.

[im-basically-logan]

welcome back to the routine of me yelling about the latest sander sides vid! everything will be under the cut but just know there are obviously spoilers.

see you on the other side lmao

they all did that intro all at once???? damn!

MARCO 2.0 FOLKS!!! LOOK AT JOAN’S BEANIE!!!

ALSO KYLE DOING THE THING!!! FOR THE INTRO?? AMAZING!!!

thomas... what are you doing. also Joan’s line of thought is what i thought of first lmao

shoehorn

“... just how weird that was” indeed. look at the nerd risin on in tho!

“feeling it...”

Logan’s groan of frustration to thomas saying “motivated” is a big mood

“now you’re just pandering to my fondness for being told that im right” lmaoooo

logan’s sass is great

i love logan too, thomas

DECEIT HE’S BACK AT IT AGAIN

S L I M E Y B O Y

deceit flipped them off jdkshgjkfdhs

i sure hope he doesnt excrete slime jfc

they actually looked at the painting on the wall omfg. logan being confused by it’s abstract look is hilarious imo

existentialism ACTIVATED

DUSHGJKFDLS THE SIDES ACTUALLY PULL EACH OTHER UP TO SUMMON THEM OH MY GOD

when they were trying to get virgil to come out?? roman was literally pulling him omfggg why

also patton and logan just sorta told him to come out but pulling could still be a thing in that regard but rOMAN TUGGED ON HIM

back on topic--”YOU PULLED MY HAIR”

roman back at it again with the weird phrases!

“I would talk about you in another room” “...fair enough”

YESAAAAAAHH UNDERSTATEMENT MUCH

roman’s facial expressions are amazing

“i think you’re just being a jerk” hgjksd roman’s pouty face lmao

I LOVE TERRENCE’S HANDWRITING??? A LOT???

yay roman complimented logan!!!

“myth of the great manbaby” what the hell roman

when you break the fourth wall column and make everyone uncomfortable

i love the drawing things for roman’s thinking. he is creativity after all

the thing about financial perception is great-- i love listening to logan talk kgdfhgkdfl give us a podcast. (jk jk)

THOMAS TALKING ABOUT THE WITCHER 3 YES

the fact that logan indirectly acknowledges he’s a nerd lmaooo

virgil spawning in and saying “i’m listeninnnnng”

“hi virgil” “sup thomas”

ngl roman, that idea is pretty... bad sorry

“but you just called me a little bratty baby--” “A- DUB DUBGFBBFJK THOMAS”

I LOVE LISTENING TO LOGAN TALK ABOUT EXISTENTIALISM AND QUOTING ALAN MOORE

“holy sh-” THOMAS

is aunt patty a real person??

constantly circling the answer lmao

windshield of diamond...? i mean diamonds can be clear but-

“we’re talking about a car, not a horse” lo... logan it’s a metaphor

“i hope you know that my agreeing to a point i made is not a win for you”

once again i love the little animations

thomas playing an elongated word association game is me tbh

“a.. scripted series” “nods in agreement” KJEHGJDFK THE FOURTH WALL HAS BEEN DESTROYED

WHAT IS ROMAN’S FACE AT 12:00????

nexus... instrument??? oh wait nvm

“quixotic, quarreling. quaaaaaaaaaaaah” and the little shake as he said “im not good at nicknames” lmao

circadian rhythm? who’s she???

ok listen i know logan is right about the sleeping schedule but also??? no?? thanks??

“but twitter!” “tumblr?” “tinder?” “twinster!” JDFKJDS

“my twin kinda looks like you, logan!” REALLY ROMAN?

and then all the remy fans went insane...

“copulating” LOGAN

pancake and pillow fights jffkhgsf

tHOMAS DONT FIGHT PEOPLE WITH PANCAKES-

“BRO-gan” JDSKHASJK didnt thomas say that in a tweet lmao

“okay dad” “y’called?”

“love you patton” “love you thomas”

“BUT A BIG MEAL MAKES ME SLEEPY” oh jeez i’ve never tried doing that and i probably wont-- thanks logan lol

“this snack over here is wondering if you’re finished or not!” roman..?? what??

i love logan’s face when he’s about to start rambling again lmao

i just noticed the amazing sound design for the handwriting effects, kudos to you guys!!

ROMAN NO IT’S NOT-- IT’S NOT ALCOHOL YOU FOOL

“shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots i endorse, are vaccines” agreed but also logan n o

look at his face tho he looks sorta proud of himself

“why are you drinking... out of a blender” "this is the biggest container that i have” th-thomas..??? my god lmao

“but how is it good for you?” “how?” logan is slytherclaw tbh

“CORN! ... to eat”

nice pie chart

roman’s face at 16:06 is a mood

“and health...! facts!”

logan being a literal encyclopedia is amazing... also fairly robotic wouldnt you say (hahaha)

but also roman brushing his teeth immediately after dlsjgdfkl

roman throwing a little temper tantrum lmaooo

“elms need tending..”

i like to think roman just has imagery dancing around for thomas and logan to see in his hand or smth. or he’s awkwardly projecting it idfk

17:43 logan is a mood (i say this a lot bear with me)

once AGAIN! I LOVE THE ART STYLE OF THE ANIMATED PARTS!!!

roman, sorry buddy, but shakespeare plagiarized a lot of things and frankly i believe thats a big no no for you? (remember the originality episode oof)

“FORGET SLEEP” same roman

“then you will care for your friends more than they have ever been cared for in their. entire. LIFE” “yES”

THE CLICHE WESTERN MUSIC JDKF

“i dont know the meaning of the word...” “it means ridiculous” “oh really?” ROMAN??? HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT?

all the other times logan has used preposterous just went over his head????

hasnt roman USED the word preposterous?????

mANTICORE CHIMERA?? OKAY THEN

i go straight to logan’s thinking. roman get the heck out of there? dont fight a chimera with a broken leg plz

“how can you be teaching me so many things but also be so wrong today?” WOW ROMAN LMAO

20:09 Logan...ok listen, somebody just send me a bunch of screenshots of their faces in this video plz

NJKDSFFSJAHKS I LOVE HOW THEY PUT PATTON AS THOMAS’ DAD IN THE FAMILY TREE

“pardon me while i laugh! .... ha” ok the motions before he “laughed” looked oddly like deceit...

ROMAN WIGGLES A LOT

hello yes?? can we get a sander sides soundtrack??? the music while logan explains the worth of living is great

“uber yawn” im sorry roman, w h a t

“rOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-” y’gonna... stop....?

ok there we go

DID LOGAN JUST CALL ROMAN A PREP FJKDSHGJFDHK

aww logan’s little smirk

“that sounds cool..” roman is such a dork jkdshfs

DING DING DING IT’S THE LOGINCE TRAIN. also! i want the music SO BADLY

logans little bounce at 23:43 gives me life

awww they’re getting along

the next video thomas was hinting at... the puppet show

also i would’ve mentioned this earlier but i forgot but I THINK THATS A NEW SHIRT? :O

MOXIETY MOMENT!!!

“every dog has it’s day” Virgil: patton n o

“may the force be with you” lmao

patton sounds oddly... solemn? it just sounds slightly lower than patton’s usual voice??? i dunno im reading into things

take it easy guys, gals, and nonbinary pals!

we’re at the end! im so proud of thomas, talyn, and joan! amazin as usual. Also best wishes to Joan’s recovery. they better rest after this

[deepdarkwaters]

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Got back from the Kingsman double bill a bit ago and am trying to put my brain into words even though I'm very tired and a bit numb and I smuggled five hours' worth of gin into the cinema in an Evian bottle so I'm as drunk as Harry at breakfast time.

OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW

Watching them back to back like this was interesting because it highlighted so clearly how much better the first one is than this fumbly ridiculous sequel. Not saying it's not good or not worth watching or whatever because it absolutely is worth watching for several reasons I will babble after another teacup of gin, but holy god is this really the best they could come up with? REALLY? A 100% true fact that I believe with my entire heart: YOU reading this, you are a better writer than people being paid obscene money to write films. I could easily name thirty fic writers off the top of my head right now who have an infinitely better grasp on pacing and plot and characterisation and dialogue than the people responsible for this stuff. I've not read any press or fan reviews but I imagine there's going to be a hell of a lot of backlash over so much in this from every angle because it's just so incredibly lazy and sometimes ugly and absolutely cannot stand up to its own hype.

Really good things:

* SPECTACULAR, EH!

* Eggsy/Harry and Eggsy/Merlin shippers, goddamn we have a lot of new stuff to work with. Chemistry through the roof, especially Eggsy/Harry (including possibly the best clingy desperate hug I have ever seen on film in my entire life WE HAVE WAITED SO LONG AND IT'S HERE AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL). That was the heart and backbone of the first film, I'm so relieved that it's not only survived but evolved into something fiercer and often messier. So so good to watch. Pretty sure I've got Harry/Merlin written down the inside of my heart like the words in a stick of rock, and though it's not romantic you get much more of a sense of their friendship here and it's all just a bit shattering and gorgeous.

* Pretty much everything to do with Harry's memory loss and Eggsy and Merlin trying to shock him into remembering was great, Y E S  P L E A S E. And Harry's matter of fact comments about his loneliness, fuckkk. Angst writers, go forth with all this new information and break my heart some more! Fluff writers, fix him!

* Lots of beautiful intricate fight choreography which is literally all I need in my action films, so even if I did think the rest was complete balls (which I don't entirely) then I'd still be happy. Nothing comes near the vivid glorious gutpunch of the church scene as a standalone set piece, BUT there's so much Harry & Eggsy teamwork and please just inject this directly into my veins, it's amazing. Prepare for several years of me writing many more elaborate fight scenes than I already do.

* Part B to the above: Whiskey is a lot of fun and his fighting style is full on hardcore pornography to me.

* Merlin in a flawless Kingsman suit, RIP me.

* One of my Bespoke WIPs is about Merlin and Eggsy getting into the habit of going to the pub together sometimes and rolling home completely drunk with a kebab in each hand then trying to get in the house really quietly because Harry's asleep but they end up waking him because they think it'll be really nice to cook him breakfast in bed and Harry comes stomping downstairs in his dressing gown like "it's four o'fucking clock, put those frying pans away and drink some water!" while Merlin and Eggsy side eye each other and try not to giggle. So maudlin singing drunk Merlin was very nice to see :P

* Eggsy and Roxy bromance. There’s such lovely chemistry between them as well, it feels so natural and real, and it’s so good (and miserably rare) to see platonic friendships that aren’t shoehorned into some shitty boring love triangle.

* Eggsy and Tilde were seriously adorable. It ended up not at all satisfying as a romance plot arc because it was like CUTE - fight - marriage, it needed so much more screen time. Like all the important stuff was there, but it was just so abrupt. Include a satisfying romance or don't include one at all, fuck your lazy bullet points. But it started so well and I hope there's a ton of fic that treats them better than the script did. I appreciate the anti-Bond-ness of it all, that Eggsy's genuinely in love and wants to settle and is figuring out how that and his job can possibly fit together, especially with the complications of marrying into royalty. Interested to see where they take that if there's another film. Until then, soo much scope for fic.

* I'm shipping Harry/Elton like burning.

* Poppy was terrifying in a vaguely Umbridge-ish way. That sort of characterisation is always freaky, Julianne was great. So glossy and cheerful but absolutely dead in the eyes. And I'm ambivalent on Charlie, but I ABSOLUTELY want lots of brutal older woman villain/pathetic younger male minion smut. Please provide asap.

* T H E   M Y T H I C A L  B R E A K F A S T   S C E N E   I S   R E A L

Really bad things: well where the merry fuck do I start haha.

* I will never ever understand why they thought it was a good idea to wipe out all the locations and almost all the existing characters at the very beginning. It's lazy shitty writing. If you feel like you need to shake up your fictional world you don't just knock it all down and start over. It's cheap and very shallow angst.

* I only have two middle fingers but I need about seventeen million to even begin to profess my disgust at them killing Roxy. I knew it was going to happen, it was the only spoiler I asked someone for ahead of time and it was not at all a surprise to find out for sure. Still utterly infuriating. The way people responded so positively to her in the first one is a real indication of how ridiculously low the bar is for female characters in action films ("good at something" and "not the hero's love interest" are literally the only two requirements), and JG/MV didn't even think enough of her to follow through on the absolute base level achievement they made before. Fuck everyarse involved in this decision.

* Absolutely revolting honeypot mission scene. Not really the fact that it exists, just the entire way it was handled and shot - so predictably male-gazey and laddishly "waheyyy!" that it kind of turned my stomach. Horrible and completely unnecessary.

* A million new characters and not enough time spent on any of them to care. Tequila was barely more than a cameo. Champ and Ginger hardly had anything to do. All the Statesmen (except Whiskey) were completely two dimensional and it's such a jarring contrast to the obvious care taken over Eggsy, Merlin, and Harry. It's not even because we already know them, I don't think? It's weird to try and explain. The Statesman characters just feel so rushed and shallow, there's no substance to any of them. Kill off Roxy and replace her with paper cut-outs, ok that makes loads of sense!!! Whiskey’s a level up from the others because he gets loads more screen time and some beautiful fight scenes, but his ~emotional plot twist fell completely flat. I don’t know what it was, the pacing or a boring cliche backstory or what. It was just dull as fuck. WE HAVE HEARD THIS EXACT STORY FIVE MILLION TIMES.

A bad thing that's somehow not really a bad thing even though I'm fucking numb and want a hug:

* I've been raving for ages to people about Roxy being killed off and trying to figure out a way to satisfactorily explain how I feel about a character dying for a reason and a character dying because a writer is a lazy bastard who wants some quick angst. Merlin's death was an A+ wonderful death along the lines of my dear fictional boyfrends Quincey Morris and Lee Scoresby and a million others. Maybe it comes from all the swashbuckly historical adventure stories I grew up loving, but I'm a desperate sucker for a good noble death. Characters brave and self-aware enough to look at the bigger picture of an impossible situation and realise that their death means a better outcome for the people they love? This is ABSOLUTE CATNIP to me. Characters who go down fighting to the very end. If a character I love with my entire soul has to die, this is how I want it to happen. Give them some agency and a proper goodbye.

I mean I fully expect him to be magically resurrected with fancy prosthetic legs if there's another film because we saw those wedding set photos of him in the nice neon green cgi stockings, so really I should be saying "death". I totally reject this one. (I reject Roxy and JB's deaths as well, but the big difference is I really can't see the filmmakers bringing them back. Eyeroll.) Maybe that's what's making it easier to deal with? A not-real noble courageous self-sacrificing death. That's about as good as it gets. All three of them get Oscars for this whole sequence.

Anyway the tl;dr of it is:

This film is a very beautiful, very patchy mess. The good stuff is absolutely gloriously perfectly incredibly wonderful. Most of said good stuff is the interaction between Eggsy, Merlin, and Harry, which is written and performed with real care and heart. Nearly everything else is relatively lacklustre filler, misogyny, and shitty nonsensical decisions. These people cannot write women.

I liked it? I will definitely see it 900 more times, mainly for wet terrified Harry and gorgeous fight scenes. But ffs, how can it possibly be this difficult to pinpoint the reasons why people loved your extremely successful creation and consider including them in future plans?

I'm feeling fairly zen about everything. I kind of trained myself ages ago to think of sequels as just another bit of fanfic, so it's going to make absolutely no difference to the cheerful fluff porn and fight scenes I like to write. What I'm annoyed about isn't so much to do with ~new canon~ limiting what we're allowed to create for ourselves now, because that's just silly. It's more about being pissed off at the shoddy state of action films, particularly women in action films, when it seems like it should be SO EASY to take these astronomical budgets and create something groundbreaking. I'm so tired of this unimaginative lazy narrow-minded bullshit.