#I've still been in such a low mood and it hasn't gotten any better in the past week

[vaguely-functional-directions]

.

[incendio22]

FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL

Chapter 22: Red Roses, White Lies

I can feel something changing about Ominis. He is growing more and more distant by each day that passes and is spending a worrisome amount of time on his own. He keeps dismissing my efforts to talk to him and blames it on the fact that he's stressed about assignments, as well as his faked medical condition. He told Nurse Blainey that he had tickling sensations that wouldn't go away, and for each time he seeks out it has gotten worse. Of course, this is a serious matter but I cannot blame myself for finding it absolutely hilarious that he chose that as his medical condition out of all diseases to exist. When I asked him about it he told me that it's a disease that is difficult to cure and that he had his doubts in Nurse Blainey to treat something like that. I assume that the idea is good, but I still find it extremely funny.

It's a sunny Saturday in February. The sun is announcing its appearance by shining through every window in the castle, creating a warm atmosphere. Today Ravenclaw is playing quidditch against Gryffindor and everyone having breakfast seems to be in a better mood than ever. You can feel the tension and the rivalry between the two houses, as they have the same amount of points in the quidditch cup and share 3rd place. Hufflepuff has a solid lead, followed by Slytherin. I sit down with Imelda, who also seems to be in an extraordinarily good mood today.

"Who do you think will win?" She asks with her mouth stuffed. "I hope it's Ravenclaw, because we have a much greater chance of beating them than Gryffindor. So I hope the Ravenclaw's can get their act together and just win."

To be honest, I didn't care much about today's game. All that matters to me is that Slytherin sina the quidditch cup and I'd rather spend my time practising, instead of speculating who we have a better chance to beat. The other houses have many quidditch talents on their teams, but I believe that is also one of their weaknesses. What separates us from the others is that we know that talent means nothing without hard work and practice.

"I don't know," I tell her. "I just hope they all fall off their brooms so we can have a last game against Hufflepuff and crush them like last time."

"Spoken like a true Slytherin," She says and looks proud.

When you spend five months with snow and a concerningly low amount of hours with sunshine, the first day of the year when the sun is warming up your face is undescribable. You can almost feel how spring is starting to Bloom. I try to catch every possible ray of sun as I stand on the Ravenclaw bleacher writing for the quidditch game to start. I got there sooner than most people, but I didn't want to let the sunshine go to waste. I stare directly at the sun, just to close my eyes and take it all in when I am interrupted.

"Just the person I was hoping to find," It's Sebastian walking over to me, holding his hand above his eyes to cover the sun. The sun makes his freckles even clearer and I think he looks like a daydream. "Enjoying ourselves, are we?"

I give him a smile while squeezing my eyes, they are in a bit of pain from my mistake of staring straight into the sun. He walks closer to me, reaches for my hand and gives it a quick squeeze.

"Hi there," I say, still smiling.

I've been thinking about how he told me about Madam Puddifoot's on our first date, but how he never brought me there after. The tea from her shop is marvellous and I would love to visit the café. Imelda told me that it's a common place to bring your date on Valentine's day and since that specific day is just around the corner I figure that I might as well work up the courage to ask Sebastian out, since he hasn't asked me yet.

''Do you have any plans for Valentine's day?'' I ask him curiously, trying to make this as smooth as possible.

''Actually I do,'' Sebastian tells me and looks up in the sky.

''Oh,'' My voice sounds shocked and I have nothing else to say.

He's nodding and kicking the ground like he always does when he's nervous. I am obviously disappointed since I thought we had something going on, but I can't afford to let him see me being sad and jealous. We stand in silence for a moment.

''There's this girl that I want to ask to go on a date with me. But I'm a bit nervous. I really like her,'' He says and looks at me.

At this point I'm not sure if he is taunting me or talking about me.

''You should just ask her,'' I tell him in a short voice.

''I suppose so,'' His voice is soft and the foot is still kicking the ground. ''Will you be my date?''

My heart starts beating faster. I nod and give him a massive smile.

''Then it's all set,'' He says with a grin. ''I'm taking you to Madam Puddifoot's. Wear something nice.''

Without thinking I give him a big hug and his arms fold around me. The bleachers are getting more and more crowded and I notice some people looking at us. Some are looking excited, some are surprised and others roll their eyes. Neither matters.

The quidditch game is intense but Gryffindor manages to win, which is bad news for Imelda. As the days pass and it's suddenly Valentine's day I notice that she is even more tense than usual. She spent the morning getting herself fixed up and in the afternoon she changes into a cute outfit. I barely see her in anything other than the Slytherin robe or her quidditch uniform, so it's odd seeing her in a skirt with a knitted sweater. She looks great.

''Do you have anything special planned for tonight?'' I ask her curiously.

She bats me an angry eye and turns around. I figure she is just stressed and I am also convinced that she does have special plans for tonight, I'm mostly curious about with whom. I put on the sweater Sebastian gave me for Christmas and undo my french braids, making the waves fall over my shoulders.

''I can't believe you have a date and didn't tell me,'' I say to Imelda who is still running around the dormitory.

''You didn't tell me either,'' She spits back. ''Not that I didn't know, of course. But still, we're friends!''

''Exactly,'' I agree with her. ''You already knew, but me on the other hand have absolutely no idea what you're up to tonight.''

''I'm going to Madam Puddifoot's with someone,'' She says and stops for a second to look at me. ''But it's nothing. Just an act of kindness.''

I'm just glad I got something out of her, so I forget to mention the small detail that I'm also going there. And given how nervous she is, I'm convinced it won't be a pleasant surprise.

I see Sebastian standing outside of Madam Puddifoot's with a bouquet of red roses. I smile as I walk up to him with his gift in my hand. It's a small red box tied up with a white ribbon.

''There you are!'' He says and wraps his arms around me. ''Here.''

He hands over the roses and when I see them up close I notice that there are small fireworks bursting from every flower. I smile as I thank him.

''I got you something as well,'' I tell him as I reveal my hand that I was hiding behind my back.

He opens it eagerly and goes silent as he sees the silver watch lying inside. Eventually, he looks up at me and smiles.

''Thank you so much. You really didn't have to,'' He sounds sincere and places a kiss on my forehead. ''I love it.''

He leads me inside and I notice the bell above the door tinkling as we enter. It's crowded with Hogwarts students that all seem to be on a date. The inside is tiny and pink-themed, decorated with bows and lace. We sit down at a table and he orders two sweet coffees that I never heard of before, but he insists that I should trust him. I suddenly remember about Imelda.

''Imelda is going on a date here, too!'' I tell Sebastian in an excited voice and he pretends to drop his jaw.

''I bet she's going with Ominis,'' Sebastian laughs slightly as he says it.

''No,'' I say hesitantly. ''They are just friends. He said so himself.''

Sebastian gives me a funny look.

''I have my reasons to think I'm right,'' He says with a grin. ''But if you're so sure, why don't we make a bet?''

Now that he said that he has his reasons to think they are coming here together, I absolutely don't want to make a bet and risk losing. Before I can answer the doorbell tinkles and I very much to Sebastian's satisfaction, it's Imelda and Ominis walking in together. He looks at me, leans closer and grins.

''You were literally saved by the bell,'' His grin is not getting any smaller. ''I won't forget this. I still won.''

''Oh you did not,'' I give him an angry look but I am quickly interrupted by Imelda who gives me a dirty look. Not more, not less.

''Did you two fight?'' Sebastian asks.

''No,'' I start. ''She just told me that she was coming here and I forgot to mention that I was too. She has been so stressed all day, probably about this.''

''This is hilarious!'' Sebastian says and laughs out. ''Ominis likes her, but refuses to admit it. And she seems to be doing the exact same thing. I wish they would just admit it to each other.''

I had no idea Ominis liked Imelda, in fact I was convinced that they were just friends. However, that was until I see them together. Ominis, who has been feeling off lately, looks happier than ever and Imelda's upset wrinkle between her eyebrows is gone. They look natural and seem to have forgotten everything around them. My heart warms up as I see them, but is quickly interrupted by another couple covering my vision as they make out. I have a sip of coffee. It's extremely sweet and tastes like brown sugar and cinnamon, which is comforting.

''This is a curious place to bring someone you want to keep secret,'' I tell him, remembering how he wanted to keep our relationship low.

''Oh darling, don't be silly,'' He says in a gentle voice. ''I never said I wanted to keep you like a secret. I wanted to keep things private. There's a massive difference.''

''Whatever you say,'' I say as I roll my eyes.

''Let's give them something to talk about,'' He says and leans over the table, pulls me in and kisses me softly. He tastes like sweet coffee.

Something about it feels so magical. Not because people saw us, but because I now know for sure that there is something between us.

This evening I struggle to fall asleep. I roll around, but no matter what I cannot seem to enter the world of dreams. Instead I get up and walk out into the Common Room. I sit in front of the massive glass window facing the Black Lake. Something about it is so calming, especially in the dark. The creatures passing by are impossible to tell what they are and it's so mysterious. My thoughts are interrupted by some male voices.

''I can't believe you actually went on a real date with her,'' The voice is so familiar to me at this point. It's Sebastian talking in a loud voice.

''Keep it down!'' The other voice belongs to Ominis. ''But yes. And I'm glad I got the courage to ask her. Thank you for the help.''

''Anytime,'' Sebastian says.

They don't seem to notice me. It's not surprising since I'm sitting on the floor, probably melting in with the room.

''How did you know Y/n was the one?'' Ominis asks. I feel as if I'm intruding on something that I absolutely should not hear.

''Honestly,'' It's once again Sebastian's voice and for some reason I feel terrified of what might come out of his mouth. ''Ever since I met her, there hasn't been a day I haven't thought of her. I guess that if it's right, you know it.''

I recognize his words. It's exactly what Poppy told me when I asked her if you knew if someone was right for you. I have to hold my hand over my mouth to not let any words slip out.

''You know, I spent lots of time with her the last weeks. She has kept my mind busy from everything going on. I really, really like her,'' Ominis then says. ''And tonight she said that she really, really likes me.''

[anemonay]

2023 wrap up ( thanks @spaceoperetta for the idea, hasn't even considered doing one!)

-very long, been a big year for me-

tw: d/ru/g usage discussed positively

- also worst depression since college, but at least it's not the manic-depressive mixed state I was in for most of those 4 years

- BUT I also found the first ever antidepressant that works for me a couple months ago! I've been on a mood stabilizer that's "worked" for me for years in terms of controlling the hypomania, but I would still sink into low, low depressions. Now I just feel capable of happiness, but I need to rebuild those neural pathways since they haven't been used in so long

- my husband and I's relationship is much, much better. Once we moved things got really not great, and he is a lovely and great person but I think he'd never had to /actually/ deal with anything or question himself before and being in a new place, with someone holding him accountable, who wouldn't just ignore any of the ineffective things he was doing or any of the negative things occurring freaked him out a bunch, especially because he had no distress tolerance skills. I have my own stuff to work on too, but his refusal to accept what he doesn't understand really exacerbated my emotional reactivity and now I have to unlearn all of those habits.

- I found a therapist who works with my brain!

- my best friend moved to my city, and it was only supposed to be for like 10 months but she met her boyfriend and is blossoming and getting opportunities in her field like crazy so she's staying longer which means we can hang out more!

- knees got worse, but I finally went to physical therapy (because I maxed out my insurance OOP with the name other medical things I had to do this year) and it helped a bunch!

- a ton of drama with my husband's family. His youngest sister randomly decided that I am abusive (not even during like any interaction or anything, she just randomly started having an attitude with me 2 weeks before their annual (white, well-off people) family vacation), and then was cold to me during the vacation, and went on a walk with my husband where she essentially tried to convince him that I AM abusive. (Husband also handled it poorly - he's the "everyone is right in some way" type and didn't tell her she was completely out of line, but that has also gotten better thanks to couple's therapy). Then over Thanksgiving she decided to create drama with the older sister over her own poor behavior when older sister was doing absolutely nothing mean or wrong. It's been really stressful, we didn't even do a zoom call for Christmas this year which they normally try to make happen no matter what.

- I lost my job at a startup (blessing in disguise) and got a new job. The company is great, but I hate the work. It's not what I applied to do, it's way more technical and I would like that if ANYONE had the time to train me. But they lost a ton of people going from fully remote to hybrid, so everyone I work with has less experience than I do actually. I'm also struggling to do it because of how lost and flustered I feel.

- I picked up journaling and that's been so great and helpful.

- I went to Portland! I adored it very much. Though towards the end something about it felt vaguely threatening/heavy/scary. But I definitely want to visit again.

- I reconnected with my childhood best friend! We definitely grew in different ways but the foundation is still very much clicking. I'm going to stay with her and her husband in Seattle and visit again in May. She's so, so wonderful and I missed her so so much I'm tearing up writing this. We've continued to message frequently since, and once Baldur's Gate's cross play feature is out (fingers crossed) we're going to play together.

- I learned that stimulants don't work for my brain. ADHD stims caused anhedonia, coffee just triggers migraines, and Modafinil semi kinda maybe works but not well. I've managed to quit coffee for a week or so now. It's definitely an addiction. But chai tea lattes are filling the void. And the void also means that I'm getting back into tea! A childhood Internet friend is the one who got me into tea, and it feels very heartwarming to remember them through it.

- I lost my first cat together with my husband. You will be missed dearly forever, little man.

- I found my favorite d/ru/g! Technically I think it's 2-fdck that's my favorite favorite if my testing was correct, but basically ke/tam/ine and its analogues in general. It's so amazing and it checks all my boxes. I haven't personally experienced any negatives from it, though if you ever try it please read up on appropriate doseage, periods between use, and all that. It's helped me a ton with figuring stuff out, feeling motivated, and rewiring my brain. I'm weird and drugs have never worked the same for me as other people now have I ever had it impact my life negatively so please don't take my experience as advice or normal.

- I tripped for real for the first time in forever over Christmas break! My meds make it really, really difficult. Most people can't trip at all no matter how much they take on these meds. But I just kept raising my dose and bam, finally! I also had my first ever LSD epiphany and I feel like I can really move forward with my life. Tripping has also always helped my brain reset - like turning a computer off and on instead of just locking it or hibernating. I always feel so refreshed.

- I generally just feel more compassion for myself and more capable of being the person I want to be. Sometimes it hurts because it feels like I was on such a good trajectory, and then a ton of negative things happened to me with no support system and everything in my life just stopped. And then I was getting better and then COVID really broke me - at least when the bad stuff was happening I had stimulation, but COVID liked my brain. I think I still have it in me to be happy in the ways I want.

I hope we live in unprecedented times where history is made! Precedented times and the continuation of the normal just means the rich get richer and people die at the hands of oppressors. I hope things change for the better, greatly and permanently.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee - January 2022

Okay, so I type this as I weep uncontrollably in my partner's house. Dunno how much more I can take, I feel like I'm just here to please people and that I'm failing miserably at it.

So, my partner is in hospital right now, which is a very stressful time for me. While I can't say my depression is too bad, it is being affected a little bit by all the stress. My memory is shocking at the moment, so I know the stress is affecting me greatly. My partner is being very demanding at the moment, I get he's ill in hospital, but there's no thought about what this stress is doing to me, particularly when he's kicking off at me coz I've forgotten something. I've got loads to do and very little time to do it, and to be honest, I am finding this very overwhelming.

He keeps going on about my mental health all the time, how I'm starting to slip etc. But he's not thinking about how he treats me affects my mental health either. I am not low in mood at the moment, well, apart from this moment as he's upset me. I am still working, getting up for work, no problems there. I am medicated still, but he's insisting that I up my meds, which I don't think I need to do, he needs to be less demanding. And then, when he realises he's being demanding, he then makes out that he's a burden to me. I've never once thought that or said it to him.

I feel lately that I can never just catch a break from anyone. I've lightened my load with a few people, coz they've got other people there to support them. I feel like I don't have any support, I've always got through stuff on my own anyway, so I'm used to it. If anything, I'd rather not being people into my issues, they're mine and only I can sort them out.

Then, there's always the conversation that comes up about him "dumping" me, coz of our mental health and how he can't cope if my mental health is bad coz his is so bad. I don't think he realises how much this upsets me when he does this. I left last time because there was no give, and I felt like I had no choice. And even when I did leave, I felt like I'd failed him.

I'm always on eggshells lately, and that's not because of my general mood. As I said, I'm not of low mood or where I can't function. So why am I being accused of slipping, just because the stress is affecting my memory a little bit? I keep going through this in my head, trying to see if I'm at fault here, but honestly, I haven't done anything out of the ordinary that could justify this.

Maybe he's gotten bored of me and my personality, but just keeping me there to look after him. It's like he needs me but doesn't want me. And then, accuses me of being like that with him. I can't win, he's always got an answer to everything when I approach these issues, and it's always my fault.

Well, things definitely need to get better, coz I can't take feeling like this anymore. And he's always saying about moving back in with him, but I've got my reservations at the moment. I do not wanna get as low as I did when I left. And all this wedding talk, we're not even engaged at the moment, and he's planning how to finance our wedding. I gave the ring back to him when I left, and it hasn't been on my finger since. And now I'm worried that if he does decide to propose again, it's gonna make me lose my head.

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

05 - I’m drained

Chapters songs:

Pope is a rockstar; SALES

I don't know you; The Marías

Coax & Botany; Gus Dapperton

—

- Y. L. Perspective

       'Shit, I'm late.' I told myself, while a hand searched every corner in my school bag for my phone. Yet, it was nowhere to be found. Without my phone, I couldn't tell Suga that I was a little behind time. I told him I'd meet him in the gym around the end of his practice, but it was now 20 minutes after, and I couldn't be more stressed about my phone missing.

       "Y/n, I'm sure he'll come looking for you right after," Giki says, putting her hands around her love handles, leaning against the wall. "If you two made plans to walk home, then he won't bail. He doesn't seem the type to do that. And besides, he knows where to find you, doesn't he?—"

        I shut down any idea she gave that would help me calm down. "It's not just that! I need my phone, I can't go home without it. Fuck, this always happens!" I pull my hands out of the bag, and run them through my hair, looking around for a solution. "Dude, what the hell do I do?! He hasn't gotten here yet, and I really don't want Suga being angry at me!"

       "Now why would I be angry at you?!"

      Someone calls out from the doorway, catching both Giki and I's attention. There stood Koushi, with a cheeky smile plastered on his face, and one hand held up. "Missing something?" He said, as my phone stood between two of his fingers.

       At the sight, I sigh, in relief, happy at least one of my issues was solved. "Thank you, so much," I say, as he smiles down at me, passing it. Honestly, I couldn't be more thankful for him; if it wasn't awkward, I could've even hugged him.

      Gathering my things, I throw on my bag, and I'm able to become poised, instead of seeming like a mad man. "That's my queue. See you later, Giki. You have a ride home, right?"

      She nods. After our goodbye, I leave the band room, then begin my walk with Suga. My hands ran down my blazer, hoping that it would warm them up a bit. Tonight was chilly, possibly the coldest night of the week. But that was okay, because cold, rainy nights were what I lived for; nothing felt better than sleeping during them. The only thing I was worried about was if I'd get home in time before the storm starts.

      "Why are you so stressed out? You didn't seem this way during lunch. Is something bothering you?" Suga asks in his calming voice, interrupting my thoughts. Though, it wouldn't be bad to let them run freely from my mouth. The only thing I worried about was that I'd break down if I were to talk about everything that was on my mind.

       But it wasn't like I was uncomfortable talking with Suga, so why not. "It's nothing, really. I think I've just recently been on the edge about everything. It's like, if some teeny thing goes wrong, I become a complete mess. But it's probably just because I'm still processing the fact that everything is happening so fast." I explain, rubbing my left temple while closing my eyes.

      "I get it. That's how I feel, too. But I can't imagine how it must be for someone as busy as you. But if you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears."

      I feel his eyes on me, as well as his hand on my shoulder. It laid comfortably, lightly squeezing it. At the action, I immediately open my eyes, nervous as to any movements, and hear almost my heartbeat through my ears. Honestly, I cursed myself for feeling so giddy inside just because he was being friendly, but I also cursed myself for thinking it meant something. That's what having low self-esteem means, thinking he likes me because he's nice. "Yeah, it's okay. Besides, I think all I need right now is to get home and rest. Maybe that would help me a bit— you know?" My voice cracks at the end, and the pressure of tears building up in my nasal passage, which came before a good cry.

        'No, because I KNOW I'm not about to cry in front of Sugawara. That would be the worst situation.' I thought to myself, feeling my eyes burn. No way in hell I would do that purposefully. That would look as if I'm seeking attention like a lost puppy, which is exactly what I didn't want to seem like.

       But sadly, a sniff from my nose reveals me completely, making him turn my shoulders towards him. His eyes looked worried, seeking reassurance I was ready to cry. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

     'There's the magic word.'

     Now, a few tears escaped my eyes, quickly being cleaned away by my sleeve. But after a few seconds, it felt pretty pointless to try and hide them. "I— I'm sorry. I've just been keeping it all in till right now—God, this is really awkward." I say, giggling in nervousness on the last part, before placing both hands over my face and look down. The clouds growled above us, giving me a sense that they were about to pour as well.

     "That's okay. I didn't mean to go over boundaries with your personal life— I'm sorry." He says, now putting both of his hot hands on my shoulders. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and it's okay to let your feelings out. But it's not okay to bottle up your emotions. I would know, wouldn't I?"

      I nod, swabbing more tears before looking towards him. "Yeah, I know. I just don't really talk about it, especially now that my schedule is packed and all." I say, clearing my throat. As much as I hate to say it, Suga was right; nobody knew what keeping your feelings inside felt like the way he did.

      And so, I kept crying, and stood in front of him for a good minute, just letting it out. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but then he put his arm around me, then another, and trapped me in a hug.

      My head laid against his chest, and his hands wrapped around my neck, while he laid his head over mine. Although I felt truly humiliated and like a complete child, I guess a hug from a friend couldn't hurt. Honestly, I'd expected myself to break down sometime soon; Undergoing so many things can be stressful. Moving to a different country soon, graduating in only a year, and trying to drift from close friends was hard. The only thing is that I didn't expect to cry in front of someone I wasn't completely close with.

      "What's going on, Y/n? If you don't mind me asking." To my surprise, his hand gently runs through my hair to comfort me and hums in worry. "I hope you know you can talk to me."

     As much as I appreciated Sugawara trying to make me feel better, I still felt completely inhibited. But as much as a hated this moment, I just needed to let my feelings out. And now, I couldn't control when or where I'd do it, I just needed it to happen. Silently sniffing, a response later to his question. "I'm just realizing so many things are happening, and I'm feeling overwhelmed about it. But I'll get over it, don't worry." My stiff body pulls away slowly, and I hastily pick myself back up from my breakdown.

     "Oh.. well, I understand that. You know I've got a lot on my shoulders, and I've had a lot of time spent in that corner of panic. I guess your third year comes with many burdens, doesn't it? But it'll be okay, Y/n. Your feelings are completely valid, don't feel bad or ashamed about them. And besides that, you should appreciate yourself for getting yourself through them, okay?" His hand strokes my jaw, raising it to meet his bright eyes, while an unavoidable smile of his appears. "You're gonna be okay."

     As predicted, I felt a tad better than I had before. It seemed Suga found the exact words I had needed today, ones that no one ever told me. I wasn't so used to people comforting me this way in person, therefore making me uneasy when having this conversation with him. But I was glad that I did because now the knot between the two of us untied if only a little.

      I nod, looking down towards my shoes again, as his hand leaves my face and travels back into his sweat pants pocket. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, by the way, "I mumble, before sniffing once more, and turning towards the direction we were walking in before I had started crying like an idiot. "I know I'm not supposed to apologize, but still, I'm sorry for making this awkward. Usually, I'm not the one to embarrass myself in front of somebody like this."

      "Oh, don't fret. I've had my share of embarrassment, and probably the one with more shame than ever between the two of us," Sugawara replies, clearing his throat. "And I should be the one to give you an apology, It wasn't my place to be nosy and make you cry."

      "Don't worry about it, I was bound to weep like a baby any time soon." A small chuckle leaves my mouth, lightning the heavy mood I'd created. "So, Suga, what makes you think you're more shameful than me?"

    He too, laughs a bit, before answering my question. "Well, for starters, I've cried in front of Daichi, one of the most indestructible people I know. Not only was that embarrassing, but it was because I was too weak to face my problems. And second off, as you know, I don't handle them properly. Not at all."

     "I don't know. Mind explaining to me?" I ask him, observing his reaction to my question. Thankfully, he wasn't too uncomfortable about it, but he was still hesitant to say much.

    He sighs, running his fingers through his silver hair, and clarifies to me briefly. "N-nothing. I just used to have a bad perspective of everything; not trying, careless about other people, and dull. Really, really dull. I've made a lot of mistakes throughout last year, and ones that you can't fix easily. But I'm not like that anymore, at least I hope I'm not."

A part of me mourns for Suga. I knew exactly what that feeling was like, except it was around my first year of high school. For him, this only happened recently. "Well, I would know that. You don't seem very inconsiderate, more like a gentle guy." I say as we get ready to cross the road to our neighborhood.

"I hope so."

As we walk across the small road, I still feel a small portion of myself regretting ever crying in front of Suga. Yes, it wasn't that big of a deal and I would probably get ever it tomorrow, but that could have changed his perspective of me forever. I wouldn't want to seem like a little cry baby like I was before, if it seemed that way, he might have thought I haven't had any growth.

    The rest of our walk is neutral, and none of our conversations include whatever unpleasant situation happened, thankfully. But throughout it, I couldn't help but think thoroughly through the information Suga had told me. I know he went through some shit bad, but I didn't know he was so down that way. I'd see him in hallways looking gloom and gummy, and rumor had it he was sleeping around to deal with it.

      'Poor Koushi.'

      Finally, the two of us reach my street, and my pace starts to pick up, as I turn behind me to say my thanks to him. "Thanks again, Suga. You know, for keeping me company and all."

     The silver-haired boy smiles, looking up at me with his large hazel eyes. As he nods, his position slowly turns around, and he begins to walk away with his head down once again, making his way home. I for one, jog the rest of the way to my house.

     It wasn't much— just a two-story that looked a tad more modern than the others around us. It had rectangular windows with a black windowpane and a tall dark oak door with small rectangular windows trailing down. Its brick was stained a light, dusty brown, which complemented the rest of the house nicely. The roofs were black as well, giving off an industrial theme. But besides that, the house was built like the rest that sat next to us.

    I walked towards the oversized doors, fitting a key into the lock above the handle. It twists, making a 'click!' sound, and I walk past the entrance, closing the door behind me. It's nothing much— only as modern inside as it is outside. My mother had no struggle with making enough money to keep her house nicely decorated, even if she barely use it.

Honestly, being home made me sad sometimes. At school or friends' houses, I could be alongside someone. Even if we were doing nothing, I would still appreciate their company. But here at home, there was nobody, just like always.

It had only been this way after they'd both found jobs and began working so hard. Up until I was around five, there were distant memories of the three of us— me, my mom, my dad— living in a small apartment downtown, where a one-bedroom in the middle of high crime was all my parents could afford. But once they got their job, it was all nannies and more money. It wasn't later after that they got divorced after discovering that they didn't need each other anymore. Yes, I was proud my parents got back onto their feet after such dark times, but not if it meant that their kids had to raise themselves. Me being an only child, I grew up around teenage girls being paid 50$ an hour yet glued to their phones, while I would play with shit I probably shouldn't have. But it wasn't like it mattered, right? Soon I'd be able to leave Japan and start a new life, instead of being trapped under my parents' absent wing.

"Hey, Astra," I mumble to the small house pet, reaching my hand out to touch her while I slid my shoes off, placing them into the basket that held many others. Then I take off my blazer, hanging it up on the black metal coat rack, and stretch out my hands and arms. The cat under me escapes from my grasp, running into the kitchen for dinner.

Astra was one of the only things that helped me de-attach from reality for a second, and remember that it'll all be okay. That, and guitar. The only thing with playing guitar when you're stressed is that the anger only builds up if you can't get a note right. With Astra, she was a simple white cat who lounged around all day, and may I say a great cuddle buddy. But besides that, she was something I'd had with me for my entire childhood; she's always been my comfort corner.

      The cat circles around my legs as I pour kibble into her small bowl while looking up at me, and down at the bowl. After I stand back up, she begins her meal, and I still stay starving. Lunch at school isn't very enjoyable, and my bento didn't have much today, so I guess I had to make my food tonight.

      And so, disappointed, I open the fridge to scan what I could shove down my throat before bed. 'There's nothing but vegetables and expired yogurt once again. Gee, I've gotta go grocery shopping sometime soon.' My brain thinks when I suddenly find a small blue container sitting against the inside of my fridge, with a yellow note on it.

'Brought you your favorite. See you tomorrow morning. I'll drop you off at school- father.' My heartbeat comes to a halt at the words 'father'. Was he really here? Possibly for long? I hadn't seen him since about eight months ago, because as always, his job is more important than his daughter. Still— I wasn't completely comfortable with knowing he was here in Miyagi Prefecture, probably in a late business meeting. No way in hell he would ever come to see me volunteering. It must have been a job trip and I was on the way there. Besides, I wasn't sure if mother was okay with me seeing him so suddenly. But knowing them, they probably arranged for this to happen.

     Was dad back in town?

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Hey guys. I'm sorry I'm taking so long to update my chapters, I've just been super stressed out and kind of working myself a little too hard on many things. As always I love you all very much, and please don't forget to vote!!

- estrxlar