#IM SO SAD THOUGH THEY HAVENT UPDATED ANY OF THEIR WORKS IN NEARLY A YEAR…��.

[shhroomer]

You guys ever read the most beautiful, jaw dropping, feet kicking, leaves you with a feeling of yearning fic that it possesses you? yea that was me anyways here’s vampire Kyle and his annoying assigned bodyguard who’s also a witch

(ALSO IF YOU WANT TO READ SAID FANFIC ITS A KYLE X READER FIC CALLED ITS FALLING FOR THE IDEA BY FEDOSAURUSREX ON AO3 THAT INSPIRED ME TO WHIP THIS WHOLE AU UP)

[whats-gotten-into-us]

you know what fuck it. im gonna use this as a weird diary of sorts. it's not gonna be updated every day but ill at least try and post some of my thoughts whenever i can. the loosest term of a vent blog i guess.

today was a bit uh. terrible. people wouldnt stop coming in and i could not catch a break, attending customer after customer with nearly no signs of stopping. at least there was enough time for me to go to the bathroom but even then it wasnt much. we also had the new guy take the front today as a sort of training and god. this is such a terrible start for him, considering that he was incredibly slow and needed guidance half the time AND just having a huge line of people? i feel so sorry for the poor guy. i snapped at him a couple of times throughout the day too and i feel bad abt it now.

i DO not feel bad for my manager though. she brought this upon herself for not hiring more people, since one of our guys quit for a better job, and two others went on a vacation for two weeks. a vacation that they have told the manager MONTHS BEFORE and reminded her of it every other week to drill in her head that they will be going away very soon. she didnt listen though. now were left with 5 people taking care of the store, not including the new guy and the manager since they both do barely anything. ugh.

my sister came to work just before i was done with my shift and told me to chill out, to not let my stress and anger reflect on my voice since my manager was already pissed at me for talking with bad manners at her. on one hand yeah sure i can see that, on the other. that's called internalising. and boy have i internalised things for so long. she also told me to go eat a pretzel at the mall and calm down. i wish i did eat that pretzel. im so hungry. i only ate a breakfast sandwich from starbucks (that i almost immediately shat out) and some nachos w avocado salsa. thats healthy right.

anyway. when i got out of work i wanted to cry so fucking badly. to the point where i was like. dissociating i think? i didnt really have any thoughts in my head and could barely tear my eyes away from the street while waiting for the bus. at one point i really 3anted to block all of my friends from discord and leave every single server and group and just. disappear from the earth. just for a little bit. i did leave one groupchat that my s/o and their friends were in but i quickly came back after an hour or two.

I was briefly brought down to earth by a nice old man in a wheelchair, also waiting for the bus. he came up to me and asked if i was okay bc i looked sad, and i just laughed it off and said that i was fine, that my face usually just looks sad, which is kind of true. he asked if i needed help, and i assured him that i didnt, that i was fine, but i know some place in me was saying that i really would have loved the help. he then continued to have a bit of small talk with me, asking how old i was, pointing at the graffiti on the floor and asking if i did that, to which i respond no, i would never do something like that, that vandalising wasnt my thing (though i have thought about it sometimes). he told me that he was 69 years old (nice), and compared both our ages, a 50 year gap between us. i joked that he looked pretty young for his age. he then told me "a 50 year gap between us. our lives are vastly different from each other because of our age. how much different is your life? how do you perceive life at the age you are now?" I'm paraphrasing of course. i didnt really have an answer for that, so instead i tried to pull something out of my ass, saying that i havent really thought about my life that much, that i only live in the moment and dont dwell in the past or the future, which is a blatant lie. i wanted to keep talking to him more, but my bus was right around the corner and i had to say goodbye to him. he was really nice. he made me think about my own life and how im managing through it. i think i miss him.

anyways i got home, took like a 30 minute nap and now im feeling a bit better.

im gonna go eat something now

[fluffi]

i think it was because god's menu was released around the same bp and svt made their comebacks. same thoughts tho on gm > bd and i was also glad that bd got the wins gm didn't. and same with the streaming mvs while studying : ] ahh, the easily distracted people we are. (reading cut and litol font bc poor ppl who see this on the dash TT)

i've heard chinese ballads (usually osts of films and from a chinese friend) and their songs really tend to tug on my heartstrings. i hope sm gives shotaro more stuff to do soon :[ with some of the units being active and sungchan being an mc on a weekly show, it makes me wonder what he's doing. do you think nct will form a new subunit?

no, i'm not lactose intolerant so it really took me by surprise. it was a one-time thing. hopefully it doesn't happen again. i can't really say i'm a big fan of ice cream but it's good occasionally yk as a treat to yourself. and ahhh, i miss drinking smoothies. my favorite stall has been closed for nearly two years now, idk if they ever re-opened since our city mall burned down :[

i think it's an nct thing? it's why i never get tired of them bc they're always active in a way. you should've seen how things went down last year! march 127 album, april dream mini-album, may 127 repackage, june wayv album and the whole nct 2020 thing. it was a wild year. about the track, i listened to it once and forgot about it. might give it a few more listens but it might not grow on me at all. yes! wasn't a big fan of hot sauce at first too bc i thought the intro was weird (not jaemin's part, like the first thing that plays). and yes, that hook loops in my head 24/7. i even made it my instagram bio.

stray kids world domination indeed! and i agree that their performances were really impressive (specially the deadpool one, best one yet) but sometimes i would fancy ateez' more. i didn't watch kingdom too bc it stressed me out as a multi. always caught between being happy for one group and being sad for the others. and atz and tbz! you're still getting into nct and you're thinking of adding 19 more boys! judging from what i know your taste in music is, i think you'll like tbz's music better since there are a lot more soft songs there than in atz. but do give both discographies a listen in the future!

oh izone! i've only heard of them at music shows and dance choreo compilations bc of them being in sync. they're really satisfying to watch! i thought their title tracks were catchy as well! quite unfortunate that i never got into them really. but again, i dont think i can handle stanning temporary groups.

i'm starting to see a pattern in your biases :D i wouldn't be too surprised if you'll be drawn to jeno at some point in your dream venture. dream is soooo easy to love so if you really end up ulting them, i would understand why. and also, YES PLEASE WRITE FOR DREAM AND TAG ME IF YOU WILL. THANK YOU ><

thank you! :c don't get your hopes up tho, the masterlist must've been interesting to browse but are the fics truly worth it? XD i think not. since you already know koe, i'm reccing users @/rouiyan, @/nsheetee and @/loonacitys. i don't have that much fluff in my ficrecs blog. i think, i've heard of lvdsc before (maybe even read a fic or two) but i can't find their blog now. be careful in privating your works, you might end up losing them forever if you don't keep track of their links...(?) that's what happened to the works that i privated :/ take me with you if you move blogs ;n;

seungmin frequently left updates abt what he was doing, left good nights and good mornings, the occasional i miss you. he called fans 'baby' once. not sure if it was a mistranslation, or really just a one-time endearment. other than that, nothing beyond the usual. seung vlives always make me cry ;n; he always look so adorable and precious. also the gif, the fic was more on fake head-butting really but yes you could say it was also a fake nose boop bc it sounds cuter. i'll make sure to tag you on future seung content on the dash. (time to officially claim him as your ult, yes. dont make him secret anymore :3)

sorry it took me a while. tumblr went batshit. the ' werkl;' stopped working midway and i got busy with school yesterday. also haechan birth today and i'm so emo abt it. it's literally just a boy turning 21.

little font and cut saga lets go!!

(just kidding, i cant do little font typing for long periods of time, makes my eyes go beserk haha.)

true true, im afraid for txt on music shows now because theyre going against some big names (literally bts like whatj jsdf what was hybe thinking). yeah, streaming mvs while studying aka watching mvs on loop lmao. i still want to stream skzs final kingdom performance on instinct but i remember that theyve already won!! hehe

ah chinese ballads always make me emo, i like to scream out lyrics to the songs at the top of my lungs and sit there on the verge of tears. its a cultural thing maybe *sobs*. ooh, what show is sungchan mc-ing in? ill check it out. i thought sm would make nct japan for sungtaro (i heard sungchan speaks japanese) so it was a shocker when they made...nct hollywood lmao. given the current circumstances we're probably not going to get a new subunit anytime soon :( hopefully taro will have stuff to showcase during that period of time.

burned down?? oh my, what happened to your mall? that sounds terrifying. i remember when the front of my school caught on fire and we were all ushered out but we thought it was a drill and didnt find out till years later lmao.

oh true, since theyre such a big pack too. constant comebacks and promotions haha, nctzens never catch a break with 23 members. i listened to the new track again (ive forgotten the name already) but i cant- i cant do it. its just not my style hhh. i rewatched the mv for the godly visuals though. i dont know if youre talking about that 'bibididibibidiododo' part by that female morphed voice at the beginning of the song, because i wasnt a fan of that too. it grew on me though.

same, actually! im not an atiny and dont stan any other group in the show besides skz but i watched each groups performance and ranked them haha. at times ateez would rank over skz, it was wild. also yeah, my other multi friend was freaking out about kingdom and ended up abandoning the show because she was so scared of the fanwars and having to deal with her 'conflicting feelings'. about the stanning thing, in my defense, i have a list of groups i want to stan and ive recently added tbz and atz. the list is long, i have a long way to go! also yeah, i dont prefer ateez's songs and i have a bunch of tbz title tracks in my playlist but if i approach their discography like i did with nct then i think i would like at least five songs.

izone are my queens. theres a reason why theyre the only girl group who made it to my ult list haha! super talented and filled with variety and visuals, a perfectly concocted group (literally, sobs in pd48 scandal). ah, temporary groups. yeah i cried about their disbandment for like 3 days straight, it was bad.

a pATTERN?? INTERESTING. DO ELABORATE. jeno, oh my gosh hes like bang chan. an intimidating-looking bear whos actually filled with love and softness on the inside. im currently having a jaemin run though, his make a wish fancam is doing some wacky things. also yeah, dream is really easy to love. i fell for them so hard, theyre all talented and cute and adorable and the team ambiance is so nice. really rising up my stan list now. i mightt write for dream! ill have to see, hehe.

personally i think the fics are going to be worth it. i can feel it in my boOOnes. ooh, recommendations! fun :D ill check them (and yours) out after i finish this 30k jisung fic. ive been trying to finish it since yesterday but i keep getting sidetracked. also, i made a mistake. its luvdsc with a 'u', maybe thats why you couldnt find it? ahh. thank you for the privating tip though! will keep in mind. and of course ill take you with me if/when i move blogs. we're friends now! <3

SEUNGMIN CALLED STAYS 'BABY'???!!@)(@#*()! I SHOULDVE BEEN THERE ASKDFJDF. im exciting for the fake nose boop drabble!! i love soft couple moments hehe. also yeah maybe its time to make him my ult...hes going to have to compete against jake my beloved ope.

dont worry about being 'late' or anything! we all have our own stuff to do. also yeah tumblr is weird asf sometimes. if you havent realized i typically answer longer asks around the same time everyday, when i get to sit in front of my computer and pull out my clickity-clackity keyboard. super relaxing.

AND YES HYUCKIE DAY!!! HES SO ADORABLE HONESTLY. im in love with all seven members of dream, my fic rec blog is currently filled with fics for them haha.

[vile-allure]

feels of retracing memories

Hello so this is just an update on what is going on. I went to spain with my dad, which was really fun. we spent time in barcelona and navarcles as well as some little town along the way. it was really pleasant spending time with him even though we dont have much in common. classes were going well. i then had a visit from Tatum which was cool. we explored and scooted around and just had a good time. After that i went to prague with my friend Lauren. we drank a lot, went on a beer bike tour thing with some british friends and it was quite cool. then tyler came to visit. its always  nice to see him but i was a big antsy and rude to him which i should not have been. we went to amsterdam and saw the red light district. it was dope until tyler was snap chatting the girls and one of them came out and threw a smoothie bottle at us and it nearly exploded after his my leg. we then got into a really big fight after a night of drinking and white. he was being mean and unrelentless. it gave me anxiety and fearful of a future with him. we enjoyed the rest of our trip and scooted around a lot of places. i love those lime scooters. they are absolutely fabulous. after he left, i was very sad and broken. it wasn't the same as when my dad or tatum left. it felt like a piece of me was missing. this past weekend i went to milan with my friend Nina. it was a pretty cool experience! we went to a club and made a friend at the hostel who went with us. it was really crowded which was bit unattractive and hectic but cool other than that. nina had he first one night stand after breaking up with her boyfriend of 4 years. so that was cool. i was really stressed the whole time however because it was the weekend before finals and i thought i should've been working on my final projects and studying. I got most of my work done before i left but not any of the studying. when monday rolled around, i was able to finish most of it but hadn't studied a wink for my history class. luckily the strikes and manifestations going on in paris caused classes/partiels to be cancelled. so i did not have to go in to take those finals today instead, lauren and i went out drinking. we made some dope friends from NYU. I am awaiting Mikailas arrival tomorrow, followed by my mom. Im excited to see them. I however feel like i am not getting a real authentic experience having all these visitors. I never have time to spend with the friends i made here, or any time to go out and make french friends or work extra on my french. 

now lets move on to the mental aspect of my struggles. i have not been depressed like at all lately. i get a little sad here and there and miss my dog but i havent been suicidal or had bad thoughts.. other than the two times tyler and i got in a fight. which were not good. i have pin potted my disassociation. it feels almost as if i am reliving memories that have already occurred. i have not much stress of depression because i am not actually in the moment but simply replaying/reliving the moment. i get an odd sense of dejavu all the time. i also just cannot seem to get a clear head. i feel foggy. its been a bit over a year since this started. i dont know if it has to do with when i first really tried and used white and if that messed with my cognitive function or if it has something to do with stopping my medication cold turkey but i am sick of it. it makes me uncomfortable and i dont like. i want to feel every moment and not be numb and distant. it makes things really complicated because i dont have an established feeling of self so i dont know what to do with myself in public situations. 

im afraid to drive when i get home because the feeling makes me feel not completely there so its scary to drive like that. 

i miss my dog so much. i can't wait to get home and hug him and tell him its ok and that i love him and that ill never leave him again, and next time i will take him with me. he's such a good boy and i miss him. 

as for other updates, i feel like my iron intake has been good but i still feel so tired. i really need to stick to eating good and getting all my necessary nutrients. 

thanks for coming to my ted talk