#IM JUST... PRAYING I DONT FIND A FEMALE THOUGH. IDK IF I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP EVER AGAIN IF THAT HAPPENS | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bintturaab · 3 years ago

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Asalamualaikum sis, jumuah mubarak and i hope youve been well lately <3 I was the anon who sent a message some weeks back about a guy at university getting married just a few weeks before i sent a proposal to his mum, and my work etc stuff. So ive started work now and ive felt quite hopeless about moving on from him, because i keep comparing anyone i see to him in small ways. Anyways, so ive seen someone at work who has been working there for a few years it seems. I'd like to know more about him (mainly - is he married? how old is he? (because he seems really mature and the level of work he's doing at usually takes quite a few years to get to for our profession so im concerned that he's "too old" for me or married or something already)). I can't tell if i'm forcing myself to be interested in someone semi-decent to get over the university guy and find someone because i do want to get married but not sure how or if i'm actually interested in this person from work. I dont know much about him but he seems like a really serious, private guy - his private nature is something that has made me curious about him, but again i've only had a few encounters with him recently. I had to ask him something recently and he was very professional (sometimes came off as being cold to me but idk) and to the point and he seems like this with other females too from what i've seen. He didn't seem to make jokes or laugh unnecessarily etc. I know he prays but that's about all i know in terms of religion. Idk but something in me is curious about him. I'm wondering how to find out though if he's married + his age? I'll be leaving this workplace in a few months so i'm wondering if there's any point to this anyway? I also kind of want to be noticed by him but maintaining halal boundaries - this is hard given the nature of my profession, im from the UK too, and we're always told from a young age that we have to lower our gaze but then how do we find someone even? I know we have to lower our gaze but im wondering - how will i get him to notice me? I automatically tend to do so when im around men anyway but idk. Some friends have told me to just say hi to him or something if i walk by him at some point, but i tend not to initiate conversations with men and i dont want to seem too desperate and act someway i wouldnt usually, otherwise he may think im like this with all men. I've not seen him much either - I've recently been seeing him around the department very briefly on some days but that's it. I just feel confused about what to do and if i should even try with this. i'm not sure what to do. i've not even encountered him very much (i've only been at this workplace about 2 months and probably randomly seen him like 7 or 8 times - but very much so recently which is strange, given my recent interest in him too). i want to do things the proper islamic way and show my true self, but i've been told by my parents that it's hard to be like that these days and i should put myself out there more. i'm finding it hard to do so as ive entered the world of work i guess and having to interact with men more than at uni etc. i also want someone who is practicing and the same as me in terms of not being ok with talking unnecessarily to the opposite gender etc. i know ofc that Allah will send me someone at the right time and according to his perfect plan, but i guess i've always hoped that someone would approach me or magically appear lol. But now i feel like i do need to take some initiative, am i wrong? sorry that this message is all over the place.

Wa alaykum salam wa rahmatullah sis. First of all, I am so, so sorry for replying so late. I wasn't too well to be able to reply :(

So, a few things regarding what you said -

1) I know what you mean by the whole comparison thing. Once something settles in our hearts, we tend to want to look for that in everything else, and this is just so toxic for ourselves because no 2 things, or people, will ever be the same, and like my mother always tells me; it's okay to be different, and different doesn't have to be bad. It's easier said than done, but I think we should really strive to internalise this because we're gonna be doing everyone a disservice, including ourselves, if we keep looking for one person in another.

Also, please give yourself time and space to process your feelings and emotions. Don't rush into something else or someone else if you haven't fully healed or moved on from a person. If you feel like your interest in this work guy might potentially be a rebound, take a step back. You don't have to rush. In my personal opinion I feel like we should like someone or be interested in someone for who they are, and not because we feel the need to move on from someone. It might cause problems later. So, do figure that out.

2) If you're genuinely interested in the work guy because of the reflection of his character that you've seen in your limited experience with him, then I don't think it matters whether you're leaving soon or not. If you're serious about wanting to court him for marriage (in a halal way), you should go for it. Doesn't matter if either of you quits because it's the person that interests you right? What does the place or job have to do with it?

But if you feel like you only want to get to know him because you both work at the same place, or because he doesn't pay much attention to you and that piques your curiosity towards him, and nothing more, then I don't think that's the right reason to pursue someone for marriage, especially if the case is the latter. Please take time to figure out whether you're interested in him because you like something about him, or whether you're interested in him because he seems different and doesn't show much interest in you. Like you said, all you know about his deen is that he prays and you know nothing else; his professionalism may or may not be for the sake of Allah. So, ask yourself why you want to get to know him. Since you said you're not even sure if you're fully interested in him, try figuring out first why is it that he's been on your mind?

About wanting to know whether he's married or not and his age, try finding out indirectly instead of directly approaching him? Ask around about him or look him up on social media to know the basics. Someone from work must know? Perhaps a mutual colleage? Indirectly bring it up with a colleague or if you're close/friends with anyone directly tell them you're interested and you'd like to know the basics. And once you've found out, and fugured out whether you genuinely like him, I'd advise ask your wali to approach him and initiate marriage talks and stuff. But yeah first find out whether he's married or not. And do ask around about how he is as a person, etc.

3) About wanting to be noticed by him. Sis, that's just shaytan messing with your mind. Think about why we are commanded to wear the hijab? So as not to be noticed by men. Being noticed by them defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Hijab is more than just a garment we wear; it's a lifestyle. It's how we carry ourselves and interact with people, etc etc. Any righteous Muslim man shouldn't be noticing women, and any righteous Muslim woman shouldn't be doing things to get noticed by men. Both men and women are commanded to lower their gaze. It doesn't just help control our desires, but also to maintain our integrity. To ensure that our future spouse is the one we're satisfied with because we won't be comparing them to all these subconscious mental images we have of others. So much of what we look at settles in our subconscious without us even being aware, leaving us dissatisfied with reality.

Lowering the gaze has nothing to do with finding someone for marriage. Speaking to different men and casually hanging out with them and getting to know them and then deciding if they're suitable to marry - that's the culture and way of the disbelievers, not ours. Treading a fine line between haram and halal will not get us good spouses. Having taqwa and tawakkul and seeking permissible means will, bi idhnillah. When we're ready for marriage, we ask, or our parents ask, people (friends, family etc) to look for suitable partners, or consider someone ourselves from those around us as potentials, and get our families involved, and then meet the guy to talk to him and get to know him within Islamic guidelines, to figure out compatibility and all.

I know you probably already know this, but I still want to emphasise how important it is to not let kufr culture meddle with our heads.

4) With that said, I think you were right in not listening to your friends. That isn't the right way to go about it. May Allah reward you and give you the strength to stick to your values and principles. If you're really interested in getting to know him for marriage, let your wali/family know, and ask them to find out his age and marital status so that y'all can proceed from there; i.e. your wali approaching him with a marriage prospect for you. That is the most ideal thing to do.

And I totally disagree with your parents. Why on earth should a Muslimah put herself "out there" more?? You're absolutely on the right sis, may Allah grant you the strength and patience to hold on to the correct path. If you're gonna be putting yourself out there more, that's the kind of men you're going to attract - the ones who are all too chill with casually interacting with nonmahram women. When you stay true to your islamic principles, you will find a righteous Muslim man who will like you and be interested in you for exactly that - being a Muslimah and not putting yourself out there. Parents aren't always right about everything.

I know what you mean by hoping someone magically appears looooool (I may or may not have been hoping the same 👀 lmao), but you're not in the wrong to take an initiative. Don't fret about it in sha Allah, it's perfectly fine for you to do so, just keep in mind that you aren't transgressing the bounds of Allah.

That's all I have to say. You can dm me if you wanna talk about it more. Once again, really sorry for the ridiculously late reply 😭

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