#I've struggled with the same thing and loathing yourself benefits no one

[canisalbus]

As I sit here tending to a nosebleed I think about how that was the first picture I saw of your characters. His open, almost casual self loathing resonated with me. So much of people with "gross" physical traits seeking love is explored only in metaphor, but here is art that shows it without shame.

Your dogs make me feel like a real human being. Thank you.

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[thekingofthieves]

96A.Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you?

Ah, honestly I don't believe there's a single person out there that views me the same way I do. And that's mostly my fault, frankly. 😅 I've always been quite secretive- now more than ever, since I'm in this human form- and it's not always a purposeful action I choose to make.

My time in the Makai, when I was widely known as the King of Thieves, was probably the closest I got to being percieved by others like I saw myself. I was blatantly egotistical and sadistic, and I made a name for myself through my extraordinary heists and cruelty. But such widespread infamy always leads to plentiful amounts of tall tales. Many stories I've overheard of myself had the truth stretched or had no basis on real events in the slightest. I didn't particularly mind it, though. Attention is attention, which I've always enjoyed, and I got the benefits of more people admiring and fearing me. And though I like the spotlight, I also am fond of secrecy, so keeping people in the dark of what about me is actually true let me have both.

Now... many in the Makai continue to spread these stories and believe they still reflect me (well, if they don't think I'm dead, or know I'm alive but look down on me for fighting alongside humans). When Yomi contacted me again, he had assumed I was still the same Kurama that he worked with a long time ago, but I've changed significantly from my time so far as a human. I may still have a big ego, but I also deal with a lot of regret and guilt over things I've done in the past... Unnecessary cruelty is no longer something I take pride in.

On the flip side, most humans think I'm simply an ordinary man, known for my politeness and intelligence. And to keep my demon identity hidden easier, I don't really make many close relations, so most humans I've met barely know much about me at all. My family, especially my mother, are the only ones who know me as much as possible without being aware of my true self. It's... strange, honestly, having some of the people I'm closest to still only know me through a filter I have in place. I'm much more open with them compared to most other humans- they're even exposed to my more mischievous side- but holding back a lot of myself is such second nature now. Sometimes I can't even tell for sure what is all even a front anymore.

Even with my closest friends, those who do know me as Kurama, I still have a tendency to hide things from them, even unconsciously... Particularly with my feelings, which I'm trying to work on expressing better. Vulnerability isn't something I'm well adjusted to still, at least not with anyone besides Hiei. And when I first met Yusuke and Kuwabara, they were so young- especially in comparison to me- and were being put into such extreme life-threatening situations, that I felt the need to internalize a lot of my own struggles. I didn't want to burden them with more problems, and I wanted to appear well off so they would feel that I'm someone they could always come to about anything. Since I have yet to completely take down those walls, they still aren't aware of the full extent of my issues, particularly with my mental health and sense of identity.

The only person who's seen me express more of those vulnerabilities is Hiei. When we had met, I was desperate for a meaningful connection with someone I could completely be myself around, and Hiei similarly desired such closeness for his whole life (though he was in denial about that for a long time). We could both see our lonliness reflected in the other... It was the only time I've ever been so quick to be open with someone.

But even despite the fact that Hiei's seen all of me- the real me, my deepest feelings and fears- his perception of me still doesn't quite match my own. That's just how it is though, when it comes to loved ones- any of your self loathing doesn't cloud their own views of you. It's easy to be more critical of yourself and your past while accepting any similar flaws and mistakes from your lover. I know I think much higher of Hiei than he does of himself, too. But regardless, it's wonderful to have someone that can truly know and understand me for all that I am. ♡

[sparklessswift]

19 Things I've Learned in 2019

1. “The desire for positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.” — Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck)

I always thought that "How To Be Happy" things on the internet are true and those things can really change your life if you will try to do so. But while reading this book, I've realized that it's not. That the irony behind thinking of ways to be happy and positive just reminds us of what we are not and of what things we failed to have that we've always wanted. The more we try searching for ways on how to be happy, the more we can't attain happiness.

2. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your choices and decisions.

I've learned that you are the only one who's accountable for everything that you choose to do, for every thoughts that you entertain and for every decisions that you make. The quality of your life is shaped on whatever you want it to be. Whenever you feel like you're carrying a huge amount of emotional baggage, it's because you chose to carry it anyway. You chose to entertain the melancholia, you chose to let it enter your life. Do not blame your situation or even other people. Change the way you see things, make good decisions and choices and the quality of your life will be better.

3. Music is a form of enlightenment towards our true emotions.

I found out that longing to hear sad songs that we can relate to whenever we are feeling sad isn't a sign of tolerating sadness, it means we are trying to fill the gap between what we know and what we feel. Finding the perfect song that explains exactly the way we feel helps us figure out the right words to describe our current emotion. It makes us feel that we are not the only one in the world who's suffering. It's relieving to be so connected to a song that you feel as though, it was written for you.

4. Forgiveness is a nice thing to do.

There are times when we feel as though, people and even ourselves are not worthy to be forgiven and that no amount of apology will cease the burning fire. But one thing I do learned this year is that, forgiveness means letting go. Do yourself a favor and let go of the bad memories, what's important is that you took it as a learned lesson. Let go of the grudges that you kept for so long, it will give you a peace of mind. Let go of the idea that forgiving without hearing an apology is not necessary in life, it is. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you've done in life and forgive those people who have hurt you as well. Release the pain by forgiving so you can finally move on.

5. Self loathe is the most toxic form of hate.

I've learned that there is nothing more toxicating in life than hating your own existence and body. It's like badly wanting a poisonous thing even when you know it is bad for you. It's like loving the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "ME!" because it radiates self-love but there's always a cringeworthy feeling whenever you sing the words "I'm the only one of me, baby that's the fun of me" because you can't feel the message it conveys. And it feels like, no amount of motivation from other people can cure the poison in you. I know it's easier said than done but remember that only you can free yourself from self loathing so might as well start appreciating small things about yourself and sooner or later you will realize that it's fun to be the only one of you.

6. Being 18 is challenging. While it may be true that each year has its own challenge, being 18 is quite different. It's the time when your mind starts forming questions about life, existence, and future. It's like a climax to your own story, exciting as it may seem but it contains setbacks, challenges and a hundred thousand pieces of inspirations needed in order to thrive harder. In order to believe that you can pursue your dream of reaching the happily ever after.

7. Appreciate high school moments while they last. Realizing how fast the time has flown after my journey in high school is something I wish I was ready for. Funny how we're so attached to a moment from the past (e.g. graduation) that everytime we remember it, there's this bubble of thoughts appearing in our heads with the line “it felt like yesterday” and it feels so bittersweet. If there's one thing I can teach the other generations, it is to always appreciate each moment while it lasts. After all, moments will become memories that will forever be stuck in our head so might as well enjoy your high school life and make good memories out of it.

8. We are all temporary in everyone else's lives and that's normal. It feels relieving when you realize that each person that we meet has a temporary role in our lives. We are bound to lose connection with someone whom we thought will never leave us, we're bound to cut ties with people who are not good for us, and we're bound to be left behind or leave not because we want to but because we just crossed paths with each other, we aren't really travelling the same path not as what we thought we are. Learn how to appreciate someone's presence and learn how to accept someone's absence.

9. Do not drown yourself in the thought that internet validation is important. It is definitely okay to dump the idea that you're living in the wrong generation if you think likes/reactions, comments and shares are not important. Most people today still haven't come to realize that the internet has not just open-sourced information, it has also open-sourced insecurity, self-doubt, and shame. And we have to open our minds about it. Life is happier the moment you realize that you should not give a damn about what other people think of your posts.

10. Do not jump on hate trends in social media just because it's in. Cancel culture has made a noise in the internet this year and suddenly everyone are bragging their freedom of speech because they are jumping on the bandwagon (or should I say, we're? 😂) But one thing I do learned from all the hate trends is to be discerning. This is the best time you can practice cherry-picking and only utter a word when you think you really need to or when you think it is appropriate to do so. Just as Taylor Swift said, “You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace and control your urges to scream about all the people you hate”.

11. Being attached to someone does not mean you're into that person. Attachment is way too different than love and even infatuation. It needs not to be stereotyped. Sometimes all you have to do is to give yourself the benefit of the doubt about how you feel and you will realize the true value of a person to you.

12. The hardest struggle in life that we can ever experience is something that is related with our family. Indeed home is where the heart is. Family is our major source of inspiration and it can also be our major source of distraction whenever there are unforeseen circumstances going on. And I think dealing with those circumstances is the hardest struggle to face because there will always be a pain in your chest wherever you go that is inevitable. The pain that lies deep within you but bleeds through the surface of your body that you can't hide.

13. College is way too different than high school and you should be ready for it. Of course, culture shock will always be there the moment you enter college. You will start comparing high school and college in every single details, you will randomly reminisce high school memories while walking in the hallway and you will remember how easy passing the exams and getting high grades back then. In my first semester in college, I've learned that you will never survive if you are ill-spirited, proscrastinator, lazy and weak student. I've learned that college is survival and in survival, you should not come with unnecessary gears. I'm sorry Taylor Swift but in college, you should not bring a knife to a gun fight.😃

14. It's okay to have few friends atleast they are real. Making friends is hard and no one can convince me otherwise. People's intentions to you are confusing nowadays and it's hard to trust another set of new people. I've realized that the amount of friends has nothing to do about how you enjoy your life. What's important is that you have friends who are honest as the day is long.

15. Listen more, say less. This year I've learned the value of lending ears to those who are in need of it and even to situations that require much understanding before saying an opinion to avoid any conflict.  Do not be easily carried away by your emotions to the extent that you're no longer thinking if what you are going to say is appropriate to the situation. On the other hand, there are times that people who are venting out their problems do not need any piece of advice, what they need is someone who is understanding enough to spend time listening to their rants.

16. Things that are gonna make your life more interesting are things that you should say yes to. — Taylor Swift

Progress doesn't come in the blink of an eye. You need to challenge yourself to do new things in order to make a progress. It is even more okay to step out of your comfort zone sometimes in order to grow. Life will be more interesting when you accept challenges with conviction.

17. Follow accounts on social media who are good for your mental health. Do yourself a favor and start unfollowing accounts that triggers your anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt. Your feed should only contain things that motivates you and people that inspires you to be like them. It should not be a place to start who-did-it-better or who's-best-at-life competitions.

18. Acceptance takes time. I have learned that it is okay to still question things that happened to you 6 years ago. It's okay to still cry everytime it pops up in your head, it's okay if you are not a hundred percent healed and it's okay to have a mind with not enough understanding about the situations that you've been to even if it happened a long time ago. God put you there for a reason. You have to keep in mind that acceptance has no definitive time frame. Healing doesn't wait for you to be ready for it. It will just happen.

19. Procrastination can ruin your goals in life.

There will be no further explanation, there will just be procrastination. 😎